Merge pull request #560 from 18F/mgwalker/dad-jokes

Bring back dad jokes

src/scripts/dad-joke.js

@@ -1,44 +1,29 @@
 const { directMention } = require("@slack/bolt");
-const axios = require("axios");
+const fs = require("node:fs/promises");
 const {
-  cache,
   helpMessage,
   stats: { incrementStats },
 } = require("../utils");
 const sample = require("../utils/sample");
 
-module.exports = (app) => {
+module.exports = async (app) => {
   helpMessage.registerInteractive(
     "Dad Jokes",
     "dad joke",
     "Fetches a joke from Fatherhood.gov. Charlie will first set up the joke, then it'll provide the punchline!",
     true,
   );
 
+  const jokes = JSON.parse(
+    await fs.readFile("./dad-joke.json", { encoding: "utf-8" }),
+  );
+
   app.message(
     directMention,
     /dad joke/i,
     async ({ message: { thread_ts: thread }, say }) => {
       incrementStats("dad joke");
 
-      const jokes = await cache("dad jokes", 60, async () => {
-        try {
-          const { data } = await axios.get(
-            "https://fatherhood.gov/jsonapi/node/dad_jokes",
-          );
-
-          if (data && data.data) {
-            return data.data.map((joke) => ({
-              setup: joke.attributes.field_joke_opener,
-              punchline: joke.attributes.field_joke_response,
-            }));
-          }
-          return [];
-        } catch (e) {
-          return [];
-        }
-      });
-
       const joke = sample(jokes);
       if (joke) {
         say({

src/scripts/dad-joke.json

@@ -0,0 +1,187 @@
+[
+  {
+    "setup": "Why did the scarecrow win an award?",
+    "punchline": "He was outstanding in his field."
+  },
+  {
+    "setup": "Did you hear about the two satellites that got married?",
+    "punchline": "The wedding wasn't much, but the reception was incredible."
+  },
+  { "setup": "February can't March.", "punchline": "But April May!" },
+  {
+    "setup": "Why don't crabs ever give to charity?",
+    "punchline": "Because they're shellfish."
+  },
+  {
+    "setup": "Why did the carpenter leave the lumber store?",
+    "punchline": "Because he got bored."
+  },
+  {
+    "setup": "Why did the snake go to the doctor?",
+    "punchline": "Because he had a frog in his throat."
+  },
+  {
+    "setup": "Why did the ghost buy a box of bandages?",
+    "punchline": "Because he had so many BOO BOOs."
+  },
+  {
+    "setup": "What's the difference between the moon and a cheeseburger?",
+    "punchline": "The moon is in the sky, a cheeseburger is in THIS guy. (Points to belly)"
+  },
+  {
+    "setup": "If I asked you to choose your favorite feature, would you...",
+    "punchline": "...pick your nose?"
+  },
+  {
+    "setup": "Why did the astronaut move to the suburbs?",
+    "punchline": "He wanted more space."
+  },
+  {
+    "setup": "Why did the pizza cutter get a speeding ticket?",
+    "punchline": "Because he was rounding the corner too fast."
+  },
+  {
+    "setup": "What's big and hairy and wears a bow tie?",
+    "punchline": "Bigfoot at a fancy party."
+  },
+  {
+    "setup": "Did you hear the one about the Ballerina Debate Team?",
+    "punchline": "They always stay on point."
+  },
+  {
+    "setup": "Have you heard about the sale at the Optimist Store?",
+    "punchline": "Everything's 50% on."
+  },
+  {
+    "setup": "Why do optimists have to wear sunglasses?",
+    "punchline": "Because they're always looking on the bright side."
+  },
+  {
+    "setup": "Where do fancy cats go to the bathroom?",
+    "punchline": "The glitter box."
+  },
+  {
+    "setup": "Why did the golf course hire the dermatologist?",
+    "punchline": "It needed to have some moles removed."
+  },
+  {
+    "setup": "Did you hear about the world's greatest watch thief?",
+    "punchline": "He stole all the time."
+  },
+  {
+    "setup": "Why was the basketball court all wet?",
+    "punchline": "People kept dribbling all over it."
+  },
+  {
+    "setup": "How do you make a bandstand?",
+    "punchline": "Take away all of the chairs."
+  },
+  {
+    "setup": "What do you call cheese that's not yours?",
+    "punchline": "Nacho cheese."
+  },
+  { "setup": "What do you call a fake noodle?", "punchline": "An impasta!" },
+  {
+    "setup": "What kind of tree fits in your hand?",
+    "punchline": "A palm tree."
+  },
+  { "setup": "How do trees get on the internet?", "punchline": "They log on." },
+  {
+    "setup": "Did you hear about the new book on anti-gravity?",
+    "punchline": "It's impossible to put down."
+  },
+  {
+    "setup": "Hear about the guy that got fired from the calendar factory?",
+    "punchline": "He took too many days off."
+  },
+  {
+    "setup": "Did you hear about the circus fire?",
+    "punchline": "It was in tents."
+  },
+  {
+    "setup": "Do you know what the loudest pet is?",
+    "punchline": "A trumpet."
+  },
+  {
+    "setup": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school?",
+    "punchline": "Bison"
+  },
+  {
+    "setup": "What did the ocean say to the shore?",
+    "punchline": "Nothing. It just waved."
+  },
+  {
+    "setup": "What did the beaver say to the tree?",
+    "punchline": "It's been nice gnawing you."
+  },
+  {
+    "setup": "Hear about the lazy kangaroo?",
+    "punchline": "He was a real pouch potato."
+  },
+  {
+    "setup": "Did you hear about the restaurant they're building on the moon?",
+    "punchline": "The food is supposed to be great, but there's no atmosphere."
+  },
+  {
+    "setup": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe?",
+    "punchline": "Roberto."
+  },
+  {
+    "setup": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?",
+    "punchline": "Because they're really good at it."
+  },
+  {
+    "setup": "Hear about the guy that wanted to buy a pair of camouflage pants?",
+    "punchline": "He couldn't find them anywhere."
+  },
+  {
+    "setup": "I couldn't figure out the seat belts in my new car...",
+    "punchline": "...but then it clicked."
+  },
+  {
+    "setup": "Have you heard the pizza joke that's going around the internet?",
+    "punchline": "It's a little cheesy."
+  },
+  { "setup": "What's red and smells like paint?", "punchline": "Red paint." },
+  {
+    "setup": "Hear about the guy that stayed up all night wondering where the sun had gone?",
+    "punchline": "It finally dawned on him."
+  },
+  {
+    "setup": "Did you hear that they invented a new type broom?",
+    "punchline": "It's sweeping the nation."
+  },
+  { "setup": "What is brown and sticky?", "punchline": "A stick." },
+  {
+    "setup": "What's more amazing than a talking dog?",
+    "punchline": "A spelling bee."
+  },
+  {
+    "setup": "A man went to the doctor. He had a cucumber in one ear. A hot dog in the other ear. And two carrots stuck up his nose. He asked the doctor what was wrong with him and the doctor said:",
+    "punchline": "\"I don't think you're eating properly.\""
+  },
+  {
+    "setup": "What do you call a pony with a sore throat?",
+    "punchline": "A little horse."
+  },
+  {
+    "setup": "I used to really hate facial hair.",
+    "punchline": "Then one day, it grew on me."
+  },
+  {
+    "setup": "How many apples grow on an apple tree?",
+    "punchline": "All of them."
+  },
+  {
+    "setup": "Do you know the name of the boy wizard that loved to play golf?",
+    "punchline": "Harry Putter."
+  },
+  {
+    "setup": "Why do bees hum?",
+    "punchline": "Because they don't know the words."
+  },
+  {
+    "setup": "What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?",
+    "punchline": "Frost-bitten."
+  }
+]