diff --git a/TCSS 143/Assignments/Assignment 2/LostPuppy.java b/TCSS 143/Assignments/Assignment 2/LostPuppy.java new file mode 100644 index 0000000..109e32f --- /dev/null +++ b/TCSS 143/Assignments/Assignment 2/LostPuppy.java @@ -0,0 +1,215 @@ +/* + * TCSS 143 - Winter 2016 + * Instructor: Raghavi Sakpal + * Assignment #2 - LostPuppy Game + */ + +import java.util.Random; +import java.util.Scanner; + +/** + * Contains methods for use in PuppyPlay driver + * + * @author Skylar Cowan sdcowan@uw.edu + * @version 25 October 2016 + */ + +public class LostPuppy { + private char[][] myHidingPlaces; // Rows = #floors, Columns = #rooms on floor + private int myFloorLocation; + private int myRoomLocation; + private char myWinner; + private boolean myFound; + + /** + * Constructor for lost puppy, creates LostPuppy object and generates + * a random floor/room location for the puppy based on array dimensions. + * All values are initialized within the object for the game. + * + * @param numFloors number of floors (must be above 0) + * @param numRooms number of rooms per floor (must be above 0) + */ + public LostPuppy(int numFloors, int numRooms) { + int row = validateFloors(numFloors); + int col = validateRooms(numRooms); + this.myHidingPlaces = new char[row][col]; + for (int floor = 0; floor < myHidingPlaces.length; floor++) { + for (int room = 0; room < myHidingPlaces[floor].length; room++) { + myHidingPlaces[floor][room] = ' '; + } + } + + Random rn = new Random(); + myFloorLocation = rn.nextInt(row); // Generate random floor location for puppy + myRoomLocation = rn.nextInt(col); // Generate random room location for puppy + myHidingPlaces[myFloorLocation][myRoomLocation] = 'P'; // Set puppy location + myWinner = ' '; // Set myWinner to empty + myFound = false; // Set myFound false + } + + /** + * Checks if the given floor and room have already been searched. + * + * @param floor the floor to search + * @param room the room to search + * @return true if room has been searched, false otherwise + */ + public boolean roomSearchedAlready(int floor, int room) { + if (myHidingPlaces[floor][room] == '1' || myHidingPlaces[floor][room] == '2') { + // Notify if room has already been searched + System.out.println("Sorry! That room has been searched already!"); + return true; + } else { + return false; + } + } + + /** + * Determines if the puppy is in the room on the given floor. + * + * @param floor the floor to check + * @param room the room to check + * @return true if puppy is here, false otherwise + */ + public boolean puppyLocation(int floor, int room) { + if (myHidingPlaces[floor][room] == 'P') { + return true; + } + else { + return false; + } + } + + /** + * Determines if the given floor and room is within possible locations. + * + * @param floor number to check if in range + * @para room number to check if in range + * @return true if location is within the array, false otherwise + */ + public boolean indicesOK(int floor, int room) { + // Print correct range for guessing if either number was out of bounds + if ((floor < 0 || room < 0) || (floor > numberOfFloors() - 1 || room > numberOfRooms() - 1)) { + System.out.println("Numbers must be between [0-" + (numberOfFloors() - 1) + "] and [0-" + + (numberOfRooms() - 1) + "]!"); + } + return ((floor < myHidingPlaces.length && room < myHidingPlaces[0].length) && + (floor >= 0 && room >= 0)); + } + + /** + * Gets and returns the number of floors. + * + * @return number of floors in array + */ + public int numberOfFloors() { + return myHidingPlaces.length; + } + + /** + * Gets and returns the number of rooms. + * + * @return number of rooms in array + */ + public int numberOfRooms() { + return myHidingPlaces[0].length; + } + + /** + * Checks room to see if the room contains the puppy, if not, insert player number. + * + * @param floor the floor to check + * @param room the room to check + * @param player the player searching the room (1 or 2) + * @return true if puppy is in the room and player wins, false otherwise and player + * number is placed in room + */ + public boolean searchRoom(int floor, int room, char player) { + if (puppyLocation(floor, room)) { + myFound = true; + myWinner = player; + return true; + } + else { + myHidingPlaces[floor][room] = player; + return false; + } + } + + /** + * Validates that the number of floors is greater than zero. + * + * @param numFloors the number of floors + * @return validated number of floors + */ + public int validateFloors(int numFloors) { + Scanner input = new Scanner(System.in); + int floors = numFloors; + while (floors < 1) { + System.out.println("Oops! The number of floors you entered is not valid" + + "\n" + "Please enter another number above 0:"); + floors = input.nextInt(); + } + return floors; + } + + /** + * Validates that the number of rooms is greater than zero. + * + * @param numRooms the number of rooms + * @return validated number of rooms + */ + public int validateRooms(int numRooms) { + Scanner input = new Scanner(System.in); + int rooms = numRooms; + while (rooms < 1) { + System.out.println("Oops! The number of rooms you entered is not valid" + + "\n" + "Please enter another number above 0:"); + rooms = input.nextInt(); + } + return rooms; + } + + /** + * Converts LostPuppy two-dimensional array into a string and + * prints it out in a nicely formatted display. + * + * @return printed out LostPuppy game object + */ + public String toString() { + int floors = myHidingPlaces.length; + int rooms = myHidingPlaces[0].length; + + System.out.print(" "); + // Print top of the grid + for (int i = 0; i < rooms; i++) { + System.out.print("___"); + } + for (int j = 0; j < rooms - 1; j++) { + System.out.print("_"); + } + System.out.print("\n"); + + // Print out floors and rooms with their contents + for (int floor = floors - 1; floor >= 0; floor--) { + System.out.print("| "); + for (int room = 0; room <= rooms - 1; room++) { + if (myHidingPlaces[floor][room] == 'P' && myFound) { + System.out.print("" + myWinner + "" + myHidingPlaces[floor][room] + "| "); + } + else if (myHidingPlaces[floor][room] == 'P' && !myFound) { + System.out.print(" | "); + } + else { + System.out.print(myHidingPlaces[floor][room] + " | "); + } + } + System.out.print("\n"); + for (int i = 0; i < rooms; i++) { + System.out.print("|___"); + } + System.out.print("|\n"); + } + return ""; + } +} \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/TCSS 143/Assignments/Assignment 2/Prog_Assign_2.pdf b/TCSS 143/Assignments/Assignment 2/Prog_Assign_2.pdf new file mode 100644 index 0000000..5f17bae Binary files /dev/null and b/TCSS 143/Assignments/Assignment 2/Prog_Assign_2.pdf differ diff --git a/TCSS 143/Assignments/Assignment 2/PuppyPlay.java b/TCSS 143/Assignments/Assignment 2/PuppyPlay.java new file mode 100644 index 0000000..185819d --- /dev/null +++ b/TCSS 143/Assignments/Assignment 2/PuppyPlay.java @@ -0,0 +1,77 @@ + + +import java.util.*; +/** + * This program is used as a driver program to play the game from the + * class LostPuppy. + * + * A puppy is lost in a multi-floor building represented in the class + * LostPuppy.class. Two players will take turns searching the building + * by selecting a floor and a room where the puppy might be. + * + * @author David Schuessler + * @version Fall 2013 + */ + + +public class PuppyPlay{ + /** + * @param args may contain file names in an array of type String + */ + public static void main(String[] args){ + Scanner s = new Scanner(System.in); + LostPuppy game; + int totalFloors; + int totalRooms; + int floor; + int room; + char[] players = {'1', '2'}; + int playerIndex; + boolean found = false; + Random rand = new Random(); + + do { + System.out.print("To find the puppy, we need to know:\n" + + "\tHow many floors are in the building\n" + + "\tHow many rooms are on the floors\n\n" + + "Please enter the number of floors: "); + totalFloors = s.nextInt(); + System.out.print("Please enter the number of rooms on the floors: "); + totalRooms = s.nextInt(); + s.nextLine(); // Consume previous newline character + + // Start the game + game = new LostPuppy(totalFloors, totalRooms); + + // Pick starting player + playerIndex = rand.nextInt(2); + + System.out.println("\nFloor and room numbers start at zero '0'"); + + do { + + do { + System.out.println("\nPlayer " + players[playerIndex] + + ", enter floor and room to search separated by a space: "); + floor = s.nextInt(); + room = s.nextInt(); + + //for testing, use random generation of floor and room + //floor = rand.nextInt(totalFloors); + //room = rand.nextInt(totalRooms); + } while (!game.indicesOK(floor, room) + || game.roomSearchedAlready(floor, room)); + + found = game.searchRoom(floor, room, players[playerIndex]); + playerIndex = (playerIndex + 1) % 2; + System.out.println("\n[" + floor + "], [" + room + "]"); + System.out.println(game.toString()); + s.nextLine(); + } while (!found); + + playerIndex = (playerIndex + 1) % 2; + System.out.println("Great job player " + players[playerIndex] +"!"); + System.out.println("Would you like to find another puppy [Y/N]? "); + } while (s.nextLine().equalsIgnoreCase("Y")); + } +} \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/TCSS 143/Labs/Lab 4/Author.java b/TCSS 143/Labs/Lab 4/Author.java new file mode 100644 index 0000000..58406db --- /dev/null +++ b/TCSS 143/Labs/Lab 4/Author.java @@ -0,0 +1,39 @@ +/* + Program Name: Author.java + Programmer: Skylar Cowan + Date: 10/19/2016 + Purpose: To be able to use the Author object in TestAuthor.java + storing the name, email and gender of the Author +*/ + +public class Author { + private String name; + private String email; + private char gender; + + public Author (String name, String email, char gender) { + this.name = name; + this.email = email; + this.gender = gender; + } + + public String getName() { + return this.name; + } + + public String getEmail() { + return this.email; + } + + public char getGender() { + return this.gender; + } + + public void setEmail(String email) { + this.email = email; + } + + public String toString() { + return this.getName() + " (" + this.getGender() + ") at " + this.getEmail(); + } +} \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/TCSS 143/Labs/Lab 4/DavidCopperfield.txt b/TCSS 143/Labs/Lab 4/DavidCopperfield.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6c7c56b --- /dev/null +++ b/TCSS 143/Labs/Lab 4/DavidCopperfield.txt @@ -0,0 +1,38588 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of David Copperfield, by Charles Dickens + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: David Copperfield + +Author: Charles Dickens + +Release Date: December, 1996 [Etext #766] +Posting Date: November 24, 2009 +Last updated: October 18, 2015 + +Language: English + + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK DAVID COPPERFIELD *** + + + + +Produced by Jo Churcher + + + + + +DAVID COPPERFIELD + + +By Charles Dickens + + + + AFFECTIONATELY INSCRIBED TO + THE HON. Mr. AND Mrs. RICHARD WATSON, + OF ROCKINGHAM, NORTHAMPTONSHIRE. + + +CONTENTS + + + I. I Am Born + II. I Observe + III. I Have a Change + IV. I Fall into Disgrace + V. I Am Sent Away + VI. I Enlarge My Circle of Acquaintance + VII. My 'First Half' at Salem House + VIII. My Holidays. Especially One Happy Afternoon + IX. I Have a Memorable Birthday + X. I Become Neglected, and Am Provided For + XI. I Begin Life on My Own Account, and Don't Like It + XII. Liking Life on My Own Account No Better, I Form a Great Resolution + XIII. The Sequel of My Resolution + XIV. My Aunt Makes up Her Mind About Me + XV. I Make Another Beginning + XVI. I Am a New Boy in More Senses Than One + XVII. Somebody Turns Up + XVIII. A Retrospect + XIX. I Look About Me and Make a Discovery + XX. Steerforth's Home + XXI. Little Em'ly + XXII. Some Old Scenes, and Some New People + XXIII. I Corroborate Mr. Dick, and Choose a Profession + XXIV. My First Dissipation + XXV. Good and Bad Angels + XXVI. I Fall into Captivity + XXVII. Tommy Traddles + XXVIII. Mr. Micawber's Gauntlet + XXIX. I Visit Steerforth at His Home, Again + XXX. A Loss + XXXI. A Greater Loss + XXXII. The Beginning of a Long Journey + XXXIII. Blissful + XXXIV. My Aunt Astonishes Me + XXXV. Depression + XXXVI. Enthusiasm + XXXVII. A Little Cold Water + XXXVIII. A Dissolution of Partnership + XXXIX. Wickfield and Heep + XL. The Wanderer + XLI. Dora's Aunts + XLII. Mischief + XLIII. Another Retrospect + XLIV. Our Housekeeping + XLV. Mr. Dick Fulfils My Aunt's Predictions + XLVI. Intelligence + XLVII. Martha + XLVIII. Domestic + XLIX. I Am Involved in Mystery + L. Mr. Peggotty's Dream Comes True + LI. The Beginning of a Longer Journey + LII. I Assist at an Explosion + LIII. Another Retrospect + LIV. Mr. Micawber's Transactions + LV. Tempest + LVI. The New Wound, and the Old + LVII. The Emigrants + LVIII. Absence + LIX. Return + LX. Agnes + LXI. I Am Shown Two Interesting Penitents + LXII. A Light Shines on My Way + LXIII. A Visitor + LXIV. A Last Retrospect + + + + +PREFACE TO 1850 EDITION + + +I do not find it easy to get sufficiently far away from this Book, in +the first sensations of having finished it, to refer to it with the +composure which this formal heading would seem to require. My interest +in it, is so recent and strong; and my mind is so divided between +pleasure and regret--pleasure in the achievement of a long design, +regret in the separation from many companions--that I am in danger of +wearying the reader whom I love, with personal confidences, and private +emotions. + +Besides which, all that I could say of the Story, to any purpose, I have +endeavoured to say in it. + +It would concern the reader little, perhaps, to know, how sorrowfully +the pen is laid down at the close of a two-years' imaginative task; or +how an Author feels as if he were dismissing some portion of himself +into the shadowy world, when a crowd of the creatures of his brain +are going from him for ever. Yet, I have nothing else to tell; unless, +indeed, I were to confess (which might be of less moment still) that no +one can ever believe this Narrative, in the reading, more than I have +believed it in the writing. + +Instead of looking back, therefore, I will look forward. I cannot close +this Volume more agreeably to myself, than with a hopeful glance towards +the time when I shall again put forth my two green leaves once a month, +and with a faithful remembrance of the genial sun and showers that have +fallen on these leaves of David Copperfield, and made me happy. + + London, October, 1850. + + + + +PREFACE TO THE CHARLES DICKENS EDITION + + +I REMARKED in the original Preface to this Book, that I did not find it +easy to get sufficiently far away from it, in the first sensations of +having finished it, to refer to it with the composure which this formal +heading would seem to require. My interest in it was so recent and +strong, and my mind was so divided between pleasure and regret--pleasure +in the achievement of a long design, regret in the separation from many +companions--that I was in danger of wearying the reader with personal +confidences and private emotions. + +Besides which, all that I could have said of the Story to any purpose, I +had endeavoured to say in it. + +It would concern the reader little, perhaps, to know how sorrowfully the +pen is laid down at the close of a two-years' imaginative task; or how +an Author feels as if he were dismissing some portion of himself into +the shadowy world, when a crowd of the creatures of his brain are going +from him for ever. Yet, I had nothing else to tell; unless, indeed, I +were to confess (which might be of less moment still), that no one can +ever believe this Narrative, in the reading, more than I believed it in +the writing. + +So true are these avowals at the present day, that I can now only take +the reader into one confidence more. Of all my books, I like this the +best. It will be easily believed that I am a fond parent to every child +of my fancy, and that no one can ever love that family as dearly as I +love them. But, like many fond parents, I have in my heart of hearts a +favourite child. And his name is + +DAVID COPPERFIELD. + + 1869 + + + + +THE PERSONAL HISTORY AND EXPERIENCE OF DAVID COPPERFIELD THE YOUNGER + + + +CHAPTER 1. I AM BORN + + + +Whether I shall turn out to be the hero of my own life, or whether that +station will be held by anybody else, these pages must show. To begin my +life with the beginning of my life, I record that I was born (as I have +been informed and believe) on a Friday, at twelve o'clock at night. +It was remarked that the clock began to strike, and I began to cry, +simultaneously. + +In consideration of the day and hour of my birth, it was declared by +the nurse, and by some sage women in the neighbourhood who had taken a +lively interest in me several months before there was any possibility +of our becoming personally acquainted, first, that I was destined to be +unlucky in life; and secondly, that I was privileged to see ghosts and +spirits; both these gifts inevitably attaching, as they believed, to +all unlucky infants of either gender, born towards the small hours on a +Friday night. + +I need say nothing here, on the first head, because nothing can show +better than my history whether that prediction was verified or falsified +by the result. On the second branch of the question, I will only remark, +that unless I ran through that part of my inheritance while I was still +a baby, I have not come into it yet. But I do not at all complain of +having been kept out of this property; and if anybody else should be in +the present enjoyment of it, he is heartily welcome to keep it. + +I was born with a caul, which was advertised for sale, in the +newspapers, at the low price of fifteen guineas. Whether sea-going +people were short of money about that time, or were short of faith and +preferred cork jackets, I don't know; all I know is, that there was but +one solitary bidding, and that was from an attorney connected with the +bill-broking business, who offered two pounds in cash, and the balance +in sherry, but declined to be guaranteed from drowning on any higher +bargain. Consequently the advertisement was withdrawn at a dead +loss--for as to sherry, my poor dear mother's own sherry was in the +market then--and ten years afterwards, the caul was put up in a raffle +down in our part of the country, to fifty members at half-a-crown a +head, the winner to spend five shillings. I was present myself, and I +remember to have felt quite uncomfortable and confused, at a part of +myself being disposed of in that way. The caul was won, I recollect, by +an old lady with a hand-basket, who, very reluctantly, produced from it +the stipulated five shillings, all in halfpence, and twopence halfpenny +short--as it took an immense time and a great waste of arithmetic, to +endeavour without any effect to prove to her. It is a fact which will +be long remembered as remarkable down there, that she was never drowned, +but died triumphantly in bed, at ninety-two. I have understood that it +was, to the last, her proudest boast, that she never had been on the +water in her life, except upon a bridge; and that over her tea (to which +she was extremely partial) she, to the last, expressed her indignation +at the impiety of mariners and others, who had the presumption to go +'meandering' about the world. It was in vain to represent to her +that some conveniences, tea perhaps included, resulted from this +objectionable practice. She always returned, with greater emphasis and +with an instinctive knowledge of the strength of her objection, 'Let us +have no meandering.' + +Not to meander myself, at present, I will go back to my birth. + +I was born at Blunderstone, in Suffolk, or 'there by', as they say in +Scotland. I was a posthumous child. My father's eyes had closed upon +the light of this world six months, when mine opened on it. There is +something strange to me, even now, in the reflection that he never saw +me; and something stranger yet in the shadowy remembrance that I have +of my first childish associations with his white grave-stone in the +churchyard, and of the indefinable compassion I used to feel for it +lying out alone there in the dark night, when our little parlour +was warm and bright with fire and candle, and the doors of our house +were--almost cruelly, it seemed to me sometimes--bolted and locked +against it. + +An aunt of my father's, and consequently a great-aunt of mine, of whom +I shall have more to relate by and by, was the principal magnate of our +family. Miss Trotwood, or Miss Betsey, as my poor mother always called +her, when she sufficiently overcame her dread of this formidable +personage to mention her at all (which was seldom), had been married +to a husband younger than herself, who was very handsome, except in the +sense of the homely adage, 'handsome is, that handsome does'--for he +was strongly suspected of having beaten Miss Betsey, and even of having +once, on a disputed question of supplies, made some hasty but determined +arrangements to throw her out of a two pair of stairs' window. These +evidences of an incompatibility of temper induced Miss Betsey to pay him +off, and effect a separation by mutual consent. He went to India with +his capital, and there, according to a wild legend in our family, he was +once seen riding on an elephant, in company with a Baboon; but I think +it must have been a Baboo--or a Begum. Anyhow, from India tidings of his +death reached home, within ten years. How they affected my aunt, nobody +knew; for immediately upon the separation, she took her maiden name +again, bought a cottage in a hamlet on the sea-coast a long way off, +established herself there as a single woman with one servant, and +was understood to live secluded, ever afterwards, in an inflexible +retirement. + +My father had once been a favourite of hers, I believe; but she was +mortally affronted by his marriage, on the ground that my mother was 'a +wax doll'. She had never seen my mother, but she knew her to be not +yet twenty. My father and Miss Betsey never met again. He was double +my mother's age when he married, and of but a delicate constitution. He +died a year afterwards, and, as I have said, six months before I came +into the world. + +This was the state of matters, on the afternoon of, what I may be +excused for calling, that eventful and important Friday. I can make no +claim therefore to have known, at that time, how matters stood; or to +have any remembrance, founded on the evidence of my own senses, of what +follows. + +My mother was sitting by the fire, but poorly in health, and very low in +spirits, looking at it through her tears, and desponding heavily about +herself and the fatherless little stranger, who was already welcomed by +some grosses of prophetic pins, in a drawer upstairs, to a world not at +all excited on the subject of his arrival; my mother, I say, was sitting +by the fire, that bright, windy March afternoon, very timid and sad, and +very doubtful of ever coming alive out of the trial that was before her, +when, lifting her eyes as she dried them, to the window opposite, she +saw a strange lady coming up the garden. + +My mother had a sure foreboding at the second glance, that it was +Miss Betsey. The setting sun was glowing on the strange lady, over the +garden-fence, and she came walking up to the door with a fell rigidity +of figure and composure of countenance that could have belonged to +nobody else. + +When she reached the house, she gave another proof of her identity. +My father had often hinted that she seldom conducted herself like any +ordinary Christian; and now, instead of ringing the bell, she came and +looked in at that identical window, pressing the end of her nose against +the glass to that extent, that my poor dear mother used to say it became +perfectly flat and white in a moment. + +She gave my mother such a turn, that I have always been convinced I am +indebted to Miss Betsey for having been born on a Friday. + +My mother had left her chair in her agitation, and gone behind it in +the corner. Miss Betsey, looking round the room, slowly and inquiringly, +began on the other side, and carried her eyes on, like a Saracen's Head +in a Dutch clock, until they reached my mother. Then she made a frown +and a gesture to my mother, like one who was accustomed to be obeyed, to +come and open the door. My mother went. + +'Mrs. David Copperfield, I think,' said Miss Betsey; the emphasis +referring, perhaps, to my mother's mourning weeds, and her condition. + +'Yes,' said my mother, faintly. + +'Miss Trotwood,' said the visitor. 'You have heard of her, I dare say?' + +My mother answered she had had that pleasure. And she had a disagreeable +consciousness of not appearing to imply that it had been an overpowering +pleasure. + +'Now you see her,' said Miss Betsey. My mother bent her head, and begged +her to walk in. + +They went into the parlour my mother had come from, the fire in the best +room on the other side of the passage not being lighted--not having +been lighted, indeed, since my father's funeral; and when they were both +seated, and Miss Betsey said nothing, my mother, after vainly trying to +restrain herself, began to cry. 'Oh tut, tut, tut!' said Miss Betsey, in +a hurry. 'Don't do that! Come, come!' + +My mother couldn't help it notwithstanding, so she cried until she had +had her cry out. + +'Take off your cap, child,' said Miss Betsey, 'and let me see you.' + +My mother was too much afraid of her to refuse compliance with this odd +request, if she had any disposition to do so. Therefore she did as she +was told, and did it with such nervous hands that her hair (which was +luxuriant and beautiful) fell all about her face. + +'Why, bless my heart!' exclaimed Miss Betsey. 'You are a very Baby!' + +My mother was, no doubt, unusually youthful in appearance even for her +years; she hung her head, as if it were her fault, poor thing, and said, +sobbing, that indeed she was afraid she was but a childish widow, and +would be but a childish mother if she lived. In a short pause which +ensued, she had a fancy that she felt Miss Betsey touch her hair, and +that with no ungentle hand; but, looking at her, in her timid hope, she +found that lady sitting with the skirt of her dress tucked up, her hands +folded on one knee, and her feet upon the fender, frowning at the fire. + +'In the name of Heaven,' said Miss Betsey, suddenly, 'why Rookery?' + +'Do you mean the house, ma'am?' asked my mother. + +'Why Rookery?' said Miss Betsey. 'Cookery would have been more to the +purpose, if you had had any practical ideas of life, either of you.' + +'The name was Mr. Copperfield's choice,' returned my mother. 'When he +bought the house, he liked to think that there were rooks about it.' + +The evening wind made such a disturbance just now, among some tall old +elm-trees at the bottom of the garden, that neither my mother nor Miss +Betsey could forbear glancing that way. As the elms bent to one another, +like giants who were whispering secrets, and after a few seconds of such +repose, fell into a violent flurry, tossing their wild arms about, as if +their late confidences were really too wicked for their peace of mind, +some weatherbeaten ragged old rooks'-nests, burdening their higher +branches, swung like wrecks upon a stormy sea. + +'Where are the birds?' asked Miss Betsey. + +'The--?' My mother had been thinking of something else. + +'The rooks--what has become of them?' asked Miss Betsey. + +'There have not been any since we have lived here,' said my mother. 'We +thought--Mr. Copperfield thought--it was quite a large rookery; but +the nests were very old ones, and the birds have deserted them a long +while.' + +'David Copperfield all over!' cried Miss Betsey. 'David Copperfield from +head to foot! Calls a house a rookery when there's not a rook near it, +and takes the birds on trust, because he sees the nests!' + +'Mr. Copperfield,' returned my mother, 'is dead, and if you dare to +speak unkindly of him to me--' + +My poor dear mother, I suppose, had some momentary intention of +committing an assault and battery upon my aunt, who could easily have +settled her with one hand, even if my mother had been in far better +training for such an encounter than she was that evening. But it passed +with the action of rising from her chair; and she sat down again very +meekly, and fainted. + +When she came to herself, or when Miss Betsey had restored her, +whichever it was, she found the latter standing at the window. The +twilight was by this time shading down into darkness; and dimly as they +saw each other, they could not have done that without the aid of the +fire. + +'Well?' said Miss Betsey, coming back to her chair, as if she had only +been taking a casual look at the prospect; 'and when do you expect--' + +'I am all in a tremble,' faltered my mother. 'I don't know what's the +matter. I shall die, I am sure!' + +'No, no, no,' said Miss Betsey. 'Have some tea.' + +'Oh dear me, dear me, do you think it will do me any good?' cried my +mother in a helpless manner. + +'Of course it will,' said Miss Betsey. 'It's nothing but fancy. What do +you call your girl?' + +'I don't know that it will be a girl, yet, ma'am,' said my mother +innocently. + +'Bless the Baby!' exclaimed Miss Betsey, unconsciously quoting the +second sentiment of the pincushion in the drawer upstairs, but +applying it to my mother instead of me, 'I don't mean that. I mean your +servant-girl.' + +'Peggotty,' said my mother. + +'Peggotty!' repeated Miss Betsey, with some indignation. 'Do you mean to +say, child, that any human being has gone into a Christian church, +and got herself named Peggotty?' 'It's her surname,' said my mother, +faintly. 'Mr. Copperfield called her by it, because her Christian name +was the same as mine.' + +'Here! Peggotty!' cried Miss Betsey, opening the parlour door. 'Tea. +Your mistress is a little unwell. Don't dawdle.' + +Having issued this mandate with as much potentiality as if she had been +a recognized authority in the house ever since it had been a house, +and having looked out to confront the amazed Peggotty coming along the +passage with a candle at the sound of a strange voice, Miss Betsey shut +the door again, and sat down as before: with her feet on the fender, the +skirt of her dress tucked up, and her hands folded on one knee. + +'You were speaking about its being a girl,' said Miss Betsey. 'I have no +doubt it will be a girl. I have a presentiment that it must be a girl. +Now child, from the moment of the birth of this girl--' + +'Perhaps boy,' my mother took the liberty of putting in. + +'I tell you I have a presentiment that it must be a girl,' returned Miss +Betsey. 'Don't contradict. From the moment of this girl's birth, child, +I intend to be her friend. I intend to be her godmother, and I beg +you'll call her Betsey Trotwood Copperfield. There must be no mistakes +in life with THIS Betsey Trotwood. There must be no trifling with HER +affections, poor dear. She must be well brought up, and well guarded +from reposing any foolish confidences where they are not deserved. I +must make that MY care.' + +There was a twitch of Miss Betsey's head, after each of these sentences, +as if her own old wrongs were working within her, and she repressed any +plainer reference to them by strong constraint. So my mother suspected, +at least, as she observed her by the low glimmer of the fire: too +much scared by Miss Betsey, too uneasy in herself, and too subdued and +bewildered altogether, to observe anything very clearly, or to know what +to say. + +'And was David good to you, child?' asked Miss Betsey, when she had been +silent for a little while, and these motions of her head had gradually +ceased. 'Were you comfortable together?' + +'We were very happy,' said my mother. 'Mr. Copperfield was only too good +to me.' + +'What, he spoilt you, I suppose?' returned Miss Betsey. + +'For being quite alone and dependent on myself in this rough world +again, yes, I fear he did indeed,' sobbed my mother. + +'Well! Don't cry!' said Miss Betsey. 'You were not equally matched, +child--if any two people can be equally matched--and so I asked the +question. You were an orphan, weren't you?' 'Yes.' + +'And a governess?' + +'I was nursery-governess in a family where Mr. Copperfield came to +visit. Mr. Copperfield was very kind to me, and took a great deal of +notice of me, and paid me a good deal of attention, and at last proposed +to me. And I accepted him. And so we were married,' said my mother +simply. + +'Ha! Poor Baby!' mused Miss Betsey, with her frown still bent upon the +fire. 'Do you know anything?' + +'I beg your pardon, ma'am,' faltered my mother. + +'About keeping house, for instance,' said Miss Betsey. + +'Not much, I fear,' returned my mother. 'Not so much as I could wish. +But Mr. Copperfield was teaching me--' + +('Much he knew about it himself!') said Miss Betsey in a parenthesis. +--'And I hope I should have improved, being very anxious to learn, and +he very patient to teach me, if the great misfortune of his death'--my +mother broke down again here, and could get no farther. + +'Well, well!' said Miss Betsey. --'I kept my housekeeping-book +regularly, and balanced it with Mr. Copperfield every night,' cried my +mother in another burst of distress, and breaking down again. + +'Well, well!' said Miss Betsey. 'Don't cry any more.' --'And I am +sure we never had a word of difference respecting it, except when Mr. +Copperfield objected to my threes and fives being too much like each +other, or to my putting curly tails to my sevens and nines,' resumed my +mother in another burst, and breaking down again. + +'You'll make yourself ill,' said Miss Betsey, 'and you know that will +not be good either for you or for my god-daughter. Come! You mustn't do +it!' + +This argument had some share in quieting my mother, though her +increasing indisposition had a larger one. There was an interval of +silence, only broken by Miss Betsey's occasionally ejaculating 'Ha!' as +she sat with her feet upon the fender. + +'David had bought an annuity for himself with his money, I know,' said +she, by and by. 'What did he do for you?' + +'Mr. Copperfield,' said my mother, answering with some difficulty, 'was +so considerate and good as to secure the reversion of a part of it to +me.' + +'How much?' asked Miss Betsey. + +'A hundred and five pounds a year,' said my mother. + +'He might have done worse,' said my aunt. + +The word was appropriate to the moment. My mother was so much worse +that Peggotty, coming in with the teaboard and candles, and seeing at a +glance how ill she was,--as Miss Betsey might have done sooner if there +had been light enough,--conveyed her upstairs to her own room with all +speed; and immediately dispatched Ham Peggotty, her nephew, who had been +for some days past secreted in the house, unknown to my mother, as a +special messenger in case of emergency, to fetch the nurse and doctor. + +Those allied powers were considerably astonished, when they arrived +within a few minutes of each other, to find an unknown lady of +portentous appearance, sitting before the fire, with her bonnet tied +over her left arm, stopping her ears with jewellers' cotton. Peggotty +knowing nothing about her, and my mother saying nothing about her, +she was quite a mystery in the parlour; and the fact of her having a +magazine of jewellers' cotton in her pocket, and sticking the article +in her ears in that way, did not detract from the solemnity of her +presence. + +The doctor having been upstairs and come down again, and having +satisfied himself, I suppose, that there was a probability of this +unknown lady and himself having to sit there, face to face, for some +hours, laid himself out to be polite and social. He was the meekest of +his sex, the mildest of little men. He sidled in and out of a room, to +take up the less space. He walked as softly as the Ghost in Hamlet, +and more slowly. He carried his head on one side, partly in modest +depreciation of himself, partly in modest propitiation of everybody +else. It is nothing to say that he hadn't a word to throw at a dog. He +couldn't have thrown a word at a mad dog. He might have offered him one +gently, or half a one, or a fragment of one; for he spoke as slowly as +he walked; but he wouldn't have been rude to him, and he couldn't have +been quick with him, for any earthly consideration. + +Mr. Chillip, looking mildly at my aunt with his head on one side, and +making her a little bow, said, in allusion to the jewellers' cotton, as +he softly touched his left ear: + +'Some local irritation, ma'am?' + +'What!' replied my aunt, pulling the cotton out of one ear like a cork. + +Mr. Chillip was so alarmed by her abruptness--as he told my mother +afterwards--that it was a mercy he didn't lose his presence of mind. But +he repeated sweetly: + +'Some local irritation, ma'am?' + +'Nonsense!' replied my aunt, and corked herself again, at one blow. + +Mr. Chillip could do nothing after this, but sit and look at her feebly, +as she sat and looked at the fire, until he was called upstairs again. +After some quarter of an hour's absence, he returned. + +'Well?' said my aunt, taking the cotton out of the ear nearest to him. + +'Well, ma'am,' returned Mr. Chillip, 'we are--we are progressing slowly, +ma'am.' + +'Ba--a--ah!' said my aunt, with a perfect shake on the contemptuous +interjection. And corked herself as before. + +Really--really--as Mr. Chillip told my mother, he was almost shocked; +speaking in a professional point of view alone, he was almost shocked. +But he sat and looked at her, notwithstanding, for nearly two hours, +as she sat looking at the fire, until he was again called out. After +another absence, he again returned. + +'Well?' said my aunt, taking out the cotton on that side again. + +'Well, ma'am,' returned Mr. Chillip, 'we are--we are progressing slowly, +ma'am.' + +'Ya--a--ah!' said my aunt. With such a snarl at him, that Mr. Chillip +absolutely could not bear it. It was really calculated to break his +spirit, he said afterwards. He preferred to go and sit upon the stairs, +in the dark and a strong draught, until he was again sent for. + +Ham Peggotty, who went to the national school, and was a very dragon at +his catechism, and who may therefore be regarded as a credible witness, +reported next day, that happening to peep in at the parlour-door an hour +after this, he was instantly descried by Miss Betsey, then walking to +and fro in a state of agitation, and pounced upon before he could make +his escape. That there were now occasional sounds of feet and voices +overhead which he inferred the cotton did not exclude, from the +circumstance of his evidently being clutched by the lady as a victim on +whom to expend her superabundant agitation when the sounds were loudest. +That, marching him constantly up and down by the collar (as if he had +been taking too much laudanum), she, at those times, shook him, rumpled +his hair, made light of his linen, stopped his ears as if she confounded +them with her own, and otherwise tousled and maltreated him. This was +in part confirmed by his aunt, who saw him at half past twelve o'clock, +soon after his release, and affirmed that he was then as red as I was. + +The mild Mr. Chillip could not possibly bear malice at such a time, if +at any time. He sidled into the parlour as soon as he was at liberty, +and said to my aunt in his meekest manner: + +'Well, ma'am, I am happy to congratulate you.' + +'What upon?' said my aunt, sharply. + +Mr. Chillip was fluttered again, by the extreme severity of my aunt's +manner; so he made her a little bow and gave her a little smile, to +mollify her. + +'Mercy on the man, what's he doing!' cried my aunt, impatiently. 'Can't +he speak?' + +'Be calm, my dear ma'am,' said Mr. Chillip, in his softest accents. + +'There is no longer any occasion for uneasiness, ma'am. Be calm.' + +It has since been considered almost a miracle that my aunt didn't shake +him, and shake what he had to say, out of him. She only shook her own +head at him, but in a way that made him quail. + +'Well, ma'am,' resumed Mr. Chillip, as soon as he had courage, 'I am +happy to congratulate you. All is now over, ma'am, and well over.' + +During the five minutes or so that Mr. Chillip devoted to the delivery +of this oration, my aunt eyed him narrowly. + +'How is she?' said my aunt, folding her arms with her bonnet still tied +on one of them. + +'Well, ma'am, she will soon be quite comfortable, I hope,' returned Mr. +Chillip. 'Quite as comfortable as we can expect a young mother to be, +under these melancholy domestic circumstances. There cannot be any +objection to your seeing her presently, ma'am. It may do her good.' + +'And SHE. How is SHE?' said my aunt, sharply. + +Mr. Chillip laid his head a little more on one side, and looked at my +aunt like an amiable bird. + +'The baby,' said my aunt. 'How is she?' + +'Ma'am,' returned Mr. Chillip, 'I apprehended you had known. It's a +boy.' + +My aunt said never a word, but took her bonnet by the strings, in the +manner of a sling, aimed a blow at Mr. Chillip's head with it, put it on +bent, walked out, and never came back. She vanished like a discontented +fairy; or like one of those supernatural beings, whom it was popularly +supposed I was entitled to see; and never came back any more. + +No. I lay in my basket, and my mother lay in her bed; but Betsey +Trotwood Copperfield was for ever in the land of dreams and shadows, the +tremendous region whence I had so lately travelled; and the light upon +the window of our room shone out upon the earthly bourne of all such +travellers, and the mound above the ashes and the dust that once was he, +without whom I had never been. + + + +CHAPTER 2. I OBSERVE + + +The first objects that assume a distinct presence before me, as I look +far back, into the blank of my infancy, are my mother with her pretty +hair and youthful shape, and Peggotty with no shape at all, and eyes so +dark that they seemed to darken their whole neighbourhood in her face, +and cheeks and arms so hard and red that I wondered the birds didn't +peck her in preference to apples. + +I believe I can remember these two at a little distance apart, dwarfed +to my sight by stooping down or kneeling on the floor, and I going +unsteadily from the one to the other. I have an impression on my mind +which I cannot distinguish from actual remembrance, of the touch of +Peggotty's forefinger as she used to hold it out to me, and of its being +roughened by needlework, like a pocket nutmeg-grater. + +This may be fancy, though I think the memory of most of us can go +farther back into such times than many of us suppose; just as I believe +the power of observation in numbers of very young children to be quite +wonderful for its closeness and accuracy. Indeed, I think that most +grown men who are remarkable in this respect, may with greater propriety +be said not to have lost the faculty, than to have acquired it; the +rather, as I generally observe such men to retain a certain freshness, +and gentleness, and capacity of being pleased, which are also an +inheritance they have preserved from their childhood. + +I might have a misgiving that I am 'meandering' in stopping to say this, +but that it brings me to remark that I build these conclusions, in part +upon my own experience of myself; and if it should appear from +anything I may set down in this narrative that I was a child of close +observation, or that as a man I have a strong memory of my childhood, I +undoubtedly lay claim to both of these characteristics. + +Looking back, as I was saying, into the blank of my infancy, the first +objects I can remember as standing out by themselves from a confusion of +things, are my mother and Peggotty. What else do I remember? Let me see. + + +There comes out of the cloud, our house--not new to me, but quite +familiar, in its earliest remembrance. On the ground-floor is Peggotty's +kitchen, opening into a back yard; with a pigeon-house on a pole, in +the centre, without any pigeons in it; a great dog-kennel in a corner, +without any dog; and a quantity of fowls that look terribly tall to me, +walking about, in a menacing and ferocious manner. There is one cock who +gets upon a post to crow, and seems to take particular notice of me as +I look at him through the kitchen window, who makes me shiver, he is so +fierce. Of the geese outside the side-gate who come waddling after +me with their long necks stretched out when I go that way, I dream at +night: as a man environed by wild beasts might dream of lions. + +Here is a long passage--what an enormous perspective I make of +it!--leading from Peggotty's kitchen to the front door. A dark +store-room opens out of it, and that is a place to be run past at +night; for I don't know what may be among those tubs and jars and old +tea-chests, when there is nobody in there with a dimly-burning light, +letting a mouldy air come out of the door, in which there is the smell +of soap, pickles, pepper, candles, and coffee, all at one whiff. Then +there are the two parlours: the parlour in which we sit of an evening, +my mother and I and Peggotty--for Peggotty is quite our companion, when +her work is done and we are alone--and the best parlour where we sit +on a Sunday; grandly, but not so comfortably. There is something of a +doleful air about that room to me, for Peggotty has told me--I don't +know when, but apparently ages ago--about my father's funeral, and the +company having their black cloaks put on. One Sunday night my mother +reads to Peggotty and me in there, how Lazarus was raised up from the +dead. And I am so frightened that they are afterwards obliged to take me +out of bed, and show me the quiet churchyard out of the bedroom window, +with the dead all lying in their graves at rest, below the solemn moon. + +There is nothing half so green that I know anywhere, as the grass of +that churchyard; nothing half so shady as its trees; nothing half so +quiet as its tombstones. The sheep are feeding there, when I kneel up, +early in the morning, in my little bed in a closet within my mother's +room, to look out at it; and I see the red light shining on the +sun-dial, and think within myself, 'Is the sun-dial glad, I wonder, that +it can tell the time again?' + +Here is our pew in the church. What a high-backed pew! With a window +near it, out of which our house can be seen, and IS seen many times +during the morning's service, by Peggotty, who likes to make herself +as sure as she can that it's not being robbed, or is not in flames. But +though Peggotty's eye wanders, she is much offended if mine does, +and frowns to me, as I stand upon the seat, that I am to look at the +clergyman. But I can't always look at him--I know him without that white +thing on, and I am afraid of his wondering why I stare so, and perhaps +stopping the service to inquire--and what am I to do? It's a dreadful +thing to gape, but I must do something. I look at my mother, but she +pretends not to see me. I look at a boy in the aisle, and he makes faces +at me. I look at the sunlight coming in at the open door through +the porch, and there I see a stray sheep--I don't mean a sinner, but +mutton--half making up his mind to come into the church. I feel that +if I looked at him any longer, I might be tempted to say something out +loud; and what would become of me then! I look up at the monumental +tablets on the wall, and try to think of Mr. Bodgers late of this +parish, and what the feelings of Mrs. Bodgers must have been, when +affliction sore, long time Mr. Bodgers bore, and physicians were in +vain. I wonder whether they called in Mr. Chillip, and he was in vain; +and if so, how he likes to be reminded of it once a week. I look from +Mr. Chillip, in his Sunday neckcloth, to the pulpit; and think what a +good place it would be to play in, and what a castle it would make, with +another boy coming up the stairs to attack it, and having the velvet +cushion with the tassels thrown down on his head. In time my eyes +gradually shut up; and, from seeming to hear the clergyman singing a +drowsy song in the heat, I hear nothing, until I fall off the seat with +a crash, and am taken out, more dead than alive, by Peggotty. + +And now I see the outside of our house, with the latticed +bedroom-windows standing open to let in the sweet-smelling air, and the +ragged old rooks'-nests still dangling in the elm-trees at the bottom +of the front garden. Now I am in the garden at the back, beyond the +yard where the empty pigeon-house and dog-kennel are--a very preserve +of butterflies, as I remember it, with a high fence, and a gate and +padlock; where the fruit clusters on the trees, riper and richer than +fruit has ever been since, in any other garden, and where my +mother gathers some in a basket, while I stand by, bolting furtive +gooseberries, and trying to look unmoved. A great wind rises, and the +summer is gone in a moment. We are playing in the winter twilight, +dancing about the parlour. When my mother is out of breath and rests +herself in an elbow-chair, I watch her winding her bright curls round +her fingers, and straitening her waist, and nobody knows better than I +do that she likes to look so well, and is proud of being so pretty. + +That is among my very earliest impressions. That, and a sense that we +were both a little afraid of Peggotty, and submitted ourselves in most +things to her direction, were among the first opinions--if they may be +so called--that I ever derived from what I saw. + +Peggotty and I were sitting one night by the parlour fire, alone. I +had been reading to Peggotty about crocodiles. I must have read very +perspicuously, or the poor soul must have been deeply interested, for I +remember she had a cloudy impression, after I had done, that they were +a sort of vegetable. I was tired of reading, and dead sleepy; but +having leave, as a high treat, to sit up until my mother came home from +spending the evening at a neighbour's, I would rather have died upon +my post (of course) than have gone to bed. I had reached that stage of +sleepiness when Peggotty seemed to swell and grow immensely large. +I propped my eyelids open with my two forefingers, and looked +perseveringly at her as she sat at work; at the little bit of wax-candle +she kept for her thread--how old it looked, being so wrinkled in +all directions!--at the little house with a thatched roof, where the +yard-measure lived; at her work-box with a sliding lid, with a view of +St. Paul's Cathedral (with a pink dome) painted on the top; at the brass +thimble on her finger; at herself, whom I thought lovely. I felt so +sleepy, that I knew if I lost sight of anything for a moment, I was +gone. + +'Peggotty,' says I, suddenly, 'were you ever married?' + +'Lord, Master Davy,' replied Peggotty. 'What's put marriage in your +head?' + +She answered with such a start, that it quite awoke me. And then she +stopped in her work, and looked at me, with her needle drawn out to its +thread's length. + +'But WERE you ever married, Peggotty?' says I. 'You are a very handsome +woman, an't you?' + +I thought her in a different style from my mother, certainly; but of +another school of beauty, I considered her a perfect example. There +was a red velvet footstool in the best parlour, on which my mother +had painted a nosegay. The ground-work of that stool, and Peggotty's +complexion appeared to me to be one and the same thing. The stool was +smooth, and Peggotty was rough, but that made no difference. + +'Me handsome, Davy!' said Peggotty. 'Lawk, no, my dear! But what put +marriage in your head?' + +'I don't know!--You mustn't marry more than one person at a time, may +you, Peggotty?' + +'Certainly not,' says Peggotty, with the promptest decision. + +'But if you marry a person, and the person dies, why then you may marry +another person, mayn't you, Peggotty?' + +'YOU MAY,' says Peggotty, 'if you choose, my dear. That's a matter of +opinion.' + +'But what is your opinion, Peggotty?' said I. + +I asked her, and looked curiously at her, because she looked so +curiously at me. + +'My opinion is,' said Peggotty, taking her eyes from me, after a little +indecision and going on with her work, 'that I never was married myself, +Master Davy, and that I don't expect to be. That's all I know about the +subject.' + +'You an't cross, I suppose, Peggotty, are you?' said I, after sitting +quiet for a minute. + +I really thought she was, she had been so short with me; but I was quite +mistaken: for she laid aside her work (which was a stocking of her own), +and opening her arms wide, took my curly head within them, and gave it +a good squeeze. I know it was a good squeeze, because, being very plump, +whenever she made any little exertion after she was dressed, some of the +buttons on the back of her gown flew off. And I recollect two bursting +to the opposite side of the parlour, while she was hugging me. + +'Now let me hear some more about the Crorkindills,' said Peggotty, who +was not quite right in the name yet, 'for I an't heard half enough.' + +I couldn't quite understand why Peggotty looked so queer, or why she +was so ready to go back to the crocodiles. However, we returned to those +monsters, with fresh wakefulness on my part, and we left their eggs in +the sand for the sun to hatch; and we ran away from them, and baffled +them by constantly turning, which they were unable to do quickly, on +account of their unwieldy make; and we went into the water after them, +as natives, and put sharp pieces of timber down their throats; and in +short we ran the whole crocodile gauntlet. I did, at least; but I had +my doubts of Peggotty, who was thoughtfully sticking her needle into +various parts of her face and arms, all the time. + +We had exhausted the crocodiles, and begun with the alligators, when +the garden-bell rang. We went out to the door; and there was my mother, +looking unusually pretty, I thought, and with her a gentleman with +beautiful black hair and whiskers, who had walked home with us from +church last Sunday. + +As my mother stooped down on the threshold to take me in her arms and +kiss me, the gentleman said I was a more highly privileged little fellow +than a monarch--or something like that; for my later understanding +comes, I am sensible, to my aid here. + +'What does that mean?' I asked him, over her shoulder. + +He patted me on the head; but somehow, I didn't like him or his deep +voice, and I was jealous that his hand should touch my mother's in +touching me--which it did. I put it away, as well as I could. + +'Oh, Davy!' remonstrated my mother. + +'Dear boy!' said the gentleman. 'I cannot wonder at his devotion!' + +I never saw such a beautiful colour on my mother's face before. She +gently chid me for being rude; and, keeping me close to her shawl, +turned to thank the gentleman for taking so much trouble as to bring her +home. She put out her hand to him as she spoke, and, as he met it with +his own, she glanced, I thought, at me. + +'Let us say "good night", my fine boy,' said the gentleman, when he had +bent his head--I saw him!--over my mother's little glove. + +'Good night!' said I. + +'Come! Let us be the best friends in the world!' said the gentleman, +laughing. 'Shake hands!' + +My right hand was in my mother's left, so I gave him the other. + +'Why, that's the Wrong hand, Davy!' laughed the gentleman. + +My mother drew my right hand forward, but I was resolved, for my former +reason, not to give it him, and I did not. I gave him the other, and he +shook it heartily, and said I was a brave fellow, and went away. + +At this minute I see him turn round in the garden, and give us a last +look with his ill-omened black eyes, before the door was shut. + +Peggotty, who had not said a word or moved a finger, secured the +fastenings instantly, and we all went into the parlour. My mother, +contrary to her usual habit, instead of coming to the elbow-chair by the +fire, remained at the other end of the room, and sat singing to herself. +--'Hope you have had a pleasant evening, ma'am,' said Peggotty, standing +as stiff as a barrel in the centre of the room, with a candlestick in +her hand. + +'Much obliged to you, Peggotty,' returned my mother, in a cheerful +voice, 'I have had a VERY pleasant evening.' + +'A stranger or so makes an agreeable change,' suggested Peggotty. + +'A very agreeable change, indeed,' returned my mother. + +Peggotty continuing to stand motionless in the middle of the room, and +my mother resuming her singing, I fell asleep, though I was not so sound +asleep but that I could hear voices, without hearing what they said. +When I half awoke from this uncomfortable doze, I found Peggotty and my +mother both in tears, and both talking. + +'Not such a one as this, Mr. Copperfield wouldn't have liked,' said +Peggotty. 'That I say, and that I swear!' + +'Good Heavens!' cried my mother, 'you'll drive me mad! Was ever any +poor girl so ill-used by her servants as I am! Why do I do myself +the injustice of calling myself a girl? Have I never been married, +Peggotty?' + +'God knows you have, ma'am,' returned Peggotty. 'Then, how can you +dare,' said my mother--'you know I don't mean how can you dare, +Peggotty, but how can you have the heart--to make me so uncomfortable +and say such bitter things to me, when you are well aware that I +haven't, out of this place, a single friend to turn to?' + +'The more's the reason,' returned Peggotty, 'for saying that it won't +do. No! That it won't do. No! No price could make it do. No!'--I thought +Peggotty would have thrown the candlestick away, she was so emphatic +with it. + +'How can you be so aggravating,' said my mother, shedding more tears +than before, 'as to talk in such an unjust manner! How can you go on as +if it was all settled and arranged, Peggotty, when I tell you over +and over again, you cruel thing, that beyond the commonest civilities +nothing has passed! You talk of admiration. What am I to do? If people +are so silly as to indulge the sentiment, is it my fault? What am I to +do, I ask you? Would you wish me to shave my head and black my face, or +disfigure myself with a burn, or a scald, or something of that sort? I +dare say you would, Peggotty. I dare say you'd quite enjoy it.' + +Peggotty seemed to take this aspersion very much to heart, I thought. + +'And my dear boy,' cried my mother, coming to the elbow-chair in which +I was, and caressing me, 'my own little Davy! Is it to be hinted to me +that I am wanting in affection for my precious treasure, the dearest +little fellow that ever was!' + +'Nobody never went and hinted no such a thing,' said Peggotty. + +'You did, Peggotty!' returned my mother. 'You know you did. What else +was it possible to infer from what you said, you unkind creature, +when you know as well as I do, that on his account only last quarter I +wouldn't buy myself a new parasol, though that old green one is frayed +the whole way up, and the fringe is perfectly mangy? You know it is, +Peggotty. You can't deny it.' Then, turning affectionately to me, with +her cheek against mine, 'Am I a naughty mama to you, Davy? Am I a nasty, +cruel, selfish, bad mama? Say I am, my child; say "yes", dear boy, and +Peggotty will love you; and Peggotty's love is a great deal better than +mine, Davy. I don't love you at all, do I?' + +At this, we all fell a-crying together. I think I was the loudest of +the party, but I am sure we were all sincere about it. I was quite +heart-broken myself, and am afraid that in the first transports of +wounded tenderness I called Peggotty a 'Beast'. That honest creature was +in deep affliction, I remember, and must have become quite buttonless +on the occasion; for a little volley of those explosives went off, +when, after having made it up with my mother, she kneeled down by the +elbow-chair, and made it up with me. + +We went to bed greatly dejected. My sobs kept waking me, for a long +time; and when one very strong sob quite hoisted me up in bed, I found +my mother sitting on the coverlet, and leaning over me. I fell asleep in +her arms, after that, and slept soundly. + +Whether it was the following Sunday when I saw the gentleman again, +or whether there was any greater lapse of time before he reappeared, +I cannot recall. I don't profess to be clear about dates. But there he +was, in church, and he walked home with us afterwards. He came in, too, +to look at a famous geranium we had, in the parlour-window. It did not +appear to me that he took much notice of it, but before he went he asked +my mother to give him a bit of the blossom. She begged him to choose it +for himself, but he refused to do that--I could not understand why--so +she plucked it for him, and gave it into his hand. He said he would +never, never part with it any more; and I thought he must be quite a +fool not to know that it would fall to pieces in a day or two. + +Peggotty began to be less with us, of an evening, than she had always +been. My mother deferred to her very much--more than usual, it occurred +to me--and we were all three excellent friends; still we were different +from what we used to be, and were not so comfortable among ourselves. +Sometimes I fancied that Peggotty perhaps objected to my mother's +wearing all the pretty dresses she had in her drawers, or to her +going so often to visit at that neighbour's; but I couldn't, to my +satisfaction, make out how it was. + +Gradually, I became used to seeing the gentleman with the black +whiskers. I liked him no better than at first, and had the same uneasy +jealousy of him; but if I had any reason for it beyond a child's +instinctive dislike, and a general idea that Peggotty and I could make +much of my mother without any help, it certainly was not THE reason that +I might have found if I had been older. No such thing came into my mind, +or near it. I could observe, in little pieces, as it were; but as to +making a net of a number of these pieces, and catching anybody in it, +that was, as yet, beyond me. + +One autumn morning I was with my mother in the front garden, when Mr. +Murdstone--I knew him by that name now--came by, on horseback. He reined +up his horse to salute my mother, and said he was going to Lowestoft to +see some friends who were there with a yacht, and merrily proposed to +take me on the saddle before him if I would like the ride. + +The air was so clear and pleasant, and the horse seemed to like the +idea of the ride so much himself, as he stood snorting and pawing at the +garden-gate, that I had a great desire to go. So I was sent upstairs +to Peggotty to be made spruce; and in the meantime Mr. Murdstone +dismounted, and, with his horse's bridle drawn over his arm, walked +slowly up and down on the outer side of the sweetbriar fence, while my +mother walked slowly up and down on the inner to keep him company. I +recollect Peggotty and I peeping out at them from my little window; I +recollect how closely they seemed to be examining the sweetbriar between +them, as they strolled along; and how, from being in a perfectly angelic +temper, Peggotty turned cross in a moment, and brushed my hair the wrong +way, excessively hard. + +Mr. Murdstone and I were soon off, and trotting along on the green turf +by the side of the road. He held me quite easily with one arm, and I +don't think I was restless usually; but I could not make up my mind to +sit in front of him without turning my head sometimes, and looking up in +his face. He had that kind of shallow black eye--I want a better word to +express an eye that has no depth in it to be looked into--which, when +it is abstracted, seems from some peculiarity of light to be disfigured, +for a moment at a time, by a cast. Several times when I glanced at him, +I observed that appearance with a sort of awe, and wondered what he +was thinking about so closely. His hair and whiskers were blacker and +thicker, looked at so near, than even I had given them credit for being. +A squareness about the lower part of his face, and the dotted indication +of the strong black beard he shaved close every day, reminded me of +the wax-work that had travelled into our neighbourhood some half-a-year +before. This, his regular eyebrows, and the rich white, and black, and +brown, of his complexion--confound his complexion, and his memory!--made +me think him, in spite of my misgivings, a very handsome man. I have no +doubt that my poor dear mother thought him so too. + +We went to an hotel by the sea, where two gentlemen were smoking cigars +in a room by themselves. Each of them was lying on at least four chairs, +and had a large rough jacket on. In a corner was a heap of coats and +boat-cloaks, and a flag, all bundled up together. + +They both rolled on to their feet in an untidy sort of manner, when we +came in, and said, 'Halloa, Murdstone! We thought you were dead!' + +'Not yet,' said Mr. Murdstone. + +'And who's this shaver?' said one of the gentlemen, taking hold of me. + +'That's Davy,' returned Mr. Murdstone. + +'Davy who?' said the gentleman. 'Jones?' + +'Copperfield,' said Mr. Murdstone. + +'What! Bewitching Mrs. Copperfield's encumbrance?' cried the gentleman. +'The pretty little widow?' + +'Quinion,' said Mr. Murdstone, 'take care, if you please. Somebody's +sharp.' + +'Who is?' asked the gentleman, laughing. I looked up, quickly; being +curious to know. + +'Only Brooks of Sheffield,' said Mr. Murdstone. + +I was quite relieved to find that it was only Brooks of Sheffield; for, +at first, I really thought it was I. + +There seemed to be something very comical in the reputation of Mr. +Brooks of Sheffield, for both the gentlemen laughed heartily when he +was mentioned, and Mr. Murdstone was a good deal amused also. After some +laughing, the gentleman whom he had called Quinion, said: + +'And what is the opinion of Brooks of Sheffield, in reference to the +projected business?' + +'Why, I don't know that Brooks understands much about it at present,' +replied Mr. Murdstone; 'but he is not generally favourable, I believe.' + +There was more laughter at this, and Mr. Quinion said he would ring the +bell for some sherry in which to drink to Brooks. This he did; and when +the wine came, he made me have a little, with a biscuit, and, before +I drank it, stand up and say, 'Confusion to Brooks of Sheffield!' The +toast was received with great applause, and such hearty laughter that +it made me laugh too; at which they laughed the more. In short, we quite +enjoyed ourselves. + +We walked about on the cliff after that, and sat on the grass, and +looked at things through a telescope--I could make out nothing myself +when it was put to my eye, but I pretended I could--and then we came +back to the hotel to an early dinner. All the time we were out, the two +gentlemen smoked incessantly--which, I thought, if I might judge from +the smell of their rough coats, they must have been doing, ever since +the coats had first come home from the tailor's. I must not forget that +we went on board the yacht, where they all three descended into the +cabin, and were busy with some papers. I saw them quite hard at work, +when I looked down through the open skylight. They left me, during this +time, with a very nice man with a very large head of red hair and a very +small shiny hat upon it, who had got a cross-barred shirt or waistcoat +on, with 'Skylark' in capital letters across the chest. I thought it was +his name; and that as he lived on board ship and hadn't a street door +to put his name on, he put it there instead; but when I called him Mr. +Skylark, he said it meant the vessel. + +I observed all day that Mr. Murdstone was graver and steadier than the +two gentlemen. They were very gay and careless. They joked freely with +one another, but seldom with him. It appeared to me that he was +more clever and cold than they were, and that they regarded him with +something of my own feeling. I remarked that, once or twice when Mr. +Quinion was talking, he looked at Mr. Murdstone sideways, as if to make +sure of his not being displeased; and that once when Mr. Passnidge (the +other gentleman) was in high spirits, he trod upon his foot, and gave +him a secret caution with his eyes, to observe Mr. Murdstone, who was +sitting stern and silent. Nor do I recollect that Mr. Murdstone laughed +at all that day, except at the Sheffield joke--and that, by the by, was +his own. + +We went home early in the evening. It was a very fine evening, and my +mother and he had another stroll by the sweetbriar, while I was sent in +to get my tea. When he was gone, my mother asked me all about the day I +had had, and what they had said and done. I mentioned what they had said +about her, and she laughed, and told me they were impudent fellows who +talked nonsense--but I knew it pleased her. I knew it quite as well as +I know it now. I took the opportunity of asking if she was at all +acquainted with Mr. Brooks of Sheffield, but she answered No, only she +supposed he must be a manufacturer in the knife and fork way. + +Can I say of her face--altered as I have reason to remember it, perished +as I know it is--that it is gone, when here it comes before me at this +instant, as distinct as any face that I may choose to look on in a +crowded street? Can I say of her innocent and girlish beauty, that it +faded, and was no more, when its breath falls on my cheek now, as it +fell that night? Can I say she ever changed, when my remembrance brings +her back to life, thus only; and, truer to its loving youth than I have +been, or man ever is, still holds fast what it cherished then? + +I write of her just as she was when I had gone to bed after this talk, +and she came to bid me good night. She kneeled down playfully by the +side of the bed, and laying her chin upon her hands, and laughing, said: + +'What was it they said, Davy? Tell me again. I can't believe it.' + +'"Bewitching--"' I began. + +My mother put her hands upon my lips to stop me. + +'It was never bewitching,' she said, laughing. 'It never could have been +bewitching, Davy. Now I know it wasn't!' + +'Yes, it was. "Bewitching Mrs. Copperfield",' I repeated stoutly. 'And, +"pretty."' + +'No, no, it was never pretty. Not pretty,' interposed my mother, laying +her fingers on my lips again. + +'Yes it was. "Pretty little widow."' + +'What foolish, impudent creatures!' cried my mother, laughing and +covering her face. 'What ridiculous men! An't they? Davy dear--' + +'Well, Ma.' + +'Don't tell Peggotty; she might be angry with them. I am dreadfully +angry with them myself; but I would rather Peggotty didn't know.' + +I promised, of course; and we kissed one another over and over again, +and I soon fell fast asleep. + +It seems to me, at this distance of time, as if it were the next day +when Peggotty broached the striking and adventurous proposition I am +about to mention; but it was probably about two months afterwards. + +We were sitting as before, one evening (when my mother was out as +before), in company with the stocking and the yard-measure, and the bit +of wax, and the box with St. Paul's on the lid, and the crocodile book, +when Peggotty, after looking at me several times, and opening her mouth +as if she were going to speak, without doing it--which I thought was +merely gaping, or I should have been rather alarmed--said coaxingly: + +'Master Davy, how should you like to go along with me and spend a +fortnight at my brother's at Yarmouth? Wouldn't that be a treat?' + +'Is your brother an agreeable man, Peggotty?' I inquired, provisionally. + +'Oh, what an agreeable man he is!' cried Peggotty, holding up her hands. +'Then there's the sea; and the boats and ships; and the fishermen; and +the beach; and Am to play with--' + +Peggotty meant her nephew Ham, mentioned in my first chapter; but she +spoke of him as a morsel of English Grammar. + +I was flushed by her summary of delights, and replied that it would +indeed be a treat, but what would my mother say? + +'Why then I'll as good as bet a guinea,' said Peggotty, intent upon my +face, 'that she'll let us go. I'll ask her, if you like, as soon as ever +she comes home. There now!' + +'But what's she to do while we're away?' said I, putting my small elbows +on the table to argue the point. 'She can't live by herself.' + +If Peggotty were looking for a hole, all of a sudden, in the heel of +that stocking, it must have been a very little one indeed, and not worth +darning. + +'I say! Peggotty! She can't live by herself, you know.' + +'Oh, bless you!' said Peggotty, looking at me again at last. 'Don't +you know? She's going to stay for a fortnight with Mrs. Grayper. Mrs. +Grayper's going to have a lot of company.' + +Oh! If that was it, I was quite ready to go. I waited, in the utmost +impatience, until my mother came home from Mrs. Grayper's (for it was +that identical neighbour), to ascertain if we could get leave to carry +out this great idea. Without being nearly so much surprised as I had +expected, my mother entered into it readily; and it was all arranged +that night, and my board and lodging during the visit were to be paid +for. + +The day soon came for our going. It was such an early day that it came +soon, even to me, who was in a fever of expectation, and half afraid +that an earthquake or a fiery mountain, or some other great convulsion +of nature, might interpose to stop the expedition. We were to go in a +carrier's cart, which departed in the morning after breakfast. I would +have given any money to have been allowed to wrap myself up over-night, +and sleep in my hat and boots. + +It touches me nearly now, although I tell it lightly, to recollect how +eager I was to leave my happy home; to think how little I suspected what +I did leave for ever. + +I am glad to recollect that when the carrier's cart was at the gate, and +my mother stood there kissing me, a grateful fondness for her and for +the old place I had never turned my back upon before, made me cry. I am +glad to know that my mother cried too, and that I felt her heart beat +against mine. + +I am glad to recollect that when the carrier began to move, my mother +ran out at the gate, and called to him to stop, that she might kiss me +once more. I am glad to dwell upon the earnestness and love with which +she lifted up her face to mine, and did so. + +As we left her standing in the road, Mr. Murdstone came up to where +she was, and seemed to expostulate with her for being so moved. I was +looking back round the awning of the cart, and wondered what business +it was of his. Peggotty, who was also looking back on the other side, +seemed anything but satisfied; as the face she brought back in the cart +denoted. + +I sat looking at Peggotty for some time, in a reverie on this +supposititious case: whether, if she were employed to lose me like the +boy in the fairy tale, I should be able to track my way home again by +the buttons she would shed. + + + +CHAPTER 3. I HAVE A CHANGE + + +The carrier's horse was the laziest horse in the world, I should hope, +and shuffled along, with his head down, as if he liked to keep people +waiting to whom the packages were directed. I fancied, indeed, that he +sometimes chuckled audibly over this reflection, but the carrier said +he was only troubled with a cough. The carrier had a way of keeping his +head down, like his horse, and of drooping sleepily forward as he drove, +with one of his arms on each of his knees. I say 'drove', but it struck +me that the cart would have gone to Yarmouth quite as well without him, +for the horse did all that; and as to conversation, he had no idea of it +but whistling. + +Peggotty had a basket of refreshments on her knee, which would have +lasted us out handsomely, if we had been going to London by the same +conveyance. We ate a good deal, and slept a good deal. Peggotty always +went to sleep with her chin upon the handle of the basket, her hold of +which never relaxed; and I could not have believed unless I had heard +her do it, that one defenceless woman could have snored so much. + +We made so many deviations up and down lanes, and were such a long time +delivering a bedstead at a public-house, and calling at other places, +that I was quite tired, and very glad, when we saw Yarmouth. It looked +rather spongy and soppy, I thought, as I carried my eye over the great +dull waste that lay across the river; and I could not help wondering, if +the world were really as round as my geography book said, how any +part of it came to be so flat. But I reflected that Yarmouth might be +situated at one of the poles; which would account for it. + +As we drew a little nearer, and saw the whole adjacent prospect lying a +straight low line under the sky, I hinted to Peggotty that a mound or so +might have improved it; and also that if the land had been a little more +separated from the sea, and the town and the tide had not been quite +so much mixed up, like toast and water, it would have been nicer. But +Peggotty said, with greater emphasis than usual, that we must take +things as we found them, and that, for her part, she was proud to call +herself a Yarmouth Bloater. + +When we got into the street (which was strange enough to me) and smelt +the fish, and pitch, and oakum, and tar, and saw the sailors walking +about, and the carts jingling up and down over the stones, I felt that I +had done so busy a place an injustice; and said as much to Peggotty, who +heard my expressions of delight with great complacency, and told me it +was well known (I suppose to those who had the good fortune to be born +Bloaters) that Yarmouth was, upon the whole, the finest place in the +universe. + +'Here's my Am!' screamed Peggotty, 'growed out of knowledge!' + +He was waiting for us, in fact, at the public-house; and asked me how I +found myself, like an old acquaintance. I did not feel, at first, that +I knew him as well as he knew me, because he had never come to our house +since the night I was born, and naturally he had the advantage of me. +But our intimacy was much advanced by his taking me on his back to carry +me home. He was, now, a huge, strong fellow of six feet high, broad in +proportion, and round-shouldered; but with a simpering boy's face and +curly light hair that gave him quite a sheepish look. He was dressed in +a canvas jacket, and a pair of such very stiff trousers that they +would have stood quite as well alone, without any legs in them. And you +couldn't so properly have said he wore a hat, as that he was covered in +a-top, like an old building, with something pitchy. + +Ham carrying me on his back and a small box of ours under his arm, +and Peggotty carrying another small box of ours, we turned down lanes +bestrewn with bits of chips and little hillocks of sand, and went +past gas-works, rope-walks, boat-builders' yards, shipwrights' yards, +ship-breakers' yards, caulkers' yards, riggers' lofts, smiths' forges, +and a great litter of such places, until we came out upon the dull waste +I had already seen at a distance; when Ham said, + +'Yon's our house, Mas'r Davy!' + +I looked in all directions, as far as I could stare over the wilderness, +and away at the sea, and away at the river, but no house could I make +out. There was a black barge, or some other kind of superannuated boat, +not far off, high and dry on the ground, with an iron funnel sticking +out of it for a chimney and smoking very cosily; but nothing else in the +way of a habitation that was visible to me. + +'That's not it?' said I. 'That ship-looking thing?' + +'That's it, Mas'r Davy,' returned Ham. + +If it had been Aladdin's palace, roc's egg and all, I suppose I could +not have been more charmed with the romantic idea of living in it. There +was a delightful door cut in the side, and it was roofed in, and there +were little windows in it; but the wonderful charm of it was, that +it was a real boat which had no doubt been upon the water hundreds of +times, and which had never been intended to be lived in, on dry land. +That was the captivation of it to me. If it had ever been meant to be +lived in, I might have thought it small, or inconvenient, or lonely; but +never having been designed for any such use, it became a perfect abode. + +It was beautifully clean inside, and as tidy as possible. There was a +table, and a Dutch clock, and a chest of drawers, and on the chest of +drawers there was a tea-tray with a painting on it of a lady with a +parasol, taking a walk with a military-looking child who was trundling a +hoop. The tray was kept from tumbling down, by a bible; and the tray, if +it had tumbled down, would have smashed a quantity of cups and saucers +and a teapot that were grouped around the book. On the walls there were +some common coloured pictures, framed and glazed, of scripture subjects; +such as I have never seen since in the hands of pedlars, without seeing +the whole interior of Peggotty's brother's house again, at one view. +Abraham in red going to sacrifice Isaac in blue, and Daniel in yellow +cast into a den of green lions, were the most prominent of these. Over +the little mantelshelf, was a picture of the 'Sarah Jane' lugger, built +at Sunderland, with a real little wooden stern stuck on to it; a work of +art, combining composition with carpentry, which I considered to be one +of the most enviable possessions that the world could afford. There +were some hooks in the beams of the ceiling, the use of which I did not +divine then; and some lockers and boxes and conveniences of that sort, +which served for seats and eked out the chairs. + +All this I saw in the first glance after I crossed the +threshold--child-like, according to my theory--and then Peggotty opened +a little door and showed me my bedroom. It was the completest and most +desirable bedroom ever seen--in the stern of the vessel; with a little +window, where the rudder used to go through; a little looking-glass, +just the right height for me, nailed against the wall, and framed with +oyster-shells; a little bed, which there was just room enough to get +into; and a nosegay of seaweed in a blue mug on the table. The walls +were whitewashed as white as milk, and the patchwork counterpane made my +eyes quite ache with its brightness. One thing I particularly noticed +in this delightful house, was the smell of fish; which was so searching, +that when I took out my pocket-handkerchief to wipe my nose, I found it +smelt exactly as if it had wrapped up a lobster. On my imparting this +discovery in confidence to Peggotty, she informed me that her brother +dealt in lobsters, crabs, and crawfish; and I afterwards found that a +heap of these creatures, in a state of wonderful conglomeration with one +another, and never leaving off pinching whatever they laid hold of, +were usually to be found in a little wooden outhouse where the pots and +kettles were kept. + +We were welcomed by a very civil woman in a white apron, whom I had seen +curtseying at the door when I was on Ham's back, about a quarter of a +mile off. Likewise by a most beautiful little girl (or I thought her so) +with a necklace of blue beads on, who wouldn't let me kiss her when I +offered to, but ran away and hid herself. By and by, when we had dined +in a sumptuous manner off boiled dabs, melted butter, and potatoes, with +a chop for me, a hairy man with a very good-natured face came home. As +he called Peggotty 'Lass', and gave her a hearty smack on the cheek, I +had no doubt, from the general propriety of her conduct, that he was her +brother; and so he turned out--being presently introduced to me as Mr. +Peggotty, the master of the house. + +'Glad to see you, sir,' said Mr. Peggotty. 'You'll find us rough, sir, +but you'll find us ready.' + +I thanked him, and replied that I was sure I should be happy in such a +delightful place. + +'How's your Ma, sir?' said Mr. Peggotty. 'Did you leave her pretty +jolly?' + +I gave Mr. Peggotty to understand that she was as jolly as I could wish, +and that she desired her compliments--which was a polite fiction on my +part. + +'I'm much obleeged to her, I'm sure,' said Mr. Peggotty. 'Well, sir, +if you can make out here, fur a fortnut, 'long wi' her,' nodding at his +sister, 'and Ham, and little Em'ly, we shall be proud of your company.' + +Having done the honours of his house in this hospitable manner, Mr. +Peggotty went out to wash himself in a kettleful of hot water, remarking +that 'cold would never get his muck off'. He soon returned, greatly +improved in appearance; but so rubicund, that I couldn't help +thinking his face had this in common with the lobsters, crabs, and +crawfish,--that it went into the hot water very black, and came out very +red. + +After tea, when the door was shut and all was made snug (the nights +being cold and misty now), it seemed to me the most delicious retreat +that the imagination of man could conceive. To hear the wind getting +up out at sea, to know that the fog was creeping over the desolate flat +outside, and to look at the fire, and think that there was no house near +but this one, and this one a boat, was like enchantment. Little Em'ly +had overcome her shyness, and was sitting by my side upon the lowest and +least of the lockers, which was just large enough for us two, and just +fitted into the chimney corner. Mrs. Peggotty with the white apron, was +knitting on the opposite side of the fire. Peggotty at her needlework +was as much at home with St. Paul's and the bit of wax-candle, as if +they had never known any other roof. Ham, who had been giving me my +first lesson in all-fours, was trying to recollect a scheme of telling +fortunes with the dirty cards, and was printing off fishy impressions of +his thumb on all the cards he turned. Mr. Peggotty was smoking his pipe. +I felt it was a time for conversation and confidence. + +'Mr. Peggotty!' says I. + +'Sir,' says he. + +'Did you give your son the name of Ham, because you lived in a sort of +ark?' + +Mr. Peggotty seemed to think it a deep idea, but answered: + +'No, sir. I never giv him no name.' + +'Who gave him that name, then?' said I, putting question number two of +the catechism to Mr. Peggotty. + +'Why, sir, his father giv it him,' said Mr. Peggotty. + +'I thought you were his father!' + +'My brother Joe was his father,' said Mr. Peggotty. + +'Dead, Mr. Peggotty?' I hinted, after a respectful pause. + +'Drowndead,' said Mr. Peggotty. + +I was very much surprised that Mr. Peggotty was not Ham's father, and +began to wonder whether I was mistaken about his relationship to anybody +else there. I was so curious to know, that I made up my mind to have it +out with Mr. Peggotty. + +'Little Em'ly,' I said, glancing at her. 'She is your daughter, isn't +she, Mr. Peggotty?' + +'No, sir. My brother-in-law, Tom, was her father.' + +I couldn't help it. '--Dead, Mr. Peggotty?' I hinted, after another +respectful silence. + +'Drowndead,' said Mr. Peggotty. + +I felt the difficulty of resuming the subject, but had not got to the +bottom of it yet, and must get to the bottom somehow. So I said: + +'Haven't you ANY children, Mr. Peggotty?' + +'No, master,' he answered with a short laugh. 'I'm a bacheldore.' + +'A bachelor!' I said, astonished. 'Why, who's that, Mr. Peggotty?' +pointing to the person in the apron who was knitting. + +'That's Missis Gummidge,' said Mr. Peggotty. + +'Gummidge, Mr. Peggotty?' + +But at this point Peggotty--I mean my own peculiar Peggotty--made such +impressive motions to me not to ask any more questions, that I could +only sit and look at all the silent company, until it was time to go to +bed. Then, in the privacy of my own little cabin, she informed me that +Ham and Em'ly were an orphan nephew and niece, whom my host had +at different times adopted in their childhood, when they were left +destitute: and that Mrs. Gummidge was the widow of his partner in +a boat, who had died very poor. He was but a poor man himself, said +Peggotty, but as good as gold and as true as steel--those were her +similes. The only subject, she informed me, on which he ever showed a +violent temper or swore an oath, was this generosity of his; and if it +were ever referred to, by any one of them, he struck the table a heavy +blow with his right hand (had split it on one such occasion), and swore +a dreadful oath that he would be 'Gormed' if he didn't cut and run +for good, if it was ever mentioned again. It appeared, in answer to +my inquiries, that nobody had the least idea of the etymology of this +terrible verb passive to be gormed; but that they all regarded it as +constituting a most solemn imprecation. + +I was very sensible of my entertainer's goodness, and listened to the +women's going to bed in another little crib like mine at the opposite +end of the boat, and to him and Ham hanging up two hammocks for +themselves on the hooks I had noticed in the roof, in a very luxurious +state of mind, enhanced by my being sleepy. As slumber gradually stole +upon me, I heard the wind howling out at sea and coming on across the +flat so fiercely, that I had a lazy apprehension of the great deep +rising in the night. But I bethought myself that I was in a boat, after +all; and that a man like Mr. Peggotty was not a bad person to have on +board if anything did happen. + +Nothing happened, however, worse than morning. Almost as soon as it +shone upon the oyster-shell frame of my mirror I was out of bed, and out +with little Em'ly, picking up stones upon the beach. + +'You're quite a sailor, I suppose?' I said to Em'ly. I don't know that I +supposed anything of the kind, but I felt it an act of gallantry to +say something; and a shining sail close to us made such a pretty little +image of itself, at the moment, in her bright eye, that it came into my +head to say this. + +'No,' replied Em'ly, shaking her head, 'I'm afraid of the sea.' + +'Afraid!' I said, with a becoming air of boldness, and looking very big +at the mighty ocean. 'I an't!' + +'Ah! but it's cruel,' said Em'ly. 'I have seen it very cruel to some of +our men. I have seen it tear a boat as big as our house, all to pieces.' + +'I hope it wasn't the boat that--' + +'That father was drownded in?' said Em'ly. 'No. Not that one, I never +see that boat.' + +'Nor him?' I asked her. + +Little Em'ly shook her head. 'Not to remember!' + +Here was a coincidence! I immediately went into an explanation how I had +never seen my own father; and how my mother and I had always lived +by ourselves in the happiest state imaginable, and lived so then, and +always meant to live so; and how my father's grave was in the churchyard +near our house, and shaded by a tree, beneath the boughs of which I had +walked and heard the birds sing many a pleasant morning. But there were +some differences between Em'ly's orphanhood and mine, it appeared. She +had lost her mother before her father; and where her father's grave was +no one knew, except that it was somewhere in the depths of the sea. + +'Besides,' said Em'ly, as she looked about for shells and pebbles, 'your +father was a gentleman and your mother is a lady; and my father was a +fisherman and my mother was a fisherman's daughter, and my uncle Dan is +a fisherman.' + +'Dan is Mr. Peggotty, is he?' said I. + +'Uncle Dan--yonder,' answered Em'ly, nodding at the boat-house. + +'Yes. I mean him. He must be very good, I should think?' + +'Good?' said Em'ly. 'If I was ever to be a lady, I'd give him a sky-blue +coat with diamond buttons, nankeen trousers, a red velvet waistcoat, a +cocked hat, a large gold watch, a silver pipe, and a box of money.' + +I said I had no doubt that Mr. Peggotty well deserved these treasures. +I must acknowledge that I felt it difficult to picture him quite at his +ease in the raiment proposed for him by his grateful little niece, and +that I was particularly doubtful of the policy of the cocked hat; but I +kept these sentiments to myself. + +Little Em'ly had stopped and looked up at the sky in her enumeration +of these articles, as if they were a glorious vision. We went on again, +picking up shells and pebbles. + +'You would like to be a lady?' I said. + +Emily looked at me, and laughed and nodded 'yes'. + +'I should like it very much. We would all be gentlefolks together, then. +Me, and uncle, and Ham, and Mrs. Gummidge. We wouldn't mind then, when +there comes stormy weather.---Not for our own sakes, I mean. We would +for the poor fishermen's, to be sure, and we'd help 'em with money when +they come to any hurt.' This seemed to me to be a very satisfactory and +therefore not at all improbable picture. I expressed my pleasure in the +contemplation of it, and little Em'ly was emboldened to say, shyly, + +'Don't you think you are afraid of the sea, now?' + +It was quiet enough to reassure me, but I have no doubt if I had seen a +moderately large wave come tumbling in, I should have taken to my heels, +with an awful recollection of her drowned relations. However, I said +'No,' and I added, 'You don't seem to be either, though you say you +are,'--for she was walking much too near the brink of a sort of old +jetty or wooden causeway we had strolled upon, and I was afraid of her +falling over. + +'I'm not afraid in this way,' said little Em'ly. 'But I wake when it +blows, and tremble to think of Uncle Dan and Ham and believe I hear 'em +crying out for help. That's why I should like so much to be a lady. But +I'm not afraid in this way. Not a bit. Look here!' + +She started from my side, and ran along a jagged timber which protruded +from the place we stood upon, and overhung the deep water at some +height, without the least defence. The incident is so impressed on my +remembrance, that if I were a draughtsman I could draw its form here, +I dare say, accurately as it was that day, and little Em'ly springing +forward to her destruction (as it appeared to me), with a look that I +have never forgotten, directed far out to sea. + +The light, bold, fluttering little figure turned and came back safe +to me, and I soon laughed at my fears, and at the cry I had uttered; +fruitlessly in any case, for there was no one near. But there have been +times since, in my manhood, many times there have been, when I have +thought, Is it possible, among the possibilities of hidden things, that +in the sudden rashness of the child and her wild look so far off, there +was any merciful attraction of her into danger, any tempting her towards +him permitted on the part of her dead father, that her life might have +a chance of ending that day? There has been a time since when I have +wondered whether, if the life before her could have been revealed to me +at a glance, and so revealed as that a child could fully comprehend it, +and if her preservation could have depended on a motion of my hand, I +ought to have held it up to save her. There has been a time since--I do +not say it lasted long, but it has been--when I have asked myself the +question, would it have been better for little Em'ly to have had the +waters close above her head that morning in my sight; and when I have +answered Yes, it would have been. + +This may be premature. I have set it down too soon, perhaps. But let it +stand. + +We strolled a long way, and loaded ourselves with things that we thought +curious, and put some stranded starfish carefully back into the water--I +hardly know enough of the race at this moment to be quite certain +whether they had reason to feel obliged to us for doing so, or the +reverse--and then made our way home to Mr. Peggotty's dwelling. We +stopped under the lee of the lobster-outhouse to exchange an innocent +kiss, and went in to breakfast glowing with health and pleasure. + +'Like two young mavishes,' Mr. Peggotty said. I knew this meant, in our +local dialect, like two young thrushes, and received it as a compliment. + +Of course I was in love with little Em'ly. I am sure I loved that +baby quite as truly, quite as tenderly, with greater purity and more +disinterestedness, than can enter into the best love of a later time +of life, high and ennobling as it is. I am sure my fancy raised up +something round that blue-eyed mite of a child, which etherealized, +and made a very angel of her. If, any sunny forenoon, she had spread +a little pair of wings and flown away before my eyes, I don't think I +should have regarded it as much more than I had had reason to expect. + +We used to walk about that dim old flat at Yarmouth in a loving manner, +hours and hours. The days sported by us, as if Time had not grown up +himself yet, but were a child too, and always at play. I told Em'ly +I adored her, and that unless she confessed she adored me I should be +reduced to the necessity of killing myself with a sword. She said she +did, and I have no doubt she did. + +As to any sense of inequality, or youthfulness, or other difficulty +in our way, little Em'ly and I had no such trouble, because we had no +future. We made no more provision for growing older, than we did for +growing younger. We were the admiration of Mrs. Gummidge and Peggotty, +who used to whisper of an evening when we sat, lovingly, on our little +locker side by side, 'Lor! wasn't it beautiful!' Mr. Peggotty smiled at +us from behind his pipe, and Ham grinned all the evening and did nothing +else. They had something of the sort of pleasure in us, I suppose, that +they might have had in a pretty toy, or a pocket model of the Colosseum. + +I soon found out that Mrs. Gummidge did not always make herself so +agreeable as she might have been expected to do, under the circumstances +of her residence with Mr. Peggotty. Mrs. Gummidge's was rather a fretful +disposition, and she whimpered more sometimes than was comfortable for +other parties in so small an establishment. I was very sorry for +her; but there were moments when it would have been more agreeable, I +thought, if Mrs. Gummidge had had a convenient apartment of her own to +retire to, and had stopped there until her spirits revived. + +Mr. Peggotty went occasionally to a public-house called The Willing +Mind. I discovered this, by his being out on the second or third evening +of our visit, and by Mrs. Gummidge's looking up at the Dutch clock, +between eight and nine, and saying he was there, and that, what was +more, she had known in the morning he would go there. + +Mrs. Gummidge had been in a low state all day, and had burst into tears +in the forenoon, when the fire smoked. 'I am a lone lorn creetur',' were +Mrs. Gummidge's words, when that unpleasant occurrence took place, 'and +everythink goes contrary with me.' + +'Oh, it'll soon leave off,' said Peggotty--I again mean our +Peggotty--'and besides, you know, it's not more disagreeable to you than +to us.' + +'I feel it more,' said Mrs. Gummidge. + +It was a very cold day, with cutting blasts of wind. Mrs. Gummidge's +peculiar corner of the fireside seemed to me to be the warmest and +snuggest in the place, as her chair was certainly the easiest, but it +didn't suit her that day at all. She was constantly complaining of the +cold, and of its occasioning a visitation in her back which she called +'the creeps'. At last she shed tears on that subject, and said again +that she was 'a lone lorn creetur' and everythink went contrary with +her'. + +'It is certainly very cold,' said Peggotty. 'Everybody must feel it so.' + +'I feel it more than other people,' said Mrs. Gummidge. + +So at dinner; when Mrs. Gummidge was always helped immediately after me, +to whom the preference was given as a visitor of distinction. The +fish were small and bony, and the potatoes were a little burnt. We all +acknowledged that we felt this something of a disappointment; but Mrs. +Gummidge said she felt it more than we did, and shed tears again, and +made that former declaration with great bitterness. + +Accordingly, when Mr. Peggotty came home about nine o'clock, this +unfortunate Mrs. Gummidge was knitting in her corner, in a very wretched +and miserable condition. Peggotty had been working cheerfully. Ham had +been patching up a great pair of waterboots; and I, with little Em'ly +by my side, had been reading to them. Mrs. Gummidge had never made any +other remark than a forlorn sigh, and had never raised her eyes since +tea. + +'Well, Mates,' said Mr. Peggotty, taking his seat, 'and how are you?' + +We all said something, or looked something, to welcome him, except Mrs. +Gummidge, who only shook her head over her knitting. + +'What's amiss?' said Mr. Peggotty, with a clap of his hands. 'Cheer up, +old Mawther!' (Mr. Peggotty meant old girl.) + +Mrs. Gummidge did not appear to be able to cheer up. She took out an old +black silk handkerchief and wiped her eyes; but instead of putting it +in her pocket, kept it out, and wiped them again, and still kept it out, +ready for use. + +'What's amiss, dame?' said Mr. Peggotty. + +'Nothing,' returned Mrs. Gummidge. 'You've come from The Willing Mind, +Dan'l?' + +'Why yes, I've took a short spell at The Willing Mind tonight,' said Mr. +Peggotty. + +'I'm sorry I should drive you there,' said Mrs. Gummidge. + +'Drive! I don't want no driving,' returned Mr. Peggotty with an honest +laugh. 'I only go too ready.' + +'Very ready,' said Mrs. Gummidge, shaking her head, and wiping her eyes. +'Yes, yes, very ready. I am sorry it should be along of me that you're +so ready.' + +'Along o' you! It an't along o' you!' said Mr. Peggotty. 'Don't ye +believe a bit on it.' + +'Yes, yes, it is,' cried Mrs. Gummidge. 'I know what I am. I know that I +am a lone lorn creetur', and not only that everythink goes contrary with +me, but that I go contrary with everybody. Yes, yes. I feel more than +other people do, and I show it more. It's my misfortun'.' + +I really couldn't help thinking, as I sat taking in all this, that the +misfortune extended to some other members of that family besides Mrs. +Gummidge. But Mr. Peggotty made no such retort, only answering with +another entreaty to Mrs. Gummidge to cheer up. + +'I an't what I could wish myself to be,' said Mrs. Gummidge. 'I am far +from it. I know what I am. My troubles has made me contrary. I feel my +troubles, and they make me contrary. I wish I didn't feel 'em, but I +do. I wish I could be hardened to 'em, but I an't. I make the house +uncomfortable. I don't wonder at it. I've made your sister so all day, +and Master Davy.' + +Here I was suddenly melted, and roared out, 'No, you haven't, Mrs. +Gummidge,' in great mental distress. + +'It's far from right that I should do it,' said Mrs. Gummidge. 'It an't +a fit return. I had better go into the house and die. I am a lone lorn +creetur', and had much better not make myself contrary here. If thinks +must go contrary with me, and I must go contrary myself, let me go +contrary in my parish. Dan'l, I'd better go into the house, and die and +be a riddance!' + +Mrs. Gummidge retired with these words, and betook herself to bed. When +she was gone, Mr. Peggotty, who had not exhibited a trace of any feeling +but the profoundest sympathy, looked round upon us, and nodding his head +with a lively expression of that sentiment still animating his face, +said in a whisper: + +'She's been thinking of the old 'un!' + +I did not quite understand what old one Mrs. Gummidge was supposed to +have fixed her mind upon, until Peggotty, on seeing me to bed, explained +that it was the late Mr. Gummidge; and that her brother always took that +for a received truth on such occasions, and that it always had a moving +effect upon him. Some time after he was in his hammock that night, I +heard him myself repeat to Ham, 'Poor thing! She's been thinking of the +old 'un!' And whenever Mrs. Gummidge was overcome in a similar manner +during the remainder of our stay (which happened some few times), he +always said the same thing in extenuation of the circumstance, and +always with the tenderest commiseration. + +So the fortnight slipped away, varied by nothing but the variation of +the tide, which altered Mr. Peggotty's times of going out and coming in, +and altered Ham's engagements also. When the latter was unemployed, he +sometimes walked with us to show us the boats and ships, and once +or twice he took us for a row. I don't know why one slight set of +impressions should be more particularly associated with a place than +another, though I believe this obtains with most people, in reference +especially to the associations of their childhood. I never hear the +name, or read the name, of Yarmouth, but I am reminded of a certain +Sunday morning on the beach, the bells ringing for church, little Em'ly +leaning on my shoulder, Ham lazily dropping stones into the water, and +the sun, away at sea, just breaking through the heavy mist, and showing +us the ships, like their own shadows. + +At last the day came for going home. I bore up against the separation +from Mr. Peggotty and Mrs. Gummidge, but my agony of mind at leaving +little Em'ly was piercing. We went arm-in-arm to the public-house where +the carrier put up, and I promised, on the road, to write to her. (I +redeemed that promise afterwards, in characters larger than those in +which apartments are usually announced in manuscript, as being to let.) +We were greatly overcome at parting; and if ever, in my life, I have had +a void made in my heart, I had one made that day. + +Now, all the time I had been on my visit, I had been ungrateful to my +home again, and had thought little or nothing about it. But I was no +sooner turned towards it, than my reproachful young conscience seemed +to point that way with a ready finger; and I felt, all the more for the +sinking of my spirits, that it was my nest, and that my mother was my +comforter and friend. + +This gained upon me as we went along; so that the nearer we drew, the +more familiar the objects became that we passed, the more excited I was +to get there, and to run into her arms. But Peggotty, instead of sharing +in those transports, tried to check them (though very kindly), and +looked confused and out of sorts. + +Blunderstone Rookery would come, however, in spite of her, when the +carrier's horse pleased--and did. How well I recollect it, on a cold +grey afternoon, with a dull sky, threatening rain! + +The door opened, and I looked, half laughing and half crying in my +pleasant agitation, for my mother. It was not she, but a strange +servant. + +'Why, Peggotty!' I said, ruefully, 'isn't she come home?' + +'Yes, yes, Master Davy,' said Peggotty. 'She's come home. Wait a bit, +Master Davy, and I'll--I'll tell you something.' + +Between her agitation, and her natural awkwardness in getting out of the +cart, Peggotty was making a most extraordinary festoon of herself, but +I felt too blank and strange to tell her so. When she had got down, she +took me by the hand; led me, wondering, into the kitchen; and shut the +door. + +'Peggotty!' said I, quite frightened. 'What's the matter?' + +'Nothing's the matter, bless you, Master Davy dear!' she answered, +assuming an air of sprightliness. + +'Something's the matter, I'm sure. Where's mama?' + +'Where's mama, Master Davy?' repeated Peggotty. + +'Yes. Why hasn't she come out to the gate, and what have we come in here +for? Oh, Peggotty!' My eyes were full, and I felt as if I were going to +tumble down. + +'Bless the precious boy!' cried Peggotty, taking hold of me. 'What is +it? Speak, my pet!' + +'Not dead, too! Oh, she's not dead, Peggotty?' + +Peggotty cried out No! with an astonishing volume of voice; and then sat +down, and began to pant, and said I had given her a turn. + +I gave her a hug to take away the turn, or to give her another turn +in the right direction, and then stood before her, looking at her in +anxious inquiry. + +'You see, dear, I should have told you before now,' said Peggotty, +'but I hadn't an opportunity. I ought to have made it, perhaps, but +I couldn't azackly'--that was always the substitute for exactly, in +Peggotty's militia of words--'bring my mind to it.' + +'Go on, Peggotty,' said I, more frightened than before. + +'Master Davy,' said Peggotty, untying her bonnet with a shaking hand, +and speaking in a breathless sort of way. 'What do you think? You have +got a Pa!' + +I trembled, and turned white. Something--I don't know what, or +how--connected with the grave in the churchyard, and the raising of the +dead, seemed to strike me like an unwholesome wind. + +'A new one,' said Peggotty. + +'A new one?' I repeated. + +Peggotty gave a gasp, as if she were swallowing something that was very +hard, and, putting out her hand, said: + +'Come and see him.' + +'I don't want to see him.' --'And your mama,' said Peggotty. + +I ceased to draw back, and we went straight to the best parlour, where +she left me. On one side of the fire, sat my mother; on the other, Mr. +Murdstone. My mother dropped her work, and arose hurriedly, but timidly +I thought. + +'Now, Clara my dear,' said Mr. Murdstone. 'Recollect! control yourself, +always control yourself! Davy boy, how do you do?' + +I gave him my hand. After a moment of suspense, I went and kissed my +mother: she kissed me, patted me gently on the shoulder, and sat down +again to her work. I could not look at her, I could not look at him, +I knew quite well that he was looking at us both; and I turned to the +window and looked out there, at some shrubs that were drooping their +heads in the cold. + +As soon as I could creep away, I crept upstairs. My old dear bedroom was +changed, and I was to lie a long way off. I rambled downstairs to find +anything that was like itself, so altered it all seemed; and roamed into +the yard. I very soon started back from there, for the empty dog-kennel +was filled up with a great dog--deep mouthed and black-haired like +Him--and he was very angry at the sight of me, and sprang out to get at +me. + + + +CHAPTER 4. I FALL INTO DISGRACE + + +If the room to which my bed was removed were a sentient thing that could +give evidence, I might appeal to it at this day--who sleeps there now, +I wonder!--to bear witness for me what a heavy heart I carried to it. +I went up there, hearing the dog in the yard bark after me all the way +while I climbed the stairs; and, looking as blank and strange upon the +room as the room looked upon me, sat down with my small hands crossed, +and thought. + +I thought of the oddest things. Of the shape of the room, of the +cracks in the ceiling, of the paper on the walls, of the flaws in +the window-glass making ripples and dimples on the prospect, of the +washing-stand being rickety on its three legs, and having a discontented +something about it, which reminded me of Mrs. Gummidge under the +influence of the old one. I was crying all the time, but, except that I +was conscious of being cold and dejected, I am sure I never thought +why I cried. At last in my desolation I began to consider that I was +dreadfully in love with little Em'ly, and had been torn away from her to +come here where no one seemed to want me, or to care about me, half as +much as she did. This made such a very miserable piece of business of +it, that I rolled myself up in a corner of the counterpane, and cried +myself to sleep. + +I was awoke by somebody saying 'Here he is!' and uncovering my hot head. +My mother and Peggotty had come to look for me, and it was one of them +who had done it. + +'Davy,' said my mother. 'What's the matter?' + +I thought it was very strange that she should ask me, and answered, +'Nothing.' I turned over on my face, I recollect, to hide my trembling +lip, which answered her with greater truth. 'Davy,' said my mother. +'Davy, my child!' + +I dare say no words she could have uttered would have affected me +so much, then, as her calling me her child. I hid my tears in the +bedclothes, and pressed her from me with my hand, when she would have +raised me up. + +'This is your doing, Peggotty, you cruel thing!' said my mother. 'I have +no doubt at all about it. How can you reconcile it to your conscience, +I wonder, to prejudice my own boy against me, or against anybody who is +dear to me? What do you mean by it, Peggotty?' + +Poor Peggotty lifted up her hands and eyes, and only answered, in a +sort of paraphrase of the grace I usually repeated after dinner, 'Lord +forgive you, Mrs. Copperfield, and for what you have said this minute, +may you never be truly sorry!' + +'It's enough to distract me,' cried my mother. 'In my honeymoon, too, +when my most inveterate enemy might relent, one would think, and not +envy me a little peace of mind and happiness. Davy, you naughty boy! +Peggotty, you savage creature! Oh, dear me!' cried my mother, turning +from one of us to the other, in her pettish wilful manner, 'what a +troublesome world this is, when one has the most right to expect it to +be as agreeable as possible!' + +I felt the touch of a hand that I knew was neither hers nor Peggotty's, +and slipped to my feet at the bed-side. It was Mr. Murdstone's hand, and +he kept it on my arm as he said: + +'What's this? Clara, my love, have you forgotten?--Firmness, my dear!' + +'I am very sorry, Edward,' said my mother. 'I meant to be very good, but +I am so uncomfortable.' + +'Indeed!' he answered. 'That's a bad hearing, so soon, Clara.' + +'I say it's very hard I should be made so now,' returned my mother, +pouting; 'and it is--very hard--isn't it?' + +He drew her to him, whispered in her ear, and kissed her. I knew as +well, when I saw my mother's head lean down upon his shoulder, and her +arm touch his neck--I knew as well that he could mould her pliant nature +into any form he chose, as I know, now, that he did it. + +'Go you below, my love,' said Mr. Murdstone. 'David and I will come +down, together. My friend,' turning a darkening face on Peggotty, when +he had watched my mother out, and dismissed her with a nod and a smile; +'do you know your mistress's name?' + +'She has been my mistress a long time, sir,' answered Peggotty, 'I ought +to know it.' 'That's true,' he answered. 'But I thought I heard you, as +I came upstairs, address her by a name that is not hers. She has taken +mine, you know. Will you remember that?' + +Peggotty, with some uneasy glances at me, curtseyed herself out of the +room without replying; seeing, I suppose, that she was expected to go, +and had no excuse for remaining. When we two were left alone, he shut +the door, and sitting on a chair, and holding me standing before him, +looked steadily into my eyes. I felt my own attracted, no less steadily, +to his. As I recall our being opposed thus, face to face, I seem again +to hear my heart beat fast and high. + +'David,' he said, making his lips thin, by pressing them together, 'if I +have an obstinate horse or dog to deal with, what do you think I do?' + +'I don't know.' + +'I beat him.' + +I had answered in a kind of breathless whisper, but I felt, in my +silence, that my breath was shorter now. + +'I make him wince, and smart. I say to myself, "I'll conquer that +fellow"; and if it were to cost him all the blood he had, I should do +it. What is that upon your face?' + +'Dirt,' I said. + +He knew it was the mark of tears as well as I. But if he had asked the +question twenty times, each time with twenty blows, I believe my baby +heart would have burst before I would have told him so. + +'You have a good deal of intelligence for a little fellow,' he said, +with a grave smile that belonged to him, 'and you understood me very +well, I see. Wash that face, sir, and come down with me.' + +He pointed to the washing-stand, which I had made out to be like Mrs. +Gummidge, and motioned me with his head to obey him directly. I had +little doubt then, and I have less doubt now, that he would have knocked +me down without the least compunction, if I had hesitated. + +'Clara, my dear,' he said, when I had done his bidding, and he walked me +into the parlour, with his hand still on my arm; 'you will not be made +uncomfortable any more, I hope. We shall soon improve our youthful +humours.' + +God help me, I might have been improved for my whole life, I might have +been made another creature perhaps, for life, by a kind word at that +season. A word of encouragement and explanation, of pity for my childish +ignorance, of welcome home, of reassurance to me that it was home, might +have made me dutiful to him in my heart henceforth, instead of in my +hypocritical outside, and might have made me respect instead of hate +him. I thought my mother was sorry to see me standing in the room so +scared and strange, and that, presently, when I stole to a chair, she +followed me with her eyes more sorrowfully still--missing, perhaps, some +freedom in my childish tread--but the word was not spoken, and the time +for it was gone. + +We dined alone, we three together. He seemed to be very fond of my +mother--I am afraid I liked him none the better for that--and she was +very fond of him. I gathered from what they said, that an elder sister +of his was coming to stay with them, and that she was expected that +evening. I am not certain whether I found out then, or afterwards, that, +without being actively concerned in any business, he had some share in, +or some annual charge upon the profits of, a wine-merchant's house +in London, with which his family had been connected from his +great-grandfather's time, and in which his sister had a similar +interest; but I may mention it in this place, whether or no. + +After dinner, when we were sitting by the fire, and I was meditating an +escape to Peggotty without having the hardihood to slip away, lest +it should offend the master of the house, a coach drove up to the +garden-gate and he went out to receive the visitor. My mother followed +him. I was timidly following her, when she turned round at the parlour +door, in the dusk, and taking me in her embrace as she had been used to +do, whispered me to love my new father and be obedient to him. She did +this hurriedly and secretly, as if it were wrong, but tenderly; and, +putting out her hand behind her, held mine in it, until we came near +to where he was standing in the garden, where she let mine go, and drew +hers through his arm. + +It was Miss Murdstone who was arrived, and a gloomy-looking lady she +was; dark, like her brother, whom she greatly resembled in face and +voice; and with very heavy eyebrows, nearly meeting over her large nose, +as if, being disabled by the wrongs of her sex from wearing whiskers, +she had carried them to that account. She brought with her two +uncompromising hard black boxes, with her initials on the lids in hard +brass nails. When she paid the coachman she took her money out of a hard +steel purse, and she kept the purse in a very jail of a bag which hung +upon her arm by a heavy chain, and shut up like a bite. I had never, at +that time, seen such a metallic lady altogether as Miss Murdstone was. + +She was brought into the parlour with many tokens of welcome, and there +formally recognized my mother as a new and near relation. Then she +looked at me, and said: + +'Is that your boy, sister-in-law?' + +My mother acknowledged me. + +'Generally speaking,' said Miss Murdstone, 'I don't like boys. How d'ye +do, boy?' + +Under these encouraging circumstances, I replied that I was very well, +and that I hoped she was the same; with such an indifferent grace, that +Miss Murdstone disposed of me in two words: + +'Wants manner!' + +Having uttered which, with great distinctness, she begged the favour of +being shown to her room, which became to me from that time forth a place +of awe and dread, wherein the two black boxes were never seen open or +known to be left unlocked, and where (for I peeped in once or twice when +she was out) numerous little steel fetters and rivets, with which Miss +Murdstone embellished herself when she was dressed, generally hung upon +the looking-glass in formidable array. + +As well as I could make out, she had come for good, and had no intention +of ever going again. She began to 'help' my mother next morning, and was +in and out of the store-closet all day, putting things to rights, and +making havoc in the old arrangements. Almost the first remarkable thing +I observed in Miss Murdstone was, her being constantly haunted by +a suspicion that the servants had a man secreted somewhere on the +premises. Under the influence of this delusion, she dived into the +coal-cellar at the most untimely hours, and scarcely ever opened the +door of a dark cupboard without clapping it to again, in the belief that +she had got him. + +Though there was nothing very airy about Miss Murdstone, she was a +perfect Lark in point of getting up. She was up (and, as I believe +to this hour, looking for that man) before anybody in the house was +stirring. Peggotty gave it as her opinion that she even slept with one +eye open; but I could not concur in this idea; for I tried it myself +after hearing the suggestion thrown out, and found it couldn't be done. + +On the very first morning after her arrival she was up and ringing her +bell at cock-crow. When my mother came down to breakfast and was going +to make the tea, Miss Murdstone gave her a kind of peck on the cheek, +which was her nearest approach to a kiss, and said: + +'Now, Clara, my dear, I am come here, you know, to relieve you of all +the trouble I can. You're much too pretty and thoughtless'--my mother +blushed but laughed, and seemed not to dislike this character--'to have +any duties imposed upon you that can be undertaken by me. If you'll be +so good as give me your keys, my dear, I'll attend to all this sort of +thing in future.' + +From that time, Miss Murdstone kept the keys in her own little jail all +day, and under her pillow all night, and my mother had no more to do +with them than I had. + +My mother did not suffer her authority to pass from her without a shadow +of protest. One night when Miss Murdstone had been developing certain +household plans to her brother, of which he signified his approbation, +my mother suddenly began to cry, and said she thought she might have +been consulted. + +'Clara!' said Mr. Murdstone sternly. 'Clara! I wonder at you.' + +'Oh, it's very well to say you wonder, Edward!' cried my mother, 'and +it's very well for you to talk about firmness, but you wouldn't like it +yourself.' + +Firmness, I may observe, was the grand quality on which both Mr. and +Miss Murdstone took their stand. However I might have expressed +my comprehension of it at that time, if I had been called upon, I +nevertheless did clearly comprehend in my own way, that it was another +name for tyranny; and for a certain gloomy, arrogant, devil's humour, +that was in them both. The creed, as I should state it now, was this. +Mr. Murdstone was firm; nobody in his world was to be so firm as Mr. +Murdstone; nobody else in his world was to be firm at all, for everybody +was to be bent to his firmness. Miss Murdstone was an exception. +She might be firm, but only by relationship, and in an inferior and +tributary degree. My mother was another exception. She might be firm, +and must be; but only in bearing their firmness, and firmly believing +there was no other firmness upon earth. + +'It's very hard,' said my mother, 'that in my own house--' + +'My own house?' repeated Mr. Murdstone. 'Clara!' + +'OUR own house, I mean,' faltered my mother, evidently frightened--'I +hope you must know what I mean, Edward--it's very hard that in YOUR own +house I may not have a word to say about domestic matters. I am sure +I managed very well before we were married. There's evidence,' said my +mother, sobbing; 'ask Peggotty if I didn't do very well when I wasn't +interfered with!' + +'Edward,' said Miss Murdstone, 'let there be an end of this. I go +tomorrow.' + +'Jane Murdstone,' said her brother, 'be silent! How dare you to +insinuate that you don't know my character better than your words +imply?' + +'I am sure,' my poor mother went on, at a grievous disadvantage, and +with many tears, 'I don't want anybody to go. I should be very +miserable and unhappy if anybody was to go. I don't ask much. I am not +unreasonable. I only want to be consulted sometimes. I am very much +obliged to anybody who assists me, and I only want to be consulted as a +mere form, sometimes. I thought you were pleased, once, with my being a +little inexperienced and girlish, Edward--I am sure you said so--but you +seem to hate me for it now, you are so severe.' + +'Edward,' said Miss Murdstone, again, 'let there be an end of this. I go +tomorrow.' + +'Jane Murdstone,' thundered Mr. Murdstone. 'Will you be silent? How dare +you?' + +Miss Murdstone made a jail-delivery of her pocket-handkerchief, and held +it before her eyes. + +'Clara,' he continued, looking at my mother, 'you surprise me! You +astound me! Yes, I had a satisfaction in the thought of marrying +an inexperienced and artless person, and forming her character, and +infusing into it some amount of that firmness and decision of which +it stood in need. But when Jane Murdstone is kind enough to come to my +assistance in this endeavour, and to assume, for my sake, a condition +something like a housekeeper's, and when she meets with a base return--' + +'Oh, pray, pray, Edward,' cried my mother, 'don't accuse me of being +ungrateful. I am sure I am not ungrateful. No one ever said I was +before. I have many faults, but not that. Oh, don't, my dear!' + +'When Jane Murdstone meets, I say,' he went on, after waiting until my +mother was silent, 'with a base return, that feeling of mine is chilled +and altered.' + +'Don't, my love, say that!' implored my mother very piteously. +'Oh, don't, Edward! I can't bear to hear it. Whatever I am, I am +affectionate. I know I am affectionate. I wouldn't say it, if I +wasn't sure that I am. Ask Peggotty. I am sure she'll tell you I'm +affectionate.' + +'There is no extent of mere weakness, Clara,' said Mr. Murdstone in +reply, 'that can have the least weight with me. You lose breath.' + +'Pray let us be friends,' said my mother, 'I couldn't live under +coldness or unkindness. I am so sorry. I have a great many defects, I +know, and it's very good of you, Edward, with your strength of mind, to +endeavour to correct them for me. Jane, I don't object to anything. I +should be quite broken-hearted if you thought of leaving--' My mother +was too much overcome to go on. + +'Jane Murdstone,' said Mr. Murdstone to his sister, 'any harsh words +between us are, I hope, uncommon. It is not my fault that so unusual an +occurrence has taken place tonight. I was betrayed into it by another. +Nor is it your fault. You were betrayed into it by another. Let us both +try to forget it. And as this,' he added, after these magnanimous words, +'is not a fit scene for the boy--David, go to bed!' + +I could hardly find the door, through the tears that stood in my eyes. +I was so sorry for my mother's distress; but I groped my way out, and +groped my way up to my room in the dark, without even having the heart +to say good night to Peggotty, or to get a candle from her. When her +coming up to look for me, an hour or so afterwards, awoke me, she said +that my mother had gone to bed poorly, and that Mr. and Miss Murdstone +were sitting alone. + +Going down next morning rather earlier than usual, I paused outside the +parlour door, on hearing my mother's voice. She was very earnestly and +humbly entreating Miss Murdstone's pardon, which that lady granted, and +a perfect reconciliation took place. I never knew my mother afterwards +to give an opinion on any matter, without first appealing to Miss +Murdstone, or without having first ascertained by some sure means, what +Miss Murdstone's opinion was; and I never saw Miss Murdstone, when out +of temper (she was infirm that way), move her hand towards her bag as +if she were going to take out the keys and offer to resign them to my +mother, without seeing that my mother was in a terrible fright. + +The gloomy taint that was in the Murdstone blood, darkened the Murdstone +religion, which was austere and wrathful. I have thought, since, +that its assuming that character was a necessary consequence of Mr. +Murdstone's firmness, which wouldn't allow him to let anybody off from +the utmost weight of the severest penalties he could find any excuse +for. Be this as it may, I well remember the tremendous visages with +which we used to go to church, and the changed air of the place. Again, +the dreaded Sunday comes round, and I file into the old pew first, like +a guarded captive brought to a condemned service. Again, Miss Murdstone, +in a black velvet gown, that looks as if it had been made out of a pall, +follows close upon me; then my mother; then her husband. There is no +Peggotty now, as in the old time. Again, I listen to Miss Murdstone +mumbling the responses, and emphasizing all the dread words with a cruel +relish. Again, I see her dark eyes roll round the church when she says +'miserable sinners', as if she were calling all the congregation names. +Again, I catch rare glimpses of my mother, moving her lips timidly +between the two, with one of them muttering at each ear like low +thunder. Again, I wonder with a sudden fear whether it is likely that +our good old clergyman can be wrong, and Mr. and Miss Murdstone right, +and that all the angels in Heaven can be destroying angels. Again, if I +move a finger or relax a muscle of my face, Miss Murdstone pokes me with +her prayer-book, and makes my side ache. + +Yes, and again, as we walk home, I note some neighbours looking at my +mother and at me, and whispering. Again, as the three go on arm-in-arm, +and I linger behind alone, I follow some of those looks, and wonder if +my mother's step be really not so light as I have seen it, and if the +gaiety of her beauty be really almost worried away. Again, I wonder +whether any of the neighbours call to mind, as I do, how we used to +walk home together, she and I; and I wonder stupidly about that, all the +dreary dismal day. + +There had been some talk on occasions of my going to boarding-school. +Mr. and Miss Murdstone had originated it, and my mother had of course +agreed with them. Nothing, however, was concluded on the subject yet. +In the meantime, I learnt lessons at home. Shall I ever forget those +lessons! They were presided over nominally by my mother, but really by +Mr. Murdstone and his sister, who were always present, and found them +a favourable occasion for giving my mother lessons in that miscalled +firmness, which was the bane of both our lives. I believe I was kept +at home for that purpose. I had been apt enough to learn, and willing +enough, when my mother and I had lived alone together. I can faintly +remember learning the alphabet at her knee. To this day, when I look +upon the fat black letters in the primer, the puzzling novelty of their +shapes, and the easy good-nature of O and Q and S, seem to present +themselves again before me as they used to do. But they recall no +feeling of disgust or reluctance. On the contrary, I seem to have walked +along a path of flowers as far as the crocodile-book, and to have been +cheered by the gentleness of my mother's voice and manner all the +way. But these solemn lessons which succeeded those, I remember as the +death-blow of my peace, and a grievous daily drudgery and misery. They +were very long, very numerous, very hard--perfectly unintelligible, +some of them, to me--and I was generally as much bewildered by them as I +believe my poor mother was herself. + +Let me remember how it used to be, and bring one morning back again. + +I come into the second-best parlour after breakfast, with my books, +and an exercise-book, and a slate. My mother is ready for me at her +writing-desk, but not half so ready as Mr. Murdstone in his easy-chair +by the window (though he pretends to be reading a book), or as Miss +Murdstone, sitting near my mother stringing steel beads. The very sight +of these two has such an influence over me, that I begin to feel the +words I have been at infinite pains to get into my head, all sliding +away, and going I don't know where. I wonder where they do go, by the +by? + +I hand the first book to my mother. Perhaps it is a grammar, perhaps a +history, or geography. I take a last drowning look at the page as I give +it into her hand, and start off aloud at a racing pace while I have +got it fresh. I trip over a word. Mr. Murdstone looks up. I trip +over another word. Miss Murdstone looks up. I redden, tumble over +half-a-dozen words, and stop. I think my mother would show me the book +if she dared, but she does not dare, and she says softly: + +'Oh, Davy, Davy!' + +'Now, Clara,' says Mr. Murdstone, 'be firm with the boy. Don't say, "Oh, +Davy, Davy!" That's childish. He knows his lesson, or he does not know +it.' + +'He does NOT know it,' Miss Murdstone interposes awfully. + +'I am really afraid he does not,' says my mother. + +'Then, you see, Clara,' returns Miss Murdstone, 'you should just give +him the book back, and make him know it.' + +'Yes, certainly,' says my mother; 'that is what I intend to do, my dear +Jane. Now, Davy, try once more, and don't be stupid.' + +I obey the first clause of the injunction by trying once more, but am +not so successful with the second, for I am very stupid. I tumble down +before I get to the old place, at a point where I was all right before, +and stop to think. But I can't think about the lesson. I think of the +number of yards of net in Miss Murdstone's cap, or of the price of Mr. +Murdstone's dressing-gown, or any such ridiculous problem that I have +no business with, and don't want to have anything at all to do with. Mr. +Murdstone makes a movement of impatience which I have been expecting +for a long time. Miss Murdstone does the same. My mother glances +submissively at them, shuts the book, and lays it by as an arrear to be +worked out when my other tasks are done. + +There is a pile of these arrears very soon, and it swells like a rolling +snowball. The bigger it gets, the more stupid I get. The case is so +hopeless, and I feel that I am wallowing in such a bog of nonsense, that +I give up all idea of getting out, and abandon myself to my fate. The +despairing way in which my mother and I look at each other, as I blunder +on, is truly melancholy. But the greatest effect in these miserable +lessons is when my mother (thinking nobody is observing her) tries +to give me the cue by the motion of her lips. At that instant, Miss +Murdstone, who has been lying in wait for nothing else all along, says +in a deep warning voice: + +'Clara!' + +My mother starts, colours, and smiles faintly. Mr. Murdstone comes out +of his chair, takes the book, throws it at me or boxes my ears with it, +and turns me out of the room by the shoulders. + +Even when the lessons are done, the worst is yet to happen, in the shape +of an appalling sum. This is invented for me, and delivered to me orally +by Mr. Murdstone, and begins, 'If I go into a cheesemonger's shop, and +buy five thousand double-Gloucester cheeses at fourpence-halfpenny each, +present payment'--at which I see Miss Murdstone secretly overjoyed. +I pore over these cheeses without any result or enlightenment until +dinner-time, when, having made a Mulatto of myself by getting the dirt +of the slate into the pores of my skin, I have a slice of bread to help +me out with the cheeses, and am considered in disgrace for the rest of +the evening. + +It seems to me, at this distance of time, as if my unfortunate studies +generally took this course. I could have done very well if I had been +without the Murdstones; but the influence of the Murdstones upon me was +like the fascination of two snakes on a wretched young bird. Even when +I did get through the morning with tolerable credit, there was not +much gained but dinner; for Miss Murdstone never could endure to see me +untasked, and if I rashly made any show of being unemployed, called her +brother's attention to me by saying, 'Clara, my dear, there's nothing +like work--give your boy an exercise'; which caused me to be clapped +down to some new labour, there and then. As to any recreation with other +children of my age, I had very little of that; for the gloomy theology +of the Murdstones made all children out to be a swarm of little vipers +(though there WAS a child once set in the midst of the Disciples), and +held that they contaminated one another. + +The natural result of this treatment, continued, I suppose, for some six +months or more, was to make me sullen, dull, and dogged. I was not +made the less so by my sense of being daily more and more shut out and +alienated from my mother. I believe I should have been almost stupefied +but for one circumstance. + +It was this. My father had left a small collection of books in a little +room upstairs, to which I had access (for it adjoined my own) and which +nobody else in our house ever troubled. From that blessed little room, +Roderick Random, Peregrine Pickle, Humphrey Clinker, Tom Jones, the +Vicar of Wakefield, Don Quixote, Gil Blas, and Robinson Crusoe, came +out, a glorious host, to keep me company. They kept alive my fancy, and +my hope of something beyond that place and time,--they, and the Arabian +Nights, and the Tales of the Genii,--and did me no harm; for whatever +harm was in some of them was not there for me; I knew nothing of it. It +is astonishing to me now, how I found time, in the midst of my porings +and blunderings over heavier themes, to read those books as I did. It +is curious to me how I could ever have consoled myself under my +small troubles (which were great troubles to me), by impersonating my +favourite characters in them--as I did--and by putting Mr. and Miss +Murdstone into all the bad ones--which I did too. I have been Tom Jones +(a child's Tom Jones, a harmless creature) for a week together. I have +sustained my own idea of Roderick Random for a month at a stretch, I +verily believe. I had a greedy relish for a few volumes of Voyages and +Travels--I forget what, now--that were on those shelves; and for days +and days I can remember to have gone about my region of our house, +armed with the centre-piece out of an old set of boot-trees--the perfect +realization of Captain Somebody, of the Royal British Navy, in danger of +being beset by savages, and resolved to sell his life at a great price. +The Captain never lost dignity, from having his ears boxed with the +Latin Grammar. I did; but the Captain was a Captain and a hero, in +despite of all the grammars of all the languages in the world, dead or +alive. + +This was my only and my constant comfort. When I think of it, the +picture always rises in my mind, of a summer evening, the boys at play +in the churchyard, and I sitting on my bed, reading as if for life. +Every barn in the neighbourhood, every stone in the church, and every +foot of the churchyard, had some association of its own, in my mind, +connected with these books, and stood for some locality made famous in +them. I have seen Tom Pipes go climbing up the church-steeple; I have +watched Strap, with the knapsack on his back, stopping to rest himself +upon the wicket-gate; and I know that Commodore Trunnion held that club +with Mr. Pickle, in the parlour of our little village alehouse. + +The reader now understands, as well as I do, what I was when I came to +that point of my youthful history to which I am now coming again. + +One morning when I went into the parlour with my books, I found my +mother looking anxious, Miss Murdstone looking firm, and Mr. Murdstone +binding something round the bottom of a cane--a lithe and limber cane, +which he left off binding when I came in, and poised and switched in the +air. + +'I tell you, Clara,' said Mr. Murdstone, 'I have been often flogged +myself.' + +'To be sure; of course,' said Miss Murdstone. + +'Certainly, my dear Jane,' faltered my mother, meekly. 'But--but do you +think it did Edward good?' + +'Do you think it did Edward harm, Clara?' asked Mr. Murdstone, gravely. + +'That's the point,' said his sister. + +To this my mother returned, 'Certainly, my dear Jane,' and said no more. + +I felt apprehensive that I was personally interested in this dialogue, +and sought Mr. Murdstone's eye as it lighted on mine. + +'Now, David,' he said--and I saw that cast again as he said it--'you +must be far more careful today than usual.' He gave the cane another +poise, and another switch; and having finished his preparation of it, +laid it down beside him, with an impressive look, and took up his book. + +This was a good freshener to my presence of mind, as a beginning. I felt +the words of my lessons slipping off, not one by one, or line by line, +but by the entire page; I tried to lay hold of them; but they seemed, +if I may so express it, to have put skates on, and to skim away from me +with a smoothness there was no checking. + +We began badly, and went on worse. I had come in with an idea of +distinguishing myself rather, conceiving that I was very well prepared; +but it turned out to be quite a mistake. Book after book was added to +the heap of failures, Miss Murdstone being firmly watchful of us all the +time. And when we came at last to the five thousand cheeses (canes he +made it that day, I remember), my mother burst out crying. + +'Clara!' said Miss Murdstone, in her warning voice. + +'I am not quite well, my dear Jane, I think,' said my mother. + +I saw him wink, solemnly, at his sister, as he rose and said, taking up +the cane: + +'Why, Jane, we can hardly expect Clara to bear, with perfect firmness, +the worry and torment that David has occasioned her today. That would be +stoical. Clara is greatly strengthened and improved, but we can hardly +expect so much from her. David, you and I will go upstairs, boy.' + +As he took me out at the door, my mother ran towards us. Miss Murdstone +said, 'Clara! are you a perfect fool?' and interfered. I saw my mother +stop her ears then, and I heard her crying. + +He walked me up to my room slowly and gravely--I am certain he had a +delight in that formal parade of executing justice--and when we got +there, suddenly twisted my head under his arm. + +'Mr. Murdstone! Sir!' I cried to him. 'Don't! Pray don't beat me! I have +tried to learn, sir, but I can't learn while you and Miss Murdstone are +by. I can't indeed!' + +'Can't you, indeed, David?' he said. 'We'll try that.' + +He had my head as in a vice, but I twined round him somehow, and stopped +him for a moment, entreating him not to beat me. It was only a moment +that I stopped him, for he cut me heavily an instant afterwards, and in +the same instant I caught the hand with which he held me in my mouth, +between my teeth, and bit it through. It sets my teeth on edge to think +of it. + +He beat me then, as if he would have beaten me to death. Above all the +noise we made, I heard them running up the stairs, and crying out--I +heard my mother crying out--and Peggotty. Then he was gone; and the +door was locked outside; and I was lying, fevered and hot, and torn, and +sore, and raging in my puny way, upon the floor. + +How well I recollect, when I became quiet, what an unnatural stillness +seemed to reign through the whole house! How well I remember, when my +smart and passion began to cool, how wicked I began to feel! + +I sat listening for a long while, but there was not a sound. I crawled +up from the floor, and saw my face in the glass, so swollen, red, and +ugly that it almost frightened me. My stripes were sore and stiff, and +made me cry afresh, when I moved; but they were nothing to the guilt I +felt. It lay heavier on my breast than if I had been a most atrocious +criminal, I dare say. + +It had begun to grow dark, and I had shut the window (I had been lying, +for the most part, with my head upon the sill, by turns crying, dozing, +and looking listlessly out), when the key was turned, and Miss Murdstone +came in with some bread and meat, and milk. These she put down upon the +table without a word, glaring at me the while with exemplary firmness, +and then retired, locking the door after her. + +Long after it was dark I sat there, wondering whether anybody else would +come. When this appeared improbable for that night, I undressed, and +went to bed; and, there, I began to wonder fearfully what would be done +to me. Whether it was a criminal act that I had committed? Whether I +should be taken into custody, and sent to prison? Whether I was at all +in danger of being hanged? + +I never shall forget the waking, next morning; the being cheerful and +fresh for the first moment, and then the being weighed down by the stale +and dismal oppression of remembrance. Miss Murdstone reappeared before +I was out of bed; told me, in so many words, that I was free to walk in +the garden for half an hour and no longer; and retired, leaving the door +open, that I might avail myself of that permission. + +I did so, and did so every morning of my imprisonment, which lasted five +days. If I could have seen my mother alone, I should have gone down on +my knees to her and besought her forgiveness; but I saw no one, Miss +Murdstone excepted, during the whole time--except at evening prayers in +the parlour; to which I was escorted by Miss Murdstone after everybody +else was placed; where I was stationed, a young outlaw, all alone by +myself near the door; and whence I was solemnly conducted by my jailer, +before any one arose from the devotional posture. I only observed that +my mother was as far off from me as she could be, and kept her face +another way so that I never saw it; and that Mr. Murdstone's hand was +bound up in a large linen wrapper. + +The length of those five days I can convey no idea of to any one. They +occupy the place of years in my remembrance. The way in which I listened +to all the incidents of the house that made themselves audible to me; +the ringing of bells, the opening and shutting of doors, the murmuring +of voices, the footsteps on the stairs; to any laughing, whistling, or +singing, outside, which seemed more dismal than anything else to me in +my solitude and disgrace--the uncertain pace of the hours, especially +at night, when I would wake thinking it was morning, and find that the +family were not yet gone to bed, and that all the length of night had +yet to come--the depressed dreams and nightmares I had--the return of +day, noon, afternoon, evening, when the boys played in the churchyard, +and I watched them from a distance within the room, being ashamed to +show myself at the window lest they should know I was a prisoner--the +strange sensation of never hearing myself speak--the fleeting intervals +of something like cheerfulness, which came with eating and drinking, +and went away with it--the setting in of rain one evening, with a fresh +smell, and its coming down faster and faster between me and the church, +until it and gathering night seemed to quench me in gloom, and fear, and +remorse--all this appears to have gone round and round for years instead +of days, it is so vividly and strongly stamped on my remembrance. On the +last night of my restraint, I was awakened by hearing my own name spoken +in a whisper. I started up in bed, and putting out my arms in the dark, +said: + +'Is that you, Peggotty?' + +There was no immediate answer, but presently I heard my name again, in a +tone so very mysterious and awful, that I think I should have gone into +a fit, if it had not occurred to me that it must have come through the +keyhole. + +I groped my way to the door, and putting my own lips to the keyhole, +whispered: 'Is that you, Peggotty dear?' + +'Yes, my own precious Davy,' she replied. 'Be as soft as a mouse, or the +Cat'll hear us.' + +I understood this to mean Miss Murdstone, and was sensible of the +urgency of the case; her room being close by. + +'How's mama, dear Peggotty? Is she very angry with me?' + +I could hear Peggotty crying softly on her side of the keyhole, as I was +doing on mine, before she answered. 'No. Not very.' + +'What is going to be done with me, Peggotty dear? Do you know?' + +'School. Near London,' was Peggotty's answer. I was obliged to get her +to repeat it, for she spoke it the first time quite down my throat, +in consequence of my having forgotten to take my mouth away from the +keyhole and put my ear there; and though her words tickled me a good +deal, I didn't hear them. + +'When, Peggotty?' + +'Tomorrow.' + +'Is that the reason why Miss Murdstone took the clothes out of my +drawers?' which she had done, though I have forgotten to mention it. + +'Yes,' said Peggotty. 'Box.' + +'Shan't I see mama?' + +'Yes,' said Peggotty. 'Morning.' + +Then Peggotty fitted her mouth close to the keyhole, and delivered these +words through it with as much feeling and earnestness as a keyhole +has ever been the medium of communicating, I will venture to assert: +shooting in each broken little sentence in a convulsive little burst of +its own. + +'Davy, dear. If I ain't been azackly as intimate with you. Lately, as I +used to be. It ain't because I don't love you. Just as well and more, my +pretty poppet. It's because I thought it better for you. And for someone +else besides. Davy, my darling, are you listening? Can you hear?' + +'Ye-ye-ye-yes, Peggotty!' I sobbed. + +'My own!' said Peggotty, with infinite compassion. 'What I want to say, +is. That you must never forget me. For I'll never forget you. And I'll +take as much care of your mama, Davy. As ever I took of you. And I won't +leave her. The day may come when she'll be glad to lay her poor head. +On her stupid, cross old Peggotty's arm again. And I'll write to you, +my dear. Though I ain't no scholar. And I'll--I'll--' Peggotty fell to +kissing the keyhole, as she couldn't kiss me. + +'Thank you, dear Peggotty!' said I. 'Oh, thank you! Thank you! Will you +promise me one thing, Peggotty? Will you write and tell Mr. Peggotty and +little Em'ly, and Mrs. Gummidge and Ham, that I am not so bad as they +might suppose, and that I sent 'em all my love--especially to little +Em'ly? Will you, if you please, Peggotty?' + +The kind soul promised, and we both of us kissed the keyhole with the +greatest affection--I patted it with my hand, I recollect, as if it had +been her honest face--and parted. From that night there grew up in my +breast a feeling for Peggotty which I cannot very well define. She did +not replace my mother; no one could do that; but she came into a vacancy +in my heart, which closed upon her, and I felt towards her something +I have never felt for any other human being. It was a sort of comical +affection, too; and yet if she had died, I cannot think what I should +have done, or how I should have acted out the tragedy it would have been +to me. + +In the morning Miss Murdstone appeared as usual, and told me I was going +to school; which was not altogether such news to me as she supposed. She +also informed me that when I was dressed, I was to come downstairs into +the parlour, and have my breakfast. There, I found my mother, very pale +and with red eyes: into whose arms I ran, and begged her pardon from my +suffering soul. + +'Oh, Davy!' she said. 'That you could hurt anyone I love! Try to be +better, pray to be better! I forgive you; but I am so grieved, Davy, +that you should have such bad passions in your heart.' + +They had persuaded her that I was a wicked fellow, and she was more +sorry for that than for my going away. I felt it sorely. I tried to eat +my parting breakfast, but my tears dropped upon my bread-and-butter, +and trickled into my tea. I saw my mother look at me sometimes, and then +glance at the watchful Miss Murdstone, and than look down, or look away. + +'Master Copperfield's box there!' said Miss Murdstone, when wheels were +heard at the gate. + +I looked for Peggotty, but it was not she; neither she nor Mr. Murdstone +appeared. My former acquaintance, the carrier, was at the door. The box +was taken out to his cart, and lifted in. + +'Clara!' said Miss Murdstone, in her warning note. + +'Ready, my dear Jane,' returned my mother. 'Good-bye, Davy. You are +going for your own good. Good-bye, my child. You will come home in the +holidays, and be a better boy.' + +'Clara!' Miss Murdstone repeated. + +'Certainly, my dear Jane,' replied my mother, who was holding me. 'I +forgive you, my dear boy. God bless you!' + +'Clara!' Miss Murdstone repeated. + +Miss Murdstone was good enough to take me out to the cart, and to say on +the way that she hoped I would repent, before I came to a bad end; and +then I got into the cart, and the lazy horse walked off with it. + + + +CHAPTER 5. I AM SENT AWAY FROM HOME + + +We might have gone about half a mile, and my pocket-handkerchief was +quite wet through, when the carrier stopped short. Looking out to +ascertain for what, I saw, to My amazement, Peggotty burst from a hedge +and climb into the cart. She took me in both her arms, and squeezed me +to her stays until the pressure on my nose was extremely painful, though +I never thought of that till afterwards when I found it very tender. Not +a single word did Peggotty speak. Releasing one of her arms, she put +it down in her pocket to the elbow, and brought out some paper bags of +cakes which she crammed into my pockets, and a purse which she put into +my hand, but not one word did she say. After another and a final squeeze +with both arms, she got down from the cart and ran away; and, my belief +is, and has always been, without a solitary button on her gown. I +picked up one, of several that were rolling about, and treasured it as a +keepsake for a long time. + +The carrier looked at me, as if to inquire if she were coming back. I +shook my head, and said I thought not. 'Then come up,' said the carrier +to the lazy horse; who came up accordingly. + +Having by this time cried as much as I possibly could, I began to think +it was of no use crying any more, especially as neither Roderick Random, +nor that Captain in the Royal British Navy, had ever cried, that I +could remember, in trying situations. The carrier, seeing me in this +resolution, proposed that my pocket-handkerchief should be spread upon +the horse's back to dry. I thanked him, and assented; and particularly +small it looked, under those circumstances. + +I had now leisure to examine the purse. It was a stiff leather purse, +with a snap, and had three bright shillings in it, which Peggotty had +evidently polished up with whitening, for my greater delight. But its +most precious contents were two half-crowns folded together in a bit +of paper, on which was written, in my mother's hand, 'For Davy. With my +love.' I was so overcome by this, that I asked the carrier to be so good +as to reach me my pocket-handkerchief again; but he said he thought I +had better do without it, and I thought I really had, so I wiped my eyes +on my sleeve and stopped myself. + +For good, too; though, in consequence of my previous emotions, I was +still occasionally seized with a stormy sob. After we had jogged on for +some little time, I asked the carrier if he was going all the way. + +'All the way where?' inquired the carrier. + +'There,' I said. + +'Where's there?' inquired the carrier. + +'Near London,' I said. + +'Why that horse,' said the carrier, jerking the rein to point him out, +'would be deader than pork afore he got over half the ground.' + +'Are you only going to Yarmouth then?' I asked. + +'That's about it,' said the carrier. 'And there I shall take you to the +stage-cutch, and the stage-cutch that'll take you to--wherever it is.' + +As this was a great deal for the carrier (whose name was Mr. Barkis) +to say--he being, as I observed in a former chapter, of a phlegmatic +temperament, and not at all conversational--I offered him a cake as a +mark of attention, which he ate at one gulp, exactly like an elephant, +and which made no more impression on his big face than it would have +done on an elephant's. + +'Did SHE make 'em, now?' said Mr. Barkis, always leaning forward, in his +slouching way, on the footboard of the cart with an arm on each knee. + +'Peggotty, do you mean, sir?' + +'Ah!' said Mr. Barkis. 'Her.' + +'Yes. She makes all our pastry, and does all our cooking.' + +'Do she though?' said Mr. Barkis. He made up his mouth as if to whistle, +but he didn't whistle. He sat looking at the horse's ears, as if he saw +something new there; and sat so, for a considerable time. By and by, he +said: + +'No sweethearts, I b'lieve?' + +'Sweetmeats did you say, Mr. Barkis?' For I thought he wanted +something else to eat, and had pointedly alluded to that description of +refreshment. + +'Hearts,' said Mr. Barkis. 'Sweet hearts; no person walks with her!' + +'With Peggotty?' + +'Ah!' he said. 'Her.' + +'Oh, no. She never had a sweetheart.' + +'Didn't she, though!' said Mr. Barkis. + +Again he made up his mouth to whistle, and again he didn't whistle, but +sat looking at the horse's ears. + +'So she makes,' said Mr. Barkis, after a long interval of reflection, +'all the apple parsties, and doos all the cooking, do she?' + +I replied that such was the fact. + +'Well. I'll tell you what,' said Mr. Barkis. 'P'raps you might be +writin' to her?' + +'I shall certainly write to her,' I rejoined. + +'Ah!' he said, slowly turning his eyes towards me. 'Well! If you was +writin' to her, p'raps you'd recollect to say that Barkis was willin'; +would you?' + +'That Barkis is willing,' I repeated, innocently. 'Is that all the +message?' + +'Ye-es,' he said, considering. 'Ye-es. Barkis is willin'.' + +'But you will be at Blunderstone again tomorrow, Mr. Barkis,' I said, +faltering a little at the idea of my being far away from it then, and +could give your own message so much better.' + +As he repudiated this suggestion, however, with a jerk of his head, +and once more confirmed his previous request by saying, with profound +gravity, 'Barkis is willin'. That's the message,' I readily undertook +its transmission. While I was waiting for the coach in the hotel +at Yarmouth that very afternoon, I procured a sheet of paper and +an inkstand, and wrote a note to Peggotty, which ran thus: 'My dear +Peggotty. I have come here safe. Barkis is willing. My love to mama. +Yours affectionately. P.S. He says he particularly wants you to +know--BARKIS IS WILLING.' + +When I had taken this commission on myself prospectively, Mr. Barkis +relapsed into perfect silence; and I, feeling quite worn out by all that +had happened lately, lay down on a sack in the cart and fell asleep. I +slept soundly until we got to Yarmouth; which was so entirely new +and strange to me in the inn-yard to which we drove, that I at once +abandoned a latent hope I had had of meeting with some of Mr. Peggotty's +family there, perhaps even with little Em'ly herself. + +The coach was in the yard, shining very much all over, but without any +horses to it as yet; and it looked in that state as if nothing was +more unlikely than its ever going to London. I was thinking this, and +wondering what would ultimately become of my box, which Mr. Barkis had +put down on the yard-pavement by the pole (he having driven up the yard +to turn his cart), and also what would ultimately become of me, when a +lady looked out of a bow-window where some fowls and joints of meat were +hanging up, and said: + +'Is that the little gentleman from Blunderstone?' + +'Yes, ma'am,' I said. + +'What name?' inquired the lady. + +'Copperfield, ma'am,' I said. + +'That won't do,' returned the lady. 'Nobody's dinner is paid for here, +in that name.' + +'Is it Murdstone, ma'am?' I said. + +'If you're Master Murdstone,' said the lady, 'why do you go and give +another name, first?' + +I explained to the lady how it was, who than rang a bell, and called +out, 'William! show the coffee-room!' upon which a waiter came running +out of a kitchen on the opposite side of the yard to show it, and seemed +a good deal surprised when he was only to show it to me. + +It was a large long room with some large maps in it. I doubt if I could +have felt much stranger if the maps had been real foreign countries, and +I cast away in the middle of them. I felt it was taking a liberty to +sit down, with my cap in my hand, on the corner of the chair nearest the +door; and when the waiter laid a cloth on purpose for me, and put a set +of castors on it, I think I must have turned red all over with modesty. + +He brought me some chops, and vegetables, and took the covers off in +such a bouncing manner that I was afraid I must have given him some +offence. But he greatly relieved my mind by putting a chair for me at +the table, and saying, very affably, 'Now, six-foot! come on!' + +I thanked him, and took my seat at the board; but found it extremely +difficult to handle my knife and fork with anything like dexterity, +or to avoid splashing myself with the gravy, while he was standing +opposite, staring so hard, and making me blush in the most dreadful +manner every time I caught his eye. After watching me into the second +chop, he said: + +'There's half a pint of ale for you. Will you have it now?' + +I thanked him and said, 'Yes.' Upon which he poured it out of a jug +into a large tumbler, and held it up against the light, and made it look +beautiful. + +'My eye!' he said. 'It seems a good deal, don't it?' + +'It does seem a good deal,' I answered with a smile. For it was quite +delightful to me, to find him so pleasant. He was a twinkling-eyed, +pimple-faced man, with his hair standing upright all over his head; and +as he stood with one arm a-kimbo, holding up the glass to the light with +the other hand, he looked quite friendly. + +'There was a gentleman here, yesterday,' he said--'a stout gentleman, by +the name of Topsawyer--perhaps you know him?' + +'No,' I said, 'I don't think--' + +'In breeches and gaiters, broad-brimmed hat, grey coat, speckled +choker,' said the waiter. + +'No,' I said bashfully, 'I haven't the pleasure--' + +'He came in here,' said the waiter, looking at the light through the +tumbler, 'ordered a glass of this ale--WOULD order it--I told him +not--drank it, and fell dead. It was too old for him. It oughtn't to be +drawn; that's the fact.' + +I was very much shocked to hear of this melancholy accident, and said I +thought I had better have some water. + +'Why you see,' said the waiter, still looking at the light through the +tumbler, with one of his eyes shut up, 'our people don't like things +being ordered and left. It offends 'em. But I'll drink it, if you like. +I'm used to it, and use is everything. I don't think it'll hurt me, if I +throw my head back, and take it off quick. Shall I?' + +I replied that he would much oblige me by drinking it, if he thought +he could do it safely, but by no means otherwise. When he did throw his +head back, and take it off quick, I had a horrible fear, I confess, +of seeing him meet the fate of the lamented Mr. Topsawyer, and fall +lifeless on the carpet. But it didn't hurt him. On the contrary, I +thought he seemed the fresher for it. + +'What have we got here?' he said, putting a fork into my dish. 'Not +chops?' + +'Chops,' I said. + +'Lord bless my soul!' he exclaimed, 'I didn't know they were chops. Why, +a chop's the very thing to take off the bad effects of that beer! Ain't +it lucky?' + +So he took a chop by the bone in one hand, and a potato in the other, +and ate away with a very good appetite, to my extreme satisfaction. +He afterwards took another chop, and another potato; and after that, +another chop and another potato. When we had done, he brought me a +pudding, and having set it before me, seemed to ruminate, and to become +absent in his mind for some moments. + +'How's the pie?' he said, rousing himself. + +'It's a pudding,' I made answer. + +'Pudding!' he exclaimed. 'Why, bless me, so it is! What!' looking at it +nearer. 'You don't mean to say it's a batter-pudding!' + +'Yes, it is indeed.' + +'Why, a batter-pudding,' he said, taking up a table-spoon, 'is my +favourite pudding! Ain't that lucky? Come on, little 'un, and let's see +who'll get most.' + +The waiter certainly got most. He entreated me more than once to come in +and win, but what with his table-spoon to my tea-spoon, his dispatch to +my dispatch, and his appetite to my appetite, I was left far behind at +the first mouthful, and had no chance with him. I never saw anyone enjoy +a pudding so much, I think; and he laughed, when it was all gone, as if +his enjoyment of it lasted still. + +Finding him so very friendly and companionable, it was then that I asked +for the pen and ink and paper, to write to Peggotty. He not only brought +it immediately, but was good enough to look over me while I wrote the +letter. When I had finished it, he asked me where I was going to school. + +I said, 'Near London,' which was all I knew. + +'Oh! my eye!' he said, looking very low-spirited, 'I am sorry for that.' + +'Why?' I asked him. + +'Oh, Lord!' he said, shaking his head, 'that's the school where they +broke the boy's ribs--two ribs--a little boy he was. I should say he +was--let me see--how old are you, about?' + +I told him between eight and nine. + +'That's just his age,' he said. 'He was eight years and six months old +when they broke his first rib; eight years and eight months old when +they broke his second, and did for him.' + +I could not disguise from myself, or from the waiter, that this was an +uncomfortable coincidence, and inquired how it was done. His answer was +not cheering to my spirits, for it consisted of two dismal words, 'With +whopping.' + +The blowing of the coach-horn in the yard was a seasonable diversion, +which made me get up and hesitatingly inquire, in the mingled pride and +diffidence of having a purse (which I took out of my pocket), if there +were anything to pay. + +'There's a sheet of letter-paper,' he returned. 'Did you ever buy a +sheet of letter-paper?' + +I could not remember that I ever had. + +'It's dear,' he said, 'on account of the duty. Threepence. That's +the way we're taxed in this country. There's nothing else, except the +waiter. Never mind the ink. I lose by that.' + +'What should you--what should I--how much ought I to--what would it be +right to pay the waiter, if you please?' I stammered, blushing. + +'If I hadn't a family, and that family hadn't the cowpock,' said the +waiter, 'I wouldn't take a sixpence. If I didn't support a aged pairint, +and a lovely sister,'--here the waiter was greatly agitated--'I wouldn't +take a farthing. If I had a good place, and was treated well here, I +should beg acceptance of a trifle, instead of taking of it. But I live +on broken wittles--and I sleep on the coals'--here the waiter burst into +tears. + +I was very much concerned for his misfortunes, and felt that any +recognition short of ninepence would be mere brutality and hardness of +heart. Therefore I gave him one of my three bright shillings, which he +received with much humility and veneration, and spun up with his thumb, +directly afterwards, to try the goodness of. + +It was a little disconcerting to me, to find, when I was being helped +up behind the coach, that I was supposed to have eaten all the dinner +without any assistance. I discovered this, from overhearing the lady in +the bow-window say to the guard, 'Take care of that child, George, or +he'll burst!' and from observing that the women-servants who were about +the place came out to look and giggle at me as a young phenomenon. My +unfortunate friend the waiter, who had quite recovered his spirits, did +not appear to be disturbed by this, but joined in the general admiration +without being at all confused. If I had any doubt of him, I suppose +this half awakened it; but I am inclined to believe that with the simple +confidence of a child, and the natural reliance of a child upon superior +years (qualities I am very sorry any children should prematurely change +for worldly wisdom), I had no serious mistrust of him on the whole, even +then. + +I felt it rather hard, I must own, to be made, without deserving it, the +subject of jokes between the coachman and guard as to the coach drawing +heavy behind, on account of my sitting there, and as to the greater +expediency of my travelling by waggon. The story of my supposed appetite +getting wind among the outside passengers, they were merry upon it +likewise; and asked me whether I was going to be paid for, at school, +as two brothers or three, and whether I was contracted for, or went upon +the regular terms; with other pleasant questions. But the worst of +it was, that I knew I should be ashamed to eat anything, when an +opportunity offered, and that, after a rather light dinner, I should +remain hungry all night--for I had left my cakes behind, at the hotel, +in my hurry. My apprehensions were realized. When we stopped for supper +I couldn't muster courage to take any, though I should have liked it +very much, but sat by the fire and said I didn't want anything. This did +not save me from more jokes, either; for a husky-voiced gentleman with +a rough face, who had been eating out of a sandwich-box nearly all the +way, except when he had been drinking out of a bottle, said I was like +a boa-constrictor who took enough at one meal to last him a long time; +after which, he actually brought a rash out upon himself with boiled +beef. + +We had started from Yarmouth at three o'clock in the afternoon, and we +were due in London about eight next morning. It was Mid-summer weather, +and the evening was very pleasant. When we passed through a village, I +pictured to myself what the insides of the houses were like, and what +the inhabitants were about; and when boys came running after us, and +got up behind and swung there for a little way, I wondered whether their +fathers were alive, and whether they were happy at home. I had plenty to +think of, therefore, besides my mind running continually on the kind +of place I was going to--which was an awful speculation. Sometimes, I +remember, I resigned myself to thoughts of home and Peggotty; and to +endeavouring, in a confused blind way, to recall how I had felt, and +what sort of boy I used to be, before I bit Mr. Murdstone: which I +couldn't satisfy myself about by any means, I seemed to have bitten him +in such a remote antiquity. + +The night was not so pleasant as the evening, for it got chilly; and +being put between two gentlemen (the rough-faced one and another) to +prevent my tumbling off the coach, I was nearly smothered by their +falling asleep, and completely blocking me up. They squeezed me so hard +sometimes, that I could not help crying out, 'Oh! If you please!'--which +they didn't like at all, because it woke them. Opposite me was an +elderly lady in a great fur cloak, who looked in the dark more like a +haystack than a lady, she was wrapped up to such a degree. This lady had +a basket with her, and she hadn't known what to do with it, for a long +time, until she found that on account of my legs being short, it could +go underneath me. It cramped and hurt me so, that it made me perfectly +miserable; but if I moved in the least, and made a glass that was in the +basket rattle against something else (as it was sure to do), she gave +me the cruellest poke with her foot, and said, 'Come, don't YOU fidget. +YOUR bones are young enough, I'm sure!' + +At last the sun rose, and then my companions seemed to sleep easier. +The difficulties under which they had laboured all night, and which had +found utterance in the most terrific gasps and snorts, are not to be +conceived. As the sun got higher, their sleep became lighter, and so +they gradually one by one awoke. I recollect being very much surprised +by the feint everybody made, then, of not having been to sleep at all, +and by the uncommon indignation with which everyone repelled the +charge. I labour under the same kind of astonishment to this day, having +invariably observed that of all human weaknesses, the one to which our +common nature is the least disposed to confess (I cannot imagine why) is +the weakness of having gone to sleep in a coach. + +What an amazing place London was to me when I saw it in the distance, +and how I believed all the adventures of all my favourite heroes to be +constantly enacting and re-enacting there, and how I vaguely made it +out in my own mind to be fuller of wonders and wickedness than all the +cities of the earth, I need not stop here to relate. We approached it by +degrees, and got, in due time, to the inn in the Whitechapel district, +for which we were bound. I forget whether it was the Blue Bull, or the +Blue Boar; but I know it was the Blue Something, and that its likeness +was painted up on the back of the coach. + +The guard's eye lighted on me as he was getting down, and he said at the +booking-office door: + +'Is there anybody here for a yoongster booked in the name of Murdstone, +from Bloonderstone, Sooffolk, to be left till called for?' + +Nobody answered. + +'Try Copperfield, if you please, sir,' said I, looking helplessly down. + +'Is there anybody here for a yoongster, booked in the name of Murdstone, +from Bloonderstone, Sooffolk, but owning to the name of Copperfield, to +be left till called for?' said the guard. 'Come! IS there anybody?' + +No. There was nobody. I looked anxiously around; but the inquiry made no +impression on any of the bystanders, if I except a man in gaiters, with +one eye, who suggested that they had better put a brass collar round my +neck, and tie me up in the stable. + +A ladder was brought, and I got down after the lady, who was like a +haystack: not daring to stir, until her basket was removed. The coach +was clear of passengers by that time, the luggage was very soon cleared +out, the horses had been taken out before the luggage, and now the coach +itself was wheeled and backed off by some hostlers, out of the way. +Still, nobody appeared, to claim the dusty youngster from Blunderstone, +Suffolk. + +More solitary than Robinson Crusoe, who had nobody to look at him +and see that he was solitary, I went into the booking-office, and, by +invitation of the clerk on duty, passed behind the counter, and sat down +on the scale at which they weighed the luggage. Here, as I sat looking +at the parcels, packages, and books, and inhaling the smell of stables +(ever since associated with that morning), a procession of most +tremendous considerations began to march through my mind. Supposing +nobody should ever fetch me, how long would they consent to keep me +there? Would they keep me long enough to spend seven shillings? Should I +sleep at night in one of those wooden bins, with the other luggage, +and wash myself at the pump in the yard in the morning; or should I +be turned out every night, and expected to come again to be left till +called for, when the office opened next day? Supposing there was no +mistake in the case, and Mr. Murdstone had devised this plan to get rid +of me, what should I do? If they allowed me to remain there until my +seven shillings were spent, I couldn't hope to remain there when I began +to starve. That would obviously be inconvenient and unpleasant to the +customers, besides entailing on the Blue Whatever-it-was, the risk of +funeral expenses. If I started off at once, and tried to walk back home, +how could I ever find my way, how could I ever hope to walk so far, how +could I make sure of anyone but Peggotty, even if I got back? If I +found out the nearest proper authorities, and offered myself to go for a +soldier, or a sailor, I was such a little fellow that it was most likely +they wouldn't take me in. These thoughts, and a hundred other such +thoughts, turned me burning hot, and made me giddy with apprehension and +dismay. I was in the height of my fever when a man entered and whispered +to the clerk, who presently slanted me off the scale, and pushed me over +to him, as if I were weighed, bought, delivered, and paid for. + +As I went out of the office, hand in hand with this new acquaintance, +I stole a look at him. He was a gaunt, sallow young man, with hollow +cheeks, and a chin almost as black as Mr. Murdstone's; but there the +likeness ended, for his whiskers were shaved off, and his hair, instead +of being glossy, was rusty and dry. He was dressed in a suit of black +clothes which were rather rusty and dry too, and rather short in the +sleeves and legs; and he had a white neck-kerchief on, that was not +over-clean. I did not, and do not, suppose that this neck-kerchief was +all the linen he wore, but it was all he showed or gave any hint of. + +'You're the new boy?' he said. 'Yes, sir,' I said. + +I supposed I was. I didn't know. + +'I'm one of the masters at Salem House,' he said. + +I made him a bow and felt very much overawed. I was so ashamed to allude +to a commonplace thing like my box, to a scholar and a master at Salem +House, that we had gone some little distance from the yard before I had +the hardihood to mention it. We turned back, on my humbly insinuating +that it might be useful to me hereafter; and he told the clerk that the +carrier had instructions to call for it at noon. + +'If you please, sir,' I said, when we had accomplished about the same +distance as before, 'is it far?' + +'It's down by Blackheath,' he said. + +'Is that far, sir?' I diffidently asked. + +'It's a good step,' he said. 'We shall go by the stage-coach. It's about +six miles.' + +I was so faint and tired, that the idea of holding out for six miles +more, was too much for me. I took heart to tell him that I had had +nothing all night, and that if he would allow me to buy something to +eat, I should be very much obliged to him. He appeared surprised at +this--I see him stop and look at me now--and after considering for a few +moments, said he wanted to call on an old person who lived not far off, +and that the best way would be for me to buy some bread, or whatever I +liked best that was wholesome, and make my breakfast at her house, where +we could get some milk. + +Accordingly we looked in at a baker's window, and after I had made a +series of proposals to buy everything that was bilious in the shop, and +he had rejected them one by one, we decided in favour of a nice little +loaf of brown bread, which cost me threepence. Then, at a grocer's shop, +we bought an egg and a slice of streaky bacon; which still left what +I thought a good deal of change, out of the second of the bright +shillings, and made me consider London a very cheap place. These +provisions laid in, we went on through a great noise and uproar that +confused my weary head beyond description, and over a bridge which, no +doubt, was London Bridge (indeed I think he told me so, but I was half +asleep), until we came to the poor person's house, which was a part of +some alms-houses, as I knew by their look, and by an inscription on a +stone over the gate which said they were established for twenty-five +poor women. + +The Master at Salem House lifted the latch of one of a number of little +black doors that were all alike, and had each a little diamond-paned +window on one side, and another little diamond--paned window above; and +we went into the little house of one of these poor old women, who was +blowing a fire to make a little saucepan boil. On seeing the master +enter, the old woman stopped with the bellows on her knee, and said +something that I thought sounded like 'My Charley!' but on seeing me +come in too, she got up, and rubbing her hands made a confused sort of +half curtsey. + +'Can you cook this young gentleman's breakfast for him, if you please?' +said the Master at Salem House. + +'Can I?' said the old woman. 'Yes can I, sure!' + +'How's Mrs. Fibbitson today?' said the Master, looking at another old +woman in a large chair by the fire, who was such a bundle of clothes +that I feel grateful to this hour for not having sat upon her by +mistake. + +'Ah, she's poorly,' said the first old woman. 'It's one of her bad days. +If the fire was to go out, through any accident, I verily believe she'd +go out too, and never come to life again.' + +As they looked at her, I looked at her also. Although it was a warm day, +she seemed to think of nothing but the fire. I fancied she was jealous +even of the saucepan on it; and I have reason to know that she took its +impressment into the service of boiling my egg and broiling my bacon, in +dudgeon; for I saw her, with my own discomfited eyes, shake her fist at +me once, when those culinary operations were going on, and no one else +was looking. The sun streamed in at the little window, but she sat with +her own back and the back of the large chair towards it, screening the +fire as if she were sedulously keeping IT warm, instead of it keeping +her warm, and watching it in a most distrustful manner. The completion +of the preparations for my breakfast, by relieving the fire, gave her +such extreme joy that she laughed aloud--and a very unmelodious laugh +she had, I must say. + +I sat down to my brown loaf, my egg, and my rasher of bacon, with a +basin of milk besides, and made a most delicious meal. While I was yet +in the full enjoyment of it, the old woman of the house said to the +Master: + +'Have you got your flute with you?' + +'Yes,' he returned. + +'Have a blow at it,' said the old woman, coaxingly. 'Do!' + +The Master, upon this, put his hand underneath the skirts of his coat, +and brought out his flute in three pieces, which he screwed together, +and began immediately to play. My impression is, after many years of +consideration, that there never can have been anybody in the world who +played worse. He made the most dismal sounds I have ever heard produced +by any means, natural or artificial. I don't know what the tunes +were--if there were such things in the performance at all, which I +doubt--but the influence of the strain upon me was, first, to make me +think of all my sorrows until I could hardly keep my tears back; then to +take away my appetite; and lastly, to make me so sleepy that I couldn't +keep my eyes open. They begin to close again, and I begin to nod, as the +recollection rises fresh upon me. Once more the little room, with its +open corner cupboard, and its square-backed chairs, and its angular +little staircase leading to the room above, and its three peacock's +feathers displayed over the mantelpiece--I remember wondering when I +first went in, what that peacock would have thought if he had known what +his finery was doomed to come to--fades from before me, and I nod, and +sleep. The flute becomes inaudible, the wheels of the coach are heard +instead, and I am on my journey. The coach jolts, I wake with a start, +and the flute has come back again, and the Master at Salem House is +sitting with his legs crossed, playing it dolefully, while the old woman +of the house looks on delighted. She fades in her turn, and he fades, +and all fades, and there is no flute, no Master, no Salem House, no +David Copperfield, no anything but heavy sleep. + +I dreamed, I thought, that once while he was blowing into this dismal +flute, the old woman of the house, who had gone nearer and nearer to him +in her ecstatic admiration, leaned over the back of his chair and gave +him an affectionate squeeze round the neck, which stopped his playing +for a moment. I was in the middle state between sleeping and waking, +either then or immediately afterwards; for, as he resumed--it was a real +fact that he had stopped playing--I saw and heard the same old woman ask +Mrs. Fibbitson if it wasn't delicious (meaning the flute), to which Mrs. +Fibbitson replied, 'Ay, ay! yes!' and nodded at the fire: to which, I am +persuaded, she gave the credit of the whole performance. + +When I seemed to have been dozing a long while, the Master at Salem +House unscrewed his flute into the three pieces, put them up as before, +and took me away. We found the coach very near at hand, and got upon the +roof; but I was so dead sleepy, that when we stopped on the road to take +up somebody else, they put me inside where there were no passengers, and +where I slept profoundly, until I found the coach going at a footpace up +a steep hill among green leaves. Presently, it stopped, and had come to +its destination. + +A short walk brought us--I mean the Master and me--to Salem House, which +was enclosed with a high brick wall, and looked very dull. Over a door +in this wall was a board with SALEM HOUSE upon it; and through a grating +in this door we were surveyed when we rang the bell by a surly face, +which I found, on the door being opened, belonged to a stout man with a +bull-neck, a wooden leg, overhanging temples, and his hair cut close all +round his head. + +'The new boy,' said the Master. + +The man with the wooden leg eyed me all over--it didn't take long, for +there was not much of me--and locked the gate behind us, and took out +the key. We were going up to the house, among some dark heavy trees, +when he called after my conductor. 'Hallo!' + +We looked back, and he was standing at the door of a little lodge, where +he lived, with a pair of boots in his hand. + +'Here! The cobbler's been,' he said, 'since you've been out, Mr. Mell, +and he says he can't mend 'em any more. He says there ain't a bit of the +original boot left, and he wonders you expect it.' + +With these words he threw the boots towards Mr. Mell, who went back a +few paces to pick them up, and looked at them (very disconsolately, +I was afraid), as we went on together. I observed then, for the first +time, that the boots he had on were a good deal the worse for wear, and +that his stocking was just breaking out in one place, like a bud. + +Salem House was a square brick building with wings; of a bare and +unfurnished appearance. All about it was so very quiet, that I said to +Mr. Mell I supposed the boys were out; but he seemed surprised at my +not knowing that it was holiday-time. That all the boys were at their +several homes. That Mr. Creakle, the proprietor, was down by the +sea-side with Mrs. and Miss Creakle; and that I was sent in holiday-time +as a punishment for my misdoing, all of which he explained to me as we +went along. + +I gazed upon the schoolroom into which he took me, as the most forlorn +and desolate place I had ever seen. I see it now. A long room with three +long rows of desks, and six of forms, and bristling all round with pegs +for hats and slates. Scraps of old copy-books and exercises litter the +dirty floor. Some silkworms' houses, made of the same materials, are +scattered over the desks. Two miserable little white mice, left behind +by their owner, are running up and down in a fusty castle made of +pasteboard and wire, looking in all the corners with their red eyes +for anything to eat. A bird, in a cage very little bigger than himself, +makes a mournful rattle now and then in hopping on his perch, two inches +high, or dropping from it; but neither sings nor chirps. There is a +strange unwholesome smell upon the room, like mildewed corduroys, sweet +apples wanting air, and rotten books. There could not well be more ink +splashed about it, if it had been roofless from its first construction, +and the skies had rained, snowed, hailed, and blown ink through the +varying seasons of the year. + +Mr. Mell having left me while he took his irreparable boots upstairs, I +went softly to the upper end of the room, observing all this as I crept +along. Suddenly I came upon a pasteboard placard, beautifully written, +which was lying on the desk, and bore these words: 'TAKE CARE OF HIM. HE +BITES.' + +I got upon the desk immediately, apprehensive of at least a great dog +underneath. But, though I looked all round with anxious eyes, I could +see nothing of him. I was still engaged in peering about, when Mr. Mell +came back, and asked me what I did up there? + +'I beg your pardon, sir,' says I, 'if you please, I'm looking for the +dog.' + +'Dog?' he says. 'What dog?' + +'Isn't it a dog, sir?' + +'Isn't what a dog?' + +'That's to be taken care of, sir; that bites.' + +'No, Copperfield,' says he, gravely, 'that's not a dog. That's a boy. +My instructions are, Copperfield, to put this placard on your back. I am +sorry to make such a beginning with you, but I must do it.' With that he +took me down, and tied the placard, which was neatly constructed for +the purpose, on my shoulders like a knapsack; and wherever I went, +afterwards, I had the consolation of carrying it. + +What I suffered from that placard, nobody can imagine. Whether it was +possible for people to see me or not, I always fancied that somebody was +reading it. It was no relief to turn round and find nobody; for wherever +my back was, there I imagined somebody always to be. That cruel man with +the wooden leg aggravated my sufferings. He was in authority; and if he +ever saw me leaning against a tree, or a wall, or the house, he roared +out from his lodge door in a stupendous voice, 'Hallo, you sir! You +Copperfield! Show that badge conspicuous, or I'll report you!' The +playground was a bare gravelled yard, open to all the back of the house +and the offices; and I knew that the servants read it, and the butcher +read it, and the baker read it; that everybody, in a word, who came +backwards and forwards to the house, of a morning when I was ordered to +walk there, read that I was to be taken care of, for I bit, I recollect +that I positively began to have a dread of myself, as a kind of wild boy +who did bite. + +There was an old door in this playground, on which the boys had a +custom of carving their names. It was completely covered with such +inscriptions. In my dread of the end of the vacation and their coming +back, I could not read a boy's name, without inquiring in what tone and +with what emphasis HE would read, 'Take care of him. He bites.' There +was one boy--a certain J. Steerforth--who cut his name very deep and +very often, who, I conceived, would read it in a rather strong voice, +and afterwards pull my hair. There was another boy, one Tommy Traddles, +who I dreaded would make game of it, and pretend to be dreadfully +frightened of me. There was a third, George Demple, who I fancied would +sing it. I have looked, a little shrinking creature, at that door, until +the owners of all the names--there were five-and-forty of them in the +school then, Mr. Mell said--seemed to send me to Coventry by general +acclamation, and to cry out, each in his own way, 'Take care of him. He +bites!' + +It was the same with the places at the desks and forms. It was the same +with the groves of deserted bedsteads I peeped at, on my way to, and +when I was in, my own bed. I remember dreaming night after night, of +being with my mother as she used to be, or of going to a party at Mr. +Peggotty's, or of travelling outside the stage-coach, or of dining again +with my unfortunate friend the waiter, and in all these circumstances +making people scream and stare, by the unhappy disclosure that I had +nothing on but my little night-shirt, and that placard. + +In the monotony of my life, and in my constant apprehension of the +re-opening of the school, it was such an insupportable affliction! I had +long tasks every day to do with Mr. Mell; but I did them, there being +no Mr. and Miss Murdstone here, and got through them without disgrace. +Before, and after them, I walked about--supervised, as I have mentioned, +by the man with the wooden leg. How vividly I call to mind the damp +about the house, the green cracked flagstones in the court, an old leaky +water-butt, and the discoloured trunks of some of the grim trees, which +seemed to have dripped more in the rain than other trees, and to have +blown less in the sun! At one we dined, Mr. Mell and I, at the upper end +of a long bare dining-room, full of deal tables, and smelling of fat. +Then, we had more tasks until tea, which Mr. Mell drank out of a blue +teacup, and I out of a tin pot. All day long, and until seven or eight +in the evening, Mr. Mell, at his own detached desk in the schoolroom, +worked hard with pen, ink, ruler, books, and writing-paper, making out +the bills (as I found) for last half-year. When he had put up his things +for the night he took out his flute, and blew at it, until I almost +thought he would gradually blow his whole being into the large hole at +the top, and ooze away at the keys. + +I picture my small self in the dimly-lighted rooms, sitting with my +head upon my hand, listening to the doleful performance of Mr. Mell, +and conning tomorrow's lessons. I picture myself with my books shut up, +still listening to the doleful performance of Mr. Mell, and listening +through it to what used to be at home, and to the blowing of the wind +on Yarmouth flats, and feeling very sad and solitary. I picture myself +going up to bed, among the unused rooms, and sitting on my bed-side +crying for a comfortable word from Peggotty. I picture myself coming +downstairs in the morning, and looking through a long ghastly gash of a +staircase window at the school-bell hanging on the top of an out-house +with a weathercock above it; and dreading the time when it shall ring J. +Steerforth and the rest to work: which is only second, in my foreboding +apprehensions, to the time when the man with the wooden leg shall unlock +the rusty gate to give admission to the awful Mr. Creakle. I cannot +think I was a very dangerous character in any of these aspects, but in +all of them I carried the same warning on my back. + +Mr. Mell never said much to me, but he was never harsh to me. I suppose +we were company to each other, without talking. I forgot to mention that +he would talk to himself sometimes, and grin, and clench his fist, and +grind his teeth, and pull his hair in an unaccountable manner. But he +had these peculiarities: and at first they frightened me, though I soon +got used to them. + + + +CHAPTER 6. I ENLARGE MY CIRCLE OF ACQUAINTANCE + + +I HAD led this life about a month, when the man with the wooden leg +began to stump about with a mop and a bucket of water, from which I +inferred that preparations were making to receive Mr. Creakle and the +boys. I was not mistaken; for the mop came into the schoolroom before +long, and turned out Mr. Mell and me, who lived where we could, and got +on how we could, for some days, during which we were always in the way +of two or three young women, who had rarely shown themselves before, and +were so continually in the midst of dust that I sneezed almost as much +as if Salem House had been a great snuff-box. + +One day I was informed by Mr. Mell that Mr. Creakle would be home that +evening. In the evening, after tea, I heard that he was come. Before +bedtime, I was fetched by the man with the wooden leg to appear before +him. + +Mr. Creakle's part of the house was a good deal more comfortable than +ours, and he had a snug bit of garden that looked pleasant after the +dusty playground, which was such a desert in miniature, that I thought +no one but a camel, or a dromedary, could have felt at home in it. It +seemed to me a bold thing even to take notice that the passage looked +comfortable, as I went on my way, trembling, to Mr. Creakle's presence: +which so abashed me, when I was ushered into it, that I hardly saw +Mrs. Creakle or Miss Creakle (who were both there, in the parlour), or +anything but Mr. Creakle, a stout gentleman with a bunch of watch-chain +and seals, in an arm-chair, with a tumbler and bottle beside him. + +'So!' said Mr. Creakle. 'This is the young gentleman whose teeth are to +be filed! Turn him round.' + +The wooden-legged man turned me about so as to exhibit the placard; and +having afforded time for a full survey of it, turned me about again, +with my face to Mr. Creakle, and posted himself at Mr. Creakle's side. +Mr. Creakle's face was fiery, and his eyes were small, and deep in his +head; he had thick veins in his forehead, a little nose, and a large +chin. He was bald on the top of his head; and had some thin wet-looking +hair that was just turning grey, brushed across each temple, so that +the two sides interlaced on his forehead. But the circumstance about +him which impressed me most, was, that he had no voice, but spoke in a +whisper. The exertion this cost him, or the consciousness of talking in +that feeble way, made his angry face so much more angry, and his thick +veins so much thicker, when he spoke, that I am not surprised, on +looking back, at this peculiarity striking me as his chief one. 'Now,' +said Mr. Creakle. 'What's the report of this boy?' + +'There's nothing against him yet,' returned the man with the wooden leg. +'There has been no opportunity.' + +I thought Mr. Creakle was disappointed. I thought Mrs. and Miss Creakle +(at whom I now glanced for the first time, and who were, both, thin and +quiet) were not disappointed. + +'Come here, sir!' said Mr. Creakle, beckoning to me. + +'Come here!' said the man with the wooden leg, repeating the gesture. + +'I have the happiness of knowing your father-in-law,' whispered Mr. +Creakle, taking me by the ear; 'and a worthy man he is, and a man of +a strong character. He knows me, and I know him. Do YOU know me? Hey?' +said Mr. Creakle, pinching my ear with ferocious playfulness. + +'Not yet, sir,' I said, flinching with the pain. + +'Not yet? Hey?' repeated Mr. Creakle. 'But you will soon. Hey?' + +'You will soon. Hey?' repeated the man with the wooden leg. I afterwards +found that he generally acted, with his strong voice, as Mr. Creakle's +interpreter to the boys. + +I was very much frightened, and said, I hoped so, if he pleased. I felt, +all this while, as if my ear were blazing; he pinched it so hard. + +'I'll tell you what I am,' whispered Mr. Creakle, letting it go at last, +with a screw at parting that brought the water into my eyes. 'I'm a +Tartar.' + +'A Tartar,' said the man with the wooden leg. + +'When I say I'll do a thing, I do it,' said Mr. Creakle; 'and when I say +I will have a thing done, I will have it done.' + +'--Will have a thing done, I will have it done,' repeated the man with +the wooden leg. + +'I am a determined character,' said Mr. Creakle. 'That's what I am. I +do my duty. That's what I do. My flesh and blood'--he looked at Mrs. +Creakle as he said this--'when it rises against me, is not my flesh +and blood. I discard it. Has that fellow'--to the man with the wooden +leg--'been here again?' + +'No,' was the answer. + +'No,' said Mr. Creakle. 'He knows better. He knows me. Let him keep +away. I say let him keep away,' said Mr. Creakle, striking his hand upon +the table, and looking at Mrs. Creakle, 'for he knows me. Now you have +begun to know me too, my young friend, and you may go. Take him away.' + +I was very glad to be ordered away, for Mrs. and Miss Creakle were both +wiping their eyes, and I felt as uncomfortable for them as I did for +myself. But I had a petition on my mind which concerned me so nearly, +that I couldn't help saying, though I wondered at my own courage: + +'If you please, sir--' + +Mr. Creakle whispered, 'Hah! What's this?' and bent his eyes upon me, as +if he would have burnt me up with them. + +'If you please, sir,' I faltered, 'if I might be allowed (I am very +sorry indeed, sir, for what I did) to take this writing off, before the +boys come back--' + +Whether Mr. Creakle was in earnest, or whether he only did it to +frighten me, I don't know, but he made a burst out of his chair, before +which I precipitately retreated, without waiting for the escort of the +man with the wooden leg, and never once stopped until I reached my own +bedroom, where, finding I was not pursued, I went to bed, as it was +time, and lay quaking, for a couple of hours. + +Next morning Mr. Sharp came back. Mr. Sharp was the first master, and +superior to Mr. Mell. Mr. Mell took his meals with the boys, but +Mr. Sharp dined and supped at Mr. Creakle's table. He was a limp, +delicate-looking gentleman, I thought, with a good deal of nose, and a +way of carrying his head on one side, as if it were a little too heavy +for him. His hair was very smooth and wavy; but I was informed by the +very first boy who came back that it was a wig (a second-hand one HE +said), and that Mr. Sharp went out every Saturday afternoon to get it +curled. + +It was no other than Tommy Traddles who gave me this piece of +intelligence. He was the first boy who returned. He introduced himself +by informing me that I should find his name on the right-hand corner of +the gate, over the top-bolt; upon that I said, 'Traddles?' to which he +replied, 'The same,' and then he asked me for a full account of myself +and family. + +It was a happy circumstance for me that Traddles came back first. He +enjoyed my placard so much, that he saved me from the embarrassment of +either disclosure or concealment, by presenting me to every other boy +who came back, great or small, immediately on his arrival, in this form +of introduction, 'Look here! Here's a game!' Happily, too, the greater +part of the boys came back low-spirited, and were not so boisterous at +my expense as I had expected. Some of them certainly did dance about me +like wild Indians, and the greater part could not resist the temptation +of pretending that I was a dog, and patting and soothing me, lest I +should bite, and saying, 'Lie down, sir!' and calling me Towzer. This +was naturally confusing, among so many strangers, and cost me some +tears, but on the whole it was much better than I had anticipated. + +I was not considered as being formally received into the school, +however, until J. Steerforth arrived. Before this boy, who was +reputed to be a great scholar, and was very good-looking, and at least +half-a-dozen years my senior, I was carried as before a magistrate. He +inquired, under a shed in the playground, into the particulars of my +punishment, and was pleased to express his opinion that it was 'a jolly +shame'; for which I became bound to him ever afterwards. + +'What money have you got, Copperfield?' he said, walking aside with +me when he had disposed of my affair in these terms. I told him seven +shillings. + +'You had better give it to me to take care of,' he said. 'At least, you +can if you like. You needn't if you don't like.' + +I hastened to comply with his friendly suggestion, and opening +Peggotty's purse, turned it upside down into his hand. + +'Do you want to spend anything now?' he asked me. + +'No thank you,' I replied. + +'You can, if you like, you know,' said Steerforth. 'Say the word.' + +'No, thank you, sir,' I repeated. + +'Perhaps you'd like to spend a couple of shillings or so, in a bottle of +currant wine by and by, up in the bedroom?' said Steerforth. 'You belong +to my bedroom, I find.' + +It certainly had not occurred to me before, but I said, Yes, I should +like that. + +'Very good,' said Steerforth. 'You'll be glad to spend another shilling +or so, in almond cakes, I dare say?' + +I said, Yes, I should like that, too. + +'And another shilling or so in biscuits, and another in fruit, eh?' said +Steerforth. 'I say, young Copperfield, you're going it!' + +I smiled because he smiled, but I was a little troubled in my mind, too. + +'Well!' said Steerforth. 'We must make it stretch as far as we can; +that's all. I'll do the best in my power for you. I can go out when I +like, and I'll smuggle the prog in.' With these words he put the money +in his pocket, and kindly told me not to make myself uneasy; he would +take care it should be all right. He was as good as his word, if that +were all right which I had a secret misgiving was nearly all wrong--for +I feared it was a waste of my mother's two half-crowns--though I had +preserved the piece of paper they were wrapped in: which was a precious +saving. When we went upstairs to bed, he produced the whole seven +shillings' worth, and laid it out on my bed in the moonlight, saying: + +'There you are, young Copperfield, and a royal spread you've got.' + +I couldn't think of doing the honours of the feast, at my time of life, +while he was by; my hand shook at the very thought of it. I begged him +to do me the favour of presiding; and my request being seconded by the +other boys who were in that room, he acceded to it, and sat upon my +pillow, handing round the viands--with perfect fairness, I must say--and +dispensing the currant wine in a little glass without a foot, which was +his own property. As to me, I sat on his left hand, and the rest were +grouped about us, on the nearest beds and on the floor. + +How well I recollect our sitting there, talking in whispers; or their +talking, and my respectfully listening, I ought rather to say; the +moonlight falling a little way into the room, through the window, +painting a pale window on the floor, and the greater part of us in +shadow, except when Steerforth dipped a match into a phosphorus-box, +when he wanted to look for anything on the board, and shed a blue glare +over us that was gone directly! A certain mysterious feeling, consequent +on the darkness, the secrecy of the revel, and the whisper in which +everything was said, steals over me again, and I listen to all they tell +me with a vague feeling of solemnity and awe, which makes me glad that +they are all so near, and frightens me (though I feign to laugh) when +Traddles pretends to see a ghost in the corner. + +I heard all kinds of things about the school and all belonging to it. +I heard that Mr. Creakle had not preferred his claim to being a Tartar +without reason; that he was the sternest and most severe of masters; +that he laid about him, right and left, every day of his life, charging +in among the boys like a trooper, and slashing away, unmercifully. That +he knew nothing himself, but the art of slashing, being more ignorant +(J. Steerforth said) than the lowest boy in the school; that he had +been, a good many years ago, a small hop-dealer in the Borough, and had +taken to the schooling business after being bankrupt in hops, and making +away with Mrs. Creakle's money. With a good deal more of that sort, +which I wondered how they knew. + +I heard that the man with the wooden leg, whose name was Tungay, was an +obstinate barbarian who had formerly assisted in the hop business, but +had come into the scholastic line with Mr. Creakle, in consequence, +as was supposed among the boys, of his having broken his leg in Mr. +Creakle's service, and having done a deal of dishonest work for him, +and knowing his secrets. I heard that with the single exception of Mr. +Creakle, Tungay considered the whole establishment, masters and boys, +as his natural enemies, and that the only delight of his life was to be +sour and malicious. I heard that Mr. Creakle had a son, who had not been +Tungay's friend, and who, assisting in the school, had once held some +remonstrance with his father on an occasion when its discipline was very +cruelly exercised, and was supposed, besides, to have protested against +his father's usage of his mother. I heard that Mr. Creakle had turned +him out of doors, in consequence; and that Mrs. and Miss Creakle had +been in a sad way, ever since. + +But the greatest wonder that I heard of Mr. Creakle was, there being one +boy in the school on whom he never ventured to lay a hand, and that +boy being J. Steerforth. Steerforth himself confirmed this when it was +stated, and said that he should like to begin to see him do it. On being +asked by a mild boy (not me) how he would proceed if he did begin to see +him do it, he dipped a match into his phosphorus-box on purpose to shed +a glare over his reply, and said he would commence by knocking him down +with a blow on the forehead from the seven-and-sixpenny ink-bottle +that was always on the mantelpiece. We sat in the dark for some time, +breathless. + +I heard that Mr. Sharp and Mr. Mell were both supposed to be wretchedly +paid; and that when there was hot and cold meat for dinner at Mr. +Creakle's table, Mr. Sharp was always expected to say he preferred cold; +which was again corroborated by J. Steerforth, the only parlour-boarder. +I heard that Mr. Sharp's wig didn't fit him; and that he needn't be so +'bounceable'--somebody else said 'bumptious'--about it, because his own +red hair was very plainly to be seen behind. + +I heard that one boy, who was a coal-merchant's son, came as a set-off +against the coal-bill, and was called, on that account, 'Exchange or +Barter'--a name selected from the arithmetic book as expressing this +arrangement. I heard that the table beer was a robbery of parents, and +the pudding an imposition. I heard that Miss Creakle was regarded by the +school in general as being in love with Steerforth; and I am sure, as I +sat in the dark, thinking of his nice voice, and his fine face, and his +easy manner, and his curling hair, I thought it very likely. I heard +that Mr. Mell was not a bad sort of fellow, but hadn't a sixpence to +bless himself with; and that there was no doubt that old Mrs. Mell, his +mother, was as poor as job. I thought of my breakfast then, and what had +sounded like 'My Charley!' but I was, I am glad to remember, as mute as +a mouse about it. + +The hearing of all this, and a good deal more, outlasted the banquet +some time. The greater part of the guests had gone to bed as soon as the +eating and drinking were over; and we, who had remained whispering and +listening half-undressed, at last betook ourselves to bed, too. + +'Good night, young Copperfield,' said Steerforth. 'I'll take care of +you.' 'You're very kind,' I gratefully returned. 'I am very much obliged +to you.' + +'You haven't got a sister, have you?' said Steerforth, yawning. + +'No,' I answered. + +'That's a pity,' said Steerforth. 'If you had had one, I should think +she would have been a pretty, timid, little, bright-eyed sort of girl. I +should have liked to know her. Good night, young Copperfield.' + +'Good night, sir,' I replied. + +I thought of him very much after I went to bed, and raised myself, +I recollect, to look at him where he lay in the moonlight, with his +handsome face turned up, and his head reclining easily on his arm. He +was a person of great power in my eyes; that was, of course, the reason +of my mind running on him. No veiled future dimly glanced upon him in +the moonbeams. There was no shadowy picture of his footsteps, in the +garden that I dreamed of walking in all night. + + + +CHAPTER 7. MY 'FIRST HALF' AT SALEM HOUSE + + +School began in earnest next day. A profound impression was made +upon me, I remember, by the roar of voices in the schoolroom suddenly +becoming hushed as death when Mr. Creakle entered after breakfast, and +stood in the doorway looking round upon us like a giant in a story-book +surveying his captives. + +Tungay stood at Mr. Creakle's elbow. He had no occasion, I thought, +to cry out 'Silence!' so ferociously, for the boys were all struck +speechless and motionless. + +Mr. Creakle was seen to speak, and Tungay was heard, to this effect. + +'Now, boys, this is a new half. Take care what you're about, in this new +half. Come fresh up to the lessons, I advise you, for I come fresh up +to the punishment. I won't flinch. It will be of no use your rubbing +yourselves; you won't rub the marks out that I shall give you. Now get +to work, every boy!' + +When this dreadful exordium was over, and Tungay had stumped out again, +Mr. Creakle came to where I sat, and told me that if I were famous for +biting, he was famous for biting, too. He then showed me the cane, and +asked me what I thought of THAT, for a tooth? Was it a sharp tooth, hey? +Was it a double tooth, hey? Had it a deep prong, hey? Did it bite, hey? +Did it bite? At every question he gave me a fleshy cut with it that made +me writhe; so I was very soon made free of Salem House (as Steerforth +said), and was very soon in tears also. + +Not that I mean to say these were special marks of distinction, +which only I received. On the contrary, a large majority of the boys +(especially the smaller ones) were visited with similar instances +of notice, as Mr. Creakle made the round of the schoolroom. Half the +establishment was writhing and crying, before the day's work began; and +how much of it had writhed and cried before the day's work was over, I +am really afraid to recollect, lest I should seem to exaggerate. + +I should think there never can have been a man who enjoyed his +profession more than Mr. Creakle did. He had a delight in cutting at +the boys, which was like the satisfaction of a craving appetite. I am +confident that he couldn't resist a chubby boy, especially; that there +was a fascination in such a subject, which made him restless in his +mind, until he had scored and marked him for the day. I was chubby +myself, and ought to know. I am sure when I think of the fellow now, my +blood rises against him with the disinterested indignation I should +feel if I could have known all about him without having ever been in his +power; but it rises hotly, because I know him to have been an incapable +brute, who had no more right to be possessed of the great trust he held, +than to be Lord High Admiral, or Commander-in-Chief--in either of +which capacities it is probable that he would have done infinitely less +mischief. + +Miserable little propitiators of a remorseless Idol, how abject we were +to him! What a launch in life I think it now, on looking back, to be so +mean and servile to a man of such parts and pretensions! + +Here I sit at the desk again, watching his eye--humbly watching his eye, +as he rules a ciphering-book for another victim whose hands have just +been flattened by that identical ruler, and who is trying to wipe the +sting out with a pocket-handkerchief. I have plenty to do. I don't watch +his eye in idleness, but because I am morbidly attracted to it, in a +dread desire to know what he will do next, and whether it will be my +turn to suffer, or somebody else's. A lane of small boys beyond me, with +the same interest in his eye, watch it too. I think he knows it, +though he pretends he don't. He makes dreadful mouths as he rules the +ciphering-book; and now he throws his eye sideways down our lane, and we +all droop over our books and tremble. A moment afterwards we are again +eyeing him. An unhappy culprit, found guilty of imperfect exercise, +approaches at his command. The culprit falters excuses, and professes a +determination to do better tomorrow. Mr. Creakle cuts a joke before he +beats him, and we laugh at it,--miserable little dogs, we laugh, with +our visages as white as ashes, and our hearts sinking into our boots. + +Here I sit at the desk again, on a drowsy summer afternoon. A buzz and +hum go up around me, as if the boys were so many bluebottles. A cloggy +sensation of the lukewarm fat of meat is upon me (we dined an hour or +two ago), and my head is as heavy as so much lead. I would give the +world to go to sleep. I sit with my eye on Mr. Creakle, blinking at him +like a young owl; when sleep overpowers me for a minute, he still looms +through my slumber, ruling those ciphering-books, until he softly comes +behind me and wakes me to plainer perception of him, with a red ridge +across my back. + +Here I am in the playground, with my eye still fascinated by him, though +I can't see him. The window at a little distance from which I know he is +having his dinner, stands for him, and I eye that instead. If he shows +his face near it, mine assumes an imploring and submissive expression. +If he looks out through the glass, the boldest boy (Steerforth excepted) +stops in the middle of a shout or yell, and becomes contemplative. One +day, Traddles (the most unfortunate boy in the world) breaks that window +accidentally, with a ball. I shudder at this moment with the tremendous +sensation of seeing it done, and feeling that the ball has bounded on to +Mr. Creakle's sacred head. + +Poor Traddles! In a tight sky-blue suit that made his arms and legs like +German sausages, or roly-poly puddings, he was the merriest and most +miserable of all the boys. He was always being caned--I think he was +caned every day that half-year, except one holiday Monday when he was +only ruler'd on both hands--and was always going to write to his uncle +about it, and never did. After laying his head on the desk for a little +while, he would cheer up, somehow, begin to laugh again, and draw +skeletons all over his slate, before his eyes were dry. I used at first +to wonder what comfort Traddles found in drawing skeletons; and for some +time looked upon him as a sort of hermit, who reminded himself by those +symbols of mortality that caning couldn't last for ever. But I believe +he only did it because they were easy, and didn't want any features. + +He was very honourable, Traddles was, and held it as a solemn duty +in the boys to stand by one another. He suffered for this on several +occasions; and particularly once, when Steerforth laughed in church, +and the Beadle thought it was Traddles, and took him out. I see him now, +going away in custody, despised by the congregation. He never said +who was the real offender, though he smarted for it next day, and was +imprisoned so many hours that he came forth with a whole churchyard-full +of skeletons swarming all over his Latin Dictionary. But he had his +reward. Steerforth said there was nothing of the sneak in Traddles, and +we all felt that to be the highest praise. For my part, I could have +gone through a good deal (though I was much less brave than Traddles, +and nothing like so old) to have won such a recompense. + +To see Steerforth walk to church before us, arm-in-arm with Miss +Creakle, was one of the great sights of my life. I didn't think Miss +Creakle equal to little Em'ly in point of beauty, and I didn't love +her (I didn't dare); but I thought her a young lady of extraordinary +attractions, and in point of gentility not to be surpassed. When +Steerforth, in white trousers, carried her parasol for her, I felt proud +to know him; and believed that she could not choose but adore him with +all her heart. Mr. Sharp and Mr. Mell were both notable personages in my +eyes; but Steerforth was to them what the sun was to two stars. + +Steerforth continued his protection of me, and proved a very useful +friend; since nobody dared to annoy one whom he honoured with his +countenance. He couldn't--or at all events he didn't--defend me from Mr. +Creakle, who was very severe with me; but whenever I had been treated +worse than usual, he always told me that I wanted a little of his pluck, +and that he wouldn't have stood it himself; which I felt he intended +for encouragement, and considered to be very kind of him. There was one +advantage, and only one that I know of, in Mr. Creakle's severity. He +found my placard in his way when he came up or down behind the form on +which I sat, and wanted to make a cut at me in passing; for this reason +it was soon taken off, and I saw it no more. + +An accidental circumstance cemented the intimacy between Steerforth +and me, in a manner that inspired me with great pride and satisfaction, +though it sometimes led to inconvenience. It happened on one occasion, +when he was doing me the honour of talking to me in the playground, that +I hazarded the observation that something or somebody--I forget what +now--was like something or somebody in Peregrine Pickle. He said nothing +at the time; but when I was going to bed at night, asked me if I had got +that book? + +I told him no, and explained how it was that I had read it, and all +those other books of which I have made mention. + +'And do you recollect them?' Steerforth said. + +'Oh yes,' I replied; I had a good memory, and I believed I recollected +them very well. + +'Then I tell you what, young Copperfield,' said Steerforth, 'you +shall tell 'em to me. I can't get to sleep very early at night, and I +generally wake rather early in the morning. We'll go over 'em one after +another. We'll make some regular Arabian Nights of it.' + +I felt extremely flattered by this arrangement, and we commenced +carrying it into execution that very evening. What ravages I committed +on my favourite authors in the course of my interpretation of them, I am +not in a condition to say, and should be very unwilling to know; but +I had a profound faith in them, and I had, to the best of my belief, +a simple, earnest manner of narrating what I did narrate; and these +qualities went a long way. + +The drawback was, that I was often sleepy at night, or out of spirits +and indisposed to resume the story; and then it was rather hard work, +and it must be done; for to disappoint or to displease Steerforth was of +course out of the question. In the morning, too, when I felt weary, and +should have enjoyed another hour's repose very much, it was a tiresome +thing to be roused, like the Sultana Scheherazade, and forced into a +long story before the getting-up bell rang; but Steerforth was resolute; +and as he explained to me, in return, my sums and exercises, and +anything in my tasks that was too hard for me, I was no loser by the +transaction. Let me do myself justice, however. I was moved by no +interested or selfish motive, nor was I moved by fear of him. I admired +and loved him, and his approval was return enough. It was so precious to +me that I look back on these trifles, now, with an aching heart. + +Steerforth was considerate, too; and showed his consideration, in +one particular instance, in an unflinching manner that was a little +tantalizing, I suspect, to poor Traddles and the rest. Peggotty's +promised letter--what a comfortable letter it was!--arrived before +'the half' was many weeks old; and with it a cake in a perfect nest +of oranges, and two bottles of cowslip wine. This treasure, as in duty +bound, I laid at the feet of Steerforth, and begged him to dispense. + +'Now, I'll tell you what, young Copperfield,' said he: 'the wine shall +be kept to wet your whistle when you are story-telling.' + +I blushed at the idea, and begged him, in my modesty, not to think of +it. But he said he had observed I was sometimes hoarse--a little roopy +was his exact expression--and it should be, every drop, devoted to the +purpose he had mentioned. Accordingly, it was locked up in his box, and +drawn off by himself in a phial, and administered to me through a +piece of quill in the cork, when I was supposed to be in want of a +restorative. Sometimes, to make it a more sovereign specific, he was so +kind as to squeeze orange juice into it, or to stir it up with ginger, +or dissolve a peppermint drop in it; and although I cannot assert that +the flavour was improved by these experiments, or that it was exactly +the compound one would have chosen for a stomachic, the last thing at +night and the first thing in the morning, I drank it gratefully and was +very sensible of his attention. + +We seem, to me, to have been months over Peregrine, and months more over +the other stories. The institution never flagged for want of a story, I +am certain; and the wine lasted out almost as well as the matter. Poor +Traddles--I never think of that boy but with a strange disposition to +laugh, and with tears in my eyes--was a sort of chorus, in general; +and affected to be convulsed with mirth at the comic parts, and to be +overcome with fear when there was any passage of an alarming character +in the narrative. This rather put me out, very often. It was a great +jest of his, I recollect, to pretend that he couldn't keep his teeth +from chattering, whenever mention was made of an Alguazill in connexion +with the adventures of Gil Blas; and I remember that when Gil Blas met +the captain of the robbers in Madrid, this unlucky joker counterfeited +such an ague of terror, that he was overheard by Mr. Creakle, who +was prowling about the passage, and handsomely flogged for disorderly +conduct in the bedroom. Whatever I had within me that was romantic and +dreamy, was encouraged by so much story-telling in the dark; and in that +respect the pursuit may not have been very profitable to me. But the +being cherished as a kind of plaything in my room, and the consciousness +that this accomplishment of mine was bruited about among the boys, and +attracted a good deal of notice to me though I was the youngest there, +stimulated me to exertion. In a school carried on by sheer cruelty, +whether it is presided over by a dunce or not, there is not likely to +be much learnt. I believe our boys were, generally, as ignorant a set +as any schoolboys in existence; they were too much troubled and knocked +about to learn; they could no more do that to advantage, than any one +can do anything to advantage in a life of constant misfortune, torment, +and worry. But my little vanity, and Steerforth's help, urged me on +somehow; and without saving me from much, if anything, in the way of +punishment, made me, for the time I was there, an exception to the +general body, insomuch that I did steadily pick up some crumbs of +knowledge. + +In this I was much assisted by Mr. Mell, who had a liking for me that +I am grateful to remember. It always gave me pain to observe that +Steerforth treated him with systematic disparagement, and seldom lost +an occasion of wounding his feelings, or inducing others to do so. +This troubled me the more for a long time, because I had soon told +Steerforth, from whom I could no more keep such a secret, than I could +keep a cake or any other tangible possession, about the two old women +Mr. Mell had taken me to see; and I was always afraid that Steerforth +would let it out, and twit him with it. + +We little thought, any one of us, I dare say, when I ate my breakfast +that first morning, and went to sleep under the shadow of the peacock's +feathers to the sound of the flute, what consequences would come of the +introduction into those alms-houses of my insignificant person. But the +visit had its unforeseen consequences; and of a serious sort, too, in +their way. + +One day when Mr. Creakle kept the house from indisposition, which +naturally diffused a lively joy through the school, there was a good +deal of noise in the course of the morning's work. The great relief and +satisfaction experienced by the boys made them difficult to manage; and +though the dreaded Tungay brought his wooden leg in twice or thrice, and +took notes of the principal offenders' names, no great impression was +made by it, as they were pretty sure of getting into trouble tomorrow, +do what they would, and thought it wise, no doubt, to enjoy themselves +today. + +It was, properly, a half-holiday; being Saturday. But as the noise in +the playground would have disturbed Mr. Creakle, and the weather was +not favourable for going out walking, we were ordered into school in the +afternoon, and set some lighter tasks than usual, which were made for +the occasion. It was the day of the week on which Mr. Sharp went out to +get his wig curled; so Mr. Mell, who always did the drudgery, whatever +it was, kept school by himself. If I could associate the idea of a bull +or a bear with anyone so mild as Mr. Mell, I should think of him, in +connexion with that afternoon when the uproar was at its height, as of +one of those animals, baited by a thousand dogs. I recall him bending +his aching head, supported on his bony hand, over the book on his desk, +and wretchedly endeavouring to get on with his tiresome work, amidst an +uproar that might have made the Speaker of the House of Commons giddy. +Boys started in and out of their places, playing at puss in the corner +with other boys; there were laughing boys, singing boys, talking boys, +dancing boys, howling boys; boys shuffled with their feet, boys whirled +about him, grinning, making faces, mimicking him behind his back and +before his eyes; mimicking his poverty, his boots, his coat, his mother, +everything belonging to him that they should have had consideration for. + +'Silence!' cried Mr. Mell, suddenly rising up, and striking his desk +with the book. 'What does this mean! It's impossible to bear it. It's +maddening. How can you do it to me, boys?' + +It was my book that he struck his desk with; and as I stood beside him, +following his eye as it glanced round the room, I saw the boys all stop, +some suddenly surprised, some half afraid, and some sorry perhaps. + +Steerforth's place was at the bottom of the school, at the opposite end +of the long room. He was lounging with his back against the wall, and +his hands in his pockets, and looked at Mr. Mell with his mouth shut up +as if he were whistling, when Mr. Mell looked at him. + +'Silence, Mr. Steerforth!' said Mr. Mell. + +'Silence yourself,' said Steerforth, turning red. 'Whom are you talking +to?' + +'Sit down,' said Mr. Mell. + +'Sit down yourself,' said Steerforth, 'and mind your business.' + +There was a titter, and some applause; but Mr. Mell was so white, that +silence immediately succeeded; and one boy, who had darted out behind +him to imitate his mother again, changed his mind, and pretended to want +a pen mended. + +'If you think, Steerforth,' said Mr. Mell, 'that I am not acquainted +with the power you can establish over any mind here'--he laid his hand, +without considering what he did (as I supposed), upon my head--'or that +I have not observed you, within a few minutes, urging your juniors on to +every sort of outrage against me, you are mistaken.' + +'I don't give myself the trouble of thinking at all about you,' said +Steerforth, coolly; 'so I'm not mistaken, as it happens.' + +'And when you make use of your position of favouritism here, sir,' +pursued Mr. Mell, with his lip trembling very much, 'to insult a +gentleman--' + +'A what?--where is he?' said Steerforth. + +Here somebody cried out, 'Shame, J. Steerforth! Too bad!' It was +Traddles; whom Mr. Mell instantly discomfited by bidding him hold his +tongue. --'To insult one who is not fortunate in life, sir, and who +never gave you the least offence, and the many reasons for not insulting +whom you are old enough and wise enough to understand,' said Mr. Mell, +with his lips trembling more and more, 'you commit a mean and base +action. You can sit down or stand up as you please, sir. Copperfield, go +on.' + +'Young Copperfield,' said Steerforth, coming forward up the room, +'stop a bit. I tell you what, Mr. Mell, once for all. When you take the +liberty of calling me mean or base, or anything of that sort, you are +an impudent beggar. You are always a beggar, you know; but when you do +that, you are an impudent beggar.' + +I am not clear whether he was going to strike Mr. Mell, or Mr. Mell was +going to strike him, or there was any such intention on either side. +I saw a rigidity come upon the whole school as if they had been turned +into stone, and found Mr. Creakle in the midst of us, with Tungay at his +side, and Mrs. and Miss Creakle looking in at the door as if they were +frightened. Mr. Mell, with his elbows on his desk and his face in his +hands, sat, for some moments, quite still. + +'Mr. Mell,' said Mr. Creakle, shaking him by the arm; and his whisper +was so audible now, that Tungay felt it unnecessary to repeat his words; +'you have not forgotten yourself, I hope?' + +'No, sir, no,' returned the Master, showing his face, and shaking his +head, and rubbing his hands in great agitation. 'No, sir. No. I have +remembered myself, I--no, Mr. Creakle, I have not forgotten myself, I--I +have remembered myself, sir. I--I--could wish you had remembered me a +little sooner, Mr. Creakle. It--it--would have been more kind, sir, more +just, sir. It would have saved me something, sir.' + +Mr. Creakle, looking hard at Mr. Mell, put his hand on Tungay's +shoulder, and got his feet upon the form close by, and sat upon the +desk. After still looking hard at Mr. Mell from his throne, as he +shook his head, and rubbed his hands, and remained in the same state of +agitation, Mr. Creakle turned to Steerforth, and said: + +'Now, sir, as he don't condescend to tell me, what is this?' + +Steerforth evaded the question for a little while; looking in scorn and +anger on his opponent, and remaining silent. I could not help thinking +even in that interval, I remember, what a noble fellow he was in +appearance, and how homely and plain Mr. Mell looked opposed to him. + +'What did he mean by talking about favourites, then?' said Steerforth at +length. + +'Favourites?' repeated Mr. Creakle, with the veins in his forehead +swelling quickly. 'Who talked about favourites?' + +'He did,' said Steerforth. + +'And pray, what did you mean by that, sir?' demanded Mr. Creakle, +turning angrily on his assistant. + +'I meant, Mr. Creakle,' he returned in a low voice, 'as I said; that +no pupil had a right to avail himself of his position of favouritism to +degrade me.' + +'To degrade YOU?' said Mr. Creakle. 'My stars! But give me leave to ask +you, Mr. What's-your-name'; and here Mr. Creakle folded his arms, cane +and all, upon his chest, and made such a knot of his brows that his +little eyes were hardly visible below them; 'whether, when you talk +about favourites, you showed proper respect to me? To me, sir,' said Mr. +Creakle, darting his head at him suddenly, and drawing it back again, +'the principal of this establishment, and your employer.' + +'It was not judicious, sir, I am willing to admit,' said Mr. Mell. 'I +should not have done so, if I had been cool.' + +Here Steerforth struck in. + +'Then he said I was mean, and then he said I was base, and then I called +him a beggar. If I had been cool, perhaps I shouldn't have called him a +beggar. But I did, and I am ready to take the consequences of it.' + +Without considering, perhaps, whether there were any consequences to +be taken, I felt quite in a glow at this gallant speech. It made an +impression on the boys too, for there was a low stir among them, though +no one spoke a word. + +'I am surprised, Steerforth--although your candour does you honour,' +said Mr. Creakle, 'does you honour, certainly--I am surprised, +Steerforth, I must say, that you should attach such an epithet to any +person employed and paid in Salem House, sir.' + +Steerforth gave a short laugh. + +'That's not an answer, sir,' said Mr. Creakle, 'to my remark. I expect +more than that from you, Steerforth.' + +If Mr. Mell looked homely, in my eyes, before the handsome boy, it would +be quite impossible to say how homely Mr. Creakle looked. 'Let him deny +it,' said Steerforth. + +'Deny that he is a beggar, Steerforth?' cried Mr. Creakle. 'Why, where +does he go a-begging?' + +'If he is not a beggar himself, his near relation's one,' said +Steerforth. 'It's all the same.' + +He glanced at me, and Mr. Mell's hand gently patted me upon the +shoulder. I looked up with a flush upon my face and remorse in my heart, +but Mr. Mell's eyes were fixed on Steerforth. He continued to pat me +kindly on the shoulder, but he looked at him. + +'Since you expect me, Mr. Creakle, to justify myself,' said Steerforth, +'and to say what I mean,--what I have to say is, that his mother lives +on charity in an alms-house.' + +Mr. Mell still looked at him, and still patted me kindly on the +shoulder, and said to himself, in a whisper, if I heard right: 'Yes, I +thought so.' + +Mr. Creakle turned to his assistant, with a severe frown and laboured +politeness: + +'Now, you hear what this gentleman says, Mr. Mell. Have the goodness, if +you please, to set him right before the assembled school.' + +'He is right, sir, without correction,' returned Mr. Mell, in the midst +of a dead silence; 'what he has said is true.' + +'Be so good then as declare publicly, will you,' said Mr. Creakle, +putting his head on one side, and rolling his eyes round the school, +'whether it ever came to my knowledge until this moment?' + +'I believe not directly,' he returned. + +'Why, you know not,' said Mr. Creakle. 'Don't you, man?' + +'I apprehend you never supposed my worldly circumstances to be very +good,' replied the assistant. 'You know what my position is, and always +has been, here.' + +'I apprehend, if you come to that,' said Mr. Creakle, with his veins +swelling again bigger than ever, 'that you've been in a wrong position +altogether, and mistook this for a charity school. Mr. Mell, we'll part, +if you please. The sooner the better.' + +'There is no time,' answered Mr. Mell, rising, 'like the present.' + +'Sir, to you!' said Mr. Creakle. + +'I take my leave of you, Mr. Creakle, and all of you,' said Mr. Mell, +glancing round the room, and again patting me gently on the shoulders. +'James Steerforth, the best wish I can leave you is that you may come to +be ashamed of what you have done today. At present I would prefer to see +you anything rather than a friend, to me, or to anyone in whom I feel an +interest.' + +Once more he laid his hand upon my shoulder; and then taking his +flute and a few books from his desk, and leaving the key in it for his +successor, he went out of the school, with his property under his arm. +Mr. Creakle then made a speech, through Tungay, in which he thanked +Steerforth for asserting (though perhaps too warmly) the independence +and respectability of Salem House; and which he wound up by shaking +hands with Steerforth, while we gave three cheers--I did not quite know +what for, but I supposed for Steerforth, and so joined in them ardently, +though I felt miserable. Mr. Creakle then caned Tommy Traddles for +being discovered in tears, instead of cheers, on account of Mr. Mell's +departure; and went back to his sofa, or his bed, or wherever he had +come from. + +We were left to ourselves now, and looked very blank, I recollect, on +one another. For myself, I felt so much self-reproach and contrition for +my part in what had happened, that nothing would have enabled me to keep +back my tears but the fear that Steerforth, who often looked at me, I +saw, might think it unfriendly--or, I should rather say, considering our +relative ages, and the feeling with which I regarded him, undutiful--if +I showed the emotion which distressed me. He was very angry with +Traddles, and said he was glad he had caught it. + +Poor Traddles, who had passed the stage of lying with his head upon the +desk, and was relieving himself as usual with a burst of skeletons, said +he didn't care. Mr. Mell was ill-used. + +'Who has ill-used him, you girl?' said Steerforth. + +'Why, you have,' returned Traddles. + +'What have I done?' said Steerforth. + +'What have you done?' retorted Traddles. 'Hurt his feelings, and lost +him his situation.' + +'His feelings?' repeated Steerforth disdainfully. 'His feelings will +soon get the better of it, I'll be bound. His feelings are not like +yours, Miss Traddles. As to his situation--which was a precious one, +wasn't it?--do you suppose I am not going to write home, and take care +that he gets some money? Polly?' + +We thought this intention very noble in Steerforth, whose mother was +a widow, and rich, and would do almost anything, it was said, that he +asked her. We were all extremely glad to see Traddles so put down, +and exalted Steerforth to the skies: especially when he told us, as he +condescended to do, that what he had done had been done expressly for +us, and for our cause; and that he had conferred a great boon upon us +by unselfishly doing it. But I must say that when I was going on with a +story in the dark that night, Mr. Mell's old flute seemed more than once +to sound mournfully in my ears; and that when at last Steerforth was +tired, and I lay down in my bed, I fancied it playing so sorrowfully +somewhere, that I was quite wretched. + +I soon forgot him in the contemplation of Steerforth, who, in an easy +amateur way, and without any book (he seemed to me to know everything by +heart), took some of his classes until a new master was found. The new +master came from a grammar school; and before he entered on his duties, +dined in the parlour one day, to be introduced to Steerforth. Steerforth +approved of him highly, and told us he was a Brick. Without exactly +understanding what learned distinction was meant by this, I respected +him greatly for it, and had no doubt whatever of his superior knowledge: +though he never took the pains with me--not that I was anybody--that Mr. +Mell had taken. + +There was only one other event in this half-year, out of the daily +school-life, that made an impression upon me which still survives. It +survives for many reasons. + +One afternoon, when we were all harassed into a state of dire confusion, +and Mr. Creakle was laying about him dreadfully, Tungay came in, and +called out in his usual strong way: 'Visitors for Copperfield!' + +A few words were interchanged between him and Mr. Creakle, as, who the +visitors were, and what room they were to be shown into; and then I, who +had, according to custom, stood up on the announcement being made, and +felt quite faint with astonishment, was told to go by the back stairs +and get a clean frill on, before I repaired to the dining-room. These +orders I obeyed, in such a flutter and hurry of my young spirits as +I had never known before; and when I got to the parlour door, and the +thought came into my head that it might be my mother--I had only thought +of Mr. or Miss Murdstone until then--I drew back my hand from the lock, +and stopped to have a sob before I went in. + +At first I saw nobody; but feeling a pressure against the door, I looked +round it, and there, to my amazement, were Mr. Peggotty and Ham, ducking +at me with their hats, and squeezing one another against the wall. I +could not help laughing; but it was much more in the pleasure of seeing +them, than at the appearance they made. We shook hands in a very +cordial way; and I laughed and laughed, until I pulled out my +pocket-handkerchief and wiped my eyes. + +Mr. Peggotty (who never shut his mouth once, I remember, during the +visit) showed great concern when he saw me do this, and nudged Ham to +say something. + +'Cheer up, Mas'r Davy bor'!' said Ham, in his simpering way. 'Why, how +you have growed!' + +'Am I grown?' I said, drying my eyes. I was not crying at anything +in particular that I know of; but somehow it made me cry, to see old +friends. + +'Growed, Mas'r Davy bor'? Ain't he growed!' said Ham. + +'Ain't he growed!' said Mr. Peggotty. + +They made me laugh again by laughing at each other, and then we all +three laughed until I was in danger of crying again. + +'Do you know how mama is, Mr. Peggotty?' I said. 'And how my dear, dear, +old Peggotty is?' + +'Oncommon,' said Mr. Peggotty. + +'And little Em'ly, and Mrs. Gummidge?' + +'On--common,' said Mr. Peggotty. + +There was a silence. Mr. Peggotty, to relieve it, took two prodigious +lobsters, and an enormous crab, and a large canvas bag of shrimps, out +of his pockets, and piled them up in Ham's arms. + +'You see,' said Mr. Peggotty, 'knowing as you was partial to a little +relish with your wittles when you was along with us, we took the +liberty. The old Mawther biled 'em, she did. Mrs. Gummidge biled 'em. +Yes,' said Mr. Peggotty, slowly, who I thought appeared to stick to the +subject on account of having no other subject ready, 'Mrs. Gummidge, I +do assure you, she biled 'em.' + +I expressed my thanks; and Mr. Peggotty, after looking at Ham, who stood +smiling sheepishly over the shellfish, without making any attempt to +help him, said: + +'We come, you see, the wind and tide making in our favour, in one of our +Yarmouth lugs to Gravesen'. My sister she wrote to me the name of this +here place, and wrote to me as if ever I chanced to come to Gravesen', +I was to come over and inquire for Mas'r Davy and give her dooty, +humbly wishing him well and reporting of the fam'ly as they was oncommon +toe-be-sure. Little Em'ly, you see, she'll write to my sister when I go +back, as I see you and as you was similarly oncommon, and so we make it +quite a merry-go-rounder.' + +I was obliged to consider a little before I understood what Mr. Peggotty +meant by this figure, expressive of a complete circle of intelligence. I +then thanked him heartily; and said, with a consciousness of reddening, +that I supposed little Em'ly was altered too, since we used to pick up +shells and pebbles on the beach? + +'She's getting to be a woman, that's wot she's getting to be,' said Mr. +Peggotty. 'Ask HIM.' He meant Ham, who beamed with delight and assent +over the bag of shrimps. + +'Her pretty face!' said Mr. Peggotty, with his own shining like a light. + +'Her learning!' said Ham. + +'Her writing!' said Mr. Peggotty. 'Why it's as black as jet! And so +large it is, you might see it anywheres.' + +It was perfectly delightful to behold with what enthusiasm Mr. Peggotty +became inspired when he thought of his little favourite. He stands +before me again, his bluff hairy face irradiating with a joyful love and +pride, for which I can find no description. His honest eyes fire up, and +sparkle, as if their depths were stirred by something bright. His broad +chest heaves with pleasure. His strong loose hands clench themselves, +in his earnestness; and he emphasizes what he says with a right arm that +shows, in my pigmy view, like a sledge-hammer. + +Ham was quite as earnest as he. I dare say they would have said much +more about her, if they had not been abashed by the unexpected coming in +of Steerforth, who, seeing me in a corner speaking with two strangers, +stopped in a song he was singing, and said: 'I didn't know you were +here, young Copperfield!' (for it was not the usual visiting room) and +crossed by us on his way out. + +I am not sure whether it was in the pride of having such a friend as +Steerforth, or in the desire to explain to him how I came to have such a +friend as Mr. Peggotty, that I called to him as he was going away. But I +said, modestly--Good Heaven, how it all comes back to me this long time +afterwards--! + +'Don't go, Steerforth, if you please. These are two Yarmouth +boatmen--very kind, good people--who are relations of my nurse, and have +come from Gravesend to see me.' + +'Aye, aye?' said Steerforth, returning. 'I am glad to see them. How are +you both?' + +There was an ease in his manner--a gay and light manner it was, but not +swaggering--which I still believe to have borne a kind of enchantment +with it. I still believe him, in virtue of this carriage, his animal +spirits, his delightful voice, his handsome face and figure, and, for +aught I know, of some inborn power of attraction besides (which I think +a few people possess), to have carried a spell with him to which it was +a natural weakness to yield, and which not many persons could withstand. +I could not but see how pleased they were with him, and how they seemed +to open their hearts to him in a moment. + +'You must let them know at home, if you please, Mr. Peggotty,' I said, +'when that letter is sent, that Mr. Steerforth is very kind to me, and +that I don't know what I should ever do here without him.' + +'Nonsense!' said Steerforth, laughing. 'You mustn't tell them anything +of the sort.' + +'And if Mr. Steerforth ever comes into Norfolk or Suffolk, Mr. +Peggotty,' I said, 'while I am there, you may depend upon it I shall +bring him to Yarmouth, if he will let me, to see your house. You never +saw such a good house, Steerforth. It's made out of a boat!' + +'Made out of a boat, is it?' said Steerforth. 'It's the right sort of a +house for such a thorough-built boatman.' + +'So 'tis, sir, so 'tis, sir,' said Ham, grinning. 'You're right, young +gen'l'm'n! Mas'r Davy bor', gen'l'm'n's right. A thorough-built boatman! +Hor, hor! That's what he is, too!' + +Mr. Peggotty was no less pleased than his nephew, though his modesty +forbade him to claim a personal compliment so vociferously. + +'Well, sir,' he said, bowing and chuckling, and tucking in the ends +of his neckerchief at his breast: 'I thankee, sir, I thankee! I do my +endeavours in my line of life, sir.' + +'The best of men can do no more, Mr. Peggotty,' said Steerforth. He had +got his name already. + +'I'll pound it, it's wot you do yourself, sir,' said Mr. Peggotty, +shaking his head, 'and wot you do well--right well! I thankee, sir. I'm +obleeged to you, sir, for your welcoming manner of me. I'm rough, sir, +but I'm ready--least ways, I hope I'm ready, you unnerstand. My house +ain't much for to see, sir, but it's hearty at your service if ever you +should come along with Mas'r Davy to see it. I'm a reg'lar Dodman, +I am,' said Mr. Peggotty, by which he meant snail, and this was in +allusion to his being slow to go, for he had attempted to go after every +sentence, and had somehow or other come back again; 'but I wish you both +well, and I wish you happy!' + +Ham echoed this sentiment, and we parted with them in the heartiest +manner. I was almost tempted that evening to tell Steerforth about +pretty little Em'ly, but I was too timid of mentioning her name, and +too much afraid of his laughing at me. I remember that I thought a good +deal, and in an uneasy sort of way, about Mr. Peggotty having said that +she was getting on to be a woman; but I decided that was nonsense. + +We transported the shellfish, or the 'relish' as Mr. Peggotty had +modestly called it, up into our room unobserved, and made a great supper +that evening. But Traddles couldn't get happily out of it. He was too +unfortunate even to come through a supper like anybody else. He was +taken ill in the night--quite prostrate he was--in consequence of Crab; +and after being drugged with black draughts and blue pills, to an extent +which Demple (whose father was a doctor) said was enough to undermine +a horse's constitution, received a caning and six chapters of Greek +Testament for refusing to confess. + +The rest of the half-year is a jumble in my recollection of the daily +strife and struggle of our lives; of the waning summer and the changing +season; of the frosty mornings when we were rung out of bed, and the +cold, cold smell of the dark nights when we were rung into bed again; of +the evening schoolroom dimly lighted and indifferently warmed, and the +morning schoolroom which was nothing but a great shivering-machine; of +the alternation of boiled beef with roast beef, and boiled mutton with +roast mutton; of clods of bread-and-butter, dog's-eared lesson-books, +cracked slates, tear-blotted copy-books, canings, rulerings, +hair-cuttings, rainy Sundays, suet-puddings, and a dirty atmosphere of +ink, surrounding all. + +I well remember though, how the distant idea of the holidays, after +seeming for an immense time to be a stationary speck, began to come +towards us, and to grow and grow. How from counting months, we came to +weeks, and then to days; and how I then began to be afraid that I should +not be sent for and when I learnt from Steerforth that I had been sent +for, and was certainly to go home, had dim forebodings that I might +break my leg first. How the breaking-up day changed its place fast, at +last, from the week after next to next week, this week, the day after +tomorrow, tomorrow, today, tonight--when I was inside the Yarmouth mail, +and going home. + +I had many a broken sleep inside the Yarmouth mail, and many an +incoherent dream of all these things. But when I awoke at intervals, the +ground outside the window was not the playground of Salem House, and the +sound in my ears was not the sound of Mr. Creakle giving it to Traddles, +but the sound of the coachman touching up the horses. + + + +CHAPTER 8. MY HOLIDAYS. ESPECIALLY ONE HAPPY AFTERNOON + + +When we arrived before day at the inn where the mail stopped, which was +not the inn where my friend the waiter lived, I was shown up to a nice +little bedroom, with DOLPHIN painted on the door. Very cold I was, I +know, notwithstanding the hot tea they had given me before a large fire +downstairs; and very glad I was to turn into the Dolphin's bed, pull the +Dolphin's blankets round my head, and go to sleep. + +Mr. Barkis the carrier was to call for me in the morning at nine +o'clock. I got up at eight, a little giddy from the shortness of my +night's rest, and was ready for him before the appointed time. He +received me exactly as if not five minutes had elapsed since we were +last together, and I had only been into the hotel to get change for +sixpence, or something of that sort. + +As soon as I and my box were in the cart, and the carrier seated, the +lazy horse walked away with us all at his accustomed pace. + +'You look very well, Mr. Barkis,' I said, thinking he would like to know +it. + +Mr. Barkis rubbed his cheek with his cuff, and then looked at his cuff +as if he expected to find some of the bloom upon it; but made no other +acknowledgement of the compliment. + +'I gave your message, Mr. Barkis,' I said: 'I wrote to Peggotty.' + +'Ah!' said Mr. Barkis. + +Mr. Barkis seemed gruff, and answered drily. + +'Wasn't it right, Mr. Barkis?' I asked, after a little hesitation. + +'Why, no,' said Mr. Barkis. + +'Not the message?' + +'The message was right enough, perhaps,' said Mr. Barkis; 'but it come +to an end there.' + +Not understanding what he meant, I repeated inquisitively: 'Came to an +end, Mr. Barkis?' + +'Nothing come of it,' he explained, looking at me sideways. 'No answer.' + +'There was an answer expected, was there, Mr. Barkis?' said I, opening +my eyes. For this was a new light to me. + +'When a man says he's willin',' said Mr. Barkis, turning his glance +slowly on me again, 'it's as much as to say, that man's a-waitin' for a +answer.' + +'Well, Mr. Barkis?' + +'Well,' said Mr. Barkis, carrying his eyes back to his horse's ears; +'that man's been a-waitin' for a answer ever since.' + +'Have you told her so, Mr. Barkis?' + +'No--no,' growled Mr. Barkis, reflecting about it. 'I ain't got no call +to go and tell her so. I never said six words to her myself, I ain't +a-goin' to tell her so.' + +'Would you like me to do it, Mr. Barkis?' said I, doubtfully. 'You might +tell her, if you would,' said Mr. Barkis, with another slow look at me, +'that Barkis was a-waitin' for a answer. Says you--what name is it?' + +'Her name?' + +'Ah!' said Mr. Barkis, with a nod of his head. + +'Peggotty.' + +'Chrisen name? Or nat'ral name?' said Mr. Barkis. + +'Oh, it's not her Christian name. Her Christian name is Clara.' + +'Is it though?' said Mr. Barkis. + +He seemed to find an immense fund of reflection in this circumstance, +and sat pondering and inwardly whistling for some time. + +'Well!' he resumed at length. 'Says you, "Peggotty! Barkis is waitin' +for a answer." Says she, perhaps, "Answer to what?" Says you, "To what I +told you." "What is that?" says she. "Barkis is willin'," says you.' + +This extremely artful suggestion Mr. Barkis accompanied with a nudge +of his elbow that gave me quite a stitch in my side. After that, he +slouched over his horse in his usual manner; and made no other reference +to the subject except, half an hour afterwards, taking a piece of chalk +from his pocket, and writing up, inside the tilt of the cart, 'Clara +Peggotty'--apparently as a private memorandum. + +Ah, what a strange feeling it was to be going home when it was not home, +and to find that every object I looked at, reminded me of the happy old +home, which was like a dream I could never dream again! The days when my +mother and I and Peggotty were all in all to one another, and there was +no one to come between us, rose up before me so sorrowfully on the road, +that I am not sure I was glad to be there--not sure but that I would +rather have remained away, and forgotten it in Steerforth's company. But +there I was; and soon I was at our house, where the bare old elm-trees +wrung their many hands in the bleak wintry air, and shreds of the old +rooks'-nests drifted away upon the wind. + +The carrier put my box down at the garden-gate, and left me. I walked +along the path towards the house, glancing at the windows, and fearing +at every step to see Mr. Murdstone or Miss Murdstone lowering out of +one of them. No face appeared, however; and being come to the house, and +knowing how to open the door, before dark, without knocking, I went in +with a quiet, timid step. + +God knows how infantine the memory may have been, that was awakened +within me by the sound of my mother's voice in the old parlour, when I +set foot in the hall. She was singing in a low tone. I think I must have +lain in her arms, and heard her singing so to me when I was but a baby. +The strain was new to me, and yet it was so old that it filled my heart +brim-full; like a friend come back from a long absence. + +I believed, from the solitary and thoughtful way in which my mother +murmured her song, that she was alone. And I went softly into the room. +She was sitting by the fire, suckling an infant, whose tiny hand she +held against her neck. Her eyes were looking down upon its face, and she +sat singing to it. I was so far right, that she had no other companion. + +I spoke to her, and she started, and cried out. But seeing me, she +called me her dear Davy, her own boy! and coming half across the room +to meet me, kneeled down upon the ground and kissed me, and laid my head +down on her bosom near the little creature that was nestling there, and +put its hand to my lips. + +I wish I had died. I wish I had died then, with that feeling in my +heart! I should have been more fit for Heaven than I ever have been +since. + +'He is your brother,' said my mother, fondling me. 'Davy, my pretty boy! +My poor child!' Then she kissed me more and more, and clasped me round +the neck. This she was doing when Peggotty came running in, and bounced +down on the ground beside us, and went mad about us both for a quarter +of an hour. + +It seemed that I had not been expected so soon, the carrier being much +before his usual time. It seemed, too, that Mr. and Miss Murdstone had +gone out upon a visit in the neighbourhood, and would not return before +night. I had never hoped for this. I had never thought it possible that +we three could be together undisturbed, once more; and I felt, for the +time, as if the old days were come back. + +We dined together by the fireside. Peggotty was in attendance to wait +upon us, but my mother wouldn't let her do it, and made her dine with +us. I had my own old plate, with a brown view of a man-of-war in full +sail upon it, which Peggotty had hoarded somewhere all the time I +had been away, and would not have had broken, she said, for a hundred +pounds. I had my own old mug with David on it, and my own old little +knife and fork that wouldn't cut. + +While we were at table, I thought it a favourable occasion to tell +Peggotty about Mr. Barkis, who, before I had finished what I had to tell +her, began to laugh, and throw her apron over her face. + +'Peggotty,' said my mother. 'What's the matter?' + +Peggotty only laughed the more, and held her apron tight over her face +when my mother tried to pull it away, and sat as if her head were in a +bag. + +'What are you doing, you stupid creature?' said my mother, laughing. + +'Oh, drat the man!' cried Peggotty. 'He wants to marry me.' + +'It would be a very good match for you; wouldn't it?' said my mother. + +'Oh! I don't know,' said Peggotty. 'Don't ask me. I wouldn't have him if +he was made of gold. Nor I wouldn't have anybody.' + +'Then, why don't you tell him so, you ridiculous thing?' said my mother. + +'Tell him so,' retorted Peggotty, looking out of her apron. 'He has +never said a word to me about it. He knows better. If he was to make so +bold as say a word to me, I should slap his face.' + +Her own was as red as ever I saw it, or any other face, I think; but she +only covered it again, for a few moments at a time, when she was taken +with a violent fit of laughter; and after two or three of those attacks, +went on with her dinner. + +I remarked that my mother, though she smiled when Peggotty looked at +her, became more serious and thoughtful. I had seen at first that she +was changed. Her face was very pretty still, but it looked careworn, and +too delicate; and her hand was so thin and white that it seemed to me +to be almost transparent. But the change to which I now refer was +superadded to this: it was in her manner, which became anxious and +fluttered. At last she said, putting out her hand, and laying it +affectionately on the hand of her old servant, + +'Peggotty, dear, you are not going to be married?' + +'Me, ma'am?' returned Peggotty, staring. 'Lord bless you, no!' + +'Not just yet?' said my mother, tenderly. + +'Never!' cried Peggotty. + +My mother took her hand, and said: + +'Don't leave me, Peggotty. Stay with me. It will not be for long, +perhaps. What should I ever do without you!' + +'Me leave you, my precious!' cried Peggotty. 'Not for all the world and +his wife. Why, what's put that in your silly little head?'--For Peggotty +had been used of old to talk to my mother sometimes like a child. + +But my mother made no answer, except to thank her, and Peggotty went +running on in her own fashion. + +'Me leave you? I think I see myself. Peggotty go away from you? I should +like to catch her at it! No, no, no,' said Peggotty, shaking her head, +and folding her arms; 'not she, my dear. It isn't that there ain't some +Cats that would be well enough pleased if she did, but they sha'n't be +pleased. They shall be aggravated. I'll stay with you till I am a cross +cranky old woman. And when I'm too deaf, and too lame, and too blind, +and too mumbly for want of teeth, to be of any use at all, even to be +found fault with, than I shall go to my Davy, and ask him to take me +in.' + +'And, Peggotty,' says I, 'I shall be glad to see you, and I'll make you +as welcome as a queen.' + +'Bless your dear heart!' cried Peggotty. 'I know you will!' And she +kissed me beforehand, in grateful acknowledgement of my hospitality. +After that, she covered her head up with her apron again and had another +laugh about Mr. Barkis. After that, she took the baby out of its little +cradle, and nursed it. After that, she cleared the dinner table; +after that, came in with another cap on, and her work-box, and the +yard-measure, and the bit of wax-candle, all just the same as ever. + +We sat round the fire, and talked delightfully. I told them what a hard +master Mr. Creakle was, and they pitied me very much. I told them what a +fine fellow Steerforth was, and what a patron of mine, and Peggotty said +she would walk a score of miles to see him. I took the little baby in +my arms when it was awake, and nursed it lovingly. When it was asleep +again, I crept close to my mother's side according to my old custom, +broken now a long time, and sat with my arms embracing her waist, and my +little red cheek on her shoulder, and once more felt her beautiful +hair drooping over me--like an angel's wing as I used to think, I +recollect--and was very happy indeed. + +While I sat thus, looking at the fire, and seeing pictures in the +red-hot coals, I almost believed that I had never been away; that Mr. +and Miss Murdstone were such pictures, and would vanish when the fire +got low; and that there was nothing real in all that I remembered, save +my mother, Peggotty, and I. + +Peggotty darned away at a stocking as long as she could see, and then +sat with it drawn on her left hand like a glove, and her needle in her +right, ready to take another stitch whenever there was a blaze. I cannot +conceive whose stockings they can have been that Peggotty was always +darning, or where such an unfailing supply of stockings in want of +darning can have come from. From my earliest infancy she seems to have +been always employed in that class of needlework, and never by any +chance in any other. + +'I wonder,' said Peggotty, who was sometimes seized with a fit of +wondering on some most unexpected topic, 'what's become of Davy's +great-aunt?' 'Lor, Peggotty!' observed my mother, rousing herself from a +reverie, 'what nonsense you talk!' + +'Well, but I really do wonder, ma'am,' said Peggotty. + +'What can have put such a person in your head?' inquired my mother. 'Is +there nobody else in the world to come there?' + +'I don't know how it is,' said Peggotty, 'unless it's on account of +being stupid, but my head never can pick and choose its people. They +come and they go, and they don't come and they don't go, just as they +like. I wonder what's become of her?' + +'How absurd you are, Peggotty!' returned my mother. 'One would suppose +you wanted a second visit from her.' + +'Lord forbid!' cried Peggotty. + +'Well then, don't talk about such uncomfortable things, there's a good +soul,' said my mother. 'Miss Betsey is shut up in her cottage by the +sea, no doubt, and will remain there. At all events, she is not likely +ever to trouble us again.' + +'No!' mused Peggotty. 'No, that ain't likely at all.---I wonder, if she +was to die, whether she'd leave Davy anything?' + +'Good gracious me, Peggotty,' returned my mother, 'what a nonsensical +woman you are! when you know that she took offence at the poor dear +boy's ever being born at all.' + +'I suppose she wouldn't be inclined to forgive him now,' hinted +Peggotty. + +'Why should she be inclined to forgive him now?' said my mother, rather +sharply. + +'Now that he's got a brother, I mean,' said Peggotty. + +My mother immediately began to cry, and wondered how Peggotty dared to +say such a thing. + +'As if this poor little innocent in its cradle had ever done any harm to +you or anybody else, you jealous thing!' said she. 'You had much better +go and marry Mr. Barkis, the carrier. Why don't you?' + +'I should make Miss Murdstone happy, if I was to,' said Peggotty. + +'What a bad disposition you have, Peggotty!' returned my mother. 'You +are as jealous of Miss Murdstone as it is possible for a ridiculous +creature to be. You want to keep the keys yourself, and give out all the +things, I suppose? I shouldn't be surprised if you did. When you know +that she only does it out of kindness and the best intentions! You know +she does, Peggotty--you know it well.' + +Peggotty muttered something to the effect of 'Bother the best +intentions!' and something else to the effect that there was a little +too much of the best intentions going on. + +'I know what you mean, you cross thing,' said my mother. 'I understand +you, Peggotty, perfectly. You know I do, and I wonder you don't colour +up like fire. But one point at a time. Miss Murdstone is the point now, +Peggotty, and you sha'n't escape from it. Haven't you heard her +say, over and over again, that she thinks I am too thoughtless and +too--a--a--' + +'Pretty,' suggested Peggotty. + +'Well,' returned my mother, half laughing, 'and if she is so silly as to +say so, can I be blamed for it?' + +'No one says you can,' said Peggotty. + +'No, I should hope not, indeed!' returned my mother. 'Haven't you heard +her say, over and over again, that on this account she wished to spare +me a great deal of trouble, which she thinks I am not suited for, and +which I really don't know myself that I AM suited for; and isn't she up +early and late, and going to and fro continually--and doesn't she do +all sorts of things, and grope into all sorts of places, coal-holes and +pantries and I don't know where, that can't be very agreeable--and do +you mean to insinuate that there is not a sort of devotion in that?' + +'I don't insinuate at all,' said Peggotty. + +'You do, Peggotty,' returned my mother. 'You never do anything else, +except your work. You are always insinuating. You revel in it. And when +you talk of Mr. Murdstone's good intentions--' + +'I never talked of 'em,' said Peggotty. + +'No, Peggotty,' returned my mother, 'but you insinuated. That's what I +told you just now. That's the worst of you. You WILL insinuate. I said, +at the moment, that I understood you, and you see I did. When you talk +of Mr. Murdstone's good intentions, and pretend to slight them (for I +don't believe you really do, in your heart, Peggotty), you must be as +well convinced as I am how good they are, and how they actuate him in +everything. If he seems to have been at all stern with a certain person, +Peggotty--you understand, and so I am sure does Davy, that I am not +alluding to anybody present--it is solely because he is satisfied that +it is for a certain person's benefit. He naturally loves a certain +person, on my account; and acts solely for a certain person's good. He +is better able to judge of it than I am; for I very well know that I am +a weak, light, girlish creature, and that he is a firm, grave, serious +man. And he takes,' said my mother, with the tears which were engendered +in her affectionate nature, stealing down her face, 'he takes great +pains with me; and I ought to be very thankful to him, and very +submissive to him even in my thoughts; and when I am not, Peggotty, I +worry and condemn myself, and feel doubtful of my own heart, and don't +know what to do.' + +Peggotty sat with her chin on the foot of the stocking, looking silently +at the fire. + +'There, Peggotty,' said my mother, changing her tone, 'don't let us fall +out with one another, for I couldn't bear it. You are my true friend, I +know, if I have any in the world. When I call you a ridiculous creature, +or a vexatious thing, or anything of that sort, Peggotty, I only mean +that you are my true friend, and always have been, ever since the night +when Mr. Copperfield first brought me home here, and you came out to the +gate to meet me.' + +Peggotty was not slow to respond, and ratify the treaty of friendship by +giving me one of her best hugs. I think I had some glimpses of the real +character of this conversation at the time; but I am sure, now, that +the good creature originated it, and took her part in it, merely that +my mother might comfort herself with the little contradictory summary in +which she had indulged. The design was efficacious; for I remember that +my mother seemed more at ease during the rest of the evening, and that +Peggotty observed her less. + +When we had had our tea, and the ashes were thrown up, and the candles +snuffed, I read Peggotty a chapter out of the Crocodile Book, in +remembrance of old times--she took it out of her pocket: I don't know +whether she had kept it there ever since--and then we talked about Salem +House, which brought me round again to Steerforth, who was my great +subject. We were very happy; and that evening, as the last of its race, +and destined evermore to close that volume of my life, will never pass +out of my memory. + +It was almost ten o'clock before we heard the sound of wheels. We all +got up then; and my mother said hurriedly that, as it was so late, and +Mr. and Miss Murdstone approved of early hours for young people, perhaps +I had better go to bed. I kissed her, and went upstairs with my candle +directly, before they came in. It appeared to my childish fancy, as I +ascended to the bedroom where I had been imprisoned, that they brought +a cold blast of air into the house which blew away the old familiar +feeling like a feather. + +I felt uncomfortable about going down to breakfast in the morning, as +I had never set eyes on Mr. Murdstone since the day when I committed my +memorable offence. However, as it must be done, I went down, after two +or three false starts half-way, and as many runs back on tiptoe to my +own room, and presented myself in the parlour. + +He was standing before the fire with his back to it, while Miss +Murdstone made the tea. He looked at me steadily as I entered, but made +no sign of recognition whatever. I went up to him, after a moment of +confusion, and said: 'I beg your pardon, sir. I am very sorry for what I +did, and I hope you will forgive me.' + +'I am glad to hear you are sorry, David,' he replied. + +The hand he gave me was the hand I had bitten. I could not restrain my +eye from resting for an instant on a red spot upon it; but it was not so +red as I turned, when I met that sinister expression in his face. + +'How do you do, ma'am?' I said to Miss Murdstone. + +'Ah, dear me!' sighed Miss Murdstone, giving me the tea-caddy scoop +instead of her fingers. 'How long are the holidays?' + +'A month, ma'am.' + +'Counting from when?' + +'From today, ma'am.' + +'Oh!' said Miss Murdstone. 'Then here's one day off.' + +She kept a calendar of the holidays in this way, and every morning +checked a day off in exactly the same manner. She did it gloomily until +she came to ten, but when she got into two figures she became more +hopeful, and, as the time advanced, even jocular. + +It was on this very first day that I had the misfortune to throw her, +though she was not subject to such weakness in general, into a state of +violent consternation. I came into the room where she and my mother +were sitting; and the baby (who was only a few weeks old) being on +my mother's lap, I took it very carefully in my arms. Suddenly Miss +Murdstone gave such a scream that I all but dropped it. + +'My dear Jane!' cried my mother. + +'Good heavens, Clara, do you see?' exclaimed Miss Murdstone. + +'See what, my dear Jane?' said my mother; 'where?' + +'He's got it!' cried Miss Murdstone. 'The boy has got the baby!' + +She was limp with horror; but stiffened herself to make a dart at me, +and take it out of my arms. Then, she turned faint; and was so very +ill that they were obliged to give her cherry brandy. I was solemnly +interdicted by her, on her recovery, from touching my brother any more +on any pretence whatever; and my poor mother, who, I could see, wished +otherwise, meekly confirmed the interdict, by saying: 'No doubt you are +right, my dear Jane.' + +On another occasion, when we three were together, this same dear +baby--it was truly dear to me, for our mother's sake--was the innocent +occasion of Miss Murdstone's going into a passion. My mother, who had +been looking at its eyes as it lay upon her lap, said: + +'Davy! come here!' and looked at mine. + +I saw Miss Murdstone lay her beads down. + +'I declare,' said my mother, gently, 'they are exactly alike. I suppose +they are mine. I think they are the colour of mine. But they are +wonderfully alike.' + +'What are you talking about, Clara?' said Miss Murdstone. + +'My dear Jane,' faltered my mother, a little abashed by the harsh tone +of this inquiry, 'I find that the baby's eyes and Davy's are exactly +alike.' + +'Clara!' said Miss Murdstone, rising angrily, 'you are a positive fool +sometimes.' + +'My dear Jane,' remonstrated my mother. + +'A positive fool,' said Miss Murdstone. 'Who else could compare my +brother's baby with your boy? They are not at all alike. They are +exactly unlike. They are utterly dissimilar in all respects. I hope +they will ever remain so. I will not sit here, and hear such comparisons +made.' With that she stalked out, and made the door bang after her. + +In short, I was not a favourite with Miss Murdstone. In short, I was not +a favourite there with anybody, not even with myself; for those who did +like me could not show it, and those who did not, showed it so plainly +that I had a sensitive consciousness of always appearing constrained, +boorish, and dull. + +I felt that I made them as uncomfortable as they made me. If I came into +the room where they were, and they were talking together and my mother +seemed cheerful, an anxious cloud would steal over her face from the +moment of my entrance. If Mr. Murdstone were in his best humour, I +checked him. If Miss Murdstone were in her worst, I intensified it. I +had perception enough to know that my mother was the victim always; that +she was afraid to speak to me or to be kind to me, lest she should +give them some offence by her manner of doing so, and receive a +lecture afterwards; that she was not only ceaselessly afraid of her own +offending, but of my offending, and uneasily watched their looks if I +only moved. Therefore I resolved to keep myself as much out of their way +as I could; and many a wintry hour did I hear the church clock strike, +when I was sitting in my cheerless bedroom, wrapped in my little +great-coat, poring over a book. + +In the evening, sometimes, I went and sat with Peggotty in the kitchen. +There I was comfortable, and not afraid of being myself. But neither of +these resources was approved of in the parlour. The tormenting humour +which was dominant there stopped them both. I was still held to be +necessary to my poor mother's training, and, as one of her trials, could +not be suffered to absent myself. + +'David,' said Mr. Murdstone, one day after dinner when I was going to +leave the room as usual; 'I am sorry to observe that you are of a sullen +disposition.' + +'As sulky as a bear!' said Miss Murdstone. + +I stood still, and hung my head. + +'Now, David,' said Mr. Murdstone, 'a sullen obdurate disposition is, of +all tempers, the worst.' + +'And the boy's is, of all such dispositions that ever I have seen,' +remarked his sister, 'the most confirmed and stubborn. I think, my dear +Clara, even you must observe it?' + +'I beg your pardon, my dear Jane,' said my mother, 'but are you quite +sure--I am certain you'll excuse me, my dear Jane--that you understand +Davy?' + +'I should be somewhat ashamed of myself, Clara,' returned Miss +Murdstone, 'if I could not understand the boy, or any boy. I don't +profess to be profound; but I do lay claim to common sense.' + +'No doubt, my dear Jane,' returned my mother, 'your understanding is +very vigorous--' + +'Oh dear, no! Pray don't say that, Clara,' interposed Miss Murdstone, +angrily. + +'But I am sure it is,' resumed my mother; 'and everybody knows it is. I +profit so much by it myself, in many ways--at least I ought to--that no +one can be more convinced of it than myself; and therefore I speak with +great diffidence, my dear Jane, I assure you.' + +'We'll say I don't understand the boy, Clara,' returned Miss Murdstone, +arranging the little fetters on her wrists. 'We'll agree, if you please, +that I don't understand him at all. He is much too deep for me. But +perhaps my brother's penetration may enable him to have some insight +into his character. And I believe my brother was speaking on the subject +when we--not very decently--interrupted him.' + +'I think, Clara,' said Mr. Murdstone, in a low grave voice, 'that there +may be better and more dispassionate judges of such a question than +you.' + +'Edward,' replied my mother, timidly, 'you are a far better judge of all +questions than I pretend to be. Both you and Jane are. I only said--' + +'You only said something weak and inconsiderate,' he replied. 'Try not +to do it again, my dear Clara, and keep a watch upon yourself.' + +My mother's lips moved, as if she answered 'Yes, my dear Edward,' but +she said nothing aloud. + +'I was sorry, David, I remarked,' said Mr. Murdstone, turning his head +and his eyes stiffly towards me, 'to observe that you are of a sullen +disposition. This is not a character that I can suffer to develop itself +beneath my eyes without an effort at improvement. You must endeavour, +sir, to change it. We must endeavour to change it for you.' + +'I beg your pardon, sir,' I faltered. 'I have never meant to be sullen +since I came back.' + +'Don't take refuge in a lie, sir!' he returned so fiercely, that I saw +my mother involuntarily put out her trembling hand as if to interpose +between us. 'You have withdrawn yourself in your sullenness to your own +room. You have kept your own room when you ought to have been here. You +know now, once for all, that I require you to be here, and not there. +Further, that I require you to bring obedience here. You know me, David. +I will have it done.' + +Miss Murdstone gave a hoarse chuckle. + +'I will have a respectful, prompt, and ready bearing towards myself,' he +continued, 'and towards Jane Murdstone, and towards your mother. I will +not have this room shunned as if it were infected, at the pleasure of a +child. Sit down.' + +He ordered me like a dog, and I obeyed like a dog. + +'One thing more,' he said. 'I observe that you have an attachment to low +and common company. You are not to associate with servants. The +kitchen will not improve you, in the many respects in which you need +improvement. Of the woman who abets you, I say nothing--since you, +Clara,' addressing my mother in a lower voice, 'from old associations +and long-established fancies, have a weakness respecting her which is +not yet overcome.' + +'A most unaccountable delusion it is!' cried Miss Murdstone. + +'I only say,' he resumed, addressing me, 'that I disapprove of your +preferring such company as Mistress Peggotty, and that it is to be +abandoned. Now, David, you understand me, and you know what will be the +consequence if you fail to obey me to the letter.' + +I knew well--better perhaps than he thought, as far as my poor mother +was concerned--and I obeyed him to the letter. I retreated to my own +room no more; I took refuge with Peggotty no more; but sat wearily in +the parlour day after day, looking forward to night, and bedtime. + +What irksome constraint I underwent, sitting in the same attitude hours +upon hours, afraid to move an arm or a leg lest Miss Murdstone should +complain (as she did on the least pretence) of my restlessness, and +afraid to move an eye lest she should light on some look of dislike +or scrutiny that would find new cause for complaint in mine! What +intolerable dulness to sit listening to the ticking of the clock; and +watching Miss Murdstone's little shiny steel beads as she strung them; +and wondering whether she would ever be married, and if so, to what +sort of unhappy man; and counting the divisions in the moulding of the +chimney-piece; and wandering away, with my eyes, to the ceiling, among +the curls and corkscrews in the paper on the wall! + +What walks I took alone, down muddy lanes, in the bad winter weather, +carrying that parlour, and Mr. and Miss Murdstone in it, everywhere: a +monstrous load that I was obliged to bear, a daymare that there was +no possibility of breaking in, a weight that brooded on my wits, and +blunted them! + +What meals I had in silence and embarrassment, always feeling that there +were a knife and fork too many, and that mine; an appetite too many, and +that mine; a plate and chair too many, and those mine; a somebody too +many, and that I! + +What evenings, when the candles came, and I was expected to employ +myself, but, not daring to read an entertaining book, pored over some +hard-headed, harder-hearted treatise on arithmetic; when the tables of +weights and measures set themselves to tunes, as 'Rule Britannia', or +'Away with Melancholy'; when they wouldn't stand still to be learnt, but +would go threading my grandmother's needle through my unfortunate head, +in at one ear and out at the other! What yawns and dozes I lapsed into, +in spite of all my care; what starts I came out of concealed sleeps +with; what answers I never got, to little observations that I rarely +made; what a blank space I seemed, which everybody overlooked, and +yet was in everybody's way; what a heavy relief it was to hear Miss +Murdstone hail the first stroke of nine at night, and order me to bed! + +Thus the holidays lagged away, until the morning came when Miss +Murdstone said: 'Here's the last day off!' and gave me the closing cup +of tea of the vacation. + +I was not sorry to go. I had lapsed into a stupid state; but I was +recovering a little and looking forward to Steerforth, albeit Mr. +Creakle loomed behind him. Again Mr. Barkis appeared at the gate, and +again Miss Murdstone in her warning voice, said: 'Clara!' when my mother +bent over me, to bid me farewell. + +I kissed her, and my baby brother, and was very sorry then; but not +sorry to go away, for the gulf between us was there, and the parting was +there, every day. And it is not so much the embrace she gave me, that +lives in my mind, though it was as fervent as could be, as what followed +the embrace. + +I was in the carrier's cart when I heard her calling to me. I looked +out, and she stood at the garden-gate alone, holding her baby up in her +arms for me to see. It was cold still weather; and not a hair of her +head, nor a fold of her dress, was stirred, as she looked intently at +me, holding up her child. + +So I lost her. So I saw her afterwards, in my sleep at school--a silent +presence near my bed--looking at me with the same intent face--holding +up her baby in her arms. + + + +CHAPTER 9. I HAVE A MEMORABLE BIRTHDAY + + +I PASS over all that happened at school, until the anniversary of my +birthday came round in March. Except that Steerforth was more to be +admired than ever, I remember nothing. He was going away at the end of +the half-year, if not sooner, and was more spirited and independent than +before in my eyes, and therefore more engaging than before; but beyond +this I remember nothing. The great remembrance by which that time is +marked in my mind, seems to have swallowed up all lesser recollections, +and to exist alone. + +It is even difficult for me to believe that there was a gap of full +two months between my return to Salem House and the arrival of that +birthday. I can only understand that the fact was so, because I know it +must have been so; otherwise I should feel convinced that there was no +interval, and that the one occasion trod upon the other's heels. + +How well I recollect the kind of day it was! I smell the fog that hung +about the place; I see the hoar frost, ghostly, through it; I feel my +rimy hair fall clammy on my cheek; I look along the dim perspective of +the schoolroom, with a sputtering candle here and there to light up the +foggy morning, and the breath of the boys wreathing and smoking in the +raw cold as they blow upon their fingers, and tap their feet upon the +floor. It was after breakfast, and we had been summoned in from the +playground, when Mr. Sharp entered and said: + +'David Copperfield is to go into the parlour.' + +I expected a hamper from Peggotty, and brightened at the order. Some +of the boys about me put in their claim not to be forgotten in the +distribution of the good things, as I got out of my seat with great +alacrity. + +'Don't hurry, David,' said Mr. Sharp. 'There's time enough, my boy, +don't hurry.' + +I might have been surprised by the feeling tone in which he spoke, if I +had given it a thought; but I gave it none until afterwards. I hurried +away to the parlour; and there I found Mr. Creakle, sitting at his +breakfast with the cane and a newspaper before him, and Mrs. Creakle +with an opened letter in her hand. But no hamper. + +'David Copperfield,' said Mrs. Creakle, leading me to a sofa, and +sitting down beside me. 'I want to speak to you very particularly. I +have something to tell you, my child.' + +Mr. Creakle, at whom of course I looked, shook his head without looking +at me, and stopped up a sigh with a very large piece of buttered toast. + +'You are too young to know how the world changes every day,' said Mrs. +Creakle, 'and how the people in it pass away. But we all have to learn +it, David; some of us when we are young, some of us when we are old, +some of us at all times of our lives.' + +I looked at her earnestly. + +'When you came away from home at the end of the vacation,' said Mrs. +Creakle, after a pause, 'were they all well?' After another pause, 'Was +your mama well?' + +I trembled without distinctly knowing why, and still looked at her +earnestly, making no attempt to answer. + +'Because,' said she, 'I grieve to tell you that I hear this morning your +mama is very ill.' + +A mist rose between Mrs. Creakle and me, and her figure seemed to move +in it for an instant. Then I felt the burning tears run down my face, +and it was steady again. + +'She is very dangerously ill,' she added. + +I knew all now. + +'She is dead.' + +There was no need to tell me so. I had already broken out into a +desolate cry, and felt an orphan in the wide world. + +She was very kind to me. She kept me there all day, and left me alone +sometimes; and I cried, and wore myself to sleep, and awoke and +cried again. When I could cry no more, I began to think; and then the +oppression on my breast was heaviest, and my grief a dull pain that +there was no ease for. + +And yet my thoughts were idle; not intent on the calamity that weighed +upon my heart, but idly loitering near it. I thought of our house shut +up and hushed. I thought of the little baby, who, Mrs. Creakle said, had +been pining away for some time, and who, they believed, would die too. I +thought of my father's grave in the churchyard, by our house, and of my +mother lying there beneath the tree I knew so well. I stood upon a chair +when I was left alone, and looked into the glass to see how red my eyes +were, and how sorrowful my face. I considered, after some hours were +gone, if my tears were really hard to flow now, as they seemed to be, +what, in connexion with my loss, it would affect me most to think +of when I drew near home--for I was going home to the funeral. I am +sensible of having felt that a dignity attached to me among the rest of +the boys, and that I was important in my affliction. + +If ever child were stricken with sincere grief, I was. But I remember +that this importance was a kind of satisfaction to me, when I walked in +the playground that afternoon while the boys were in school. When I +saw them glancing at me out of the windows, as they went up to their +classes, I felt distinguished, and looked more melancholy, and walked +slower. When school was over, and they came out and spoke to me, I felt +it rather good in myself not to be proud to any of them, and to take +exactly the same notice of them all, as before. + +I was to go home next night; not by the mail, but by the heavy +night-coach, which was called the Farmer, and was principally used by +country-people travelling short intermediate distances upon the road. We +had no story-telling that evening, and Traddles insisted on lending me +his pillow. I don't know what good he thought it would do me, for I +had one of my own: but it was all he had to lend, poor fellow, except a +sheet of letter-paper full of skeletons; and that he gave me at parting, +as a soother of my sorrows and a contribution to my peace of mind. + +I left Salem House upon the morrow afternoon. I little thought then that +I left it, never to return. We travelled very slowly all night, and +did not get into Yarmouth before nine or ten o'clock in the morning. I +looked out for Mr. Barkis, but he was not there; and instead of him a +fat, short-winded, merry-looking, little old man in black, with rusty +little bunches of ribbons at the knees of his breeches, black stockings, +and a broad-brimmed hat, came puffing up to the coach window, and said: + +'Master Copperfield?' + +'Yes, sir.' + +'Will you come with me, young sir, if you please,' he said, opening the +door, 'and I shall have the pleasure of taking you home.' + +I put my hand in his, wondering who he was, and we walked away to a +shop in a narrow street, on which was written OMER, DRAPER, TAILOR, +HABERDASHER, FUNERAL FURNISHER, &c. It was a close and stifling little +shop; full of all sorts of clothing, made and unmade, including +one window full of beaver-hats and bonnets. We went into a little +back-parlour behind the shop, where we found three young women at work +on a quantity of black materials, which were heaped upon the table, +and little bits and cuttings of which were littered all over the floor. +There was a good fire in the room, and a breathless smell of warm black +crape--I did not know what the smell was then, but I know now. + +The three young women, who appeared to be very industrious and +comfortable, raised their heads to look at me, and then went on with +their work. Stitch, stitch, stitch. At the same time there came from +a workshop across a little yard outside the window, a regular sound +of hammering that kept a kind of tune: RAT--tat-tat, RAT--tat-tat, +RAT--tat-tat, without any variation. + +'Well,' said my conductor to one of the three young women. 'How do you +get on, Minnie?' + +'We shall be ready by the trying-on time,' she replied gaily, without +looking up. 'Don't you be afraid, father.' + +Mr. Omer took off his broad-brimmed hat, and sat down and panted. He was +so fat that he was obliged to pant some time before he could say: + +'That's right.' + +'Father!' said Minnie, playfully. 'What a porpoise you do grow!' + +'Well, I don't know how it is, my dear,' he replied, considering about +it. 'I am rather so.' + +'You are such a comfortable man, you see,' said Minnie. 'You take things +so easy.' + +'No use taking 'em otherwise, my dear,' said Mr. Omer. + +'No, indeed,' returned his daughter. 'We are all pretty gay here, thank +Heaven! Ain't we, father?' + +'I hope so, my dear,' said Mr. Omer. 'As I have got my breath now, I +think I'll measure this young scholar. Would you walk into the shop, +Master Copperfield?' + +I preceded Mr. Omer, in compliance with his request; and after showing +me a roll of cloth which he said was extra super, and too good mourning +for anything short of parents, he took my various dimensions, and put +them down in a book. While he was recording them he called my attention +to his stock in trade, and to certain fashions which he said had 'just +come up', and to certain other fashions which he said had 'just gone +out'. + +'And by that sort of thing we very often lose a little mint of money,' +said Mr. Omer. 'But fashions are like human beings. They come in, nobody +knows when, why, or how; and they go out, nobody knows when, why, or +how. Everything is like life, in my opinion, if you look at it in that +point of view.' + +I was too sorrowful to discuss the question, which would possibly have +been beyond me under any circumstances; and Mr. Omer took me back into +the parlour, breathing with some difficulty on the way. + +He then called down a little break-neck range of steps behind a door: +'Bring up that tea and bread-and-butter!' which, after some time, +during which I sat looking about me and thinking, and listening to the +stitching in the room and the tune that was being hammered across the +yard, appeared on a tray, and turned out to be for me. + +'I have been acquainted with you,' said Mr. Omer, after watching me +for some minutes, during which I had not made much impression on the +breakfast, for the black things destroyed my appetite, 'I have been +acquainted with you a long time, my young friend.' + +'Have you, sir?' + +'All your life,' said Mr. Omer. 'I may say before it. I knew your +father before you. He was five foot nine and a half, and he lays in +five-and-twen-ty foot of ground.' + +'RAT--tat-tat, RAT--tat-tat, RAT--tat-tat,' across the yard. + +'He lays in five and twen-ty foot of ground, if he lays in a fraction,' +said Mr. Omer, pleasantly. 'It was either his request or her direction, +I forget which.' + +'Do you know how my little brother is, sir?' I inquired. + +Mr. Omer shook his head. + +'RAT--tat-tat, RAT--tat-tat, RAT--tat-tat.' + +'He is in his mother's arms,' said he. + +'Oh, poor little fellow! Is he dead?' + +'Don't mind it more than you can help,' said Mr. Omer. 'Yes. The baby's +dead.' + +My wounds broke out afresh at this intelligence. I left the +scarcely-tasted breakfast, and went and rested my head on another table, +in a corner of the little room, which Minnie hastily cleared, lest I +should spot the mourning that was lying there with my tears. She was +a pretty, good-natured girl, and put my hair away from my eyes with a +soft, kind touch; but she was very cheerful at having nearly finished +her work and being in good time, and was so different from me! + +Presently the tune left off, and a good-looking young fellow came across +the yard into the room. He had a hammer in his hand, and his mouth was +full of little nails, which he was obliged to take out before he could +speak. + +'Well, Joram!' said Mr. Omer. 'How do you get on?' + +'All right,' said Joram. 'Done, sir.' + +Minnie coloured a little, and the other two girls smiled at one another. + +'What! you were at it by candle-light last night, when I was at the +club, then? Were you?' said Mr. Omer, shutting up one eye. + +'Yes,' said Joram. 'As you said we could make a little trip of it, and +go over together, if it was done, Minnie and me--and you.' + +'Oh! I thought you were going to leave me out altogether,' said Mr. +Omer, laughing till he coughed. + +'--As you was so good as to say that,' resumed the young man, 'why I +turned to with a will, you see. Will you give me your opinion of it?' + +'I will,' said Mr. Omer, rising. 'My dear'; and he stopped and turned to +me: 'would you like to see your--' + +'No, father,' Minnie interposed. + +'I thought it might be agreeable, my dear,' said Mr. Omer. 'But perhaps +you're right.' + +I can't say how I knew it was my dear, dear mother's coffin that they +went to look at. I had never heard one making; I had never seen one that +I know of.--but it came into my mind what the noise was, while it was +going on; and when the young man entered, I am sure I knew what he had +been doing. + +The work being now finished, the two girls, whose names I had not heard, +brushed the shreds and threads from their dresses, and went into the +shop to put that to rights, and wait for customers. Minnie stayed behind +to fold up what they had made, and pack it in two baskets. This she did +upon her knees, humming a lively little tune the while. Joram, who I had +no doubt was her lover, came in and stole a kiss from her while she was +busy (he didn't appear to mind me, at all), and said her father was gone +for the chaise, and he must make haste and get himself ready. Then he +went out again; and then she put her thimble and scissors in her pocket, +and stuck a needle threaded with black thread neatly in the bosom of her +gown, and put on her outer clothing smartly, at a little glass behind +the door, in which I saw the reflection of her pleased face. + +All this I observed, sitting at the table in the corner with my head +leaning on my hand, and my thoughts running on very different things. +The chaise soon came round to the front of the shop, and the baskets +being put in first, I was put in next, and those three followed. I +remember it as a kind of half chaise-cart, half pianoforte-van, painted +of a sombre colour, and drawn by a black horse with a long tail. There +was plenty of room for us all. + +I do not think I have ever experienced so strange a feeling in my life +(I am wiser now, perhaps) as that of being with them, remembering how +they had been employed, and seeing them enjoy the ride. I was not angry +with them; I was more afraid of them, as if I were cast away among +creatures with whom I had no community of nature. They were very +cheerful. The old man sat in front to drive, and the two young people +sat behind him, and whenever he spoke to them leaned forward, the one on +one side of his chubby face and the other on the other, and made a great +deal of him. They would have talked to me too, but I held back, and +moped in my corner; scared by their love-making and hilarity, though +it was far from boisterous, and almost wondering that no judgement came +upon them for their hardness of heart. + +So, when they stopped to bait the horse, and ate and drank and enjoyed +themselves, I could touch nothing that they touched, but kept my fast +unbroken. So, when we reached home, I dropped out of the chaise behind, +as quickly as possible, that I might not be in their company before +those solemn windows, looking blindly on me like closed eyes once +bright. And oh, how little need I had had to think what would move me to +tears when I came back--seeing the window of my mother's room, and next +it that which, in the better time, was mine! + +I was in Peggotty's arms before I got to the door, and she took me into +the house. Her grief burst out when she first saw me; but she controlled +it soon, and spoke in whispers, and walked softly, as if the dead could +be disturbed. She had not been in bed, I found, for a long time. She +sat up at night still, and watched. As long as her poor dear pretty was +above the ground, she said, she would never desert her. + +Mr. Murdstone took no heed of me when I went into the parlour where he +was, but sat by the fireside, weeping silently, and pondering in his +elbow-chair. Miss Murdstone, who was busy at her writing-desk, which +was covered with letters and papers, gave me her cold finger-nails, and +asked me, in an iron whisper, if I had been measured for my mourning. + +I said: 'Yes.' + +'And your shirts,' said Miss Murdstone; 'have you brought 'em home?' + +'Yes, ma'am. I have brought home all my clothes.' + +This was all the consolation that her firmness administered to me. I do +not doubt that she had a choice pleasure in exhibiting what she called +her self-command, and her firmness, and her strength of mind, and +her common sense, and the whole diabolical catalogue of her unamiable +qualities, on such an occasion. She was particularly proud of her turn +for business; and she showed it now in reducing everything to pen and +ink, and being moved by nothing. All the rest of that day, and from +morning to night afterwards, she sat at that desk, scratching composedly +with a hard pen, speaking in the same imperturbable whisper to +everybody; never relaxing a muscle of her face, or softening a tone of +her voice, or appearing with an atom of her dress astray. + +Her brother took a book sometimes, but never read it that I saw. He +would open it and look at it as if he were reading, but would remain for +a whole hour without turning the leaf, and then put it down and walk to +and fro in the room. I used to sit with folded hands watching him, and +counting his footsteps, hour after hour. He very seldom spoke to her, +and never to me. He seemed to be the only restless thing, except the +clocks, in the whole motionless house. + +In these days before the funeral, I saw but little of Peggotty, except +that, in passing up or down stairs, I always found her close to the room +where my mother and her baby lay, and except that she came to me every +night, and sat by my bed's head while I went to sleep. A day or +two before the burial--I think it was a day or two before, but I am +conscious of confusion in my mind about that heavy time, with nothing +to mark its progress--she took me into the room. I only recollect that +underneath some white covering on the bed, with a beautiful cleanliness +and freshness all around it, there seemed to me to lie embodied the +solemn stillness that was in the house; and that when she would have +turned the cover gently back, I cried: 'Oh no! oh no!' and held her +hand. + +If the funeral had been yesterday, I could not recollect it better. The +very air of the best parlour, when I went in at the door, the bright +condition of the fire, the shining of the wine in the decanters, the +patterns of the glasses and plates, the faint sweet smell of cake, the +odour of Miss Murdstone's dress, and our black clothes. Mr. Chillip is +in the room, and comes to speak to me. + +'And how is Master David?' he says, kindly. + +I cannot tell him very well. I give him my hand, which he holds in his. + +'Dear me!' says Mr. Chillip, meekly smiling, with something shining in +his eye. 'Our little friends grow up around us. They grow out of our +knowledge, ma'am?' This is to Miss Murdstone, who makes no reply. + +'There is a great improvement here, ma'am?' says Mr. Chillip. + +Miss Murdstone merely answers with a frown and a formal bend: Mr. +Chillip, discomfited, goes into a corner, keeping me with him, and opens +his mouth no more. + +I remark this, because I remark everything that happens, not because +I care about myself, or have done since I came home. And now the bell +begins to sound, and Mr. Omer and another come to make us ready. As +Peggotty was wont to tell me, long ago, the followers of my father to +the same grave were made ready in the same room. + +There are Mr. Murdstone, our neighbour Mr. Grayper, Mr. Chillip, and +I. When we go out to the door, the Bearers and their load are in the +garden; and they move before us down the path, and past the elms, and +through the gate, and into the churchyard, where I have so often heard +the birds sing on a summer morning. + +We stand around the grave. The day seems different to me from every +other day, and the light not of the same colour--of a sadder colour. +Now there is a solemn hush, which we have brought from home with what is +resting in the mould; and while we stand bareheaded, I hear the voice +of the clergyman, sounding remote in the open air, and yet distinct and +plain, saying: 'I am the Resurrection and the Life, saith the Lord!' +Then I hear sobs; and, standing apart among the lookers-on, I see that +good and faithful servant, whom of all the people upon earth I love the +best, and unto whom my childish heart is certain that the Lord will one +day say: 'Well done.' + +There are many faces that I know, among the little crowd; faces that I +knew in church, when mine was always wondering there; faces that first +saw my mother, when she came to the village in her youthful bloom. I do +not mind them--I mind nothing but my grief--and yet I see and know them +all; and even in the background, far away, see Minnie looking on, and +her eye glancing on her sweetheart, who is near me. + +It is over, and the earth is filled in, and we turn to come away. Before +us stands our house, so pretty and unchanged, so linked in my mind with +the young idea of what is gone, that all my sorrow has been nothing to +the sorrow it calls forth. But they take me on; and Mr. Chillip talks to +me; and when we get home, puts some water to my lips; and when I ask his +leave to go up to my room, dismisses me with the gentleness of a woman. + +All this, I say, is yesterday's event. Events of later date have floated +from me to the shore where all forgotten things will reappear, but this +stands like a high rock in the ocean. + +I knew that Peggotty would come to me in my room. The Sabbath stillness +of the time (the day was so like Sunday! I have forgotten that) was +suited to us both. She sat down by my side upon my little bed; and +holding my hand, and sometimes putting it to her lips, and sometimes +smoothing it with hers, as she might have comforted my little brother, +told me, in her way, all that she had to tell concerning what had +happened. + +'She was never well,' said Peggotty, 'for a long time. She was uncertain +in her mind, and not happy. When her baby was born, I thought at first +she would get better, but she was more delicate, and sunk a little every +day. She used to like to sit alone before her baby came, and then she +cried; but afterwards she used to sing to it--so soft, that I once +thought, when I heard her, it was like a voice up in the air, that was +rising away. + +'I think she got to be more timid, and more frightened-like, of late; +and that a hard word was like a blow to her. But she was always the same +to me. She never changed to her foolish Peggotty, didn't my sweet girl.' + +Here Peggotty stopped, and softly beat upon my hand a little while. + +'The last time that I saw her like her own old self, was the night when +you came home, my dear. The day you went away, she said to me, "I never +shall see my pretty darling again. Something tells me so, that tells the +truth, I know." + +'She tried to hold up after that; and many a time, when they told her +she was thoughtless and light-hearted, made believe to be so; but it was +all a bygone then. She never told her husband what she had told me--she +was afraid of saying it to anybody else--till one night, a little more +than a week before it happened, when she said to him: "My dear, I think +I am dying." + +'"It's off my mind now, Peggotty," she told me, when I laid her in her +bed that night. "He will believe it more and more, poor fellow, every +day for a few days to come; and then it will be past. I am very tired. +If this is sleep, sit by me while I sleep: don't leave me. God bless +both my children! God protect and keep my fatherless boy!" + +'I never left her afterwards,' said Peggotty. 'She often talked to them +two downstairs--for she loved them; she couldn't bear not to love anyone +who was about her--but when they went away from her bed-side, she always +turned to me, as if there was rest where Peggotty was, and never fell +asleep in any other way. + +'On the last night, in the evening, she kissed me, and said: "If my baby +should die too, Peggotty, please let them lay him in my arms, and bury +us together." (It was done; for the poor lamb lived but a day beyond +her.) "Let my dearest boy go with us to our resting-place," she said, +"and tell him that his mother, when she lay here, blessed him not once, +but a thousand times."' + +Another silence followed this, and another gentle beating on my hand. + +'It was pretty far in the night,' said Peggotty, 'when she asked me for +some drink; and when she had taken it, gave me such a patient smile, the +dear!--so beautiful! + +'Daybreak had come, and the sun was rising, when she said to me, how +kind and considerate Mr. Copperfield had always been to her, and how +he had borne with her, and told her, when she doubted herself, that +a loving heart was better and stronger than wisdom, and that he was a +happy man in hers. "Peggotty, my dear," she said then, "put me nearer to +you," for she was very weak. "Lay your good arm underneath my neck," she +said, "and turn me to you, for your face is going far off, and I want it +to be near." I put it as she asked; and oh Davy! the time had come when +my first parting words to you were true--when she was glad to lay her +poor head on her stupid cross old Peggotty's arm--and she died like a +child that had gone to sleep!' + + +Thus ended Peggotty's narration. From the moment of my knowing of the +death of my mother, the idea of her as she had been of late had vanished +from me. I remembered her, from that instant, only as the young mother +of my earliest impressions, who had been used to wind her bright curls +round and round her finger, and to dance with me at twilight in the +parlour. What Peggotty had told me now, was so far from bringing me back +to the later period, that it rooted the earlier image in my mind. It may +be curious, but it is true. In her death she winged her way back to her +calm untroubled youth, and cancelled all the rest. + +The mother who lay in the grave, was the mother of my infancy; the +little creature in her arms, was myself, as I had once been, hushed for +ever on her bosom. + + + +CHAPTER 10. I BECOME NEGLECTED, AND AM PROVIDED FOR + + +The first act of business Miss Murdstone performed when the day of the +solemnity was over, and light was freely admitted into the house, was +to give Peggotty a month's warning. Much as Peggotty would have disliked +such a service, I believe she would have retained it, for my sake, in +preference to the best upon earth. She told me we must part, and told me +why; and we condoled with one another, in all sincerity. + +As to me or my future, not a word was said, or a step taken. Happy +they would have been, I dare say, if they could have dismissed me at a +month's warning too. I mustered courage once, to ask Miss Murdstone when +I was going back to school; and she answered dryly, she believed I was +not going back at all. I was told nothing more. I was very anxious to +know what was going to be done with me, and so was Peggotty; but neither +she nor I could pick up any information on the subject. + +There was one change in my condition, which, while it relieved me of +a great deal of present uneasiness, might have made me, if I had been +capable of considering it closely, yet more uncomfortable about the +future. It was this. The constraint that had been put upon me, was quite +abandoned. I was so far from being required to keep my dull post in +the parlour, that on several occasions, when I took my seat there, Miss +Murdstone frowned to me to go away. I was so far from being warned off +from Peggotty's society, that, provided I was not in Mr. Murdstone's, I +was never sought out or inquired for. At first I was in daily dread of +his taking my education in hand again, or of Miss Murdstone's +devoting herself to it; but I soon began to think that such fears were +groundless, and that all I had to anticipate was neglect. + +I do not conceive that this discovery gave me much pain then. I was +still giddy with the shock of my mother's death, and in a kind of +stunned state as to all tributary things. I can recollect, indeed, to +have speculated, at odd times, on the possibility of my not being taught +any more, or cared for any more; and growing up to be a shabby, moody +man, lounging an idle life away, about the village; as well as on the +feasibility of my getting rid of this picture by going away somewhere, +like the hero in a story, to seek my fortune: but these were transient +visions, daydreams I sat looking at sometimes, as if they were faintly +painted or written on the wall of my room, and which, as they melted +away, left the wall blank again. + +'Peggotty,' I said in a thoughtful whisper, one evening, when I was +warming my hands at the kitchen fire, 'Mr. Murdstone likes me less than +he used to. He never liked me much, Peggotty; but he would rather not +even see me now, if he can help it.' + +'Perhaps it's his sorrow,' said Peggotty, stroking my hair. + +'I am sure, Peggotty, I am sorry too. If I believed it was his sorrow, +I should not think of it at all. But it's not that; oh, no, it's not +that.' + +'How do you know it's not that?' said Peggotty, after a silence. + +'Oh, his sorrow is another and quite a different thing. He is sorry at +this moment, sitting by the fireside with Miss Murdstone; but if I was +to go in, Peggotty, he would be something besides.' + +'What would he be?' said Peggotty. + +'Angry,' I answered, with an involuntary imitation of his dark frown. +'If he was only sorry, he wouldn't look at me as he does. I am only +sorry, and it makes me feel kinder.' + +Peggotty said nothing for a little while; and I warmed my hands, as +silent as she. + +'Davy,' she said at length. + +'Yes, Peggotty?' 'I have tried, my dear, all ways I could think of--all +the ways there are, and all the ways there ain't, in short--to get a +suitable service here, in Blunderstone; but there's no such a thing, my +love.' + +'And what do you mean to do, Peggotty,' says I, wistfully. 'Do you mean +to go and seek your fortune?' + +'I expect I shall be forced to go to Yarmouth,' replied Peggotty, 'and +live there.' + +'You might have gone farther off,' I said, brightening a little, 'and +been as bad as lost. I shall see you sometimes, my dear old Peggotty, +there. You won't be quite at the other end of the world, will you?' + +'Contrary ways, please God!' cried Peggotty, with great animation. 'As +long as you are here, my pet, I shall come over every week of my life to +see you. One day, every week of my life!' + +I felt a great weight taken off my mind by this promise: but even this +was not all, for Peggotty went on to say: + +'I'm a-going, Davy, you see, to my brother's, first, for another +fortnight's visit--just till I have had time to look about me, and +get to be something like myself again. Now, I have been thinking that +perhaps, as they don't want you here at present, you might be let to go +along with me.' + +If anything, short of being in a different relation to every one about +me, Peggotty excepted, could have given me a sense of pleasure at that +time, it would have been this project of all others. The idea of being +again surrounded by those honest faces, shining welcome on me; of +renewing the peacefulness of the sweet Sunday morning, when the bells +were ringing, the stones dropping in the water, and the shadowy ships +breaking through the mist; of roaming up and down with little Em'ly, +telling her my troubles, and finding charms against them in the shells +and pebbles on the beach; made a calm in my heart. It was ruffled next +moment, to be sure, by a doubt of Miss Murdstone's giving her consent; +but even that was set at rest soon, for she came out to take an evening +grope in the store-closet while we were yet in conversation, and +Peggotty, with a boldness that amazed me, broached the topic on the +spot. + +'The boy will be idle there,' said Miss Murdstone, looking into a +pickle-jar, 'and idleness is the root of all evil. But, to be sure, he +would be idle here--or anywhere, in my opinion.' + +Peggotty had an angry answer ready, I could see; but she swallowed it +for my sake, and remained silent. + +'Humph!' said Miss Murdstone, still keeping her eye on the pickles; +'it is of more importance than anything else--it is of paramount +importance--that my brother should not be disturbed or made +uncomfortable. I suppose I had better say yes.' + +I thanked her, without making any demonstration of joy, lest it should +induce her to withdraw her assent. Nor could I help thinking this a +prudent course, since she looked at me out of the pickle-jar, with +as great an access of sourness as if her black eyes had absorbed its +contents. However, the permission was given, and was never retracted; +for when the month was out, Peggotty and I were ready to depart. + +Mr. Barkis came into the house for Peggotty's boxes. I had never known +him to pass the garden-gate before, but on this occasion he came into +the house. And he gave me a look as he shouldered the largest box and +went out, which I thought had meaning in it, if meaning could ever be +said to find its way into Mr. Barkis's visage. + +Peggotty was naturally in low spirits at leaving what had been her home +so many years, and where the two strong attachments of her life--for +my mother and myself--had been formed. She had been walking in the +churchyard, too, very early; and she got into the cart, and sat in it +with her handkerchief at her eyes. + +So long as she remained in this condition, Mr. Barkis gave no sign +of life whatever. He sat in his usual place and attitude like a great +stuffed figure. But when she began to look about her, and to speak to +me, he nodded his head and grinned several times. I have not the least +notion at whom, or what he meant by it. + +'It's a beautiful day, Mr. Barkis!' I said, as an act of politeness. + +'It ain't bad,' said Mr. Barkis, who generally qualified his speech, and +rarely committed himself. + +'Peggotty is quite comfortable now, Mr. Barkis,' I remarked, for his +satisfaction. + +'Is she, though?' said Mr. Barkis. + +After reflecting about it, with a sagacious air, Mr. Barkis eyed her, +and said: + +'ARE you pretty comfortable?' + +Peggotty laughed, and answered in the affirmative. + +'But really and truly, you know. Are you?' growled Mr. Barkis, sliding +nearer to her on the seat, and nudging her with his elbow. 'Are you? +Really and truly pretty comfortable? Are you? Eh?' + +At each of these inquiries Mr. Barkis shuffled nearer to her, and gave +her another nudge; so that at last we were all crowded together in the +left-hand corner of the cart, and I was so squeezed that I could hardly +bear it. + +Peggotty calling his attention to my sufferings, Mr. Barkis gave me a +little more room at once, and got away by degrees. But I could not help +observing that he seemed to think he had hit upon a wonderful expedient +for expressing himself in a neat, agreeable, and pointed manner, without +the inconvenience of inventing conversation. He manifestly chuckled over +it for some time. By and by he turned to Peggotty again, and repeating, +'Are you pretty comfortable though?' bore down upon us as before, until +the breath was nearly edged out of my body. By and by he made another +descent upon us with the same inquiry, and the same result. At length, +I got up whenever I saw him coming, and standing on the foot-board, +pretended to look at the prospect; after which I did very well. + +He was so polite as to stop at a public-house, expressly on our account, +and entertain us with broiled mutton and beer. Even when Peggotty was +in the act of drinking, he was seized with one of those approaches, and +almost choked her. But as we drew nearer to the end of our journey, he +had more to do and less time for gallantry; and when we got on Yarmouth +pavement, we were all too much shaken and jolted, I apprehend, to have +any leisure for anything else. + +Mr. Peggotty and Ham waited for us at the old place. They received me +and Peggotty in an affectionate manner, and shook hands with Mr. Barkis, +who, with his hat on the very back of his head, and a shame-faced leer +upon his countenance, and pervading his very legs, presented but a +vacant appearance, I thought. They each took one of Peggotty's trunks, +and we were going away, when Mr. Barkis solemnly made a sign to me with +his forefinger to come under an archway. + +'I say,' growled Mr. Barkis, 'it was all right.' + +I looked up into his face, and answered, with an attempt to be very +profound: 'Oh!' + +'It didn't come to a end there,' said Mr. Barkis, nodding +confidentially. 'It was all right.' + +Again I answered, 'Oh!' + +'You know who was willin',' said my friend. 'It was Barkis, and Barkis +only.' + +I nodded assent. + +'It's all right,' said Mr. Barkis, shaking hands; 'I'm a friend of +your'n. You made it all right, first. It's all right.' + +In his attempts to be particularly lucid, Mr. Barkis was so extremely +mysterious, that I might have stood looking in his face for an hour, and +most assuredly should have got as much information out of it as out +of the face of a clock that had stopped, but for Peggotty's calling me +away. As we were going along, she asked me what he had said; and I told +her he had said it was all right. + +'Like his impudence,' said Peggotty, 'but I don't mind that! Davy dear, +what should you think if I was to think of being married?' + +'Why--I suppose you would like me as much then, Peggotty, as you do +now?' I returned, after a little consideration. + +Greatly to the astonishment of the passengers in the street, as well as +of her relations going on before, the good soul was obliged to stop and +embrace me on the spot, with many protestations of her unalterable love. + +'Tell me what should you say, darling?' she asked again, when this was +over, and we were walking on. + +'If you were thinking of being married--to Mr. Barkis, Peggotty?' + +'Yes,' said Peggotty. + +'I should think it would be a very good thing. For then you know, +Peggotty, you would always have the horse and cart to bring you over to +see me, and could come for nothing, and be sure of coming.' + +'The sense of the dear!' cried Peggotty. 'What I have been thinking +of, this month back! Yes, my precious; and I think I should be more +independent altogether, you see; let alone my working with a better +heart in my own house, than I could in anybody else's now. I don't know +what I might be fit for, now, as a servant to a stranger. And I shall be +always near my pretty's resting-place,' said Peggotty, musing, 'and be +able to see it when I like; and when I lie down to rest, I may be laid +not far off from my darling girl!' + +We neither of us said anything for a little while. + +'But I wouldn't so much as give it another thought,' said Peggotty, +cheerily 'if my Davy was anyways against it--not if I had been asked in +church thirty times three times over, and was wearing out the ring in my +pocket.' + +'Look at me, Peggotty,' I replied; 'and see if I am not really glad, and +don't truly wish it!' As indeed I did, with all my heart. + +'Well, my life,' said Peggotty, giving me a squeeze, 'I have thought of +it night and day, every way I can, and I hope the right way; but I'll +think of it again, and speak to my brother about it, and in the meantime +we'll keep it to ourselves, Davy, you and me. Barkis is a good plain +creature,' said Peggotty, 'and if I tried to do my duty by him, I think +it would be my fault if I wasn't--if I wasn't pretty comfortable,' +said Peggotty, laughing heartily. This quotation from Mr. Barkis was +so appropriate, and tickled us both so much, that we laughed again and +again, and were quite in a pleasant humour when we came within view of +Mr. Peggotty's cottage. + +It looked just the same, except that it may, perhaps, have shrunk a +little in my eyes; and Mrs. Gummidge was waiting at the door as if she +had stood there ever since. All within was the same, down to the seaweed +in the blue mug in my bedroom. I went into the out-house to look about +me; and the very same lobsters, crabs, and crawfish possessed by the +same desire to pinch the world in general, appeared to be in the same +state of conglomeration in the same old corner. + +But there was no little Em'ly to be seen, so I asked Mr. Peggotty where +she was. + +'She's at school, sir,' said Mr. Peggotty, wiping the heat consequent +on the porterage of Peggotty's box from his forehead; 'she'll be home,' +looking at the Dutch clock, 'in from twenty minutes to half-an-hour's +time. We all on us feel the loss of her, bless ye!' + +Mrs. Gummidge moaned. + +'Cheer up, Mawther!' cried Mr. Peggotty. + +'I feel it more than anybody else,' said Mrs. Gummidge; 'I'm a lone +lorn creetur', and she used to be a'most the only thing that didn't go +contrary with me.' + +Mrs. Gummidge, whimpering and shaking her head, applied herself to +blowing the fire. Mr. Peggotty, looking round upon us while she was so +engaged, said in a low voice, which he shaded with his hand: 'The old +'un!' From this I rightly conjectured that no improvement had taken +place since my last visit in the state of Mrs. Gummidge's spirits. + +Now, the whole place was, or it should have been, quite as delightful +a place as ever; and yet it did not impress me in the same way. I felt +rather disappointed with it. Perhaps it was because little Em'ly was +not at home. I knew the way by which she would come, and presently found +myself strolling along the path to meet her. + +A figure appeared in the distance before long, and I soon knew it to be +Em'ly, who was a little creature still in stature, though she was grown. +But when she drew nearer, and I saw her blue eyes looking bluer, and her +dimpled face looking brighter, and her whole self prettier and gayer, a +curious feeling came over me that made me pretend not to know her, and +pass by as if I were looking at something a long way off. I have done +such a thing since in later life, or I am mistaken. + +Little Em'ly didn't care a bit. She saw me well enough; but instead of +turning round and calling after me, ran away laughing. This obliged me +to run after her, and she ran so fast that we were very near the cottage +before I caught her. + +'Oh, it's you, is it?' said little Em'ly. + +'Why, you knew who it was, Em'ly,' said I. + +'And didn't YOU know who it was?' said Em'ly. I was going to kiss her, +but she covered her cherry lips with her hands, and said she wasn't a +baby now, and ran away, laughing more than ever, into the house. + +She seemed to delight in teasing me, which was a change in her I +wondered at very much. The tea table was ready, and our little locker +was put out in its old place, but instead of coming to sit by me, she +went and bestowed her company upon that grumbling Mrs. Gummidge: and on +Mr. Peggotty's inquiring why, rumpled her hair all over her face to hide +it, and could do nothing but laugh. + +'A little puss, it is!' said Mr. Peggotty, patting her with his great +hand. + +'So sh' is! so sh' is!' cried Ham. 'Mas'r Davy bor', so sh' is!' and he +sat and chuckled at her for some time, in a state of mingled admiration +and delight, that made his face a burning red. + +Little Em'ly was spoiled by them all, in fact; and by no one more than +Mr. Peggotty himself, whom she could have coaxed into anything, by +only going and laying her cheek against his rough whisker. That was my +opinion, at least, when I saw her do it; and I held Mr. Peggotty to be +thoroughly in the right. But she was so affectionate and sweet-natured, +and had such a pleasant manner of being both sly and shy at once, that +she captivated me more than ever. + +She was tender-hearted, too; for when, as we sat round the fire after +tea, an allusion was made by Mr. Peggotty over his pipe to the loss +I had sustained, the tears stood in her eyes, and she looked at me so +kindly across the table, that I felt quite thankful to her. + +'Ah!' said Mr. Peggotty, taking up her curls, and running them over his +hand like water, 'here's another orphan, you see, sir. And here,' said +Mr. Peggotty, giving Ham a backhanded knock in the chest, 'is another of +'em, though he don't look much like it.' + +'If I had you for my guardian, Mr. Peggotty,' said I, shaking my head, +'I don't think I should FEEL much like it.' + +'Well said, Mas'r Davy bor'!' cried Ham, in an ecstasy. 'Hoorah! Well +said! Nor more you wouldn't! Hor! Hor!'--Here he returned Mr. Peggotty's +back-hander, and little Em'ly got up and kissed Mr. Peggotty. 'And how's +your friend, sir?' said Mr. Peggotty to me. + +'Steerforth?' said I. + +'That's the name!' cried Mr. Peggotty, turning to Ham. 'I knowed it was +something in our way.' + +'You said it was Rudderford,' observed Ham, laughing. + +'Well!' retorted Mr. Peggotty. 'And ye steer with a rudder, don't ye? It +ain't fur off. How is he, sir?' + +'He was very well indeed when I came away, Mr. Peggotty.' + +'There's a friend!' said Mr. Peggotty, stretching out his pipe. 'There's +a friend, if you talk of friends! Why, Lord love my heart alive, if it +ain't a treat to look at him!' + +'He is very handsome, is he not?' said I, my heart warming with this +praise. + +'Handsome!' cried Mr. Peggotty. 'He stands up to you like--like a--why I +don't know what he don't stand up to you like. He's so bold!' + +'Yes! That's just his character,' said I. 'He's as brave as a lion, and +you can't think how frank he is, Mr. Peggotty.' + +'And I do suppose, now,' said Mr. Peggotty, looking at me through the +smoke of his pipe, 'that in the way of book-larning he'd take the wind +out of a'most anything.' + +'Yes,' said I, delighted; 'he knows everything. He is astonishingly +clever.' + +'There's a friend!' murmured Mr. Peggotty, with a grave toss of his +head. + +'Nothing seems to cost him any trouble,' said I. 'He knows a task if he +only looks at it. He is the best cricketer you ever saw. He will give +you almost as many men as you like at draughts, and beat you easily.' + +Mr. Peggotty gave his head another toss, as much as to say: 'Of course +he will.' + +'He is such a speaker,' I pursued, 'that he can win anybody over; and I +don't know what you'd say if you were to hear him sing, Mr. Peggotty.' + +Mr. Peggotty gave his head another toss, as much as to say: 'I have no +doubt of it.' + +'Then, he's such a generous, fine, noble fellow,' said I, quite carried +away by my favourite theme, 'that it's hardly possible to give him as +much praise as he deserves. I am sure I can never feel thankful enough +for the generosity with which he has protected me, so much younger and +lower in the school than himself.' + +I was running on, very fast indeed, when my eyes rested on little +Em'ly's face, which was bent forward over the table, listening with the +deepest attention, her breath held, her blue eyes sparkling like jewels, +and the colour mantling in her cheeks. She looked so extraordinarily +earnest and pretty, that I stopped in a sort of wonder; and they all +observed her at the same time, for as I stopped, they laughed and looked +at her. + +'Em'ly is like me,' said Peggotty, 'and would like to see him.' + +Em'ly was confused by our all observing her, and hung down her head, +and her face was covered with blushes. Glancing up presently through her +stray curls, and seeing that we were all looking at her still (I am sure +I, for one, could have looked at her for hours), she ran away, and kept +away till it was nearly bedtime. + +I lay down in the old little bed in the stern of the boat, and the wind +came moaning on across the flat as it had done before. But I could not +help fancying, now, that it moaned of those who were gone; and instead +of thinking that the sea might rise in the night and float the boat +away, I thought of the sea that had risen, since I last heard those +sounds, and drowned my happy home. I recollect, as the wind and water +began to sound fainter in my ears, putting a short clause into my +prayers, petitioning that I might grow up to marry little Em'ly, and so +dropping lovingly asleep. + +The days passed pretty much as they had passed before, except--it was +a great exception--that little Em'ly and I seldom wandered on the beach +now. She had tasks to learn, and needle-work to do; and was absent +during a great part of each day. But I felt that we should not have had +those old wanderings, even if it had been otherwise. Wild and full of +childish whims as Em'ly was, she was more of a little woman than I +had supposed. She seemed to have got a great distance away from me, +in little more than a year. She liked me, but she laughed at me, and +tormented me; and when I went to meet her, stole home another way, and +was laughing at the door when I came back, disappointed. The best times +were when she sat quietly at work in the doorway, and I sat on the +wooden step at her feet, reading to her. It seems to me, at this +hour, that I have never seen such sunlight as on those bright April +afternoons; that I have never seen such a sunny little figure as I used +to see, sitting in the doorway of the old boat; that I have never beheld +such sky, such water, such glorified ships sailing away into golden air. + +On the very first evening after our arrival, Mr. Barkis appeared in an +exceedingly vacant and awkward condition, and with a bundle of oranges +tied up in a handkerchief. As he made no allusion of any kind to this +property, he was supposed to have left it behind him by accident when +he went away; until Ham, running after him to restore it, came back with +the information that it was intended for Peggotty. After that occasion +he appeared every evening at exactly the same hour, and always with a +little bundle, to which he never alluded, and which he regularly put +behind the door and left there. These offerings of affection were of a +most various and eccentric description. Among them I remember a double +set of pigs' trotters, a huge pin-cushion, half a bushel or so of +apples, a pair of jet earrings, some Spanish onions, a box of dominoes, +a canary bird and cage, and a leg of pickled pork. + +Mr. Barkis's wooing, as I remember it, was altogether of a peculiar +kind. He very seldom said anything; but would sit by the fire in much +the same attitude as he sat in his cart, and stare heavily at Peggotty, +who was opposite. One night, being, as I suppose, inspired by love, he +made a dart at the bit of wax-candle she kept for her thread, and put +it in his waistcoat-pocket and carried it off. After that, his great +delight was to produce it when it was wanted, sticking to the lining of +his pocket, in a partially melted state, and pocket it again when it was +done with. He seemed to enjoy himself very much, and not to feel at all +called upon to talk. Even when he took Peggotty out for a walk on the +flats, he had no uneasiness on that head, I believe; contenting himself +with now and then asking her if she was pretty comfortable; and I +remember that sometimes, after he was gone, Peggotty would throw her +apron over her face, and laugh for half-an-hour. Indeed, we were +all more or less amused, except that miserable Mrs. Gummidge, whose +courtship would appear to have been of an exactly parallel nature, she +was so continually reminded by these transactions of the old one. + +At length, when the term of my visit was nearly expired, it was given +out that Peggotty and Mr. Barkis were going to make a day's holiday +together, and that little Em'ly and I were to accompany them. I had but +a broken sleep the night before, in anticipation of the pleasure of +a whole day with Em'ly. We were all astir betimes in the morning; and +while we were yet at breakfast, Mr. Barkis appeared in the distance, +driving a chaise-cart towards the object of his affections. + +Peggotty was dressed as usual, in her neat and quiet mourning; but Mr. +Barkis bloomed in a new blue coat, of which the tailor had given him +such good measure, that the cuffs would have rendered gloves unnecessary +in the coldest weather, while the collar was so high that it pushed his +hair up on end on the top of his head. His bright buttons, too, were +of the largest size. Rendered complete by drab pantaloons and a buff +waistcoat, I thought Mr. Barkis a phenomenon of respectability. + +When we were all in a bustle outside the door, I found that Mr. Peggotty +was prepared with an old shoe, which was to be thrown after us for luck, +and which he offered to Mrs. Gummidge for that purpose. + +'No. It had better be done by somebody else, Dan'l,' said Mrs. Gummidge. +'I'm a lone lorn creetur' myself, and everythink that reminds me of +creetur's that ain't lone and lorn, goes contrary with me.' + +'Come, old gal!' cried Mr. Peggotty. 'Take and heave it.' + +'No, Dan'l,' returned Mrs. Gummidge, whimpering and shaking her head. +'If I felt less, I could do more. You don't feel like me, Dan'l; thinks +don't go contrary with you, nor you with them; you had better do it +yourself.' + +But here Peggotty, who had been going about from one to another in a +hurried way, kissing everybody, called out from the cart, in which we +all were by this time (Em'ly and I on two little chairs, side by side), +that Mrs. Gummidge must do it. So Mrs. Gummidge did it; and, I am sorry +to relate, cast a damp upon the festive character of our departure, by +immediately bursting into tears, and sinking subdued into the arms of +Ham, with the declaration that she knowed she was a burden, and had +better be carried to the House at once. Which I really thought was a +sensible idea, that Ham might have acted on. + +Away we went, however, on our holiday excursion; and the first thing +we did was to stop at a church, where Mr. Barkis tied the horse to some +rails, and went in with Peggotty, leaving little Em'ly and me alone in +the chaise. I took that occasion to put my arm round Em'ly's waist, and +propose that as I was going away so very soon now, we should determine +to be very affectionate to one another, and very happy, all day. Little +Em'ly consenting, and allowing me to kiss her, I became desperate; +informing her, I recollect, that I never could love another, and that +I was prepared to shed the blood of anybody who should aspire to her +affections. + +How merry little Em'ly made herself about it! With what a demure +assumption of being immensely older and wiser than I, the fairy little +woman said I was 'a silly boy'; and then laughed so charmingly that +I forgot the pain of being called by that disparaging name, in the +pleasure of looking at her. + +Mr. Barkis and Peggotty were a good while in the church, but came out at +last, and then we drove away into the country. As we were going along, +Mr. Barkis turned to me, and said, with a wink,--by the by, I should +hardly have thought, before, that he could wink: + +'What name was it as I wrote up in the cart?' + +'Clara Peggotty,' I answered. + +'What name would it be as I should write up now, if there was a tilt +here?' + +'Clara Peggotty, again?' I suggested. + +'Clara Peggotty BARKIS!' he returned, and burst into a roar of laughter +that shook the chaise. + +In a word, they were married, and had gone into the church for no other +purpose. Peggotty was resolved that it should be quietly done; and +the clerk had given her away, and there had been no witnesses of the +ceremony. She was a little confused when Mr. Barkis made this abrupt +announcement of their union, and could not hug me enough in token of her +unimpaired affection; but she soon became herself again, and said she +was very glad it was over. + +We drove to a little inn in a by-road, where we were expected, and +where we had a very comfortable dinner, and passed the day with great +satisfaction. If Peggotty had been married every day for the last ten +years, she could hardly have been more at her ease about it; it made no +sort of difference in her: she was just the same as ever, and went +out for a stroll with little Em'ly and me before tea, while Mr. Barkis +philosophically smoked his pipe, and enjoyed himself, I suppose, with +the contemplation of his happiness. If so, it sharpened his appetite; +for I distinctly call to mind that, although he had eaten a good deal of +pork and greens at dinner, and had finished off with a fowl or two, he +was obliged to have cold boiled bacon for tea, and disposed of a large +quantity without any emotion. + +I have often thought, since, what an odd, innocent, out-of-the-way kind +of wedding it must have been! We got into the chaise again soon after +dark, and drove cosily back, looking up at the stars, and talking about +them. I was their chief exponent, and opened Mr. Barkis's mind to +an amazing extent. I told him all I knew, but he would have believed +anything I might have taken it into my head to impart to him; for he +had a profound veneration for my abilities, and informed his wife in my +hearing, on that very occasion, that I was 'a young Roeshus'--by which I +think he meant prodigy. + +When we had exhausted the subject of the stars, or rather when I had +exhausted the mental faculties of Mr. Barkis, little Em'ly and I made a +cloak of an old wrapper, and sat under it for the rest of the journey. +Ah, how I loved her! What happiness (I thought) if we were married, +and were going away anywhere to live among the trees and in the fields, +never growing older, never growing wiser, children ever, rambling hand +in hand through sunshine and among flowery meadows, laying down our +heads on moss at night, in a sweet sleep of purity and peace, and buried +by the birds when we were dead! Some such picture, with no real world in +it, bright with the light of our innocence, and vague as the stars afar +off, was in my mind all the way. I am glad to think there were two such +guileless hearts at Peggotty's marriage as little Em'ly's and mine. I +am glad to think the Loves and Graces took such airy forms in its homely +procession. + +Well, we came to the old boat again in good time at night; and there +Mr. and Mrs. Barkis bade us good-bye, and drove away snugly to their +own home. I felt then, for the first time, that I had lost Peggotty. I +should have gone to bed with a sore heart indeed under any other roof +but that which sheltered little Em'ly's head. + +Mr. Peggotty and Ham knew what was in my thoughts as well as I did, and +were ready with some supper and their hospitable faces to drive it away. +Little Em'ly came and sat beside me on the locker for the only time in +all that visit; and it was altogether a wonderful close to a wonderful +day. + +It was a night tide; and soon after we went to bed, Mr. Peggotty and Ham +went out to fish. I felt very brave at being left alone in the solitary +house, the protector of Em'ly and Mrs. Gummidge, and only wished that +a lion or a serpent, or any ill-disposed monster, would make an attack +upon us, that I might destroy him, and cover myself with glory. But as +nothing of the sort happened to be walking about on Yarmouth flats that +night, I provided the best substitute I could by dreaming of dragons +until morning. + +With morning came Peggotty; who called to me, as usual, under my window +as if Mr. Barkis the carrier had been from first to last a dream too. +After breakfast she took me to her own home, and a beautiful little +home it was. Of all the moveables in it, I must have been impressed by +a certain old bureau of some dark wood in the parlour (the tile-floored +kitchen was the general sitting-room), with a retreating top which +opened, let down, and became a desk, within which was a large quarto +edition of Foxe's Book of Martyrs. This precious volume, of which I do +not recollect one word, I immediately discovered and immediately applied +myself to; and I never visited the house afterwards, but I kneeled on +a chair, opened the casket where this gem was enshrined, spread my arms +over the desk, and fell to devouring the book afresh. I was chiefly +edified, I am afraid, by the pictures, which were numerous, and +represented all kinds of dismal horrors; but the Martyrs and Peggotty's +house have been inseparable in my mind ever since, and are now. + +I took leave of Mr. Peggotty, and Ham, and Mrs. Gummidge, and little +Em'ly, that day; and passed the night at Peggotty's, in a little room +in the roof (with the Crocodile Book on a shelf by the bed's head) which +was to be always mine, Peggotty said, and should always be kept for me +in exactly the same state. + +'Young or old, Davy dear, as long as I am alive and have this house over +my head,' said Peggotty, 'you shall find it as if I expected you here +directly minute. I shall keep it every day, as I used to keep your old +little room, my darling; and if you was to go to China, you might think +of it as being kept just the same, all the time you were away.' + +I felt the truth and constancy of my dear old nurse, with all my heart, +and thanked her as well as I could. That was not very well, for she +spoke to me thus, with her arms round my neck, in the morning, and I was +going home in the morning, and I went home in the morning, with herself +and Mr. Barkis in the cart. They left me at the gate, not easily or +lightly; and it was a strange sight to me to see the cart go on, taking +Peggotty away, and leaving me under the old elm-trees looking at the +house, in which there was no face to look on mine with love or liking +any more. + +And now I fell into a state of neglect, which I cannot look back upon +without compassion. I fell at once into a solitary condition,--apart +from all friendly notice, apart from the society of all other boys of +my own age, apart from all companionship but my own spiritless +thoughts,--which seems to cast its gloom upon this paper as I write. + +What would I have given, to have been sent to the hardest school that +ever was kept!--to have been taught something, anyhow, anywhere! No +such hope dawned upon me. They disliked me; and they sullenly, sternly, +steadily, overlooked me. I think Mr. Murdstone's means were straitened +at about this time; but it is little to the purpose. He could not bear +me; and in putting me from him he tried, as I believe, to put away the +notion that I had any claim upon him--and succeeded. + +I was not actively ill-used. I was not beaten, or starved; but the wrong +that was done to me had no intervals of relenting, and was done in a +systematic, passionless manner. Day after day, week after week, month +after month, I was coldly neglected. I wonder sometimes, when I think +of it, what they would have done if I had been taken with an illness; +whether I should have lain down in my lonely room, and languished +through it in my usual solitary way, or whether anybody would have +helped me out. + +When Mr. and Miss Murdstone were at home, I took my meals with them; in +their absence, I ate and drank by myself. At all times I lounged about +the house and neighbourhood quite disregarded, except that they were +jealous of my making any friends: thinking, perhaps, that if I did, I +might complain to someone. For this reason, though Mr. Chillip often +asked me to go and see him (he was a widower, having, some years before +that, lost a little small light-haired wife, whom I can just remember +connecting in my own thoughts with a pale tortoise-shell cat), it was +but seldom that I enjoyed the happiness of passing an afternoon in his +closet of a surgery; reading some book that was new to me, with +the smell of the whole Pharmacopoeia coming up my nose, or pounding +something in a mortar under his mild directions. + +For the same reason, added no doubt to the old dislike of her, I was +seldom allowed to visit Peggotty. Faithful to her promise, she either +came to see me, or met me somewhere near, once every week, and never +empty-handed; but many and bitter were the disappointments I had, in +being refused permission to pay a visit to her at her house. Some few +times, however, at long intervals, I was allowed to go there; and then +I found out that Mr. Barkis was something of a miser, or as Peggotty +dutifully expressed it, was 'a little near', and kept a heap of money +in a box under his bed, which he pretended was only full of coats +and trousers. In this coffer, his riches hid themselves with such a +tenacious modesty, that the smallest instalments could only be tempted +out by artifice; so that Peggotty had to prepare a long and elaborate +scheme, a very Gunpowder Plot, for every Saturday's expenses. + +All this time I was so conscious of the waste of any promise I had +given, and of my being utterly neglected, that I should have been +perfectly miserable, I have no doubt, but for the old books. They were +my only comfort; and I was as true to them as they were to me, and read +them over and over I don't know how many times more. + +I now approach a period of my life, which I can never lose the +remembrance of, while I remember anything: and the recollection of +which has often, without my invocation, come before me like a ghost, and +haunted happier times. + +I had been out, one day, loitering somewhere, in the listless, +meditative manner that my way of life engendered, when, turning the +corner of a lane near our house, I came upon Mr. Murdstone walking with +a gentleman. I was confused, and was going by them, when the gentleman +cried: + +'What! Brooks!' + +'No, sir, David Copperfield,' I said. + +'Don't tell me. You are Brooks,' said the gentleman. 'You are Brooks of +Sheffield. That's your name.' + +At these words, I observed the gentleman more attentively. His laugh +coming to my remembrance too, I knew him to be Mr. Quinion, whom I +had gone over to Lowestoft with Mr. Murdstone to see, before--it is no +matter--I need not recall when. + +'And how do you get on, and where are you being educated, Brooks?' said +Mr. Quinion. + +He had put his hand upon my shoulder, and turned me about, to walk +with them. I did not know what to reply, and glanced dubiously at Mr. +Murdstone. + +'He is at home at present,' said the latter. 'He is not being educated +anywhere. I don't know what to do with him. He is a difficult subject.' + +That old, double look was on me for a moment; and then his eyes darkened +with a frown, as it turned, in its aversion, elsewhere. + +'Humph!' said Mr. Quinion, looking at us both, I thought. 'Fine +weather!' + +Silence ensued, and I was considering how I could best disengage my +shoulder from his hand, and go away, when he said: + +'I suppose you are a pretty sharp fellow still? Eh, Brooks?' + +'Aye! He is sharp enough,' said Mr. Murdstone, impatiently. 'You had +better let him go. He will not thank you for troubling him.' + +On this hint, Mr. Quinion released me, and I made the best of my +way home. Looking back as I turned into the front garden, I saw Mr. +Murdstone leaning against the wicket of the churchyard, and Mr. Quinion +talking to him. They were both looking after me, and I felt that they +were speaking of me. + +Mr. Quinion lay at our house that night. After breakfast, the next +morning, I had put my chair away, and was going out of the room, when +Mr. Murdstone called me back. He then gravely repaired to another table, +where his sister sat herself at her desk. Mr. Quinion, with his hands +in his pockets, stood looking out of window; and I stood looking at them +all. + +'David,' said Mr. Murdstone, 'to the young this is a world for action; +not for moping and droning in.' --'As you do,' added his sister. + +'Jane Murdstone, leave it to me, if you please. I say, David, to the +young this is a world for action, and not for moping and droning in. It +is especially so for a young boy of your disposition, which requires a +great deal of correcting; and to which no greater service can be done +than to force it to conform to the ways of the working world, and to +bend it and break it.' + +'For stubbornness won't do here,' said his sister 'What it wants is, to +be crushed. And crushed it must be. Shall be, too!' + +He gave her a look, half in remonstrance, half in approval, and went on: + +'I suppose you know, David, that I am not rich. At any rate, you know it +now. You have received some considerable education already. Education is +costly; and even if it were not, and I could afford it, I am of opinion +that it would not be at all advantageous to you to be kept at school. +What is before you, is a fight with the world; and the sooner you begin +it, the better.' + +I think it occurred to me that I had already begun it, in my poor way: +but it occurs to me now, whether or no. + +'You have heard the "counting-house" mentioned sometimes,' said Mr. +Murdstone. + +'The counting-house, sir?' I repeated. 'Of Murdstone and Grinby, in the +wine trade,' he replied. + +I suppose I looked uncertain, for he went on hastily: + +'You have heard the "counting-house" mentioned, or the business, or the +cellars, or the wharf, or something about it.' + +'I think I have heard the business mentioned, sir,' I said, remembering +what I vaguely knew of his and his sister's resources. 'But I don't know +when.' + +'It does not matter when,' he returned. 'Mr. Quinion manages that +business.' + +I glanced at the latter deferentially as he stood looking out of window. + +'Mr. Quinion suggests that it gives employment to some other boys, +and that he sees no reason why it shouldn't, on the same terms, give +employment to you.' + +'He having,' Mr. Quinion observed in a low voice, and half turning +round, 'no other prospect, Murdstone.' + +Mr. Murdstone, with an impatient, even an angry gesture, resumed, +without noticing what he had said: + +'Those terms are, that you will earn enough for yourself to provide for +your eating and drinking, and pocket-money. Your lodging (which I have +arranged for) will be paid by me. So will your washing--' + +'--Which will be kept down to my estimate,' said his sister. + +'Your clothes will be looked after for you, too,' said Mr. Murdstone; +'as you will not be able, yet awhile, to get them for yourself. So you +are now going to London, David, with Mr. Quinion, to begin the world on +your own account.' + +'In short, you are provided for,' observed his sister; 'and will please +to do your duty.' + +Though I quite understood that the purpose of this announcement was +to get rid of me, I have no distinct remembrance whether it pleased +or frightened me. My impression is, that I was in a state of confusion +about it, and, oscillating between the two points, touched neither. Nor +had I much time for the clearing of my thoughts, as Mr. Quinion was to +go upon the morrow. + +Behold me, on the morrow, in a much-worn little white hat, with a black +crape round it for my mother, a black jacket, and a pair of hard, stiff +corduroy trousers--which Miss Murdstone considered the best armour for +the legs in that fight with the world which was now to come off. Behold +me so attired, and with my little worldly all before me in a small +trunk, sitting, a lone lorn child (as Mrs. Gummidge might have said), +in the post-chaise that was carrying Mr. Quinion to the London coach at +Yarmouth! See, how our house and church are lessening in the distance; +how the grave beneath the tree is blotted out by intervening objects; +how the spire points upwards from my old playground no more, and the sky +is empty! + + + +CHAPTER 11. I BEGIN LIFE ON MY OWN ACCOUNT, AND DON'T LIKE IT + + +I know enough of the world now, to have almost lost the capacity of +being much surprised by anything; but it is matter of some surprise to +me, even now, that I can have been so easily thrown away at such an age. +A child of excellent abilities, and with strong powers of observation, +quick, eager, delicate, and soon hurt bodily or mentally, it seems +wonderful to me that nobody should have made any sign in my behalf. But +none was made; and I became, at ten years old, a little labouring hind +in the service of Murdstone and Grinby. + +Murdstone and Grinby's warehouse was at the waterside. It was down in +Blackfriars. Modern improvements have altered the place; but it was the +last house at the bottom of a narrow street, curving down hill to the +river, with some stairs at the end, where people took boat. It was a +crazy old house with a wharf of its own, abutting on the water when the +tide was in, and on the mud when the tide was out, and literally overrun +with rats. Its panelled rooms, discoloured with the dirt and smoke of +a hundred years, I dare say; its decaying floors and staircase; the +squeaking and scuffling of the old grey rats down in the cellars; and +the dirt and rottenness of the place; are things, not of many years ago, +in my mind, but of the present instant. They are all before me, just as +they were in the evil hour when I went among them for the first time, +with my trembling hand in Mr. Quinion's. + +Murdstone and Grinby's trade was among a good many kinds of people, but +an important branch of it was the supply of wines and spirits to certain +packet ships. I forget now where they chiefly went, but I think there +were some among them that made voyages both to the East and West Indies. +I know that a great many empty bottles were one of the consequences of +this traffic, and that certain men and boys were employed to examine +them against the light, and reject those that were flawed, and to rinse +and wash them. When the empty bottles ran short, there were labels to be +pasted on full ones, or corks to be fitted to them, or seals to be put +upon the corks, or finished bottles to be packed in casks. All this work +was my work, and of the boys employed upon it I was one. + +There were three or four of us, counting me. My working place was +established in a corner of the warehouse, where Mr. Quinion could see +me, when he chose to stand up on the bottom rail of his stool in the +counting-house, and look at me through a window above the desk. Hither, +on the first morning of my so auspiciously beginning life on my own +account, the oldest of the regular boys was summoned to show me my +business. His name was Mick Walker, and he wore a ragged apron and a +paper cap. He informed me that his father was a bargeman, and walked, in +a black velvet head-dress, in the Lord Mayor's Show. He also informed me +that our principal associate would be another boy whom he introduced by +the--to me--extraordinary name of Mealy Potatoes. I discovered, however, +that this youth had not been christened by that name, but that it had +been bestowed upon him in the warehouse, on account of his complexion, +which was pale or mealy. Mealy's father was a waterman, who had the +additional distinction of being a fireman, and was engaged as such at +one of the large theatres; where some young relation of Mealy's--I think +his little sister--did Imps in the Pantomimes. + +No words can express the secret agony of my soul as I sunk into this +companionship; compared these henceforth everyday associates with those +of my happier childhood--not to say with Steerforth, Traddles, and the +rest of those boys; and felt my hopes of growing up to be a learned +and distinguished man, crushed in my bosom. The deep remembrance of the +sense I had, of being utterly without hope now; of the shame I felt in +my position; of the misery it was to my young heart to believe that day +by day what I had learned, and thought, and delighted in, and raised my +fancy and my emulation up by, would pass away from me, little by little, +never to be brought back any more; cannot be written. As often as Mick +Walker went away in the course of that forenoon, I mingled my tears with +the water in which I was washing the bottles; and sobbed as if there +were a flaw in my own breast, and it were in danger of bursting. + +The counting-house clock was at half past twelve, and there was +general preparation for going to dinner, when Mr. Quinion tapped at the +counting-house window, and beckoned to me to go in. I went in, and +found there a stoutish, middle-aged person, in a brown surtout and black +tights and shoes, with no more hair upon his head (which was a large +one, and very shining) than there is upon an egg, and with a very +extensive face, which he turned full upon me. His clothes were shabby, +but he had an imposing shirt-collar on. He carried a jaunty sort of a +stick, with a large pair of rusty tassels to it; and a quizzing-glass +hung outside his coat,--for ornament, I afterwards found, as he very +seldom looked through it, and couldn't see anything when he did. + +'This,' said Mr. Quinion, in allusion to myself, 'is he.' + +'This,' said the stranger, with a certain condescending roll in his +voice, and a certain indescribable air of doing something genteel, which +impressed me very much, 'is Master Copperfield. I hope I see you well, +sir?' + +I said I was very well, and hoped he was. I was sufficiently ill at +ease, Heaven knows; but it was not in my nature to complain much at that +time of my life, so I said I was very well, and hoped he was. + +'I am,' said the stranger, 'thank Heaven, quite well. I have received a +letter from Mr. Murdstone, in which he mentions that he would desire +me to receive into an apartment in the rear of my house, which is at +present unoccupied--and is, in short, to be let as a--in short,' +said the stranger, with a smile and in a burst of confidence, 'as a +bedroom--the young beginner whom I have now the pleasure to--' and the +stranger waved his hand, and settled his chin in his shirt-collar. + +'This is Mr. Micawber,' said Mr. Quinion to me. + +'Ahem!' said the stranger, 'that is my name.' + +'Mr. Micawber,' said Mr. Quinion, 'is known to Mr. Murdstone. He takes +orders for us on commission, when he can get any. He has been written to +by Mr. Murdstone, on the subject of your lodgings, and he will receive +you as a lodger.' + +'My address,' said Mr. Micawber, 'is Windsor Terrace, City Road. I--in +short,' said Mr. Micawber, with the same genteel air, and in another +burst of confidence--'I live there.' + +I made him a bow. + +'Under the impression,' said Mr. Micawber, 'that your peregrinations in +this metropolis have not as yet been extensive, and that you might have +some difficulty in penetrating the arcana of the Modern Babylon in the +direction of the City Road,--in short,' said Mr. Micawber, in another +burst of confidence, 'that you might lose yourself--I shall be happy to +call this evening, and install you in the knowledge of the nearest way.' + +I thanked him with all my heart, for it was friendly in him to offer to +take that trouble. + +'At what hour,' said Mr. Micawber, 'shall I--' + +'At about eight,' said Mr. Quinion. + +'At about eight,' said Mr. Micawber. 'I beg to wish you good day, Mr. +Quinion. I will intrude no longer.' + +So he put on his hat, and went out with his cane under his arm: very +upright, and humming a tune when he was clear of the counting-house. + +Mr. Quinion then formally engaged me to be as useful as I could in +the warehouse of Murdstone and Grinby, at a salary, I think, of six +shillings a week. I am not clear whether it was six or seven. I am +inclined to believe, from my uncertainty on this head, that it was six +at first and seven afterwards. He paid me a week down (from his own +pocket, I believe), and I gave Mealy sixpence out of it to get my +trunk carried to Windsor Terrace that night: it being too heavy for my +strength, small as it was. I paid sixpence more for my dinner, which was +a meat pie and a turn at a neighbouring pump; and passed the hour which +was allowed for that meal, in walking about the streets. + +At the appointed time in the evening, Mr. Micawber reappeared. I washed +my hands and face, to do the greater honour to his gentility, and we +walked to our house, as I suppose I must now call it, together; Mr. +Micawber impressing the name of streets, and the shapes of corner houses +upon me, as we went along, that I might find my way back, easily, in the +morning. + +Arrived at this house in Windsor Terrace (which I noticed was shabby +like himself, but also, like himself, made all the show it could), he +presented me to Mrs. Micawber, a thin and faded lady, not at all +young, who was sitting in the parlour (the first floor was altogether +unfurnished, and the blinds were kept down to delude the neighbours), +with a baby at her breast. This baby was one of twins; and I may remark +here that I hardly ever, in all my experience of the family, saw both +the twins detached from Mrs. Micawber at the same time. One of them was +always taking refreshment. + +There were two other children; Master Micawber, aged about four, and +Miss Micawber, aged about three. These, and a dark-complexioned young +woman, with a habit of snorting, who was servant to the family, and +informed me, before half an hour had expired, that she was 'a Orfling', +and came from St. Luke's workhouse, in the neighbourhood, completed the +establishment. My room was at the top of the house, at the back: a close +chamber; stencilled all over with an ornament which my young imagination +represented as a blue muffin; and very scantily furnished. + +'I never thought,' said Mrs. Micawber, when she came up, twin and all, +to show me the apartment, and sat down to take breath, 'before I was +married, when I lived with papa and mama, that I should ever find it +necessary to take a lodger. But Mr. Micawber being in difficulties, all +considerations of private feeling must give way.' + +I said: 'Yes, ma'am.' + +'Mr. Micawber's difficulties are almost overwhelming just at present,' +said Mrs. Micawber; 'and whether it is possible to bring him through +them, I don't know. When I lived at home with papa and mama, I really +should have hardly understood what the word meant, in the sense in which +I now employ it, but experientia does it,--as papa used to say.' + +I cannot satisfy myself whether she told me that Mr. Micawber had been +an officer in the Marines, or whether I have imagined it. I only know +that I believe to this hour that he WAS in the Marines once upon a time, +without knowing why. He was a sort of town traveller for a number +of miscellaneous houses, now; but made little or nothing of it, I am +afraid. + +'If Mr. Micawber's creditors will not give him time,' said Mrs. +Micawber, 'they must take the consequences; and the sooner they bring it +to an issue the better. Blood cannot be obtained from a stone, neither +can anything on account be obtained at present (not to mention law +expenses) from Mr. Micawber.' + +I never can quite understand whether my precocious self-dependence +confused Mrs. Micawber in reference to my age, or whether she was so +full of the subject that she would have talked about it to the very +twins if there had been nobody else to communicate with, but this was +the strain in which she began, and she went on accordingly all the time +I knew her. + +Poor Mrs. Micawber! She said she had tried to exert herself, and so, +I have no doubt, she had. The centre of the street door was perfectly +covered with a great brass-plate, on which was engraved 'Mrs. Micawber's +Boarding Establishment for Young Ladies': but I never found that any +young lady had ever been to school there; or that any young lady ever +came, or proposed to come; or that the least preparation was ever made +to receive any young lady. The only visitors I ever saw, or heard of, +were creditors. THEY used to come at all hours, and some of them were +quite ferocious. One dirty-faced man, I think he was a boot-maker, +used to edge himself into the passage as early as seven o'clock in the +morning, and call up the stairs to Mr. Micawber--'Come! You ain't out +yet, you know. Pay us, will you? Don't hide, you know; that's mean. I +wouldn't be mean if I was you. Pay us, will you? You just pay us, d'ye +hear? Come!' Receiving no answer to these taunts, he would mount in +his wrath to the words 'swindlers' and 'robbers'; and these being +ineffectual too, would sometimes go to the extremity of crossing the +street, and roaring up at the windows of the second floor, where he knew +Mr. Micawber was. At these times, Mr. Micawber would be transported with +grief and mortification, even to the length (as I was once made aware by +a scream from his wife) of making motions at himself with a razor; +but within half-an-hour afterwards, he would polish up his shoes with +extraordinary pains, and go out, humming a tune with a greater air of +gentility than ever. Mrs. Micawber was quite as elastic. I have known +her to be thrown into fainting fits by the king's taxes at three +o'clock, and to eat lamb chops, breaded, and drink warm ale (paid for +with two tea-spoons that had gone to the pawnbroker's) at four. On one +occasion, when an execution had just been put in, coming home through +some chance as early as six o'clock, I saw her lying (of course with a +twin) under the grate in a swoon, with her hair all torn about her face; +but I never knew her more cheerful than she was, that very same night, +over a veal cutlet before the kitchen fire, telling me stories about her +papa and mama, and the company they used to keep. + +In this house, and with this family, I passed my leisure time. My own +exclusive breakfast of a penny loaf and a pennyworth of milk, I provided +myself. I kept another small loaf, and a modicum of cheese, on a +particular shelf of a particular cupboard, to make my supper on when I +came back at night. This made a hole in the six or seven shillings, I +know well; and I was out at the warehouse all day, and had to support +myself on that money all the week. From Monday morning until Saturday +night, I had no advice, no counsel, no encouragement, no consolation, +no assistance, no support, of any kind, from anyone, that I can call to +mind, as I hope to go to heaven! + +I was so young and childish, and so little qualified--how could I be +otherwise?--to undertake the whole charge of my own existence, that +often, in going to Murdstone and Grinby's, of a morning, I could +not resist the stale pastry put out for sale at half-price at the +pastrycooks' doors, and spent in that the money I should have kept for +my dinner. Then, I went without my dinner, or bought a roll or a slice +of pudding. I remember two pudding shops, between which I was divided, +according to my finances. One was in a court close to St. Martin's +Church--at the back of the church,--which is now removed altogether. +The pudding at that shop was made of currants, and was rather a special +pudding, but was dear, twopennyworth not being larger than a pennyworth +of more ordinary pudding. A good shop for the latter was in the +Strand--somewhere in that part which has been rebuilt since. It was a +stout pale pudding, heavy and flabby, and with great flat raisins in it, +stuck in whole at wide distances apart. It came up hot at about my time +every day, and many a day did I dine off it. When I dined regularly and +handsomely, I had a saveloy and a penny loaf, or a fourpenny plate of +red beef from a cook's shop; or a plate of bread and cheese and a +glass of beer, from a miserable old public-house opposite our place of +business, called the Lion, or the Lion and something else that I have +forgotten. Once, I remember carrying my own bread (which I had brought +from home in the morning) under my arm, wrapped in a piece of paper, +like a book, and going to a famous alamode beef-house near Drury Lane, +and ordering a 'small plate' of that delicacy to eat with it. What the +waiter thought of such a strange little apparition coming in all alone, +I don't know; but I can see him now, staring at me as I ate my dinner, +and bringing up the other waiter to look. I gave him a halfpenny for +himself, and I wish he hadn't taken it. + +We had half-an-hour, I think, for tea. When I had money enough, I used +to get half-a-pint of ready-made coffee and a slice of bread and butter. +When I had none, I used to look at a venison shop in Fleet Street; or +I have strolled, at such a time, as far as Covent Garden Market, and +stared at the pineapples. I was fond of wandering about the Adelphi, +because it was a mysterious place, with those dark arches. I see myself +emerging one evening from some of these arches, on a little public-house +close to the river, with an open space before it, where some +coal-heavers were dancing; to look at whom I sat down upon a bench. I +wonder what they thought of me! + +I was such a child, and so little, that frequently when I went into the +bar of a strange public-house for a glass of ale or porter, to moisten +what I had had for dinner, they were afraid to give it me. I remember +one hot evening I went into the bar of a public-house, and said to the +landlord: 'What is your best--your very best--ale a glass?' For it was a +special occasion. I don't know what. It may have been my birthday. + +'Twopence-halfpenny,' says the landlord, 'is the price of the Genuine +Stunning ale.' + +'Then,' says I, producing the money, 'just draw me a glass of the +Genuine Stunning, if you please, with a good head to it.' + +The landlord looked at me in return over the bar, from head to foot, +with a strange smile on his face; and instead of drawing the beer, +looked round the screen and said something to his wife. She came out +from behind it, with her work in her hand, and joined him in surveying +me. Here we stand, all three, before me now. The landlord in his +shirt-sleeves, leaning against the bar window-frame; his wife looking +over the little half-door; and I, in some confusion, looking up at them +from outside the partition. They asked me a good many questions; as, +what my name was, how old I was, where I lived, how I was employed, +and how I came there. To all of which, that I might commit nobody, I +invented, I am afraid, appropriate answers. They served me with the ale, +though I suspect it was not the Genuine Stunning; and the landlord's +wife, opening the little half-door of the bar, and bending down, gave +me my money back, and gave me a kiss that was half admiring and half +compassionate, but all womanly and good, I am sure. + +I know I do not exaggerate, unconsciously and unintentionally, the +scantiness of my resources or the difficulties of my life. I know that +if a shilling were given me by Mr. Quinion at any time, I spent it in +a dinner or a tea. I know that I worked, from morning until night, with +common men and boys, a shabby child. I know that I lounged about the +streets, insufficiently and unsatisfactorily fed. I know that, but for +the mercy of God, I might easily have been, for any care that was taken +of me, a little robber or a little vagabond. + +Yet I held some station at Murdstone and Grinby's too. Besides that Mr. +Quinion did what a careless man so occupied, and dealing with a thing so +anomalous, could, to treat me as one upon a different footing from the +rest, I never said, to man or boy, how it was that I came to be there, +or gave the least indication of being sorry that I was there. That I +suffered in secret, and that I suffered exquisitely, no one ever knew +but I. How much I suffered, it is, as I have said already, utterly +beyond my power to tell. But I kept my own counsel, and I did my work. +I knew from the first, that, if I could not do my work as well as any +of the rest, I could not hold myself above slight and contempt. I soon +became at least as expeditious and as skilful as either of the other +boys. Though perfectly familiar with them, my conduct and manner were +different enough from theirs to place a space between us. They and +the men generally spoke of me as 'the little gent', or 'the young +Suffolker.' A certain man named Gregory, who was foreman of the packers, +and another named Tipp, who was the carman, and wore a red jacket, used +to address me sometimes as 'David': but I think it was mostly when we +were very confidential, and when I had made some efforts to entertain +them, over our work, with some results of the old readings; which were +fast perishing out of my remembrance. Mealy Potatoes uprose once, and +rebelled against my being so distinguished; but Mick Walker settled him +in no time. + +My rescue from this kind of existence I considered quite hopeless, and +abandoned, as such, altogether. I am solemnly convinced that I never for +one hour was reconciled to it, or was otherwise than miserably unhappy; +but I bore it; and even to Peggotty, partly for the love of her and +partly for shame, never in any letter (though many passed between us) +revealed the truth. + +Mr. Micawber's difficulties were an addition to the distressed state of +my mind. In my forlorn state I became quite attached to the family, and +used to walk about, busy with Mrs. Micawber's calculations of ways and +means, and heavy with the weight of Mr. Micawber's debts. On a Saturday +night, which was my grand treat,--partly because it was a great thing +to walk home with six or seven shillings in my pocket, looking into the +shops and thinking what such a sum would buy, and partly because I went +home early,--Mrs. Micawber would make the most heart-rending confidences +to me; also on a Sunday morning, when I mixed the portion of tea or +coffee I had bought over-night, in a little shaving-pot, and sat late +at my breakfast. It was nothing at all unusual for Mr. Micawber to sob +violently at the beginning of one of these Saturday night conversations, +and sing about Jack's delight being his lovely Nan, towards the end of +it. I have known him come home to supper with a flood of tears, and a +declaration that nothing was now left but a jail; and go to bed making a +calculation of the expense of putting bow-windows to the house, 'in +case anything turned up', which was his favourite expression. And Mrs. +Micawber was just the same. + +A curious equality of friendship, originating, I suppose, in our +respective circumstances, sprung up between me and these people, +notwithstanding the ludicrous disparity in our years. But I never +allowed myself to be prevailed upon to accept any invitation to eat and +drink with them out of their stock (knowing that they got on badly with +the butcher and baker, and had often not too much for themselves), +until Mrs. Micawber took me into her entire confidence. This she did one +evening as follows: + +'Master Copperfield,' said Mrs. Micawber, 'I make no stranger of you, +and therefore do not hesitate to say that Mr. Micawber's difficulties +are coming to a crisis.' + +It made me very miserable to hear it, and I looked at Mrs. Micawber's +red eyes with the utmost sympathy. + +'With the exception of the heel of a Dutch cheese--which is not adapted +to the wants of a young family'--said Mrs. Micawber, 'there is really +not a scrap of anything in the larder. I was accustomed to speak of +the larder when I lived with papa and mama, and I use the word almost +unconsciously. What I mean to express is, that there is nothing to eat +in the house.' + +'Dear me!' I said, in great concern. + +I had two or three shillings of my week's money in my pocket--from which +I presume that it must have been on a Wednesday night when we held this +conversation--and I hastily produced them, and with heartfelt emotion +begged Mrs. Micawber to accept of them as a loan. But that lady, kissing +me, and making me put them back in my pocket, replied that she couldn't +think of it. + +'No, my dear Master Copperfield,' said she, 'far be it from my thoughts! +But you have a discretion beyond your years, and can render me another +kind of service, if you will; and a service I will thankfully accept +of.' + +I begged Mrs. Micawber to name it. + +'I have parted with the plate myself,' said Mrs. Micawber. 'Six tea, two +salt, and a pair of sugars, I have at different times borrowed money on, +in secret, with my own hands. But the twins are a great tie; and to me, +with my recollections, of papa and mama, these transactions are very +painful. There are still a few trifles that we could part with. Mr. +Micawber's feelings would never allow him to dispose of them; and +Clickett'--this was the girl from the workhouse--'being of a vulgar +mind, would take painful liberties if so much confidence was reposed in +her. Master Copperfield, if I might ask you--' + +I understood Mrs. Micawber now, and begged her to make use of me to any +extent. I began to dispose of the more portable articles of property +that very evening; and went out on a similar expedition almost every +morning, before I went to Murdstone and Grinby's. + +Mr. Micawber had a few books on a little chiffonier, which he called the +library; and those went first. I carried them, one after another, to +a bookstall in the City Road--one part of which, near our house, was +almost all bookstalls and bird shops then--and sold them for whatever +they would bring. The keeper of this bookstall, who lived in a little +house behind it, used to get tipsy every night, and to be violently +scolded by his wife every morning. More than once, when I went there +early, I had audience of him in a turn-up bedstead, with a cut in his +forehead or a black eye, bearing witness to his excesses over-night (I +am afraid he was quarrelsome in his drink), and he, with a shaking +hand, endeavouring to find the needful shillings in one or other of the +pockets of his clothes, which lay upon the floor, while his wife, with a +baby in her arms and her shoes down at heel, never left off rating him. +Sometimes he had lost his money, and then he would ask me to call again; +but his wife had always got some--had taken his, I dare say, while he +was drunk--and secretly completed the bargain on the stairs, as we went +down together. At the pawnbroker's shop, too, I began to be very well +known. The principal gentleman who officiated behind the counter, took +a good deal of notice of me; and often got me, I recollect, to decline a +Latin noun or adjective, or to conjugate a Latin verb, in his ear, while +he transacted my business. After all these occasions Mrs. Micawber made +a little treat, which was generally a supper; and there was a peculiar +relish in these meals which I well remember. + +At last Mr. Micawber's difficulties came to a crisis, and he was +arrested early one morning, and carried over to the King's Bench Prison +in the Borough. He told me, as he went out of the house, that the God +of day had now gone down upon him--and I really thought his heart was +broken and mine too. But I heard, afterwards, that he was seen to play a +lively game at skittles, before noon. + +On the first Sunday after he was taken there, I was to go and see him, +and have dinner with him. I was to ask my way to such a place, and just +short of that place I should see such another place, and just short of +that I should see a yard, which I was to cross, and keep straight on +until I saw a turnkey. All this I did; and when at last I did see a +turnkey (poor little fellow that I was!), and thought how, when Roderick +Random was in a debtors' prison, there was a man there with nothing +on him but an old rug, the turnkey swam before my dimmed eyes and my +beating heart. + +Mr. Micawber was waiting for me within the gate, and we went up to his +room (top story but one), and cried very much. He solemnly conjured me, +I remember, to take warning by his fate; and to observe that if a man +had twenty pounds a-year for his income, and spent nineteen pounds +nineteen shillings and sixpence, he would be happy, but that if he +spent twenty pounds one he would be miserable. After which he borrowed a +shilling of me for porter, gave me a written order on Mrs. Micawber for +the amount, and put away his pocket-handkerchief, and cheered up. + +We sat before a little fire, with two bricks put within the rusted +grate, one on each side, to prevent its burning too many coals; until +another debtor, who shared the room with Mr. Micawber, came in from the +bakehouse with the loin of mutton which was our joint-stock repast. +Then I was sent up to 'Captain Hopkins' in the room overhead, with Mr. +Micawber's compliments, and I was his young friend, and would Captain +Hopkins lend me a knife and fork. + +Captain Hopkins lent me the knife and fork, with his compliments to Mr. +Micawber. There was a very dirty lady in his little room, and two wan +girls, his daughters, with shock heads of hair. I thought it was better +to borrow Captain Hopkins's knife and fork, than Captain Hopkins's comb. +The Captain himself was in the last extremity of shabbiness, with large +whiskers, and an old, old brown great-coat with no other coat below it. +I saw his bed rolled up in a corner; and what plates and dishes and pots +he had, on a shelf; and I divined (God knows how) that though the two +girls with the shock heads of hair were Captain Hopkins's children, the +dirty lady was not married to Captain Hopkins. My timid station on his +threshold was not occupied more than a couple of minutes at most; but +I came down again with all this in my knowledge, as surely as the knife +and fork were in my hand. + +There was something gipsy-like and agreeable in the dinner, after all. +I took back Captain Hopkins's knife and fork early in the afternoon, +and went home to comfort Mrs. Micawber with an account of my visit. +She fainted when she saw me return, and made a little jug of egg-hot +afterwards to console us while we talked it over. + +I don't know how the household furniture came to be sold for the family +benefit, or who sold it, except that I did not. Sold it was, however, +and carried away in a van; except the bed, a few chairs, and the kitchen +table. With these possessions we encamped, as it were, in the two +parlours of the emptied house in Windsor Terrace; Mrs. Micawber, the +children, the Orfling, and myself; and lived in those rooms night and +day. I have no idea for how long, though it seems to me for a long +time. At last Mrs. Micawber resolved to move into the prison, where Mr. +Micawber had now secured a room to himself. So I took the key of the +house to the landlord, who was very glad to get it; and the beds were +sent over to the King's Bench, except mine, for which a little room was +hired outside the walls in the neighbourhood of that Institution, very +much to my satisfaction, since the Micawbers and I had become too used +to one another, in our troubles, to part. The Orfling was likewise +accommodated with an inexpensive lodging in the same neighbourhood. +Mine was a quiet back-garret with a sloping roof, commanding a pleasant +prospect of a timberyard; and when I took possession of it, with the +reflection that Mr. Micawber's troubles had come to a crisis at last, I +thought it quite a paradise. + +All this time I was working at Murdstone and Grinby's in the same common +way, and with the same common companions, and with the same sense of +unmerited degradation as at first. But I never, happily for me no doubt, +made a single acquaintance, or spoke to any of the many boys whom I +saw daily in going to the warehouse, in coming from it, and in prowling +about the streets at meal-times. I led the same secretly unhappy life; +but I led it in the same lonely, self-reliant manner. The only changes +I am conscious of are, firstly, that I had grown more shabby, and +secondly, that I was now relieved of much of the weight of Mr. and Mrs. +Micawber's cares; for some relatives or friends had engaged to help them +at their present pass, and they lived more comfortably in the prison +than they had lived for a long while out of it. I used to breakfast with +them now, in virtue of some arrangement, of which I have forgotten +the details. I forget, too, at what hour the gates were opened in the +morning, admitting of my going in; but I know that I was often up at six +o'clock, and that my favourite lounging-place in the interval was old +London Bridge, where I was wont to sit in one of the stone recesses, +watching the people going by, or to look over the balustrades at the sun +shining in the water, and lighting up the golden flame on the top of the +Monument. The Orfling met me here sometimes, to be told some astonishing +fictions respecting the wharves and the Tower; of which I can say no +more than that I hope I believed them myself. In the evening I used +to go back to the prison, and walk up and down the parade with Mr. +Micawber; or play casino with Mrs. Micawber, and hear reminiscences of +her papa and mama. Whether Mr. Murdstone knew where I was, I am unable +to say. I never told them at Murdstone and Grinby's. + +Mr. Micawber's affairs, although past their crisis, were very much +involved by reason of a certain 'Deed', of which I used to hear a great +deal, and which I suppose, now, to have been some former composition +with his creditors, though I was so far from being clear about it +then, that I am conscious of having confounded it with those demoniacal +parchments which are held to have, once upon a time, obtained to a great +extent in Germany. At last this document appeared to be got out of the +way, somehow; at all events it ceased to be the rock-ahead it had been; +and Mrs. Micawber informed me that 'her family' had decided that Mr. +Micawber should apply for his release under the Insolvent Debtors Act, +which would set him free, she expected, in about six weeks. + +'And then,' said Mr. Micawber, who was present, 'I have no doubt I +shall, please Heaven, begin to be beforehand with the world, and to live +in a perfectly new manner, if--in short, if anything turns up.' + +By way of going in for anything that might be on the cards, I call to +mind that Mr. Micawber, about this time, composed a petition to the +House of Commons, praying for an alteration in the law of imprisonment +for debt. I set down this remembrance here, because it is an instance to +myself of the manner in which I fitted my old books to my altered life, +and made stories for myself, out of the streets, and out of men and +women; and how some main points in the character I shall unconsciously +develop, I suppose, in writing my life, were gradually forming all this +while. + +There was a club in the prison, in which Mr. Micawber, as a gentleman, +was a great authority. Mr. Micawber had stated his idea of this petition +to the club, and the club had strongly approved of the same. Wherefore +Mr. Micawber (who was a thoroughly good-natured man, and as active a +creature about everything but his own affairs as ever existed, and never +so happy as when he was busy about something that could never be of any +profit to him) set to work at the petition, invented it, engrossed it +on an immense sheet of paper, spread it out on a table, and appointed a +time for all the club, and all within the walls if they chose, to come +up to his room and sign it. + +When I heard of this approaching ceremony, I was so anxious to see them +all come in, one after another, though I knew the greater part of +them already, and they me, that I got an hour's leave of absence from +Murdstone and Grinby's, and established myself in a corner for that +purpose. As many of the principal members of the club as could be got +into the small room without filling it, supported Mr. Micawber in front +of the petition, while my old friend Captain Hopkins (who had washed +himself, to do honour to so solemn an occasion) stationed himself close +to it, to read it to all who were unacquainted with its contents. The +door was then thrown open, and the general population began to come in, +in a long file: several waiting outside, while one entered, affixed his +signature, and went out. To everybody in succession, Captain Hopkins +said: 'Have you read it?'--'No.'---'Would you like to hear it read?' If +he weakly showed the least disposition to hear it, Captain Hopkins, in +a loud sonorous voice, gave him every word of it. The Captain would +have read it twenty thousand times, if twenty thousand people would have +heard him, one by one. I remember a certain luscious roll he gave to +such phrases as 'The people's representatives in Parliament assembled,' +'Your petitioners therefore humbly approach your honourable house,' 'His +gracious Majesty's unfortunate subjects,' as if the words were something +real in his mouth, and delicious to taste; Mr. Micawber, meanwhile, +listening with a little of an author's vanity, and contemplating (not +severely) the spikes on the opposite wall. + +As I walked to and fro daily between Southwark and Blackfriars, and +lounged about at meal-times in obscure streets, the stones of which +may, for anything I know, be worn at this moment by my childish feet, I +wonder how many of these people were wanting in the crowd that used to +come filing before me in review again, to the echo of Captain Hopkins's +voice! When my thoughts go back, now, to that slow agony of my youth, I +wonder how much of the histories I invented for such people hangs like a +mist of fancy over well-remembered facts! When I tread the old ground, +I do not wonder that I seem to see and pity, going on before me, an +innocent romantic boy, making his imaginative world out of such strange +experiences and sordid things! + + + +CHAPTER 12. LIKING LIFE ON MY OWN ACCOUNT NO BETTER, I FORM A GREAT RESOLUTION + + +In due time, Mr. Micawber's petition was ripe for hearing; and that +gentleman was ordered to be discharged under the Act, to my great joy. +His creditors were not implacable; and Mrs. Micawber informed me that +even the revengeful boot-maker had declared in open court that he bore +him no malice, but that when money was owing to him he liked to be paid. +He said he thought it was human nature. + +Mr. Micawber returned to the King's Bench when his case was over, as +some fees were to be settled, and some formalities observed, before he +could be actually released. The club received him with transport, and +held an harmonic meeting that evening in his honour; while Mrs. Micawber +and I had a lamb's fry in private, surrounded by the sleeping family. + +'On such an occasion I will give you, Master Copperfield,' said Mrs. +Micawber, 'in a little more flip,' for we had been having some already, +'the memory of my papa and mama.' + +'Are they dead, ma'am?' I inquired, after drinking the toast in a +wine-glass. + +'My mama departed this life,' said Mrs. Micawber, 'before Mr. Micawber's +difficulties commenced, or at least before they became pressing. My papa +lived to bail Mr. Micawber several times, and then expired, regretted by +a numerous circle.' + +Mrs. Micawber shook her head, and dropped a pious tear upon the twin who +happened to be in hand. + +As I could hardly hope for a more favourable opportunity of putting a +question in which I had a near interest, I said to Mrs. Micawber: + +'May I ask, ma'am, what you and Mr. Micawber intend to do, now that Mr. +Micawber is out of his difficulties, and at liberty? Have you settled +yet?' + +'My family,' said Mrs. Micawber, who always said those two words with an +air, though I never could discover who came under the denomination, 'my +family are of opinion that Mr. Micawber should quit London, and exert +his talents in the country. Mr. Micawber is a man of great talent, +Master Copperfield.' + +I said I was sure of that. + +'Of great talent,' repeated Mrs. Micawber. 'My family are of opinion, +that, with a little interest, something might be done for a man of his +ability in the Custom House. The influence of my family being local, it +is their wish that Mr. Micawber should go down to Plymouth. They think +it indispensable that he should be upon the spot.' + +'That he may be ready?' I suggested. + +'Exactly,' returned Mrs. Micawber. 'That he may be ready--in case of +anything turning up.' + +'And do you go too, ma'am?' + +The events of the day, in combination with the twins, if not with the +flip, had made Mrs. Micawber hysterical, and she shed tears as she +replied: + +'I never will desert Mr. Micawber. Mr. Micawber may have concealed his +difficulties from me in the first instance, but his sanguine temper may +have led him to expect that he would overcome them. The pearl necklace +and bracelets which I inherited from mama, have been disposed of for +less than half their value; and the set of coral, which was the wedding +gift of my papa, has been actually thrown away for nothing. But I never +will desert Mr. Micawber. No!' cried Mrs. Micawber, more affected than +before, 'I never will do it! It's of no use asking me!' + +I felt quite uncomfortable--as if Mrs. Micawber supposed I had asked her +to do anything of the sort!--and sat looking at her in alarm. + +'Mr. Micawber has his faults. I do not deny that he is improvident. I +do not deny that he has kept me in the dark as to his resources and his +liabilities both,' she went on, looking at the wall; 'but I never will +desert Mr. Micawber!' + +Mrs. Micawber having now raised her voice into a perfect scream, I +was so frightened that I ran off to the club-room, and disturbed Mr. +Micawber in the act of presiding at a long table, and leading the chorus +of + + Gee up, Dobbin, + Gee ho, Dobbin, + Gee up, Dobbin, + Gee up, and gee ho--o--o! + +with the tidings that Mrs. Micawber was in an alarming state, upon +which he immediately burst into tears, and came away with me with his +waistcoat full of the heads and tails of shrimps, of which he had been +partaking. + +'Emma, my angel!' cried Mr. Micawber, running into the room; 'what is +the matter?' + +'I never will desert you, Micawber!' she exclaimed. + +'My life!' said Mr. Micawber, taking her in his arms. 'I am perfectly +aware of it.' + +'He is the parent of my children! He is the father of my twins! He is +the husband of my affections,' cried Mrs. Micawber, struggling; 'and I +ne--ver--will--desert Mr. Micawber!' + +Mr. Micawber was so deeply affected by this proof of her devotion (as +to me, I was dissolved in tears), that he hung over her in a passionate +manner, imploring her to look up, and to be calm. But the more he asked +Mrs. Micawber to look up, the more she fixed her eyes on nothing; +and the more he asked her to compose herself, the more she wouldn't. +Consequently Mr. Micawber was soon so overcome, that he mingled his +tears with hers and mine; until he begged me to do him the favour of +taking a chair on the staircase, while he got her into bed. I would have +taken my leave for the night, but he would not hear of my doing that +until the strangers' bell should ring. So I sat at the staircase window, +until he came out with another chair and joined me. + +'How is Mrs. Micawber now, sir?' I said. + +'Very low,' said Mr. Micawber, shaking his head; 'reaction. Ah, this has +been a dreadful day! We stand alone now--everything is gone from us!' + +Mr. Micawber pressed my hand, and groaned, and afterwards shed tears. +I was greatly touched, and disappointed too, for I had expected that we +should be quite gay on this happy and long-looked-for occasion. But Mr. +and Mrs. Micawber were so used to their old difficulties, I think, that +they felt quite shipwrecked when they came to consider that they were +released from them. All their elasticity was departed, and I never saw +them half so wretched as on this night; insomuch that when the bell +rang, and Mr. Micawber walked with me to the lodge, and parted from me +there with a blessing, I felt quite afraid to leave him by himself, he +was so profoundly miserable. + +But through all the confusion and lowness of spirits in which we had +been, so unexpectedly to me, involved, I plainly discerned that Mr. and +Mrs. Micawber and their family were going away from London, and that a +parting between us was near at hand. It was in my walk home that night, +and in the sleepless hours which followed when I lay in bed, that the +thought first occurred to me--though I don't know how it came into my +head--which afterwards shaped itself into a settled resolution. + +I had grown to be so accustomed to the Micawbers, and had been so +intimate with them in their distresses, and was so utterly friendless +without them, that the prospect of being thrown upon some new shift for +a lodging, and going once more among unknown people, was like being that +moment turned adrift into my present life, with such a knowledge of it +ready made as experience had given me. All the sensitive feelings it +wounded so cruelly, all the shame and misery it kept alive within my +breast, became more poignant as I thought of this; and I determined that +the life was unendurable. + +That there was no hope of escape from it, unless the escape was my own +act, I knew quite well. I rarely heard from Miss Murdstone, and never +from Mr. Murdstone: but two or three parcels of made or mended clothes +had come up for me, consigned to Mr. Quinion, and in each there was +a scrap of paper to the effect that J. M. trusted D. C. was applying +himself to business, and devoting himself wholly to his duties--not the +least hint of my ever being anything else than the common drudge into +which I was fast settling down. + +The very next day showed me, while my mind was in the first agitation of +what it had conceived, that Mrs. Micawber had not spoken of their going +away without warrant. They took a lodging in the house where I lived, +for a week; at the expiration of which time they were to start for +Plymouth. Mr. Micawber himself came down to the counting-house, in the +afternoon, to tell Mr. Quinion that he must relinquish me on the day +of his departure, and to give me a high character, which I am sure I +deserved. And Mr. Quinion, calling in Tipp the carman, who was a married +man, and had a room to let, quartered me prospectively on him--by our +mutual consent, as he had every reason to think; for I said nothing, +though my resolution was now taken. + +I passed my evenings with Mr. and Mrs. Micawber, during the remaining +term of our residence under the same roof; and I think we became fonder +of one another as the time went on. On the last Sunday, they invited me +to dinner; and we had a loin of pork and apple sauce, and a pudding. I +had bought a spotted wooden horse over-night as a parting gift to little +Wilkins Micawber--that was the boy--and a doll for little Emma. I had +also bestowed a shilling on the Orfling, who was about to be disbanded. + +We had a very pleasant day, though we were all in a tender state about +our approaching separation. + +'I shall never, Master Copperfield,' said Mrs. Micawber, 'revert to the +period when Mr. Micawber was in difficulties, without thinking of +you. Your conduct has always been of the most delicate and obliging +description. You have never been a lodger. You have been a friend.' + +'My dear,' said Mr. Micawber; 'Copperfield,' for so he had been +accustomed to call me, of late, 'has a heart to feel for the distresses +of his fellow-creatures when they are behind a cloud, and a head to +plan, and a hand to--in short, a general ability to dispose of such +available property as could be made away with.' + +I expressed my sense of this commendation, and said I was very sorry we +were going to lose one another. + +'My dear young friend,' said Mr. Micawber, 'I am older than you; a man +of some experience in life, and--and of some experience, in short, in +difficulties, generally speaking. At present, and until something turns +up (which I am, I may say, hourly expecting), I have nothing to bestow +but advice. Still my advice is so far worth taking, that--in short, that +I have never taken it myself, and am the'--here Mr. Micawber, who had +been beaming and smiling, all over his head and face, up to the present +moment, checked himself and frowned--'the miserable wretch you behold.' + +'My dear Micawber!' urged his wife. + +'I say,' returned Mr. Micawber, quite forgetting himself, and smiling +again, 'the miserable wretch you behold. My advice is, never do tomorrow +what you can do today. Procrastination is the thief of time. Collar +him!' + +'My poor papa's maxim,' Mrs. Micawber observed. + +'My dear,' said Mr. Micawber, 'your papa was very well in his way, and +Heaven forbid that I should disparage him. Take him for all in all, we +ne'er shall--in short, make the acquaintance, probably, of anybody else +possessing, at his time of life, the same legs for gaiters, and able to +read the same description of print, without spectacles. But he applied +that maxim to our marriage, my dear; and that was so far prematurely +entered into, in consequence, that I never recovered the expense.' Mr. +Micawber looked aside at Mrs. Micawber, and added: 'Not that I am sorry +for it. Quite the contrary, my love.' After which, he was grave for a +minute or so. + +'My other piece of advice, Copperfield,' said Mr. Micawber, 'you know. +Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure nineteen nineteen and +six, result happiness. Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure +twenty pounds ought and six, result misery. The blossom is blighted, +the leaf is withered, the god of day goes down upon the dreary scene, +and--and in short you are for ever floored. As I am!' + +To make his example the more impressive, Mr. Micawber drank a glass of +punch with an air of great enjoyment and satisfaction, and whistled the +College Hornpipe. + +I did not fail to assure him that I would store these precepts in my +mind, though indeed I had no need to do so, for, at the time, they +affected me visibly. Next morning I met the whole family at the coach +office, and saw them, with a desolate heart, take their places outside, +at the back. + +'Master Copperfield,' said Mrs. Micawber, 'God bless you! I never can +forget all that, you know, and I never would if I could.' + +'Copperfield,' said Mr. Micawber, 'farewell! Every happiness and +prosperity! If, in the progress of revolving years, I could persuade +myself that my blighted destiny had been a warning to you, I should feel +that I had not occupied another man's place in existence altogether in +vain. In case of anything turning up (of which I am rather confident), +I shall be extremely happy if it should be in my power to improve your +prospects.' + +I think, as Mrs. Micawber sat at the back of the coach, with the +children, and I stood in the road looking wistfully at them, a mist +cleared from her eyes, and she saw what a little creature I really was. +I think so, because she beckoned to me to climb up, with quite a new and +motherly expression in her face, and put her arm round my neck, and gave +me just such a kiss as she might have given to her own boy. I had barely +time to get down again before the coach started, and I could hardly see +the family for the handkerchiefs they waved. It was gone in a minute. +The Orfling and I stood looking vacantly at each other in the middle +of the road, and then shook hands and said good-bye; she going back, +I suppose, to St. Luke's workhouse, as I went to begin my weary day at +Murdstone and Grinby's. + +But with no intention of passing many more weary days there. No. I had +resolved to run away.---To go, by some means or other, down into the +country, to the only relation I had in the world, and tell my story to +my aunt, Miss Betsey. I have already observed that I don't know how this +desperate idea came into my brain. But, once there, it remained there; +and hardened into a purpose than which I have never entertained a more +determined purpose in my life. I am far from sure that I believed there +was anything hopeful in it, but my mind was thoroughly made up that it +must be carried into execution. + +Again, and again, and a hundred times again, since the night when the +thought had first occurred to me and banished sleep, I had gone over +that old story of my poor mother's about my birth, which it had been one +of my great delights in the old time to hear her tell, and which I knew +by heart. My aunt walked into that story, and walked out of it, a dread +and awful personage; but there was one little trait in her behaviour +which I liked to dwell on, and which gave me some faint shadow of +encouragement. I could not forget how my mother had thought that she +felt her touch her pretty hair with no ungentle hand; and though it +might have been altogether my mother's fancy, and might have had no +foundation whatever in fact, I made a little picture, out of it, of my +terrible aunt relenting towards the girlish beauty that I recollected so +well and loved so much, which softened the whole narrative. It is very +possible that it had been in my mind a long time, and had gradually +engendered my determination. + +As I did not even know where Miss Betsey lived, I wrote a long letter +to Peggotty, and asked her, incidentally, if she remembered; pretending +that I had heard of such a lady living at a certain place I named at +random, and had a curiosity to know if it were the same. In the course +of that letter, I told Peggotty that I had a particular occasion for +half a guinea; and that if she could lend me that sum until I could +repay it, I should be very much obliged to her, and would tell her +afterwards what I had wanted it for. + +Peggotty's answer soon arrived, and was, as usual, full of affectionate +devotion. She enclosed the half guinea (I was afraid she must have had +a world of trouble to get it out of Mr. Barkis's box), and told me that +Miss Betsey lived near Dover, but whether at Dover itself, at Hythe, +Sandgate, or Folkestone, she could not say. One of our men, however, +informing me on my asking him about these places, that they were all +close together, I deemed this enough for my object, and resolved to set +out at the end of that week. + +Being a very honest little creature, and unwilling to disgrace the +memory I was going to leave behind me at Murdstone and Grinby's, I +considered myself bound to remain until Saturday night; and, as I had +been paid a week's wages in advance when I first came there, not to +present myself in the counting-house at the usual hour, to receive my +stipend. For this express reason, I had borrowed the half-guinea, that +I might not be without a fund for my travelling-expenses. Accordingly, +when the Saturday night came, and we were all waiting in the warehouse +to be paid, and Tipp the carman, who always took precedence, went in +first to draw his money, I shook Mick Walker by the hand; asked him, +when it came to his turn to be paid, to say to Mr. Quinion that I had +gone to move my box to Tipp's; and, bidding a last good night to Mealy +Potatoes, ran away. + +My box was at my old lodging, over the water, and I had written a +direction for it on the back of one of our address cards that we nailed +on the casks: 'Master David, to be left till called for, at the Coach +Office, Dover.' This I had in my pocket ready to put on the box, after I +should have got it out of the house; and as I went towards my lodging, +I looked about me for someone who would help me to carry it to the +booking-office. + +There was a long-legged young man with a very little empty donkey-cart, +standing near the Obelisk, in the Blackfriars Road, whose eye I caught +as I was going by, and who, addressing me as 'Sixpenn'orth of bad +ha'pence,' hoped 'I should know him agin to swear to'--in allusion, I +have no doubt, to my staring at him. I stopped to assure him that I had +not done so in bad manners, but uncertain whether he might or might not +like a job. + +'Wot job?' said the long-legged young man. + +'To move a box,' I answered. + +'Wot box?' said the long-legged young man. + +I told him mine, which was down that street there, and which I wanted +him to take to the Dover coach office for sixpence. + +'Done with you for a tanner!' said the long-legged young man, and +directly got upon his cart, which was nothing but a large wooden tray on +wheels, and rattled away at such a rate, that it was as much as I could +do to keep pace with the donkey. + +There was a defiant manner about this young man, and particularly about +the way in which he chewed straw as he spoke to me, that I did not much +like; as the bargain was made, however, I took him upstairs to the room +I was leaving, and we brought the box down, and put it on his cart. +Now, I was unwilling to put the direction-card on there, lest any of my +landlord's family should fathom what I was doing, and detain me; so +I said to the young man that I would be glad if he would stop for a +minute, when he came to the dead-wall of the King's Bench prison. The +words were no sooner out of my mouth, than he rattled away as if he, my +box, the cart, and the donkey, were all equally mad; and I was quite out +of breath with running and calling after him, when I caught him at the +place appointed. + +Being much flushed and excited, I tumbled my half-guinea out of my +pocket in pulling the card out. I put it in my mouth for safety, and +though my hands trembled a good deal, had just tied the card on very +much to my satisfaction, when I felt myself violently chucked under the +chin by the long-legged young man, and saw my half-guinea fly out of my +mouth into his hand. + +'Wot!' said the young man, seizing me by my jacket collar, with a +frightful grin. 'This is a pollis case, is it? You're a-going to bolt, +are you? Come to the pollis, you young warmin, come to the pollis!' + +'You give me my money back, if you please,' said I, very much +frightened; 'and leave me alone.' + +'Come to the pollis!' said the young man. 'You shall prove it yourn to +the pollis.' + +'Give me my box and money, will you,' I cried, bursting into tears. + +The young man still replied: 'Come to the pollis!' and was dragging me +against the donkey in a violent manner, as if there were any affinity +between that animal and a magistrate, when he changed his mind, jumped +into the cart, sat upon my box, and, exclaiming that he would drive to +the pollis straight, rattled away harder than ever. + +I ran after him as fast as I could, but I had no breath to call out +with, and should not have dared to call out, now, if I had. I narrowly +escaped being run over, twenty times at least, in half a mile. Now I +lost him, now I saw him, now I lost him, now I was cut at with a whip, +now shouted at, now down in the mud, now up again, now running into +somebody's arms, now running headlong at a post. At length, confused by +fright and heat, and doubting whether half London might not by this time +be turning out for my apprehension, I left the young man to go where +he would with my box and money; and, panting and crying, but never +stopping, faced about for Greenwich, which I had understood was on +the Dover Road: taking very little more out of the world, towards the +retreat of my aunt, Miss Betsey, than I had brought into it, on the +night when my arrival gave her so much umbrage. + + + +CHAPTER 13. THE SEQUEL OF MY RESOLUTION + + +For anything I know, I may have had some wild idea of running all the +way to Dover, when I gave up the pursuit of the young man with the +donkey-cart, and started for Greenwich. My scattered senses were soon +collected as to that point, if I had; for I came to a stop in the Kent +Road, at a terrace with a piece of water before it, and a great foolish +image in the middle, blowing a dry shell. Here I sat down on a doorstep, +quite spent and exhausted with the efforts I had already made, and with +hardly breath enough to cry for the loss of my box and half-guinea. + +It was by this time dark; I heard the clocks strike ten, as I sat +resting. But it was a summer night, fortunately, and fine weather. When +I had recovered my breath, and had got rid of a stifling sensation in +my throat, I rose up and went on. In the midst of my distress, I had no +notion of going back. I doubt if I should have had any, though there had +been a Swiss snow-drift in the Kent Road. + +But my standing possessed of only three-halfpence in the world (and I +am sure I wonder how they came to be left in my pocket on a Saturday +night!) troubled me none the less because I went on. I began to picture +to myself, as a scrap of newspaper intelligence, my being found dead in +a day or two, under some hedge; and I trudged on miserably, though as +fast as I could, until I happened to pass a little shop, where it was +written up that ladies' and gentlemen's wardrobes were bought, and that +the best price was given for rags, bones, and kitchen-stuff. The master +of this shop was sitting at the door in his shirt-sleeves, smoking; and +as there were a great many coats and pairs of trousers dangling from +the low ceiling, and only two feeble candles burning inside to show +what they were, I fancied that he looked like a man of a revengeful +disposition, who had hung all his enemies, and was enjoying himself. + +My late experiences with Mr. and Mrs. Micawber suggested to me that here +might be a means of keeping off the wolf for a little while. I went up +the next by-street, took off my waistcoat, rolled it neatly under my +arm, and came back to the shop door. + +'If you please, sir,' I said, 'I am to sell this for a fair price.' + +Mr. Dolloby--Dolloby was the name over the shop door, at least--took the +waistcoat, stood his pipe on its head, against the door-post, went into +the shop, followed by me, snuffed the two candles with his fingers, +spread the waistcoat on the counter, and looked at it there, held it up +against the light, and looked at it there, and ultimately said: + +'What do you call a price, now, for this here little weskit?' + +'Oh! you know best, sir,' I returned modestly. + +'I can't be buyer and seller too,' said Mr. Dolloby. 'Put a price on +this here little weskit.' + +'Would eighteenpence be?'--I hinted, after some hesitation. + +Mr. Dolloby rolled it up again, and gave it me back. 'I should rob my +family,' he said, 'if I was to offer ninepence for it.' + +This was a disagreeable way of putting the business; because it imposed +upon me, a perfect stranger, the unpleasantness of asking Mr. Dolloby to +rob his family on my account. My circumstances being so very pressing, +however, I said I would take ninepence for it, if he pleased. Mr. +Dolloby, not without some grumbling, gave ninepence. I wished him good +night, and walked out of the shop the richer by that sum, and the +poorer by a waistcoat. But when I buttoned my jacket, that was not much. +Indeed, I foresaw pretty clearly that my jacket would go next, and that +I should have to make the best of my way to Dover in a shirt and a pair +of trousers, and might deem myself lucky if I got there even in that +trim. But my mind did not run so much on this as might be supposed. +Beyond a general impression of the distance before me, and of the young +man with the donkey-cart having used me cruelly, I think I had no +very urgent sense of my difficulties when I once again set off with my +ninepence in my pocket. + +A plan had occurred to me for passing the night, which I was going to +carry into execution. This was, to lie behind the wall at the back of my +old school, in a corner where there used to be a haystack. I imagined +it would be a kind of company to have the boys, and the bedroom where +I used to tell the stories, so near me: although the boys would know +nothing of my being there, and the bedroom would yield me no shelter. + +I had had a hard day's work, and was pretty well jaded when I came +climbing out, at last, upon the level of Blackheath. It cost me some +trouble to find out Salem House; but I found it, and I found a haystack +in the corner, and I lay down by it; having first walked round the wall, +and looked up at the windows, and seen that all was dark and silent +within. Never shall I forget the lonely sensation of first lying down, +without a roof above my head! + +Sleep came upon me as it came on many other outcasts, against whom +house-doors were locked, and house-dogs barked, that night--and I +dreamed of lying on my old school-bed, talking to the boys in my room; +and found myself sitting upright, with Steerforth's name upon my lips, +looking wildly at the stars that were glistening and glimmering above +me. When I remembered where I was at that untimely hour, a feeling +stole upon me that made me get up, afraid of I don't know what, and walk +about. But the fainter glimmering of the stars, and the pale light in +the sky where the day was coming, reassured me: and my eyes being very +heavy, I lay down again and slept--though with a knowledge in my sleep +that it was cold--until the warm beams of the sun, and the ringing of +the getting-up bell at Salem House, awoke me. If I could have hoped that +Steerforth was there, I would have lurked about until he came out +alone; but I knew he must have left long since. Traddles still remained, +perhaps, but it was very doubtful; and I had not sufficient confidence +in his discretion or good luck, however strong my reliance was on his +good nature, to wish to trust him with my situation. So I crept away +from the wall as Mr. Creakle's boys were getting up, and struck into the +long dusty track which I had first known to be the Dover Road when I was +one of them, and when I little expected that any eyes would ever see me +the wayfarer I was now, upon it. + +What a different Sunday morning from the old Sunday morning at Yarmouth! +In due time I heard the church-bells ringing, as I plodded on; and I met +people who were going to church; and I passed a church or two where the +congregation were inside, and the sound of singing came out into the +sunshine, while the beadle sat and cooled himself in the shade of the +porch, or stood beneath the yew-tree, with his hand to his forehead, +glowering at me going by. But the peace and rest of the old Sunday +morning were on everything, except me. That was the difference. I felt +quite wicked in my dirt and dust, with my tangled hair. But for the +quiet picture I had conjured up, of my mother in her youth and beauty, +weeping by the fire, and my aunt relenting to her, I hardly think I +should have had the courage to go on until next day. But it always went +before me, and I followed. + +I got, that Sunday, through three-and-twenty miles on the straight +road, though not very easily, for I was new to that kind of toil. I +see myself, as evening closes in, coming over the bridge at Rochester, +footsore and tired, and eating bread that I had bought for supper. +One or two little houses, with the notice, 'Lodgings for Travellers', +hanging out, had tempted me; but I was afraid of spending the few pence +I had, and was even more afraid of the vicious looks of the trampers I +had met or overtaken. I sought no shelter, therefore, but the sky; and +toiling into Chatham,--which, in that night's aspect, is a mere dream of +chalk, and drawbridges, and mastless ships in a muddy river, roofed +like Noah's arks,--crept, at last, upon a sort of grass-grown battery +overhanging a lane, where a sentry was walking to and fro. Here I +lay down, near a cannon; and, happy in the society of the sentry's +footsteps, though he knew no more of my being above him than the boys +at Salem House had known of my lying by the wall, slept soundly until +morning. + +Very stiff and sore of foot I was in the morning, and quite dazed by the +beating of drums and marching of troops, which seemed to hem me in on +every side when I went down towards the long narrow street. Feeling +that I could go but a very little way that day, if I were to reserve any +strength for getting to my journey's end, I resolved to make the sale +of my jacket its principal business. Accordingly, I took the jacket off, +that I might learn to do without it; and carrying it under my arm, began +a tour of inspection of the various slop-shops. + +It was a likely place to sell a jacket in; for the dealers in +second-hand clothes were numerous, and were, generally speaking, on the +look-out for customers at their shop doors. But as most of them had, +hanging up among their stock, an officer's coat or two, epaulettes and +all, I was rendered timid by the costly nature of their dealings, and +walked about for a long time without offering my merchandise to anyone. + +This modesty of mine directed my attention to the marine-store shops, +and such shops as Mr. Dolloby's, in preference to the regular dealers. +At last I found one that I thought looked promising, at the corner of a +dirty lane, ending in an enclosure full of stinging-nettles, against the +palings of which some second-hand sailors' clothes, that seemed to have +overflowed the shop, were fluttering among some cots, and rusty guns, +and oilskin hats, and certain trays full of so many old rusty keys of so +many sizes that they seemed various enough to open all the doors in the +world. + +Into this shop, which was low and small, and which was darkened +rather than lighted by a little window, overhung with clothes, and was +descended into by some steps, I went with a palpitating heart; which was +not relieved when an ugly old man, with the lower part of his face all +covered with a stubbly grey beard, rushed out of a dirty den behind it, +and seized me by the hair of my head. He was a dreadful old man to look +at, in a filthy flannel waistcoat, and smelling terribly of rum. His +bedstead, covered with a tumbled and ragged piece of patchwork, was in +the den he had come from, where another little window showed a prospect +of more stinging-nettles, and a lame donkey. + +'Oh, what do you want?' grinned this old man, in a fierce, monotonous +whine. 'Oh, my eyes and limbs, what do you want? Oh, my lungs and liver, +what do you want? Oh, goroo, goroo!' + +I was so much dismayed by these words, and particularly by the +repetition of the last unknown one, which was a kind of rattle in his +throat, that I could make no answer; hereupon the old man, still holding +me by the hair, repeated: + +'Oh, what do you want? Oh, my eyes and limbs, what do you want? Oh, my +lungs and liver, what do you want? Oh, goroo!'--which he screwed out of +himself, with an energy that made his eyes start in his head. + +'I wanted to know,' I said, trembling, 'if you would buy a jacket.' + +'Oh, let's see the jacket!' cried the old man. 'Oh, my heart on fire, +show the jacket to us! Oh, my eyes and limbs, bring the jacket out!' + +With that he took his trembling hands, which were like the claws of a +great bird, out of my hair; and put on a pair of spectacles, not at all +ornamental to his inflamed eyes. + +'Oh, how much for the jacket?' cried the old man, after examining it. +'Oh--goroo!--how much for the jacket?' + +'Half-a-crown,' I answered, recovering myself. + +'Oh, my lungs and liver,' cried the old man, 'no! Oh, my eyes, no! Oh, +my limbs, no! Eighteenpence. Goroo!' + +Every time he uttered this ejaculation, his eyes seemed to be in danger +of starting out; and every sentence he spoke, he delivered in a sort +of tune, always exactly the same, and more like a gust of wind, which +begins low, mounts up high, and falls again, than any other comparison I +can find for it. + +'Well,' said I, glad to have closed the bargain, 'I'll take +eighteenpence.' + +'Oh, my liver!' cried the old man, throwing the jacket on a shelf. 'Get +out of the shop! Oh, my lungs, get out of the shop! Oh, my eyes and +limbs--goroo!--don't ask for money; make it an exchange.' I never was +so frightened in my life, before or since; but I told him humbly that +I wanted money, and that nothing else was of any use to me, but that I +would wait for it, as he desired, outside, and had no wish to hurry +him. So I went outside, and sat down in the shade in a corner. And I sat +there so many hours, that the shade became sunlight, and the sunlight +became shade again, and still I sat there waiting for the money. + +There never was such another drunken madman in that line of business, +I hope. That he was well known in the neighbourhood, and enjoyed the +reputation of having sold himself to the devil, I soon understood from +the visits he received from the boys, who continually came skirmishing +about the shop, shouting that legend, and calling to him to bring out +his gold. 'You ain't poor, you know, Charley, as you pretend. Bring out +your gold. Bring out some of the gold you sold yourself to the devil +for. Come! It's in the lining of the mattress, Charley. Rip it open +and let's have some!' This, and many offers to lend him a knife for +the purpose, exasperated him to such a degree, that the whole day was a +succession of rushes on his part, and flights on the part of the boys. +Sometimes in his rage he would take me for one of them, and come at me, +mouthing as if he were going to tear me in pieces; then, remembering +me, just in time, would dive into the shop, and lie upon his bed, as I +thought from the sound of his voice, yelling in a frantic way, to his +own windy tune, the 'Death of Nelson'; with an Oh! before every line, +and innumerable Goroos interspersed. As if this were not bad enough for +me, the boys, connecting me with the establishment, on account of the +patience and perseverance with which I sat outside, half-dressed, pelted +me, and used me very ill all day. + +He made many attempts to induce me to consent to an exchange; at one +time coming out with a fishing-rod, at another with a fiddle, at another +with a cocked hat, at another with a flute. But I resisted all these +overtures, and sat there in desperation; each time asking him, with +tears in my eyes, for my money or my jacket. At last he began to pay me +in halfpence at a time; and was full two hours getting by easy stages to +a shilling. + +'Oh, my eyes and limbs!' he then cried, peeping hideously out of the +shop, after a long pause, 'will you go for twopence more?' + +'I can't,' I said; 'I shall be starved.' + +'Oh, my lungs and liver, will you go for threepence?' + +'I would go for nothing, if I could,' I said, 'but I want the money +badly.' + +'Oh, go-roo!' (it is really impossible to express how he twisted this +ejaculation out of himself, as he peeped round the door-post at me, +showing nothing but his crafty old head); 'will you go for fourpence?' + +I was so faint and weary that I closed with this offer; and taking the +money out of his claw, not without trembling, went away more hungry and +thirsty than I had ever been, a little before sunset. But at an expense +of threepence I soon refreshed myself completely; and, being in better +spirits then, limped seven miles upon my road. + +My bed at night was under another haystack, where I rested comfortably, +after having washed my blistered feet in a stream, and dressed them as +well as I was able, with some cool leaves. When I took the road again +next morning, I found that it lay through a succession of hop-grounds +and orchards. It was sufficiently late in the year for the orchards +to be ruddy with ripe apples; and in a few places the hop-pickers were +already at work. I thought it all extremely beautiful, and made up +my mind to sleep among the hops that night: imagining some cheerful +companionship in the long perspectives of poles, with the graceful +leaves twining round them. + +The trampers were worse than ever that day, and inspired me with a +dread that is yet quite fresh in my mind. Some of them were most +ferocious-looking ruffians, who stared at me as I went by; and stopped, +perhaps, and called after me to come back and speak to them, and when I +took to my heels, stoned me. I recollect one young fellow--a tinker, I +suppose, from his wallet and brazier--who had a woman with him, and +who faced about and stared at me thus; and then roared to me in such a +tremendous voice to come back, that I halted and looked round. + +'Come here, when you're called,' said the tinker, 'or I'll rip your +young body open.' + +I thought it best to go back. As I drew nearer to them, trying to +propitiate the tinker by my looks, I observed that the woman had a black +eye. + +'Where are you going?' said the tinker, gripping the bosom of my shirt +with his blackened hand. + +'I am going to Dover,' I said. + +'Where do you come from?' asked the tinker, giving his hand another turn +in my shirt, to hold me more securely. + +'I come from London,' I said. + +'What lay are you upon?' asked the tinker. 'Are you a prig?' + +'N-no,' I said. + +'Ain't you, by G--? If you make a brag of your honesty to me,' said the +tinker, 'I'll knock your brains out.' + +With his disengaged hand he made a menace of striking me, and then +looked at me from head to foot. + +'Have you got the price of a pint of beer about you?' said the tinker. +'If you have, out with it, afore I take it away!' + +I should certainly have produced it, but that I met the woman's look, +and saw her very slightly shake her head, and form 'No!' with her lips. + +'I am very poor,' I said, attempting to smile, 'and have got no money.' + +'Why, what do you mean?' said the tinker, looking so sternly at me, that +I almost feared he saw the money in my pocket. + +'Sir!' I stammered. + +'What do you mean,' said the tinker, 'by wearing my brother's silk +handkerchief! Give it over here!' And he had mine off my neck in a +moment, and tossed it to the woman. + +The woman burst into a fit of laughter, as if she thought this a joke, +and tossed it back to me, nodded once, as slightly as before, and made +the word 'Go!' with her lips. Before I could obey, however, the tinker +seized the handkerchief out of my hand with a roughness that threw me +away like a feather, and putting it loosely round his own neck, turned +upon the woman with an oath, and knocked her down. I never shall forget +seeing her fall backward on the hard road, and lie there with her bonnet +tumbled off, and her hair all whitened in the dust; nor, when I looked +back from a distance, seeing her sitting on the pathway, which was a +bank by the roadside, wiping the blood from her face with a corner of +her shawl, while he went on ahead. + +This adventure frightened me so, that, afterwards, when I saw any of +these people coming, I turned back until I could find a hiding-place, +where I remained until they had gone out of sight; which happened so +often, that I was very seriously delayed. But under this difficulty, as +under all the other difficulties of my journey, I seemed to be sustained +and led on by my fanciful picture of my mother in her youth, before I +came into the world. It always kept me company. It was there, among +the hops, when I lay down to sleep; it was with me on my waking in the +morning; it went before me all day. I have associated it, ever since, +with the sunny street of Canterbury, dozing as it were in the hot light; +and with the sight of its old houses and gateways, and the stately, +grey Cathedral, with the rooks sailing round the towers. When I came, +at last, upon the bare, wide downs near Dover, it relieved the solitary +aspect of the scene with hope; and not until I reached that first great +aim of my journey, and actually set foot in the town itself, on the +sixth day of my flight, did it desert me. But then, strange to say, +when I stood with my ragged shoes, and my dusty, sunburnt, half-clothed +figure, in the place so long desired, it seemed to vanish like a dream, +and to leave me helpless and dispirited. + +I inquired about my aunt among the boatmen first, and received various +answers. One said she lived in the South Foreland Light, and had singed +her whiskers by doing so; another, that she was made fast to the great +buoy outside the harbour, and could only be visited at half-tide; a +third, that she was locked up in Maidstone jail for child-stealing; a +fourth, that she was seen to mount a broom in the last high wind, and +make direct for Calais. The fly-drivers, among whom I inquired next, +were equally jocose and equally disrespectful; and the shopkeepers, not +liking my appearance, generally replied, without hearing what I had +to say, that they had got nothing for me. I felt more miserable and +destitute than I had done at any period of my running away. My money was +all gone, I had nothing left to dispose of; I was hungry, thirsty, and +worn out; and seemed as distant from my end as if I had remained in +London. + +The morning had worn away in these inquiries, and I was sitting on +the step of an empty shop at a street corner, near the market-place, +deliberating upon wandering towards those other places which had been +mentioned, when a fly-driver, coming by with his carriage, dropped a +horsecloth. Something good-natured in the man's face, as I handed it up, +encouraged me to ask him if he could tell me where Miss Trotwood lived; +though I had asked the question so often, that it almost died upon my +lips. + +'Trotwood,' said he. 'Let me see. I know the name, too. Old lady?' + +'Yes,' I said, 'rather.' + +'Pretty stiff in the back?' said he, making himself upright. + +'Yes,' I said. 'I should think it very likely.' + +'Carries a bag?' said he--'bag with a good deal of room in it--is +gruffish, and comes down upon you, sharp?' + +My heart sank within me as I acknowledged the undoubted accuracy of this +description. + +'Why then, I tell you what,' said he. 'If you go up there,' pointing +with his whip towards the heights, 'and keep right on till you come to +some houses facing the sea, I think you'll hear of her. My opinion is +she won't stand anything, so here's a penny for you.' + +I accepted the gift thankfully, and bought a loaf with it. Dispatching +this refreshment by the way, I went in the direction my friend had +indicated, and walked on a good distance without coming to the houses +he had mentioned. At length I saw some before me; and approaching them, +went into a little shop (it was what we used to call a general shop, +at home), and inquired if they could have the goodness to tell me where +Miss Trotwood lived. I addressed myself to a man behind the counter, +who was weighing some rice for a young woman; but the latter, taking the +inquiry to herself, turned round quickly. + +'My mistress?' she said. 'What do you want with her, boy?' + +'I want,' I replied, 'to speak to her, if you please.' + +'To beg of her, you mean,' retorted the damsel. + +'No,' I said, 'indeed.' But suddenly remembering that in truth I came +for no other purpose, I held my peace in confusion, and felt my face +burn. + +My aunt's handmaid, as I supposed she was from what she had said, put +her rice in a little basket and walked out of the shop; telling me that +I could follow her, if I wanted to know where Miss Trotwood lived. I +needed no second permission; though I was by this time in such a state +of consternation and agitation, that my legs shook under me. I followed +the young woman, and we soon came to a very neat little cottage with +cheerful bow-windows: in front of it, a small square gravelled court or +garden full of flowers, carefully tended, and smelling deliciously. + +'This is Miss Trotwood's,' said the young woman. 'Now you know; and +that's all I have got to say.' With which words she hurried into the +house, as if to shake off the responsibility of my appearance; and left +me standing at the garden-gate, looking disconsolately over the top of +it towards the parlour window, where a muslin curtain partly undrawn +in the middle, a large round green screen or fan fastened on to the +windowsill, a small table, and a great chair, suggested to me that my +aunt might be at that moment seated in awful state. + +My shoes were by this time in a woeful condition. The soles had shed +themselves bit by bit, and the upper leathers had broken and burst until +the very shape and form of shoes had departed from them. My hat (which +had served me for a night-cap, too) was so crushed and bent, that no old +battered handleless saucepan on a dunghill need have been ashamed to vie +with it. My shirt and trousers, stained with heat, dew, grass, and +the Kentish soil on which I had slept--and torn besides--might have +frightened the birds from my aunt's garden, as I stood at the gate. My +hair had known no comb or brush since I left London. My face, neck, and +hands, from unaccustomed exposure to the air and sun, were burnt to a +berry-brown. From head to foot I was powdered almost as white with chalk +and dust, as if I had come out of a lime-kiln. In this plight, and with +a strong consciousness of it, I waited to introduce myself to, and make +my first impression on, my formidable aunt. + +The unbroken stillness of the parlour window leading me to infer, after +a while, that she was not there, I lifted up my eyes to the window above +it, where I saw a florid, pleasant-looking gentleman, with a grey head, +who shut up one eye in a grotesque manner, nodded his head at me several +times, shook it at me as often, laughed, and went away. + +I had been discomposed enough before; but I was so much the more +discomposed by this unexpected behaviour, that I was on the point of +slinking off, to think how I had best proceed, when there came out of +the house a lady with her handkerchief tied over her cap, and a pair +of gardening gloves on her hands, wearing a gardening pocket like a +toll-man's apron, and carrying a great knife. I knew her immediately +to be Miss Betsey, for she came stalking out of the house exactly as +my poor mother had so often described her stalking up our garden at +Blunderstone Rookery. + +'Go away!' said Miss Betsey, shaking her head, and making a distant chop +in the air with her knife. 'Go along! No boys here!' + +I watched her, with my heart at my lips, as she marched to a corner of +her garden, and stooped to dig up some little root there. Then, without +a scrap of courage, but with a great deal of desperation, I went softly +in and stood beside her, touching her with my finger. + +'If you please, ma'am,' I began. + +She started and looked up. + +'If you please, aunt.' + +'EH?' exclaimed Miss Betsey, in a tone of amazement I have never heard +approached. + +'If you please, aunt, I am your nephew.' + +'Oh, Lord!' said my aunt. And sat flat down in the garden-path. + +'I am David Copperfield, of Blunderstone, in Suffolk--where you came, +on the night when I was born, and saw my dear mama. I have been very +unhappy since she died. I have been slighted, and taught nothing, and +thrown upon myself, and put to work not fit for me. It made me run away +to you. I was robbed at first setting out, and have walked all the +way, and have never slept in a bed since I began the journey.' Here +my self-support gave way all at once; and with a movement of my hands, +intended to show her my ragged state, and call it to witness that I had +suffered something, I broke into a passion of crying, which I suppose +had been pent up within me all the week. + +My aunt, with every sort of expression but wonder discharged from her +countenance, sat on the gravel, staring at me, until I began to cry; +when she got up in a great hurry, collared me, and took me into the +parlour. Her first proceeding there was to unlock a tall press, bring +out several bottles, and pour some of the contents of each into my +mouth. I think they must have been taken out at random, for I am sure +I tasted aniseed water, anchovy sauce, and salad dressing. When she had +administered these restoratives, as I was still quite hysterical, and +unable to control my sobs, she put me on the sofa, with a shawl under +my head, and the handkerchief from her own head under my feet, lest I +should sully the cover; and then, sitting herself down behind the green +fan or screen I have already mentioned, so that I could not see her +face, ejaculated at intervals, 'Mercy on us!' letting those exclamations +off like minute guns. + +After a time she rang the bell. 'Janet,' said my aunt, when her servant +came in. 'Go upstairs, give my compliments to Mr. Dick, and say I wish +to speak to him.' + +Janet looked a little surprised to see me lying stiffly on the sofa (I +was afraid to move lest it should be displeasing to my aunt), but went +on her errand. My aunt, with her hands behind her, walked up and down +the room, until the gentleman who had squinted at me from the upper +window came in laughing. + +'Mr. Dick,' said my aunt, 'don't be a fool, because nobody can be more +discreet than you can, when you choose. We all know that. So don't be a +fool, whatever you are.' + +The gentleman was serious immediately, and looked at me, I thought, as +if he would entreat me to say nothing about the window. + +'Mr. Dick,' said my aunt, 'you have heard me mention David Copperfield? +Now don't pretend not to have a memory, because you and I know better.' + +'David Copperfield?' said Mr. Dick, who did not appear to me to +remember much about it. 'David Copperfield? Oh yes, to be sure. David, +certainly.' + +'Well,' said my aunt, 'this is his boy--his son. He would be as like his +father as it's possible to be, if he was not so like his mother, too.' + +'His son?' said Mr. Dick. 'David's son? Indeed!' + +'Yes,' pursued my aunt, 'and he has done a pretty piece of business. +He has run away. Ah! His sister, Betsey Trotwood, never would have run +away.' My aunt shook her head firmly, confident in the character and +behaviour of the girl who never was born. + +'Oh! you think she wouldn't have run away?' said Mr. Dick. + +'Bless and save the man,' exclaimed my aunt, sharply, 'how he talks! +Don't I know she wouldn't? She would have lived with her god-mother, +and we should have been devoted to one another. Where, in the name of +wonder, should his sister, Betsey Trotwood, have run from, or to?' + +'Nowhere,' said Mr. Dick. + +'Well then,' returned my aunt, softened by the reply, 'how can you +pretend to be wool-gathering, Dick, when you are as sharp as a surgeon's +lancet? Now, here you see young David Copperfield, and the question I +put to you is, what shall I do with him?' + +'What shall you do with him?' said Mr. Dick, feebly, scratching his +head. 'Oh! do with him?' + +'Yes,' said my aunt, with a grave look, and her forefinger held up. +'Come! I want some very sound advice.' + +'Why, if I was you,' said Mr. Dick, considering, and looking vacantly +at me, 'I should--' The contemplation of me seemed to inspire him with a +sudden idea, and he added, briskly, 'I should wash him!' + +'Janet,' said my aunt, turning round with a quiet triumph, which I did +not then understand, 'Mr. Dick sets us all right. Heat the bath!' + +Although I was deeply interested in this dialogue, I could not help +observing my aunt, Mr. Dick, and Janet, while it was in progress, and +completing a survey I had already been engaged in making of the room. + +My aunt was a tall, hard-featured lady, but by no means ill-looking. +There was an inflexibility in her face, in her voice, in her gait and +carriage, amply sufficient to account for the effect she had made upon +a gentle creature like my mother; but her features were rather handsome +than otherwise, though unbending and austere. I particularly noticed +that she had a very quick, bright eye. Her hair, which was grey, was +arranged in two plain divisions, under what I believe would be called a +mob-cap; I mean a cap, much more common then than now, with side-pieces +fastening under the chin. Her dress was of a lavender colour, and +perfectly neat; but scantily made, as if she desired to be as little +encumbered as possible. I remember that I thought it, in form, more like +a riding-habit with the superfluous skirt cut off, than anything else. +She wore at her side a gentleman's gold watch, if I might judge from its +size and make, with an appropriate chain and seals; she had some linen +at her throat not unlike a shirt-collar, and things at her wrists like +little shirt-wristbands. + +Mr. Dick, as I have already said, was grey-headed, and florid: I should +have said all about him, in saying so, had not his head been curiously +bowed--not by age; it reminded me of one of Mr. Creakle's boys' heads +after a beating--and his grey eyes prominent and large, with a strange +kind of watery brightness in them that made me, in combination with his +vacant manner, his submission to my aunt, and his childish delight when +she praised him, suspect him of being a little mad; though, if he were +mad, how he came to be there puzzled me extremely. He was dressed +like any other ordinary gentleman, in a loose grey morning coat and +waistcoat, and white trousers; and had his watch in his fob, and his +money in his pockets: which he rattled as if he were very proud of it. + +Janet was a pretty blooming girl, of about nineteen or twenty, and a +perfect picture of neatness. Though I made no further observation of +her at the moment, I may mention here what I did not discover until +afterwards, namely, that she was one of a series of protegees whom my +aunt had taken into her service expressly to educate in a renouncement +of mankind, and who had generally completed their abjuration by marrying +the baker. + +The room was as neat as Janet or my aunt. As I laid down my pen, a +moment since, to think of it, the air from the sea came blowing +in again, mixed with the perfume of the flowers; and I saw the +old-fashioned furniture brightly rubbed and polished, my aunt's +inviolable chair and table by the round green fan in the bow-window, the +drugget-covered carpet, the cat, the kettle-holder, the two canaries, +the old china, the punchbowl full of dried rose-leaves, the tall press +guarding all sorts of bottles and pots, and, wonderfully out of keeping +with the rest, my dusty self upon the sofa, taking note of everything. + +Janet had gone away to get the bath ready, when my aunt, to my great +alarm, became in one moment rigid with indignation, and had hardly voice +to cry out, 'Janet! Donkeys!' + +Upon which, Janet came running up the stairs as if the house were in +flames, darted out on a little piece of green in front, and warned off +two saddle-donkeys, lady-ridden, that had presumed to set hoof upon it; +while my aunt, rushing out of the house, seized the bridle of a third +animal laden with a bestriding child, turned him, led him forth from +those sacred precincts, and boxed the ears of the unlucky urchin in +attendance who had dared to profane that hallowed ground. + +To this hour I don't know whether my aunt had any lawful right of way +over that patch of green; but she had settled it in her own mind that +she had, and it was all the same to her. The one great outrage of her +life, demanding to be constantly avenged, was the passage of a donkey +over that immaculate spot. In whatever occupation she was engaged, +however interesting to her the conversation in which she was taking +part, a donkey turned the current of her ideas in a moment, and she was +upon him straight. Jugs of water, and watering-pots, were kept in secret +places ready to be discharged on the offending boys; sticks were laid +in ambush behind the door; sallies were made at all hours; and +incessant war prevailed. Perhaps this was an agreeable excitement to the +donkey-boys; or perhaps the more sagacious of the donkeys, understanding +how the case stood, delighted with constitutional obstinacy in coming +that way. I only know that there were three alarms before the bath was +ready; and that on the occasion of the last and most desperate of all, +I saw my aunt engage, single-handed, with a sandy-headed lad of fifteen, +and bump his sandy head against her own gate, before he seemed to +comprehend what was the matter. These interruptions were of the more +ridiculous to me, because she was giving me broth out of a table-spoon +at the time (having firmly persuaded herself that I was actually +starving, and must receive nourishment at first in very small +quantities), and, while my mouth was yet open to receive the spoon, she +would put it back into the basin, cry 'Janet! Donkeys!' and go out to +the assault. + +The bath was a great comfort. For I began to be sensible of acute pains +in my limbs from lying out in the fields, and was now so tired and low +that I could hardly keep myself awake for five minutes together. When I +had bathed, they (I mean my aunt and Janet) enrobed me in a shirt and a +pair of trousers belonging to Mr. Dick, and tied me up in two or three +great shawls. What sort of bundle I looked like, I don't know, but I +felt a very hot one. Feeling also very faint and drowsy, I soon lay down +on the sofa again and fell asleep. + +It might have been a dream, originating in the fancy which had occupied +my mind so long, but I awoke with the impression that my aunt had come +and bent over me, and had put my hair away from my face, and laid my +head more comfortably, and had then stood looking at me. The words, +'Pretty fellow,' or 'Poor fellow,' seemed to be in my ears, too; but +certainly there was nothing else, when I awoke, to lead me to believe +that they had been uttered by my aunt, who sat in the bow-window gazing +at the sea from behind the green fan, which was mounted on a kind of +swivel, and turned any way. + +We dined soon after I awoke, off a roast fowl and a pudding; I sitting +at table, not unlike a trussed bird myself, and moving my arms with +considerable difficulty. But as my aunt had swathed me up, I made no +complaint of being inconvenienced. All this time I was deeply anxious +to know what she was going to do with me; but she took her dinner in +profound silence, except when she occasionally fixed her eyes on me +sitting opposite, and said, 'Mercy upon us!' which did not by any means +relieve my anxiety. + +The cloth being drawn, and some sherry put upon the table (of which I +had a glass), my aunt sent up for Mr. Dick again, who joined us, and +looked as wise as he could when she requested him to attend to my story, +which she elicited from me, gradually, by a course of questions. During +my recital, she kept her eyes on Mr. Dick, who I thought would have gone +to sleep but for that, and who, whensoever he lapsed into a smile, was +checked by a frown from my aunt. + +'Whatever possessed that poor unfortunate Baby, that she must go and be +married again,' said my aunt, when I had finished, 'I can't conceive.' + +'Perhaps she fell in love with her second husband,' Mr. Dick suggested. + +'Fell in love!' repeated my aunt. 'What do you mean? What business had +she to do it?' + +'Perhaps,' Mr. Dick simpered, after thinking a little, 'she did it for +pleasure.' + +'Pleasure, indeed!' replied my aunt. 'A mighty pleasure for the poor +Baby to fix her simple faith upon any dog of a fellow, certain to +ill-use her in some way or other. What did she propose to herself, +I should like to know! She had had one husband. She had seen David +Copperfield out of the world, who was always running after wax dolls +from his cradle. She had got a baby--oh, there were a pair of babies +when she gave birth to this child sitting here, that Friday night!--and +what more did she want?' + +Mr. Dick secretly shook his head at me, as if he thought there was no +getting over this. + +'She couldn't even have a baby like anybody else,' said my aunt. 'Where +was this child's sister, Betsey Trotwood? Not forthcoming. Don't tell +me!' + +Mr. Dick seemed quite frightened. + +'That little man of a doctor, with his head on one side,' said my aunt, +'Jellips, or whatever his name was, what was he about? All he could do, +was to say to me, like a robin redbreast--as he is--"It's a boy." A boy! +Yah, the imbecility of the whole set of 'em!' + +The heartiness of the ejaculation startled Mr. Dick exceedingly; and me, +too, if I am to tell the truth. + +'And then, as if this was not enough, and she had not stood sufficiently +in the light of this child's sister, Betsey Trotwood,' said my aunt, +'she marries a second time--goes and marries a Murderer--or a man with +a name like it--and stands in THIS child's light! And the natural +consequence is, as anybody but a baby might have foreseen, that he +prowls and wanders. He's as like Cain before he was grown up, as he can +be.' + +Mr. Dick looked hard at me, as if to identify me in this character. + +'And then there's that woman with the Pagan name,' said my aunt, 'that +Peggotty, she goes and gets married next. Because she has not seen +enough of the evil attending such things, she goes and gets married +next, as the child relates. I only hope,' said my aunt, shaking her +head, 'that her husband is one of those Poker husbands who abound in the +newspapers, and will beat her well with one.' + +I could not bear to hear my old nurse so decried, and made the subject +of such a wish. I told my aunt that indeed she was mistaken. That +Peggotty was the best, the truest, the most faithful, most devoted, and +most self-denying friend and servant in the world; who had ever loved +me dearly, who had ever loved my mother dearly; who had held my mother's +dying head upon her arm, on whose face my mother had imprinted her last +grateful kiss. And my remembrance of them both, choking me, I broke down +as I was trying to say that her home was my home, and that all she had +was mine, and that I would have gone to her for shelter, but for her +humble station, which made me fear that I might bring some trouble on +her--I broke down, I say, as I was trying to say so, and laid my face in +my hands upon the table. + +'Well, well!' said my aunt, 'the child is right to stand by those who +have stood by him--Janet! Donkeys!' + +I thoroughly believe that but for those unfortunate donkeys, we should +have come to a good understanding; for my aunt had laid her hand on my +shoulder, and the impulse was upon me, thus emboldened, to embrace her +and beseech her protection. But the interruption, and the disorder she +was thrown into by the struggle outside, put an end to all softer ideas +for the present, and kept my aunt indignantly declaiming to Mr. Dick +about her determination to appeal for redress to the laws of her +country, and to bring actions for trespass against the whole donkey +proprietorship of Dover, until tea-time. + +After tea, we sat at the window--on the look-out, as I imagined, from +my aunt's sharp expression of face, for more invaders--until dusk, when +Janet set candles, and a backgammon-board, on the table, and pulled down +the blinds. + +'Now, Mr. Dick,' said my aunt, with her grave look, and her forefinger +up as before, 'I am going to ask you another question. Look at this +child.' + +'David's son?' said Mr. Dick, with an attentive, puzzled face. + +'Exactly so,' returned my aunt. 'What would you do with him, now?' + +'Do with David's son?' said Mr. Dick. + +'Ay,' replied my aunt, 'with David's son.' + +'Oh!' said Mr. Dick. 'Yes. Do with--I should put him to bed.' + +'Janet!' cried my aunt, with the same complacent triumph that I had +remarked before. 'Mr. Dick sets us all right. If the bed is ready, we'll +take him up to it.' + +Janet reporting it to be quite ready, I was taken up to it; kindly, but +in some sort like a prisoner; my aunt going in front and Janet bringing +up the rear. The only circumstance which gave me any new hope, was my +aunt's stopping on the stairs to inquire about a smell of fire that was +prevalent there; and janet's replying that she had been making tinder +down in the kitchen, of my old shirt. But there were no other clothes in +my room than the odd heap of things I wore; and when I was left there, +with a little taper which my aunt forewarned me would burn exactly five +minutes, I heard them lock my door on the outside. Turning these things +over in my mind I deemed it possible that my aunt, who could know +nothing of me, might suspect I had a habit of running away, and took +precautions, on that account, to have me in safe keeping. + +The room was a pleasant one, at the top of the house, overlooking the +sea, on which the moon was shining brilliantly. After I had said my +prayers, and the candle had burnt out, I remember how I still sat +looking at the moonlight on the water, as if I could hope to read my +fortune in it, as in a bright book; or to see my mother with her child, +coming from Heaven, along that shining path, to look upon me as she had +looked when I last saw her sweet face. I remember how the solemn feeling +with which at length I turned my eyes away, yielded to the sensation of +gratitude and rest which the sight of the white-curtained bed--and how +much more the lying softly down upon it, nestling in the snow-white +sheets!--inspired. I remember how I thought of all the solitary places +under the night sky where I had slept, and how I prayed that I never +might be houseless any more, and never might forget the houseless. I +remember how I seemed to float, then, down the melancholy glory of that +track upon the sea, away into the world of dreams. + + + +CHAPTER 14. MY AUNT MAKES UP HER MIND ABOUT ME + + +On going down in the morning, I found my aunt musing so profoundly over +the breakfast table, with her elbow on the tray, that the contents of +the urn had overflowed the teapot and were laying the whole table-cloth +under water, when my entrance put her meditations to flight. I felt sure +that I had been the subject of her reflections, and was more than ever +anxious to know her intentions towards me. Yet I dared not express my +anxiety, lest it should give her offence. + +My eyes, however, not being so much under control as my tongue, were +attracted towards my aunt very often during breakfast. I never could +look at her for a few moments together but I found her looking at me--in +an odd thoughtful manner, as if I were an immense way off, instead of +being on the other side of the small round table. When she had finished +her breakfast, my aunt very deliberately leaned back in her chair, +knitted her brows, folded her arms, and contemplated me at her leisure, +with such a fixedness of attention that I was quite overpowered by +embarrassment. Not having as yet finished my own breakfast, I attempted +to hide my confusion by proceeding with it; but my knife tumbled over my +fork, my fork tripped up my knife, I chipped bits of bacon a surprising +height into the air instead of cutting them for my own eating, and +choked myself with my tea, which persisted in going the wrong way +instead of the right one, until I gave in altogether, and sat blushing +under my aunt's close scrutiny. + +'Hallo!' said my aunt, after a long time. + +I looked up, and met her sharp bright glance respectfully. + +'I have written to him,' said my aunt. + +'To--?' + +'To your father-in-law,' said my aunt. 'I have sent him a letter that +I'll trouble him to attend to, or he and I will fall out, I can tell +him!' + +'Does he know where I am, aunt?' I inquired, alarmed. + +'I have told him,' said my aunt, with a nod. + +'Shall I--be--given up to him?' I faltered. + +'I don't know,' said my aunt. 'We shall see.' + +'Oh! I can't think what I shall do,' I exclaimed, 'if I have to go back +to Mr. Murdstone!' + +'I don't know anything about it,' said my aunt, shaking her head. 'I +can't say, I am sure. We shall see.' + +My spirits sank under these words, and I became very downcast and heavy +of heart. My aunt, without appearing to take much heed of me, put on a +coarse apron with a bib, which she took out of the press; washed up the +teacups with her own hands; and, when everything was washed and set in +the tray again, and the cloth folded and put on the top of the whole, +rang for Janet to remove it. She next swept up the crumbs with a little +broom (putting on a pair of gloves first), until there did not appear +to be one microscopic speck left on the carpet; next dusted and arranged +the room, which was dusted and arranged to a hair's breadth already. +When all these tasks were performed to her satisfaction, she took off +the gloves and apron, folded them up, put them in the particular corner +of the press from which they had been taken, brought out her work-box +to her own table in the open window, and sat down, with the green fan +between her and the light, to work. + +'I wish you'd go upstairs,' said my aunt, as she threaded her needle, +'and give my compliments to Mr. Dick, and I'll be glad to know how he +gets on with his Memorial.' + +I rose with all alacrity, to acquit myself of this commission. + +'I suppose,' said my aunt, eyeing me as narrowly as she had eyed the +needle in threading it, 'you think Mr. Dick a short name, eh?' + +'I thought it was rather a short name, yesterday,' I confessed. + +'You are not to suppose that he hasn't got a longer name, if he chose +to use it,' said my aunt, with a loftier air. 'Babley--Mr. Richard +Babley--that's the gentleman's true name.' + +I was going to suggest, with a modest sense of my youth and the +familiarity I had been already guilty of, that I had better give him the +full benefit of that name, when my aunt went on to say: + +'But don't you call him by it, whatever you do. He can't bear his name. +That's a peculiarity of his. Though I don't know that it's much of a +peculiarity, either; for he has been ill-used enough, by some that bear +it, to have a mortal antipathy for it, Heaven knows. Mr. Dick is his +name here, and everywhere else, now--if he ever went anywhere else, +which he don't. So take care, child, you don't call him anything BUT Mr. +Dick.' + +I promised to obey, and went upstairs with my message; thinking, as I +went, that if Mr. Dick had been working at his Memorial long, at the +same rate as I had seen him working at it, through the open door, when +I came down, he was probably getting on very well indeed. I found him +still driving at it with a long pen, and his head almost laid upon the +paper. He was so intent upon it, that I had ample leisure to observe the +large paper kite in a corner, the confusion of bundles of manuscript, +the number of pens, and, above all, the quantity of ink (which he seemed +to have in, in half-gallon jars by the dozen), before he observed my +being present. + +'Ha! Phoebus!' said Mr. Dick, laying down his pen. 'How does the world +go? I'll tell you what,' he added, in a lower tone, 'I shouldn't wish it +to be mentioned, but it's a--' here he beckoned to me, and put his lips +close to my ear--'it's a mad world. Mad as Bedlam, boy!' said Mr. Dick, +taking snuff from a round box on the table, and laughing heartily. + +Without presuming to give my opinion on this question, I delivered my +message. + +'Well,' said Mr. Dick, in answer, 'my compliments to her, and I--I +believe I have made a start. I think I have made a start,' said Mr. +Dick, passing his hand among his grey hair, and casting anything but a +confident look at his manuscript. 'You have been to school?' + +'Yes, sir,' I answered; 'for a short time.' + +'Do you recollect the date,' said Mr. Dick, looking earnestly at me, and +taking up his pen to note it down, 'when King Charles the First had his +head cut off?' I said I believed it happened in the year sixteen hundred +and forty-nine. + +'Well,' returned Mr. Dick, scratching his ear with his pen, and looking +dubiously at me. 'So the books say; but I don't see how that can be. +Because, if it was so long ago, how could the people about him have made +that mistake of putting some of the trouble out of his head, after it +was taken off, into mine?' + +I was very much surprised by the inquiry; but could give no information +on this point. + +'It's very strange,' said Mr. Dick, with a despondent look upon his +papers, and with his hand among his hair again, 'that I never can get +that quite right. I never can make that perfectly clear. But no matter, +no matter!' he said cheerfully, and rousing himself, 'there's time +enough! My compliments to Miss Trotwood, I am getting on very well +indeed.' + +I was going away, when he directed my attention to the kite. + +'What do you think of that for a kite?' he said. + +I answered that it was a beautiful one. I should think it must have been +as much as seven feet high. + +'I made it. We'll go and fly it, you and I,' said Mr. Dick. 'Do you see +this?' + +He showed me that it was covered with manuscript, very closely and +laboriously written; but so plainly, that as I looked along the lines, +I thought I saw some allusion to King Charles the First's head again, in +one or two places. + +'There's plenty of string,' said Mr. Dick, 'and when it flies high, it +takes the facts a long way. That's my manner of diffusing 'em. I don't +know where they may come down. It's according to circumstances, and the +wind, and so forth; but I take my chance of that.' + +His face was so very mild and pleasant, and had something so reverend in +it, though it was hale and hearty, that I was not sure but that he was +having a good-humoured jest with me. So I laughed, and he laughed, and +we parted the best friends possible. + +'Well, child,' said my aunt, when I went downstairs. 'And what of Mr. +Dick, this morning?' + +I informed her that he sent his compliments, and was getting on very +well indeed. + +'What do you think of him?' said my aunt. + +I had some shadowy idea of endeavouring to evade the question, by +replying that I thought him a very nice gentleman; but my aunt was +not to be so put off, for she laid her work down in her lap, and said, +folding her hands upon it: + +'Come! Your sister Betsey Trotwood would have told me what she thought +of anyone, directly. Be as like your sister as you can, and speak out!' + +'Is he--is Mr. Dick--I ask because I don't know, aunt--is he at all out +of his mind, then?' I stammered; for I felt I was on dangerous ground. + +'Not a morsel,' said my aunt. + +'Oh, indeed!' I observed faintly. + +'If there is anything in the world,' said my aunt, with great decision +and force of manner, 'that Mr. Dick is not, it's that.' + +I had nothing better to offer, than another timid, 'Oh, indeed!' + +'He has been CALLED mad,' said my aunt. 'I have a selfish pleasure in +saying he has been called mad, or I should not have had the benefit of +his society and advice for these last ten years and upwards--in fact, +ever since your sister, Betsey Trotwood, disappointed me.' + +'So long as that?' I said. + +'And nice people they were, who had the audacity to call him mad,' +pursued my aunt. 'Mr. Dick is a sort of distant connexion of mine--it +doesn't matter how; I needn't enter into that. If it hadn't been for me, +his own brother would have shut him up for life. That's all.' + +I am afraid it was hypocritical in me, but seeing that my aunt felt +strongly on the subject, I tried to look as if I felt strongly too. + +'A proud fool!' said my aunt. 'Because his brother was a little +eccentric--though he is not half so eccentric as a good many people--he +didn't like to have him visible about his house, and sent him away to +some private asylum-place: though he had been left to his particular +care by their deceased father, who thought him almost a natural. And a +wise man he must have been to think so! Mad himself, no doubt.' + +Again, as my aunt looked quite convinced, I endeavoured to look quite +convinced also. + +'So I stepped in,' said my aunt, 'and made him an offer. I said, "Your +brother's sane--a great deal more sane than you are, or ever will be, it +is to be hoped. Let him have his little income, and come and live with +me. I am not afraid of him, I am not proud, I am ready to take care +of him, and shall not ill-treat him as some people (besides the +asylum-folks) have done." After a good deal of squabbling,' said my +aunt, 'I got him; and he has been here ever since. He is the most +friendly and amenable creature in existence; and as for advice!--But +nobody knows what that man's mind is, except myself.' + +My aunt smoothed her dress and shook her head, as if she smoothed +defiance of the whole world out of the one, and shook it out of the +other. + +'He had a favourite sister,' said my aunt, 'a good creature, and very +kind to him. But she did what they all do--took a husband. And HE did +what they all do--made her wretched. It had such an effect upon the mind +of Mr. Dick (that's not madness, I hope!) that, combined with his fear +of his brother, and his sense of his unkindness, it threw him into a +fever. That was before he came to me, but the recollection of it is +oppressive to him even now. Did he say anything to you about King +Charles the First, child?' + +'Yes, aunt.' + +'Ah!' said my aunt, rubbing her nose as if she were a little vexed. +'That's his allegorical way of expressing it. He connects his illness +with great disturbance and agitation, naturally, and that's the figure, +or the simile, or whatever it's called, which he chooses to use. And why +shouldn't he, if he thinks proper!' + +I said: 'Certainly, aunt.' + +'It's not a business-like way of speaking,' said my aunt, 'nor a worldly +way. I am aware of that; and that's the reason why I insist upon it, +that there shan't be a word about it in his Memorial.' + +'Is it a Memorial about his own history that he is writing, aunt?' + +'Yes, child,' said my aunt, rubbing her nose again. 'He is memorializing +the Lord Chancellor, or the Lord Somebody or other--one of those people, +at all events, who are paid to be memorialized--about his affairs. I +suppose it will go in, one of these days. He hasn't been able to draw +it up yet, without introducing that mode of expressing himself; but it +don't signify; it keeps him employed.' + +In fact, I found out afterwards that Mr. Dick had been for upwards +of ten years endeavouring to keep King Charles the First out of the +Memorial; but he had been constantly getting into it, and was there now. + +'I say again,' said my aunt, 'nobody knows what that man's mind is +except myself; and he's the most amenable and friendly creature in +existence. If he likes to fly a kite sometimes, what of that! Franklin +used to fly a kite. He was a Quaker, or something of that sort, if I +am not mistaken. And a Quaker flying a kite is a much more ridiculous +object than anybody else.' + +If I could have supposed that my aunt had recounted these particulars +for my especial behoof, and as a piece of confidence in me, I should +have felt very much distinguished, and should have augured favourably +from such a mark of her good opinion. But I could hardly help observing +that she had launched into them, chiefly because the question was raised +in her own mind, and with very little reference to me, though she had +addressed herself to me in the absence of anybody else. + +At the same time, I must say that the generosity of her championship +of poor harmless Mr. Dick, not only inspired my young breast with +some selfish hope for myself, but warmed it unselfishly towards her. +I believe that I began to know that there was something about my aunt, +notwithstanding her many eccentricities and odd humours, to be honoured +and trusted in. Though she was just as sharp that day as on the day +before, and was in and out about the donkeys just as often, and was +thrown into a tremendous state of indignation, when a young man, going +by, ogled Janet at a window (which was one of the gravest misdemeanours +that could be committed against my aunt's dignity), she seemed to me to +command more of my respect, if not less of my fear. + +The anxiety I underwent, in the interval which necessarily elapsed +before a reply could be received to her letter to Mr. Murdstone, was +extreme; but I made an endeavour to suppress it, and to be as agreeable +as I could in a quiet way, both to my aunt and Mr. Dick. The latter and +I would have gone out to fly the great kite; but that I had still no +other clothes than the anything but ornamental garments with which I +had been decorated on the first day, and which confined me to the house, +except for an hour after dark, when my aunt, for my health's sake, +paraded me up and down on the cliff outside, before going to bed. At +length the reply from Mr. Murdstone came, and my aunt informed me, to my +infinite terror, that he was coming to speak to her herself on the next +day. On the next day, still bundled up in my curious habiliments, I sat +counting the time, flushed and heated by the conflict of sinking hopes +and rising fears within me; and waiting to be startled by the sight of +the gloomy face, whose non-arrival startled me every minute. + +My aunt was a little more imperious and stern than usual, but I observed +no other token of her preparing herself to receive the visitor so much +dreaded by me. She sat at work in the window, and I sat by, with my +thoughts running astray on all possible and impossible results of Mr. +Murdstone's visit, until pretty late in the afternoon. Our dinner had +been indefinitely postponed; but it was growing so late, that my aunt +had ordered it to be got ready, when she gave a sudden alarm of donkeys, +and to my consternation and amazement, I beheld Miss Murdstone, on a +side-saddle, ride deliberately over the sacred piece of green, and stop +in front of the house, looking about her. + +'Go along with you!' cried my aunt, shaking her head and her fist at the +window. 'You have no business there. How dare you trespass? Go along! +Oh! you bold-faced thing!' + +My aunt was so exasperated by the coolness with which Miss Murdstone +looked about her, that I really believe she was motionless, and unable +for the moment to dart out according to custom. I seized the opportunity +to inform her who it was; and that the gentleman now coming near the +offender (for the way up was very steep, and he had dropped behind), was +Mr. Murdstone himself. + +'I don't care who it is!' cried my aunt, still shaking her head and +gesticulating anything but welcome from the bow-window. 'I won't be +trespassed upon. I won't allow it. Go away! Janet, turn him round. +Lead him off!' and I saw, from behind my aunt, a sort of hurried +battle-piece, in which the donkey stood resisting everybody, with all +his four legs planted different ways, while Janet tried to pull him +round by the bridle, Mr. Murdstone tried to lead him on, Miss Murdstone +struck at Janet with a parasol, and several boys, who had come to see +the engagement, shouted vigorously. But my aunt, suddenly descrying +among them the young malefactor who was the donkey's guardian, and who +was one of the most inveterate offenders against her, though hardly in +his teens, rushed out to the scene of action, pounced upon him, captured +him, dragged him, with his jacket over his head, and his heels grinding +the ground, into the garden, and, calling upon Janet to fetch the +constables and justices, that he might be taken, tried, and executed on +the spot, held him at bay there. This part of the business, however, did +not last long; for the young rascal, being expert at a variety of feints +and dodges, of which my aunt had no conception, soon went whooping away, +leaving some deep impressions of his nailed boots in the flower-beds, +and taking his donkey in triumph with him. + +Miss Murdstone, during the latter portion of the contest, had +dismounted, and was now waiting with her brother at the bottom of the +steps, until my aunt should be at leisure to receive them. My aunt, a +little ruffled by the combat, marched past them into the house, with +great dignity, and took no notice of their presence, until they were +announced by Janet. + +'Shall I go away, aunt?' I asked, trembling. + +'No, sir,' said my aunt. 'Certainly not!' With which she pushed me into +a corner near her, and fenced Me in with a chair, as if it were a prison +or a bar of justice. This position I continued to occupy during the +whole interview, and from it I now saw Mr. and Miss Murdstone enter the +room. + +'Oh!' said my aunt, 'I was not aware at first to whom I had the pleasure +of objecting. But I don't allow anybody to ride over that turf. I make +no exceptions. I don't allow anybody to do it.' + +'Your regulation is rather awkward to strangers,' said Miss Murdstone. + +'Is it!' said my aunt. + +Mr. Murdstone seemed afraid of a renewal of hostilities, and interposing +began: + +'Miss Trotwood!' + +'I beg your pardon,' observed my aunt with a keen look. 'You are the Mr. +Murdstone who married the widow of my late nephew, David Copperfield, of +Blunderstone Rookery!--Though why Rookery, I don't know!' + +'I am,' said Mr. Murdstone. + +'You'll excuse my saying, sir,' returned my aunt, 'that I think it would +have been a much better and happier thing if you had left that poor +child alone.' + +'I so far agree with what Miss Trotwood has remarked,' observed Miss +Murdstone, bridling, 'that I consider our lamented Clara to have been, +in all essential respects, a mere child.' + +'It is a comfort to you and me, ma'am,' said my aunt, 'who are getting +on in life, and are not likely to be made unhappy by our personal +attractions, that nobody can say the same of us.' + +'No doubt!' returned Miss Murdstone, though, I thought, not with a very +ready or gracious assent. 'And it certainly might have been, as you say, +a better and happier thing for my brother if he had never entered into +such a marriage. I have always been of that opinion.' + +'I have no doubt you have,' said my aunt. 'Janet,' ringing the bell, 'my +compliments to Mr. Dick, and beg him to come down.' + +Until he came, my aunt sat perfectly upright and stiff, frowning at the +wall. When he came, my aunt performed the ceremony of introduction. + +'Mr. Dick. An old and intimate friend. On whose judgement,' said my +aunt, with emphasis, as an admonition to Mr. Dick, who was biting his +forefinger and looking rather foolish, 'I rely.' + +Mr. Dick took his finger out of his mouth, on this hint, and stood among +the group, with a grave and attentive expression of face. + +My aunt inclined her head to Mr. Murdstone, who went on: + +'Miss Trotwood: on the receipt of your letter, I considered it an act of +greater justice to myself, and perhaps of more respect to you--' + +'Thank you,' said my aunt, still eyeing him keenly. 'You needn't mind +me.' + +'To answer it in person, however inconvenient the journey,' pursued Mr. +Murdstone, 'rather than by letter. This unhappy boy who has run away +from his friends and his occupation--' + +'And whose appearance,' interposed his sister, directing general +attention to me in my indefinable costume, 'is perfectly scandalous and +disgraceful.' + +'Jane Murdstone,' said her brother, 'have the goodness not to interrupt +me. This unhappy boy, Miss Trotwood, has been the occasion of much +domestic trouble and uneasiness; both during the lifetime of my late +dear wife, and since. He has a sullen, rebellious spirit; a violent +temper; and an untoward, intractable disposition. Both my sister and +myself have endeavoured to correct his vices, but ineffectually. And +I have felt--we both have felt, I may say; my sister being fully in +my confidence--that it is right you should receive this grave and +dispassionate assurance from our lips.' + +'It can hardly be necessary for me to confirm anything stated by my +brother,' said Miss Murdstone; 'but I beg to observe, that, of all the +boys in the world, I believe this is the worst boy.' + +'Strong!' said my aunt, shortly. + +'But not at all too strong for the facts,' returned Miss Murdstone. + +'Ha!' said my aunt. 'Well, sir?' + +'I have my own opinions,' resumed Mr. Murdstone, whose face darkened +more and more, the more he and my aunt observed each other, which they +did very narrowly, 'as to the best mode of bringing him up; they are +founded, in part, on my knowledge of him, and in part on my knowledge of +my own means and resources. I am responsible for them to myself, I act +upon them, and I say no more about them. It is enough that I place this +boy under the eye of a friend of my own, in a respectable business; +that it does not please him; that he runs away from it; makes himself a +common vagabond about the country; and comes here, in rags, to appeal +to you, Miss Trotwood. I wish to set before you, honourably, the exact +consequences--so far as they are within my knowledge--of your abetting +him in this appeal.' + +'But about the respectable business first,' said my aunt. 'If he had +been your own boy, you would have put him to it, just the same, I +suppose?' + +'If he had been my brother's own boy,' returned Miss Murdstone, striking +in, 'his character, I trust, would have been altogether different.' + +'Or if the poor child, his mother, had been alive, he would still have +gone into the respectable business, would he?' said my aunt. + +'I believe,' said Mr. Murdstone, with an inclination of his head, +'that Clara would have disputed nothing which myself and my sister Jane +Murdstone were agreed was for the best.' + +Miss Murdstone confirmed this with an audible murmur. + +'Humph!' said my aunt. 'Unfortunate baby!' + +Mr. Dick, who had been rattling his money all this time, was rattling it +so loudly now, that my aunt felt it necessary to check him with a look, +before saying: + +'The poor child's annuity died with her?' + +'Died with her,' replied Mr. Murdstone. + +'And there was no settlement of the little property--the house and +garden--the what's-its-name Rookery without any rooks in it--upon her +boy?' + +'It had been left to her, unconditionally, by her first husband,' +Mr. Murdstone began, when my aunt caught him up with the greatest +irascibility and impatience. + +'Good Lord, man, there's no occasion to say that. Left to her +unconditionally! I think I see David Copperfield looking forward to any +condition of any sort or kind, though it stared him point-blank in the +face! Of course it was left to her unconditionally. But when she married +again--when she took that most disastrous step of marrying you, in +short,' said my aunt, 'to be plain--did no one put in a word for the boy +at that time?' + +'My late wife loved her second husband, ma'am,' said Mr. Murdstone, 'and +trusted implicitly in him.' + +'Your late wife, sir, was a most unworldly, most unhappy, most +unfortunate baby,' returned my aunt, shaking her head at him. 'That's +what she was. And now, what have you got to say next?' + +'Merely this, Miss Trotwood,' he returned. 'I am here to take David +back--to take him back unconditionally, to dispose of him as I think +proper, and to deal with him as I think right. I am not here to make any +promise, or give any pledge to anybody. You may possibly have some +idea, Miss Trotwood, of abetting him in his running away, and in his +complaints to you. Your manner, which I must say does not seem intended +to propitiate, induces me to think it possible. Now I must caution you +that if you abet him once, you abet him for good and all; if you step +in between him and me, now, you must step in, Miss Trotwood, for ever. +I cannot trifle, or be trifled with. I am here, for the first and last +time, to take him away. Is he ready to go? If he is not--and you tell me +he is not; on any pretence; it is indifferent to me what--my doors are +shut against him henceforth, and yours, I take it for granted, are open +to him.' + +To this address, my aunt had listened with the closest attention, +sitting perfectly upright, with her hands folded on one knee, and +looking grimly on the speaker. When he had finished, she turned her +eyes so as to command Miss Murdstone, without otherwise disturbing her +attitude, and said: + +'Well, ma'am, have YOU got anything to remark?' + +'Indeed, Miss Trotwood,' said Miss Murdstone, 'all that I could say has +been so well said by my brother, and all that I know to be the fact +has been so plainly stated by him, that I have nothing to add except my +thanks for your politeness. For your very great politeness, I am sure,' +said Miss Murdstone; with an irony which no more affected my aunt, than +it discomposed the cannon I had slept by at Chatham. + +'And what does the boy say?' said my aunt. 'Are you ready to go, David?' + +I answered no, and entreated her not to let me go. I said that neither +Mr. nor Miss Murdstone had ever liked me, or had ever been kind to me. +That they had made my mama, who always loved me dearly, unhappy about +me, and that I knew it well, and that Peggotty knew it. I said that I +had been more miserable than I thought anybody could believe, who only +knew how young I was. And I begged and prayed my aunt--I forget in +what terms now, but I remember that they affected me very much then--to +befriend and protect me, for my father's sake. + +'Mr. Dick,' said my aunt, 'what shall I do with this child?' + +Mr. Dick considered, hesitated, brightened, and rejoined, 'Have him +measured for a suit of clothes directly.' + +'Mr. Dick,' said my aunt triumphantly, 'give me your hand, for your +common sense is invaluable.' Having shaken it with great cordiality, she +pulled me towards her and said to Mr. Murdstone: + +'You can go when you like; I'll take my chance with the boy. If he's all +you say he is, at least I can do as much for him then, as you have done. +But I don't believe a word of it.' + +'Miss Trotwood,' rejoined Mr. Murdstone, shrugging his shoulders, as he +rose, 'if you were a gentleman--' + +'Bah! Stuff and nonsense!' said my aunt. 'Don't talk to me!' + +'How exquisitely polite!' exclaimed Miss Murdstone, rising. +'Overpowering, really!' + +'Do you think I don't know,' said my aunt, turning a deaf ear to the +sister, and continuing to address the brother, and to shake her head at +him with infinite expression, 'what kind of life you must have led that +poor, unhappy, misdirected baby? Do you think I don't know what a woeful +day it was for the soft little creature when you first came in her +way--smirking and making great eyes at her, I'll be bound, as if you +couldn't say boh! to a goose!' + +'I never heard anything so elegant!' said Miss Murdstone. + +'Do you think I can't understand you as well as if I had seen you,' +pursued my aunt, 'now that I DO see and hear you--which, I tell you +candidly, is anything but a pleasure to me? Oh yes, bless us! who so +smooth and silky as Mr. Murdstone at first! The poor, benighted innocent +had never seen such a man. He was made of sweetness. He worshipped her. +He doted on her boy--tenderly doted on him! He was to be another father +to him, and they were all to live together in a garden of roses, weren't +they? Ugh! Get along with you, do!' said my aunt. + +'I never heard anything like this person in my life!' exclaimed Miss +Murdstone. + +'And when you had made sure of the poor little fool,' said my aunt--'God +forgive me that I should call her so, and she gone where YOU won't go in +a hurry--because you had not done wrong enough to her and hers, you +must begin to train her, must you? begin to break her, like a poor +caged bird, and wear her deluded life away, in teaching her to sing YOUR +notes?' + +'This is either insanity or intoxication,' said Miss Murdstone, in a +perfect agony at not being able to turn the current of my aunt's address +towards herself; 'and my suspicion is that it's intoxication.' + +Miss Betsey, without taking the least notice of the interruption, +continued to address herself to Mr. Murdstone as if there had been no +such thing. + +'Mr. Murdstone,' she said, shaking her finger at him, 'you were a tyrant +to the simple baby, and you broke her heart. She was a loving baby--I +know that; I knew it, years before you ever saw her--and through the +best part of her weakness you gave her the wounds she died of. There +is the truth for your comfort, however you like it. And you and your +instruments may make the most of it.' + +'Allow me to inquire, Miss Trotwood,' interposed Miss Murdstone, +'whom you are pleased to call, in a choice of words in which I am not +experienced, my brother's instruments?' + +'It was clear enough, as I have told you, years before YOU ever saw +her--and why, in the mysterious dispensations of Providence, you ever +did see her, is more than humanity can comprehend--it was clear enough +that the poor soft little thing would marry somebody, at some time or +other; but I did hope it wouldn't have been as bad as it has turned out. +That was the time, Mr. Murdstone, when she gave birth to her boy here,' +said my aunt; 'to the poor child you sometimes tormented her through +afterwards, which is a disagreeable remembrance and makes the sight of +him odious now. Aye, aye! you needn't wince!' said my aunt. 'I know it's +true without that.' + +He had stood by the door, all this while, observant of her with a smile +upon his face, though his black eyebrows were heavily contracted. I +remarked now, that, though the smile was on his face still, his colour +had gone in a moment, and he seemed to breathe as if he had been +running. + +'Good day, sir,' said my aunt, 'and good-bye! Good day to you, too, +ma'am,' said my aunt, turning suddenly upon his sister. 'Let me see you +ride a donkey over my green again, and as sure as you have a head upon +your shoulders, I'll knock your bonnet off, and tread upon it!' + +It would require a painter, and no common painter too, to depict my +aunt's face as she delivered herself of this very unexpected sentiment, +and Miss Murdstone's face as she heard it. But the manner of the speech, +no less than the matter, was so fiery, that Miss Murdstone, without a +word in answer, discreetly put her arm through her brother's, and walked +haughtily out of the cottage; my aunt remaining in the window looking +after them; prepared, I have no doubt, in case of the donkey's +reappearance, to carry her threat into instant execution. + +No attempt at defiance being made, however, her face gradually relaxed, +and became so pleasant, that I was emboldened to kiss and thank her; +which I did with great heartiness, and with both my arms clasped round +her neck. I then shook hands with Mr. Dick, who shook hands with me a +great many times, and hailed this happy close of the proceedings with +repeated bursts of laughter. + +'You'll consider yourself guardian, jointly with me, of this child, Mr. +Dick,' said my aunt. + +'I shall be delighted,' said Mr. Dick, 'to be the guardian of David's +son.' + +'Very good,' returned my aunt, 'that's settled. I have been thinking, do +you know, Mr. Dick, that I might call him Trotwood?' + +'Certainly, certainly. Call him Trotwood, certainly,' said Mr. Dick. +'David's son's Trotwood.' + +'Trotwood Copperfield, you mean,' returned my aunt. + +'Yes, to be sure. Yes. Trotwood Copperfield,' said Mr. Dick, a little +abashed. + +My aunt took so kindly to the notion, that some ready-made clothes, +which were purchased for me that afternoon, were marked 'Trotwood +Copperfield', in her own handwriting, and in indelible marking-ink, +before I put them on; and it was settled that all the other clothes +which were ordered to be made for me (a complete outfit was bespoke that +afternoon) should be marked in the same way. + +Thus I began my new life, in a new name, and with everything new about +me. Now that the state of doubt was over, I felt, for many days, +like one in a dream. I never thought that I had a curious couple of +guardians, in my aunt and Mr. Dick. I never thought of anything about +myself, distinctly. The two things clearest in my mind were, that a +remoteness had come upon the old Blunderstone life--which seemed to lie +in the haze of an immeasurable distance; and that a curtain had for ever +fallen on my life at Murdstone and Grinby's. No one has ever raised that +curtain since. I have lifted it for a moment, even in this narrative, +with a reluctant hand, and dropped it gladly. The remembrance of that +life is fraught with so much pain to me, with so much mental suffering +and want of hope, that I have never had the courage even to examine how +long I was doomed to lead it. Whether it lasted for a year, or more, or +less, I do not know. I only know that it was, and ceased to be; and that +I have written, and there I leave it. + + + +CHAPTER 15. I MAKE ANOTHER BEGINNING + + +Mr. Dick and I soon became the best of friends, and very often, when his +day's work was done, went out together to fly the great kite. Every day +of his life he had a long sitting at the Memorial, which never made the +least progress, however hard he laboured, for King Charles the First +always strayed into it, sooner or later, and then it was thrown aside, +and another one begun. The patience and hope with which he bore these +perpetual disappointments, the mild perception he had that there was +something wrong about King Charles the First, the feeble efforts he made +to keep him out, and the certainty with which he came in, and tumbled +the Memorial out of all shape, made a deep impression on me. What Mr. +Dick supposed would come of the Memorial, if it were completed; where he +thought it was to go, or what he thought it was to do; he knew no more +than anybody else, I believe. Nor was it at all necessary that he should +trouble himself with such questions, for if anything were certain under +the sun, it was certain that the Memorial never would be finished. It +was quite an affecting sight, I used to think, to see him with the kite +when it was up a great height in the air. What he had told me, in his +room, about his belief in its disseminating the statements pasted on it, +which were nothing but old leaves of abortive Memorials, might have been +a fancy with him sometimes; but not when he was out, looking up at +the kite in the sky, and feeling it pull and tug at his hand. He never +looked so serene as he did then. I used to fancy, as I sat by him of an +evening, on a green slope, and saw him watch the kite high in the quiet +air, that it lifted his mind out of its confusion, and bore it (such was +my boyish thought) into the skies. As he wound the string in and it came +lower and lower down out of the beautiful light, until it fluttered to +the ground, and lay there like a dead thing, he seemed to wake gradually +out of a dream; and I remember to have seen him take it up, and look +about him in a lost way, as if they had both come down together, so that +I pitied him with all my heart. + +While I advanced in friendship and intimacy with Mr. Dick, I did not +go backward in the favour of his staunch friend, my aunt. She took +so kindly to me, that, in the course of a few weeks, she shortened my +adopted name of Trotwood into Trot; and even encouraged me to hope, that +if I went on as I had begun, I might take equal rank in her affections +with my sister Betsey Trotwood. + +'Trot,' said my aunt one evening, when the backgammon-board was placed +as usual for herself and Mr. Dick, 'we must not forget your education.' + +This was my only subject of anxiety, and I felt quite delighted by her +referring to it. + +'Should you like to go to school at Canterbury?' said my aunt. + +I replied that I should like it very much, as it was so near her. + +'Good,' said my aunt. 'Should you like to go tomorrow?' + +Being already no stranger to the general rapidity of my aunt's +evolutions, I was not surprised by the suddenness of the proposal, and +said: 'Yes.' + +'Good,' said my aunt again. 'Janet, hire the grey pony and chaise +tomorrow morning at ten o'clock, and pack up Master Trotwood's clothes +tonight.' + +I was greatly elated by these orders; but my heart smote me for my +selfishness, when I witnessed their effect on Mr. Dick, who was so +low-spirited at the prospect of our separation, and played so ill in +consequence, that my aunt, after giving him several admonitory raps on +the knuckles with her dice-box, shut up the board, and declined to play +with him any more. But, on hearing from my aunt that I should sometimes +come over on a Saturday, and that he could sometimes come and see me +on a Wednesday, he revived; and vowed to make another kite for those +occasions, of proportions greatly surpassing the present one. In the +morning he was downhearted again, and would have sustained himself by +giving me all the money he had in his possession, gold and silver too, +if my aunt had not interposed, and limited the gift to five shillings, +which, at his earnest petition, were afterwards increased to ten. We +parted at the garden-gate in a most affectionate manner, and Mr. Dick +did not go into the house until my aunt had driven me out of sight of +it. + +My aunt, who was perfectly indifferent to public opinion, drove the grey +pony through Dover in a masterly manner; sitting high and stiff like +a state coachman, keeping a steady eye upon him wherever he went, and +making a point of not letting him have his own way in any respect. When +we came into the country road, she permitted him to relax a little, +however; and looking at me down in a valley of cushion by her side, +asked me whether I was happy? + +'Very happy indeed, thank you, aunt,' I said. + +She was much gratified; and both her hands being occupied, patted me on +the head with her whip. + +'Is it a large school, aunt?' I asked. + +'Why, I don't know,' said my aunt. 'We are going to Mr. Wickfield's +first.' + +'Does he keep a school?' I asked. + +'No, Trot,' said my aunt. 'He keeps an office.' + +I asked for no more information about Mr. Wickfield, as she offered +none, and we conversed on other subjects until we came to Canterbury, +where, as it was market-day, my aunt had a great opportunity of +insinuating the grey pony among carts, baskets, vegetables, and +huckster's goods. The hair-breadth turns and twists we made, drew down +upon us a variety of speeches from the people standing about, which +were not always complimentary; but my aunt drove on with perfect +indifference, and I dare say would have taken her own way with as much +coolness through an enemy's country. + +At length we stopped before a very old house bulging out over the road; +a house with long low lattice-windows bulging out still farther, and +beams with carved heads on the ends bulging out too, so that I fancied +the whole house was leaning forward, trying to see who was passing on +the narrow pavement below. It was quite spotless in its cleanliness. +The old-fashioned brass knocker on the low arched door, ornamented with +carved garlands of fruit and flowers, twinkled like a star; the two +stone steps descending to the door were as white as if they had been +covered with fair linen; and all the angles and corners, and carvings +and mouldings, and quaint little panes of glass, and quainter little +windows, though as old as the hills, were as pure as any snow that ever +fell upon the hills. + +When the pony-chaise stopped at the door, and my eyes were intent upon +the house, I saw a cadaverous face appear at a small window on the +ground floor (in a little round tower that formed one side of the +house), and quickly disappear. The low arched door then opened, and +the face came out. It was quite as cadaverous as it had looked in the +window, though in the grain of it there was that tinge of red which is +sometimes to be observed in the skins of red-haired people. It belonged +to a red-haired person--a youth of fifteen, as I take it now, but +looking much older--whose hair was cropped as close as the closest +stubble; who had hardly any eyebrows, and no eyelashes, and eyes of a +red-brown, so unsheltered and unshaded, that I remember wondering how he +went to sleep. He was high-shouldered and bony; dressed in decent black, +with a white wisp of a neckcloth; buttoned up to the throat; and had a +long, lank, skeleton hand, which particularly attracted my attention, as +he stood at the pony's head, rubbing his chin with it, and looking up at +us in the chaise. + +'Is Mr. Wickfield at home, Uriah Heep?' said my aunt. + +'Mr. Wickfield's at home, ma'am,' said Uriah Heep, 'if you'll please to +walk in there'--pointing with his long hand to the room he meant. + +We got out; and leaving him to hold the pony, went into a long low +parlour looking towards the street, from the window of which I caught a +glimpse, as I went in, of Uriah Heep breathing into the pony's nostrils, +and immediately covering them with his hand, as if he were putting +some spell upon him. Opposite to the tall old chimney-piece were two +portraits: one of a gentleman with grey hair (though not by any means +an old man) and black eyebrows, who was looking over some papers tied +together with red tape; the other, of a lady, with a very placid and +sweet expression of face, who was looking at me. + +I believe I was turning about in search of Uriah's picture, when, a door +at the farther end of the room opening, a gentleman entered, at sight of +whom I turned to the first-mentioned portrait again, to make quite sure +that it had not come out of its frame. But it was stationary; and as the +gentleman advanced into the light, I saw that he was some years older +than when he had had his picture painted. + +'Miss Betsey Trotwood,' said the gentleman, 'pray walk in. I was engaged +for a moment, but you'll excuse my being busy. You know my motive. I +have but one in life.' + +Miss Betsey thanked him, and we went into his room, which was furnished +as an office, with books, papers, tin boxes, and so forth. It looked +into a garden, and had an iron safe let into the wall; so immediately +over the mantelshelf, that I wondered, as I sat down, how the sweeps got +round it when they swept the chimney. + +'Well, Miss Trotwood,' said Mr. Wickfield; for I soon found that it +was he, and that he was a lawyer, and steward of the estates of a rich +gentleman of the county; 'what wind blows you here? Not an ill wind, I +hope?' + +'No,' replied my aunt. 'I have not come for any law.' + +'That's right, ma'am,' said Mr. Wickfield. 'You had better come for +anything else.' His hair was quite white now, though his eyebrows were +still black. He had a very agreeable face, and, I thought, was handsome. +There was a certain richness in his complexion, which I had been long +accustomed, under Peggotty's tuition, to connect with port wine; and I +fancied it was in his voice too, and referred his growing corpulency +to the same cause. He was very cleanly dressed, in a blue coat, striped +waistcoat, and nankeen trousers; and his fine frilled shirt and cambric +neckcloth looked unusually soft and white, reminding my strolling fancy +(I call to mind) of the plumage on the breast of a swan. + +'This is my nephew,' said my aunt. + +'Wasn't aware you had one, Miss Trotwood,' said Mr. Wickfield. + +'My grand-nephew, that is to say,' observed my aunt. + +'Wasn't aware you had a grand-nephew, I give you my word,' said Mr. +Wickfield. + +'I have adopted him,' said my aunt, with a wave of her hand, importing +that his knowledge and his ignorance were all one to her, 'and I have +brought him here, to put to a school where he may be thoroughly well +taught, and well treated. Now tell me where that school is, and what it +is, and all about it.' + +'Before I can advise you properly,' said Mr. Wickfield--'the old +question, you know. What's your motive in this?' + +'Deuce take the man!' exclaimed my aunt. 'Always fishing for motives, +when they're on the surface! Why, to make the child happy and useful.' + +'It must be a mixed motive, I think,' said Mr. Wickfield, shaking his +head and smiling incredulously. + +'A mixed fiddlestick,' returned my aunt. 'You claim to have one plain +motive in all you do yourself. You don't suppose, I hope, that you are +the only plain dealer in the world?' + +'Ay, but I have only one motive in life, Miss Trotwood,' he rejoined, +smiling. 'Other people have dozens, scores, hundreds. I have only one. +There's the difference. However, that's beside the question. The best +school? Whatever the motive, you want the best?' + +My aunt nodded assent. + +'At the best we have,' said Mr. Wickfield, considering, 'your nephew +couldn't board just now.' + +'But he could board somewhere else, I suppose?' suggested my aunt. + +Mr. Wickfield thought I could. After a little discussion, he proposed to +take my aunt to the school, that she might see it and judge for herself; +also, to take her, with the same object, to two or three houses where he +thought I could be boarded. My aunt embracing the proposal, we were all +three going out together, when he stopped and said: + +'Our little friend here might have some motive, perhaps, for objecting +to the arrangements. I think we had better leave him behind?' + +My aunt seemed disposed to contest the point; but to facilitate matters +I said I would gladly remain behind, if they pleased; and returned into +Mr. Wickfield's office, where I sat down again, in the chair I had first +occupied, to await their return. + +It so happened that this chair was opposite a narrow passage, which +ended in the little circular room where I had seen Uriah Heep's pale +face looking out of the window. Uriah, having taken the pony to a +neighbouring stable, was at work at a desk in this room, which had a +brass frame on the top to hang paper upon, and on which the writing he +was making a copy of was then hanging. Though his face was towards me, I +thought, for some time, the writing being between us, that he could not +see me; but looking that way more attentively, it made me uncomfortable +to observe that, every now and then, his sleepless eyes would come below +the writing, like two red suns, and stealthily stare at me for I dare +say a whole minute at a time, during which his pen went, or pretended +to go, as cleverly as ever. I made several attempts to get out of their +way--such as standing on a chair to look at a map on the other side of +the room, and poring over the columns of a Kentish newspaper--but they +always attracted me back again; and whenever I looked towards those two +red suns, I was sure to find them, either just rising or just setting. + +At length, much to my relief, my aunt and Mr. Wickfield came back, +after a pretty long absence. They were not so successful as I could have +wished; for though the advantages of the school were undeniable, my aunt +had not approved of any of the boarding-houses proposed for me. + +'It's very unfortunate,' said my aunt. 'I don't know what to do, Trot.' + +'It does happen unfortunately,' said Mr. Wickfield. 'But I'll tell you +what you can do, Miss Trotwood.' + +'What's that?' inquired my aunt. + +'Leave your nephew here, for the present. He's a quiet fellow. He +won't disturb me at all. It's a capital house for study. As quiet as a +monastery, and almost as roomy. Leave him here.' + +My aunt evidently liked the offer, though she was delicate of accepting +it. So did I. 'Come, Miss Trotwood,' said Mr. Wickfield. 'This is the +way out of the difficulty. It's only a temporary arrangement, you know. +If it don't act well, or don't quite accord with our mutual convenience, +he can easily go to the right-about. There will be time to find some +better place for him in the meanwhile. You had better determine to leave +him here for the present!' + +'I am very much obliged to you,' said my aunt; 'and so is he, I see; +but--' + +'Come! I know what you mean,' cried Mr. Wickfield. 'You shall not be +oppressed by the receipt of favours, Miss Trotwood. You may pay for +him, if you like. We won't be hard about terms, but you shall pay if you +will.' + +'On that understanding,' said my aunt, 'though it doesn't lessen the +real obligation, I shall be very glad to leave him.' + +'Then come and see my little housekeeper,' said Mr. Wickfield. + +We accordingly went up a wonderful old staircase; with a balustrade +so broad that we might have gone up that, almost as easily; and into +a shady old drawing-room, lighted by some three or four of the quaint +windows I had looked up at from the street: which had old oak seats +in them, that seemed to have come of the same trees as the shining oak +floor, and the great beams in the ceiling. It was a prettily furnished +room, with a piano and some lively furniture in red and green, and some +flowers. It seemed to be all old nooks and corners; and in every nook +and corner there was some queer little table, or cupboard, or bookcase, +or seat, or something or other, that made me think there was not such +another good corner in the room; until I looked at the next one, and +found it equal to it, if not better. On everything there was the same +air of retirement and cleanliness that marked the house outside. + +Mr. Wickfield tapped at a door in a corner of the panelled wall, and a +girl of about my own age came quickly out and kissed him. On her face, +I saw immediately the placid and sweet expression of the lady whose +picture had looked at me downstairs. It seemed to my imagination as +if the portrait had grown womanly, and the original remained a child. +Although her face was quite bright and happy, there was a tranquillity +about it, and about her--a quiet, good, calm spirit--that I never have +forgotten; that I shall never forget. This was his little housekeeper, +his daughter Agnes, Mr. Wickfield said. When I heard how he said it, and +saw how he held her hand, I guessed what the one motive of his life was. + +She had a little basket-trifle hanging at her side, with keys in it; and +she looked as staid and as discreet a housekeeper as the old house +could have. She listened to her father as he told her about me, with a +pleasant face; and when he had concluded, proposed to my aunt that we +should go upstairs and see my room. We all went together, she before us: +and a glorious old room it was, with more oak beams, and diamond panes; +and the broad balustrade going all the way up to it. + +I cannot call to mind where or when, in my childhood, I had seen a +stained glass window in a church. Nor do I recollect its subject. But +I know that when I saw her turn round, in the grave light of the old +staircase, and wait for us, above, I thought of that window; and I +associated something of its tranquil brightness with Agnes Wickfield +ever afterwards. + +My aunt was as happy as I was, in the arrangement made for me; and we +went down to the drawing-room again, well pleased and gratified. As she +would not hear of staying to dinner, lest she should by any chance fail +to arrive at home with the grey pony before dark; and as I apprehend Mr. +Wickfield knew her too well to argue any point with her; some lunch was +provided for her there, and Agnes went back to her governess, and Mr. +Wickfield to his office. So we were left to take leave of one another +without any restraint. + +She told me that everything would be arranged for me by Mr. Wickfield, +and that I should want for nothing, and gave me the kindest words and +the best advice. + +'Trot,' said my aunt in conclusion, 'be a credit to yourself, to me, and +Mr. Dick, and Heaven be with you!' + +I was greatly overcome, and could only thank her, again and again, and +send my love to Mr. Dick. + +'Never,' said my aunt, 'be mean in anything; never be false; never be +cruel. Avoid those three vices, Trot, and I can always be hopeful of +you.' + +I promised, as well as I could, that I would not abuse her kindness or +forget her admonition. + +'The pony's at the door,' said my aunt, 'and I am off! Stay here.' With +these words she embraced me hastily, and went out of the room, shutting +the door after her. At first I was startled by so abrupt a departure, +and almost feared I had displeased her; but when I looked into the +street, and saw how dejectedly she got into the chaise, and drove away +without looking up, I understood her better and did not do her that +injustice. + +By five o'clock, which was Mr. Wickfield's dinner-hour, I had mustered +up my spirits again, and was ready for my knife and fork. The cloth was +only laid for us two; but Agnes was waiting in the drawing-room before +dinner, went down with her father, and sat opposite to him at table. I +doubted whether he could have dined without her. + +We did not stay there, after dinner, but came upstairs into the +drawing-room again: in one snug corner of which, Agnes set glasses for +her father, and a decanter of port wine. I thought he would have missed +its usual flavour, if it had been put there for him by any other hands. + +There he sat, taking his wine, and taking a good deal of it, for two +hours; while Agnes played on the piano, worked, and talked to him and +me. He was, for the most part, gay and cheerful with us; but sometimes +his eyes rested on her, and he fell into a brooding state, and was +silent. She always observed this quickly, I thought, and always roused +him with a question or caress. Then he came out of his meditation, and +drank more wine. + +Agnes made the tea, and presided over it; and the time passed away after +it, as after dinner, until she went to bed; when her father took her +in his arms and kissed her, and, she being gone, ordered candles in his +office. Then I went to bed too. + +But in the course of the evening I had rambled down to the door, and a +little way along the street, that I might have another peep at the old +houses, and the grey Cathedral; and might think of my coming through +that old city on my journey, and of my passing the very house I lived +in, without knowing it. As I came back, I saw Uriah Heep shutting up +the office; and feeling friendly towards everybody, went in and spoke +to him, and at parting, gave him my hand. But oh, what a clammy hand his +was! as ghostly to the touch as to the sight! I rubbed mine afterwards, +to warm it, AND TO RUB HIS OFF. + +It was such an uncomfortable hand, that, when I went to my room, it was +still cold and wet upon my memory. Leaning out of the window, and seeing +one of the faces on the beam-ends looking at me sideways, I fancied it +was Uriah Heep got up there somehow, and shut him out in a hurry. + + + +CHAPTER 16. I AM A NEW BOY IN MORE SENSES THAN ONE + + +Next morning, after breakfast, I entered on school life again. I went, +accompanied by Mr. Wickfield, to the scene of my future studies--a grave +building in a courtyard, with a learned air about it that seemed very +well suited to the stray rooks and jackdaws who came down from the +Cathedral towers to walk with a clerkly bearing on the grass-plot--and +was introduced to my new master, Doctor Strong. + +Doctor Strong looked almost as rusty, to my thinking, as the tall iron +rails and gates outside the house; and almost as stiff and heavy as the +great stone urns that flanked them, and were set up, on the top of +the red-brick wall, at regular distances all round the court, like +sublimated skittles, for Time to play at. He was in his library (I mean +Doctor Strong was), with his clothes not particularly well brushed, and +his hair not particularly well combed; his knee-smalls unbraced; his +long black gaiters unbuttoned; and his shoes yawning like two caverns on +the hearth-rug. Turning upon me a lustreless eye, that reminded me of +a long-forgotten blind old horse who once used to crop the grass, and +tumble over the graves, in Blunderstone churchyard, he said he was glad +to see me: and then he gave me his hand; which I didn't know what to do +with, as it did nothing for itself. + +But, sitting at work, not far from Doctor Strong, was a very pretty +young lady--whom he called Annie, and who was his daughter, I +supposed--who got me out of my difficulty by kneeling down to put Doctor +Strong's shoes on, and button his gaiters, which she did with great +cheerfulness and quickness. When she had finished, and we were going +out to the schoolroom, I was much surprised to hear Mr. Wickfield, +in bidding her good morning, address her as 'Mrs. Strong'; and I was +wondering could she be Doctor Strong's son's wife, or could she be Mrs. +Doctor Strong, when Doctor Strong himself unconsciously enlightened me. + +'By the by, Wickfield,' he said, stopping in a passage with his hand on +my shoulder; 'you have not found any suitable provision for my wife's +cousin yet?' + +'No,' said Mr. Wickfield. 'No. Not yet.' + +'I could wish it done as soon as it can be done, Wickfield,' said +Doctor Strong, 'for Jack Maldon is needy, and idle; and of those two +bad things, worse things sometimes come. What does Doctor Watts say,' he +added, looking at me, and moving his head to the time of his quotation, +'"Satan finds some mischief still, for idle hands to do."' + +'Egad, Doctor,' returned Mr. Wickfield, 'if Doctor Watts knew mankind, +he might have written, with as much truth, "Satan finds some mischief +still, for busy hands to do." The busy people achieve their full share +of mischief in the world, you may rely upon it. What have the people +been about, who have been the busiest in getting money, and in getting +power, this century or two? No mischief?' + +'Jack Maldon will never be very busy in getting either, I expect,' said +Doctor Strong, rubbing his chin thoughtfully. + +'Perhaps not,' said Mr. Wickfield; 'and you bring me back to the +question, with an apology for digressing. No, I have not been able +to dispose of Mr. Jack Maldon yet. I believe,' he said this with some +hesitation, 'I penetrate your motive, and it makes the thing more +difficult.' + +'My motive,' returned Doctor Strong, 'is to make some suitable provision +for a cousin, and an old playfellow, of Annie's.' + +'Yes, I know,' said Mr. Wickfield; 'at home or abroad.' + +'Aye!' replied the Doctor, apparently wondering why he emphasized those +words so much. 'At home or abroad.' + +'Your own expression, you know,' said Mr. Wickfield. 'Or abroad.' + +'Surely,' the Doctor answered. 'Surely. One or other.' + +'One or other? Have you no choice?' asked Mr. Wickfield. + +'No,' returned the Doctor. + +'No?' with astonishment. + +'Not the least.' + +'No motive,' said Mr. Wickfield, 'for meaning abroad, and not at home?' + +'No,' returned the Doctor. + +'I am bound to believe you, and of course I do believe you,' said Mr. +Wickfield. 'It might have simplified my office very much, if I had known +it before. But I confess I entertained another impression.' + +Doctor Strong regarded him with a puzzled and doubting look, +which almost immediately subsided into a smile that gave me great +encouragement; for it was full of amiability and sweetness, and there +was a simplicity in it, and indeed in his whole manner, when the +studious, pondering frost upon it was got through, very attractive and +hopeful to a young scholar like me. Repeating 'no', and 'not the least', +and other short assurances to the same purport, Doctor Strong jogged +on before us, at a queer, uneven pace; and we followed: Mr. Wickfield, +looking grave, I observed, and shaking his head to himself, without +knowing that I saw him. + +The schoolroom was a pretty large hall, on the quietest side of the +house, confronted by the stately stare of some half-dozen of the great +urns, and commanding a peep of an old secluded garden belonging to the +Doctor, where the peaches were ripening on the sunny south wall. There +were two great aloes, in tubs, on the turf outside the windows; the +broad hard leaves of which plant (looking as if they were made of +painted tin) have ever since, by association, been symbolical to me +of silence and retirement. About five-and-twenty boys were studiously +engaged at their books when we went in, but they rose to give the Doctor +good morning, and remained standing when they saw Mr. Wickfield and me. + +'A new boy, young gentlemen,' said the Doctor; 'Trotwood Copperfield.' + +One Adams, who was the head-boy, then stepped out of his place and +welcomed me. He looked like a young clergyman, in his white cravat, but +he was very affable and good-humoured; and he showed me my place, and +presented me to the masters, in a gentlemanly way that would have put me +at my ease, if anything could. + +It seemed to me so long, however, since I had been among such boys, +or among any companions of my own age, except Mick Walker and Mealy +Potatoes, that I felt as strange as ever I have done in my life. I was +so conscious of having passed through scenes of which they could have +no knowledge, and of having acquired experiences foreign to my age, +appearance, and condition as one of them, that I half believed it was an +imposture to come there as an ordinary little schoolboy. I had become, +in the Murdstone and Grinby time, however short or long it may have +been, so unused to the sports and games of boys, that I knew I was +awkward and inexperienced in the commonest things belonging to them. +Whatever I had learnt, had so slipped away from me in the sordid cares +of my life from day to night, that now, when I was examined about what +I knew, I knew nothing, and was put into the lowest form of the school. +But, troubled as I was, by my want of boyish skill, and of book-learning +too, I was made infinitely more uncomfortable by the consideration, +that, in what I did know, I was much farther removed from my companions +than in what I did not. My mind ran upon what they would think, if they +knew of my familiar acquaintance with the King's Bench Prison? Was there +anything about me which would reveal my proceedings in connexion with +the Micawber family--all those pawnings, and sellings, and suppers--in +spite of myself? Suppose some of the boys had seen me coming through +Canterbury, wayworn and ragged, and should find me out? What would they +say, who made so light of money, if they could know how I had scraped my +halfpence together, for the purchase of my daily saveloy and beer, or +my slices of pudding? How would it affect them, who were so innocent of +London life, and London streets, to discover how knowing I was (and was +ashamed to be) in some of the meanest phases of both? All this ran in +my head so much, on that first day at Doctor Strong's, that I felt +distrustful of my slightest look and gesture; shrunk within myself +whensoever I was approached by one of my new schoolfellows; and hurried +off the minute school was over, afraid of committing myself in my +response to any friendly notice or advance. + +But there was such an influence in Mr. Wickfield's old house, that when +I knocked at it, with my new school-books under my arm, I began to feel +my uneasiness softening away. As I went up to my airy old room, the +grave shadow of the staircase seemed to fall upon my doubts and fears, +and to make the past more indistinct. I sat there, sturdily conning my +books, until dinner-time (we were out of school for good at three); and +went down, hopeful of becoming a passable sort of boy yet. + +Agnes was in the drawing-room, waiting for her father, who was detained +by someone in his office. She met me with her pleasant smile, and asked +me how I liked the school. I told her I should like it very much, I +hoped; but I was a little strange to it at first. + +'You have never been to school,' I said, 'have you?' 'Oh yes! Every +day.' + +'Ah, but you mean here, at your own home?' + +'Papa couldn't spare me to go anywhere else,' she answered, smiling and +shaking her head. 'His housekeeper must be in his house, you know.' + +'He is very fond of you, I am sure,' I said. + +She nodded 'Yes,' and went to the door to listen for his coming up, that +she might meet him on the stairs. But, as he was not there, she came +back again. + +'Mama has been dead ever since I was born,' she said, in her quiet way. +'I only know her picture, downstairs. I saw you looking at it yesterday. +Did you think whose it was?' + +I told her yes, because it was so like herself. + +'Papa says so, too,' said Agnes, pleased. 'Hark! That's papa now!' + +Her bright calm face lighted up with pleasure as she went to meet him, +and as they came in, hand in hand. He greeted me cordially; and told +me I should certainly be happy under Doctor Strong, who was one of the +gentlest of men. + +'There may be some, perhaps--I don't know that there are--who abuse +his kindness,' said Mr. Wickfield. 'Never be one of those, Trotwood, in +anything. He is the least suspicious of mankind; and whether that's +a merit, or whether it's a blemish, it deserves consideration in all +dealings with the Doctor, great or small.' + +He spoke, I thought, as if he were weary, or dissatisfied with +something; but I did not pursue the question in my mind, for dinner was +just then announced, and we went down and took the same seats as before. + +We had scarcely done so, when Uriah Heep put in his red head and his +lank hand at the door, and said: + +'Here's Mr. Maldon begs the favour of a word, sir.' + +'I am but this moment quit of Mr. Maldon,' said his master. + +'Yes, sir,' returned Uriah; 'but Mr. Maldon has come back, and he begs +the favour of a word.' + +As he held the door open with his hand, Uriah looked at me, and looked +at Agnes, and looked at the dishes, and looked at the plates, and looked +at every object in the room, I thought,--yet seemed to look at nothing; +he made such an appearance all the while of keeping his red eyes +dutifully on his master. 'I beg your pardon. It's only to say, on +reflection,' observed a voice behind Uriah, as Uriah's head was +pushed away, and the speaker's substituted--'pray excuse me for this +intrusion--that as it seems I have no choice in the matter, the sooner +I go abroad the better. My cousin Annie did say, when we talked of it, +that she liked to have her friends within reach rather than to have them +banished, and the old Doctor--' + +'Doctor Strong, was that?' Mr. Wickfield interposed, gravely. + +'Doctor Strong, of course,' returned the other; 'I call him the old +Doctor; it's all the same, you know.' + +'I don't know,' returned Mr. Wickfield. + +'Well, Doctor Strong,' said the other--'Doctor Strong was of the same +mind, I believed. But as it appears from the course you take with me he +has changed his mind, why there's no more to be said, except that the +sooner I am off, the better. Therefore, I thought I'd come back and say, +that the sooner I am off the better. When a plunge is to be made into +the water, it's of no use lingering on the bank.' + +'There shall be as little lingering as possible, in your case, Mr. +Maldon, you may depend upon it,' said Mr. Wickfield. + +'Thank'ee,' said the other. 'Much obliged. I don't want to look a +gift-horse in the mouth, which is not a gracious thing to do; otherwise, +I dare say, my cousin Annie could easily arrange it in her own way. I +suppose Annie would only have to say to the old Doctor--' + +'Meaning that Mrs. Strong would only have to say to her husband--do I +follow you?' said Mr. Wickfield. + +'Quite so,' returned the other, '--would only have to say, that she +wanted such and such a thing to be so and so; and it would be so and so, +as a matter of course.' + +'And why as a matter of course, Mr. Maldon?' asked Mr. Wickfield, +sedately eating his dinner. + +'Why, because Annie's a charming young girl, and the old Doctor--Doctor +Strong, I mean--is not quite a charming young boy,' said Mr. Jack +Maldon, laughing. 'No offence to anybody, Mr. Wickfield. I only mean +that I suppose some compensation is fair and reasonable in that sort of +marriage.' + +'Compensation to the lady, sir?' asked Mr. Wickfield gravely. + +'To the lady, sir,' Mr. Jack Maldon answered, laughing. But appearing +to remark that Mr. Wickfield went on with his dinner in the same sedate, +immovable manner, and that there was no hope of making him relax a +muscle of his face, he added: 'However, I have said what I came to say, +and, with another apology for this intrusion, I may take myself off. Of +course I shall observe your directions, in considering the matter as one +to be arranged between you and me solely, and not to be referred to, up +at the Doctor's.' + +'Have you dined?' asked Mr. Wickfield, with a motion of his hand towards +the table. + +'Thank'ee. I am going to dine,' said Mr. Maldon, 'with my cousin Annie. +Good-bye!' + +Mr. Wickfield, without rising, looked after him thoughtfully as he went +out. He was rather a shallow sort of young gentleman, I thought, with +a handsome face, a rapid utterance, and a confident, bold air. And this +was the first I ever saw of Mr. Jack Maldon; whom I had not expected to +see so soon, when I heard the Doctor speak of him that morning. + +When we had dined, we went upstairs again, where everything went on +exactly as on the previous day. Agnes set the glasses and decanters in +the same corner, and Mr. Wickfield sat down to drink, and drank a good +deal. Agnes played the piano to him, sat by him, and worked and talked, +and played some games at dominoes with me. In good time she made tea; +and afterwards, when I brought down my books, looked into them, and +showed me what she knew of them (which was no slight matter, though she +said it was), and what was the best way to learn and understand them. +I see her, with her modest, orderly, placid manner, and I hear her +beautiful calm voice, as I write these words. The influence for all +good, which she came to exercise over me at a later time, begins +already to descend upon my breast. I love little Em'ly, and I don't love +Agnes--no, not at all in that way--but I feel that there are goodness, +peace, and truth, wherever Agnes is; and that the soft light of the +coloured window in the church, seen long ago, falls on her always, and +on me when I am near her, and on everything around. + +The time having come for her withdrawal for the night, and she having +left us, I gave Mr. Wickfield my hand, preparatory to going away myself. +But he checked me and said: 'Should you like to stay with us, Trotwood, +or to go elsewhere?' + +'To stay,' I answered, quickly. + +'You are sure?' + +'If you please. If I may!' + +'Why, it's but a dull life that we lead here, boy, I am afraid,' he +said. + +'Not more dull for me than Agnes, sir. Not dull at all!' + +'Than Agnes,' he repeated, walking slowly to the great chimney-piece, +and leaning against it. 'Than Agnes!' + +He had drank wine that evening (or I fancied it), until his eyes were +bloodshot. Not that I could see them now, for they were cast down, and +shaded by his hand; but I had noticed them a little while before. + +'Now I wonder,' he muttered, 'whether my Agnes tires of me. When should +I ever tire of her! But that's different, that's quite different.' + +He was musing, not speaking to me; so I remained quiet. + +'A dull old house,' he said, 'and a monotonous life; but I must have +her near me. I must keep her near me. If the thought that I may die and +leave my darling, or that my darling may die and leave me, comes like a +spectre, to distress my happiest hours, and is only to be drowned in--' + +He did not supply the word; but pacing slowly to the place where he had +sat, and mechanically going through the action of pouring wine from the +empty decanter, set it down and paced back again. + +'If it is miserable to bear, when she is here,' he said, 'what would it +be, and she away? No, no, no. I cannot try that.' + +He leaned against the chimney-piece, brooding so long that I could not +decide whether to run the risk of disturbing him by going, or to remain +quietly where I was, until he should come out of his reverie. At length +he aroused himself, and looked about the room until his eyes encountered +mine. + +'Stay with us, Trotwood, eh?' he said in his usual manner, and as if +he were answering something I had just said. 'I am glad of it. You are +company to us both. It is wholesome to have you here. Wholesome for me, +wholesome for Agnes, wholesome perhaps for all of us.' + +'I am sure it is for me, sir,' I said. 'I am so glad to be here.' + +'That's a fine fellow!' said Mr. Wickfield. 'As long as you are glad +to be here, you shall stay here.' He shook hands with me upon it, and +clapped me on the back; and told me that when I had anything to do +at night after Agnes had left us, or when I wished to read for my own +pleasure, I was free to come down to his room, if he were there and if +I desired it for company's sake, and to sit with him. I thanked him for +his consideration; and, as he went down soon afterwards, and I was +not tired, went down too, with a book in my hand, to avail myself, for +half-an-hour, of his permission. + +But, seeing a light in the little round office, and immediately feeling +myself attracted towards Uriah Heep, who had a sort of fascination for +me, I went in there instead. I found Uriah reading a great fat book, +with such demonstrative attention, that his lank forefinger followed up +every line as he read, and made clammy tracks along the page (or so I +fully believed) like a snail. + +'You are working late tonight, Uriah,' says I. + +'Yes, Master Copperfield,' says Uriah. + +As I was getting on the stool opposite, to talk to him more +conveniently, I observed that he had not such a thing as a smile about +him, and that he could only widen his mouth and make two hard creases +down his cheeks, one on each side, to stand for one. + +'I am not doing office-work, Master Copperfield,' said Uriah. + +'What work, then?' I asked. + +'I am improving my legal knowledge, Master Copperfield,' said Uriah. 'I +am going through Tidd's Practice. Oh, what a writer Mr. Tidd is, Master +Copperfield!' + +My stool was such a tower of observation, that as I watched him reading +on again, after this rapturous exclamation, and following up the lines +with his forefinger, I observed that his nostrils, which were thin and +pointed, with sharp dints in them, had a singular and most uncomfortable +way of expanding and contracting themselves--that they seemed to twinkle +instead of his eyes, which hardly ever twinkled at all. + +'I suppose you are quite a great lawyer?' I said, after looking at him +for some time. + +'Me, Master Copperfield?' said Uriah. 'Oh, no! I'm a very umble person.' + +It was no fancy of mine about his hands, I observed; for he frequently +ground the palms against each other as if to squeeze them dry and +warm, besides often wiping them, in a stealthy way, on his +pocket-handkerchief. + +'I am well aware that I am the umblest person going,' said Uriah Heep, +modestly; 'let the other be where he may. My mother is likewise a very +umble person. We live in a numble abode, Master Copperfield, but have +much to be thankful for. My father's former calling was umble. He was a +sexton.' + +'What is he now?' I asked. + +'He is a partaker of glory at present, Master Copperfield,' said Uriah +Heep. 'But we have much to be thankful for. How much have I to be +thankful for in living with Mr. Wickfield!' + +I asked Uriah if he had been with Mr. Wickfield long? + +'I have been with him, going on four year, Master Copperfield,' said +Uriah; shutting up his book, after carefully marking the place where he +had left off. 'Since a year after my father's death. How much have I +to be thankful for, in that! How much have I to be thankful for, in Mr. +Wickfield's kind intention to give me my articles, which would otherwise +not lay within the umble means of mother and self!' + +'Then, when your articled time is over, you'll be a regular lawyer, I +suppose?' said I. + +'With the blessing of Providence, Master Copperfield,' returned Uriah. + +'Perhaps you'll be a partner in Mr. Wickfield's business, one of these +days,' I said, to make myself agreeable; 'and it will be Wickfield and +Heep, or Heep late Wickfield.' + +'Oh no, Master Copperfield,' returned Uriah, shaking his head, 'I am +much too umble for that!' + +He certainly did look uncommonly like the carved face on the beam +outside my window, as he sat, in his humility, eyeing me sideways, with +his mouth widened, and the creases in his cheeks. + +'Mr. Wickfield is a most excellent man, Master Copperfield,' said Uriah. +'If you have known him long, you know it, I am sure, much better than I +can inform you.' + +I replied that I was certain he was; but that I had not known him long +myself, though he was a friend of my aunt's. + +'Oh, indeed, Master Copperfield,' said Uriah. 'Your aunt is a sweet +lady, Master Copperfield!' + +He had a way of writhing when he wanted to express enthusiasm, which was +very ugly; and which diverted my attention from the compliment he had +paid my relation, to the snaky twistings of his throat and body. + +'A sweet lady, Master Copperfield!' said Uriah Heep. 'She has a great +admiration for Miss Agnes, Master Copperfield, I believe?' + +I said, 'Yes,' boldly; not that I knew anything about it, Heaven forgive +me! + +'I hope you have, too, Master Copperfield,' said Uriah. 'But I am sure +you must have.' + +'Everybody must have,' I returned. + +'Oh, thank you, Master Copperfield,' said Uriah Heep, 'for that remark! +It is so true! Umble as I am, I know it is so true! Oh, thank you, +Master Copperfield!' He writhed himself quite off his stool in the +excitement of his feelings, and, being off, began to make arrangements +for going home. + +'Mother will be expecting me,' he said, referring to a pale, +inexpressive-faced watch in his pocket, 'and getting uneasy; for though +we are very umble, Master Copperfield, we are much attached to one +another. If you would come and see us, any afternoon, and take a cup of +tea at our lowly dwelling, mother would be as proud of your company as I +should be.' + +I said I should be glad to come. + +'Thank you, Master Copperfield,' returned Uriah, putting his book +away upon the shelf--'I suppose you stop here, some time, Master +Copperfield?' + +I said I was going to be brought up there, I believed, as long as I +remained at school. + +'Oh, indeed!' exclaimed Uriah. 'I should think YOU would come into the +business at last, Master Copperfield!' + +I protested that I had no views of that sort, and that no such scheme +was entertained in my behalf by anybody; but Uriah insisted on blandly +replying to all my assurances, 'Oh, yes, Master Copperfield, I should +think you would, indeed!' and, 'Oh, indeed, Master Copperfield, I should +think you would, certainly!' over and over again. Being, at last, ready +to leave the office for the night, he asked me if it would suit my +convenience to have the light put out; and on my answering 'Yes,' +instantly extinguished it. After shaking hands with me--his hand felt +like a fish, in the dark--he opened the door into the street a very +little, and crept out, and shut it, leaving me to grope my way back into +the house: which cost me some trouble and a fall over his stool. This +was the proximate cause, I suppose, of my dreaming about him, for what +appeared to me to be half the night; and dreaming, among other things, +that he had launched Mr. Peggotty's house on a piratical expedition, +with a black flag at the masthead, bearing the inscription 'Tidd's +Practice', under which diabolical ensign he was carrying me and little +Em'ly to the Spanish Main, to be drowned. + +I got a little the better of my uneasiness when I went to school +next day, and a good deal the better next day, and so shook it off by +degrees, that in less than a fortnight I was quite at home, and happy, +among my new companions. I was awkward enough in their games, and +backward enough in their studies; but custom would improve me in the +first respect, I hoped, and hard work in the second. Accordingly, I +went to work very hard, both in play and in earnest, and gained great +commendation. And, in a very little while, the Murdstone and Grinby life +became so strange to me that I hardly believed in it, while my present +life grew so familiar, that I seemed to have been leading it a long +time. + +Doctor Strong's was an excellent school; as different from Mr. Creakle's +as good is from evil. It was very gravely and decorously ordered, and +on a sound system; with an appeal, in everything, to the honour and good +faith of the boys, and an avowed intention to rely on their possession +of those qualities unless they proved themselves unworthy of it, which +worked wonders. We all felt that we had a part in the management of +the place, and in sustaining its character and dignity. Hence, we soon +became warmly attached to it--I am sure I did for one, and I never knew, +in all my time, of any other boy being otherwise--and learnt with a good +will, desiring to do it credit. We had noble games out of hours, and +plenty of liberty; but even then, as I remember, we were well spoken of +in the town, and rarely did any disgrace, by our appearance or manner, +to the reputation of Doctor Strong and Doctor Strong's boys. + +Some of the higher scholars boarded in the Doctor's house, and through +them I learned, at second hand, some particulars of the Doctor's +history--as, how he had not yet been married twelve months to the +beautiful young lady I had seen in the study, whom he had married for +love; for she had not a sixpence, and had a world of poor relations (so +our fellows said) ready to swarm the Doctor out of house and home. Also, +how the Doctor's cogitating manner was attributable to his being always +engaged in looking out for Greek roots; which, in my innocence and +ignorance, I supposed to be a botanical furor on the Doctor's part, +especially as he always looked at the ground when he walked about, +until I understood that they were roots of words, with a view to a new +Dictionary which he had in contemplation. Adams, our head-boy, who had +a turn for mathematics, had made a calculation, I was informed, of the +time this Dictionary would take in completing, on the Doctor's plan, and +at the Doctor's rate of going. He considered that it might be done +in one thousand six hundred and forty-nine years, counting from the +Doctor's last, or sixty-second, birthday. + +But the Doctor himself was the idol of the whole school: and it must +have been a badly composed school if he had been anything else, for +he was the kindest of men; with a simple faith in him that might have +touched the stone hearts of the very urns upon the wall. As he walked up +and down that part of the courtyard which was at the side of the house, +with the stray rooks and jackdaws looking after him with their heads +cocked slyly, as if they knew how much more knowing they were in worldly +affairs than he, if any sort of vagabond could only get near enough to +his creaking shoes to attract his attention to one sentence of a tale +of distress, that vagabond was made for the next two days. It was so +notorious in the house, that the masters and head-boys took pains to cut +these marauders off at angles, and to get out of windows, and turn them +out of the courtyard, before they could make the Doctor aware of their +presence; which was sometimes happily effected within a few yards of +him, without his knowing anything of the matter, as he jogged to and +fro. Outside his own domain, and unprotected, he was a very sheep for +the shearers. He would have taken his gaiters off his legs, to give +away. In fact, there was a story current among us (I have no idea, and +never had, on what authority, but I have believed it for so many +years that I feel quite certain it is true), that on a frosty day, one +winter-time, he actually did bestow his gaiters on a beggar-woman, who +occasioned some scandal in the neighbourhood by exhibiting a fine infant +from door to door, wrapped in those garments, which were universally +recognized, being as well known in the vicinity as the Cathedral. The +legend added that the only person who did not identify them was the +Doctor himself, who, when they were shortly afterwards displayed at the +door of a little second-hand shop of no very good repute, where such +things were taken in exchange for gin, was more than once observed to +handle them approvingly, as if admiring some curious novelty in the +pattern, and considering them an improvement on his own. + +It was very pleasant to see the Doctor with his pretty young wife. He +had a fatherly, benignant way of showing his fondness for her, which +seemed in itself to express a good man. I often saw them walking in the +garden where the peaches were, and I sometimes had a nearer observation +of them in the study or the parlour. She appeared to me to take great +care of the Doctor, and to like him very much, though I never thought +her vitally interested in the Dictionary: some cumbrous fragments of +which work the Doctor always carried in his pockets, and in the lining +of his hat, and generally seemed to be expounding to her as they walked +about. + +I saw a good deal of Mrs. Strong, both because she had taken a liking +for me on the morning of my introduction to the Doctor, and was always +afterwards kind to me, and interested in me; and because she was very +fond of Agnes, and was often backwards and forwards at our house. There +was a curious constraint between her and Mr. Wickfield, I thought (of +whom she seemed to be afraid), that never wore off. When she came there +of an evening, she always shrunk from accepting his escort home, and ran +away with me instead. And sometimes, as we were running gaily across +the Cathedral yard together, expecting to meet nobody, we would meet Mr. +Jack Maldon, who was always surprised to see us. + +Mrs. Strong's mama was a lady I took great delight in. Her name was Mrs. +Markleham; but our boys used to call her the Old Soldier, on account of +her generalship, and the skill with which she marshalled great forces +of relations against the Doctor. She was a little, sharp-eyed woman, +who used to wear, when she was dressed, one unchangeable cap, ornamented +with some artificial flowers, and two artificial butterflies supposed +to be hovering above the flowers. There was a superstition among us +that this cap had come from France, and could only originate in the +workmanship of that ingenious nation: but all I certainly know about it, +is, that it always made its appearance of an evening, wheresoever Mrs. +Markleham made HER appearance; that it was carried about to friendly +meetings in a Hindoo basket; that the butterflies had the gift of +trembling constantly; and that they improved the shining hours at Doctor +Strong's expense, like busy bees. + +I observed the Old Soldier--not to adopt the name disrespectfully--to +pretty good advantage, on a night which is made memorable to me by +something else I shall relate. It was the night of a little party at the +Doctor's, which was given on the occasion of Mr. Jack Maldon's departure +for India, whither he was going as a cadet, or something of that kind: +Mr. Wickfield having at length arranged the business. It happened to be +the Doctor's birthday, too. We had had a holiday, had made presents to +him in the morning, had made a speech to him through the head-boy, and +had cheered him until we were hoarse, and until he had shed tears. And +now, in the evening, Mr. Wickfield, Agnes, and I, went to have tea with +him in his private capacity. + +Mr. Jack Maldon was there, before us. Mrs. Strong, dressed in white, +with cherry-coloured ribbons, was playing the piano, when we went in; +and he was leaning over her to turn the leaves. The clear red and +white of her complexion was not so blooming and flower-like as usual, I +thought, when she turned round; but she looked very pretty, Wonderfully +pretty. + +'I have forgotten, Doctor,' said Mrs. Strong's mama, when we were +seated, 'to pay you the compliments of the day--though they are, as you +may suppose, very far from being mere compliments in my case. Allow me +to wish you many happy returns.' + +'I thank you, ma'am,' replied the Doctor. + +'Many, many, many, happy returns,' said the Old Soldier. 'Not only +for your own sake, but for Annie's, and John Maldon's, and many other +people's. It seems but yesterday to me, John, when you were a little +creature, a head shorter than Master Copperfield, making baby love to +Annie behind the gooseberry bushes in the back-garden.' + +'My dear mama,' said Mrs. Strong, 'never mind that now.' + +'Annie, don't be absurd,' returned her mother. 'If you are to blush to +hear of such things now you are an old married woman, when are you not +to blush to hear of them?' + +'Old?' exclaimed Mr. Jack Maldon. 'Annie? Come!' + +'Yes, John,' returned the Soldier. 'Virtually, an old married woman. +Although not old by years--for when did you ever hear me say, or who has +ever heard me say, that a girl of twenty was old by years!--your cousin +is the wife of the Doctor, and, as such, what I have described her. It +is well for you, John, that your cousin is the wife of the Doctor. You +have found in him an influential and kind friend, who will be kinder +yet, I venture to predict, if you deserve it. I have no false pride. +I never hesitate to admit, frankly, that there are some members of our +family who want a friend. You were one yourself, before your cousin's +influence raised up one for you.' + +The Doctor, in the goodness of his heart, waved his hand as if to make +light of it, and save Mr. Jack Maldon from any further reminder. But +Mrs. Markleham changed her chair for one next the Doctor's, and putting +her fan on his coat-sleeve, said: + +'No, really, my dear Doctor, you must excuse me if I appear to dwell +on this rather, because I feel so very strongly. I call it quite my +monomania, it is such a subject of mine. You are a blessing to us. You +really are a Boon, you know.' + +'Nonsense, nonsense,' said the Doctor. + +'No, no, I beg your pardon,' retorted the Old Soldier. 'With nobody +present, but our dear and confidential friend Mr. Wickfield, I cannot +consent to be put down. I shall begin to assert the privileges of a +mother-in-law, if you go on like that, and scold you. I am perfectly +honest and outspoken. What I am saying, is what I said when you first +overpowered me with surprise--you remember how surprised I was?--by +proposing for Annie. Not that there was anything so very much out of +the way, in the mere fact of the proposal--it would be ridiculous to say +that!--but because, you having known her poor father, and having known +her from a baby six months old, I hadn't thought of you in such a light +at all, or indeed as a marrying man in any way,--simply that, you know.' + +'Aye, aye,' returned the Doctor, good-humouredly. 'Never mind.' + +'But I DO mind,' said the Old Soldier, laying her fan upon his lips. 'I +mind very much. I recall these things that I may be contradicted if I am +wrong. Well! Then I spoke to Annie, and I told her what had happened. +I said, "My dear, here's Doctor Strong has positively been and made you +the subject of a handsome declaration and an offer." Did I press it in +the least? No. I said, "Now, Annie, tell me the truth this moment; is +your heart free?" "Mama," she said crying, "I am extremely young"--which +was perfectly true--"and I hardly know if I have a heart at all." "Then, +my dear," I said, "you may rely upon it, it's free. At all events, my +love," said I, "Doctor Strong is in an agitated state of mind, and +must be answered. He cannot be kept in his present state of suspense." +"Mama," said Annie, still crying, "would he be unhappy without me? If he +would, I honour and respect him so much, that I think I will have him." +So it was settled. And then, and not till then, I said to Annie, "Annie, +Doctor Strong will not only be your husband, but he will represent your +late father: he will represent the head of our family, he will represent +the wisdom and station, and I may say the means, of our family; and will +be, in short, a Boon to it." I used the word at the time, and I have +used it again, today. If I have any merit it is consistency.' + +The daughter had sat quite silent and still during this speech, with her +eyes fixed on the ground; her cousin standing near her, and looking on +the ground too. She now said very softly, in a trembling voice: + +'Mama, I hope you have finished?' 'No, my dear Annie,' returned the Old +Soldier, 'I have not quite finished. Since you ask me, my love, I reply +that I have not. I complain that you really are a little unnatural +towards your own family; and, as it is of no use complaining to you. I +mean to complain to your husband. Now, my dear Doctor, do look at that +silly wife of yours.' + +As the Doctor turned his kind face, with its smile of simplicity and +gentleness, towards her, she drooped her head more. I noticed that Mr. +Wickfield looked at her steadily. + +'When I happened to say to that naughty thing, the other day,' pursued +her mother, shaking her head and her fan at her, playfully, 'that there +was a family circumstance she might mention to you--indeed, I think, was +bound to mention--she said, that to mention it was to ask a favour; +and that, as you were too generous, and as for her to ask was always to +have, she wouldn't.' + +'Annie, my dear,' said the Doctor. 'That was wrong. It robbed me of a +pleasure.' + +'Almost the very words I said to her!' exclaimed her mother. 'Now +really, another time, when I know what she would tell you but for this +reason, and won't, I have a great mind, my dear Doctor, to tell you +myself.' + +'I shall be glad if you will,' returned the Doctor. + +'Shall I?' + +'Certainly.' + +'Well, then, I will!' said the Old Soldier. 'That's a bargain.' And +having, I suppose, carried her point, she tapped the Doctor's hand +several times with her fan (which she kissed first), and returned +triumphantly to her former station. + +Some more company coming in, among whom were the two masters and Adams, +the talk became general; and it naturally turned on Mr. Jack Maldon, and +his voyage, and the country he was going to, and his various plans and +prospects. He was to leave that night, after supper, in a post-chaise, +for Gravesend; where the ship, in which he was to make the voyage, lay; +and was to be gone--unless he came home on leave, or for his health--I +don't know how many years. I recollect it was settled by general +consent that India was quite a misrepresented country, and had nothing +objectionable in it, but a tiger or two, and a little heat in the warm +part of the day. For my own part, I looked on Mr. Jack Maldon as a +modern Sindbad, and pictured him the bosom friend of all the Rajahs in +the East, sitting under canopies, smoking curly golden pipes--a mile +long, if they could be straightened out. + +Mrs. Strong was a very pretty singer: as I knew, who often heard her +singing by herself. But, whether she was afraid of singing before +people, or was out of voice that evening, it was certain that she +couldn't sing at all. She tried a duet, once, with her cousin Maldon, +but could not so much as begin; and afterwards, when she tried to sing +by herself, although she began sweetly, her voice died away on a sudden, +and left her quite distressed, with her head hanging down over the keys. +The good Doctor said she was nervous, and, to relieve her, proposed a +round game at cards; of which he knew as much as of the art of playing +the trombone. But I remarked that the Old Soldier took him into custody +directly, for her partner; and instructed him, as the first preliminary +of initiation, to give her all the silver he had in his pocket. + +We had a merry game, not made the less merry by the Doctor's mistakes, +of which he committed an innumerable quantity, in spite of the +watchfulness of the butterflies, and to their great aggravation. Mrs. +Strong had declined to play, on the ground of not feeling very well; and +her cousin Maldon had excused himself because he had some packing to +do. When he had done it, however, he returned, and they sat together, +talking, on the sofa. From time to time she came and looked over the +Doctor's hand, and told him what to play. She was very pale, as she +bent over him, and I thought her finger trembled as she pointed out +the cards; but the Doctor was quite happy in her attention, and took no +notice of this, if it were so. + +At supper, we were hardly so gay. Everyone appeared to feel that a +parting of that sort was an awkward thing, and that the nearer it +approached, the more awkward it was. Mr. Jack Maldon tried to be very +talkative, but was not at his ease, and made matters worse. And they +were not improved, as it appeared to me, by the Old Soldier: who +continually recalled passages of Mr. Jack Maldon's youth. + +The Doctor, however, who felt, I am sure, that he was making everybody +happy, was well pleased, and had no suspicion but that we were all at +the utmost height of enjoyment. + +'Annie, my dear,' said he, looking at his watch, and filling his glass, +'it is past your cousin Jack's time, and we must not detain him, since +time and tide--both concerned in this case--wait for no man. Mr. Jack +Maldon, you have a long voyage, and a strange country, before you; but +many men have had both, and many men will have both, to the end of time. +The winds you are going to tempt, have wafted thousands upon thousands +to fortune, and brought thousands upon thousands happily back.' + +'It's an affecting thing,' said Mrs. Markleham--'however it's viewed, +it's affecting, to see a fine young man one has known from an infant, +going away to the other end of the world, leaving all he knows behind, +and not knowing what's before him. A young man really well deserves +constant support and patronage,' looking at the Doctor, 'who makes such +sacrifices.' + +'Time will go fast with you, Mr. Jack Maldon,' pursued the Doctor, +'and fast with all of us. Some of us can hardly expect, perhaps, in the +natural course of things, to greet you on your return. The next best +thing is to hope to do it, and that's my case. I shall not weary you +with good advice. You have long had a good model before you, in your +cousin Annie. Imitate her virtues as nearly as you can.' + +Mrs. Markleham fanned herself, and shook her head. + +'Farewell, Mr. Jack,' said the Doctor, standing up; on which we all +stood up. 'A prosperous voyage out, a thriving career abroad, and a +happy return home!' + +We all drank the toast, and all shook hands with Mr. Jack Maldon; after +which he hastily took leave of the ladies who were there, and hurried +to the door, where he was received, as he got into the chaise, with a +tremendous broadside of cheers discharged by our boys, who had assembled +on the lawn for the purpose. Running in among them to swell the ranks, +I was very near the chaise when it rolled away; and I had a lively +impression made upon me, in the midst of the noise and dust, of having +seen Mr. Jack Maldon rattle past with an agitated face, and something +cherry-coloured in his hand. + +After another broadside for the Doctor, and another for the Doctor's +wife, the boys dispersed, and I went back into the house, where I found +the guests all standing in a group about the Doctor, discussing how Mr. +Jack Maldon had gone away, and how he had borne it, and how he had +felt it, and all the rest of it. In the midst of these remarks, Mrs. +Markleham cried: 'Where's Annie?' + +No Annie was there; and when they called to her, no Annie replied. But +all pressing out of the room, in a crowd, to see what was the matter, we +found her lying on the hall floor. There was great alarm at first, until +it was found that she was in a swoon, and that the swoon was yielding +to the usual means of recovery; when the Doctor, who had lifted her +head upon his knee, put her curls aside with his hand, and said, looking +around: + +'Poor Annie! She's so faithful and tender-hearted! It's the parting from +her old playfellow and friend--her favourite cousin--that has done this. +Ah! It's a pity! I am very sorry!' + +When she opened her eyes, and saw where she was, and that we were all +standing about her, she arose with assistance: turning her head, as she +did so, to lay it on the Doctor's shoulder--or to hide it, I don't know +which. We went into the drawing-room, to leave her with the Doctor and +her mother; but she said, it seemed, that she was better than she had +been since morning, and that she would rather be brought among us; so +they brought her in, looking very white and weak, I thought, and sat her +on a sofa. + +'Annie, my dear,' said her mother, doing something to her dress. 'See +here! You have lost a bow. Will anybody be so good as find a ribbon; a +cherry-coloured ribbon?' + +It was the one she had worn at her bosom. We all looked for it; I myself +looked everywhere, I am certain--but nobody could find it. + +'Do you recollect where you had it last, Annie?' said her mother. + +I wondered how I could have thought she looked white, or anything but +burning red, when she answered that she had had it safe, a little while +ago, she thought, but it was not worth looking for. + +Nevertheless, it was looked for again, and still not found. She +entreated that there might be no more searching; but it was still sought +for, in a desultory way, until she was quite well, and the company took +their departure. + +We walked very slowly home, Mr. Wickfield, Agnes, and I--Agnes and I +admiring the moonlight, and Mr. Wickfield scarcely raising his eyes from +the ground. When we, at last, reached our own door, Agnes discovered +that she had left her little reticule behind. Delighted to be of any +service to her, I ran back to fetch it. + +I went into the supper-room where it had been left, which was deserted +and dark. But a door of communication between that and the Doctor's +study, where there was a light, being open, I passed on there, to say +what I wanted, and to get a candle. + +The Doctor was sitting in his easy-chair by the fireside, and his young +wife was on a stool at his feet. The Doctor, with a complacent smile, +was reading aloud some manuscript explanation or statement of a theory +out of that interminable Dictionary, and she was looking up at him. But +with such a face as I never saw. It was so beautiful in its form, it was +so ashy pale, it was so fixed in its abstraction, it was so full of a +wild, sleep-walking, dreamy horror of I don't know what. The eyes +were wide open, and her brown hair fell in two rich clusters on her +shoulders, and on her white dress, disordered by the want of the lost +ribbon. Distinctly as I recollect her look, I cannot say of what it was +expressive, I cannot even say of what it is expressive to me now, rising +again before my older judgement. Penitence, humiliation, shame, pride, +love, and trustfulness--I see them all; and in them all, I see that +horror of I don't know what. + +My entrance, and my saying what I wanted, roused her. It disturbed the +Doctor too, for when I went back to replace the candle I had taken from +the table, he was patting her head, in his fatherly way, and saying he +was a merciless drone to let her tempt him into reading on; and he would +have her go to bed. + +But she asked him, in a rapid, urgent manner, to let her stay--to let +her feel assured (I heard her murmur some broken words to this effect) +that she was in his confidence that night. And, as she turned again +towards him, after glancing at me as I left the room and went out at the +door, I saw her cross her hands upon his knee, and look up at him with +the same face, something quieted, as he resumed his reading. + +It made a great impression on me, and I remembered it a long time +afterwards; as I shall have occasion to narrate when the time comes. + + + +CHAPTER 17. SOMEBODY TURNS UP + + +It has not occurred to me to mention Peggotty since I ran away; but, of +course, I wrote her a letter almost as soon as I was housed at Dover, +and another, and a longer letter, containing all particulars fully +related, when my aunt took me formally under her protection. On my being +settled at Doctor Strong's I wrote to her again, detailing my happy +condition and prospects. I never could have derived anything like the +pleasure from spending the money Mr. Dick had given me, that I felt in +sending a gold half-guinea to Peggotty, per post, enclosed in this last +letter, to discharge the sum I had borrowed of her: in which epistle, +not before, I mentioned about the young man with the donkey-cart. + +To these communications Peggotty replied as promptly, if not as +concisely, as a merchant's clerk. Her utmost powers of expression (which +were certainly not great in ink) were exhausted in the attempt to write +what she felt on the subject of my journey. Four sides of incoherent and +interjectional beginnings of sentences, that had no end, except blots, +were inadequate to afford her any relief. But the blots were more +expressive to me than the best composition; for they showed me that +Peggotty had been crying all over the paper, and what could I have +desired more? + +I made out, without much difficulty, that she could not take quite +kindly to my aunt yet. The notice was too short after so long a +prepossession the other way. We never knew a person, she wrote; but to +think that Miss Betsey should seem to be so different from what she had +been thought to be, was a Moral!--that was her word. She was evidently +still afraid of Miss Betsey, for she sent her grateful duty to her but +timidly; and she was evidently afraid of me, too, and entertained the +probability of my running away again soon: if I might judge from the +repeated hints she threw out, that the coach-fare to Yarmouth was always +to be had of her for the asking. + +She gave me one piece of intelligence which affected me very much, +namely, that there had been a sale of the furniture at our old home, and +that Mr. and Miss Murdstone were gone away, and the house was shut up, +to be let or sold. God knows I had no part in it while they remained +there, but it pained me to think of the dear old place as altogether +abandoned; of the weeds growing tall in the garden, and the fallen +leaves lying thick and wet upon the paths. I imagined how the winds +of winter would howl round it, how the cold rain would beat upon the +window-glass, how the moon would make ghosts on the walls of the empty +rooms, watching their solitude all night. I thought afresh of the grave +in the churchyard, underneath the tree: and it seemed as if the house +were dead too, now, and all connected with my father and mother were +faded away. + +There was no other news in Peggotty's letters. Mr. Barkis was an +excellent husband, she said, though still a little near; but we all had +our faults, and she had plenty (though I am sure I don't know what they +were); and he sent his duty, and my little bedroom was always ready for +me. Mr. Peggotty was well, and Ham was well, and Mrs. Gummidge was but +poorly, and little Em'ly wouldn't send her love, but said that Peggotty +might send it, if she liked. + +All this intelligence I dutifully imparted to my aunt, only reserving +to myself the mention of little Em'ly, to whom I instinctively felt +that she would not very tenderly incline. While I was yet new at Doctor +Strong's, she made several excursions over to Canterbury to see me, and +always at unseasonable hours: with the view, I suppose, of taking me by +surprise. But, finding me well employed, and bearing a good character, +and hearing on all hands that I rose fast in the school, she soon +discontinued these visits. I saw her on a Saturday, every third or +fourth week, when I went over to Dover for a treat; and I saw Mr. Dick +every alternate Wednesday, when he arrived by stage-coach at noon, to +stay until next morning. + +On these occasions Mr. Dick never travelled without a leathern +writing-desk, containing a supply of stationery and the Memorial; in +relation to which document he had a notion that time was beginning to +press now, and that it really must be got out of hand. + +Mr. Dick was very partial to gingerbread. To render his visits the more +agreeable, my aunt had instructed me to open a credit for him at a cake +shop, which was hampered with the stipulation that he should not be +served with more than one shilling's-worth in the course of any one day. +This, and the reference of all his little bills at the county inn where +he slept, to my aunt, before they were paid, induced me to suspect that +he was only allowed to rattle his money, and not to spend it. I found +on further investigation that this was so, or at least there was an +agreement between him and my aunt that he should account to her for +all his disbursements. As he had no idea of deceiving her, and always +desired to please her, he was thus made chary of launching into expense. +On this point, as well as on all other possible points, Mr. Dick was +convinced that my aunt was the wisest and most wonderful of women; as he +repeatedly told me with infinite secrecy, and always in a whisper. + +'Trotwood,' said Mr. Dick, with an air of mystery, after imparting this +confidence to me, one Wednesday; 'who's the man that hides near our +house and frightens her?' + +'Frightens my aunt, sir?' + +Mr. Dick nodded. 'I thought nothing would have frightened her,' he said, +'for she's--' here he whispered softly, 'don't mention it--the wisest +and most wonderful of women.' Having said which, he drew back, to +observe the effect which this description of her made upon me. + +'The first time he came,' said Mr. Dick, 'was--let me see--sixteen +hundred and forty-nine was the date of King Charles's execution. I think +you said sixteen hundred and forty-nine?' + +'Yes, sir.' + +'I don't know how it can be,' said Mr. Dick, sorely puzzled and shaking +his head. 'I don't think I am as old as that.' + +'Was it in that year that the man appeared, sir?' I asked. + +'Why, really' said Mr. Dick, 'I don't see how it can have been in that +year, Trotwood. Did you get that date out of history?' + +'Yes, sir.' + +'I suppose history never lies, does it?' said Mr. Dick, with a gleam of +hope. + +'Oh dear, no, sir!' I replied, most decisively. I was ingenuous and +young, and I thought so. + +'I can't make it out,' said Mr. Dick, shaking his head. 'There's +something wrong, somewhere. However, it was very soon after the mistake +was made of putting some of the trouble out of King Charles's head into +my head, that the man first came. I was walking out with Miss Trotwood +after tea, just at dark, and there he was, close to our house.' + +'Walking about?' I inquired. + +'Walking about?' repeated Mr. Dick. 'Let me see, I must recollect a bit. +N-no, no; he was not walking about.' + +I asked, as the shortest way to get at it, what he WAS doing. + +'Well, he wasn't there at all,' said Mr. Dick, 'until he came up behind +her, and whispered. Then she turned round and fainted, and I stood still +and looked at him, and he walked away; but that he should have +been hiding ever since (in the ground or somewhere), is the most +extraordinary thing!' + +'HAS he been hiding ever since?' I asked. + +'To be sure he has,' retorted Mr. Dick, nodding his head gravely. 'Never +came out, till last night! We were walking last night, and he came up +behind her again, and I knew him again.' + +'And did he frighten my aunt again?' + +'All of a shiver,' said Mr. Dick, counterfeiting that affection and +making his teeth chatter. 'Held by the palings. Cried. But, Trotwood, +come here,' getting me close to him, that he might whisper very softly; +'why did she give him money, boy, in the moonlight?' + +'He was a beggar, perhaps.' + +Mr. Dick shook his head, as utterly renouncing the suggestion; and +having replied a great many times, and with great confidence, 'No +beggar, no beggar, no beggar, sir!' went on to say, that from his window +he had afterwards, and late at night, seen my aunt give this person +money outside the garden rails in the moonlight, who then slunk +away--into the ground again, as he thought probable--and was seen no +more: while my aunt came hurriedly and secretly back into the house, and +had, even that morning, been quite different from her usual self; which +preyed on Mr. Dick's mind. + +I had not the least belief, in the outset of this story, that the +unknown was anything but a delusion of Mr. Dick's, and one of the line +of that ill-fated Prince who occasioned him so much difficulty; but +after some reflection I began to entertain the question whether an +attempt, or threat of an attempt, might have been twice made to take +poor Mr. Dick himself from under my aunt's protection, and whether +my aunt, the strength of whose kind feeling towards him I knew from +herself, might have been induced to pay a price for his peace and quiet. +As I was already much attached to Mr. Dick, and very solicitous for his +welfare, my fears favoured this supposition; and for a long time his +Wednesday hardly ever came round, without my entertaining a misgiving +that he would not be on the coach-box as usual. There he always +appeared, however, grey-headed, laughing, and happy; and he never had +anything more to tell of the man who could frighten my aunt. + +These Wednesdays were the happiest days of Mr. Dick's life; they were +far from being the least happy of mine. He soon became known to every +boy in the school; and though he never took an active part in any game +but kite-flying, was as deeply interested in all our sports as anyone +among us. How often have I seen him, intent upon a match at marbles +or pegtop, looking on with a face of unutterable interest, and hardly +breathing at the critical times! How often, at hare and hounds, have +I seen him mounted on a little knoll, cheering the whole field on +to action, and waving his hat above his grey head, oblivious of King +Charles the Martyr's head, and all belonging to it! How many a +summer hour have I known to be but blissful minutes to him in +the cricket-field! How many winter days have I seen him, standing +blue-nosed, in the snow and east wind, looking at the boys going down +the long slide, and clapping his worsted gloves in rapture! + +He was an universal favourite, and his ingenuity in little things was +transcendent. He could cut oranges into such devices as none of us had +an idea of. He could make a boat out of anything, from a skewer upwards. +He could turn cramp-bones into chessmen; fashion Roman chariots from old +court cards; make spoked wheels out of cotton reels, and bird-cages of +old wire. But he was greatest of all, perhaps, in the articles of string +and straw; with which we were all persuaded he could do anything that +could be done by hands. + +Mr. Dick's renown was not long confined to us. After a few Wednesdays, +Doctor Strong himself made some inquiries of me about him, and I told +him all my aunt had told me; which interested the Doctor so much that +he requested, on the occasion of his next visit, to be presented to him. +This ceremony I performed; and the Doctor begging Mr. Dick, whensoever +he should not find me at the coach office, to come on there, and rest +himself until our morning's work was over, it soon passed into a custom +for Mr. Dick to come on as a matter of course, and, if we were a little +late, as often happened on a Wednesday, to walk about the courtyard, +waiting for me. Here he made the acquaintance of the Doctor's beautiful +young wife (paler than formerly, all this time; more rarely seen by +me or anyone, I think; and not so gay, but not less beautiful), and so +became more and more familiar by degrees, until, at last, he would come +into the school and wait. He always sat in a particular corner, on a +particular stool, which was called 'Dick', after him; here he would sit, +with his grey head bent forward, attentively listening to whatever might +be going on, with a profound veneration for the learning he had never +been able to acquire. + +This veneration Mr. Dick extended to the Doctor, whom he thought the +most subtle and accomplished philosopher of any age. It was long before +Mr. Dick ever spoke to him otherwise than bareheaded; and even when he +and the Doctor had struck up quite a friendship, and would walk together +by the hour, on that side of the courtyard which was known among us as +The Doctor's Walk, Mr. Dick would pull off his hat at intervals to show +his respect for wisdom and knowledge. How it ever came about that the +Doctor began to read out scraps of the famous Dictionary, in these +walks, I never knew; perhaps he felt it all the same, at first, as +reading to himself. However, it passed into a custom too; and Mr. Dick, +listening with a face shining with pride and pleasure, in his heart of +hearts believed the Dictionary to be the most delightful book in the +world. + +As I think of them going up and down before those schoolroom +windows--the Doctor reading with his complacent smile, an occasional +flourish of the manuscript, or grave motion of his head; and Mr. Dick +listening, enchained by interest, with his poor wits calmly wandering +God knows where, upon the wings of hard words--I think of it as one of +the pleasantest things, in a quiet way, that I have ever seen. I feel +as if they might go walking to and fro for ever, and the world might +somehow be the better for it--as if a thousand things it makes a noise +about, were not one half so good for it, or me. + +Agnes was one of Mr. Dick's friends, very soon; and in often coming +to the house, he made acquaintance with Uriah. The friendship between +himself and me increased continually, and it was maintained on this odd +footing: that, while Mr. Dick came professedly to look after me as my +guardian, he always consulted me in any little matter of doubt that +arose, and invariably guided himself by my advice; not only having a +high respect for my native sagacity, but considering that I inherited a +good deal from my aunt. + +One Thursday morning, when I was about to walk with Mr. Dick from the +hotel to the coach office before going back to school (for we had an +hour's school before breakfast), I met Uriah in the street, who reminded +me of the promise I had made to take tea with himself and his mother: +adding, with a writhe, 'But I didn't expect you to keep it, Master +Copperfield, we're so very umble.' + +I really had not yet been able to make up my mind whether I liked Uriah +or detested him; and I was very doubtful about it still, as I stood +looking him in the face in the street. But I felt it quite an affront to +be supposed proud, and said I only wanted to be asked. + +'Oh, if that's all, Master Copperfield,' said Uriah, 'and it really +isn't our umbleness that prevents you, will you come this evening? +But if it is our umbleness, I hope you won't mind owning to it, Master +Copperfield; for we are well aware of our condition.' + +I said I would mention it to Mr. Wickfield, and if he approved, as I had +no doubt he would, I would come with pleasure. So, at six o'clock that +evening, which was one of the early office evenings, I announced myself +as ready, to Uriah. + +'Mother will be proud, indeed,' he said, as we walked away together. 'Or +she would be proud, if it wasn't sinful, Master Copperfield.' + +'Yet you didn't mind supposing I was proud this morning,' I returned. + +'Oh dear, no, Master Copperfield!' returned Uriah. 'Oh, believe me, no! +Such a thought never came into my head! I shouldn't have deemed it at +all proud if you had thought US too umble for you. Because we are so +very umble.' + +'Have you been studying much law lately?' I asked, to change the +subject. + +'Oh, Master Copperfield,' he said, with an air of self-denial, 'my +reading is hardly to be called study. I have passed an hour or two in +the evening, sometimes, with Mr. Tidd.' + +'Rather hard, I suppose?' said I. 'He is hard to me sometimes,' returned +Uriah. 'But I don't know what he might be to a gifted person.' + +After beating a little tune on his chin as he walked on, with the two +forefingers of his skeleton right hand, he added: + +'There are expressions, you see, Master Copperfield--Latin words +and terms--in Mr. Tidd, that are trying to a reader of my umble +attainments.' + +'Would you like to be taught Latin?' I said briskly. 'I will teach it +you with pleasure, as I learn it.' + +'Oh, thank you, Master Copperfield,' he answered, shaking his head. 'I +am sure it's very kind of you to make the offer, but I am much too umble +to accept it.' + +'What nonsense, Uriah!' + +'Oh, indeed you must excuse me, Master Copperfield! I am greatly +obliged, and I should like it of all things, I assure you; but I am far +too umble. There are people enough to tread upon me in my lowly state, +without my doing outrage to their feelings by possessing learning. +Learning ain't for me. A person like myself had better not aspire. If he +is to get on in life, he must get on umbly, Master Copperfield!' + +I never saw his mouth so wide, or the creases in his cheeks so deep, as +when he delivered himself of these sentiments: shaking his head all the +time, and writhing modestly. + +'I think you are wrong, Uriah,' I said. 'I dare say there are several +things that I could teach you, if you would like to learn them.' + +'Oh, I don't doubt that, Master Copperfield,' he answered; 'not in the +least. But not being umble yourself, you don't judge well, perhaps, for +them that are. I won't provoke my betters with knowledge, thank you. I'm +much too umble. Here is my umble dwelling, Master Copperfield!' + +We entered a low, old-fashioned room, walked straight into from the +street, and found there Mrs. Heep, who was the dead image of Uriah, only +short. She received me with the utmost humility, and apologized to me +for giving her son a kiss, observing that, lowly as they were, they +had their natural affections, which they hoped would give no offence to +anyone. It was a perfectly decent room, half parlour and half kitchen, +but not at all a snug room. The tea-things were set upon the table, and +the kettle was boiling on the hob. There was a chest of drawers with an +escritoire top, for Uriah to read or write at of an evening; there was +Uriah's blue bag lying down and vomiting papers; there was a company of +Uriah's books commanded by Mr. Tidd; there was a corner cupboard: and +there were the usual articles of furniture. I don't remember that any +individual object had a bare, pinched, spare look; but I do remember +that the whole place had. + +It was perhaps a part of Mrs. Heep's humility, that she still wore +weeds. Notwithstanding the lapse of time that had occurred since Mr. +Heep's decease, she still wore weeds. I think there was some compromise +in the cap; but otherwise she was as weedy as in the early days of her +mourning. + +'This is a day to be remembered, my Uriah, I am sure,' said Mrs. Heep, +making the tea, 'when Master Copperfield pays us a visit.' + +'I said you'd think so, mother,' said Uriah. + +'If I could have wished father to remain among us for any reason,' said +Mrs. Heep, 'it would have been, that he might have known his company +this afternoon.' + +I felt embarrassed by these compliments; but I was sensible, too, of +being entertained as an honoured guest, and I thought Mrs. Heep an +agreeable woman. + +'My Uriah,' said Mrs. Heep, 'has looked forward to this, sir, a long +while. He had his fears that our umbleness stood in the way, and I +joined in them myself. Umble we are, umble we have been, umble we shall +ever be,' said Mrs. Heep. + +'I am sure you have no occasion to be so, ma'am,' I said, 'unless you +like.' + +'Thank you, sir,' retorted Mrs. Heep. 'We know our station and are +thankful in it.' + +I found that Mrs. Heep gradually got nearer to me, and that Uriah +gradually got opposite to me, and that they respectfully plied me +with the choicest of the eatables on the table. There was nothing +particularly choice there, to be sure; but I took the will for the deed, +and felt that they were very attentive. Presently they began to talk +about aunts, and then I told them about mine; and about fathers and +mothers, and then I told them about mine; and then Mrs. Heep began to +talk about fathers-in-law, and then I began to tell her about mine--but +stopped, because my aunt had advised me to observe a silence on that +subject. A tender young cork, however, would have had no more chance +against a pair of corkscrews, or a tender young tooth against a pair of +dentists, or a little shuttlecock against two battledores, than I had +against Uriah and Mrs. Heep. They did just what they liked with me; and +wormed things out of me that I had no desire to tell, with a certainty +I blush to think of, the more especially, as in my juvenile frankness, I +took some credit to myself for being so confidential and felt that I was +quite the patron of my two respectful entertainers. + +They were very fond of one another: that was certain. I take it, that +had its effect upon me, as a touch of nature; but the skill with which +the one followed up whatever the other said, was a touch of art which I +was still less proof against. When there was nothing more to be got +out of me about myself (for on the Murdstone and Grinby life, and on my +journey, I was dumb), they began about Mr. Wickfield and Agnes. Uriah +threw the ball to Mrs. Heep, Mrs. Heep caught it and threw it back to +Uriah, Uriah kept it up a little while, then sent it back to Mrs. Heep, +and so they went on tossing it about until I had no idea who had got it, +and was quite bewildered. The ball itself was always changing too. Now +it was Mr. Wickfield, now Agnes, now the excellence of Mr. Wickfield, +now my admiration of Agnes; now the extent of Mr. Wickfield's business +and resources, now our domestic life after dinner; now, the wine that +Mr. Wickfield took, the reason why he took it, and the pity that it was +he took so much; now one thing, now another, then everything at once; +and all the time, without appearing to speak very often, or to do +anything but sometimes encourage them a little, for fear they should be +overcome by their humility and the honour of my company, I found myself +perpetually letting out something or other that I had no business to +let out and seeing the effect of it in the twinkling of Uriah's dinted +nostrils. + +I had begun to be a little uncomfortable, and to wish myself well out +of the visit, when a figure coming down the street passed the door--it +stood open to air the room, which was warm, the weather being close for +the time of year--came back again, looked in, and walked in, exclaiming +loudly, 'Copperfield! Is it possible?' + +It was Mr. Micawber! It was Mr. Micawber, with his eye-glass, and +his walking-stick, and his shirt-collar, and his genteel air, and the +condescending roll in his voice, all complete! + +'My dear Copperfield,' said Mr. Micawber, putting out his hand, 'this is +indeed a meeting which is calculated to impress the mind with a sense +of the instability and uncertainty of all human--in short, it is a most +extraordinary meeting. Walking along the street, reflecting upon the +probability of something turning up (of which I am at present rather +sanguine), I find a young but valued friend turn up, who is connected +with the most eventful period of my life; I may say, with the +turning-point of my existence. Copperfield, my dear fellow, how do you +do?' + +I cannot say--I really cannot say--that I was glad to see Mr. Micawber +there; but I was glad to see him too, and shook hands with him, +heartily, inquiring how Mrs. Micawber was. + +'Thank you,' said Mr. Micawber, waving his hand as of old, and settling +his chin in his shirt-collar. 'She is tolerably convalescent. The twins +no longer derive their sustenance from Nature's founts--in short,' said +Mr. Micawber, in one of his bursts of confidence, 'they are weaned--and +Mrs. Micawber is, at present, my travelling companion. She will be +rejoiced, Copperfield, to renew her acquaintance with one who has +proved himself in all respects a worthy minister at the sacred altar of +friendship.' + +I said I should be delighted to see her. + +'You are very good,' said Mr. Micawber. + +Mr. Micawber then smiled, settled his chin again, and looked about him. + +'I have discovered my friend Copperfield,' said Mr. Micawber genteelly, +and without addressing himself particularly to anyone, 'not in solitude, +but partaking of a social meal in company with a widow lady, and one who +is apparently her offspring--in short,' said Mr. Micawber, in another +of his bursts of confidence, 'her son. I shall esteem it an honour to be +presented.' + +I could do no less, under these circumstances, than make Mr. Micawber +known to Uriah Heep and his mother; which I accordingly did. As they +abased themselves before him, Mr. Micawber took a seat, and waved his +hand in his most courtly manner. + +'Any friend of my friend Copperfield's,' said Mr. Micawber, 'has a +personal claim upon myself.' + +'We are too umble, sir,' said Mrs. Heep, 'my son and me, to be the +friends of Master Copperfield. He has been so good as take his tea with +us, and we are thankful to him for his company, also to you, sir, for +your notice.' + +'Ma'am,' returned Mr. Micawber, with a bow, 'you are very obliging: and +what are you doing, Copperfield? Still in the wine trade?' + +I was excessively anxious to get Mr. Micawber away; and replied, with my +hat in my hand, and a very red face, I have no doubt, that I was a pupil +at Doctor Strong's. + +'A pupil?' said Mr. Micawber, raising his eyebrows. 'I am extremely +happy to hear it. Although a mind like my friend Copperfield's'--to +Uriah and Mrs. Heep--'does not require that cultivation which, without +his knowledge of men and things, it would require, still it is a rich +soil teeming with latent vegetation--in short,' said Mr. Micawber, +smiling, in another burst of confidence, 'it is an intellect capable of +getting up the classics to any extent.' + +Uriah, with his long hands slowly twining over one another, made a +ghastly writhe from the waist upwards, to express his concurrence in +this estimation of me. + +'Shall we go and see Mrs. Micawber, sir?' I said, to get Mr. Micawber +away. + +'If you will do her that favour, Copperfield,' replied Mr. Micawber, +rising. 'I have no scruple in saying, in the presence of our friends +here, that I am a man who has, for some years, contended against the +pressure of pecuniary difficulties.' I knew he was certain to say +something of this kind; he always would be so boastful about his +difficulties. 'Sometimes I have risen superior to my difficulties. +Sometimes my difficulties have--in short, have floored me. There have +been times when I have administered a succession of facers to them; +there have been times when they have been too many for me, and I have +given in, and said to Mrs. Micawber, in the words of Cato, "Plato, thou +reasonest well. It's all up now. I can show fight no more." But at no +time of my life,' said Mr. Micawber, 'have I enjoyed a higher degree of +satisfaction than in pouring my griefs (if I may describe difficulties, +chiefly arising out of warrants of attorney and promissory notes at two +and four months, by that word) into the bosom of my friend Copperfield.' + +Mr. Micawber closed this handsome tribute by saying, 'Mr. Heep! Good +evening. Mrs. Heep! Your servant,' and then walking out with me in his +most fashionable manner, making a good deal of noise on the pavement +with his shoes, and humming a tune as we went. + +It was a little inn where Mr. Micawber put up, and he occupied a little +room in it, partitioned off from the commercial room, and strongly +flavoured with tobacco-smoke. I think it was over the kitchen, because +a warm greasy smell appeared to come up through the chinks in the floor, +and there was a flabby perspiration on the walls. I know it was near the +bar, on account of the smell of spirits and jingling of glasses. Here, +recumbent on a small sofa, underneath a picture of a race-horse, with +her head close to the fire, and her feet pushing the mustard off the +dumb-waiter at the other end of the room, was Mrs. Micawber, to whom Mr. +Micawber entered first, saying, 'My dear, allow me to introduce to you a +pupil of Doctor Strong's.' + +I noticed, by the by, that although Mr. Micawber was just as much +confused as ever about my age and standing, he always remembered, as a +genteel thing, that I was a pupil of Doctor Strong's. + +Mrs. Micawber was amazed, but very glad to see me. I was very glad to +see her too, and, after an affectionate greeting on both sides, sat down +on the small sofa near her. + +'My dear,' said Mr. Micawber, 'if you will mention to Copperfield what +our present position is, which I have no doubt he will like to know, I +will go and look at the paper the while, and see whether anything turns +up among the advertisements.' + +'I thought you were at Plymouth, ma'am,' I said to Mrs. Micawber, as he +went out. + +'My dear Master Copperfield,' she replied, 'we went to Plymouth.' + +'To be on the spot,' I hinted. + +'Just so,' said Mrs. Micawber. 'To be on the spot. But, the truth is, +talent is not wanted in the Custom House. The local influence of my +family was quite unavailing to obtain any employment in that department, +for a man of Mr. Micawber's abilities. They would rather NOT have a man +of Mr. Micawber's abilities. He would only show the deficiency of the +others. Apart from which,' said Mrs. Micawber, 'I will not disguise +from you, my dear Master Copperfield, that when that branch of my +family which is settled in Plymouth, became aware that Mr. Micawber was +accompanied by myself, and by little Wilkins and his sister, and by the +twins, they did not receive him with that ardour which he might have +expected, being so newly released from captivity. In fact,' said Mrs. +Micawber, lowering her voice,--'this is between ourselves--our reception +was cool.' + +'Dear me!' I said. + +'Yes,' said Mrs. Micawber. 'It is truly painful to contemplate mankind +in such an aspect, Master Copperfield, but our reception was, decidedly, +cool. There is no doubt about it. In fact, that branch of my family +which is settled in Plymouth became quite personal to Mr. Micawber, +before we had been there a week.' + +I said, and thought, that they ought to be ashamed of themselves. + +'Still, so it was,' continued Mrs. Micawber. 'Under such circumstances, +what could a man of Mr. Micawber's spirit do? But one obvious course +was left. To borrow, of that branch of my family, the money to return to +London, and to return at any sacrifice.' + +'Then you all came back again, ma'am?' I said. + +'We all came back again,' replied Mrs. Micawber. 'Since then, I have +consulted other branches of my family on the course which it is most +expedient for Mr. Micawber to take--for I maintain that he must take +some course, Master Copperfield,' said Mrs. Micawber, argumentatively. +'It is clear that a family of six, not including a domestic, cannot live +upon air.' + +'Certainly, ma'am,' said I. + +'The opinion of those other branches of my family,' pursued Mrs. +Micawber, 'is, that Mr. Micawber should immediately turn his attention +to coals.' + +'To what, ma'am?' + +'To coals,' said Mrs. Micawber. 'To the coal trade. Mr. Micawber was +induced to think, on inquiry, that there might be an opening for a +man of his talent in the Medway Coal Trade. Then, as Mr. Micawber very +properly said, the first step to be taken clearly was, to come and see +the Medway. Which we came and saw. I say "we", Master Copperfield; for +I never will,' said Mrs. Micawber with emotion, 'I never will desert Mr. +Micawber.' + +I murmured my admiration and approbation. + +'We came,' repeated Mrs. Micawber, 'and saw the Medway. My opinion of +the coal trade on that river is, that it may require talent, but that +it certainly requires capital. Talent, Mr. Micawber has; capital, Mr. +Micawber has not. We saw, I think, the greater part of the Medway; and +that is my individual conclusion. Being so near here, Mr. Micawber was +of opinion that it would be rash not to come on, and see the Cathedral. +Firstly, on account of its being so well worth seeing, and our never +having seen it; and secondly, on account of the great probability of +something turning up in a cathedral town. We have been here,' said Mrs. +Micawber, 'three days. Nothing has, as yet, turned up; and it may +not surprise you, my dear Master Copperfield, so much as it would a +stranger, to know that we are at present waiting for a remittance from +London, to discharge our pecuniary obligations at this hotel. Until the +arrival of that remittance,' said Mrs. Micawber with much feeling, 'I am +cut off from my home (I allude to lodgings in Pentonville), from my boy +and girl, and from my twins.' + +I felt the utmost sympathy for Mr. and Mrs. Micawber in this anxious +extremity, and said as much to Mr. Micawber, who now returned: adding +that I only wished I had money enough, to lend them the amount they +needed. Mr. Micawber's answer expressed the disturbance of his mind. He +said, shaking hands with me, 'Copperfield, you are a true friend; but +when the worst comes to the worst, no man is without a friend who is +possessed of shaving materials.' At this dreadful hint Mrs. Micawber +threw her arms round Mr. Micawber's neck and entreated him to be calm. +He wept; but so far recovered, almost immediately, as to ring the bell +for the waiter, and bespeak a hot kidney pudding and a plate of shrimps +for breakfast in the morning. + +When I took my leave of them, they both pressed me so much to come and +dine before they went away, that I could not refuse. But, as I knew I +could not come next day, when I should have a good deal to prepare in +the evening, Mr. Micawber arranged that he would call at Doctor Strong's +in the course of the morning (having a presentiment that the remittance +would arrive by that post), and propose the day after, if it would suit +me better. Accordingly I was called out of school next forenoon, and +found Mr. Micawber in the parlour; who had called to say that the dinner +would take place as proposed. When I asked him if the remittance had +come, he pressed my hand and departed. + +As I was looking out of window that same evening, it surprised me, and +made me rather uneasy, to see Mr. Micawber and Uriah Heep walk past, arm +in arm: Uriah humbly sensible of the honour that was done him, and Mr. +Micawber taking a bland delight in extending his patronage to Uriah. But +I was still more surprised, when I went to the little hotel next day at +the appointed dinner-hour, which was four o'clock, to find, from what +Mr. Micawber said, that he had gone home with Uriah, and had drunk +brandy-and-water at Mrs. Heep's. + +'And I'll tell you what, my dear Copperfield,' said Mr. Micawber, 'your +friend Heep is a young fellow who might be attorney-general. If I had +known that young man, at the period when my difficulties came to a +crisis, all I can say is, that I believe my creditors would have been a +great deal better managed than they were.' + +I hardly understood how this could have been, seeing that Mr. Micawber +had paid them nothing at all as it was; but I did not like to +ask. Neither did I like to say, that I hoped he had not been too +communicative to Uriah; or to inquire if they had talked much about me. +I was afraid of hurting Mr. Micawber's feelings, or, at all events, Mrs. +Micawber's, she being very sensitive; but I was uncomfortable about it, +too, and often thought about it afterwards. + +We had a beautiful little dinner. Quite an elegant dish of fish; the +kidney-end of a loin of veal, roasted; fried sausage-meat; a partridge, +and a pudding. There was wine, and there was strong ale; and after +dinner Mrs. Micawber made us a bowl of hot punch with her own hands. + +Mr. Micawber was uncommonly convivial. I never saw him such good +company. He made his face shine with the punch, so that it looked as if +it had been varnished all over. He got cheerfully sentimental about +the town, and proposed success to it; observing that Mrs. Micawber and +himself had been made extremely snug and comfortable there and that he +never should forget the agreeable hours they had passed in Canterbury. +He proposed me afterwards; and he, and Mrs. Micawber, and I, took a +review of our past acquaintance, in the course of which we sold the +property all over again. Then I proposed Mrs. Micawber: or, at least, +said, modestly, 'If you'll allow me, Mrs. Micawber, I shall now have +the pleasure of drinking your health, ma'am.' On which Mr. Micawber +delivered an eulogium on Mrs. Micawber's character, and said she +had ever been his guide, philosopher, and friend, and that he would +recommend me, when I came to a marrying time of life, to marry such +another woman, if such another woman could be found. + +As the punch disappeared, Mr. Micawber became still more friendly and +convivial. Mrs. Micawber's spirits becoming elevated, too, we sang 'Auld +Lang Syne'. When we came to 'Here's a hand, my trusty frere', we all +joined hands round the table; and when we declared we would 'take a +right gude Willie Waught', and hadn't the least idea what it meant, we +were really affected. + +In a word, I never saw anybody so thoroughly jovial as Mr. Micawber +was, down to the very last moment of the evening, when I took a hearty +farewell of himself and his amiable wife. Consequently, I was not +prepared, at seven o'clock next morning, to receive the following +communication, dated half past nine in the evening; a quarter of an hour +after I had left him:-- + +'My DEAR YOUNG FRIEND, + +'The die is cast--all is over. Hiding the ravages of care with a sickly +mask of mirth, I have not informed you, this evening, that there is no +hope of the remittance! Under these circumstances, alike humiliating to +endure, humiliating to contemplate, and humiliating to relate, I have +discharged the pecuniary liability contracted at this establishment, +by giving a note of hand, made payable fourteen days after date, at +my residence, Pentonville, London. When it becomes due, it will not be +taken up. The result is destruction. The bolt is impending, and the tree +must fall. + +'Let the wretched man who now addresses you, my dear Copperfield, be a +beacon to you through life. He writes with that intention, and in that +hope. If he could think himself of so much use, one gleam of day might, +by possibility, penetrate into the cheerless dungeon of his remaining +existence--though his longevity is, at present (to say the least of it), +extremely problematical. + +'This is the last communication, my dear Copperfield, you will ever +receive + + 'From + + 'The + + 'Beggared Outcast, + + 'WILKINS MICAWBER.' + + +I was so shocked by the contents of this heart-rending letter, that I +ran off directly towards the little hotel with the intention of taking +it on my way to Doctor Strong's, and trying to soothe Mr. Micawber with +a word of comfort. But, half-way there, I met the London coach with Mr. +and Mrs. Micawber up behind; Mr. Micawber, the very picture of tranquil +enjoyment, smiling at Mrs. Micawber's conversation, eating walnuts out +of a paper bag, with a bottle sticking out of his breast pocket. As they +did not see me, I thought it best, all things considered, not to +see them. So, with a great weight taken off my mind, I turned into a +by-street that was the nearest way to school, and felt, upon the whole, +relieved that they were gone; though I still liked them very much, +nevertheless. + + + +CHAPTER 18. A RETROSPECT + + +My school-days! The silent gliding on of my existence--the unseen, +unfelt progress of my life--from childhood up to youth! Let me think, +as I look back upon that flowing water, now a dry channel overgrown with +leaves, whether there are any marks along its course, by which I can +remember how it ran. + +A moment, and I occupy my place in the Cathedral, where we all went +together, every Sunday morning, assembling first at school for that +purpose. The earthy smell, the sunless air, the sensation of the world +being shut out, the resounding of the organ through the black and white +arched galleries and aisles, are wings that take me back, and hold me +hovering above those days, in a half-sleeping and half-waking dream. + +I am not the last boy in the school. I have risen in a few months, over +several heads. But the first boy seems to me a mighty creature, dwelling +afar off, whose giddy height is unattainable. Agnes says 'No,' but I say +'Yes,' and tell her that she little thinks what stores of knowledge have +been mastered by the wonderful Being, at whose place she thinks I, even +I, weak aspirant, may arrive in time. He is not my private friend +and public patron, as Steerforth was, but I hold him in a reverential +respect. I chiefly wonder what he'll be, when he leaves Doctor Strong's, +and what mankind will do to maintain any place against him. + +But who is this that breaks upon me? This is Miss Shepherd, whom I love. + +Miss Shepherd is a boarder at the Misses Nettingalls' establishment. I +adore Miss Shepherd. She is a little girl, in a spencer, with a round +face and curly flaxen hair. The Misses Nettingalls' young ladies come to +the Cathedral too. I cannot look upon my book, for I must look upon +Miss Shepherd. When the choristers chaunt, I hear Miss Shepherd. In the +service I mentally insert Miss Shepherd's name--I put her in among the +Royal Family. At home, in my own room, I am sometimes moved to cry out, +'Oh, Miss Shepherd!' in a transport of love. + +For some time, I am doubtful of Miss Shepherd's feelings, but, at +length, Fate being propitious, we meet at the dancing-school. I have +Miss Shepherd for my partner. I touch Miss Shepherd's glove, and feel a +thrill go up the right arm of my jacket, and come out at my hair. I say +nothing to Miss Shepherd, but we understand each other. Miss Shepherd +and myself live but to be united. + +Why do I secretly give Miss Shepherd twelve Brazil nuts for a present, I +wonder? They are not expressive of affection, they are difficult to pack +into a parcel of any regular shape, they are hard to crack, even in +room doors, and they are oily when cracked; yet I feel that they are +appropriate to Miss Shepherd. Soft, seedy biscuits, also, I bestow upon +Miss Shepherd; and oranges innumerable. Once, I kiss Miss Shepherd in +the cloak-room. Ecstasy! What are my agony and indignation next day, +when I hear a flying rumour that the Misses Nettingall have stood Miss +Shepherd in the stocks for turning in her toes! + +Miss Shepherd being the one pervading theme and vision of my life, how +do I ever come to break with her? I can't conceive. And yet a coolness +grows between Miss Shepherd and myself. Whispers reach me of Miss +Shepherd having said she wished I wouldn't stare so, and having avowed a +preference for Master Jones--for Jones! a boy of no merit whatever! The +gulf between me and Miss Shepherd widens. At last, one day, I meet the +Misses Nettingalls' establishment out walking. Miss Shepherd makes +a face as she goes by, and laughs to her companion. All is over. The +devotion of a life--it seems a life, it is all the same--is at an end; +Miss Shepherd comes out of the morning service, and the Royal Family +know her no more. + +I am higher in the school, and no one breaks my peace. I am not at all +polite, now, to the Misses Nettingalls' young ladies, and shouldn't +dote on any of them, if they were twice as many and twenty times as +beautiful. I think the dancing-school a tiresome affair, and wonder why +the girls can't dance by themselves and leave us alone. I am growing +great in Latin verses, and neglect the laces of my boots. Doctor Strong +refers to me in public as a promising young scholar. Mr. Dick is wild +with joy, and my aunt remits me a guinea by the next post. + +The shade of a young butcher rises, like the apparition of an armed head +in Macbeth. Who is this young butcher? He is the terror of the youth +of Canterbury. There is a vague belief abroad, that the beef suet with +which he anoints his hair gives him unnatural strength, and that he is +a match for a man. He is a broad-faced, bull-necked, young butcher, with +rough red cheeks, an ill-conditioned mind, and an injurious tongue. +His main use of this tongue, is, to disparage Doctor Strong's young +gentlemen. He says, publicly, that if they want anything he'll give it +'em. He names individuals among them (myself included), whom he could +undertake to settle with one hand, and the other tied behind him. He +waylays the smaller boys to punch their unprotected heads, and calls +challenges after me in the open streets. For these sufficient reasons I +resolve to fight the butcher. + +It is a summer evening, down in a green hollow, at the corner of a wall. +I meet the butcher by appointment. I am attended by a select body of our +boys; the butcher, by two other butchers, a young publican, and a sweep. +The preliminaries are adjusted, and the butcher and myself stand face to +face. In a moment the butcher lights ten thousand candles out of my left +eyebrow. In another moment, I don't know where the wall is, or where +I am, or where anybody is. I hardly know which is myself and which the +butcher, we are always in such a tangle and tussle, knocking about upon +the trodden grass. Sometimes I see the butcher, bloody but confident; +sometimes I see nothing, and sit gasping on my second's knee; sometimes +I go in at the butcher madly, and cut my knuckles open against his face, +without appearing to discompose him at all. At last I awake, very queer +about the head, as from a giddy sleep, and see the butcher walking off, +congratulated by the two other butchers and the sweep and publican, and +putting on his coat as he goes; from which I augur, justly, that the +victory is his. + +I am taken home in a sad plight, and I have beef-steaks put to my eyes, +and am rubbed with vinegar and brandy, and find a great puffy place +bursting out on my upper lip, which swells immoderately. For three or +four days I remain at home, a very ill-looking subject, with a green +shade over my eyes; and I should be very dull, but that Agnes is a +sister to me, and condoles with me, and reads to me, and makes the time +light and happy. Agnes has my confidence completely, always; I tell her +all about the butcher, and the wrongs he has heaped upon me; she thinks +I couldn't have done otherwise than fight the butcher, while she shrinks +and trembles at my having fought him. + +Time has stolen on unobserved, for Adams is not the head-boy in the days +that are come now, nor has he been this many and many a day. Adams has +left the school so long, that when he comes back, on a visit to Doctor +Strong, there are not many there, besides myself, who know him. Adams is +going to be called to the bar almost directly, and is to be an advocate, +and to wear a wig. I am surprised to find him a meeker man than I had +thought, and less imposing in appearance. He has not staggered the world +yet, either; for it goes on (as well as I can make out) pretty much the +same as if he had never joined it. + +A blank, through which the warriors of poetry and history march on in +stately hosts that seem to have no end--and what comes next! I am +the head-boy, now! I look down on the line of boys below me, with a +condescending interest in such of them as bring to my mind the boy I was +myself, when I first came there. That little fellow seems to be no part +of me; I remember him as something left behind upon the road of life--as +something I have passed, rather than have actually been--and almost +think of him as of someone else. + +And the little girl I saw on that first day at Mr. Wickfield's, where +is she? Gone also. In her stead, the perfect likeness of the picture, +a child likeness no more, moves about the house; and Agnes--my sweet +sister, as I call her in my thoughts, my counsellor and friend, the +better angel of the lives of all who come within her calm, good, +self-denying influence--is quite a woman. + +What other changes have come upon me, besides the changes in my growth +and looks, and in the knowledge I have garnered all this while? I wear +a gold watch and chain, a ring upon my little finger, and a long-tailed +coat; and I use a great deal of bear's grease--which, taken in +conjunction with the ring, looks bad. Am I in love again? I am. I +worship the eldest Miss Larkins. + +The eldest Miss Larkins is not a little girl. She is a tall, dark, +black-eyed, fine figure of a woman. The eldest Miss Larkins is not a +chicken; for the youngest Miss Larkins is not that, and the eldest must +be three or four years older. Perhaps the eldest Miss Larkins may be +about thirty. My passion for her is beyond all bounds. + +The eldest Miss Larkins knows officers. It is an awful thing to bear. I +see them speaking to her in the street. I see them cross the way to meet +her, when her bonnet (she has a bright taste in bonnets) is seen coming +down the pavement, accompanied by her sister's bonnet. She laughs and +talks, and seems to like it. I spend a good deal of my own spare time in +walking up and down to meet her. If I can bow to her once in the day (I +know her to bow to, knowing Mr. Larkins), I am happier. I deserve a bow +now and then. The raging agonies I suffer on the night of the Race Ball, +where I know the eldest Miss Larkins will be dancing with the military, +ought to have some compensation, if there be even-handed justice in the +world. + +My passion takes away my appetite, and makes me wear my newest silk +neckerchief continually. I have no relief but in putting on my best +clothes, and having my boots cleaned over and over again. I seem, then, +to be worthier of the eldest Miss Larkins. Everything that belongs to +her, or is connected with her, is precious to me. Mr. Larkins (a gruff +old gentleman with a double chin, and one of his eyes immovable in his +head) is fraught with interest to me. When I can't meet his daughter, +I go where I am likely to meet him. To say 'How do you do, Mr. Larkins? +Are the young ladies and all the family quite well?' seems so pointed, +that I blush. + +I think continually about my age. Say I am seventeen, and say that +seventeen is young for the eldest Miss Larkins, what of that? Besides, +I shall be one-and-twenty in no time almost. I regularly take walks +outside Mr. Larkins's house in the evening, though it cuts me to the +heart to see the officers go in, or to hear them up in the drawing-room, +where the eldest Miss Larkins plays the harp. I even walk, on two or +three occasions, in a sickly, spoony manner, round and round the house +after the family are gone to bed, wondering which is the eldest Miss +Larkins's chamber (and pitching, I dare say now, on Mr. Larkins's +instead); wishing that a fire would burst out; that the assembled crowd +would stand appalled; that I, dashing through them with a ladder, might +rear it against her window, save her in my arms, go back for something +she had left behind, and perish in the flames. For I am generally +disinterested in my love, and think I could be content to make a figure +before Miss Larkins, and expire. + +Generally, but not always. Sometimes brighter visions rise before me. +When I dress (the occupation of two hours), for a great ball given at +the Larkins's (the anticipation of three weeks), I indulge my fancy with +pleasing images. I picture myself taking courage to make a declaration +to Miss Larkins. I picture Miss Larkins sinking her head upon my +shoulder, and saying, 'Oh, Mr. Copperfield, can I believe my ears!' I +picture Mr. Larkins waiting on me next morning, and saying, 'My dear +Copperfield, my daughter has told me all. Youth is no objection. Here +are twenty thousand pounds. Be happy!' I picture my aunt relenting, +and blessing us; and Mr. Dick and Doctor Strong being present at the +marriage ceremony. I am a sensible fellow, I believe--I believe, +on looking back, I mean--and modest I am sure; but all this goes on +notwithstanding. I repair to the enchanted house, where there are +lights, chattering, music, flowers, officers (I am sorry to see), and +the eldest Miss Larkins, a blaze of beauty. She is dressed in blue, with +blue flowers in her hair--forget-me-nots--as if SHE had any need to wear +forget-me-nots. It is the first really grown-up party that I have ever +been invited to, and I am a little uncomfortable; for I appear not to +belong to anybody, and nobody appears to have anything to say to me, +except Mr. Larkins, who asks me how my schoolfellows are, which he +needn't do, as I have not come there to be insulted. + +But after I have stood in the doorway for some time, and feasted my eyes +upon the goddess of my heart, she approaches me--she, the eldest Miss +Larkins!--and asks me pleasantly, if I dance? + +I stammer, with a bow, 'With you, Miss Larkins.' + +'With no one else?' inquires Miss Larkins. + +'I should have no pleasure in dancing with anyone else.' + +Miss Larkins laughs and blushes (or I think she blushes), and says, +'Next time but one, I shall be very glad.' + +The time arrives. 'It is a waltz, I think,' Miss Larkins doubtfully +observes, when I present myself. 'Do you waltz? If not, Captain +Bailey--' + +But I do waltz (pretty well, too, as it happens), and I take Miss +Larkins out. I take her sternly from the side of Captain Bailey. He +is wretched, I have no doubt; but he is nothing to me. I have been +wretched, too. I waltz with the eldest Miss Larkins! I don't know where, +among whom, or how long. I only know that I swim about in space, with a +blue angel, in a state of blissful delirium, until I find myself alone +with her in a little room, resting on a sofa. She admires a flower (pink +camellia japonica, price half-a-crown), in my button-hole. I give it +her, and say: + +'I ask an inestimable price for it, Miss Larkins.' + +'Indeed! What is that?' returns Miss Larkins. + +'A flower of yours, that I may treasure it as a miser does gold.' + +'You're a bold boy,' says Miss Larkins. 'There.' + +She gives it me, not displeased; and I put it to my lips, and then into +my breast. Miss Larkins, laughing, draws her hand through my arm, and +says, 'Now take me back to Captain Bailey.' + +I am lost in the recollection of this delicious interview, and the +waltz, when she comes to me again, with a plain elderly gentleman who +has been playing whist all night, upon her arm, and says: + +'Oh! here is my bold friend! Mr. Chestle wants to know you, Mr. +Copperfield.' + +I feel at once that he is a friend of the family, and am much gratified. + +'I admire your taste, sir,' says Mr. Chestle. 'It does you credit. I +suppose you don't take much interest in hops; but I am a pretty +large grower myself; and if you ever like to come over to our +neighbourhood--neighbourhood of Ashford--and take a run about our +place,--we shall be glad for you to stop as long as you like.' + +I thank Mr. Chestle warmly, and shake hands. I think I am in a happy +dream. I waltz with the eldest Miss Larkins once again. She says I +waltz so well! I go home in a state of unspeakable bliss, and waltz in +imagination, all night long, with my arm round the blue waist of my dear +divinity. For some days afterwards, I am lost in rapturous reflections; +but I neither see her in the street, nor when I call. I am imperfectly +consoled for this disappointment by the sacred pledge, the perished +flower. + +'Trotwood,' says Agnes, one day after dinner. 'Who do you think is going +to be married tomorrow? Someone you admire.' + +'Not you, I suppose, Agnes?' + +'Not me!' raising her cheerful face from the music she is copying. 'Do +you hear him, Papa?--The eldest Miss Larkins.' + +'To--to Captain Bailey?' I have just enough power to ask. + +'No; to no Captain. To Mr. Chestle, a hop-grower.' + +I am terribly dejected for about a week or two. I take off my ring, I +wear my worst clothes, I use no bear's grease, and I frequently lament +over the late Miss Larkins's faded flower. Being, by that time, rather +tired of this kind of life, and having received new provocation from +the butcher, I throw the flower away, go out with the butcher, and +gloriously defeat him. + +This, and the resumption of my ring, as well as of the bear's grease +in moderation, are the last marks I can discern, now, in my progress to +seventeen. + + + +CHAPTER 19. I LOOK ABOUT ME, AND MAKE A DISCOVERY + + +I am doubtful whether I was at heart glad or sorry, when my school-days +drew to an end, and the time came for my leaving Doctor Strong's. I had +been very happy there, I had a great attachment for the Doctor, and I +was eminent and distinguished in that little world. For these reasons +I was sorry to go; but for other reasons, unsubstantial enough, I +was glad. Misty ideas of being a young man at my own disposal, of +the importance attaching to a young man at his own disposal, of the +wonderful things to be seen and done by that magnificent animal, and the +wonderful effects he could not fail to make upon society, lured me away. +So powerful were these visionary considerations in my boyish mind, that +I seem, according to my present way of thinking, to have left school +without natural regret. The separation has not made the impression on +me, that other separations have. I try in vain to recall how I felt +about it, and what its circumstances were; but it is not momentous in my +recollection. I suppose the opening prospect confused me. I know that my +juvenile experiences went for little or nothing then; and that life was +more like a great fairy story, which I was just about to begin to read, +than anything else. + +My aunt and I had held many grave deliberations on the calling to which +I should be devoted. For a year or more I had endeavoured to find a +satisfactory answer to her often-repeated question, 'What I would like +to be?' But I had no particular liking, that I could discover, for +anything. If I could have been inspired with a knowledge of the science +of navigation, taken the command of a fast-sailing expedition, and gone +round the world on a triumphant voyage of discovery, I think I might +have considered myself completely suited. But, in the absence of any +such miraculous provision, my desire was to apply myself to some pursuit +that would not lie too heavily upon her purse; and to do my duty in it, +whatever it might be. + +Mr. Dick had regularly assisted at our councils, with a meditative +and sage demeanour. He never made a suggestion but once; and on that +occasion (I don't know what put it in his head), he suddenly proposed +that I should be 'a Brazier'. My aunt received this proposal so very +ungraciously, that he never ventured on a second; but ever afterwards +confined himself to looking watchfully at her for her suggestions, and +rattling his money. + +'Trot, I tell you what, my dear,' said my aunt, one morning in the +Christmas season when I left school: 'as this knotty point is still +unsettled, and as we must not make a mistake in our decision if we can +help it, I think we had better take a little breathing-time. In the +meanwhile, you must try to look at it from a new point of view, and not +as a schoolboy.' + +'I will, aunt.' + +'It has occurred to me,' pursued my aunt, 'that a little change, and a +glimpse of life out of doors, may be useful in helping you to know your +own mind, and form a cooler judgement. Suppose you were to go down into +the old part of the country again, for instance, and see that--that +out-of-the-way woman with the savagest of names,' said my aunt, rubbing +her nose, for she could never thoroughly forgive Peggotty for being so +called. + +'Of all things in the world, aunt, I should like it best!' + +'Well,' said my aunt, 'that's lucky, for I should like it too. But +it's natural and rational that you should like it. And I am very +well persuaded that whatever you do, Trot, will always be natural and +rational.' + +'I hope so, aunt.' + +'Your sister, Betsey Trotwood,' said my aunt, 'would have been as +natural and rational a girl as ever breathed. You'll be worthy of her, +won't you?' + +'I hope I shall be worthy of YOU, aunt. That will be enough for me.' + +'It's a mercy that poor dear baby of a mother of yours didn't live,' +said my aunt, looking at me approvingly, 'or she'd have been so vain +of her boy by this time, that her soft little head would have been +completely turned, if there was anything of it left to turn.' (My aunt +always excused any weakness of her own in my behalf, by transferring it +in this way to my poor mother.) 'Bless me, Trotwood, how you do remind +me of her!' + +'Pleasantly, I hope, aunt?' said I. + +'He's as like her, Dick,' said my aunt, emphatically, 'he's as like her, +as she was that afternoon before she began to fret--bless my heart, he's +as like her, as he can look at me out of his two eyes!' + +'Is he indeed?' said Mr. Dick. + +'And he's like David, too,' said my aunt, decisively. + +'He is very like David!' said Mr. Dick. + +'But what I want you to be, Trot,' resumed my aunt, '--I don't mean +physically, but morally; you are very well physically--is, a firm +fellow. A fine firm fellow, with a will of your own. With resolution,' +said my aunt, shaking her cap at me, and clenching her hand. 'With +determination. With character, Trot--with strength of character that is +not to be influenced, except on good reason, by anybody, or by anything. +That's what I want you to be. That's what your father and mother might +both have been, Heaven knows, and been the better for it.' + +I intimated that I hoped I should be what she described. + +'That you may begin, in a small way, to have a reliance upon yourself, +and to act for yourself,' said my aunt, 'I shall send you upon your +trip, alone. I did think, once, of Mr. Dick's going with you; but, on +second thoughts, I shall keep him to take care of me.' + +Mr. Dick, for a moment, looked a little disappointed; until the honour +and dignity of having to take care of the most wonderful woman in the +world, restored the sunshine to his face. + +'Besides,' said my aunt, 'there's the Memorial--' + +'Oh, certainly,' said Mr. Dick, in a hurry, 'I intend, Trotwood, to get +that done immediately--it really must be done immediately! And then it +will go in, you know--and then--' said Mr. Dick, after checking himself, +and pausing a long time, 'there'll be a pretty kettle of fish!' + +In pursuance of my aunt's kind scheme, I was shortly afterwards fitted +out with a handsome purse of money, and a portmanteau, and tenderly +dismissed upon my expedition. At parting, my aunt gave me some good +advice, and a good many kisses; and said that as her object was that I +should look about me, and should think a little, she would recommend me +to stay a few days in London, if I liked it, either on my way down into +Suffolk, or in coming back. In a word, I was at liberty to do what I +would, for three weeks or a month; and no other conditions were imposed +upon my freedom than the before-mentioned thinking and looking about me, +and a pledge to write three times a week and faithfully report myself. + +I went to Canterbury first, that I might take leave of Agnes and Mr. +Wickfield (my old room in whose house I had not yet relinquished), and +also of the good Doctor. Agnes was very glad to see me, and told me that +the house had not been like itself since I had left it. + +'I am sure I am not like myself when I am away,' said I. 'I seem to +want my right hand, when I miss you. Though that's not saying much; for +there's no head in my right hand, and no heart. Everyone who knows you, +consults with you, and is guided by you, Agnes.' + +'Everyone who knows me, spoils me, I believe,' she answered, smiling. + +'No. It's because you are like no one else. You are so good, and so +sweet-tempered. You have such a gentle nature, and you are always +right.' + +'You talk,' said Agnes, breaking into a pleasant laugh, as she sat at +work, 'as if I were the late Miss Larkins.' + +'Come! It's not fair to abuse my confidence,' I answered, reddening at +the recollection of my blue enslaver. 'But I shall confide in you, just +the same, Agnes. I can never grow out of that. Whenever I fall into +trouble, or fall in love, I shall always tell you, if you'll let +me--even when I come to fall in love in earnest.' + +'Why, you have always been in earnest!' said Agnes, laughing again. + +'Oh! that was as a child, or a schoolboy,' said I, laughing in my turn, +not without being a little shame-faced. 'Times are altering now, and I +suppose I shall be in a terrible state of earnestness one day or other. +My wonder is, that you are not in earnest yourself, by this time, +Agnes.' + +Agnes laughed again, and shook her head. + +'Oh, I know you are not!' said I, 'because if you had been you would +have told me. Or at least'--for I saw a faint blush in her face, 'you +would have let me find it out for myself. But there is no one that I +know of, who deserves to love you, Agnes. Someone of a nobler character, +and more worthy altogether than anyone I have ever seen here, must rise +up, before I give my consent. In the time to come, I shall have a wary +eye on all admirers; and shall exact a great deal from the successful +one, I assure you.' + +We had gone on, so far, in a mixture of confidential jest and earnest, +that had long grown naturally out of our familiar relations, begun as +mere children. But Agnes, now suddenly lifting up her eyes to mine, and +speaking in a different manner, said: + +'Trotwood, there is something that I want to ask you, and that I may not +have another opportunity of asking for a long time, perhaps--something +I would ask, I think, of no one else. Have you observed any gradual +alteration in Papa?' + +I had observed it, and had often wondered whether she had too. I must +have shown as much, now, in my face; for her eyes were in a moment cast +down, and I saw tears in them. + +'Tell me what it is,' she said, in a low voice. + +'I think--shall I be quite plain, Agnes, liking him so much?' + +'Yes,' she said. + +'I think he does himself no good by the habit that has increased upon +him since I first came here. He is often very nervous--or I fancy so.' + +'It is not fancy,' said Agnes, shaking her head. + +'His hand trembles, his speech is not plain, and his eyes look wild. I +have remarked that at those times, and when he is least like himself, he +is most certain to be wanted on some business.' + +'By Uriah,' said Agnes. + +'Yes; and the sense of being unfit for it, or of not having understood +it, or of having shown his condition in spite of himself, seems to make +him so uneasy, that next day he is worse, and next day worse, and so he +becomes jaded and haggard. Do not be alarmed by what I say, Agnes, but +in this state I saw him, only the other evening, lay down his head upon +his desk, and shed tears like a child.' + +Her hand passed softly before my lips while I was yet speaking, and in +a moment she had met her father at the door of the room, and was hanging +on his shoulder. The expression of her face, as they both looked towards +me, I felt to be very touching. There was such deep fondness for him, +and gratitude to him for all his love and care, in her beautiful look; +and there was such a fervent appeal to me to deal tenderly by him, even +in my inmost thoughts, and to let no harsh construction find any place +against him; she was, at once, so proud of him and devoted to him, yet +so compassionate and sorry, and so reliant upon me to be so, too; that +nothing she could have said would have expressed more to me, or moved me +more. + +We were to drink tea at the Doctor's. We went there at the usual hour; +and round the study fireside found the Doctor, and his young wife, and +her mother. The Doctor, who made as much of my going away as if I were +going to China, received me as an honoured guest; and called for a log +of wood to be thrown on the fire, that he might see the face of his old +pupil reddening in the blaze. + +'I shall not see many more new faces in Trotwood's stead, Wickfield,' +said the Doctor, warming his hands; 'I am getting lazy, and want ease. +I shall relinquish all my young people in another six months, and lead a +quieter life.' + +'You have said so, any time these ten years, Doctor,' Mr. Wickfield +answered. + +'But now I mean to do it,' returned the Doctor. 'My first master will +succeed me--I am in earnest at last--so you'll soon have to arrange our +contracts, and to bind us firmly to them, like a couple of knaves.' + +'And to take care,' said Mr. Wickfield, 'that you're not imposed on, eh? +As you certainly would be, in any contract you should make for yourself. +Well! I am ready. There are worse tasks than that, in my calling.' + +'I shall have nothing to think of then,' said the Doctor, with a smile, +'but my Dictionary; and this other contract-bargain--Annie.' + +As Mr. Wickfield glanced towards her, sitting at the tea table by Agnes, +she seemed to me to avoid his look with such unwonted hesitation and +timidity, that his attention became fixed upon her, as if something were +suggested to his thoughts. + +'There is a post come in from India, I observe,' he said, after a short +silence. + +'By the by! and letters from Mr. Jack Maldon!' said the Doctor. + +'Indeed!' 'Poor dear Jack!' said Mrs. Markleham, shaking her head. 'That +trying climate!--like living, they tell me, on a sand-heap, underneath +a burning-glass! He looked strong, but he wasn't. My dear Doctor, it was +his spirit, not his constitution, that he ventured on so boldly. Annie, +my dear, I am sure you must perfectly recollect that your cousin +never was strong--not what can be called ROBUST, you know,' said Mrs. +Markleham, with emphasis, and looking round upon us generally, '--from +the time when my daughter and himself were children together, and +walking about, arm-in-arm, the livelong day.' + +Annie, thus addressed, made no reply. + +'Do I gather from what you say, ma'am, that Mr. Maldon is ill?' asked +Mr. Wickfield. + +'Ill!' replied the Old Soldier. 'My dear sir, he's all sorts of things.' + +'Except well?' said Mr. Wickfield. + +'Except well, indeed!' said the Old Soldier. 'He has had dreadful +strokes of the sun, no doubt, and jungle fevers and agues, and every +kind of thing you can mention. As to his liver,' said the Old Soldier +resignedly, 'that, of course, he gave up altogether, when he first went +out!' + +'Does he say all this?' asked Mr. Wickfield. + +'Say? My dear sir,' returned Mrs. Markleham, shaking her head and her +fan, 'you little know my poor Jack Maldon when you ask that question. +Say? Not he. You might drag him at the heels of four wild horses first.' + +'Mama!' said Mrs. Strong. + +'Annie, my dear,' returned her mother, 'once for all, I must really beg +that you will not interfere with me, unless it is to confirm what I say. +You know as well as I do that your cousin Maldon would be dragged at the +heels of any number of wild horses--why should I confine myself to four! +I WON'T confine myself to four--eight, sixteen, two-and-thirty, rather +than say anything calculated to overturn the Doctor's plans.' + +'Wickfield's plans,' said the Doctor, stroking his face, and looking +penitently at his adviser. 'That is to say, our joint plans for him. I +said myself, abroad or at home.' + +'And I said' added Mr. Wickfield gravely, 'abroad. I was the means of +sending him abroad. It's my responsibility.' + +'Oh! Responsibility!' said the Old Soldier. 'Everything was done for +the best, my dear Mr. Wickfield; everything was done for the kindest and +best, we know. But if the dear fellow can't live there, he can't live +there. And if he can't live there, he'll die there, sooner than he'll +overturn the Doctor's plans. I know him,' said the Old Soldier, fanning +herself, in a sort of calm prophetic agony, 'and I know he'll die there, +sooner than he'll overturn the Doctor's plans.' + +'Well, well, ma'am,' said the Doctor cheerfully, 'I am not bigoted to +my plans, and I can overturn them myself. I can substitute some other +plans. If Mr. Jack Maldon comes home on account of ill health, he must +not be allowed to go back, and we must endeavour to make some more +suitable and fortunate provision for him in this country.' + +Mrs. Markleham was so overcome by this generous speech--which, I need +not say, she had not at all expected or led up to--that she could only +tell the Doctor it was like himself, and go several times through that +operation of kissing the sticks of her fan, and then tapping his hand +with it. After which she gently chid her daughter Annie, for not being +more demonstrative when such kindnesses were showered, for her sake, on +her old playfellow; and entertained us with some particulars concerning +other deserving members of her family, whom it was desirable to set on +their deserving legs. + +All this time, her daughter Annie never once spoke, or lifted up her +eyes. All this time, Mr. Wickfield had his glance upon her as she sat +by his own daughter's side. It appeared to me that he never thought of +being observed by anyone; but was so intent upon her, and upon his own +thoughts in connexion with her, as to be quite absorbed. He now asked +what Mr. Jack Maldon had actually written in reference to himself, and +to whom he had written? + +'Why, here,' said Mrs. Markleham, taking a letter from the chimney-piece +above the Doctor's head, 'the dear fellow says to the Doctor +himself--where is it? Oh!--"I am sorry to inform you that my health is +suffering severely, and that I fear I may be reduced to the necessity +of returning home for a time, as the only hope of restoration." That's +pretty plain, poor fellow! His only hope of restoration! But Annie's +letter is plainer still. Annie, show me that letter again.' + +'Not now, mama,' she pleaded in a low tone. + +'My dear, you absolutely are, on some subjects, one of the most +ridiculous persons in the world,' returned her mother, 'and perhaps the +most unnatural to the claims of your own family. We never should have +heard of the letter at all, I believe, unless I had asked for it myself. +Do you call that confidence, my love, towards Doctor Strong? I am +surprised. You ought to know better.' + +The letter was reluctantly produced; and as I handed it to the old lady, +I saw how the unwilling hand from which I took it, trembled. + +'Now let us see,' said Mrs. Markleham, putting her glass to her eye, +'where the passage is. "The remembrance of old times, my dearest +Annie"--and so forth--it's not there. "The amiable old Proctor"--who's +he? Dear me, Annie, how illegibly your cousin Maldon writes, and how +stupid I am! "Doctor," of course. Ah! amiable indeed!' Here she left +off, to kiss her fan again, and shake it at the Doctor, who was looking +at us in a state of placid satisfaction. 'Now I have found it. "You may +not be surprised to hear, Annie,"--no, to be sure, knowing that he never +was really strong; what did I say just now?--"that I have undergone +so much in this distant place, as to have decided to leave it at all +hazards; on sick leave, if I can; on total resignation, if that is +not to be obtained. What I have endured, and do endure here, is +insupportable." And but for the promptitude of that best of creatures,' +said Mrs. Markleham, telegraphing the Doctor as before, and refolding +the letter, 'it would be insupportable to me to think of.' + +Mr. Wickfield said not one word, though the old lady looked to him as if +for his commentary on this intelligence; but sat severely silent, with +his eyes fixed on the ground. Long after the subject was dismissed, +and other topics occupied us, he remained so; seldom raising his eyes, +unless to rest them for a moment, with a thoughtful frown, upon the +Doctor, or his wife, or both. + +The Doctor was very fond of music. Agnes sang with great sweetness and +expression, and so did Mrs. Strong. They sang together, and played duets +together, and we had quite a little concert. But I remarked two things: +first, that though Annie soon recovered her composure, and was quite +herself, there was a blank between her and Mr. Wickfield which separated +them wholly from each other; secondly, that Mr. Wickfield seemed +to dislike the intimacy between her and Agnes, and to watch it with +uneasiness. And now, I must confess, the recollection of what I had seen +on that night when Mr. Maldon went away, first began to return upon me +with a meaning it had never had, and to trouble me. The innocent beauty +of her face was not as innocent to me as it had been; I mistrusted the +natural grace and charm of her manner; and when I looked at Agnes by her +side, and thought how good and true Agnes was, suspicions arose within +me that it was an ill-assorted friendship. + +She was so happy in it herself, however, and the other was so happy too, +that they made the evening fly away as if it were but an hour. It closed +in an incident which I well remember. They were taking leave of each +other, and Agnes was going to embrace her and kiss her, when Mr. +Wickfield stepped between them, as if by accident, and drew Agnes +quickly away. Then I saw, as though all the intervening time had been +cancelled, and I were still standing in the doorway on the night of the +departure, the expression of that night in the face of Mrs. Strong, as +it confronted his. + +I cannot say what an impression this made upon me, or how impossible I +found it, when I thought of her afterwards, to separate her from this +look, and remember her face in its innocent loveliness again. It haunted +me when I got home. I seemed to have left the Doctor's roof with a dark +cloud lowering on it. The reverence that I had for his grey head, was +mingled with commiseration for his faith in those who were treacherous +to him, and with resentment against those who injured him. The impending +shadow of a great affliction, and a great disgrace that had no distinct +form in it yet, fell like a stain upon the quiet place where I had +worked and played as a boy, and did it a cruel wrong. I had no pleasure +in thinking, any more, of the grave old broad-leaved aloe-trees, which +remained shut up in themselves a hundred years together, and of the trim +smooth grass-plot, and the stone urns, and the Doctor's walk, and the +congenial sound of the Cathedral bell hovering above them all. It was as +if the tranquil sanctuary of my boyhood had been sacked before my face, +and its peace and honour given to the winds. + +But morning brought with it my parting from the old house, which Agnes +had filled with her influence; and that occupied my mind sufficiently. +I should be there again soon, no doubt; I might sleep again--perhaps +often--in my old room; but the days of my inhabiting there were gone, +and the old time was past. I was heavier at heart when I packed up such +of my books and clothes as still remained there to be sent to Dover, +than I cared to show to Uriah Heep; who was so officious to help me, +that I uncharitably thought him mighty glad that I was going. + +I got away from Agnes and her father, somehow, with an indifferent show +of being very manly, and took my seat upon the box of the London coach. +I was so softened and forgiving, going through the town, that I had half +a mind to nod to my old enemy the butcher, and throw him five shillings +to drink. But he looked such a very obdurate butcher as he stood +scraping the great block in the shop, and moreover, his appearance was +so little improved by the loss of a front tooth which I had knocked out, +that I thought it best to make no advances. + +The main object on my mind, I remember, when we got fairly on the road, +was to appear as old as possible to the coachman, and to speak extremely +gruff. The latter point I achieved at great personal inconvenience; but +I stuck to it, because I felt it was a grown-up sort of thing. + +'You are going through, sir?' said the coachman. + +'Yes, William,' I said, condescendingly (I knew him); 'I am going to +London. I shall go down into Suffolk afterwards.' + +'Shooting, sir?' said the coachman. + +He knew as well as I did that it was just as likely, at that time of +year, I was going down there whaling; but I felt complimented, too. + +'I don't know,' I said, pretending to be undecided, 'whether I shall +take a shot or not.' 'Birds is got wery shy, I'm told,' said William. + +'So I understand,' said I. + +'Is Suffolk your county, sir?' asked William. + +'Yes,' I said, with some importance. 'Suffolk's my county.' + +'I'm told the dumplings is uncommon fine down there,' said William. + +I was not aware of it myself, but I felt it necessary to uphold the +institutions of my county, and to evince a familiarity with them; so I +shook my head, as much as to say, 'I believe you!' + +'And the Punches,' said William. 'There's cattle! A Suffolk Punch, when +he's a good un, is worth his weight in gold. Did you ever breed any +Suffolk Punches yourself, sir?' + +'N-no,' I said, 'not exactly.' + +'Here's a gen'lm'n behind me, I'll pound it,' said William, 'as has bred +'em by wholesale.' + +The gentleman spoken of was a gentleman with a very unpromising squint, +and a prominent chin, who had a tall white hat on with a narrow flat +brim, and whose close-fitting drab trousers seemed to button all the way +up outside his legs from his boots to his hips. His chin was cocked over +the coachman's shoulder, so near to me, that his breath quite tickled +the back of my head; and as I looked at him, he leered at the leaders +with the eye with which he didn't squint, in a very knowing manner. + +'Ain't you?' asked William. + +'Ain't I what?' said the gentleman behind. + +'Bred them Suffolk Punches by wholesale?' + +'I should think so,' said the gentleman. 'There ain't no sort of orse +that I ain't bred, and no sort of dorg. Orses and dorgs is some +men's fancy. They're wittles and drink to me--lodging, wife, and +children--reading, writing, and Arithmetic--snuff, tobacker, and sleep.' + +'That ain't a sort of man to see sitting behind a coach-box, is it +though?' said William in my ear, as he handled the reins. + +I construed this remark into an indication of a wish that he should have +my place, so I blushingly offered to resign it. + +'Well, if you don't mind, sir,' said William, 'I think it would be more +correct.' + +I have always considered this as the first fall I had in life. When I +booked my place at the coach office I had had 'Box Seat' written against +the entry, and had given the book-keeper half-a-crown. I was got up in +a special great-coat and shawl, expressly to do honour to that +distinguished eminence; had glorified myself upon it a good deal; and +had felt that I was a credit to the coach. And here, in the very first +stage, I was supplanted by a shabby man with a squint, who had no other +merit than smelling like a livery-stables, and being able to walk across +me, more like a fly than a human being, while the horses were at a +canter! + +A distrust of myself, which has often beset me in life on small +occasions, when it would have been better away, was assuredly not +stopped in its growth by this little incident outside the Canterbury +coach. It was in vain to take refuge in gruffness of speech. I spoke +from the pit of my stomach for the rest of the journey, but I felt +completely extinguished, and dreadfully young. + +It was curious and interesting, nevertheless, to be sitting up there +behind four horses: well educated, well dressed, and with plenty of +money in my pocket; and to look out for the places where I had slept on +my weary journey. I had abundant occupation for my thoughts, in every +conspicuous landmark on the road. When I looked down at the trampers +whom we passed, and saw that well-remembered style of face turned up, +I felt as if the tinker's blackened hand were in the bosom of my shirt +again. When we clattered through the narrow street of Chatham, and I +caught a glimpse, in passing, of the lane where the old monster lived +who had bought my jacket, I stretched my neck eagerly to look for the +place where I had sat, in the sun and in the shade, waiting for my +money. When we came, at last, within a stage of London, and passed the +veritable Salem House where Mr. Creakle had laid about him with a heavy +hand, I would have given all I had, for lawful permission to get down +and thrash him, and let all the boys out like so many caged sparrows. + +We went to the Golden Cross at Charing Cross, then a mouldy sort of +establishment in a close neighbourhood. A waiter showed me into the +coffee-room; and a chambermaid introduced me to my small bedchamber, +which smelt like a hackney-coach, and was shut up like a family vault. +I was still painfully conscious of my youth, for nobody stood in any awe +of me at all: the chambermaid being utterly indifferent to my opinions +on any subject, and the waiter being familiar with me, and offering +advice to my inexperience. + +'Well now,' said the waiter, in a tone of confidence, 'what would you +like for dinner? Young gentlemen likes poultry in general: have a fowl!' + +I told him, as majestically as I could, that I wasn't in the humour for +a fowl. + +'Ain't you?' said the waiter. 'Young gentlemen is generally tired of +beef and mutton: have a weal cutlet!' + +I assented to this proposal, in default of being able to suggest +anything else. + +'Do you care for taters?' said the waiter, with an insinuating smile, +and his head on one side. 'Young gentlemen generally has been overdosed +with taters.' + +I commanded him, in my deepest voice, to order a veal cutlet and +potatoes, and all things fitting; and to inquire at the bar if there +were any letters for Trotwood Copperfield, Esquire--which I knew there +were not, and couldn't be, but thought it manly to appear to expect. + +He soon came back to say that there were none (at which I was much +surprised) and began to lay the cloth for my dinner in a box by the +fire. While he was so engaged, he asked me what I would take with it; +and on my replying 'Half a pint of sherry,' thought it a favourable +opportunity, I am afraid, to extract that measure of wine from the +stale leavings at the bottoms of several small decanters. I am of this +opinion, because, while I was reading the newspaper, I observed him +behind a low wooden partition, which was his private apartment, very +busy pouring out of a number of those vessels into one, like a chemist +and druggist making up a prescription. When the wine came, too, I +thought it flat; and it certainly had more English crumbs in it, than +were to be expected in a foreign wine in anything like a pure state, but +I was bashful enough to drink it, and say nothing. + +Being then in a pleasant frame of mind (from which I infer that +poisoning is not always disagreeable in some stages of the process), I +resolved to go to the play. It was Covent Garden Theatre that I chose; +and there, from the back of a centre box, I saw Julius Caesar and the +new Pantomime. To have all those noble Romans alive before me, and +walking in and out for my entertainment, instead of being the stern +taskmasters they had been at school, was a most novel and delightful +effect. But the mingled reality and mystery of the whole show, the +influence upon me of the poetry, the lights, the music, the company, the +smooth stupendous changes of glittering and brilliant scenery, were so +dazzling, and opened up such illimitable regions of delight, that when I +came out into the rainy street, at twelve o'clock at night, I felt as if +I had come from the clouds, where I had been leading a romantic life +for ages, to a bawling, splashing, link-lighted, umbrella-struggling, +hackney-coach-jostling, patten-clinking, muddy, miserable world. + +I had emerged by another door, and stood in the street for a little +while, as if I really were a stranger upon earth: but the unceremonious +pushing and hustling that I received, soon recalled me to myself, and +put me in the road back to the hotel; whither I went, revolving the +glorious vision all the way; and where, after some porter and oysters, +I sat revolving it still, at past one o'clock, with my eyes on the +coffee-room fire. + +I was so filled with the play, and with the past--for it was, in a +manner, like a shining transparency, through which I saw my earlier +life moving along--that I don't know when the figure of a handsome +well-formed young man dressed with a tasteful easy negligence which I +have reason to remember very well, became a real presence to me. But +I recollect being conscious of his company without having noticed his +coming in--and my still sitting, musing, over the coffee-room fire. + +At last I rose to go to bed, much to the relief of the sleepy waiter, +who had got the fidgets in his legs, and was twisting them, and hitting +them, and putting them through all kinds of contortions in his small +pantry. In going towards the door, I passed the person who had come in, +and saw him plainly. I turned directly, came back, and looked again. He +did not know me, but I knew him in a moment. + +At another time I might have wanted the confidence or the decision to +speak to him, and might have put it off until next day, and might have +lost him. But, in the then condition of my mind, where the play was +still running high, his former protection of me appeared so deserving +of my gratitude, and my old love for him overflowed my breast so freshly +and spontaneously, that I went up to him at once, with a fast-beating +heart, and said: + +'Steerforth! won't you speak to me?' + +He looked at me--just as he used to look, sometimes--but I saw no +recognition in his face. + +'You don't remember me, I am afraid,' said I. + +'My God!' he suddenly exclaimed. 'It's little Copperfield!' + +I grasped him by both hands, and could not let them go. But for very +shame, and the fear that it might displease him, I could have held him +round the neck and cried. + +'I never, never, never was so glad! My dear Steerforth, I am so +overjoyed to see you!' + +'And I am rejoiced to see you, too!' he said, shaking my hands heartily. +'Why, Copperfield, old boy, don't be overpowered!' And yet he was glad, +too, I thought, to see how the delight I had in meeting him affected me. + +I brushed away the tears that my utmost resolution had not been able to +keep back, and I made a clumsy laugh of it, and we sat down together, +side by side. + +'Why, how do you come to be here?' said Steerforth, clapping me on the +shoulder. + +'I came here by the Canterbury coach, today. I have been adopted by +an aunt down in that part of the country, and have just finished my +education there. How do YOU come to be here, Steerforth?' + +'Well, I am what they call an Oxford man,' he returned; 'that is to say, +I get bored to death down there, periodically--and I am on my way now to +my mother's. You're a devilish amiable-looking fellow, Copperfield. Just +what you used to be, now I look at you! Not altered in the least!' + +'I knew you immediately,' I said; 'but you are more easily remembered.' + +He laughed as he ran his hand through the clustering curls of his hair, +and said gaily: + +'Yes, I am on an expedition of duty. My mother lives a little way out of +town; and the roads being in a beastly condition, and our house tedious +enough, I remained here tonight instead of going on. I have not been in +town half-a-dozen hours, and those I have been dozing and grumbling away +at the play.' + +'I have been at the play, too,' said I. 'At Covent Garden. What a +delightful and magnificent entertainment, Steerforth!' + +Steerforth laughed heartily. + +'My dear young Davy,' he said, clapping me on the shoulder again, 'you +are a very Daisy. The daisy of the field, at sunrise, is not fresher +than you are. I have been at Covent Garden, too, and there never was a +more miserable business. Holloa, you sir!' + +This was addressed to the waiter, who had been very attentive to our +recognition, at a distance, and now came forward deferentially. + +'Where have you put my friend, Mr. Copperfield?' said Steerforth. + +'Beg your pardon, sir?' + +'Where does he sleep? What's his number? You know what I mean,' said +Steerforth. + +'Well, sir,' said the waiter, with an apologetic air. 'Mr. Copperfield +is at present in forty-four, sir.' + +'And what the devil do you mean,' retorted Steerforth, 'by putting Mr. +Copperfield into a little loft over a stable?' + +'Why, you see we wasn't aware, sir,' returned the waiter, still +apologetically, 'as Mr. Copperfield was anyways particular. We can give +Mr. Copperfield seventy-two, sir, if it would be preferred. Next you, +sir.' + +'Of course it would be preferred,' said Steerforth. 'And do it at once.' +The waiter immediately withdrew to make the exchange. Steerforth, very +much amused at my having been put into forty-four, laughed again, and +clapped me on the shoulder again, and invited me to breakfast with him +next morning at ten o'clock--an invitation I was only too proud and +happy to accept. It being now pretty late, we took our candles and went +upstairs, where we parted with friendly heartiness at his door, and +where I found my new room a great improvement on my old one, it not +being at all musty, and having an immense four-post bedstead in it, +which was quite a little landed estate. Here, among pillows enough for +six, I soon fell asleep in a blissful condition, and dreamed of ancient +Rome, Steerforth, and friendship, until the early morning coaches, +rumbling out of the archway underneath, made me dream of thunder and the +gods. + + + +CHAPTER 20. STEERFORTH'S HOME + + +When the chambermaid tapped at my door at eight o'clock, and informed +me that my shaving-water was outside, I felt severely the having no +occasion for it, and blushed in my bed. The suspicion that she laughed +too, when she said it, preyed upon my mind all the time I was dressing; +and gave me, I was conscious, a sneaking and guilty air when I passed +her on the staircase, as I was going down to breakfast. I was so +sensitively aware, indeed, of being younger than I could have wished, +that for some time I could not make up my mind to pass her at all, under +the ignoble circumstances of the case; but, hearing her there with +a broom, stood peeping out of window at King Charles on horseback, +surrounded by a maze of hackney-coaches, and looking anything but regal +in a drizzling rain and a dark-brown fog, until I was admonished by the +waiter that the gentleman was waiting for me. + +It was not in the coffee-room that I found Steerforth expecting me, but +in a snug private apartment, red-curtained and Turkey-carpeted, where +the fire burnt bright, and a fine hot breakfast was set forth on a table +covered with a clean cloth; and a cheerful miniature of the room, the +fire, the breakfast, Steerforth, and all, was shining in the little +round mirror over the sideboard. I was rather bashful at first, +Steerforth being so self-possessed, and elegant, and superior to me in +all respects (age included); but his easy patronage soon put that to +rights, and made me quite at home. I could not enough admire the change +he had wrought in the Golden Cross; or compare the dull forlorn state +I had held yesterday, with this morning's comfort and this morning's +entertainment. As to the waiter's familiarity, it was quenched as if it +had never been. He attended on us, as I may say, in sackcloth and ashes. + +'Now, Copperfield,' said Steerforth, when we were alone, 'I should like +to hear what you are doing, and where you are going, and all about you. +I feel as if you were my property.' Glowing with pleasure to find that +he had still this interest in me, I told him how my aunt had proposed +the little expedition that I had before me, and whither it tended. + +'As you are in no hurry, then,' said Steerforth, 'come home with me to +Highgate, and stay a day or two. You will be pleased with my mother--she +is a little vain and prosy about me, but that you can forgive her--and +she will be pleased with you.' + +'I should like to be as sure of that, as you are kind enough to say you +are,' I answered, smiling. + +'Oh!' said Steerforth, 'everyone who likes me, has a claim on her that +is sure to be acknowledged.' + +'Then I think I shall be a favourite,' said I. + +'Good!' said Steerforth. 'Come and prove it. We will go and see the +lions for an hour or two--it's something to have a fresh fellow like you +to show them to, Copperfield--and then we'll journey out to Highgate by +the coach.' + +I could hardly believe but that I was in a dream, and that I should wake +presently in number forty-four, to the solitary box in the coffee-room +and the familiar waiter again. After I had written to my aunt and told +her of my fortunate meeting with my admired old schoolfellow, and my +acceptance of his invitation, we went out in a hackney-chariot, and saw +a Panorama and some other sights, and took a walk through the Museum, +where I could not help observing how much Steerforth knew, on an +infinite variety of subjects, and of how little account he seemed to +make his knowledge. + +'You'll take a high degree at college, Steerforth,' said I, 'if you have +not done so already; and they will have good reason to be proud of you.' + +'I take a degree!' cried Steerforth. 'Not I! my dear Daisy--will you +mind my calling you Daisy?' + +'Not at all!' said I. + +'That's a good fellow! My dear Daisy,' said Steerforth, laughing. 'I +have not the least desire or intention to distinguish myself in that +way. I have done quite sufficient for my purpose. I find that I am heavy +company enough for myself as I am.' + +'But the fame--' I was beginning. + +'You romantic Daisy!' said Steerforth, laughing still more heartily: +'why should I trouble myself, that a parcel of heavy-headed fellows may +gape and hold up their hands? Let them do it at some other man. There's +fame for him, and he's welcome to it.' + +I was abashed at having made so great a mistake, and was glad to change +the subject. Fortunately it was not difficult to do, for Steerforth +could always pass from one subject to another with a carelessness and +lightness that were his own. + +Lunch succeeded to our sight-seeing, and the short winter day wore away +so fast, that it was dusk when the stage-coach stopped with us at an +old brick house at Highgate on the summit of the hill. An elderly lady, +though not very far advanced in years, with a proud carriage and +a handsome face, was in the doorway as we alighted; and greeting +Steerforth as 'My dearest James,' folded him in her arms. To this lady +he presented me as his mother, and she gave me a stately welcome. + +It was a genteel old-fashioned house, very quiet and orderly. From the +windows of my room I saw all London lying in the distance like a great +vapour, with here and there some lights twinkling through it. I had only +time, in dressing, to glance at the solid furniture, the framed pieces +of work (done, I supposed, by Steerforth's mother when she was a girl), +and some pictures in crayons of ladies with powdered hair and bodices, +coming and going on the walls, as the newly-kindled fire crackled and +sputtered, when I was called to dinner. + +There was a second lady in the dining-room, of a slight short figure, +dark, and not agreeable to look at, but with some appearance of good +looks too, who attracted my attention: perhaps because I had not +expected to see her; perhaps because I found myself sitting opposite +to her; perhaps because of something really remarkable in her. She had +black hair and eager black eyes, and was thin, and had a scar upon her +lip. It was an old scar--I should rather call it seam, for it was not +discoloured, and had healed years ago--which had once cut through her +mouth, downward towards the chin, but was now barely visible across +the table, except above and on her upper lip, the shape of which it had +altered. I concluded in my own mind that she was about thirty years +of age, and that she wished to be married. She was a little +dilapidated--like a house--with having been so long to let; yet had, as +I have said, an appearance of good looks. Her thinness seemed to be the +effect of some wasting fire within her, which found a vent in her gaunt +eyes. + +She was introduced as Miss Dartle, and both Steerforth and his mother +called her Rosa. I found that she lived there, and had been for a long +time Mrs. Steerforth's companion. It appeared to me that she never said +anything she wanted to say, outright; but hinted it, and made a great +deal more of it by this practice. For example, when Mrs. Steerforth +observed, more in jest than earnest, that she feared her son led but a +wild life at college, Miss Dartle put in thus: + +'Oh, really? You know how ignorant I am, and that I only ask for +information, but isn't it always so? I thought that kind of life was +on all hands understood to be--eh?' 'It is education for a very grave +profession, if you mean that, Rosa,' Mrs. Steerforth answered with some +coldness. + +'Oh! Yes! That's very true,' returned Miss Dartle. 'But isn't it, +though?--I want to be put right, if I am wrong--isn't it, really?' + +'Really what?' said Mrs. Steerforth. + +'Oh! You mean it's not!' returned Miss Dartle. 'Well, I'm very glad to +hear it! Now, I know what to do! That's the advantage of asking. I shall +never allow people to talk before me about wastefulness and profligacy, +and so forth, in connexion with that life, any more.' + +'And you will be right,' said Mrs. Steerforth. 'My son's tutor is a +conscientious gentleman; and if I had not implicit reliance on my son, I +should have reliance on him.' + +'Should you?' said Miss Dartle. 'Dear me! Conscientious, is he? Really +conscientious, now?' + +'Yes, I am convinced of it,' said Mrs. Steerforth. + +'How very nice!' exclaimed Miss Dartle. 'What a comfort! Really +conscientious? Then he's not--but of course he can't be, if he's really +conscientious. Well, I shall be quite happy in my opinion of him, from +this time. You can't think how it elevates him in my opinion, to know +for certain that he's really conscientious!' + +Her own views of every question, and her correction of everything that +was said to which she was opposed, Miss Dartle insinuated in the same +way: sometimes, I could not conceal from myself, with great power, +though in contradiction even of Steerforth. An instance happened before +dinner was done. Mrs. Steerforth speaking to me about my intention +of going down into Suffolk, I said at hazard how glad I should be, if +Steerforth would only go there with me; and explaining to him that I was +going to see my old nurse, and Mr. Peggotty's family, I reminded him of +the boatman whom he had seen at school. + +'Oh! That bluff fellow!' said Steerforth. 'He had a son with him, hadn't +he?' + +'No. That was his nephew,' I replied; 'whom he adopted, though, as +a son. He has a very pretty little niece too, whom he adopted as a +daughter. In short, his house--or rather his boat, for he lives in one, +on dry land--is full of people who are objects of his generosity and +kindness. You would be delighted to see that household.' + +'Should I?' said Steerforth. 'Well, I think I should. I must see what +can be done. It would be worth a journey (not to mention the pleasure of +a journey with you, Daisy), to see that sort of people together, and to +make one of 'em.' + +My heart leaped with a new hope of pleasure. But it was in reference +to the tone in which he had spoken of 'that sort of people', that Miss +Dartle, whose sparkling eyes had been watchful of us, now broke in +again. + +'Oh, but, really? Do tell me. Are they, though?' she said. + +'Are they what? And are who what?' said Steerforth. + +'That sort of people.---Are they really animals and clods, and beings of +another order? I want to know SO much.' + +'Why, there's a pretty wide separation between them and us,' said +Steerforth, with indifference. 'They are not to be expected to be +as sensitive as we are. Their delicacy is not to be shocked, or hurt +easily. They are wonderfully virtuous, I dare say--some people contend +for that, at least; and I am sure I don't want to contradict them--but +they have not very fine natures, and they may be thankful that, like +their coarse rough skins, they are not easily wounded.' + +'Really!' said Miss Dartle. 'Well, I don't know, now, when I have been +better pleased than to hear that. It's so consoling! It's such a delight +to know that, when they suffer, they don't feel! Sometimes I have been +quite uneasy for that sort of people; but now I shall just dismiss the +idea of them, altogether. Live and learn. I had my doubts, I confess, +but now they're cleared up. I didn't know, and now I do know, and that +shows the advantage of asking--don't it?' + +I believed that Steerforth had said what he had, in jest, or to draw +Miss Dartle out; and I expected him to say as much when she was gone, +and we two were sitting before the fire. But he merely asked me what I +thought of her. + +'She is very clever, is she not?' I asked. + +'Clever! She brings everything to a grindstone,' said Steerforth, and +sharpens it, as she has sharpened her own face and figure these years +past. She has worn herself away by constant sharpening. She is all +edge.' + +'What a remarkable scar that is upon her lip!' I said. + +Steerforth's face fell, and he paused a moment. + +'Why, the fact is,' he returned, 'I did that.' + +'By an unfortunate accident!' + +'No. I was a young boy, and she exasperated me, and I threw a hammer at +her. A promising young angel I must have been!' I was deeply sorry to +have touched on such a painful theme, but that was useless now. + +'She has borne the mark ever since, as you see,' said Steerforth; 'and +she'll bear it to her grave, if she ever rests in one--though I can +hardly believe she will ever rest anywhere. She was the motherless child +of a sort of cousin of my father's. He died one day. My mother, who was +then a widow, brought her here to be company to her. She has a couple of +thousand pounds of her own, and saves the interest of it every year, to +add to the principal. There's the history of Miss Rosa Dartle for you.' + +'And I have no doubt she loves you like a brother?' said I. + +'Humph!' retorted Steerforth, looking at the fire. 'Some brothers are +not loved over much; and some love--but help yourself, Copperfield! +We'll drink the daisies of the field, in compliment to you; and the +lilies of the valley that toil not, neither do they spin, in compliment +to me--the more shame for me!' A moody smile that had overspread his +features cleared off as he said this merrily, and he was his own frank, +winning self again. + +I could not help glancing at the scar with a painful interest when we +went in to tea. It was not long before I observed that it was the most +susceptible part of her face, and that, when she turned pale, that mark +altered first, and became a dull, lead-coloured streak, lengthening out +to its full extent, like a mark in invisible ink brought to the fire. +There was a little altercation between her and Steerforth about a cast +of the dice at back gammon--when I thought her, for one moment, in a +storm of rage; and then I saw it start forth like the old writing on the +wall. + +It was no matter of wonder to me to find Mrs. Steerforth devoted to her +son. She seemed to be able to speak or think about nothing else. She +showed me his picture as an infant, in a locket, with some of his +baby-hair in it; she showed me his picture as he had been when I first +knew him; and she wore at her breast his picture as he was now. All the +letters he had ever written to her, she kept in a cabinet near her own +chair by the fire; and she would have read me some of them, and I should +have been very glad to hear them too, if he had not interposed, and +coaxed her out of the design. + +'It was at Mr. Creakle's, my son tells me, that you first became +acquainted,' said Mrs. Steerforth, as she and I were talking at one +table, while they played backgammon at another. 'Indeed, I recollect his +speaking, at that time, of a pupil younger than himself who had taken +his fancy there; but your name, as you may suppose, has not lived in my +memory.' + +'He was very generous and noble to me in those days, I assure you, +ma'am,' said I, 'and I stood in need of such a friend. I should have +been quite crushed without him.' + +'He is always generous and noble,' said Mrs. Steerforth, proudly. + +I subscribed to this with all my heart, God knows. She knew I did; for +the stateliness of her manner already abated towards me, except when she +spoke in praise of him, and then her air was always lofty. + +'It was not a fit school generally for my son,' said she; 'far from it; +but there were particular circumstances to be considered at the time, of +more importance even than that selection. My son's high spirit made +it desirable that he should be placed with some man who felt its +superiority, and would be content to bow himself before it; and we found +such a man there.' + +I knew that, knowing the fellow. And yet I did not despise him the more +for it, but thought it a redeeming quality in him if he could be allowed +any grace for not resisting one so irresistible as Steerforth. + +'My son's great capacity was tempted on, there, by a feeling of +voluntary emulation and conscious pride,' the fond lady went on to say. +'He would have risen against all constraint; but he found himself the +monarch of the place, and he haughtily determined to be worthy of his +station. It was like himself.' + +I echoed, with all my heart and soul, that it was like himself. + +'So my son took, of his own will, and on no compulsion, to the course +in which he can always, when it is his pleasure, outstrip every +competitor,' she pursued. 'My son informs me, Mr. Copperfield, that +you were quite devoted to him, and that when you met yesterday you made +yourself known to him with tears of joy. I should be an affected woman +if I made any pretence of being surprised by my son's inspiring such +emotions; but I cannot be indifferent to anyone who is so sensible of +his merit, and I am very glad to see you here, and can assure you that +he feels an unusual friendship for you, and that you may rely on his +protection.' + +Miss Dartle played backgammon as eagerly as she did everything else. +If I had seen her, first, at the board, I should have fancied that her +figure had got thin, and her eyes had got large, over that pursuit, and +no other in the world. But I am very much mistaken if she missed a +word of this, or lost a look of mine as I received it with the utmost +pleasure, and honoured by Mrs. Steerforth's confidence, felt older than +I had done since I left Canterbury. + +When the evening was pretty far spent, and a tray of glasses and +decanters came in, Steerforth promised, over the fire, that he would +seriously think of going down into the country with me. There was no +hurry, he said; a week hence would do; and his mother hospitably said +the same. While we were talking, he more than once called me Daisy; +which brought Miss Dartle out again. + +'But really, Mr. Copperfield,' she asked, 'is it a nickname? And +why does he give it you? Is it--eh?--because he thinks you young and +innocent? I am so stupid in these things.' + +I coloured in replying that I believed it was. + +'Oh!' said Miss Dartle. 'Now I am glad to know that! I ask for +information, and I am glad to know it. He thinks you young and innocent; +and so you are his friend. Well, that's quite delightful!' + +She went to bed soon after this, and Mrs. Steerforth retired too. +Steerforth and I, after lingering for half-an-hour over the fire, +talking about Traddles and all the rest of them at old Salem House, went +upstairs together. Steerforth's room was next to mine, and I went in to +look at it. It was a picture of comfort, full of easy-chairs, cushions +and footstools, worked by his mother's hand, and with no sort of thing +omitted that could help to render it complete. Finally, her handsome +features looked down on her darling from a portrait on the wall, as if +it were even something to her that her likeness should watch him while +he slept. + +I found the fire burning clear enough in my room by this time, and the +curtains drawn before the windows and round the bed, giving it a very +snug appearance. I sat down in a great chair upon the hearth to meditate +on my happiness; and had enjoyed the contemplation of it for some time, +when I found a likeness of Miss Dartle looking eagerly at me from above +the chimney-piece. + +It was a startling likeness, and necessarily had a startling look. The +painter hadn't made the scar, but I made it; and there it was, coming +and going; now confined to the upper lip as I had seen it at dinner, and +now showing the whole extent of the wound inflicted by the hammer, as I +had seen it when she was passionate. + +I wondered peevishly why they couldn't put her anywhere else instead +of quartering her on me. To get rid of her, I undressed quickly, +extinguished my light, and went to bed. But, as I fell asleep, I could +not forget that she was still there looking, 'Is it really, though? +I want to know'; and when I awoke in the night, I found that I was +uneasily asking all sorts of people in my dreams whether it really was +or not--without knowing what I meant. + + + +CHAPTER 21. LITTLE EM'LY + + +There was a servant in that house, a man who, I understood, was usually +with Steerforth, and had come into his service at the University, who +was in appearance a pattern of respectability. I believe there never +existed in his station a more respectable-looking man. He was taciturn, +soft-footed, very quiet in his manner, deferential, observant, always at +hand when wanted, and never near when not wanted; but his great claim to +consideration was his respectability. He had not a pliant face, he had +rather a stiff neck, rather a tight smooth head with short hair clinging +to it at the sides, a soft way of speaking, with a peculiar habit of +whispering the letter S so distinctly, that he seemed to use it +oftener than any other man; but every peculiarity that he had he made +respectable. If his nose had been upside-down, he would have made that +respectable. He surrounded himself with an atmosphere of respectability, +and walked secure in it. It would have been next to impossible to +suspect him of anything wrong, he was so thoroughly respectable. +Nobody could have thought of putting him in a livery, he was so highly +respectable. To have imposed any derogatory work upon him, would have +been to inflict a wanton insult on the feelings of a most respectable +man. And of this, I noticed--the women-servants in the household were +so intuitively conscious, that they always did such work themselves, and +generally while he read the paper by the pantry fire. + +Such a self-contained man I never saw. But in that quality, as in every +other he possessed, he only seemed to be the more respectable. Even the +fact that no one knew his Christian name, seemed to form a part of his +respectability. Nothing could be objected against his surname, Littimer, +by which he was known. Peter might have been hanged, or Tom transported; +but Littimer was perfectly respectable. + +It was occasioned, I suppose, by the reverend nature of respectability +in the abstract, but I felt particularly young in this man's presence. +How old he was himself, I could not guess--and that again went to his +credit on the same score; for in the calmness of respectability he might +have numbered fifty years as well as thirty. + +Littimer was in my room in the morning before I was up, to bring me that +reproachful shaving-water, and to put out my clothes. When I undrew the +curtains and looked out of bed, I saw him, in an equable temperature +of respectability, unaffected by the east wind of January, and not +even breathing frostily, standing my boots right and left in the first +dancing position, and blowing specks of dust off my coat as he laid it +down like a baby. + +I gave him good morning, and asked him what o'clock it was. He took +out of his pocket the most respectable hunting-watch I ever saw, and +preventing the spring with his thumb from opening far, looked in at the +face as if he were consulting an oracular oyster, shut it up again, and +said, if I pleased, it was half past eight. + +'Mr. Steerforth will be glad to hear how you have rested, sir.' + +'Thank you,' said I, 'very well indeed. Is Mr. Steerforth quite well?' + +'Thank you, sir, Mr. Steerforth is tolerably well.' Another of his +characteristics--no use of superlatives. A cool calm medium always. + +'Is there anything more I can have the honour of doing for you, sir? The +warning-bell will ring at nine; the family take breakfast at half past +nine.' + +'Nothing, I thank you.' + +'I thank YOU, sir, if you please'; and with that, and with a little +inclination of his head when he passed the bed-side, as an apology for +correcting me, he went out, shutting the door as delicately as if I had +just fallen into a sweet sleep on which my life depended. + +Every morning we held exactly this conversation: never any more, and +never any less: and yet, invariably, however far I might have been +lifted out of myself over-night, and advanced towards maturer years, +by Steerforth's companionship, or Mrs. Steerforth's confidence, or Miss +Dartle's conversation, in the presence of this most respectable man I +became, as our smaller poets sing, 'a boy again'. + +He got horses for us; and Steerforth, who knew everything, gave me +lessons in riding. He provided foils for us, and Steerforth gave me +lessons in fencing--gloves, and I began, of the same master, to improve +in boxing. It gave me no manner of concern that Steerforth should find +me a novice in these sciences, but I never could bear to show my want of +skill before the respectable Littimer. I had no reason to believe +that Littimer understood such arts himself; he never led me to suppose +anything of the kind, by so much as the vibration of one of his +respectable eyelashes; yet whenever he was by, while we were practising, +I felt myself the greenest and most inexperienced of mortals. + +I am particular about this man, because he made a particular effect on +me at that time, and because of what took place thereafter. + +The week passed away in a most delightful manner. It passed rapidly, as +may be supposed, to one entranced as I was; and yet it gave me so many +occasions for knowing Steerforth better, and admiring him more in a +thousand respects, that at its close I seemed to have been with him +for a much longer time. A dashing way he had of treating me like a +plaything, was more agreeable to me than any behaviour he could have +adopted. It reminded me of our old acquaintance; it seemed the natural +sequel of it; it showed me that he was unchanged; it relieved me of +any uneasiness I might have felt, in comparing my merits with his, and +measuring my claims upon his friendship by any equal standard; above +all, it was a familiar, unrestrained, affectionate demeanour that he +used towards no one else. As he had treated me at school differently +from all the rest, I joyfully believed that he treated me in life unlike +any other friend he had. I believed that I was nearer to his heart than +any other friend, and my own heart warmed with attachment to him. He +made up his mind to go with me into the country, and the day arrived for +our departure. He had been doubtful at first whether to take Littimer +or not, but decided to leave him at home. The respectable creature, +satisfied with his lot whatever it was, arranged our portmanteaux on +the little carriage that was to take us into London, as if they were +intended to defy the shocks of ages, and received my modestly proffered +donation with perfect tranquillity. + +We bade adieu to Mrs. Steerforth and Miss Dartle, with many thanks on +my part, and much kindness on the devoted mother's. The last thing I +saw was Littimer's unruffled eye; fraught, as I fancied, with the silent +conviction that I was very young indeed. + +What I felt, in returning so auspiciously to the old familiar places, +I shall not endeavour to describe. We went down by the Mail. I was +so concerned, I recollect, even for the honour of Yarmouth, that when +Steerforth said, as we drove through its dark streets to the inn, that, +as well as he could make out, it was a good, queer, out-of-the-way kind +of hole, I was highly pleased. We went to bed on our arrival (I observed +a pair of dirty shoes and gaiters in connexion with my old friend the +Dolphin as we passed that door), and breakfasted late in the morning. +Steerforth, who was in great spirits, had been strolling about the +beach before I was up, and had made acquaintance, he said, with half the +boatmen in the place. Moreover, he had seen, in the distance, what he +was sure must be the identical house of Mr. Peggotty, with smoke coming +out of the chimney; and had had a great mind, he told me, to walk in and +swear he was myself grown out of knowledge. + +'When do you propose to introduce me there, Daisy?' he said. 'I am at +your disposal. Make your own arrangements.' + +'Why, I was thinking that this evening would be a good time, Steerforth, +when they are all sitting round the fire. I should like you to see it +when it's snug, it's such a curious place.' + +'So be it!' returned Steerforth. 'This evening.' + +'I shall not give them any notice that we are here, you know,' said I, +delighted. 'We must take them by surprise.' + +'Oh, of course! It's no fun,' said Steerforth, 'unless we take them by +surprise. Let us see the natives in their aboriginal condition.' + +'Though they ARE that sort of people that you mentioned,' I returned. + +'Aha! What! you recollect my skirmishes with Rosa, do you?' he exclaimed +with a quick look. 'Confound the girl, I am half afraid of her. She's +like a goblin to me. But never mind her. Now what are you going to do? +You are going to see your nurse, I suppose?' + +'Why, yes,' I said, 'I must see Peggotty first of all.' + +'Well,' replied Steerforth, looking at his watch. 'Suppose I deliver you +up to be cried over for a couple of hours. Is that long enough?' + +I answered, laughing, that I thought we might get through it in that +time, but that he must come also; for he would find that his renown had +preceded him, and that he was almost as great a personage as I was. + +'I'll come anywhere you like,' said Steerforth, 'or do anything you +like. Tell me where to come to; and in two hours I'll produce myself in +any state you please, sentimental or comical.' + +I gave him minute directions for finding the residence of Mr. Barkis, +carrier to Blunderstone and elsewhere; and, on this understanding, went +out alone. There was a sharp bracing air; the ground was dry; the sea +was crisp and clear; the sun was diffusing abundance of light, if not +much warmth; and everything was fresh and lively. I was so fresh and +lively myself, in the pleasure of being there, that I could have stopped +the people in the streets and shaken hands with them. + +The streets looked small, of course. The streets that we have only seen +as children always do, I believe, when we go back to them. But I had +forgotten nothing in them, and found nothing changed, until I came to +Mr. Omer's shop. OMER AND Joram was now written up, where OMER used to +be; but the inscription, DRAPER, TAILOR, HABERDASHER, FUNERAL FURNISHER, +&c., remained as it was. + +My footsteps seemed to tend so naturally to the shop door, after I had +read these words from over the way, that I went across the road and +looked in. There was a pretty woman at the back of the shop, dancing +a little child in her arms, while another little fellow clung to her +apron. I had no difficulty in recognizing either Minnie or Minnie's +children. The glass door of the parlour was not open; but in the +workshop across the yard I could faintly hear the old tune playing, as +if it had never left off. + +'Is Mr. Omer at home?' said I, entering. 'I should like to see him, for +a moment, if he is.' + +'Oh yes, sir, he is at home,' said Minnie; 'the weather don't suit his +asthma out of doors. Joe, call your grandfather!' + +The little fellow, who was holding her apron, gave such a lusty shout, +that the sound of it made him bashful, and he buried his face in her +skirts, to her great admiration. I heard a heavy puffing and blowing +coming towards us, and soon Mr. Omer, shorter-winded than of yore, but +not much older-looking, stood before me. + +'Servant, sir,' said Mr. Omer. 'What can I do for you, sir?' 'You can +shake hands with me, Mr. Omer, if you please,' said I, putting out my +own. 'You were very good-natured to me once, when I am afraid I didn't +show that I thought so.' + +'Was I though?' returned the old man. 'I'm glad to hear it, but I don't +remember when. Are you sure it was me?' + +'Quite.' + +'I think my memory has got as short as my breath,' said Mr. Omer, +looking at me and shaking his head; 'for I don't remember you.' + +'Don't you remember your coming to the coach to meet me, and my having +breakfast here, and our riding out to Blunderstone together: you, and I, +and Mrs. Joram, and Mr. Joram too--who wasn't her husband then?' + +'Why, Lord bless my soul!' exclaimed Mr. Omer, after being thrown by his +surprise into a fit of coughing, 'you don't say so! Minnie, my dear, you +recollect? Dear me, yes; the party was a lady, I think?' + +'My mother,' I rejoined. + +'To--be--sure,' said Mr. Omer, touching my waistcoat with his +forefinger, 'and there was a little child too! There was two parties. +The little party was laid along with the other party. Over at +Blunderstone it was, of course. Dear me! And how have you been since?' + +Very well, I thanked him, as I hoped he had been too. + +'Oh! nothing to grumble at, you know,' said Mr. Omer. 'I find my breath +gets short, but it seldom gets longer as a man gets older. I take it as +it comes, and make the most of it. That's the best way, ain't it?' + +Mr. Omer coughed again, in consequence of laughing, and was assisted out +of his fit by his daughter, who now stood close beside us, dancing her +smallest child on the counter. + +'Dear me!' said Mr. Omer. 'Yes, to be sure. Two parties! Why, in that +very ride, if you'll believe me, the day was named for my Minnie to +marry Joram. "Do name it, sir," says Joram. "Yes, do, father," says +Minnie. And now he's come into the business. And look here! The +youngest!' + +Minnie laughed, and stroked her banded hair upon her temples, as her +father put one of his fat fingers into the hand of the child she was +dancing on the counter. + +'Two parties, of course!' said Mr. Omer, nodding his head +retrospectively. 'Ex-actly so! And Joram's at work, at this minute, on +a grey one with silver nails, not this measurement'--the measurement of +the dancing child upon the counter--'by a good two inches.---Will you +take something?' + +I thanked him, but declined. + +'Let me see,' said Mr. Omer. 'Barkis's the carrier's wife--Peggotty's +the boatman's sister--she had something to do with your family? She was +in service there, sure?' + +My answering in the affirmative gave him great satisfaction. + +'I believe my breath will get long next, my memory's getting so much +so,' said Mr. Omer. 'Well, sir, we've got a young relation of hers here, +under articles to us, that has as elegant a taste in the dress-making +business--I assure you I don't believe there's a Duchess in England can +touch her.' + +'Not little Em'ly?' said I, involuntarily. + +'Em'ly's her name,' said Mr. Omer, 'and she's little too. But if you'll +believe me, she has such a face of her own that half the women in this +town are mad against her.' + +'Nonsense, father!' cried Minnie. + +'My dear,' said Mr. Omer, 'I don't say it's the case with you,' winking +at me, 'but I say that half the women in Yarmouth--ah! and in five mile +round--are mad against that girl.' + +'Then she should have kept to her own station in life, father,' said +Minnie, 'and not have given them any hold to talk about her, and then +they couldn't have done it.' + +'Couldn't have done it, my dear!' retorted Mr. Omer. 'Couldn't have +done it! Is that YOUR knowledge of life? What is there that any woman +couldn't do, that she shouldn't do--especially on the subject of another +woman's good looks?' + +I really thought it was all over with Mr. Omer, after he had uttered +this libellous pleasantry. He coughed to that extent, and his breath +eluded all his attempts to recover it with that obstinacy, that I fully +expected to see his head go down behind the counter, and his little +black breeches, with the rusty little bunches of ribbons at the knees, +come quivering up in a last ineffectual struggle. At length, however, +he got better, though he still panted hard, and was so exhausted that he +was obliged to sit on the stool of the shop-desk. + +'You see,' he said, wiping his head, and breathing with difficulty, 'she +hasn't taken much to any companions here; she hasn't taken kindly to +any particular acquaintances and friends, not to mention sweethearts. In +consequence, an ill-natured story got about, that Em'ly wanted to be a +lady. Now my opinion is, that it came into circulation principally on +account of her sometimes saying, at the school, that if she was a lady +she would like to do so-and-so for her uncle--don't you see?--and buy +him such-and-such fine things.' + +'I assure you, Mr. Omer, she has said so to me,' I returned eagerly, +'when we were both children.' + +Mr. Omer nodded his head and rubbed his chin. 'Just so. Then out of a +very little, she could dress herself, you see, better than most others +could out of a deal, and that made things unpleasant. Moreover, she was +rather what might be called wayward--I'll go so far as to say what I +should call wayward myself,' said Mr. Omer; '--didn't know her own mind +quite--a little spoiled--and couldn't, at first, exactly bind herself +down. No more than that was ever said against her, Minnie?' + +'No, father,' said Mrs. Joram. 'That's the worst, I believe.' + +'So when she got a situation,' said Mr. Omer, 'to keep a fractious old +lady company, they didn't very well agree, and she didn't stop. At last +she came here, apprenticed for three years. Nearly two of 'em are over, +and she has been as good a girl as ever was. Worth any six! Minnie, is +she worth any six, now?' + +'Yes, father,' replied Minnie. 'Never say I detracted from her!' + +'Very good,' said Mr. Omer. 'That's right. And so, young gentleman,' he +added, after a few moments' further rubbing of his chin, 'that you may +not consider me long-winded as well as short-breathed, I believe that's +all about it.' + +As they had spoken in a subdued tone, while speaking of Em'ly, I had no +doubt that she was near. On my asking now, if that were not so, Mr. +Omer nodded yes, and nodded towards the door of the parlour. My hurried +inquiry if I might peep in, was answered with a free permission; and, +looking through the glass, I saw her sitting at her work. I saw her, a +most beautiful little creature, with the cloudless blue eyes, that had +looked into my childish heart, turned laughingly upon another child +of Minnie's who was playing near her; with enough of wilfulness in her +bright face to justify what I had heard; with much of the old capricious +coyness lurking in it; but with nothing in her pretty looks, I am sure, +but what was meant for goodness and for happiness, and what was on a +good and happy course. + +The tune across the yard that seemed as if it never had left off--alas! +it was the tune that never DOES leave off--was beating, softly, all the +while. + +'Wouldn't you like to step in,' said Mr. Omer, 'and speak to her? Walk +in and speak to her, sir! Make yourself at home!' + +I was too bashful to do so then--I was afraid of confusing her, and I +was no less afraid of confusing myself.--but I informed myself of the +hour at which she left of an evening, in order that our visit might +be timed accordingly; and taking leave of Mr. Omer, and his pretty +daughter, and her little children, went away to my dear old Peggotty's. + +Here she was, in the tiled kitchen, cooking dinner! The moment I knocked +at the door she opened it, and asked me what I pleased to want. I looked +at her with a smile, but she gave me no smile in return. I had never +ceased to write to her, but it must have been seven years since we had +met. + +'Is Mr. Barkis at home, ma'am?' I said, feigning to speak roughly to +her. + +'He's at home, sir,' returned Peggotty, 'but he's bad abed with the +rheumatics.' + +'Don't he go over to Blunderstone now?' I asked. + +'When he's well he do,' she answered. + +'Do YOU ever go there, Mrs. Barkis?' + +She looked at me more attentively, and I noticed a quick movement of her +hands towards each other. + +'Because I want to ask a question about a house there, that they call +the--what is it?--the Rookery,' said I. + +She took a step backward, and put out her hands in an undecided +frightened way, as if to keep me off. + +'Peggotty!' I cried to her. + +She cried, 'My darling boy!' and we both burst into tears, and were +locked in one another's arms. + +What extravagances she committed; what laughing and crying over me; what +pride she showed, what joy, what sorrow that she whose pride and joy I +might have been, could never hold me in a fond embrace; I have not the +heart to tell. I was troubled with no misgiving that it was young in +me to respond to her emotions. I had never laughed and cried in all my +life, I dare say--not even to her--more freely than I did that morning. + +'Barkis will be so glad,' said Peggotty, wiping her eyes with her apron, +'that it'll do him more good than pints of liniment. May I go and tell +him you are here? Will you come up and see him, my dear?' + +Of course I would. But Peggotty could not get out of the room as easily +as she meant to, for as often as she got to the door and looked round +at me, she came back again to have another laugh and another cry upon my +shoulder. At last, to make the matter easier, I went upstairs with +her; and having waited outside for a minute, while she said a word of +preparation to Mr. Barkis, presented myself before that invalid. + +He received me with absolute enthusiasm. He was too rheumatic to be +shaken hands with, but he begged me to shake the tassel on the top of +his nightcap, which I did most cordially. When I sat down by the side +of the bed, he said that it did him a world of good to feel as if he +was driving me on the Blunderstone road again. As he lay in bed, face +upward, and so covered, with that exception, that he seemed to be +nothing but a face--like a conventional cherubim--he looked the queerest +object I ever beheld. + +'What name was it, as I wrote up in the cart, sir?' said Mr. Barkis, +with a slow rheumatic smile. + +'Ah! Mr. Barkis, we had some grave talks about that matter, hadn't we?' + +'I was willin' a long time, sir?' said Mr. Barkis. + +'A long time,' said I. + +'And I don't regret it,' said Mr. Barkis. 'Do you remember what you +told me once, about her making all the apple parsties and doing all the +cooking?' + +'Yes, very well,' I returned. + +'It was as true,' said Mr. Barkis, 'as turnips is. It was as true,' said +Mr. Barkis, nodding his nightcap, which was his only means of emphasis, +'as taxes is. And nothing's truer than them.' + +Mr. Barkis turned his eyes upon me, as if for my assent to this result +of his reflections in bed; and I gave it. + +'Nothing's truer than them,' repeated Mr. Barkis; 'a man as poor as I +am, finds that out in his mind when he's laid up. I'm a very poor man, +sir!' + +'I am sorry to hear it, Mr. Barkis.' + +'A very poor man, indeed I am,' said Mr. Barkis. + +Here his right hand came slowly and feebly from under the bedclothes, +and with a purposeless uncertain grasp took hold of a stick which was +loosely tied to the side of the bed. After some poking about with +this instrument, in the course of which his face assumed a variety of +distracted expressions, Mr. Barkis poked it against a box, an end +of which had been visible to me all the time. Then his face became +composed. + +'Old clothes,' said Mr. Barkis. + +'Oh!' said I. + +'I wish it was Money, sir,' said Mr. Barkis. + +'I wish it was, indeed,' said I. + +'But it AIN'T,' said Mr. Barkis, opening both his eyes as wide as he +possibly could. + +I expressed myself quite sure of that, and Mr. Barkis, turning his eyes +more gently to his wife, said: + +'She's the usefullest and best of women, C. P. Barkis. All the praise +that anyone can give to C. P. Barkis, she deserves, and more! My dear, +you'll get a dinner today, for company; something good to eat and drink, +will you?' + +I should have protested against this unnecessary demonstration in +my honour, but that I saw Peggotty, on the opposite side of the bed, +extremely anxious I should not. So I held my peace. + +'I have got a trifle of money somewhere about me, my dear,' said Mr. +Barkis, 'but I'm a little tired. If you and Mr. David will leave me for +a short nap, I'll try and find it when I wake.' + +We left the room, in compliance with this request. When we got outside +the door, Peggotty informed me that Mr. Barkis, being now 'a little +nearer' than he used to be, always resorted to this same device before +producing a single coin from his store; and that he endured unheard-of +agonies in crawling out of bed alone, and taking it from that unlucky +box. In effect, we presently heard him uttering suppressed groans of the +most dismal nature, as this magpie proceeding racked him in every joint; +but while Peggotty's eyes were full of compassion for him, she said his +generous impulse would do him good, and it was better not to check it. +So he groaned on, until he had got into bed again, suffering, I have no +doubt, a martyrdom; and then called us in, pretending to have just +woke up from a refreshing sleep, and to produce a guinea from under his +pillow. His satisfaction in which happy imposition on us, and in +having preserved the impenetrable secret of the box, appeared to be a +sufficient compensation to him for all his tortures. + +I prepared Peggotty for Steerforth's arrival and it was not long before +he came. I am persuaded she knew no difference between his having been a +personal benefactor of hers, and a kind friend to me, and that she would +have received him with the utmost gratitude and devotion in any case. +But his easy, spirited good humour; his genial manner, his handsome +looks, his natural gift of adapting himself to whomsoever he pleased, +and making direct, when he cared to do it, to the main point of interest +in anybody's heart; bound her to him wholly in five minutes. His +manner to me, alone, would have won her. But, through all these causes +combined, I sincerely believe she had a kind of adoration for him before +he left the house that night. + +He stayed there with me to dinner--if I were to say willingly, I should +not half express how readily and gaily. He went into Mr. Barkis's room +like light and air, brightening and refreshing it as if he were healthy +weather. There was no noise, no effort, no consciousness, in anything +he did; but in everything an indescribable lightness, a seeming +impossibility of doing anything else, or doing anything better, which +was so graceful, so natural, and agreeable, that it overcomes me, even +now, in the remembrance. + +We made merry in the little parlour, where the Book of Martyrs, +unthumbed since my time, was laid out upon the desk as of old, and where +I now turned over its terrific pictures, remembering the old sensations +they had awakened, but not feeling them. When Peggotty spoke of what +she called my room, and of its being ready for me at night, and of her +hoping I would occupy it, before I could so much as look at Steerforth, +hesitating, he was possessed of the whole case. + +'Of course,' he said. 'You'll sleep here, while we stay, and I shall +sleep at the hotel.' + +'But to bring you so far,' I returned, 'and to separate, seems bad +companionship, Steerforth.' + +'Why, in the name of Heaven, where do you naturally belong?' he said. +'What is "seems", compared to that?' It was settled at once. + +He maintained all his delightful qualities to the last, until we started +forth, at eight o'clock, for Mr. Peggotty's boat. Indeed, they were more +and more brightly exhibited as the hours went on; for I thought even +then, and I have no doubt now, that the consciousness of success in his +determination to please, inspired him with a new delicacy of perception, +and made it, subtle as it was, more easy to him. If anyone had told me, +then, that all this was a brilliant game, played for the excitement of +the moment, for the employment of high spirits, in the thoughtless love +of superiority, in a mere wasteful careless course of winning what was +worthless to him, and next minute thrown away--I say, if anyone had told +me such a lie that night, I wonder in what manner of receiving it my +indignation would have found a vent! Probably only in an increase, had +that been possible, of the romantic feelings of fidelity and friendship +with which I walked beside him, over the dark wintry sands towards the +old boat; the wind sighing around us even more mournfully, than it had +sighed and moaned upon the night when I first darkened Mr. Peggotty's +door. + +'This is a wild kind of place, Steerforth, is it not?' + +'Dismal enough in the dark,' he said: 'and the sea roars as if it were +hungry for us. Is that the boat, where I see a light yonder?' 'That's +the boat,' said I. + +'And it's the same I saw this morning,' he returned. 'I came straight to +it, by instinct, I suppose.' + +We said no more as we approached the light, but made softly for the +door. I laid my hand upon the latch; and whispering Steerforth to keep +close to me, went in. + +A murmur of voices had been audible on the outside, and, at the +moment of our entrance, a clapping of hands: which latter noise, I +was surprised to see, proceeded from the generally disconsolate Mrs. +Gummidge. But Mrs. Gummidge was not the only person there who was +unusually excited. Mr. Peggotty, his face lighted up with uncommon +satisfaction, and laughing with all his might, held his rough arms +wide open, as if for little Em'ly to run into them; Ham, with a mixed +expression in his face of admiration, exultation, and a lumbering sort +of bashfulness that sat upon him very well, held little Em'ly by +the hand, as if he were presenting her to Mr. Peggotty; little Em'ly +herself, blushing and shy, but delighted with Mr. Peggotty's delight, as +her joyous eyes expressed, was stopped by our entrance (for she saw us +first) in the very act of springing from Ham to nestle in Mr. Peggotty's +embrace. In the first glimpse we had of them all, and at the moment of +our passing from the dark cold night into the warm light room, this +was the way in which they were all employed: Mrs. Gummidge in the +background, clapping her hands like a madwoman. + +The little picture was so instantaneously dissolved by our going in, +that one might have doubted whether it had ever been. I was in the midst +of the astonished family, face to face with Mr. Peggotty, and holding +out my hand to him, when Ham shouted: + +'Mas'r Davy! It's Mas'r Davy!' + +In a moment we were all shaking hands with one another, and asking one +another how we did, and telling one another how glad we were to meet, +and all talking at once. Mr. Peggotty was so proud and overjoyed to see +us, that he did not know what to say or do, but kept over and over again +shaking hands with me, and then with Steerforth, and then with me, and +then ruffling his shaggy hair all over his head, and laughing with such +glee and triumph, that it was a treat to see him. + +'Why, that you two gent'lmen--gent'lmen growed--should come to this here +roof tonight, of all nights in my life,' said Mr. Peggotty, 'is such a +thing as never happened afore, I do rightly believe! Em'ly, my darling, +come here! Come here, my little witch! There's Mas'r Davy's friend, my +dear! There's the gent'lman as you've heerd on, Em'ly. He comes to see +you, along with Mas'r Davy, on the brightest night of your uncle's life +as ever was or will be, Gorm the t'other one, and horroar for it!' + +After delivering this speech all in a breath, and with extraordinary +animation and pleasure, Mr. Peggotty put one of his large hands +rapturously on each side of his niece's face, and kissing it a dozen +times, laid it with a gentle pride and love upon his broad chest, and +patted it as if his hand had been a lady's. Then he let her go; and as +she ran into the little chamber where I used to sleep, looked round upon +us, quite hot and out of breath with his uncommon satisfaction. + +'If you two gent'lmen--gent'lmen growed now, and such gent'lmen--' said +Mr. Peggotty. + +'So th' are, so th' are!' cried Ham. 'Well said! So th' are. Mas'r Davy +bor'--gent'lmen growed--so th' are!' + +'If you two gent'lmen, gent'lmen growed,' said Mr. Peggotty, 'don't +ex-cuse me for being in a state of mind, when you understand matters, +I'll arks your pardon. Em'ly, my dear!--She knows I'm a going to tell,' +here his delight broke out again, 'and has made off. Would you be so +good as look arter her, Mawther, for a minute?' + +Mrs. Gummidge nodded and disappeared. + +'If this ain't,' said Mr. Peggotty, sitting down among us by the fire, +'the brightest night o' my life, I'm a shellfish--biled too--and more I +can't say. This here little Em'ly, sir,' in a low voice to Steerforth, +'--her as you see a blushing here just now--' + +Steerforth only nodded; but with such a pleased expression of interest, +and of participation in Mr. Peggotty's feelings, that the latter +answered him as if he had spoken. + +'To be sure,' said Mr. Peggotty. 'That's her, and so she is. Thankee, +sir.' + +Ham nodded to me several times, as if he would have said so too. + +'This here little Em'ly of ours,' said Mr. Peggotty, 'has been, in our +house, what I suppose (I'm a ignorant man, but that's my belief) no one +but a little bright-eyed creetur can be in a house. She ain't my +child; I never had one; but I couldn't love her more. You understand! I +couldn't do it!' + +'I quite understand,' said Steerforth. + +'I know you do, sir,' returned Mr. Peggotty, 'and thankee again. Mas'r +Davy, he can remember what she was; you may judge for your own self what +she is; but neither of you can't fully know what she has been, is, and +will be, to my loving art. I am rough, sir,' said Mr. Peggotty, 'I am as +rough as a Sea Porkypine; but no one, unless, mayhap, it is a woman, can +know, I think, what our little Em'ly is to me. And betwixt ourselves,' +sinking his voice lower yet, 'that woman's name ain't Missis Gummidge +neither, though she has a world of merits.' Mr. Peggotty ruffled his +hair again, with both hands, as a further preparation for what he was +going to say, and went on, with a hand upon each of his knees: + +'There was a certain person as had know'd our Em'ly, from the time when +her father was drownded; as had seen her constant; when a babby, when +a young gal, when a woman. Not much of a person to look at, he warn't,' +said Mr. Peggotty, 'something o' my own build--rough--a good deal o' +the sou'-wester in him--wery salt--but, on the whole, a honest sort of a +chap, with his art in the right place.' + +I thought I had never seen Ham grin to anything like the extent to which +he sat grinning at us now. + +'What does this here blessed tarpaulin go and do,' said Mr. Peggotty, +with his face one high noon of enjoyment, 'but he loses that there art +of his to our little Em'ly. He follers her about, he makes hisself a +sort o' servant to her, he loses in a great measure his relish for his +wittles, and in the long-run he makes it clear to me wot's amiss. Now I +could wish myself, you see, that our little Em'ly was in a fair way of +being married. I could wish to see her, at all ewents, under articles to +a honest man as had a right to defend her. I don't know how long I may +live, or how soon I may die; but I know that if I was capsized, any +night, in a gale of wind in Yarmouth Roads here, and was to see the +town-lights shining for the last time over the rollers as I couldn't +make no head against, I could go down quieter for thinking "There's a +man ashore there, iron-true to my little Em'ly, God bless her, and no +wrong can touch my Em'ly while so be as that man lives."' + +Mr. Peggotty, in simple earnestness, waved his right arm, as if he were +waving it at the town-lights for the last time, and then, exchanging a +nod with Ham, whose eye he caught, proceeded as before. + +'Well! I counsels him to speak to Em'ly. He's big enough, but he's +bashfuller than a little un, and he don't like. So I speak. "What! Him!" +says Em'ly. "Him that I've know'd so intimate so many years, and like so +much. Oh, Uncle! I never can have him. He's such a good fellow!" I gives +her a kiss, and I says no more to her than, "My dear, you're right to +speak out, you're to choose for yourself, you're as free as a little +bird." Then I aways to him, and I says, "I wish it could have been so, +but it can't. But you can both be as you was, and wot I say to you is, +Be as you was with her, like a man." He says to me, a-shaking of my +hand, "I will!" he says. And he was--honourable and manful--for two year +going on, and we was just the same at home here as afore.' + +Mr. Peggotty's face, which had varied in its expression with the various +stages of his narrative, now resumed all its former triumphant delight, +as he laid a hand upon my knee and a hand upon Steerforth's (previously +wetting them both, for the greater emphasis of the action), and divided +the following speech between us: + +'All of a sudden, one evening--as it might be tonight--comes little +Em'ly from her work, and him with her! There ain't so much in that, +you'll say. No, because he takes care on her, like a brother, arter +dark, and indeed afore dark, and at all times. But this tarpaulin chap, +he takes hold of her hand, and he cries out to me, joyful, "Look here! +This is to be my little wife!" And she says, half bold and half shy, and +half a laughing and half a crying, "Yes, Uncle! If you please."--If I +please!' cried Mr. Peggotty, rolling his head in an ecstasy at the idea; +'Lord, as if I should do anythink else!--"If you please, I am steadier +now, and I have thought better of it, and I'll be as good a little wife +as I can to him, for he's a dear, good fellow!" Then Missis Gummidge, +she claps her hands like a play, and you come in. Theer! the murder's +out!' said Mr. Peggotty--'You come in! It took place this here present +hour; and here's the man that'll marry her, the minute she's out of her +time.' + +Ham staggered, as well he might, under the blow Mr. Peggotty dealt +him in his unbounded joy, as a mark of confidence and friendship; but +feeling called upon to say something to us, he said, with much faltering +and great difficulty: + +'She warn't no higher than you was, Mas'r Davy--when you first +come--when I thought what she'd grow up to be. I see her grown +up--gent'lmen--like a flower. I'd lay down my life for +her--Mas'r Davy--Oh! most content and cheerful! She's more to +me--gent'lmen--than--she's all to me that ever I can want, and more +than ever I--than ever I could say. I--I love her true. There ain't a +gent'lman in all the land--nor yet sailing upon all the sea--that +can love his lady more than I love her, though there's many a common +man--would say better--what he meant.' + +I thought it affecting to see such a sturdy fellow as Ham was now, +trembling in the strength of what he felt for the pretty little creature +who had won his heart. I thought the simple confidence reposed in us by +Mr. Peggotty and by himself, was, in itself, affecting. I was affected +by the story altogether. How far my emotions were influenced by the +recollections of my childhood, I don't know. Whether I had come there +with any lingering fancy that I was still to love little Em'ly, I don't +know. I know that I was filled with pleasure by all this; but, at first, +with an indescribably sensitive pleasure, that a very little would have +changed to pain. + +Therefore, if it had depended upon me to touch the prevailing chord +among them with any skill, I should have made a poor hand of it. But it +depended upon Steerforth; and he did it with such address, that in a few +minutes we were all as easy and as happy as it was possible to be. + +'Mr. Peggotty,' he said, 'you are a thoroughly good fellow, and deserve +to be as happy as you are tonight. My hand upon it! Ham, I give you +joy, my boy. My hand upon that, too! Daisy, stir the fire, and make it a +brisk one! and Mr. Peggotty, unless you can induce your gentle niece to +come back (for whom I vacate this seat in the corner), I shall go. +Any gap at your fireside on such a night--such a gap least of all--I +wouldn't make, for the wealth of the Indies!' + +So Mr. Peggotty went into my old room to fetch little Em'ly. At first +little Em'ly didn't like to come, and then Ham went. Presently they +brought her to the fireside, very much confused, and very shy,--but +she soon became more assured when she found how gently and respectfully +Steerforth spoke to her; how skilfully he avoided anything that would +embarrass her; how he talked to Mr. Peggotty of boats, and ships, and +tides, and fish; how he referred to me about the time when he had seen +Mr. Peggotty at Salem House; how delighted he was with the boat and all +belonging to it; how lightly and easily he carried on, until he brought +us, by degrees, into a charmed circle, and we were all talking away +without any reserve. + +Em'ly, indeed, said little all the evening; but she looked, and +listened, and her face got animated, and she was charming. Steerforth +told a story of a dismal shipwreck (which arose out of his talk with Mr. +Peggotty), as if he saw it all before him--and little Em'ly's eyes were +fastened on him all the time, as if she saw it too. He told us a merry +adventure of his own, as a relief to that, with as much gaiety as if the +narrative were as fresh to him as it was to us--and little Em'ly +laughed until the boat rang with the musical sounds, and we all laughed +(Steerforth too), in irresistible sympathy with what was so pleasant and +light-hearted. He got Mr. Peggotty to sing, or rather to roar, 'When +the stormy winds do blow, do blow, do blow'; and he sang a sailor's +song himself, so pathetically and beautifully, that I could have almost +fancied that the real wind creeping sorrowfully round the house, and +murmuring low through our unbroken silence, was there to listen. + +As to Mrs. Gummidge, he roused that victim of despondency with a success +never attained by anyone else (so Mr. Peggotty informed me), since +the decease of the old one. He left her so little leisure for being +miserable, that she said next day she thought she must have been +bewitched. + +But he set up no monopoly of the general attention, or the conversation. +When little Em'ly grew more courageous, and talked (but still bashfully) +across the fire to me, of our old wanderings upon the beach, to pick up +shells and pebbles; and when I asked her if she recollected how I used +to be devoted to her; and when we both laughed and reddened, casting +these looks back on the pleasant old times, so unreal to look at now; he +was silent and attentive, and observed us thoughtfully. She sat, at this +time, and all the evening, on the old locker in her old little corner +by the fire--Ham beside her, where I used to sit. I could not satisfy +myself whether it was in her own little tormenting way, or in a maidenly +reserve before us, that she kept quite close to the wall, and away from +him; but I observed that she did so, all the evening. + +As I remember, it was almost midnight when we took our leave. We had had +some biscuit and dried fish for supper, and Steerforth had produced from +his pocket a full flask of Hollands, which we men (I may say we men, +now, without a blush) had emptied. We parted merrily; and as they all +stood crowded round the door to light us as far as they could upon our +road, I saw the sweet blue eyes of little Em'ly peeping after us, from +behind Ham, and heard her soft voice calling to us to be careful how we +went. + +'A most engaging little Beauty!' said Steerforth, taking my arm. 'Well! +It's a quaint place, and they are quaint company, and it's quite a new +sensation to mix with them.' + +'How fortunate we are, too,' I returned, 'to have arrived to witness +their happiness in that intended marriage! I never saw people so happy. +How delightful to see it, and to be made the sharers in their honest +joy, as we have been!' + +'That's rather a chuckle-headed fellow for the girl; isn't he?' said +Steerforth. + +He had been so hearty with him, and with them all, that I felt a shock +in this unexpected and cold reply. But turning quickly upon him, and +seeing a laugh in his eyes, I answered, much relieved: + +'Ah, Steerforth! It's well for you to joke about the poor! You may +skirmish with Miss Dartle, or try to hide your sympathies in jest from +me, but I know better. When I see how perfectly you understand them, how +exquisitely you can enter into happiness like this plain fisherman's, +or humour a love like my old nurse's, I know that there is not a joy or +sorrow, not an emotion, of such people, that can be indifferent to you. +And I admire and love you for it, Steerforth, twenty times the more!' + +He stopped, and, looking in my face, said, 'Daisy, I believe you are +in earnest, and are good. I wish we all were!' Next moment he was +gaily singing Mr. Peggotty's song, as we walked at a round pace back to +Yarmouth. + + + +CHAPTER 22. SOME OLD SCENES, AND SOME NEW PEOPLE + + +Steerforth and I stayed for more than a fortnight in that part of the +country. We were very much together, I need not say; but occasionally we +were asunder for some hours at a time. He was a good sailor, and I was +but an indifferent one; and when he went out boating with Mr. Peggotty, +which was a favourite amusement of his, I generally remained ashore. My +occupation of Peggotty's spare-room put a constraint upon me, from which +he was free: for, knowing how assiduously she attended on Mr. Barkis +all day, I did not like to remain out late at night; whereas Steerforth, +lying at the Inn, had nothing to consult but his own humour. Thus it +came about, that I heard of his making little treats for the fishermen +at Mr. Peggotty's house of call, 'The Willing Mind', after I was in bed, +and of his being afloat, wrapped in fishermen's clothes, whole moonlight +nights, and coming back when the morning tide was at flood. By this +time, however, I knew that his restless nature and bold spirits +delighted to find a vent in rough toil and hard weather, as in any other +means of excitement that presented itself freshly to him; so none of his +proceedings surprised me. + +Another cause of our being sometimes apart, was, that I had naturally an +interest in going over to Blunderstone, and revisiting the old familiar +scenes of my childhood; while Steerforth, after being there once, had +naturally no great interest in going there again. Hence, on three or +four days that I can at once recall, we went our several ways after an +early breakfast, and met again at a late dinner. I had no idea how he +employed his time in the interval, beyond a general knowledge that +he was very popular in the place, and had twenty means of actively +diverting himself where another man might not have found one. + +For my own part, my occupation in my solitary pilgrimages was to recall +every yard of the old road as I went along it, and to haunt the old +spots, of which I never tired. I haunted them, as my memory had often +done, and lingered among them as my younger thoughts had lingered when I +was far away. The grave beneath the tree, where both my parents lay--on +which I had looked out, when it was my father's only, with such curious +feelings of compassion, and by which I had stood, so desolate, when it +was opened to receive my pretty mother and her baby--the grave which +Peggotty's own faithful care had ever since kept neat, and made a garden +of, I walked near, by the hour. It lay a little off the churchyard path, +in a quiet corner, not so far removed but I could read the names +upon the stone as I walked to and fro, startled by the sound of the +church-bell when it struck the hour, for it was like a departed voice to +me. My reflections at these times were always associated with the figure +I was to make in life, and the distinguished things I was to do. My +echoing footsteps went to no other tune, but were as constant to that as +if I had come home to build my castles in the air at a living mother's +side. + +There were great changes in my old home. The ragged nests, so long +deserted by the rooks, were gone; and the trees were lopped and topped +out of their remembered shapes. The garden had run wild, and half the +windows of the house were shut up. It was occupied, but only by a poor +lunatic gentleman, and the people who took care of him. He was always +sitting at my little window, looking out into the churchyard; and I +wondered whether his rambling thoughts ever went upon any of the fancies +that used to occupy mine, on the rosy mornings when I peeped out of +that same little window in my night-clothes, and saw the sheep quietly +feeding in the light of the rising sun. + +Our old neighbours, Mr. and Mrs. Grayper, were gone to South America, +and the rain had made its way through the roof of their empty house, +and stained the outer walls. Mr. Chillip was married again to a tall, +raw-boned, high-nosed wife; and they had a weazen little baby, with a +heavy head that it couldn't hold up, and two weak staring eyes, with +which it seemed to be always wondering why it had ever been born. + +It was with a singular jumble of sadness and pleasure that I used to +linger about my native place, until the reddening winter sun admonished +me that it was time to start on my returning walk. But, when the place +was left behind, and especially when Steerforth and I were happily +seated over our dinner by a blazing fire, it was delicious to think of +having been there. So it was, though in a softened degree, when I +went to my neat room at night; and, turning over the leaves of the +crocodile-book (which was always there, upon a little table), remembered +with a grateful heart how blest I was in having such a friend as +Steerforth, such a friend as Peggotty, and such a substitute for what I +had lost as my excellent and generous aunt. + +MY nearest way to Yarmouth, in coming back from these long walks, was by +a ferry. It landed me on the flat between the town and the sea, which I +could make straight across, and so save myself a considerable circuit by +the high road. Mr. Peggotty's house being on that waste-place, and not +a hundred yards out of my track, I always looked in as I went by. +Steerforth was pretty sure to be there expecting me, and we went on +together through the frosty air and gathering fog towards the twinkling +lights of the town. + +One dark evening, when I was later than usual--for I had, that day, been +making my parting visit to Blunderstone, as we were now about to return +home--I found him alone in Mr. Peggotty's house, sitting thoughtfully +before the fire. He was so intent upon his own reflections that he was +quite unconscious of my approach. This, indeed, he might easily have +been if he had been less absorbed, for footsteps fell noiselessly on the +sandy ground outside; but even my entrance failed to rouse him. I was +standing close to him, looking at him; and still, with a heavy brow, he +was lost in his meditations. + +He gave such a start when I put my hand upon his shoulder, that he made +me start too. + +'You come upon me,' he said, almost angrily, 'like a reproachful ghost!' + +'I was obliged to announce myself, somehow,' I replied. 'Have I called +you down from the stars?' + +'No,' he answered. 'No.' + +'Up from anywhere, then?' said I, taking my seat near him. + +'I was looking at the pictures in the fire,' he returned. + +'But you are spoiling them for me,' said I, as he stirred it quickly +with a piece of burning wood, striking out of it a train of red-hot +sparks that went careering up the little chimney, and roaring out into +the air. + +'You would not have seen them,' he returned. 'I detest this mongrel +time, neither day nor night. How late you are! Where have you been?' + +'I have been taking leave of my usual walk,' said I. + +'And I have been sitting here,' said Steerforth, glancing round the +room, 'thinking that all the people we found so glad on the night of +our coming down, might--to judge from the present wasted air of the +place--be dispersed, or dead, or come to I don't know what harm. David, +I wish to God I had had a judicious father these last twenty years!' + +'My dear Steerforth, what is the matter?' + +'I wish with all my soul I had been better guided!' he exclaimed. 'I +wish with all my soul I could guide myself better!' + +There was a passionate dejection in his manner that quite amazed me. He +was more unlike himself than I could have supposed possible. + +'It would be better to be this poor Peggotty, or his lout of a nephew,' +he said, getting up and leaning moodily against the chimney-piece, with +his face towards the fire, 'than to be myself, twenty times richer and +twenty times wiser, and be the torment to myself that I have been, in +this Devil's bark of a boat, within the last half-hour!' + +I was so confounded by the alteration in him, that at first I could only +observe him in silence, as he stood leaning his head upon his hand, and +looking gloomily down at the fire. At length I begged him, with all +the earnestness I felt, to tell me what had occurred to cross him so +unusually, and to let me sympathize with him, if I could not hope to +advise him. Before I had well concluded, he began to laugh--fretfully at +first, but soon with returning gaiety. + +'Tut, it's nothing, Daisy! nothing!' he replied. 'I told you at the +inn in London, I am heavy company for myself, sometimes. I have been a +nightmare to myself, just now--must have had one, I think. At odd dull +times, nursery tales come up into the memory, unrecognized for what +they are. I believe I have been confounding myself with the bad boy who +"didn't care", and became food for lions--a grander kind of going to +the dogs, I suppose. What old women call the horrors, have been creeping +over me from head to foot. I have been afraid of myself.' + +'You are afraid of nothing else, I think,' said I. + +'Perhaps not, and yet may have enough to be afraid of too,' he answered. +'Well! So it goes by! I am not about to be hipped again, David; but I +tell you, my good fellow, once more, that it would have been well for me +(and for more than me) if I had had a steadfast and judicious father!' + +His face was always full of expression, but I never saw it express such +a dark kind of earnestness as when he said these words, with his glance +bent on the fire. + +'So much for that!' he said, making as if he tossed something light +into the air, with his hand. "'Why, being gone, I am a man again," like +Macbeth. And now for dinner! If I have not (Macbeth-like) broken up the +feast with most admired disorder, Daisy.' + +'But where are they all, I wonder!' said I. + +'God knows,' said Steerforth. 'After strolling to the ferry looking +for you, I strolled in here and found the place deserted. That set me +thinking, and you found me thinking.' + +The advent of Mrs. Gummidge with a basket, explained how the house had +happened to be empty. She had hurried out to buy something that was +needed, against Mr. Peggotty's return with the tide; and had left the +door open in the meanwhile, lest Ham and little Em'ly, with whom it was +an early night, should come home while she was gone. Steerforth, after +very much improving Mrs. Gummidge's spirits by a cheerful salutation and +a jocose embrace, took my arm, and hurried me away. + +He had improved his own spirits, no less than Mrs. Gummidge's, for +they were again at their usual flow, and he was full of vivacious +conversation as we went along. + +'And so,' he said, gaily, 'we abandon this buccaneer life tomorrow, do +we?' + +'So we agreed,' I returned. 'And our places by the coach are taken, you +know.' + +'Ay! there's no help for it, I suppose,' said Steerforth. 'I have +almost forgotten that there is anything to do in the world but to go out +tossing on the sea here. I wish there was not.' + +'As long as the novelty should last,' said I, laughing. + +'Like enough,' he returned; 'though there's a sarcastic meaning in that +observation for an amiable piece of innocence like my young friend. +Well! I dare say I am a capricious fellow, David. I know I am; but +while the iron is hot, I can strike it vigorously too. I could pass +a reasonably good examination already, as a pilot in these waters, I +think.' + +'Mr. Peggotty says you are a wonder,' I returned. + +'A nautical phenomenon, eh?' laughed Steerforth. + +'Indeed he does, and you know how truly; I know how ardent you are +in any pursuit you follow, and how easily you can master it. And that +amazes me most in you, Steerforth--that you should be contented with +such fitful uses of your powers.' + +'Contented?' he answered, merrily. 'I am never contented, except with +your freshness, my gentle Daisy. As to fitfulness, I have never learnt +the art of binding myself to any of the wheels on which the Ixions of +these days are turning round and round. I missed it somehow in a bad +apprenticeship, and now don't care about it.---You know I have bought a +boat down here?' + +'What an extraordinary fellow you are, Steerforth!' I exclaimed, +stopping--for this was the first I had heard of it. 'When you may never +care to come near the place again!' + +'I don't know that,' he returned. 'I have taken a fancy to the place. At +all events,' walking me briskly on, 'I have bought a boat that was for +sale--a clipper, Mr. Peggotty says; and so she is--and Mr. Peggotty will +be master of her in my absence.' + +'Now I understand you, Steerforth!' said I, exultingly. 'You pretend +to have bought it for yourself, but you have really done so to confer +a benefit on him. I might have known as much at first, knowing you. +My dear kind Steerforth, how can I tell you what I think of your +generosity?' + +'Tush!' he answered, turning red. 'The less said, the better.' + +'Didn't I know?' cried I, 'didn't I say that there was not a joy, or +sorrow, or any emotion of such honest hearts that was indifferent to +you?' + +'Aye, aye,' he answered, 'you told me all that. There let it rest. We +have said enough!' + +Afraid of offending him by pursuing the subject when he made so light +of it, I only pursued it in my thoughts as we went on at even a quicker +pace than before. + +'She must be newly rigged,' said Steerforth, 'and I shall leave Littimer +behind to see it done, that I may know she is quite complete. Did I tell +you Littimer had come down?' + +'No.' + +'Oh yes! came down this morning, with a letter from my mother.' + +As our looks met, I observed that he was pale even to his lips, though +he looked very steadily at me. I feared that some difference between him +and his mother might have led to his being in the frame of mind in which +I had found him at the solitary fireside. I hinted so. + +'Oh no!' he said, shaking his head, and giving a slight laugh. 'Nothing +of the sort! Yes. He is come down, that man of mine.' + +'The same as ever?' said I. + +'The same as ever,' said Steerforth. 'Distant and quiet as the North +Pole. He shall see to the boat being fresh named. She's the "Stormy +Petrel" now. What does Mr. Peggotty care for Stormy Petrels! I'll have +her christened again.' + +'By what name?' I asked. + +'The "Little Em'ly".' + +As he had continued to look steadily at me, I took it as a reminder that +he objected to being extolled for his consideration. I could not help +showing in my face how much it pleased me, but I said little, and he +resumed his usual smile, and seemed relieved. + +'But see here,' he said, looking before us, 'where the original little +Em'ly comes! And that fellow with her, eh? Upon my soul, he's a true +knight. He never leaves her!' + +Ham was a boat-builder in these days, having improved a natural +ingenuity in that handicraft, until he had become a skilled workman. He +was in his working-dress, and looked rugged enough, but manly withal, +and a very fit protector for the blooming little creature at his +side. Indeed, there was a frankness in his face, an honesty, and an +undisguised show of his pride in her, and his love for her, which were, +to me, the best of good looks. I thought, as they came towards us, that +they were well matched even in that particular. + +She withdrew her hand timidly from his arm as we stopped to speak to +them, and blushed as she gave it to Steerforth and to me. When they +passed on, after we had exchanged a few words, she did not like to +replace that hand, but, still appearing timid and constrained, walked +by herself. I thought all this very pretty and engaging, and Steerforth +seemed to think so too, as we looked after them fading away in the light +of a young moon. + +Suddenly there passed us--evidently following them--a young woman whose +approach we had not observed, but whose face I saw as she went by, and +thought I had a faint remembrance of. She was lightly dressed; looked +bold, and haggard, and flaunting, and poor; but seemed, for the time, to +have given all that to the wind which was blowing, and to have nothing +in her mind but going after them. As the dark distant level, absorbing +their figures into itself, left but itself visible between us and the +sea and clouds, her figure disappeared in like manner, still no nearer +to them than before. + +'That is a black shadow to be following the girl,' said Steerforth, +standing still; 'what does it mean?' + +He spoke in a low voice that sounded almost strange to Me. + +'She must have it in her mind to beg of them, I think,' said I. + +'A beggar would be no novelty,' said Steerforth; 'but it is a strange +thing that the beggar should take that shape tonight.' + +'Why?' I asked. + +'For no better reason, truly, than because I was thinking,' he said, +after a pause, 'of something like it, when it came by. Where the Devil +did it come from, I wonder!' + +'From the shadow of this wall, I think,' said I, as we emerged upon a +road on which a wall abutted. + +'It's gone!' he returned, looking over his shoulder. 'And all ill go +with it. Now for our dinner!' + +But he looked again over his shoulder towards the sea-line glimmering +afar off, and yet again. And he wondered about it, in some broken +expressions, several times, in the short remainder of our walk; and only +seemed to forget it when the light of fire and candle shone upon us, +seated warm and merry, at table. + +Littimer was there, and had his usual effect upon me. When I said to +him that I hoped Mrs. Steerforth and Miss Dartle were well, he answered +respectfully (and of course respectably), that they were tolerably well, +he thanked me, and had sent their compliments. This was all, and yet he +seemed to me to say as plainly as a man could say: 'You are very young, +sir; you are exceedingly young.' + +We had almost finished dinner, when taking a step or two towards the +table, from the corner where he kept watch upon us, or rather upon me, +as I felt, he said to his master: + +'I beg your pardon, sir. Miss Mowcher is down here.' + +'Who?' cried Steerforth, much astonished. + +'Miss Mowcher, sir.' + +'Why, what on earth does she do here?' said Steerforth. + +'It appears to be her native part of the country, sir. She informs me +that she makes one of her professional visits here, every year, sir. +I met her in the street this afternoon, and she wished to know if she +might have the honour of waiting on you after dinner, sir.' + +'Do you know the Giantess in question, Daisy?' inquired Steerforth. + +I was obliged to confess--I felt ashamed, even of being at this +disadvantage before Littimer--that Miss Mowcher and I were wholly +unacquainted. + +'Then you shall know her,' said Steerforth, 'for she is one of the seven +wonders of the world. When Miss Mowcher comes, show her in.' + +I felt some curiosity and excitement about this lady, especially as +Steerforth burst into a fit of laughing when I referred to her, and +positively refused to answer any question of which I made her the +subject. I remained, therefore, in a state of considerable expectation +until the cloth had been removed some half an hour, and we were sitting +over our decanter of wine before the fire, when the door opened, and +Littimer, with his habitual serenity quite undisturbed, announced: + +'Miss Mowcher!' + +I looked at the doorway and saw nothing. I was still looking at +the doorway, thinking that Miss Mowcher was a long while making her +appearance, when, to my infinite astonishment, there came waddling round +a sofa which stood between me and it, a pursy dwarf, of about forty +or forty-five, with a very large head and face, a pair of roguish grey +eyes, and such extremely little arms, that, to enable herself to lay a +finger archly against her snub nose, as she ogled Steerforth, she was +obliged to meet the finger half-way, and lay her nose against it. +Her chin, which was what is called a double chin, was so fat that it +entirely swallowed up the strings of her bonnet, bow and all. Throat she +had none; waist she had none; legs she had none, worth mentioning; for +though she was more than full-sized down to where her waist would have +been, if she had had any, and though she terminated, as human beings +generally do, in a pair of feet, she was so short that she stood at a +common-sized chair as at a table, resting a bag she carried on the seat. +This lady--dressed in an off-hand, easy style; bringing her nose and her +forefinger together, with the difficulty I have described; standing with +her head necessarily on one side, and, with one of her sharp eyes shut +up, making an uncommonly knowing face--after ogling Steerforth for a few +moments, broke into a torrent of words. + +'What! My flower!' she pleasantly began, shaking her large head at him. +'You're there, are you! Oh, you naughty boy, fie for shame, what do you +do so far away from home? Up to mischief, I'll be bound. Oh, you're a +downy fellow, Steerforth, so you are, and I'm another, ain't I? Ha, ha, +ha! You'd have betted a hundred pound to five, now, that you wouldn't +have seen me here, wouldn't you? Bless you, man alive, I'm everywhere. +I'm here and there, and where not, like the conjurer's half-crown in the +lady's handkercher. Talking of handkerchers--and talking of ladies--what +a comfort you are to your blessed mother, ain't you, my dear boy, over +one of my shoulders, and I don't say which!' + +Miss Mowcher untied her bonnet, at this passage of her discourse, threw +back the strings, and sat down, panting, on a footstool in front of +the fire--making a kind of arbour of the dining table, which spread its +mahogany shelter above her head. + +'Oh my stars and what's-their-names!' she went on, clapping a hand on +each of her little knees, and glancing shrewdly at me, 'I'm of too full +a habit, that's the fact, Steerforth. After a flight of stairs, it gives +me as much trouble to draw every breath I want, as if it was a bucket of +water. If you saw me looking out of an upper window, you'd think I was a +fine woman, wouldn't you?' + +'I should think that, wherever I saw you,' replied Steerforth. + +'Go along, you dog, do!' cried the little creature, making a whisk at +him with the handkerchief with which she was wiping her face, 'and don't +be impudent! But I give you my word and honour I was at Lady Mithers's +last week--THERE'S a woman! How SHE wears!--and Mithers himself came +into the room where I was waiting for her--THERE'S a man! How HE wears! +and his wig too, for he's had it these ten years--and he went on at +that rate in the complimentary line, that I began to think I should be +obliged to ring the bell. Ha! ha! ha! He's a pleasant wretch, but he +wants principle.' + +'What were you doing for Lady Mithers?' asked Steerforth. + +'That's tellings, my blessed infant,' she retorted, tapping her nose +again, screwing up her face, and twinkling her eyes like an imp of +supernatural intelligence. 'Never YOU mind! You'd like to know whether +I stop her hair from falling off, or dye it, or touch up her +complexion, or improve her eyebrows, wouldn't you? And so you shall, my +darling--when I tell you! Do you know what my great grandfather's name +was?' + +'No,' said Steerforth. + +'It was Walker, my sweet pet,' replied Miss Mowcher, 'and he came of a +long line of Walkers, that I inherit all the Hookey estates from.' + +I never beheld anything approaching to Miss Mowcher's wink except Miss +Mowcher's self-possession. She had a wonderful way too, when listening +to what was said to her, or when waiting for an answer to what she had +said herself, of pausing with her head cunningly on one side, and one +eye turned up like a magpie's. Altogether I was lost in amazement, +and sat staring at her, quite oblivious, I am afraid, of the laws of +politeness. + +She had by this time drawn the chair to her side, and was busily engaged +in producing from the bag (plunging in her short arm to the shoulder, at +every dive) a number of small bottles, sponges, combs, brushes, bits of +flannel, little pairs of curling-irons, and other instruments, which +she tumbled in a heap upon the chair. From this employment she suddenly +desisted, and said to Steerforth, much to my confusion: + +'Who's your friend?' + +'Mr. Copperfield,' said Steerforth; 'he wants to know you.' + +'Well, then, he shall! I thought he looked as if he did!' returned Miss +Mowcher, waddling up to me, bag in hand, and laughing on me as she came. +'Face like a peach!' standing on tiptoe to pinch my cheek as I +sat. 'Quite tempting! I'm very fond of peaches. Happy to make your +acquaintance, Mr. Copperfield, I'm sure.' + +I said that I congratulated myself on having the honour to make hers, +and that the happiness was mutual. + +'Oh, my goodness, how polite we are!' exclaimed Miss Mowcher, making a +preposterous attempt to cover her large face with her morsel of a hand. +'What a world of gammon and spinnage it is, though, ain't it!' + +This was addressed confidentially to both of us, as the morsel of a +hand came away from the face, and buried itself, arm and all, in the bag +again. + +'What do you mean, Miss Mowcher?' said Steerforth. + +'Ha! ha! ha! What a refreshing set of humbugs we are, to be sure, ain't +we, my sweet child?' replied that morsel of a woman, feeling in the bag +with her head on one side and her eye in the air. 'Look here!' taking +something out. 'Scraps of the Russian Prince's nails. Prince Alphabet +turned topsy-turvy, I call him, for his name's got all the letters in +it, higgledy-piggledy.' + +'The Russian Prince is a client of yours, is he?' said Steerforth. + +'I believe you, my pet,' replied Miss Mowcher. 'I keep his nails in +order for him. Twice a week! Fingers and toes.' + +'He pays well, I hope?' said Steerforth. + +'Pays, as he speaks, my dear child--through the nose,' replied Miss +Mowcher. 'None of your close shavers the Prince ain't. You'd say so, if +you saw his moustachios. Red by nature, black by art.' + +'By your art, of course,' said Steerforth. + +Miss Mowcher winked assent. 'Forced to send for me. Couldn't help it. +The climate affected his dye; it did very well in Russia, but it was no +go here. You never saw such a rusty Prince in all your born days as he +was. Like old iron!' 'Is that why you called him a humbug, just now?' +inquired Steerforth. + +'Oh, you're a broth of a boy, ain't you?' returned Miss Mowcher, shaking +her head violently. 'I said, what a set of humbugs we were in general, +and I showed you the scraps of the Prince's nails to prove it. The +Prince's nails do more for me in private families of the genteel sort, +than all my talents put together. I always carry 'em about. They're the +best introduction. If Miss Mowcher cuts the Prince's nails, she must be +all right. I give 'em away to the young ladies. They put 'em in albums, +I believe. Ha! ha! ha! Upon my life, "the whole social system" (as +the men call it when they make speeches in Parliament) is a system of +Prince's nails!' said this least of women, trying to fold her short +arms, and nodding her large head. + +Steerforth laughed heartily, and I laughed too. Miss Mowcher continuing +all the time to shake her head (which was very much on one side), and to +look into the air with one eye, and to wink with the other. + +'Well, well!' she said, smiting her small knees, and rising, 'this is +not business. Come, Steerforth, let's explore the polar regions, and +have it over.' + +She then selected two or three of the little instruments, and a +little bottle, and asked (to my surprise) if the table would bear. On +Steerforth's replying in the affirmative, she pushed a chair against it, +and begging the assistance of my hand, mounted up, pretty nimbly, to the +top, as if it were a stage. + +'If either of you saw my ankles,' she said, when she was safely +elevated, 'say so, and I'll go home and destroy myself!' + +'I did not,' said Steerforth. + +'I did not,' said I. + +'Well then,' cried Miss Mowcher, 'I'll consent to live. Now, ducky, +ducky, ducky, come to Mrs. Bond and be killed.' + +This was an invocation to Steerforth to place himself under her hands; +who, accordingly, sat himself down, with his back to the table, and +his laughing face towards me, and submitted his head to her inspection, +evidently for no other purpose than our entertainment. To see Miss +Mowcher standing over him, looking at his rich profusion of brown +hair through a large round magnifying glass, which she took out of her +pocket, was a most amazing spectacle. + +'You're a pretty fellow!' said Miss Mowcher, after a brief inspection. +'You'd be as bald as a friar on the top of your head in twelve months, +but for me. Just half a minute, my young friend, and we'll give you a +polishing that shall keep your curls on for the next ten years!' + +With this, she tilted some of the contents of the little bottle on to +one of the little bits of flannel, and, again imparting some of the +virtues of that preparation to one of the little brushes, began rubbing +and scraping away with both on the crown of Steerforth's head in the +busiest manner I ever witnessed, talking all the time. + +'There's Charley Pyegrave, the duke's son,' she said. 'You know +Charley?' peeping round into his face. + +'A little,' said Steerforth. + +'What a man HE is! THERE'S a whisker! As to Charley's legs, if they +were only a pair (which they ain't), they'd defy competition. Would you +believe he tried to do without me--in the Life-Guards, too?' + +'Mad!' said Steerforth. + +'It looks like it. However, mad or sane, he tried,' returned Miss +Mowcher. 'What does he do, but, lo and behold you, he goes into a +perfumer's shop, and wants to buy a bottle of the Madagascar Liquid.' + +'Charley does?' said Steerforth. + +'Charley does. But they haven't got any of the Madagascar Liquid.' + +'What is it? Something to drink?' asked Steerforth. + +'To drink?' returned Miss Mowcher, stopping to slap his cheek. 'To +doctor his own moustachios with, you know. There was a woman in the +shop--elderly female--quite a Griffin--who had never even heard of it +by name. "Begging pardon, sir," said the Griffin to Charley, "it's +not--not--not ROUGE, is it?" "Rouge," said Charley to the Griffin. "What +the unmentionable to ears polite, do you think I want with rouge?" "No +offence, sir," said the Griffin; "we have it asked for by so many names, +I thought it might be." Now that, my child,' continued Miss Mowcher, +rubbing all the time as busily as ever, 'is another instance of +the refreshing humbug I was speaking of. I do something in that way +myself--perhaps a good deal--perhaps a little--sharp's the word, my dear +boy--never mind!' + +'In what way do you mean? In the rouge way?' said Steerforth. + +'Put this and that together, my tender pupil,' returned the wary +Mowcher, touching her nose, 'work it by the rule of Secrets in all +trades, and the product will give you the desired result. I say I do a +little in that way myself. One Dowager, SHE calls it lip-salve. Another, +SHE calls it gloves. Another, SHE calls it tucker-edging. Another, SHE +calls it a fan. I call it whatever THEY call it. I supply it for 'em, +but we keep up the trick so, to one another, and make believe with +such a face, that they'd as soon think of laying it on, before a whole +drawing-room, as before me. And when I wait upon 'em, they'll say to +me sometimes--WITH IT ON--thick, and no mistake--"How am I looking, +Mowcher? Am I pale?" Ha! ha! ha! ha! Isn't THAT refreshing, my young +friend!' + +I never did in my days behold anything like Mowcher as she stood upon +the dining table, intensely enjoying this refreshment, rubbing busily at +Steerforth's head, and winking at me over it. + +'Ah!' she said. 'Such things are not much in demand hereabouts. That +sets me off again! I haven't seen a pretty woman since I've been here, +jemmy.' + +'No?' said Steerforth. + +'Not the ghost of one,' replied Miss Mowcher. + +'We could show her the substance of one, I think?' said Steerforth, +addressing his eyes to mine. 'Eh, Daisy?' + +'Yes, indeed,' said I. + +'Aha?' cried the little creature, glancing sharply at my face, and then +peeping round at Steerforth's. 'Umph?' + +The first exclamation sounded like a question put to both of us, and the +second like a question put to Steerforth only. She seemed to have found +no answer to either, but continued to rub, with her head on one side and +her eye turned up, as if she were looking for an answer in the air and +were confident of its appearing presently. + +'A sister of yours, Mr. Copperfield?' she cried, after a pause, and +still keeping the same look-out. 'Aye, aye?' + +'No,' said Steerforth, before I could reply. 'Nothing of the sort. On +the contrary, Mr. Copperfield used--or I am much mistaken--to have a +great admiration for her.' + +'Why, hasn't he now?' returned Miss Mowcher. 'Is he fickle? Oh, for +shame! Did he sip every flower, and change every hour, until Polly his +passion requited?--Is her name Polly?' + +The Elfin suddenness with which she pounced upon me with this question, +and a searching look, quite disconcerted me for a moment. + +'No, Miss Mowcher,' I replied. 'Her name is Emily.' + +'Aha?' she cried exactly as before. 'Umph? What a rattle I am! Mr. +Copperfield, ain't I volatile?' + +Her tone and look implied something that was not agreeable to me in +connexion with the subject. So I said, in a graver manner than any of us +had yet assumed: 'She is as virtuous as she is pretty. She is engaged +to be married to a most worthy and deserving man in her own station of +life. I esteem her for her good sense, as much as I admire her for her +good looks.' + +'Well said!' cried Steerforth. 'Hear, hear, hear! Now I'll quench the +curiosity of this little Fatima, my dear Daisy, by leaving her nothing +to guess at. She is at present apprenticed, Miss Mowcher, or articled, +or whatever it may be, to Omer and Joram, Haberdashers, Milliners, and +so forth, in this town. Do you observe? Omer and Joram. The promise of +which my friend has spoken, is made and entered into with her cousin; +Christian name, Ham; surname, Peggotty; occupation, boat-builder; +also of this town. She lives with a relative; Christian name, unknown; +surname, Peggotty; occupation, seafaring; also of this town. She is the +prettiest and most engaging little fairy in the world. I admire her--as +my friend does--exceedingly. If it were not that I might appear to +disparage her Intended, which I know my friend would not like, I would +add, that to me she seems to be throwing herself away; that I am sure +she might do better; and that I swear she was born to be a lady.' + +Miss Mowcher listened to these words, which were very slowly and +distinctly spoken, with her head on one side, and her eye in the air +as if she were still looking for that answer. When he ceased she became +brisk again in an instant, and rattled away with surprising volubility. + +'Oh! And that's all about it, is it?' she exclaimed, trimming his +whiskers with a little restless pair of scissors, that went glancing +round his head in all directions. 'Very well: very well! Quite a long +story. Ought to end "and they lived happy ever afterwards"; oughtn't +it? Ah! What's that game at forfeits? I love my love with an E, because +she's enticing; I hate her with an E, because she's engaged. I took her +to the sign of the exquisite, and treated her with an elopement, her +name's Emily, and she lives in the east? Ha! ha! ha! Mr. Copperfield, +ain't I volatile?' + +Merely looking at me with extravagant slyness, and not waiting for any +reply, she continued, without drawing breath: + +'There! If ever any scapegrace was trimmed and touched up to perfection, +you are, Steerforth. If I understand any noddle in the world, I +understand yours. Do you hear me when I tell you that, my darling? I +understand yours,' peeping down into his face. 'Now you may mizzle, +jemmy (as we say at Court), and if Mr. Copperfield will take the chair +I'll operate on him.' + +'What do you say, Daisy?' inquired Steerforth, laughing, and resigning +his seat. 'Will you be improved?' + +'Thank you, Miss Mowcher, not this evening.' + +'Don't say no,' returned the little woman, looking at me with the aspect +of a connoisseur; 'a little bit more eyebrow?' + +'Thank you,' I returned, 'some other time.' + +'Have it carried half a quarter of an inch towards the temple,' said +Miss Mowcher. 'We can do it in a fortnight.' + +'No, I thank you. Not at present.' + +'Go in for a tip,' she urged. 'No? Let's get the scaffolding up, then, +for a pair of whiskers. Come!' + +I could not help blushing as I declined, for I felt we were on my weak +point, now. But Miss Mowcher, finding that I was not at present disposed +for any decoration within the range of her art, and that I was, for the +time being, proof against the blandishments of the small bottle which +she held up before one eye to enforce her persuasions, said we would +make a beginning on an early day, and requested the aid of my hand to +descend from her elevated station. Thus assisted, she skipped down with +much agility, and began to tie her double chin into her bonnet. + +'The fee,' said Steerforth, 'is--' + +'Five bob,' replied Miss Mowcher, 'and dirt cheap, my chicken. Ain't I +volatile, Mr. Copperfield?' + +I replied politely: 'Not at all.' But I thought she was rather so, when +she tossed up his two half-crowns like a goblin pieman, caught them, +dropped them in her pocket, and gave it a loud slap. + +'That's the Till!' observed Miss Mowcher, standing at the chair again, +and replacing in the bag a miscellaneous collection of little objects +she had emptied out of it. 'Have I got all my traps? It seems so. It +won't do to be like long Ned Beadwood, when they took him to church "to +marry him to somebody", as he says, and left the bride behind. Ha! ha! +ha! A wicked rascal, Ned, but droll! Now, I know I'm going to break +your hearts, but I am forced to leave you. You must call up all your +fortitude, and try to bear it. Good-bye, Mr. Copperfield! Take care of +yourself, jockey of Norfolk! How I have been rattling on! It's all +the fault of you two wretches. I forgive you! "Bob swore!"--as the +Englishman said for "Good night", when he first learnt French, and +thought it so like English. "Bob swore," my ducks!' + +With the bag slung over her arm, and rattling as she waddled away, she +waddled to the door, where she stopped to inquire if she should leave +us a lock of her hair. 'Ain't I volatile?' she added, as a commentary on +this offer, and, with her finger on her nose, departed. + +Steerforth laughed to that degree, that it was impossible for me to help +laughing too; though I am not sure I should have done so, but for this +inducement. When we had had our laugh quite out, which was after some +time, he told me that Miss Mowcher had quite an extensive connexion, and +made herself useful to a variety of people in a variety of ways. Some +people trifled with her as a mere oddity, he said; but she was as +shrewdly and sharply observant as anyone he knew, and as long-headed as +she was short-armed. He told me that what she had said of being here, +and there, and everywhere, was true enough; for she made little darts +into the provinces, and seemed to pick up customers everywhere, and to +know everybody. I asked him what her disposition was: whether it was at +all mischievous, and if her sympathies were generally on the right side +of things: but, not succeeding in attracting his attention to these +questions after two or three attempts, I forbore or forgot to repeat +them. He told me instead, with much rapidity, a good deal about her +skill, and her profits; and about her being a scientific cupper, if I +should ever have occasion for her service in that capacity. + +She was the principal theme of our conversation during the evening: +and when we parted for the night Steerforth called after me over the +banisters, 'Bob swore!' as I went downstairs. + +I was surprised, when I came to Mr. Barkis's house, to find Ham walking +up and down in front of it, and still more surprised to learn from him +that little Em'ly was inside. I naturally inquired why he was not there +too, instead of pacing the streets by himself? + +'Why, you see, Mas'r Davy,' he rejoined, in a hesitating manner, 'Em'ly, +she's talking to some 'un in here.' + +'I should have thought,' said I, smiling, 'that that was a reason for +your being in here too, Ham.' + +'Well, Mas'r Davy, in a general way, so 't would be,' he returned; +'but look'ee here, Mas'r Davy,' lowering his voice, and speaking very +gravely. 'It's a young woman, sir--a young woman, that Em'ly knowed +once, and doen't ought to know no more.' + +When I heard these words, a light began to fall upon the figure I had +seen following them, some hours ago. + +'It's a poor wurem, Mas'r Davy,' said Ham, 'as is trod under foot by all +the town. Up street and down street. The mowld o' the churchyard don't +hold any that the folk shrink away from, more.' + +'Did I see her tonight, Ham, on the sand, after we met you?' + +'Keeping us in sight?' said Ham. 'It's like you did, Mas'r Davy. Not +that I know'd then, she was theer, sir, but along of her creeping soon +arterwards under Em'ly's little winder, when she see the light come, +and whispering "Em'ly, Em'ly, for Christ's sake, have a woman's heart +towards me. I was once like you!" Those was solemn words, Mas'r Davy, +fur to hear!' + +'They were indeed, Ham. What did Em'ly do?' 'Says Em'ly, "Martha, is +it you? Oh, Martha, can it be you?"--for they had sat at work together, +many a day, at Mr. Omer's.' + +'I recollect her now!' cried I, recalling one of the two girls I had +seen when I first went there. 'I recollect her quite well!' + +'Martha Endell,' said Ham. 'Two or three year older than Em'ly, but was +at the school with her.' + +'I never heard her name,' said I. 'I didn't mean to interrupt you.' + +'For the matter o' that, Mas'r Davy,' replied Ham, 'all's told a'most +in them words, "Em'ly, Em'ly, for Christ's sake, have a woman's heart +towards me. I was once like you!" She wanted to speak to Em'ly. Em'ly +couldn't speak to her theer, for her loving uncle was come home, and +he wouldn't--no, Mas'r Davy,' said Ham, with great earnestness, 'he +couldn't, kind-natur'd, tender-hearted as he is, see them two together, +side by side, for all the treasures that's wrecked in the sea.' + +I felt how true this was. I knew it, on the instant, quite as well as +Ham. + +'So Em'ly writes in pencil on a bit of paper,' he pursued, 'and gives it +to her out o' winder to bring here. "Show that," she says, "to my aunt, +Mrs. Barkis, and she'll set you down by her fire, for the love of me, +till uncle is gone out, and I can come." By and by she tells me what +I tell you, Mas'r Davy, and asks me to bring her. What can I do? She +doen't ought to know any such, but I can't deny her, when the tears is +on her face.' + +He put his hand into the breast of his shaggy jacket, and took out with +great care a pretty little purse. + +'And if I could deny her when the tears was on her face, Mas'r Davy,' +said Ham, tenderly adjusting it on the rough palm of his hand, 'how +could I deny her when she give me this to carry for her--knowing what +she brought it for? Such a toy as it is!' said Ham, thoughtfully looking +on it. 'With such a little money in it, Em'ly my dear.' + +I shook him warmly by the hand when he had put it away again--for that +was more satisfactory to me than saying anything--and we walked up +and down, for a minute or two, in silence. The door opened then, and +Peggotty appeared, beckoning to Ham to come in. I would have kept away, +but she came after me, entreating me to come in too. Even then, I +would have avoided the room where they all were, but for its being the +neat-tiled kitchen I have mentioned more than once. The door opening +immediately into it, I found myself among them before I considered +whither I was going. + +The girl--the same I had seen upon the sands--was near the fire. She +was sitting on the ground, with her head and one arm lying on a chair. +I fancied, from the disposition of her figure, that Em'ly had but newly +risen from the chair, and that the forlorn head might perhaps have been +lying on her lap. I saw but little of the girl's face, over which her +hair fell loose and scattered, as if she had been disordering it with +her own hands; but I saw that she was young, and of a fair complexion. +Peggotty had been crying. So had little Em'ly. Not a word was spoken +when we first went in; and the Dutch clock by the dresser seemed, in the +silence, to tick twice as loud as usual. Em'ly spoke first. + +'Martha wants,' she said to Ham, 'to go to London.' + +'Why to London?' returned Ham. + +He stood between them, looking on the prostrate girl with a mixture of +compassion for her, and of jealousy of her holding any companionship +with her whom he loved so well, which I have always remembered +distinctly. They both spoke as if she were ill; in a soft, suppressed +tone that was plainly heard, although it hardly rose above a whisper. + +'Better there than here,' said a third voice aloud--Martha's, though she +did not move. 'No one knows me there. Everybody knows me here.' + +'What will she do there?' inquired Ham. + +She lifted up her head, and looked darkly round at him for a moment; +then laid it down again, and curved her right arm about her neck, as +a woman in a fever, or in an agony of pain from a shot, might twist +herself. + +'She will try to do well,' said little Em'ly. 'You don't know what she +has said to us. Does he--do they--aunt?' + +Peggotty shook her head compassionately. + +'I'll try,' said Martha, 'if you'll help me away. I never can do worse +than I have done here. I may do better. Oh!' with a dreadful shiver, +'take me out of these streets, where the whole town knows me from a +child!' + +As Em'ly held out her hand to Ham, I saw him put in it a little canvas +bag. She took it, as if she thought it were her purse, and made a step +or two forward; but finding her mistake, came back to where he had +retired near me, and showed it to him. + +'It's all yourn, Em'ly,' I could hear him say. 'I haven't nowt in all +the wureld that ain't yourn, my dear. It ain't of no delight to me, +except for you!' + +The tears rose freshly in her eyes, but she turned away and went to +Martha. What she gave her, I don't know. I saw her stooping over her, +and putting money in her bosom. She whispered something, as she asked +was that enough? 'More than enough,' the other said, and took her hand +and kissed it. + +Then Martha arose, and gathering her shawl about her, covering her +face with it, and weeping aloud, went slowly to the door. She stopped +a moment before going out, as if she would have uttered something or +turned back; but no word passed her lips. Making the same low, dreary, +wretched moaning in her shawl, she went away. + +As the door closed, little Em'ly looked at us three in a hurried manner +and then hid her face in her hands, and fell to sobbing. + +'Doen't, Em'ly!' said Ham, tapping her gently on the shoulder. 'Doen't, +my dear! You doen't ought to cry so, pretty!' + +'Oh, Ham!' she exclaimed, still weeping pitifully, 'I am not so good a +girl as I ought to be! I know I have not the thankful heart, sometimes, +I ought to have!' + +'Yes, yes, you have, I'm sure,' said Ham. + +'No! no! no!' cried little Em'ly, sobbing, and shaking her head. 'I am +not as good a girl as I ought to be. Not near! not near!' And still she +cried, as if her heart would break. + +'I try your love too much. I know I do!' she sobbed. 'I'm often cross to +you, and changeable with you, when I ought to be far different. You are +never so to me. Why am I ever so to you, when I should think of nothing +but how to be grateful, and to make you happy!' + +'You always make me so,' said Ham, 'my dear! I am happy in the sight of +you. I am happy, all day long, in the thoughts of you.' + +'Ah! that's not enough!' she cried. 'That is because you are good; not +because I am! Oh, my dear, it might have been a better fortune for +you, if you had been fond of someone else--of someone steadier and +much worthier than me, who was all bound up in you, and never vain and +changeable like me!' + +'Poor little tender-heart,' said Ham, in a low voice. 'Martha has +overset her, altogether.' + +'Please, aunt,' sobbed Em'ly, 'come here, and let me lay my head upon +you. Oh, I am very miserable tonight, aunt! Oh, I am not as good a girl +as I ought to be. I am not, I know!' + +Peggotty had hastened to the chair before the fire. Em'ly, with her +arms around her neck, kneeled by her, looking up most earnestly into her +face. + +'Oh, pray, aunt, try to help me! Ham, dear, try to help me! Mr. David, +for the sake of old times, do, please, try to help me! I want to be a +better girl than I am. I want to feel a hundred times more thankful than +I do. I want to feel more, what a blessed thing it is to be the wife of +a good man, and to lead a peaceful life. Oh me, oh me! Oh my heart, my +heart!' + +She dropped her face on my old nurse's breast, and, ceasing this +supplication, which in its agony and grief was half a woman's, half a +child's, as all her manner was (being, in that, more natural, and better +suited to her beauty, as I thought, than any other manner could have +been), wept silently, while my old nurse hushed her like an infant. + +She got calmer by degrees, and then we soothed her; now talking +encouragingly, and now jesting a little with her, until she began to +raise her head and speak to us. So we got on, until she was able to +smile, and then to laugh, and then to sit up, half ashamed; while +Peggotty recalled her stray ringlets, dried her eyes, and made her neat +again, lest her uncle should wonder, when she got home, why his darling +had been crying. + +I saw her do, that night, what I had never seen her do before. I saw her +innocently kiss her chosen husband on the cheek, and creep close to his +bluff form as if it were her best support. When they went away together, +in the waning moonlight, and I looked after them, comparing their +departure in my mind with Martha's, I saw that she held his arm with +both her hands, and still kept close to him. + + + +CHAPTER 23. I CORROBORATE Mr. DICK, AND CHOOSE A PROFESSION + + +When I awoke in the morning I thought very much of little Em'ly, and her +emotion last night, after Martha had left. I felt as if I had come into +the knowledge of those domestic weaknesses and tendernesses in a sacred +confidence, and that to disclose them, even to Steerforth, would be +wrong. I had no gentler feeling towards anyone than towards the +pretty creature who had been my playmate, and whom I have always been +persuaded, and shall always be persuaded, to my dying day, I then +devotedly loved. The repetition to any ears--even to Steerforth's--of +what she had been unable to repress when her heart lay open to me by an +accident, I felt would be a rough deed, unworthy of myself, unworthy of +the light of our pure childhood, which I always saw encircling her head. +I made a resolution, therefore, to keep it in my own breast; and there +it gave her image a new grace. + +While we were at breakfast, a letter was delivered to me from my aunt. +As it contained matter on which I thought Steerforth could advise me +as well as anyone, and on which I knew I should be delighted to consult +him, I resolved to make it a subject of discussion on our journey home. +For the present we had enough to do, in taking leave of all our friends. +Mr. Barkis was far from being the last among them, in his regret at +our departure; and I believe would even have opened the box again, and +sacrificed another guinea, if it would have kept us eight-and-forty +hours in Yarmouth. Peggotty and all her family were full of grief at our +going. The whole house of Omer and Joram turned out to bid us good-bye; +and there were so many seafaring volunteers in attendance on Steerforth, +when our portmanteaux went to the coach, that if we had had the baggage +of a regiment with us, we should hardly have wanted porters to carry it. +In a word, we departed to the regret and admiration of all concerned, +and left a great many people very sorry behind US. + +'Do you stay long here, Littimer?' said I, as he stood waiting to see the +coach start. + +'No, sir,' he replied; 'probably not very long, sir.' + +'He can hardly say, just now,' observed Steerforth, carelessly. 'He +knows what he has to do, and he'll do it.' + +'That I am sure he will,' said I. + +Littimer touched his hat in acknowledgement of my good opinion, and I +felt about eight years old. He touched it once more, wishing us a good +journey; and we left him standing on the pavement, as respectable a +mystery as any pyramid in Egypt. + +For some little time we held no conversation, Steerforth being unusually +silent, and I being sufficiently engaged in wondering, within myself, +when I should see the old places again, and what new changes might +happen to me or them in the meanwhile. At length Steerforth, becoming +gay and talkative in a moment, as he could become anything he liked at +any moment, pulled me by the arm: + +'Find a voice, David. What about that letter you were speaking of at +breakfast?' + +'Oh!' said I, taking it out of my pocket. 'It's from my aunt.' + +'And what does she say, requiring consideration?' + +'Why, she reminds me, Steerforth,' said I, 'that I came out on this +expedition to look about me, and to think a little.' + +'Which, of course, you have done?' + +'Indeed I can't say I have, particularly. To tell you the truth, I am +afraid I have forgotten it.' + +'Well! look about you now, and make up for your negligence,' said +Steerforth. 'Look to the right, and you'll see a flat country, with a +good deal of marsh in it; look to the left, and you'll see the same. +Look to the front, and you'll find no difference; look to the rear, +and there it is still.' I laughed, and replied that I saw no suitable +profession in the whole prospect; which was perhaps to be attributed to +its flatness. + +'What says our aunt on the subject?' inquired Steerforth, glancing at +the letter in my hand. 'Does she suggest anything?' + +'Why, yes,' said I. 'She asks me, here, if I think I should like to be a +proctor? What do you think of it?' + +'Well, I don't know,' replied Steerforth, coolly. 'You may as well do +that as anything else, I suppose?' + +I could not help laughing again, at his balancing all callings and +professions so equally; and I told him so. + +'What is a proctor, Steerforth?' said I. + +'Why, he is a sort of monkish attorney,' replied Steerforth. 'He is, to +some faded courts held in Doctors' Commons,--a lazy old nook near St. +Paul's Churchyard--what solicitors are to the courts of law and equity. +He is a functionary whose existence, in the natural course of things, +would have terminated about two hundred years ago. I can tell you best +what he is, by telling you what Doctors' Commons is. It's a +little out-of-the-way place, where they administer what is called +ecclesiastical law, and play all kinds of tricks with obsolete old +monsters of acts of Parliament, which three-fourths of the world know +nothing about, and the other fourth supposes to have been dug up, in +a fossil state, in the days of the Edwards. It's a place that has an +ancient monopoly in suits about people's wills and people's marriages, +and disputes among ships and boats.' + +'Nonsense, Steerforth!' I exclaimed. 'You don't mean to say that there +is any affinity between nautical matters and ecclesiastical matters?' + +'I don't, indeed, my dear boy,' he returned; 'but I mean to say that +they are managed and decided by the same set of people, down in that +same Doctors' Commons. You shall go there one day, and find them +blundering through half the nautical terms in Young's Dictionary, +apropos of the "Nancy" having run down the "Sarah Jane", or Mr. Peggotty +and the Yarmouth boatmen having put off in a gale of wind with an anchor +and cable to the "Nelson" Indiaman in distress; and you shall go there +another day, and find them deep in the evidence, pro and con, respecting +a clergyman who has misbehaved himself; and you shall find the judge +in the nautical case, the advocate in the clergyman's case, or +contrariwise. They are like actors: now a man's a judge, and now he is +not a judge; now he's one thing, now he's another; now he's something +else, change and change about; but it's always a very pleasant, +profitable little affair of private theatricals, presented to an +uncommonly select audience.' + +'But advocates and proctors are not one and the same?' said I, a little +puzzled. 'Are they?' + +'No,' returned Steerforth, 'the advocates are civilians--men who have +taken a doctor's degree at college--which is the first reason of my +knowing anything about it. The proctors employ the advocates. Both get +very comfortable fees, and altogether they make a mighty snug little +party. On the whole, I would recommend you to take to Doctors' Commons +kindly, David. They plume them-selves on their gentility there, I can +tell you, if that's any satisfaction.' + +I made allowance for Steerforth's light way of treating the subject, +and, considering it with reference to the staid air of gravity and +antiquity which I associated with that 'lazy old nook near St. Paul's +Churchyard', did not feel indisposed towards my aunt's suggestion; which +she left to my free decision, making no scruple of telling me that it +had occurred to her, on her lately visiting her own proctor in Doctors' +Commons for the purpose of settling her will in my favour. + +'That's a laudable proceeding on the part of our aunt, at all events,' +said Steerforth, when I mentioned it; 'and one deserving of all +encouragement. Daisy, my advice is that you take kindly to Doctors' +Commons.' + +I quite made up my mind to do so. I then told Steerforth that my aunt +was in town awaiting me (as I found from her letter), and that she had +taken lodgings for a week at a kind of private hotel at Lincoln's Inn +Fields, where there was a stone staircase, and a convenient door in +the roof; my aunt being firmly persuaded that every house in London was +going to be burnt down every night. + +We achieved the rest of our journey pleasantly, sometimes recurring to +Doctors' Commons, and anticipating the distant days when I should be a +proctor there, which Steerforth pictured in a variety of humorous and +whimsical lights, that made us both merry. When we came to our journey's +end, he went home, engaging to call upon me next day but one; and I +drove to Lincoln's Inn Fields, where I found my aunt up, and waiting +supper. + +If I had been round the world since we parted, we could hardly have been +better pleased to meet again. My aunt cried outright as she embraced me; +and said, pretending to laugh, that if my poor mother had been alive, +that silly little creature would have shed tears, she had no doubt. + +'So you have left Mr. Dick behind, aunt?' said I. 'I am sorry for that. +Ah, Janet, how do you do?' + +As Janet curtsied, hoping I was well, I observed my aunt's visage +lengthen very much. + +'I am sorry for it, too,' said my aunt, rubbing her nose. 'I have had +no peace of mind, Trot, since I have been here.' Before I could ask why, +she told me. + +'I am convinced,' said my aunt, laying her hand with melancholy firmness +on the table, 'that Dick's character is not a character to keep the +donkeys off. I am confident he wants strength of purpose. I ought to +have left Janet at home, instead, and then my mind might perhaps have +been at ease. If ever there was a donkey trespassing on my green,' said +my aunt, with emphasis, 'there was one this afternoon at four o'clock. +A cold feeling came over me from head to foot, and I know it was a +donkey!' + +I tried to comfort her on this point, but she rejected consolation. + +'It was a donkey,' said my aunt; 'and it was the one with the stumpy +tail which that Murdering sister of a woman rode, when she came to my +house.' This had been, ever since, the only name my aunt knew for Miss +Murdstone. 'If there is any Donkey in Dover, whose audacity it is harder +to me to bear than another's, that,' said my aunt, striking the table, +'is the animal!' + +Janet ventured to suggest that my aunt might be disturbing herself +unnecessarily, and that she believed the donkey in question was then +engaged in the sand-and-gravel line of business, and was not available +for purposes of trespass. But my aunt wouldn't hear of it. + +Supper was comfortably served and hot, though my aunt's rooms were very +high up--whether that she might have more stone stairs for her money, or +might be nearer to the door in the roof, I don't know--and consisted of +a roast fowl, a steak, and some vegetables, to all of which I did ample +justice, and which were all excellent. But my aunt had her own ideas +concerning London provision, and ate but little. + +'I suppose this unfortunate fowl was born and brought up in a cellar,' +said my aunt, 'and never took the air except on a hackney coach-stand. I +hope the steak may be beef, but I don't believe it. Nothing's genuine in +the place, in my opinion, but the dirt.' + +'Don't you think the fowl may have come out of the country, aunt?' I +hinted. + +'Certainly not,' returned my aunt. 'It would be no pleasure to a London +tradesman to sell anything which was what he pretended it was.' + +I did not venture to controvert this opinion, but I made a good supper, +which it greatly satisfied her to see me do. When the table was cleared, +Janet assisted her to arrange her hair, to put on her nightcap, which +was of a smarter construction than usual ('in case of fire', my aunt +said), and to fold her gown back over her knees, these being her usual +preparations for warming herself before going to bed. I then made her, +according to certain established regulations from which no deviation, +however slight, could ever be permitted, a glass of hot wine and +water, and a slice of toast cut into long thin strips. With these +accompaniments we were left alone to finish the evening, my aunt sitting +opposite to me drinking her wine and water; soaking her strips of toast +in it, one by one, before eating them; and looking benignantly on me, +from among the borders of her nightcap. + +'Well, Trot,' she began, 'what do you think of the proctor plan? Or have +you not begun to think about it yet?' + +'I have thought a good deal about it, my dear aunt, and I have talked a +good deal about it with Steerforth. I like it very much indeed. I like +it exceedingly.' + +'Come!' said my aunt. 'That's cheering!' + +'I have only one difficulty, aunt.' + +'Say what it is, Trot,' she returned. + +'Why, I want to ask, aunt, as this seems, from what I understand, to +be a limited profession, whether my entrance into it would not be very +expensive?' + +'It will cost,' returned my aunt, 'to article you, just a thousand +pounds.' + +'Now, my dear aunt,' said I, drawing my chair nearer, 'I am uneasy in +my mind about that. It's a large sum of money. You have expended a +great deal on my education, and have always been as liberal to me in all +things as it was possible to be. You have been the soul of generosity. +Surely there are some ways in which I might begin life with hardly any +outlay, and yet begin with a good hope of getting on by resolution and +exertion. Are you sure that it would not be better to try that course? +Are you certain that you can afford to part with so much money, and that +it is right that it should be so expended? I only ask you, my second +mother, to consider. Are you certain?' + +My aunt finished eating the piece of toast on which she was then +engaged, looking me full in the face all the while; and then setting +her glass on the chimney-piece, and folding her hands upon her folded +skirts, replied as follows: + +'Trot, my child, if I have any object in life, it is to provide for +your being a good, a sensible, and a happy man. I am bent upon it--so is +Dick. I should like some people that I know to hear Dick's conversation +on the subject. Its sagacity is wonderful. But no one knows the +resources of that man's intellect, except myself!' + +She stopped for a moment to take my hand between hers, and went on: + +'It's in vain, Trot, to recall the past, unless it works some influence +upon the present. Perhaps I might have been better friends with your +poor father. Perhaps I might have been better friends with that poor +child your mother, even after your sister Betsey Trotwood disappointed +me. When you came to me, a little runaway boy, all dusty and way-worn, +perhaps I thought so. From that time until now, Trot, you have ever been +a credit to me and a pride and a pleasure. I have no other claim upon +my means; at least'--here to my surprise she hesitated, and was +confused--'no, I have no other claim upon my means--and you are my +adopted child. Only be a loving child to me in my age, and bear with my +whims and fancies; and you will do more for an old woman whose prime of +life was not so happy or conciliating as it might have been, than ever +that old woman did for you.' + +It was the first time I had heard my aunt refer to her past history. +There was a magnanimity in her quiet way of doing so, and of dismissing +it, which would have exalted her in my respect and affection, if +anything could. + +'All is agreed and understood between us, now, Trot,' said my aunt, +'and we need talk of this no more. Give me a kiss, and we'll go to the +Commons after breakfast tomorrow.' + +We had a long chat by the fire before we went to bed. I slept in a room +on the same floor with my aunt's, and was a little disturbed in the +course of the night by her knocking at my door as often as she was +agitated by a distant sound of hackney-coaches or market-carts, and +inquiring, 'if I heard the engines?' But towards morning she slept +better, and suffered me to do so too. + +At about mid-day, we set out for the office of Messrs Spenlow and +Jorkins, in Doctors' Commons. My aunt, who had this other general +opinion in reference to London, that every man she saw was a pickpocket, +gave me her purse to carry for her, which had ten guineas in it and some +silver. + +We made a pause at the toy shop in Fleet Street, to see the giants of +Saint Dunstan's strike upon the bells--we had timed our going, so as to +catch them at it, at twelve o'clock--and then went on towards Ludgate +Hill, and St. Paul's Churchyard. We were crossing to the former place, +when I found that my aunt greatly accelerated her speed, and looked +frightened. I observed, at the same time, that a lowering ill-dressed +man who had stopped and stared at us in passing, a little before, was +coming so close after us as to brush against her. + +'Trot! My dear Trot!' cried my aunt, in a terrified whisper, and +pressing my arm. 'I don't know what I am to do.' + +'Don't be alarmed,' said I. 'There's nothing to be afraid of. Step into +a shop, and I'll soon get rid of this fellow.' + +'No, no, child!' she returned. 'Don't speak to him for the world. I +entreat, I order you!' + +'Good Heaven, aunt!' said I. 'He is nothing but a sturdy beggar.' + +'You don't know what he is!' replied my aunt. 'You don't know who he is! +You don't know what you say!' + +We had stopped in an empty door-way, while this was passing, and he had +stopped too. + +'Don't look at him!' said my aunt, as I turned my head indignantly, 'but +get me a coach, my dear, and wait for me in St. Paul's Churchyard.' + +'Wait for you?' I replied. + +'Yes,' rejoined my aunt. 'I must go alone. I must go with him.' + +'With him, aunt? This man?' + +'I am in my senses,' she replied, 'and I tell you I must. Get me a +coach!' + +However much astonished I might be, I was sensible that I had no right +to refuse compliance with such a peremptory command. I hurried away a +few paces, and called a hackney-chariot which was passing empty. Almost +before I could let down the steps, my aunt sprang in, I don't know how, +and the man followed. She waved her hand to me to go away, so earnestly, +that, all confounded as I was, I turned from them at once. In doing so, +I heard her say to the coachman, 'Drive anywhere! Drive straight on!' +and presently the chariot passed me, going up the hill. + +What Mr. Dick had told me, and what I had supposed to be a delusion of +his, now came into my mind. I could not doubt that this person was the +person of whom he had made such mysterious mention, though what the +nature of his hold upon my aunt could possibly be, I was quite unable +to imagine. After half an hour's cooling in the churchyard, I saw the +chariot coming back. The driver stopped beside me, and my aunt was +sitting in it alone. + +She had not yet sufficiently recovered from her agitation to be quite +prepared for the visit we had to make. She desired me to get into the +chariot, and to tell the coachman to drive slowly up and down a little +while. She said no more, except, 'My dear child, never ask me what +it was, and don't refer to it,' until she had perfectly regained her +composure, when she told me she was quite herself now, and we might get +out. On her giving me her purse to pay the driver, I found that all the +guineas were gone, and only the loose silver remained. + +Doctors' Commons was approached by a little low archway. Before we had +taken many paces down the street beyond it, the noise of the city seemed +to melt, as if by magic, into a softened distance. A few dull courts +and narrow ways brought us to the sky-lighted offices of Spenlow and +Jorkins; in the vestibule of which temple, accessible to pilgrims +without the ceremony of knocking, three or four clerks were at work as +copyists. One of these, a little dry man, sitting by himself, who wore +a stiff brown wig that looked as if it were made of gingerbread, rose to +receive my aunt, and show us into Mr. Spenlow's room. + +'Mr. Spenlow's in Court, ma'am,' said the dry man; 'it's an Arches day; +but it's close by, and I'll send for him directly.' + +As we were left to look about us while Mr. Spenlow was fetched, I +availed myself of the opportunity. The furniture of the room was +old-fashioned and dusty; and the green baize on the top of the +writing-table had lost all its colour, and was as withered and pale as +an old pauper. There were a great many bundles of papers on it, some +endorsed as Allegations, and some (to my surprise) as Libels, and some +as being in the Consistory Court, and some in the Arches Court, and some +in the Prerogative Court, and some in the Admiralty Court, and some in +the Delegates' Court; giving me occasion to wonder much, how many Courts +there might be in the gross, and how long it would take to understand +them all. Besides these, there were sundry immense manuscript Books +of Evidence taken on affidavit, strongly bound, and tied together in +massive sets, a set to each cause, as if every cause were a history in +ten or twenty volumes. All this looked tolerably expensive, I thought, +and gave me an agreeable notion of a proctor's business. I was casting +my eyes with increasing complacency over these and many similar objects, +when hasty footsteps were heard in the room outside, and Mr. Spenlow, +in a black gown trimmed with white fur, came hurrying in, taking off his +hat as he came. + +He was a little light-haired gentleman, with undeniable boots, and the +stiffest of white cravats and shirt-collars. He was buttoned up, mighty +trim and tight, and must have taken a great deal of pains with his +whiskers, which were accurately curled. His gold watch-chain was so +massive, that a fancy came across me, that he ought to have a sinewy +golden arm, to draw it out with, like those which are put up over the +goldbeaters' shops. He was got up with such care, and was so stiff, that +he could hardly bend himself; being obliged, when he glanced at some +papers on his desk, after sitting down in his chair, to move his whole +body, from the bottom of his spine, like Punch. + +I had previously been presented by my aunt, and had been courteously +received. He now said: + +'And so, Mr. Copperfield, you think of entering into our profession? +I casually mentioned to Miss Trotwood, when I had the pleasure of an +interview with her the other day,'--with another inclination of his +body--Punch again--'that there was a vacancy here. Miss Trotwood was +good enough to mention that she had a nephew who was her peculiar care, +and for whom she was seeking to provide genteelly in life. That +nephew, I believe, I have now the pleasure of'--Punch again. I bowed my +acknowledgements, and said, my aunt had mentioned to me that there was +that opening, and that I believed I should like it very much. That I was +strongly inclined to like it, and had taken immediately to the proposal. +That I could not absolutely pledge myself to like it, until I knew +something more about it. That although it was little else than a matter +of form, I presumed I should have an opportunity of trying how I liked +it, before I bound myself to it irrevocably. + +'Oh surely! surely!' said Mr. Spenlow. 'We always, in this house, +propose a month--an initiatory month. I should be happy, myself, to +propose two months--three--an indefinite period, in fact--but I have a +partner. Mr. Jorkins.' + +'And the premium, sir,' I returned, 'is a thousand pounds?' + +'And the premium, Stamp included, is a thousand pounds,' said Mr. +Spenlow. 'As I have mentioned to Miss Trotwood, I am actuated by no +mercenary considerations; few men are less so, I believe; but Mr. +Jorkins has his opinions on these subjects, and I am bound to respect +Mr. Jorkins's opinions. Mr. Jorkins thinks a thousand pounds too little, +in short.' + +'I suppose, sir,' said I, still desiring to spare my aunt, 'that it is +not the custom here, if an articled clerk were particularly useful, +and made himself a perfect master of his profession'--I could not help +blushing, this looked so like praising myself--'I suppose it is not the +custom, in the later years of his time, to allow him any--' + +Mr. Spenlow, by a great effort, just lifted his head far enough out of +his cravat to shake it, and answered, anticipating the word 'salary': + +'No. I will not say what consideration I might give to that point +myself, Mr. Copperfield, if I were unfettered. Mr. Jorkins is +immovable.' + +I was quite dismayed by the idea of this terrible Jorkins. But I found +out afterwards that he was a mild man of a heavy temperament, whose +place in the business was to keep himself in the background, and be +constantly exhibited by name as the most obdurate and ruthless of men. +If a clerk wanted his salary raised, Mr. Jorkins wouldn't listen to such +a proposition. If a client were slow to settle his bill of costs, Mr. +Jorkins was resolved to have it paid; and however painful these things +might be (and always were) to the feelings of Mr. Spenlow, Mr. Jorkins +would have his bond. The heart and hand of the good angel Spenlow would +have been always open, but for the restraining demon Jorkins. As I have +grown older, I think I have had experience of some other houses doing +business on the principle of Spenlow and Jorkins! + +It was settled that I should begin my month's probation as soon as I +pleased, and that my aunt need neither remain in town nor return at +its expiration, as the articles of agreement, of which I was to be the +subject, could easily be sent to her at home for her signature. When +we had got so far, Mr. Spenlow offered to take me into Court then and +there, and show me what sort of place it was. As I was willing enough +to know, we went out with this object, leaving my aunt behind; who would +trust herself, she said, in no such place, and who, I think, regarded +all Courts of Law as a sort of powder-mills that might blow up at any +time. + +Mr. Spenlow conducted me through a paved courtyard formed of grave brick +houses, which I inferred, from the Doctors' names upon the doors, to be +the official abiding-places of the learned advocates of whom Steerforth +had told me; and into a large dull room, not unlike a chapel to my +thinking, on the left hand. The upper part of this room was fenced off +from the rest; and there, on the two sides of a raised platform of the +horse-shoe form, sitting on easy old-fashioned dining-room chairs, were +sundry gentlemen in red gowns and grey wigs, whom I found to be the +Doctors aforesaid. Blinking over a little desk like a pulpit-desk, in +the curve of the horse-shoe, was an old gentleman, whom, if I had seen +him in an aviary, I should certainly have taken for an owl, but who, I +learned, was the presiding judge. In the space within the horse-shoe, +lower than these, that is to say, on about the level of the floor, were +sundry other gentlemen, of Mr. Spenlow's rank, and dressed like him in +black gowns with white fur upon them, sitting at a long green table. +Their cravats were in general stiff, I thought, and their looks haughty; +but in this last respect I presently conceived I had done them an +injustice, for when two or three of them had to rise and answer a +question of the presiding dignitary, I never saw anything more sheepish. +The public, represented by a boy with a comforter, and a shabby-genteel +man secretly eating crumbs out of his coat pockets, was warming itself +at a stove in the centre of the Court. The languid stillness of the +place was only broken by the chirping of this fire and by the voice of +one of the Doctors, who was wandering slowly through a perfect library +of evidence, and stopping to put up, from time to time, at little +roadside inns of argument on the journey. Altogether, I have never, +on any occasion, made one at such a cosey, dosey, old-fashioned, +time-forgotten, sleepy-headed little family-party in all my life; and +I felt it would be quite a soothing opiate to belong to it in any +character--except perhaps as a suitor. + +Very well satisfied with the dreamy nature of this retreat, I informed +Mr. Spenlow that I had seen enough for that time, and we rejoined +my aunt; in company with whom I presently departed from the Commons, +feeling very young when I went out of Spenlow and Jorkins's, on account +of the clerks poking one another with their pens to point me out. + +We arrived at Lincoln's Inn Fields without any new adventures, except +encountering an unlucky donkey in a costermonger's cart, who suggested +painful associations to my aunt. We had another long talk about my +plans, when we were safely housed; and as I knew she was anxious to +get home, and, between fire, food, and pickpockets, could never be +considered at her ease for half-an-hour in London, I urged her not to be +uncomfortable on my account, but to leave me to take care of myself. + +'I have not been here a week tomorrow, without considering that too, my +dear,' she returned. 'There is a furnished little set of chambers to be +let in the Adelphi, Trot, which ought to suit you to a marvel.' + +With this brief introduction, she produced from her pocket an +advertisement, carefully cut out of a newspaper, setting forth that in +Buckingham Street in the Adelphi there was to be let furnished, with a +view of the river, a singularly desirable, and compact set of chambers, +forming a genteel residence for a young gentleman, a member of one +of the Inns of Court, or otherwise, with immediate possession. Terms +moderate, and could be taken for a month only, if required. + +'Why, this is the very thing, aunt!' said I, flushed with the possible +dignity of living in chambers. + +'Then come,' replied my aunt, immediately resuming the bonnet she had a +minute before laid aside. 'We'll go and look at 'em.' + +Away we went. The advertisement directed us to apply to Mrs. Crupp +on the premises, and we rung the area bell, which we supposed to +communicate with Mrs. Crupp. It was not until we had rung three or four +times that we could prevail on Mrs. Crupp to communicate with us, but +at last she appeared, being a stout lady with a flounce of flannel +petticoat below a nankeen gown. + +'Let us see these chambers of yours, if you please, ma'am,' said my +aunt. + +'For this gentleman?' said Mrs. Crupp, feeling in her pocket for her +keys. + +'Yes, for my nephew,' said my aunt. + +'And a sweet set they is for sich!' said Mrs. Crupp. + +So we went upstairs. + +They were on the top of the house--a great point with my aunt, being +near the fire-escape--and consisted of a little half-blind entry where +you could see hardly anything, a little stone-blind pantry where you +could see nothing at all, a sitting-room, and a bedroom. The furniture +was rather faded, but quite good enough for me; and, sure enough, the +river was outside the windows. + +As I was delighted with the place, my aunt and Mrs. Crupp withdrew into +the pantry to discuss the terms, while I remained on the sitting-room +sofa, hardly daring to think it possible that I could be destined to +live in such a noble residence. After a single combat of some duration +they returned, and I saw, to my joy, both in Mrs. Crupp's countenance +and in my aunt's, that the deed was done. + +'Is it the last occupant's furniture?' inquired my aunt. + +'Yes, it is, ma'am,' said Mrs. Crupp. + +'What's become of him?' asked my aunt. + +Mrs. Crupp was taken with a troublesome cough, in the midst of which +she articulated with much difficulty. 'He was took ill here, ma'am, +and--ugh! ugh! ugh! dear me!--and he died!' + +'Hey! What did he die of?' asked my aunt. + +'Well, ma'am, he died of drink,' said Mrs. Crupp, in confidence. 'And +smoke.' + +'Smoke? You don't mean chimneys?' said my aunt. + +'No, ma'am,' returned Mrs. Crupp. 'Cigars and pipes.' + +'That's not catching, Trot, at any rate,' remarked my aunt, turning to +me. + +'No, indeed,' said I. + +In short, my aunt, seeing how enraptured I was with the premises, took +them for a month, with leave to remain for twelve months when that +time was out. Mrs. Crupp was to find linen, and to cook; every other +necessary was already provided; and Mrs. Crupp expressly intimated that +she should always yearn towards me as a son. I was to take possession +the day after tomorrow, and Mrs. Crupp said, thank Heaven she had now +found summun she could care for! + +On our way back, my aunt informed me how she confidently trusted that +the life I was now to lead would make me firm and self-reliant, which +was all I wanted. She repeated this several times next day, in the +intervals of our arranging for the transmission of my clothes and books +from Mr. Wickfield's; relative to which, and to all my late holiday, I +wrote a long letter to Agnes, of which my aunt took charge, as she was +to leave on the succeeding day. Not to lengthen these particulars, I +need only add, that she made a handsome provision for all my +possible wants during my month of trial; that Steerforth, to my great +disappointment and hers too, did not make his appearance before she went +away; that I saw her safely seated in the Dover coach, exulting in the +coming discomfiture of the vagrant donkeys, with Janet at her side; and +that when the coach was gone, I turned my face to the Adelphi, pondering +on the old days when I used to roam about its subterranean arches, and +on the happy changes which had brought me to the surface. + + + +CHAPTER 24. MY FIRST DISSIPATION + + +It was a wonderfully fine thing to have that lofty castle to myself, and +to feel, when I shut my outer door, like Robinson Crusoe, when he had +got into his fortification, and pulled his ladder up after him. It was a +wonderfully fine thing to walk about town with the key of my house in my +pocket, and to know that I could ask any fellow to come home, and make +quite sure of its being inconvenient to nobody, if it were not so to me. +It was a wonderfully fine thing to let myself in and out, and to come +and go without a word to anyone, and to ring Mrs. Crupp up, gasping, +from the depths of the earth, when I wanted her--and when she was +disposed to come. All this, I say, was wonderfully fine; but I must say, +too, that there were times when it was very dreary. + +It was fine in the morning, particularly in the fine mornings. It looked +a very fresh, free life, by daylight: still fresher, and more free, by +sunlight. But as the day declined, the life seemed to go down too. I +don't know how it was; it seldom looked well by candle-light. I wanted +somebody to talk to, then. I missed Agnes. I found a tremendous blank, +in the place of that smiling repository of my confidence. Mrs. Crupp +appeared to be a long way off. I thought about my predecessor, who had +died of drink and smoke; and I could have wished he had been so good as +to live, and not bother me with his decease. + +After two days and nights, I felt as if I had lived there for a year, +and yet I was not an hour older, but was quite as much tormented by my +own youthfulness as ever. + +Steerforth not yet appearing, which induced me to apprehend that he must +be ill, I left the Commons early on the third day, and walked out to +Highgate. Mrs. Steerforth was very glad to see me, and said that he had +gone away with one of his Oxford friends to see another who lived near +St. Albans, but that she expected him to return tomorrow. I was so fond +of him, that I felt quite jealous of his Oxford friends. + +As she pressed me to stay to dinner, I remained, and I believe we talked +about nothing but him all day. I told her how much the people liked him +at Yarmouth, and what a delightful companion he had been. Miss Dartle +was full of hints and mysterious questions, but took a great interest +in all our proceedings there, and said, 'Was it really though?' and so +forth, so often, that she got everything out of me she wanted to know. +Her appearance was exactly what I have described it, when I first saw +her; but the society of the two ladies was so agreeable, and came so +natural to me, that I felt myself falling a little in love with her. I +could not help thinking, several times in the course of the evening, and +particularly when I walked home at night, what delightful company she +would be in Buckingham Street. + +I was taking my coffee and roll in the morning, before going to the +Commons--and I may observe in this place that it is surprising how +much coffee Mrs. Crupp used, and how weak it was, considering--when +Steerforth himself walked in, to my unbounded joy. + +'My dear Steerforth,' cried I, 'I began to think I should never see you +again!' + +'I was carried off, by force of arms,' said Steerforth, 'the very next +morning after I got home. Why, Daisy, what a rare old bachelor you are +here!' + +I showed him over the establishment, not omitting the pantry, with no +little pride, and he commended it highly. 'I tell you what, old boy,' he +added, 'I shall make quite a town-house of this place, unless you give +me notice to quit.' + +This was a delightful hearing. I told him if he waited for that, he +would have to wait till doomsday. + +'But you shall have some breakfast!' said I, with my hand on the +bell-rope, 'and Mrs. Crupp shall make you some fresh coffee, and I'll +toast you some bacon in a bachelor's Dutch-oven, that I have got here.' + +'No, no!' said Steerforth. 'Don't ring! I can't! I am going to breakfast +with one of these fellows who is at the Piazza Hotel, in Covent Garden.' + +'But you'll come back to dinner?' said I. + +'I can't, upon my life. There's nothing I should like better, but I must +remain with these two fellows. We are all three off together tomorrow +morning.' + +'Then bring them here to dinner,' I returned. 'Do you think they would +come?' + +'Oh! they would come fast enough,' said Steerforth; 'but we should +inconvenience you. You had better come and dine with us somewhere.' + +I would not by any means consent to this, for it occurred to me that I +really ought to have a little house-warming, and that there never +could be a better opportunity. I had a new pride in my rooms after +his approval of them, and burned with a desire to develop their utmost +resources. I therefore made him promise positively in the names of his +two friends, and we appointed six o'clock as the dinner-hour. + +When he was gone, I rang for Mrs. Crupp, and acquainted her with my +desperate design. Mrs. Crupp said, in the first place, of course it was +well known she couldn't be expected to wait, but she knew a handy young +man, who she thought could be prevailed upon to do it, and whose terms +would be five shillings, and what I pleased. I said, certainly we would +have him. Next Mrs. Crupp said it was clear she couldn't be in two +places at once (which I felt to be reasonable), and that 'a young gal' +stationed in the pantry with a bedroom candle, there never to desist +from washing plates, would be indispensable. I said, what would be +the expense of this young female? and Mrs. Crupp said she supposed +eighteenpence would neither make me nor break me. I said I supposed not; +and THAT was settled. Then Mrs. Crupp said, Now about the dinner. + +It was a remarkable instance of want of forethought on the part of the +ironmonger who had made Mrs. Crupp's kitchen fireplace, that it was +capable of cooking nothing but chops and mashed potatoes. As to a +fish-kittle, Mrs. Crupp said, well! would I only come and look at the +range? She couldn't say fairer than that. Would I come and look at +it? As I should not have been much the wiser if I HAD looked at it, I +declined, and said, 'Never mind fish.' But Mrs. Crupp said, Don't say +that; oysters was in, why not them? So THAT was settled. Mrs. Crupp +then said what she would recommend would be this. A pair of hot +roast fowls--from the pastry-cook's; a dish of stewed beef, with +vegetables--from the pastry-cook's; two little corner things, as a +raised pie and a dish of kidneys--from the pastrycook's; a tart, and (if +I liked) a shape of jelly--from the pastrycook's. This, Mrs. Crupp said, +would leave her at full liberty to concentrate her mind on the potatoes, +and to serve up the cheese and celery as she could wish to see it done. + +I acted on Mrs. Crupp's opinion, and gave the order at the pastry-cook's +myself. Walking along the Strand, afterwards, and observing a hard +mottled substance in the window of a ham and beef shop, which resembled +marble, but was labelled 'Mock Turtle', I went in and bought a slab of +it, which I have since seen reason to believe would have sufficed for +fifteen people. This preparation, Mrs. Crupp, after some difficulty, +consented to warm up; and it shrunk so much in a liquid state, that we +found it what Steerforth called 'rather a tight fit' for four. + +These preparations happily completed, I bought a little dessert in +Covent Garden Market, and gave a rather extensive order at a retail +wine-merchant's in that vicinity. When I came home in the afternoon, and +saw the bottles drawn up in a square on the pantry floor, they looked +so numerous (though there were two missing, which made Mrs. Crupp very +uncomfortable), that I was absolutely frightened at them. + +One of Steerforth's friends was named Grainger, and the other Markham. +They were both very gay and lively fellows; Grainger, something older +than Steerforth; Markham, youthful-looking, and I should say not +more than twenty. I observed that the latter always spoke of himself +indefinitely, as 'a man', and seldom or never in the first person +singular. + +'A man might get on very well here, Mr. Copperfield,' said +Markham--meaning himself. + +'It's not a bad situation,' said I, 'and the rooms are really +commodious.' + +'I hope you have both brought appetites with you?' said Steerforth. + +'Upon my honour,' returned Markham, 'town seems to sharpen a man's +appetite. A man is hungry all day long. A man is perpetually eating.' + +Being a little embarrassed at first, and feeling much too young to +preside, I made Steerforth take the head of the table when dinner was +announced, and seated myself opposite to him. Everything was very good; +we did not spare the wine; and he exerted himself so brilliantly to make +the thing pass off well, that there was no pause in our festivity. I was +not quite such good company during dinner as I could have wished to be, +for my chair was opposite the door, and my attention was distracted by +observing that the handy young man went out of the room very often, and +that his shadow always presented itself, immediately afterwards, on the +wall of the entry, with a bottle at its mouth. The 'young gal' likewise +occasioned me some uneasiness: not so much by neglecting to wash the +plates, as by breaking them. For being of an inquisitive disposition, +and unable to confine herself (as her positive instructions were) to the +pantry, she was constantly peering in at us, and constantly imagining +herself detected; in which belief, she several times retired upon the +plates (with which she had carefully paved the floor), and did a great +deal of destruction. + +These, however, were small drawbacks, and easily forgotten when the +cloth was cleared, and the dessert put on the table; at which period of +the entertainment the handy young man was discovered to be speechless. +Giving him private directions to seek the society of Mrs. Crupp, and +to remove the 'young gal' to the basement also, I abandoned myself to +enjoyment. + +I began, by being singularly cheerful and light-hearted; all sorts of +half-forgotten things to talk about, came rushing into my mind, and made +me hold forth in a most unwonted manner. I laughed heartily at my own +jokes, and everybody else's; called Steerforth to order for not passing +the wine; made several engagements to go to Oxford; announced that +I meant to have a dinner-party exactly like that, once a week, until +further notice; and madly took so much snuff out of Grainger's box, that +I was obliged to go into the pantry, and have a private fit of sneezing +ten minutes long. + +I went on, by passing the wine faster and faster yet, and continually +starting up with a corkscrew to open more wine, long before any was +needed. I proposed Steerforth's health. I said he was my dearest friend, +the protector of my boyhood, and the companion of my prime. I said I was +delighted to propose his health. I said I owed him more obligations than +I could ever repay, and held him in a higher admiration than I could +ever express. I finished by saying, 'I'll give you Steerforth! God bless +him! Hurrah!' We gave him three times three, and another, and a good one +to finish with. I broke my glass in going round the table to shake +hands with him, and I said (in two words) + +'Steerforth--you'retheguidingstarofmyexistence.' + +I went on, by finding suddenly that somebody was in the middle of a +song. Markham was the singer, and he sang 'When the heart of a man is +depressed with care'. He said, when he had sung it, he would give us +'Woman!' I took objection to that, and I couldn't allow it. I said +it was not a respectful way of proposing the toast, and I would never +permit that toast to be drunk in my house otherwise than as 'The +Ladies!' I was very high with him, mainly I think because I saw +Steerforth and Grainger laughing at me--or at him--or at both of us. He +said a man was not to be dictated to. I said a man was. He said a man +was not to be insulted, then. I said he was right there--never under +my roof, where the Lares were sacred, and the laws of hospitality +paramount. He said it was no derogation from a man's dignity to confess +that I was a devilish good fellow. I instantly proposed his health. + +Somebody was smoking. We were all smoking. I was smoking, and trying +to suppress a rising tendency to shudder. Steerforth had made a speech +about me, in the course of which I had been affected almost to tears. +I returned thanks, and hoped the present company would dine with me +tomorrow, and the day after--each day at five o'clock, that we might +enjoy the pleasures of conversation and society through a long evening. +I felt called upon to propose an individual. I would give them my aunt. +Miss Betsey Trotwood, the best of her sex! + +Somebody was leaning out of my bedroom window, refreshing his forehead +against the cool stone of the parapet, and feeling the air upon his +face. It was myself. I was addressing myself as 'Copperfield', and +saying, 'Why did you try to smoke? You might have known you couldn't +do it.' Now, somebody was unsteadily contemplating his features in the +looking-glass. That was I too. I was very pale in the looking-glass; +my eyes had a vacant appearance; and my hair--only my hair, nothing +else--looked drunk. + +Somebody said to me, 'Let us go to the theatre, Copperfield!' There was +no bedroom before me, but again the jingling table covered with glasses; +the lamp; Grainger on my right hand, Markham on my left, and Steerforth +opposite--all sitting in a mist, and a long way off. The theatre? To +be sure. The very thing. Come along! But they must excuse me if I saw +everybody out first, and turned the lamp off--in case of fire. + +Owing to some confusion in the dark, the door was gone. I was feeling +for it in the window-curtains, when Steerforth, laughing, took me by +the arm and led me out. We went downstairs, one behind another. Near +the bottom, somebody fell, and rolled down. Somebody else said it was +Copperfield. I was angry at that false report, until, finding myself on +my back in the passage, I began to think there might be some foundation +for it. + +A very foggy night, with great rings round the lamps in the streets! +There was an indistinct talk of its being wet. I considered it frosty. +Steerforth dusted me under a lamp-post, and put my hat into shape, which +somebody produced from somewhere in a most extraordinary manner, for +I hadn't had it on before. Steerforth then said, 'You are all right, +Copperfield, are you not?' and I told him, 'Neverberrer.' + +A man, sitting in a pigeon-hole-place, looked out of the fog, and took +money from somebody, inquiring if I was one of the gentlemen paid for, +and appearing rather doubtful (as I remember in the glimpse I had of +him) whether to take the money for me or not. Shortly afterwards, we +were very high up in a very hot theatre, looking down into a large pit, +that seemed to me to smoke; the people with whom it was crammed were so +indistinct. There was a great stage, too, looking very clean and +smooth after the streets; and there were people upon it, talking about +something or other, but not at all intelligibly. There was an abundance +of bright lights, and there was music, and there were ladies down in the +boxes, and I don't know what more. The whole building looked to me as if +it were learning to swim; it conducted itself in such an unaccountable +manner, when I tried to steady it. + +On somebody's motion, we resolved to go downstairs to the dress-boxes, +where the ladies were. A gentleman lounging, full dressed, on a sofa, +with an opera-glass in his hand, passed before my view, and also my own +figure at full length in a glass. Then I was being ushered into one of +these boxes, and found myself saying something as I sat down, and people +about me crying 'Silence!' to somebody, and ladies casting indignant +glances at me, and--what! yes!--Agnes, sitting on the seat before me, in +the same box, with a lady and gentleman beside her, whom I didn't +know. I see her face now, better than I did then, I dare say, with its +indelible look of regret and wonder turned upon me. + +'Agnes!' I said, thickly, 'Lorblessmer! Agnes!' + +'Hush! Pray!' she answered, I could not conceive why. 'You disturb the +company. Look at the stage!' + +I tried, on her injunction, to fix it, and to hear something of what was +going on there, but quite in vain. I looked at her again by and by, and +saw her shrink into her corner, and put her gloved hand to her forehead. + +'Agnes!' I said. 'I'mafraidyou'renorwell.' + +'Yes, yes. Do not mind me, Trotwood,' she returned. 'Listen! Are you +going away soon?' + +'Amigoarawaysoo?' I repeated. + +'Yes.' + +I had a stupid intention of replying that I was going to wait, to hand +her downstairs. I suppose I expressed it, somehow; for after she had +looked at me attentively for a little while, she appeared to understand, +and replied in a low tone: + +'I know you will do as I ask you, if I tell you I am very earnest in +it. Go away now, Trotwood, for my sake, and ask your friends to take you +home.' + +She had so far improved me, for the time, that though I was angry with +her, I felt ashamed, and with a short 'Goori!' (which I intended for +'Good night!') got up and went away. They followed, and I stepped at +once out of the box-door into my bedroom, where only Steerforth was with +me, helping me to undress, and where I was by turns telling him that +Agnes was my sister, and adjuring him to bring the corkscrew, that I +might open another bottle of wine. + +How somebody, lying in my bed, lay saying and doing all this over again, +at cross purposes, in a feverish dream all night--the bed a rocking sea +that was never still! How, as that somebody slowly settled down into +myself, did I begin to parch, and feel as if my outer covering of skin +were a hard board; my tongue the bottom of an empty kettle, furred with +long service, and burning up over a slow fire; the palms of my hands, +hot plates of metal which no ice could cool! + +But the agony of mind, the remorse, and shame I felt when I became +conscious next day! My horror of having committed a thousand offences I +had forgotten, and which nothing could ever expiate--my recollection +of that indelible look which Agnes had given me--the torturing +impossibility of communicating with her, not knowing, Beast that I was, +how she came to be in London, or where she stayed--my disgust of +the very sight of the room where the revel had been held--my racking +head--the smell of smoke, the sight of glasses, the impossibility of +going out, or even getting up! Oh, what a day it was! + +Oh, what an evening, when I sat down by my fire to a basin of mutton +broth, dimpled all over with fat, and thought I was going the way of my +predecessor, and should succeed to his dismal story as well as to his +chambers, and had half a mind to rush express to Dover and reveal +all! What an evening, when Mrs. Crupp, coming in to take away the +broth-basin, produced one kidney on a cheese-plate as the entire remains +of yesterday's feast, and I was really inclined to fall upon her nankeen +breast and say, in heartfelt penitence, 'Oh, Mrs. Crupp, Mrs. Crupp, +never mind the broken meats! I am very miserable!'--only that I doubted, +even at that pass, if Mrs. Crupp were quite the sort of woman to confide +in! + + +CHAPTER 25. GOOD AND BAD ANGELS + + +I was going out at my door on the morning after that deplorable day of +headache, sickness, and repentance, with an odd confusion in my mind +relative to the date of my dinner-party, as if a body of Titans had +taken an enormous lever and pushed the day before yesterday some months +back, when I saw a ticket-porter coming upstairs, with a letter in his +hand. He was taking his time about his errand, then; but when he saw me +on the top of the staircase, looking at him over the banisters, he swung +into a trot, and came up panting as if he had run himself into a state +of exhaustion. + +'T. Copperfield, Esquire,' said the ticket-porter, touching his hat with +his little cane. + +I could scarcely lay claim to the name: I was so disturbed by the +conviction that the letter came from Agnes. However, I told him I was T. +Copperfield, Esquire, and he believed it, and gave me the letter, which +he said required an answer. I shut him out on the landing to wait for +the answer, and went into my chambers again, in such a nervous state +that I was fain to lay the letter down on my breakfast table, and +familiarize myself with the outside of it a little, before I could +resolve to break the seal. + +I found, when I did open it, that it was a very kind note, containing +no reference to my condition at the theatre. All it said was, 'My dear +Trotwood. I am staying at the house of papa's agent, Mr. Waterbrook, in +Ely Place, Holborn. Will you come and see me today, at any time you like +to appoint? Ever yours affectionately, AGNES.' + +It took me such a long time to write an answer at all to my +satisfaction, that I don't know what the ticket-porter can have +thought, unless he thought I was learning to write. I must have written +half-a-dozen answers at least. I began one, 'How can I ever hope, +my dear Agnes, to efface from your remembrance the disgusting +impression'--there I didn't like it, and then I tore it up. I began +another, 'Shakespeare has observed, my dear Agnes, how strange it is +that a man should put an enemy into his mouth'--that reminded me of +Markham, and it got no farther. I even tried poetry. I began one note, +in a six-syllable line, 'Oh, do not remember'--but that associated +itself with the fifth of November, and became an absurdity. After many +attempts, I wrote, 'My dear Agnes. Your letter is like you, and what +could I say of it that would be higher praise than that? I will come at +four o'clock. Affectionately and sorrowfully, T.C.' With this missive +(which I was in twenty minds at once about recalling, as soon as it was +out of my hands), the ticket-porter at last departed. + +If the day were half as tremendous to any other professional gentleman +in Doctors' Commons as it was to me, I sincerely believe he made some +expiation for his share in that rotten old ecclesiastical cheese. +Although I left the office at half past three, and was prowling about +the place of appointment within a few minutes afterwards, the appointed +time was exceeded by a full quarter of an hour, according to the +clock of St. Andrew's, Holborn, before I could muster up sufficient +desperation to pull the private bell-handle let into the left-hand +door-post of Mr. Waterbrook's house. + +The professional business of Mr. Waterbrook's establishment was done on +the ground-floor, and the genteel business (of which there was a good +deal) in the upper part of the building. I was shown into a pretty but +rather close drawing-room, and there sat Agnes, netting a purse. + +She looked so quiet and good, and reminded me so strongly of my airy +fresh school days at Canterbury, and the sodden, smoky, stupid wretch +I had been the other night, that, nobody being by, I yielded to my +self-reproach and shame, and--in short, made a fool of myself. I cannot +deny that I shed tears. To this hour I am undecided whether it was upon +the whole the wisest thing I could have done, or the most ridiculous. + +'If it had been anyone but you, Agnes,' said I, turning away my head, 'I +should not have minded it half so much. But that it should have been you +who saw me! I almost wish I had been dead, first.' + +She put her hand--its touch was like no other hand--upon my arm for a +moment; and I felt so befriended and comforted, that I could not help +moving it to my lips, and gratefully kissing it. + +'Sit down,' said Agnes, cheerfully. 'Don't be unhappy, Trotwood. If you +cannot confidently trust me, whom will you trust?' + +'Ah, Agnes!' I returned. 'You are my good Angel!' + +She smiled rather sadly, I thought, and shook her head. + +'Yes, Agnes, my good Angel! Always my good Angel!' + +'If I were, indeed, Trotwood,' she returned, 'there is one thing that I +should set my heart on very much.' + +I looked at her inquiringly; but already with a foreknowledge of her +meaning. + +'On warning you,' said Agnes, with a steady glance, 'against your bad +Angel.' + +'My dear Agnes,' I began, 'if you mean Steerforth--' + +'I do, Trotwood,' she returned. 'Then, Agnes, you wrong him very much. +He my bad Angel, or anyone's! He, anything but a guide, a support, and +a friend to me! My dear Agnes! Now, is it not unjust, and unlike you, to +judge him from what you saw of me the other night?' + +'I do not judge him from what I saw of you the other night,' she quietly +replied. + +'From what, then?' + +'From many things--trifles in themselves, but they do not seem to me to +be so, when they are put together. I judge him, partly from your account +of him, Trotwood, and your character, and the influence he has over +you.' + +There was always something in her modest voice that seemed to touch a +chord within me, answering to that sound alone. It was always earnest; +but when it was very earnest, as it was now, there was a thrill in it +that quite subdued me. I sat looking at her as she cast her eyes down on +her work; I sat seeming still to listen to her; and Steerforth, in spite +of all my attachment to him, darkened in that tone. + +'It is very bold in me,' said Agnes, looking up again, 'who have lived +in such seclusion, and can know so little of the world, to give you my +advice so confidently, or even to have this strong opinion. But I know +in what it is engendered, Trotwood,--in how true a remembrance of our +having grown up together, and in how true an interest in all relating +to you. It is that which makes me bold. I am certain that what I say is +right. I am quite sure it is. I feel as if it were someone else speaking +to you, and not I, when I caution you that you have made a dangerous +friend.' + +Again I looked at her, again I listened to her after she was silent, and +again his image, though it was still fixed in my heart, darkened. + +'I am not so unreasonable as to expect,' said Agnes, resuming her usual +tone, after a little while, 'that you will, or that you can, at once, +change any sentiment that has become a conviction to you; least of all +a sentiment that is rooted in your trusting disposition. You ought not +hastily to do that. I only ask you, Trotwood, if you ever think of me--I +mean,' with a quiet smile, for I was going to interrupt her, and she +knew why, 'as often as you think of me--to think of what I have said. Do +you forgive me for all this?' + +'I will forgive you, Agnes,' I replied, 'when you come to do Steerforth +justice, and to like him as well as I do.' + +'Not until then?' said Agnes. + +I saw a passing shadow on her face when I made this mention of him, but +she returned my smile, and we were again as unreserved in our mutual +confidence as of old. + +'And when, Agnes,' said I, 'will you forgive me the other night?' + +'When I recall it,' said Agnes. + +She would have dismissed the subject so, but I was too full of it to +allow that, and insisted on telling her how it happened that I had +disgraced myself, and what chain of accidental circumstances had had the +theatre for its final link. It was a great relief to me to do this, and +to enlarge on the obligation that I owed to Steerforth for his care of +me when I was unable to take care of myself. + +'You must not forget,' said Agnes, calmly changing the conversation as +soon as I had concluded, 'that you are always to tell me, not only when +you fall into trouble, but when you fall in love. Who has succeeded to +Miss Larkins, Trotwood?' + +'No one, Agnes.' + +'Someone, Trotwood,' said Agnes, laughing, and holding up her finger. + +'No, Agnes, upon my word! There is a lady, certainly, at Mrs. +Steerforth's house, who is very clever, and whom I like to talk to--Miss +Dartle--but I don't adore her.' + +Agnes laughed again at her own penetration, and told me that if I were +faithful to her in my confidence she thought she should keep a little +register of my violent attachments, with the date, duration, and +termination of each, like the table of the reigns of the kings and +queens, in the History of England. Then she asked me if I had seen +Uriah. + +'Uriah Heep?' said I. 'No. Is he in London?' + +'He comes to the office downstairs, every day,' returned Agnes. 'He +was in London a week before me. I am afraid on disagreeable business, +Trotwood.' + +'On some business that makes you uneasy, Agnes, I see,' said I. 'What +can that be?' + +Agnes laid aside her work, and replied, folding her hands upon one +another, and looking pensively at me out of those beautiful soft eyes of +hers: + +'I believe he is going to enter into partnership with papa.' + +'What? Uriah? That mean, fawning fellow, worm himself into such +promotion!' I cried, indignantly. 'Have you made no remonstrance about +it, Agnes? Consider what a connexion it is likely to be. You must speak +out. You must not allow your father to take such a mad step. You must +prevent it, Agnes, while there's time.' + +Still looking at me, Agnes shook her head while I was speaking, with a +faint smile at my warmth: and then replied: + +'You remember our last conversation about papa? It was not long after +that--not more than two or three days--when he gave me the first +intimation of what I tell you. It was sad to see him struggling between +his desire to represent it to me as a matter of choice on his part, +and his inability to conceal that it was forced upon him. I felt very +sorry.' + +'Forced upon him, Agnes! Who forces it upon him?' + +'Uriah,' she replied, after a moment's hesitation, 'has made himself +indispensable to papa. He is subtle and watchful. He has mastered papa's +weaknesses, fostered them, and taken advantage of them, until--to say +all that I mean in a word, Trotwood,--until papa is afraid of him.' + +There was more that she might have said; more that she knew, or that she +suspected; I clearly saw. I could not give her pain by asking what it +was, for I knew that she withheld it from me, to spare her father. It +had long been going on to this, I was sensible: yes, I could not but +feel, on the least reflection, that it had been going on to this for a +long time. I remained silent. + +'His ascendancy over papa,' said Agnes, 'is very great. He professes +humility and gratitude--with truth, perhaps: I hope so--but his position +is really one of power, and I fear he makes a hard use of his power.' + +I said he was a hound, which, at the moment, was a great satisfaction to +me. + +'At the time I speak of, as the time when papa spoke to me,' pursued +Agnes, 'he had told papa that he was going away; that he was very sorry, +and unwilling to leave, but that he had better prospects. Papa was very +much depressed then, and more bowed down by care than ever you or I have +seen him; but he seemed relieved by this expedient of the partnership, +though at the same time he seemed hurt by it and ashamed of it.' + +'And how did you receive it, Agnes?' + +'I did, Trotwood,' she replied, 'what I hope was right. Feeling sure +that it was necessary for papa's peace that the sacrifice should be +made, I entreated him to make it. I said it would lighten the load +of his life--I hope it will!--and that it would give me increased +opportunities of being his companion. Oh, Trotwood!' cried Agnes, +putting her hands before her face, as her tears started on it, 'I almost +feel as if I had been papa's enemy, instead of his loving child. For +I know how he has altered, in his devotion to me. I know how he has +narrowed the circle of his sympathies and duties, in the concentration +of his whole mind upon me. I know what a multitude of things he has shut +out for my sake, and how his anxious thoughts of me have shadowed his +life, and weakened his strength and energy, by turning them always upon +one idea. If I could ever set this right! If I could ever work out his +restoration, as I have so innocently been the cause of his decline!' + +I had never before seen Agnes cry. I had seen tears in her eyes when I +had brought new honours home from school, and I had seen them there when +we last spoke about her father, and I had seen her turn her gentle head +aside when we took leave of one another; but I had never seen her grieve +like this. It made me so sorry that I could only say, in a foolish, +helpless manner, 'Pray, Agnes, don't! Don't, my dear sister!' + +But Agnes was too superior to me in character and purpose, as I know +well now, whatever I might know or not know then, to be long in need of +my entreaties. The beautiful, calm manner, which makes her so different +in my remembrance from everybody else, came back again, as if a cloud +had passed from a serene sky. + +'We are not likely to remain alone much longer,' said Agnes, 'and while +I have an opportunity, let me earnestly entreat you, Trotwood, to be +friendly to Uriah. Don't repel him. Don't resent (as I think you have a +general disposition to do) what may be uncongenial to you in him. He may +not deserve it, for we know no certain ill of him. In any case, think +first of papa and me!' + +Agnes had no time to say more, for the room door opened, and Mrs. +Waterbrook, who was a large lady--or who wore a large dress: I don't +exactly know which, for I don't know which was dress and which was +lady--came sailing in. I had a dim recollection of having seen her +at the theatre, as if I had seen her in a pale magic lantern; but she +appeared to remember me perfectly, and still to suspect me of being in a +state of intoxication. + +Finding by degrees, however, that I was sober, and (I hope) that I was +a modest young gentleman, Mrs. Waterbrook softened towards me +considerably, and inquired, firstly, if I went much into the parks, +and secondly, if I went much into society. On my replying to both these +questions in the negative, it occurred to me that I fell again in her +good opinion; but she concealed the fact gracefully, and invited me to +dinner next day. I accepted the invitation, and took my leave, making a +call on Uriah in the office as I went out, and leaving a card for him in +his absence. + +When I went to dinner next day, and on the street door being opened, +plunged into a vapour-bath of haunch of mutton, I divined that I was +not the only guest, for I immediately identified the ticket-porter in +disguise, assisting the family servant, and waiting at the foot of the +stairs to carry up my name. He looked, to the best of his ability, when +he asked me for it confidentially, as if he had never seen me before; +but well did I know him, and well did he know me. Conscience made +cowards of us both. + +I found Mr. Waterbrook to be a middle-aged gentleman, with a short +throat, and a good deal of shirt-collar, who only wanted a black nose to +be the portrait of a pug-dog. He told me he was happy to have the +honour of making my acquaintance; and when I had paid my homage to Mrs. +Waterbrook, presented me, with much ceremony, to a very awful lady in +a black velvet dress, and a great black velvet hat, whom I remember as +looking like a near relation of Hamlet's--say his aunt. + +Mrs. Henry Spiker was this lady's name; and her husband was there +too: so cold a man, that his head, instead of being grey, seemed to +be sprinkled with hoar-frost. Immense deference was shown to the Henry +Spikers, male and female; which Agnes told me was on account of Mr. +Henry Spiker being solicitor to something or to somebody, I forget what +or which, remotely connected with the Treasury. + +I found Uriah Heep among the company, in a suit of black, and in deep +humility. He told me, when I shook hands with him, that he was proud +to be noticed by me, and that he really felt obliged to me for my +condescension. I could have wished he had been less obliged to me, for +he hovered about me in his gratitude all the rest of the evening; and +whenever I said a word to Agnes, was sure, with his shadowless eyes and +cadaverous face, to be looking gauntly down upon us from behind. + +There were other guests--all iced for the occasion, as it struck me, +like the wine. But there was one who attracted my attention before he +came in, on account of my hearing him announced as Mr. Traddles! My mind +flew back to Salem House; and could it be Tommy, I thought, who used to +draw the skeletons! + +I looked for Mr. Traddles with unusual interest. He was a sober, +steady-looking young man of retiring manners, with a comic head of hair, +and eyes that were rather wide open; and he got into an obscure corner +so soon, that I had some difficulty in making him out. At length I had +a good view of him, and either my vision deceived me, or it was the old +unfortunate Tommy. + +I made my way to Mr. Waterbrook, and said, that I believed I had the +pleasure of seeing an old schoolfellow there. + +'Indeed!' said Mr. Waterbrook, surprised. 'You are too young to have +been at school with Mr. Henry Spiker?' + +'Oh, I don't mean him!' I returned. 'I mean the gentleman named +Traddles.' + +'Oh! Aye, aye! Indeed!' said my host, with much diminished interest. +'Possibly.' + +'If it's really the same person,' said I, glancing towards him, 'it +was at a place called Salem House where we were together, and he was an +excellent fellow.' + +'Oh yes. Traddles is a good fellow,' returned my host nodding his head +with an air of toleration. 'Traddles is quite a good fellow.' + +'It's a curious coincidence,' said I. + +'It is really,' returned my host, 'quite a coincidence, that Traddles +should be here at all: as Traddles was only invited this morning, when +the place at table, intended to be occupied by Mrs. Henry Spiker's +brother, became vacant, in consequence of his indisposition. A very +gentlemanly man, Mrs. Henry Spiker's brother, Mr. Copperfield.' + +I murmured an assent, which was full of feeling, considering that I +knew nothing at all about him; and I inquired what Mr. Traddles was by +profession. + +'Traddles,' returned Mr. Waterbrook, 'is a young man reading for the +bar. Yes. He is quite a good fellow--nobody's enemy but his own.' + +'Is he his own enemy?' said I, sorry to hear this. + +'Well,' returned Mr. Waterbrook, pursing up his mouth, and playing with +his watch-chain, in a comfortable, prosperous sort of way. 'I should say +he was one of those men who stand in their own light. Yes, I should say +he would never, for example, be worth five hundred pound. Traddles was +recommended to me by a professional friend. Oh yes. Yes. He has a kind +of talent for drawing briefs, and stating a case in writing, plainly. I +am able to throw something in Traddles's way, in the course of the year; +something--for him--considerable. Oh yes. Yes.' + +I was much impressed by the extremely comfortable and satisfied manner +in which Mr. Waterbrook delivered himself of this little word 'Yes', +every now and then. There was wonderful expression in it. It completely +conveyed the idea of a man who had been born, not to say with a silver +spoon, but with a scaling-ladder, and had gone on mounting all the +heights of life one after another, until now he looked, from the top of +the fortifications, with the eye of a philosopher and a patron, on the +people down in the trenches. + +My reflections on this theme were still in progress when dinner was +announced. Mr. Waterbrook went down with Hamlet's aunt. Mr. Henry Spiker +took Mrs. Waterbrook. Agnes, whom I should have liked to take myself, +was given to a simpering fellow with weak legs. Uriah, Traddles, and I, +as the junior part of the company, went down last, how we could. I was +not so vexed at losing Agnes as I might have been, since it gave me +an opportunity of making myself known to Traddles on the stairs, who +greeted me with great fervour; while Uriah writhed with such obtrusive +satisfaction and self-abasement, that I could gladly have pitched +him over the banisters. Traddles and I were separated at table, being +billeted in two remote corners: he in the glare of a red velvet lady; +I, in the gloom of Hamlet's aunt. The dinner was very long, and the +conversation was about the Aristocracy--and Blood. Mrs. Waterbrook +repeatedly told us, that if she had a weakness, it was Blood. + +It occurred to me several times that we should have got on better, if we +had not been quite so genteel. We were so exceedingly genteel, that our +scope was very limited. A Mr. and Mrs. Gulpidge were of the party, who +had something to do at second-hand (at least, Mr. Gulpidge had) with +the law business of the Bank; and what with the Bank, and what with +the Treasury, we were as exclusive as the Court Circular. To mend the +matter, Hamlet's aunt had the family failing of indulging in soliloquy, +and held forth in a desultory manner, by herself, on every topic that +was introduced. These were few enough, to be sure; but as we always fell +back upon Blood, she had as wide a field for abstract speculation as her +nephew himself. + +We might have been a party of Ogres, the conversation assumed such a +sanguine complexion. + +'I confess I am of Mrs. Waterbrook's opinion,' said Mr. Waterbrook, with +his wine-glass at his eye. 'Other things are all very well in their way, +but give me Blood!' + +'Oh! There is nothing,' observed Hamlet's aunt, 'so satisfactory to one! +There is nothing that is so much one's beau-ideal of--of all that sort +of thing, speaking generally. There are some low minds (not many, I am +happy to believe, but there are some) that would prefer to do what I +should call bow down before idols. Positively Idols! Before service, +intellect, and so on. But these are intangible points. Blood is not so. +We see Blood in a nose, and we know it. We meet with it in a chin, and +we say, "There it is! That's Blood!" It is an actual matter of fact. We +point it out. It admits of no doubt.' + +The simpering fellow with the weak legs, who had taken Agnes down, +stated the question more decisively yet, I thought. + +'Oh, you know, deuce take it,' said this gentleman, looking round the +board with an imbecile smile, 'we can't forego Blood, you know. We must +have Blood, you know. Some young fellows, you know, may be a little +behind their station, perhaps, in point of education and behaviour, and +may go a little wrong, you know, and get themselves and other people +into a variety of fixes--and all that--but deuce take it, it's +delightful to reflect that they've got Blood in 'em! Myself, I'd rather +at any time be knocked down by a man who had got Blood in him, than I'd +be picked up by a man who hadn't!' + +This sentiment, as compressing the general question into a nutshell, +gave the utmost satisfaction, and brought the gentleman into great +notice until the ladies retired. After that, I observed that Mr. +Gulpidge and Mr. Henry Spiker, who had hitherto been very distant, +entered into a defensive alliance against us, the common enemy, and +exchanged a mysterious dialogue across the table for our defeat and +overthrow. + +'That affair of the first bond for four thousand five hundred pounds has +not taken the course that was expected, Spiker,' said Mr. Gulpidge. + +'Do you mean the D. of A.'s?' said Mr. Spiker. + +'The C. of B.'s!' said Mr. Gulpidge. + +Mr. Spiker raised his eyebrows, and looked much concerned. + +'When the question was referred to Lord--I needn't name him,' said Mr. +Gulpidge, checking himself-- + +'I understand,' said Mr. Spiker, 'N.' + +Mr. Gulpidge darkly nodded--'was referred to him, his answer was, +"Money, or no release."' + +'Lord bless my soul!' cried Mr. Spiker. + +"'Money, or no release,"' repeated Mr. Gulpidge, firmly. 'The next in +reversion--you understand me?' + +'K.,' said Mr. Spiker, with an ominous look. + +'--K. then positively refused to sign. He was attended at Newmarket for +that purpose, and he point-blank refused to do it.' + +Mr. Spiker was so interested, that he became quite stony. + +'So the matter rests at this hour,' said Mr. Gulpidge, throwing himself +back in his chair. 'Our friend Waterbrook will excuse me if I forbear to +explain myself generally, on account of the magnitude of the interests +involved.' + +Mr. Waterbrook was only too happy, as it appeared to me, to have such +interests, and such names, even hinted at, across his table. He assumed +an expression of gloomy intelligence (though I am persuaded he knew +no more about the discussion than I did), and highly approved of the +discretion that had been observed. Mr. Spiker, after the receipt of such +a confidence, naturally desired to favour his friend with a confidence +of his own; therefore the foregoing dialogue was succeeded by another, +in which it was Mr. Gulpidge's turn to be surprised, and that by another +in which the surprise came round to Mr. Spiker's turn again, and so on, +turn and turn about. All this time we, the outsiders, remained oppressed +by the tremendous interests involved in the conversation; and our +host regarded us with pride, as the victims of a salutary awe and +astonishment. I was very glad indeed to get upstairs to Agnes, and to +talk with her in a corner, and to introduce Traddles to her, who was +shy, but agreeable, and the same good-natured creature still. As he +was obliged to leave early, on account of going away next morning for +a month, I had not nearly so much conversation with him as I could have +wished; but we exchanged addresses, and promised ourselves the pleasure +of another meeting when he should come back to town. He was greatly +interested to hear that I knew Steerforth, and spoke of him with such +warmth that I made him tell Agnes what he thought of him. But Agnes only +looked at me the while, and very slightly shook her head when only I +observed her. + +As she was not among people with whom I believed she could be very much +at home, I was almost glad to hear that she was going away within a few +days, though I was sorry at the prospect of parting from her again +so soon. This caused me to remain until all the company were gone. +Conversing with her, and hearing her sing, was such a delightful +reminder to me of my happy life in the grave old house she had made so +beautiful, that I could have remained there half the night; but, having +no excuse for staying any longer, when the lights of Mr. Waterbrook's +society were all snuffed out, I took my leave very much against my +inclination. I felt then, more than ever, that she was my better Angel; +and if I thought of her sweet face and placid smile, as though they had +shone on me from some removed being, like an Angel, I hope I thought no +harm. + +I have said that the company were all gone; but I ought to have excepted +Uriah, whom I don't include in that denomination, and who had never +ceased to hover near us. He was close behind me when I went downstairs. +He was close beside me, when I walked away from the house, slowly +fitting his long skeleton fingers into the still longer fingers of a +great Guy Fawkes pair of gloves. + +It was in no disposition for Uriah's company, but in remembrance of the +entreaty Agnes had made to me, that I asked him if he would come home to +my rooms, and have some coffee. + +'Oh, really, Master Copperfield,' he rejoined--'I beg your pardon, +Mister Copperfield, but the other comes so natural, I don't like that +you should put a constraint upon yourself to ask a numble person like me +to your ouse.' + +'There is no constraint in the case,' said I. 'Will you come?' + +'I should like to, very much,' replied Uriah, with a writhe. + +'Well, then, come along!' said I. + +I could not help being rather short with him, but he appeared not to +mind it. We went the nearest way, without conversing much upon the road; +and he was so humble in respect of those scarecrow gloves, that he +was still putting them on, and seemed to have made no advance in that +labour, when we got to my place. + +I led him up the dark stairs, to prevent his knocking his head against +anything, and really his damp cold hand felt so like a frog in mine, +that I was tempted to drop it and run away. Agnes and hospitality +prevailed, however, and I conducted him to my fireside. When I lighted +my candles, he fell into meek transports with the room that was revealed +to him; and when I heated the coffee in an unassuming block-tin vessel +in which Mrs. Crupp delighted to prepare it (chiefly, I believe, because +it was not intended for the purpose, being a shaving-pot, and because +there was a patent invention of great price mouldering away in the +pantry), he professed so much emotion, that I could joyfully have +scalded him. + +'Oh, really, Master Copperfield,--I mean Mister Copperfield,' said +Uriah, 'to see you waiting upon me is what I never could have expected! +But, one way and another, so many things happen to me which I never +could have expected, I am sure, in my umble station, that it seems +to rain blessings on my ed. You have heard something, I des-say, of a +change in my expectations, Master Copperfield,--I should say, Mister +Copperfield?' + +As he sat on my sofa, with his long knees drawn up under his coffee-cup, +his hat and gloves upon the ground close to him, his spoon going softly +round and round, his shadowless red eyes, which looked as if they had +scorched their lashes off, turned towards me without looking at me, the +disagreeable dints I have formerly described in his nostrils coming and +going with his breath, and a snaky undulation pervading his frame from +his chin to his boots, I decided in my own mind that I disliked him +intensely. It made me very uncomfortable to have him for a guest, for I +was young then, and unused to disguise what I so strongly felt. + +'You have heard something, I des-say, of a change in my expectations, +Master Copperfield,--I should say, Mister Copperfield?' observed Uriah. + +'Yes,' said I, 'something.' + +'Ah! I thought Miss Agnes would know of it!' he quietly returned. 'I'm +glad to find Miss Agnes knows of it. Oh, thank you, Master--Mister +Copperfield!' + +I could have thrown my bootjack at him (it lay ready on the rug), for +having entrapped me into the disclosure of anything concerning Agnes, +however immaterial. But I only drank my coffee. + +'What a prophet you have shown yourself, Mister Copperfield!' pursued +Uriah. 'Dear me, what a prophet you have proved yourself to be! Don't +you remember saying to me once, that perhaps I should be a partner in +Mr. Wickfield's business, and perhaps it might be Wickfield and +Heep? You may not recollect it; but when a person is umble, Master +Copperfield, a person treasures such things up!' + +'I recollect talking about it,' said I, 'though I certainly did not +think it very likely then.' 'Oh! who would have thought it likely, +Mister Copperfield!' returned Uriah, enthusiastically. 'I am sure I +didn't myself. I recollect saying with my own lips that I was much too +umble. So I considered myself really and truly.' + +He sat, with that carved grin on his face, looking at the fire, as I +looked at him. + +'But the umblest persons, Master Copperfield,' he presently resumed, +'may be the instruments of good. I am glad to think I have been the +instrument of good to Mr. Wickfield, and that I may be more so. Oh what +a worthy man he is, Mister Copperfield, but how imprudent he has been!' + +'I am sorry to hear it,' said I. I could not help adding, rather +pointedly, 'on all accounts.' + +'Decidedly so, Mister Copperfield,' replied Uriah. 'On all accounts. +Miss Agnes's above all! You don't remember your own eloquent +expressions, Master Copperfield; but I remember how you said one day +that everybody must admire her, and how I thanked you for it! You have +forgot that, I have no doubt, Master Copperfield?' + +'No,' said I, drily. + +'Oh how glad I am you have not!' exclaimed Uriah. 'To think that you +should be the first to kindle the sparks of ambition in my umble breast, +and that you've not forgot it! Oh!--Would you excuse me asking for a cup +more coffee?' + +Something in the emphasis he laid upon the kindling of those sparks, +and something in the glance he directed at me as he said it, had made me +start as if I had seen him illuminated by a blaze of light. Recalled by +his request, preferred in quite another tone of voice, I did the honours +of the shaving-pot; but I did them with an unsteadiness of hand, a +sudden sense of being no match for him, and a perplexed suspicious +anxiety as to what he might be going to say next, which I felt could not +escape his observation. + +He said nothing at all. He stirred his coffee round and round, he sipped +it, he felt his chin softly with his grisly hand, he looked at the fire, +he looked about the room, he gasped rather than smiled at me, he writhed +and undulated about, in his deferential servility, he stirred and sipped +again, but he left the renewal of the conversation to me. + +'So, Mr. Wickfield,' said I, at last, 'who is worth five hundred of +you--or me'; for my life, I think, I could not have helped dividing that +part of the sentence with an awkward jerk; 'has been imprudent, has he, +Mr. Heep?' + +'Oh, very imprudent indeed, Master Copperfield,' returned Uriah, sighing +modestly. 'Oh, very much so! But I wish you'd call me Uriah, if you +please. It's like old times.' + +'Well! Uriah,' said I, bolting it out with some difficulty. + +'Thank you,' he returned, with fervour. 'Thank you, Master Copperfield! +It's like the blowing of old breezes or the ringing of old bellses to +hear YOU say Uriah. I beg your pardon. Was I making any observation?' + +'About Mr. Wickfield,' I suggested. + +'Oh! Yes, truly,' said Uriah. 'Ah! Great imprudence, Master Copperfield. +It's a topic that I wouldn't touch upon, to any soul but you. Even to +you I can only touch upon it, and no more. If anyone else had been in +my place during the last few years, by this time he would have had Mr. +Wickfield (oh, what a worthy man he is, Master Copperfield, too!) under +his thumb. Un--der--his thumb,' said Uriah, very slowly, as he stretched +out his cruel-looking hand above my table, and pressed his own thumb +upon it, until it shook, and shook the room. + +If I had been obliged to look at him with him splay foot on Mr. +Wickfield's head, I think I could scarcely have hated him more. + +'Oh, dear, yes, Master Copperfield,' he proceeded, in a soft voice, +most remarkably contrasting with the action of his thumb, which did not +diminish its hard pressure in the least degree, 'there's no doubt of +it. There would have been loss, disgrace, I don't know what at all. Mr. +Wickfield knows it. I am the umble instrument of umbly serving him, +and he puts me on an eminence I hardly could have hoped to reach. How +thankful should I be!' With his face turned towards me, as he finished, +but without looking at me, he took his crooked thumb off the spot where +he had planted it, and slowly and thoughtfully scraped his lank jaw with +it, as if he were shaving himself. + +I recollect well how indignantly my heart beat, as I saw his crafty +face, with the appropriately red light of the fire upon it, preparing +for something else. + +'Master Copperfield,' he began--'but am I keeping you up?' + +'You are not keeping me up. I generally go to bed late.' + +'Thank you, Master Copperfield! I have risen from my umble station since +first you used to address me, it is true; but I am umble still. I hope I +never shall be otherwise than umble. You will not think the worse of +my umbleness, if I make a little confidence to you, Master Copperfield? +Will you?' + +'Oh no,' said I, with an effort. + +'Thank you!' He took out his pocket-handkerchief, and began wiping the +palms of his hands. 'Miss Agnes, Master Copperfield--' 'Well, Uriah?' + +'Oh, how pleasant to be called Uriah, spontaneously!' he cried; and gave +himself a jerk, like a convulsive fish. 'You thought her looking very +beautiful tonight, Master Copperfield?' + +'I thought her looking as she always does: superior, in all respects, to +everyone around her,' I returned. + +'Oh, thank you! It's so true!' he cried. 'Oh, thank you very much for +that!' + +'Not at all,' I said, loftily. 'There is no reason why you should thank +me.' + +'Why that, Master Copperfield,' said Uriah, 'is, in fact, the confidence +that I am going to take the liberty of reposing. Umble as I am,' he +wiped his hands harder, and looked at them and at the fire by turns, +'umble as my mother is, and lowly as our poor but honest roof has ever +been, the image of Miss Agnes (I don't mind trusting you with my secret, +Master Copperfield, for I have always overflowed towards you since the +first moment I had the pleasure of beholding you in a pony-shay) has +been in my breast for years. Oh, Master Copperfield, with what a pure +affection do I love the ground my Agnes walks on!' + +I believe I had a delirious idea of seizing the red-hot poker out of +the fire, and running him through with it. It went from me with a shock, +like a ball fired from a rifle: but the image of Agnes, outraged by so +much as a thought of this red-headed animal's, remained in my mind when +I looked at him, sitting all awry as if his mean soul griped his body, +and made me giddy. He seemed to swell and grow before my eyes; the room +seemed full of the echoes of his voice; and the strange feeling (to +which, perhaps, no one is quite a stranger) that all this had occurred +before, at some indefinite time, and that I knew what he was going to +say next, took possession of me. + +A timely observation of the sense of power that there was in his face, +did more to bring back to my remembrance the entreaty of Agnes, in +its full force, than any effort I could have made. I asked him, with +a better appearance of composure than I could have thought possible a +minute before, whether he had made his feelings known to Agnes. + +'Oh no, Master Copperfield!' he returned; 'oh dear, no! Not to anyone +but you. You see I am only just emerging from my lowly station. I rest a +good deal of hope on her observing how useful I am to her father (for +I trust to be very useful to him indeed, Master Copperfield), and how I +smooth the way for him, and keep him straight. She's so much attached +to her father, Master Copperfield (oh, what a lovely thing it is in a +daughter!), that I think she may come, on his account, to be kind to +me.' + +I fathomed the depth of the rascal's whole scheme, and understood why he +laid it bare. + +'If you'll have the goodness to keep my secret, Master Copperfield,' he +pursued, 'and not, in general, to go against me, I shall take it as a +particular favour. You wouldn't wish to make unpleasantness. I know +what a friendly heart you've got; but having only known me on my umble +footing (on my umblest I should say, for I am very umble still), you +might, unbeknown, go against me rather, with my Agnes. I call her mine, +you see, Master Copperfield. There's a song that says, "I'd crowns +resign, to call her mine!" I hope to do it, one of these days.' + +Dear Agnes! So much too loving and too good for anyone that I could +think of, was it possible that she was reserved to be the wife of such a +wretch as this! + +'There's no hurry at present, you know, Master Copperfield,' Uriah +proceeded, in his slimy way, as I sat gazing at him, with this thought +in my mind. 'My Agnes is very young still; and mother and me will have +to work our way upwards, and make a good many new arrangements, before +it would be quite convenient. So I shall have time gradually to make her +familiar with my hopes, as opportunities offer. Oh, I'm so much obliged +to you for this confidence! Oh, it's such a relief, you can't think, to +know that you understand our situation, and are certain (as you wouldn't +wish to make unpleasantness in the family) not to go against me!' + +He took the hand which I dared not withhold, and having given it a damp +squeeze, referred to his pale-faced watch. + +'Dear me!' he said, 'it's past one. The moments slip away so, in the +confidence of old times, Master Copperfield, that it's almost half past +one!' + +I answered that I had thought it was later. Not that I had really +thought so, but because my conversational powers were effectually +scattered. + +'Dear me!' he said, considering. 'The ouse that I am stopping at--a sort +of a private hotel and boarding ouse, Master Copperfield, near the New +River ed--will have gone to bed these two hours.' + +'I am sorry,' I returned, 'that there is only one bed here, and that +I--' + +'Oh, don't think of mentioning beds, Master Copperfield!' he rejoined +ecstatically, drawing up one leg. 'But would you have any objections to +my laying down before the fire?' + +'If it comes to that,' I said, 'pray take my bed, and I'll lie down +before the fire.' + +His repudiation of this offer was almost shrill enough, in the excess of +its surprise and humility, to have penetrated to the ears of Mrs. Crupp, +then sleeping, I suppose, in a distant chamber, situated at about the +level of low-water mark, soothed in her slumbers by the ticking of an +incorrigible clock, to which she always referred me when we had any +little difference on the score of punctuality, and which was never less +than three-quarters of an hour too slow, and had always been put right +in the morning by the best authorities. As no arguments I could urge, +in my bewildered condition, had the least effect upon his modesty +in inducing him to accept my bedroom, I was obliged to make the best +arrangements I could, for his repose before the fire. The mattress of +the sofa (which was a great deal too short for his lank figure), the +sofa pillows, a blanket, the table-cover, a clean breakfast-cloth, and +a great-coat, made him a bed and covering, for which he was more than +thankful. Having lent him a night-cap, which he put on at once, and in +which he made such an awful figure, that I have never worn one since, I +left him to his rest. + +I never shall forget that night. I never shall forget how I turned +and tumbled; how I wearied myself with thinking about Agnes and this +creature; how I considered what could I do, and what ought I to do; how +I could come to no other conclusion than that the best course for her +peace was to do nothing, and to keep to myself what I had heard. If +I went to sleep for a few moments, the image of Agnes with her tender +eyes, and of her father looking fondly on her, as I had so often seen +him look, arose before me with appealing faces, and filled me with vague +terrors. When I awoke, the recollection that Uriah was lying in the next +room, sat heavy on me like a waking nightmare; and oppressed me with a +leaden dread, as if I had had some meaner quality of devil for a lodger. + +The poker got into my dozing thoughts besides, and wouldn't come out. I +thought, between sleeping and waking, that it was still red hot, and I +had snatched it out of the fire, and run him through the body. I was so +haunted at last by the idea, though I knew there was nothing in it, that +I stole into the next room to look at him. There I saw him, lying on his +back, with his legs extending to I don't know where, gurglings taking +place in his throat, stoppages in his nose, and his mouth open like +a post-office. He was so much worse in reality than in my distempered +fancy, that afterwards I was attracted to him in very repulsion, and +could not help wandering in and out every half-hour or so, and taking +another look at him. Still, the long, long night seemed heavy and +hopeless as ever, and no promise of day was in the murky sky. + +When I saw him going downstairs early in the morning (for, thank Heaven! +he would not stay to breakfast), it appeared to me as if the night was +going away in his person. When I went out to the Commons, I charged +Mrs. Crupp with particular directions to leave the windows open, that my +sitting-room might be aired, and purged of his presence. + + + +CHAPTER 26. I FALL INTO CAPTIVITY + + +I saw no more of Uriah Heep, until the day when Agnes left town. I was +at the coach office to take leave of her and see her go; and there was +he, returning to Canterbury by the same conveyance. It was some small +satisfaction to me to observe his spare, short-waisted, high-shouldered, +mulberry-coloured great-coat perched up, in company with an umbrella +like a small tent, on the edge of the back seat on the roof, while +Agnes was, of course, inside; but what I underwent in my efforts to be +friendly with him, while Agnes looked on, perhaps deserved that little +recompense. At the coach window, as at the dinner-party, he hovered +about us without a moment's intermission, like a great vulture: gorging +himself on every syllable that I said to Agnes, or Agnes said to me. + +In the state of trouble into which his disclosure by my fire had thrown +me, I had thought very much of the words Agnes had used in reference to +the partnership. 'I did what I hope was right. Feeling sure that it +was necessary for papa's peace that the sacrifice should be made, I +entreated him to make it.' A miserable foreboding that she would +yield to, and sustain herself by, the same feeling in reference to any +sacrifice for his sake, had oppressed me ever since. I knew how she +loved him. I knew what the devotion of her nature was. I knew from her +own lips that she regarded herself as the innocent cause of his errors, +and as owing him a great debt she ardently desired to pay. I had no +consolation in seeing how different she was from this detestable Rufus +with the mulberry-coloured great-coat, for I felt that in the very +difference between them, in the self-denial of her pure soul and the +sordid baseness of his, the greatest danger lay. All this, doubtless, he +knew thoroughly, and had, in his cunning, considered well. + +Yet I was so certain that the prospect of such a sacrifice afar off, +must destroy the happiness of Agnes; and I was so sure, from her manner, +of its being unseen by her then, and having cast no shadow on her yet; +that I could as soon have injured her, as given her any warning of what +impended. Thus it was that we parted without explanation: she waving +her hand and smiling farewell from the coach window; her evil genius +writhing on the roof, as if he had her in his clutches and triumphed. + +I could not get over this farewell glimpse of them for a long time. When +Agnes wrote to tell me of her safe arrival, I was as miserable as when +I saw her going away. Whenever I fell into a thoughtful state, this +subject was sure to present itself, and all my uneasiness was sure to be +redoubled. Hardly a night passed without my dreaming of it. It became a +part of my life, and as inseparable from my life as my own head. + +I had ample leisure to refine upon my uneasiness: for Steerforth was at +Oxford, as he wrote to me, and when I was not at the Commons, I was +very much alone. I believe I had at this time some lurking distrust of +Steerforth. I wrote to him most affectionately in reply to his, but I +think I was glad, upon the whole, that he could not come to London just +then. I suspect the truth to be, that the influence of Agnes was upon +me, undisturbed by the sight of him; and that it was the more powerful +with me, because she had so large a share in my thoughts and interest. + +In the meantime, days and weeks slipped away. I was articled to Spenlow +and Jorkins. I had ninety pounds a year (exclusive of my house-rent +and sundry collateral matters) from my aunt. My rooms were engaged +for twelve months certain: and though I still found them dreary of an +evening, and the evenings long, I could settle down into a state of +equable low spirits, and resign myself to coffee; which I seem, on +looking back, to have taken by the gallon at about this period of my +existence. At about this time, too, I made three discoveries: first, +that Mrs. Crupp was a martyr to a curious disorder called 'the +spazzums', which was generally accompanied with inflammation of the +nose, and required to be constantly treated with peppermint; secondly, +that something peculiar in the temperature of my pantry, made the +brandy-bottles burst; thirdly, that I was alone in the world, and much +given to record that circumstance in fragments of English versification. + +On the day when I was articled, no festivity took place, beyond my +having sandwiches and sherry into the office for the clerks, and going +alone to the theatre at night. I went to see The Stranger, as a Doctors' +Commons sort of play, and was so dreadfully cut up, that I hardly knew +myself in my own glass when I got home. Mr. Spenlow remarked, on this +occasion, when we concluded our business, that he should have been +happy to have seen me at his house at Norwood to celebrate our becoming +connected, but for his domestic arrangements being in some disorder, +on account of the expected return of his daughter from finishing her +education at Paris. But, he intimated that when she came home he should +hope to have the pleasure of entertaining me. I knew that he was a +widower with one daughter, and expressed my acknowledgements. + +Mr. Spenlow was as good as his word. In a week or two, he referred to +this engagement, and said, that if I would do him the favour to come +down next Saturday, and stay till Monday, he would be extremely happy. +Of course I said I would do him the favour; and he was to drive me down +in his phaeton, and to bring me back. + +When the day arrived, my very carpet-bag was an object of veneration +to the stipendiary clerks, to whom the house at Norwood was a sacred +mystery. One of them informed me that he had heard that Mr. Spenlow +ate entirely off plate and china; and another hinted at champagne being +constantly on draught, after the usual custom of table-beer. The old +clerk with the wig, whose name was Mr. Tiffey, had been down on business +several times in the course of his career, and had on each occasion +penetrated to the breakfast-parlour. He described it as an apartment of +the most sumptuous nature, and said that he had drunk brown East India +sherry there, of a quality so precious as to make a man wink. We had +an adjourned cause in the Consistory that day--about excommunicating a +baker who had been objecting in a vestry to a paving-rate--and as the +evidence was just twice the length of Robinson Crusoe, according to a +calculation I made, it was rather late in the day before we finished. +However, we got him excommunicated for six weeks, and sentenced in +no end of costs; and then the baker's proctor, and the judge, and the +advocates on both sides (who were all nearly related), went out of town +together, and Mr. Spenlow and I drove away in the phaeton. + +The phaeton was a very handsome affair; the horses arched their necks +and lifted up their legs as if they knew they belonged to Doctors' +Commons. There was a good deal of competition in the Commons on all +points of display, and it turned out some very choice equipages then; +though I always have considered, and always shall consider, that in my +time the great article of competition there was starch: which I think +was worn among the proctors to as great an extent as it is in the nature +of man to bear. + +We were very pleasant, going down, and Mr. Spenlow gave me some hints in +reference to my profession. He said it was the genteelest profession in +the world, and must on no account be confounded with the profession of a +solicitor: being quite another sort of thing, infinitely more exclusive, +less mechanical, and more profitable. We took things much more easily +in the Commons than they could be taken anywhere else, he observed, and +that set us, as a privileged class, apart. He said it was impossible +to conceal the disagreeable fact, that we were chiefly employed by +solicitors; but he gave me to understand that they were an inferior race +of men, universally looked down upon by all proctors of any pretensions. + +I asked Mr. Spenlow what he considered the best sort of professional +business? He replied, that a good case of a disputed will, where there +was a neat little estate of thirty or forty thousand pounds, was, +perhaps, the best of all. In such a case, he said, not only were there +very pretty pickings, in the way of arguments at every stage of the +proceedings, and mountains upon mountains of evidence on interrogatory +and counter-interrogatory (to say nothing of an appeal lying, first to +the Delegates, and then to the Lords), but, the costs being pretty sure +to come out of the estate at last, both sides went at it in a lively +and spirited manner, and expense was no consideration. Then, he launched +into a general eulogium on the Commons. What was to be particularly +admired (he said) in the Commons, was its compactness. It was the most +conveniently organized place in the world. It was the complete idea of +snugness. It lay in a nutshell. For example: You brought a divorce case, +or a restitution case, into the Consistory. Very good. You tried it in +the Consistory. You made a quiet little round game of it, among a family +group, and you played it out at leisure. Suppose you were not satisfied +with the Consistory, what did you do then? Why, you went into the +Arches. What was the Arches? The same court, in the same room, with the +same bar, and the same practitioners, but another judge, for there the +Consistory judge could plead any court-day as an advocate. Well, you +played your round game out again. Still you were not satisfied. Very +good. What did you do then? Why, you went to the Delegates. Who were the +Delegates? Why, the Ecclesiastical Delegates were the advocates without +any business, who had looked on at the round game when it was playing in +both courts, and had seen the cards shuffled, and cut, and played, and +had talked to all the players about it, and now came fresh, as judges, +to settle the matter to the satisfaction of everybody! Discontented +people might talk of corruption in the Commons, closeness in the +Commons, and the necessity of reforming the Commons, said Mr. Spenlow +solemnly, in conclusion; but when the price of wheat per bushel had been +highest, the Commons had been busiest; and a man might lay his hand upon +his heart, and say this to the whole world,--'Touch the Commons, and +down comes the country!' + +I listened to all this with attention; and though, I must say, I had my +doubts whether the country was quite as much obliged to the Commons as +Mr. Spenlow made out, I respectfully deferred to his opinion. That +about the price of wheat per bushel, I modestly felt was too much for +my strength, and quite settled the question. I have never, to this hour, +got the better of that bushel of wheat. It has reappeared to annihilate +me, all through my life, in connexion with all kinds of subjects. I +don't know now, exactly, what it has to do with me, or what right it has +to crush me, on an infinite variety of occasions; but whenever I see my +old friend the bushel brought in by the head and shoulders (as he always +is, I observe), I give up a subject for lost. + +This is a digression. I was not the man to touch the Commons, and +bring down the country. I submissively expressed, by my silence, my +acquiescence in all I had heard from my superior in years and knowledge; +and we talked about The Stranger and the Drama, and the pairs of horses, +until we came to Mr. Spenlow's gate. + +There was a lovely garden to Mr. Spenlow's house; and though that was +not the best time of the year for seeing a garden, it was so beautifully +kept, that I was quite enchanted. There was a charming lawn, there were +clusters of trees, and there were perspective walks that I could just +distinguish in the dark, arched over with trellis-work, on which shrubs +and flowers grew in the growing season. 'Here Miss Spenlow walks by +herself,' I thought. 'Dear me!' + +We went into the house, which was cheerfully lighted up, and into a hall +where there were all sorts of hats, caps, great-coats, plaids, gloves, +whips, and walking-sticks. 'Where is Miss Dora?' said Mr. Spenlow to the +servant. 'Dora!' I thought. 'What a beautiful name!' + +We turned into a room near at hand (I think it was the identical +breakfast-room, made memorable by the brown East Indian sherry), and I +heard a voice say, 'Mr. Copperfield, my daughter Dora, and my daughter +Dora's confidential friend!' It was, no doubt, Mr. Spenlow's voice, +but I didn't know it, and I didn't care whose it was. All was over in a +moment. I had fulfilled my destiny. I was a captive and a slave. I loved +Dora Spenlow to distraction! + +She was more than human to me. She was a Fairy, a Sylph, I don't +know what she was--anything that no one ever saw, and everything that +everybody ever wanted. I was swallowed up in an abyss of love in an +instant. There was no pausing on the brink; no looking down, or looking +back; I was gone, headlong, before I had sense to say a word to her. + +'I,' observed a well-remembered voice, when I had bowed and murmured +something, 'have seen Mr. Copperfield before.' + +The speaker was not Dora. No; the confidential friend, Miss Murdstone! + +I don't think I was much astonished. To the best of my judgement, +no capacity of astonishment was left in me. There was nothing worth +mentioning in the material world, but Dora Spenlow, to be astonished +about. I said, 'How do you do, Miss Murdstone? I hope you are well.' She +answered, 'Very well.' I said, 'How is Mr. Murdstone?' She replied, 'My +brother is robust, I am obliged to you.' + +Mr. Spenlow, who, I suppose, had been surprised to see us recognize each +other, then put in his word. + +'I am glad to find,' he said, 'Copperfield, that you and Miss Murdstone +are already acquainted.' + +'Mr. Copperfield and myself,' said Miss Murdstone, with severe +composure, 'are connexions. We were once slightly acquainted. It was in +his childish days. Circumstances have separated us since. I should not +have known him.' + +I replied that I should have known her, anywhere. Which was true enough. + +'Miss Murdstone has had the goodness,' said Mr. Spenlow to me, 'to +accept the office--if I may so describe it--of my daughter Dora's +confidential friend. My daughter Dora having, unhappily, no mother, Miss +Murdstone is obliging enough to become her companion and protector.' + +A passing thought occurred to me that Miss Murdstone, like the pocket +instrument called a life-preserver, was not so much designed for +purposes of protection as of assault. But as I had none but passing +thoughts for any subject save Dora, I glanced at her, directly +afterwards, and was thinking that I saw, in her prettily pettish manner, +that she was not very much inclined to be particularly confidential to +her companion and protector, when a bell rang, which Mr. Spenlow said +was the first dinner-bell, and so carried me off to dress. + +The idea of dressing one's self, or doing anything in the way of action, +in that state of love, was a little too ridiculous. I could only sit +down before my fire, biting the key of my carpet-bag, and think of the +captivating, girlish, bright-eyed lovely Dora. What a form she had, what +a face she had, what a graceful, variable, enchanting manner! + +The bell rang again so soon that I made a mere scramble of my dressing, +instead of the careful operation I could have wished under the +circumstances, and went downstairs. There was some company. Dora was +talking to an old gentleman with a grey head. Grey as he was--and a +great-grandfather into the bargain, for he said so--I was madly jealous +of him. + +What a state of mind I was in! I was jealous of everybody. I couldn't +bear the idea of anybody knowing Mr. Spenlow better than I did. It was +torturing to me to hear them talk of occurrences in which I had had no +share. When a most amiable person, with a highly polished bald head, +asked me across the dinner table, if that were the first occasion of my +seeing the grounds, I could have done anything to him that was savage +and revengeful. + +I don't remember who was there, except Dora. I have not the least idea +what we had for dinner, besides Dora. My impression is, that I dined off +Dora, entirely, and sent away half-a-dozen plates untouched. I sat next +to her. I talked to her. She had the most delightful little voice, the +gayest little laugh, the pleasantest and most fascinating little +ways, that ever led a lost youth into hopeless slavery. She was rather +diminutive altogether. So much the more precious, I thought. + +When she went out of the room with Miss Murdstone (no other ladies +were of the party), I fell into a reverie, only disturbed by the cruel +apprehension that Miss Murdstone would disparage me to her. The amiable +creature with the polished head told me a long story, which I think was +about gardening. I think I heard him say, 'my gardener', several times. +I seemed to pay the deepest attention to him, but I was wandering in a +garden of Eden all the while, with Dora. + +My apprehensions of being disparaged to the object of my engrossing +affection were revived when we went into the drawing-room, by the grim +and distant aspect of Miss Murdstone. But I was relieved of them in an +unexpected manner. + +'David Copperfield,' said Miss Murdstone, beckoning me aside into a +window. 'A word.' + +I confronted Miss Murdstone alone. + +'David Copperfield,' said Miss Murdstone, 'I need not enlarge upon +family circumstances. They are not a tempting subject.' 'Far from it, +ma'am,' I returned. + +'Far from it,' assented Miss Murdstone. 'I do not wish to revive +the memory of past differences, or of past outrages. I have received +outrages from a person--a female I am sorry to say, for the credit of my +sex--who is not to be mentioned without scorn and disgust; and therefore +I would rather not mention her.' + +I felt very fiery on my aunt's account; but I said it would certainly be +better, if Miss Murdstone pleased, not to mention her. I could not hear +her disrespectfully mentioned, I added, without expressing my opinion in +a decided tone. + +Miss Murdstone shut her eyes, and disdainfully inclined her head; then, +slowly opening her eyes, resumed: + +'David Copperfield, I shall not attempt to disguise the fact, that I +formed an unfavourable opinion of you in your childhood. It may have +been a mistaken one, or you may have ceased to justify it. That is not +in question between us now. I belong to a family remarkable, I believe, +for some firmness; and I am not the creature of circumstance or change. +I may have my opinion of you. You may have your opinion of me.' + +I inclined my head, in my turn. + +'But it is not necessary,' said Miss Murdstone, 'that these opinions +should come into collision here. Under existing circumstances, it is as +well on all accounts that they should not. As the chances of life have +brought us together again, and may bring us together on other occasions, +I would say, let us meet here as distant acquaintances. Family +circumstances are a sufficient reason for our only meeting on that +footing, and it is quite unnecessary that either of us should make the +other the subject of remark. Do you approve of this?' + +'Miss Murdstone,' I returned, 'I think you and Mr. Murdstone used me +very cruelly, and treated my mother with great unkindness. I shall +always think so, as long as I live. But I quite agree in what you +propose.' + +Miss Murdstone shut her eyes again, and bent her head. Then, just +touching the back of my hand with the tips of her cold, stiff fingers, +she walked away, arranging the little fetters on her wrists and round +her neck; which seemed to be the same set, in exactly the same state, +as when I had seen her last. These reminded me, in reference to Miss +Murdstone's nature, of the fetters over a jail door; suggesting on the +outside, to all beholders, what was to be expected within. + +All I know of the rest of the evening is, that I heard the empress of +my heart sing enchanted ballads in the French language, generally to the +effect that, whatever was the matter, we ought always to dance, Ta ra +la, Ta ra la! accompanying herself on a glorified instrument, resembling +a guitar. That I was lost in blissful delirium. That I refused +refreshment. That my soul recoiled from punch particularly. That when +Miss Murdstone took her into custody and led her away, she smiled and +gave me her delicious hand. That I caught a view of myself in a mirror, +looking perfectly imbecile and idiotic. That I retired to bed in a most +maudlin state of mind, and got up in a crisis of feeble infatuation. + +It was a fine morning, and early, and I thought I would go and take a +stroll down one of those wire-arched walks, and indulge my passion by +dwelling on her image. On my way through the hall, I encountered her +little dog, who was called Jip--short for Gipsy. I approached him +tenderly, for I loved even him; but he showed his whole set of teeth, +got under a chair expressly to snarl, and wouldn't hear of the least +familiarity. + +The garden was cool and solitary. I walked about, wondering what my +feelings of happiness would be, if I could ever become engaged to this +dear wonder. As to marriage, and fortune, and all that, I believe I was +almost as innocently undesigning then, as when I loved little Em'ly. To +be allowed to call her 'Dora', to write to her, to dote upon and worship +her, to have reason to think that when she was with other people she was +yet mindful of me, seemed to me the summit of human ambition--I am +sure it was the summit of mine. There is no doubt whatever that I was +a lackadaisical young spooney; but there was a purity of heart in all +this, that prevents my having quite a contemptuous recollection of it, +let me laugh as I may. + +I had not been walking long, when I turned a corner, and met her. I +tingle again from head to foot as my recollection turns that corner, and +my pen shakes in my hand. + +'You--are--out early, Miss Spenlow,' said I. + +'It's so stupid at home,' she replied, 'and Miss Murdstone is so absurd! +She talks such nonsense about its being necessary for the day to be +aired, before I come out. Aired!' (She laughed, here, in the most +melodious manner.) 'On a Sunday morning, when I don't practise, I must +do something. So I told papa last night I must come out. Besides, it's +the brightest time of the whole day. Don't you think so?' + +I hazarded a bold flight, and said (not without stammering) that it +was very bright to me then, though it had been very dark to me a minute +before. + +'Do you mean a compliment?' said Dora, 'or that the weather has really +changed?' + +I stammered worse than before, in replying that I meant no compliment, +but the plain truth; though I was not aware of any change having taken +place in the weather. It was in the state of my own feelings, I added +bashfully: to clench the explanation. + +I never saw such curls--how could I, for there never were such +curls!--as those she shook out to hide her blushes. As to the straw hat +and blue ribbons which was on the top of the curls, if I could only have +hung it up in my room in Buckingham Street, what a priceless possession +it would have been! + +'You have just come home from Paris,' said I. + +'Yes,' said she. 'Have you ever been there?' + +'No.' + +'Oh! I hope you'll go soon! You would like it so much!' + +Traces of deep-seated anguish appeared in my countenance. That she +should hope I would go, that she should think it possible I could go, +was insupportable. I depreciated Paris; I depreciated France. I said I +wouldn't leave England, under existing circumstances, for any earthly +consideration. Nothing should induce me. In short, she was shaking the +curls again, when the little dog came running along the walk to our +relief. + +He was mortally jealous of me, and persisted in barking at me. She took +him up in her arms--oh my goodness!--and caressed him, but he persisted +upon barking still. He wouldn't let me touch him, when I tried; and then +she beat him. It increased my sufferings greatly to see the pats she +gave him for punishment on the bridge of his blunt nose, while he winked +his eyes, and licked her hand, and still growled within himself like a +little double-bass. At length he was quiet--well he might be with her +dimpled chin upon his head!--and we walked away to look at a greenhouse. + +'You are not very intimate with Miss Murdstone, are you?' said Dora. +--'My pet.' + +(The two last words were to the dog. Oh, if they had only been to me!) + +'No,' I replied. 'Not at all so.' + +'She is a tiresome creature,' said Dora, pouting. 'I can't think what +papa can have been about, when he chose such a vexatious thing to be my +companion. Who wants a protector? I am sure I don't want a protector. +Jip can protect me a great deal better than Miss Murdstone,--can't you, +Jip, dear?' + +He only winked lazily, when she kissed his ball of a head. + +'Papa calls her my confidential friend, but I am sure she is no such +thing--is she, Jip? We are not going to confide in any such cross +people, Jip and I. We mean to bestow our confidence where we like, +and to find out our own friends, instead of having them found out for +us--don't we, Jip?' + +Jip made a comfortable noise, in answer, a little like a tea-kettle when +it sings. As for me, every word was a new heap of fetters, riveted above +the last. + +'It is very hard, because we have not a kind Mama, that we are to have, +instead, a sulky, gloomy old thing like Miss Murdstone, always following +us about--isn't it, Jip? Never mind, Jip. We won't be confidential, and +we'll make ourselves as happy as we can in spite of her, and we'll tease +her, and not please her--won't we, Jip?' + +If it had lasted any longer, I think I must have gone down on my knees +on the gravel, with the probability before me of grazing them, and of +being presently ejected from the premises besides. But, by good fortune +the greenhouse was not far off, and these words brought us to it. + +It contained quite a show of beautiful geraniums. We loitered along in +front of them, and Dora often stopped to admire this one or that one, +and I stopped to admire the same one, and Dora, laughing, held the dog +up childishly, to smell the flowers; and if we were not all three in +Fairyland, certainly I was. The scent of a geranium leaf, at this day, +strikes me with a half comical half serious wonder as to what change has +come over me in a moment; and then I see a straw hat and blue ribbons, +and a quantity of curls, and a little black dog being held up, in two +slender arms, against a bank of blossoms and bright leaves. + +Miss Murdstone had been looking for us. She found us here; and presented +her uncongenial cheek, the little wrinkles in it filled with hair +powder, to Dora to be kissed. Then she took Dora's arm in hers, and +marched us into breakfast as if it were a soldier's funeral. + +How many cups of tea I drank, because Dora made it, I don't know. But, +I perfectly remember that I sat swilling tea until my whole nervous +system, if I had had any in those days, must have gone by the board. By +and by we went to church. Miss Murdstone was between Dora and me in the +pew; but I heard her sing, and the congregation vanished. A sermon was +delivered--about Dora, of course--and I am afraid that is all I know of +the service. + +We had a quiet day. No company, a walk, a family dinner of four, and an +evening of looking over books and pictures; Miss Murdstone with a homily +before her, and her eye upon us, keeping guard vigilantly. Ah! little +did Mr. Spenlow imagine, when he sat opposite to me after dinner that +day, with his pocket-handkerchief over his head, how fervently I was +embracing him, in my fancy, as his son-in-law! Little did he think, when +I took leave of him at night, that he had just given his full consent to +my being engaged to Dora, and that I was invoking blessings on his head! + +We departed early in the morning, for we had a Salvage case coming on in +the Admiralty Court, requiring a rather accurate knowledge of the whole +science of navigation, in which (as we couldn't be expected to know +much about those matters in the Commons) the judge had entreated two old +Trinity Masters, for charity's sake, to come and help him out. Dora was +at the breakfast-table to make the tea again, however; and I had the +melancholy pleasure of taking off my hat to her in the phaeton, as she +stood on the door-step with Jip in her arms. + +What the Admiralty was to me that day; what nonsense I made of our case +in my mind, as I listened to it; how I saw 'DORA' engraved upon the +blade of the silver oar which they lay upon the table, as the emblem +of that high jurisdiction; and how I felt when Mr. Spenlow went home +without me (I had had an insane hope that he might take me back again), +as if I were a mariner myself, and the ship to which I belonged had +sailed away and left me on a desert island; I shall make no fruitless +effort to describe. If that sleepy old court could rouse itself, and +present in any visible form the daydreams I have had in it about Dora, +it would reveal my truth. + +I don't mean the dreams that I dreamed on that day alone, but day after +day, from week to week, and term to term. I went there, not to attend to +what was going on, but to think about Dora. If ever I bestowed a thought +upon the cases, as they dragged their slow length before me, it was only +to wonder, in the matrimonial cases (remembering Dora), how it was +that married people could ever be otherwise than happy; and, in the +Prerogative cases, to consider, if the money in question had been left +to me, what were the foremost steps I should immediately have taken +in regard to Dora. Within the first week of my passion, I bought four +sumptuous waistcoats--not for myself; I had no pride in them; for +Dora--and took to wearing straw-coloured kid gloves in the streets, and +laid the foundations of all the corns I have ever had. If the boots I +wore at that period could only be produced and compared with the natural +size of my feet, they would show what the state of my heart was, in a +most affecting manner. + +And yet, wretched cripple as I made myself by this act of homage to +Dora, I walked miles upon miles daily in the hope of seeing her. Not +only was I soon as well known on the Norwood Road as the postmen on that +beat, but I pervaded London likewise. I walked about the streets where +the best shops for ladies were, I haunted the Bazaar like an unquiet +spirit, I fagged through the Park again and again, long after I was +quite knocked up. Sometimes, at long intervals and on rare occasions, I +saw her. Perhaps I saw her glove waved in a carriage window; perhaps I +met her, walked with her and Miss Murdstone a little way, and spoke to +her. In the latter case I was always very miserable afterwards, to think +that I had said nothing to the purpose; or that she had no idea of the +extent of my devotion, or that she cared nothing about me. I was always +looking out, as may be supposed, for another invitation to Mr. Spenlow's +house. I was always being disappointed, for I got none. + +Mrs. Crupp must have been a woman of penetration; for when this +attachment was but a few weeks old, and I had not had the courage +to write more explicitly even to Agnes, than that I had been to Mr. +Spenlow's house, 'whose family,' I added, 'consists of one daughter';--I +say Mrs. Crupp must have been a woman of penetration, for, even in that +early stage, she found it out. She came up to me one evening, when I +was very low, to ask (she being then afflicted with the disorder I have +mentioned) if I could oblige her with a little tincture of cardamums +mixed with rhubarb, and flavoured with seven drops of the essence of +cloves, which was the best remedy for her complaint;--or, if I had not +such a thing by me, with a little brandy, which was the next best. It +was not, she remarked, so palatable to her, but it was the next best. As +I had never even heard of the first remedy, and always had the second in +the closet, I gave Mrs. Crupp a glass of the second, which (that I might +have no suspicion of its being devoted to any improper use) she began to +take in my presence. + +'Cheer up, sir,' said Mrs. Crupp. 'I can't abear to see you so, sir: I'm +a mother myself.' + +I did not quite perceive the application of this fact to myself, but I +smiled on Mrs. Crupp, as benignly as was in my power. + +'Come, sir,' said Mrs. Crupp. 'Excuse me. I know what it is, sir. +There's a lady in the case.' + +'Mrs. Crupp?' I returned, reddening. + +'Oh, bless you! Keep a good heart, sir!' said Mrs. Crupp, nodding +encouragement. 'Never say die, sir! If She don't smile upon you, +there's a many as will. You are a young gentleman to be smiled on, Mr. +Copperfull, and you must learn your walue, sir.' + +Mrs. Crupp always called me Mr. Copperfull: firstly, no doubt, because +it was not my name; and secondly, I am inclined to think, in some +indistinct association with a washing-day. + +'What makes you suppose there is any young lady in the case, Mrs. +Crupp?' said I. + +'Mr. Copperfull,' said Mrs. Crupp, with a great deal of feeling, 'I'm a +mother myself.' + +For some time Mrs. Crupp could only lay her hand upon her nankeen bosom, +and fortify herself against returning pain with sips of her medicine. At +length she spoke again. + +'When the present set were took for you by your dear aunt, Mr. +Copperfull,' said Mrs. Crupp, 'my remark were, I had now found summun +I could care for. "Thank Ev'in!" were the expression, "I have now found +summun I can care for!"--You don't eat enough, sir, nor yet drink.' + +'Is that what you found your supposition on, Mrs. Crupp?' said I. + +'Sir,' said Mrs. Crupp, in a tone approaching to severity, 'I've +laundressed other young gentlemen besides yourself. A young gentleman +may be over-careful of himself, or he may be under-careful of himself. +He may brush his hair too regular, or too un-regular. He may wear his +boots much too large for him, or much too small. That is according as +the young gentleman has his original character formed. But let him go to +which extreme he may, sir, there's a young lady in both of 'em.' + +Mrs. Crupp shook her head in such a determined manner, that I had not an +inch of vantage-ground left. + +'It was but the gentleman which died here before yourself,' said Mrs. +Crupp, 'that fell in love--with a barmaid--and had his waistcoats took +in directly, though much swelled by drinking.' + +'Mrs. Crupp,' said I, 'I must beg you not to connect the young lady in +my case with a barmaid, or anything of that sort, if you please.' + +'Mr. Copperfull,' returned Mrs. Crupp, 'I'm a mother myself, and not +likely. I ask your pardon, sir, if I intrude. I should never wish to +intrude where I were not welcome. But you are a young gentleman, Mr. +Copperfull, and my adwice to you is, to cheer up, sir, to keep a good +heart, and to know your own walue. If you was to take to something, +sir,' said Mrs. Crupp, 'if you was to take to skittles, now, which is +healthy, you might find it divert your mind, and do you good.' + +With these words, Mrs. Crupp, affecting to be very careful of the +brandy--which was all gone--thanked me with a majestic curtsey, and +retired. As her figure disappeared into the gloom of the entry, this +counsel certainly presented itself to my mind in the light of a slight +liberty on Mrs. Crupp's part; but, at the same time, I was content +to receive it, in another point of view, as a word to the wise, and a +warning in future to keep my secret better. + + + +CHAPTER 27. TOMMY TRADDLES + + +It may have been in consequence of Mrs. Crupp's advice, and, perhaps, +for no better reason than because there was a certain similarity in the +sound of the word skittles and Traddles, that it came into my head, next +day, to go and look after Traddles. The time he had mentioned was more +than out, and he lived in a little street near the Veterinary College +at Camden Town, which was principally tenanted, as one of our clerks who +lived in that direction informed me, by gentlemen students, who bought +live donkeys, and made experiments on those quadrupeds in their private +apartments. Having obtained from this clerk a direction to the academic +grove in question, I set out, the same afternoon, to visit my old +schoolfellow. + +I found that the street was not as desirable a one as I could have +wished it to be, for the sake of Traddles. The inhabitants appeared to +have a propensity to throw any little trifles they were not in want of, +into the road: which not only made it rank and sloppy, but untidy too, +on account of the cabbage-leaves. The refuse was not wholly vegetable +either, for I myself saw a shoe, a doubled-up saucepan, a black bonnet, +and an umbrella, in various stages of decomposition, as I was looking +out for the number I wanted. + +The general air of the place reminded me forcibly of the days when I +lived with Mr. and Mrs. Micawber. An indescribable character of faded +gentility that attached to the house I sought, and made it unlike +all the other houses in the street--though they were all built on one +monotonous pattern, and looked like the early copies of a blundering boy +who was learning to make houses, and had not yet got out of his cramped +brick-and-mortar pothooks--reminded me still more of Mr. and Mrs. +Micawber. Happening to arrive at the door as it was opened to the +afternoon milkman, I was reminded of Mr. and Mrs. Micawber more forcibly +yet. + +'Now,' said the milkman to a very youthful servant girl. 'Has that there +little bill of mine been heerd on?' + +'Oh, master says he'll attend to it immediate,' was the reply. + +'Because,' said the milkman, going on as if he had received no answer, +and speaking, as I judged from his tone, rather for the edification of +somebody within the house, than of the youthful servant--an +impression which was strengthened by his manner of glaring down the +passage--'because that there little bill has been running so long, that +I begin to believe it's run away altogether, and never won't be heerd +of. Now, I'm not a going to stand it, you know!' said the milkman, still +throwing his voice into the house, and glaring down the passage. + +As to his dealing in the mild article of milk, by the by, there never +was a greater anomaly. His deportment would have been fierce in a +butcher or a brandy-merchant. + +The voice of the youthful servant became faint, but she seemed to me, +from the action of her lips, again to murmur that it would be attended +to immediate. + +'I tell you what,' said the milkman, looking hard at her for the first +time, and taking her by the chin, 'are you fond of milk?' + +'Yes, I likes it,' she replied. 'Good,' said the milkman. 'Then you +won't have none tomorrow. D'ye hear? Not a fragment of milk you won't +have tomorrow.' + +I thought she seemed, upon the whole, relieved by the prospect of having +any today. The milkman, after shaking his head at her darkly, released +her chin, and with anything rather than good-will opened his can, and +deposited the usual quantity in the family jug. This done, he went away, +muttering, and uttered the cry of his trade next door, in a vindictive +shriek. + +'Does Mr. Traddles live here?' I then inquired. + +A mysterious voice from the end of the passage replied 'Yes.' Upon which +the youthful servant replied 'Yes.' + +'Is he at home?' said I. + +Again the mysterious voice replied in the affirmative, and again the +servant echoed it. Upon this, I walked in, and in pursuance of the +servant's directions walked upstairs; conscious, as I passed the +back parlour-door, that I was surveyed by a mysterious eye, probably +belonging to the mysterious voice. + +When I got to the top of the stairs--the house was only a story high +above the ground floor--Traddles was on the landing to meet me. He was +delighted to see me, and gave me welcome, with great heartiness, to +his little room. It was in the front of the house, and extremely neat, +though sparely furnished. It was his only room, I saw; for there was a +sofa-bedstead in it, and his blacking-brushes and blacking were among +his books--on the top shelf, behind a dictionary. His table was covered +with papers, and he was hard at work in an old coat. I looked at +nothing, that I know of, but I saw everything, even to the prospect of +a church upon his china inkstand, as I sat down--and this, too, was a +faculty confirmed in me in the old Micawber times. Various ingenious +arrangements he had made, for the disguise of his chest of drawers, +and the accommodation of his boots, his shaving-glass, and so forth, +particularly impressed themselves upon me, as evidences of the same +Traddles who used to make models of elephants' dens in writing-paper to +put flies in; and to comfort himself under ill usage, with the memorable +works of art I have so often mentioned. + +In a corner of the room was something neatly covered up with a large +white cloth. I could not make out what that was. + +'Traddles,' said I, shaking hands with him again, after I had sat down, +'I am delighted to see you.' + +'I am delighted to see YOU, Copperfield,' he returned. 'I am very glad +indeed to see you. It was because I was thoroughly glad to see you when +we met in Ely Place, and was sure you were thoroughly glad to see me, +that I gave you this address instead of my address at chambers.' 'Oh! +You have chambers?' said I. + +'Why, I have the fourth of a room and a passage, and the fourth of a +clerk,' returned Traddles. 'Three others and myself unite to have a +set of chambers--to look business-like--and we quarter the clerk too. +Half-a-crown a week he costs me.' + +His old simple character and good temper, and something of his old +unlucky fortune also, I thought, smiled at me in the smile with which he +made this explanation. + +'It's not because I have the least pride, Copperfield, you understand,' +said Traddles, 'that I don't usually give my address here. It's only on +account of those who come to me, who might not like to come here. For +myself, I am fighting my way on in the world against difficulties, and +it would be ridiculous if I made a pretence of doing anything else.' + +'You are reading for the bar, Mr. Waterbrook informed me?' said I. + +'Why, yes,' said Traddles, rubbing his hands slowly over one another. 'I +am reading for the bar. The fact is, I have just begun to keep my terms, +after rather a long delay. It's some time since I was articled, but the +payment of that hundred pounds was a great pull. A great pull!' said +Traddles, with a wince, as if he had had a tooth out. + +'Do you know what I can't help thinking of, Traddles, as I sit here +looking at you?' I asked him. + +'No,' said he. + +'That sky-blue suit you used to wear.' + +'Lord, to be sure!' cried Traddles, laughing. 'Tight in the arms and +legs, you know? Dear me! Well! Those were happy times, weren't they?' + +'I think our schoolmaster might have made them happier, without doing +any harm to any of us, I acknowledge,' I returned. + +'Perhaps he might,' said Traddles. 'But dear me, there was a good deal +of fun going on. Do you remember the nights in the bedroom? When we used +to have the suppers? And when you used to tell the stories? Ha, ha, +ha! And do you remember when I got caned for crying about Mr. Mell? Old +Creakle! I should like to see him again, too!' + +'He was a brute to you, Traddles,' said I, indignantly; for his good +humour made me feel as if I had seen him beaten but yesterday. + +'Do you think so?' returned Traddles. 'Really? Perhaps he was rather. +But it's all over, a long while. Old Creakle!' + +'You were brought up by an uncle, then?' said I. + +'Of course I was!' said Traddles. 'The one I was always going to write +to. And always didn't, eh! Ha, ha, ha! Yes, I had an uncle then. He died +soon after I left school.' + +'Indeed!' + +'Yes. He was a retired--what do you call +it!--draper--cloth-merchant--and had made me his heir. But he didn't +like me when I grew up.' + +'Do you really mean that?' said I. He was so composed, that I fancied he +must have some other meaning. + +'Oh dear, yes, Copperfield! I mean it,' replied Traddles. 'It was an +unfortunate thing, but he didn't like me at all. He said I wasn't at all +what he expected, and so he married his housekeeper.' + +'And what did you do?' I asked. + +'I didn't do anything in particular,' said Traddles. 'I lived with them, +waiting to be put out in the world, until his gout unfortunately flew +to his stomach--and so he died, and so she married a young man, and so I +wasn't provided for.' + +'Did you get nothing, Traddles, after all?' + +'Oh dear, yes!' said Traddles. 'I got fifty pounds. I had never been +brought up to any profession, and at first I was at a loss what to +do for myself. However, I began, with the assistance of the son of a +professional man, who had been to Salem House--Yawler, with his nose on +one side. Do you recollect him?' + +No. He had not been there with me; all the noses were straight in my +day. + +'It don't matter,' said Traddles. 'I began, by means of his assistance, +to copy law writings. That didn't answer very well; and then I began to +state cases for them, and make abstracts, and that sort of work. For +I am a plodding kind of fellow, Copperfield, and had learnt the way of +doing such things pithily. Well! That put it in my head to enter myself +as a law student; and that ran away with all that was left of the fifty +pounds. Yawler recommended me to one or two other offices, however--Mr. +Waterbrook's for one--and I got a good many jobs. I was fortunate +enough, too, to become acquainted with a person in the publishing way, +who was getting up an Encyclopaedia, and he set me to work; and, indeed' +(glancing at his table), 'I am at work for him at this minute. I am not +a bad compiler, Copperfield,' said Traddles, preserving the same air of +cheerful confidence in all he said, 'but I have no invention at all; not +a particle. I suppose there never was a young man with less originality +than I have.' + +As Traddles seemed to expect that I should assent to this as a matter +of course, I nodded; and he went on, with the same sprightly patience--I +can find no better expression--as before. + +'So, by little and little, and not living high, I managed to scrape up +the hundred pounds at last,' said Traddles; 'and thank Heaven that's +paid--though it was--though it certainly was,' said Traddles, wincing +again as if he had had another tooth out, 'a pull. I am living by the +sort of work I have mentioned, still, and I hope, one of these days, to +get connected with some newspaper: which would almost be the making of +my fortune. Now, Copperfield, you are so exactly what you used to +be, with that agreeable face, and it's so pleasant to see you, that I +sha'n't conceal anything. Therefore you must know that I am engaged.' + +Engaged! Oh, Dora! + +'She is a curate's daughter,' said Traddles; 'one of ten, down in +Devonshire. Yes!' For he saw me glance, involuntarily, at the prospect +on the inkstand. 'That's the church! You come round here to the left, +out of this gate,' tracing his finger along the inkstand, 'and exactly +where I hold this pen, there stands the house--facing, you understand, +towards the church.' + +The delight with which he entered into these particulars, did not fully +present itself to me until afterwards; for my selfish thoughts were +making a ground-plan of Mr. Spenlow's house and garden at the same +moment. + +'She is such a dear girl!' said Traddles; 'a little older than me, but +the dearest girl! I told you I was going out of town? I have been down +there. I walked there, and I walked back, and I had the most delightful +time! I dare say ours is likely to be a rather long engagement, but our +motto is "Wait and hope!" We always say that. "Wait and hope," we always +say. And she would wait, Copperfield, till she was sixty--any age you +can mention--for me!' + +Traddles rose from his chair, and, with a triumphant smile, put his hand +upon the white cloth I had observed. + +'However,' he said, 'it's not that we haven't made a beginning towards +housekeeping. No, no; we have begun. We must get on by degrees, but we +have begun. Here,' drawing the cloth off with great pride and care, 'are +two pieces of furniture to commence with. This flower-pot and stand, +she bought herself. You put that in a parlour window,' said Traddles, +falling a little back from it to survey it with the greater admiration, +'with a plant in it, and--and there you are! This little round table +with the marble top (it's two feet ten in circumference), I bought. You +want to lay a book down, you know, or somebody comes to see you or your +wife, and wants a place to stand a cup of tea upon, and--and there you +are again!' said Traddles. 'It's an admirable piece of workmanship--firm +as a rock!' I praised them both, highly, and Traddles replaced the +covering as carefully as he had removed it. + +'It's not a great deal towards the furnishing,' said Traddles, 'but +it's something. The table-cloths, and pillow-cases, and articles of +that kind, are what discourage me most, Copperfield. So does +the ironmongery--candle-boxes, and gridirons, and that sort of +necessaries--because those things tell, and mount up. However, "wait and +hope!" And I assure you she's the dearest girl!' + +'I am quite certain of it,' said I. + +'In the meantime,' said Traddles, coming back to his chair; 'and this is +the end of my prosing about myself, I get on as well as I can. I don't +make much, but I don't spend much. In general, I board with the people +downstairs, who are very agreeable people indeed. Both Mr. and Mrs. +Micawber have seen a good deal of life, and are excellent company.' + +'My dear Traddles!' I quickly exclaimed. 'What are you talking about?' + +Traddles looked at me, as if he wondered what I was talking about. + +'Mr. and Mrs. Micawber!' I repeated. 'Why, I am intimately acquainted +with them!' + +An opportune double knock at the door, which I knew well from old +experience in Windsor Terrace, and which nobody but Mr. Micawber could +ever have knocked at that door, resolved any doubt in my mind as to +their being my old friends. I begged Traddles to ask his landlord +to walk up. Traddles accordingly did so, over the banister; and Mr. +Micawber, not a bit changed--his tights, his stick, his shirt-collar, +and his eye-glass, all the same as ever--came into the room with a +genteel and youthful air. + +'I beg your pardon, Mr. Traddles,' said Mr. Micawber, with the old roll +in his voice, as he checked himself in humming a soft tune. 'I was not +aware that there was any individual, alien to this tenement, in your +sanctum.' + +Mr. Micawber slightly bowed to me, and pulled up his shirt-collar. + +'How do you do, Mr. Micawber?' said I. + +'Sir,' said Mr. Micawber, 'you are exceedingly obliging. I am in statu +quo.' + +'And Mrs. Micawber?' I pursued. + +'Sir,' said Mr. Micawber, 'she is also, thank God, in statu quo.' + +'And the children, Mr. Micawber?' + +'Sir,' said Mr. Micawber, 'I rejoice to reply that they are, likewise, +in the enjoyment of salubrity.' + +All this time, Mr. Micawber had not known me in the least, though he +had stood face to face with me. But now, seeing me smile, he examined my +features with more attention, fell back, cried, 'Is it possible! Have I +the pleasure of again beholding Copperfield!' and shook me by both hands +with the utmost fervour. + +'Good Heaven, Mr. Traddles!' said Mr. Micawber, 'to think that I should +find you acquainted with the friend of my youth, the companion of +earlier days! My dear!' calling over the banisters to Mrs. Micawber, +while Traddles looked (with reason) not a little amazed at this +description of me. 'Here is a gentleman in Mr. Traddles's apartment, +whom he wishes to have the pleasure of presenting to you, my love!' + +Mr. Micawber immediately reappeared, and shook hands with me again. + +'And how is our good friend the Doctor, Copperfield?' said Mr. Micawber, +'and all the circle at Canterbury?' + +'I have none but good accounts of them,' said I. + +'I am most delighted to hear it,' said Mr. Micawber. 'It was at +Canterbury where we last met. Within the shadow, I may figuratively say, +of that religious edifice immortalized by Chaucer, which was anciently +the resort of Pilgrims from the remotest corners of--in short,' said Mr. +Micawber, 'in the immediate neighbourhood of the Cathedral.' + +I replied that it was. Mr. Micawber continued talking as volubly as he +could; but not, I thought, without showing, by some marks of concern in +his countenance, that he was sensible of sounds in the next room, as +of Mrs. Micawber washing her hands, and hurriedly opening and shutting +drawers that were uneasy in their action. + +'You find us, Copperfield,' said Mr. Micawber, with one eye on Traddles, +'at present established, on what may be designated as a small and +unassuming scale; but, you are aware that I have, in the course of my +career, surmounted difficulties, and conquered obstacles. You are no +stranger to the fact, that there have been periods of my life, when it +has been requisite that I should pause, until certain expected events +should turn up; when it has been necessary that I should fall back, +before making what I trust I shall not be accused of presumption in +terming--a spring. The present is one of those momentous stages in the +life of man. You find me, fallen back, FOR a spring; and I have every +reason to believe that a vigorous leap will shortly be the result.' + +I was expressing my satisfaction, when Mrs. Micawber came in; a little +more slatternly than she used to be, or so she seemed now, to my +unaccustomed eyes, but still with some preparation of herself for +company, and with a pair of brown gloves on. + +'My dear,' said Mr. Micawber, leading her towards me, 'here is +a gentleman of the name of Copperfield, who wishes to renew his +acquaintance with you.' + +It would have been better, as it turned out, to have led gently up +to this announcement, for Mrs. Micawber, being in a delicate state of +health, was overcome by it, and was taken so unwell, that Mr. Micawber +was obliged, in great trepidation, to run down to the water-butt in +the backyard, and draw a basinful to lave her brow with. She +presently revived, however, and was really pleased to see me. We had +half-an-hour's talk, all together; and I asked her about the twins, +who, she said, were 'grown great creatures'; and after Master and Miss +Micawber, whom she described as 'absolute giants', but they were not +produced on that occasion. + +Mr. Micawber was very anxious that I should stay to dinner. I should not +have been averse to do so, but that I imagined I detected trouble, and +calculation relative to the extent of the cold meat, in Mrs. Micawber's +eye. I therefore pleaded another engagement; and observing that Mrs. +Micawber's spirits were immediately lightened, I resisted all persuasion +to forego it. + +But I told Traddles, and Mr. and Mrs. Micawber, that before I could +think of leaving, they must appoint a day when they would come and dine +with me. The occupations to which Traddles stood pledged, rendered it +necessary to fix a somewhat distant one; but an appointment was made for +the purpose, that suited us all, and then I took my leave. + +Mr. Micawber, under pretence of showing me a nearer way than that by +which I had come, accompanied me to the corner of the street; being +anxious (he explained to me) to say a few words to an old friend, in +confidence. + +'My dear Copperfield,' said Mr. Micawber, 'I need hardly tell you that +to have beneath our roof, under existing circumstances, a mind like that +which gleams--if I may be allowed the expression--which gleams--in your +friend Traddles, is an unspeakable comfort. With a washerwoman, who +exposes hard-bake for sale in her parlour-window, dwelling next door, +and a Bow-street officer residing over the way, you may imagine that his +society is a source of consolation to myself and to Mrs. Micawber. I +am at present, my dear Copperfield, engaged in the sale of corn upon +commission. It is not an avocation of a remunerative description--in +other words, it does not pay--and some temporary embarrassments of a +pecuniary nature have been the consequence. I am, however, delighted to +add that I have now an immediate prospect of something turning up (I am +not at liberty to say in what direction), which I trust will enable me +to provide, permanently, both for myself and for your friend Traddles, +in whom I have an unaffected interest. You may, perhaps, be prepared +to hear that Mrs. Micawber is in a state of health which renders it +not wholly improbable that an addition may be ultimately made to those +pledges of affection which--in short, to the infantine group. Mrs. +Micawber's family have been so good as to express their dissatisfaction +at this state of things. I have merely to observe, that I am not aware +that it is any business of theirs, and that I repel that exhibition of +feeling with scorn, and with defiance!' + +Mr. Micawber then shook hands with me again, and left me. + + + +CHAPTER 28. Mr. MICAWBER'S GAUNTLET + + +Until the day arrived on which I was to entertain my newly-found +old friends, I lived principally on Dora and coffee. In my love-lorn +condition, my appetite languished; and I was glad of it, for I felt +as though it would have been an act of perfidy towards Dora to have a +natural relish for my dinner. The quantity of walking exercise I took, +was not in this respect attended with its usual consequence, as the +disappointment counteracted the fresh air. I have my doubts, too, +founded on the acute experience acquired at this period of my life, +whether a sound enjoyment of animal food can develop itself freely in +any human subject who is always in torment from tight boots. I think +the extremities require to be at peace before the stomach will conduct +itself with vigour. + +On the occasion of this domestic little party, I did not repeat my +former extensive preparations. I merely provided a pair of soles, +a small leg of mutton, and a pigeon-pie. Mrs. Crupp broke out into +rebellion on my first bashful hint in reference to the cooking of the +fish and joint, and said, with a dignified sense of injury, 'No! No, +sir! You will not ask me sich a thing, for you are better acquainted +with me than to suppose me capable of doing what I cannot do with ampial +satisfaction to my own feelings!' But, in the end, a compromise was +effected; and Mrs. Crupp consented to achieve this feat, on condition +that I dined from home for a fortnight afterwards. + +And here I may remark, that what I underwent from Mrs. Crupp, in +consequence of the tyranny she established over me, was dreadful. I +never was so much afraid of anyone. We made a compromise of everything. +If I hesitated, she was taken with that wonderful disorder which was +always lying in ambush in her system, ready, at the shortest notice, to +prey upon her vitals. If I rang the bell impatiently, after half-a-dozen +unavailing modest pulls, and she appeared at last--which was not by any +means to be relied upon--she would appear with a reproachful aspect, +sink breathless on a chair near the door, lay her hand upon her nankeen +bosom, and become so ill, that I was glad, at any sacrifice of brandy or +anything else, to get rid of her. If I objected to having my bed made at +five o'clock in the afternoon--which I do still think an uncomfortable +arrangement--one motion of her hand towards the same nankeen region of +wounded sensibility was enough to make me falter an apology. In short, +I would have done anything in an honourable way rather than give Mrs. +Crupp offence; and she was the terror of my life. + +I bought a second-hand dumb-waiter for this dinner-party, in preference +to re-engaging the handy young man; against whom I had conceived a +prejudice, in consequence of meeting him in the Strand, one Sunday +morning, in a waistcoat remarkably like one of mine, which had been +missing since the former occasion. The 'young gal' was re-engaged; but +on the stipulation that she should only bring in the dishes, and then +withdraw to the landing-place, beyond the outer door; where a habit of +sniffing she had contracted would be lost upon the guests, and where her +retiring on the plates would be a physical impossibility. + +Having laid in the materials for a bowl of punch, to be compounded +by Mr. Micawber; having provided a bottle of lavender-water, two +wax-candles, a paper of mixed pins, and a pincushion, to assist Mrs. +Micawber in her toilette at my dressing-table; having also caused the +fire in my bedroom to be lighted for Mrs. Micawber's convenience; and +having laid the cloth with my own hands, I awaited the result with +composure. + +At the appointed time, my three visitors arrived together. Mr. Micawber +with more shirt-collar than usual, and a new ribbon to his eye-glass; +Mrs. Micawber with her cap in a whitey-brown paper parcel; Traddles +carrying the parcel, and supporting Mrs. Micawber on his arm. They were +all delighted with my residence. When I conducted Mrs. Micawber to my +dressing-table, and she saw the scale on which it was prepared for her, +she was in such raptures, that she called Mr. Micawber to come in and +look. + +'My dear Copperfield,' said Mr. Micawber, 'this is luxurious. This is a +way of life which reminds me of the period when I was myself in a state +of celibacy, and Mrs. Micawber had not yet been solicited to plight her +faith at the Hymeneal altar.' + +'He means, solicited by him, Mr. Copperfield,' said Mrs. Micawber, +archly. 'He cannot answer for others.' + +'My dear,' returned Mr. Micawber with sudden seriousness, 'I have no +desire to answer for others. I am too well aware that when, in the +inscrutable decrees of Fate, you were reserved for me, it is possible +you may have been reserved for one, destined, after a protracted +struggle, at length to fall a victim to pecuniary involvements of a +complicated nature. I understand your allusion, my love. I regret it, +but I can bear it.' + +'Micawber!' exclaimed Mrs. Micawber, in tears. 'Have I deserved this! I, +who never have deserted you; who never WILL desert you, Micawber!' 'My +love,' said Mr. Micawber, much affected, 'you will forgive, and our old +and tried friend Copperfield will, I am sure, forgive, the momentary +laceration of a wounded spirit, made sensitive by a recent collision +with the Minion of Power--in other words, with a ribald Turncock +attached to the water-works--and will pity, not condemn, its excesses.' + +Mr. Micawber then embraced Mrs. Micawber, and pressed my hand; leaving +me to infer from this broken allusion that his domestic supply of +water had been cut off that afternoon, in consequence of default in the +payment of the company's rates. + +To divert his thoughts from this melancholy subject, I informed Mr. +Micawber that I relied upon him for a bowl of punch, and led him to +the lemons. His recent despondency, not to say despair, was gone in a +moment. I never saw a man so thoroughly enjoy himself amid the fragrance +of lemon-peel and sugar, the odour of burning rum, and the steam of +boiling water, as Mr. Micawber did that afternoon. It was wonderful to +see his face shining at us out of a thin cloud of these delicate fumes, +as he stirred, and mixed, and tasted, and looked as if he were making, +instead of punch, a fortune for his family down to the latest posterity. +As to Mrs. Micawber, I don't know whether it was the effect of the cap, +or the lavender-water, or the pins, or the fire, or the wax-candles, but +she came out of my room, comparatively speaking, lovely. And the lark +was never gayer than that excellent woman. + +I suppose--I never ventured to inquire, but I suppose--that Mrs. Crupp, +after frying the soles, was taken ill. Because we broke down at that +point. The leg of mutton came up very red within, and very pale without: +besides having a foreign substance of a gritty nature sprinkled over +it, as if if had had a fall into the ashes of that remarkable kitchen +fireplace. But we were not in condition to judge of this fact from the +appearance of the gravy, forasmuch as the 'young gal' had dropped it all +upon the stairs--where it remained, by the by, in a long train, until it +was worn out. The pigeon-pie was not bad, but it was a delusive pie: the +crust being like a disappointing head, phrenologically speaking: full +of lumps and bumps, with nothing particular underneath. In short, the +banquet was such a failure that I should have been quite unhappy--about +the failure, I mean, for I was always unhappy about Dora--if I had not +been relieved by the great good humour of my company, and by a bright +suggestion from Mr. Micawber. + +'My dear friend Copperfield,' said Mr. Micawber, 'accidents will occur +in the best-regulated families; and in families not regulated by that +pervading influence which sanctifies while it enhances the--a--I would +say, in short, by the influence of Woman, in the lofty character of +Wife, they may be expected with confidence, and must be borne with +philosophy. If you will allow me to take the liberty of remarking that +there are few comestibles better, in their way, than a Devil, and that +I believe, with a little division of labour, we could accomplish a good +one if the young person in attendance could produce a gridiron, I would +put it to you, that this little misfortune may be easily repaired.' + +There was a gridiron in the pantry, on which my morning rasher of +bacon was cooked. We had it in, in a twinkling, and immediately applied +ourselves to carrying Mr. Micawber's idea into effect. The division of +labour to which he had referred was this:--Traddles cut the mutton into +slices; Mr. Micawber (who could do anything of this sort to perfection) +covered them with pepper, mustard, salt, and cayenne; I put them on +the gridiron, turned them with a fork, and took them off, under Mr. +Micawber's direction; and Mrs. Micawber heated, and continually stirred, +some mushroom ketchup in a little saucepan. When we had slices enough +done to begin upon, we fell-to, with our sleeves still tucked up at the +wrist, more slices sputtering and blazing on the fire, and our attention +divided between the mutton on our plates, and the mutton then preparing. + +What with the novelty of this cookery, the excellence of it, the bustle +of it, the frequent starting up to look after it, the frequent sitting +down to dispose of it as the crisp slices came off the gridiron hot and +hot, the being so busy, so flushed with the fire, so amused, and in the +midst of such a tempting noise and savour, we reduced the leg of mutton +to the bone. My own appetite came back miraculously. I am ashamed to +record it, but I really believe I forgot Dora for a little while. I am +satisfied that Mr. and Mrs. Micawber could not have enjoyed the +feast more, if they had sold a bed to provide it. Traddles laughed as +heartily, almost the whole time, as he ate and worked. Indeed we all +did, all at once; and I dare say there was never a greater success. + +We were at the height of our enjoyment, and were all busily engaged, in +our several departments, endeavouring to bring the last batch of slices +to a state of perfection that should crown the feast, when I was aware +of a strange presence in the room, and my eyes encountered those of the +staid Littimer, standing hat in hand before me. + +'What's the matter?' I involuntarily asked. + +'I beg your pardon, sir, I was directed to come in. Is my master not +here, sir?' + +'No.' + +'Have you not seen him, sir?' + +'No; don't you come from him?' + +'Not immediately so, sir.' + +'Did he tell you you would find him here?' + +'Not exactly so, sir. But I should think he might be here tomorrow, as +he has not been here today.' 'Is he coming up from Oxford?' + +'I beg, sir,' he returned respectfully, 'that you will be seated, and +allow me to do this.' With which he took the fork from my unresisting +hand, and bent over the gridiron, as if his whole attention were +concentrated on it. + +We should not have been much discomposed, I dare say, by the appearance +of Steerforth himself, but we became in a moment the meekest of the meek +before his respectable serving-man. Mr. Micawber, humming a tune, to +show that he was quite at ease, subsided into his chair, with the handle +of a hastily concealed fork sticking out of the bosom of his coat, as +if he had stabbed himself. Mrs. Micawber put on her brown gloves, and +assumed a genteel languor. Traddles ran his greasy hands through +his hair, and stood it bolt upright, and stared in confusion on the +table-cloth. As for me, I was a mere infant at the head of my own table; +and hardly ventured to glance at the respectable phenomenon, who had +come from Heaven knows where, to put my establishment to rights. + +Meanwhile he took the mutton off the gridiron, and gravely handed it +round. We all took some, but our appreciation of it was gone, and we +merely made a show of eating it. As we severally pushed away our plates, +he noiselessly removed them, and set on the cheese. He took that off, +too, when it was done with; cleared the table; piled everything on the +dumb-waiter; gave us our wine-glasses; and, of his own accord, wheeled +the dumb-waiter into the pantry. All this was done in a perfect manner, +and he never raised his eyes from what he was about. Yet his very +elbows, when he had his back towards me, seemed to teem with the +expression of his fixed opinion that I was extremely young. + +'Can I do anything more, sir?' + +I thanked him and said, No; but would he take no dinner himself? + +'None, I am obliged to you, sir.' + +'Is Mr. Steerforth coming from Oxford?' + +'I beg your pardon, sir?' + +'Is Mr. Steerforth coming from Oxford?' + +'I should imagine that he might be here tomorrow, sir. I rather thought +he might have been here today, sir. The mistake is mine, no doubt, sir.' + +'If you should see him first--' said I. + +'If you'll excuse me, sir, I don't think I shall see him first.' + +'In case you do,' said I, 'pray say that I am sorry he was not here +today, as an old schoolfellow of his was here.' + +'Indeed, sir!' and he divided a bow between me and Traddles, with a +glance at the latter. + +He was moving softly to the door, when, in a forlorn hope of saying +something naturally--which I never could, to this man--I said: + +'Oh! Littimer!' + +'Sir!' + +'Did you remain long at Yarmouth, that time?' + +'Not particularly so, sir.' + +'You saw the boat completed?' + +'Yes, sir. I remained behind on purpose to see the boat completed.' + +'I know!' He raised his eyes to mine respectfully. + +'Mr. Steerforth has not seen it yet, I suppose?' + +'I really can't say, sir. I think--but I really can't say, sir. I wish +you good night, sir.' + +He comprehended everybody present, in the respectful bow with which he +followed these words, and disappeared. My visitors seemed to breathe +more freely when he was gone; but my own relief was very great, for +besides the constraint, arising from that extraordinary sense of +being at a disadvantage which I always had in this man's presence, my +conscience had embarrassed me with whispers that I had mistrusted his +master, and I could not repress a vague uneasy dread that he might +find it out. How was it, having so little in reality to conceal, that I +always DID feel as if this man were finding me out? + +Mr. Micawber roused me from this reflection, which was blended with +a certain remorseful apprehension of seeing Steerforth himself, by +bestowing many encomiums on the absent Littimer as a most respectable +fellow, and a thoroughly admirable servant. Mr. Micawber, I may remark, +had taken his full share of the general bow, and had received it with +infinite condescension. + +'But punch, my dear Copperfield,' said Mr. Micawber, tasting it, 'like +time and tide, waits for no man. Ah! it is at the present moment in high +flavour. My love, will you give me your opinion?' + +Mrs. Micawber pronounced it excellent. + +'Then I will drink,' said Mr. Micawber, 'if my friend Copperfield +will permit me to take that social liberty, to the days when my friend +Copperfield and myself were younger, and fought our way in the world +side by side. I may say, of myself and Copperfield, in words we have +sung together before now, that + + We twa hae run about the braes + And pu'd the gowans' fine +--in a figurative point of view--on several occasions. I am not exactly +aware,' said Mr. Micawber, with the old roll in his voice, and the old +indescribable air of saying something genteel, 'what gowans may be, but +I have no doubt that Copperfield and myself would frequently have taken +a pull at them, if it had been feasible.' + +Mr. Micawber, at the then present moment, took a pull at his punch. So +we all did: Traddles evidently lost in wondering at what distant time +Mr. Micawber and I could have been comrades in the battle of the world. + +'Ahem!' said Mr. Micawber, clearing his throat, and warming with the +punch and with the fire. 'My dear, another glass?' + +Mrs. Micawber said it must be very little; but we couldn't allow that, +so it was a glassful. + +'As we are quite confidential here, Mr. Copperfield,' said Mrs. +Micawber, sipping her punch, 'Mr. Traddles being a part of our +domesticity, I should much like to have your opinion on Mr. Micawber's +prospects. For corn,' said Mrs. Micawber argumentatively, 'as I have +repeatedly said to Mr. Micawber, may be gentlemanly, but it is not +remunerative. Commission to the extent of two and ninepence in +a fortnight cannot, however limited our ideas, be considered +remunerative.' + +We were all agreed upon that. + +'Then,' said Mrs. Micawber, who prided herself on taking a clear view of +things, and keeping Mr. Micawber straight by her woman's wisdom, when he +might otherwise go a little crooked, 'then I ask myself this question. +If corn is not to be relied upon, what is? Are coals to be relied upon? +Not at all. We have turned our attention to that experiment, on the +suggestion of my family, and we find it fallacious.' + +Mr. Micawber, leaning back in his chair with his hands in his pockets, +eyed us aside, and nodded his head, as much as to say that the case was +very clearly put. + +'The articles of corn and coals,' said Mrs. Micawber, still more +argumentatively, 'being equally out of the question, Mr. Copperfield, +I naturally look round the world, and say, "What is there in which a +person of Mr. Micawber's talent is likely to succeed?" And I exclude +the doing anything on commission, because commission is not a certainty. +What is best suited to a person of Mr. Micawber's peculiar temperament +is, I am convinced, a certainty.' + +Traddles and I both expressed, by a feeling murmur, that this great +discovery was no doubt true of Mr. Micawber, and that it did him much +credit. + +'I will not conceal from you, my dear Mr. Copperfield,' said Mrs. +Micawber, 'that I have long felt the Brewing business to be particularly +adapted to Mr. Micawber. Look at Barclay and Perkins! Look at Truman, +Hanbury, and Buxton! It is on that extensive footing that Mr. Micawber, +I know from my own knowledge of him, is calculated to shine; and the +profits, I am told, are e-NOR-MOUS! But if Mr. Micawber cannot get into +those firms--which decline to answer his letters, when he offers his +services even in an inferior capacity--what is the use of dwelling upon +that idea? None. I may have a conviction that Mr. Micawber's manners--' + +'Hem! Really, my dear,' interposed Mr. Micawber. + +'My love, be silent,' said Mrs. Micawber, laying her brown glove on his +hand. 'I may have a conviction, Mr. Copperfield, that Mr. Micawber's +manners peculiarly qualify him for the Banking business. I may argue +within myself, that if I had a deposit at a banking-house, the manners +of Mr. Micawber, as representing that banking-house, would inspire +confidence, and must extend the connexion. But if the various +banking-houses refuse to avail themselves of Mr. Micawber's abilities, +or receive the offer of them with contumely, what is the use of dwelling +upon THAT idea? None. As to originating a banking-business, I may know +that there are members of my family who, if they chose to place their +money in Mr. Micawber's hands, might found an establishment of that +description. But if they do NOT choose to place their money in Mr. +Micawber's hands--which they don't--what is the use of that? Again I +contend that we are no farther advanced than we were before.' + +I shook my head, and said, 'Not a bit.' Traddles also shook his head, +and said, 'Not a bit.' + +'What do I deduce from this?' Mrs. Micawber went on to say, still with +the same air of putting a case lucidly. 'What is the conclusion, my +dear Mr. Copperfield, to which I am irresistibly brought? Am I wrong in +saying, it is clear that we must live?' + +I answered 'Not at all!' and Traddles answered 'Not at all!' and I found +myself afterwards sagely adding, alone, that a person must either live +or die. + +'Just so,' returned Mrs. Micawber, 'It is precisely that. And the fact +is, my dear Mr. Copperfield, that we can not live without something +widely different from existing circumstances shortly turning up. Now +I am convinced, myself, and this I have pointed out to Mr. Micawber +several times of late, that things cannot be expected to turn up of +themselves. We must, in a measure, assist to turn them up. I may be +wrong, but I have formed that opinion.' + +Both Traddles and I applauded it highly. + +'Very well,' said Mrs. Micawber. 'Then what do I recommend? Here is Mr. +Micawber with a variety of qualifications--with great talent--' + +'Really, my love,' said Mr. Micawber. + +'Pray, my dear, allow me to conclude. Here is Mr. Micawber, with a +variety of qualifications, with great talent--I should say, with genius, +but that may be the partiality of a wife--' + +Traddles and I both murmured 'No.' + +'And here is Mr. Micawber without any suitable position or employment. +Where does that responsibility rest? Clearly on society. Then I would +make a fact so disgraceful known, and boldly challenge society to set it +right. It appears to me, my dear Mr. Copperfield,' said Mrs. Micawber, +forcibly, 'that what Mr. Micawber has to do, is to throw down the +gauntlet to society, and say, in effect, "Show me who will take that up. +Let the party immediately step forward."' + +I ventured to ask Mrs. Micawber how this was to be done. + +'By advertising,' said Mrs. Micawber--'in all the papers. It appears to +me, that what Mr. Micawber has to do, in justice to himself, in justice +to his family, and I will even go so far as to say in justice to +society, by which he has been hitherto overlooked, is to advertise in +all the papers; to describe himself plainly as so-and-so, with such and +such qualifications and to put it thus: "Now employ me, on remunerative +terms, and address, post-paid, to W. M., Post Office, Camden Town."' + +'This idea of Mrs. Micawber's, my dear Copperfield,' said Mr. Micawber, +making his shirt-collar meet in front of his chin, and glancing at me +sideways, 'is, in fact, the Leap to which I alluded, when I last had the +pleasure of seeing you.' + +'Advertising is rather expensive,' I remarked, dubiously. + +'Exactly so!' said Mrs. Micawber, preserving the same logical air. +'Quite true, my dear Mr. Copperfield! I have made the identical +observation to Mr. Micawber. It is for that reason especially, that I +think Mr. Micawber ought (as I have already said, in justice to himself, +in justice to his family, and in justice to society) to raise a certain +sum of money--on a bill.' + +Mr. Micawber, leaning back in his chair, trifled with his eye-glass +and cast his eyes up at the ceiling; but I thought him observant of +Traddles, too, who was looking at the fire. + +'If no member of my family,' said Mrs. Micawber, 'is possessed of +sufficient natural feeling to negotiate that bill--I believe there is a +better business-term to express what I mean--' + +Mr. Micawber, with his eyes still cast up at the ceiling, suggested +'Discount.' + +'To discount that bill,' said Mrs. Micawber, 'then my opinion is, that +Mr. Micawber should go into the City, should take that bill into the +Money Market, and should dispose of it for what he can get. If the +individuals in the Money Market oblige Mr. Micawber to sustain a great +sacrifice, that is between themselves and their consciences. I view +it, steadily, as an investment. I recommend Mr. Micawber, my dear Mr. +Copperfield, to do the same; to regard it as an investment which is sure +of return, and to make up his mind to any sacrifice.' + +I felt, but I am sure I don't know why, that this was self-denying +and devoted in Mrs. Micawber, and I uttered a murmur to that effect. +Traddles, who took his tone from me, did likewise, still looking at the +fire. + +'I will not,' said Mrs. Micawber, finishing her punch, and gathering her +scarf about her shoulders, preparatory to her withdrawal to my bedroom: +'I will not protract these remarks on the subject of Mr. Micawber's +pecuniary affairs. At your fireside, my dear Mr. Copperfield, and in the +presence of Mr. Traddles, who, though not so old a friend, is quite one +of ourselves, I could not refrain from making you acquainted with the +course I advise Mr. Micawber to take. I feel that the time is arrived +when Mr. Micawber should exert himself and--I will add--assert himself, +and it appears to me that these are the means. I am aware that I am +merely a female, and that a masculine judgement is usually considered +more competent to the discussion of such questions; still I must not +forget that, when I lived at home with my papa and mama, my papa was in +the habit of saying, "Emma's form is fragile, but her grasp of a subject +is inferior to none." That my papa was too partial, I well know; but +that he was an observer of character in some degree, my duty and my +reason equally forbid me to doubt.' + +With these words, and resisting our entreaties that she would grace +the remaining circulation of the punch with her presence, Mrs. Micawber +retired to my bedroom. And really I felt that she was a noble woman--the +sort of woman who might have been a Roman matron, and done all manner of +heroic things, in times of public trouble. + +In the fervour of this impression, I congratulated Mr. Micawber on the +treasure he possessed. So did Traddles. Mr. Micawber extended his +hand to each of us in succession, and then covered his face with his +pocket-handkerchief, which I think had more snuff upon it than he +was aware of. He then returned to the punch, in the highest state of +exhilaration. + +He was full of eloquence. He gave us to understand that in our children +we lived again, and that, under the pressure of pecuniary difficulties, +any accession to their number was doubly welcome. He said that Mrs. +Micawber had latterly had her doubts on this point, but that he had +dispelled them, and reassured her. As to her family, they were totally +unworthy of her, and their sentiments were utterly indifferent to him, +and they might--I quote his own expression--go to the Devil. + +Mr. Micawber then delivered a warm eulogy on Traddles. He said +Traddles's was a character, to the steady virtues of which he (Mr. +Micawber) could lay no claim, but which, he thanked Heaven, he could +admire. He feelingly alluded to the young lady, unknown, whom Traddles +had honoured with his affection, and who had reciprocated that affection +by honouring and blessing Traddles with her affection. Mr. Micawber +pledged her. So did I. Traddles thanked us both, by saying, with a +simplicity and honesty I had sense enough to be quite charmed with, +'I am very much obliged to you indeed. And I do assure you, she's the +dearest girl!--' + +Mr. Micawber took an early opportunity, after that, of hinting, with the +utmost delicacy and ceremony, at the state of my affections. Nothing +but the serious assurance of his friend Copperfield to the contrary, +he observed, could deprive him of the impression that his friend +Copperfield loved and was beloved. After feeling very hot and +uncomfortable for some time, and after a good deal of blushing, +stammering, and denying, I said, having my glass in my hand, 'Well! I +would give them D.!' which so excited and gratified Mr. Micawber, +that he ran with a glass of punch into my bedroom, in order that Mrs. +Micawber might drink D., who drank it with enthusiasm, crying from +within, in a shrill voice, 'Hear, hear! My dear Mr. Copperfield, I am +delighted. Hear!' and tapping at the wall, by way of applause. + +Our conversation, afterwards, took a more worldly turn; Mr. Micawber +telling us that he found Camden Town inconvenient, and that the first +thing he contemplated doing, when the advertisement should have been the +cause of something satisfactory turning up, was to move. He mentioned +a terrace at the western end of Oxford Street, fronting Hyde Park, on +which he had always had his eye, but which he did not expect to attain +immediately, as it would require a large establishment. There would +probably be an interval, he explained, in which he should content +himself with the upper part of a house, over some respectable place of +business--say in Piccadilly,--which would be a cheerful situation for +Mrs. Micawber; and where, by throwing out a bow-window, or carrying up +the roof another story, or making some little alteration of that sort, +they might live, comfortably and reputably, for a few years. Whatever +was reserved for him, he expressly said, or wherever his abode might be, +we might rely on this--there would always be a room for Traddles, and a +knife and fork for me. We acknowledged his kindness; and he begged us +to forgive his having launched into these practical and business-like +details, and to excuse it as natural in one who was making entirely new +arrangements in life. + +Mrs. Micawber, tapping at the wall again to know if tea were ready, +broke up this particular phase of our friendly conversation. She made +tea for us in a most agreeable manner; and, whenever I went near her, in +handing about the tea-cups and bread-and-butter, asked me, in a whisper, +whether D. was fair, or dark, or whether she was short, or tall: or +something of that kind; which I think I liked. After tea, we discussed a +variety of topics before the fire; and Mrs. Micawber was good enough +to sing us (in a small, thin, flat voice, which I remembered to have +considered, when I first knew her, the very table-beer of acoustics) the +favourite ballads of 'The Dashing White Sergeant', and 'Little Tafflin'. +For both of these songs Mrs. Micawber had been famous when she lived at +home with her papa and mama. Mr. Micawber told us, that when he heard +her sing the first one, on the first occasion of his seeing her beneath +the parental roof, she had attracted his attention in an extraordinary +degree; but that when it came to Little Tafflin, he had resolved to win +that woman or perish in the attempt. + +It was between ten and eleven o'clock when Mrs. Micawber rose to replace +her cap in the whitey-brown paper parcel, and to put on her bonnet. Mr. +Micawber took the opportunity of Traddles putting on his great-coat, to +slip a letter into my hand, with a whispered request that I would read +it at my leisure. I also took the opportunity of my holding a candle +over the banisters to light them down, when Mr. Micawber was going +first, leading Mrs. Micawber, and Traddles was following with the cap, +to detain Traddles for a moment on the top of the stairs. + +'Traddles,' said I, 'Mr. Micawber don't mean any harm, poor fellow: but, +if I were you, I wouldn't lend him anything.' + +'My dear Copperfield,' returned Traddles, smiling, 'I haven't got +anything to lend.' + +'You have got a name, you know,' said I. + +'Oh! You call THAT something to lend?' returned Traddles, with a +thoughtful look. + +'Certainly.' + +'Oh!' said Traddles. 'Yes, to be sure! I am very much obliged to you, +Copperfield; but--I am afraid I have lent him that already.' + +'For the bill that is to be a certain investment?' I inquired. + +'No,' said Traddles. 'Not for that one. This is the first I have heard +of that one. I have been thinking that he will most likely propose that +one, on the way home. Mine's another.' + +'I hope there will be nothing wrong about it,' said I. 'I hope not,' +said Traddles. 'I should think not, though, because he told me, only the +other day, that it was provided for. That was Mr. Micawber's expression, +"Provided for."' + +Mr. Micawber looking up at this juncture to where we were standing, I +had only time to repeat my caution. Traddles thanked me, and descended. +But I was much afraid, when I observed the good-natured manner in which +he went down with the cap in his hand, and gave Mrs. Micawber his arm, +that he would be carried into the Money Market neck and heels. + +I returned to my fireside, and was musing, half gravely and half +laughing, on the character of Mr. Micawber and the old relations between +us, when I heard a quick step ascending the stairs. At first, I thought +it was Traddles coming back for something Mrs. Micawber had left behind; +but as the step approached, I knew it, and felt my heart beat high, and +the blood rush to my face, for it was Steerforth's. + +I was never unmindful of Agnes, and she never left that sanctuary in my +thoughts--if I may call it so--where I had placed her from the first. +But when he entered, and stood before me with his hand out, the darkness +that had fallen on him changed to light, and I felt confounded and +ashamed of having doubted one I loved so heartily. I loved her none the +less; I thought of her as the same benignant, gentle angel in my life; I +reproached myself, not her, with having done him an injury; and I would +have made him any atonement if I had known what to make, and how to make +it. + +'Why, Daisy, old boy, dumb-foundered!' laughed Steerforth, shaking +my hand heartily, and throwing it gaily away. 'Have I detected you in +another feast, you Sybarite! These Doctors' Commons fellows are the +gayest men in town, I believe, and beat us sober Oxford people all to +nothing!' His bright glance went merrily round the room, as he took +the seat on the sofa opposite to me, which Mrs. Micawber had recently +vacated, and stirred the fire into a blaze. + +'I was so surprised at first,' said I, giving him welcome with all +the cordiality I felt, 'that I had hardly breath to greet you with, +Steerforth.' + +'Well, the sight of me is good for sore eyes, as the Scotch say,' +replied Steerforth, 'and so is the sight of you, Daisy, in full bloom. +How are you, my Bacchanal?' + +'I am very well,' said I; 'and not at all Bacchanalian tonight, though I +confess to another party of three.' + +'All of whom I met in the street, talking loud in your praise,' returned +Steerforth. 'Who's our friend in the tights?' + +I gave him the best idea I could, in a few words, of Mr. Micawber. He +laughed heartily at my feeble portrait of that gentleman, and said he +was a man to know, and he must know him. 'But who do you suppose our +other friend is?' said I, in my turn. + +'Heaven knows,' said Steerforth. 'Not a bore, I hope? I thought he +looked a little like one.' + +'Traddles!' I replied, triumphantly. + +'Who's he?' asked Steerforth, in his careless way. + +'Don't you remember Traddles? Traddles in our room at Salem House?' + +'Oh! That fellow!' said Steerforth, beating a lump of coal on the top +of the fire, with the poker. 'Is he as soft as ever? And where the deuce +did you pick him up?' + +I extolled Traddles in reply, as highly as I could; for I felt that +Steerforth rather slighted him. Steerforth, dismissing the subject with +a light nod, and a smile, and the remark that he would be glad to see +the old fellow too, for he had always been an odd fish, inquired if I +could give him anything to eat? During most of this short dialogue, when +he had not been speaking in a wild vivacious manner, he had sat idly +beating on the lump of coal with the poker. I observed that he did the +same thing while I was getting out the remains of the pigeon-pie, and so +forth. + +'Why, Daisy, here's a supper for a king!' he exclaimed, starting out of +his silence with a burst, and taking his seat at the table. 'I shall do +it justice, for I have come from Yarmouth.' + +'I thought you came from Oxford?' I returned. + +'Not I,' said Steerforth. 'I have been seafaring--better employed.' + +'Littimer was here today, to inquire for you,' I remarked, 'and I +understood him that you were at Oxford; though, now I think of it, he +certainly did not say so.' + +'Littimer is a greater fool than I thought him, to have been inquiring +for me at all,' said Steerforth, jovially pouring out a glass of wine, +and drinking to me. 'As to understanding him, you are a cleverer fellow +than most of us, Daisy, if you can do that.' + +'That's true, indeed,' said I, moving my chair to the table. 'So you +have been at Yarmouth, Steerforth!' interested to know all about it. +'Have you been there long?' + +'No,' he returned. 'An escapade of a week or so.' + +'And how are they all? Of course, little Emily is not married yet?' + +'Not yet. Going to be, I believe--in so many weeks, or months, or +something or other. I have not seen much of 'em. By the by'; he laid +down his knife and fork, which he had been using with great diligence, +and began feeling in his pockets; 'I have a letter for you.' + +'From whom?' + +'Why, from your old nurse,' he returned, taking some papers out of his +breast pocket. "'J. Steerforth, Esquire, debtor, to The Willing +Mind"; that's not it. Patience, and we'll find it presently. Old +what's-his-name's in a bad way, and it's about that, I believe.' + +'Barkis, do you mean?' + +'Yes!' still feeling in his pockets, and looking over their contents: +'it's all over with poor Barkis, I am afraid. I saw a little apothecary +there--surgeon, or whatever he is--who brought your worship into the +world. He was mighty learned about the case, to me; but the upshot of +his opinion was, that the carrier was making his last journey rather +fast.---Put your hand into the breast pocket of my great-coat on the +chair yonder, and I think you'll find the letter. Is it there?' + +'Here it is!' said I. + +'That's right!' + +It was from Peggotty; something less legible than usual, and brief. It +informed me of her husband's hopeless state, and hinted at his being +'a little nearer' than heretofore, and consequently more difficult +to manage for his own comfort. It said nothing of her weariness +and watching, and praised him highly. It was written with a plain, +unaffected, homely piety that I knew to be genuine, and ended with 'my +duty to my ever darling'--meaning myself. + +While I deciphered it, Steerforth continued to eat and drink. + +'It's a bad job,' he said, when I had done; 'but the sun sets every day, +and people die every minute, and we mustn't be scared by the common lot. +If we failed to hold our own, because that equal foot at all men's doors +was heard knocking somewhere, every object in this world would slip from +us. No! Ride on! Rough-shod if need be, smooth-shod if that will do, but +ride on! Ride on over all obstacles, and win the race!' + +'And win what race?' said I. + +'The race that one has started in,' said he. 'Ride on!' + +I noticed, I remember, as he paused, looking at me with his handsome +head a little thrown back, and his glass raised in his hand, that, +though the freshness of the sea-wind was on his face, and it was ruddy, +there were traces in it, made since I last saw it, as if he had applied +himself to some habitual strain of the fervent energy which, when +roused, was so passionately roused within him. I had it in my thoughts +to remonstrate with him upon his desperate way of pursuing any fancy +that he took--such as this buffeting of rough seas, and braving of hard +weather, for example--when my mind glanced off to the immediate subject +of our conversation again, and pursued that instead. + +'I tell you what, Steerforth,' said I, 'if your high spirits will listen +to me--' + +'They are potent spirits, and will do whatever you like,' he answered, +moving from the table to the fireside again. + +'Then I tell you what, Steerforth. I think I will go down and see my +old nurse. It is not that I can do her any good, or render her any real +service; but she is so attached to me that my visit will have as much +effect on her, as if I could do both. She will take it so kindly that it +will be a comfort and support to her. It is no great effort to make, +I am sure, for such a friend as she has been to me. Wouldn't you go a +day's journey, if you were in my place?' + +His face was thoughtful, and he sat considering a little before he +answered, in a low voice, 'Well! Go. You can do no harm.' + +'You have just come back,' said I, 'and it would be in vain to ask you +to go with me?' + +'Quite,' he returned. 'I am for Highgate tonight. I have not seen +my mother this long time, and it lies upon my conscience, for +it's something to be loved as she loves her prodigal son.---Bah! +Nonsense!--You mean to go tomorrow, I suppose?' he said, holding me out +at arm's length, with a hand on each of my shoulders. + +'Yes, I think so.' + +'Well, then, don't go till next day. I wanted you to come and stay a +few days with us. Here I am, on purpose to bid you, and you fly off to +Yarmouth!' + +'You are a nice fellow to talk of flying off, Steerforth, who are always +running wild on some unknown expedition or other!' + +He looked at me for a moment without speaking, and then rejoined, still +holding me as before, and giving me a shake: + +'Come! Say the next day, and pass as much of tomorrow as you can with +us! Who knows when we may meet again, else? Come! Say the next day! I +want you to stand between Rosa Dartle and me, and keep us asunder.' + +'Would you love each other too much, without me?' + +'Yes; or hate,' laughed Steerforth; 'no matter which. Come! Say the next +day!' + +I said the next day; and he put on his great-coat and lighted his cigar, +and set off to walk home. Finding him in this intention, I put on my own +great-coat (but did not light my own cigar, having had enough of that +for one while) and walked with him as far as the open road: a dull road, +then, at night. He was in great spirits all the way; and when we parted, +and I looked after him going so gallantly and airily homeward, I thought +of his saying, 'Ride on over all obstacles, and win the race!' and +wished, for the first time, that he had some worthy race to run. + +I was undressing in my own room, when Mr. Micawber's letter tumbled on +the floor. Thus reminded of it, I broke the seal and read as follows. It +was dated an hour and a half before dinner. I am not sure whether I +have mentioned that, when Mr. Micawber was at any particularly desperate +crisis, he used a sort of legal phraseology, which he seemed to think +equivalent to winding up his affairs. + + +'SIR--for I dare not say my dear Copperfield, + +'It is expedient that I should inform you that the undersigned is +Crushed. Some flickering efforts to spare you the premature knowledge of +his calamitous position, you may observe in him this day; but hope has +sunk beneath the horizon, and the undersigned is Crushed. + +'The present communication is penned within the personal range (I cannot +call it the society) of an individual, in a state closely bordering +on intoxication, employed by a broker. That individual is in legal +possession of the premises, under a distress for rent. His inventory +includes, not only the chattels and effects of every description +belonging to the undersigned, as yearly tenant of this habitation, but +also those appertaining to Mr. Thomas Traddles, lodger, a member of the +Honourable Society of the Inner Temple. + +'If any drop of gloom were wanting in the overflowing cup, which is now +"commended" (in the language of an immortal Writer) to the lips of the +undersigned, it would be found in the fact, that a friendly acceptance +granted to the undersigned, by the before-mentioned Mr. Thomas Traddles, +for the sum Of 23l 4s 9 1/2d is over due, and is NOT provided for. Also, +in the fact that the living responsibilities clinging to the undersigned +will, in the course of nature, be increased by the sum of one more +helpless victim; whose miserable appearance may be looked for--in round +numbers--at the expiration of a period not exceeding six lunar months +from the present date. + +'After premising thus much, it would be a work of supererogation to add, +that dust and ashes are for ever scattered + + 'On + 'The + 'Head + 'Of + 'WILKINS MICAWBER.' + + +Poor Traddles! I knew enough of Mr. Micawber by this time, to foresee +that he might be expected to recover the blow; but my night's rest was +sorely distressed by thoughts of Traddles, and of the curate's daughter, +who was one of ten, down in Devonshire, and who was such a dear girl, +and who would wait for Traddles (ominous praise!) until she was sixty, +or any age that could be mentioned. + + + +CHAPTER 29. I VISIT STEERFORTH AT HIS HOME, AGAIN + + +I mentioned to Mr. Spenlow in the morning, that I wanted leave of +absence for a short time; and as I was not in the receipt of any salary, +and consequently was not obnoxious to the implacable Jorkins, there was +no difficulty about it. I took that opportunity, with my voice sticking +in my throat, and my sight failing as I uttered the words, to express +my hope that Miss Spenlow was quite well; to which Mr. Spenlow replied, +with no more emotion than if he had been speaking of an ordinary human +being, that he was much obliged to me, and she was very well. + +We articled clerks, as germs of the patrician order of proctors, were +treated with so much consideration, that I was almost my own master at +all times. As I did not care, however, to get to Highgate before one +or two o'clock in the day, and as we had another little excommunication +case in court that morning, which was called The office of the judge +promoted by Tipkins against Bullock for his soul's correction, I passed +an hour or two in attendance on it with Mr. Spenlow very agreeably. +It arose out of a scuffle between two churchwardens, one of whom was +alleged to have pushed the other against a pump; the handle of which +pump projecting into a school-house, which school-house was under a +gable of the church-roof, made the push an ecclesiastical offence. +It was an amusing case; and sent me up to Highgate, on the box of the +stage-coach, thinking about the Commons, and what Mr. Spenlow had said +about touching the Commons and bringing down the country. + +Mrs. Steerforth was pleased to see me, and so was Rosa Dartle. I was +agreeably surprised to find that Littimer was not there, and that we +were attended by a modest little parlour-maid, with blue ribbons in her +cap, whose eye it was much more pleasant, and much less disconcerting, +to catch by accident, than the eye of that respectable man. But what I +particularly observed, before I had been half-an-hour in the house, was +the close and attentive watch Miss Dartle kept upon me; and the lurking +manner in which she seemed to compare my face with Steerforth's, and +Steerforth's with mine, and to lie in wait for something to come out +between the two. So surely as I looked towards her, did I see that eager +visage, with its gaunt black eyes and searching brow, intent on mine; or +passing suddenly from mine to Steerforth's; or comprehending both of us +at once. In this lynx-like scrutiny she was so far from faltering when +she saw I observed it, that at such a time she only fixed her piercing +look upon me with a more intent expression still. Blameless as I was, +and knew that I was, in reference to any wrong she could possibly +suspect me of, I shrunk before her strange eyes, quite unable to endure +their hungry lustre. + +All day, she seemed to pervade the whole house. If I talked to +Steerforth in his room, I heard her dress rustle in the little gallery +outside. When he and I engaged in some of our old exercises on the lawn +behind the house, I saw her face pass from window to window, like a +wandering light, until it fixed itself in one, and watched us. When we +all four went out walking in the afternoon, she closed her thin hand on +my arm like a spring, to keep me back, while Steerforth and his mother +went on out of hearing: and then spoke to me. + +'You have been a long time,' she said, 'without coming here. Is your +profession really so engaging and interesting as to absorb your whole +attention? I ask because I always want to be informed, when I am +ignorant. Is it really, though?' + +I replied that I liked it well enough, but that I certainly could not +claim so much for it. + +'Oh! I am glad to know that, because I always like to be put right when +I am wrong,' said Rosa Dartle. 'You mean it is a little dry, perhaps?' + +'Well,' I replied; 'perhaps it was a little dry.' + +'Oh! and that's a reason why you want relief and change--excitement and +all that?' said she. 'Ah! very true! But isn't it a little--Eh?--for +him; I don't mean you?' + +A quick glance of her eye towards the spot where Steerforth was walking, +with his mother leaning on his arm, showed me whom she meant; but beyond +that, I was quite lost. And I looked so, I have no doubt. + +'Don't it--I don't say that it does, mind I want to know--don't it +rather engross him? Don't it make him, perhaps, a little more remiss +than usual in his visits to his blindly-doting--eh?' With another +quick glance at them, and such a glance at me as seemed to look into my +innermost thoughts. + +'Miss Dartle,' I returned, 'pray do not think--' + +'I don't!' she said. 'Oh dear me, don't suppose that I think anything! +I am not suspicious. I only ask a question. I don't state any opinion. I +want to found an opinion on what you tell me. Then, it's not so? Well! I +am very glad to know it.' + +'It certainly is not the fact,' said I, perplexed, 'that I am +accountable for Steerforth's having been away from home longer than +usual--if he has been: which I really don't know at this moment, unless +I understand it from you. I have not seen him this long while, until +last night.' + +'No?' + +'Indeed, Miss Dartle, no!' + +As she looked full at me, I saw her face grow sharper and paler, and the +marks of the old wound lengthen out until it cut through the disfigured +lip, and deep into the nether lip, and slanted down the face. There was +something positively awful to me in this, and in the brightness of her +eyes, as she said, looking fixedly at me: + +'What is he doing?' + +I repeated the words, more to myself than her, being so amazed. + +'What is he doing?' she said, with an eagerness that seemed enough to +consume her like a fire. 'In what is that man assisting him, who never +looks at me without an inscrutable falsehood in his eyes? If you are +honourable and faithful, I don't ask you to betray your friend. I ask +you only to tell me, is it anger, is it hatred, is it pride, is it +restlessness, is it some wild fancy, is it love, what is it, that is +leading him?' + +'Miss Dartle,' I returned, 'how shall I tell you, so that you will +believe me, that I know of nothing in Steerforth different from what +there was when I first came here? I can think of nothing. I firmly +believe there is nothing. I hardly understand even what you mean.' + +As she still stood looking fixedly at me, a twitching or throbbing, +from which I could not dissociate the idea of pain, came into that cruel +mark; and lifted up the corner of her lip as if with scorn, or with a +pity that despised its object. She put her hand upon it hurriedly--a +hand so thin and delicate, that when I had seen her hold it up before +the fire to shade her face, I had compared it in my thoughts to fine +porcelain--and saying, in a quick, fierce, passionate way, 'I swear you +to secrecy about this!' said not a word more. + +Mrs. Steerforth was particularly happy in her son's society, and +Steerforth was, on this occasion, particularly attentive and respectful +to her. It was very interesting to me to see them together, not only on +account of their mutual affection, but because of the strong personal +resemblance between them, and the manner in which what was haughty or +impetuous in him was softened by age and sex, in her, to a gracious +dignity. I thought, more than once, that it was well no serious cause of +division had ever come between them; or two such natures--I ought rather +to express it, two such shades of the same nature--might have been +harder to reconcile than the two extremest opposites in creation. The +idea did not originate in my own discernment, I am bound to confess, but +in a speech of Rosa Dartle's. + +She said at dinner: + +'Oh, but do tell me, though, somebody, because I have been thinking +about it all day, and I want to know.' + +'You want to know what, Rosa?' returned Mrs. Steerforth. 'Pray, pray, +Rosa, do not be mysterious.' + +'Mysterious!' she cried. 'Oh! really? Do you consider me so?' + +'Do I constantly entreat you,' said Mrs. Steerforth, 'to speak plainly, +in your own natural manner?' + +'Oh! then this is not my natural manner?' she rejoined. 'Now you must +really bear with me, because I ask for information. We never know +ourselves.' + +'It has become a second nature,' said Mrs. Steerforth, without any +displeasure; 'but I remember,--and so must you, I think,--when your +manner was different, Rosa; when it was not so guarded, and was more +trustful.' + +'I am sure you are right,' she returned; 'and so it is that bad habits +grow upon one! Really? Less guarded and more trustful? How can I, +imperceptibly, have changed, I wonder! Well, that's very odd! I must +study to regain my former self.' + +'I wish you would,' said Mrs. Steerforth, with a smile. + +'Oh! I really will, you know!' she answered. 'I will learn frankness +from--let me see--from James.' + +'You cannot learn frankness, Rosa,' said Mrs. Steerforth quickly--for +there was always some effect of sarcasm in what Rosa Dartle said, +though it was said, as this was, in the most unconscious manner in the +world--'in a better school.' + +'That I am sure of,' she answered, with uncommon fervour. 'If I am sure +of anything, of course, you know, I am sure of that.' + +Mrs. Steerforth appeared to me to regret having been a little nettled; +for she presently said, in a kind tone: + +'Well, my dear Rosa, we have not heard what it is that you want to be +satisfied about?' + +'That I want to be satisfied about?' she replied, with provoking +coldness. 'Oh! It was only whether people, who are like each other in +their moral constitution--is that the phrase?' + +'It's as good a phrase as another,' said Steerforth. + +'Thank you:--whether people, who are like each other in their moral +constitution, are in greater danger than people not so circumstanced, +supposing any serious cause of variance to arise between them, of being +divided angrily and deeply?' + +'I should say yes,' said Steerforth. + +'Should you?' she retorted. 'Dear me! Supposing then, for instance--any +unlikely thing will do for a supposition--that you and your mother were +to have a serious quarrel.' + +'My dear Rosa,' interposed Mrs. Steerforth, laughing good-naturedly, +'suggest some other supposition! James and I know our duty to each other +better, I pray Heaven!' + +'Oh!' said Miss Dartle, nodding her head thoughtfully. 'To be sure. That +would prevent it? Why, of course it would. Exactly. Now, I am glad I +have been so foolish as to put the case, for it is so very good to know +that your duty to each other would prevent it! Thank you very much.' + +One other little circumstance connected with Miss Dartle I must +not omit; for I had reason to remember it thereafter, when all the +irremediable past was rendered plain. During the whole of this day, but +especially from this period of it, Steerforth exerted himself with his +utmost skill, and that was with his utmost ease, to charm this singular +creature into a pleasant and pleased companion. That he should succeed, +was no matter of surprise to me. That she should struggle against the +fascinating influence of his delightful art--delightful nature I thought +it then--did not surprise me either; for I knew that she was sometimes +jaundiced and perverse. I saw her features and her manner slowly change; +I saw her look at him with growing admiration; I saw her try, more and +more faintly, but always angrily, as if she condemned a weakness in +herself, to resist the captivating power that he possessed; and finally, +I saw her sharp glance soften, and her smile become quite gentle, and I +ceased to be afraid of her as I had really been all day, and we all sat +about the fire, talking and laughing together, with as little reserve as +if we had been children. + +Whether it was because we had sat there so long, or because Steerforth +was resolved not to lose the advantage he had gained, I do not know; but +we did not remain in the dining-room more than five minutes after her +departure. 'She is playing her harp,' said Steerforth, softly, at the +drawing-room door, 'and nobody but my mother has heard her do that, I +believe, these three years.' He said it with a curious smile, which was +gone directly; and we went into the room and found her alone. + +'Don't get up,' said Steerforth (which she had already done)' my dear +Rosa, don't! Be kind for once, and sing us an Irish song.' + +'What do you care for an Irish song?' she returned. + +'Much!' said Steerforth. 'Much more than for any other. Here is Daisy, +too, loves music from his soul. Sing us an Irish song, Rosa! and let me +sit and listen as I used to do.' + +He did not touch her, or the chair from which she had risen, but sat +himself near the harp. She stood beside it for some little while, in a +curious way, going through the motion of playing it with her right hand, +but not sounding it. At length she sat down, and drew it to her with one +sudden action, and played and sang. + +I don't know what it was, in her touch or voice, that made that song the +most unearthly I have ever heard in my life, or can imagine. There was +something fearful in the reality of it. It was as if it had never been +written, or set to music, but sprung out of passion within her; which +found imperfect utterance in the low sounds of her voice, and crouched +again when all was still. I was dumb when she leaned beside the harp +again, playing it, but not sounding it, with her right hand. + +A minute more, and this had roused me from my trance:--Steerforth had +left his seat, and gone to her, and had put his arm laughingly about +her, and had said, 'Come, Rosa, for the future we will love each other +very much!' And she had struck him, and had thrown him off with the fury +of a wild cat, and had burst out of the room. + +'What is the matter with Rosa?' said Mrs. Steerforth, coming in. + +'She has been an angel, mother,' returned Steerforth, 'for a little +while; and has run into the opposite extreme, since, by way of +compensation.' + +'You should be careful not to irritate her, James. Her temper has been +soured, remember, and ought not to be tried.' + +Rosa did not come back; and no other mention was made of her, until I +went with Steerforth into his room to say Good night. Then he laughed +about her, and asked me if I had ever seen such a fierce little piece of +incomprehensibility. + +I expressed as much of my astonishment as was then capable of +expression, and asked if he could guess what it was that she had taken +so much amiss, so suddenly. + +'Oh, Heaven knows,' said Steerforth. 'Anything you like--or nothing! +I told you she took everything, herself included, to a grindstone, and +sharpened it. She is an edge-tool, and requires great care in dealing +with. She is always dangerous. Good night!' + +'Good night!' said I, 'my dear Steerforth! I shall be gone before you +wake in the morning. Good night!' + +He was unwilling to let me go; and stood, holding me out, with a hand on +each of my shoulders, as he had done in my own room. + +'Daisy,' he said, with a smile--'for though that's not the name your +godfathers and godmothers gave you, it's the name I like best to call +you by--and I wish, I wish, I wish, you could give it to me!' + +'Why so I can, if I choose,' said I. + +'Daisy, if anything should ever separate us, you must think of me at my +best, old boy. Come! Let us make that bargain. Think of me at my best, +if circumstances should ever part us!' + +'You have no best to me, Steerforth,' said I, 'and no worst. You are +always equally loved, and cherished in my heart.' + +So much compunction for having ever wronged him, even by a shapeless +thought, did I feel within me, that the confession of having done so was +rising to my lips. But for the reluctance I had to betray the confidence +of Agnes, but for my uncertainty how to approach the subject with no +risk of doing so, it would have reached them before he said, 'God bless +you, Daisy, and good night!' In my doubt, it did NOT reach them; and we +shook hands, and we parted. + +I was up with the dull dawn, and, having dressed as quietly as I could, +looked into his room. He was fast asleep; lying, easily, with his head +upon his arm, as I had often seen him lie at school. + +The time came in its season, and that was very soon, when I almost +wondered that nothing troubled his repose, as I looked at him. But he +slept--let me think of him so again--as I had often seen him sleep at +school; and thus, in this silent hour, I left him. --Never more, oh +God forgive you, Steerforth! to touch that passive hand in love and +friendship. Never, never more! + + + +CHAPTER 30. A LOSS + + +I got down to Yarmouth in the evening, and went to the inn. I knew that +Peggotty's spare room--my room--was likely to have occupation enough +in a little while, if that great Visitor, before whose presence all +the living must give place, were not already in the house; so I betook +myself to the inn, and dined there, and engaged my bed. + +It was ten o'clock when I went out. Many of the shops were shut, and the +town was dull. When I came to Omer and Joram's, I found the shutters up, +but the shop door standing open. As I could obtain a perspective view +of Mr. Omer inside, smoking his pipe by the parlour door, I entered, and +asked him how he was. + +'Why, bless my life and soul!' said Mr. Omer, 'how do you find yourself? +Take a seat.---Smoke not disagreeable, I hope?' + +'By no means,' said I. 'I like it--in somebody else's pipe.' + +'What, not in your own, eh?' Mr. Omer returned, laughing. 'All the +better, sir. Bad habit for a young man. Take a seat. I smoke, myself, +for the asthma.' + +Mr. Omer had made room for me, and placed a chair. He now sat down again +very much out of breath, gasping at his pipe as if it contained a supply +of that necessary, without which he must perish. + +'I am sorry to have heard bad news of Mr. Barkis,' said I. + +Mr. Omer looked at me, with a steady countenance, and shook his head. + +'Do you know how he is tonight?' I asked. + +'The very question I should have put to you, sir,' returned Mr. Omer, +'but on account of delicacy. It's one of the drawbacks of our line of +business. When a party's ill, we can't ask how the party is.' + +The difficulty had not occurred to me; though I had had my apprehensions +too, when I went in, of hearing the old tune. On its being mentioned, I +recognized it, however, and said as much. + +'Yes, yes, you understand,' said Mr. Omer, nodding his head. 'We dursn't +do it. Bless you, it would be a shock that the generality of parties +mightn't recover, to say "Omer and Joram's compliments, and how do you +find yourself this morning?"--or this afternoon--as it may be.' + +Mr. Omer and I nodded at each other, and Mr. Omer recruited his wind by +the aid of his pipe. + +'It's one of the things that cut the trade off from attentions they +could often wish to show,' said Mr. Omer. 'Take myself. If I have known +Barkis a year, to move to as he went by, I have known him forty years. +But I can't go and say, "how is he?"' + +I felt it was rather hard on Mr. Omer, and I told him so. + +'I'm not more self-interested, I hope, than another man,' said Mr. Omer. +'Look at me! My wind may fail me at any moment, and it ain't +likely that, to my own knowledge, I'd be self-interested under such +circumstances. I say it ain't likely, in a man who knows his wind will +go, when it DOES go, as if a pair of bellows was cut open; and that man +a grandfather,' said Mr. Omer. + +I said, 'Not at all.' + +'It ain't that I complain of my line of business,' said Mr. Omer. 'It +ain't that. Some good and some bad goes, no doubt, to all callings. What +I wish is, that parties was brought up stronger-minded.' + +Mr. Omer, with a very complacent and amiable face, took several puffs in +silence; and then said, resuming his first point: + +'Accordingly we're obleeged, in ascertaining how Barkis goes on, to +limit ourselves to Em'ly. She knows what our real objects are, and she +don't have any more alarms or suspicions about us, than if we was so +many lambs. Minnie and Joram have just stepped down to the house, in +fact (she's there, after hours, helping her aunt a bit), to ask her how +he is tonight; and if you was to please to wait till they come back, +they'd give you full partic'lers. Will you take something? A glass of +srub and water, now? I smoke on srub and water, myself,' said Mr. Omer, +taking up his glass, 'because it's considered softening to the passages, +by which this troublesome breath of mine gets into action. But, Lord +bless you,' said Mr. Omer, huskily, 'it ain't the passages that's out of +order! "Give me breath enough," said I to my daughter Minnie, "and I'll +find passages, my dear."' + +He really had no breath to spare, and it was very alarming to see him +laugh. When he was again in a condition to be talked to, I thanked +him for the proffered refreshment, which I declined, as I had just had +dinner; and, observing that I would wait, since he was so good as to +invite me, until his daughter and his son-in-law came back, I inquired +how little Emily was? + +'Well, sir,' said Mr. Omer, removing his pipe, that he might rub his +chin: 'I tell you truly, I shall be glad when her marriage has taken +place.' + +'Why so?' I inquired. + +'Well, she's unsettled at present,' said Mr. Omer. 'It ain't that she's +not as pretty as ever, for she's prettier--I do assure you, she is +prettier. It ain't that she don't work as well as ever, for she does. +She WAS worth any six, and she IS worth any six. But somehow she wants +heart. If you understand,' said Mr. Omer, after rubbing his chin again, +and smoking a little, 'what I mean in a general way by the expression, +"A long pull, and a strong pull, and a pull altogether, my hearties, +hurrah!" I should say to you, that that was--in a general way--what I +miss in Em'ly.' + +Mr. Omer's face and manner went for so much, that I could +conscientiously nod my head, as divining his meaning. My quickness of +apprehension seemed to please him, and he went on: 'Now I consider this +is principally on account of her being in an unsettled state, you +see. We have talked it over a good deal, her uncle and myself, and her +sweetheart and myself, after business; and I consider it is principally +on account of her being unsettled. You must always recollect of Em'ly,' +said Mr. Omer, shaking his head gently, 'that she's a most extraordinary +affectionate little thing. The proverb says, "You can't make a silk +purse out of a sow's ear." Well, I don't know about that. I rather think +you may, if you begin early in life. She has made a home out of that old +boat, sir, that stone and marble couldn't beat.' + +'I am sure she has!' said I. + +'To see the clinging of that pretty little thing to her uncle,' said +Mr. Omer; 'to see the way she holds on to him, tighter and tighter, and +closer and closer, every day, is to see a sight. Now, you know, there's +a struggle going on when that's the case. Why should it be made a longer +one than is needful?' + +I listened attentively to the good old fellow, and acquiesced, with all +my heart, in what he said. + +'Therefore, I mentioned to them,' said Mr. Omer, in a comfortable, +easy-going tone, 'this. I said, "Now, don't consider Em'ly nailed down +in point of time, at all. Make it your own time. Her services have been +more valuable than was supposed; her learning has been quicker than was +supposed; Omer and Joram can run their pen through what remains; and +she's free when you wish. If she likes to make any little arrangement, +afterwards, in the way of doing any little thing for us at home, +very well. If she don't, very well still. We're no losers, anyhow." +For--don't you see,' said Mr. Omer, touching me with his pipe, 'it ain't +likely that a man so short of breath as myself, and a grandfather too, +would go and strain points with a little bit of a blue-eyed blossom, +like her?' + +'Not at all, I am certain,' said I. + +'Not at all! You're right!' said Mr. Omer. 'Well, sir, her cousin--you +know it's a cousin she's going to be married to?' + +'Oh yes,' I replied. 'I know him well.' + +'Of course you do,' said Mr. Omer. 'Well, sir! Her cousin being, as it +appears, in good work, and well to do, thanked me in a very manly sort +of manner for this (conducting himself altogether, I must say, in a way +that gives me a high opinion of him), and went and took as comfortable +a little house as you or I could wish to clap eyes on. That little +house is now furnished right through, as neat and complete as a doll's +parlour; and but for Barkis's illness having taken this bad turn, poor +fellow, they would have been man and wife--I dare say, by this time. As +it is, there's a postponement.' + +'And Emily, Mr. Omer?' I inquired. 'Has she become more settled?' + +'Why that, you know,' he returned, rubbing his double chin again, 'can't +naturally be expected. The prospect of the change and separation, and +all that, is, as one may say, close to her and far away from her, both +at once. Barkis's death needn't put it off much, but his lingering +might. Anyway, it's an uncertain state of matters, you see.' + +'I see,' said I. + +'Consequently,' pursued Mr. Omer, 'Em'ly's still a little down, and a +little fluttered; perhaps, upon the whole, she's more so than she was. +Every day she seems to get fonder and fonder of her uncle, and more loth +to part from all of us. A kind word from me brings the tears into her +eyes; and if you was to see her with my daughter Minnie's little girl, +you'd never forget it. Bless my heart alive!' said Mr. Omer, pondering, +'how she loves that child!' + +Having so favourable an opportunity, it occurred to me to ask Mr. Omer, +before our conversation should be interrupted by the return of his +daughter and her husband, whether he knew anything of Martha. + +'Ah!' he rejoined, shaking his head, and looking very much dejected. +'No good. A sad story, sir, however you come to know it. I never thought +there was harm in the girl. I wouldn't wish to mention it before my +daughter Minnie--for she'd take me up directly--but I never did. None of +us ever did.' + +Mr. Omer, hearing his daughter's footstep before I heard it, touched me +with his pipe, and shut up one eye, as a caution. She and her husband +came in immediately afterwards. + +Their report was, that Mr. Barkis was 'as bad as bad could be'; that he +was quite unconscious; and that Mr. Chillip had mournfully said in the +kitchen, on going away just now, that the College of Physicians, the +College of Surgeons, and Apothecaries' Hall, if they were all called +in together, couldn't help him. He was past both Colleges, Mr. Chillip +said, and the Hall could only poison him. + +Hearing this, and learning that Mr. Peggotty was there, I determined to +go to the house at once. I bade good night to Mr. Omer, and to Mr. and +Mrs. Joram; and directed my steps thither, with a solemn feeling, which +made Mr. Barkis quite a new and different creature. + +My low tap at the door was answered by Mr. Peggotty. He was not so much +surprised to see me as I had expected. I remarked this in Peggotty, +too, when she came down; and I have seen it since; and I think, in the +expectation of that dread surprise, all other changes and surprises +dwindle into nothing. + +I shook hands with Mr. Peggotty, and passed into the kitchen, while he +softly closed the door. Little Emily was sitting by the fire, with her +hands before her face. Ham was standing near her. + +We spoke in whispers; listening, between whiles, for any sound in the +room above. I had not thought of it on the occasion of my last visit, +but how strange it was to me, now, to miss Mr. Barkis out of the +kitchen! + +'This is very kind of you, Mas'r Davy,' said Mr. Peggotty. + +'It's oncommon kind,' said Ham. + +'Em'ly, my dear,' cried Mr. Peggotty. 'See here! Here's Mas'r Davy come! +What, cheer up, pretty! Not a wured to Mas'r Davy?' + +There was a trembling upon her, that I can see now. The coldness of her +hand when I touched it, I can feel yet. Its only sign of animation was +to shrink from mine; and then she glided from the chair, and creeping +to the other side of her uncle, bowed herself, silently and trembling +still, upon his breast. + +'It's such a loving art,' said Mr. Peggotty, smoothing her rich hair +with his great hard hand, 'that it can't abear the sorrer of this. +It's nat'ral in young folk, Mas'r Davy, when they're new to these here +trials, and timid, like my little bird,--it's nat'ral.' + +She clung the closer to him, but neither lifted up her face, nor spoke a +word. + +'It's getting late, my dear,' said Mr. Peggotty, 'and here's Ham come +fur to take you home. Theer! Go along with t'other loving art! What' +Em'ly? Eh, my pretty?' + +The sound of her voice had not reached me, but he bent his head as if he +listened to her, and then said: + +'Let you stay with your uncle? Why, you doen't mean to ask me that! Stay +with your uncle, Moppet? When your husband that'll be so soon, is here +fur to take you home? Now a person wouldn't think it, fur to see this +little thing alongside a rough-weather chap like me,' said Mr. Peggotty, +looking round at both of us, with infinite pride; 'but the sea ain't +more salt in it than she has fondness in her for her uncle--a foolish +little Em'ly!' + +'Em'ly's in the right in that, Mas'r Davy!' said Ham. 'Lookee here! As +Em'ly wishes of it, and as she's hurried and frightened, like, besides, +I'll leave her till morning. Let me stay too!' + +'No, no,' said Mr. Peggotty. 'You doen't ought--a married man like +you--or what's as good--to take and hull away a day's work. And you +doen't ought to watch and work both. That won't do. You go home and turn +in. You ain't afeerd of Em'ly not being took good care on, I know.' + +Ham yielded to this persuasion, and took his hat to go. Even when he +kissed her--and I never saw him approach her, but I felt that nature +had given him the soul of a gentleman--she seemed to cling closer to +her uncle, even to the avoidance of her chosen husband. I shut the +door after him, that it might cause no disturbance of the quiet that +prevailed; and when I turned back, I found Mr. Peggotty still talking to +her. + +'Now, I'm a going upstairs to tell your aunt as Mas'r Davy's here, and +that'll cheer her up a bit,' he said. 'Sit ye down by the fire, the +while, my dear, and warm those mortal cold hands. You doen't need to be +so fearsome, and take on so much. What? You'll go along with me?--Well! +come along with me--come! If her uncle was turned out of house and home, +and forced to lay down in a dyke, Mas'r Davy,' said Mr. Peggotty, with +no less pride than before, 'it's my belief she'd go along with him, now! +But there'll be someone else, soon,--someone else, soon, Em'ly!' + +Afterwards, when I went upstairs, as I passed the door of my little +chamber, which was dark, I had an indistinct impression of her being +within it, cast down upon the floor. But, whether it was really she, or +whether it was a confusion of the shadows in the room, I don't know now. + +I had leisure to think, before the kitchen fire, of pretty little +Emily's dread of death--which, added to what Mr. Omer had told me, I +took to be the cause of her being so unlike herself--and I had leisure, +before Peggotty came down, even to think more leniently of the weakness +of it: as I sat counting the ticking of the clock, and deepening my +sense of the solemn hush around me. Peggotty took me in her arms, and +blessed and thanked me over and over again for being such a comfort to +her (that was what she said) in her distress. She then entreated me to +come upstairs, sobbing that Mr. Barkis had always liked me and admired +me; that he had often talked of me, before he fell into a stupor; and +that she believed, in case of his coming to himself again, he would +brighten up at sight of me, if he could brighten up at any earthly +thing. + +The probability of his ever doing so, appeared to me, when I saw him, to +be very small. He was lying with his head and shoulders out of bed, in +an uncomfortable attitude, half resting on the box which had cost him so +much pain and trouble. I learned, that, when he was past creeping out of +bed to open it, and past assuring himself of its safety by means of the +divining rod I had seen him use, he had required to have it placed on +the chair at the bed-side, where he had ever since embraced it, night +and day. His arm lay on it now. Time and the world were slipping from +beneath him, but the box was there; and the last words he had uttered +were (in an explanatory tone) 'Old clothes!' + +'Barkis, my dear!' said Peggotty, almost cheerfully: bending over him, +while her brother and I stood at the bed's foot. 'Here's my dear boy--my +dear boy, Master Davy, who brought us together, Barkis! That you sent +messages by, you know! Won't you speak to Master Davy?' + +He was as mute and senseless as the box, from which his form derived the +only expression it had. + +'He's a going out with the tide,' said Mr. Peggotty to me, behind his +hand. + +My eyes were dim and so were Mr. Peggotty's; but I repeated in a +whisper, 'With the tide?' + +'People can't die, along the coast,' said Mr. Peggotty, 'except when +the tide's pretty nigh out. They can't be born, unless it's pretty nigh +in--not properly born, till flood. He's a going out with the tide. It's +ebb at half-arter three, slack water half an hour. If he lives till it +turns, he'll hold his own till past the flood, and go out with the next +tide.' + +We remained there, watching him, a long time--hours. What mysterious +influence my presence had upon him in that state of his senses, I shall +not pretend to say; but when he at last began to wander feebly, it is +certain he was muttering about driving me to school. + +'He's coming to himself,' said Peggotty. + +Mr. Peggotty touched me, and whispered with much awe and reverence. +'They are both a-going out fast.' + +'Barkis, my dear!' said Peggotty. + +'C. P. Barkis,' he cried faintly. 'No better woman anywhere!' + +'Look! Here's Master Davy!' said Peggotty. For he now opened his eyes. + +I was on the point of asking him if he knew me, when he tried to stretch +out his arm, and said to me, distinctly, with a pleasant smile: + +'Barkis is willin'!' + +And, it being low water, he went out with the tide. + + + +CHAPTER 31. A GREATER LOSS + + +It was not difficult for me, on Peggotty's solicitation, to resolve to +stay where I was, until after the remains of the poor carrier should +have made their last journey to Blunderstone. She had long ago bought, +out of her own savings, a little piece of ground in our old churchyard +near the grave of 'her sweet girl', as she always called my mother; and +there they were to rest. + +In keeping Peggotty company, and doing all I could for her (little +enough at the utmost), I was as grateful, I rejoice to think, as even +now I could wish myself to have been. But I am afraid I had a supreme +satisfaction, of a personal and professional nature, in taking charge of +Mr. Barkis's will, and expounding its contents. + +I may claim the merit of having originated the suggestion that the will +should be looked for in the box. After some search, it was found in the +box, at the bottom of a horse's nose-bag; wherein (besides hay) there +was discovered an old gold watch, with chain and seals, which Mr. Barkis +had worn on his wedding-day, and which had never been seen before or +since; a silver tobacco-stopper, in the form of a leg; an imitation +lemon, full of minute cups and saucers, which I have some idea Mr. +Barkis must have purchased to present to me when I was a child, and +afterwards found himself unable to part with; eighty-seven guineas and +a half, in guineas and half-guineas; two hundred and ten pounds, in +perfectly clean Bank notes; certain receipts for Bank of England +stock; an old horseshoe, a bad shilling, a piece of camphor, and an +oyster-shell. From the circumstance of the latter article having +been much polished, and displaying prismatic colours on the inside, +I conclude that Mr. Barkis had some general ideas about pearls, which +never resolved themselves into anything definite. + +For years and years, Mr. Barkis had carried this box, on all his +journeys, every day. That it might the better escape notice, he had +invented a fiction that it belonged to 'Mr. Blackboy', and was 'to be +left with Barkis till called for'; a fable he had elaborately written on +the lid, in characters now scarcely legible. + +He had hoarded, all these years, I found, to good purpose. His property +in money amounted to nearly three thousand pounds. Of this he bequeathed +the interest of one thousand to Mr. Peggotty for his life; on his +decease, the principal to be equally divided between Peggotty, little +Emily, and me, or the survivor or survivors of us, share and share +alike. All the rest he died possessed of, he bequeathed to Peggotty; +whom he left residuary legatee, and sole executrix of that his last will +and testament. + +I felt myself quite a proctor when I read this document aloud with all +possible ceremony, and set forth its provisions, any number of times, +to those whom they concerned. I began to think there was more in the +Commons than I had supposed. I examined the will with the deepest +attention, pronounced it perfectly formal in all respects, made a +pencil-mark or so in the margin, and thought it rather extraordinary +that I knew so much. + +In this abstruse pursuit; in making an account for Peggotty, of all the +property into which she had come; in arranging all the affairs in an +orderly manner; and in being her referee and adviser on every point, to +our joint delight; I passed the week before the funeral. I did not see +little Emily in that interval, but they told me she was to be quietly +married in a fortnight. + +I did not attend the funeral in character, if I may venture to say so. +I mean I was not dressed up in a black coat and a streamer, to frighten +the birds; but I walked over to Blunderstone early in the morning, and +was in the churchyard when it came, attended only by Peggotty and her +brother. The mad gentleman looked on, out of my little window; Mr. +Chillip's baby wagged its heavy head, and rolled its goggle eyes, at +the clergyman, over its nurse's shoulder; Mr. Omer breathed short in +the background; no one else was there; and it was very quiet. We walked +about the churchyard for an hour, after all was over; and pulled some +young leaves from the tree above my mother's grave. + +A dread falls on me here. A cloud is lowering on the distant town, +towards which I retraced my solitary steps. I fear to approach it. I +cannot bear to think of what did come, upon that memorable night; of +what must come again, if I go on. + +It is no worse, because I write of it. It would be no better, if I +stopped my most unwilling hand. It is done. Nothing can undo it; nothing +can make it otherwise than as it was. + +My old nurse was to go to London with me next day, on the business of +the will. Little Emily was passing that day at Mr. Omer's. We were all +to meet in the old boathouse that night. Ham would bring Emily at the +usual hour. I would walk back at my leisure. The brother and sister +would return as they had come, and be expecting us, when the day closed +in, at the fireside. + +I parted from them at the wicket-gate, where visionary Strap had rested +with Roderick Random's knapsack in the days of yore; and, instead of +going straight back, walked a little distance on the road to Lowestoft. +Then I turned, and walked back towards Yarmouth. I stayed to dine at +a decent alehouse, some mile or two from the Ferry I have mentioned +before; and thus the day wore away, and it was evening when I reached +it. Rain was falling heavily by that time, and it was a wild night; but +there was a moon behind the clouds, and it was not dark. + +I was soon within sight of Mr. Peggotty's house, and of the light within +it shining through the window. A little floundering across the sand, +which was heavy, brought me to the door, and I went in. + +It looked very comfortable indeed. Mr. Peggotty had smoked his evening +pipe and there were preparations for some supper by and by. The fire was +bright, the ashes were thrown up, the locker was ready for little Emily +in her old place. In her own old place sat Peggotty, once more, looking +(but for her dress) as if she had never left it. She had fallen back, +already, on the society of the work-box with St. Paul's upon the lid, +the yard-measure in the cottage, and the bit of wax-candle; and there +they all were, just as if they had never been disturbed. Mrs. Gummidge +appeared to be fretting a little, in her old corner; and consequently +looked quite natural, too. + +'You're first of the lot, Mas'r Davy!' said Mr. Peggotty with a happy +face. 'Doen't keep in that coat, sir, if it's wet.' + +'Thank you, Mr. Peggotty,' said I, giving him my outer coat to hang up. +'It's quite dry.' + +'So 'tis!' said Mr. Peggotty, feeling my shoulders. 'As a chip! Sit ye +down, sir. It ain't o' no use saying welcome to you, but you're welcome, +kind and hearty.' + +'Thank you, Mr. Peggotty, I am sure of that. Well, Peggotty!' said I, +giving her a kiss. 'And how are you, old woman?' + +'Ha, ha!' laughed Mr. Peggotty, sitting down beside us, and rubbing his +hands in his sense of relief from recent trouble, and in the genuine +heartiness of his nature; 'there's not a woman in the wureld, sir--as I +tell her--that need to feel more easy in her mind than her! She done her +dooty by the departed, and the departed know'd it; and the departed +done what was right by her, as she done what was right by the +departed;--and--and--and it's all right!' + +Mrs. Gummidge groaned. + +'Cheer up, my pritty mawther!' said Mr. Peggotty. (But he shook his head +aside at us, evidently sensible of the tendency of the late occurrences +to recall the memory of the old one.) 'Doen't be down! Cheer up, for +your own self, on'y a little bit, and see if a good deal more doen't +come nat'ral!' + +'Not to me, Dan'l,' returned Mrs. Gummidge. 'Nothink's nat'ral to me but +to be lone and lorn.' + +'No, no,' said Mr. Peggotty, soothing her sorrows. + +'Yes, yes, Dan'l!' said Mrs. Gummidge. 'I ain't a person to live with +them as has had money left. Things go too contrary with me. I had better +be a riddance.' + +'Why, how should I ever spend it without you?' said Mr. Peggotty, with +an air of serious remonstrance. 'What are you a talking on? Doen't I +want you more now, than ever I did?' + +'I know'd I was never wanted before!' cried Mrs. Gummidge, with a +pitiable whimper, 'and now I'm told so! How could I expect to be wanted, +being so lone and lorn, and so contrary!' + +Mr. Peggotty seemed very much shocked at himself for having made a +speech capable of this unfeeling construction, but was prevented from +replying, by Peggotty's pulling his sleeve, and shaking her head. After +looking at Mrs. Gummidge for some moments, in sore distress of mind, he +glanced at the Dutch clock, rose, snuffed the candle, and put it in the +window. + +'Theer!' said Mr. Peggotty, cheerily. 'Theer we are, Missis Gummidge!' +Mrs. Gummidge slightly groaned. 'Lighted up, accordin' to custom! You're +a wonderin' what that's fur, sir! Well, it's fur our little Em'ly. You +see, the path ain't over light or cheerful arter dark; and when I'm +here at the hour as she's a comin' home, I puts the light in the winder. +That, you see,' said Mr. Peggotty, bending over me with great glee, +'meets two objects. She says, says Em'ly, "Theer's home!" she says. And +likewise, says Em'ly, "My uncle's theer!" Fur if I ain't theer, I never +have no light showed.' + +'You're a baby!' said Peggotty; very fond of him for it, if she thought +so. + +'Well,' returned Mr. Peggotty, standing with his legs pretty wide apart, +and rubbing his hands up and down them in his comfortable satisfaction, +as he looked alternately at us and at the fire. 'I doen't know but I am. +Not, you see, to look at.' + +'Not azackly,' observed Peggotty. + +'No,' laughed Mr. Peggotty, 'not to look at, but to--to consider on, you +know. I doen't care, bless you! Now I tell you. When I go a looking and +looking about that theer pritty house of our Em'ly's, I'm--I'm Gormed,' +said Mr. Peggotty, with sudden emphasis--'theer! I can't say more--if +I doen't feel as if the littlest things was her, a'most. I takes 'em up +and I put 'em down, and I touches of 'em as delicate as if they was our +Em'ly. So 'tis with her little bonnets and that. I couldn't see one on +'em rough used a purpose--not fur the whole wureld. There's a babby fur +you, in the form of a great Sea Porkypine!' said Mr. Peggotty, relieving +his earnestness with a roar of laughter. + +Peggotty and I both laughed, but not so loud. + +'It's my opinion, you see,' said Mr. Peggotty, with a delighted face, +after some further rubbing of his legs, 'as this is along of my havin' +played with her so much, and made believe as we was Turks, and French, +and sharks, and every wariety of forinners--bless you, yes; and lions +and whales, and I doen't know what all!--when she warn't no higher than +my knee. I've got into the way on it, you know. Why, this here candle, +now!' said Mr. Peggotty, gleefully holding out his hand towards it, +'I know wery well that arter she's married and gone, I shall put that +candle theer, just the same as now. I know wery well that when I'm +here o' nights (and where else should I live, bless your arts, whatever +fortun' I come into!) and she ain't here or I ain't theer, I shall +put the candle in the winder, and sit afore the fire, pretending I'm +expecting of her, like I'm a doing now. THERE'S a babby for you,' said +Mr. Peggotty, with another roar, 'in the form of a Sea Porkypine! Why, +at the present minute, when I see the candle sparkle up, I says to +myself, "She's a looking at it! Em'ly's a coming!" THERE'S a babby +for you, in the form of a Sea Porkypine! Right for all that,' said Mr. +Peggotty, stopping in his roar, and smiting his hands together; 'fur +here she is!' + +It was only Ham. The night should have turned more wet since I came in, +for he had a large sou'wester hat on, slouched over his face. + +'Wheer's Em'ly?' said Mr. Peggotty. + +Ham made a motion with his head, as if she were outside. Mr. Peggotty +took the light from the window, trimmed it, put it on the table, and was +busily stirring the fire, when Ham, who had not moved, said: + +'Mas'r Davy, will you come out a minute, and see what Em'ly and me has +got to show you?' + +We went out. As I passed him at the door, I saw, to my astonishment and +fright, that he was deadly pale. He pushed me hastily into the open air, +and closed the door upon us. Only upon us two. + +'Ham! what's the matter?' + +'Mas'r Davy!--' Oh, for his broken heart, how dreadfully he wept! + +I was paralysed by the sight of such grief. I don't know what I thought, +or what I dreaded. I could only look at him. + +'Ham! Poor good fellow! For Heaven's sake, tell me what's the matter!' + +'My love, Mas'r Davy--the pride and hope of my art--her that I'd have +died for, and would die for now--she's gone!' + +'Gone!' + +'Em'ly's run away! Oh, Mas'r Davy, think HOW she's run away, when I +pray my good and gracious God to kill her (her that is so dear above all +things) sooner than let her come to ruin and disgrace!' + +The face he turned up to the troubled sky, the quivering of his clasped +hands, the agony of his figure, remain associated with the lonely waste, +in my remembrance, to this hour. It is always night there, and he is the +only object in the scene. + +'You're a scholar,' he said, hurriedly, 'and know what's right and +best. What am I to say, indoors? How am I ever to break it to him, Mas'r +Davy?' + +I saw the door move, and instinctively tried to hold the latch on the +outside, to gain a moment's time. It was too late. Mr. Peggotty thrust +forth his face; and never could I forget the change that came upon it +when he saw us, if I were to live five hundred years. + +I remember a great wail and cry, and the women hanging about him, and we +all standing in the room; I with a paper in my hand, which Ham had given +me; Mr. Peggotty, with his vest torn open, his hair wild, his face and +lips quite white, and blood trickling down his bosom (it had sprung from +his mouth, I think), looking fixedly at me. + +'Read it, sir,' he said, in a low shivering voice. 'Slow, please. I +doen't know as I can understand.' + +In the midst of the silence of death, I read thus, from a blotted +letter: + + +'"When you, who love me so much better than I ever have deserved, even +when my mind was innocent, see this, I shall be far away."' + + +'I shall be fur away,' he repeated slowly. 'Stop! Em'ly fur away. Well!' + + +'"When I leave my dear home--my dear home--oh, my dear home!--in the +morning,"' + +the letter bore date on the previous night: + + +'"--it will be never to come back, unless he brings me back a lady. This +will be found at night, many hours after, instead of me. Oh, if you knew +how my heart is torn. If even you, that I have wronged so much, that +never can forgive me, could only know what I suffer! I am too wicked to +write about myself! Oh, take comfort in thinking that I am so bad. Oh, +for mercy's sake, tell uncle that I never loved him half so dear as +now. Oh, don't remember how affectionate and kind you have all been to +me--don't remember we were ever to be married--but try to think as if I +died when I was little, and was buried somewhere. Pray Heaven that I +am going away from, have compassion on my uncle! Tell him that I never +loved him half so dear. Be his comfort. Love some good girl that will +be what I was once to uncle, and be true to you, and worthy of you, and +know no shame but me. God bless all! I'll pray for all, often, on my +knees. If he don't bring me back a lady, and I don't pray for my own +self, I'll pray for all. My parting love to uncle. My last tears, and my +last thanks, for uncle!"' + +That was all. + +He stood, long after I had ceased to read, still looking at me. At +length I ventured to take his hand, and to entreat him, as well as +I could, to endeavour to get some command of himself. He replied, 'I +thankee, sir, I thankee!' without moving. + +Ham spoke to him. Mr. Peggotty was so far sensible of HIS affliction, +that he wrung his hand; but, otherwise, he remained in the same state, +and no one dared to disturb him. + +Slowly, at last, he moved his eyes from my face, as if he were waking +from a vision, and cast them round the room. Then he said, in a low +voice: + +'Who's the man? I want to know his name.' + +Ham glanced at me, and suddenly I felt a shock that struck me back. + +'There's a man suspected,' said Mr. Peggotty. 'Who is it?' + +'Mas'r Davy!' implored Ham. 'Go out a bit, and let me tell him what I +must. You doen't ought to hear it, sir.' + +I felt the shock again. I sank down in a chair, and tried to utter some +reply; but my tongue was fettered, and my sight was weak. + +'I want to know his name!' I heard said once more. + +'For some time past,' Ham faltered, 'there's been a servant about here, +at odd times. There's been a gen'lm'n too. Both of 'em belonged to one +another.' + +Mr. Peggotty stood fixed as before, but now looking at him. + +'The servant,' pursued Ham, 'was seen along with--our poor girl--last +night. He's been in hiding about here, this week or over. He was thought +to have gone, but he was hiding. Doen't stay, Mas'r Davy, doen't!' + +I felt Peggotty's arm round my neck, but I could not have moved if the +house had been about to fall upon me. + +'A strange chay and hosses was outside town, this morning, on the +Norwich road, a'most afore the day broke,' Ham went on. 'The servant +went to it, and come from it, and went to it again. When he went to it +again, Em'ly was nigh him. The t'other was inside. He's the man.' + +'For the Lord's love,' said Mr. Peggotty, falling back, and putting out +his hand, as if to keep off what he dreaded. 'Doen't tell me his name's +Steerforth!' + +'Mas'r Davy,' exclaimed Ham, in a broken voice, 'it ain't no fault +of yourn--and I am far from laying of it to you--but his name is +Steerforth, and he's a damned villain!' + +Mr. Peggotty uttered no cry, and shed no tear, and moved no more, until +he seemed to wake again, all at once, and pulled down his rough coat +from its peg in a corner. + +'Bear a hand with this! I'm struck of a heap, and can't do it,' he said, +impatiently. 'Bear a hand and help me. Well!' when somebody had done so. +'Now give me that theer hat!' + +Ham asked him whither he was going. + +'I'm a going to seek my niece. I'm a going to seek my Em'ly. I'm a +going, first, to stave in that theer boat, and sink it where I would +have drownded him, as I'm a living soul, if I had had one thought of +what was in him! As he sat afore me,' he said, wildly, holding out his +clenched right hand, 'as he sat afore me, face to face, strike me down +dead, but I'd have drownded him, and thought it right!--I'm a going to +seek my niece.' + +'Where?' cried Ham, interposing himself before the door. + +'Anywhere! I'm a going to seek my niece through the wureld. I'm a going +to find my poor niece in her shame, and bring her back. No one stop me! +I tell you I'm a going to seek my niece!' + +'No, no!' cried Mrs. Gummidge, coming between them, in a fit of crying. +'No, no, Dan'l, not as you are now. Seek her in a little while, my lone +lorn Dan'l, and that'll be but right! but not as you are now. Sit ye +down, and give me your forgiveness for having ever been a worrit to you, +Dan'l--what have my contraries ever been to this!--and let us speak a +word about them times when she was first an orphan, and when Ham was +too, and when I was a poor widder woman, and you took me in. It'll +soften your poor heart, Dan'l,' laying her head upon his shoulder, 'and +you'll bear your sorrow better; for you know the promise, Dan'l, "As +you have done it unto one of the least of these, you have done it unto +me",--and that can never fail under this roof, that's been our shelter +for so many, many year!' + +He was quite passive now; and when I heard him crying, the impulse that +had been upon me to go down upon my knees, and ask their pardon for the +desolation I had caused, and curse Steerforth, yielded to a better +feeling. My overcharged heart found the same relief, and I cried too. + + + +CHAPTER 32. THE BEGINNING OF A LONG JOURNEY + + +What is natural in me, is natural in many other men, I infer, and so +I am not afraid to write that I never had loved Steerforth better than +when the ties that bound me to him were broken. In the keen distress +of the discovery of his unworthiness, I thought more of all that was +brilliant in him, I softened more towards all that was good in him, I +did more justice to the qualities that might have made him a man of a +noble nature and a great name, than ever I had done in the height of +my devotion to him. Deeply as I felt my own unconscious part in his +pollution of an honest home, I believed that if I had been brought face +to face with him, I could not have uttered one reproach. I should have +loved him so well still--though he fascinated me no longer--I should +have held in so much tenderness the memory of my affection for him, that +I think I should have been as weak as a spirit-wounded child, in all +but the entertainment of a thought that we could ever be re-united. +That thought I never had. I felt, as he had felt, that all was at an end +between us. What his remembrances of me were, I have never known--they +were light enough, perhaps, and easily dismissed--but mine of him were +as the remembrances of a cherished friend, who was dead. + +Yes, Steerforth, long removed from the scenes of this poor history! My +sorrow may bear involuntary witness against you at the judgement Throne; +but my angry thoughts or my reproaches never will, I know! + +The news of what had happened soon spread through the town; insomuch +that as I passed along the streets next morning, I overheard the people +speaking of it at their doors. Many were hard upon her, some few were +hard upon him, but towards her second father and her lover there was +but one sentiment. Among all kinds of people a respect for them in +their distress prevailed, which was full of gentleness and delicacy. The +seafaring men kept apart, when those two were seen early, walking with +slow steps on the beach; and stood in knots, talking compassionately +among themselves. + +It was on the beach, close down by the sea, that I found them. It would +have been easy to perceive that they had not slept all last night, even +if Peggotty had failed to tell me of their still sitting just as I +left them, when it was broad day. They looked worn; and I thought Mr. +Peggotty's head was bowed in one night more than in all the years I had +known him. But they were both as grave and steady as the sea itself, +then lying beneath a dark sky, waveless--yet with a heavy roll upon it, +as if it breathed in its rest--and touched, on the horizon, with a strip +of silvery light from the unseen sun. + +'We have had a mort of talk, sir,' said Mr. Peggotty to me, when we had +all three walked a little while in silence, 'of what we ought and doen't +ought to do. But we see our course now.' + +I happened to glance at Ham, then looking out to sea upon the distant +light, and a frightful thought came into my mind--not that his face +was angry, for it was not; I recall nothing but an expression of stern +determination in it--that if ever he encountered Steerforth, he would +kill him. + +'My dooty here, sir,' said Mr. Peggotty, 'is done. I'm a going to seek +my--' he stopped, and went on in a firmer voice: 'I'm a going to seek +her. That's my dooty evermore.' + +He shook his head when I asked him where he would seek her, and inquired +if I were going to London tomorrow? I told him I had not gone today, +fearing to lose the chance of being of any service to him; but that I +was ready to go when he would. + +'I'll go along with you, sir,' he rejoined, 'if you're agreeable, +tomorrow.' + +We walked again, for a while, in silence. + +'Ham,'he presently resumed,'he'll hold to his present work, and go and +live along with my sister. The old boat yonder--' + +'Will you desert the old boat, Mr. Peggotty?' I gently interposed. + +'My station, Mas'r Davy,' he returned, 'ain't there no longer; and if +ever a boat foundered, since there was darkness on the face of the deep, +that one's gone down. But no, sir, no; I doen't mean as it should be +deserted. Fur from that.' + +We walked again for a while, as before, until he explained: + +'My wishes is, sir, as it shall look, day and night, winter and summer, +as it has always looked, since she fust know'd it. If ever she should +come a wandering back, I wouldn't have the old place seem to cast her +off, you understand, but seem to tempt her to draw nigher to 't, and to +peep in, maybe, like a ghost, out of the wind and rain, through the old +winder, at the old seat by the fire. Then, maybe, Mas'r Davy, seein' +none but Missis Gummidge there, she might take heart to creep in, +trembling; and might come to be laid down in her old bed, and rest her +weary head where it was once so gay.' + +I could not speak to him in reply, though I tried. + +'Every night,' said Mr. Peggotty, 'as reg'lar as the night comes, the +candle must be stood in its old pane of glass, that if ever she should +see it, it may seem to say "Come back, my child, come back!" If ever +there's a knock, Ham (partic'ler a soft knock), arter dark, at your +aunt's door, doen't you go nigh it. Let it be her--not you--that sees my +fallen child!' + +He walked a little in front of us, and kept before us for some minutes. +During this interval, I glanced at Ham again, and observing the same +expression on his face, and his eyes still directed to the distant +light, I touched his arm. + +Twice I called him by his name, in the tone in which I might have tried +to rouse a sleeper, before he heeded me. When I at last inquired on what +his thoughts were so bent, he replied: + +'On what's afore me, Mas'r Davy; and over yon.' 'On the life before you, +do you mean?' He had pointed confusedly out to sea. + +'Ay, Mas'r Davy. I doen't rightly know how 'tis, but from over yon there +seemed to me to come--the end of it like,' looking at me as if he were +waking, but with the same determined face. + +'What end?' I asked, possessed by my former fear. + +'I doen't know,'he said, thoughtfully; 'I was calling to mind that the +beginning of it all did take place here--and then the end come. But it's +gone! Mas'r Davy,' he added; answering, as I think, my look; 'you han't +no call to be afeerd of me: but I'm kiender muddled; I don't fare to +feel no matters,'--which was as much as to say that he was not himself, +and quite confounded. + +Mr. Peggotty stopping for us to join him: we did so, and said no more. +The remembrance of this, in connexion with my former thought, however, +haunted me at intervals, even until the inexorable end came at its +appointed time. + +We insensibly approached the old boat, and entered. Mrs. Gummidge, no +longer moping in her especial corner, was busy preparing breakfast. +She took Mr. Peggotty's hat, and placed his seat for him, and spoke so +comfortably and softly, that I hardly knew her. + +'Dan'l, my good man,' said she, 'you must eat and drink, and keep up +your strength, for without it you'll do nowt. Try, that's a dear soul! +An if I disturb you with my clicketten,' she meant her chattering, 'tell +me so, Dan'l, and I won't.' + +When she had served us all, she withdrew to the window, where she +sedulously employed herself in repairing some shirts and other clothes +belonging to Mr. Peggotty, and neatly folding and packing them in an old +oilskin bag, such as sailors carry. Meanwhile, she continued talking, in +the same quiet manner: + +'All times and seasons, you know, Dan'l,' said Mrs. Gummidge, 'I shall +be allus here, and everythink will look accordin' to your wishes. I'm a +poor scholar, but I shall write to you, odd times, when you're away, and +send my letters to Mas'r Davy. Maybe you'll write to me too, Dan'l, odd +times, and tell me how you fare to feel upon your lone lorn journies.' + +'You'll be a solitary woman heer, I'm afeerd!' said Mr. Peggotty. + +'No, no, Dan'l,' she returned, 'I shan't be that. Doen't you mind me. I +shall have enough to do to keep a Beein for you' (Mrs. Gummidge meant a +home), 'again you come back--to keep a Beein here for any that may hap +to come back, Dan'l. In the fine time, I shall set outside the door as I +used to do. If any should come nigh, they shall see the old widder woman +true to 'em, a long way off.' + +What a change in Mrs. Gummidge in a little time! She was another woman. +She was so devoted, she had such a quick perception of what it would +be well to say, and what it would be well to leave unsaid; she was so +forgetful of herself, and so regardful of the sorrow about her, that I +held her in a sort of veneration. The work she did that day! There +were many things to be brought up from the beach and stored in the +outhouse--as oars, nets, sails, cordage, spars, lobster-pots, bags of +ballast, and the like; and though there was abundance of assistance +rendered, there being not a pair of working hands on all that shore but +would have laboured hard for Mr. Peggotty, and been well paid in being +asked to do it, yet she persisted, all day long, in toiling under +weights that she was quite unequal to, and fagging to and fro on all +sorts of unnecessary errands. As to deploring her misfortunes, she +appeared to have entirely lost the recollection of ever having had any. +She preserved an equable cheerfulness in the midst of her sympathy, +which was not the least astonishing part of the change that had come +over her. Querulousness was out of the question. I did not even observe +her voice to falter, or a tear to escape from her eyes, the whole day +through, until twilight; when she and I and Mr. Peggotty being alone +together, and he having fallen asleep in perfect exhaustion, she broke +into a half-suppressed fit of sobbing and crying, and taking me to the +door, said, 'Ever bless you, Mas'r Davy, be a friend to him, poor dear!' +Then, she immediately ran out of the house to wash her face, in order +that she might sit quietly beside him, and be found at work there, when +he should awake. In short I left her, when I went away at night, the +prop and staff of Mr. Peggotty's affliction; and I could not meditate +enough upon the lesson that I read in Mrs. Gummidge, and the new +experience she unfolded to me. + +It was between nine and ten o'clock when, strolling in a melancholy +manner through the town, I stopped at Mr. Omer's door. Mr. Omer had +taken it so much to heart, his daughter told me, that he had been very +low and poorly all day, and had gone to bed without his pipe. + +'A deceitful, bad-hearted girl,' said Mrs. Joram. 'There was no good in +her, ever!' + +'Don't say so,' I returned. 'You don't think so.' + +'Yes, I do!' cried Mrs. Joram, angrily. + +'No, no,' said I. + +Mrs. Joram tossed her head, endeavouring to be very stern and cross; but +she could not command her softer self, and began to cry. I was young, +to be sure; but I thought much the better of her for this sympathy, and +fancied it became her, as a virtuous wife and mother, very well indeed. + +'What will she ever do!' sobbed Minnie. 'Where will she go! What will +become of her! Oh, how could she be so cruel, to herself and him!' + +I remembered the time when Minnie was a young and pretty girl; and I was +glad she remembered it too, so feelingly. + +'My little Minnie,' said Mrs. Joram, 'has only just now been got to +sleep. Even in her sleep she is sobbing for Em'ly. All day long, little +Minnie has cried for her, and asked me, over and over again, whether +Em'ly was wicked? What can I say to her, when Em'ly tied a ribbon off +her own neck round little Minnie's the last night she was here, and laid +her head down on the pillow beside her till she was fast asleep! The +ribbon's round my little Minnie's neck now. It ought not to be, perhaps, +but what can I do? Em'ly is very bad, but they were fond of one another. +And the child knows nothing!' + +Mrs. Joram was so unhappy that her husband came out to take care of +her. Leaving them together, I went home to Peggotty's; more melancholy +myself, if possible, than I had been yet. + +That good creature--I mean Peggotty--all untired by her late anxieties +and sleepless nights, was at her brother's, where she meant to stay till +morning. An old woman, who had been employed about the house for some +weeks past, while Peggotty had been unable to attend to it, was the +house's only other occupant besides myself. As I had no occasion for her +services, I sent her to bed, by no means against her will, and sat down +before the kitchen fire a little while, to think about all this. + +I was blending it with the deathbed of the late Mr. Barkis, and was +driving out with the tide towards the distance at which Ham had looked +so singularly in the morning, when I was recalled from my wanderings by +a knock at the door. There was a knocker upon the door, but it was not +that which made the sound. The tap was from a hand, and low down upon +the door, as if it were given by a child. + +It made me start as much as if it had been the knock of a footman to a +person of distinction. I opened the door; and at first looked down, +to my amazement, on nothing but a great umbrella that appeared to be +walking about of itself. But presently I discovered underneath it, Miss +Mowcher. + +I might not have been prepared to give the little creature a very kind +reception, if, on her removing the umbrella, which her utmost efforts +were unable to shut up, she had shown me the 'volatile' expression of +face which had made so great an impression on me at our first and last +meeting. But her face, as she turned it up to mine, was so earnest; +and when I relieved her of the umbrella (which would have been an +inconvenient one for the Irish Giant), she wrung her little hands in +such an afflicted manner; that I rather inclined towards her. + +'Miss Mowcher!' said I, after glancing up and down the empty street, +without distinctly knowing what I expected to see besides; 'how do you +come here? What is the matter?' She motioned to me with her short right +arm, to shut the umbrella for her; and passing me hurriedly, went into +the kitchen. When I had closed the door, and followed, with the umbrella +in my hand, I found her sitting on the corner of the fender--it was a +low iron one, with two flat bars at top to stand plates upon--in the +shadow of the boiler, swaying herself backwards and forwards, and +chafing her hands upon her knees like a person in pain. + +Quite alarmed at being the only recipient of this untimely visit, and +the only spectator of this portentous behaviour, I exclaimed again, +'Pray tell me, Miss Mowcher, what is the matter! are you ill?' + +'My dear young soul,' returned Miss Mowcher, squeezing her hands upon +her heart one over the other. 'I am ill here, I am very ill. To think +that it should come to this, when I might have known it and perhaps +prevented it, if I hadn't been a thoughtless fool!' + +Again her large bonnet (very disproportionate to the figure) went +backwards and forwards, in her swaying of her little body to and fro; +while a most gigantic bonnet rocked, in unison with it, upon the wall. + +'I am surprised,' I began, 'to see you so distressed and serious'--when +she interrupted me. + +'Yes, it's always so!' she said. 'They are all surprised, these +inconsiderate young people, fairly and full grown, to see any natural +feeling in a little thing like me! They make a plaything of me, use me +for their amusement, throw me away when they are tired, and wonder that +I feel more than a toy horse or a wooden soldier! Yes, yes, that's the +way. The old way!' + +'It may be, with others,' I returned, 'but I do assure you it is not +with me. Perhaps I ought not to be at all surprised to see you as you +are now: I know so little of you. I said, without consideration, what I +thought.' + +'What can I do?' returned the little woman, standing up, and holding out +her arms to show herself. 'See! What I am, my father was; and my sister +is; and my brother is. I have worked for sister and brother these many +years--hard, Mr. Copperfield--all day. I must live. I do no harm. If +there are people so unreflecting or so cruel, as to make a jest of +me, what is left for me to do but to make a jest of myself, them, and +everything? If I do so, for the time, whose fault is that? Mine?' + +No. Not Miss Mowcher's, I perceived. + +'If I had shown myself a sensitive dwarf to your false friend,' pursued +the little woman, shaking her head at me, with reproachful earnestness, +'how much of his help or good will do you think I should ever have had? +If little Mowcher (who had no hand, young gentleman, in the making of +herself) addressed herself to him, or the like of him, because of her +misfortunes, when do you suppose her small voice would have been heard? +Little Mowcher would have as much need to live, if she was the bitterest +and dullest of pigmies; but she couldn't do it. No. She might whistle +for her bread and butter till she died of Air.' + +Miss Mowcher sat down on the fender again, and took out her +handkerchief, and wiped her eyes. + +'Be thankful for me, if you have a kind heart, as I think you have,' she +said, 'that while I know well what I am, I can be cheerful and endure it +all. I am thankful for myself, at any rate, that I can find my tiny way +through the world, without being beholden to anyone; and that in return +for all that is thrown at me, in folly or vanity, as I go along, I can +throw bubbles back. If I don't brood over all I want, it is the better +for me, and not the worse for anyone. If I am a plaything for you +giants, be gentle with me.' + +Miss Mowcher replaced her handkerchief in her pocket, looking at me with +very intent expression all the while, and pursued: + +'I saw you in the street just now. You may suppose I am not able to +walk as fast as you, with my short legs and short breath, and I couldn't +overtake you; but I guessed where you came, and came after you. I have +been here before, today, but the good woman wasn't at home.' + +'Do you know her?' I demanded. + +'I know of her, and about her,' she replied, 'from Omer and Joram. I +was there at seven o'clock this morning. Do you remember what Steerforth +said to me about this unfortunate girl, that time when I saw you both at +the inn?' + +The great bonnet on Miss Mowcher's head, and the greater bonnet on +the wall, began to go backwards and forwards again when she asked this +question. + +I remembered very well what she referred to, having had it in my +thoughts many times that day. I told her so. + +'May the Father of all Evil confound him,' said the little woman, +holding up her forefinger between me and her sparkling eyes, 'and ten +times more confound that wicked servant; but I believed it was YOU who +had a boyish passion for her!' + +'I?' I repeated. + +'Child, child! In the name of blind ill-fortune,' cried Miss Mowcher, +wringing her hands impatiently, as she went to and fro again upon the +fender, 'why did you praise her so, and blush, and look disturbed?' + +I could not conceal from myself that I had done this, though for a +reason very different from her supposition. + +'What did I know?' said Miss Mowcher, taking out her handkerchief again, +and giving one little stamp on the ground whenever, at short intervals, +she applied it to her eyes with both hands at once. 'He was crossing you +and wheedling you, I saw; and you were soft wax in his hands, I saw. Had +I left the room a minute, when his man told me that "Young Innocence" +(so he called you, and you may call him "Old Guilt" all the days of your +life) had set his heart upon her, and she was giddy and liked him, but +his master was resolved that no harm should come of it--more for your +sake than for hers--and that that was their business here? How could I +BUT believe him? I saw Steerforth soothe and please you by his praise +of her! You were the first to mention her name. You owned to an old +admiration of her. You were hot and cold, and red and white, all at once +when I spoke to you of her. What could I think--what DID I think--but +that you were a young libertine in everything but experience, and had +fallen into hands that had experience enough, and could manage you +(having the fancy) for your own good? Oh! oh! oh! They were afraid of my +finding out the truth,' exclaimed Miss Mowcher, getting off the +fender, and trotting up and down the kitchen with her two short arms +distressfully lifted up, 'because I am a sharp little thing--I need be, +to get through the world at all!--and they deceived me altogether, and +I gave the poor unfortunate girl a letter, which I fully believe was +the beginning of her ever speaking to Littimer, who was left behind on +purpose!' + +I stood amazed at the revelation of all this perfidy, looking at Miss +Mowcher as she walked up and down the kitchen until she was out of +breath: when she sat upon the fender again, and, drying her face with +her handkerchief, shook her head for a long time, without otherwise +moving, and without breaking silence. + +'My country rounds,' she added at length, 'brought me to Norwich, Mr. +Copperfield, the night before last. What I happened to find there, +about their secret way of coming and going, without you--which was +strange--led to my suspecting something wrong. I got into the coach +from London last night, as it came through Norwich, and was here this +morning. Oh, oh, oh! too late!' + +Poor little Mowcher turned so chilly after all her crying and fretting, +that she turned round on the fender, putting her poor little wet feet in +among the ashes to warm them, and sat looking at the fire, like a large +doll. I sat in a chair on the other side of the hearth, lost in unhappy +reflections, and looking at the fire too, and sometimes at her. + +'I must go,' she said at last, rising as she spoke. 'It's late. You +don't mistrust me?' + +Meeting her sharp glance, which was as sharp as ever when she asked me, +I could not on that short challenge answer no, quite frankly. + +'Come!' said she, accepting the offer of my hand to help her over the +fender, and looking wistfully up into my face, 'you know you wouldn't +mistrust me, if I was a full-sized woman!' + +I felt that there was much truth in this; and I felt rather ashamed of +myself. + +'You are a young man,' she said, nodding. 'Take a word of advice, +even from three foot nothing. Try not to associate bodily defects with +mental, my good friend, except for a solid reason.' + +She had got over the fender now, and I had got over my suspicion. I told +her that I believed she had given me a faithful account of herself, +and that we had both been hapless instruments in designing hands. She +thanked me, and said I was a good fellow. + +'Now, mind!' she exclaimed, turning back on her way to the door, and +looking shrewdly at me, with her forefinger up again.--'I have some +reason to suspect, from what I have heard--my ears are always open; I +can't afford to spare what powers I have--that they are gone abroad. But +if ever they return, if ever any one of them returns, while I am alive, +I am more likely than another, going about as I do, to find it out soon. +Whatever I know, you shall know. If ever I can do anything to serve the +poor betrayed girl, I will do it faithfully, please Heaven! And Littimer +had better have a bloodhound at his back, than little Mowcher!' + +I placed implicit faith in this last statement, when I marked the look +with which it was accompanied. + +'Trust me no more, but trust me no less, than you would trust a +full-sized woman,' said the little creature, touching me appealingly +on the wrist. 'If ever you see me again, unlike what I am now, and like +what I was when you first saw me, observe what company I am in. Call to +mind that I am a very helpless and defenceless little thing. Think of +me at home with my brother like myself and sister like myself, when my +day's work is done. Perhaps you won't, then, be very hard upon me, or +surprised if I can be distressed and serious. Good night!' + +I gave Miss Mowcher my hand, with a very different opinion of her from +that which I had hitherto entertained, and opened the door to let her +out. It was not a trifling business to get the great umbrella up, and +properly balanced in her grasp; but at last I successfully accomplished +this, and saw it go bobbing down the street through the rain, without +the least appearance of having anybody underneath it, except when a +heavier fall than usual from some over-charged water-spout sent it +toppling over, on one side, and discovered Miss Mowcher struggling +violently to get it right. After making one or two sallies to her +relief, which were rendered futile by the umbrella's hopping on again, +like an immense bird, before I could reach it, I came in, went to bed, +and slept till morning. + +In the morning I was joined by Mr. Peggotty and by my old nurse, and we +went at an early hour to the coach office, where Mrs. Gummidge and Ham +were waiting to take leave of us. + +'Mas'r Davy,' Ham whispered, drawing me aside, while Mr. Peggotty was +stowing his bag among the luggage, 'his life is quite broke up. He +doen't know wheer he's going; he doen't know--what's afore him; he's +bound upon a voyage that'll last, on and off, all the rest of his days, +take my wured for 't, unless he finds what he's a seeking of. I am sure +you'll be a friend to him, Mas'r Davy?' + +'Trust me, I will indeed,' said I, shaking hands with Ham earnestly. + +'Thankee. Thankee, very kind, sir. One thing furder. I'm in good employ, +you know, Mas'r Davy, and I han't no way now of spending what I gets. +Money's of no use to me no more, except to live. If you can lay it out +for him, I shall do my work with a better art. Though as to that, sir,' +and he spoke very steadily and mildly, 'you're not to think but I shall +work at all times, like a man, and act the best that lays in my power!' + +I told him I was well convinced of it; and I hinted that I hoped the +time might even come, when he would cease to lead the lonely life he +naturally contemplated now. + +'No, sir,' he said, shaking his head, 'all that's past and over with me, +sir. No one can never fill the place that's empty. But you'll bear in +mind about the money, as theer's at all times some laying by for him?' + +Reminding him of the fact, that Mr. Peggotty derived a steady, +though certainly a very moderate income from the bequest of his late +brother-in-law, I promised to do so. We then took leave of each other. I +cannot leave him even now, without remembering with a pang, at once his +modest fortitude and his great sorrow. + +As to Mrs. Gummidge, if I were to endeavour to describe how she ran down +the street by the side of the coach, seeing nothing but Mr. Peggotty on +the roof, through the tears she tried to repress, and dashing herself +against the people who were coming in the opposite direction, I should +enter on a task of some difficulty. Therefore I had better leave her +sitting on a baker's door-step, out of breath, with no shape at all +remaining in her bonnet, and one of her shoes off, lying on the pavement +at a considerable distance. + +When we got to our journey's end, our first pursuit was to look about +for a little lodging for Peggotty, where her brother could have a +bed. We were so fortunate as to find one, of a very clean and cheap +description, over a chandler's shop, only two streets removed from +me. When we had engaged this domicile, I bought some cold meat at an +eating-house, and took my fellow-travellers home to tea; a proceeding, +I regret to state, which did not meet with Mrs. Crupp's approval, but +quite the contrary. I ought to observe, however, in explanation of that +lady's state of mind, that she was much offended by Peggotty's tucking +up her widow's gown before she had been ten minutes in the place, and +setting to work to dust my bedroom. This Mrs. Crupp regarded in the +light of a liberty, and a liberty, she said, was a thing she never +allowed. + +Mr. Peggotty had made a communication to me on the way to London for +which I was not unprepared. It was, that he purposed first seeing Mrs. +Steerforth. As I felt bound to assist him in this, and also to mediate +between them; with the view of sparing the mother's feelings as much +as possible, I wrote to her that night. I told her as mildly as I could +what his wrong was, and what my own share in his injury. I said he was a +man in very common life, but of a most gentle and upright character; and +that I ventured to express a hope that she would not refuse to see him +in his heavy trouble. I mentioned two o'clock in the afternoon as the +hour of our coming, and I sent the letter myself by the first coach in +the morning. + +At the appointed time, we stood at the door--the door of that house +where I had been, a few days since, so happy: where my youthful +confidence and warmth of heart had been yielded up so freely: which was +closed against me henceforth: which was now a waste, a ruin. + +No Littimer appeared. The pleasanter face which had replaced his, on the +occasion of my last visit, answered to our summons, and went before +us to the drawing-room. Mrs. Steerforth was sitting there. Rosa Dartle +glided, as we went in, from another part of the room and stood behind +her chair. + +I saw, directly, in his mother's face, that she knew from himself what +he had done. It was very pale; and bore the traces of deeper emotion +than my letter alone, weakened by the doubts her fondness would have +raised upon it, would have been likely to create. I thought her more +like him than ever I had thought her; and I felt, rather than saw, that +the resemblance was not lost on my companion. + +She sat upright in her arm-chair, with a stately, immovable, passionless +air, that it seemed as if nothing could disturb. She looked very +steadfastly at Mr. Peggotty when he stood before her; and he looked +quite as steadfastly at her. Rosa Dartle's keen glance comprehended all +of us. For some moments not a word was spoken. + +She motioned to Mr. Peggotty to be seated. He said, in a low voice, 'I +shouldn't feel it nat'ral, ma'am, to sit down in this house. I'd sooner +stand.' And this was succeeded by another silence, which she broke thus: + +'I know, with deep regret, what has brought you here. What do you want +of me? What do you ask me to do?' + +He put his hat under his arm, and feeling in his breast for Emily's +letter, took it out, unfolded it, and gave it to her. 'Please to read +that, ma'am. That's my niece's hand!' + +She read it, in the same stately and impassive way,--untouched by its +contents, as far as I could see,--and returned it to him. + +'"Unless he brings me back a lady,"' said Mr. Peggotty, tracing out that +part with his finger. 'I come to know, ma'am, whether he will keep his +wured?' + +'No,' she returned. + +'Why not?' said Mr. Peggotty. + +'It is impossible. He would disgrace himself. You cannot fail to know +that she is far below him.' + +'Raise her up!' said Mr. Peggotty. + +'She is uneducated and ignorant.' + +'Maybe she's not; maybe she is,' said Mr. Peggotty. 'I think not, ma'am; +but I'm no judge of them things. Teach her better!' + +'Since you oblige me to speak more plainly, which I am very unwilling +to do, her humble connexions would render such a thing impossible, if +nothing else did.' + +'Hark to this, ma'am,' he returned, slowly and quietly. 'You know what +it is to love your child. So do I. If she was a hundred times my child, +I couldn't love her more. You doen't know what it is to lose your child. +I do. All the heaps of riches in the wureld would be nowt to me (if they +was mine) to buy her back! But, save her from this disgrace, and she +shall never be disgraced by us. Not one of us that she's growed up +among, not one of us that's lived along with her and had her for their +all in all, these many year, will ever look upon her pritty face again. +We'll be content to let her be; we'll be content to think of her, far +off, as if she was underneath another sun and sky; we'll be content to +trust her to her husband,--to her little children, p'raps,--and bide the +time when all of us shall be alike in quality afore our God!' + +The rugged eloquence with which he spoke, was not devoid of all effect. +She still preserved her proud manner, but there was a touch of softness +in her voice, as she answered: + +'I justify nothing. I make no counter-accusations. But I am sorry to +repeat, it is impossible. Such a marriage would irretrievably blight my +son's career, and ruin his prospects. Nothing is more certain than +that it never can take place, and never will. If there is any other +compensation--' + +'I am looking at the likeness of the face,' interrupted Mr. Peggotty, +with a steady but a kindling eye, 'that has looked at me, in my home, at +my fireside, in my boat--wheer not?---smiling and friendly, when it was +so treacherous, that I go half wild when I think of it. If the likeness +of that face don't turn to burning fire, at the thought of offering +money to me for my child's blight and ruin, it's as bad. I doen't know, +being a lady's, but what it's worse.' + +She changed now, in a moment. An angry flush overspread her features; +and she said, in an intolerant manner, grasping the arm-chair tightly +with her hands: + +'What compensation can you make to ME for opening such a pit between me +and my son? What is your love to mine? What is your separation to ours?' + +Miss Dartle softly touched her, and bent down her head to whisper, but +she would not hear a word. + +'No, Rosa, not a word! Let the man listen to what I say! My son, who has +been the object of my life, to whom its every thought has been devoted, +whom I have gratified from a child in every wish, from whom I have had +no separate existence since his birth,--to take up in a moment with a +miserable girl, and avoid me! To repay my confidence with systematic +deception, for her sake, and quit me for her! To set this wretched +fancy, against his mother's claims upon his duty, love, respect, +gratitude--claims that every day and hour of his life should have +strengthened into ties that nothing could be proof against! Is this no +injury?' + +Again Rosa Dartle tried to soothe her; again ineffectually. + +'I say, Rosa, not a word! If he can stake his all upon the lightest +object, I can stake my all upon a greater purpose. Let him go where he +will, with the means that my love has secured to him! Does he think to +reduce me by long absence? He knows his mother very little if he does. +Let him put away his whim now, and he is welcome back. Let him not put +her away now, and he never shall come near me, living or dying, while +I can raise my hand to make a sign against it, unless, being rid of her +for ever, he comes humbly to me and begs for my forgiveness. This is my +right. This is the acknowledgement I WILL HAVE. This is the separation +that there is between us! And is this,' she added, looking at her +visitor with the proud intolerant air with which she had begun, 'no +injury?' + +While I heard and saw the mother as she said these words, I seemed to +hear and see the son, defying them. All that I had ever seen in him of +an unyielding, wilful spirit, I saw in her. All the understanding that +I had now of his misdirected energy, became an understanding of her +character too, and a perception that it was, in its strongest springs, +the same. + +She now observed to me, aloud, resuming her former restraint, that it +was useless to hear more, or to say more, and that she begged to put an +end to the interview. She rose with an air of dignity to leave the room, +when Mr. Peggotty signified that it was needless. + +'Doen't fear me being any hindrance to you, I have no more to say, +ma'am,' he remarked, as he moved towards the door. 'I come heer with no +hope, and I take away no hope. I have done what I thowt should be done, +but I never looked fur any good to come of my stan'ning where I do. +This has been too evil a house fur me and mine, fur me to be in my right +senses and expect it.' + +With this, we departed; leaving her standing by her elbow-chair, a +picture of a noble presence and a handsome face. + +We had, on our way out, to cross a paved hall, with glass sides and +roof, over which a vine was trained. Its leaves and shoots were green +then, and the day being sunny, a pair of glass doors leading to the +garden were thrown open. Rosa Dartle, entering this way with a noiseless +step, when we were close to them, addressed herself to me: + +'You do well,' she said, 'indeed, to bring this fellow here!' + +Such a concentration of rage and scorn as darkened her face, and flashed +in her jet-black eyes, I could not have thought compressible even into +that face. The scar made by the hammer was, as usual in this excited +state of her features, strongly marked. When the throbbing I had seen +before, came into it as I looked at her, she absolutely lifted up her +hand, and struck it. + +'This is a fellow,' she said, 'to champion and bring here, is he not? +You are a true man!' + +'Miss Dartle,' I returned, 'you are surely not so unjust as to condemn +ME!' + +'Why do you bring division between these two mad creatures?' she +returned. 'Don't you know that they are both mad with their own +self-will and pride?' + +'Is it my doing?' I returned. + +'Is it your doing!' she retorted. 'Why do you bring this man here?' + +'He is a deeply-injured man, Miss Dartle,' I replied. 'You may not know +it.' + +'I know that James Steerforth,' she said, with her hand on her bosom, as +if to prevent the storm that was raging there, from being loud, 'has +a false, corrupt heart, and is a traitor. But what need I know or care +about this fellow, and his common niece?' + +'Miss Dartle,' I returned, 'you deepen the injury. It is sufficient +already. I will only say, at parting, that you do him a great wrong.' + +'I do him no wrong,' she returned. 'They are a depraved, worthless set. +I would have her whipped!' + +Mr. Peggotty passed on, without a word, and went out at the door. + +'Oh, shame, Miss Dartle! shame!' I said indignantly. 'How can you bear +to trample on his undeserved affliction!' + +'I would trample on them all,' she answered. 'I would have his house +pulled down. I would have her branded on the face, dressed in rags, +and cast out in the streets to starve. If I had the power to sit in +judgement on her, I would see it done. See it done? I would do it! I +detest her. If I ever could reproach her with her infamous condition, I +would go anywhere to do so. If I could hunt her to her grave, I would. +If there was any word of comfort that would be a solace to her in her +dying hour, and only I possessed it, I wouldn't part with it for Life +itself.' + +The mere vehemence of her words can convey, I am sensible, but a weak +impression of the passion by which she was possessed, and which made +itself articulate in her whole figure, though her voice, instead of +being raised, was lower than usual. No description I could give of her +would do justice to my recollection of her, or to her entire deliverance +of herself to her anger. I have seen passion in many forms, but I have +never seen it in such a form as that. + +When I joined Mr. Peggotty, he was walking slowly and thoughtfully down +the hill. He told me, as soon as I came up with him, that having now +discharged his mind of what he had purposed doing in London, he meant +'to set out on his travels', that night. I asked him where he meant to +go? He only answered, 'I'm a going, sir, to seek my niece.' + +We went back to the little lodging over the chandler's shop, and there +I found an opportunity of repeating to Peggotty what he had said to +me. She informed me, in return, that he had said the same to her that +morning. She knew no more than I did, where he was going, but she +thought he had some project shaped out in his mind. + +I did not like to leave him, under such circumstances, and we all three +dined together off a beefsteak pie--which was one of the many good +things for which Peggotty was famous--and which was curiously flavoured +on this occasion, I recollect well, by a miscellaneous taste of tea, +coffee, butter, bacon, cheese, new loaves, firewood, candles, and walnut +ketchup, continually ascending from the shop. After dinner we sat for an +hour or so near the window, without talking much; and then Mr. Peggotty +got up, and brought his oilskin bag and his stout stick, and laid them +on the table. + +He accepted, from his sister's stock of ready money, a small sum on +account of his legacy; barely enough, I should have thought, to keep him +for a month. He promised to communicate with me, when anything befell +him; and he slung his bag about him, took his hat and stick, and bade us +both 'Good-bye!' + +'All good attend you, dear old woman,' he said, embracing Peggotty, 'and +you too, Mas'r Davy!' shaking hands with me. 'I'm a-going to seek her, +fur and wide. If she should come home while I'm away--but ah, that ain't +like to be!--or if I should bring her back, my meaning is, that she +and me shall live and die where no one can't reproach her. If any hurt +should come to me, remember that the last words I left for her was, "My +unchanged love is with my darling child, and I forgive her!"' + +He said this solemnly, bare-headed; then, putting on his hat, he went +down the stairs, and away. We followed to the door. It was a warm, dusty +evening, just the time when, in the great main thoroughfare out of which +that by-way turned, there was a temporary lull in the eternal tread of +feet upon the pavement, and a strong red sunshine. He turned, alone, at +the corner of our shady street, into a glow of light, in which we lost +him. + +Rarely did that hour of the evening come, rarely did I wake at night, +rarely did I look up at the moon, or stars, or watch the falling rain, +or hear the wind, but I thought of his solitary figure toiling on, poor +pilgrim, and recalled the words: + +'I'm a going to seek her, fur and wide. If any hurt should come to me, +remember that the last words I left for her was, "My unchanged love is +with my darling child, and I forgive her!"' + + + +CHAPTER 33. BLISSFUL + + +All this time, I had gone on loving Dora, harder than ever. Her idea was +my refuge in disappointment and distress, and made some amends to me, +even for the loss of my friend. The more I pitied myself, or pitied +others, the more I sought for consolation in the image of Dora. The +greater the accumulation of deceit and trouble in the world, the +brighter and the purer shone the star of Dora high above the world. I +don't think I had any definite idea where Dora came from, or in what +degree she was related to a higher order of beings; but I am quite sure +I should have scouted the notion of her being simply human, like any +other young lady, with indignation and contempt. + +If I may so express it, I was steeped in Dora. I was not merely over +head and ears in love with her, but I was saturated through and through. +Enough love might have been wrung out of me, metaphorically speaking, +to drown anybody in; and yet there would have remained enough within me, +and all over me, to pervade my entire existence. + +The first thing I did, on my own account, when I came back, was to take +a night-walk to Norwood, and, like the subject of a venerable riddle of +my childhood, to go 'round and round the house, without ever +touching the house', thinking about Dora. I believe the theme of this +incomprehensible conundrum was the moon. No matter what it was, I, the +moon-struck slave of Dora, perambulated round and round the house and +garden for two hours, looking through crevices in the palings, getting +my chin by dint of violent exertion above the rusty nails on the top, +blowing kisses at the lights in the windows, and romantically calling +on the night, at intervals, to shield my Dora--I don't exactly know what +from, I suppose from fire. Perhaps from mice, to which she had a great +objection. + +My love was so much in my mind and it was so natural to me to confide in +Peggotty, when I found her again by my side of an evening with the old +set of industrial implements, busily making the tour of my wardrobe, +that I imparted to her, in a sufficiently roundabout way, my great +secret. Peggotty was strongly interested, but I could not get her into +my view of the case at all. She was audaciously prejudiced in my favour, +and quite unable to understand why I should have any misgivings, or be +low-spirited about it. 'The young lady might think herself well off,' +she observed, 'to have such a beau. And as to her Pa,' she said, 'what +did the gentleman expect, for gracious sake!' + +I observed, however, that Mr. Spenlow's proctorial gown and stiff cravat +took Peggotty down a little, and inspired her with a greater reverence +for the man who was gradually becoming more and more etherealized in my +eyes every day, and about whom a reflected radiance seemed to me to beam +when he sat erect in Court among his papers, like a little lighthouse in +a sea of stationery. And by the by, it used to be uncommonly strange +to me to consider, I remember, as I sat in Court too, how those dim old +judges and doctors wouldn't have cared for Dora, if they had known +her; how they wouldn't have gone out of their senses with rapture, if +marriage with Dora had been proposed to them; how Dora might have sung, +and played upon that glorified guitar, until she led me to the verge of +madness, yet not have tempted one of those slow-goers an inch out of his +road! + +I despised them, to a man. Frozen-out old gardeners in the flower-beds +of the heart, I took a personal offence against them all. The Bench +was nothing to me but an insensible blunderer. The Bar had no more +tenderness or poetry in it, than the bar of a public-house. + +Taking the management of Peggotty's affairs into my own hands, with +no little pride, I proved the will, and came to a settlement with the +Legacy Duty-office, and took her to the Bank, and soon got everything +into an orderly train. We varied the legal character of these +proceedings by going to see some perspiring Wax-work, in Fleet Street +(melted, I should hope, these twenty years); and by visiting Miss +Linwood's Exhibition, which I remember as a Mausoleum of needlework, +favourable to self-examination and repentance; and by inspecting the +Tower of London; and going to the top of St. Paul's. All these wonders +afforded Peggotty as much pleasure as she was able to enjoy, under +existing circumstances: except, I think, St. Paul's, which, from her +long attachment to her work-box, became a rival of the picture on the +lid, and was, in some particulars, vanquished, she considered, by that +work of art. + +Peggotty's business, which was what we used to call 'common-form +business' in the Commons (and very light and lucrative the common-form +business was), being settled, I took her down to the office one morning +to pay her bill. Mr. Spenlow had stepped out, old Tiffey said, to get a +gentleman sworn for a marriage licence; but as I knew he would be +back directly, our place lying close to the Surrogate's, and to the +Vicar-General's office too, I told Peggotty to wait. + +We were a little like undertakers, in the Commons, as regarded Probate +transactions; generally making it a rule to look more or less cut up, +when we had to deal with clients in mourning. In a similar feeling +of delicacy, we were always blithe and light-hearted with the licence +clients. Therefore I hinted to Peggotty that she would find Mr. Spenlow +much recovered from the shock of Mr. Barkis's decease; and indeed he +came in like a bridegroom. + +But neither Peggotty nor I had eyes for him, when we saw, in company +with him, Mr. Murdstone. He was very little changed. His hair looked as +thick, and was certainly as black, as ever; and his glance was as little +to be trusted as of old. + +'Ah, Copperfield?' said Mr. Spenlow. 'You know this gentleman, I +believe?' + +I made my gentleman a distant bow, and Peggotty barely recognized him. +He was, at first, somewhat disconcerted to meet us two together; but +quickly decided what to do, and came up to me. + +'I hope,' he said, 'that you are doing well?' + +'It can hardly be interesting to you,' said I. 'Yes, if you wish to +know.' + +We looked at each other, and he addressed himself to Peggotty. + +'And you,' said he. 'I am sorry to observe that you have lost your +husband.' + +'It's not the first loss I have had in my life, Mr. Murdstone,' replied +Peggotty, trembling from head to foot. 'I am glad to hope that there is +nobody to blame for this one,--nobody to answer for it.' + +'Ha!' said he; 'that's a comfortable reflection. You have done your +duty?' + +'I have not worn anybody's life away,' said Peggotty, 'I am thankful to +think! No, Mr. Murdstone, I have not worrited and frightened any sweet +creetur to an early grave!' + +He eyed her gloomily--remorsefully I thought--for an instant; and said, +turning his head towards me, but looking at my feet instead of my face: + +'We are not likely to encounter soon again;--a source of satisfaction to +us both, no doubt, for such meetings as this can never be agreeable. I +do not expect that you, who always rebelled against my just authority, +exerted for your benefit and reformation, should owe me any good-will +now. There is an antipathy between us--' + +'An old one, I believe?' said I, interrupting him. + +He smiled, and shot as evil a glance at me as could come from his dark +eyes. + +'It rankled in your baby breast,' he said. 'It embittered the life of +your poor mother. You are right. I hope you may do better, yet; I hope +you may correct yourself.' + +Here he ended the dialogue, which had been carried on in a low voice, +in a corner of the outer office, by passing into Mr. Spenlow's room, and +saying aloud, in his smoothest manner: + +'Gentlemen of Mr. Spenlow's profession are accustomed to family +differences, and know how complicated and difficult they always are!' +With that, he paid the money for his licence; and, receiving it neatly +folded from Mr. Spenlow, together with a shake of the hand, and a polite +wish for his happiness and the lady's, went out of the office. + +I might have had more difficulty in constraining myself to be silent +under his words, if I had had less difficulty in impressing upon +Peggotty (who was only angry on my account, good creature!) that we were +not in a place for recrimination, and that I besought her to hold her +peace. She was so unusually roused, that I was glad to compound for +an affectionate hug, elicited by this revival in her mind of our old +injuries, and to make the best I could of it, before Mr. Spenlow and the +clerks. + +Mr. Spenlow did not appear to know what the connexion between Mr. +Murdstone and myself was; which I was glad of, for I could not bear to +acknowledge him, even in my own breast, remembering what I did of the +history of my poor mother. Mr. Spenlow seemed to think, if he thought +anything about the matter, that my aunt was the leader of the state +party in our family, and that there was a rebel party commanded by +somebody else--so I gathered at least from what he said, while we were +waiting for Mr. Tiffey to make out Peggotty's bill of costs. + +'Miss Trotwood,' he remarked, 'is very firm, no doubt, and not likely +to give way to opposition. I have an admiration for her character, and +I may congratulate you, Copperfield, on being on the right side. +Differences between relations are much to be deplored--but they are +extremely general--and the great thing is, to be on the right side': +meaning, I take it, on the side of the moneyed interest. + +'Rather a good marriage this, I believe?' said Mr. Spenlow. + +I explained that I knew nothing about it. + +'Indeed!' he said. 'Speaking from the few words Mr. Murdstone +dropped--as a man frequently does on these occasions--and from what Miss +Murdstone let fall, I should say it was rather a good marriage.' + +'Do you mean that there is money, sir?' I asked. + +'Yes,' said Mr. Spenlow, 'I understand there's money. Beauty too, I am +told.' + +'Indeed! Is his new wife young?' + +'Just of age,' said Mr. Spenlow. 'So lately, that I should think they +had been waiting for that.' + +'Lord deliver her!' said Peggotty. So very emphatically and +unexpectedly, that we were all three discomposed; until Tiffey came in +with the bill. + +Old Tiffey soon appeared, however, and handed it to Mr. Spenlow, to +look over. Mr. Spenlow, settling his chin in his cravat and rubbing it +softly, went over the items with a deprecatory air--as if it were all +Jorkins's doing--and handed it back to Tiffey with a bland sigh. + +'Yes,' he said. 'That's right. Quite right. I should have been extremely +happy, Copperfield, to have limited these charges to the actual +expenditure out of pocket, but it is an irksome incident in my +professional life, that I am not at liberty to consult my own wishes. I +have a partner--Mr. Jorkins.' + +As he said this with a gentle melancholy, which was the next thing to +making no charge at all, I expressed my acknowledgements on Peggotty's +behalf, and paid Tiffey in banknotes. Peggotty then retired to +her lodging, and Mr. Spenlow and I went into Court, where we had a +divorce-suit coming on, under an ingenious little statute (repealed +now, I believe, but in virtue of which I have seen several marriages +annulled), of which the merits were these. The husband, whose name was +Thomas Benjamin, had taken out his marriage licence as Thomas only; +suppressing the Benjamin, in case he should not find himself as +comfortable as he expected. NOT finding himself as comfortable as he +expected, or being a little fatigued with his wife, poor fellow, he +now came forward, by a friend, after being married a year or two, and +declared that his name was Thomas Benjamin, and therefore he was not +married at all. Which the Court confirmed, to his great satisfaction. + +I must say that I had my doubts about the strict justice of this, +and was not even frightened out of them by the bushel of wheat which +reconciles all anomalies. But Mr. Spenlow argued the matter with me. He +said, Look at the world, there was good and evil in that; look at the +ecclesiastical law, there was good and evil in THAT. It was all part of +a system. Very good. There you were! + +I had not the hardihood to suggest to Dora's father that possibly +we might even improve the world a little, if we got up early in the +morning, and took off our coats to the work; but I confessed that I +thought we might improve the Commons. Mr. Spenlow replied that he would +particularly advise me to dismiss that idea from my mind, as not being +worthy of my gentlemanly character; but that he would be glad to hear +from me of what improvement I thought the Commons susceptible? + +Taking that part of the Commons which happened to be nearest to us--for +our man was unmarried by this time, and we were out of Court, and +strolling past the Prerogative Office--I submitted that I thought the +Prerogative Office rather a queerly managed institution. Mr. Spenlow +inquired in what respect? I replied, with all due deference to his +experience (but with more deference, I am afraid, to his being Dora's +father), that perhaps it was a little nonsensical that the Registry of +that Court, containing the original wills of all persons leaving effects +within the immense province of Canterbury, for three whole centuries, +should be an accidental building, never designed for the purpose, leased +by the registrars for their Own private emolument, unsafe, not even +ascertained to be fire-proof, choked with the important documents +it held, and positively, from the roof to the basement, a mercenary +speculation of the registrars, who took great fees from the public, and +crammed the public's wills away anyhow and anywhere, having no other +object than to get rid of them cheaply. That, perhaps, it was a little +unreasonable that these registrars in the receipt of profits amounting +to eight or nine thousand pounds a year (to say nothing of the profits +of the deputy registrars, and clerks of seats), should not be obliged to +spend a little of that money, in finding a reasonably safe place for the +important documents which all classes of people were compelled to hand +over to them, whether they would or no. That, perhaps, it was a little +unjust, that all the great offices in this great office should be +magnificent sinecures, while the unfortunate working-clerks in the cold +dark room upstairs were the worst rewarded, and the least considered +men, doing important services, in London. That perhaps it was a little +indecent that the principal registrar of all, whose duty it was to +find the public, constantly resorting to this place, all needful +accommodation, should be an enormous sinecurist in virtue of that post +(and might be, besides, a clergyman, a pluralist, the holder of a +staff in a cathedral, and what not),--while the public was put to the +inconvenience of which we had a specimen every afternoon when the office +was busy, and which we knew to be quite monstrous. That, perhaps, +in short, this Prerogative Office of the diocese of Canterbury was +altogether such a pestilent job, and such a pernicious absurdity, that +but for its being squeezed away in a corner of St. Paul's Churchyard, +which few people knew, it must have been turned completely inside out, +and upside down, long ago. + +Mr. Spenlow smiled as I became modestly warm on the subject, and then +argued this question with me as he had argued the other. He said, what +was it after all? It was a question of feeling. If the public felt +that their wills were in safe keeping, and took it for granted that the +office was not to be made better, who was the worse for it? Nobody. Who +was the better for it? All the Sinecurists. Very well. Then the good +predominated. It might not be a perfect system; nothing was perfect; +but what he objected to, was, the insertion of the wedge. Under the +Prerogative Office, the country had been glorious. Insert the wedge into +the Prerogative Office, and the country would cease to be glorious. He +considered it the principle of a gentleman to take things as he found +them; and he had no doubt the Prerogative Office would last our time. I +deferred to his opinion, though I had great doubts of it myself. I find +he was right, however; for it has not only lasted to the present moment, +but has done so in the teeth of a great parliamentary report made (not +too willingly) eighteen years ago, when all these objections of mine +were set forth in detail, and when the existing stowage for wills was +described as equal to the accumulation of only two years and a half +more. What they have done with them since; whether they have lost many, +or whether they sell any, now and then, to the butter shops; I don't +know. I am glad mine is not there, and I hope it may not go there, yet +awhile. + +I have set all this down, in my present blissful chapter, because here +it comes into its natural place. Mr. Spenlow and I falling into this +conversation, prolonged it and our saunter to and fro, until we diverged +into general topics. And so it came about, in the end, that Mr. Spenlow +told me this day week was Dora's birthday, and he would be glad if I +would come down and join a little picnic on the occasion. I went out of +my senses immediately; became a mere driveller next day, on receipt of +a little lace-edged sheet of note-paper, 'Favoured by papa. To remind'; +and passed the intervening period in a state of dotage. + +I think I committed every possible absurdity in the way of preparation +for this blessed event. I turn hot when I remember the cravat I bought. +My boots might be placed in any collection of instruments of torture. +I provided, and sent down by the Norwood coach the night before, a +delicate little hamper, amounting in itself, I thought, almost to a +declaration. There were crackers in it with the tenderest mottoes that +could be got for money. At six in the morning, I was in Covent Garden +Market, buying a bouquet for Dora. At ten I was on horseback (I hired a +gallant grey, for the occasion), with the bouquet in my hat, to keep it +fresh, trotting down to Norwood. + +I suppose that when I saw Dora in the garden and pretended not to see +her, and rode past the house pretending to be anxiously looking for +it, I committed two small fooleries which other young gentlemen in my +circumstances might have committed--because they came so very natural +to me. But oh! when I DID find the house, and DID dismount at the +garden-gate, and drag those stony-hearted boots across the lawn to Dora +sitting on a garden-seat under a lilac tree, what a spectacle she was, +upon that beautiful morning, among the butterflies, in a white chip +bonnet and a dress of celestial blue! There was a young lady with +her--comparatively stricken in years--almost twenty, I should say. Her +name was Miss Mills. And Dora called her Julia. She was the bosom friend +of Dora. Happy Miss Mills! + +Jip was there, and Jip WOULD bark at me again. When I presented my +bouquet, he gnashed his teeth with jealousy. Well he might. If he had +the least idea how I adored his mistress, well he might! + +'Oh, thank you, Mr. Copperfield! What dear flowers!' said Dora. + +I had had an intention of saying (and had been studying the best form of +words for three miles) that I thought them beautiful before I saw them +so near HER. But I couldn't manage it. She was too bewildering. To see +her lay the flowers against her little dimpled chin, was to lose all +presence of mind and power of language in a feeble ecstasy. I wonder I +didn't say, 'Kill me, if you have a heart, Miss Mills. Let me die here!' + +Then Dora held my flowers to Jip to smell. Then Jip growled, and +wouldn't smell them. Then Dora laughed, and held them a little closer +to Jip, to make him. Then Jip laid hold of a bit of geranium with his +teeth, and worried imaginary cats in it. Then Dora beat him, and pouted, +and said, 'My poor beautiful flowers!' as compassionately, I thought, as +if Jip had laid hold of me. I wished he had! + +'You'll be so glad to hear, Mr. Copperfield,' said Dora, 'that that +cross Miss Murdstone is not here. She has gone to her brother's +marriage, and will be away at least three weeks. Isn't that delightful?' + +I said I was sure it must be delightful to her, and all that was +delightful to her was delightful to me. Miss Mills, with an air of +superior wisdom and benevolence, smiled upon us. + +'She is the most disagreeable thing I ever saw,' said Dora. 'You can't +believe how ill-tempered and shocking she is, Julia.' + +'Yes, I can, my dear!' said Julia. + +'YOU can, perhaps, love,' returned Dora, with her hand on Julia's. +'Forgive my not excepting you, my dear, at first.' + +I learnt, from this, that Miss Mills had had her trials in the course +of a chequered existence; and that to these, perhaps, I might refer that +wise benignity of manner which I had already noticed. I found, in +the course of the day, that this was the case: Miss Mills having been +unhappy in a misplaced affection, and being understood to have retired +from the world on her awful stock of experience, but still to take a +calm interest in the unblighted hopes and loves of youth. + +But now Mr. Spenlow came out of the house, and Dora went to him, +saying, 'Look, papa, what beautiful flowers!' And Miss Mills smiled +thoughtfully, as who should say, 'Ye Mayflies, enjoy your brief +existence in the bright morning of life!' And we all walked from the +lawn towards the carriage, which was getting ready. + +I shall never have such a ride again. I have never had such another. +There were only those three, their hamper, my hamper, and the +guitar-case, in the phaeton; and, of course, the phaeton was open; and +I rode behind it, and Dora sat with her back to the horses, looking +towards me. She kept the bouquet close to her on the cushion, and +wouldn't allow Jip to sit on that side of her at all, for fear he should +crush it. She often carried it in her hand, often refreshed herself +with its fragrance. Our eyes at those times often met; and my great +astonishment is that I didn't go over the head of my gallant grey into +the carriage. + +There was dust, I believe. There was a good deal of dust, I believe. I +have a faint impression that Mr. Spenlow remonstrated with me for riding +in it; but I knew of none. I was sensible of a mist of love and beauty +about Dora, but of nothing else. He stood up sometimes, and asked me +what I thought of the prospect. I said it was delightful, and I dare +say it was; but it was all Dora to me. The sun shone Dora, and the birds +sang Dora. The south wind blew Dora, and the wild flowers in the hedges +were all Doras, to a bud. My comfort is, Miss Mills understood me. Miss +Mills alone could enter into my feelings thoroughly. + +I don't know how long we were going, and to this hour I know as little +where we went. Perhaps it was near Guildford. Perhaps some Arabian-night +magician, opened up the place for the day, and shut it up for ever when +we came away. It was a green spot, on a hill, carpeted with soft turf. +There were shady trees, and heather, and, as far as the eye could see, a +rich landscape. + +It was a trying thing to find people here, waiting for us; and my +jealousy, even of the ladies, knew no bounds. But all of my own +sex--especially one impostor, three or four years my elder, with a red +whisker, on which he established an amount of presumption not to be +endured--were my mortal foes. + +We all unpacked our baskets, and employed ourselves in getting dinner +ready. Red Whisker pretended he could make a salad (which I don't +believe), and obtruded himself on public notice. Some of the young +ladies washed the lettuces for him, and sliced them under his +directions. Dora was among these. I felt that fate had pitted me against +this man, and one of us must fall. + +Red Whisker made his salad (I wondered how they could eat it. Nothing +should have induced ME to touch it!) and voted himself into the charge +of the wine-cellar, which he constructed, being an ingenious beast, in +the hollow trunk of a tree. By and by, I saw him, with the majority of a +lobster on his plate, eating his dinner at the feet of Dora! + +I have but an indistinct idea of what happened for some time after this +baleful object presented itself to my view. I was very merry, I know; +but it was hollow merriment. I attached myself to a young creature in +pink, with little eyes, and flirted with her desperately. She received +my attentions with favour; but whether on my account solely, or because +she had any designs on Red Whisker, I can't say. Dora's health was +drunk. When I drank it, I affected to interrupt my conversation for that +purpose, and to resume it immediately afterwards. I caught Dora's eye as +I bowed to her, and I thought it looked appealing. But it looked at me +over the head of Red Whisker, and I was adamant. + +The young creature in pink had a mother in green; and I rather think the +latter separated us from motives of policy. Howbeit, there was a general +breaking up of the party, while the remnants of the dinner were being +put away; and I strolled off by myself among the trees, in a raging and +remorseful state. I was debating whether I should pretend that I was not +well, and fly--I don't know where--upon my gallant grey, when Dora and +Miss Mills met me. + +'Mr. Copperfield,' said Miss Mills, 'you are dull.' + +I begged her pardon. Not at all. + +'And Dora,' said Miss Mills, 'YOU are dull.' + +Oh dear no! Not in the least. + +'Mr. Copperfield and Dora,' said Miss Mills, with an almost venerable +air. 'Enough of this. Do not allow a trivial misunderstanding to wither +the blossoms of spring, which, once put forth and blighted, cannot be +renewed. I speak,' said Miss Mills, 'from experience of the past--the +remote, irrevocable past. The gushing fountains which sparkle in the +sun, must not be stopped in mere caprice; the oasis in the desert of +Sahara must not be plucked up idly.' + +I hardly knew what I did, I was burning all over to that extraordinary +extent; but I took Dora's little hand and kissed it--and she let me! +I kissed Miss Mills's hand; and we all seemed, to my thinking, to go +straight up to the seventh heaven. We did not come down again. We stayed +up there all the evening. At first we strayed to and fro among the +trees: I with Dora's shy arm drawn through mine: and Heaven knows, +folly as it all was, it would have been a happy fate to have been struck +immortal with those foolish feelings, and have stayed among the trees +for ever! + +But, much too soon, we heard the others laughing and talking, and +calling 'where's Dora?' So we went back, and they wanted Dora to sing. +Red Whisker would have got the guitar-case out of the carriage, but Dora +told him nobody knew where it was, but I. So Red Whisker was done for +in a moment; and I got it, and I unlocked it, and I took the guitar out, +and I sat by her, and I held her handkerchief and gloves, and I drank in +every note of her dear voice, and she sang to ME who loved her, and all +the others might applaud as much as they liked, but they had nothing to +do with it! + +I was intoxicated with joy. I was afraid it was too happy to be real, +and that I should wake in Buckingham Street presently, and hear Mrs. +Crupp clinking the teacups in getting breakfast ready. But Dora sang, +and others sang, and Miss Mills sang--about the slumbering echoes in the +caverns of Memory; as if she were a hundred years old--and the evening +came on; and we had tea, with the kettle boiling gipsy-fashion; and I +was still as happy as ever. + +I was happier than ever when the party broke up, and the other people, +defeated Red Whisker and all, went their several ways, and we went ours +through the still evening and the dying light, with sweet scents +rising up around us. Mr. Spenlow being a little drowsy after the +champagne--honour to the soil that grew the grape, to the grape that +made the wine, to the sun that ripened it, and to the merchant who +adulterated it!--and being fast asleep in a corner of the carriage, I +rode by the side and talked to Dora. She admired my horse and patted +him--oh, what a dear little hand it looked upon a horse!--and her shawl +would not keep right, and now and then I drew it round her with my arm; +and I even fancied that Jip began to see how it was, and to understand +that he must make up his mind to be friends with me. + +That sagacious Miss Mills, too; that amiable, though quite used up, +recluse; that little patriarch of something less than twenty, who had +done with the world, and mustn't on any account have the slumbering +echoes in the caverns of Memory awakened; what a kind thing she did! + +'Mr. Copperfield,' said Miss Mills, 'come to this side of the carriage a +moment--if you can spare a moment. I want to speak to you.' + +Behold me, on my gallant grey, bending at the side of Miss Mills, with +my hand upon the carriage door! + +'Dora is coming to stay with me. She is coming home with me the day +after tomorrow. If you would like to call, I am sure papa would be +happy to see you.' What could I do but invoke a silent blessing on Miss +Mills's head, and store Miss Mills's address in the securest corner of +my memory! What could I do but tell Miss Mills, with grateful looks +and fervent words, how much I appreciated her good offices, and what an +inestimable value I set upon her friendship! + +Then Miss Mills benignantly dismissed me, saying, 'Go back to Dora!' and +I went; and Dora leaned out of the carriage to talk to me, and we talked +all the rest of the way; and I rode my gallant grey so close to the +wheel that I grazed his near fore leg against it, and 'took the bark +off', as his owner told me, 'to the tune of three pun' sivin'--which I +paid, and thought extremely cheap for so much joy. What time Miss Mills +sat looking at the moon, murmuring verses--and recalling, I suppose, the +ancient days when she and earth had anything in common. + +Norwood was many miles too near, and we reached it many hours too soon; +but Mr. Spenlow came to himself a little short of it, and said, +'You must come in, Copperfield, and rest!' and I consenting, we had +sandwiches and wine-and-water. In the light room, Dora blushing looked +so lovely, that I could not tear myself away, but sat there staring, in +a dream, until the snoring of Mr. Spenlow inspired me with sufficient +consciousness to take my leave. So we parted; I riding all the way +to London with the farewell touch of Dora's hand still light on mine, +recalling every incident and word ten thousand times; lying down in my +own bed at last, as enraptured a young noodle as ever was carried out of +his five wits by love. + +When I awoke next morning, I was resolute to declare my passion to Dora, +and know my fate. Happiness or misery was now the question. There was no +other question that I knew of in the world, and only Dora could give the +answer to it. I passed three days in a luxury of wretchedness, torturing +myself by putting every conceivable variety of discouraging construction +on all that ever had taken place between Dora and me. At last, arrayed +for the purpose at a vast expense, I went to Miss Mills's, fraught with +a declaration. + +How many times I went up and down the street, and round the +square--painfully aware of being a much better answer to the old riddle +than the original one--before I could persuade myself to go up the steps +and knock, is no matter now. Even when, at last, I had knocked, and was +waiting at the door, I had some flurried thought of asking if that +were Mr. Blackboy's (in imitation of poor Barkis), begging pardon, and +retreating. But I kept my ground. + +Mr. Mills was not at home. I did not expect he would be. Nobody wanted +HIM. Miss Mills was at home. Miss Mills would do. + +I was shown into a room upstairs, where Miss Mills and Dora were. Jip +was there. Miss Mills was copying music (I recollect, it was a new song, +called 'Affection's Dirge'), and Dora was painting flowers. What were my +feelings, when I recognized my own flowers; the identical Covent Garden +Market purchase! I cannot say that they were very like, or that +they particularly resembled any flowers that have ever come under my +observation; but I knew from the paper round them which was accurately +copied, what the composition was. + +Miss Mills was very glad to see me, and very sorry her papa was not at +home: though I thought we all bore that with fortitude. Miss Mills was +conversational for a few minutes, and then, laying down her pen upon +'Affection's Dirge', got up, and left the room. + +I began to think I would put it off till tomorrow. + +'I hope your poor horse was not tired, when he got home at night,' said +Dora, lifting up her beautiful eyes. 'It was a long way for him.' + +I began to think I would do it today. + +'It was a long way for him,' said I, 'for he had nothing to uphold him +on the journey.' + +'Wasn't he fed, poor thing?' asked Dora. + +I began to think I would put it off till tomorrow. + +'Ye-yes,' I said, 'he was well taken care of. I mean he had not the +unutterable happiness that I had in being so near you.' + +Dora bent her head over her drawing and said, after a little while--I +had sat, in the interval, in a burning fever, and with my legs in a very +rigid state-- + +'You didn't seem to be sensible of that happiness yourself, at one time +of the day.' + +I saw now that I was in for it, and it must be done on the spot. + +'You didn't care for that happiness in the least,' said Dora, slightly +raising her eyebrows, and shaking her head, 'when you were sitting by +Miss Kitt.' + +Kitt, I should observe, was the name of the creature in pink, with the +little eyes. + +'Though certainly I don't know why you should,' said Dora, 'or why you +should call it a happiness at all. But of course you don't mean what you +say. And I am sure no one doubts your being at liberty to do whatever +you like. Jip, you naughty boy, come here!' + +I don't know how I did it. I did it in a moment. I intercepted Jip. +I had Dora in my arms. I was full of eloquence. I never stopped for a +word. I told her how I loved her. I told her I should die without her. +I told her that I idolized and worshipped her. Jip barked madly all the +time. + +When Dora hung her head and cried, and trembled, my eloquence increased +so much the more. If she would like me to die for her, she had but to +say the word, and I was ready. Life without Dora's love was not a thing +to have on any terms. I couldn't bear it, and I wouldn't. I had loved +her every minute, day and night, since I first saw her. I loved her at +that minute to distraction. I should always love her, every minute, to +distraction. Lovers had loved before, and lovers would love again; but +no lover had loved, might, could, would, or should ever love, as I loved +Dora. The more I raved, the more Jip barked. Each of us, in his own way, +got more mad every moment. + +Well, well! Dora and I were sitting on the sofa by and by, quiet enough, +and Jip was lying in her lap, winking peacefully at me. It was off my +mind. I was in a state of perfect rapture. Dora and I were engaged. + +I suppose we had some notion that this was to end in marriage. We must +have had some, because Dora stipulated that we were never to be married +without her papa's consent. But, in our youthful ecstasy, I don't think +that we really looked before us or behind us; or had any aspiration +beyond the ignorant present. We were to keep our secret from Mr. +Spenlow; but I am sure the idea never entered my head, then, that there +was anything dishonourable in that. + +Miss Mills was more than usually pensive when Dora, going to find her, +brought her back;--I apprehend, because there was a tendency in what had +passed to awaken the slumbering echoes in the caverns of Memory. But she +gave us her blessing, and the assurance of her lasting friendship, and +spoke to us, generally, as became a Voice from the Cloister. + +What an idle time it was! What an insubstantial, happy, foolish time it +was! + +When I measured Dora's finger for a ring that was to be made of +Forget-me-nots, and when the jeweller, to whom I took the measure, found +me out, and laughed over his order-book, and charged me anything he +liked for the pretty little toy, with its blue stones--so associated +in my remembrance with Dora's hand, that yesterday, when I saw such +another, by chance, on the finger of my own daughter, there was a +momentary stirring in my heart, like pain! + +When I walked about, exalted with my secret, and full of my own +interest, and felt the dignity of loving Dora, and of being beloved, so +much, that if I had walked the air, I could not have been more above the +people not so situated, who were creeping on the earth! + +When we had those meetings in the garden of the square, and sat within +the dingy summer-house, so happy, that I love the London sparrows to +this hour, for nothing else, and see the plumage of the tropics in their +smoky feathers! When we had our first great quarrel (within a week +of our betrothal), and when Dora sent me back the ring, enclosed in a +despairing cocked-hat note, wherein she used the terrible expression +that 'our love had begun in folly, and ended in madness!' which dreadful +words occasioned me to tear my hair, and cry that all was over! + +When, under cover of the night, I flew to Miss Mills, whom I saw by +stealth in a back kitchen where there was a mangle, and implored Miss +Mills to interpose between us and avert insanity. When Miss Mills +undertook the office and returned with Dora, exhorting us, from the +pulpit of her own bitter youth, to mutual concession, and the avoidance +of the Desert of Sahara! + +When we cried, and made it up, and were so blest again, that the back +kitchen, mangle and all, changed to Love's own temple, where we arranged +a plan of correspondence through Miss Mills, always to comprehend at +least one letter on each side every day! + +What an idle time! What an insubstantial, happy, foolish time! Of all +the times of mine that Time has in his grip, there is none that in one +retrospect I can smile at half so much, and think of half so tenderly. + + + +CHAPTER 34. MY AUNT ASTONISHES ME + + +I wrote to Agnes as soon as Dora and I were engaged. I wrote her a long +letter, in which I tried to make her comprehend how blest I was, and +what a darling Dora was. I entreated Agnes not to regard this as a +thoughtless passion which could ever yield to any other, or had the +least resemblance to the boyish fancies that we used to joke about. I +assured her that its profundity was quite unfathomable, and expressed my +belief that nothing like it had ever been known. + +Somehow, as I wrote to Agnes on a fine evening by my open window, and +the remembrance of her clear calm eyes and gentle face came stealing +over me, it shed such a peaceful influence upon the hurry and agitation +in which I had been living lately, and of which my very happiness +partook in some degree, that it soothed me into tears. I remember that +I sat resting my head upon my hand, when the letter was half done, +cherishing a general fancy as if Agnes were one of the elements of my +natural home. As if, in the retirement of the house made almost sacred +to me by her presence, Dora and I must be happier than anywhere. As if, +in love, joy, sorrow, hope, or disappointment; in all emotions; my heart +turned naturally there, and found its refuge and best friend. + +Of Steerforth I said nothing. I only told her there had been sad grief +at Yarmouth, on account of Emily's flight; and that on me it made a +double wound, by reason of the circumstances attending it. I knew how +quick she always was to divine the truth, and that she would never be +the first to breathe his name. + +To this letter, I received an answer by return of post. As I read it, I +seemed to hear Agnes speaking to me. It was like her cordial voice in my +ears. What can I say more! + +While I had been away from home lately, Traddles had called twice or +thrice. Finding Peggotty within, and being informed by Peggotty (who +always volunteered that information to whomsoever would receive +it), that she was my old nurse, he had established a good-humoured +acquaintance with her, and had stayed to have a little chat with her +about me. So Peggotty said; but I am afraid the chat was all on her +own side, and of immoderate length, as she was very difficult indeed to +stop, God bless her! when she had me for her theme. + +This reminds me, not only that I expected Traddles on a certain +afternoon of his own appointing, which was now come, but that Mrs. Crupp +had resigned everything appertaining to her office (the salary excepted) +until Peggotty should cease to present herself. Mrs. Crupp, after +holding divers conversations respecting Peggotty, in a very high-pitched +voice, on the staircase--with some invisible Familiar it would appear, +for corporeally speaking she was quite alone at those times--addressed a +letter to me, developing her views. Beginning it with that statement +of universal application, which fitted every occurrence of her life, +namely, that she was a mother herself, she went on to inform me that +she had once seen very different days, but that at all periods of her +existence she had had a constitutional objection to spies, intruders, +and informers. She named no names, she said; let them the cap fitted, +wear it; but spies, intruders, and informers, especially in widders' +weeds (this clause was underlined), she had ever accustomed herself to +look down upon. If a gentleman was the victim of spies, intruders, and +informers (but still naming no names), that was his own pleasure. He +had a right to please himself; so let him do. All that she, Mrs. Crupp, +stipulated for, was, that she should not be 'brought in contract' +with such persons. Therefore she begged to be excused from any further +attendance on the top set, until things were as they formerly was, and +as they could be wished to be; and further mentioned that her little +book would be found upon the breakfast-table every Saturday morning, +when she requested an immediate settlement of the same, with the +benevolent view of saving trouble 'and an ill-conwenience' to all +parties. + +After this, Mrs. Crupp confined herself to making pitfalls on the +stairs, principally with pitchers, and endeavouring to delude Peggotty +into breaking her legs. I found it rather harassing to live in this +state of siege, but was too much afraid of Mrs. Crupp to see any way out +of it. + +'My dear Copperfield,' cried Traddles, punctually appearing at my door, +in spite of all these obstacles, 'how do you do?' + +'My dear Traddles,' said I, 'I am delighted to see you at last, and very +sorry I have not been at home before. But I have been so much engaged--' + +'Yes, yes, I know,' said Traddles, 'of course. Yours lives in London, I +think.' + +'What did you say?' + +'She--excuse me--Miss D., you know,' said Traddles, colouring in his +great delicacy, 'lives in London, I believe?' + +'Oh yes. Near London.' + +'Mine, perhaps you recollect,' said Traddles, with a serious look, +'lives down in Devonshire--one of ten. Consequently, I am not so much +engaged as you--in that sense.' + +'I wonder you can bear,' I returned, 'to see her so seldom.' + +'Hah!' said Traddles, thoughtfully. 'It does seem a wonder. I suppose it +is, Copperfield, because there is no help for it?' + +'I suppose so,' I replied with a smile, and not without a blush. 'And +because you have so much constancy and patience, Traddles.' + +'Dear me!' said Traddles, considering about it, 'do I strike you in that +way, Copperfield? Really I didn't know that I had. But she is such +an extraordinarily dear girl herself, that it's possible she may +have imparted something of those virtues to me. Now you mention it, +Copperfield, I shouldn't wonder at all. I assure you she is always +forgetting herself, and taking care of the other nine.' + +'Is she the eldest?' I inquired. + +'Oh dear, no,' said Traddles. 'The eldest is a Beauty.' + +He saw, I suppose, that I could not help smiling at the simplicity of +this reply; and added, with a smile upon his own ingenuous face: + +'Not, of course, but that my Sophy--pretty name, Copperfield, I always +think?' + +'Very pretty!' said I. + +'Not, of course, but that Sophy is beautiful too in my eyes, and would +be one of the dearest girls that ever was, in anybody's eyes (I should +think). But when I say the eldest is a Beauty, I mean she really is +a--' he seemed to be describing clouds about himself, with both hands: +'Splendid, you know,' said Traddles, energetically. 'Indeed!' said I. + +'Oh, I assure you,' said Traddles, 'something very uncommon, indeed! +Then, you know, being formed for society and admiration, and not being +able to enjoy much of it in consequence of their limited means, she +naturally gets a little irritable and exacting, sometimes. Sophy puts +her in good humour!' + +'Is Sophy the youngest?' I hazarded. + +'Oh dear, no!' said Traddles, stroking his chin. 'The two youngest are +only nine and ten. Sophy educates 'em.' + +'The second daughter, perhaps?' I hazarded. + +'No,' said Traddles. 'Sarah's the second. Sarah has something the matter +with her spine, poor girl. The malady will wear out by and by, the +doctors say, but in the meantime she has to lie down for a twelvemonth. +Sophy nurses her. Sophy's the fourth.' + +'Is the mother living?' I inquired. + +'Oh yes,' said Traddles, 'she is alive. She is a very superior woman +indeed, but the damp country is not adapted to her constitution, and--in +fact, she has lost the use of her limbs.' + +'Dear me!' said I. + +'Very sad, is it not?' returned Traddles. 'But in a merely domestic view +it is not so bad as it might be, because Sophy takes her place. She is +quite as much a mother to her mother, as she is to the other nine.' + +I felt the greatest admiration for the virtues of this young lady; and, +honestly with the view of doing my best to prevent the good-nature +of Traddles from being imposed upon, to the detriment of their joint +prospects in life, inquired how Mr. Micawber was? + +'He is quite well, Copperfield, thank you,' said Traddles. 'I am not +living with him at present.' + +'No?' + +'No. You see the truth is,' said Traddles, in a whisper, 'he had changed +his name to Mortimer, in consequence of his temporary embarrassments; +and he don't come out till after dark--and then in spectacles. There was +an execution put into our house, for rent. Mrs. Micawber was in such +a dreadful state that I really couldn't resist giving my name to that +second bill we spoke of here. You may imagine how delightful it was to +my feelings, Copperfield, to see the matter settled with it, and Mrs. +Micawber recover her spirits.' + +'Hum!' said I. 'Not that her happiness was of long duration,' pursued +Traddles, 'for, unfortunately, within a week another execution came +in. It broke up the establishment. I have been living in a furnished +apartment since then, and the Mortimers have been very private indeed. +I hope you won't think it selfish, Copperfield, if I mention that +the broker carried off my little round table with the marble top, and +Sophy's flower-pot and stand?' + +'What a hard thing!' I exclaimed indignantly. + +'It was a--it was a pull,' said Traddles, with his usual wince at that +expression. 'I don't mention it reproachfully, however, but with a +motive. The fact is, Copperfield, I was unable to repurchase them at the +time of their seizure; in the first place, because the broker, having an +idea that I wanted them, ran the price up to an extravagant extent; and, +in the second place, because I--hadn't any money. Now, I have kept +my eye since, upon the broker's shop,' said Traddles, with a great +enjoyment of his mystery, 'which is up at the top of Tottenham Court +Road, and, at last, today I find them put out for sale. I have only +noticed them from over the way, because if the broker saw me, bless you, +he'd ask any price for them! What has occurred to me, having now the +money, is, that perhaps you wouldn't object to ask that good nurse of +yours to come with me to the shop--I can show it her from round the +corner of the next street--and make the best bargain for them, as if +they were for herself, that she can!' + +The delight with which Traddles propounded this plan to me, and the +sense he had of its uncommon artfulness, are among the freshest things +in my remembrance. + +I told him that my old nurse would be delighted to assist him, and that +we would all three take the field together, but on one condition. That +condition was, that he should make a solemn resolution to grant no more +loans of his name, or anything else, to Mr. Micawber. + +'My dear Copperfield,' said Traddles, 'I have already done so, because +I begin to feel that I have not only been inconsiderate, but that I have +been positively unjust to Sophy. My word being passed to myself, there +is no longer any apprehension; but I pledge it to you, too, with the +greatest readiness. That first unlucky obligation, I have paid. I have +no doubt Mr. Micawber would have paid it if he could, but he could not. +One thing I ought to mention, which I like very much in Mr. Micawber, +Copperfield. It refers to the second obligation, which is not yet due. +He don't tell me that it is provided for, but he says it WILL BE. Now, I +think there is something very fair and honest about that!' + +I was unwilling to damp my good friend's confidence, and therefore +assented. After a little further conversation, we went round to the +chandler's shop, to enlist Peggotty; Traddles declining to pass the +evening with me, both because he endured the liveliest apprehensions +that his property would be bought by somebody else before he could +re-purchase it, and because it was the evening he always devoted to +writing to the dearest girl in the world. + +I never shall forget him peeping round the corner of the street in +Tottenham Court Road, while Peggotty was bargaining for the precious +articles; or his agitation when she came slowly towards us after vainly +offering a price, and was hailed by the relenting broker, and went back +again. The end of the negotiation was, that she bought the property on +tolerably easy terms, and Traddles was transported with pleasure. + +'I am very much obliged to you, indeed,' said Traddles, on hearing it +was to be sent to where he lived, that night. 'If I might ask one other +favour, I hope you would not think it absurd, Copperfield?' + +I said beforehand, certainly not. + +'Then if you WOULD be good enough,' said Traddles to Peggotty, 'to +get the flower-pot now, I think I should like (it being Sophy's, +Copperfield) to carry it home myself!' + +Peggotty was glad to get it for him, and he overwhelmed her with thanks, +and went his way up Tottenham Court Road, carrying the flower-pot +affectionately in his arms, with one of the most delighted expressions +of countenance I ever saw. + +We then turned back towards my chambers. As the shops had charms for +Peggotty which I never knew them possess in the same degree for anybody +else, I sauntered easily along, amused by her staring in at the windows, +and waiting for her as often as she chose. We were thus a good while in +getting to the Adelphi. + +On our way upstairs, I called her attention to the sudden disappearance +of Mrs. Crupp's pitfalls, and also to the prints of recent footsteps. We +were both very much surprised, coming higher up, to find my outer door +standing open (which I had shut) and to hear voices inside. + +We looked at one another, without knowing what to make of this, and went +into the sitting-room. What was my amazement to find, of all people upon +earth, my aunt there, and Mr. Dick! My aunt sitting on a quantity of +luggage, with her two birds before her, and her cat on her knee, like a +female Robinson Crusoe, drinking tea. Mr. Dick leaning thoughtfully on +a great kite, such as we had often been out together to fly, with more +luggage piled about him! + +'My dear aunt!' cried I. 'Why, what an unexpected pleasure!' + +We cordially embraced; and Mr. Dick and I cordially shook hands; and +Mrs. Crupp, who was busy making tea, and could not be too attentive, +cordially said she had knowed well as Mr. Copperfull would have his +heart in his mouth, when he see his dear relations. + +'Holloa!' said my aunt to Peggotty, who quailed before her awful +presence. 'How are YOU?' + +'You remember my aunt, Peggotty?' said I. + +'For the love of goodness, child,' exclaimed my aunt, 'don't call the +woman by that South Sea Island name! If she married and got rid of +it, which was the best thing she could do, why don't you give her the +benefit of the change? What's your name now,--P?' said my aunt, as a +compromise for the obnoxious appellation. + +'Barkis, ma'am,' said Peggotty, with a curtsey. + +'Well! That's human,' said my aunt. 'It sounds less as if you wanted a +missionary. How d'ye do, Barkis? I hope you're well?' + +Encouraged by these gracious words, and by my aunt's extending her +hand, Barkis came forward, and took the hand, and curtseyed her +acknowledgements. + +'We are older than we were, I see,' said my aunt. 'We have only met each +other once before, you know. A nice business we made of it then! Trot, +my dear, another cup.' + +I handed it dutifully to my aunt, who was in her usual inflexible state +of figure; and ventured a remonstrance with her on the subject of her +sitting on a box. + +'Let me draw the sofa here, or the easy-chair, aunt,' said I. 'Why +should you be so uncomfortable?' + +'Thank you, Trot,' replied my aunt, 'I prefer to sit upon my property.' +Here my aunt looked hard at Mrs. Crupp, and observed, 'We needn't +trouble you to wait, ma'am.' + +'Shall I put a little more tea in the pot afore I go, ma'am?' said Mrs. +Crupp. + +'No, I thank you, ma'am,' replied my aunt. + +'Would you let me fetch another pat of butter, ma'am?' said Mrs. Crupp. +'Or would you be persuaded to try a new-laid hegg? or should I brile +a rasher? Ain't there nothing I could do for your dear aunt, Mr. +Copperfull?' + +'Nothing, ma'am,' returned my aunt. 'I shall do very well, I thank you.' + +Mrs. Crupp, who had been incessantly smiling to express sweet temper, +and incessantly holding her head on one side, to express a general +feebleness of constitution, and incessantly rubbing her hands, to +express a desire to be of service to all deserving objects, gradually +smiled herself, one-sided herself, and rubbed herself, out of the room. +'Dick!' said my aunt. 'You know what I told you about time-servers and +wealth-worshippers?' + +Mr. Dick--with rather a scared look, as if he had forgotten it--returned +a hasty answer in the affirmative. + +'Mrs. Crupp is one of them,' said my aunt. 'Barkis, I'll trouble you to +look after the tea, and let me have another cup, for I don't fancy that +woman's pouring-out!' + +I knew my aunt sufficiently well to know that she had something of +importance on her mind, and that there was far more matter in this +arrival than a stranger might have supposed. I noticed how her eye +lighted on me, when she thought my attention otherwise occupied; and +what a curious process of hesitation appeared to be going on within +her, while she preserved her outward stiffness and composure. I began +to reflect whether I had done anything to offend her; and my conscience +whispered me that I had not yet told her about Dora. Could it by any +means be that, I wondered! + +As I knew she would only speak in her own good time, I sat down near +her, and spoke to the birds, and played with the cat, and was as easy +as I could be. But I was very far from being really easy; and I should +still have been so, even if Mr. Dick, leaning over the great kite behind +my aunt, had not taken every secret opportunity of shaking his head +darkly at me, and pointing at her. + +'Trot,' said my aunt at last, when she had finished her tea, and +carefully smoothed down her dress, and wiped her lips--'you needn't go, +Barkis!--Trot, have you got to be firm and self-reliant?' + +'I hope so, aunt.' + +'What do you think?' inquired Miss Betsey. + +'I think so, aunt.' + +'Then why, my love,' said my aunt, looking earnestly at me, 'why do you +think I prefer to sit upon this property of mine tonight?' + +I shook my head, unable to guess. + +'Because,' said my aunt, 'it's all I have. Because I'm ruined, my dear!' + +If the house, and every one of us, had tumbled out into the river +together, I could hardly have received a greater shock. + +'Dick knows it,' said my aunt, laying her hand calmly on my shoulder. 'I +am ruined, my dear Trot! All I have in the world is in this room, except +the cottage; and that I have left Janet to let. Barkis, I want to get a +bed for this gentleman tonight. To save expense, perhaps you can make +up something here for myself. Anything will do. It's only for tonight. +We'll talk about this, more, tomorrow.' + +I was roused from my amazement, and concern for her--I am sure, for +her--by her falling on my neck, for a moment, and crying that she only +grieved for me. In another moment she suppressed this emotion; and said +with an aspect more triumphant than dejected: + +'We must meet reverses boldly, and not suffer them to frighten us, my +dear. We must learn to act the play out. We must live misfortune down, +Trot!' + + + +CHAPTER 35. DEPRESSION + + +As soon as I could recover my presence of mind, which quite deserted me +in the first overpowering shock of my aunt's intelligence, I proposed +to Mr. Dick to come round to the chandler's shop, and take possession of +the bed which Mr. Peggotty had lately vacated. The chandler's shop being +in Hungerford Market, and Hungerford Market being a very different place +in those days, there was a low wooden colonnade before the door (not +very unlike that before the house where the little man and woman used +to live, in the old weather-glass), which pleased Mr. Dick mightily. The +glory of lodging over this structure would have compensated him, I dare +say, for many inconveniences; but, as there were really few to bear, +beyond the compound of flavours I have already mentioned, and perhaps +the want of a little more elbow-room, he was perfectly charmed with his +accommodation. Mrs. Crupp had indignantly assured him that there wasn't +room to swing a cat there; but, as Mr. Dick justly observed to me, +sitting down on the foot of the bed, nursing his leg, 'You know, +Trotwood, I don't want to swing a cat. I never do swing a cat. +Therefore, what does that signify to ME!' + +I tried to ascertain whether Mr. Dick had any understanding of the +causes of this sudden and great change in my aunt's affairs. As I might +have expected, he had none at all. The only account he could give of it +was, that my aunt had said to him, the day before yesterday, 'Now, Dick, +are you really and truly the philosopher I take you for?' That then +he had said, Yes, he hoped so. That then my aunt had said, 'Dick, I +am ruined.' That then he had said, 'Oh, indeed!' That then my aunt had +praised him highly, which he was glad of. And that then they had come to +me, and had had bottled porter and sandwiches on the road. + +Mr. Dick was so very complacent, sitting on the foot of the bed, nursing +his leg, and telling me this, with his eyes wide open and a surprised +smile, that I am sorry to say I was provoked into explaining to him +that ruin meant distress, want, and starvation; but I was soon bitterly +reproved for this harshness, by seeing his face turn pale, and tears +course down his lengthened cheeks, while he fixed upon me a look of such +unutterable woe, that it might have softened a far harder heart than +mine. I took infinitely greater pains to cheer him up again than I had +taken to depress him; and I soon understood (as I ought to have known at +first) that he had been so confident, merely because of his faith in +the wisest and most wonderful of women, and his unbounded reliance on my +intellectual resources. The latter, I believe, he considered a match for +any kind of disaster not absolutely mortal. + +'What can we do, Trotwood?' said Mr. Dick. 'There's the Memorial-' + +'To be sure there is,' said I. 'But all we can do just now, Mr. Dick, +is to keep a cheerful countenance, and not let my aunt see that we are +thinking about it.' + +He assented to this in the most earnest manner; and implored me, if I +should see him wandering an inch out of the right course, to recall him +by some of those superior methods which were always at my command. But I +regret to state that the fright I had given him proved too much for his +best attempts at concealment. All the evening his eyes wandered to my +aunt's face, with an expression of the most dismal apprehension, as if +he saw her growing thin on the spot. He was conscious of this, and put +a constraint upon his head; but his keeping that immovable, and sitting +rolling his eyes like a piece of machinery, did not mend the matter at +all. I saw him look at the loaf at supper (which happened to be a small +one), as if nothing else stood between us and famine; and when my aunt +insisted on his making his customary repast, I detected him in the act +of pocketing fragments of his bread and cheese; I have no doubt for the +purpose of reviving us with those savings, when we should have reached +an advanced stage of attenuation. + +My aunt, on the other hand, was in a composed frame of mind, which was +a lesson to all of us--to me, I am sure. She was extremely gracious +to Peggotty, except when I inadvertently called her by that name; and, +strange as I knew she felt in London, appeared quite at home. She was +to have my bed, and I was to lie in the sitting-room, to keep guard over +her. She made a great point of being so near the river, in case of a +conflagration; and I suppose really did find some satisfaction in that +circumstance. + +'Trot, my dear,' said my aunt, when she saw me making preparations for +compounding her usual night-draught, 'No!' + +'Nothing, aunt?' + +'Not wine, my dear. Ale.' + +'But there is wine here, aunt. And you always have it made of wine.' + +'Keep that, in case of sickness,' said my aunt. 'We mustn't use it +carelessly, Trot. Ale for me. Half a pint.' + +I thought Mr. Dick would have fallen, insensible. My aunt being +resolute, I went out and got the ale myself. As it was growing late, +Peggotty and Mr. Dick took that opportunity of repairing to the +chandler's shop together. I parted from him, poor fellow, at the corner +of the street, with his great kite at his back, a very monument of human +misery. + +My aunt was walking up and down the room when I returned, crimping the +borders of her nightcap with her fingers. I warmed the ale and made the +toast on the usual infallible principles. When it was ready for her, she +was ready for it, with her nightcap on, and the skirt of her gown turned +back on her knees. + +'My dear,' said my aunt, after taking a spoonful of it; 'it's a great +deal better than wine. Not half so bilious.' + +I suppose I looked doubtful, for she added: + +'Tut, tut, child. If nothing worse than Ale happens to us, we are well +off.' + +'I should think so myself, aunt, I am sure,' said I. + +'Well, then, why DON'T you think so?' said my aunt. + +'Because you and I are very different people,' I returned. + +'Stuff and nonsense, Trot!' replied my aunt. + +My aunt went on with a quiet enjoyment, in which there was very little +affectation, if any; drinking the warm ale with a tea-spoon, and soaking +her strips of toast in it. + +'Trot,' said she, 'I don't care for strange faces in general, but I +rather like that Barkis of yours, do you know!' + +'It's better than a hundred pounds to hear you say so!' said I. + +'It's a most extraordinary world,' observed my aunt, rubbing her nose; +'how that woman ever got into it with that name, is unaccountable to me. +It would be much more easy to be born a Jackson, or something of that +sort, one would think.' + +'Perhaps she thinks so, too; it's not her fault,' said I. + +'I suppose not,' returned my aunt, rather grudging the admission; 'but +it's very aggravating. However, she's Barkis now. That's some comfort. +Barkis is uncommonly fond of you, Trot.' + +'There is nothing she would leave undone to prove it,' said I. + +'Nothing, I believe,' returned my aunt. 'Here, the poor fool has been +begging and praying about handing over some of her money--because she +has got too much of it. A simpleton!' + +My aunt's tears of pleasure were positively trickling down into the warm +ale. + +'She's the most ridiculous creature that ever was born,' said my aunt. +'I knew, from the first moment when I saw her with that poor dear +blessed baby of a mother of yours, that she was the most ridiculous of +mortals. But there are good points in Barkis!' + +Affecting to laugh, she got an opportunity of putting her hand to +her eyes. Having availed herself of it, she resumed her toast and her +discourse together. + +'Ah! Mercy upon us!' sighed my aunt. 'I know all about it, Trot! Barkis +and myself had quite a gossip while you were out with Dick. I know all +about it. I don't know where these wretched girls expect to go to, for +my part. I wonder they don't knock out their brains against--against +mantelpieces,' said my aunt; an idea which was probably suggested to her +by her contemplation of mine. + +'Poor Emily!' said I. + +'Oh, don't talk to me about poor,' returned my aunt. 'She should have +thought of that, before she caused so much misery! Give me a kiss, Trot. +I am sorry for your early experience.' + +As I bent forward, she put her tumbler on my knee to detain me, and +said: + +'Oh, Trot, Trot! And so you fancy yourself in love! Do you?' + +'Fancy, aunt!' I exclaimed, as red as I could be. 'I adore her with my +whole soul!' + +'Dora, indeed!' returned my aunt. 'And you mean to say the little thing +is very fascinating, I suppose?' + +'My dear aunt,' I replied, 'no one can form the least idea what she is!' + +'Ah! And not silly?' said my aunt. + +'Silly, aunt!' + +I seriously believe it had never once entered my head for a single +moment, to consider whether she was or not. I resented the idea, of +course; but I was in a manner struck by it, as a new one altogether. + +'Not light-headed?' said my aunt. + +'Light-headed, aunt!' I could only repeat this daring speculation +with the same kind of feeling with which I had repeated the preceding +question. + +'Well, well!' said my aunt. 'I only ask. I don't depreciate her. Poor +little couple! And so you think you were formed for one another, and are +to go through a party-supper-table kind of life, like two pretty pieces +of confectionery, do you, Trot?' + +She asked me this so kindly, and with such a gentle air, half playful +and half sorrowful, that I was quite touched. + +'We are young and inexperienced, aunt, I know,' I replied; 'and I dare +say we say and think a good deal that is rather foolish. But we love +one another truly, I am sure. If I thought Dora could ever love anybody +else, or cease to love me; or that I could ever love anybody else, or +cease to love her; I don't know what I should do--go out of my mind, I +think!' + +'Ah, Trot!' said my aunt, shaking her head, and smiling gravely; 'blind, +blind, blind!' + +'Someone that I know, Trot,' my aunt pursued, after a pause, 'though of +a very pliant disposition, has an earnestness of affection in him that +reminds me of poor Baby. Earnestness is what that Somebody must look +for, to sustain him and improve him, Trot. Deep, downright, faithful +earnestness.' + +'If you only knew the earnestness of Dora, aunt!' I cried. + +'Oh, Trot!' she said again; 'blind, blind!' and without knowing why, +I felt a vague unhappy loss or want of something overshadow me like a +cloud. + +'However,' said my aunt, 'I don't want to put two young creatures out +of conceit with themselves, or to make them unhappy; so, though it is a +girl and boy attachment, and girl and boy attachments very often--mind! +I don't say always!--come to nothing, still we'll be serious about it, +and hope for a prosperous issue one of these days. There's time enough +for it to come to anything!' + +This was not upon the whole very comforting to a rapturous lover; but +I was glad to have my aunt in my confidence, and I was mindful of +her being fatigued. So I thanked her ardently for this mark of her +affection, and for all her other kindnesses towards me; and after a +tender good night, she took her nightcap into my bedroom. + +How miserable I was, when I lay down! How I thought and thought about my +being poor, in Mr. Spenlow's eyes; about my not being what I thought I +was, when I proposed to Dora; about the chivalrous necessity of +telling Dora what my worldly condition was, and releasing her from her +engagement if she thought fit; about how I should contrive to live, +during the long term of my articles, when I was earning nothing; about +doing something to assist my aunt, and seeing no way of doing anything; +about coming down to have no money in my pocket, and to wear a shabby +coat, and to be able to carry Dora no little presents, and to ride no +gallant greys, and to show myself in no agreeable light! Sordid and +selfish as I knew it was, and as I tortured myself by knowing that it +was, to let my mind run on my own distress so much, I was so devoted +to Dora that I could not help it. I knew that it was base in me not to +think more of my aunt, and less of myself; but, so far, selfishness +was inseparable from Dora, and I could not put Dora on one side for any +mortal creature. How exceedingly miserable I was, that night! + +As to sleep, I had dreams of poverty in all sorts of shapes, but I +seemed to dream without the previous ceremony of going to sleep. Now I +was ragged, wanting to sell Dora matches, six bundles for a halfpenny; +now I was at the office in a nightgown and boots, remonstrated with by +Mr. Spenlow on appearing before the clients in that airy attire; now +I was hungrily picking up the crumbs that fell from old Tiffey's +daily biscuit, regularly eaten when St. Paul's struck one; now I was +hopelessly endeavouring to get a licence to marry Dora, having nothing +but one of Uriah Heep's gloves to offer in exchange, which the whole +Commons rejected; and still, more or less conscious of my own room, I +was always tossing about like a distressed ship in a sea of bed-clothes. + +My aunt was restless, too, for I frequently heard her walking to and +fro. Two or three times in the course of the night, attired in a long +flannel wrapper in which she looked seven feet high, she appeared, like +a disturbed ghost, in my room, and came to the side of the sofa on which +I lay. On the first occasion I started up in alarm, to learn that she +inferred from a particular light in the sky, that Westminster Abbey +was on fire; and to be consulted in reference to the probability of its +igniting Buckingham Street, in case the wind changed. Lying still, after +that, I found that she sat down near me, whispering to herself 'Poor +boy!' And then it made me twenty times more wretched, to know how +unselfishly mindful she was of me, and how selfishly mindful I was of +myself. + +It was difficult to believe that a night so long to me, could be short +to anybody else. This consideration set me thinking and thinking of an +imaginary party where people were dancing the hours away, until that +became a dream too, and I heard the music incessantly playing one tune, +and saw Dora incessantly dancing one dance, without taking the least +notice of me. The man who had been playing the harp all night, was +trying in vain to cover it with an ordinary-sized nightcap, when I +awoke; or I should rather say, when I left off trying to go to sleep, +and saw the sun shining in through the window at last. + +There was an old Roman bath in those days at the bottom of one of the +streets out of the Strand--it may be there still--in which I have had +many a cold plunge. Dressing myself as quietly as I could, and leaving +Peggotty to look after my aunt, I tumbled head foremost into it, +and then went for a walk to Hampstead. I had a hope that this brisk +treatment might freshen my wits a little; and I think it did them good, +for I soon came to the conclusion that the first step I ought to take +was, to try if my articles could be cancelled and the premium recovered. +I got some breakfast on the Heath, and walked back to Doctors' Commons, +along the watered roads and through a pleasant smell of summer flowers, +growing in gardens and carried into town on hucksters' heads, intent on +this first effort to meet our altered circumstances. + +I arrived at the office so soon, after all, that I had half an hour's +loitering about the Commons, before old Tiffey, who was always first, +appeared with his key. Then I sat down in my shady corner, looking up +at the sunlight on the opposite chimney-pots, and thinking about Dora; +until Mr. Spenlow came in, crisp and curly. + +'How are you, Copperfield?' said he. 'Fine morning!' + +'Beautiful morning, sir,' said I. 'Could I say a word to you before you +go into Court?' + +'By all means,' said he. 'Come into my room.' + +I followed him into his room, and he began putting on his gown, and +touching himself up before a little glass he had, hanging inside a +closet door. + +'I am sorry to say,' said I, 'that I have some rather disheartening +intelligence from my aunt.' + +'No!' said he. 'Dear me! Not paralysis, I hope?' + +'It has no reference to her health, sir,' I replied. 'She has met with +some large losses. In fact, she has very little left, indeed.' + +'You as-tound me, Copperfield!' cried Mr. Spenlow. + +I shook my head. 'Indeed, sir,' said I, 'her affairs are so changed, +that I wished to ask you whether it would be possible--at a sacrifice on +our part of some portion of the premium, of course,' I put in this, on +the spur of the moment, warned by the blank expression of his face--'to +cancel my articles?' + +What it cost me to make this proposal, nobody knows. It was like asking, +as a favour, to be sentenced to transportation from Dora. + +'To cancel your articles, Copperfield? Cancel?' + +I explained with tolerable firmness, that I really did not know where +my means of subsistence were to come from, unless I could earn them for +myself. I had no fear for the future, I said--and I laid great emphasis +on that, as if to imply that I should still be decidedly eligible for a +son-in-law one of these days--but, for the present, I was thrown upon +my own resources. 'I am extremely sorry to hear this, Copperfield,' said +Mr. Spenlow. 'Extremely sorry. It is not usual to cancel articles for +any such reason. It is not a professional course of proceeding. It is +not a convenient precedent at all. Far from it. At the same time--' + +'You are very good, sir,' I murmured, anticipating a concession. + +'Not at all. Don't mention it,' said Mr. Spenlow. 'At the same time, I +was going to say, if it had been my lot to have my hands unfettered--if +I had not a partner--Mr. Jorkins--' + +My hopes were dashed in a moment, but I made another effort. + +'Do you think, sir,' said I, 'if I were to mention it to Mr. Jorkins--' + +Mr. Spenlow shook his head discouragingly. 'Heaven forbid, Copperfield,' +he replied, 'that I should do any man an injustice: still less, Mr. +Jorkins. But I know my partner, Copperfield. Mr. Jorkins is not a man +to respond to a proposition of this peculiar nature. Mr. Jorkins is very +difficult to move from the beaten track. You know what he is!' + +I am sure I knew nothing about him, except that he had originally been +alone in the business, and now lived by himself in a house near Montagu +Square, which was fearfully in want of painting; that he came very +late of a day, and went away very early; that he never appeared to be +consulted about anything; and that he had a dingy little black-hole of +his own upstairs, where no business was ever done, and where there was +a yellow old cartridge-paper pad upon his desk, unsoiled by ink, and +reported to be twenty years of age. + +'Would you object to my mentioning it to him, sir?' I asked. + +'By no means,' said Mr. Spenlow. 'But I have some experience of Mr. +Jorkins, Copperfield. I wish it were otherwise, for I should be happy +to meet your views in any respect. I cannot have the objection to your +mentioning it to Mr. Jorkins, Copperfield, if you think it worth while.' + +Availing myself of this permission, which was given with a warm shake +of the hand, I sat thinking about Dora, and looking at the sunlight +stealing from the chimney-pots down the wall of the opposite house, +until Mr. Jorkins came. I then went up to Mr. Jorkins's room, and +evidently astonished Mr. Jorkins very much by making my appearance +there. + +'Come in, Mr. Copperfield,' said Mr. Jorkins. 'Come in!' + +I went in, and sat down; and stated my case to Mr. Jorkins pretty much +as I had stated it to Mr. Spenlow. Mr. Jorkins was not by any means the +awful creature one might have expected, but a large, mild, smooth-faced +man of sixty, who took so much snuff that there was a tradition in the +Commons that he lived principally on that stimulant, having little room +in his system for any other article of diet. + +'You have mentioned this to Mr. Spenlow, I suppose?' said Mr. Jorkins; +when he had heard me, very restlessly, to an end. + +I answered Yes, and told him that Mr. Spenlow had introduced his name. + +'He said I should object?' asked Mr. Jorkins. + +I was obliged to admit that Mr. Spenlow had considered it probable. + +'I am sorry to say, Mr. Copperfield, I can't advance your object,' said +Mr. Jorkins, nervously. 'The fact is--but I have an appointment at the +Bank, if you'll have the goodness to excuse me.' + +With that he rose in a great hurry, and was going out of the room, when +I made bold to say that I feared, then, there was no way of arranging +the matter? + +'No!' said Mr. Jorkins, stopping at the door to shake his head. 'Oh, no! +I object, you know,' which he said very rapidly, and went out. 'You must +be aware, Mr. Copperfield,' he added, looking restlessly in at the door +again, 'if Mr. Spenlow objects--' + +'Personally, he does not object, sir,' said I. + +'Oh! Personally!' repeated Mr. Jorkins, in an impatient manner. 'I +assure you there's an objection, Mr. Copperfield. Hopeless! What you +wish to be done, can't be done. I--I really have got an appointment +at the Bank.' With that he fairly ran away; and to the best of my +knowledge, it was three days before he showed himself in the Commons +again. + +Being very anxious to leave no stone unturned, I waited until Mr. +Spenlow came in, and then described what had passed; giving him to +understand that I was not hopeless of his being able to soften the +adamantine Jorkins, if he would undertake the task. + +'Copperfield,' returned Mr. Spenlow, with a gracious smile, 'you have +not known my partner, Mr. Jorkins, as long as I have. Nothing is +farther from my thoughts than to attribute any degree of artifice to Mr. +Jorkins. But Mr. Jorkins has a way of stating his objections which often +deceives people. No, Copperfield!' shaking his head. 'Mr. Jorkins is not +to be moved, believe me!' + +I was completely bewildered between Mr. Spenlow and Mr. Jorkins, as +to which of them really was the objecting partner; but I saw with +sufficient clearness that there was obduracy somewhere in the firm, and +that the recovery of my aunt's thousand pounds was out of the +question. In a state of despondency, which I remember with anything +but satisfaction, for I know it still had too much reference to myself +(though always in connexion with Dora), I left the office, and went +homeward. + +I was trying to familiarize my mind with the worst, and to present to +myself the arrangements we should have to make for the future in their +sternest aspect, when a hackney-chariot coming after me, and stopping at +my very feet, occasioned me to look up. A fair hand was stretched forth +to me from the window; and the face I had never seen without a feeling +of serenity and happiness, from the moment when it first turned back +on the old oak staircase with the great broad balustrade, and when I +associated its softened beauty with the stained-glass window in the +church, was smiling on me. + +'Agnes!' I joyfully exclaimed. 'Oh, my dear Agnes, of all people in the +world, what a pleasure to see you!' + +'Is it, indeed?' she said, in her cordial voice. + +'I want to talk to you so much!' said I. 'It's such a lightening of my +heart, only to look at you! If I had had a conjuror's cap, there is no +one I should have wished for but you!' + +'What?' returned Agnes. + +'Well! perhaps Dora first,' I admitted, with a blush. + +'Certainly, Dora first, I hope,' said Agnes, laughing. + +'But you next!' said I. 'Where are you going?' + +She was going to my rooms to see my aunt. The day being very fine, she +was glad to come out of the chariot, which smelt (I had my head in it +all this time) like a stable put under a cucumber-frame. I dismissed the +coachman, and she took my arm, and we walked on together. She was like +Hope embodied, to me. How different I felt in one short minute, having +Agnes at my side! + +My aunt had written her one of the odd, abrupt notes--very little longer +than a Bank note--to which her epistolary efforts were usually limited. +She had stated therein that she had fallen into adversity, and was +leaving Dover for good, but had quite made up her mind to it, and was +so well that nobody need be uncomfortable about her. Agnes had come to +London to see my aunt, between whom and herself there had been a mutual +liking these many years: indeed, it dated from the time of my taking up +my residence in Mr. Wickfield's house. She was not alone, she said. Her +papa was with her--and Uriah Heep. + +'And now they are partners,' said I. 'Confound him!' + +'Yes,' said Agnes. 'They have some business here; and I took advantage +of their coming, to come too. You must not think my visit all friendly +and disinterested, Trotwood, for--I am afraid I may be cruelly +prejudiced--I do not like to let papa go away alone, with him.' 'Does he +exercise the same influence over Mr. Wickfield still, Agnes?' + +Agnes shook her head. 'There is such a change at home,' said she, 'that +you would scarcely know the dear old house. They live with us now.' + +'They?' said I. + +'Mr. Heep and his mother. He sleeps in your old room,' said Agnes, +looking up into my face. + +'I wish I had the ordering of his dreams,' said I. 'He wouldn't sleep +there long.' + +'I keep my own little room,' said Agnes, 'where I used to learn my +lessons. How the time goes! You remember? The little panelled room that +opens from the drawing-room?' + +'Remember, Agnes? When I saw you, for the first time, coming out at the +door, with your quaint little basket of keys hanging at your side?' + +'It is just the same,' said Agnes, smiling. 'I am glad you think of it +so pleasantly. We were very happy.' + +'We were, indeed,' said I. + +'I keep that room to myself still; but I cannot always desert Mrs. Heep, +you know. And so,' said Agnes, quietly, 'I feel obliged to bear her +company, when I might prefer to be alone. But I have no other reason to +complain of her. If she tires me, sometimes, by her praises of her son, +it is only natural in a mother. He is a very good son to her.' + +I looked at Agnes when she said these words, without detecting in her +any consciousness of Uriah's design. Her mild but earnest eyes met +mine with their own beautiful frankness, and there was no change in her +gentle face. + +'The chief evil of their presence in the house,' said Agnes, 'is that I +cannot be as near papa as I could wish--Uriah Heep being so much between +us--and cannot watch over him, if that is not too bold a thing to say, +as closely as I would. But if any fraud or treachery is practising +against him, I hope that simple love and truth will be strong in the +end. I hope that real love and truth are stronger in the end than any +evil or misfortune in the world.' + +A certain bright smile, which I never saw on any other face, died away, +even while I thought how good it was, and how familiar it had once been +to me; and she asked me, with a quick change of expression (we were +drawing very near my street), if I knew how the reverse in my aunt's +circumstances had been brought about. On my replying no, she had not +told me yet, Agnes became thoughtful, and I fancied I felt her arm +tremble in mine. + +We found my aunt alone, in a state of some excitement. A difference +of opinion had arisen between herself and Mrs. Crupp, on an abstract +question (the propriety of chambers being inhabited by the gentler sex); +and my aunt, utterly indifferent to spasms on the part of Mrs. Crupp, +had cut the dispute short, by informing that lady that she smelt of +my brandy, and that she would trouble her to walk out. Both of these +expressions Mrs. Crupp considered actionable, and had expressed her +intention of bringing before a 'British Judy'--meaning, it was supposed, +the bulwark of our national liberties. + +My aunt, however, having had time to cool, while Peggotty was out +showing Mr. Dick the soldiers at the Horse Guards--and being, besides, +greatly pleased to see Agnes--rather plumed herself on the affair than +otherwise, and received us with unimpaired good humour. When Agnes laid +her bonnet on the table, and sat down beside her, I could not but think, +looking on her mild eyes and her radiant forehead, how natural it +seemed to have her there; how trustfully, although she was so young and +inexperienced, my aunt confided in her; how strong she was, indeed, in +simple love and truth. + +We began to talk about my aunt's losses, and I told them what I had +tried to do that morning. + +'Which was injudicious, Trot,' said my aunt, 'but well meant. You are +a generous boy--I suppose I must say, young man, now--and I am proud of +you, my dear. So far, so good. Now, Trot and Agnes, let us look the case +of Betsey Trotwood in the face, and see how it stands.' + +I observed Agnes turn pale, as she looked very attentively at my aunt. +My aunt, patting her cat, looked very attentively at Agnes. + +'Betsey Trotwood,' said my aunt, who had always kept her money matters +to herself. '--I don't mean your sister, Trot, my dear, but myself--had +a certain property. It don't matter how much; enough to live on. More; +for she had saved a little, and added to it. Betsey funded her property +for some time, and then, by the advice of her man of business, laid +it out on landed security. That did very well, and returned very good +interest, till Betsey was paid off. I am talking of Betsey as if she +was a man-of-war. Well! Then, Betsey had to look about her, for a new +investment. She thought she was wiser, now, than her man of business, +who was not such a good man of business by this time, as he used to +be--I am alluding to your father, Agnes--and she took it into her head +to lay it out for herself. So she took her pigs,' said my aunt, 'to a +foreign market; and a very bad market it turned out to be. First, she +lost in the mining way, and then she lost in the diving way--fishing up +treasure, or some such Tom Tiddler nonsense,' explained my aunt, rubbing +her nose; 'and then she lost in the mining way again, and, last of all, +to set the thing entirely to rights, she lost in the banking way. I +don't know what the Bank shares were worth for a little while,' said my +aunt; 'cent per cent was the lowest of it, I believe; but the Bank was +at the other end of the world, and tumbled into space, for what I know; +anyhow, it fell to pieces, and never will and never can pay sixpence; +and Betsey's sixpences were all there, and there's an end of them. Least +said, soonest mended!' + +My aunt concluded this philosophical summary, by fixing her eyes with a +kind of triumph on Agnes, whose colour was gradually returning. + +'Dear Miss Trotwood, is that all the history?' said Agnes. + +'I hope it's enough, child,' said my aunt. 'If there had been more +money to lose, it wouldn't have been all, I dare say. Betsey would have +contrived to throw that after the rest, and make another chapter, I have +little doubt. But there was no more money, and there's no more story.' + +Agnes had listened at first with suspended breath. Her colour still came +and went, but she breathed more freely. I thought I knew why. I thought +she had had some fear that her unhappy father might be in some way to +blame for what had happened. My aunt took her hand in hers, and laughed. + +'Is that all?' repeated my aunt. 'Why, yes, that's all, except, "And she +lived happy ever afterwards." Perhaps I may add that of Betsey yet, one +of these days. Now, Agnes, you have a wise head. So have you, Trot, in +some things, though I can't compliment you always'; and here my aunt +shook her own at me, with an energy peculiar to herself. 'What's to be +done? Here's the cottage, taking one time with another, will produce +say seventy pounds a year. I think we may safely put it down at +that. Well!--That's all we've got,' said my aunt; with whom it was an +idiosyncrasy, as it is with some horses, to stop very short when she +appeared to be in a fair way of going on for a long while. + +'Then,' said my aunt, after a rest, 'there's Dick. He's good for a +hundred a-year, but of course that must be expended on himself. I would +sooner send him away, though I know I am the only person who appreciates +him, than have him, and not spend his money on himself. How can Trot and +I do best, upon our means? What do you say, Agnes?' + +'I say, aunt,' I interposed, 'that I must do something!' + +'Go for a soldier, do you mean?' returned my aunt, alarmed; 'or go to +sea? I won't hear of it. You are to be a proctor. We're not going to +have any knockings on the head in THIS family, if you please, sir.' + +I was about to explain that I was not desirous of introducing that mode +of provision into the family, when Agnes inquired if my rooms were held +for any long term? + +'You come to the point, my dear,' said my aunt. 'They are not to be got +rid of, for six months at least, unless they could be underlet, and that +I don't believe. The last man died here. Five people out of six would +die--of course--of that woman in nankeen with the flannel petticoat. I +have a little ready money; and I agree with you, the best thing we can +do, is, to live the term out here, and get a bedroom hard by.' + +I thought it my duty to hint at the discomfort my aunt would sustain, +from living in a continual state of guerilla warfare with Mrs. Crupp; +but she disposed of that objection summarily by declaring that, on the +first demonstration of hostilities, she was prepared to astonish Mrs. +Crupp for the whole remainder of her natural life. + +'I have been thinking, Trotwood,' said Agnes, diffidently, 'that if you +had time--' + +'I have a good deal of time, Agnes. I am always disengaged after four +or five o'clock, and I have time early in the morning. In one way and +another,' said I, conscious of reddening a little as I thought of the +hours and hours I had devoted to fagging about town, and to and fro upon +the Norwood Road, 'I have abundance of time.' + +'I know you would not mind,' said Agnes, coming to me, and speaking in +a low voice, so full of sweet and hopeful consideration that I hear it +now, 'the duties of a secretary.' + +'Mind, my dear Agnes?' + +'Because,' continued Agnes, 'Doctor Strong has acted on his intention of +retiring, and has come to live in London; and he asked papa, I know, +if he could recommend him one. Don't you think he would rather have his +favourite old pupil near him, than anybody else?' + +'Dear Agnes!' said I. 'What should I do without you! You are always my +good angel. I told you so. I never think of you in any other light.' + +Agnes answered with her pleasant laugh, that one good Angel (meaning +Dora) was enough; and went on to remind me that the Doctor had been +used to occupy himself in his study, early in the morning, and in the +evening--and that probably my leisure would suit his requirements very +well. I was scarcely more delighted with the prospect of earning my own +bread, than with the hope of earning it under my old master; in short, +acting on the advice of Agnes, I sat down and wrote a letter to the +Doctor, stating my object, and appointing to call on him next day at +ten in the forenoon. This I addressed to Highgate--for in that place, so +memorable to me, he lived--and went and posted, myself, without losing a +minute. + +Wherever Agnes was, some agreeable token of her noiseless presence +seemed inseparable from the place. When I came back, I found my aunt's +birds hanging, just as they had hung so long in the parlour window of +the cottage; and my easy-chair imitating my aunt's much easier chair in +its position at the open window; and even the round green fan, which my +aunt had brought away with her, screwed on to the window-sill. I knew +who had done all this, by its seeming to have quietly done itself; and I +should have known in a moment who had arranged my neglected books in the +old order of my school days, even if I had supposed Agnes to be miles +away, instead of seeing her busy with them, and smiling at the disorder +into which they had fallen. + +My aunt was quite gracious on the subject of the Thames (it really did +look very well with the sun upon it, though not like the sea before the +cottage), but she could not relent towards the London smoke, which, she +said, 'peppered everything'. A complete revolution, in which Peggotty +bore a prominent part, was being effected in every corner of my rooms, +in regard of this pepper; and I was looking on, thinking how little even +Peggotty seemed to do with a good deal of bustle, and how much Agnes did +without any bustle at all, when a knock came at the door. + +'I think,' said Agnes, turning pale, 'it's papa. He promised me that he +would come.' + +I opened the door, and admitted, not only Mr. Wickfield, but Uriah Heep. +I had not seen Mr. Wickfield for some time. I was prepared for a great +change in him, after what I had heard from Agnes, but his appearance +shocked me. + +It was not that he looked many years older, though still dressed +with the old scrupulous cleanliness; or that there was an unwholesome +ruddiness upon his face; or that his eyes were full and bloodshot; or +that there was a nervous trembling in his hand, the cause of which I +knew, and had for some years seen at work. It was not that he had lost +his good looks, or his old bearing of a gentleman--for that he had +not--but the thing that struck me most, was, that with the evidences of +his native superiority still upon him, he should submit himself to that +crawling impersonation of meanness, Uriah Heep. The reversal of the +two natures, in their relative positions, Uriah's of power and Mr. +Wickfield's of dependence, was a sight more painful to me than I can +express. If I had seen an Ape taking command of a Man, I should hardly +have thought it a more degrading spectacle. + +He appeared to be only too conscious of it himself. When he came in, he +stood still; and with his head bowed, as if he felt it. This was +only for a moment; for Agnes softly said to him, 'Papa! Here is Miss +Trotwood--and Trotwood, whom you have not seen for a long while!' and +then he approached, and constrainedly gave my aunt his hand, and shook +hands more cordially with me. In the moment's pause I speak of, I saw +Uriah's countenance form itself into a most ill-favoured smile. Agnes +saw it too, I think, for she shrank from him. + +What my aunt saw, or did not see, I defy the science of physiognomy +to have made out, without her own consent. I believe there never was +anybody with such an imperturbable countenance when she chose. Her face +might have been a dead-wall on the occasion in question, for any light +it threw upon her thoughts; until she broke silence with her usual +abruptness. + +'Well, Wickfield!' said my aunt; and he looked up at her for the first +time. 'I have been telling your daughter how well I have been disposing +of my money for myself, because I couldn't trust it to you, as you were +growing rusty in business matters. We have been taking counsel together, +and getting on very well, all things considered. Agnes is worth the +whole firm, in my opinion.' + +'If I may umbly make the remark,' said Uriah Heep, with a writhe, 'I +fully agree with Miss Betsey Trotwood, and should be only too appy if +Miss Agnes was a partner.' + +'You're a partner yourself, you know,' returned my aunt, 'and that's +about enough for you, I expect. How do you find yourself, sir?' + +In acknowledgement of this question, addressed to him with extraordinary +curtness, Mr. Heep, uncomfortably clutching the blue bag he carried, +replied that he was pretty well, he thanked my aunt, and hoped she was +the same. + +'And you, Master--I should say, Mister Copperfield,' pursued Uriah. 'I +hope I see you well! I am rejoiced to see you, Mister Copperfield, even +under present circumstances.' I believed that; for he seemed to relish +them very much. 'Present circumstances is not what your friends would +wish for you, Mister Copperfield, but it isn't money makes the man: +it's--I am really unequal with my umble powers to express what it is,' +said Uriah, with a fawning jerk, 'but it isn't money!' + +Here he shook hands with me: not in the common way, but standing at +a good distance from me, and lifting my hand up and down like a pump +handle, that he was a little afraid of. + +'And how do you think we are looking, Master Copperfield,--I should +say, Mister?' fawned Uriah. 'Don't you find Mr. Wickfield blooming, sir? +Years don't tell much in our firm, Master Copperfield, except in raising +up the umble, namely, mother and self--and in developing,' he added, as +an afterthought, 'the beautiful, namely, Miss Agnes.' + +He jerked himself about, after this compliment, in such an intolerable +manner, that my aunt, who had sat looking straight at him, lost all +patience. + +'Deuce take the man!' said my aunt, sternly, 'what's he about? Don't be +galvanic, sir!' + +'I ask your pardon, Miss Trotwood,' returned Uriah; 'I'm aware you're +nervous.' + +'Go along with you, sir!' said my aunt, anything but appeased. 'Don't +presume to say so! I am nothing of the sort. If you're an eel, sir, +conduct yourself like one. If you're a man, control your limbs, sir! +Good God!' said my aunt, with great indignation, 'I am not going to be +serpentined and corkscrewed out of my senses!' + +Mr. Heep was rather abashed, as most people might have been, by this +explosion; which derived great additional force from the indignant +manner in which my aunt afterwards moved in her chair, and shook her +head as if she were making snaps or bounces at him. But he said to me +aside in a meek voice: + +'I am well aware, Master Copperfield, that Miss Trotwood, though an +excellent lady, has a quick temper (indeed I think I had the pleasure +of knowing her, when I was a numble clerk, before you did, Master +Copperfield), and it's only natural, I am sure, that it should be made +quicker by present circumstances. The wonder is, that it isn't much +worse! I only called to say that if there was anything we could do, in +present circumstances, mother or self, or Wickfield and Heep,--we should +be really glad. I may go so far?' said Uriah, with a sickly smile at his +partner. + +'Uriah Heep,' said Mr. Wickfield, in a monotonous forced way, 'is active +in the business, Trotwood. What he says, I quite concur in. You know +I had an old interest in you. Apart from that, what Uriah says I quite +concur in!' + +'Oh, what a reward it is,' said Uriah, drawing up one leg, at the risk +of bringing down upon himself another visitation from my aunt, 'to be so +trusted in! But I hope I am able to do something to relieve him from the +fatigues of business, Master Copperfield!' + +'Uriah Heep is a great relief to me,' said Mr. Wickfield, in the same +dull voice. 'It's a load off my mind, Trotwood, to have such a partner.' + +The red fox made him say all this, I knew, to exhibit him to me in the +light he had indicated on the night when he poisoned my rest. I saw the +same ill-favoured smile upon his face again, and saw how he watched me. + +'You are not going, papa?' said Agnes, anxiously. 'Will you not walk +back with Trotwood and me?' + +He would have looked to Uriah, I believe, before replying, if that +worthy had not anticipated him. + +'I am bespoke myself,' said Uriah, 'on business; otherwise I should +have been appy to have kept with my friends. But I leave my partner to +represent the firm. Miss Agnes, ever yours! I wish you good-day, Master +Copperfield, and leave my umble respects for Miss Betsey Trotwood.' + +With those words, he retired, kissing his great hand, and leering at us +like a mask. + +We sat there, talking about our pleasant old Canterbury days, an hour +or two. Mr. Wickfield, left to Agnes, soon became more like his former +self; though there was a settled depression upon him, which he never +shook off. For all that, he brightened; and had an evident pleasure in +hearing us recall the little incidents of our old life, many of which he +remembered very well. He said it was like those times, to be alone with +Agnes and me again; and he wished to Heaven they had never changed. I am +sure there was an influence in the placid face of Agnes, and in the very +touch of her hand upon his arm, that did wonders for him. + +My aunt (who was busy nearly all this while with Peggotty, in the inner +room) would not accompany us to the place where they were staying, but +insisted on my going; and I went. We dined together. After dinner, Agnes +sat beside him, as of old, and poured out his wine. He took what she +gave him, and no more--like a child--and we all three sat together at a +window as the evening gathered in. When it was almost dark, he lay down +on a sofa, Agnes pillowing his head and bending over him a little while; +and when she came back to the window, it was not so dark but I could see +tears glittering in her eyes. + +I pray Heaven that I never may forget the dear girl in her love and +truth, at that time of my life; for if I should, I must be drawing near +the end, and then I would desire to remember her best! She filled my +heart with such good resolutions, strengthened my weakness so, by her +example, so directed--I know not how, she was too modest and gentle +to advise me in many words--the wandering ardour and unsettled purpose +within me, that all the little good I have done, and all the harm I have +forborne, I solemnly believe I may refer to her. + +And how she spoke to me of Dora, sitting at the window in the dark; +listened to my praises of her; praised again; and round the little +fairy-figure shed some glimpses of her own pure light, that made it yet +more precious and more innocent to me! Oh, Agnes, sister of my boyhood, +if I had known then, what I knew long afterwards--! + +There was a beggar in the street, when I went down; and as I turned my +head towards the window, thinking of her calm seraphic eyes, he made me +start by muttering, as if he were an echo of the morning: 'Blind! Blind! +Blind!' + + + +CHAPTER 36. ENTHUSIASM + +I began the next day with another dive into the Roman bath, and then +started for Highgate. I was not dispirited now. I was not afraid of the +shabby coat, and had no yearnings after gallant greys. My whole manner +of thinking of our late misfortune was changed. What I had to do, was, +to show my aunt that her past goodness to me had not been thrown away +on an insensible, ungrateful object. What I had to do, was, to turn the +painful discipline of my younger days to account, by going to work with +a resolute and steady heart. What I had to do, was, to take my woodman's +axe in my hand, and clear my own way through the forest of difficulty, +by cutting down the trees until I came to Dora. And I went on at a +mighty rate, as if it could be done by walking. + +When I found myself on the familiar Highgate road, pursuing such a +different errand from that old one of pleasure, with which it was +associated, it seemed as if a complete change had come on my whole life. +But that did not discourage me. With the new life, came new purpose, +new intention. Great was the labour; priceless the reward. Dora was the +reward, and Dora must be won. + +I got into such a transport, that I felt quite sorry my coat was not +a little shabby already. I wanted to be cutting at those trees in the +forest of difficulty, under circumstances that should prove my strength. +I had a good mind to ask an old man, in wire spectacles, who was +breaking stones upon the road, to lend me his hammer for a little while, +and let me begin to beat a path to Dora out of granite. I stimulated +myself into such a heat, and got so out of breath, that I felt as if I +had been earning I don't know how much. + +In this state, I went into a cottage that I saw was to let, and examined +it narrowly,--for I felt it necessary to be practical. It would do for +me and Dora admirably: with a little front garden for Jip to run about +in, and bark at the tradespeople through the railings, and a capital +room upstairs for my aunt. I came out again, hotter and faster than +ever, and dashed up to Highgate, at such a rate that I was there an +hour too early; and, though I had not been, should have been obliged to +stroll about to cool myself, before I was at all presentable. + +My first care, after putting myself under this necessary course of +preparation, was to find the Doctor's house. It was not in that part of +Highgate where Mrs. Steerforth lived, but quite on the opposite side +of the little town. When I had made this discovery, I went back, in +an attraction I could not resist, to a lane by Mrs. Steerforth's, and +looked over the corner of the garden wall. His room was shut up close. +The conservatory doors were standing open, and Rosa Dartle was walking, +bareheaded, with a quick, impetuous step, up and down a gravel walk on +one side of the lawn. She gave me the idea of some fierce thing, that +was dragging the length of its chain to and fro upon a beaten track, and +wearing its heart out. + +I came softly away from my place of observation, and avoiding that part +of the neighbourhood, and wishing I had not gone near it, strolled about +until it was ten o'clock. The church with the slender spire, that stands +on the top of the hill now, was not there then to tell me the time. An +old red-brick mansion, used as a school, was in its place; and a fine +old house it must have been to go to school at, as I recollect it. + +When I approached the Doctor's cottage--a pretty old place, on which +he seemed to have expended some money, if I might judge from the +embellishments and repairs that had the look of being just completed--I +saw him walking in the garden at the side, gaiters and all, as if he +had never left off walking since the days of my pupilage. He had his old +companions about him, too; for there were plenty of high trees in the +neighbourhood, and two or three rooks were on the grass, looking after +him, as if they had been written to about him by the Canterbury rooks, +and were observing him closely in consequence. + +Knowing the utter hopelessness of attracting his attention from that +distance, I made bold to open the gate, and walk after him, so as to +meet him when he should turn round. When he did, and came towards me, he +looked at me thoughtfully for a few moments, evidently without thinking +about me at all; and then his benevolent face expressed extraordinary +pleasure, and he took me by both hands. + +'Why, my dear Copperfield,' said the Doctor, 'you are a man! How do you +do? I am delighted to see you. My dear Copperfield, how very much you +have improved! You are quite--yes--dear me!' + +I hoped he was well, and Mrs. Strong too. + +'Oh dear, yes!' said the Doctor; 'Annie's quite well, and she'll be +delighted to see you. You were always her favourite. She said so, +last night, when I showed her your letter. And--yes, to be sure--you +recollect Mr. Jack Maldon, Copperfield?' + +'Perfectly, sir.' + +'Of course,' said the Doctor. 'To be sure. He's pretty well, too.' + +'Has he come home, sir?' I inquired. + +'From India?' said the Doctor. 'Yes. Mr. Jack Maldon couldn't bear +the climate, my dear. Mrs. Markleham--you have not forgotten Mrs. +Markleham?' + +Forgotten the Old Soldier! And in that short time! + +'Mrs. Markleham,' said the Doctor, 'was quite vexed about him, poor +thing; so we have got him at home again; and we have bought him a little +Patent place, which agrees with him much better.' I knew enough of Mr. +Jack Maldon to suspect from this account that it was a place where there +was not much to do, and which was pretty well paid. The Doctor, walking +up and down with his hand on my shoulder, and his kind face turned +encouragingly to mine, went on: + +'Now, my dear Copperfield, in reference to this proposal of yours. It's +very gratifying and agreeable to me, I am sure; but don't you think you +could do better? You achieved distinction, you know, when you were with +us. You are qualified for many good things. You have laid a foundation +that any edifice may be raised upon; and is it not a pity that you +should devote the spring-time of your life to such a poor pursuit as I +can offer?' + +I became very glowing again, and, expressing myself in a rhapsodical +style, I am afraid, urged my request strongly; reminding the Doctor that +I had already a profession. + +'Well, well,' said the Doctor, 'that's true. Certainly, your having +a profession, and being actually engaged in studying it, makes a +difference. But, my good young friend, what's seventy pounds a year?' + +'It doubles our income, Doctor Strong,' said I. + +'Dear me!' replied the Doctor. 'To think of that! Not that I mean to +say it's rigidly limited to seventy pounds a-year, because I have always +contemplated making any young friend I might thus employ, a present too. +Undoubtedly,' said the Doctor, still walking me up and down with +his hand on my shoulder. 'I have always taken an annual present into +account.' + +'My dear tutor,' said I (now, really, without any nonsense), 'to whom I +owe more obligations already than I ever can acknowledge--' + +'No, no,' interposed the Doctor. 'Pardon me!' + +'If you will take such time as I have, and that is my mornings and +evenings, and can think it worth seventy pounds a year, you will do me +such a service as I cannot express.' + +'Dear me!' said the Doctor, innocently. 'To think that so little should +go for so much! Dear, dear! And when you can do better, you will? On +your word, now?' said the Doctor,--which he had always made a very grave +appeal to the honour of us boys. + +'On my word, sir!' I returned, answering in our old school manner. + +'Then be it so,' said the Doctor, clapping me on the shoulder, and still +keeping his hand there, as we still walked up and down. + +'And I shall be twenty times happier, sir,' said I, with a little--I +hope innocent--flattery, 'if my employment is to be on the Dictionary.' + +The Doctor stopped, smilingly clapped me on the shoulder again, and +exclaimed, with a triumph most delightful to behold, as if I had +penetrated to the profoundest depths of mortal sagacity, 'My dear young +friend, you have hit it. It IS the Dictionary!' + +How could it be anything else! His pockets were as full of it as his +head. It was sticking out of him in all directions. He told me that +since his retirement from scholastic life, he had been advancing with +it wonderfully; and that nothing could suit him better than the proposed +arrangements for morning and evening work, as it was his custom to walk +about in the daytime with his considering cap on. His papers were in +a little confusion, in consequence of Mr. Jack Maldon having lately +proffered his occasional services as an amanuensis, and not being +accustomed to that occupation; but we should soon put right what was +amiss, and go on swimmingly. Afterwards, when we were fairly at our +work, I found Mr. Jack Maldon's efforts more troublesome to me than +I had expected, as he had not confined himself to making numerous +mistakes, but had sketched so many soldiers, and ladies' heads, over +the Doctor's manuscript, that I often became involved in labyrinths of +obscurity. + +The Doctor was quite happy in the prospect of our going to work together +on that wonderful performance, and we settled to begin next morning at +seven o'clock. We were to work two hours every morning, and two or three +hours every night, except on Saturdays, when I was to rest. On Sundays, +of course, I was to rest also, and I considered these very easy terms. + +Our plans being thus arranged to our mutual satisfaction, the Doctor +took me into the house to present me to Mrs. Strong, whom we found in +the Doctor's new study, dusting his books,--a freedom which he never +permitted anybody else to take with those sacred favourites. + +They had postponed their breakfast on my account, and we sat down to +table together. We had not been seated long, when I saw an approaching +arrival in Mrs. Strong's face, before I heard any sound of it. A +gentleman on horseback came to the gate, and leading his horse into the +little court, with the bridle over his arm, as if he were quite at home, +tied him to a ring in the empty coach-house wall, and came into the +breakfast parlour, whip in hand. It was Mr. Jack Maldon; and Mr. Jack +Maldon was not at all improved by India, I thought. I was in a state +of ferocious virtue, however, as to young men who were not cutting down +trees in the forest of difficulty; and my impression must be received +with due allowance. + +'Mr. Jack!' said the Doctor. 'Copperfield!' + +Mr. Jack Maldon shook hands with me; but not very warmly, I believed; +and with an air of languid patronage, at which I secretly took great +umbrage. But his languor altogether was quite a wonderful sight; except +when he addressed himself to his cousin Annie. 'Have you breakfasted +this morning, Mr. Jack?' said the Doctor. + +'I hardly ever take breakfast, sir,' he replied, with his head thrown +back in an easy-chair. 'I find it bores me.' + +'Is there any news today?' inquired the Doctor. + +'Nothing at all, sir,' replied Mr. Maldon. 'There's an account about +the people being hungry and discontented down in the North, but they are +always being hungry and discontented somewhere.' + +The Doctor looked grave, and said, as though he wished to change the +subject, 'Then there's no news at all; and no news, they say, is good +news.' + +'There's a long statement in the papers, sir, about a murder,' observed +Mr. Maldon. 'But somebody is always being murdered, and I didn't read +it.' + +A display of indifference to all the actions and passions of mankind was +not supposed to be such a distinguished quality at that time, I think, +as I have observed it to be considered since. I have known it very +fashionable indeed. I have seen it displayed with such success, that I +have encountered some fine ladies and gentlemen who might as well have +been born caterpillars. Perhaps it impressed me the more then, because +it was new to me, but it certainly did not tend to exalt my opinion of, +or to strengthen my confidence in, Mr. Jack Maldon. + +'I came out to inquire whether Annie would like to go to the opera +tonight,' said Mr. Maldon, turning to her. 'It's the last good night +there will be, this season; and there's a singer there, whom she really +ought to hear. She is perfectly exquisite. Besides which, she is so +charmingly ugly,' relapsing into languor. + +The Doctor, ever pleased with what was likely to please his young wife, +turned to her and said: + +'You must go, Annie. You must go.' + +'I would rather not,' she said to the Doctor. 'I prefer to remain at +home. I would much rather remain at home.' + +Without looking at her cousin, she then addressed me, and asked me about +Agnes, and whether she should see her, and whether she was not likely to +come that day; and was so much disturbed, that I wondered how even the +Doctor, buttering his toast, could be blind to what was so obvious. + +But he saw nothing. He told her, good-naturedly, that she was young and +ought to be amused and entertained, and must not allow herself to be +made dull by a dull old fellow. Moreover, he said, he wanted to hear her +sing all the new singer's songs to him; and how could she do that well, +unless she went? So the Doctor persisted in making the engagement for +her, and Mr. Jack Maldon was to come back to dinner. This concluded, he +went to his Patent place, I suppose; but at all events went away on his +horse, looking very idle. + +I was curious to find out next morning, whether she had been. She had +not, but had sent into London to put her cousin off; and had gone out in +the afternoon to see Agnes, and had prevailed upon the Doctor to go with +her; and they had walked home by the fields, the Doctor told me, the +evening being delightful. I wondered then, whether she would have gone +if Agnes had not been in town, and whether Agnes had some good influence +over her too! + +She did not look very happy, I thought; but it was a good face, or a +very false one. I often glanced at it, for she sat in the window all the +time we were at work; and made our breakfast, which we took by snatches +as we were employed. When I left, at nine o'clock, she was kneeling on +the ground at the Doctor's feet, putting on his shoes and gaiters for +him. There was a softened shade upon her face, thrown from some green +leaves overhanging the open window of the low room; and I thought all +the way to Doctors' Commons, of the night when I had seen it looking at +him as he read. + +I was pretty busy now; up at five in the morning, and home at nine +or ten at night. But I had infinite satisfaction in being so +closely engaged, and never walked slowly on any account, and felt +enthusiastically that the more I tired myself, the more I was doing to +deserve Dora. I had not revealed myself in my altered character to +Dora yet, because she was coming to see Miss Mills in a few days, and +I deferred all I had to tell her until then; merely informing her in +my letters (all our communications were secretly forwarded through Miss +Mills), that I had much to tell her. In the meantime, I put myself on +a short allowance of bear's grease, wholly abandoned scented soap and +lavender water, and sold off three waistcoats at a prodigious sacrifice, +as being too luxurious for my stern career. + +Not satisfied with all these proceedings, but burning with impatience +to do something more, I went to see Traddles, now lodging up behind the +parapet of a house in Castle Street, Holborn. Mr. Dick, who had been +with me to Highgate twice already, and had resumed his companionship +with the Doctor, I took with me. + +I took Mr. Dick with me, because, acutely sensitive to my aunt's +reverses, and sincerely believing that no galley-slave or convict worked +as I did, he had begun to fret and worry himself out of spirits and +appetite, as having nothing useful to do. In this condition, he felt +more incapable of finishing the Memorial than ever; and the harder he +worked at it, the oftener that unlucky head of King Charles the First +got into it. Seriously apprehending that his malady would increase, +unless we put some innocent deception upon him and caused him to believe +that he was useful, or unless we could put him in the way of being +really useful (which would be better), I made up my mind to try +if Traddles could help us. Before we went, I wrote Traddles a full +statement of all that had happened, and Traddles wrote me back a capital +answer, expressive of his sympathy and friendship. + +We found him hard at work with his inkstand and papers, refreshed by the +sight of the flower-pot stand and the little round table in a corner of +the small apartment. He received us cordially, and made friends with +Mr. Dick in a moment. Mr. Dick professed an absolute certainty of having +seen him before, and we both said, 'Very likely.' + +The first subject on which I had to consult Traddles was this,--I had +heard that many men distinguished in various pursuits had begun life +by reporting the debates in Parliament. Traddles having mentioned +newspapers to me, as one of his hopes, I had put the two things +together, and told Traddles in my letter that I wished to know how I +could qualify myself for this pursuit. Traddles now informed me, as the +result of his inquiries, that the mere mechanical acquisition necessary, +except in rare cases, for thorough excellence in it, that is to say, +a perfect and entire command of the mystery of short-hand writing and +reading, was about equal in difficulty to the mastery of six languages; +and that it might perhaps be attained, by dint of perseverance, in the +course of a few years. Traddles reasonably supposed that this would +settle the business; but I, only feeling that here indeed were a few +tall trees to be hewn down, immediately resolved to work my way on to +Dora through this thicket, axe in hand. + +'I am very much obliged to you, my dear Traddles!' said I. 'I'll begin +tomorrow.' + +Traddles looked astonished, as he well might; but he had no notion as +yet of my rapturous condition. + +'I'll buy a book,' said I, 'with a good scheme of this art in it; I'll +work at it at the Commons, where I haven't half enough to do; I'll take +down the speeches in our court for practice--Traddles, my dear fellow, +I'll master it!' + +'Dear me,' said Traddles, opening his eyes, 'I had no idea you were such +a determined character, Copperfield!' + +I don't know how he should have had, for it was new enough to me. I +passed that off, and brought Mr. Dick on the carpet. + +'You see,' said Mr. Dick, wistfully, 'if I could exert myself, Mr. +Traddles--if I could beat a drum--or blow anything!' + +Poor fellow! I have little doubt he would have preferred such an +employment in his heart to all others. Traddles, who would not have +smiled for the world, replied composedly: + +'But you are a very good penman, sir. You told me so, Copperfield?' +'Excellent!' said I. And indeed he was. He wrote with extraordinary +neatness. + +'Don't you think,' said Traddles, 'you could copy writings, sir, if I +got them for you?' + +Mr. Dick looked doubtfully at me. 'Eh, Trotwood?' + +I shook my head. Mr. Dick shook his, and sighed. 'Tell him about the +Memorial,' said Mr. Dick. + +I explained to Traddles that there was a difficulty in keeping King +Charles the First out of Mr. Dick's manuscripts; Mr. Dick in the +meanwhile looking very deferentially and seriously at Traddles, and +sucking his thumb. + +'But these writings, you know, that I speak of, are already drawn up +and finished,' said Traddles after a little consideration. 'Mr. Dick has +nothing to do with them. Wouldn't that make a difference, Copperfield? +At all events, wouldn't it be well to try?' + +This gave us new hope. Traddles and I laying our heads together apart, +while Mr. Dick anxiously watched us from his chair, we concocted a +scheme in virtue of which we got him to work next day, with triumphant +success. + +On a table by the window in Buckingham Street, we set out the work +Traddles procured for him--which was to make, I forget how many copies +of a legal document about some right of way--and on another table +we spread the last unfinished original of the great Memorial. Our +instructions to Mr. Dick were that he should copy exactly what he had +before him, without the least departure from the original; and that when +he felt it necessary to make the slightest allusion to King Charles the +First, he should fly to the Memorial. We exhorted him to be resolute +in this, and left my aunt to observe him. My aunt reported to us, +afterwards, that, at first, he was like a man playing the kettle-drums, +and constantly divided his attentions between the two; but that, finding +this confuse and fatigue him, and having his copy there, plainly before +his eyes, he soon sat at it in an orderly business-like manner, and +postponed the Memorial to a more convenient time. In a word, although we +took great care that he should have no more to do than was good for him, +and although he did not begin with the beginning of a week, he earned +by the following Saturday night ten shillings and nine-pence; and never, +while I live, shall I forget his going about to all the shops in the +neighbourhood to change this treasure into sixpences, or his bringing +them to my aunt arranged in the form of a heart upon a waiter, with +tears of joy and pride in his eyes. He was like one under the propitious +influence of a charm, from the moment of his being usefully employed; +and if there were a happy man in the world, that Saturday night, it was +the grateful creature who thought my aunt the most wonderful woman in +existence, and me the most wonderful young man. + +'No starving now, Trotwood,' said Mr. Dick, shaking hands with me in a +corner. 'I'll provide for her, Sir!' and he flourished his ten fingers +in the air, as if they were ten banks. + +I hardly know which was the better pleased, Traddles or I. 'It really,' +said Traddles, suddenly, taking a letter out of his pocket, and giving +it to me, 'put Mr. Micawber quite out of my head!' + +The letter (Mr. Micawber never missed any possible opportunity of +writing a letter) was addressed to me, 'By the kindness of T. Traddles, +Esquire, of the Inner Temple.' It ran thus:-- + + +'MY DEAR COPPERFIELD, + +'You may possibly not be unprepared to receive the intimation that +something has turned up. I may have mentioned to you on a former +occasion that I was in expectation of such an event. + +'I am about to establish myself in one of the provincial towns of our +favoured island (where the society may be described as a happy admixture +of the agricultural and the clerical), in immediate connexion with +one of the learned professions. Mrs. Micawber and our offspring will +accompany me. Our ashes, at a future period, will probably be found +commingled in the cemetery attached to a venerable pile, for which the +spot to which I refer has acquired a reputation, shall I say from China +to Peru? + +'In bidding adieu to the modern Babylon, where we have undergone many +vicissitudes, I trust not ignobly, Mrs. Micawber and myself cannot +disguise from our minds that we part, it may be for years and it may be +for ever, with an individual linked by strong associations to the altar +of our domestic life. If, on the eve of such a departure, you will +accompany our mutual friend, Mr. Thomas Traddles, to our present abode, +and there reciprocate the wishes natural to the occasion, you will +confer a Boon + + 'On + 'One + 'Who + 'Is + 'Ever yours, + 'WILKINS MICAWBER.' + + +I was glad to find that Mr. Micawber had got rid of his dust and ashes, +and that something really had turned up at last. Learning from Traddles +that the invitation referred to the evening then wearing away, I +expressed my readiness to do honour to it; and we went off together to +the lodging which Mr. Micawber occupied as Mr. Mortimer, and which was +situated near the top of the Gray's Inn Road. + +The resources of this lodging were so limited, that we found the twins, +now some eight or nine years old, reposing in a turn-up bedstead in +the family sitting-room, where Mr. Micawber had prepared, in a +wash-hand-stand jug, what he called 'a Brew' of the agreeable beverage +for which he was famous. I had the pleasure, on this occasion, of +renewing the acquaintance of Master Micawber, whom I found a promising +boy of about twelve or thirteen, very subject to that restlessness of +limb which is not an unfrequent phenomenon in youths of his age. I also +became once more known to his sister, Miss Micawber, in whom, as Mr. +Micawber told us, 'her mother renewed her youth, like the Phoenix'. + +'My dear Copperfield,' said Mr. Micawber, 'yourself and Mr. Traddles +find us on the brink of migration, and will excuse any little +discomforts incidental to that position.' + +Glancing round as I made a suitable reply, I observed that the family +effects were already packed, and that the amount of luggage was by no +means overwhelming. I congratulated Mrs. Micawber on the approaching +change. + +'My dear Mr. Copperfield,' said Mrs. Micawber, 'of your friendly +interest in all our affairs, I am well assured. My family may consider +it banishment, if they please; but I am a wife and mother, and I never +will desert Mr. Micawber.' + +Traddles, appealed to by Mrs. Micawber's eye, feelingly acquiesced. + +'That,' said Mrs. Micawber, 'that, at least, is my view, my dear Mr. +Copperfield and Mr. Traddles, of the obligation which I took upon myself +when I repeated the irrevocable words, "I, Emma, take thee, Wilkins." I +read the service over with a flat-candle on the previous night, and +the conclusion I derived from it was, that I never could desert Mr. +Micawber. And,' said Mrs. Micawber, 'though it is possible I may be +mistaken in my view of the ceremony, I never will!' + +'My dear,' said Mr. Micawber, a little impatiently, 'I am not conscious +that you are expected to do anything of the sort.' + +'I am aware, my dear Mr. Copperfield,' pursued Mrs. Micawber, 'that I am +now about to cast my lot among strangers; and I am also aware that the +various members of my family, to whom Mr. Micawber has written in the +most gentlemanly terms, announcing that fact, have not taken the least +notice of Mr. Micawber's communication. Indeed I may be superstitious,' +said Mrs. Micawber, 'but it appears to me that Mr. Micawber is destined +never to receive any answers whatever to the great majority of the +communications he writes. I may augur, from the silence of my family, +that they object to the resolution I have taken; but I should not allow +myself to be swerved from the path of duty, Mr. Copperfield, even by my +papa and mama, were they still living.' + +I expressed my opinion that this was going in the right direction. 'It +may be a sacrifice,' said Mrs. Micawber, 'to immure one's-self in a +Cathedral town; but surely, Mr. Copperfield, if it is a sacrifice in me, +it is much more a sacrifice in a man of Mr. Micawber's abilities.' + +'Oh! You are going to a Cathedral town?' said I. + +Mr. Micawber, who had been helping us all, out of the wash-hand-stand +jug, replied: + +'To Canterbury. In fact, my dear Copperfield, I have entered into +arrangements, by virtue of which I stand pledged and contracted to our +friend Heep, to assist and serve him in the capacity of--and to be--his +confidential clerk.' + +I stared at Mr. Micawber, who greatly enjoyed my surprise. + +'I am bound to state to you,' he said, with an official air, 'that the +business habits, and the prudent suggestions, of Mrs. Micawber, have +in a great measure conduced to this result. The gauntlet, to which Mrs. +Micawber referred upon a former occasion, being thrown down in the form +of an advertisement, was taken up by my friend Heep, and led to a mutual +recognition. Of my friend Heep,' said Mr. Micawber, 'who is a man of +remarkable shrewdness, I desire to speak with all possible respect. +My friend Heep has not fixed the positive remuneration at too high a +figure, but he has made a great deal, in the way of extrication from +the pressure of pecuniary difficulties, contingent on the value of +my services; and on the value of those services I pin my faith. Such +address and intelligence as I chance to possess,' said Mr. Micawber, +boastfully disparaging himself, with the old genteel air, 'will be +devoted to my friend Heep's service. I have already some acquaintance +with the law--as a defendant on civil process--and I shall immediately +apply myself to the Commentaries of one of the most eminent and +remarkable of our English jurists. I believe it is unnecessary to add +that I allude to Mr. justice Blackstone.' + +These observations, and indeed the greater part of the observations +made that evening, were interrupted by Mrs. Micawber's discovering that +Master Micawber was sitting on his boots, or holding his head on with +both arms as if he felt it loose, or accidentally kicking Traddles under +the table, or shuffling his feet over one another, or producing them +at distances from himself apparently outrageous to nature, or lying +sideways with his hair among the wine-glasses, or developing his +restlessness of limb in some other form incompatible with the general +interests of society; and by Master Micawber's receiving those +discoveries in a resentful spirit. I sat all the while, amazed by Mr. +Micawber's disclosure, and wondering what it meant; until Mrs. Micawber +resumed the thread of the discourse, and claimed my attention. + +'What I particularly request Mr. Micawber to be careful of, is,' said +Mrs. Micawber, 'that he does not, my dear Mr. Copperfield, in applying +himself to this subordinate branch of the law, place it out of his power +to rise, ultimately, to the top of the tree. I am convinced that Mr. +Micawber, giving his mind to a profession so adapted to his fertile +resources, and his flow of language, must distinguish himself. Now, for +example, Mr. Traddles,' said Mrs. Micawber, assuming a profound air, 'a +judge, or even say a Chancellor. Does an individual place himself beyond +the pale of those preferments by entering on such an office as Mr. +Micawber has accepted?' + +'My dear,' observed Mr. Micawber--but glancing inquisitively at +Traddles, too; 'we have time enough before us, for the consideration of +those questions.' + +'Micawber,' she returned, 'no! Your mistake in life is, that you do not +look forward far enough. You are bound, in justice to your family, if +not to yourself, to take in at a comprehensive glance the extremest +point in the horizon to which your abilities may lead you.' + +Mr. Micawber coughed, and drank his punch with an air of exceeding +satisfaction--still glancing at Traddles, as if he desired to have his +opinion. + +'Why, the plain state of the case, Mrs. Micawber,' said Traddles, mildly +breaking the truth to her. 'I mean the real prosaic fact, you know--' + +'Just so,' said Mrs. Micawber, 'my dear Mr. Traddles, I wish to be as +prosaic and literal as possible on a subject of so much importance.' + +'--Is,' said Traddles, 'that this branch of the law, even if Mr. +Micawber were a regular solicitor--' + +'Exactly so,' returned Mrs. Micawber. ('Wilkins, you are squinting, and +will not be able to get your eyes back.') + +'--Has nothing,' pursued Traddles, 'to do with that. Only a barrister +is eligible for such preferments; and Mr. Micawber could not be a +barrister, without being entered at an inn of court as a student, for +five years.' + +'Do I follow you?' said Mrs. Micawber, with her most affable air +of business. 'Do I understand, my dear Mr. Traddles, that, at the +expiration of that period, Mr. Micawber would be eligible as a Judge or +Chancellor?' + +'He would be ELIGIBLE,' returned Traddles, with a strong emphasis on +that word. + +'Thank you,' said Mrs. Micawber. 'That is quite sufficient. If such is +the case, and Mr. Micawber forfeits no privilege by entering on these +duties, my anxiety is set at rest. I speak,' said Mrs. Micawber, 'as a +female, necessarily; but I have always been of opinion that Mr. Micawber +possesses what I have heard my papa call, when I lived at home, the +judicial mind; and I hope Mr. Micawber is now entering on a field where +that mind will develop itself, and take a commanding station.' + +I quite believe that Mr. Micawber saw himself, in his judicial mind's +eye, on the woolsack. He passed his hand complacently over his bald +head, and said with ostentatious resignation: + +'My dear, we will not anticipate the decrees of fortune. If I am +reserved to wear a wig, I am at least prepared, externally,' in allusion +to his baldness, 'for that distinction. I do not,' said Mr. Micawber, +'regret my hair, and I may have been deprived of it for a specific +purpose. I cannot say. It is my intention, my dear Copperfield, to +educate my son for the Church; I will not deny that I should be happy, +on his account, to attain to eminence.' + +'For the Church?' said I, still pondering, between whiles, on Uriah +Heep. + +'Yes,' said Mr. Micawber. 'He has a remarkable head-voice, and will +commence as a chorister. Our residence at Canterbury, and our local +connexion, will, no doubt, enable him to take advantage of any vacancy +that may arise in the Cathedral corps.' + +On looking at Master Micawber again, I saw that he had a certain +expression of face, as if his voice were behind his eyebrows; where it +presently appeared to be, on his singing us (as an alternative between +that and bed) 'The Wood-Pecker tapping'. After many compliments on this +performance, we fell into some general conversation; and as I was too +full of my desperate intentions to keep my altered circumstances to +myself, I made them known to Mr. and Mrs. Micawber. I cannot express how +extremely delighted they both were, by the idea of my aunt's being in +difficulties; and how comfortable and friendly it made them. + +When we were nearly come to the last round of the punch, I addressed +myself to Traddles, and reminded him that we must not separate, without +wishing our friends health, happiness, and success in their new career. +I begged Mr. Micawber to fill us bumpers, and proposed the toast in +due form: shaking hands with him across the table, and kissing Mrs. +Micawber, to commemorate that eventful occasion. Traddles imitated me +in the first particular, but did not consider himself a sufficiently old +friend to venture on the second. + +'My dear Copperfield,' said Mr. Micawber, rising with one of his thumbs +in each of his waistcoat pockets, 'the companion of my youth: if I may +be allowed the expression--and my esteemed friend Traddles: if I may be +permitted to call him so--will allow me, on the part of Mrs. Micawber, +myself, and our offspring, to thank them in the warmest and most +uncompromising terms for their good wishes. It may be expected that +on the eve of a migration which will consign us to a perfectly new +existence,' Mr. Micawber spoke as if they were going five hundred +thousand miles, 'I should offer a few valedictory remarks to two such +friends as I see before me. But all that I have to say in this way, I +have said. Whatever station in society I may attain, through the medium +of the learned profession of which I am about to become an unworthy +member, I shall endeavour not to disgrace, and Mrs. Micawber will be +safe to adorn. Under the temporary pressure of pecuniary liabilities, +contracted with a view to their immediate liquidation, but remaining +unliquidated through a combination of circumstances, I have been +under the necessity of assuming a garb from which my natural instincts +recoil--I allude to spectacles--and possessing myself of a cognomen, to +which I can establish no legitimate pretensions. All I have to say on +that score is, that the cloud has passed from the dreary scene, and the +God of Day is once more high upon the mountain tops. On Monday next, on +the arrival of the four o'clock afternoon coach at Canterbury, my foot +will be on my native heath--my name, Micawber!' + +Mr. Micawber resumed his seat on the close of these remarks, and +drank two glasses of punch in grave succession. He then said with much +solemnity: + +'One thing more I have to do, before this separation is complete, and +that is to perform an act of justice. My friend Mr. Thomas Traddles +has, on two several occasions, "put his name", if I may use a common +expression, to bills of exchange for my accommodation. On the first +occasion Mr. Thomas Traddles was left--let me say, in short, in the +lurch. The fulfilment of the second has not yet arrived. The amount of +the first obligation,' here Mr. Micawber carefully referred to papers, +'was, I believe, twenty-three, four, nine and a half, of the second, +according to my entry of that transaction, eighteen, six, two. These +sums, united, make a total, if my calculation is correct, amounting to +forty-one, ten, eleven and a half. My friend Copperfield will perhaps do +me the favour to check that total?' + +I did so and found it correct. + +'To leave this metropolis,' said Mr. Micawber, 'and my friend Mr. +Thomas Traddles, without acquitting myself of the pecuniary part of this +obligation, would weigh upon my mind to an insupportable extent. I have, +therefore, prepared for my friend Mr. Thomas Traddles, and I now hold +in my hand, a document, which accomplishes the desired object. I beg +to hand to my friend Mr. Thomas Traddles my I.O.U. for forty-one, ten, +eleven and a half, and I am happy to recover my moral dignity, and to +know that I can once more walk erect before my fellow man!' + +With this introduction (which greatly affected him), Mr. Micawber placed +his I.O.U. in the hands of Traddles, and said he wished him well in +every relation of life. I am persuaded, not only that this was quite +the same to Mr. Micawber as paying the money, but that Traddles himself +hardly knew the difference until he had had time to think about it. Mr. +Micawber walked so erect before his fellow man, on the strength of +this virtuous action, that his chest looked half as broad again when he +lighted us downstairs. We parted with great heartiness on both sides; +and when I had seen Traddles to his own door, and was going home alone, +I thought, among the other odd and contradictory things I mused upon, +that, slippery as Mr. Micawber was, I was probably indebted to some +compassionate recollection he retained of me as his boy-lodger, for +never having been asked by him for money. I certainly should not have +had the moral courage to refuse it; and I have no doubt he knew that (to +his credit be it written), quite as well as I did. + + + +CHAPTER 37. A LITTLE COLD WATER + + +My new life had lasted for more than a week, and I was stronger than +ever in those tremendous practical resolutions that I felt the crisis +required. I continued to walk extremely fast, and to have a general idea +that I was getting on. I made it a rule to take as much out of myself +as I possibly could, in my way of doing everything to which I applied +my energies. I made a perfect victim of myself. I even entertained some +idea of putting myself on a vegetable diet, vaguely conceiving that, in +becoming a graminivorous animal, I should sacrifice to Dora. + +As yet, little Dora was quite unconscious of my desperate firmness, +otherwise than as my letters darkly shadowed it forth. But another +Saturday came, and on that Saturday evening she was to be at Miss +Mills's; and when Mr. Mills had gone to his whist-club (telegraphed to +me in the street, by a bird-cage in the drawing-room middle window), I +was to go there to tea. + +By this time, we were quite settled down in Buckingham Street, where Mr. +Dick continued his copying in a state of absolute felicity. My aunt had +obtained a signal victory over Mrs. Crupp, by paying her off, throwing +the first pitcher she planted on the stairs out of window, and +protecting in person, up and down the staircase, a supernumerary whom +she engaged from the outer world. These vigorous measures struck such +terror to the breast of Mrs. Crupp, that she subsided into her own +kitchen, under the impression that my aunt was mad. My aunt being +supremely indifferent to Mrs. Crupp's opinion and everybody else's, and +rather favouring than discouraging the idea, Mrs. Crupp, of late the +bold, became within a few days so faint-hearted, that rather than +encounter my aunt upon the staircase, she would endeavour to hide her +portly form behind doors--leaving visible, however, a wide margin of +flannel petticoat--or would shrink into dark corners. This gave my aunt +such unspeakable satisfaction, that I believe she took a delight in +prowling up and down, with her bonnet insanely perched on the top of her +head, at times when Mrs. Crupp was likely to be in the way. + +My aunt, being uncommonly neat and ingenious, made so many little +improvements in our domestic arrangements, that I seemed to be richer +instead of poorer. Among the rest, she converted the pantry into a +dressing-room for me; and purchased and embellished a bedstead for my +occupation, which looked as like a bookcase in the daytime as a bedstead +could. I was the object of her constant solicitude; and my poor mother +herself could not have loved me better, or studied more how to make me +happy. + +Peggotty had considered herself highly privileged in being allowed to +participate in these labours; and, although she still retained something +of her old sentiment of awe in reference to my aunt, had received so +many marks of encouragement and confidence, that they were the best +friends possible. But the time had now come (I am speaking of the +Saturday when I was to take tea at Miss Mills's) when it was necessary +for her to return home, and enter on the discharge of the duties she had +undertaken in behalf of Ham. 'So good-bye, Barkis,' said my aunt, 'and +take care of yourself! I am sure I never thought I could be sorry to +lose you!' + +I took Peggotty to the coach office and saw her off. She cried at +parting, and confided her brother to my friendship as Ham had done. We +had heard nothing of him since he went away, that sunny afternoon. + +'And now, my own dear Davy,' said Peggotty, 'if, while you're a +prentice, you should want any money to spend; or if, when you're out of +your time, my dear, you should want any to set you up (and you must do +one or other, or both, my darling); who has such a good right to ask +leave to lend it you, as my sweet girl's own old stupid me!' + +I was not so savagely independent as to say anything in reply, but that +if ever I borrowed money of anyone, I would borrow it of her. Next to +accepting a large sum on the spot, I believe this gave Peggotty more +comfort than anything I could have done. + +'And, my dear!' whispered Peggotty, 'tell the pretty little angel that +I should so have liked to see her, only for a minute! And tell her that +before she marries my boy, I'll come and make your house so beautiful +for you, if you'll let me!' + +I declared that nobody else should touch it; and this gave Peggotty such +delight that she went away in good spirits. + +I fatigued myself as much as I possibly could in the Commons all day, by +a variety of devices, and at the appointed time in the evening repaired +to Mr. Mills's street. Mr. Mills, who was a terrible fellow to fall +asleep after dinner, had not yet gone out, and there was no bird-cage in +the middle window. + +He kept me waiting so long, that I fervently hoped the Club would fine +him for being late. At last he came out; and then I saw my own Dora hang +up the bird-cage, and peep into the balcony to look for me, and run +in again when she saw I was there, while Jip remained behind, to bark +injuriously at an immense butcher's dog in the street, who could have +taken him like a pill. + +Dora came to the drawing-room door to meet me; and Jip came scrambling +out, tumbling over his own growls, under the impression that I was a +Bandit; and we all three went in, as happy and loving as could be. I +soon carried desolation into the bosom of our joys--not that I meant to +do it, but that I was so full of the subject--by asking Dora, without +the smallest preparation, if she could love a beggar? + +My pretty, little, startled Dora! Her only association with the word was +a yellow face and a nightcap, or a pair of crutches, or a wooden leg, or +a dog with a decanter-stand in his mouth, or something of that kind; and +she stared at me with the most delightful wonder. + +'How can you ask me anything so foolish?' pouted Dora. 'Love a beggar!' + +'Dora, my own dearest!' said I. 'I am a beggar!' + +'How can you be such a silly thing,' replied Dora, slapping my hand, 'as +to sit there, telling such stories? I'll make Jip bite you!' + +Her childish way was the most delicious way in the world to me, but it +was necessary to be explicit, and I solemnly repeated: + +'Dora, my own life, I am your ruined David!' + +'I declare I'll make Jip bite you!' said Dora, shaking her curls, 'if +you are so ridiculous.' + +But I looked so serious, that Dora left off shaking her curls, and laid +her trembling little hand upon my shoulder, and first looked scared +and anxious, then began to cry. That was dreadful. I fell upon my knees +before the sofa, caressing her, and imploring her not to rend my heart; +but, for some time, poor little Dora did nothing but exclaim Oh dear! Oh +dear! And oh, she was so frightened! And where was Julia Mills! And oh, +take her to Julia Mills, and go away, please! until I was almost beside +myself. + +At last, after an agony of supplication and protestation, I got Dora +to look at me, with a horrified expression of face, which I gradually +soothed until it was only loving, and her soft, pretty cheek was lying +against mine. Then I told her, with my arms clasped round her, how I +loved her, so dearly, and so dearly; how I felt it right to offer to +release her from her engagement, because now I was poor; how I never +could bear it, or recover it, if I lost her; how I had no fears of +poverty, if she had none, my arm being nerved and my heart inspired by +her; how I was already working with a courage such as none but lovers +knew; how I had begun to be practical, and look into the future; how a +crust well earned was sweeter far than a feast inherited; and much +more to the same purpose, which I delivered in a burst of passionate +eloquence quite surprising to myself, though I had been thinking about +it, day and night, ever since my aunt had astonished me. + +'Is your heart mine still, dear Dora?' said I, rapturously, for I knew +by her clinging to me that it was. + +'Oh, yes!' cried Dora. 'Oh, yes, it's all yours. Oh, don't be dreadful!' + +I dreadful! To Dora! + +'Don't talk about being poor, and working hard!' said Dora, nestling +closer to me. 'Oh, don't, don't!' + +'My dearest love,' said I, 'the crust well-earned--' + +'Oh, yes; but I don't want to hear any more about crusts!' said Dora. +'And Jip must have a mutton-chop every day at twelve, or he'll die.' + +I was charmed with her childish, winning way. I fondly explained to Dora +that Jip should have his mutton-chop with his accustomed regularity. +I drew a picture of our frugal home, made independent by my +labour--sketching in the little house I had seen at Highgate, and my +aunt in her room upstairs. + +'I am not dreadful now, Dora?' said I, tenderly. + +'Oh, no, no!' cried Dora. 'But I hope your aunt will keep in her own +room a good deal. And I hope she's not a scolding old thing!' + +If it were possible for me to love Dora more than ever, I am sure I did. +But I felt she was a little impracticable. It damped my new-born ardour, +to find that ardour so difficult of communication to her. I made another +trial. When she was quite herself again, and was curling Jip's ears, as +he lay upon her lap, I became grave, and said: + +'My own! May I mention something?' + +'Oh, please don't be practical!' said Dora, coaxingly. 'Because it +frightens me so!' + +'Sweetheart!' I returned; 'there is nothing to alarm you in all this. I +want you to think of it quite differently. I want to make it nerve you, +and inspire you, Dora!' + +'Oh, but that's so shocking!' cried Dora. + +'My love, no. Perseverance and strength of character will enable us to +bear much worse things.' 'But I haven't got any strength at all,' +said Dora, shaking her curls. 'Have I, Jip? Oh, do kiss Jip, and be +agreeable!' + +It was impossible to resist kissing Jip, when she held him up to me for +that purpose, putting her own bright, rosy little mouth into kissing +form, as she directed the operation, which she insisted should be +performed symmetrically, on the centre of his nose. I did as she bade +me--rewarding myself afterwards for my obedience--and she charmed me out +of my graver character for I don't know how long. + +'But, Dora, my beloved!' said I, at last resuming it; 'I was going to +mention something.' + +The judge of the Prerogative Court might have fallen in love with her, +to see her fold her little hands and hold them up, begging and praying +me not to be dreadful any more. + +'Indeed I am not going to be, my darling!' I assured her. 'But, Dora, my +love, if you will sometimes think,--not despondingly, you know; far from +that!--but if you will sometimes think--just to encourage yourself--that +you are engaged to a poor man--' + +'Don't, don't! Pray don't!' cried Dora. 'It's so very dreadful!' + +'My soul, not at all!' said I, cheerfully. 'If you will sometimes think +of that, and look about now and then at your papa's housekeeping, and +endeavour to acquire a little habit--of accounts, for instance--' + +Poor little Dora received this suggestion with something that was half a +sob and half a scream. + +'--It would be so useful to us afterwards,' I went on. 'And if you would +promise me to read a little--a little Cookery Book that I would send +you, it would be so excellent for both of us. For our path in life, my +Dora,' said I, warming with the subject, 'is stony and rugged now, and +it rests with us to smooth it. We must fight our way onward. We must be +brave. There are obstacles to be met, and we must meet, and crush them!' + +I was going on at a great rate, with a clenched hand, and a most +enthusiastic countenance; but it was quite unnecessary to proceed. I had +said enough. I had done it again. Oh, she was so frightened! Oh, where +was Julia Mills! Oh, take her to Julia Mills, and go away, please! +So that, in short, I was quite distracted, and raved about the +drawing-room. + +I thought I had killed her, this time. I sprinkled water on her face. +I went down on my knees. I plucked at my hair. I denounced myself as a +remorseless brute and a ruthless beast. I implored her forgiveness. +I besought her to look up. I ravaged Miss Mills's work-box for a +smelling-bottle, and in my agony of mind applied an ivory needle-case +instead, and dropped all the needles over Dora. I shook my fists at Jip, +who was as frantic as myself. I did every wild extravagance that could +be done, and was a long way beyond the end of my wits when Miss Mills +came into the room. + +'Who has done this?' exclaimed Miss Mills, succouring her friend. + +I replied, 'I, Miss Mills! I have done it! Behold the destroyer!'--or +words to that effect--and hid my face from the light, in the sofa +cushion. + +At first Miss Mills thought it was a quarrel, and that we were verging +on the Desert of Sahara; but she soon found out how matters stood, for +my dear affectionate little Dora, embracing her, began exclaiming that I +was 'a poor labourer'; and then cried for me, and embraced me, and asked +me would I let her give me all her money to keep, and then fell on Miss +Mills's neck, sobbing as if her tender heart were broken. + +Miss Mills must have been born to be a blessing to us. She ascertained +from me in a few words what it was all about, comforted Dora, and +gradually convinced her that I was not a labourer--from my manner of +stating the case I believe Dora concluded that I was a navigator, +and went balancing myself up and down a plank all day with a +wheelbarrow--and so brought us together in peace. When we were quite +composed, and Dora had gone up-stairs to put some rose-water to her +eyes, Miss Mills rang for tea. In the ensuing interval, I told Miss +Mills that she was evermore my friend, and that my heart must cease to +vibrate ere I could forget her sympathy. + +I then expounded to Miss Mills what I had endeavoured, so very +unsuccessfully, to expound to Dora. Miss Mills replied, on general +principles, that the Cottage of content was better than the Palace of +cold splendour, and that where love was, all was. + +I said to Miss Mills that this was very true, and who should know +it better than I, who loved Dora with a love that never mortal had +experienced yet? But on Miss Mills observing, with despondency, that +it were well indeed for some hearts if this were so, I explained that +I begged leave to restrict the observation to mortals of the masculine +gender. + +I then put it to Miss Mills, to say whether she considered that there +was or was not any practical merit in the suggestion I had been anxious +to make, concerning the accounts, the housekeeping, and the Cookery +Book? + +Miss Mills, after some consideration, thus replied: + +'Mr. Copperfield, I will be plain with you. Mental suffering and trial +supply, in some natures, the place of years, and I will be as plain with +you as if I were a Lady Abbess. No. The suggestion is not appropriate +to our Dora. Our dearest Dora is a favourite child of nature. She is a +thing of light, and airiness, and joy. I am free to confess that if it +could be done, it might be well, but--' And Miss Mills shook her head. + +I was encouraged by this closing admission on the part of Miss Mills to +ask her, whether, for Dora's sake, if she had any opportunity of luring +her attention to such preparations for an earnest life, she would avail +herself of it? Miss Mills replied in the affirmative so readily, that I +further asked her if she would take charge of the Cookery Book; and, if +she ever could insinuate it upon Dora's acceptance, without frightening +her, undertake to do me that crowning service. Miss Mills accepted this +trust, too; but was not sanguine. + +And Dora returned, looking such a lovely little creature, that I really +doubted whether she ought to be troubled with anything so ordinary. And +she loved me so much, and was so captivating (particularly when she made +Jip stand on his hind legs for toast, and when she pretended to hold +that nose of his against the hot teapot for punishment because he +wouldn't), that I felt like a sort of Monster who had got into a Fairy's +bower, when I thought of having frightened her, and made her cry. + +After tea we had the guitar; and Dora sang those same dear old French +songs about the impossibility of ever on any account leaving off +dancing, La ra la, La ra la, until I felt a much greater Monster than +before. + +We had only one check to our pleasure, and that happened a little while +before I took my leave, when, Miss Mills chancing to make some allusion +to tomorrow morning, I unluckily let out that, being obliged to exert +myself now, I got up at five o'clock. Whether Dora had any idea that +I was a Private Watchman, I am unable to say; but it made a great +impression on her, and she neither played nor sang any more. + +It was still on her mind when I bade her adieu; and she said to me, in +her pretty coaxing way--as if I were a doll, I used to think: + +'Now don't get up at five o'clock, you naughty boy. It's so +nonsensical!' + +'My love,' said I, 'I have work to do.' + +'But don't do it!' returned Dora. 'Why should you?' + +It was impossible to say to that sweet little surprised face, otherwise +than lightly and playfully, that we must work to live. + +'Oh! How ridiculous!' cried Dora. + +'How shall we live without, Dora?' said I. + +'How? Any how!' said Dora. + +She seemed to think she had quite settled the question, and gave me such +a triumphant little kiss, direct from her innocent heart, that I would +hardly have put her out of conceit with her answer, for a fortune. + +Well! I loved her, and I went on loving her, most absorbingly, entirely, +and completely. But going on, too, working pretty hard, and busily +keeping red-hot all the irons I now had in the fire, I would sit +sometimes of a night, opposite my aunt, thinking how I had frightened +Dora that time, and how I could best make my way with a guitar-case +through the forest of difficulty, until I used to fancy that my head was +turning quite grey. + + + +CHAPTER 38. A DISSOLUTION OF PARTNERSHIP + + +I did not allow my resolution, with respect to the Parliamentary +Debates, to cool. It was one of the irons I began to heat immediately, +and one of the irons I kept hot, and hammered at, with a perseverance +I may honestly admire. I bought an approved scheme of the noble art and +mystery of stenography (which cost me ten and sixpence); and plunged +into a sea of perplexity that brought me, in a few weeks, to the +confines of distraction. The changes that were rung upon dots, which +in such a position meant such a thing, and in such another position +something else, entirely different; the wonderful vagaries that were +played by circles; the unaccountable consequences that resulted from +marks like flies' legs; the tremendous effects of a curve in a wrong +place; not only troubled my waking hours, but reappeared before me in +my sleep. When I had groped my way, blindly, through these difficulties, +and had mastered the alphabet, which was an Egyptian Temple in itself, +there then appeared a procession of new horrors, called arbitrary +characters; the most despotic characters I have ever known; who +insisted, for instance, that a thing like the beginning of a cobweb, +meant expectation, and that a pen-and-ink sky-rocket, stood for +disadvantageous. When I had fixed these wretches in my mind, I found +that they had driven everything else out of it; then, beginning again, I +forgot them; while I was picking them up, I dropped the other fragments +of the system; in short, it was almost heart-breaking. + +It might have been quite heart-breaking, but for Dora, who was the stay +and anchor of my tempest-driven bark. Every scratch in the scheme was +a gnarled oak in the forest of difficulty, and I went on cutting them +down, one after another, with such vigour, that in three or four months +I was in a condition to make an experiment on one of our crack speakers +in the Commons. Shall I ever forget how the crack speaker walked off +from me before I began, and left my imbecile pencil staggering about the +paper as if it were in a fit! + +This would not do, it was quite clear. I was flying too high, and should +never get on, so. I resorted to Traddles for advice; who suggested +that he should dictate speeches to me, at a pace, and with occasional +stoppages, adapted to my weakness. Very grateful for this friendly aid, +I accepted the proposal; and night after night, almost every night, for +a long time, we had a sort of Private Parliament in Buckingham Street, +after I came home from the Doctor's. + +I should like to see such a Parliament anywhere else! My aunt and Mr. +Dick represented the Government or the Opposition (as the case might +be), and Traddles, with the assistance of Enfield's Speakers, or a +volume of parliamentary orations, thundered astonishing invectives +against them. Standing by the table, with his finger in the page to keep +the place, and his right arm flourishing above his head, Traddles, as +Mr. Pitt, Mr. Fox, Mr. Sheridan, Mr. Burke, Lord Castlereagh, Viscount +Sidmouth, or Mr. Canning, would work himself into the most violent +heats, and deliver the most withering denunciations of the profligacy +and corruption of my aunt and Mr. Dick; while I used to sit, at a little +distance, with my notebook on my knee, fagging after him with all my +might and main. The inconsistency and recklessness of Traddles were not +to be exceeded by any real politician. He was for any description of +policy, in the compass of a week; and nailed all sorts of colours to +every denomination of mast. My aunt, looking very like an immovable +Chancellor of the Exchequer, would occasionally throw in an interruption +or two, as 'Hear!' or 'No!' or 'Oh!' when the text seemed to require it: +which was always a signal to Mr. Dick (a perfect country gentleman) +to follow lustily with the same cry. But Mr. Dick got taxed with +such things in the course of his Parliamentary career, and was made +responsible for such awful consequences, that he became uncomfortable in +his mind sometimes. I believe he actually began to be afraid he really +had been doing something, tending to the annihilation of the British +constitution, and the ruin of the country. + +Often and often we pursued these debates until the clock pointed to +midnight, and the candles were burning down. The result of so much good +practice was, that by and by I began to keep pace with Traddles pretty +well, and should have been quite triumphant if I had had the least idea +what my notes were about. But, as to reading them after I had got them, +I might as well have copied the Chinese inscriptions of an immense +collection of tea-chests, or the golden characters on all the great red +and green bottles in the chemists' shops! + +There was nothing for it, but to turn back and begin all over again. It +was very hard, but I turned back, though with a heavy heart, and began +laboriously and methodically to plod over the same tedious ground at a +snail's pace; stopping to examine minutely every speck in the way, on +all sides, and making the most desperate efforts to know these elusive +characters by sight wherever I met them. I was always punctual at +the office; at the Doctor's too: and I really did work, as the common +expression is, like a cart-horse. One day, when I went to the Commons as +usual, I found Mr. Spenlow in the doorway looking extremely grave, and +talking to himself. As he was in the habit of complaining of pains in +his head--he had naturally a short throat, and I do seriously believe +he over-starched himself--I was at first alarmed by the idea that he was +not quite right in that direction; but he soon relieved my uneasiness. + +Instead of returning my 'Good morning' with his usual affability, he +looked at me in a distant, ceremonious manner, and coldly requested me +to accompany him to a certain coffee-house, which, in those days, had +a door opening into the Commons, just within the little archway in St. +Paul's Churchyard. I complied, in a very uncomfortable state, and with a +warm shooting all over me, as if my apprehensions were breaking out into +buds. When I allowed him to go on a little before, on account of the +narrowness of the way, I observed that he carried his head with a lofty +air that was particularly unpromising; and my mind misgave me that he +had found out about my darling Dora. + +If I had not guessed this, on the way to the coffee-house, I could +hardly have failed to know what was the matter when I followed him +into an upstairs room, and found Miss Murdstone there, supported by +a background of sideboard, on which were several inverted tumblers +sustaining lemons, and two of those extraordinary boxes, all corners and +flutings, for sticking knives and forks in, which, happily for mankind, +are now obsolete. + +Miss Murdstone gave me her chilly finger-nails, and sat severely rigid. +Mr. Spenlow shut the door, motioned me to a chair, and stood on the +hearth-rug in front of the fireplace. + +'Have the goodness to show Mr. Copperfield,' said Mr. Spenlow, what you +have in your reticule, Miss Murdstone.' + +I believe it was the old identical steel-clasped reticule of my +childhood, that shut up like a bite. Compressing her lips, in sympathy +with the snap, Miss Murdstone opened it--opening her mouth a little +at the same time--and produced my last letter to Dora, teeming with +expressions of devoted affection. + +'I believe that is your writing, Mr. Copperfield?' said Mr. Spenlow. + +I was very hot, and the voice I heard was very unlike mine, when I said, +'It is, sir!' + +'If I am not mistaken,' said Mr. Spenlow, as Miss Murdstone brought a +parcel of letters out of her reticule, tied round with the dearest bit +of blue ribbon, 'those are also from your pen, Mr. Copperfield?' + +I took them from her with a most desolate sensation; and, glancing at +such phrases at the top, as 'My ever dearest and own Dora,' 'My best +beloved angel,' 'My blessed one for ever,' and the like, blushed deeply, +and inclined my head. + +'No, thank you!' said Mr. Spenlow, coldly, as I mechanically offered +them back to him. 'I will not deprive you of them. Miss Murdstone, be so +good as to proceed!' + +That gentle creature, after a moment's thoughtful survey of the carpet, +delivered herself with much dry unction as follows. + +'I must confess to having entertained my suspicions of Miss Spenlow, in +reference to David Copperfield, for some time. I observed Miss Spenlow +and David Copperfield, when they first met; and the impression made upon +me then was not agreeable. The depravity of the human heart is such--' + +'You will oblige me, ma'am,' interrupted Mr. Spenlow, 'by confining +yourself to facts.' + +Miss Murdstone cast down her eyes, shook her head as if protesting +against this unseemly interruption, and with frowning dignity resumed: + +'Since I am to confine myself to facts, I will state them as dryly as I +can. Perhaps that will be considered an acceptable course of proceeding. +I have already said, sir, that I have had my suspicions of Miss Spenlow, +in reference to David Copperfield, for some time. I have frequently +endeavoured to find decisive corroboration of those suspicions, but +without effect. I have therefore forborne to mention them to Miss +Spenlow's father'; looking severely at him--'knowing how little +disposition there usually is in such cases, to acknowledge the +conscientious discharge of duty.' + +Mr. Spenlow seemed quite cowed by the gentlemanly sternness of Miss +Murdstone's manner, and deprecated her severity with a conciliatory +little wave of his hand. + +'On my return to Norwood, after the period of absence occasioned by my +brother's marriage,' pursued Miss Murdstone in a disdainful voice, 'and +on the return of Miss Spenlow from her visit to her friend Miss Mills, +I imagined that the manner of Miss Spenlow gave me greater occasion for +suspicion than before. Therefore I watched Miss Spenlow closely.' + +Dear, tender little Dora, so unconscious of this Dragon's eye! + +'Still,' resumed Miss Murdstone, 'I found no proof until last night. +It appeared to me that Miss Spenlow received too many letters from her +friend Miss Mills; but Miss Mills being her friend with her father's +full concurrence,' another telling blow at Mr. Spenlow, 'it was not +for me to interfere. If I may not be permitted to allude to the natural +depravity of the human heart, at least I may--I must--be permitted, so +far to refer to misplaced confidence.' + +Mr. Spenlow apologetically murmured his assent. + +'Last evening after tea,' pursued Miss Murdstone, 'I observed the little +dog starting, rolling, and growling about the drawing-room, worrying +something. I said to Miss Spenlow, "Dora, what is that the dog has in +his mouth? It's paper." Miss Spenlow immediately put her hand to her +frock, gave a sudden cry, and ran to the dog. I interposed, and said, +"Dora, my love, you must permit me."' + +Oh Jip, miserable Spaniel, this wretchedness, then, was your work! + +'Miss Spenlow endeavoured,' said Miss Murdstone, 'to bribe me with +kisses, work-boxes, and small articles of jewellery--that, of course, +I pass over. The little dog retreated under the sofa on my approaching +him, and was with great difficulty dislodged by the fire-irons. Even +when dislodged, he still kept the letter in his mouth; and on my +endeavouring to take it from him, at the imminent risk of being bitten, +he kept it between his teeth so pertinaciously as to suffer himself +to be held suspended in the air by means of the document. At length I +obtained possession of it. After perusing it, I taxed Miss Spenlow with +having many such letters in her possession; and ultimately obtained from +her the packet which is now in David Copperfield's hand.' + +Here she ceased; and snapping her reticule again, and shutting her +mouth, looked as if she might be broken, but could never be bent. + +'You have heard Miss Murdstone,' said Mr. Spenlow, turning to me. 'I beg +to ask, Mr. Copperfield, if you have anything to say in reply?' + +The picture I had before me, of the beautiful little treasure of my +heart, sobbing and crying all night--of her being alone, frightened, +and wretched, then--of her having so piteously begged and prayed that +stony-hearted woman to forgive her--of her having vainly offered her +those kisses, work-boxes, and trinkets--of her being in such grievous +distress, and all for me--very much impaired the little dignity I had +been able to muster. I am afraid I was in a tremulous state for a minute +or so, though I did my best to disguise it. + +'There is nothing I can say, sir,' I returned, 'except that all the +blame is mine. Dora--' + +'Miss Spenlow, if you please,' said her father, majestically. + +'--was induced and persuaded by me,' I went on, swallowing that colder +designation, 'to consent to this concealment, and I bitterly regret it.' + +'You are very much to blame, sir,' said Mr. Spenlow, walking to and fro +upon the hearth-rug, and emphasizing what he said with his whole body +instead of his head, on account of the stiffness of his cravat and +spine. 'You have done a stealthy and unbecoming action, Mr. Copperfield. +When I take a gentleman to my house, no matter whether he is nineteen, +twenty-nine, or ninety, I take him there in a spirit of confidence. +If he abuses my confidence, he commits a dishonourable action, Mr. +Copperfield.' + +'I feel it, sir, I assure you,' I returned. 'But I never thought so, +before. Sincerely, honestly, indeed, Mr. Spenlow, I never thought so, +before. I love Miss Spenlow to that extent--' + +'Pooh! nonsense!' said Mr. Spenlow, reddening. 'Pray don't tell me to my +face that you love my daughter, Mr. Copperfield!' + +'Could I defend my conduct if I did not, sir?' I returned, with all +humility. + +'Can you defend your conduct if you do, sir?' said Mr. Spenlow, stopping +short upon the hearth-rug. 'Have you considered your years, and my +daughter's years, Mr. Copperfield? Have you considered what it is to +undermine the confidence that should subsist between my daughter and +myself? Have you considered my daughter's station in life, the projects +I may contemplate for her advancement, the testamentary intentions I +may have with reference to her? Have you considered anything, Mr. +Copperfield?' + +'Very little, sir, I am afraid;' I answered, speaking to him as +respectfully and sorrowfully as I felt; 'but pray believe me, I have +considered my own worldly position. When I explained it to you, we were +already engaged--' + +'I BEG,' said Mr. Spenlow, more like Punch than I had ever seen him, +as he energetically struck one hand upon the other--I could not help +noticing that even in my despair; 'that YOU Will NOT talk to me of +engagements, Mr. Copperfield!' + +The otherwise immovable Miss Murdstone laughed contemptuously in one +short syllable. + +'When I explained my altered position to you, sir,' I began again, +substituting a new form of expression for what was so unpalatable to +him, 'this concealment, into which I am so unhappy as to have led Miss +Spenlow, had begun. Since I have been in that altered position, I have +strained every nerve, I have exerted every energy, to improve it. I am +sure I shall improve it in time. Will you grant me time--any length of +time? We are both so young, sir,--' + +'You are right,' interrupted Mr. Spenlow, nodding his head a great +many times, and frowning very much, 'you are both very young. It's all +nonsense. Let there be an end of the nonsense. Take away those letters, +and throw them in the fire. Give me Miss Spenlow's letters to throw in +the fire; and although our future intercourse must, you are aware, be +restricted to the Commons here, we will agree to make no further mention +of the past. Come, Mr. Copperfield, you don't want sense; and this is +the sensible course.' + +No. I couldn't think of agreeing to it. I was very sorry, but there +was a higher consideration than sense. Love was above all earthly +considerations, and I loved Dora to idolatry, and Dora loved me. I +didn't exactly say so; I softened it down as much as I could; but I +implied it, and I was resolute upon it. I don't think I made myself very +ridiculous, but I know I was resolute. + +'Very well, Mr. Copperfield,' said Mr. Spenlow, 'I must try my influence +with my daughter.' + +Miss Murdstone, by an expressive sound, a long drawn respiration, which +was neither a sigh nor a moan, but was like both, gave it as her opinion +that he should have done this at first. + +'I must try,' said Mr. Spenlow, confirmed by this support, 'my +influence with my daughter. Do you decline to take those letters, Mr. +Copperfield?' For I had laid them on the table. + +Yes. I told him I hoped he would not think it wrong, but I couldn't +possibly take them from Miss Murdstone. + +'Nor from me?' said Mr. Spenlow. + +No, I replied with the profoundest respect; nor from him. + +'Very well!' said Mr. Spenlow. + +A silence succeeding, I was undecided whether to go or stay. At length +I was moving quietly towards the door, with the intention of saying that +perhaps I should consult his feelings best by withdrawing: when he said, +with his hands in his coat pockets, into which it was as much as he +could do to get them; and with what I should call, upon the whole, a +decidedly pious air: + +'You are probably aware, Mr. Copperfield, that I am not altogether +destitute of worldly possessions, and that my daughter is my nearest and +dearest relative?' + +I hurriedly made him a reply to the effect, that I hoped the error into +which I had been betrayed by the desperate nature of my love, did not +induce him to think me mercenary too? + +'I don't allude to the matter in that light,' said Mr. Spenlow. 'It +would be better for yourself, and all of us, if you WERE mercenary, Mr. +Copperfield--I mean, if you were more discreet and less influenced by +all this youthful nonsense. No. I merely say, with quite another view, +you are probably aware I have some property to bequeath to my child?' + +I certainly supposed so. + +'And you can hardly think,' said Mr. Spenlow, 'having experience of what +we see, in the Commons here, every day, of the various unaccountable +and negligent proceedings of men, in respect of their testamentary +arrangements--of all subjects, the one on which perhaps the strangest +revelations of human inconsistency are to be met with--but that mine are +made?' + +I inclined my head in acquiescence. + +'I should not allow,' said Mr. Spenlow, with an evident increase of +pious sentiment, and slowly shaking his head as he poised himself upon +his toes and heels alternately, 'my suitable provision for my child to +be influenced by a piece of youthful folly like the present. It is mere +folly. Mere nonsense. In a little while, it will weigh lighter than +any feather. But I might--I might--if this silly business were not +completely relinquished altogether, be induced in some anxious moment +to guard her from, and surround her with protections against, the +consequences of any foolish step in the way of marriage. Now, Mr. +Copperfield, I hope that you will not render it necessary for me to +open, even for a quarter of an hour, that closed page in the book of +life, and unsettle, even for a quarter of an hour, grave affairs long +since composed.' + +There was a serenity, a tranquillity, a calm sunset air about him, which +quite affected me. He was so peaceful and resigned--clearly had his +affairs in such perfect train, and so systematically wound up--that he +was a man to feel touched in the contemplation of. I really think I saw +tears rise to his eyes, from the depth of his own feeling of all this. + +But what could I do? I could not deny Dora and my own heart. When he +told me I had better take a week to consider of what he had said, how +could I say I wouldn't take a week, yet how could I fail to know that no +amount of weeks could influence such love as mine? + +'In the meantime, confer with Miss Trotwood, or with any person with +any knowledge of life,' said Mr. Spenlow, adjusting his cravat with both +hands. 'Take a week, Mr. Copperfield.' + +I submitted; and, with a countenance as expressive as I was able to +make it of dejected and despairing constancy, came out of the room. Miss +Murdstone's heavy eyebrows followed me to the door--I say her eyebrows +rather than her eyes, because they were much more important in her +face--and she looked so exactly as she used to look, at about that +hour of the morning, in our parlour at Blunderstone, that I could have +fancied I had been breaking down in my lessons again, and that the +dead weight on my mind was that horrible old spelling-book, with +oval woodcuts, shaped, to my youthful fancy, like the glasses out of +spectacles. + +When I got to the office, and, shutting out old Tiffey and the rest of +them with my hands, sat at my desk, in my own particular nook, thinking +of this earthquake that had taken place so unexpectedly, and in the +bitterness of my spirit cursing Jip, I fell into such a state of torment +about Dora, that I wonder I did not take up my hat and rush insanely to +Norwood. The idea of their frightening her, and making her cry, and of +my not being there to comfort her, was so excruciating, that it impelled +me to write a wild letter to Mr. Spenlow, beseeching him not to visit +upon her the consequences of my awful destiny. I implored him to spare +her gentle nature--not to crush a fragile flower--and addressed him +generally, to the best of my remembrance, as if, instead of being her +father, he had been an Ogre, or the Dragon of Wantley. This letter I +sealed and laid upon his desk before he returned; and when he came in, +I saw him, through the half-opened door of his room, take it up and read +it. + +He said nothing about it all the morning; but before he went away in the +afternoon he called me in, and told me that I need not make myself at +all uneasy about his daughter's happiness. He had assured her, he said, +that it was all nonsense; and he had nothing more to say to her. He +believed he was an indulgent father (as indeed he was), and I might +spare myself any solicitude on her account. + +'You may make it necessary, if you are foolish or obstinate, Mr. +Copperfield,' he observed, 'for me to send my daughter abroad again, +for a term; but I have a better opinion of you. I hope you will be wiser +than that, in a few days. As to Miss Murdstone,' for I had alluded to +her in the letter, 'I respect that lady's vigilance, and feel obliged to +her; but she has strict charge to avoid the subject. All I desire, Mr. +Copperfield, is, that it should be forgotten. All you have got to do, +Mr. Copperfield, is to forget it.' + +All! In the note I wrote to Miss Mills, I bitterly quoted this +sentiment. All I had to do, I said, with gloomy sarcasm, was to forget +Dora. That was all, and what was that! I entreated Miss Mills to see +me, that evening. If it could not be done with Mr. Mills's sanction +and concurrence, I besought a clandestine interview in the back kitchen +where the Mangle was. I informed her that my reason was tottering on +its throne, and only she, Miss Mills, could prevent its being deposed. +I signed myself, hers distractedly; and I couldn't help feeling, while +I read this composition over, before sending it by a porter, that it was +something in the style of Mr. Micawber. + +However, I sent it. At night I repaired to Miss Mills's street, and +walked up and down, until I was stealthily fetched in by Miss Mills's +maid, and taken the area way to the back kitchen. I have since seen +reason to believe that there was nothing on earth to prevent my going in +at the front door, and being shown up into the drawing-room, except Miss +Mills's love of the romantic and mysterious. + +In the back kitchen, I raved as became me. I went there, I suppose, +to make a fool of myself, and I am quite sure I did it. Miss Mills had +received a hasty note from Dora, telling her that all was discovered, +and saying. 'Oh pray come to me, Julia, do, do!' But Miss Mills, +mistrusting the acceptability of her presence to the higher powers, had +not yet gone; and we were all benighted in the Desert of Sahara. + +Miss Mills had a wonderful flow of words, and liked to pour them out. I +could not help feeling, though she mingled her tears with mine, that she +had a dreadful luxury in our afflictions. She petted them, as I may say, +and made the most of them. A deep gulf, she observed, had opened between +Dora and me, and Love could only span it with its rainbow. Love must +suffer in this stern world; it ever had been so, it ever would be so. No +matter, Miss Mills remarked. Hearts confined by cobwebs would burst at +last, and then Love was avenged. + +This was small consolation, but Miss Mills wouldn't encourage fallacious +hopes. She made me much more wretched than I was before, and I felt (and +told her with the deepest gratitude) that she was indeed a friend. We +resolved that she should go to Dora the first thing in the morning, +and find some means of assuring her, either by looks or words, of my +devotion and misery. We parted, overwhelmed with grief; and I think Miss +Mills enjoyed herself completely. + +I confided all to my aunt when I got home; and in spite of all she could +say to me, went to bed despairing. I got up despairing, and went out +despairing. It was Saturday morning, and I went straight to the Commons. + +I was surprised, when I came within sight of our office-door, to see the +ticket-porters standing outside talking together, and some half-dozen +stragglers gazing at the windows which were shut up. I quickened my +pace, and, passing among them, wondering at their looks, went hurriedly +in. + +The clerks were there, but nobody was doing anything. Old Tiffey, for +the first time in his life I should think, was sitting on somebody +else's stool, and had not hung up his hat. + +'This is a dreadful calamity, Mr. Copperfield,' said he, as I entered. + +'What is?' I exclaimed. 'What's the matter?' + +'Don't you know?' cried Tiffey, and all the rest of them, coming round +me. + +'No!' said I, looking from face to face. + +'Mr. Spenlow,' said Tiffey. + +'What about him!' + +'Dead!' I thought it was the office reeling, and not I, as one of +the clerks caught hold of me. They sat me down in a chair, untied my +neck-cloth, and brought me some water. I have no idea whether this took +any time. + +'Dead?' said I. + +'He dined in town yesterday, and drove down in the phaeton by himself,' +said Tiffey, 'having sent his own groom home by the coach, as he +sometimes did, you know--' + +'Well?' + +'The phaeton went home without him. The horses stopped at the +stable-gate. The man went out with a lantern. Nobody in the carriage.' + +'Had they run away?' + +'They were not hot,' said Tiffey, putting on his glasses; 'no hotter, I +understand, than they would have been, going down at the usual pace. The +reins were broken, but they had been dragging on the ground. The house +was roused up directly, and three of them went out along the road. They +found him a mile off.' + +'More than a mile off, Mr. Tiffey,' interposed a junior. + +'Was it? I believe you are right,' said Tiffey,--'more than a mile +off--not far from the church--lying partly on the roadside, and partly +on the path, upon his face. Whether he fell out in a fit, or got out, +feeling ill before the fit came on--or even whether he was quite dead +then, though there is no doubt he was quite insensible--no one appears +to know. If he breathed, certainly he never spoke. Medical assistance +was got as soon as possible, but it was quite useless.' + +I cannot describe the state of mind into which I was thrown by this +intelligence. The shock of such an event happening so suddenly, and +happening to one with whom I had been in any respect at variance--the +appalling vacancy in the room he had occupied so lately, where his chair +and table seemed to wait for him, and his handwriting of yesterday was +like a ghost--the indefinable impossibility of separating him from the +place, and feeling, when the door opened, as if he might come in--the +lazy hush and rest there was in the office, and the insatiable relish +with which our people talked about it, and other people came in and +out all day, and gorged themselves with the subject--this is easily +intelligible to anyone. What I cannot describe is, how, in the innermost +recesses of my own heart, I had a lurking jealousy even of Death. How +I felt as if its might would push me from my ground in Dora's thoughts. +How I was, in a grudging way I have no words for, envious of her grief. +How it made me restless to think of her weeping to others, or being +consoled by others. How I had a grasping, avaricious wish to shut out +everybody from her but myself, and to be all in all to her, at that +unseasonable time of all times. + +In the trouble of this state of mind--not exclusively my own, I hope, +but known to others--I went down to Norwood that night; and finding from +one of the servants, when I made my inquiries at the door, that Miss +Mills was there, got my aunt to direct a letter to her, which I wrote. +I deplored the untimely death of Mr. Spenlow, most sincerely, and shed +tears in doing so. I entreated her to tell Dora, if Dora were in a +state to hear it, that he had spoken to me with the utmost kindness and +consideration; and had coupled nothing but tenderness, not a single or +reproachful word, with her name. I know I did this selfishly, to have my +name brought before her; but I tried to believe it was an act of justice +to his memory. Perhaps I did believe it. + +My aunt received a few lines next day in reply; addressed, outside, to +her; within, to me. Dora was overcome by grief; and when her friend had +asked her should she send her love to me, had only cried, as she was +always crying, 'Oh, dear papa! oh, poor papa!' But she had not said No, +and that I made the most of. + +Mr. Jorkins, who had been at Norwood since the occurrence, came to the +office a few days afterwards. He and Tiffey were closeted together for +some few moments, and then Tiffey looked out at the door and beckoned me +in. + +'Oh!' said Mr. Jorkins. 'Mr. Tiffey and myself, Mr. Copperfield, are +about to examine the desks, the drawers, and other such repositories +of the deceased, with the view of sealing up his private papers, and +searching for a Will. There is no trace of any, elsewhere. It may be as +well for you to assist us, if you please.' + +I had been in agony to obtain some knowledge of the circumstances +in which my Dora would be placed--as, in whose guardianship, and so +forth--and this was something towards it. We began the search at once; +Mr. Jorkins unlocking the drawers and desks, and we all taking out the +papers. The office-papers we placed on one side, and the private papers +(which were not numerous) on the other. We were very grave; and when we +came to a stray seal, or pencil-case, or ring, or any little article of +that kind which we associated personally with him, we spoke very low. + +We had sealed up several packets; and were still going on dustily and +quietly, when Mr. Jorkins said to us, applying exactly the same words to +his late partner as his late partner had applied to him: + +'Mr. Spenlow was very difficult to move from the beaten track. You know +what he was! I am disposed to think he had made no will.' + +'Oh, I know he had!' said I. + +They both stopped and looked at me. 'On the very day when I last saw +him,' said I, 'he told me that he had, and that his affairs were long +since settled.' + +Mr. Jorkins and old Tiffey shook their heads with one accord. + +'That looks unpromising,' said Tiffey. + +'Very unpromising,' said Mr. Jorkins. + +'Surely you don't doubt--' I began. + +'My good Mr. Copperfield!' said Tiffey, laying his hand upon my arm, and +shutting up both his eyes as he shook his head: 'if you had been in the +Commons as long as I have, you would know that there is no subject on +which men are so inconsistent, and so little to be trusted.' + +'Why, bless my soul, he made that very remark!' I replied persistently. + +'I should call that almost final,' observed Tiffey. 'My opinion is--no +will.' + +It appeared a wonderful thing to me, but it turned out that there was +no will. He had never so much as thought of making one, so far as his +papers afforded any evidence; for there was no kind of hint, sketch, or +memorandum, of any testamentary intention whatever. What was scarcely +less astonishing to me, was, that his affairs were in a most disordered +state. It was extremely difficult, I heard, to make out what he owed, or +what he had paid, or of what he died possessed. It was considered likely +that for years he could have had no clear opinion on these subjects +himself. By little and little it came out, that, in the competition on +all points of appearance and gentility then running high in the Commons, +he had spent more than his professional income, which was not a very +large one, and had reduced his private means, if they ever had been +great (which was exceedingly doubtful), to a very low ebb indeed. There +was a sale of the furniture and lease, at Norwood; and Tiffey told me, +little thinking how interested I was in the story, that, paying all the +just debts of the deceased, and deducting his share of outstanding bad +and doubtful debts due to the firm, he wouldn't give a thousand pounds +for all the assets remaining. + +This was at the expiration of about six weeks. I had suffered tortures +all the time; and thought I really must have laid violent hands upon +myself, when Miss Mills still reported to me, that my broken-hearted +little Dora would say nothing, when I was mentioned, but 'Oh, poor papa! +Oh, dear papa!' Also, that she had no other relations than two aunts, +maiden sisters of Mr. Spenlow, who lived at Putney, and who had not held +any other than chance communication with their brother for many years. +Not that they had ever quarrelled (Miss Mills informed me); but that +having been, on the occasion of Dora's christening, invited to tea, when +they considered themselves privileged to be invited to dinner, they +had expressed their opinion in writing, that it was 'better for the +happiness of all parties' that they should stay away. Since which they +had gone their road, and their brother had gone his. + +These two ladies now emerged from their retirement, and proposed to +take Dora to live at Putney. Dora, clinging to them both, and weeping, +exclaimed, 'O yes, aunts! Please take Julia Mills and me and Jip to +Putney!' So they went, very soon after the funeral. + +How I found time to haunt Putney, I am sure I don't know; but I +contrived, by some means or other, to prowl about the neighbourhood +pretty often. Miss Mills, for the more exact discharge of the duties of +friendship, kept a journal; and she used to meet me sometimes, on the +Common, and read it, or (if she had not time to do that) lend it to me. +How I treasured up the entries, of which I subjoin a sample--! + +'Monday. My sweet D. still much depressed. Headache. Called attention to +J. as being beautifully sleek. D. fondled J. Associations thus awakened, +opened floodgates of sorrow. Rush of grief admitted. (Are tears the +dewdrops of the heart? J. M.) + +'Tuesday. D. weak and nervous. Beautiful in pallor. (Do we not remark +this in moon likewise? J. M.) D., J. M. and J. took airing in carriage. +J. looking out of window, and barking violently at dustman, occasioned +smile to overspread features of D. (Of such slight links is chain of +life composed! J. M.) + +'Wednesday. D. comparatively cheerful. Sang to her, as congenial melody, +"Evening Bells". Effect not soothing, but reverse. D. inexpressibly +affected. Found sobbing afterwards, in own room. Quoted verses +respecting self and young Gazelle. Ineffectually. Also referred to +Patience on Monument. (Qy. Why on monument? J. M.) + +'Thursday. D. certainly improved. Better night. Slight tinge of damask +revisiting cheek. Resolved to mention name of D. C. Introduced same, +cautiously, in course of airing. D. immediately overcome. "Oh, dear, +dear Julia! Oh, I have been a naughty and undutiful child!" Soothed +and caressed. Drew ideal picture of D. C. on verge of tomb. D. again +overcome. "Oh, what shall I do, what shall I do? Oh, take me somewhere!" +Much alarmed. Fainting of D. and glass of water from public-house. +(Poetical affinity. Chequered sign on door-post; chequered human life. +Alas! J. M.) + +'Friday. Day of incident. Man appears in kitchen, with blue bag, "for +lady's boots left out to heel". Cook replies, "No such orders." Man +argues point. Cook withdraws to inquire, leaving man alone with J. On +Cook's return, man still argues point, but ultimately goes. J. missing. +D. distracted. Information sent to police. Man to be identified by +broad nose, and legs like balustrades of bridge. Search made in +every direction. No J. D. weeping bitterly, and inconsolable. Renewed +reference to young Gazelle. Appropriate, but unavailing. Towards +evening, strange boy calls. Brought into parlour. Broad nose, but no +balustrades. Says he wants a pound, and knows a dog. Declines to explain +further, though much pressed. Pound being produced by D. takes Cook +to little house, where J. alone tied up to leg of table. Joy of D. +who dances round J. while he eats his supper. Emboldened by this happy +change, mention D. C. upstairs. D. weeps afresh, cries piteously, "Oh, +don't, don't, don't! It is so wicked to think of anything but poor +papa!"--embraces J. and sobs herself to sleep. (Must not D. C. confine +himself to the broad pinions of Time? J. M.)' + +Miss Mills and her journal were my sole consolation at this period. +To see her, who had seen Dora but a little while before--to trace the +initial letter of Dora's name through her sympathetic pages--to be made +more and more miserable by her--were my only comforts. I felt as if I +had been living in a palace of cards, which had tumbled down, leaving +only Miss Mills and me among the ruins; I felt as if some grim enchanter +had drawn a magic circle round the innocent goddess of my heart, which +nothing indeed but those same strong pinions, capable of carrying so +many people over so much, would enable me to enter! + + + +CHAPTER 39. WICKFIELD AND HEEP + + +My aunt, beginning, I imagine, to be made seriously uncomfortable by my +prolonged dejection, made a pretence of being anxious that I should go +to Dover, to see that all was working well at the cottage, which was +let; and to conclude an agreement, with the same tenant, for a longer +term of occupation. Janet was drafted into the service of Mrs. Strong, +where I saw her every day. She had been undecided, on leaving Dover, +whether or no to give the finishing touch to that renunciation of +mankind in which she had been educated, by marrying a pilot; but she +decided against that venture. Not so much for the sake of principle, I +believe, as because she happened not to like him. + +Although it required an effort to leave Miss Mills, I fell rather +willingly into my aunt's pretence, as a means of enabling me to pass a +few tranquil hours with Agnes. I consulted the good Doctor relative +to an absence of three days; and the Doctor wishing me to take that +relaxation,--he wished me to take more; but my energy could not bear +that,--I made up my mind to go. + +As to the Commons, I had no great occasion to be particular about my +duties in that quarter. To say the truth, we were getting in no very +good odour among the tip-top proctors, and were rapidly sliding down +to but a doubtful position. The business had been indifferent under Mr. +Jorkins, before Mr. Spenlow's time; and although it had been quickened +by the infusion of new blood, and by the display which Mr. Spenlow made, +still it was not established on a sufficiently strong basis to bear, +without being shaken, such a blow as the sudden loss of its active +manager. It fell off very much. Mr. Jorkins, notwithstanding his +reputation in the firm, was an easy-going, incapable sort of man, whose +reputation out of doors was not calculated to back it up. I was turned +over to him now, and when I saw him take his snuff and let the business +go, I regretted my aunt's thousand pounds more than ever. + +But this was not the worst of it. There were a number of hangers-on and +outsiders about the Commons, who, without being proctors themselves, +dabbled in common-form business, and got it done by real proctors, who +lent their names in consideration of a share in the spoil;--and there +were a good many of these too. As our house now wanted business on any +terms, we joined this noble band; and threw out lures to the hangers-on +and outsiders, to bring their business to us. Marriage licences and +small probates were what we all looked for, and what paid us best; +and the competition for these ran very high indeed. Kidnappers and +inveiglers were planted in all the avenues of entrance to the Commons, +with instructions to do their utmost to cut off all persons in mourning, +and all gentlemen with anything bashful in their appearance, and entice +them to the offices in which their respective employers were interested; +which instructions were so well observed, that I myself, before I was +known by sight, was twice hustled into the premises of our principal +opponent. The conflicting interests of these touting gentlemen being of +a nature to irritate their feelings, personal collisions took place; +and the Commons was even scandalized by our principal inveigler (who +had formerly been in the wine trade, and afterwards in the sworn brokery +line) walking about for some days with a black eye. Any one of these +scouts used to think nothing of politely assisting an old lady in +black out of a vehicle, killing any proctor whom she inquired for, +representing his employer as the lawful successor and representative of +that proctor, and bearing the old lady off (sometimes greatly affected) +to his employer's office. Many captives were brought to me in this way. +As to marriage licences, the competition rose to such a pitch, that a +shy gentleman in want of one, had nothing to do but submit himself +to the first inveigler, or be fought for, and become the prey of the +strongest. One of our clerks, who was an outsider, used, in the height +of this contest, to sit with his hat on, that he might be ready to rush +out and swear before a surrogate any victim who was brought in. The +system of inveigling continues, I believe, to this day. The last time I +was in the Commons, a civil able-bodied person in a white apron pounced +out upon me from a doorway, and whispering the word 'Marriage-licence' +in my ear, was with great difficulty prevented from taking me up in +his arms and lifting me into a proctor's. From this digression, let me +proceed to Dover. + +I found everything in a satisfactory state at the cottage; and was +enabled to gratify my aunt exceedingly by reporting that the tenant +inherited her feud, and waged incessant war against donkeys. Having +settled the little business I had to transact there, and slept there one +night, I walked on to Canterbury early in the morning. It was now +winter again; and the fresh, cold windy day, and the sweeping downland, +brightened up my hopes a little. + +Coming into Canterbury, I loitered through the old streets with a sober +pleasure that calmed my spirits, and eased my heart. There were the old +signs, the old names over the shops, the old people serving in them. It +appeared so long, since I had been a schoolboy there, that I wondered +the place was so little changed, until I reflected how little I +was changed myself. Strange to say, that quiet influence which was +inseparable in my mind from Agnes, seemed to pervade even the city where +she dwelt. The venerable cathedral towers, and the old jackdaws and +rooks whose airy voices made them more retired than perfect silence +would have done; the battered gateways, one stuck full with statues, +long thrown down, and crumbled away, like the reverential pilgrims +who had gazed upon them; the still nooks, where the ivied growth of +centuries crept over gabled ends and ruined walls; the ancient houses, +the pastoral landscape of field, orchard, and garden; everywhere--on +everything--I felt the same serener air, the same calm, thoughtful, +softening spirit. + +Arrived at Mr. Wickfield's house, I found, in the little lower room on +the ground floor, where Uriah Heep had been of old accustomed to sit, +Mr. Micawber plying his pen with great assiduity. He was dressed in a +legal-looking suit of black, and loomed, burly and large, in that small +office. + +Mr. Micawber was extremely glad to see me, but a little confused too. +He would have conducted me immediately into the presence of Uriah, but I +declined. + +'I know the house of old, you recollect,' said I, 'and will find my way +upstairs. How do you like the law, Mr. Micawber?' + +'My dear Copperfield,' he replied. 'To a man possessed of the higher +imaginative powers, the objection to legal studies is the amount of +detail which they involve. Even in our professional correspondence,' +said Mr. Micawber, glancing at some letters he was writing, 'the mind is +not at liberty to soar to any exalted form of expression. Still, it is a +great pursuit. A great pursuit!' + +He then told me that he had become the tenant of Uriah Heep's old house; +and that Mrs. Micawber would be delighted to receive me, once more, +under her own roof. + +'It is humble,' said Mr. Micawber, '--to quote a favourite expression +of my friend Heep; but it may prove the stepping-stone to more ambitious +domiciliary accommodation.' + +I asked him whether he had reason, so far, to be satisfied with his +friend Heep's treatment of him? He got up to ascertain if the door were +close shut, before he replied, in a lower voice: + +'My dear Copperfield, a man who labours under the pressure of pecuniary +embarrassments, is, with the generality of people, at a disadvantage. +That disadvantage is not diminished, when that pressure necessitates the +drawing of stipendiary emoluments, before those emoluments are strictly +due and payable. All I can say is, that my friend Heep has responded +to appeals to which I need not more particularly refer, in a manner +calculated to redound equally to the honour of his head, and of his +heart.' + +'I should not have supposed him to be very free with his money either,' +I observed. + +'Pardon me!' said Mr. Micawber, with an air of constraint, 'I speak of +my friend Heep as I have experience.' + +'I am glad your experience is so favourable,' I returned. + +'You are very obliging, my dear Copperfield,' said Mr. Micawber; and +hummed a tune. + +'Do you see much of Mr. Wickfield?' I asked, to change the subject. + +'Not much,' said Mr. Micawber, slightingly. 'Mr. Wickfield is, I dare +say, a man of very excellent intentions; but he is--in short, he is +obsolete.' + +'I am afraid his partner seeks to make him so,' said I. + +'My dear Copperfield!' returned Mr. Micawber, after some uneasy +evolutions on his stool, 'allow me to offer a remark! I am here, in +a capacity of confidence. I am here, in a position of trust. The +discussion of some topics, even with Mrs. Micawber herself (so long the +partner of my various vicissitudes, and a woman of a remarkable lucidity +of intellect), is, I am led to consider, incompatible with the functions +now devolving on me. I would therefore take the liberty of suggesting +that in our friendly intercourse--which I trust will never be +disturbed!--we draw a line. On one side of this line,' said Mr. +Micawber, representing it on the desk with the office ruler, 'is the +whole range of the human intellect, with a trifling exception; on +the other, IS that exception; that is to say, the affairs of Messrs +Wickfield and Heep, with all belonging and appertaining thereunto. I +trust I give no offence to the companion of my youth, in submitting this +proposition to his cooler judgement?' + +Though I saw an uneasy change in Mr. Micawber, which sat tightly on +him, as if his new duties were a misfit, I felt I had no right to be +offended. My telling him so, appeared to relieve him; and he shook hands +with me. + +'I am charmed, Copperfield,' said Mr. Micawber, 'let me assure you, with +Miss Wickfield. She is a very superior young lady, of very remarkable +attractions, graces, and virtues. Upon my honour,' said Mr. Micawber, +indefinitely kissing his hand and bowing with his genteelest air, 'I do +Homage to Miss Wickfield! Hem!' 'I am glad of that, at least,' said I. + +'If you had not assured us, my dear Copperfield, on the occasion of that +agreeable afternoon we had the happiness of passing with you, that D. +was your favourite letter,' said Mr. Micawber, 'I should unquestionably +have supposed that A. had been so.' + +We have all some experience of a feeling, that comes over us +occasionally, of what we are saying and doing having been said and done +before, in a remote time--of our having been surrounded, dim ages ago, +by the same faces, objects, and circumstances--of our knowing perfectly +what will be said next, as if we suddenly remembered it! I never had +this mysterious impression more strongly in my life, than before he +uttered those words. + +I took my leave of Mr. Micawber, for the time, charging him with my best +remembrances to all at home. As I left him, resuming his stool and his +pen, and rolling his head in his stock, to get it into easier writing +order, I clearly perceived that there was something interposed between +him and me, since he had come into his new functions, which prevented +our getting at each other as we used to do, and quite altered the +character of our intercourse. + +There was no one in the quaint old drawing-room, though it presented +tokens of Mrs. Heep's whereabouts. I looked into the room still +belonging to Agnes, and saw her sitting by the fire, at a pretty +old-fashioned desk she had, writing. + +My darkening the light made her look up. What a pleasure to be the cause +of that bright change in her attentive face, and the object of that +sweet regard and welcome! + +'Ah, Agnes!' said I, when we were sitting together, side by side; 'I +have missed you so much, lately!' + +'Indeed?' she replied. 'Again! And so soon?' + +I shook my head. + +'I don't know how it is, Agnes; I seem to want some faculty of mind that +I ought to have. You were so much in the habit of thinking for me, in +the happy old days here, and I came so naturally to you for counsel and +support, that I really think I have missed acquiring it.' + +'And what is it?' said Agnes, cheerfully. + +'I don't know what to call it,' I replied. 'I think I am earnest and +persevering?' + +'I am sure of it,' said Agnes. + +'And patient, Agnes?' I inquired, with a little hesitation. + +'Yes,' returned Agnes, laughing. 'Pretty well.' + +'And yet,' said I, 'I get so miserable and worried, and am so unsteady +and irresolute in my power of assuring myself, that I know I must +want--shall I call it--reliance, of some kind?' + +'Call it so, if you will,' said Agnes. + +'Well!' I returned. 'See here! You come to London, I rely on you, and I +have an object and a course at once. I am driven out of it, I come +here, and in a moment I feel an altered person. The circumstances that +distressed me are not changed, since I came into this room; but an +influence comes over me in that short interval that alters me, oh, how +much for the better! What is it? What is your secret, Agnes?' + +Her head was bent down, looking at the fire. + +'It's the old story,' said I. 'Don't laugh, when I say it was always +the same in little things as it is in greater ones. My old troubles were +nonsense, and now they are serious; but whenever I have gone away from +my adopted sister--' + +Agnes looked up--with such a Heavenly face!--and gave me her hand, which +I kissed. + +'Whenever I have not had you, Agnes, to advise and approve in the +beginning, I have seemed to go wild, and to get into all sorts of +difficulty. When I have come to you, at last (as I have always done), +I have come to peace and happiness. I come home, now, like a tired +traveller, and find such a blessed sense of rest!' + +I felt so deeply what I said, it affected me so sincerely, that my voice +failed, and I covered my face with my hand, and broke into tears. I +write the truth. Whatever contradictions and inconsistencies there were +within me, as there are within so many of us; whatever might have been +so different, and so much better; whatever I had done, in which I had +perversely wandered away from the voice of my own heart; I knew nothing +of. I only knew that I was fervently in earnest, when I felt the rest +and peace of having Agnes near me. + +In her placid sisterly manner; with her beaming eyes; with her tender +voice; and with that sweet composure, which had long ago made the house +that held her quite a sacred place to me; she soon won me from this +weakness, and led me on to tell all that had happened since our last +meeting. + +'And there is not another word to tell, Agnes,' said I, when I had made +an end of my confidence. 'Now, my reliance is on you.' + +'But it must not be on me, Trotwood,' returned Agnes, with a pleasant +smile. 'It must be on someone else.' + +'On Dora?' said I. + +'Assuredly.' + +'Why, I have not mentioned, Agnes,' said I, a little embarrassed, 'that +Dora is rather difficult to--I would not, for the world, say, to rely +upon, because she is the soul of purity and truth--but rather difficult +to--I hardly know how to express it, really, Agnes. She is a timid +little thing, and easily disturbed and frightened. Some time ago, before +her father's death, when I thought it right to mention to her--but I'll +tell you, if you will bear with me, how it was.' + +Accordingly, I told Agnes about my declaration of poverty, about the +cookery-book, the housekeeping accounts, and all the rest of it. + +'Oh, Trotwood!' she remonstrated, with a smile. 'Just your old headlong +way! You might have been in earnest in striving to get on in the world, +without being so very sudden with a timid, loving, inexperienced girl. +Poor Dora!' + +I never heard such sweet forbearing kindness expressed in a voice, +as she expressed in making this reply. It was as if I had seen her +admiringly and tenderly embracing Dora, and tacitly reproving me, by +her considerate protection, for my hot haste in fluttering that little +heart. It was as if I had seen Dora, in all her fascinating artlessness, +caressing Agnes, and thanking her, and coaxingly appealing against me, +and loving me with all her childish innocence. + +I felt so grateful to Agnes, and admired her so! I saw those two +together, in a bright perspective, such well-associated friends, each +adorning the other so much! + +'What ought I to do then, Agnes?' I inquired, after looking at the fire +a little while. 'What would it be right to do?' + +'I think,' said Agnes, 'that the honourable course to take, would be to +write to those two ladies. Don't you think that any secret course is an +unworthy one?' + +'Yes. If YOU think so,' said I. + +'I am poorly qualified to judge of such matters,' replied Agnes, with +a modest hesitation, 'but I certainly feel--in short, I feel that your +being secret and clandestine, is not being like yourself.' + +'Like myself, in the too high opinion you have of me, Agnes, I am +afraid,' said I. + +'Like yourself, in the candour of your nature,' she returned; 'and +therefore I would write to those two ladies. I would relate, as plainly +and as openly as possible, all that has taken place; and I would ask +their permission to visit sometimes, at their house. Considering that +you are young, and striving for a place in life, I think it would be +well to say that you would readily abide by any conditions they might +impose upon you. I would entreat them not to dismiss your request, +without a reference to Dora; and to discuss it with her when they should +think the time suitable. I would not be too vehement,' said Agnes, +gently, 'or propose too much. I would trust to my fidelity and +perseverance--and to Dora.' + +'But if they were to frighten Dora again, Agnes, by speaking to her,' +said I. 'And if Dora were to cry, and say nothing about me!' + +'Is that likely?' inquired Agnes, with the same sweet consideration in +her face. + +'God bless her, she is as easily scared as a bird,' said I. 'It might +be! Or if the two Miss Spenlows (elderly ladies of that sort are odd +characters sometimes) should not be likely persons to address in that +way!' + +'I don't think, Trotwood,' returned Agnes, raising her soft eyes +to mine, 'I would consider that. Perhaps it would be better only to +consider whether it is right to do this; and, if it is, to do it.' + +I had no longer any doubt on the subject. With a lightened heart, though +with a profound sense of the weighty importance of my task, I devoted +the whole afternoon to the composition of the draft of this letter; for +which great purpose, Agnes relinquished her desk to me. But first I went +downstairs to see Mr. Wickfield and Uriah Heep. + +I found Uriah in possession of a new, plaster-smelling office, built out +in the garden; looking extraordinarily mean, in the midst of a quantity +of books and papers. He received me in his usual fawning way, and +pretended not to have heard of my arrival from Mr. Micawber; a +pretence I took the liberty of disbelieving. He accompanied me into Mr. +Wickfield's room, which was the shadow of its former self--having been +divested of a variety of conveniences, for the accommodation of the new +partner--and stood before the fire, warming his back, and shaving his +chin with his bony hand, while Mr. Wickfield and I exchanged greetings. + +'You stay with us, Trotwood, while you remain in Canterbury?' said Mr. +Wickfield, not without a glance at Uriah for his approval. + +'Is there room for me?' said I. + +'I am sure, Master Copperfield--I should say Mister, but the other +comes so natural,' said Uriah,--'I would turn out of your old room with +pleasure, if it would be agreeable.' + +'No, no,' said Mr. Wickfield. 'Why should you be inconvenienced? There's +another room. There's another room.' 'Oh, but you know,' returned Uriah, +with a grin, 'I should really be delighted!' + +To cut the matter short, I said I would have the other room or none at +all; so it was settled that I should have the other room; and, taking my +leave of the firm until dinner, I went upstairs again. + +I had hoped to have no other companion than Agnes. But Mrs. Heep had +asked permission to bring herself and her knitting near the fire, in +that room; on pretence of its having an aspect more favourable for +her rheumatics, as the wind then was, than the drawing-room or +dining-parlour. Though I could almost have consigned her to the mercies +of the wind on the topmost pinnacle of the Cathedral, without remorse, I +made a virtue of necessity, and gave her a friendly salutation. + +'I'm umbly thankful to you, sir,' said Mrs. Heep, in acknowledgement of +my inquiries concerning her health, 'but I'm only pretty well. I haven't +much to boast of. If I could see my Uriah well settled in life, I +couldn't expect much more I think. How do you think my Ury looking, +sir?' + +I thought him looking as villainous as ever, and I replied that I saw no +change in him. + +'Oh, don't you think he's changed?' said Mrs. Heep. 'There I must umbly +beg leave to differ from you. Don't you see a thinness in him?' + +'Not more than usual,' I replied. + +'Don't you though!' said Mrs. Heep. 'But you don't take notice of him +with a mother's eye!' + +His mother's eye was an evil eye to the rest of the world, I thought as +it met mine, howsoever affectionate to him; and I believe she and her +son were devoted to one another. It passed me, and went on to Agnes. + +'Don't YOU see a wasting and a wearing in him, Miss Wickfield?' inquired +Mrs. Heep. + +'No,' said Agnes, quietly pursuing the work on which she was engaged. +'You are too solicitous about him. He is very well.' + +Mrs. Heep, with a prodigious sniff, resumed her knitting. + +She never left off, or left us for a moment. I had arrived early in the +day, and we had still three or four hours before dinner; but she sat +there, plying her knitting-needles as monotonously as an hour-glass +might have poured out its sands. She sat on one side of the fire; I sat +at the desk in front of it; a little beyond me, on the other side, sat +Agnes. Whensoever, slowly pondering over my letter, I lifted up my +eyes, and meeting the thoughtful face of Agnes, saw it clear, and beam +encouragement upon me, with its own angelic expression, I was conscious +presently of the evil eye passing me, and going on to her, and coming +back to me again, and dropping furtively upon the knitting. What the +knitting was, I don't know, not being learned in that art; but it looked +like a net; and as she worked away with those Chinese chopsticks of +knitting-needles, she showed in the firelight like an ill-looking +enchantress, baulked as yet by the radiant goodness opposite, but +getting ready for a cast of her net by and by. + +At dinner she maintained her watch, with the same unwinking eyes. After +dinner, her son took his turn; and when Mr. Wickfield, himself, and I +were left alone together, leered at me, and writhed until I could hardly +bear it. In the drawing-room, there was the mother knitting and watching +again. All the time that Agnes sang and played, the mother sat at the +piano. Once she asked for a particular ballad, which she said her Ury +(who was yawning in a great chair) doted on; and at intervals she looked +round at him, and reported to Agnes that he was in raptures with the +music. But she hardly ever spoke--I question if she ever did--without +making some mention of him. It was evident to me that this was the duty +assigned to her. + +This lasted until bedtime. To have seen the mother and son, like two +great bats hanging over the whole house, and darkening it with their +ugly forms, made me so uncomfortable, that I would rather have remained +downstairs, knitting and all, than gone to bed. I hardly got any sleep. +Next day the knitting and watching began again, and lasted all day. + +I had not an opportunity of speaking to Agnes, for ten minutes. I could +barely show her my letter. I proposed to her to walk out with me; but +Mrs. Heep repeatedly complaining that she was worse, Agnes charitably +remained within, to bear her company. Towards the twilight I went out +by myself, musing on what I ought to do, and whether I was justified +in withholding from Agnes, any longer, what Uriah Heep had told me in +London; for that began to trouble me again, very much. + +I had not walked out far enough to be quite clear of the town, upon the +Ramsgate road, where there was a good path, when I was hailed, through +the dust, by somebody behind me. The shambling figure, and the scanty +great-coat, were not to be mistaken. I stopped, and Uriah Heep came up. + +'Well?' said I. + +'How fast you walk!' said he. 'My legs are pretty long, but you've given +'em quite a job.' + +'Where are you going?' said I. + +'I am going with you, Master Copperfield, if you'll allow me the +pleasure of a walk with an old acquaintance.' Saying this, with a jerk +of his body, which might have been either propitiatory or derisive, he +fell into step beside me. + +'Uriah!' said I, as civilly as I could, after a silence. + +'Master Copperfield!' said Uriah. + +'To tell you the truth (at which you will not be offended), I came Out +to walk alone, because I have had so much company.' + +He looked at me sideways, and said with his hardest grin, 'You mean +mother.' + +'Why yes, I do,' said I. + +'Ah! But you know we're so very umble,' he returned. 'And having such a +knowledge of our own umbleness, we must really take care that we're not +pushed to the wall by them as isn't umble. All stratagems are fair in +love, sir.' + +Raising his great hands until they touched his chin, he rubbed them +softly, and softly chuckled; looking as like a malevolent baboon, I +thought, as anything human could look. + +'You see,' he said, still hugging himself in that unpleasant way, +and shaking his head at me, 'you're quite a dangerous rival, Master +Copperfield. You always was, you know.' + +'Do you set a watch upon Miss Wickfield, and make her home no home, +because of me?' said I. + +'Oh! Master Copperfield! Those are very arsh words,' he replied. + +'Put my meaning into any words you like,' said I. 'You know what it is, +Uriah, as well as I do.' + +'Oh no! You must put it into words,' he said. 'Oh, really! I couldn't +myself.' + +'Do you suppose,' said I, constraining myself to be very temperate +and quiet with him, on account of Agnes, 'that I regard Miss Wickfield +otherwise than as a very dear sister?' + +'Well, Master Copperfield,' he replied, 'you perceive I am not bound +to answer that question. You may not, you know. But then, you see, you +may!' + +Anything to equal the low cunning of his visage, and of his shadowless +eyes without the ghost of an eyelash, I never saw. + +'Come then!' said I. 'For the sake of Miss Wickfield--' + +'My Agnes!' he exclaimed, with a sickly, angular contortion of himself. +'Would you be so good as call her Agnes, Master Copperfield!' + +'For the sake of Agnes Wickfield--Heaven bless her!' + +'Thank you for that blessing, Master Copperfield!' he interposed. + +'I will tell you what I should, under any other circumstances, as soon +have thought of telling to--Jack Ketch.' + +'To who, sir?' said Uriah, stretching out his neck, and shading his ear +with his hand. + +'To the hangman,' I returned. 'The most unlikely person I could think +of,'--though his own face had suggested the allusion quite as a natural +sequence. 'I am engaged to another young lady. I hope that contents +you.' + +'Upon your soul?' said Uriah. + +I was about indignantly to give my assertion the confirmation he +required, when he caught hold of my hand, and gave it a squeeze. + +'Oh, Master Copperfield!' he said. 'If you had only had the +condescension to return my confidence when I poured out the fulness of +my art, the night I put you so much out of the way by sleeping before +your sitting-room fire, I never should have doubted you. As it is, I'm +sure I'll take off mother directly, and only too appy. I know you'll +excuse the precautions of affection, won't you? What a pity, Master +Copperfield, that you didn't condescend to return my confidence! I'm +sure I gave you every opportunity. But you never have condescended to +me, as much as I could have wished. I know you have never liked me, as I +have liked you!' + +All this time he was squeezing my hand with his damp fishy fingers, +while I made every effort I decently could to get it away. But I was +quite unsuccessful. He drew it under the sleeve of his mulberry-coloured +great-coat, and I walked on, almost upon compulsion, arm-in-arm with +him. + +'Shall we turn?' said Uriah, by and by wheeling me face about towards +the town, on which the early moon was now shining, silvering the distant +windows. + +'Before we leave the subject, you ought to understand,' said I, breaking +a pretty long silence, 'that I believe Agnes Wickfield to be as far +above you, and as far removed from all your aspirations, as that moon +herself!' + +'Peaceful! Ain't she!' said Uriah. 'Very! Now confess, Master +Copperfield, that you haven't liked me quite as I have liked you. All +along you've thought me too umble now, I shouldn't wonder?' + +'I am not fond of professions of humility,' I returned, 'or professions +of anything else.' 'There now!' said Uriah, looking flabby and +lead-coloured in the moonlight. 'Didn't I know it! But how little +you think of the rightful umbleness of a person in my station, Master +Copperfield! Father and me was both brought up at a foundation school +for boys; and mother, she was likewise brought up at a public, sort of +charitable, establishment. They taught us all a deal of umbleness--not +much else that I know of, from morning to night. We was to be umble to +this person, and umble to that; and to pull off our caps here, and +to make bows there; and always to know our place, and abase ourselves +before our betters. And we had such a lot of betters! Father got the +monitor-medal by being umble. So did I. Father got made a sexton by +being umble. He had the character, among the gentlefolks, of being +such a well-behaved man, that they were determined to bring him in. "Be +umble, Uriah," says father to me, "and you'll get on. It was what was +always being dinned into you and me at school; it's what goes down best. +Be umble," says father, "and you'll do!" And really it ain't done bad!' + +It was the first time it had ever occurred to me, that this detestable +cant of false humility might have originated out of the Heep family. I +had seen the harvest, but had never thought of the seed. + +'When I was quite a young boy,' said Uriah, 'I got to know what +umbleness did, and I took to it. I ate umble pie with an appetite. I +stopped at the umble point of my learning, and says I, "Hold hard!" When +you offered to teach me Latin, I knew better. "People like to be above +you," says father, "keep yourself down." I am very umble to the present +moment, Master Copperfield, but I've got a little power!' + +And he said all this--I knew, as I saw his face in the moonlight--that +I might understand he was resolved to recompense himself by using his +power. I had never doubted his meanness, his craft and malice; but I +fully comprehended now, for the first time, what a base, unrelenting, +and revengeful spirit, must have been engendered by this early, and this +long, suppression. + +His account of himself was so far attended with an agreeable result, +that it led to his withdrawing his hand in order that he might have +another hug of himself under the chin. Once apart from him, I was +determined to keep apart; and we walked back, side by side, saying +very little more by the way. Whether his spirits were elevated by the +communication I had made to him, or by his having indulged in this +retrospect, I don't know; but they were raised by some influence. He +talked more at dinner than was usual with him; asked his mother (off +duty, from the moment of our re-entering the house) whether he was not +growing too old for a bachelor; and once looked at Agnes so, that I +would have given all I had, for leave to knock him down. + +When we three males were left alone after dinner, he got into a more +adventurous state. He had taken little or no wine; and I presume it was +the mere insolence of triumph that was upon him, flushed perhaps by the +temptation my presence furnished to its exhibition. + +I had observed yesterday, that he tried to entice Mr. Wickfield to +drink; and, interpreting the look which Agnes had given me as she went +out, had limited myself to one glass, and then proposed that we should +follow her. I would have done so again today; but Uriah was too quick +for me. + +'We seldom see our present visitor, sir,' he said, addressing Mr. +Wickfield, sitting, such a contrast to him, at the end of the table, +'and I should propose to give him welcome in another glass or two +of wine, if you have no objections. Mr. Copperfield, your elth and +appiness!' + +I was obliged to make a show of taking the hand he stretched across +to me; and then, with very different emotions, I took the hand of the +broken gentleman, his partner. + +'Come, fellow-partner,' said Uriah, 'if I may take the liberty,--now, +suppose you give us something or another appropriate to Copperfield!' + +I pass over Mr. Wickfield's proposing my aunt, his proposing Mr. Dick, +his proposing Doctors' Commons, his proposing Uriah, his drinking +everything twice; his consciousness of his own weakness, the ineffectual +effort that he made against it; the struggle between his shame in +Uriah's deportment, and his desire to conciliate him; the manifest +exultation with which Uriah twisted and turned, and held him up before +me. It made me sick at heart to see, and my hand recoils from writing +it. + +'Come, fellow-partner!' said Uriah, at last, 'I'll give you another one, +and I umbly ask for bumpers, seeing I intend to make it the divinest of +her sex.' + +Her father had his empty glass in his hand. I saw him set it down, look +at the picture she was so like, put his hand to his forehead, and shrink +back in his elbow-chair. + +'I'm an umble individual to give you her elth,' proceeded Uriah, 'but I +admire--adore her.' + +No physical pain that her father's grey head could have borne, I think, +could have been more terrible to me, than the mental endurance I saw +compressed now within both his hands. + +'Agnes,' said Uriah, either not regarding him, or not knowing what the +nature of his action was, 'Agnes Wickfield is, I am safe to say, the +divinest of her sex. May I speak out, among friends? To be her father is +a proud distinction, but to be her usband--' + +Spare me from ever again hearing such a cry, as that with which her +father rose up from the table! 'What's the matter?' said Uriah, turning +of a deadly colour. 'You are not gone mad, after all, Mr. Wickfield, I +hope? If I say I've an ambition to make your Agnes my Agnes, I have as +good a right to it as another man. I have a better right to it than any +other man!' + +I had my arms round Mr. Wickfield, imploring him by everything that I +could think of, oftenest of all by his love for Agnes, to calm himself +a little. He was mad for the moment; tearing out his hair, beating his +head, trying to force me from him, and to force himself from me, not +answering a word, not looking at or seeing anyone; blindly striving +for he knew not what, his face all staring and distorted--a frightful +spectacle. + +I conjured him, incoherently, but in the most impassioned manner, not +to abandon himself to this wildness, but to hear me. I besought him to +think of Agnes, to connect me with Agnes, to recollect how Agnes and I +had grown up together, how I honoured her and loved her, how she was his +pride and joy. I tried to bring her idea before him in any form; I even +reproached him with not having firmness to spare her the knowledge of +such a scene as this. I may have effected something, or his wildness may +have spent itself; but by degrees he struggled less, and began to look +at me--strangely at first, then with recognition in his eyes. At length +he said, 'I know, Trotwood! My darling child and you--I know! But look +at him!' + +He pointed to Uriah, pale and glowering in a corner, evidently very much +out in his calculations, and taken by surprise. + +'Look at my torturer,' he replied. 'Before him I have step by step +abandoned name and reputation, peace and quiet, house and home.' + +'I have kept your name and reputation for you, and your peace and +quiet, and your house and home too,' said Uriah, with a sulky, hurried, +defeated air of compromise. 'Don't be foolish, Mr. Wickfield. If I +have gone a little beyond what you were prepared for, I can go back, I +suppose? There's no harm done.' + +'I looked for single motives in everyone,' said Mr. Wickfield, 'and I was +satisfied I had bound him to me by motives of interest. But see what he +is--oh, see what he is!' + +'You had better stop him, Copperfield, if you can,' cried Uriah, +with his long forefinger pointing towards me. 'He'll say something +presently--mind you!--he'll be sorry to have said afterwards, and you'll +be sorry to have heard!' + +'I'll say anything!' cried Mr. Wickfield, with a desperate air. 'Why +should I not be in all the world's power if I am in yours?' + +'Mind! I tell you!' said Uriah, continuing to warn me. 'If you don't +stop his mouth, you're not his friend! Why shouldn't you be in all the +world's power, Mr. Wickfield? Because you have got a daughter. You and +me know what we know, don't we? Let sleeping dogs lie--who wants to +rouse 'em? I don't. Can't you see I am as umble as I can be? I tell you, +if I've gone too far, I'm sorry. What would you have, sir?' + +'Oh, Trotwood, Trotwood!'exclaimed Mr. Wickfield, wringing his hands. +'What I have come down to be, since I first saw you in this house! I was +on my downward way then, but the dreary, dreary road I have traversed +since! Weak indulgence has ruined me. Indulgence in remembrance, and +indulgence in forgetfulness. My natural grief for my child's mother +turned to disease; my natural love for my child turned to disease. I +have infected everything I touched. I have brought misery on what I +dearly love, I know--you know! I thought it possible that I could truly +love one creature in the world, and not love the rest; I thought it +possible that I could truly mourn for one creature gone out of the +world, and not have some part in the grief of all who mourned. Thus the +lessons of my life have been perverted! I have preyed on my own morbid +coward heart, and it has preyed on me. Sordid in my grief, sordid in my +love, sordid in my miserable escape from the darker side of both, oh see +the ruin I am, and hate me, shun me!' + +He dropped into a chair, and weakly sobbed. The excitement into which he +had been roused was leaving him. Uriah came out of his corner. + +'I don't know all I have done, in my fatuity,' said Mr. Wickfield, +putting out his hands, as if to deprecate my condemnation. 'He knows +best,' meaning Uriah Heep, 'for he has always been at my elbow, +whispering me. You see the millstone that he is about my neck. You +find him in my house, you find him in my business. You heard him, but a +little time ago. What need have I to say more!' + +'You haven't need to say so much, nor half so much, nor anything at +all,' observed Uriah, half defiant, and half fawning. 'You wouldn't have +took it up so, if it hadn't been for the wine. You'll think better of +it tomorrow, sir. If I have said too much, or more than I meant, what of +it? I haven't stood by it!' + +The door opened, and Agnes, gliding in, without a vestige of colour in +her face, put her arm round his neck, and steadily said, 'Papa, you are +not well. Come with me!' + +He laid his head upon her shoulder, as if he were oppressed with heavy +shame, and went out with her. Her eyes met mine for but an instant, yet +I saw how much she knew of what had passed. + +'I didn't expect he'd cut up so rough, Master Copperfield,' said Uriah. +'But it's nothing. I'll be friends with him tomorrow. It's for his good. +I'm umbly anxious for his good.' + +I gave him no answer, and went upstairs into the quiet room where Agnes +had so often sat beside me at my books. Nobody came near me until late +at night. I took up a book, and tried to read. I heard the clocks strike +twelve, and was still reading, without knowing what I read, when Agnes +touched me. + +'You will be going early in the morning, Trotwood! Let us say good-bye, +now!' + +She had been weeping, but her face then was so calm and beautiful! + +'Heaven bless you!' she said, giving me her hand. + +'Dearest Agnes!' I returned, 'I see you ask me not to speak of +tonight--but is there nothing to be done?' + +'There is God to trust in!' she replied. + +'Can I do nothing--I, who come to you with my poor sorrows?' + +'And make mine so much lighter,' she replied. 'Dear Trotwood, no!' + +'Dear Agnes,' I said, 'it is presumptuous for me, who am so poor in all +in which you are so rich--goodness, resolution, all noble qualities--to +doubt or direct you; but you know how much I love you, and how much I +owe you. You will never sacrifice yourself to a mistaken sense of duty, +Agnes?' + +More agitated for a moment than I had ever seen her, she took her hands +from me, and moved a step back. + +'Say you have no such thought, dear Agnes! Much more than sister! +Think of the priceless gift of such a heart as yours, of such a love as +yours!' + +Oh! long, long afterwards, I saw that face rise up before me, with its +momentary look, not wondering, not accusing, not regretting. Oh, long, +long afterwards, I saw that look subside, as it did now, into the lovely +smile, with which she told me she had no fear for herself--I need have +none for her--and parted from me by the name of Brother, and was gone! + +It was dark in the morning, when I got upon the coach at the inn door. +The day was just breaking when we were about to start, and then, as +I sat thinking of her, came struggling up the coach side, through the +mingled day and night, Uriah's head. + +'Copperfield!' said he, in a croaking whisper, as he hung by the iron +on the roof, 'I thought you'd be glad to hear before you went off, that +there are no squares broke between us. I've been into his room already, +and we've made it all smooth. Why, though I'm umble, I'm useful to him, +you know; and he understands his interest when he isn't in liquor! What +an agreeable man he is, after all, Master Copperfield!' + +I obliged myself to say that I was glad he had made his apology. + +'Oh, to be sure!' said Uriah. 'When a person's umble, you know, what's +an apology? So easy! I say! I suppose,' with a jerk, 'you have sometimes +plucked a pear before it was ripe, Master Copperfield?' + +'I suppose I have,' I replied. + +'I did that last night,' said Uriah; 'but it'll ripen yet! It only wants +attending to. I can wait!' + +Profuse in his farewells, he got down again as the coachman got up. For +anything I know, he was eating something to keep the raw morning +air out; but he made motions with his mouth as if the pear were ripe +already, and he were smacking his lips over it. + + + +CHAPTER 40. THE WANDERER + + +We had a very serious conversation in Buckingham Street that night, +about the domestic occurrences I have detailed in the last chapter. My +aunt was deeply interested in them, and walked up and down the room with +her arms folded, for more than two hours afterwards. Whenever she was +particularly discomposed, she always performed one of these pedestrian +feats; and the amount of her discomposure might always be estimated by +the duration of her walk. On this occasion she was so much disturbed in +mind as to find it necessary to open the bedroom door, and make a course +for herself, comprising the full extent of the bedrooms from wall to +wall; and while Mr. Dick and I sat quietly by the fire, she kept passing +in and out, along this measured track, at an unchanging pace, with the +regularity of a clock-pendulum. + +When my aunt and I were left to ourselves by Mr. Dick's going out to +bed, I sat down to write my letter to the two old ladies. By that time +she was tired of walking, and sat by the fire with her dress tucked up +as usual. But instead of sitting in her usual manner, holding her glass +upon her knee, she suffered it to stand neglected on the chimney-piece; +and, resting her left elbow on her right arm, and her chin on her left +hand, looked thoughtfully at me. As often as I raised my eyes from what +I was about, I met hers. 'I am in the lovingest of tempers, my dear,' +she would assure me with a nod, 'but I am fidgeted and sorry!' + +I had been too busy to observe, until after she was gone to bed, that +she had left her night-mixture, as she always called it, untasted on +the chimney-piece. She came to her door, with even more than her usual +affection of manner, when I knocked to acquaint her with this discovery; +but only said, 'I have not the heart to take it, Trot, tonight,' and +shook her head, and went in again. + +She read my letter to the two old ladies, in the morning, and approved +of it. I posted it, and had nothing to do then, but wait, as patiently +as I could, for the reply. I was still in this state of expectation, and +had been, for nearly a week; when I left the Doctor's one snowy night, +to walk home. + +It had been a bitter day, and a cutting north-east wind had blown for +some time. The wind had gone down with the light, and so the snow had +come on. It was a heavy, settled fall, I recollect, in great flakes; and +it lay thick. The noise of wheels and tread of people were as hushed, as +if the streets had been strewn that depth with feathers. + +My shortest way home,--and I naturally took the shortest way on such a +night--was through St. Martin's Lane. Now, the church which gives its +name to the lane, stood in a less free situation at that time; there +being no open space before it, and the lane winding down to the Strand. +As I passed the steps of the portico, I encountered, at the corner, +a woman's face. It looked in mine, passed across the narrow lane, +and disappeared. I knew it. I had seen it somewhere. But I could not +remember where. I had some association with it, that struck upon my +heart directly; but I was thinking of anything else when it came upon +me, and was confused. + +On the steps of the church, there was the stooping figure of a man, who +had put down some burden on the smooth snow, to adjust it; my seeing the +face, and my seeing him, were simultaneous. I don't think I had stopped +in my surprise; but, in any case, as I went on, he rose, turned, and +came down towards me. I stood face to face with Mr. Peggotty! + +Then I remembered the woman. It was Martha, to whom Emily had given the +money that night in the kitchen. Martha Endell--side by side with whom, +he would not have seen his dear niece, Ham had told me, for all the +treasures wrecked in the sea. + +We shook hands heartily. At first, neither of us could speak a word. + +'Mas'r Davy!' he said, gripping me tight, 'it do my art good to see you, +sir. Well met, well met!' + +'Well met, my dear old friend!' said I. + +'I had my thowts o' coming to make inquiration for you, sir, tonight,' +he said, 'but knowing as your aunt was living along wi' you--fur I've +been down yonder--Yarmouth way--I was afeerd it was too late. I should +have come early in the morning, sir, afore going away.' + +'Again?' said I. + +'Yes, sir,' he replied, patiently shaking his head, 'I'm away tomorrow.' + +'Where were you going now?' I asked. + +'Well!' he replied, shaking the snow out of his long hair, 'I was +a-going to turn in somewheers.' + +In those days there was a side-entrance to the stable-yard of the Golden +Cross, the inn so memorable to me in connexion with his misfortune, +nearly opposite to where we stood. I pointed out the gateway, put my arm +through his, and we went across. Two or three public-rooms opened out of +the stable-yard; and looking into one of them, and finding it empty, and +a good fire burning, I took him in there. + +When I saw him in the light, I observed, not only that his hair was long +and ragged, but that his face was burnt dark by the sun. He was greyer, +the lines in his face and forehead were deeper, and he had every +appearance of having toiled and wandered through all varieties +of weather; but he looked very strong, and like a man upheld by +steadfastness of purpose, whom nothing could tire out. He shook the snow +from his hat and clothes, and brushed it away from his face, while I was +inwardly making these remarks. As he sat down opposite to me at a table, +with his back to the door by which we had entered, he put out his rough +hand again, and grasped mine warmly. + +'I'll tell you, Mas'r Davy,' he said,--'wheer all I've been, and +what-all we've heerd. I've been fur, and we've heerd little; but I'll +tell you!' + +I rang the bell for something hot to drink. He would have nothing +stronger than ale; and while it was being brought, and being warmed +at the fire, he sat thinking. There was a fine, massive gravity in his +face, I did not venture to disturb. + +'When she was a child,' he said, lifting up his head soon after we were +left alone, 'she used to talk to me a deal about the sea, and about +them coasts where the sea got to be dark blue, and to lay a-shining and +a-shining in the sun. I thowt, odd times, as her father being drownded +made her think on it so much. I doen't know, you see, but maybe she +believed--or hoped--he had drifted out to them parts, where the flowers +is always a-blowing, and the country bright.' + +'It is likely to have been a childish fancy,' I replied. + +'When she was--lost,' said Mr. Peggotty, 'I know'd in my mind, as he +would take her to them countries. I know'd in my mind, as he'd have told +her wonders of 'em, and how she was to be a lady theer, and how he got +her to listen to him fust, along o' sech like. When we see his mother, +I know'd quite well as I was right. I went across-channel to France, and +landed theer, as if I'd fell down from the sky.' + +I saw the door move, and the snow drift in. I saw it move a little more, +and a hand softly interpose to keep it open. + +'I found out an English gen'leman as was in authority,' said Mr. +Peggotty, 'and told him I was a-going to seek my niece. He got me them +papers as I wanted fur to carry me through--I doen't rightly know how +they're called--and he would have give me money, but that I was thankful +to have no need on. I thank him kind, for all he done, I'm sure! "I've +wrote afore you," he says to me, "and I shall speak to many as will come +that way, and many will know you, fur distant from here, when you're +a-travelling alone." I told him, best as I was able, what my gratitoode +was, and went away through France.' + +'Alone, and on foot?' said I. + +'Mostly a-foot,' he rejoined; 'sometimes in carts along with people +going to market; sometimes in empty coaches. Many mile a day a-foot, and +often with some poor soldier or another, travelling to see his friends. +I couldn't talk to him,' said Mr. Peggotty, 'nor he to me; but we was +company for one another, too, along the dusty roads.' + +I should have known that by his friendly tone. + +'When I come to any town,' he pursued, 'I found the inn, and waited +about the yard till someone turned up (someone mostly did) as know'd +English. Then I told how that I was on my way to seek my niece, and they +told me what manner of gentlefolks was in the house, and I waited to see +any as seemed like her, going in or out. When it warn't Em'ly, I went on +agen. By little and little, when I come to a new village or that, among +the poor people, I found they know'd about me. They would set me down at +their cottage doors, and give me what-not fur to eat and drink, and show +me where to sleep; and many a woman, Mas'r Davy, as has had a daughter +of about Em'ly's age, I've found a-waiting fur me, at Our Saviour's +Cross outside the village, fur to do me sim'lar kindnesses. Some has had +daughters as was dead. And God only knows how good them mothers was to +me!' + +It was Martha at the door. I saw her haggard, listening face distinctly. +My dread was lest he should turn his head, and see her too. + +'They would often put their children--particular their little girls,' +said Mr. Peggotty, 'upon my knee; and many a time you might have seen +me sitting at their doors, when night was coming in, a'most as if they'd +been my Darling's children. Oh, my Darling!' + +Overpowered by sudden grief, he sobbed aloud. I laid my trembling hand +upon the hand he put before his face. 'Thankee, sir,' he said, 'doen't +take no notice.' + +In a very little while he took his hand away and put it on his breast, +and went on with his story. 'They often walked with me,' he said, 'in +the morning, maybe a mile or two upon my road; and when we parted, and +I said, "I'm very thankful to you! God bless you!" they always seemed to +understand, and answered pleasant. At last I come to the sea. It warn't +hard, you may suppose, for a seafaring man like me to work his way +over to Italy. When I got theer, I wandered on as I had done afore. The +people was just as good to me, and I should have gone from town to town, +maybe the country through, but that I got news of her being seen among +them Swiss mountains yonder. One as know'd his servant see 'em there, +all three, and told me how they travelled, and where they was. I made +fur them mountains, Mas'r Davy, day and night. Ever so fur as I went, +ever so fur the mountains seemed to shift away from me. But I come up +with 'em, and I crossed 'em. When I got nigh the place as I had been +told of, I began to think within my own self, "What shall I do when I +see her?"' + +The listening face, insensible to the inclement night, still drooped at +the door, and the hands begged me--prayed me--not to cast it forth. + +'I never doubted her,' said Mr. Peggotty. 'No! Not a bit! On'y let her +see my face--on'y let her heer my voice--on'y let my stanning still +afore her bring to her thoughts the home she had fled away from, and the +child she had been--and if she had growed to be a royal lady, she'd have +fell down at my feet! I know'd it well! Many a time in my sleep had I +heerd her cry out, "Uncle!" and seen her fall like death afore me. Many +a time in my sleep had I raised her up, and whispered to her, "Em'ly, my +dear, I am come fur to bring forgiveness, and to take you home!"' + +He stopped and shook his head, and went on with a sigh. + +'He was nowt to me now. Em'ly was all. I bought a country dress to put +upon her; and I know'd that, once found, she would walk beside me over +them stony roads, go where I would, and never, never, leave me more. To +put that dress upon her, and to cast off what she wore--to take her on +my arm again, and wander towards home--to stop sometimes upon the road, +and heal her bruised feet and her worse-bruised heart--was all that I +thowt of now. I doen't believe I should have done so much as look at +him. But, Mas'r Davy, it warn't to be--not yet! I was too late, and they +was gone. Wheer, I couldn't learn. Some said heer, some said theer. +I travelled heer, and I travelled theer, but I found no Em'ly, and I +travelled home.' + +'How long ago?' I asked. + +'A matter o' fower days,' said Mr. Peggotty. 'I sighted the old boat +arter dark, and the light a-shining in the winder. When I come nigh and +looked in through the glass, I see the faithful creetur Missis Gummidge +sittin' by the fire, as we had fixed upon, alone. I called out, "Doen't +be afeerd! It's Dan'l!" and I went in. I never could have thowt the old +boat would have been so strange!' From some pocket in his breast, he +took out, with a very careful hand a small paper bundle containing two +or three letters or little packets, which he laid upon the table. + +'This fust one come,' he said, selecting it from the rest, 'afore I had +been gone a week. A fifty pound Bank note, in a sheet of paper, directed +to me, and put underneath the door in the night. She tried to hide her +writing, but she couldn't hide it from Me!' + +He folded up the note again, with great patience and care, in exactly +the same form, and laid it on one side. + +'This come to Missis Gummidge,' he said, opening another, 'two or three +months ago.' After looking at it for some moments, he gave it to me, and +added in a low voice, 'Be so good as read it, sir.' + +I read as follows: + + +'Oh what will you feel when you see this writing, and know it comes from +my wicked hand! But try, try--not for my sake, but for uncle's goodness, +try to let your heart soften to me, only for a little little time! Try, +pray do, to relent towards a miserable girl, and write down on a bit of +paper whether he is well, and what he said about me before you left off +ever naming me among yourselves--and whether, of a night, when it is my +old time of coming home, you ever see him look as if he thought of one +he used to love so dear. Oh, my heart is breaking when I think about +it! I am kneeling down to you, begging and praying you not to be as +hard with me as I deserve--as I well, well, know I deserve--but to be so +gentle and so good, as to write down something of him, and to send it to +me. You need not call me Little, you need not call me by the name I have +disgraced; but oh, listen to my agony, and have mercy on me so far as to +write me some word of uncle, never, never to be seen in this world by my +eyes again! + +'Dear, if your heart is hard towards me--justly hard, I know--but, +listen, if it is hard, dear, ask him I have wronged the most--him whose +wife I was to have been--before you quite decide against my poor poor +prayer! If he should be so compassionate as to say that you might write +something for me to read--I think he would, oh, I think he would, if you +would only ask him, for he always was so brave and so forgiving--tell +him then (but not else), that when I hear the wind blowing at night, +I feel as if it was passing angrily from seeing him and uncle, and was +going up to God against me. Tell him that if I was to die tomorrow (and +oh, if I was fit, I would be so glad to die!) I would bless him and +uncle with my last words, and pray for his happy home with my last +breath!' + + +Some money was enclosed in this letter also. Five pounds. It was +untouched like the previous sum, and he refolded it in the same way. +Detailed instructions were added relative to the address of a reply, +which, although they betrayed the intervention of several hands, and +made it difficult to arrive at any very probable conclusion in reference +to her place of concealment, made it at least not unlikely that she had +written from that spot where she was stated to have been seen. + +'What answer was sent?' I inquired of Mr. Peggotty. + +'Missis Gummidge,' he returned, 'not being a good scholar, sir, Ham +kindly drawed it out, and she made a copy on it. They told her I was +gone to seek her, and what my parting words was.' + +'Is that another letter in your hand?' said I. + +'It's money, sir,' said Mr. Peggotty, unfolding it a little way. 'Ten +pound, you see. And wrote inside, "From a true friend," like the fust. +But the fust was put underneath the door, and this come by the post, day +afore yesterday. I'm a-going to seek her at the post-mark.' + +He showed it to me. It was a town on the Upper Rhine. He had found out, +at Yarmouth, some foreign dealers who knew that country, and they had +drawn him a rude map on paper, which he could very well understand. He +laid it between us on the table; and, with his chin resting on one hand, +tracked his course upon it with the other. + +I asked him how Ham was? He shook his head. + +'He works,' he said, 'as bold as a man can. His name's as good, in all +that part, as any man's is, anywheres in the wureld. Anyone's hand is +ready to help him, you understand, and his is ready to help them. He's +never been heerd fur to complain. But my sister's belief is ('twixt +ourselves) as it has cut him deep.' + +'Poor fellow, I can believe it!' + +'He ain't no care, Mas'r Davy,' said Mr. Peggotty in a solemn +whisper--'kinder no care no-how for his life. When a man's wanted for +rough sarvice in rough weather, he's theer. When there's hard duty to +be done with danger in it, he steps for'ard afore all his mates. And yet +he's as gentle as any child. There ain't a child in Yarmouth that doen't +know him.' + +He gathered up the letters thoughtfully, smoothing them with his hand; +put them into their little bundle; and placed it tenderly in his breast +again. The face was gone from the door. I still saw the snow drifting +in; but nothing else was there. + +'Well!' he said, looking to his bag, 'having seen you tonight, Mas'r +Davy (and that doos me good!), I shall away betimes tomorrow morning. +You have seen what I've got heer'; putting his hand on where the little +packet lay; 'all that troubles me is, to think that any harm might come +to me, afore that money was give back. If I was to die, and it was lost, +or stole, or elseways made away with, and it was never know'd by him +but what I'd took it, I believe the t'other wureld wouldn't hold me! I +believe I must come back!' + +He rose, and I rose too; we grasped each other by the hand again, before +going out. + +'I'd go ten thousand mile,' he said, 'I'd go till I dropped dead, to lay +that money down afore him. If I do that, and find my Em'ly, I'm content. +If I doen't find her, maybe she'll come to hear, sometime, as her loving +uncle only ended his search for her when he ended his life; and if I +know her, even that will turn her home at last!' + +As he went out into the rigorous night, I saw the lonely figure flit +away before us. I turned him hastily on some pretence, and held him in +conversation until it was gone. + +He spoke of a traveller's house on the Dover Road, where he knew he +could find a clean, plain lodging for the night. I went with him over +Westminster Bridge, and parted from him on the Surrey shore. Everything +seemed, to my imagination, to be hushed in reverence for him, as he +resumed his solitary journey through the snow. + +I returned to the inn yard, and, impressed by my remembrance of the +face, looked awfully around for it. It was not there. The snow had +covered our late footprints; my new track was the only one to be seen; +and even that began to die away (it snowed so fast) as I looked back +over my shoulder. + + + +CHAPTER 41. DORA'S AUNTS + + +At last, an answer came from the two old ladies. They presented their +compliments to Mr. Copperfield, and informed him that they had given his +letter their best consideration, 'with a view to the happiness of +both parties'--which I thought rather an alarming expression, not +only because of the use they had made of it in relation to the family +difference before-mentioned, but because I had (and have all my life) +observed that conventional phrases are a sort of fireworks, easily let +off, and liable to take a great variety of shapes and colours not at +all suggested by their original form. The Misses Spenlow added that they +begged to forbear expressing, 'through the medium of correspondence', an +opinion on the subject of Mr. Copperfield's communication; but that if +Mr. Copperfield would do them the favour to call, upon a certain day +(accompanied, if he thought proper, by a confidential friend), they +would be happy to hold some conversation on the subject. + +To this favour, Mr. Copperfield immediately replied, with his respectful +compliments, that he would have the honour of waiting on the Misses +Spenlow, at the time appointed; accompanied, in accordance with their +kind permission, by his friend Mr. Thomas Traddles of the Inner Temple. +Having dispatched which missive, Mr. Copperfield fell into a condition +of strong nervous agitation; and so remained until the day arrived. + +It was a great augmentation of my uneasiness to be bereaved, at this +eventful crisis, of the inestimable services of Miss Mills. But Mr. +Mills, who was always doing something or other to annoy me--or I felt +as if he were, which was the same thing--had brought his conduct to a +climax, by taking it into his head that he would go to India. Why should +he go to India, except to harass me? To be sure he had nothing to do +with any other part of the world, and had a good deal to do with that +part; being entirely in the India trade, whatever that was (I had +floating dreams myself concerning golden shawls and elephants' teeth); +having been at Calcutta in his youth; and designing now to go out there +again, in the capacity of resident partner. But this was nothing to me. +However, it was so much to him that for India he was bound, and +Julia with him; and Julia went into the country to take leave of +her relations; and the house was put into a perfect suit of bills, +announcing that it was to be let or sold, and that the furniture (Mangle +and all) was to be taken at a valuation. So, here was another earthquake +of which I became the sport, before I had recovered from the shock of +its predecessor! + +I was in several minds how to dress myself on the important day; being +divided between my desire to appear to advantage, and my apprehensions +of putting on anything that might impair my severely practical character +in the eyes of the Misses Spenlow. I endeavoured to hit a happy medium +between these two extremes; my aunt approved the result; and Mr. Dick +threw one of his shoes after Traddles and me, for luck, as we went +downstairs. + +Excellent fellow as I knew Traddles to be, and warmly attached to him as +I was, I could not help wishing, on that delicate occasion, that he had +never contracted the habit of brushing his hair so very upright. It +gave him a surprised look--not to say a hearth-broomy kind of +expression--which, my apprehensions whispered, might be fatal to us. + +I took the liberty of mentioning it to Traddles, as we were walking to +Putney; and saying that if he WOULD smooth it down a little-- + +'My dear Copperfield,' said Traddles, lifting off his hat, and rubbing +his hair all kinds of ways, 'nothing would give me greater pleasure. But +it won't.' + +'Won't be smoothed down?' said I. + +'No,' said Traddles. 'Nothing will induce it. If I was to carry a +half-hundred-weight upon it, all the way to Putney, it would be up again +the moment the weight was taken off. You have no idea what obstinate +hair mine is, Copperfield. I am quite a fretful porcupine.' + +I was a little disappointed, I must confess, but thoroughly charmed by +his good-nature too. I told him how I esteemed his good-nature; and said +that his hair must have taken all the obstinacy out of his character, +for he had none. + +'Oh!' returned Traddles, laughing. 'I assure you, it's quite an old +story, my unfortunate hair. My uncle's wife couldn't bear it. She said +it exasperated her. It stood very much in my way, too, when I first fell +in love with Sophy. Very much!' + +'Did she object to it?' + +'SHE didn't,' rejoined Traddles; 'but her eldest sister--the one that's +the Beauty--quite made game of it, I understand. In fact, all the +sisters laugh at it.' + +'Agreeable!' said I. + +'Yes,' returned Traddles with perfect innocence, 'it's a joke for us. +They pretend that Sophy has a lock of it in her desk, and is obliged to +shut it in a clasped book, to keep it down. We laugh about it.' + +'By the by, my dear Traddles,' said I, 'your experience may suggest +something to me. When you became engaged to the young lady whom you have +just mentioned, did you make a regular proposal to her family? Was there +anything like--what we are going through today, for instance?' I added, +nervously. + +'Why,' replied Traddles, on whose attentive face a thoughtful shade had +stolen, 'it was rather a painful transaction, Copperfield, in my case. +You see, Sophy being of so much use in the family, none of them could +endure the thought of her ever being married. Indeed, they had quite +settled among themselves that she never was to be married, and they +called her the old maid. Accordingly, when I mentioned it, with the +greatest precaution, to Mrs. Crewler--' + +'The mama?' said I. + +'The mama,' said Traddles--'Reverend Horace Crewler--when I mentioned it +with every possible precaution to Mrs. Crewler, the effect upon her was +such that she gave a scream and became insensible. I couldn't approach +the subject again, for months.' + +'You did at last?' said I. + +'Well, the Reverend Horace did,' said Traddles. 'He is an excellent man, +most exemplary in every way; and he pointed out to her that she ought, +as a Christian, to reconcile herself to the sacrifice (especially as it +was so uncertain), and to bear no uncharitable feeling towards me. As to +myself, Copperfield, I give you my word, I felt a perfect bird of prey +towards the family.' + +'The sisters took your part, I hope, Traddles?' + +'Why, I can't say they did,' he returned. 'When we had comparatively +reconciled Mrs. Crewler to it, we had to break it to Sarah. You +recollect my mentioning Sarah, as the one that has something the matter +with her spine?' + +'Perfectly!' + +'She clenched both her hands,' said Traddles, looking at me in dismay; +'shut her eyes; turned lead-colour; became perfectly stiff; and +took nothing for two days but toast-and-water, administered with a +tea-spoon.' + +'What a very unpleasant girl, Traddles!' I remarked. + +'Oh, I beg your pardon, Copperfield!' said Traddles. 'She is a very +charming girl, but she has a great deal of feeling. In fact, they all +have. Sophy told me afterwards, that the self-reproach she underwent +while she was in attendance upon Sarah, no words could describe. I know +it must have been severe, by my own feelings, Copperfield; which were +like a criminal's. After Sarah was restored, we still had to break it +to the other eight; and it produced various effects upon them of a most +pathetic nature. The two little ones, whom Sophy educates, have only +just left off de-testing me.' + +'At any rate, they are all reconciled to it now, I hope?' said I. + +'Ye-yes, I should say they were, on the whole, resigned to it,' said +Traddles, doubtfully. 'The fact is, we avoid mentioning the subject; +and my unsettled prospects and indifferent circumstances are a great +consolation to them. There will be a deplorable scene, whenever we +are married. It will be much more like a funeral, than a wedding. And +they'll all hate me for taking her away!' + +His honest face, as he looked at me with a serio-comic shake of his +head, impresses me more in the remembrance than it did in the reality, +for I was by this time in a state of such excessive trepidation +and wandering of mind, as to be quite unable to fix my attention on +anything. On our approaching the house where the Misses Spenlow lived, +I was at such a discount in respect of my personal looks and presence of +mind, that Traddles proposed a gentle stimulant in the form of a glass +of ale. This having been administered at a neighbouring public-house, he +conducted me, with tottering steps, to the Misses Spenlow's door. + +I had a vague sensation of being, as it were, on view, when the maid +opened it; and of wavering, somehow, across a hall with a weather-glass +in it, into a quiet little drawing-room on the ground-floor, commanding +a neat garden. Also of sitting down here, on a sofa, and seeing +Traddles's hair start up, now his hat was removed, like one of those +obtrusive little figures made of springs, that fly out of fictitious +snuff-boxes when the lid is taken off. Also of hearing an old-fashioned +clock ticking away on the chimney-piece, and trying to make it keep time +to the jerking of my heart,--which it wouldn't. Also of looking round +the room for any sign of Dora, and seeing none. Also of thinking that +Jip once barked in the distance, and was instantly choked by somebody. +Ultimately I found myself backing Traddles into the fireplace, and +bowing in great confusion to two dry little elderly ladies, dressed in +black, and each looking wonderfully like a preparation in chip or tan of +the late Mr. Spenlow. + +'Pray,' said one of the two little ladies, 'be seated.' + +When I had done tumbling over Traddles, and had sat upon something which +was not a cat--my first seat was--I so far recovered my sight, as to +perceive that Mr. Spenlow had evidently been the youngest of the +family; that there was a disparity of six or eight years between the +two sisters; and that the younger appeared to be the manager of the +conference, inasmuch as she had my letter in her hand--so familiar as +it looked to me, and yet so odd!--and was referring to it through an +eye-glass. They were dressed alike, but this sister wore her dress with +a more youthful air than the other; and perhaps had a trifle more frill, +or tucker, or brooch, or bracelet, or some little thing of that kind, +which made her look more lively. They were both upright in their +carriage, formal, precise, composed, and quiet. The sister who had +not my letter, had her arms crossed on her breast, and resting on each +other, like an Idol. + +'Mr. Copperfield, I believe,' said the sister who had got my letter, +addressing herself to Traddles. + +This was a frightful beginning. Traddles had to indicate that I was Mr. +Copperfield, and I had to lay claim to myself, and they had to divest +themselves of a preconceived opinion that Traddles was Mr. Copperfield, +and altogether we were in a nice condition. To improve it, we all +distinctly heard Jip give two short barks, and receive another choke. + +'Mr. Copperfield!' said the sister with the letter. + +I did something--bowed, I suppose--and was all attention, when the other +sister struck in. + +'My sister Lavinia,' said she 'being conversant with matters of this +nature, will state what we consider most calculated to promote the +happiness of both parties.' + +I discovered afterwards that Miss Lavinia was an authority in affairs +of the heart, by reason of there having anciently existed a certain Mr. +Pidger, who played short whist, and was supposed to have been enamoured +of her. My private opinion is, that this was entirely a gratuitous +assumption, and that Pidger was altogether innocent of any such +sentiments--to which he had never given any sort of expression that +I could ever hear of. Both Miss Lavinia and Miss Clarissa had a +superstition, however, that he would have declared his passion, if he +had not been cut short in his youth (at about sixty) by over-drinking +his constitution, and over-doing an attempt to set it right again by +swilling Bath water. They had a lurking suspicion even, that he died of +secret love; though I must say there was a picture of him in the house +with a damask nose, which concealment did not appear to have ever preyed +upon. + +'We will not,' said Miss Lavinia, 'enter on the past history of this +matter. Our poor brother Francis's death has cancelled that.' + +'We had not,' said Miss Clarissa, 'been in the habit of frequent +association with our brother Francis; but there was no decided division +or disunion between us. Francis took his road; we took ours. We +considered it conducive to the happiness of all parties that it should +be so. And it was so.' + +Each of the sisters leaned a little forward to speak, shook her head +after speaking, and became upright again when silent. Miss Clarissa +never moved her arms. She sometimes played tunes upon them with her +fingers--minuets and marches I should think--but never moved them. + +'Our niece's position, or supposed position, is much changed by our +brother Francis's death,' said Miss Lavinia; 'and therefore we consider +our brother's opinions as regarded her position as being changed too. We +have no reason to doubt, Mr. Copperfield, that you are a young gentleman +possessed of good qualities and honourable character; or that you have +an affection--or are fully persuaded that you have an affection--for our +niece.' + +I replied, as I usually did whenever I had a chance, that nobody had +ever loved anybody else as I loved Dora. Traddles came to my assistance +with a confirmatory murmur. + +Miss Lavinia was going on to make some rejoinder, when Miss Clarissa, +who appeared to be incessantly beset by a desire to refer to her brother +Francis, struck in again: + +'If Dora's mama,' she said, 'when she married our brother Francis, had +at once said that there was not room for the family at the dinner-table, +it would have been better for the happiness of all parties.' + +'Sister Clarissa,' said Miss Lavinia. 'Perhaps we needn't mind that +now.' + +'Sister Lavinia,' said Miss Clarissa, 'it belongs to the subject. With +your branch of the subject, on which alone you are competent to speak, I +should not think of interfering. On this branch of the subject I have a +voice and an opinion. It would have been better for the happiness of +all parties, if Dora's mama, when she married our brother Francis, had +mentioned plainly what her intentions were. We should then have known +what we had to expect. We should have said "Pray do not invite us, +at any time"; and all possibility of misunderstanding would have been +avoided.' + +When Miss Clarissa had shaken her head, Miss Lavinia resumed: again +referring to my letter through her eye-glass. They both had little +bright round twinkling eyes, by the way, which were like birds' eyes. +They were not unlike birds, altogether; having a sharp, brisk, sudden +manner, and a little short, spruce way of adjusting themselves, like +canaries. + +Miss Lavinia, as I have said, resumed: + +'You ask permission of my sister Clarissa and myself, Mr. Copperfield, +to visit here, as the accepted suitor of our niece.' + +'If our brother Francis,' said Miss Clarissa, breaking out again, if I +may call anything so calm a breaking out, 'wished to surround himself +with an atmosphere of Doctors' Commons, and of Doctors' Commons only, +what right or desire had we to object? None, I am sure. We have ever +been far from wishing to obtrude ourselves on anyone. But why not say +so? Let our brother Francis and his wife have their society. Let +my sister Lavinia and myself have our society. We can find it for +ourselves, I hope.' + +As this appeared to be addressed to Traddles and me, both Traddles and +I made some sort of reply. Traddles was inaudible. I think I observed, +myself, that it was highly creditable to all concerned. I don't in the +least know what I meant. + +'Sister Lavinia,' said Miss Clarissa, having now relieved her mind, 'you +can go on, my dear.' + +Miss Lavinia proceeded: + +'Mr. Copperfield, my sister Clarissa and I have been very careful +indeed in considering this letter; and we have not considered it without +finally showing it to our niece, and discussing it with our niece. We +have no doubt that you think you like her very much.' + +'Think, ma'am,' I rapturously began, 'oh!--' + +But Miss Clarissa giving me a look (just like a sharp canary), as +requesting that I would not interrupt the oracle, I begged pardon. + +'Affection,' said Miss Lavinia, glancing at her sister for +corroboration, which she gave in the form of a little nod to every +clause, 'mature affection, homage, devotion, does not easily express +itself. Its voice is low. It is modest and retiring, it lies in ambush, +waits and waits. Such is the mature fruit. Sometimes a life glides away, +and finds it still ripening in the shade.' + +Of course I did not understand then that this was an allusion to her +supposed experience of the stricken Pidger; but I saw, from the gravity +with which Miss Clarissa nodded her head, that great weight was attached +to these words. + +'The light--for I call them, in comparison with such sentiments, the +light--inclinations of very young people,' pursued Miss Lavinia, 'are +dust, compared to rocks. It is owing to the difficulty of knowing +whether they are likely to endure or have any real foundation, that +my sister Clarissa and myself have been very undecided how to act, Mr. +Copperfield, and Mr.--' + +'Traddles,' said my friend, finding himself looked at. + +'I beg pardon. Of the Inner Temple, I believe?' said Miss Clarissa, +again glancing at my letter. + +Traddles said 'Exactly so,' and became pretty red in the face. + +Now, although I had not received any express encouragement as yet, I +fancied that I saw in the two little sisters, and particularly in Miss +Lavinia, an intensified enjoyment of this new and fruitful subject of +domestic interest, a settling down to make the most of it, a disposition +to pet it, in which there was a good bright ray of hope. I thought +I perceived that Miss Lavinia would have uncommon satisfaction in +superintending two young lovers, like Dora and me; and that Miss +Clarissa would have hardly less satisfaction in seeing her superintend +us, and in chiming in with her own particular department of the subject +whenever that impulse was strong upon her. This gave me courage to +protest most vehemently that I loved Dora better than I could tell, or +anyone believe; that all my friends knew how I loved her; that my aunt, +Agnes, Traddles, everyone who knew me, knew how I loved her, and how +earnest my love had made me. For the truth of this, I appealed to +Traddles. And Traddles, firing up as if he were plunging into a +Parliamentary Debate, really did come out nobly: confirming me in good +round terms, and in a plain sensible practical manner, that evidently +made a favourable impression. + +'I speak, if I may presume to say so, as one who has some little +experience of such things,' said Traddles, 'being myself engaged to a +young lady--one of ten, down in Devonshire--and seeing no probability, +at present, of our engagement coming to a termination.' + +'You may be able to confirm what I have said, Mr. Traddles,' observed +Miss Lavinia, evidently taking a new interest in him, 'of the affection +that is modest and retiring; that waits and waits?' + +'Entirely, ma'am,' said Traddles. + +Miss Clarissa looked at Miss Lavinia, and shook her head gravely. Miss +Lavinia looked consciously at Miss Clarissa, and heaved a little sigh. +'Sister Lavinia,' said Miss Clarissa, 'take my smelling-bottle.' + +Miss Lavinia revived herself with a few whiffs of aromatic +vinegar--Traddles and I looking on with great solicitude the while; and +then went on to say, rather faintly: + +'My sister and myself have been in great doubt, Mr. Traddles, what +course we ought to take in reference to the likings, or imaginary +likings, of such very young people as your friend Mr. Copperfield and +our niece.' + +'Our brother Francis's child,' remarked Miss Clarissa. 'If our brother +Francis's wife had found it convenient in her lifetime (though she had +an unquestionable right to act as she thought best) to invite the family +to her dinner-table, we might have known our brother Francis's child +better at the present moment. Sister Lavinia, proceed.' + +Miss Lavinia turned my letter, so as to bring the superscription towards +herself, and referred through her eye-glass to some orderly-looking +notes she had made on that part of it. + +'It seems to us,' said she, 'prudent, Mr. Traddles, to bring these +feelings to the test of our own observation. At present we know nothing +of them, and are not in a situation to judge how much reality there +may be in them. Therefore we are inclined so far to accede to Mr. +Copperfield's proposal, as to admit his visits here.' + +'I shall never, dear ladies,' I exclaimed, relieved of an immense load +of apprehension, 'forget your kindness!' + +'But,' pursued Miss Lavinia,--'but, we would prefer to regard those +visits, Mr. Traddles, as made, at present, to us. We must guard +ourselves from recognizing any positive engagement between Mr. +Copperfield and our niece, until we have had an opportunity--' + +'Until YOU have had an opportunity, sister Lavinia,' said Miss Clarissa. + +'Be it so,' assented Miss Lavinia, with a sigh--'until I have had an +opportunity of observing them.' + +'Copperfield,' said Traddles, turning to me, 'you feel, I am sure, that +nothing could be more reasonable or considerate.' + +'Nothing!' cried I. 'I am deeply sensible of it.' + +'In this position of affairs,' said Miss Lavinia, again referring to +her notes, 'and admitting his visits on this understanding only, we +must require from Mr. Copperfield a distinct assurance, on his word of +honour, that no communication of any kind shall take place between him +and our niece without our knowledge. That no project whatever shall be +entertained with regard to our niece, without being first submitted to +us--' 'To you, sister Lavinia,' Miss Clarissa interposed. + +'Be it so, Clarissa!' assented Miss Lavinia resignedly--'to me--and +receiving our concurrence. We must make this a most express and serious +stipulation, not to be broken on any account. We wished Mr. Copperfield +to be accompanied by some confidential friend today,' with an +inclination of her head towards Traddles, who bowed, 'in order that +there might be no doubt or misconception on this subject. If Mr. +Copperfield, or if you, Mr. Traddles, feel the least scruple, in giving +this promise, I beg you to take time to consider it.' + +I exclaimed, in a state of high ecstatic fervour, that not a moment's +consideration could be necessary. I bound myself by the required +promise, in a most impassioned manner; called upon Traddles to witness +it; and denounced myself as the most atrocious of characters if I ever +swerved from it in the least degree. + +'Stay!' said Miss Lavinia, holding up her hand; 'we resolved, before we +had the pleasure of receiving you two gentlemen, to leave you alone +for a quarter of an hour, to consider this point. You will allow us to +retire.' + +It was in vain for me to say that no consideration was necessary. They +persisted in withdrawing for the specified time. Accordingly, these +little birds hopped out with great dignity; leaving me to receive the +congratulations of Traddles, and to feel as if I were translated to +regions of exquisite happiness. Exactly at the expiration of the +quarter of an hour, they reappeared with no less dignity than they had +disappeared. They had gone rustling away as if their little dresses were +made of autumn-leaves: and they came rustling back, in like manner. + +I then bound myself once more to the prescribed conditions. + +'Sister Clarissa,' said Miss Lavinia, 'the rest is with you.' + +Miss Clarissa, unfolding her arms for the first time, took the notes and +glanced at them. + +'We shall be happy,' said Miss Clarissa, 'to see Mr. Copperfield to +dinner, every Sunday, if it should suit his convenience. Our hour is +three.' + +I bowed. + +'In the course of the week,' said Miss Clarissa, 'we shall be happy to +see Mr. Copperfield to tea. Our hour is half-past six.' + +I bowed again. + +'Twice in the week,' said Miss Clarissa, 'but, as a rule, not oftener.' + +I bowed again. + +'Miss Trotwood,' said Miss Clarissa, 'mentioned in Mr. Copperfield's +letter, will perhaps call upon us. When visiting is better for the +happiness of all parties, we are glad to receive visits, and return +them. When it is better for the happiness of all parties that no +visiting should take place, (as in the case of our brother Francis, and +his establishment) that is quite different.' + +I intimated that my aunt would be proud and delighted to make their +acquaintance; though I must say I was not quite sure of their getting +on very satisfactorily together. The conditions being now closed, I +expressed my acknowledgements in the warmest manner; and, taking the +hand, first of Miss Clarissa, and then of Miss Lavinia, pressed it, in +each case, to my lips. + +Miss Lavinia then arose, and begging Mr. Traddles to excuse us for a +minute, requested me to follow her. I obeyed, all in a tremble, and was +conducted into another room. There I found my blessed darling stopping +her ears behind the door, with her dear little face against the wall; +and Jip in the plate-warmer with his head tied up in a towel. + +Oh! How beautiful she was in her black frock, and how she sobbed and +cried at first, and wouldn't come out from behind the door! How fond we +were of one another, when she did come out at last; and what a state of +bliss I was in, when we took Jip out of the plate-warmer, and restored +him to the light, sneezing very much, and were all three reunited! + +'My dearest Dora! Now, indeed, my own for ever!' + +'Oh, DON'T!' pleaded Dora. 'Please!' + +'Are you not my own for ever, Dora?' + +'Oh yes, of course I am!' cried Dora, 'but I am so frightened!' + +'Frightened, my own?' + +'Oh yes! I don't like him,' said Dora. 'Why don't he go?' + +'Who, my life?' + +'Your friend,' said Dora. 'It isn't any business of his. What a stupid +he must be!' + +'My love!' (There never was anything so coaxing as her childish ways.) +'He is the best creature!' + +'Oh, but we don't want any best creatures!' pouted Dora. + +'My dear,' I argued, 'you will soon know him well, and like him of all +things. And here is my aunt coming soon; and you'll like her of all +things too, when you know her.' + +'No, please don't bring her!' said Dora, giving me a horrified +little kiss, and folding her hands. 'Don't. I know she's a naughty, +mischief-making old thing! Don't let her come here, Doady!' which was a +corruption of David. + +Remonstrance was of no use, then; so I laughed, and admired, and was +very much in love and very happy; and she showed me Jip's new trick of +standing on his hind legs in a corner--which he did for about the space +of a flash of lightning, and then fell down--and I don't know how long I +should have stayed there, oblivious of Traddles, if Miss Lavinia had not +come in to take me away. Miss Lavinia was very fond of Dora (she told +me Dora was exactly like what she had been herself at her age--she must +have altered a good deal), and she treated Dora just as if she had been +a toy. I wanted to persuade Dora to come and see Traddles, but on my +proposing it she ran off to her own room and locked herself in; so I +went to Traddles without her, and walked away with him on air. + +'Nothing could be more satisfactory,' said Traddles; 'and they are very +agreeable old ladies, I am sure. I shouldn't be at all surprised if you +were to be married years before me, Copperfield.' + +'Does your Sophy play on any instrument, Traddles?' I inquired, in the +pride of my heart. + +'She knows enough of the piano to teach it to her little sisters,' said +Traddles. + +'Does she sing at all?' I asked. + +'Why, she sings ballads, sometimes, to freshen up the others a little +when they're out of spirits,' said Traddles. 'Nothing scientific.' + +'She doesn't sing to the guitar?' said I. + +'Oh dear no!' said Traddles. + +'Paint at all?' + +'Not at all,' said Traddles. + +I promised Traddles that he should hear Dora sing, and see some of her +flower-painting. He said he should like it very much, and we went home +arm in arm in great good humour and delight. I encouraged him to talk +about Sophy, on the way; which he did with a loving reliance on her +that I very much admired. I compared her in my mind with Dora, with +considerable inward satisfaction; but I candidly admitted to myself that +she seemed to be an excellent kind of girl for Traddles, too. + +Of course my aunt was immediately made acquainted with the successful +issue of the conference, and with all that had been said and done in the +course of it. She was happy to see me so happy, and promised to call on +Dora's aunts without loss of time. But she took such a long walk up and +down our rooms that night, while I was writing to Agnes, that I began to +think she meant to walk till morning. + +My letter to Agnes was a fervent and grateful one, narrating all the +good effects that had resulted from my following her advice. She wrote, +by return of post, to me. Her letter was hopeful, earnest, and cheerful. +She was always cheerful from that time. + +I had my hands more full than ever, now. My daily journeys to Highgate +considered, Putney was a long way off; and I naturally wanted to go +there as often as I could. The proposed tea-drinkings being quite +impracticable, I compounded with Miss Lavinia for permission to visit +every Saturday afternoon, without detriment to my privileged Sundays. +So, the close of every week was a delicious time for me; and I got +through the rest of the week by looking forward to it. + +I was wonderfully relieved to find that my aunt and Dora's aunts +rubbed on, all things considered, much more smoothly than I could have +expected. My aunt made her promised visit within a few days of the +conference; and within a few more days, Dora's aunts called upon her, +in due state and form. Similar but more friendly exchanges took place +afterwards, usually at intervals of three or four weeks. I know that my +aunt distressed Dora's aunts very much, by utterly setting at naught the +dignity of fly-conveyance, and walking out to Putney at extraordinary +times, as shortly after breakfast or just before tea; likewise by +wearing her bonnet in any manner that happened to be comfortable to her +head, without at all deferring to the prejudices of civilization on that +subject. But Dora's aunts soon agreed to regard my aunt as an eccentric +and somewhat masculine lady, with a strong understanding; and although +my aunt occasionally ruffled the feathers of Dora's aunts, by expressing +heretical opinions on various points of ceremony, she loved me too +well not to sacrifice some of her little peculiarities to the general +harmony. + +The only member of our small society who positively refused to adapt +himself to circumstances, was Jip. He never saw my aunt without +immediately displaying every tooth in his head, retiring under a chair, +and growling incessantly: with now and then a doleful howl, as if she +really were too much for his feelings. All kinds of treatment were tried +with him, coaxing, scolding, slapping, bringing him to Buckingham +Street (where he instantly dashed at the two cats, to the terror of all +beholders); but he never could prevail upon himself to bear my +aunt's society. He would sometimes think he had got the better of his +objection, and be amiable for a few minutes; and then would put up his +snub nose, and howl to that extent, that there was nothing for it but +to blind him and put him in the plate-warmer. At length, Dora regularly +muffled him in a towel and shut him up there, whenever my aunt was +reported at the door. + +One thing troubled me much, after we had fallen into this quiet train. +It was, that Dora seemed by one consent to be regarded like a pretty toy +or plaything. My aunt, with whom she gradually became familiar, always +called her Little Blossom; and the pleasure of Miss Lavinia's life was +to wait upon her, curl her hair, make ornaments for her, and treat her +like a pet child. What Miss Lavinia did, her sister did as a matter of +course. It was very odd to me; but they all seemed to treat Dora, in her +degree, much as Dora treated Jip in his. + +I made up my mind to speak to Dora about this; and one day when we were +out walking (for we were licensed by Miss Lavinia, after a while, to +go out walking by ourselves), I said to her that I wished she could get +them to behave towards her differently. + +'Because you know, my darling,' I remonstrated, 'you are not a child.' + +'There!' said Dora. 'Now you're going to be cross!' + +'Cross, my love?' + +'I am sure they're very kind to me,' said Dora, 'and I am very happy--' + +'Well! But my dearest life!' said I, 'you might be very happy, and yet +be treated rationally.' + +Dora gave me a reproachful look--the prettiest look!--and then began to +sob, saying, if I didn't like her, why had I ever wanted so much to be +engaged to her? And why didn't I go away, now, if I couldn't bear her? + +What could I do, but kiss away her tears, and tell her how I doted on +her, after that! + +'I am sure I am very affectionate,' said Dora; 'you oughtn't to be cruel +to me, Doady!' + +'Cruel, my precious love! As if I would--or could--be cruel to you, for +the world!' + +'Then don't find fault with me,' said Dora, making a rosebud of her +mouth; 'and I'll be good.' + +I was charmed by her presently asking me, of her own accord, to give +her that cookery-book I had once spoken of, and to show her how to keep +accounts as I had once promised I would. I brought the volume with me on +my next visit (I got it prettily bound, first, to make it look less dry +and more inviting); and as we strolled about the Common, I showed her an +old housekeeping-book of my aunt's, and gave her a set of tablets, and +a pretty little pencil-case and box of leads, to practise housekeeping +with. + +But the cookery-book made Dora's head ache, and the figures made her +cry. They wouldn't add up, she said. So she rubbed them out, and drew +little nosegays and likenesses of me and Jip, all over the tablets. + +Then I playfully tried verbal instruction in domestic matters, as we +walked about on a Saturday afternoon. Sometimes, for example, when we +passed a butcher's shop, I would say: + +'Now suppose, my pet, that we were married, and you were going to buy a +shoulder of mutton for dinner, would you know how to buy it?' + +My pretty little Dora's face would fall, and she would make her mouth +into a bud again, as if she would very much prefer to shut mine with a +kiss. + +'Would you know how to buy it, my darling?' I would repeat, perhaps, if +I were very inflexible. + +Dora would think a little, and then reply, perhaps, with great triumph: + +'Why, the butcher would know how to sell it, and what need I know? Oh, +you silly boy!' + +So, when I once asked Dora, with an eye to the cookery-book, what she +would do, if we were married, and I were to say I should like a nice +Irish stew, she replied that she would tell the servant to make it; and +then clapped her little hands together across my arm, and laughed in +such a charming manner that she was more delightful than ever. + +Consequently, the principal use to which the cookery-book was devoted, +was being put down in the corner for Jip to stand upon. But Dora was so +pleased, when she had trained him to stand upon it without offering to +come off, and at the same time to hold the pencil-case in his mouth, +that I was very glad I had bought it. + +And we fell back on the guitar-case, and the flower-painting, and the +songs about never leaving off dancing, Ta ra la! and were as happy as +the week was long. I occasionally wished I could venture to hint to Miss +Lavinia, that she treated the darling of my heart a little too much like +a plaything; and I sometimes awoke, as it were, wondering to find that +I had fallen into the general fault, and treated her like a plaything +too--but not often. + + + +CHAPTER 42. MISCHIEF + +I feel as if it were not for me to record, even though this manuscript +is intended for no eyes but mine, how hard I worked at that tremendous +short-hand, and all improvement appertaining to it, in my sense of +responsibility to Dora and her aunts. I will only add, to what I have +already written of my perseverance at this time of my life, and of a +patient and continuous energy which then began to be matured within me, +and which I know to be the strong part of my character, if it have any +strength at all, that there, on looking back, I find the source of my +success. I have been very fortunate in worldly matters; many men have +worked much harder, and not succeeded half so well; but I never could +have done what I have done, without the habits of punctuality, order, +and diligence, without the determination to concentrate myself on one +object at a time, no matter how quickly its successor should come upon +its heels, which I then formed. Heaven knows I write this, in no spirit +of self-laudation. The man who reviews his own life, as I do mine, +in going on here, from page to page, had need to have been a good man +indeed, if he would be spared the sharp consciousness of many talents +neglected, many opportunities wasted, many erratic and perverted +feelings constantly at war within his breast, and defeating him. I +do not hold one natural gift, I dare say, that I have not abused. My +meaning simply is, that whatever I have tried to do in life, I have +tried with all my heart to do well; that whatever I have devoted myself +to, I have devoted myself to completely; that in great aims and in +small, I have always been thoroughly in earnest. I have never believed +it possible that any natural or improved ability can claim immunity from +the companionship of the steady, plain, hard-working qualities, and +hope to gain its end. There is no such thing as such fulfilment on this +earth. Some happy talent, and some fortunate opportunity, may form the +two sides of the ladder on which some men mount, but the rounds of that +ladder must be made of stuff to stand wear and tear; and there is no +substitute for thorough-going, ardent, and sincere earnestness. Never +to put one hand to anything, on which I could throw my whole self; and +never to affect depreciation of my work, whatever it was; I find, now, +to have been my golden rules. + +How much of the practice I have just reduced to precept, I owe to Agnes, +I will not repeat here. My narrative proceeds to Agnes, with a thankful +love. + +She came on a visit of a fortnight to the Doctor's. Mr. Wickfield was +the Doctor's old friend, and the Doctor wished to talk with him, and +do him good. It had been matter of conversation with Agnes when she was +last in town, and this visit was the result. She and her father came +together. I was not much surprised to hear from her that she had engaged +to find a lodging in the neighbourhood for Mrs. Heep, whose rheumatic +complaint required change of air, and who would be charmed to have it in +such company. Neither was I surprised when, on the very next day, Uriah, +like a dutiful son, brought his worthy mother to take possession. + +'You see, Master Copperfield,' said he, as he forced himself upon my +company for a turn in the Doctor's garden, 'where a person loves, a +person is a little jealous--leastways, anxious to keep an eye on the +beloved one.' + +'Of whom are you jealous, now?' said I. + +'Thanks to you, Master Copperfield,' he returned, 'of no one in +particular just at present--no male person, at least.' + +'Do you mean that you are jealous of a female person?' + +He gave me a sidelong glance out of his sinister red eyes, and laughed. + +'Really, Master Copperfield,' he said, '--I should say Mister, but I +know you'll excuse the abit I've got into--you're so insinuating, that +you draw me like a corkscrew! Well, I don't mind telling you,' putting +his fish-like hand on mine, 'I'm not a lady's man in general, sir, and I +never was, with Mrs. Strong.' + +His eyes looked green now, as they watched mine with a rascally cunning. + +'What do you mean?' said I. + +'Why, though I am a lawyer, Master Copperfield,' he replied, with a dry +grin, 'I mean, just at present, what I say.' + +'And what do you mean by your look?' I retorted, quietly. + +'By my look? Dear me, Copperfield, that's sharp practice! What do I mean +by my look?' + +'Yes,' said I. 'By your look.' + +He seemed very much amused, and laughed as heartily as it was in his +nature to laugh. After some scraping of his chin with his hand, he went +on to say, with his eyes cast downward--still scraping, very slowly: + +'When I was but an umble clerk, she always looked down upon me. She was +for ever having my Agnes backwards and forwards at her ouse, and she was +for ever being a friend to you, Master Copperfield; but I was too far +beneath her, myself, to be noticed.' + +'Well?' said I; 'suppose you were!' + +'--And beneath him too,' pursued Uriah, very distinctly, and in a +meditative tone of voice, as he continued to scrape his chin. + +'Don't you know the Doctor better,' said I, 'than to suppose him +conscious of your existence, when you were not before him?' + +He directed his eyes at me in that sidelong glance again, and he made +his face very lantern-jawed, for the greater convenience of scraping, as +he answered: + +'Oh dear, I am not referring to the Doctor! Oh no, poor man! I mean Mr. +Maldon!' + +My heart quite died within me. All my old doubts and apprehensions on +that subject, all the Doctor's happiness and peace, all the mingled +possibilities of innocence and compromise, that I could not unravel, I +saw, in a moment, at the mercy of this fellow's twisting. + +'He never could come into the office, without ordering and shoving me +about,' said Uriah. 'One of your fine gentlemen he was! I was very meek +and umble--and I am. But I didn't like that sort of thing--and I don't!' + +He left off scraping his chin, and sucked in his cheeks until they +seemed to meet inside; keeping his sidelong glance upon me all the +while. + +'She is one of your lovely women, she is,' he pursued, when he had +slowly restored his face to its natural form; 'and ready to be no friend +to such as me, I know. She's just the person as would put my Agnes up +to higher sort of game. Now, I ain't one of your lady's men, Master +Copperfield; but I've had eyes in my ed, a pretty long time back. We +umble ones have got eyes, mostly speaking--and we look out of 'em.' + +I endeavoured to appear unconscious and not disquieted, but, I saw in +his face, with poor success. + +'Now, I'm not a-going to let myself be run down, Copperfield,' he +continued, raising that part of his countenance, where his red eyebrows +would have been if he had had any, with malignant triumph, 'and I shall +do what I can to put a stop to this friendship. I don't approve of it. +I don't mind acknowledging to you that I've got rather a grudging +disposition, and want to keep off all intruders. I ain't a-going, if I +know it, to run the risk of being plotted against.' + +'You are always plotting, and delude yourself into the belief that +everybody else is doing the like, I think,' said I. + +'Perhaps so, Master Copperfield,' he replied. 'But I've got a motive, as +my fellow-partner used to say; and I go at it tooth and nail. I mustn't +be put upon, as a numble person, too much. I can't allow people in my +way. Really they must come out of the cart, Master Copperfield!' + +'I don't understand you,' said I. + +'Don't you, though?' he returned, with one of his jerks. 'I'm astonished +at that, Master Copperfield, you being usually so quick! I'll try to be +plainer, another time.---Is that Mr. Maldon a-norseback, ringing at the +gate, sir?' + +'It looks like him,' I replied, as carelessly as I could. + +Uriah stopped short, put his hands between his great knobs of knees, and +doubled himself up with laughter. With perfectly silent laughter. Not +a sound escaped from him. I was so repelled by his odious behaviour, +particularly by this concluding instance, that I turned away without any +ceremony; and left him doubled up in the middle of the garden, like a +scarecrow in want of support. + +It was not on that evening; but, as I well remember, on the next evening +but one, which was a Sunday; that I took Agnes to see Dora. I had +arranged the visit, beforehand, with Miss Lavinia; and Agnes was +expected to tea. + +I was in a flutter of pride and anxiety; pride in my dear little +betrothed, and anxiety that Agnes should like her. All the way to +Putney, Agnes being inside the stage-coach, and I outside, I pictured +Dora to myself in every one of the pretty looks I knew so well; now +making up my mind that I should like her to look exactly as she looked +at such a time, and then doubting whether I should not prefer her +looking as she looked at such another time; and almost worrying myself +into a fever about it. + +I was troubled by no doubt of her being very pretty, in any case; but +it fell out that I had never seen her look so well. She was not in the +drawing-room when I presented Agnes to her little aunts, but was shyly +keeping out of the way. I knew where to look for her, now; and sure +enough I found her stopping her ears again, behind the same dull old +door. + +At first she wouldn't come at all; and then she pleaded for five minutes +by my watch. When at length she put her arm through mine, to be taken +to the drawing-room, her charming little face was flushed, and had never +been so pretty. But, when we went into the room, and it turned pale, she +was ten thousand times prettier yet. + +Dora was afraid of Agnes. She had told me that she knew Agnes was +'too clever'. But when she saw her looking at once so cheerful and so +earnest, and so thoughtful, and so good, she gave a faint little cry of +pleased surprise, and just put her affectionate arms round Agnes's neck, +and laid her innocent cheek against her face. + +I never was so happy. I never was so pleased as when I saw those two sit +down together, side by side. As when I saw my little darling looking up +so naturally to those cordial eyes. As when I saw the tender, beautiful +regard which Agnes cast upon her. + +Miss Lavinia and Miss Clarissa partook, in their way, of my joy. It was +the pleasantest tea-table in the world. Miss Clarissa presided. I cut +and handed the sweet seed-cake--the little sisters had a bird-like +fondness for picking up seeds and pecking at sugar; Miss Lavinia looked +on with benignant patronage, as if our happy love were all her work; and +we were perfectly contented with ourselves and one another. + +The gentle cheerfulness of Agnes went to all their hearts. Her quiet +interest in everything that interested Dora; her manner of making +acquaintance with Jip (who responded instantly); her pleasant way, when +Dora was ashamed to come over to her usual seat by me; her modest grace +and ease, eliciting a crowd of blushing little marks of confidence from +Dora; seemed to make our circle quite complete. + +'I am so glad,' said Dora, after tea, 'that you like me. I didn't think +you would; and I want, more than ever, to be liked, now Julia Mills is +gone.' + +I have omitted to mention it, by the by. Miss Mills had sailed, and Dora +and I had gone aboard a great East Indiaman at Gravesend to see her; +and we had had preserved ginger, and guava, and other delicacies of that +sort for lunch; and we had left Miss Mills weeping on a camp-stool on +the quarter-deck, with a large new diary under her arm, in which the +original reflections awakened by the contemplation of Ocean were to be +recorded under lock and key. + +Agnes said she was afraid I must have given her an unpromising +character; but Dora corrected that directly. + +'Oh no!' she said, shaking her curls at me; 'it was all praise. He +thinks so much of your opinion, that I was quite afraid of it.' + +'My good opinion cannot strengthen his attachment to some people whom he +knows,' said Agnes, with a smile; 'it is not worth their having.' + +'But please let me have it,' said Dora, in her coaxing way, 'if you +can!' + +We made merry about Dora's wanting to be liked, and Dora said I was a +goose, and she didn't like me at any rate, and the short evening flew +away on gossamer-wings. The time was at hand when the coach was to call +for us. I was standing alone before the fire, when Dora came stealing +softly in, to give me that usual precious little kiss before I went. + +'Don't you think, if I had had her for a friend a long time ago, Doady,' +said Dora, her bright eyes shining very brightly, and her little right +hand idly busying itself with one of the buttons of my coat, 'I might +have been more clever perhaps?' + +'My love!' said I, 'what nonsense!' + +'Do you think it is nonsense?' returned Dora, without looking at me. +'Are you sure it is?' + +'Of course I am!' 'I have forgotten,' said Dora, still turning the +button round and round, 'what relation Agnes is to you, you dear bad +boy.' + +'No blood-relation,' I replied; 'but we were brought up together, like +brother and sister.' + +'I wonder why you ever fell in love with me?' said Dora, beginning on +another button of my coat. + +'Perhaps because I couldn't see you, and not love you, Dora!' + +'Suppose you had never seen me at all,' said Dora, going to another +button. + +'Suppose we had never been born!' said I, gaily. + +I wondered what she was thinking about, as I glanced in admiring silence +at the little soft hand travelling up the row of buttons on my coat, and +at the clustering hair that lay against my breast, and at the lashes of +her downcast eyes, slightly rising as they followed her idle fingers. At +length her eyes were lifted up to mine, and she stood on tiptoe to +give me, more thoughtfully than usual, that precious little kiss--once, +twice, three times--and went out of the room. + +They all came back together within five minutes afterwards, and Dora's +unusual thoughtfulness was quite gone then. She was laughingly resolved +to put Jip through the whole of his performances, before the coach came. +They took some time (not so much on account of their variety, as Jip's +reluctance), and were still unfinished when it was heard at the door. +There was a hurried but affectionate parting between Agnes and herself; +and Dora was to write to Agnes (who was not to mind her letters being +foolish, she said), and Agnes was to write to Dora; and they had a +second parting at the coach door, and a third when Dora, in spite of +the remonstrances of Miss Lavinia, would come running out once more to +remind Agnes at the coach window about writing, and to shake her curls +at me on the box. + +The stage-coach was to put us down near Covent Garden, where we were +to take another stage-coach for Highgate. I was impatient for the short +walk in the interval, that Agnes might praise Dora to me. Ah! what +praise it was! How lovingly and fervently did it commend the pretty +creature I had won, with all her artless graces best displayed, to my +most gentle care! How thoughtfully remind me, yet with no pretence of +doing so, of the trust in which I held the orphan child! + +Never, never, had I loved Dora so deeply and truly, as I loved her that +night. When we had again alighted, and were walking in the starlight +along the quiet road that led to the Doctor's house, I told Agnes it was +her doing. + +'When you were sitting by her,' said I, 'you seemed to be no less her +guardian angel than mine; and you seem so now, Agnes.' + +'A poor angel,' she returned, 'but faithful.' + +The clear tone of her voice, going straight to my heart, made it natural +to me to say: + +'The cheerfulness that belongs to you, Agnes (and to no one else that +ever I have seen), is so restored, I have observed today, that I have +begun to hope you are happier at home?' + +'I am happier in myself,' she said; 'I am quite cheerful and +light-hearted.' + +I glanced at the serene face looking upward, and thought it was the +stars that made it seem so noble. + +'There has been no change at home,' said Agnes, after a few moments. + +'No fresh reference,' said I, 'to--I wouldn't distress you, Agnes, but I +cannot help asking--to what we spoke of, when we parted last?' + +'No, none,' she answered. + +'I have thought so much about it.' + +'You must think less about it. Remember that I confide in simple love +and truth at last. Have no apprehensions for me, Trotwood,' she added, +after a moment; 'the step you dread my taking, I shall never take.' + +Although I think I had never really feared it, in any season of cool +reflection, it was an unspeakable relief to me to have this assurance +from her own truthful lips. I told her so, earnestly. + +'And when this visit is over,' said I,--'for we may not be alone another +time,--how long is it likely to be, my dear Agnes, before you come to +London again?' + +'Probably a long time,' she replied; 'I think it will be best--for +papa's sake--to remain at home. We are not likely to meet often, for +some time to come; but I shall be a good correspondent of Dora's, and we +shall frequently hear of one another that way.' + +We were now within the little courtyard of the Doctor's cottage. It was +growing late. There was a light in the window of Mrs. Strong's chamber, +and Agnes, pointing to it, bade me good night. + +'Do not be troubled,' she said, giving me her hand, 'by our misfortunes +and anxieties. I can be happier in nothing than in your happiness. If +you can ever give me help, rely upon it I will ask you for it. God +bless you always!' In her beaming smile, and in these last tones of her +cheerful voice, I seemed again to see and hear my little Dora in her +company. I stood awhile, looking through the porch at the stars, with +a heart full of love and gratitude, and then walked slowly forth. I had +engaged a bed at a decent alehouse close by, and was going out at the +gate, when, happening to turn my head, I saw a light in the Doctor's +study. A half-reproachful fancy came into my mind, that he had been +working at the Dictionary without my help. With the view of seeing if +this were so, and, in any case, of bidding him good night, if he were +yet sitting among his books, I turned back, and going softly across the +hall, and gently opening the door, looked in. + +The first person whom I saw, to my surprise, by the sober light of the +shaded lamp, was Uriah. He was standing close beside it, with one of +his skeleton hands over his mouth, and the other resting on the Doctor's +table. The Doctor sat in his study chair, covering his face with his +hands. Mr. Wickfield, sorely troubled and distressed, was leaning +forward, irresolutely touching the Doctor's arm. + +For an instant, I supposed that the Doctor was ill. I hastily advanced a +step under that impression, when I met Uriah's eye, and saw what was the +matter. I would have withdrawn, but the Doctor made a gesture to detain +me, and I remained. + +'At any rate,' observed Uriah, with a writhe of his ungainly person, 'we +may keep the door shut. We needn't make it known to ALL the town.' + +Saying which, he went on his toes to the door, which I had left open, +and carefully closed it. He then came back, and took up his former +position. There was an obtrusive show of compassionate zeal in his voice +and manner, more intolerable--at least to me--than any demeanour he +could have assumed. + +'I have felt it incumbent upon me, Master Copperfield,' said Uriah, 'to +point out to Doctor Strong what you and me have already talked about. +You didn't exactly understand me, though?' + +I gave him a look, but no other answer; and, going to my good old +master, said a few words that I meant to be words of comfort and +encouragement. He put his hand upon my shoulder, as it had been his +custom to do when I was quite a little fellow, but did not lift his grey +head. + +'As you didn't understand me, Master Copperfield,' resumed Uriah in +the same officious manner, 'I may take the liberty of umbly mentioning, +being among friends, that I have called Doctor Strong's attention to the +goings-on of Mrs. Strong. It's much against the grain with me, I assure +you, Copperfield, to be concerned in anything so unpleasant; but really, +as it is, we're all mixing ourselves up with what oughtn't to be. That +was what my meaning was, sir, when you didn't understand me.' I wonder +now, when I recall his leer, that I did not collar him, and try to shake +the breath out of his body. + +'I dare say I didn't make myself very clear,' he went on, 'nor you +neither. Naturally, we was both of us inclined to give such a subject +a wide berth. Hows'ever, at last I have made up my mind to speak plain; +and I have mentioned to Doctor Strong that--did you speak, sir?' + +This was to the Doctor, who had moaned. The sound might have touched any +heart, I thought, but it had no effect upon Uriah's. + +'--mentioned to Doctor Strong,' he proceeded, 'that anyone may see that +Mr. Maldon, and the lovely and agreeable lady as is Doctor Strong's +wife, are too sweet on one another. Really the time is come (we being at +present all mixing ourselves up with what oughtn't to be), when Doctor +Strong must be told that this was full as plain to everybody as the sun, +before Mr. Maldon went to India; that Mr. Maldon made excuses to come +back, for nothing else; and that he's always here, for nothing else. +When you come in, sir, I was just putting it to my fellow-partner,' +towards whom he turned, 'to say to Doctor Strong upon his word and +honour, whether he'd ever been of this opinion long ago, or not. Come, +Mr. Wickfield, sir! Would you be so good as tell us? Yes or no, sir? +Come, partner!' + +'For God's sake, my dear Doctor,' said Mr. Wickfield again laying his +irresolute hand upon the Doctor's arm, 'don't attach too much weight to +any suspicions I may have entertained.' + +'There!' cried Uriah, shaking his head. 'What a melancholy confirmation: +ain't it? Him! Such an old friend! Bless your soul, when I was nothing +but a clerk in his office, Copperfield, I've seen him twenty times, if +I've seen him once, quite in a taking about it--quite put out, you know +(and very proper in him as a father; I'm sure I can't blame him), to +think that Miss Agnes was mixing herself up with what oughtn't to be.' + +'My dear Strong,' said Mr. Wickfield in a tremulous voice, 'my good +friend, I needn't tell you that it has been my vice to look for some one +master motive in everybody, and to try all actions by one narrow test. I +may have fallen into such doubts as I have had, through this mistake.' + +'You have had doubts, Wickfield,' said the Doctor, without lifting up +his head. 'You have had doubts.' + +'Speak up, fellow-partner,' urged Uriah. + +'I had, at one time, certainly,' said Mr. Wickfield. 'I--God forgive +me--I thought YOU had.' + +'No, no, no!' returned the Doctor, in a tone of most pathetic grief. +'I thought, at one time,' said Mr. Wickfield, 'that you wished to send +Maldon abroad to effect a desirable separation.' + +'No, no, no!' returned the Doctor. 'To give Annie pleasure, by making +some provision for the companion of her childhood. Nothing else.' + +'So I found,' said Mr. Wickfield. 'I couldn't doubt it, when you told +me so. But I thought--I implore you to remember the narrow construction +which has been my besetting sin--that, in a case where there was so much +disparity in point of years--' + +'That's the way to put it, you see, Master Copperfield!' observed Uriah, +with fawning and offensive pity. + +'--a lady of such youth, and such attractions, however real her +respect for you, might have been influenced in marrying, by worldly +considerations only. I make no allowance for innumerable feelings +and circumstances that may have all tended to good. For Heaven's sake +remember that!' + +'How kind he puts it!' said Uriah, shaking his head. + +'Always observing her from one point of view,' said Mr. Wickfield; 'but +by all that is dear to you, my old friend, I entreat you to consider +what it was; I am forced to confess now, having no escape-' + +'No! There's no way out of it, Mr. Wickfield, sir,' observed Uriah, +'when it's got to this.' + +'--that I did,' said Mr. Wickfield, glancing helplessly and distractedly +at his partner, 'that I did doubt her, and think her wanting in her +duty to you; and that I did sometimes, if I must say all, feel averse +to Agnes being in such a familiar relation towards her, as to see what I +saw, or in my diseased theory fancied that I saw. I never mentioned +this to anyone. I never meant it to be known to anyone. And though it +is terrible to you to hear,' said Mr. Wickfield, quite subdued, 'if you +knew how terrible it is for me to tell, you would feel compassion for +me!' + +The Doctor, in the perfect goodness of his nature, put out his hand. Mr. +Wickfield held it for a little while in his, with his head bowed down. + +'I am sure,' said Uriah, writhing himself into the silence like a +Conger-eel, 'that this is a subject full of unpleasantness to everybody. +But since we have got so far, I ought to take the liberty of mentioning +that Copperfield has noticed it too.' + +I turned upon him, and asked him how he dared refer to me! + +'Oh! it's very kind of you, Copperfield,' returned Uriah, undulating all +over, 'and we all know what an amiable character yours is; but you know +that the moment I spoke to you the other night, you knew what I meant. +You know you knew what I meant, Copperfield. Don't deny it! You deny it +with the best intentions; but don't do it, Copperfield.' + +I saw the mild eye of the good old Doctor turned upon me for a moment, +and I felt that the confession of my old misgivings and remembrances +was too plainly written in my face to be overlooked. It was of no use +raging. I could not undo that. Say what I would, I could not unsay it. + +We were silent again, and remained so, until the Doctor rose and walked +twice or thrice across the room. Presently he returned to where his +chair stood; and, leaning on the back of it, and occasionally putting +his handkerchief to his eyes, with a simple honesty that did him more +honour, to my thinking, than any disguise he could have effected, said: + +'I have been much to blame. I believe I have been very much to blame. +I have exposed one whom I hold in my heart, to trials and aspersions--I +call them aspersions, even to have been conceived in anybody's inmost +mind--of which she never, but for me, could have been the object.' + +Uriah Heep gave a kind of snivel. I think to express sympathy. + +'Of which my Annie,' said the Doctor, 'never, but for me, could have +been the object. Gentlemen, I am old now, as you know; I do not feel, +tonight, that I have much to live for. But my life--my Life--upon the +truth and honour of the dear lady who has been the subject of this +conversation!' + +I do not think that the best embodiment of chivalry, the realization of +the handsomest and most romantic figure ever imagined by painter, could +have said this, with a more impressive and affecting dignity than the +plain old Doctor did. + +'But I am not prepared,' he went on, 'to deny--perhaps I may have been, +without knowing it, in some degree prepared to admit--that I may have +unwittingly ensnared that lady into an unhappy marriage. I am a man +quite unaccustomed to observe; and I cannot but believe that the +observation of several people, of different ages and positions, all too +plainly tending in one direction (and that so natural), is better than +mine.' + +I had often admired, as I have elsewhere described, his benignant manner +towards his youthful wife; but the respectful tenderness he manifested +in every reference to her on this occasion, and the almost reverential +manner in which he put away from him the lightest doubt of her +integrity, exalted him, in my eyes, beyond description. + +'I married that lady,' said the Doctor, 'when she was extremely young. I +took her to myself when her character was scarcely formed. So far as it +was developed, it had been my happiness to form it. I knew her father +well. I knew her well. I had taught her what I could, for the love of +all her beautiful and virtuous qualities. If I did her wrong; as I fear +I did, in taking advantage (but I never meant it) of her gratitude and +her affection; I ask pardon of that lady, in my heart!' + +He walked across the room, and came back to the same place; holding +the chair with a grasp that trembled, like his subdued voice, in its +earnestness. + +'I regarded myself as a refuge, for her, from the dangers and +vicissitudes of life. I persuaded myself that, unequal though we were in +years, she would live tranquilly and contentedly with me. I did not shut +out of my consideration the time when I should leave her free, and still +young and still beautiful, but with her judgement more matured--no, +gentlemen--upon my truth!' + +His homely figure seemed to be lightened up by his fidelity and +generosity. Every word he uttered had a force that no other grace could +have imparted to it. + +'My life with this lady has been very happy. Until tonight, I have +had uninterrupted occasion to bless the day on which I did her great +injustice.' + +His voice, more and more faltering in the utterance of these words, +stopped for a few moments; then he went on: + +'Once awakened from my dream--I have been a poor dreamer, in one way or +other, all my life--I see how natural it is that she should have some +regretful feeling towards her old companion and her equal. That she does +regard him with some innocent regret, with some blameless thoughts of +what might have been, but for me, is, I fear, too true. Much that I have +seen, but not noted, has come back upon me with new meaning, during +this last trying hour. But, beyond this, gentlemen, the dear lady's name +never must be coupled with a word, a breath, of doubt.' + +For a little while, his eye kindled and his voice was firm; for a little +while he was again silent. Presently, he proceeded as before: + +'It only remains for me, to bear the knowledge of the unhappiness I have +occasioned, as submissively as I can. It is she who should reproach; not +I. To save her from misconstruction, cruel misconstruction, that even my +friends have not been able to avoid, becomes my duty. The more retired +we live, the better I shall discharge it. And when the time comes--may +it come soon, if it be His merciful pleasure!--when my death shall +release her from constraint, I shall close my eyes upon her honoured +face, with unbounded confidence and love; and leave her, with no sorrow +then, to happier and brighter days.' + +I could not see him for the tears which his earnestness and goodness, +so adorned by, and so adorning, the perfect simplicity of his manner, +brought into my eyes. He had moved to the door, when he added: + +'Gentlemen, I have shown you my heart. I am sure you will respect it. +What we have said tonight is never to be said more. Wickfield, give me +an old friend's arm upstairs!' + +Mr. Wickfield hastened to him. Without interchanging a word they went +slowly out of the room together, Uriah looking after them. + +'Well, Master Copperfield!' said Uriah, meekly turning to me. 'The thing +hasn't took quite the turn that might have been expected, for the old +Scholar--what an excellent man!--is as blind as a brickbat; but this +family's out of the cart, I think!' + +I needed but the sound of his voice to be so madly enraged as I never +was before, and never have been since. + +'You villain,' said I, 'what do you mean by entrapping me into your +schemes? How dare you appeal to me just now, you false rascal, as if we +had been in discussion together?' + +As we stood, front to front, I saw so plainly, in the stealthy +exultation of his face, what I already so plainly knew; I mean that he +forced his confidence upon me, expressly to make me miserable, and had +set a deliberate trap for me in this very matter; that I couldn't bear +it. The whole of his lank cheek was invitingly before me, and I struck +it with my open hand with that force that my fingers tingled as if I had +burnt them. + +He caught the hand in his, and we stood in that connexion, looking at +each other. We stood so, a long time; long enough for me to see the +white marks of my fingers die out of the deep red of his cheek, and +leave it a deeper red. + +'Copperfield,' he said at length, in a breathless voice, 'have you taken +leave of your senses?' + +'I have taken leave of you,' said I, wresting my hand away. 'You dog, +I'll know no more of you.' + +'Won't you?' said he, constrained by the pain of his cheek to put his +hand there. 'Perhaps you won't be able to help it. Isn't this ungrateful +of you, now?' + +'I have shown you often enough,' said I, 'that I despise you. I have +shown you now, more plainly, that I do. Why should I dread your doing +your worst to all about you? What else do you ever do?' + +He perfectly understood this allusion to the considerations that had +hitherto restrained me in my communications with him. I rather think +that neither the blow, nor the allusion, would have escaped me, but for +the assurance I had had from Agnes that night. It is no matter. + +There was another long pause. His eyes, as he looked at me, seemed to +take every shade of colour that could make eyes ugly. + +'Copperfield,' he said, removing his hand from his cheek, 'you have +always gone against me. I know you always used to be against me at Mr. +Wickfield's.' + +'You may think what you like,' said I, still in a towering rage. 'If it +is not true, so much the worthier you.' + +'And yet I always liked you, Copperfield!' he rejoined. + +I deigned to make him no reply; and, taking up my hat, was going out to +bed, when he came between me and the door. + +'Copperfield,' he said, 'there must be two parties to a quarrel. I won't +be one.' + +'You may go to the devil!' said I. + +'Don't say that!' he replied. 'I know you'll be sorry afterwards. How +can you make yourself so inferior to me, as to show such a bad spirit? +But I forgive you.' + +'You forgive me!' I repeated disdainfully. + +'I do, and you can't help yourself,' replied Uriah. 'To think of your +going and attacking me, that have always been a friend to you! But there +can't be a quarrel without two parties, and I won't be one. I will be +a friend to you, in spite of you. So now you know what you've got to +expect.' + +The necessity of carrying on this dialogue (his part in which was +very slow; mine very quick) in a low tone, that the house might not be +disturbed at an unseasonable hour, did not improve my temper; though my +passion was cooling down. Merely telling him that I should expect from +him what I always had expected, and had never yet been disappointed in, +I opened the door upon him, as if he had been a great walnut put there +to be cracked, and went out of the house. But he slept out of the house +too, at his mother's lodging; and before I had gone many hundred yards, +came up with me. + +'You know, Copperfield,' he said, in my ear (I did not turn my head), +'you're in quite a wrong position'; which I felt to be true, and that +made me chafe the more; 'you can't make this a brave thing, and you +can't help being forgiven. I don't intend to mention it to mother, nor +to any living soul. I'm determined to forgive you. But I do wonder +that you should lift your hand against a person that you knew to be so +umble!' + +I felt only less mean than he. He knew me better than I knew myself. If +he had retorted or openly exasperated me, it would have been a relief +and a justification; but he had put me on a slow fire, on which I lay +tormented half the night. + +In the morning, when I came out, the early church-bell was ringing, +and he was walking up and down with his mother. He addressed me as if +nothing had happened, and I could do no less than reply. I had struck +him hard enough to give him the toothache, I suppose. At all events +his face was tied up in a black silk handkerchief, which, with his hat +perched on the top of it, was far from improving his appearance. I heard +that he went to a dentist's in London on the Monday morning, and had a +tooth out. I hope it was a double one. + +The Doctor gave out that he was not quite well; and remained alone, for +a considerable part of every day, during the remainder of the visit. +Agnes and her father had been gone a week, before we resumed our usual +work. On the day preceding its resumption, the Doctor gave me with his +own hands a folded note not sealed. It was addressed to myself; and laid +an injunction on me, in a few affectionate words, never to refer to the +subject of that evening. I had confided it to my aunt, but to no +one else. It was not a subject I could discuss with Agnes, and Agnes +certainly had not the least suspicion of what had passed. + +Neither, I felt convinced, had Mrs. Strong then. Several weeks elapsed +before I saw the least change in her. It came on slowly, like a cloud +when there is no wind. At first, she seemed to wonder at the gentle +compassion with which the Doctor spoke to her, and at his wish that she +should have her mother with her, to relieve the dull monotony of her +life. Often, when we were at work, and she was sitting by, I would see +her pausing and looking at him with that memorable face. Afterwards, I +sometimes observed her rise, with her eyes full of tears, and go out +of the room. Gradually, an unhappy shadow fell upon her beauty, and +deepened every day. Mrs. Markleham was a regular inmate of the cottage +then; but she talked and talked, and saw nothing. + +As this change stole on Annie, once like sunshine in the Doctor's house, +the Doctor became older in appearance, and more grave; but the sweetness +of his temper, the placid kindness of his manner, and his benevolent +solicitude for her, if they were capable of any increase, were +increased. I saw him once, early on the morning of her birthday, when +she came to sit in the window while we were at work (which she had +always done, but now began to do with a timid and uncertain air that I +thought very touching), take her forehead between his hands, kiss it, +and go hurriedly away, too much moved to remain. I saw her stand where +he had left her, like a statue; and then bend down her head, and clasp +her hands, and weep, I cannot say how sorrowfully. + +Sometimes, after that, I fancied that she tried to speak even to me, +in intervals when we were left alone. But she never uttered a word. The +Doctor always had some new project for her participating in amusements +away from home, with her mother; and Mrs. Markleham, who was very fond +of amusements, and very easily dissatisfied with anything else, entered +into them with great good-will, and was loud in her commendations. But +Annie, in a spiritless unhappy way, only went whither she was led, and +seemed to have no care for anything. + +I did not know what to think. Neither did my aunt; who must have walked, +at various times, a hundred miles in her uncertainty. What was strangest +of all was, that the only real relief which seemed to make its way into +the secret region of this domestic unhappiness, made its way there in +the person of Mr. Dick. + +What his thoughts were on the subject, or what his observation was, I am +as unable to explain, as I dare say he would have been to assist me in +the task. But, as I have recorded in the narrative of my school days, +his veneration for the Doctor was unbounded; and there is a subtlety of +perception in real attachment, even when it is borne towards man by one +of the lower animals, which leaves the highest intellect behind. To this +mind of the heart, if I may call it so, in Mr. Dick, some bright ray of +the truth shot straight. + +He had proudly resumed his privilege, in many of his spare hours, +of walking up and down the garden with the Doctor; as he had been +accustomed to pace up and down The Doctor's Walk at Canterbury. But +matters were no sooner in this state, than he devoted all his spare time +(and got up earlier to make it more) to these perambulations. If he had +never been so happy as when the Doctor read that marvellous performance, +the Dictionary, to him; he was now quite miserable unless the Doctor +pulled it out of his pocket, and began. When the Doctor and I were +engaged, he now fell into the custom of walking up and down with Mrs. +Strong, and helping her to trim her favourite flowers, or weed the +beds. I dare say he rarely spoke a dozen words in an hour: but his quiet +interest, and his wistful face, found immediate response in both their +breasts; each knew that the other liked him, and that he loved both; and +he became what no one else could be--a link between them. + +When I think of him, with his impenetrably wise face, walking up and +down with the Doctor, delighted to be battered by the hard words in the +Dictionary; when I think of him carrying huge watering-pots after Annie; +kneeling down, in very paws of gloves, at patient microscopic work among +the little leaves; expressing as no philosopher could have expressed, +in everything he did, a delicate desire to be her friend; showering +sympathy, trustfulness, and affection, out of every hole in the +watering-pot; when I think of him never wandering in that better mind +of his to which unhappiness addressed itself, never bringing the +unfortunate King Charles into the garden, never wavering in his grateful +service, never diverted from his knowledge that there was something +wrong, or from his wish to set it right--I really feel almost ashamed +of having known that he was not quite in his wits, taking account of the +utmost I have done with mine. + +'Nobody but myself, Trot, knows what that man is!' my aunt would proudly +remark, when we conversed about it. 'Dick will distinguish himself yet!' + +I must refer to one other topic before I close this chapter. While the +visit at the Doctor's was still in progress, I observed that the postman +brought two or three letters every morning for Uriah Heep, who remained +at Highgate until the rest went back, it being a leisure time; and that +these were always directed in a business-like manner by Mr. Micawber, +who now assumed a round legal hand. I was glad to infer, from these +slight premises, that Mr. Micawber was doing well; and consequently was +much surprised to receive, about this time, the following letter from +his amiable wife. + + + + 'CANTERBURY, Monday Evening. + +'You will doubtless be surprised, my dear Mr. Copperfield, to receive +this communication. Still more so, by its contents. Still more so, by +the stipulation of implicit confidence which I beg to impose. But my +feelings as a wife and mother require relief; and as I do not wish to +consult my family (already obnoxious to the feelings of Mr. Micawber), +I know no one of whom I can better ask advice than my friend and former +lodger. + +'You may be aware, my dear Mr. Copperfield, that between myself and Mr. +Micawber (whom I will never desert), there has always been preserved a +spirit of mutual confidence. Mr. Micawber may have occasionally given +a bill without consulting me, or he may have misled me as to the period +when that obligation would become due. This has actually happened. +But, in general, Mr. Micawber has had no secrets from the bosom of +affection--I allude to his wife--and has invariably, on our retirement +to rest, recalled the events of the day. + +'You will picture to yourself, my dear Mr. Copperfield, what the +poignancy of my feelings must be, when I inform you that Mr. Micawber is +entirely changed. He is reserved. He is secret. His life is a mystery to +the partner of his joys and sorrows--I again allude to his wife--and if +I should assure you that beyond knowing that it is passed from morning +to night at the office, I now know less of it than I do of the man in +the south, connected with whose mouth the thoughtless children repeat +an idle tale respecting cold plum porridge, I should adopt a popular +fallacy to express an actual fact. + +'But this is not all. Mr. Micawber is morose. He is severe. He is +estranged from our eldest son and daughter, he has no pride in his +twins, he looks with an eye of coldness even on the unoffending stranger +who last became a member of our circle. The pecuniary means of meeting +our expenses, kept down to the utmost farthing, are obtained from him +with great difficulty, and even under fearful threats that he will +Settle himself (the exact expression); and he inexorably refuses to give +any explanation whatever of this distracting policy. + +'This is hard to bear. This is heart-breaking. If you will advise me, +knowing my feeble powers such as they are, how you think it will be best +to exert them in a dilemma so unwonted, you will add another friendly +obligation to the many you have already rendered me. With loves from the +children, and a smile from the happily-unconscious stranger, I remain, +dear Mr. Copperfield, + + Your afflicted, + + 'EMMA MICAWBER.' + + +I did not feel justified in giving a wife of Mrs. Micawber's experience +any other recommendation, than that she should try to reclaim Mr. +Micawber by patience and kindness (as I knew she would in any case); but +the letter set me thinking about him very much. + + + +CHAPTER 43. ANOTHER RETROSPECT + + +Once again, let me pause upon a memorable period of my life. Let me +stand aside, to see the phantoms of those days go by me, accompanying +the shadow of myself, in dim procession. + +Weeks, months, seasons, pass along. They seem little more than a summer +day and a winter evening. Now, the Common where I walk with Dora is all +in bloom, a field of bright gold; and now the unseen heather lies in +mounds and bunches underneath a covering of snow. In a breath, the river +that flows through our Sunday walks is sparkling in the summer sun, is +ruffled by the winter wind, or thickened with drifting heaps of ice. +Faster than ever river ran towards the sea, it flashes, darkens, and +rolls away. + +Not a thread changes, in the house of the two little bird-like ladies. +The clock ticks over the fireplace, the weather-glass hangs in the hall. +Neither clock nor weather-glass is ever right; but we believe in both, +devoutly. + +I have come legally to man's estate. I have attained the dignity of +twenty-one. But this is a sort of dignity that may be thrust upon one. +Let me think what I have achieved. + +I have tamed that savage stenographic mystery. I make a respectable +income by it. I am in high repute for my accomplishment in all +pertaining to the art, and am joined with eleven others in reporting +the debates in Parliament for a Morning Newspaper. Night after night, I +record predictions that never come to pass, professions that are never +fulfilled, explanations that are only meant to mystify. I wallow in +words. Britannia, that unfortunate female, is always before me, like a +trussed fowl: skewered through and through with office-pens, and bound +hand and foot with red tape. I am sufficiently behind the scenes to know +the worth of political life. I am quite an Infidel about it, and shall +never be converted. + +My dear old Traddles has tried his hand at the same pursuit, but it +is not in Traddles's way. He is perfectly good-humoured respecting his +failure, and reminds me that he always did consider himself slow. He has +occasional employment on the same newspaper, in getting up the facts of +dry subjects, to be written about and embellished by more fertile minds. +He is called to the bar; and with admirable industry and self-denial +has scraped another hundred pounds together, to fee a Conveyancer whose +chambers he attends. A great deal of very hot port wine was consumed at +his call; and, considering the figure, I should think the Inner Temple +must have made a profit by it. + +I have come out in another way. I have taken with fear and trembling +to authorship. I wrote a little something, in secret, and sent it to a +magazine, and it was published in the magazine. Since then, I have taken +heart to write a good many trifling pieces. Now, I am regularly paid for +them. Altogether, I am well off, when I tell my income on the fingers +of my left hand, I pass the third finger and take in the fourth to the +middle joint. + +We have removed, from Buckingham Street, to a pleasant little cottage +very near the one I looked at, when my enthusiasm first came on. My +aunt, however (who has sold the house at Dover, to good advantage), is +not going to remain here, but intends removing herself to a still more +tiny cottage close at hand. What does this portend? My marriage? Yes! + +Yes! I am going to be married to Dora! Miss Lavinia and Miss Clarissa +have given their consent; and if ever canary birds were in a flutter, +they are. Miss Lavinia, self-charged with the superintendence of my +darling's wardrobe, is constantly cutting out brown-paper cuirasses, and +differing in opinion from a highly respectable young man, with a long +bundle, and a yard measure under his arm. A dressmaker, always stabbed +in the breast with a needle and thread, boards and lodges in the house; +and seems to me, eating, drinking, or sleeping, never to take her +thimble off. They make a lay-figure of my dear. They are always sending +for her to come and try something on. We can't be happy together for +five minutes in the evening, but some intrusive female knocks at the +door, and says, 'Oh, if you please, Miss Dora, would you step upstairs!' + +Miss Clarissa and my aunt roam all over London, to find out articles of +furniture for Dora and me to look at. It would be better for them to buy +the goods at once, without this ceremony of inspection; for, when we go +to see a kitchen fender and meat-screen, Dora sees a Chinese house for +Jip, with little bells on the top, and prefers that. And it takes a +long time to accustom Jip to his new residence, after we have bought it; +whenever he goes in or out, he makes all the little bells ring, and is +horribly frightened. + +Peggotty comes up to make herself useful, and falls to work immediately. +Her department appears to be, to clean everything over and over again. +She rubs everything that can be rubbed, until it shines, like her own +honest forehead, with perpetual friction. And now it is, that I begin to +see her solitary brother passing through the dark streets at night, and +looking, as he goes, among the wandering faces. I never speak to him at +such an hour. I know too well, as his grave figure passes onward, what +he seeks, and what he dreads. + +Why does Traddles look so important when he calls upon me this afternoon +in the Commons--where I still occasionally attend, for form's sake, when +I have time? The realization of my boyish day-dreams is at hand. I am +going to take out the licence. + +It is a little document to do so much; and Traddles contemplates it, +as it lies upon my desk, half in admiration, half in awe. There are the +names, in the sweet old visionary connexion, David Copperfield and Dora +Spenlow; and there, in the corner, is that Parental Institution, +the Stamp Office, which is so benignantly interested in the various +transactions of human life, looking down upon our Union; and there is +the Archbishop of Canterbury invoking a blessing on us in print, and +doing it as cheap as could possibly be expected. + +Nevertheless, I am in a dream, a flustered, happy, hurried dream. I +can't believe that it is going to be; and yet I can't believe but that +everyone I pass in the street, must have some kind of perception, that I +am to be married the day after tomorrow. The Surrogate knows me, when +I go down to be sworn; and disposes of me easily, as if there were a +Masonic understanding between us. Traddles is not at all wanted, but is +in attendance as my general backer. + +'I hope the next time you come here, my dear fellow,' I say to Traddles, +'it will be on the same errand for yourself. And I hope it will be +soon.' + +'Thank you for your good wishes, my dear Copperfield,' he replies. 'I +hope so too. It's a satisfaction to know that she'll wait for me any +length of time, and that she really is the dearest girl--' + +'When are you to meet her at the coach?' I ask. + +'At seven,' says Traddles, looking at his plain old silver watch--the +very watch he once took a wheel out of, at school, to make a water-mill. +'That is about Miss Wickfield's time, is it not?' + +'A little earlier. Her time is half past eight.' 'I assure you, my dear +boy,' says Traddles, 'I am almost as pleased as if I were going to +be married myself, to think that this event is coming to such a happy +termination. And really the great friendship and consideration of +personally associating Sophy with the joyful occasion, and inviting +her to be a bridesmaid in conjunction with Miss Wickfield, demands my +warmest thanks. I am extremely sensible of it.' + +I hear him, and shake hands with him; and we talk, and walk, and dine, +and so on; but I don't believe it. Nothing is real. + +Sophy arrives at the house of Dora's aunts, in due course. She has the +most agreeable of faces,--not absolutely beautiful, but extraordinarily +pleasant,--and is one of the most genial, unaffected, frank, engaging +creatures I have ever seen. Traddles presents her to us with great +pride; and rubs his hands for ten minutes by the clock, with every +individual hair upon his head standing on tiptoe, when I congratulate +him in a corner on his choice. + +I have brought Agnes from the Canterbury coach, and her cheerful and +beautiful face is among us for the second time. Agnes has a great liking +for Traddles, and it is capital to see them meet, and to observe the +glory of Traddles as he commends the dearest girl in the world to her +acquaintance. + +Still I don't believe it. We have a delightful evening, and are +supremely happy; but I don't believe it yet. I can't collect myself. I +can't check off my happiness as it takes place. I feel in a misty and +unsettled kind of state; as if I had got up very early in the morning a +week or two ago, and had never been to bed since. I can't make out when +yesterday was. I seem to have been carrying the licence about, in my +pocket, many months. + +Next day, too, when we all go in a flock to see the house--our +house--Dora's and mine--I am quite unable to regard myself as its +master. I seem to be there, by permission of somebody else. I half +expect the real master to come home presently, and say he is glad to see +me. Such a beautiful little house as it is, with everything so bright +and new; with the flowers on the carpets looking as if freshly gathered, +and the green leaves on the paper as if they had just come out; with the +spotless muslin curtains, and the blushing rose-coloured furniture, and +Dora's garden hat with the blue ribbon--do I remember, now, how I loved +her in such another hat when I first knew her!--already hanging on its +little peg; the guitar-case quite at home on its heels in a corner; +and everybody tumbling over Jip's pagoda, which is much too big for the +establishment. Another happy evening, quite as unreal as all the rest +of it, and I steal into the usual room before going away. Dora is not +there. I suppose they have not done trying on yet. Miss Lavinia peeps +in, and tells me mysteriously that she will not be long. She is rather +long, notwithstanding; but by and by I hear a rustling at the door, and +someone taps. + +I say, 'Come in!' but someone taps again. + +I go to the door, wondering who it is; there, I meet a pair of bright +eyes, and a blushing face; they are Dora's eyes and face, and Miss +Lavinia has dressed her in tomorrow's dress, bonnet and all, for me to +see. I take my little wife to my heart; and Miss Lavinia gives a little +scream because I tumble the bonnet, and Dora laughs and cries at once, +because I am so pleased; and I believe it less than ever. + +'Do you think it pretty, Doady?' says Dora. + +Pretty! I should rather think I did. + +'And are you sure you like me very much?' says Dora. + +The topic is fraught with such danger to the bonnet, that Miss Lavinia +gives another little scream, and begs me to understand that Dora is only +to be looked at, and on no account to be touched. So Dora stands in a +delightful state of confusion for a minute or two, to be admired; and +then takes off her bonnet--looking so natural without it!--and runs away +with it in her hand; and comes dancing down again in her own familiar +dress, and asks Jip if I have got a beautiful little wife, and whether +he'll forgive her for being married, and kneels down to make him stand +upon the cookery-book, for the last time in her single life. + +I go home, more incredulous than ever, to a lodging that I have hard by; +and get up very early in the morning, to ride to the Highgate road and +fetch my aunt. + +I have never seen my aunt in such state. She is dressed in +lavender-coloured silk, and has a white bonnet on, and is amazing. Janet +has dressed her, and is there to look at me. Peggotty is ready to go to +church, intending to behold the ceremony from the gallery. Mr. Dick, +who is to give my darling to me at the altar, has had his hair curled. +Traddles, whom I have taken up by appointment at the turnpike, presents +a dazzling combination of cream colour and light blue; and both he and +Mr. Dick have a general effect about them of being all gloves. + +No doubt I see this, because I know it is so; but I am astray, and seem +to see nothing. Nor do I believe anything whatever. Still, as we drive +along in an open carriage, this fairy marriage is real enough to fill +me with a sort of wondering pity for the unfortunate people who have +no part in it, but are sweeping out the shops, and going to their daily +occupations. + +My aunt sits with my hand in hers all the way. When we stop a little way +short of the church, to put down Peggotty, whom we have brought on the +box, she gives it a squeeze, and me a kiss. + +'God bless you, Trot! My own boy never could be dearer. I think of poor +dear Baby this morning.' 'So do I. And of all I owe to you, dear aunt.' + +'Tut, child!' says my aunt; and gives her hand in overflowing cordiality +to Traddles, who then gives his to Mr. Dick, who then gives his to me, +who then gives mine to Traddles, and then we come to the church door. + +The church is calm enough, I am sure; but it might be a steam-power loom +in full action, for any sedative effect it has on me. I am too far gone +for that. + +The rest is all a more or less incoherent dream. + +A dream of their coming in with Dora; of the pew-opener arranging us, +like a drill-sergeant, before the altar rails; of my wondering, even +then, why pew-openers must always be the most disagreeable females +procurable, and whether there is any religious dread of a disastrous +infection of good-humour which renders it indispensable to set those +vessels of vinegar upon the road to Heaven. + +Of the clergyman and clerk appearing; of a few boatmen and some +other people strolling in; of an ancient mariner behind me, strongly +flavouring the church with rum; of the service beginning in a deep +voice, and our all being very attentive. + +Of Miss Lavinia, who acts as a semi-auxiliary bridesmaid, being the +first to cry, and of her doing homage (as I take it) to the memory of +Pidger, in sobs; of Miss Clarissa applying a smelling-bottle; of Agnes +taking care of Dora; of my aunt endeavouring to represent herself as +a model of sternness, with tears rolling down her face; of little Dora +trembling very much, and making her responses in faint whispers. + +Of our kneeling down together, side by side; of Dora's trembling less +and less, but always clasping Agnes by the hand; of the service being +got through, quietly and gravely; of our all looking at each other in an +April state of smiles and tears, when it is over; of my young wife being +hysterical in the vestry, and crying for her poor papa, her dear papa. + +Of her soon cheering up again, and our signing the register all round. +Of my going into the gallery for Peggotty to bring her to sign it; of +Peggotty's hugging me in a corner, and telling me she saw my own dear +mother married; of its being over, and our going away. + +Of my walking so proudly and lovingly down the aisle with my sweet wife +upon my arm, through a mist of half-seen people, pulpits, monuments, +pews, fonts, organs, and church windows, in which there flutter faint +airs of association with my childish church at home, so long ago. + +Of their whispering, as we pass, what a youthful couple we are, and what +a pretty little wife she is. Of our all being so merry and talkative in +the carriage going back. Of Sophy telling us that when she saw Traddles +(whom I had entrusted with the licence) asked for it, she almost +fainted, having been convinced that he would contrive to lose it, or to +have his pocket picked. Of Agnes laughing gaily; and of Dora being so +fond of Agnes that she will not be separated from her, but still keeps +her hand. + +Of there being a breakfast, with abundance of things, pretty and +substantial, to eat and drink, whereof I partake, as I should do in any +other dream, without the least perception of their flavour; eating +and drinking, as I may say, nothing but love and marriage, and no more +believing in the viands than in anything else. + +Of my making a speech in the same dreamy fashion, without having an idea +of what I want to say, beyond such as may be comprehended in the full +conviction that I haven't said it. Of our being very sociably and simply +happy (always in a dream though); and of Jip's having wedding cake, and +its not agreeing with him afterwards. + +Of the pair of hired post-horses being ready, and of Dora's going away +to change her dress. Of my aunt and Miss Clarissa remaining with us; and +our walking in the garden; and my aunt, who has made quite a speech at +breakfast touching Dora's aunts, being mightily amused with herself, but +a little proud of it too. + +Of Dora's being ready, and of Miss Lavinia's hovering about her, loth to +lose the pretty toy that has given her so much pleasant occupation. +Of Dora's making a long series of surprised discoveries that she +has forgotten all sorts of little things; and of everybody's running +everywhere to fetch them. + +Of their all closing about Dora, when at last she begins to say +good-bye, looking, with their bright colours and ribbons, like a bed +of flowers. Of my darling being almost smothered among the flowers, and +coming out, laughing and crying both together, to my jealous arms. + +Of my wanting to carry Jip (who is to go along with us), and Dora's +saying no, that she must carry him, or else he'll think she don't like +him any more, now she is married, and will break his heart. Of our +going, arm in arm, and Dora stopping and looking back, and saying, 'If +I have ever been cross or ungrateful to anybody, don't remember it!' and +bursting into tears. + +Of her waving her little hand, and our going away once more. Of her +once more stopping, and looking back, and hurrying to Agnes, and giving +Agnes, above all the others, her last kisses and farewells. + +We drive away together, and I awake from the dream. I believe it at +last. It is my dear, dear, little wife beside me, whom I love so well! + +'Are you happy now, you foolish boy?' says Dora, 'and sure you don't +repent?' + + +I have stood aside to see the phantoms of those days go by me. They are +gone, and I resume the journey of my story. + + + +CHAPTER 44. OUR HOUSEKEEPING + + +It was a strange condition of things, the honeymoon being over, and the +bridesmaids gone home, when I found myself sitting down in my own +small house with Dora; quite thrown out of employment, as I may say, in +respect of the delicious old occupation of making love. + +It seemed such an extraordinary thing to have Dora always there. It was +so unaccountable not to be obliged to go out to see her, not to have any +occasion to be tormenting myself about her, not to have to write to her, +not to be scheming and devising opportunities of being alone with her. +Sometimes of an evening, when I looked up from my writing, and saw her +seated opposite, I would lean back in my chair, and think how queer it +was that there we were, alone together as a matter of course--nobody's +business any more--all the romance of our engagement put away upon a +shelf, to rust--no one to please but one another--one another to please, +for life. + +When there was a debate, and I was kept out very late, it seemed so +strange to me, as I was walking home, to think that Dora was at home! It +was such a wonderful thing, at first, to have her coming softly down to +talk to me as I ate my supper. It was such a stupendous thing to know +for certain that she put her hair in papers. It was altogether such an +astonishing event to see her do it! + +I doubt whether two young birds could have known less about keeping +house, than I and my pretty Dora did. We had a servant, of course. She +kept house for us. I have still a latent belief that she must have been +Mrs. Crupp's daughter in disguise, we had such an awful time of it with +Mary Anne. + +Her name was Paragon. Her nature was represented to us, when we engaged +her, as being feebly expressed in her name. She had a written character, +as large as a proclamation; and, according to this document, could do +everything of a domestic nature that ever I heard of, and a great many +things that I never did hear of. She was a woman in the prime of life; +of a severe countenance; and subject (particularly in the arms) to +a sort of perpetual measles or fiery rash. She had a cousin in the +Life-Guards, with such long legs that he looked like the afternoon +shadow of somebody else. His shell-jacket was as much too little for him +as he was too big for the premises. He made the cottage smaller than it +need have been, by being so very much out of proportion to it. Besides +which, the walls were not thick, and, whenever he passed the evening at +our house, we always knew of it by hearing one continual growl in the +kitchen. + +Our treasure was warranted sober and honest. I am therefore willing to +believe that she was in a fit when we found her under the boiler; and +that the deficient tea-spoons were attributable to the dustman. + +But she preyed upon our minds dreadfully. We felt our inexperience, and +were unable to help ourselves. We should have been at her mercy, if she +had had any; but she was a remorseless woman, and had none. She was the +cause of our first little quarrel. + +'My dearest life,' I said one day to Dora, 'do you think Mary Anne has +any idea of time?' + +'Why, Doady?' inquired Dora, looking up, innocently, from her drawing. + +'My love, because it's five, and we were to have dined at four.' + +Dora glanced wistfully at the clock, and hinted that she thought it was +too fast. + +'On the contrary, my love,' said I, referring to my watch, 'it's a few +minutes too slow.' + +My little wife came and sat upon my knee, to coax me to be quiet, and +drew a line with her pencil down the middle of my nose; but I couldn't +dine off that, though it was very agreeable. + +'Don't you think, my dear,' said I, 'it would be better for you to +remonstrate with Mary Anne?' + +'Oh no, please! I couldn't, Doady!' said Dora. + +'Why not, my love?' I gently asked. + +'Oh, because I am such a little goose,' said Dora, 'and she knows I am!' + +I thought this sentiment so incompatible with the establishment of any +system of check on Mary Anne, that I frowned a little. + +'Oh, what ugly wrinkles in my bad boy's forehead!' said Dora, and still +being on my knee, she traced them with her pencil; putting it to her +rosy lips to make it mark blacker, and working at my forehead with a +quaint little mockery of being industrious, that quite delighted me in +spite of myself. + +'There's a good child,' said Dora, 'it makes its face so much prettier +to laugh.' 'But, my love,' said I. + +'No, no! please!' cried Dora, with a kiss, 'don't be a naughty Blue +Beard! Don't be serious!' + +'My precious wife,' said I, 'we must be serious sometimes. Come! Sit +down on this chair, close beside me! Give me the pencil! There! Now let +us talk sensibly. You know, dear'; what a little hand it was to hold, +and what a tiny wedding-ring it was to see! 'You know, my love, it is +not exactly comfortable to have to go out without one's dinner. Now, is +it?' + +'N-n-no!' replied Dora, faintly. + +'My love, how you tremble!' + +'Because I KNOW you're going to scold me,' exclaimed Dora, in a piteous +voice. + +'My sweet, I am only going to reason.' + +'Oh, but reasoning is worse than scolding!' exclaimed Dora, in despair. +'I didn't marry to be reasoned with. If you meant to reason with such a +poor little thing as I am, you ought to have told me so, you cruel boy!' + +I tried to pacify Dora, but she turned away her face, and shook her +curls from side to side, and said, 'You cruel, cruel boy!' so many +times, that I really did not exactly know what to do: so I took a few +turns up and down the room in my uncertainty, and came back again. + +'Dora, my darling!' + +'No, I am not your darling. Because you must be sorry that you married +me, or else you wouldn't reason with me!' returned Dora. + +I felt so injured by the inconsequential nature of this charge, that it +gave me courage to be grave. + +'Now, my own Dora,' said I, 'you are very childish, and are talking +nonsense. You must remember, I am sure, that I was obliged to go out +yesterday when dinner was half over; and that, the day before, I was +made quite unwell by being obliged to eat underdone veal in a hurry; +today, I don't dine at all--and I am afraid to say how long we waited +for breakfast--and then the water didn't boil. I don't mean to reproach +you, my dear, but this is not comfortable.' + +'Oh, you cruel, cruel boy, to say I am a disagreeable wife!' cried Dora. + +'Now, my dear Dora, you must know that I never said that!' + +'You said, I wasn't comfortable!' cried Dora. 'I said the housekeeping +was not comfortable!' + +'It's exactly the same thing!' cried Dora. And she evidently thought so, +for she wept most grievously. + +I took another turn across the room, full of love for my pretty wife, +and distracted by self-accusatory inclinations to knock my head against +the door. I sat down again, and said: + +'I am not blaming you, Dora. We have both a great deal to learn. I am +only trying to show you, my dear, that you must--you really must' (I +was resolved not to give this up)--'accustom yourself to look after Mary +Anne. Likewise to act a little for yourself, and me.' + +'I wonder, I do, at your making such ungrateful speeches,' sobbed Dora. +'When you know that the other day, when you said you would like a little +bit of fish, I went out myself, miles and miles, and ordered it, to +surprise you.' + +'And it was very kind of you, my own darling,' said I. 'I felt it so +much that I wouldn't on any account have even mentioned that you +bought a Salmon--which was too much for two. Or that it cost one pound +six--which was more than we can afford.' + +'You enjoyed it very much,' sobbed Dora. 'And you said I was a Mouse.' + +'And I'll say so again, my love,' I returned, 'a thousand times!' + +But I had wounded Dora's soft little heart, and she was not to be +comforted. She was so pathetic in her sobbing and bewailing, that I felt +as if I had said I don't know what to hurt her. I was obliged to hurry +away; I was kept out late; and I felt all night such pangs of remorse as +made me miserable. I had the conscience of an assassin, and was haunted +by a vague sense of enormous wickedness. + +It was two or three hours past midnight when I got home. I found my +aunt, in our house, sitting up for me. + +'Is anything the matter, aunt?' said I, alarmed. + +'Nothing, Trot,' she replied. 'Sit down, sit down. Little Blossom has +been rather out of spirits, and I have been keeping her company. That's +all.' + +I leaned my head upon my hand; and felt more sorry and downcast, as I +sat looking at the fire, than I could have supposed possible so soon +after the fulfilment of my brightest hopes. As I sat thinking, I +happened to meet my aunt's eyes, which were resting on my face. There +was an anxious expression in them, but it cleared directly. + +'I assure you, aunt,' said I, 'I have been quite unhappy myself all +night, to think of Dora's being so. But I had no other intention than to +speak to her tenderly and lovingly about our home-affairs.' + +My aunt nodded encouragement. + +'You must have patience, Trot,' said she. + +'Of course. Heaven knows I don't mean to be unreasonable, aunt!' + +'No, no,' said my aunt. 'But Little Blossom is a very tender little +blossom, and the wind must be gentle with her.' + +I thanked my good aunt, in my heart, for her tenderness towards my wife; +and I was sure that she knew I did. + +'Don't you think, aunt,' said I, after some further contemplation of the +fire, 'that you could advise and counsel Dora a little, for our mutual +advantage, now and then?' + +'Trot,' returned my aunt, with some emotion, 'no! Don't ask me such a +thing.' + +Her tone was so very earnest that I raised my eyes in surprise. + +'I look back on my life, child,' said my aunt, 'and I think of some who +are in their graves, with whom I might have been on kinder terms. If I +judged harshly of other people's mistakes in marriage, it may have been +because I had bitter reason to judge harshly of my own. Let that pass. I +have been a grumpy, frumpy, wayward sort of a woman, a good many years. +I am still, and I always shall be. But you and I have done one another +some good, Trot,--at all events, you have done me good, my dear; and +division must not come between us, at this time of day.' + +'Division between us!' cried I. + +'Child, child!' said my aunt, smoothing her dress, 'how soon it might +come between us, or how unhappy I might make our Little Blossom, if I +meddled in anything, a prophet couldn't say. I want our pet to like me, +and be as gay as a butterfly. Remember your own home, in that second +marriage; and never do both me and her the injury you have hinted at!' + +I comprehended, at once, that my aunt was right; and I comprehended the +full extent of her generous feeling towards my dear wife. + +'These are early days, Trot,' she pursued, 'and Rome was not built in a +day, nor in a year. You have chosen freely for yourself'; a cloud passed +over her face for a moment, I thought; 'and you have chosen a very +pretty and a very affectionate creature. It will be your duty, and it +will be your pleasure too--of course I know that; I am not delivering +a lecture--to estimate her (as you chose her) by the qualities she has, +and not by the qualities she may not have. The latter you must develop +in her, if you can. And if you cannot, child,' here my aunt rubbed her +nose, 'you must just accustom yourself to do without 'em. But remember, +my dear, your future is between you two. No one can assist you; you are +to work it out for yourselves. This is marriage, Trot; and Heaven bless +you both, in it, for a pair of babes in the wood as you are!' + +My aunt said this in a sprightly way, and gave me a kiss to ratify the +blessing. + +'Now,' said she, 'light my little lantern, and see me into my bandbox by +the garden path'; for there was a communication between our cottages in +that direction. 'Give Betsey Trotwood's love to Blossom, when you come +back; and whatever you do, Trot, never dream of setting Betsey up as a +scarecrow, for if I ever saw her in the glass, she's quite grim enough +and gaunt enough in her private capacity!' + +With this my aunt tied her head up in a handkerchief, with which she was +accustomed to make a bundle of it on such occasions; and I escorted her +home. As she stood in her garden, holding up her little lantern to light +me back, I thought her observation of me had an anxious air again; but +I was too much occupied in pondering on what she had said, and too much +impressed--for the first time, in reality--by the conviction that Dora +and I had indeed to work out our future for ourselves, and that no one +could assist us, to take much notice of it. + +Dora came stealing down in her little slippers, to meet me, now that I +was alone; and cried upon my shoulder, and said I had been hard-hearted +and she had been naughty; and I said much the same thing in effect, I +believe; and we made it up, and agreed that our first little difference +was to be our last, and that we were never to have another if we lived a +hundred years. + +The next domestic trial we went through, was the Ordeal of Servants. +Mary Anne's cousin deserted into our coal-hole, and was brought out, to +our great amazement, by a piquet of his companions in arms, who took +him away handcuffed in a procession that covered our front-garden with +ignominy. This nerved me to get rid of Mary Anne, who went so mildly, +on receipt of wages, that I was surprised, until I found out about the +tea-spoons, and also about the little sums she had borrowed in my +name of the tradespeople without authority. After an interval of Mrs. +Kidgerbury--the oldest inhabitant of Kentish Town, I believe, who went +out charing, but was too feeble to execute her conceptions of that +art--we found another treasure, who was one of the most amiable of +women, but who generally made a point of falling either up or down the +kitchen stairs with the tray, and almost plunged into the parlour, +as into a bath, with the tea-things. The ravages committed by this +unfortunate, rendering her dismissal necessary, she was succeeded (with +intervals of Mrs. Kidgerbury) by a long line of Incapables; terminating +in a young person of genteel appearance, who went to Greenwich Fair in +Dora's bonnet. After whom I remember nothing but an average equality of +failure. + +Everybody we had anything to do with seemed to cheat us. Our appearance +in a shop was a signal for the damaged goods to be brought out +immediately. If we bought a lobster, it was full of water. All our meat +turned out to be tough, and there was hardly any crust to our loaves. +In search of the principle on which joints ought to be roasted, to be +roasted enough, and not too much, I myself referred to the Cookery Book, +and found it there established as the allowance of a quarter of an hour +to every pound, and say a quarter over. But the principle always failed +us by some curious fatality, and we never could hit any medium between +redness and cinders. + +I had reason to believe that in accomplishing these failures we incurred +a far greater expense than if we had achieved a series of triumphs. It +appeared to me, on looking over the tradesmen's books, as if we might +have kept the basement storey paved with butter, such was the extensive +scale of our consumption of that article. I don't know whether the +Excise returns of the period may have exhibited any increase in the +demand for pepper; but if our performances did not affect the market, +I should say several families must have left off using it. And the most +wonderful fact of all was, that we never had anything in the house. + +As to the washerwoman pawning the clothes, and coming in a state of +penitent intoxication to apologize, I suppose that might have happened +several times to anybody. Also the chimney on fire, the parish engine, +and perjury on the part of the Beadle. But I apprehend that we were +personally fortunate in engaging a servant with a taste for cordials, +who swelled our running account for porter at the public-house by such +inexplicable items as 'quartern rum shrub (Mrs. C.)'; 'Half-quartern +gin and cloves (Mrs. C.)'; 'Glass rum and peppermint (Mrs. C.)'--the +parentheses always referring to Dora, who was supposed, it appeared on +explanation, to have imbibed the whole of these refreshments. + +One of our first feats in the housekeeping way was a little dinner to +Traddles. I met him in town, and asked him to walk out with me that +afternoon. He readily consenting, I wrote to Dora, saying I would bring +him home. It was pleasant weather, and on the road we made my domestic +happiness the theme of conversation. Traddles was very full of it; and +said, that, picturing himself with such a home, and Sophy waiting and +preparing for him, he could think of nothing wanting to complete his +bliss. + +I could not have wished for a prettier little wife at the opposite end +of the table, but I certainly could have wished, when we sat down, for a +little more room. I did not know how it was, but though there were only +two of us, we were at once always cramped for room, and yet had always +room enough to lose everything in. I suspect it may have been because +nothing had a place of its own, except Jip's pagoda, which invariably +blocked up the main thoroughfare. On the present occasion, Traddles +was so hemmed in by the pagoda and the guitar-case, and Dora's +flower-painting, and my writing-table, that I had serious doubts of the +possibility of his using his knife and fork; but he protested, with his +own good-humour, 'Oceans of room, Copperfield! I assure you, Oceans!' + +There was another thing I could have wished, namely, that Jip had never +been encouraged to walk about the tablecloth during dinner. I began to +think there was something disorderly in his being there at all, even +if he had not been in the habit of putting his foot in the salt or the +melted butter. On this occasion he seemed to think he was introduced +expressly to keep Traddles at bay; and he barked at my old friend, and +made short runs at his plate, with such undaunted pertinacity, that he +may be said to have engrossed the conversation. + +However, as I knew how tender-hearted my dear Dora was, and how +sensitive she would be to any slight upon her favourite, I hinted no +objection. For similar reasons I made no allusion to the skirmishing +plates upon the floor; or to the disreputable appearance of the castors, +which were all at sixes and sevens, and looked drunk; or to the further +blockade of Traddles by wandering vegetable dishes and jugs. I could +not help wondering in my own mind, as I contemplated the boiled leg of +mutton before me, previous to carving it, how it came to pass that +our joints of meat were of such extraordinary shapes--and whether our +butcher contracted for all the deformed sheep that came into the world; +but I kept my reflections to myself. + +'My love,' said I to Dora, 'what have you got in that dish?' + +I could not imagine why Dora had been making tempting little faces at +me, as if she wanted to kiss me. + +'Oysters, dear,' said Dora, timidly. + +'Was that YOUR thought?' said I, delighted. + +'Ye-yes, Doady,' said Dora. + +'There never was a happier one!' I exclaimed, laying down the +carving-knife and fork. 'There is nothing Traddles likes so much!' + +'Ye-yes, Doady,' said Dora, 'and so I bought a beautiful little barrel +of them, and the man said they were very good. But I--I am afraid +there's something the matter with them. They don't seem right.' Here +Dora shook her head, and diamonds twinkled in her eyes. + +'They are only opened in both shells,' said I. 'Take the top one off, my +love.' + +'But it won't come off!' said Dora, trying very hard, and looking very +much distressed. + +'Do you know, Copperfield,' said Traddles, cheerfully examining the +dish, 'I think it is in consequence--they are capital oysters, but I +think it is in consequence--of their never having been opened.' + +They never had been opened; and we had no oyster-knives--and couldn't +have used them if we had; so we looked at the oysters and ate the +mutton. At least we ate as much of it as was done, and made up with +capers. If I had permitted him, I am satisfied that Traddles would have +made a perfect savage of himself, and eaten a plateful of raw meat, to +express enjoyment of the repast; but I would hear of no such immolation +on the altar of friendship, and we had a course of bacon instead; there +happening, by good fortune, to be cold bacon in the larder. + +My poor little wife was in such affliction when she thought I should be +annoyed, and in such a state of joy when she found I was not, that the +discomfiture I had subdued, very soon vanished, and we passed a happy +evening; Dora sitting with her arm on my chair while Traddles and I +discussed a glass of wine, and taking every opportunity of whispering +in my ear that it was so good of me not to be a cruel, cross old boy. By +and by she made tea for us; which it was so pretty to see her do, as if +she was busying herself with a set of doll's tea-things, that I was not +particular about the quality of the beverage. Then Traddles and I played +a game or two at cribbage; and Dora singing to the guitar the while, +it seemed to me as if our courtship and marriage were a tender dream +of mine, and the night when I first listened to her voice were not yet +over. + +When Traddles went away, and I came back into the parlour from seeing +him out, my wife planted her chair close to mine, and sat down by my +side. 'I am very sorry,' she said. 'Will you try to teach me, Doady?' + +'I must teach myself first, Dora,' said I. 'I am as bad as you, love.' + +'Ah! But you can learn,' she returned; 'and you are a clever, clever +man!' + +'Nonsense, mouse!' said I. + +'I wish,' resumed my wife, after a long silence, 'that I could have gone +down into the country for a whole year, and lived with Agnes!' + +Her hands were clasped upon my shoulder, and her chin rested on them, +and her blue eyes looked quietly into mine. + +'Why so?' I asked. + +'I think she might have improved me, and I think I might have learned +from her,' said Dora. + +'All in good time, my love. Agnes has had her father to take care of for +these many years, you should remember. Even when she was quite a child, +she was the Agnes whom we know,' said I. + +'Will you call me a name I want you to call me?' inquired Dora, without +moving. + +'What is it?' I asked with a smile. + +'It's a stupid name,' she said, shaking her curls for a moment. +'Child-wife.' + +I laughingly asked my child-wife what her fancy was in desiring to be so +called. She answered without moving, otherwise than as the arm I twined +about her may have brought her blue eyes nearer to me: + +'I don't mean, you silly fellow, that you should use the name instead +of Dora. I only mean that you should think of me that way. When you are +going to be angry with me, say to yourself, "it's only my child-wife!" +When I am very disappointing, say, "I knew, a long time ago, that she +would make but a child-wife!" When you miss what I should like to be, +and I think can never be, say, "still my foolish child-wife loves me!" +For indeed I do.' + +I had not been serious with her; having no idea until now, that she was +serious herself. But her affectionate nature was so happy in what I now +said to her with my whole heart, that her face became a laughing one +before her glittering eyes were dry. She was soon my child-wife indeed; +sitting down on the floor outside the Chinese House, ringing all +the little bells one after another, to punish Jip for his recent bad +behaviour; while Jip lay blinking in the doorway with his head out, even +too lazy to be teased. + +This appeal of Dora's made a strong impression on me. I look back on the +time I write of; I invoke the innocent figure that I dearly loved, to +come out from the mists and shadows of the past, and turn its gentle +head towards me once again; and I can still declare that this one little +speech was constantly in my memory. I may not have used it to the best +account; I was young and inexperienced; but I never turned a deaf ear to +its artless pleading. + +Dora told me, shortly afterwards, that she was going to be a wonderful +housekeeper. Accordingly, she polished the tablets, pointed the pencil, +bought an immense account-book, carefully stitched up with a needle and +thread all the leaves of the Cookery Book which Jip had torn, and made +quite a desperate little attempt 'to be good', as she called it. But the +figures had the old obstinate propensity--they WOULD NOT add up. When +she had entered two or three laborious items in the account-book, Jip +would walk over the page, wagging his tail, and smear them all out. Her +own little right-hand middle finger got steeped to the very bone in ink; +and I think that was the only decided result obtained. + +Sometimes, of an evening, when I was at home and at work--for I wrote +a good deal now, and was beginning in a small way to be known as a +writer--I would lay down my pen, and watch my child-wife trying to be +good. First of all, she would bring out the immense account-book, and +lay it down upon the table, with a deep sigh. Then she would open it at +the place where Jip had made it illegible last night, and call Jip +up, to look at his misdeeds. This would occasion a diversion in Jip's +favour, and some inking of his nose, perhaps, as a penalty. Then she +would tell Jip to lie down on the table instantly, 'like a lion'--which +was one of his tricks, though I cannot say the likeness was +striking--and, if he were in an obedient humour, he would obey. Then she +would take up a pen, and begin to write, and find a hair in it. Then +she would take up another pen, and begin to write, and find that it +spluttered. Then she would take up another pen, and begin to write, and +say in a low voice, 'Oh, it's a talking pen, and will disturb Doady!' +And then she would give it up as a bad job, and put the account-book +away, after pretending to crush the lion with it. + +Or, if she were in a very sedate and serious state of mind, she would +sit down with the tablets, and a little basket of bills and other +documents, which looked more like curl-papers than anything else, and +endeavour to get some result out of them. After severely comparing one +with another, and making entries on the tablets, and blotting them +out, and counting all the fingers of her left hand over and over again, +backwards and forwards, she would be so vexed and discouraged, and +would look so unhappy, that it gave me pain to see her bright face +clouded--and for me!--and I would go softly to her, and say: + +'What's the matter, Dora?' + +Dora would look up hopelessly, and reply, 'They won't come right. They +make my head ache so. And they won't do anything I want!' + +Then I would say, 'Now let us try together. Let me show you, Dora.' + +Then I would commence a practical demonstration, to which Dora would pay +profound attention, perhaps for five minutes; when she would begin to be +dreadfully tired, and would lighten the subject by curling my hair, +or trying the effect of my face with my shirt-collar turned down. If +I tacitly checked this playfulness, and persisted, she would look so +scared and disconsolate, as she became more and more bewildered, that +the remembrance of her natural gaiety when I first strayed into her +path, and of her being my child-wife, would come reproachfully upon me; +and I would lay the pencil down, and call for the guitar. + +I had a great deal of work to do, and had many anxieties, but the same +considerations made me keep them to myself. I am far from sure, now, +that it was right to do this, but I did it for my child-wife's sake. I +search my breast, and I commit its secrets, if I know them, without any +reservation to this paper. The old unhappy loss or want of something +had, I am conscious, some place in my heart; but not to the embitterment +of my life. When I walked alone in the fine weather, and thought of the +summer days when all the air had been filled with my boyish enchantment, +I did miss something of the realization of my dreams; but I thought it +was a softened glory of the Past, which nothing could have thrown upon +the present time. I did feel, sometimes, for a little while, that I +could have wished my wife had been my counsellor; had had more character +and purpose, to sustain me and improve me by; had been endowed with +power to fill up the void which somewhere seemed to be about me; but +I felt as if this were an unearthly consummation of my happiness, that +never had been meant to be, and never could have been. + +I was a boyish husband as to years. I had known the softening influence +of no other sorrows or experiences than those recorded in these leaves. +If I did any wrong, as I may have done much, I did it in mistaken love, +and in my want of wisdom. I write the exact truth. It would avail me +nothing to extenuate it now. + +Thus it was that I took upon myself the toils and cares of our life, +and had no partner in them. We lived much as before, in reference to our +scrambling household arrangements; but I had got used to those, and Dora +I was pleased to see was seldom vexed now. She was bright and cheerful +in the old childish way, loved me dearly, and was happy with her old +trifles. + +When the debates were heavy--I mean as to length, not quality, for in +the last respect they were not often otherwise--and I went home late, +Dora would never rest when she heard my footsteps, but would always come +downstairs to meet me. When my evenings were unoccupied by the pursuit +for which I had qualified myself with so much pains, and I was engaged +in writing at home, she would sit quietly near me, however late the +hour, and be so mute, that I would often think she had dropped asleep. +But generally, when I raised my head, I saw her blue eyes looking at me +with the quiet attention of which I have already spoken. + +'Oh, what a weary boy!' said Dora one night, when I met her eyes as I +was shutting up my desk. + +'What a weary girl!' said I. 'That's more to the purpose. You must go to +bed another time, my love. It's far too late for you.' + +'No, don't send me to bed!' pleaded Dora, coming to my side. 'Pray, +don't do that!' + +'Dora!' To my amazement she was sobbing on my neck. 'Not well, my dear! +not happy!' + +'Yes! quite well, and very happy!' said Dora. 'But say you'll let me +stop, and see you write.' + +'Why, what a sight for such bright eyes at midnight!' I replied. + +'Are they bright, though?' returned Dora, laughing. 'I'm so glad they're +bright.' 'Little Vanity!' said I. + +But it was not vanity; it was only harmless delight in my admiration. I +knew that very well, before she told me so. + +'If you think them pretty, say I may always stop, and see you write!' +said Dora. 'Do you think them pretty?' + +'Very pretty.' + +'Then let me always stop and see you write.' + +'I am afraid that won't improve their brightness, Dora.' + +'Yes, it will! Because, you clever boy, you'll not forget me then, while +you are full of silent fancies. Will you mind it, if I say something +very, very silly?---more than usual?' inquired Dora, peeping over my +shoulder into my face. + +'What wonderful thing is that?' said I. + +'Please let me hold the pens,' said Dora. 'I want to have something to +do with all those many hours when you are so industrious. May I hold the +pens?' + +The remembrance of her pretty joy when I said yes, brings tears into my +eyes. The next time I sat down to write, and regularly afterwards, +she sat in her old place, with a spare bundle of pens at her side. Her +triumph in this connexion with my work, and her delight when I wanted a +new pen--which I very often feigned to do--suggested to me a new way of +pleasing my child-wife. I occasionally made a pretence of wanting a +page or two of manuscript copied. Then Dora was in her glory. The +preparations she made for this great work, the aprons she put on, the +bibs she borrowed from the kitchen to keep off the ink, the time she +took, the innumerable stoppages she made to have a laugh with Jip as if +he understood it all, her conviction that her work was incomplete unless +she signed her name at the end, and the way in which she would bring it +to me, like a school-copy, and then, when I praised it, clasp me round +the neck, are touching recollections to me, simple as they might appear +to other men. + +She took possession of the keys soon after this, and went jingling about +the house with the whole bunch in a little basket, tied to her slender +waist. I seldom found that the places to which they belonged were +locked, or that they were of any use except as a plaything for Jip--but +Dora was pleased, and that pleased me. She was quite satisfied that a +good deal was effected by this make-belief of housekeeping; and was as +merry as if we had been keeping a baby-house, for a joke. + +So we went on. Dora was hardly less affectionate to my aunt than to me, +and often told her of the time when she was afraid she was 'a cross old +thing'. I never saw my aunt unbend more systematically to anyone. She +courted Jip, though Jip never responded; listened, day after day, to the +guitar, though I am afraid she had no taste for music; never attacked +the Incapables, though the temptation must have been severe; went +wonderful distances on foot to purchase, as surprises, any trifles that +she found out Dora wanted; and never came in by the garden, and missed +her from the room, but she would call out, at the foot of the stairs, in +a voice that sounded cheerfully all over the house: + +'Where's Little Blossom?' + + + +CHAPTER 45. MR. DICK FULFILS MY AUNT'S PREDICTIONS + + +It was some time now, since I had left the Doctor. Living in his +neighbourhood, I saw him frequently; and we all went to his house on two +or three occasions to dinner or tea. The Old Soldier was in permanent +quarters under the Doctor's roof. She was exactly the same as ever, and +the same immortal butterflies hovered over her cap. + +Like some other mothers, whom I have known in the course of my life, +Mrs. Markleham was far more fond of pleasure than her daughter was. +She required a great deal of amusement, and, like a deep old soldier, +pretended, in consulting her own inclinations, to be devoting herself +to her child. The Doctor's desire that Annie should be entertained, +was therefore particularly acceptable to this excellent parent; who +expressed unqualified approval of his discretion. + +I have no doubt, indeed, that she probed the Doctor's wound without +knowing it. Meaning nothing but a certain matured frivolity and +selfishness, not always inseparable from full-blown years, I think she +confirmed him in his fear that he was a constraint upon his young +wife, and that there was no congeniality of feeling between them, by so +strongly commending his design of lightening the load of her life. + +'My dear soul,' she said to him one day when I was present, 'you know +there is no doubt it would be a little pokey for Annie to be always shut +up here.' + +The Doctor nodded his benevolent head. 'When she comes to her mother's +age,' said Mrs. Markleham, with a flourish of her fan, 'then it'll be +another thing. You might put ME into a Jail, with genteel society and +a rubber, and I should never care to come out. But I am not Annie, you +know; and Annie is not her mother.' + +'Surely, surely,' said the Doctor. + +'You are the best of creatures--no, I beg your pardon!' for the Doctor +made a gesture of deprecation, 'I must say before your face, as I always +say behind your back, you are the best of creatures; but of course you +don't--now do you?---enter into the same pursuits and fancies as Annie?' + +'No,' said the Doctor, in a sorrowful tone. + +'No, of course not,' retorted the Old Soldier. 'Take your Dictionary, +for example. What a useful work a Dictionary is! What a necessary work! +The meanings of words! Without Doctor Johnson, or somebody of that sort, +we might have been at this present moment calling an Italian-iron, +a bedstead. But we can't expect a Dictionary--especially when it's +making--to interest Annie, can we?' + +The Doctor shook his head. + +'And that's why I so much approve,' said Mrs. Markleham, tapping him +on the shoulder with her shut-up fan, 'of your thoughtfulness. It shows +that you don't expect, as many elderly people do expect, old heads on +young shoulders. You have studied Annie's character, and you understand +it. That's what I find so charming!' + +Even the calm and patient face of Doctor Strong expressed some little +sense of pain, I thought, under the infliction of these compliments. + +'Therefore, my dear Doctor,' said the Old Soldier, giving him several +affectionate taps, 'you may command me, at all times and seasons. Now, +do understand that I am entirely at your service. I am ready to go with +Annie to operas, concerts, exhibitions, all kinds of places; and you +shall never find that I am tired. Duty, my dear Doctor, before every +consideration in the universe!' + +She was as good as her word. She was one of those people who can bear +a great deal of pleasure, and she never flinched in her perseverance +in the cause. She seldom got hold of the newspaper (which she settled +herself down in the softest chair in the house to read through an +eye-glass, every day, for two hours), but she found out something that +she was certain Annie would like to see. It was in vain for Annie to +protest that she was weary of such things. Her mother's remonstrance +always was, 'Now, my dear Annie, I am sure you know better; and I must +tell you, my love, that you are not making a proper return for the +kindness of Doctor Strong.' + +This was usually said in the Doctor's presence, and appeared to me to +constitute Annie's principal inducement for withdrawing her objections +when she made any. But in general she resigned herself to her mother, +and went where the Old Soldier would. + +It rarely happened now that Mr. Maldon accompanied them. Sometimes +my aunt and Dora were invited to do so, and accepted the invitation. +Sometimes Dora only was asked. The time had been, when I should have +been uneasy in her going; but reflection on what had passed that +former night in the Doctor's study, had made a change in my mistrust. I +believed that the Doctor was right, and I had no worse suspicions. + +My aunt rubbed her nose sometimes when she happened to be alone with +me, and said she couldn't make it out; she wished they were happier; she +didn't think our military friend (so she always called the Old Soldier) +mended the matter at all. My aunt further expressed her opinion, 'that +if our military friend would cut off those butterflies, and give 'em to +the chimney-sweepers for May-day, it would look like the beginning of +something sensible on her part.' + +But her abiding reliance was on Mr. Dick. That man had evidently an +idea in his head, she said; and if he could only once pen it up into a +corner, which was his great difficulty, he would distinguish himself in +some extraordinary manner. + +Unconscious of this prediction, Mr. Dick continued to occupy precisely +the same ground in reference to the Doctor and to Mrs. Strong. He seemed +neither to advance nor to recede. He appeared to have settled into his +original foundation, like a building; and I must confess that my faith +in his ever Moving, was not much greater than if he had been a building. + +But one night, when I had been married some months, Mr. Dick put his +head into the parlour, where I was writing alone (Dora having gone out +with my aunt to take tea with the two little birds), and said, with a +significant cough: + +'You couldn't speak to me without inconveniencing yourself, Trotwood, I +am afraid?' + +'Certainly, Mr. Dick,' said I; 'come in!' + +'Trotwood,' said Mr. Dick, laying his finger on the side of his nose, +after he had shaken hands with me. 'Before I sit down, I wish to make an +observation. You know your aunt?' + +'A little,' I replied. + +'She is the most wonderful woman in the world, sir!' + +After the delivery of this communication, which he shot out of himself +as if he were loaded with it, Mr. Dick sat down with greater gravity +than usual, and looked at me. + +'Now, boy,' said Mr. Dick, 'I am going to put a question to you.' + +'As many as you please,' said I. + +'What do you consider me, sir?' asked Mr. Dick, folding his arms. + +'A dear old friend,' said I. 'Thank you, Trotwood,' returned Mr. Dick, +laughing, and reaching across in high glee to shake hands with me. 'But +I mean, boy,' resuming his gravity, 'what do you consider me in this +respect?' touching his forehead. + +I was puzzled how to answer, but he helped me with a word. + +'Weak?' said Mr. Dick. + +'Well,' I replied, dubiously. 'Rather so.' + +'Exactly!' cried Mr. Dick, who seemed quite enchanted by my reply. 'That +is, Trotwood, when they took some of the trouble out of you-know-who's +head, and put it you know where, there was a--' Mr. Dick made his two +hands revolve very fast about each other a great number of times, and +then brought them into collision, and rolled them over and over one +another, to express confusion. 'There was that sort of thing done to me +somehow. Eh?' + +I nodded at him, and he nodded back again. + +'In short, boy,' said Mr. Dick, dropping his voice to a whisper, 'I am +simple.' + +I would have qualified that conclusion, but he stopped me. + +'Yes, I am! She pretends I am not. She won't hear of it; but I am. I +know I am. If she hadn't stood my friend, sir, I should have been shut +up, to lead a dismal life these many years. But I'll provide for her! +I never spend the copying money. I put it in a box. I have made a will. +I'll leave it all to her. She shall be rich--noble!' + +Mr. Dick took out his pocket-handkerchief, and wiped his eyes. He then +folded it up with great care, pressed it smooth between his two hands, +put it in his pocket, and seemed to put my aunt away with it. + +'Now you are a scholar, Trotwood,' said Mr. Dick. 'You are a fine +scholar. You know what a learned man, what a great man, the Doctor is. +You know what honour he has always done me. Not proud in his wisdom. +Humble, humble--condescending even to poor Dick, who is simple and knows +nothing. I have sent his name up, on a scrap of paper, to the kite, +along the string, when it has been in the sky, among the larks. The kite +has been glad to receive it, sir, and the sky has been brighter with +it.' + +I delighted him by saying, most heartily, that the Doctor was deserving +of our best respect and highest esteem. + +'And his beautiful wife is a star,' said Mr. Dick. 'A shining star. I +have seen her shine, sir. But,' bringing his chair nearer, and laying +one hand upon my knee--'clouds, sir--clouds.' + +I answered the solicitude which his face expressed, by conveying the +same expression into my own, and shaking my head. + +'What clouds?' said Mr. Dick. + +He looked so wistfully into my face, and was so anxious to understand, +that I took great pains to answer him slowly and distinctly, as I might +have entered on an explanation to a child. + +'There is some unfortunate division between them,' I replied. 'Some +unhappy cause of separation. A secret. It may be inseparable from the +discrepancy in their years. It may have grown up out of almost nothing.' + +Mr. Dick, who had told off every sentence with a thoughtful nod, paused +when I had done, and sat considering, with his eyes upon my face, and +his hand upon my knee. + +'Doctor not angry with her, Trotwood?' he said, after some time. + +'No. Devoted to her.' + +'Then, I have got it, boy!' said Mr. Dick. + +The sudden exultation with which he slapped me on the knee, and leaned +back in his chair, with his eyebrows lifted up as high as he could +possibly lift them, made me think him farther out of his wits than +ever. He became as suddenly grave again, and leaning forward as before, +said--first respectfully taking out his pocket-handkerchief, as if it +really did represent my aunt: + +'Most wonderful woman in the world, Trotwood. Why has she done nothing +to set things right?' + +'Too delicate and difficult a subject for such interference,' I replied. + +'Fine scholar,' said Mr. Dick, touching me with his finger. 'Why has HE +done nothing?' + +'For the same reason,' I returned. + +'Then, I have got it, boy!' said Mr. Dick. And he stood up before me, +more exultingly than before, nodding his head, and striking himself +repeatedly upon the breast, until one might have supposed that he had +nearly nodded and struck all the breath out of his body. + +'A poor fellow with a craze, sir,' said Mr. Dick, 'a simpleton, a +weak-minded person--present company, you know!' striking himself again, +'may do what wonderful people may not do. I'll bring them together, boy. +I'll try. They'll not blame me. They'll not object to me. They'll not +mind what I do, if it's wrong. I'm only Mr. Dick. And who minds Dick? +Dick's nobody! Whoo!' He blew a slight, contemptuous breath, as if he +blew himself away. + +It was fortunate he had proceeded so far with his mystery, for we heard +the coach stop at the little garden gate, which brought my aunt and Dora +home. + +'Not a word, boy!' he pursued in a whisper; 'leave all the blame with +Dick--simple Dick--mad Dick. I have been thinking, sir, for some time, +that I was getting it, and now I have got it. After what you have said +to me, I am sure I have got it. All right!' Not another word did Mr. +Dick utter on the subject; but he made a very telegraph of himself for +the next half-hour (to the great disturbance of my aunt's mind), to +enjoin inviolable secrecy on me. + +To my surprise, I heard no more about it for some two or three weeks, +though I was sufficiently interested in the result of his endeavours; +descrying a strange gleam of good sense--I say nothing of good feeling, +for that he always exhibited--in the conclusion to which he had come. At +last I began to believe, that, in the flighty and unsettled state of his +mind, he had either forgotten his intention or abandoned it. + +One fair evening, when Dora was not inclined to go out, my aunt and I +strolled up to the Doctor's cottage. It was autumn, when there were no +debates to vex the evening air; and I remember how the leaves smelt like +our garden at Blunderstone as we trod them under foot, and how the old, +unhappy feeling, seemed to go by, on the sighing wind. + +It was twilight when we reached the cottage. Mrs. Strong was just coming +out of the garden, where Mr. Dick yet lingered, busy with his knife, +helping the gardener to point some stakes. The Doctor was engaged with +someone in his study; but the visitor would be gone directly, Mrs. +Strong said, and begged us to remain and see him. We went into the +drawing-room with her, and sat down by the darkening window. There was +never any ceremony about the visits of such old friends and neighbours +as we were. + +We had not sat here many minutes, when Mrs. Markleham, who usually +contrived to be in a fuss about something, came bustling in, with her +newspaper in her hand, and said, out of breath, 'My goodness gracious, +Annie, why didn't you tell me there was someone in the Study!' + +'My dear mama,' she quietly returned, 'how could I know that you desired +the information?' + +'Desired the information!' said Mrs. Markleham, sinking on the sofa. 'I +never had such a turn in all my life!' + +'Have you been to the Study, then, mama?' asked Annie. + +'BEEN to the Study, my dear!' she returned emphatically. 'Indeed I have! +I came upon the amiable creature--if you'll imagine my feelings, Miss +Trotwood and David--in the act of making his will.' + +Her daughter looked round from the window quickly. + +'In the act, my dear Annie,' repeated Mrs. Markleham, spreading the +newspaper on her lap like a table-cloth, and patting her hands upon it, +'of making his last Will and Testament. The foresight and affection of +the dear! I must tell you how it was. I really must, in justice to the +darling--for he is nothing less!--tell you how it was. Perhaps you know, +Miss Trotwood, that there is never a candle lighted in this house, until +one's eyes are literally falling out of one's head with being stretched +to read the paper. And that there is not a chair in this house, in which +a paper can be what I call, read, except one in the Study. This took me +to the Study, where I saw a light. I opened the door. In company with +the dear Doctor were two professional people, evidently connected with +the law, and they were all three standing at the table: the +darling Doctor pen in hand. "This simply expresses then," said the +Doctor--Annie, my love, attend to the very words--"this simply expresses +then, gentlemen, the confidence I have in Mrs. Strong, and gives her all +unconditionally?" One of the professional people replied, "And gives her +all unconditionally." Upon that, with the natural feelings of a mother, +I said, "Good God, I beg your pardon!" fell over the door-step, and came +away through the little back passage where the pantry is.' + +Mrs. Strong opened the window, and went out into the verandah, where she +stood leaning against a pillar. + +'But now isn't it, Miss Trotwood, isn't it, David, invigorating,' said +Mrs. Markleham, mechanically following her with her eyes, 'to find a man +at Doctor Strong's time of life, with the strength of mind to do this +kind of thing? It only shows how right I was. I said to Annie, when +Doctor Strong paid a very flattering visit to myself, and made her the +subject of a declaration and an offer, I said, "My dear, there is no +doubt whatever, in my opinion, with reference to a suitable provision +for you, that Doctor Strong will do more than he binds himself to do."' + +Here the bell rang, and we heard the sound of the visitors' feet as they +went out. + +'It's all over, no doubt,' said the Old Soldier, after listening; 'the +dear creature has signed, sealed, and delivered, and his mind's at rest. +Well it may be! What a mind! Annie, my love, I am going to the Study +with my paper, for I am a poor creature without news. Miss Trotwood, +David, pray come and see the Doctor.' + +I was conscious of Mr. Dick's standing in the shadow of the room, +shutting up his knife, when we accompanied her to the Study; and of my +aunt's rubbing her nose violently, by the way, as a mild vent for her +intolerance of our military friend; but who got first into the Study, or +how Mrs. Markleham settled herself in a moment in her easy-chair, or how +my aunt and I came to be left together near the door (unless her eyes +were quicker than mine, and she held me back), I have forgotten, if I +ever knew. But this I know,--that we saw the Doctor before he saw us, +sitting at his table, among the folio volumes in which he delighted, +resting his head calmly on his hand. That, in the same moment, we saw +Mrs. Strong glide in, pale and trembling. That Mr. Dick supported her on +his arm. That he laid his other hand upon the Doctor's arm, causing him +to look up with an abstracted air. That, as the Doctor moved his head, +his wife dropped down on one knee at his feet, and, with her hands +imploringly lifted, fixed upon his face the memorable look I had never +forgotten. That at this sight Mrs. Markleham dropped the newspaper, +and stared more like a figure-head intended for a ship to be called The +Astonishment, than anything else I can think of. + +The gentleness of the Doctor's manner and surprise, the dignity that +mingled with the supplicating attitude of his wife, the amiable concern +of Mr. Dick, and the earnestness with which my aunt said to herself, +'That man mad!' (triumphantly expressive of the misery from which she +had saved him)--I see and hear, rather than remember, as I write about +it. + +'Doctor!' said Mr. Dick. 'What is it that's amiss? Look here!' + +'Annie!' cried the Doctor. 'Not at my feet, my dear!' + +'Yes!' she said. 'I beg and pray that no one will leave the room! Oh, my +husband and father, break this long silence. Let us both know what it is +that has come between us!' + +Mrs. Markleham, by this time recovering the power of speech, and seeming +to swell with family pride and motherly indignation, here exclaimed, +'Annie, get up immediately, and don't disgrace everybody belonging to +you by humbling yourself like that, unless you wish to see me go out of +my mind on the spot!' + +'Mama!' returned Annie. 'Waste no words on me, for my appeal is to my +husband, and even you are nothing here.' + +'Nothing!' exclaimed Mrs. Markleham. 'Me, nothing! The child has taken +leave of her senses. Please to get me a glass of water!' + +I was too attentive to the Doctor and his wife, to give any heed to this +request; and it made no impression on anybody else; so Mrs. Markleham +panted, stared, and fanned herself. + +'Annie!' said the Doctor, tenderly taking her in his hands. 'My dear! +If any unavoidable change has come, in the sequence of time, upon our +married life, you are not to blame. The fault is mine, and only mine. +There is no change in my affection, admiration, and respect. I wish to +make you happy. I truly love and honour you. Rise, Annie, pray!' + +But she did not rise. After looking at him for a little while, she sank +down closer to him, laid her arm across his knee, and dropping her head +upon it, said: + +'If I have any friend here, who can speak one word for me, or for my +husband in this matter; if I have any friend here, who can give a voice +to any suspicion that my heart has sometimes whispered to me; if I have +any friend here, who honours my husband, or has ever cared for me, and +has anything within his knowledge, no matter what it is, that may help +to mediate between us, I implore that friend to speak!' + +There was a profound silence. After a few moments of painful hesitation, +I broke the silence. + +'Mrs. Strong,' I said, 'there is something within my knowledge, which +I have been earnestly entreated by Doctor Strong to conceal, and have +concealed until tonight. But, I believe the time has come when it would +be mistaken faith and delicacy to conceal it any longer, and when your +appeal absolves me from his injunction.' + +She turned her face towards me for a moment, and I knew that I was +right. I could not have resisted its entreaty, if the assurance that it +gave me had been less convincing. + +'Our future peace,' she said, 'may be in your hands. I trust it +confidently to your not suppressing anything. I know beforehand that +nothing you, or anyone, can tell me, will show my husband's noble heart +in any other light than one. Howsoever it may seem to you to touch me, +disregard that. I will speak for myself, before him, and before God +afterwards.' + +Thus earnestly besought, I made no reference to the Doctor for his +permission, but, without any other compromise of the truth than a little +softening of the coarseness of Uriah Heep, related plainly what had +passed in that same room that night. The staring of Mrs. Markleham +during the whole narration, and the shrill, sharp interjections with +which she occasionally interrupted it, defy description. + +When I had finished, Annie remained, for some few moments, silent, with +her head bent down, as I have described. Then, she took the Doctor's +hand (he was sitting in the same attitude as when we had entered the +room), and pressed it to her breast, and kissed it. Mr. Dick softly +raised her; and she stood, when she began to speak, leaning on him, and +looking down upon her husband--from whom she never turned her eyes. + +'All that has ever been in my mind, since I was married,' she said in a +low, submissive, tender voice, 'I will lay bare before you. I could not +live and have one reservation, knowing what I know now.' + +'Nay, Annie,' said the Doctor, mildly, 'I have never doubted you, my +child. There is no need; indeed there is no need, my dear.' + +'There is great need,' she answered, in the same way, 'that I should +open my whole heart before the soul of generosity and truth, whom, year +by year, and day by day, I have loved and venerated more and more, as +Heaven knows!' + +'Really,' interrupted Mrs. Markleham, 'if I have any discretion at +all--' + +('Which you haven't, you Marplot,' observed my aunt, in an indignant +whisper.) --'I must be permitted to observe that it cannot be requisite +to enter into these details.' + +'No one but my husband can judge of that, mama,' said Annie without +removing her eyes from his face, 'and he will hear me. If I say anything +to give you pain, mama, forgive me. I have borne pain first, often and +long, myself.' + +'Upon my word!' gasped Mrs. Markleham. + +'When I was very young,' said Annie, 'quite a little child, my first +associations with knowledge of any kind were inseparable from a patient +friend and teacher--the friend of my dead father--who was always dear +to me. I can remember nothing that I know, without remembering him. He +stored my mind with its first treasures, and stamped his character upon +them all. They never could have been, I think, as good as they have been +to me, if I had taken them from any other hands.' + +'Makes her mother nothing!' exclaimed Mrs. Markleham. + +'Not so mama,' said Annie; 'but I make him what he was. I must do that. +As I grew up, he occupied the same place still. I was proud of his +interest: deeply, fondly, gratefully attached to him. I looked up to +him, I can hardly describe how--as a father, as a guide, as one whose +praise was different from all other praise, as one in whom I could have +trusted and confided, if I had doubted all the world. You know, mama, +how young and inexperienced I was, when you presented him before me, of +a sudden, as a lover.' + +'I have mentioned the fact, fifty times at least, to everybody here!' +said Mrs. Markleham. + +('Then hold your tongue, for the Lord's sake, and don't mention it any +more!' muttered my aunt.) + +'It was so great a change: so great a loss, I felt it, at first,' said +Annie, still preserving the same look and tone, 'that I was agitated +and distressed. I was but a girl; and when so great a change came in the +character in which I had so long looked up to him, I think I was sorry. +But nothing could have made him what he used to be again; and I was +proud that he should think me so worthy, and we were married.' '--At +Saint Alphage, Canterbury,' observed Mrs. Markleham. + +('Confound the woman!' said my aunt, 'she WON'T be quiet!') + +'I never thought,' proceeded Annie, with a heightened colour, 'of any +worldly gain that my husband would bring to me. My young heart had no +room in its homage for any such poor reference. Mama, forgive me when +I say that it was you who first presented to my mind the thought that +anyone could wrong me, and wrong him, by such a cruel suspicion.' + +'Me!' cried Mrs. Markleham. + +('Ah! You, to be sure!' observed my aunt, 'and you can't fan it away, my +military friend!') + +'It was the first unhappiness of my new life,' said Annie. 'It was the +first occasion of every unhappy moment I have known. These moments have +been more, of late, than I can count; but not--my generous husband!--not +for the reason you suppose; for in my heart there is not a thought, a +recollection, or a hope, that any power could separate from you!' + +She raised her eyes, and clasped her hands, and looked as beautiful and +true, I thought, as any Spirit. The Doctor looked on her, henceforth, as +steadfastly as she on him. + +'Mama is blameless,' she went on, 'of having ever urged you for herself, +and she is blameless in intention every way, I am sure,--but when I saw +how many importunate claims were pressed upon you in my name; how you +were traded on in my name; how generous you were, and how Mr. Wickfield, +who had your welfare very much at heart, resented it; the first sense +of my exposure to the mean suspicion that my tenderness was bought--and +sold to you, of all men on earth--fell upon me like unmerited disgrace, +in which I forced you to participate. I cannot tell you what it +was--mama cannot imagine what it was--to have this dread and trouble +always on my mind, yet know in my own soul that on my marriage-day I +crowned the love and honour of my life!' + +'A specimen of the thanks one gets,' cried Mrs. Markleham, in tears, +'for taking care of one's family! I wish I was a Turk!' + +('I wish you were, with all my heart--and in your native country!' said +my aunt.) + +'It was at that time that mama was most solicitous about my Cousin +Maldon. I had liked him': she spoke softly, but without any hesitation: +'very much. We had been little lovers once. If circumstances had not +happened otherwise, I might have come to persuade myself that I really +loved him, and might have married him, and been most wretched. There can +be no disparity in marriage like unsuitability of mind and purpose.' + +I pondered on those words, even while I was studiously attending to +what followed, as if they had some particular interest, or some strange +application that I could not divine. 'There can be no disparity in +marriage like unsuitability of mind and purpose'--'no disparity in +marriage like unsuitability of mind and purpose.' + +'There is nothing,' said Annie, 'that we have in common. I have long +found that there is nothing. If I were thankful to my husband for no +more, instead of for so much, I should be thankful to him for having +saved me from the first mistaken impulse of my undisciplined heart.' + +She stood quite still, before the Doctor, and spoke with an earnestness +that thrilled me. Yet her voice was just as quiet as before. + +'When he was waiting to be the object of your munificence, so freely +bestowed for my sake, and when I was unhappy in the mercenary shape +I was made to wear, I thought it would have become him better to have +worked his own way on. I thought that if I had been he, I would have +tried to do it, at the cost of almost any hardship. But I thought no +worse of him, until the night of his departure for India. That night I +knew he had a false and thankless heart. I saw a double meaning, then, +in Mr. Wickfield's scrutiny of me. I perceived, for the first time, the +dark suspicion that shadowed my life.' + +'Suspicion, Annie!' said the Doctor. 'No, no, no!' + +'In your mind there was none, I know, my husband!' she returned. 'And +when I came to you, that night, to lay down all my load of shame and +grief, and knew that I had to tell that, underneath your roof, one of my +own kindred, to whom you had been a benefactor, for the love of me, had +spoken to me words that should have found no utterance, even if I had +been the weak and mercenary wretch he thought me--my mind revolted from +the taint the very tale conveyed. It died upon my lips, and from that +hour till now has never passed them.' + +Mrs. Markleham, with a short groan, leaned back in her easy-chair; and +retired behind her fan, as if she were never coming out any more. + +'I have never, but in your presence, interchanged a word with him from +that time; then, only when it has been necessary for the avoidance of +this explanation. Years have passed since he knew, from me, what his +situation here was. The kindnesses you have secretly done for his +advancement, and then disclosed to me, for my surprise and pleasure, +have been, you will believe, but aggravations of the unhappiness and +burden of my secret.' + +She sunk down gently at the Doctor's feet, though he did his utmost to +prevent her; and said, looking up, tearfully, into his face: + +'Do not speak to me yet! Let me say a little more! Right or wrong, if +this were to be done again, I think I should do just the same. You never +can know what it was to be devoted to you, with those old associations; +to find that anyone could be so hard as to suppose that the truth of my +heart was bartered away, and to be surrounded by appearances confirming +that belief. I was very young, and had no adviser. Between mama and +me, in all relating to you, there was a wide division. If I shrunk into +myself, hiding the disrespect I had undergone, it was because I honoured +you so much, and so much wished that you should honour me!' + +'Annie, my pure heart!' said the Doctor, 'my dear girl!' + +'A little more! a very few words more! I used to think there were so +many whom you might have married, who would not have brought such charge +and trouble on you, and who would have made your home a worthier home. I +used to be afraid that I had better have remained your pupil, and almost +your child. I used to fear that I was so unsuited to your learning and +wisdom. If all this made me shrink within myself (as indeed it did), +when I had that to tell, it was still because I honoured you so much, +and hoped that you might one day honour me.' + +'That day has shone this long time, Annie,' said the Doctor, 'and can +have but one long night, my dear.' + +'Another word! I afterwards meant--steadfastly meant, and purposed to +myself--to bear the whole weight of knowing the unworthiness of one +to whom you had been so good. And now a last word, dearest and best of +friends! The cause of the late change in you, which I have seen with +so much pain and sorrow, and have sometimes referred to my old +apprehension--at other times to lingering suppositions nearer to the +truth--has been made clear tonight; and by an accident I have also come +to know, tonight, the full measure of your noble trust in me, even +under that mistake. I do not hope that any love and duty I may render in +return, will ever make me worthy of your priceless confidence; but with +all this knowledge fresh upon me, I can lift my eyes to this dear +face, revered as a father's, loved as a husband's, sacred to me in +my childhood as a friend's, and solemnly declare that in my lightest +thought I have never wronged you; never wavered in the love and the +fidelity I owe you!' + +She had her arms around the Doctor's neck, and he leant his head down +over her, mingling his grey hair with her dark brown tresses. + +'Oh, hold me to your heart, my husband! Never cast me out! Do not think +or speak of disparity between us, for there is none, except in all my +many imperfections. Every succeeding year I have known this better, as I +have esteemed you more and more. Oh, take me to your heart, my husband, +for my love was founded on a rock, and it endures!' + +In the silence that ensued, my aunt walked gravely up to Mr. Dick, +without at all hurrying herself, and gave him a hug and a sounding kiss. +And it was very fortunate, with a view to his credit, that she did so; +for I am confident that I detected him at that moment in the act of +making preparations to stand on one leg, as an appropriate expression of +delight. + +'You are a very remarkable man, Dick!' said my aunt, with an air of +unqualified approbation; 'and never pretend to be anything else, for I +know better!' + +With that, my aunt pulled him by the sleeve, and nodded to me; and we +three stole quietly out of the room, and came away. + +'That's a settler for our military friend, at any rate,' said my aunt, +on the way home. 'I should sleep the better for that, if there was +nothing else to be glad of!' + +'She was quite overcome, I am afraid,' said Mr. Dick, with great +commiseration. + +'What! Did you ever see a crocodile overcome?' inquired my aunt. + +'I don't think I ever saw a crocodile,' returned Mr. Dick, mildly. + +'There never would have been anything the matter, if it hadn't been for +that old Animal,' said my aunt, with strong emphasis. 'It's very much +to be wished that some mothers would leave their daughters alone after +marriage, and not be so violently affectionate. They seem to think the +only return that can be made them for bringing an unfortunate young +woman into the world--God bless my soul, as if she asked to be brought, +or wanted to come!--is full liberty to worry her out of it again. What +are you thinking of, Trot?' + +I was thinking of all that had been said. My mind was still running on +some of the expressions used. 'There can be no disparity in marriage +like unsuitability of mind and purpose.' 'The first mistaken impulse of +an undisciplined heart.' 'My love was founded on a rock.' But we were at +home; and the trodden leaves were lying under-foot, and the autumn wind +was blowing. + + + +CHAPTER 46. INTELLIGENCE + + +I must have been married, if I may trust to my imperfect memory for +dates, about a year or so, when one evening, as I was returning from a +solitary walk, thinking of the book I was then writing--for my success +had steadily increased with my steady application, and I was engaged at +that time upon my first work of fiction--I came past Mrs. Steerforth's +house. I had often passed it before, during my residence in that +neighbourhood, though never when I could choose another road. Howbeit, +it did sometimes happen that it was not easy to find another, without +making a long circuit; and so I had passed that way, upon the whole, +pretty often. + +I had never done more than glance at the house, as I went by with a +quickened step. It had been uniformly gloomy and dull. None of the best +rooms abutted on the road; and the narrow, heavily-framed old-fashioned +windows, never cheerful under any circumstances, looked very dismal, +close shut, and with their blinds always drawn down. There was a covered +way across a little paved court, to an entrance that was never used; and +there was one round staircase window, at odds with all the rest, and the +only one unshaded by a blind, which had the same unoccupied blank look. +I do not remember that I ever saw a light in all the house. If I had +been a casual passer-by, I should have probably supposed that some +childless person lay dead in it. If I had happily possessed no knowledge +of the place, and had seen it often in that changeless state, I should +have pleased my fancy with many ingenious speculations, I dare say. + +As it was, I thought as little of it as I might. But my mind could not +go by it and leave it, as my body did; and it usually awakened a long +train of meditations. Coming before me, on this particular evening that +I mention, mingled with the childish recollections and later fancies, +the ghosts of half-formed hopes, the broken shadows of disappointments +dimly seen and understood, the blending of experience and imagination, +incidental to the occupation with which my thoughts had been busy, it +was more than commonly suggestive. I fell into a brown study as I walked +on, and a voice at my side made me start. + +It was a woman's voice, too. I was not long in recollecting Mrs. +Steerforth's little parlour-maid, who had formerly worn blue ribbons in +her cap. She had taken them out now, to adapt herself, I suppose, to +the altered character of the house; and wore but one or two disconsolate +bows of sober brown. + +'If you please, sir, would you have the goodness to walk in, and speak +to Miss Dartle?' + +'Has Miss Dartle sent you for me?' I inquired. + +'Not tonight, sir, but it's just the same. Miss Dartle saw you pass a +night or two ago; and I was to sit at work on the staircase, and when I +saw you pass again, to ask you to step in and speak to her.' + +I turned back, and inquired of my conductor, as we went along, how Mrs. +Steerforth was. She said her lady was but poorly, and kept her own room +a good deal. + +When we arrived at the house, I was directed to Miss Dartle in the +garden, and left to make my presence known to her myself. She was +sitting on a seat at one end of a kind of terrace, overlooking the great +city. It was a sombre evening, with a lurid light in the sky; and as +I saw the prospect scowling in the distance, with here and there some +larger object starting up into the sullen glare, I fancied it was no +inapt companion to the memory of this fierce woman. + +She saw me as I advanced, and rose for a moment to receive me. I thought +her, then, still more colourless and thin than when I had seen her last; +the flashing eyes still brighter, and the scar still plainer. + +Our meeting was not cordial. We had parted angrily on the last occasion; +and there was an air of disdain about her, which she took no pains to +conceal. + +'I am told you wish to speak to me, Miss Dartle,' said I, standing near +her, with my hand upon the back of the seat, and declining her gesture +of invitation to sit down. + +'If you please,' said she. 'Pray has this girl been found?' + +'No.' + +'And yet she has run away!' + +I saw her thin lips working while she looked at me, as if they were +eager to load her with reproaches. + +'Run away?' I repeated. + +'Yes! From him,' she said, with a laugh. 'If she is not found, perhaps +she never will be found. She may be dead!' + +The vaunting cruelty with which she met my glance, I never saw expressed +in any other face that ever I have seen. + +'To wish her dead,' said I, 'may be the kindest wish that one of her own +sex could bestow upon her. I am glad that time has softened you so much, +Miss Dartle.' + +She condescended to make no reply, but, turning on me with another +scornful laugh, said: + +'The friends of this excellent and much-injured young lady are friends +of yours. You are their champion, and assert their rights. Do you wish +to know what is known of her?' + +'Yes,' said I. + +She rose with an ill-favoured smile, and taking a few steps towards +a wall of holly that was near at hand, dividing the lawn from a +kitchen-garden, said, in a louder voice, 'Come here!'--as if she were +calling to some unclean beast. + +'You will restrain any demonstrative championship or vengeance in this +place, of course, Mr. Copperfield?' said she, looking over her shoulder +at me with the same expression. + +I inclined my head, without knowing what she meant; and she said, 'Come +here!' again; and returned, followed by the respectable Mr. Littimer, +who, with undiminished respectability, made me a bow, and took up his +position behind her. The air of wicked grace: of triumph, in which, +strange to say, there was yet something feminine and alluring: with +which she reclined upon the seat between us, and looked at me, was +worthy of a cruel Princess in a Legend. + +'Now,' said she, imperiously, without glancing at him, and touching +the old wound as it throbbed: perhaps, in this instance, with pleasure +rather than pain. 'Tell Mr. Copperfield about the flight.' + +'Mr. James and myself, ma'am--' + +'Don't address yourself to me!' she interrupted with a frown. + +'Mr. James and myself, sir--' + +'Nor to me, if you please,' said I. + +Mr. Littimer, without being at all discomposed, signified by a slight +obeisance, that anything that was most agreeable to us was most +agreeable to him; and began again. + +'Mr. James and myself have been abroad with the young woman, ever +since she left Yarmouth under Mr. James's protection. We have been in a +variety of places, and seen a deal of foreign country. We have been in +France, Switzerland, Italy, in fact, almost all parts.' + +He looked at the back of the seat, as if he were addressing himself to +that; and softly played upon it with his hands, as if he were striking +chords upon a dumb piano. + +'Mr. James took quite uncommonly to the young woman; and was more +settled, for a length of time, than I have known him to be since I have +been in his service. The young woman was very improvable, and spoke the +languages; and wouldn't have been known for the same country-person. I +noticed that she was much admired wherever we went.' + +Miss Dartle put her hand upon her side. I saw him steal a glance at her, +and slightly smile to himself. + +'Very much admired, indeed, the young woman was. What with her dress; +what with the air and sun; what with being made so much of; what with +this, that, and the other; her merits really attracted general notice.' + +He made a short pause. Her eyes wandered restlessly over the distant +prospect, and she bit her nether lip to stop that busy mouth. + +Taking his hands from the seat, and placing one of them within the +other, as he settled himself on one leg, Mr. Littimer proceeded, with +his eyes cast down, and his respectable head a little advanced, and a +little on one side: + +'The young woman went on in this manner for some time, being +occasionally low in her spirits, until I think she began to weary Mr. +James by giving way to her low spirits and tempers of that kind; and +things were not so comfortable. Mr. James he began to be restless again. +The more restless he got, the worse she got; and I must say, for myself, +that I had a very difficult time of it indeed between the two. Still +matters were patched up here, and made good there, over and over again; +and altogether lasted, I am sure, for a longer time than anybody could +have expected.' + +Recalling her eyes from the distance, she looked at me again now, with +her former air. Mr. Littimer, clearing his throat behind his hand with a +respectable short cough, changed legs, and went on: + +'At last, when there had been, upon the whole, a good many words and +reproaches, Mr. James he set off one morning, from the neighbourhood of +Naples, where we had a villa (the young woman being very partial to +the sea), and, under pretence of coming back in a day or so, left it in +charge with me to break it out, that, for the general happiness of all +concerned, he was'--here an interruption of the short cough--'gone. But +Mr. James, I must say, certainly did behave extremely honourable; for +he proposed that the young woman should marry a very respectable person, +who was fully prepared to overlook the past, and who was, at least, as +good as anybody the young woman could have aspired to in a regular way: +her connexions being very common.' + +He changed legs again, and wetted his lips. I was convinced that the +scoundrel spoke of himself, and I saw my conviction reflected in Miss +Dartle's face. + +'This I also had it in charge to communicate. I was willing to do +anything to relieve Mr. James from his difficulty, and to restore +harmony between himself and an affectionate parent, who has undergone +so much on his account. Therefore I undertook the commission. The +young woman's violence when she came to, after I broke the fact of his +departure, was beyond all expectations. She was quite mad, and had to +be held by force; or, if she couldn't have got to a knife, or got to the +sea, she'd have beaten her head against the marble floor.' + +Miss Dartle, leaning back upon the seat, with a light of exultation in +her face, seemed almost to caress the sounds this fellow had uttered. + +'But when I came to the second part of what had been entrusted to me,' +said Mr. Littimer, rubbing his hands uneasily, 'which anybody might +have supposed would have been, at all events, appreciated as a kind +intention, then the young woman came out in her true colours. A more +outrageous person I never did see. Her conduct was surprisingly bad. She +had no more gratitude, no more feeling, no more patience, no more reason +in her, than a stock or a stone. If I hadn't been upon my guard, I am +convinced she would have had my blood.' + +'I think the better of her for it,' said I, indignantly. + +Mr. Littimer bent his head, as much as to say, 'Indeed, sir? But you're +young!' and resumed his narrative. + +'It was necessary, in short, for a time, to take away everything nigh +her, that she could do herself, or anybody else, an injury with, and +to shut her up close. Notwithstanding which, she got out in the night; +forced the lattice of a window, that I had nailed up myself; dropped on +a vine that was trailed below; and never has been seen or heard of, to +my knowledge, since.' + +'She is dead, perhaps,' said Miss Dartle, with a smile, as if she could +have spurned the body of the ruined girl. + +'She may have drowned herself, miss,' returned Mr. Littimer, catching at +an excuse for addressing himself to somebody. 'It's very possible. Or, +she may have had assistance from the boatmen, and the boatmen's wives +and children. Being given to low company, she was very much in the +habit of talking to them on the beach, Miss Dartle, and sitting by their +boats. I have known her do it, when Mr. James has been away, whole days. +Mr. James was far from pleased to find out, once, that she had told the +children she was a boatman's daughter, and that in her own country, long +ago, she had roamed about the beach, like them.' + +Oh, Emily! Unhappy beauty! What a picture rose before me of her sitting +on the far-off shore, among the children like herself when she was +innocent, listening to little voices such as might have called her +Mother had she been a poor man's wife; and to the great voice of the +sea, with its eternal 'Never more!' + +'When it was clear that nothing could be done, Miss Dartle--' + +'Did I tell you not to speak to me?' she said, with stern contempt. + +'You spoke to me, miss,' he replied. 'I beg your pardon. But it is my +service to obey.' + +'Do your service,' she returned. 'Finish your story, and go!' + +'When it was clear,' he said, with infinite respectability and an +obedient bow, 'that she was not to be found, I went to Mr. James, at the +place where it had been agreed that I should write to him, and informed +him of what had occurred. Words passed between us in consequence, and +I felt it due to my character to leave him. I could bear, and I have +borne, a great deal from Mr. James; but he insulted me too far. He hurt +me. Knowing the unfortunate difference between himself and his mother, +and what her anxiety of mind was likely to be, I took the liberty of +coming home to England, and relating--' + +'For money which I paid him,' said Miss Dartle to me. + +'Just so, ma'am--and relating what I knew. I am not aware,' said Mr. +Littimer, after a moment's reflection, 'that there is anything else. +I am at present out of employment, and should be happy to meet with a +respectable situation.' + +Miss Dartle glanced at me, as though she would inquire if there were +anything that I desired to ask. As there was something which had +occurred to my mind, I said in reply: + +'I could wish to know from this--creature,' I could not bring myself +to utter any more conciliatory word, 'whether they intercepted a letter +that was written to her from home, or whether he supposes that she +received it.' + +He remained calm and silent, with his eyes fixed on the ground, and the +tip of every finger of his right hand delicately poised against the tip +of every finger of his left. + +Miss Dartle turned her head disdainfully towards him. + +'I beg your pardon, miss,' he said, awakening from his abstraction, +'but, however submissive to you, I have my position, though a servant. +Mr. Copperfield and you, miss, are different people. If Mr. Copperfield +wishes to know anything from me, I take the liberty of reminding Mr. +Copperfield that he can put a question to me. I have a character to +maintain.' + +After a momentary struggle with myself, I turned my eyes upon him, and +said, 'You have heard my question. Consider it addressed to yourself, if +you choose. What answer do you make?' + +'Sir,' he rejoined, with an occasional separation and reunion of those +delicate tips, 'my answer must be qualified; because, to betray Mr. +James's confidence to his mother, and to betray it to you, are two +different actions. It is not probable, I consider, that Mr. James would +encourage the receipt of letters likely to increase low spirits and +unpleasantness; but further than that, sir, I should wish to avoid +going.' + +'Is that all?' inquired Miss Dartle of me. + +I indicated that I had nothing more to say. 'Except,' I added, as I +saw him moving off, 'that I understand this fellow's part in the wicked +story, and that, as I shall make it known to the honest man who has been +her father from her childhood, I would recommend him to avoid going too +much into public.' + +He had stopped the moment I began, and had listened with his usual +repose of manner. + +'Thank you, sir. But you'll excuse me if I say, sir, that there are +neither slaves nor slave-drivers in this country, and that people are +not allowed to take the law into their own hands. If they do, it is +more to their own peril, I believe, than to other people's. Consequently +speaking, I am not at all afraid of going wherever I may wish, sir.' + +With that, he made a polite bow; and, with another to Miss Dartle, went +away through the arch in the wall of holly by which he had come. Miss +Dartle and I regarded each other for a little while in silence; her +manner being exactly what it was, when she had produced the man. + +'He says besides,' she observed, with a slow curling of her lip, 'that +his master, as he hears, is coasting Spain; and this done, is away +to gratify his seafaring tastes till he is weary. But this is of no +interest to you. Between these two proud persons, mother and son, there +is a wider breach than before, and little hope of its healing, for they +are one at heart, and time makes each more obstinate and imperious. +Neither is this of any interest to you; but it introduces what I wish to +say. This devil whom you make an angel of. I mean this low girl whom he +picked out of the tide-mud,' with her black eyes full upon me, and her +passionate finger up, 'may be alive,--for I believe some common things +are hard to die. If she is, you will desire to have a pearl of such +price found and taken care of. We desire that, too; that he may not +by any chance be made her prey again. So far, we are united in one +interest; and that is why I, who would do her any mischief that so +coarse a wretch is capable of feeling, have sent for you to hear what +you have heard.' + +I saw, by the change in her face, that someone was advancing behind me. +It was Mrs. Steerforth, who gave me her hand more coldly than of yore, +and with an augmentation of her former stateliness of manner, but still, +I perceived--and I was touched by it--with an ineffaceable remembrance +of my old love for her son. She was greatly altered. Her fine figure was +far less upright, her handsome face was deeply marked, and her hair was +almost white. But when she sat down on the seat, she was a handsome lady +still; and well I knew the bright eye with its lofty look, that had been +a light in my very dreams at school. + +'Is Mr. Copperfield informed of everything, Rosa?' + +'Yes.' + +'And has he heard Littimer himself?' + +'Yes; I have told him why you wished it.' 'You are a good girl. I have +had some slight correspondence with your former friend, sir,' addressing +me, 'but it has not restored his sense of duty or natural obligation. +Therefore I have no other object in this, than what Rosa has mentioned. +If, by the course which may relieve the mind of the decent man you +brought here (for whom I am sorry--I can say no more), my son may be +saved from again falling into the snares of a designing enemy, well!' + +She drew herself up, and sat looking straight before her, far away. + +'Madam,' I said respectfully, 'I understand. I assure you I am in no +danger of putting any strained construction on your motives. But I must +say, even to you, having known this injured family from childhood, +that if you suppose the girl, so deeply wronged, has not been cruelly +deluded, and would not rather die a hundred deaths than take a cup of +water from your son's hand now, you cherish a terrible mistake.' + +'Well, Rosa, well!' said Mrs. Steerforth, as the other was about to +interpose, 'it is no matter. Let it be. You are married, sir, I am +told?' + +I answered that I had been some time married. + +'And are doing well? I hear little in the quiet life I lead, but I +understand you are beginning to be famous.' + +'I have been very fortunate,' I said, 'and find my name connected with +some praise.' + +'You have no mother?'--in a softened voice. + +'No.' + +'It is a pity,' she returned. 'She would have been proud of you. Good +night!' + +I took the hand she held out with a dignified, unbending air, and it +was as calm in mine as if her breast had been at peace. Her pride could +still its very pulses, it appeared, and draw the placid veil before +her face, through which she sat looking straight before her on the far +distance. + +As I moved away from them along the terrace, I could not help observing +how steadily they both sat gazing on the prospect, and how it thickened +and closed around them. Here and there, some early lamps were seen to +twinkle in the distant city; and in the eastern quarter of the sky +the lurid light still hovered. But, from the greater part of the broad +valley interposed, a mist was rising like a sea, which, mingling with +the darkness, made it seem as if the gathering waters would encompass +them. I have reason to remember this, and think of it with awe; for +before I looked upon those two again, a stormy sea had risen to their +feet. + +Reflecting on what had been thus told me, I felt it right that it should +be communicated to Mr. Peggotty. On the following evening I went into +London in quest of him. He was always wandering about from place to +place, with his one object of recovering his niece before him; but was +more in London than elsewhere. Often and often, now, had I seen him in +the dead of night passing along the streets, searching, among the few +who loitered out of doors at those untimely hours, for what he dreaded +to find. + +He kept a lodging over the little chandler's shop in Hungerford Market, +which I have had occasion to mention more than once, and from which he +first went forth upon his errand of mercy. Hither I directed my walk. On +making inquiry for him, I learned from the people of the house that he +had not gone out yet, and I should find him in his room upstairs. + +He was sitting reading by a window in which he kept a few plants. The +room was very neat and orderly. I saw in a moment that it was always +kept prepared for her reception, and that he never went out but he +thought it possible he might bring her home. He had not heard my tap +at the door, and only raised his eyes when I laid my hand upon his +shoulder. + +'Mas'r Davy! Thankee, sir! thankee hearty, for this visit! Sit ye down. +You're kindly welcome, sir!' + +'Mr. Peggotty,' said I, taking the chair he handed me, 'don't expect +much! I have heard some news.' + +'Of Em'ly!' + +He put his hand, in a nervous manner, on his mouth, and turned pale, as +he fixed his eyes on mine. + +'It gives no clue to where she is; but she is not with him.' + +He sat down, looking intently at me, and listened in profound silence +to all I had to tell. I well remember the sense of dignity, beauty even, +with which the patient gravity of his face impressed me, when, having +gradually removed his eyes from mine, he sat looking downward, leaning +his forehead on his hand. He offered no interruption, but remained +throughout perfectly still. He seemed to pursue her figure through +the narrative, and to let every other shape go by him, as if it were +nothing. + +When I had done, he shaded his face, and continued silent. I looked out +of the window for a little while, and occupied myself with the plants. + +'How do you fare to feel about it, Mas'r Davy?' he inquired at length. + +'I think that she is living,' I replied. + +'I doen't know. Maybe the first shock was too rough, and in the wildness +of her art--! That there blue water as she used to speak on. Could she +have thowt o' that so many year, because it was to be her grave!' + +He said this, musing, in a low, frightened voice; and walked across the +little room. + +'And yet,' he added, 'Mas'r Davy, I have felt so sure as she was +living--I have know'd, awake and sleeping, as it was so trew that I +should find her--I have been so led on by it, and held up by it--that I +doen't believe I can have been deceived. No! Em'ly's alive!' + +He put his hand down firmly on the table, and set his sunburnt face into +a resolute expression. + +'My niece, Em'ly, is alive, sir!' he said, steadfastly. 'I doen't know +wheer it comes from, or how 'tis, but I am told as she's alive!' + +He looked almost like a man inspired, as he said it. I waited for a +few moments, until he could give me his undivided attention; and then +proceeded to explain the precaution, that, it had occurred to me last +night, it would be wise to take. + +'Now, my dear friend--'I began. + +'Thankee, thankee, kind sir,' he said, grasping my hand in both of his. + +'If she should make her way to London, which is likely--for where could +she lose herself so readily as in this vast city; and what would she +wish to do, but lose and hide herself, if she does not go home?--' + +'And she won't go home,' he interposed, shaking his head mournfully. 'If +she had left of her own accord, she might; not as It was, sir.' + +'If she should come here,' said I, 'I believe there is one person, +here, more likely to discover her than any other in the world. Do +you remember--hear what I say, with fortitude--think of your great +object!--do you remember Martha?' + +'Of our town?' + +I needed no other answer than his face. + +'Do you know that she is in London?' + +'I have seen her in the streets,' he answered, with a shiver. + +'But you don't know,' said I, 'that Emily was charitable to her, with +Ham's help, long before she fled from home. Nor, that, when we met one +night, and spoke together in the room yonder, over the way, she listened +at the door.' + +'Mas'r Davy!' he replied in astonishment. 'That night when it snew so +hard?' + +'That night. I have never seen her since. I went back, after parting +from you, to speak to her, but she was gone. I was unwilling to mention +her to you then, and I am now; but she is the person of whom I speak, +and with whom I think we should communicate. Do you understand?' + +'Too well, sir,' he replied. We had sunk our voices, almost to a +whisper, and continued to speak in that tone. + +'You say you have seen her. Do you think that you could find her? I +could only hope to do so by chance.' + +'I think, Mas'r Davy, I know wheer to look.' + +'It is dark. Being together, shall we go out now, and try to find her +tonight?' + +He assented, and prepared to accompany me. Without appearing to observe +what he was doing, I saw how carefully he adjusted the little room, +put a candle ready and the means of lighting it, arranged the bed, and +finally took out of a drawer one of her dresses (I remember to have +seen her wear it), neatly folded with some other garments, and a bonnet, +which he placed upon a chair. He made no allusion to these clothes, +neither did I. There they had been waiting for her, many and many a +night, no doubt. + +'The time was, Mas'r Davy,' he said, as we came downstairs, 'when I +thowt this girl, Martha, a'most like the dirt underneath my Em'ly's +feet. God forgive me, theer's a difference now!' + +As we went along, partly to hold him in conversation, and partly to +satisfy myself, I asked him about Ham. He said, almost in the same words +as formerly, that Ham was just the same, 'wearing away his life with +kiender no care nohow for 't; but never murmuring, and liked by all'. + +I asked him what he thought Ham's state of mind was, in reference to the +cause of their misfortunes? Whether he believed it was dangerous? What +he supposed, for example, Ham would do, if he and Steerforth ever should +encounter? + +'I doen't know, sir,' he replied. 'I have thowt of it oftentimes, but I +can't awize myself of it, no matters.' + +I recalled to his remembrance the morning after her departure, when we +were all three on the beach. 'Do you recollect,' said I, 'a certain wild +way in which he looked out to sea, and spoke about "the end of it"?' + +'Sure I do!' said he. + +'What do you suppose he meant?' + +'Mas'r Davy,' he replied, 'I've put the question to myself a mort o' +times, and never found no answer. And theer's one curious thing--that, +though he is so pleasant, I wouldn't fare to feel comfortable to try and +get his mind upon 't. He never said a wured to me as warn't as dootiful +as dootiful could be, and it ain't likely as he'd begin to speak any +other ways now; but it's fur from being fleet water in his mind, where +them thowts lays. It's deep, sir, and I can't see down.' + +'You are right,' said I, 'and that has sometimes made me anxious.' + +'And me too, Mas'r Davy,' he rejoined. 'Even more so, I do assure you, +than his ventersome ways, though both belongs to the alteration in him. +I doen't know as he'd do violence under any circumstances, but I hope as +them two may be kep asunders.' + +We had come, through Temple Bar, into the city. Conversing no more now, +and walking at my side, he yielded himself up to the one aim of his +devoted life, and went on, with that hushed concentration of his +faculties which would have made his figure solitary in a multitude. +We were not far from Blackfriars Bridge, when he turned his head and +pointed to a solitary female figure flitting along the opposite side of +the street. I knew it, readily, to be the figure that we sought. + +We crossed the road, and were pressing on towards her, when it occurred +to me that she might be more disposed to feel a woman's interest in the +lost girl, if we spoke to her in a quieter place, aloof from the crowd, +and where we should be less observed. I advised my companion, therefore, +that we should not address her yet, but follow her; consulting in this, +likewise, an indistinct desire I had, to know where she went. + +He acquiescing, we followed at a distance: never losing sight of her, +but never caring to come very near, as she frequently looked about. +Once, she stopped to listen to a band of music; and then we stopped too. + +She went on a long way. Still we went on. It was evident, from the +manner in which she held her course, that she was going to some fixed +destination; and this, and her keeping in the busy streets, and I +suppose the strange fascination in the secrecy and mystery of so +following anyone, made me adhere to my first purpose. At length she +turned into a dull, dark street, where the noise and crowd were lost; +and I said, 'We may speak to her now'; and, mending our pace, we went +after her. + + +CHAPTER 47. MARTHA + + +We were now down in Westminster. We had turned back to follow her, +having encountered her coming towards us; and Westminster Abbey was +the point at which she passed from the lights and noise of the leading +streets. She proceeded so quickly, when she got free of the two currents +of passengers setting towards and from the bridge, that, between this +and the advance she had of us when she struck off, we were in the narrow +water-side street by Millbank before we came up with her. At that moment +she crossed the road, as if to avoid the footsteps that she heard so +close behind; and, without looking back, passed on even more rapidly. + +A glimpse of the river through a dull gateway, where some waggons were +housed for the night, seemed to arrest my feet. I touched my companion +without speaking, and we both forbore to cross after her, and both +followed on that opposite side of the way; keeping as quietly as we +could in the shadow of the houses, but keeping very near her. + +There was, and is when I write, at the end of that low-lying street, +a dilapidated little wooden building, probably an obsolete old +ferry-house. Its position is just at that point where the street ceases, +and the road begins to lie between a row of houses and the river. As +soon as she came here, and saw the water, she stopped as if she had come +to her destination; and presently went slowly along by the brink of the +river, looking intently at it. + +All the way here, I had supposed that she was going to some house; +indeed, I had vaguely entertained the hope that the house might be in +some way associated with the lost girl. But that one dark glimpse of the +river, through the gateway, had instinctively prepared me for her going +no farther. + +The neighbourhood was a dreary one at that time; as oppressive, sad, and +solitary by night, as any about London. There were neither wharves nor +houses on the melancholy waste of road near the great blank Prison. A +sluggish ditch deposited its mud at the prison walls. Coarse grass and +rank weeds straggled over all the marshy land in the vicinity. In one +part, carcases of houses, inauspiciously begun and never finished, +rotted away. In another, the ground was cumbered with rusty iron +monsters of steam-boilers, wheels, cranks, pipes, furnaces, paddles, +anchors, diving-bells, windmill-sails, and I know not what strange +objects, accumulated by some speculator, and grovelling in the dust, +underneath which--having sunk into the soil of their own weight in wet +weather--they had the appearance of vainly trying to hide themselves. +The clash and glare of sundry fiery Works upon the river-side, arose +by night to disturb everything except the heavy and unbroken smoke that +poured out of their chimneys. Slimy gaps and causeways, winding among +old wooden piles, with a sickly substance clinging to the latter, like +green hair, and the rags of last year's handbills offering rewards for +drowned men fluttering above high-water mark, led down through the ooze +and slush to the ebb-tide. There was a story that one of the pits +dug for the dead in the time of the Great Plague was hereabout; and +a blighting influence seemed to have proceeded from it over the whole +place. Or else it looked as if it had gradually decomposed into that +nightmare condition, out of the overflowings of the polluted stream. + +As if she were a part of the refuse it had cast out, and left to +corruption and decay, the girl we had followed strayed down to the +river's brink, and stood in the midst of this night-picture, lonely and +still, looking at the water. + +There were some boats and barges astrand in the mud, and these enabled +us to come within a few yards of her without being seen. I then signed +to Mr. Peggotty to remain where he was, and emerged from their shade to +speak to her. I did not approach her solitary figure without trembling; +for this gloomy end to her determined walk, and the way in which she +stood, almost within the cavernous shadow of the iron bridge, looking +at the lights crookedly reflected in the strong tide, inspired a dread +within me. + +I think she was talking to herself. I am sure, although absorbed in +gazing at the water, that her shawl was off her shoulders, and that she +was muffling her hands in it, in an unsettled and bewildered way, more +like the action of a sleep-walker than a waking person. I know, and +never can forget, that there was that in her wild manner which gave me +no assurance but that she would sink before my eyes, until I had her arm +within my grasp. + +At the same moment I said 'Martha!' + +She uttered a terrified scream, and struggled with me with such strength +that I doubt if I could have held her alone. But a stronger hand than +mine was laid upon her; and when she raised her frightened eyes and saw +whose it was, she made but one more effort and dropped down between us. +We carried her away from the water to where there were some dry stones, +and there laid her down, crying and moaning. In a little while she sat +among the stones, holding her wretched head with both her hands. + +'Oh, the river!' she cried passionately. 'Oh, the river!' + +'Hush, hush!' said I. 'Calm yourself.' + +But she still repeated the same words, continually exclaiming, 'Oh, the +river!' over and over again. + +'I know it's like me!' she exclaimed. 'I know that I belong to it. +I know that it's the natural company of such as I am! It comes from +country places, where there was once no harm in it--and it creeps +through the dismal streets, defiled and miserable--and it goes away, +like my life, to a great sea, that is always troubled--and I feel that +I must go with it!' I have never known what despair was, except in the +tone of those words. + +'I can't keep away from it. I can't forget it. It haunts me day and +night. It's the only thing in all the world that I am fit for, or that's +fit for me. Oh, the dreadful river!' + +The thought passed through my mind that in the face of my companion, +as he looked upon her without speech or motion, I might have read his +niece's history, if I had known nothing of it. I never saw, in any +painting or reality, horror and compassion so impressively blended. He +shook as if he would have fallen; and his hand--I touched it with my +own, for his appearance alarmed me--was deadly cold. + +'She is in a state of frenzy,' I whispered to him. 'She will speak +differently in a little time.' + +I don't know what he would have said in answer. He made some motion with +his mouth, and seemed to think he had spoken; but he had only pointed to +her with his outstretched hand. + +A new burst of crying came upon her now, in which she once more hid +her face among the stones, and lay before us, a prostrate image of +humiliation and ruin. Knowing that this state must pass, before we could +speak to her with any hope, I ventured to restrain him when he would +have raised her, and we stood by in silence until she became more +tranquil. + +'Martha,' said I then, leaning down, and helping her to rise--she seemed +to want to rise as if with the intention of going away, but she was +weak, and leaned against a boat. 'Do you know who this is, who is with +me?' + +She said faintly, 'Yes.' + +'Do you know that we have followed you a long way tonight?' + +She shook her head. She looked neither at him nor at me, but stood in +a humble attitude, holding her bonnet and shawl in one hand, without +appearing conscious of them, and pressing the other, clenched, against +her forehead. + +'Are you composed enough,' said I, 'to speak on the subject which so +interested you--I hope Heaven may remember it!--that snowy night?' + +Her sobs broke out afresh, and she murmured some inarticulate thanks to +me for not having driven her away from the door. + +'I want to say nothing for myself,' she said, after a few moments. 'I +am bad, I am lost. I have no hope at all. But tell him, sir,' she had +shrunk away from him, 'if you don't feel too hard to me to do it, that +I never was in any way the cause of his misfortune.' 'It has never been +attributed to you,' I returned, earnestly responding to her earnestness. + +'It was you, if I don't deceive myself,' she said, in a broken voice, +'that came into the kitchen, the night she took such pity on me; was so +gentle to me; didn't shrink away from me like all the rest, and gave me +such kind help! Was it you, sir?' + +'It was,' said I. + +'I should have been in the river long ago,' she said, glancing at it +with a terrible expression, 'if any wrong to her had been upon my mind. +I never could have kept out of it a single winter's night, if I had not +been free of any share in that!' + +'The cause of her flight is too well understood,' I said. 'You are +innocent of any part in it, we thoroughly believe,--we know.' + +'Oh, I might have been much the better for her, if I had had a better +heart!' exclaimed the girl, with most forlorn regret; 'for she was +always good to me! She never spoke a word to me but what was pleasant +and right. Is it likely I would try to make her what I am myself, +knowing what I am myself, so well? When I lost everything that makes +life dear, the worst of all my thoughts was that I was parted for ever +from her!' + +Mr. Peggotty, standing with one hand on the gunwale of the boat, and his +eyes cast down, put his disengaged hand before his face. + +'And when I heard what had happened before that snowy night, from some +belonging to our town,' cried Martha, 'the bitterest thought in all my +mind was, that the people would remember she once kept company with me, +and would say I had corrupted her! When, Heaven knows, I would have died +to have brought back her good name!' + +Long unused to any self-control, the piercing agony of her remorse and +grief was terrible. + +'To have died, would not have been much--what can I say?---I would +have lived!' she cried. 'I would have lived to be old, in the wretched +streets--and to wander about, avoided, in the dark--and to see the day +break on the ghastly line of houses, and remember how the same sun used +to shine into my room, and wake me once--I would have done even that, to +save her!' + +Sinking on the stones, she took some in each hand, and clenched them +up, as if she would have ground them. She writhed into some new posture +constantly: stiffening her arms, twisting them before her face, as +though to shut out from her eyes the little light there was, and +drooping her head, as if it were heavy with insupportable recollections. + +'What shall I ever do!' she said, fighting thus with her despair. 'How +can I go on as I am, a solitary curse to myself, a living disgrace to +everyone I come near!' Suddenly she turned to my companion. 'Stamp upon +me, kill me! When she was your pride, you would have thought I had +done her harm if I had brushed against her in the street. You can't +believe--why should you?---a syllable that comes out of my lips. It +would be a burning shame upon you, even now, if she and I exchanged a +word. I don't complain. I don't say she and I are alike--I know there +is a long, long way between us. I only say, with all my guilt and +wretchedness upon my head, that I am grateful to her from my soul, and +love her. Oh, don't think that all the power I had of loving anything is +quite worn out! Throw me away, as all the world does. Kill me for being +what I am, and having ever known her; but don't think that of me!' + +He looked upon her, while she made this supplication, in a wild +distracted manner; and, when she was silent, gently raised her. + +'Martha,' said Mr. Peggotty, 'God forbid as I should judge you. Forbid +as I, of all men, should do that, my girl! You doen't know half the +change that's come, in course of time, upon me, when you think it +likely. Well!' he paused a moment, then went on. 'You doen't understand +how 'tis that this here gentleman and me has wished to speak to you. You +doen't understand what 'tis we has afore us. Listen now!' + +His influence upon her was complete. She stood, shrinkingly, before him, +as if she were afraid to meet his eyes; but her passionate sorrow was +quite hushed and mute. + +'If you heerd,' said Mr. Peggotty, 'owt of what passed between Mas'r +Davy and me, th' night when it snew so hard, you know as I have +been--wheer not--fur to seek my dear niece. My dear niece,' he repeated +steadily. 'Fur she's more dear to me now, Martha, than she was dear +afore.' + +She put her hands before her face; but otherwise remained quiet. + +'I have heerd her tell,' said Mr. Peggotty, 'as you was early left +fatherless and motherless, with no friend fur to take, in a rough +seafaring-way, their place. Maybe you can guess that if you'd had such +a friend, you'd have got into a way of being fond of him in course of +time, and that my niece was kiender daughter-like to me.' + +As she was silently trembling, he put her shawl carefully about her, +taking it up from the ground for that purpose. + +'Whereby,' said he, 'I know, both as she would go to the wureld's +furdest end with me, if she could once see me again; and that she would +fly to the wureld's furdest end to keep off seeing me. For though she +ain't no call to doubt my love, and doen't--and doen't,' he repeated, +with a quiet assurance of the truth of what he said, 'there's shame +steps in, and keeps betwixt us.' + +I read, in every word of his plain impressive way of delivering himself, +new evidence of his having thought of this one topic, in every feature +it presented. + +'According to our reckoning,' he proceeded, 'Mas'r Davy's here, and +mine, she is like, one day, to make her own poor solitary course to +London. We believe--Mas'r Davy, me, and all of us--that you are as +innocent of everything that has befell her, as the unborn child. You've +spoke of her being pleasant, kind, and gentle to you. Bless her, I knew +she was! I knew she always was, to all. You're thankful to her, and you +love her. Help us all you can to find her, and may Heaven reward you!' + +She looked at him hastily, and for the first time, as if she were +doubtful of what he had said. + +'Will you trust me?' she asked, in a low voice of astonishment. + +'Full and free!' said Mr. Peggotty. + +'To speak to her, if I should ever find her; shelter her, if I have any +shelter to divide with her; and then, without her knowledge, come to +you, and bring you to her?' she asked hurriedly. + +We both replied together, 'Yes!' + +She lifted up her eyes, and solemnly declared that she would devote +herself to this task, fervently and faithfully. That she would never +waver in it, never be diverted from it, never relinquish it, while there +was any chance of hope. If she were not true to it, might the object +she now had in life, which bound her to something devoid of evil, in its +passing away from her, leave her more forlorn and more despairing, if +that were possible, than she had been upon the river's brink that night; +and then might all help, human and Divine, renounce her evermore! + +She did not raise her voice above her breath, or address us, but said +this to the night sky; then stood profoundly quiet, looking at the +gloomy water. + +We judged it expedient, now, to tell her all we knew; which I recounted +at length. She listened with great attention, and with a face that often +changed, but had the same purpose in all its varying expressions. Her +eyes occasionally filled with tears, but those she repressed. It seemed +as if her spirit were quite altered, and she could not be too quiet. + +She asked, when all was told, where we were to be communicated with, if +occasion should arise. Under a dull lamp in the road, I wrote our two +addresses on a leaf of my pocket-book, which I tore out and gave to +her, and which she put in her poor bosom. I asked her where she lived +herself. She said, after a pause, in no place long. It were better not +to know. + +Mr. Peggotty suggesting to me, in a whisper, what had already occurred +to myself, I took out my purse; but I could not prevail upon her to +accept any money, nor could I exact any promise from her that she would +do so at another time. I represented to her that Mr. Peggotty could +not be called, for one in his condition, poor; and that the idea of her +engaging in this search, while depending on her own resources, shocked +us both. She continued steadfast. In this particular, his influence +upon her was equally powerless with mine. She gratefully thanked him but +remained inexorable. + +'There may be work to be got,' she said. 'I'll try.' + +'At least take some assistance,' I returned, 'until you have tried.' + +'I could not do what I have promised, for money,' she replied. 'I could +not take it, if I was starving. To give me money would be to take away +your trust, to take away the object that you have given me, to take away +the only certain thing that saves me from the river.' + +'In the name of the great judge,' said I, 'before whom you and all of us +must stand at His dread time, dismiss that terrible idea! We can all do +some good, if we will.' + +She trembled, and her lip shook, and her face was paler, as she +answered: + +'It has been put into your hearts, perhaps, to save a wretched creature +for repentance. I am afraid to think so; it seems too bold. If any good +should come of me, I might begin to hope; for nothing but harm has ever +come of my deeds yet. I am to be trusted, for the first time in a long +while, with my miserable life, on account of what you have given me to +try for. I know no more, and I can say no more.' + +Again she repressed the tears that had begun to flow; and, putting out +her trembling hand, and touching Mr. Peggotty, as if there was some +healing virtue in him, went away along the desolate road. She had been +ill, probably for a long time. I observed, upon that closer opportunity +of observation, that she was worn and haggard, and that her sunken eyes +expressed privation and endurance. + +We followed her at a short distance, our way lying in the same +direction, until we came back into the lighted and populous streets. I +had such implicit confidence in her declaration, that I then put it to +Mr. Peggotty, whether it would not seem, in the onset, like distrusting +her, to follow her any farther. He being of the same mind, and equally +reliant on her, we suffered her to take her own road, and took ours, +which was towards Highgate. He accompanied me a good part of the way; +and when we parted, with a prayer for the success of this fresh effort, +there was a new and thoughtful compassion in him that I was at no loss +to interpret. + +It was midnight when I arrived at home. I had reached my own gate, and +was standing listening for the deep bell of St. Paul's, the sound +of which I thought had been borne towards me among the multitude of +striking clocks, when I was rather surprised to see that the door of my +aunt's cottage was open, and that a faint light in the entry was shining +out across the road. + +Thinking that my aunt might have relapsed into one of her old alarms, +and might be watching the progress of some imaginary conflagration in +the distance, I went to speak to her. It was with very great surprise +that I saw a man standing in her little garden. + +He had a glass and bottle in his hand, and was in the act of drinking. I +stopped short, among the thick foliage outside, for the moon was up now, +though obscured; and I recognized the man whom I had once supposed to be +a delusion of Mr. Dick's, and had once encountered with my aunt in the +streets of the city. + +He was eating as well as drinking, and seemed to eat with a hungry +appetite. He seemed curious regarding the cottage, too, as if it were +the first time he had seen it. After stooping to put the bottle on the +ground, he looked up at the windows, and looked about; though with a +covert and impatient air, as if he was anxious to be gone. + +The light in the passage was obscured for a moment, and my aunt came +out. She was agitated, and told some money into his hand. I heard it +chink. + +'What's the use of this?' he demanded. + +'I can spare no more,' returned my aunt. + +'Then I can't go,' said he. 'Here! You may take it back!' + +'You bad man,' returned my aunt, with great emotion; 'how can you use me +so? But why do I ask? It is because you know how weak I am! What have +I to do, to free myself for ever of your visits, but to abandon you to +your deserts?' + +'And why don't you abandon me to my deserts?' said he. + +'You ask me why!' returned my aunt. 'What a heart you must have!' + +He stood moodily rattling the money, and shaking his head, until at +length he said: + +'Is this all you mean to give me, then?' + +'It is all I CAN give you,' said my aunt. 'You know I have had losses, +and am poorer than I used to be. I have told you so. Having got it, why +do you give me the pain of looking at you for another moment, and seeing +what you have become?' + +'I have become shabby enough, if you mean that,' he said. 'I lead the +life of an owl.' + +'You stripped me of the greater part of all I ever had,' said my aunt. +'You closed my heart against the whole world, years and years. You +treated me falsely, ungratefully, and cruelly. Go, and repent of it. +Don't add new injuries to the long, long list of injuries you have done +me!' + +'Aye!' he returned. 'It's all very fine--Well! I must do the best I can, +for the present, I suppose.' + +In spite of himself, he appeared abashed by my aunt's indignant tears, +and came slouching out of the garden. Taking two or three quick steps, +as if I had just come up, I met him at the gate, and went in as he came +out. We eyed one another narrowly in passing, and with no favour. + +'Aunt,' said I, hurriedly. 'This man alarming you again! Let me speak to +him. Who is he?' + +'Child,' returned my aunt, taking my arm, 'come in, and don't speak to +me for ten minutes.' + +We sat down in her little parlour. My aunt retired behind the round +green fan of former days, which was screwed on the back of a chair, and +occasionally wiped her eyes, for about a quarter of an hour. Then she +came out, and took a seat beside me. + +'Trot,' said my aunt, calmly, 'it's my husband.' + +'Your husband, aunt? I thought he had been dead!' + +'Dead to me,' returned my aunt, 'but living.' + +I sat in silent amazement. + +'Betsey Trotwood don't look a likely subject for the tender passion,' +said my aunt, composedly, 'but the time was, Trot, when she believed in +that man most entirely. When she loved him, Trot, right well. When there +was no proof of attachment and affection that she would not have given +him. He repaid her by breaking her fortune, and nearly breaking her +heart. So she put all that sort of sentiment, once and for ever, in a +grave, and filled it up, and flattened it down.' + +'My dear, good aunt!' + +'I left him,' my aunt proceeded, laying her hand as usual on the back of +mine, 'generously. I may say at this distance of time, Trot, that I left +him generously. He had been so cruel to me, that I might have effected +a separation on easy terms for myself; but I did not. He soon made ducks +and drakes of what I gave him, sank lower and lower, married another +woman, I believe, became an adventurer, a gambler, and a cheat. What he +is now, you see. But he was a fine-looking man when I married him,' said +my aunt, with an echo of her old pride and admiration in her tone; 'and +I believed him--I was a fool!--to be the soul of honour!' + +She gave my hand a squeeze, and shook her head. + +'He is nothing to me now, Trot--less than nothing. But, sooner than have +him punished for his offences (as he would be if he prowled about in +this country), I give him more money than I can afford, at intervals +when he reappears, to go away. I was a fool when I married him; and I am +so far an incurable fool on that subject, that, for the sake of what +I once believed him to be, I wouldn't have even this shadow of my idle +fancy hardly dealt with. For I was in earnest, Trot, if ever a woman +was.' + +My aunt dismissed the matter with a heavy sigh, and smoothed her dress. + +'There, my dear!' she said. 'Now you know the beginning, middle, and +end, and all about it. We won't mention the subject to one another any +more; neither, of course, will you mention it to anybody else. This is +my grumpy, frumpy story, and we'll keep it to ourselves, Trot!' + + + +CHAPTER 48. DOMESTIC + + +I laboured hard at my book, without allowing it to interfere with the +punctual discharge of my newspaper duties; and it came out and was very +successful. I was not stunned by the praise which sounded in my ears, +notwithstanding that I was keenly alive to it, and thought better of +my own performance, I have little doubt, than anybody else did. It has +always been in my observation of human nature, that a man who has any +good reason to believe in himself never flourishes himself before the +faces of other people in order that they may believe in him. For this +reason, I retained my modesty in very self-respect; and the more praise +I got, the more I tried to deserve. + +It is not my purpose, in this record, though in all other essentials +it is my written memory, to pursue the history of my own fictions. They +express themselves, and I leave them to themselves. When I refer to +them, incidentally, it is only as a part of my progress. + +Having some foundation for believing, by this time, that nature and +accident had made me an author, I pursued my vocation with confidence. +Without such assurance I should certainly have left it alone, and +bestowed my energy on some other endeavour. I should have tried to find +out what nature and accident really had made me, and to be that, and +nothing else. I had been writing, in the newspaper and elsewhere, so +prosperously, that when my new success was achieved, I considered myself +reasonably entitled to escape from the dreary debates. One joyful night, +therefore, I noted down the music of the parliamentary bagpipes for the +last time, and I have never heard it since; though I still recognize the +old drone in the newspapers, without any substantial variation (except, +perhaps, that there is more of it), all the livelong session. + +I now write of the time when I had been married, I suppose, about a year +and a half. After several varieties of experiment, we had given up the +housekeeping as a bad job. The house kept itself, and we kept a page. +The principal function of this retainer was to quarrel with the cook; +in which respect he was a perfect Whittington, without his cat, or the +remotest chance of being made Lord Mayor. + +He appears to me to have lived in a hail of saucepan-lids. His whole +existence was a scuffle. He would shriek for help on the most improper +occasions,--as when we had a little dinner-party, or a few friends in +the evening,--and would come tumbling out of the kitchen, with iron +missiles flying after him. We wanted to get rid of him, but he was very +much attached to us, and wouldn't go. He was a tearful boy, and broke +into such deplorable lamentations, when a cessation of our connexion +was hinted at, that we were obliged to keep him. He had no mother--no +anything in the way of a relative, that I could discover, except a +sister, who fled to America the moment we had taken him off her hands; +and he became quartered on us like a horrible young changeling. He had +a lively perception of his own unfortunate state, and was always rubbing +his eyes with the sleeve of his jacket, or stooping to blow his nose on +the extreme corner of a little pocket-handkerchief, which he never would +take completely out of his pocket, but always economized and secreted. + +This unlucky page, engaged in an evil hour at six pounds ten per annum, +was a source of continual trouble to me. I watched him as he grew--and +he grew like scarlet beans--with painful apprehensions of the time when +he would begin to shave; even of the days when he would be bald or grey. +I saw no prospect of ever getting rid of him; and, projecting myself +into the future, used to think what an inconvenience he would be when he +was an old man. + +I never expected anything less, than this unfortunate's manner of +getting me out of my difficulty. He stole Dora's watch, which, like +everything else belonging to us, had no particular place of its own; +and, converting it into money, spent the produce (he was always a +weak-minded boy) in incessantly riding up and down between London and +Uxbridge outside the coach. He was taken to Bow Street, as well as +I remember, on the completion of his fifteenth journey; when +four-and-sixpence, and a second-hand fife which he couldn't play, were +found upon his person. + +The surprise and its consequences would have been much less disagreeable +to me if he had not been penitent. But he was very penitent indeed, and +in a peculiar way--not in the lump, but by instalments. For example: +the day after that on which I was obliged to appear against him, he made +certain revelations touching a hamper in the cellar, which we believed +to be full of wine, but which had nothing in it except bottles and +corks. We supposed he had now eased his mind, and told the worst he knew +of the cook; but, a day or two afterwards, his conscience sustained a +new twinge, and he disclosed how she had a little girl, who, early every +morning, took away our bread; and also how he himself had been suborned +to maintain the milkman in coals. In two or three days more, I was +informed by the authorities of his having led to the discovery of +sirloins of beef among the kitchen-stuff, and sheets in the rag-bag. A +little while afterwards, he broke out in an entirely new direction, and +confessed to a knowledge of burglarious intentions as to our premises, +on the part of the pot-boy, who was immediately taken up. I got to be so +ashamed of being such a victim, that I would have given him any money +to hold his tongue, or would have offered a round bribe for his being +permitted to run away. It was an aggravating circumstance in the case +that he had no idea of this, but conceived that he was making me amends +in every new discovery: not to say, heaping obligations on my head. + +At last I ran away myself, whenever I saw an emissary of the police +approaching with some new intelligence; and lived a stealthy life until +he was tried and ordered to be transported. Even then he couldn't be +quiet, but was always writing us letters; and wanted so much to see Dora +before he went away, that Dora went to visit him, and fainted when she +found herself inside the iron bars. In short, I had no peace of my life +until he was expatriated, and made (as I afterwards heard) a shepherd +of, 'up the country' somewhere; I have no geographical idea where. + +All this led me into some serious reflections, and presented our +mistakes in a new aspect; as I could not help communicating to Dora one +evening, in spite of my tenderness for her. + +'My love,' said I, 'it is very painful to me to think that our want of +system and management, involves not only ourselves (which we have got +used to), but other people.' + +'You have been silent for a long time, and now you are going to be +cross!' said Dora. + +'No, my dear, indeed! Let me explain to you what I mean.' + +'I think I don't want to know,' said Dora. + +'But I want you to know, my love. Put Jip down.' + +Dora put his nose to mine, and said 'Boh!' to drive my seriousness away; +but, not succeeding, ordered him into his Pagoda, and sat looking at +me, with her hands folded, and a most resigned little expression of +countenance. + +'The fact is, my dear,' I began, 'there is contagion in us. We infect +everyone about us.' + +I might have gone on in this figurative manner, if Dora's face had not +admonished me that she was wondering with all her might whether I was +going to propose any new kind of vaccination, or other medical remedy, +for this unwholesome state of ours. Therefore I checked myself, and made +my meaning plainer. + +'It is not merely, my pet,' said I, 'that we lose money and comfort, and +even temper sometimes, by not learning to be more careful; but that we +incur the serious responsibility of spoiling everyone who comes into +our service, or has any dealings with us. I begin to be afraid that the +fault is not entirely on one side, but that these people all turn out +ill because we don't turn out very well ourselves.' + +'Oh, what an accusation,' exclaimed Dora, opening her eyes wide; 'to say +that you ever saw me take gold watches! Oh!' + +'My dearest,' I remonstrated, 'don't talk preposterous nonsense! Who has +made the least allusion to gold watches?' + +'You did,' returned Dora. 'You know you did. You said I hadn't turned +out well, and compared me to him.' + +'To whom?' I asked. + +'To the page,' sobbed Dora. 'Oh, you cruel fellow, to compare your +affectionate wife to a transported page! Why didn't you tell me +your opinion of me before we were married? Why didn't you say, +you hard-hearted thing, that you were convinced I was worse than a +transported page? Oh, what a dreadful opinion to have of me! Oh, my +goodness!' + +'Now, Dora, my love,' I returned, gently trying to remove the +handkerchief she pressed to her eyes, 'this is not only very ridiculous +of you, but very wrong. In the first place, it's not true.' + +'You always said he was a story-teller,' sobbed Dora. 'And now you say +the same of me! Oh, what shall I do! What shall I do!' + +'My darling girl,' I retorted, 'I really must entreat you to be +reasonable, and listen to what I did say, and do say. My dear Dora, +unless we learn to do our duty to those whom we employ, they will never +learn to do their duty to us. I am afraid we present opportunities to +people to do wrong, that never ought to be presented. Even if we were +as lax as we are, in all our arrangements, by choice--which we are +not--even if we liked it, and found it agreeable to be so--which we +don't--I am persuaded we should have no right to go on in this way. We +are positively corrupting people. We are bound to think of that. I can't +help thinking of it, Dora. It is a reflection I am unable to dismiss, +and it sometimes makes me very uneasy. There, dear, that's all. Come +now. Don't be foolish!' + +Dora would not allow me, for a long time, to remove the handkerchief. +She sat sobbing and murmuring behind it, that, if I was uneasy, why had +I ever been married? Why hadn't I said, even the day before we went to +church, that I knew I should be uneasy, and I would rather not? If I +couldn't bear her, why didn't I send her away to her aunts at Putney, or +to Julia Mills in India? Julia would be glad to see her, and would not +call her a transported page; Julia never had called her anything of the +sort. In short, Dora was so afflicted, and so afflicted me by being +in that condition, that I felt it was of no use repeating this kind of +effort, though never so mildly, and I must take some other course. + +What other course was left to take? To 'form her mind'? This was a +common phrase of words which had a fair and promising sound, and I +resolved to form Dora's mind. + +I began immediately. When Dora was very childish, and I would +have infinitely preferred to humour her, I tried to be grave--and +disconcerted her, and myself too. I talked to her on the subjects which +occupied my thoughts; and I read Shakespeare to her--and fatigued her +to the last degree. I accustomed myself to giving her, as it were quite +casually, little scraps of useful information, or sound opinion--and she +started from them when I let them off, as if they had been crackers. +No matter how incidentally or naturally I endeavoured to form my little +wife's mind, I could not help seeing that she always had an instinctive +perception of what I was about, and became a prey to the keenest +apprehensions. In particular, it was clear to me, that she thought +Shakespeare a terrible fellow. The formation went on very slowly. + +I pressed Traddles into the service without his knowledge; and whenever +he came to see us, exploded my mines upon him for the edification of +Dora at second hand. The amount of practical wisdom I bestowed upon +Traddles in this manner was immense, and of the best quality; but it +had no other effect upon Dora than to depress her spirits, and make her +always nervous with the dread that it would be her turn next. I found +myself in the condition of a schoolmaster, a trap, a pitfall; of always +playing spider to Dora's fly, and always pouncing out of my hole to her +infinite disturbance. + +Still, looking forward through this intermediate stage, to the time +when there should be a perfect sympathy between Dora and me, and when I +should have 'formed her mind' to my entire satisfaction, I persevered, +even for months. Finding at last, however, that, although I had been +all this time a very porcupine or hedgehog, bristling all over with +determination, I had effected nothing, it began to occur to me that +perhaps Dora's mind was already formed. + +On further consideration this appeared so likely, that I abandoned +my scheme, which had had a more promising appearance in words than in +action; resolving henceforth to be satisfied with my child-wife, and to +try to change her into nothing else by any process. I was heartily tired +of being sagacious and prudent by myself, and of seeing my darling under +restraint; so I bought a pretty pair of ear-rings for her, and a collar +for Jip, and went home one day to make myself agreeable. + +Dora was delighted with the little presents, and kissed me joyfully; but +there was a shadow between us, however slight, and I had made up my mind +that it should not be there. If there must be such a shadow anywhere, I +would keep it for the future in my own breast. + +I sat down by my wife on the sofa, and put the ear-rings in her ears; +and then I told her that I feared we had not been quite as good company +lately, as we used to be, and that the fault was mine. Which I sincerely +felt, and which indeed it was. + +'The truth is, Dora, my life,' I said; 'I have been trying to be wise.' + +'And to make me wise too,' said Dora, timidly. 'Haven't you, Doady?' + +I nodded assent to the pretty inquiry of the raised eyebrows, and kissed +the parted lips. + +'It's of not a bit of use,' said Dora, shaking her head, until the +ear-rings rang again. 'You know what a little thing I am, and what I +wanted you to call me from the first. If you can't do so, I am afraid +you'll never like me. Are you sure you don't think, sometimes, it would +have been better to have--' + +'Done what, my dear?' For she made no effort to proceed. + +'Nothing!' said Dora. + +'Nothing?' I repeated. + +She put her arms round my neck, and laughed, and called herself by her +favourite name of a goose, and hid her face on my shoulder in such a +profusion of curls that it was quite a task to clear them away and see +it. + +'Don't I think it would have been better to have done nothing, than to +have tried to form my little wife's mind?' said I, laughing at myself. +'Is that the question? Yes, indeed, I do.' + +'Is that what you have been trying?' cried Dora. 'Oh what a shocking +boy!' + +'But I shall never try any more,' said I. 'For I love her dearly as she +is.' + +'Without a story--really?' inquired Dora, creeping closer to me. + +'Why should I seek to change,' said I, 'what has been so precious to me +for so long! You never can show better than as your own natural self, my +sweet Dora; and we'll try no conceited experiments, but go back to our +old way, and be happy.' + +'And be happy!' returned Dora. 'Yes! All day! And you won't mind things +going a tiny morsel wrong, sometimes?' + +'No, no,' said I. 'We must do the best we can.' + +'And you won't tell me, any more, that we make other people bad,' coaxed +Dora; 'will you? Because you know it's so dreadfully cross!' + +'No, no,' said I. + +'It's better for me to be stupid than uncomfortable, isn't it?' said +Dora. + +'Better to be naturally Dora than anything else in the world.' + +'In the world! Ah, Doady, it's a large place!' + +She shook her head, turned her delighted bright eyes up to mine, kissed +me, broke into a merry laugh, and sprang away to put on Jip's new +collar. + +So ended my last attempt to make any change in Dora. I had been unhappy +in trying it; I could not endure my own solitary wisdom; I could not +reconcile it with her former appeal to me as my child-wife. I resolved +to do what I could, in a quiet way, to improve our proceedings myself, +but I foresaw that my utmost would be very little, or I must degenerate +into the spider again, and be for ever lying in wait. + +And the shadow I have mentioned, that was not to be between us any more, +but was to rest wholly on my own heart? How did that fall? + +The old unhappy feeling pervaded my life. It was deepened, if it were +changed at all; but it was as undefined as ever, and addressed me like +a strain of sorrowful music faintly heard in the night. I loved my wife +dearly, and I was happy; but the happiness I had vaguely anticipated, +once, was not the happiness I enjoyed, and there was always something +wanting. + +In fulfilment of the compact I have made with myself, to reflect my mind +on this paper, I again examine it, closely, and bring its secrets to the +light. What I missed, I still regarded--I always regarded--as something +that had been a dream of my youthful fancy; that was incapable of +realization; that I was now discovering to be so, with some natural +pain, as all men did. But that it would have been better for me if my +wife could have helped me more, and shared the many thoughts in which I +had no partner; and that this might have been; I knew. + +Between these two irreconcilable conclusions: the one, that what I felt +was general and unavoidable; the other, that it was particular to me, +and might have been different: I balanced curiously, with no distinct +sense of their opposition to each other. When I thought of the airy +dreams of youth that are incapable of realization, I thought of the +better state preceding manhood that I had outgrown; and then the +contented days with Agnes, in the dear old house, arose before me, like +spectres of the dead, that might have some renewal in another world, but +never more could be reanimated here. + +Sometimes, the speculation came into my thoughts, What might have +happened, or what would have happened, if Dora and I had never known +each other? But she was so incorporated with my existence, that it +was the idlest of all fancies, and would soon rise out of my reach and +sight, like gossamer floating in the air. + +I always loved her. What I am describing, slumbered, and half awoke, and +slept again, in the innermost recesses of my mind. There was no evidence +of it in me; I know of no influence it had in anything I said or did. I +bore the weight of all our little cares, and all my projects; Dora held +the pens; and we both felt that our shares were adjusted as the case +required. She was truly fond of me, and proud of me; and when Agnes +wrote a few earnest words in her letters to Dora, of the pride and +interest with which my old friends heard of my growing reputation, and +read my book as if they heard me speaking its contents, Dora read them +out to me with tears of joy in her bright eyes, and said I was a dear +old clever, famous boy. + +'The first mistaken impulse of an undisciplined heart.' Those words of +Mrs. Strong's were constantly recurring to me, at this time; were almost +always present to my mind. I awoke with them, often, in the night; I +remember to have even read them, in dreams, inscribed upon the walls +of houses. For I knew, now, that my own heart was undisciplined when it +first loved Dora; and that if it had been disciplined, it never +could have felt, when we were married, what it had felt in its secret +experience. + +'There can be no disparity in marriage, like unsuitability of mind and +purpose.' Those words I remembered too. I had endeavoured to adapt +Dora to myself, and found it impracticable. It remained for me to adapt +myself to Dora; to share with her what I could, and be happy; to bear +on my own shoulders what I must, and be happy still. This was the +discipline to which I tried to bring my heart, when I began to think. +It made my second year much happier than my first; and, what was better +still, made Dora's life all sunshine. + +But, as that year wore on, Dora was not strong. I had hoped that lighter +hands than mine would help to mould her character, and that a baby-smile +upon her breast might change my child-wife to a woman. It was not to be. +The spirit fluttered for a moment on the threshold of its little prison, +and, unconscious of captivity, took wing. + +'When I can run about again, as I used to do, aunt,' said Dora, 'I shall +make Jip race. He is getting quite slow and lazy.' + +'I suspect, my dear,' said my aunt quietly working by her side, 'he has +a worse disorder than that. Age, Dora.' + +'Do you think he is old?' said Dora, astonished. 'Oh, how strange it +seems that Jip should be old!' + +'It's a complaint we are all liable to, Little One, as we get on in +life,' said my aunt, cheerfully; 'I don't feel more free from it than I +used to be, I assure you.' + +'But Jip,' said Dora, looking at him with compassion, 'even little Jip! +Oh, poor fellow!' + +'I dare say he'll last a long time yet, Blossom,' said my aunt, patting +Dora on the cheek, as she leaned out of her couch to look at Jip, who +responded by standing on his hind legs, and baulking himself in various +asthmatic attempts to scramble up by the head and shoulders. 'He must +have a piece of flannel in his house this winter, and I shouldn't wonder +if he came out quite fresh again, with the flowers in the spring. Bless +the little dog!' exclaimed my aunt, 'if he had as many lives as a cat, +and was on the point of losing 'em all, he'd bark at me with his last +breath, I believe!' + +Dora had helped him up on the sofa; where he really was defying my aunt +to such a furious extent, that he couldn't keep straight, but barked +himself sideways. The more my aunt looked at him, the more he reproached +her; for she had lately taken to spectacles, and for some inscrutable +reason he considered the glasses personal. + +Dora made him lie down by her, with a good deal of persuasion; and when +he was quiet, drew one of his long ears through and through her hand, +repeating thoughtfully, 'Even little Jip! Oh, poor fellow!' + +'His lungs are good enough,' said my aunt, gaily, 'and his dislikes are +not at all feeble. He has a good many years before him, no doubt. But if +you want a dog to race with, Little Blossom, he has lived too well for +that, and I'll give you one.' + +'Thank you, aunt,' said Dora, faintly. 'But don't, please!' + +'No?' said my aunt, taking off her spectacles. + +'I couldn't have any other dog but Jip,' said Dora. 'It would be so +unkind to Jip! Besides, I couldn't be such friends with any other dog +but Jip; because he wouldn't have known me before I was married, +and wouldn't have barked at Doady when he first came to our house. I +couldn't care for any other dog but Jip, I am afraid, aunt.' + +'To be sure!' said my aunt, patting her cheek again. 'You are right.' + +'You are not offended,' said Dora. 'Are you?' + +'Why, what a sensitive pet it is!' cried my aunt, bending over her +affectionately. 'To think that I could be offended!' + +'No, no, I didn't really think so,' returned Dora; 'but I am a little +tired, and it made me silly for a moment--I am always a silly little +thing, you know, but it made me more silly--to talk about Jip. He +has known me in all that has happened to me, haven't you, Jip? And I +couldn't bear to slight him, because he was a little altered--could I, +Jip?' + +Jip nestled closer to his mistress, and lazily licked her hand. + +'You are not so old, Jip, are you, that you'll leave your mistress yet?' +said Dora. 'We may keep one another company a little longer!' + +My pretty Dora! When she came down to dinner on the ensuing Sunday, and +was so glad to see old Traddles (who always dined with us on Sunday), we +thought she would be 'running about as she used to do', in a few days. +But they said, wait a few days more; and then, wait a few days more; and +still she neither ran nor walked. She looked very pretty, and was very +merry; but the little feet that used to be so nimble when they danced +round Jip, were dull and motionless. + +I began to carry her downstairs every morning, and upstairs every night. +She would clasp me round the neck and laugh, the while, as if I did it +for a wager. Jip would bark and caper round us, and go on before, and +look back on the landing, breathing short, to see that we were coming. +My aunt, the best and most cheerful of nurses, would trudge after us, a +moving mass of shawls and pillows. Mr. Dick would not have relinquished +his post of candle-bearer to anyone alive. Traddles would be often at +the bottom of the staircase, looking on, and taking charge of sportive +messages from Dora to the dearest girl in the world. We made quite a gay +procession of it, and my child-wife was the gayest there. + +But, sometimes, when I took her up, and felt that she was lighter in +my arms, a dead blank feeling came upon me, as if I were approaching +to some frozen region yet unseen, that numbed my life. I avoided the +recognition of this feeling by any name, or by any communing with +myself; until one night, when it was very strong upon me, and my aunt +had left her with a parting cry of 'Good night, Little Blossom,' I sat +down at my desk alone, and tried to think, Oh what a fatal name it was, +and how the blossom withered in its bloom upon the tree! + + +CHAPTER 49. I AM INVOLVED IN MYSTERY + + +I received one morning by the post, the following letter, dated +Canterbury, and addressed to me at Doctor's Commons; which I read with +some surprise: + + +'MY DEAR SIR, + +'Circumstances beyond my individual control have, for a considerable +lapse of time, effected a severance of that intimacy which, in the +limited opportunities conceded to me in the midst of my professional +duties, of contemplating the scenes and events of the past, tinged by +the prismatic hues of memory, has ever afforded me, as it ever must +continue to afford, gratifying emotions of no common description. This +fact, my dear sir, combined with the distinguished elevation to which +your talents have raised you, deters me from presuming to aspire to +the liberty of addressing the companion of my youth, by the familiar +appellation of Copperfield! It is sufficient to know that the name to +which I do myself the honour to refer, will ever be treasured among +the muniments of our house (I allude to the archives connected with our +former lodgers, preserved by Mrs. Micawber), with sentiments of personal +esteem amounting to affection. + +'It is not for one, situated, through his original errors and a +fortuitous combination of unpropitious events, as is the foundered Bark +(if he may be allowed to assume so maritime a denomination), who +now takes up the pen to address you--it is not, I repeat, for one +so circumstanced, to adopt the language of compliment, or of +congratulation. That he leaves to abler and to purer hands. + +'If your more important avocations should admit of your ever tracing +these imperfect characters thus far--which may be, or may not be, as +circumstances arise--you will naturally inquire by what object am I +influenced, then, in inditing the present missive? Allow me to say that +I fully defer to the reasonable character of that inquiry, and proceed +to develop it; premising that it is not an object of a pecuniary nature. + +'Without more directly referring to any latent ability that may +possibly exist on my part, of wielding the thunderbolt, or directing +the devouring and avenging flame in any quarter, I may be permitted +to observe, in passing, that my brightest visions are for ever +dispelled--that my peace is shattered and my power of enjoyment +destroyed--that my heart is no longer in the right place--and that I no +more walk erect before my fellow man. The canker is in the flower. +The cup is bitter to the brim. The worm is at his work, and will soon +dispose of his victim. The sooner the better. But I will not digress. +'Placed in a mental position of peculiar painfulness, beyond the +assuaging reach even of Mrs. Micawber's influence, though exercised in +the tripartite character of woman, wife, and mother, it is my intention +to fly from myself for a short period, and devote a respite of +eight-and-forty hours to revisiting some metropolitan scenes of past +enjoyment. Among other havens of domestic tranquillity and peace of +mind, my feet will naturally tend towards the King's Bench Prison. In +stating that I shall be (D. V.) on the outside of the south wall of +that place of incarceration on civil process, the day after tomorrow, +at seven in the evening, precisely, my object in this epistolary +communication is accomplished. + +'I do not feel warranted in soliciting my former friend Mr. Copperfield, +or my former friend Mr. Thomas Traddles of the Inner Temple, if that +gentleman is still existent and forthcoming, to condescend to meet me, +and renew (so far as may be) our past relations of the olden time. I +confine myself to throwing out the observation, that, at the hour and +place I have indicated, may be found such ruined vestiges as yet + + 'Remain, + 'Of + 'A + 'Fallen Tower, + 'WILKINS MICAWBER. + +'P.S. It may be advisable to superadd to the above, the statement that +Mrs. Micawber is not in confidential possession of my intentions.' + + +I read the letter over several times. Making due allowance for Mr. +Micawber's lofty style of composition, and for the extraordinary relish +with which he sat down and wrote long letters on all possible and +impossible occasions, I still believed that something important lay +hidden at the bottom of this roundabout communication. I put it down, +to think about it; and took it up again, to read it once more; and +was still pursuing it, when Traddles found me in the height of my +perplexity. + +'My dear fellow,' said I, 'I never was better pleased to see you. You +come to give me the benefit of your sober judgement at a most opportune +time. I have received a very singular letter, Traddles, from Mr. +Micawber.' + +'No?' cried Traddles. 'You don't say so? And I have received one from +Mrs. Micawber!' + +With that, Traddles, who was flushed with walking, and whose hair, under +the combined effects of exercise and excitement, stood on end as if he +saw a cheerful ghost, produced his letter and made an exchange with me. +I watched him into the heart of Mr. Micawber's letter, and returned the +elevation of eyebrows with which he said "'Wielding the thunderbolt, +or directing the devouring and avenging flame!" Bless me, +Copperfield!'--and then entered on the perusal of Mrs. Micawber's +epistle. + +It ran thus: + + +'My best regards to Mr. Thomas Traddles, and if he should still remember +one who formerly had the happiness of being well acquainted with him, +may I beg a few moments of his leisure time? I assure Mr. T. T. that I +would not intrude upon his kindness, were I in any other position than +on the confines of distraction. + +'Though harrowing to myself to mention, the alienation of Mr. Micawber +(formerly so domesticated) from his wife and family, is the cause of my +addressing my unhappy appeal to Mr. Traddles, and soliciting his best +indulgence. Mr. T. can form no adequate idea of the change in Mr. +Micawber's conduct, of his wildness, of his violence. It has gradually +augmented, until it assumes the appearance of aberration of intellect. +Scarcely a day passes, I assure Mr. Traddles, on which some paroxysm +does not take place. Mr. T. will not require me to depict my feelings, +when I inform him that I have become accustomed to hear Mr. Micawber +assert that he has sold himself to the D. Mystery and secrecy have +long been his principal characteristic, have long replaced unlimited +confidence. The slightest provocation, even being asked if there is +anything he would prefer for dinner, causes him to express a wish for a +separation. Last night, on being childishly solicited for twopence, to +buy 'lemon-stunners'--a local sweetmeat--he presented an oyster-knife at +the twins! + +'I entreat Mr. Traddles to bear with me in entering into these details. +Without them, Mr. T. would indeed find it difficult to form the faintest +conception of my heart-rending situation. + +'May I now venture to confide to Mr. T. the purport of my letter? Will +he now allow me to throw myself on his friendly consideration? Oh yes, +for I know his heart! + +'The quick eye of affection is not easily blinded, when of the female +sex. Mr. Micawber is going to London. Though he studiously concealed his +hand, this morning before breakfast, in writing the direction-card which +he attached to the little brown valise of happier days, the eagle-glance +of matrimonial anxiety detected, d, o, n, distinctly traced. The +West-End destination of the coach, is the Golden Cross. Dare I fervently +implore Mr. T. to see my misguided husband, and to reason with him? +Dare I ask Mr. T. to endeavour to step in between Mr. Micawber and his +agonized family? Oh no, for that would be too much! + +'If Mr. Copperfield should yet remember one unknown to fame, will Mr. +T. take charge of my unalterable regards and similar entreaties? In +any case, he will have the benevolence to consider this communication +strictly private, and on no account whatever to be alluded to, however +distantly, in the presence of Mr. Micawber. If Mr. T. should ever +reply to it (which I cannot but feel to be most improbable), a letter +addressed to M. E., Post Office, Canterbury, will be fraught with +less painful consequences than any addressed immediately to one, who +subscribes herself, in extreme distress, + +'Mr. Thomas Traddles's respectful friend and suppliant, + + 'EMMA MICAWBER.' + + +'What do you think of that letter?' said Traddles, casting his eyes upon +me, when I had read it twice. + +'What do you think of the other?' said I. For he was still reading it +with knitted brows. + +'I think that the two together, Copperfield,' replied Traddles, +'mean more than Mr. and Mrs. Micawber usually mean in their +correspondence--but I don't know what. They are both written in good +faith, I have no doubt, and without any collusion. Poor thing!' he was +now alluding to Mrs. Micawber's letter, and we were standing side by +side comparing the two; 'it will be a charity to write to her, at all +events, and tell her that we will not fail to see Mr. Micawber.' + +I acceded to this the more readily, because I now reproached myself with +having treated her former letter rather lightly. It had set me thinking +a good deal at the time, as I have mentioned in its place; but my +absorption in my own affairs, my experience of the family, and my +hearing nothing more, had gradually ended in my dismissing the subject. +I had often thought of the Micawbers, but chiefly to wonder what +'pecuniary liabilities' they were establishing in Canterbury, and to +recall how shy Mr. Micawber was of me when he became clerk to Uriah +Heep. + +However, I now wrote a comforting letter to Mrs. Micawber, in our +joint names, and we both signed it. As we walked into town to post it, +Traddles and I held a long conference, and launched into a number of +speculations, which I need not repeat. We took my aunt into our counsels +in the afternoon; but our only decided conclusion was, that we would be +very punctual in keeping Mr. Micawber's appointment. + +Although we appeared at the stipulated place a quarter of an hour before +the time, we found Mr. Micawber already there. He was standing with his +arms folded, over against the wall, looking at the spikes on the top, +with a sentimental expression, as if they were the interlacing boughs of +trees that had shaded him in his youth. + +When we accosted him, his manner was something more confused, and +something less genteel, than of yore. He had relinquished his legal suit +of black for the purposes of this excursion, and wore the old surtout +and tights, but not quite with the old air. He gradually picked up more +and more of it as we conversed with him; but, his very eye-glass seemed +to hang less easily, and his shirt-collar, though still of the old +formidable dimensions, rather drooped. + +'Gentlemen!' said Mr. Micawber, after the first salutations, 'you are +friends in need, and friends indeed. Allow me to offer my inquiries with +reference to the physical welfare of Mrs. Copperfield in esse, and +Mrs. Traddles in posse,--presuming, that is to say, that my friend Mr. +Traddles is not yet united to the object of his affections, for weal and +for woe.' + +We acknowledged his politeness, and made suitable replies. He then +directed our attention to the wall, and was beginning, 'I assure you, +gentlemen,' when I ventured to object to that ceremonious form of +address, and to beg that he would speak to us in the old way. + +'My dear Copperfield,' he returned, pressing my hand, 'your cordiality +overpowers me. This reception of a shattered fragment of the Temple once +called Man--if I may be permitted so to express myself--bespeaks a heart +that is an honour to our common nature. I was about to observe that +I again behold the serene spot where some of the happiest hours of my +existence fleeted by.' + +'Made so, I am sure, by Mrs. Micawber,' said I. 'I hope she is well?' + +'Thank you,' returned Mr. Micawber, whose face clouded at this +reference, 'she is but so-so. And this,' said Mr. Micawber, nodding +his head sorrowfully, 'is the Bench! Where, for the first time in many +revolving years, the overwhelming pressure of pecuniary liabilities was +not proclaimed, from day to day, by importune voices declining to vacate +the passage; where there was no knocker on the door for any creditor +to appeal to; where personal service of process was not required, and +detainees were merely lodged at the gate! Gentlemen,' said Mr. Micawber, +'when the shadow of that iron-work on the summit of the brick structure +has been reflected on the gravel of the Parade, I have seen my children +thread the mazes of the intricate pattern, avoiding the dark marks. I +have been familiar with every stone in the place. If I betray weakness, +you will know how to excuse me.' + +'We have all got on in life since then, Mr. Micawber,' said I. + +'Mr. Copperfield,' returned Mr. Micawber, bitterly, 'when I was an +inmate of that retreat I could look my fellow-man in the face, and punch +his head if he offended me. My fellow-man and myself are no longer on +those glorious terms!' + +Turning from the building in a downcast manner, Mr. Micawber accepted +my proffered arm on one side, and the proffered arm of Traddles on the +other, and walked away between us. + +'There are some landmarks,' observed Mr. Micawber, looking fondly back +over his shoulder, 'on the road to the tomb, which, but for the impiety +of the aspiration, a man would wish never to have passed. Such is the +Bench in my chequered career.' + +'Oh, you are in low spirits, Mr. Micawber,' said Traddles. + +'I am, sir,' interposed Mr. Micawber. + +'I hope,' said Traddles, 'it is not because you have conceived a dislike +to the law--for I am a lawyer myself, you know.' + +Mr. Micawber answered not a word. + +'How is our friend Heep, Mr. Micawber?' said I, after a silence. + +'My dear Copperfield,' returned Mr. Micawber, bursting into a state of +much excitement, and turning pale, 'if you ask after my employer as +YOUR friend, I am sorry for it; if you ask after him as MY friend, +I sardonically smile at it. In whatever capacity you ask after my +employer, I beg, without offence to you, to limit my reply to this--that +whatever his state of health may be, his appearance is foxy: not to +say diabolical. You will allow me, as a private individual, to +decline pursuing a subject which has lashed me to the utmost verge of +desperation in my professional capacity.' + +I expressed my regret for having innocently touched upon a theme +that roused him so much. 'May I ask,' said I, 'without any hazard of +repeating the mistake, how my old friends Mr. and Miss Wickfield are?' + +'Miss Wickfield,' said Mr. Micawber, now turning red, 'is, as she always +is, a pattern, and a bright example. My dear Copperfield, she is the +only starry spot in a miserable existence. My respect for that young +lady, my admiration of her character, my devotion to her for her love +and truth, and goodness!--Take me,' said Mr. Micawber, 'down a turning, +for, upon my soul, in my present state of mind I am not equal to this!' + +We wheeled him off into a narrow street, where he took out his +pocket-handkerchief, and stood with his back to a wall. If I looked as +gravely at him as Traddles did, he must have found our company by no +means inspiriting. + +'It is my fate,' said Mr. Micawber, unfeignedly sobbing, but doing even +that, with a shadow of the old expression of doing something genteel; +'it is my fate, gentlemen, that the finer feelings of our nature have +become reproaches to me. My homage to Miss Wickfield, is a flight of +arrows in my bosom. You had better leave me, if you please, to walk the +earth as a vagabond. The worm will settle my business in double-quick +time.' + +Without attending to this invocation, we stood by, until he put up his +pocket-handkerchief, pulled up his shirt-collar, and, to delude any +person in the neighbourhood who might have been observing him, hummed a +tune with his hat very much on one side. I then mentioned--not knowing +what might be lost if we lost sight of him yet--that it would give me +great pleasure to introduce him to my aunt, if he would ride out to +Highgate, where a bed was at his service. + +'You shall make us a glass of your own punch, Mr. Micawber,' said +I, 'and forget whatever you have on your mind, in pleasanter +reminiscences.' + +'Or, if confiding anything to friends will be more likely to relieve +you, you shall impart it to us, Mr. Micawber,' said Traddles, prudently. + +'Gentlemen,' returned Mr. Micawber, 'do with me as you will! I am a +straw upon the surface of the deep, and am tossed in all directions by +the elephants--I beg your pardon; I should have said the elements.' + +We walked on, arm-in-arm, again; found the coach in the act of starting; +and arrived at Highgate without encountering any difficulties by the +way. I was very uneasy and very uncertain in my mind what to say or do +for the best--so was Traddles, evidently. Mr. Micawber was for the most +part plunged into deep gloom. He occasionally made an attempt to smarten +himself, and hum the fag-end of a tune; but his relapses into profound +melancholy were only made the more impressive by the mockery of a hat +exceedingly on one side, and a shirt-collar pulled up to his eyes. + +We went to my aunt's house rather than to mine, because of Dora's not +being well. My aunt presented herself on being sent for, and welcomed +Mr. Micawber with gracious cordiality. Mr. Micawber kissed her hand, +retired to the window, and pulling out his pocket-handkerchief, had a +mental wrestle with himself. + +Mr. Dick was at home. He was by nature so exceedingly compassionate of +anyone who seemed to be ill at ease, and was so quick to find any such +person out, that he shook hands with Mr. Micawber, at least half-a-dozen +times in five minutes. To Mr. Micawber, in his trouble, this warmth, on +the part of a stranger, was so extremely touching, that he could +only say, on the occasion of each successive shake, 'My dear sir, you +overpower me!' Which gratified Mr. Dick so much, that he went at it +again with greater vigour than before. + +'The friendliness of this gentleman,' said Mr. Micawber to my aunt, 'if +you will allow me, ma'am, to cull a figure of speech from the vocabulary +of our coarser national sports--floors me. To a man who is struggling +with a complicated burden of perplexity and disquiet, such a reception +is trying, I assure you.' + +'My friend Mr. Dick,' replied my aunt proudly, 'is not a common man.' + +'That I am convinced of,' said Mr. Micawber. 'My dear sir!' for Mr. +Dick was shaking hands with him again; 'I am deeply sensible of your +cordiality!' + +'How do you find yourself?' said Mr. Dick, with an anxious look. + +'Indifferent, my dear sir,' returned Mr. Micawber, sighing. + +'You must keep up your spirits,' said Mr. Dick, 'and make yourself as +comfortable as possible.' + +Mr. Micawber was quite overcome by these friendly words, and by finding +Mr. Dick's hand again within his own. 'It has been my lot,' he observed, +'to meet, in the diversified panorama of human existence, with an +occasional oasis, but never with one so green, so gushing, as the +present!' + +At another time I should have been amused by this; but I felt that +we were all constrained and uneasy, and I watched Mr. Micawber so +anxiously, in his vacillations between an evident disposition to reveal +something, and a counter-disposition to reveal nothing, that I was in a +perfect fever. Traddles, sitting on the edge of his chair, with his eyes +wide open, and his hair more emphatically erect than ever, stared by +turns at the ground and at Mr. Micawber, without so much as attempting +to put in a word. My aunt, though I saw that her shrewdest observation +was concentrated on her new guest, had more useful possession of her +wits than either of us; for she held him in conversation, and made it +necessary for him to talk, whether he liked it or not. + +'You are a very old friend of my nephew's, Mr. Micawber,' said my aunt. +'I wish I had had the pleasure of seeing you before.' + +'Madam,' returned Mr. Micawber, 'I wish I had had the honour of knowing +you at an earlier period. I was not always the wreck you at present +behold.' + +'I hope Mrs. Micawber and your family are well, sir,' said my aunt. + +Mr. Micawber inclined his head. 'They are as well, ma'am,' he +desperately observed after a pause, 'as Aliens and Outcasts can ever +hope to be.' + +'Lord bless you, sir!' exclaimed my aunt, in her abrupt way. 'What are +you talking about?' + +'The subsistence of my family, ma'am,' returned Mr. Micawber, 'trembles +in the balance. My employer--' + +Here Mr. Micawber provokingly left off; and began to peel the lemons +that had been under my directions set before him, together with all the +other appliances he used in making punch. + +'Your employer, you know,' said Mr. Dick, jogging his arm as a gentle +reminder. + +'My good sir,' returned Mr. Micawber, 'you recall me, I am obliged to +you.' They shook hands again. 'My employer, ma'am--Mr. Heep--once did +me the favour to observe to me, that if I were not in the receipt of the +stipendiary emoluments appertaining to my engagement with him, I should +probably be a mountebank about the country, swallowing a sword-blade, +and eating the devouring element. For anything that I can perceive to +the contrary, it is still probable that my children may be reduced to +seek a livelihood by personal contortion, while Mrs. Micawber abets +their unnatural feats by playing the barrel-organ.' + +Mr. Micawber, with a random but expressive flourish of his knife, +signified that these performances might be expected to take place after +he was no more; then resumed his peeling with a desperate air. + +My aunt leaned her elbow on the little round table that she usually kept +beside her, and eyed him attentively. Notwithstanding the aversion with +which I regarded the idea of entrapping him into any disclosure he was +not prepared to make voluntarily, I should have taken him up at this +point, but for the strange proceedings in which I saw him engaged; +whereof his putting the lemon-peel into the kettle, the sugar into the +snuffer-tray, the spirit into the empty jug, and confidently attempting +to pour boiling water out of a candlestick, were among the most +remarkable. I saw that a crisis was at hand, and it came. He clattered +all his means and implements together, rose from his chair, pulled out +his pocket-handkerchief, and burst into tears. + +'My dear Copperfield,' said Mr. Micawber, behind his handkerchief, +'this is an occupation, of all others, requiring an untroubled mind, and +self-respect. I cannot perform it. It is out of the question.' + +'Mr. Micawber,' said I, 'what is the matter? Pray speak out. You are +among friends.' + +'Among friends, sir!' repeated Mr. Micawber; and all he had reserved +came breaking out of him. 'Good heavens, it is principally because I AM +among friends that my state of mind is what it is. What is the matter, +gentlemen? What is NOT the matter? Villainy is the matter; baseness is +the matter; deception, fraud, conspiracy, are the matter; and the name +of the whole atrocious mass is--HEEP!' + +My aunt clapped her hands, and we all started up as if we were +possessed. + +'The struggle is over!' said Mr. Micawber violently gesticulating with +his pocket-handkerchief, and fairly striking out from time to time with +both arms, as if he were swimming under superhuman difficulties. 'I will +lead this life no longer. I am a wretched being, cut off from everything +that makes life tolerable. I have been under a Taboo in that infernal +scoundrel's service. Give me back my wife, give me back my family, +substitute Micawber for the petty wretch who walks about in the boots +at present on my feet, and call upon me to swallow a sword tomorrow, and +I'll do it. With an appetite!' + +I never saw a man so hot in my life. I tried to calm him, that we might +come to something rational; but he got hotter and hotter, and wouldn't +hear a word. + +'I'll put my hand in no man's hand,' said Mr. Micawber, gasping, +puffing, and sobbing, to that degree that he was like a man +fighting with cold water, 'until I have--blown to +fragments--the--a--detestable--serpent--HEEP! I'll partake of no +one's hospitality, until I have--a--moved Mount Vesuvius--to +eruption--on--a--the abandoned rascal--HEEP! Refreshment--a--underneath +this roof--particularly punch--would--a--choke me--unless--I +had--previously--choked the eyes--out of the head--a--of--interminable +cheat, and liar--HEEP! I--a--I'll know nobody--and--a--say +nothing--and--a--live nowhere--until I have +crushed--to--a--undiscoverable atoms--the--transcendent and immortal +hypocrite and perjurer--HEEP!' + +I really had some fear of Mr. Micawber's dying on the spot. The manner +in which he struggled through these inarticulate sentences, and, +whenever he found himself getting near the name of Heep, fought his way +on to it, dashed at it in a fainting state, and brought it out with a +vehemence little less than marvellous, was frightful; but now, when +he sank into a chair, steaming, and looked at us, with every possible +colour in his face that had no business there, and an endless procession +of lumps following one another in hot haste up his throat, whence they +seemed to shoot into his forehead, he had the appearance of being in +the last extremity. I would have gone to his assistance, but he waved me +off, and wouldn't hear a word. + +'No, Copperfield!--No communication--a--until--Miss +Wickfield--a--redress from wrongs inflicted by consummate +scoundrel--HEEP!' (I am quite convinced he could not have uttered three +words, but for the amazing energy with which this word inspired him when +he felt it coming.) 'Inviolable secret--a--from the whole world--a--no +exceptions--this day week--a--at breakfast-time--a--everybody +present--including aunt--a--and extremely friendly gentleman--to be at +the hotel at Canterbury--a--where--Mrs. Micawber and myself--Auld Lang +Syne in chorus--and--a--will expose intolerable ruffian--HEEP! No more +to say--a--or listen to persuasion--go immediately--not capable--a--bear +society--upon the track of devoted and doomed traitor--HEEP!' + +With this last repetition of the magic word that had kept him going at +all, and in which he surpassed all his previous efforts, Mr. Micawber +rushed out of the house; leaving us in a state of excitement, hope, and +wonder, that reduced us to a condition little better than his own. But +even then his passion for writing letters was too strong to be resisted; +for while we were yet in the height of our excitement, hope, and wonder, +the following pastoral note was brought to me from a neighbouring +tavern, at which he had called to write it:-- + + + 'Most secret and confidential. +'MY DEAR SIR, + +'I beg to be allowed to convey, through you, my apologies to your +excellent aunt for my late excitement. An explosion of a smouldering +volcano long suppressed, was the result of an internal contest more +easily conceived than described. + +'I trust I rendered tolerably intelligible my appointment for the +morning of this day week, at the house of public entertainment at +Canterbury, where Mrs. Micawber and myself had once the honour of +uniting our voices to yours, in the well-known strain of the Immortal +exciseman nurtured beyond the Tweed. + +'The duty done, and act of reparation performed, which can alone enable +me to contemplate my fellow mortal, I shall be known no more. I shall +simply require to be deposited in that place of universal resort, where + + Each in his narrow cell for ever laid, + The rude forefathers of the hamlet sleep, + + '--With the plain Inscription, + + 'WILKINS MICAWBER.' + + + +CHAPTER 50. Mr. PEGGOTTY'S DREAM COMES TRUE + + +By this time, some months had passed since our interview on the bank +of the river with Martha. I had never seen her since, but she had +communicated with Mr. Peggotty on several occasions. Nothing had come of +her zealous intervention; nor could I infer, from what he told me, that +any clue had been obtained, for a moment, to Emily's fate. I confess +that I began to despair of her recovery, and gradually to sink deeper +and deeper into the belief that she was dead. + +His conviction remained unchanged. So far as I know--and I believe +his honest heart was transparent to me--he never wavered again, in his +solemn certainty of finding her. His patience never tired. And, although +I trembled for the agony it might one day be to him to have his strong +assurance shivered at a blow, there was something so religious in it, so +affectingly expressive of its anchor being in the purest depths of +his fine nature, that the respect and honour in which I held him were +exalted every day. + +His was not a lazy trustfulness that hoped, and did no more. He had +been a man of sturdy action all his life, and he knew that in all things +wherein he wanted help he must do his own part faithfully, and help +himself. I have known him set out in the night, on a misgiving that the +light might not be, by some accident, in the window of the old boat, +and walk to Yarmouth. I have known him, on reading something in the +newspaper that might apply to her, take up his stick, and go forth on a +journey of three--or four-score miles. He made his way by sea to Naples, +and back, after hearing the narrative to which Miss Dartle had assisted +me. All his journeys were ruggedly performed; for he was always +steadfast in a purpose of saving money for Emily's sake, when she should +be found. In all this long pursuit, I never heard him repine; I never +heard him say he was fatigued, or out of heart. + +Dora had often seen him since our marriage, and was quite fond of him. +I fancy his figure before me now, standing near her sofa, with his rough +cap in his hand, and the blue eyes of my child-wife raised, with a timid +wonder, to his face. Sometimes of an evening, about twilight, when +he came to talk with me, I would induce him to smoke his pipe in the +garden, as we slowly paced to and fro together; and then, the picture +of his deserted home, and the comfortable air it used to have in my +childish eyes of an evening when the fire was burning, and the wind +moaning round it, came most vividly into my mind. + +One evening, at this hour, he told me that he had found Martha waiting +near his lodging on the preceding night when he came out, and that she +had asked him not to leave London on any account, until he should have +seen her again. + +'Did she tell you why?' I inquired. + +'I asked her, Mas'r Davy,' he replied, 'but it is but few words as she +ever says, and she on'y got my promise and so went away.' + +'Did she say when you might expect to see her again?' I demanded. + +'No, Mas'r Davy,' he returned, drawing his hand thoughtfully down his +face. 'I asked that too; but it was more (she said) than she could +tell.' + +As I had long forborne to encourage him with hopes that hung on threads, +I made no other comment on this information than that I supposed he +would see her soon. Such speculations as it engendered within me I kept +to myself, and those were faint enough. + +I was walking alone in the garden, one evening, about a fortnight +afterwards. I remember that evening well. It was the second in Mr. +Micawber's week of suspense. There had been rain all day, and there was +a damp feeling in the air. The leaves were thick upon the trees, and +heavy with wet; but the rain had ceased, though the sky was still dark; +and the hopeful birds were singing cheerfully. As I walked to and fro +in the garden, and the twilight began to close around me, their little +voices were hushed; and that peculiar silence which belongs to such an +evening in the country when the lightest trees are quite still, save for +the occasional droppings from their boughs, prevailed. + +There was a little green perspective of trellis-work and ivy at the side +of our cottage, through which I could see, from the garden where I was +walking, into the road before the house. I happened to turn my eyes +towards this place, as I was thinking of many things; and I saw a figure +beyond, dressed in a plain cloak. It was bending eagerly towards me, and +beckoning. + +'Martha!' said I, going to it. + +'Can you come with me?' she inquired, in an agitated whisper. 'I have +been to him, and he is not at home. I wrote down where he was to come, +and left it on his table with my own hand. They said he would not be out +long. I have tidings for him. Can you come directly?' + +My answer was, to pass out at the gate immediately. She made a hasty +gesture with her hand, as if to entreat my patience and my silence, +and turned towards London, whence, as her dress betokened, she had come +expeditiously on foot. + +I asked her if that were not our destination? On her motioning Yes, +with the same hasty gesture as before, I stopped an empty coach that was +coming by, and we got into it. When I asked her where the coachman was +to drive, she answered, 'Anywhere near Golden Square! And quick!'--then +shrunk into a corner, with one trembling hand before her face, and the +other making the former gesture, as if she could not bear a voice. + +Now much disturbed, and dazzled with conflicting gleams of hope and +dread, I looked at her for some explanation. But seeing how strongly +she desired to remain quiet, and feeling that it was my own natural +inclination too, at such a time, I did not attempt to break the silence. +We proceeded without a word being spoken. Sometimes she glanced out of +the window, as though she thought we were going slowly, though indeed we +were going fast; but otherwise remained exactly as at first. + +We alighted at one of the entrances to the Square she had mentioned, +where I directed the coach to wait, not knowing but that we might have +some occasion for it. She laid her hand on my arm, and hurried me on +to one of the sombre streets, of which there are several in that part, +where the houses were once fair dwellings in the occupation of single +families, but have, and had, long degenerated into poor lodgings let off +in rooms. Entering at the open door of one of these, and releasing my +arm, she beckoned me to follow her up the common staircase, which was +like a tributary channel to the street. + +The house swarmed with inmates. As we went up, doors of rooms were +opened and people's heads put out; and we passed other people on the +stairs, who were coming down. In glancing up from the outside, before +we entered, I had seen women and children lolling at the windows over +flower-pots; and we seemed to have attracted their curiosity, for these +were principally the observers who looked out of their doors. It was a +broad panelled staircase, with massive balustrades of some dark wood; +cornices above the doors, ornamented with carved fruit and flowers; and +broad seats in the windows. But all these tokens of past grandeur +were miserably decayed and dirty; rot, damp, and age, had weakened +the flooring, which in many places was unsound and even unsafe. Some +attempts had been made, I noticed, to infuse new blood into this +dwindling frame, by repairing the costly old wood-work here and there +with common deal; but it was like the marriage of a reduced old noble to +a plebeian pauper, and each party to the ill-assorted union shrunk away +from the other. Several of the back windows on the staircase had +been darkened or wholly blocked up. In those that remained, there was +scarcely any glass; and, through the crumbling frames by which the bad +air seemed always to come in, and never to go out, I saw, through other +glassless windows, into other houses in a similar condition, and looked +giddily down into a wretched yard, which was the common dust-heap of the +mansion. + +We proceeded to the top-storey of the house. Two or three times, by the +way, I thought I observed in the indistinct light the skirts of a female +figure going up before us. As we turned to ascend the last flight of +stairs between us and the roof, we caught a full view of this figure +pausing for a moment, at a door. Then it turned the handle, and went in. + +'What's this!' said Martha, in a whisper. 'She has gone into my room. I +don't know her!' + +I knew her. I had recognized her with amazement, for Miss Dartle. + +I said something to the effect that it was a lady whom I had seen +before, in a few words, to my conductress; and had scarcely done so, +when we heard her voice in the room, though not, from where we stood, +what she was saying. Martha, with an astonished look, repeated her +former action, and softly led me up the stairs; and then, by a little +back-door which seemed to have no lock, and which she pushed open with a +touch, into a small empty garret with a low sloping roof, little better +than a cupboard. Between this, and the room she had called hers, +there was a small door of communication, standing partly open. Here we +stopped, breathless with our ascent, and she placed her hand lightly on +my lips. I could only see, of the room beyond, that it was pretty large; +that there was a bed in it; and that there were some common pictures of +ships upon the walls. I could not see Miss Dartle, or the person whom +we had heard her address. Certainly, my companion could not, for my +position was the best. A dead silence prevailed for some moments. Martha +kept one hand on my lips, and raised the other in a listening attitude. + +'It matters little to me her not being at home,' said Rosa Dartle +haughtily, 'I know nothing of her. It is you I come to see.' + +'Me?' replied a soft voice. + +At the sound of it, a thrill went through my frame. For it was Emily's! + +'Yes,' returned Miss Dartle, 'I have come to look at you. What? You are +not ashamed of the face that has done so much?' + +The resolute and unrelenting hatred of her tone, its cold stern +sharpness, and its mastered rage, presented her before me, as if I had +seen her standing in the light. I saw the flashing black eyes, and the +passion-wasted figure; and I saw the scar, with its white track cutting +through her lips, quivering and throbbing as she spoke. + +'I have come to see,' she said, 'James Steerforth's fancy; the girl who +ran away with him, and is the town-talk of the commonest people of her +native place; the bold, flaunting, practised companion of persons like +James Steerforth. I want to know what such a thing is like.' + +There was a rustle, as if the unhappy girl, on whom she heaped these +taunts, ran towards the door, and the speaker swiftly interposed herself +before it. It was succeeded by a moment's pause. + +When Miss Dartle spoke again, it was through her set teeth, and with a +stamp upon the ground. + +'Stay there!' she said, 'or I'll proclaim you to the house, and the +whole street! If you try to evade me, I'll stop you, if it's by the +hair, and raise the very stones against you!' + +A frightened murmur was the only reply that reached my ears. A silence +succeeded. I did not know what to do. Much as I desired to put an end to +the interview, I felt that I had no right to present myself; that it was +for Mr. Peggotty alone to see her and recover her. Would he never come? +I thought impatiently. + +'So!' said Rosa Dartle, with a contemptuous laugh, 'I see her at last! +Why, he was a poor creature to be taken by that delicate mock-modesty, +and that hanging head!' + +'Oh, for Heaven's sake, spare me!' exclaimed Emily. 'Whoever you are, +you know my pitiable story, and for Heaven's sake spare me, if you would +be spared yourself!' + +'If I would be spared!' returned the other fiercely; 'what is there in +common between US, do you think!' + +'Nothing but our sex,' said Emily, with a burst of tears. + +'And that,' said Rosa Dartle, 'is so strong a claim, preferred by one +so infamous, that if I had any feeling in my breast but scorn and +abhorrence of you, it would freeze it up. Our sex! You are an honour to +our sex!' + +'I have deserved this,' said Emily, 'but it's dreadful! Dear, dear lady, +think what I have suffered, and how I am fallen! Oh, Martha, come back! +Oh, home, home!' + +Miss Dartle placed herself in a chair, within view of the door, and +looked downward, as if Emily were crouching on the floor before her. +Being now between me and the light, I could see her curled lip, and her +cruel eyes intently fixed on one place, with a greedy triumph. + +'Listen to what I say!' she said; 'and reserve your false arts for your +dupes. Do you hope to move me by your tears? No more than you could +charm me by your smiles, you purchased slave.' + +'Oh, have some mercy on me!' cried Emily. 'Show me some compassion, or I +shall die mad!' + +'It would be no great penance,' said Rosa Dartle, 'for your crimes. Do +you know what you have done? Do you ever think of the home you have laid +waste?' + +'Oh, is there ever night or day, when I don't think of it!' cried Emily; +and now I could just see her, on her knees, with her head thrown back, +her pale face looking upward, her hands wildly clasped and held out, +and her hair streaming about her. 'Has there ever been a single minute, +waking or sleeping, when it hasn't been before me, just as it used to +be in the lost days when I turned my back upon it for ever and for ever! +Oh, home, home! Oh dear, dear uncle, if you ever could have known the +agony your love would cause me when I fell away from good, you never +would have shown it to me so constant, much as you felt it; but would +have been angry to me, at least once in my life, that I might have had +some comfort! I have none, none, no comfort upon earth, for all of them +were always fond of me!' She dropped on her face, before the imperious +figure in the chair, with an imploring effort to clasp the skirt of her +dress. + +Rosa Dartle sat looking down upon her, as inflexible as a figure of +brass. Her lips were tightly compressed, as if she knew that she +must keep a strong constraint upon herself--I write what I sincerely +believe--or she would be tempted to strike the beautiful form with +her foot. I saw her, distinctly, and the whole power of her face and +character seemed forced into that expression.---Would he never come? + +'The miserable vanity of these earth-worms!' she said, when she had so +far controlled the angry heavings of her breast, that she could trust +herself to speak. 'YOUR home! Do you imagine that I bestow a thought +on it, or suppose you could do any harm to that low place, which money +would not pay for, and handsomely? YOUR home! You were a part of the +trade of your home, and were bought and sold like any other vendible +thing your people dealt in.' + +'Oh, not that!' cried Emily. 'Say anything of me; but don't visit +my disgrace and shame, more than I have done, on folks who are as +honourable as you! Have some respect for them, as you are a lady, if you +have no mercy for me.' + +'I speak,' she said, not deigning to take any heed of this appeal, and +drawing away her dress from the contamination of Emily's touch, 'I speak +of HIS home--where I live. Here,' she said, stretching out her hand with +her contemptuous laugh, and looking down upon the prostrate girl, 'is a +worthy cause of division between lady-mother and gentleman-son; of grief +in a house where she wouldn't have been admitted as a kitchen-girl; of +anger, and repining, and reproach. This piece of pollution, picked up +from the water-side, to be made much of for an hour, and then tossed +back to her original place!' + +'No! no!' cried Emily, clasping her hands together. 'When he first came +into my way--that the day had never dawned upon me, and he had met me +being carried to my grave!--I had been brought up as virtuous as you or +any lady, and was going to be the wife of as good a man as you or any +lady in the world can ever marry. If you live in his home and know him, +you know, perhaps, what his power with a weak, vain girl might be. I +don't defend myself, but I know well, and he knows well, or he will know +when he comes to die, and his mind is troubled with it, that he used all +his power to deceive me, and that I believed him, trusted him, and loved +him!' + +Rosa Dartle sprang up from her seat; recoiled; and in recoiling struck +at her, with a face of such malignity, so darkened and disfigured by +passion, that I had almost thrown myself between them. The blow, which +had no aim, fell upon the air. As she now stood panting, looking at +her with the utmost detestation that she was capable of expressing, and +trembling from head to foot with rage and scorn, I thought I had never +seen such a sight, and never could see such another. + +'YOU love him? You?' she cried, with her clenched hand, quivering as if +it only wanted a weapon to stab the object of her wrath. + +Emily had shrunk out of my view. There was no reply. + +'And tell that to ME,' she added, 'with your shameful lips? Why don't +they whip these creatures? If I could order it to be done, I would have +this girl whipped to death.' + +And so she would, I have no doubt. I would not have trusted her with the +rack itself, while that furious look lasted. She slowly, very slowly, +broke into a laugh, and pointed at Emily with her hand, as if she were a +sight of shame for gods and men. + +'SHE love!' she said. 'THAT carrion! And he ever cared for her, she'd +tell me. Ha, ha! The liars that these traders are!' + +Her mockery was worse than her undisguised rage. Of the two, I would +have much preferred to be the object of the latter. But, when she +suffered it to break loose, it was only for a moment. She had chained +it up again, and however it might tear her within, she subdued it to +herself. + +'I came here, you pure fountain of love,' she said, 'to see--as I began +by telling you--what such a thing as you was like. I was curious. I am +satisfied. Also to tell you, that you had best seek that home of yours, +with all speed, and hide your head among those excellent people who are +expecting you, and whom your money will console. When it's all gone, you +can believe, and trust, and love again, you know! I thought you a broken +toy that had lasted its time; a worthless spangle that was tarnished, +and thrown away. But, finding you true gold, a very lady, and +an ill-used innocent, with a fresh heart full of love and +trustfulness--which you look like, and is quite consistent with your +story!--I have something more to say. Attend to it; for what I say I'll +do. Do you hear me, you fairy spirit? What I say, I mean to do!' + +Her rage got the better of her again, for a moment; but it passed over +her face like a spasm, and left her smiling. + +'Hide yourself,' she pursued, 'if not at home, somewhere. Let it be +somewhere beyond reach; in some obscure life--or, better still, in some +obscure death. I wonder, if your loving heart will not break, you have +found no way of helping it to be still! I have heard of such means +sometimes. I believe they may be easily found.' + +A low crying, on the part of Emily, interrupted her here. She stopped, +and listened to it as if it were music. + +'I am of a strange nature, perhaps,' Rosa Dartle went on; 'but I can't +breathe freely in the air you breathe. I find it sickly. Therefore, I +will have it cleared; I will have it purified of you. If you live here +tomorrow, I'll have your story and your character proclaimed on the +common stair. There are decent women in the house, I am told; and it +is a pity such a light as you should be among them, and concealed. If, +leaving here, you seek any refuge in this town in any character but your +true one (which you are welcome to bear, without molestation from me), +the same service shall be done you, if I hear of your retreat. Being +assisted by a gentleman who not long ago aspired to the favour of your +hand, I am sanguine as to that.' + +Would he never, never come? How long was I to bear this? How long could +I bear it? 'Oh me, oh me!' exclaimed the wretched Emily, in a tone that +might have touched the hardest heart, I should have thought; but there +was no relenting in Rosa Dartle's smile. 'What, what, shall I do!' + +'Do?' returned the other. 'Live happy in your own reflections! +Consecrate your existence to the recollection of James Steerforth's +tenderness--he would have made you his serving-man's wife, would he +not?---or to feeling grateful to the upright and deserving creature who +would have taken you as his gift. Or, if those proud remembrances, and +the consciousness of your own virtues, and the honourable position to +which they have raised you in the eyes of everything that wears the +human shape, will not sustain you, marry that good man, and be happy in +his condescension. If this will not do either, die! There are doorways +and dust-heaps for such deaths, and such despair--find one, and take +your flight to Heaven!' + +I heard a distant foot upon the stairs. I knew it, I was certain. It was +his, thank God! + +She moved slowly from before the door when she said this, and passed out +of my sight. + +'But mark!' she added, slowly and sternly, opening the other door to +go away, 'I am resolved, for reasons that I have and hatreds that +I entertain, to cast you out, unless you withdraw from my reach +altogether, or drop your pretty mask. This is what I had to say; and +what I say, I mean to do!' + +The foot upon the stairs came nearer--nearer--passed her as she went +down--rushed into the room! + +'Uncle!' + +A fearful cry followed the word. I paused a moment, and looking in, saw +him supporting her insensible figure in his arms. He gazed for a few +seconds in the face; then stooped to kiss it--oh, how tenderly!--and +drew a handkerchief before it. + +'Mas'r Davy,' he said, in a low tremulous voice, when it was covered, 'I +thank my Heav'nly Father as my dream's come true! I thank Him hearty for +having guided of me, in His own ways, to my darling!' + +With those words he took her up in his arms; and, with the veiled +face lying on his bosom, and addressed towards his own, carried her, +motionless and unconscious, down the stairs. + + + +CHAPTER 51. THE BEGINNING OF A LONGER JOURNEY + + +It was yet early in the morning of the following day, when, as I was +walking in my garden with my aunt (who took little other exercise +now, being so much in attendance on my dear Dora), I was told that Mr. +Peggotty desired to speak with me. He came into the garden to meet me +half-way, on my going towards the gate; and bared his head, as it was +always his custom to do when he saw my aunt, for whom he had a high +respect. I had been telling her all that had happened overnight. Without +saying a word, she walked up with a cordial face, shook hands with him, +and patted him on the arm. It was so expressively done, that she had no +need to say a word. Mr. Peggotty understood her quite as well as if she +had said a thousand. + +'I'll go in now, Trot,' said my aunt, 'and look after Little Blossom, +who will be getting up presently.' + +'Not along of my being heer, ma'am, I hope?' said Mr. Peggotty. 'Unless +my wits is gone a bahd's neezing'--by which Mr. Peggotty meant to say, +bird's-nesting--'this morning, 'tis along of me as you're a-going to +quit us?' + +'You have something to say, my good friend,' returned my aunt, 'and will +do better without me.' + +'By your leave, ma'am,' returned Mr. Peggotty, 'I should take it kind, +pervising you doen't mind my clicketten, if you'd bide heer.' + +'Would you?' said my aunt, with short good-nature. 'Then I am sure I +will!' + +So, she drew her arm through Mr. Peggotty's, and walked with him to a +leafy little summer-house there was at the bottom of the garden, where +she sat down on a bench, and I beside her. There was a seat for Mr. +Peggotty too, but he preferred to stand, leaning his hand on the small +rustic table. As he stood, looking at his cap for a little while before +beginning to speak, I could not help observing what power and force +of character his sinewy hand expressed, and what a good and trusty +companion it was to his honest brow and iron-grey hair. + +'I took my dear child away last night,' Mr. Peggotty began, as he +raised his eyes to ours, 'to my lodging, wheer I have a long time been +expecting of her and preparing fur her. It was hours afore she knowed me +right; and when she did, she kneeled down at my feet, and kiender said +to me, as if it was her prayers, how it all come to be. You may believe +me, when I heerd her voice, as I had heerd at home so playful--and see +her humbled, as it might be in the dust our Saviour wrote in with his +blessed hand--I felt a wownd go to my 'art, in the midst of all its +thankfulness.' + +He drew his sleeve across his face, without any pretence of concealing +why; and then cleared his voice. + +'It warn't for long as I felt that; for she was found. I had on'y to +think as she was found, and it was gone. I doen't know why I do so much +as mention of it now, I'm sure. I didn't have it in my mind a minute +ago, to say a word about myself; but it come up so nat'ral, that I +yielded to it afore I was aweer.' + +'You are a self-denying soul,' said my aunt, 'and will have your +reward.' + +Mr. Peggotty, with the shadows of the leaves playing athwart his +face, made a surprised inclination of the head towards my aunt, as an +acknowledgement of her good opinion; then took up the thread he had +relinquished. + +'When my Em'ly took flight,' he said, in stern wrath for the moment, +'from the house wheer she was made a prisoner by that theer spotted +snake as Mas'r Davy see,--and his story's trew, and may GOD confound +him!--she took flight in the night. It was a dark night, with a many +stars a-shining. She was wild. She ran along the sea beach, believing +the old boat was theer; and calling out to us to turn away our faces, +for she was a-coming by. She heerd herself a-crying out, like as if +it was another person; and cut herself on them sharp-pinted stones and +rocks, and felt it no more than if she had been rock herself. Ever so +fur she run, and there was fire afore her eyes, and roarings in her +ears. Of a sudden--or so she thowt, you unnerstand--the day broke, wet +and windy, and she was lying b'low a heap of stone upon the shore, and +a woman was a-speaking to her, saying, in the language of that country, +what was it as had gone so much amiss?' + +He saw everything he related. It passed before him, as he spoke, so +vividly, that, in the intensity of his earnestness, he presented what +he described to me, with greater distinctness than I can express. I can +hardly believe, writing now long afterwards, but that I was actually +present in these scenes; they are impressed upon me with such an +astonishing air of fidelity. + +'As Em'ly's eyes--which was heavy--see this woman better,' Mr. Peggotty +went on, 'she know'd as she was one of them as she had often talked to +on the beach. Fur, though she had run (as I have said) ever so fur in +the night, she had oftentimes wandered long ways, partly afoot, partly +in boats and carriages, and know'd all that country, 'long the coast, +miles and miles. She hadn't no children of her own, this woman, being +a young wife; but she was a-looking to have one afore long. And may +my prayers go up to Heaven that 'twill be a happiness to her, and a +comfort, and a honour, all her life! May it love her and be dootiful to +her, in her old age; helpful of her at the last; a Angel to her heer, +and heerafter!' + +'Amen!' said my aunt. + +'She had been summat timorous and down,' said Mr. Peggotty, 'and had sat, +at first, a little way off, at her spinning, or such work as it was, +when Em'ly talked to the children. But Em'ly had took notice of her, +and had gone and spoke to her; and as the young woman was partial to +the children herself, they had soon made friends. Sermuchser, that when +Em'ly went that way, she always giv Em'ly flowers. This was her as +now asked what it was that had gone so much amiss. Em'ly told her, +and she--took her home. She did indeed. She took her home,' said Mr. +Peggotty, covering his face. + +He was more affected by this act of kindness, than I had ever seen him +affected by anything since the night she went away. My aunt and I did +not attempt to disturb him. + +'It was a little cottage, you may suppose,' he said, presently, 'but she +found space for Em'ly in it,--her husband was away at sea,--and she kep +it secret, and prevailed upon such neighbours as she had (they was not +many near) to keep it secret too. Em'ly was took bad with fever, +and, what is very strange to me is,--maybe 'tis not so strange to +scholars,--the language of that country went out of her head, and she +could only speak her own, that no one unnerstood. She recollects, as if +she had dreamed it, that she lay there always a-talking her own tongue, +always believing as the old boat was round the next pint in the bay, and +begging and imploring of 'em to send theer and tell how she was dying, +and bring back a message of forgiveness, if it was on'y a wured. A'most +the whole time, she thowt,--now, that him as I made mention on just now +was lurking for her unnerneath the winder; now that him as had brought +her to this was in the room,--and cried to the good young woman not to +give her up, and know'd, at the same time, that she couldn't unnerstand, +and dreaded that she must be took away. Likewise the fire was afore +her eyes, and the roarings in her ears; and theer was no today, nor +yesterday, nor yet tomorrow; but everything in her life as ever had +been, or as ever could be, and everything as never had been, and as +never could be, was a crowding on her all at once, and nothing clear nor +welcome, and yet she sang and laughed about it! How long this lasted, I +doen't know; but then theer come a sleep; and in that sleep, from being +a many times stronger than her own self, she fell into the weakness of +the littlest child.' + +Here he stopped, as if for relief from the terrors of his own +description. After being silent for a few moments, he pursued his story. + +'It was a pleasant arternoon when she awoke; and so quiet, that there +warn't a sound but the rippling of that blue sea without a tide, upon +the shore. It was her belief, at first, that she was at home upon a +Sunday morning; but the vine leaves as she see at the winder, and the +hills beyond, warn't home, and contradicted of her. Then, come in her +friend to watch alongside of her bed; and then she know'd as the old +boat warn't round that next pint in the bay no more, but was fur off; +and know'd where she was, and why; and broke out a-crying on that good +young woman's bosom, wheer I hope her baby is a-lying now, a-cheering of +her with its pretty eyes!' + +He could not speak of this good friend of Emily's without a flow of +tears. It was in vain to try. He broke down again, endeavouring to bless +her! + +'That done my Em'ly good,' he resumed, after such emotion as I could +not behold without sharing in; and as to my aunt, she wept with all her +heart; 'that done Em'ly good, and she begun to mend. But, the language +of that country was quite gone from her, and she was forced to make +signs. So she went on, getting better from day to day, slow, but sure, +and trying to learn the names of common things--names as she seemed +never to have heerd in all her life--till one evening come, when she +was a-setting at her window, looking at a little girl at play upon the +beach. And of a sudden this child held out her hand, and said, what +would be in English, "Fisherman's daughter, here's a shell!"--for you +are to unnerstand that they used at first to call her "Pretty lady", as +the general way in that country is, and that she had taught 'em to +call her "Fisherman's daughter" instead. The child says of a sudden, +"Fisherman's daughter, here's a shell!" Then Em'ly unnerstands her; and +she answers, bursting out a-crying; and it all comes back! + +'When Em'ly got strong again,' said Mr. Peggotty, after another short +interval of silence, 'she cast about to leave that good young creetur, +and get to her own country. The husband was come home, then; and the two +together put her aboard a small trader bound to Leghorn, and from that +to France. She had a little money, but it was less than little as they +would take for all they done. I'm a'most glad on it, though they was +so poor! What they done, is laid up wheer neither moth or rust doth +corrupt, and wheer thieves do not break through nor steal. Mas'r Davy, +it'll outlast all the treasure in the wureld. + +'Em'ly got to France, and took service to wait on travelling ladies at a +inn in the port. Theer, theer come, one day, that snake. --Let him never +come nigh me. I doen't know what hurt I might do him!--Soon as she see +him, without him seeing her, all her fear and wildness returned upon +her, and she fled afore the very breath he draw'd. She come to England, +and was set ashore at Dover. + +'I doen't know,' said Mr. Peggotty, 'for sure, when her 'art begun to +fail her; but all the way to England she had thowt to come to her dear +home. Soon as she got to England she turned her face tow'rds it. But, +fear of not being forgiv, fear of being pinted at, fear of some of +us being dead along of her, fear of many things, turned her from it, +kiender by force, upon the road: "Uncle, uncle," she says to me, "the +fear of not being worthy to do what my torn and bleeding breast so +longed to do, was the most fright'ning fear of all! I turned back, when +my 'art was full of prayers that I might crawl to the old door-step, in +the night, kiss it, lay my wicked face upon it, and theer be found dead +in the morning." + +'She come,' said Mr. Peggotty, dropping his voice to an +awe-stricken whisper, 'to London. She--as had never seen it in her +life--alone--without a penny--young--so pretty--come to London. A'most +the moment as she lighted heer, all so desolate, she found (as she +believed) a friend; a decent woman as spoke to her about the needle-work +as she had been brought up to do, about finding plenty of it fur her, +about a lodging fur the night, and making secret inquiration concerning +of me and all at home, tomorrow. When my child,' he said aloud, and with +an energy of gratitude that shook him from head to foot, 'stood upon the +brink of more than I can say or think on--Martha, trew to her promise, +saved her.' + +I could not repress a cry of joy. + +'Mas'r Davy!' said he, gripping my hand in that strong hand of his, +'it was you as first made mention of her to me. I thankee, sir! She was +arnest. She had know'd of her bitter knowledge wheer to watch and what +to do. She had done it. And the Lord was above all! She come, white and +hurried, upon Em'ly in her sleep. She says to her, "Rise up from worse +than death, and come with me!" Them belonging to the house would have +stopped her, but they might as soon have stopped the sea. "Stand away +from me," she says, "I am a ghost that calls her from beside her open +grave!" She told Em'ly she had seen me, and know'd I loved her, and +forgive her. She wrapped her, hasty, in her clothes. She took her, faint +and trembling, on her arm. She heeded no more what they said, than if +she had had no ears. She walked among 'em with my child, minding only +her; and brought her safe out, in the dead of the night, from that black +pit of ruin! + +'She attended on Em'ly,' said Mr. Peggotty, who had released my hand, +and put his own hand on his heaving chest; 'she attended to my Em'ly, +lying wearied out, and wandering betwixt whiles, till late next day. +Then she went in search of me; then in search of you, Mas'r Davy. She +didn't tell Em'ly what she come out fur, lest her 'art should fail, and +she should think of hiding of herself. How the cruel lady know'd of +her being theer, I can't say. Whether him as I have spoke so much of, +chanced to see 'em going theer, or whether (which is most like, to my +thinking) he had heerd it from the woman, I doen't greatly ask myself. +My niece is found. + +'All night long,' said Mr. Peggotty, 'we have been together, Em'ly +and me. 'Tis little (considering the time) as she has said, in wureds, +through them broken-hearted tears; 'tis less as I have seen of her dear +face, as grow'd into a woman's at my hearth. But, all night long, her +arms has been about my neck; and her head has laid heer; and we knows +full well, as we can put our trust in one another, ever more.' + +He ceased to speak, and his hand upon the table rested there in perfect +repose, with a resolution in it that might have conquered lions. + +'It was a gleam of light upon me, Trot,' said my aunt, drying her eyes, +'when I formed the resolution of being godmother to your sister Betsey +Trotwood, who disappointed me; but, next to that, hardly anything would +have given me greater pleasure, than to be godmother to that good young +creature's baby!' + +Mr. Peggotty nodded his understanding of my aunt's feelings, but could +not trust himself with any verbal reference to the subject of her +commendation. We all remained silent, and occupied with our own +reflections (my aunt drying her eyes, and now sobbing convulsively, and +now laughing and calling herself a fool); until I spoke. + +'You have quite made up your mind,' said I to Mr. Peggotty, 'as to the +future, good friend? I need scarcely ask you.' + +'Quite, Mas'r Davy,' he returned; 'and told Em'ly. Theer's mighty +countries, fur from heer. Our future life lays over the sea.' + +'They will emigrate together, aunt,' said I. + +'Yes!' said Mr. Peggotty, with a hopeful smile. 'No one can't reproach +my darling in Australia. We will begin a new life over theer!' + +I asked him if he yet proposed to himself any time for going away. + +'I was down at the Docks early this morning, sir,' he returned, 'to get +information concerning of them ships. In about six weeks or two +months from now, there'll be one sailing--I see her this morning--went +aboard--and we shall take our passage in her.' + +'Quite alone?' I asked. + +'Aye, Mas'r Davy!' he returned. 'My sister, you see, she's that fond +of you and yourn, and that accustomed to think on'y of her own country, +that it wouldn't be hardly fair to let her go. Besides which, theer's +one she has in charge, Mas'r Davy, as doen't ought to be forgot.' + +'Poor Ham!' said I. + +'My good sister takes care of his house, you see, ma'am, and he takes +kindly to her,' Mr. Peggotty explained for my aunt's better information. +'He'll set and talk to her, with a calm spirit, wen it's like he +couldn't bring himself to open his lips to another. Poor fellow!' said +Mr. Peggotty, shaking his head, 'theer's not so much left him, that he +could spare the little as he has!' + +'And Mrs. Gummidge?' said I. + +'Well, I've had a mort of consideration, I do tell you,' returned Mr. +Peggotty, with a perplexed look which gradually cleared as he went +on, 'concerning of Missis Gummidge. You see, wen Missis Gummidge falls +a-thinking of the old 'un, she an't what you may call good company. +Betwixt you and me, Mas'r Davy--and you, ma'am--wen Mrs. Gummidge takes +to wimicking,'--our old country word for crying,--'she's liable to be +considered to be, by them as didn't know the old 'un, peevish-like. Now +I DID know the old 'un,' said Mr. Peggotty, 'and I know'd his merits, +so I unnerstan' her; but 'tan't entirely so, you see, with +others--nat'rally can't be!' + +My aunt and I both acquiesced. + +'Wheerby,' said Mr. Peggotty, 'my sister might--I doen't say she would, +but might--find Missis Gummidge give her a leetle trouble now-and-again. +Theerfur 'tan't my intentions to moor Missis Gummidge 'long with them, +but to find a Beein' fur her wheer she can fisherate for herself.' +(A Beein' signifies, in that dialect, a home, and to fisherate is to +provide.) 'Fur which purpose,' said Mr. Peggotty, 'I means to make her +a 'lowance afore I go, as'll leave her pretty comfort'ble. She's the +faithfullest of creeturs. 'Tan't to be expected, of course, at her +time of life, and being lone and lorn, as the good old Mawther is to +be knocked about aboardship, and in the woods and wilds of a new and +fur-away country. So that's what I'm a-going to do with her.' + +He forgot nobody. He thought of everybody's claims and strivings, but +his own. + +'Em'ly,' he continued, 'will keep along with me--poor child, she's sore +in need of peace and rest!--until such time as we goes upon our voyage. +She'll work at them clothes, as must be made; and I hope her troubles +will begin to seem longer ago than they was, wen she finds herself once +more by her rough but loving uncle.' + +My aunt nodded confirmation of this hope, and imparted great +satisfaction to Mr. Peggotty. + +'Theer's one thing furder, Mas'r Davy,' said he, putting his hand in his +breast-pocket, and gravely taking out the little paper bundle I had +seen before, which he unrolled on the table. 'Theer's these here +banknotes--fifty pound, and ten. To them I wish to add the money as she +come away with. I've asked her about that (but not saying why), and have +added of it up. I an't a scholar. Would you be so kind as see how 'tis?' + +He handed me, apologetically for his scholarship, a piece of paper, and +observed me while I looked it over. It was quite right. + +'Thankee, sir,' he said, taking it back. 'This money, if you doen't +see objections, Mas'r Davy, I shall put up jest afore I go, in a cover +directed to him; and put that up in another, directed to his mother. +I shall tell her, in no more wureds than I speak to you, what it's the +price on; and that I'm gone, and past receiving of it back.' + +I told him that I thought it would be right to do so--that I was +thoroughly convinced it would be, since he felt it to be right. + +'I said that theer was on'y one thing furder,' he proceeded with a grave +smile, when he had made up his little bundle again, and put it in his +pocket; 'but theer was two. I warn't sure in my mind, wen I come out +this morning, as I could go and break to Ham, of my own self, what had +so thankfully happened. So I writ a letter while I was out, and put +it in the post-office, telling of 'em how all was as 'tis; and that I +should come down tomorrow to unload my mind of what little needs a-doing +of down theer, and, most-like, take my farewell leave of Yarmouth.' + +'And do you wish me to go with you?' said I, seeing that he left +something unsaid. + +'If you could do me that kind favour, Mas'r Davy,' he replied. 'I know +the sight on you would cheer 'em up a bit.' + +My little Dora being in good spirits, and very desirous that I should +go--as I found on talking it over with her--I readily pledged myself to +accompany him in accordance with his wish. Next morning, consequently, +we were on the Yarmouth coach, and again travelling over the old ground. + +As we passed along the familiar street at night--Mr. Peggotty, in +despite of all my remonstrances, carrying my bag--I glanced into Omer +and Joram's shop, and saw my old friend Mr. Omer there, smoking his +pipe. I felt reluctant to be present, when Mr. Peggotty first met his +sister and Ham; and made Mr. Omer my excuse for lingering behind. + +'How is Mr. Omer, after this long time?' said I, going in. + +He fanned away the smoke of his pipe, that he might get a better view of +me, and soon recognized me with great delight. + +'I should get up, sir, to acknowledge such an honour as this visit,' +said he, 'only my limbs are rather out of sorts, and I am wheeled about. +With the exception of my limbs and my breath, howsoever, I am as hearty +as a man can be, I'm thankful to say.' + +I congratulated him on his contented looks and his good spirits, and +saw, now, that his easy-chair went on wheels. + +'It's an ingenious thing, ain't it?' he inquired, following the +direction of my glance, and polishing the elbow with his arm. 'It runs +as light as a feather, and tracks as true as a mail-coach. Bless you, +my little Minnie--my grand-daughter you know, Minnie's child--puts her +little strength against the back, gives it a shove, and away we go, as +clever and merry as ever you see anything! And I tell you what--it's a +most uncommon chair to smoke a pipe in.' + +I never saw such a good old fellow to make the best of a thing, and +find out the enjoyment of it, as Mr. Omer. He was as radiant, as if +his chair, his asthma, and the failure of his limbs, were the various +branches of a great invention for enhancing the luxury of a pipe. + +'I see more of the world, I can assure you,' said Mr. Omer, 'in this +chair, than ever I see out of it. You'd be surprised at the number of +people that looks in of a day to have a chat. You really would! There's +twice as much in the newspaper, since I've taken to this chair, as there +used to be. As to general reading, dear me, what a lot of it I do get +through! That's what I feel so strong, you know! If it had been my eyes, +what should I have done? If it had been my ears, what should I have +done? Being my limbs, what does it signify? Why, my limbs only made my +breath shorter when I used 'em. And now, if I want to go out into +the street or down to the sands, I've only got to call Dick, Joram's +youngest 'prentice, and away I go in my own carriage, like the Lord +Mayor of London.' + +He half suffocated himself with laughing here. + +'Lord bless you!' said Mr. Omer, resuming his pipe, 'a man must take +the fat with the lean; that's what he must make up his mind to, in this +life. Joram does a fine business. Ex-cellent business!' + +'I am very glad to hear it,' said I. + +'I knew you would be,' said Mr. Omer. 'And Joram and Minnie are like +Valentines. What more can a man expect? What's his limbs to that!' + +His supreme contempt for his own limbs, as he sat smoking, was one of +the pleasantest oddities I have ever encountered. + +'And since I've took to general reading, you've took to general writing, +eh, sir?' said Mr. Omer, surveying me admiringly. 'What a lovely work +that was of yours! What expressions in it! I read it every word--every +word. And as to feeling sleepy! Not at all!' + +I laughingly expressed my satisfaction, but I must confess that I +thought this association of ideas significant. + +'I give you my word and honour, sir,' said Mr. Omer, 'that when I lay +that book upon the table, and look at it outside; compact in three +separate and indiwidual wollumes--one, two, three; I am as proud as +Punch to think that I once had the honour of being connected with +your family. And dear me, it's a long time ago, now, ain't it? Over +at Blunderstone. With a pretty little party laid along with the other +party. And you quite a small party then, yourself. Dear, dear!' + +I changed the subject by referring to Emily. After assuring him that I +did not forget how interested he had always been in her, and how +kindly he had always treated her, I gave him a general account of her +restoration to her uncle by the aid of Martha; which I knew would please +the old man. He listened with the utmost attention, and said, feelingly, +when I had done: + +'I am rejoiced at it, sir! It's the best news I have heard for many +a day. Dear, dear, dear! And what's going to be undertook for that +unfortunate young woman, Martha, now?' + +'You touch a point that my thoughts have been dwelling on since +yesterday,' said I, 'but on which I can give you no information yet, Mr. +Omer. Mr. Peggotty has not alluded to it, and I have a delicacy in +doing so. I am sure he has not forgotten it. He forgets nothing that is +disinterested and good.' + +'Because you know,' said Mr. Omer, taking himself up, where he had left +off, 'whatever is done, I should wish to be a member of. Put me down for +anything you may consider right, and let me know. I never could think +the girl all bad, and I am glad to find she's not. So will my daughter +Minnie be. Young women are contradictory creatures in some things--her +mother was just the same as her--but their hearts are soft and kind. +It's all show with Minnie, about Martha. Why she should consider it +necessary to make any show, I don't undertake to tell you. But it's all +show, bless you. She'd do her any kindness in private. So, put me down +for whatever you may consider right, will you be so good? and drop me +a line where to forward it. Dear me!' said Mr. Omer, 'when a man is +drawing on to a time of life, where the two ends of life meet; when he +finds himself, however hearty he is, being wheeled about for the second +time, in a speeches of go-cart; he should be over-rejoiced to do a +kindness if he can. He wants plenty. And I don't speak of myself, +particular,' said Mr. Omer, 'because, sir, the way I look at it is, that +we are all drawing on to the bottom of the hill, whatever age we are, +on account of time never standing still for a single moment. So let us +always do a kindness, and be over-rejoiced. To be sure!' + +He knocked the ashes out of his pipe, and put it on a ledge in the back +of his chair, expressly made for its reception. + +'There's Em'ly's cousin, him that she was to have been married to,' said +Mr. Omer, rubbing his hands feebly, 'as fine a fellow as there is in +Yarmouth! He'll come and talk or read to me, in the evening, for an hour +together sometimes. That's a kindness, I should call it! All his life's +a kindness.' + +'I am going to see him now,' said I. + +'Are you?' said Mr. Omer. 'Tell him I was hearty, and sent my respects. +Minnie and Joram's at a ball. They would be as proud to see you as I +am, if they was at home. Minnie won't hardly go out at all, you see, "on +account of father", as she says. So I swore tonight, that if she didn't +go, I'd go to bed at six. In consequence of which,' Mr. Omer shook +himself and his chair with laughter at the success of his device, 'she +and Joram's at a ball.' + +I shook hands with him, and wished him good night. + +'Half a minute, sir,' said Mr. Omer. 'If you was to go without seeing +my little elephant, you'd lose the best of sights. You never see such +a sight! Minnie!' A musical little voice answered, from somewhere +upstairs, 'I am coming, grandfather!' and a pretty little girl with +long, flaxen, curling hair, soon came running into the shop. + +'This is my little elephant, sir,' said Mr. Omer, fondling the child. +'Siamese breed, sir. Now, little elephant!' + +The little elephant set the door of the parlour open, enabling me to see +that, in these latter days, it was converted into a bedroom for Mr. +Omer who could not be easily conveyed upstairs; and then hid her pretty +forehead, and tumbled her long hair, against the back of Mr. Omer's +chair. + +'The elephant butts, you know, sir,' said Mr. Omer, winking, 'when he +goes at a object. Once, elephant. Twice. Three times!' + +At this signal, the little elephant, with a dexterity that was next to +marvellous in so small an animal, whisked the chair round with Mr. Omer +in it, and rattled it off, pell-mell, into the parlour, without touching +the door-post: Mr. Omer indescribably enjoying the performance, and +looking back at me on the road as if it were the triumphant issue of his +life's exertions. + +After a stroll about the town I went to Ham's house. Peggotty had now +removed here for good; and had let her own house to the successor of +Mr. Barkis in the carrying business, who had paid her very well for the +good-will, cart, and horse. I believe the very same slow horse that Mr. +Barkis drove was still at work. + +I found them in the neat kitchen, accompanied by Mrs. Gummidge, who had +been fetched from the old boat by Mr. Peggotty himself. I doubt if +she could have been induced to desert her post, by anyone else. He +had evidently told them all. Both Peggotty and Mrs. Gummidge had their +aprons to their eyes, and Ham had just stepped out 'to take a turn on +the beach'. He presently came home, very glad to see me; and I hope they +were all the better for my being there. We spoke, with some approach to +cheerfulness, of Mr. Peggotty's growing rich in a new country, and of +the wonders he would describe in his letters. We said nothing of Emily +by name, but distantly referred to her more than once. Ham was the +serenest of the party. + +But, Peggotty told me, when she lighted me to a little chamber where the +Crocodile book was lying ready for me on the table, that he always was +the same. She believed (she told me, crying) that he was broken-hearted; +though he was as full of courage as of sweetness, and worked harder and +better than any boat-builder in any yard in all that part. There were +times, she said, of an evening, when he talked of their old life in +the boat-house; and then he mentioned Emily as a child. But, he never +mentioned her as a woman. + +I thought I had read in his face that he would like to speak to me +alone. I therefore resolved to put myself in his way next evening, as he +came home from his work. Having settled this with myself, I fell asleep. +That night, for the first time in all those many nights, the candle was +taken out of the window, Mr. Peggotty swung in his old hammock in the +old boat, and the wind murmured with the old sound round his head. + +All next day, he was occupied in disposing of his fishing-boat and +tackle; in packing up, and sending to London by waggon, such of his +little domestic possessions as he thought would be useful to him; and in +parting with the rest, or bestowing them on Mrs. Gummidge. She was with +him all day. As I had a sorrowful wish to see the old place once more, +before it was locked up, I engaged to meet them there in the evening. +But I so arranged it, as that I should meet Ham first. + +It was easy to come in his way, as I knew where he worked. I met him +at a retired part of the sands, which I knew he would cross, and turned +back with him, that he might have leisure to speak to me if he really +wished. I had not mistaken the expression of his face. We had walked but +a little way together, when he said, without looking at me: + +'Mas'r Davy, have you seen her?' + +'Only for a moment, when she was in a swoon,' I softly answered. + +We walked a little farther, and he said: + +'Mas'r Davy, shall you see her, d'ye think?' + +'It would be too painful to her, perhaps,' said I. + +'I have thowt of that,' he replied. 'So 'twould, sir, so 'twould.' + +'But, Ham,' said I, gently, 'if there is anything that I could write +to her, for you, in case I could not tell it; if there is anything +you would wish to make known to her through me; I should consider it a +sacred trust.' + +'I am sure on't. I thankee, sir, most kind! I think theer is something I +could wish said or wrote.' + +'What is it?' + +We walked a little farther in silence, and then he spoke. + +''Tan't that I forgive her. 'Tan't that so much. 'Tis more as I beg of +her to forgive me, for having pressed my affections upon her. Odd times, +I think that if I hadn't had her promise fur to marry me, sir, she was +that trustful of me, in a friendly way, that she'd have told me what was +struggling in her mind, and would have counselled with me, and I might +have saved her.' + +I pressed his hand. 'Is that all?' 'Theer's yet a something else,' he +returned, 'if I can say it, Mas'r Davy.' + +We walked on, farther than we had walked yet, before he spoke again. He +was not crying when he made the pauses I shall express by lines. He was +merely collecting himself to speak very plainly. + +'I loved her--and I love the mem'ry of her--too deep--to be able to +lead her to believe of my own self as I'm a happy man. I could only be +happy--by forgetting of her--and I'm afeerd I couldn't hardly bear as +she should be told I done that. But if you, being so full of learning, +Mas'r Davy, could think of anything to say as might bring her to believe +I wasn't greatly hurt: still loving of her, and mourning for her: +anything as might bring her to believe as I was not tired of my life, +and yet was hoping fur to see her without blame, wheer the wicked cease +from troubling and the weary are at rest--anything as would ease her +sorrowful mind, and yet not make her think as I could ever marry, or as +'twas possible that anyone could ever be to me what she was--I should +ask of you to say that--with my prayers for her--that was so dear.' + +I pressed his manly hand again, and told him I would charge myself to do +this as well as I could. + +'I thankee, sir,' he answered. ''Twas kind of you to meet me. 'Twas kind +of you to bear him company down. Mas'r Davy, I unnerstan' very well, +though my aunt will come to Lon'on afore they sail, and they'll unite +once more, that I am not like to see him agen. I fare to feel sure on't. +We doen't say so, but so 'twill be, and better so. The last you see on +him--the very last--will you give him the lovingest duty and thanks of +the orphan, as he was ever more than a father to?' + +This I also promised, faithfully. + +'I thankee agen, sir,' he said, heartily shaking hands. 'I know wheer +you're a-going. Good-bye!' + +With a slight wave of his hand, as though to explain to me that he could +not enter the old place, he turned away. As I looked after his figure, +crossing the waste in the moonlight, I saw him turn his face towards a +strip of silvery light upon the sea, and pass on, looking at it, until +he was a shadow in the distance. + +The door of the boat-house stood open when I approached; and, on +entering, I found it emptied of all its furniture, saving one of the old +lockers, on which Mrs. Gummidge, with a basket on her knee, was seated, +looking at Mr. Peggotty. He leaned his elbow on the rough chimney-piece, +and gazed upon a few expiring embers in the grate; but he raised his +head, hopefully, on my coming in, and spoke in a cheery manner. + +'Come, according to promise, to bid farewell to 't, eh, Mas'r Davy?' +he said, taking up the candle. 'Bare enough, now, an't it?' 'Indeed you +have made good use of the time,' said I. + +'Why, we have not been idle, sir. Missis Gummidge has worked like a--I +doen't know what Missis Gummidge an't worked like,' said Mr. Peggotty, +looking at her, at a loss for a sufficiently approving simile. + +Mrs. Gummidge, leaning on her basket, made no observation. + +'Theer's the very locker that you used to sit on, 'long with Em'ly!' +said Mr. Peggotty, in a whisper. 'I'm a-going to carry it away with me, +last of all. And heer's your old little bedroom, see, Mas'r Davy! A'most +as bleak tonight, as 'art could wish!' + +In truth, the wind, though it was low, had a solemn sound, and crept +around the deserted house with a whispered wailing that was very +mournful. Everything was gone, down to the little mirror with the +oyster-shell frame. I thought of myself, lying here, when that first +great change was being wrought at home. I thought of the blue-eyed child +who had enchanted me. I thought of Steerforth: and a foolish, fearful +fancy came upon me of his being near at hand, and liable to be met at +any turn. + +''Tis like to be long,' said Mr. Peggotty, in a low voice, 'afore +the boat finds new tenants. They look upon 't, down heer, as being +unfortunate now!' + +'Does it belong to anybody in the neighbourhood?' I asked. + +'To a mast-maker up town,' said Mr. Peggotty. 'I'm a-going to give the +key to him tonight.' + +We looked into the other little room, and came back to Mrs. Gummidge, +sitting on the locker, whom Mr. Peggotty, putting the light on the +chimney-piece, requested to rise, that he might carry it outside the +door before extinguishing the candle. + +'Dan'l,' said Mrs. Gummidge, suddenly deserting her basket, and clinging +to his arm 'my dear Dan'l, the parting words I speak in this house is, I +mustn't be left behind. Doen't ye think of leaving me behind, Dan'l! Oh, +doen't ye ever do it!' + +Mr. Peggotty, taken aback, looked from Mrs. Gummidge to me, and from me +to Mrs. Gummidge, as if he had been awakened from a sleep. + +'Doen't ye, dearest Dan'l, doen't ye!' cried Mrs. Gummidge, fervently. +'Take me 'long with you, Dan'l, take me 'long with you and Em'ly! I'll +be your servant, constant and trew. If there's slaves in them parts +where you're a-going, I'll be bound to you for one, and happy, but +doen't ye leave me behind, Dan'l, that's a deary dear!' + +'My good soul,' said Mr. Peggotty, shaking his head, 'you doen't know +what a long voyage, and what a hard life 'tis!' 'Yes, I do, Dan'l! I can +guess!' cried Mrs. Gummidge. 'But my parting words under this roof is, +I shall go into the house and die, if I am not took. I can dig, Dan'l. +I can work. I can live hard. I can be loving and patient now--more than +you think, Dan'l, if you'll on'y try me. I wouldn't touch the 'lowance, +not if I was dying of want, Dan'l Peggotty; but I'll go with you and +Em'ly, if you'll on'y let me, to the world's end! I know how 'tis; I +know you think that I am lone and lorn; but, deary love, 'tan't so no +more! I ain't sat here, so long, a-watching, and a-thinking of your +trials, without some good being done me. Mas'r Davy, speak to him for +me! I knows his ways, and Em'ly's, and I knows their sorrows, and can be +a comfort to 'em, some odd times, and labour for 'em allus! Dan'l, deary +Dan'l, let me go 'long with you!' + +And Mrs. Gummidge took his hand, and kissed it with a homely pathos and +affection, in a homely rapture of devotion and gratitude, that he well +deserved. + +We brought the locker out, extinguished the candle, fastened the door +on the outside, and left the old boat close shut up, a dark speck in +the cloudy night. Next day, when we were returning to London outside the +coach, Mrs. Gummidge and her basket were on the seat behind, and Mrs. +Gummidge was happy. + + + +CHAPTER 52. I ASSIST AT AN EXPLOSION + + +When the time Mr. Micawber had appointed so mysteriously, was within +four-and-twenty hours of being come, my aunt and I consulted how we +should proceed; for my aunt was very unwilling to leave Dora. Ah! how +easily I carried Dora up and down stairs, now! + +We were disposed, notwithstanding Mr. Micawber's stipulation for my +aunt's attendance, to arrange that she should stay at home, and be +represented by Mr. Dick and me. In short, we had resolved to take this +course, when Dora again unsettled us by declaring that she never +would forgive herself, and never would forgive her bad boy, if my aunt +remained behind, on any pretence. + +'I won't speak to you,' said Dora, shaking her curls at my aunt. 'I'll +be disagreeable! I'll make Jip bark at you all day. I shall be sure that +you really are a cross old thing, if you don't go!' + +'Tut, Blossom!' laughed my aunt. 'You know you can't do without me!' + +'Yes, I can,' said Dora. 'You are no use to me at all. You never run up +and down stairs for me, all day long. You never sit and tell me stories +about Doady, when his shoes were worn out, and he was covered with +dust--oh, what a poor little mite of a fellow! You never do anything at +all to please me, do you, dear?' Dora made haste to kiss my aunt, and +say, 'Yes, you do! I'm only joking!'-lest my aunt should think she +really meant it. + +'But, aunt,' said Dora, coaxingly, 'now listen. You must go. I shall +tease you, 'till you let me have my own way about it. I shall lead my +naughty boy such a life, if he don't make you go. I shall make myself +so disagreeable--and so will Jip! You'll wish you had gone, like a good +thing, for ever and ever so long, if you don't go. Besides,' said Dora, +putting back her hair, and looking wonderingly at my aunt and me, 'why +shouldn't you both go? I am not very ill indeed. Am I?' + +'Why, what a question!' cried my aunt. + +'What a fancy!' said I. + +'Yes! I know I am a silly little thing!' said Dora, slowly looking from +one of us to the other, and then putting up her pretty lips to kiss us +as she lay upon her couch. 'Well, then, you must both go, or I shall not +believe you; and then I shall cry!' + +I saw, in my aunt's face, that she began to give way now, and Dora +brightened again, as she saw it too. + +'You'll come back with so much to tell me, that it'll take at least +a week to make me understand!' said Dora. 'Because I know I shan't +understand, for a length of time, if there's any business in it. And +there's sure to be some business in it! If there's anything to add up, +besides, I don't know when I shall make it out; and my bad boy will look +so miserable all the time. There! Now you'll go, won't you? You'll only +be gone one night, and Jip will take care of me while you are gone. +Doady will carry me upstairs before you go, and I won't come down again +till you come back; and you shall take Agnes a dreadfully scolding +letter from me, because she has never been to see us!' + +We agreed, without any more consultation, that we would both go, and +that Dora was a little Impostor, who feigned to be rather unwell, +because she liked to be petted. She was greatly pleased, and very merry; +and we four, that is to say, my aunt, Mr. Dick, Traddles, and I, went +down to Canterbury by the Dover mail that night. + +At the hotel where Mr. Micawber had requested us to await him, which +we got into, with some trouble, in the middle of the night, I found a +letter, importing that he would appear in the morning punctually at half +past nine. After which, we went shivering, at that uncomfortable hour, +to our respective beds, through various close passages; which smelt as +if they had been steeped, for ages, in a solution of soup and stables. + +Early in the morning, I sauntered through the dear old tranquil streets, +and again mingled with the shadows of the venerable gateways and +churches. The rooks were sailing about the cathedral towers; and the +towers themselves, overlooking many a long unaltered mile of the rich +country and its pleasant streams, were cutting the bright morning air, +as if there were no such thing as change on earth. Yet the bells, when +they sounded, told me sorrowfully of change in everything; told me of +their own age, and my pretty Dora's youth; and of the many, never old, +who had lived and loved and died, while the reverberations of the bells +had hummed through the rusty armour of the Black Prince hanging up +within, and, motes upon the deep of Time, had lost themselves in air, as +circles do in water. + +I looked at the old house from the corner of the street, but did not go +nearer to it, lest, being observed, I might unwittingly do any harm to +the design I had come to aid. The early sun was striking edgewise on its +gables and lattice-windows, touching them with gold; and some beams of +its old peace seemed to touch my heart. + +I strolled into the country for an hour or so, and then returned by +the main street, which in the interval had shaken off its last night's +sleep. Among those who were stirring in the shops, I saw my ancient +enemy the butcher, now advanced to top-boots and a baby, and in business +for himself. He was nursing the baby, and appeared to be a benignant +member of society. + +We all became very anxious and impatient, when we sat down to breakfast. +As it approached nearer and nearer to half past nine o'clock, our +restless expectation of Mr. Micawber increased. At last we made no more +pretence of attending to the meal, which, except with Mr. Dick, had been +a mere form from the first; but my aunt walked up and down the room. +Traddles sat upon the sofa affecting to read the paper with his eyes on +the ceiling; and I looked out of the window to give early notice of Mr. +Micawber's coming. Nor had I long to watch, for, at the first chime of +the half hour, he appeared in the street. + +'Here he is,' said I, 'and not in his legal attire!' + +My aunt tied the strings of her bonnet (she had come down to breakfast +in it), and put on her shawl, as if she were ready for anything that +was resolute and uncompromising. Traddles buttoned his coat with a +determined air. Mr. Dick, disturbed by these formidable appearances, but +feeling it necessary to imitate them, pulled his hat, with both hands, +as firmly over his ears as he possibly could; and instantly took it off +again, to welcome Mr. Micawber. + +'Gentlemen, and madam,' said Mr. Micawber, 'good morning! My dear sir,' +to Mr. Dick, who shook hands with him violently, 'you are extremely +good.' + +'Have you breakfasted?' said Mr. Dick. 'Have a chop!' + +'Not for the world, my good sir!' cried Mr. Micawber, stopping him on +his way to the bell; 'appetite and myself, Mr. Dixon, have long been +strangers.' + +Mr. Dixon was so well pleased with his new name, and appeared to think +it so obliging in Mr. Micawber to confer it upon him, that he shook +hands with him again, and laughed rather childishly. + +'Dick,' said my aunt, 'attention!' + +Mr. Dick recovered himself, with a blush. + +'Now, sir,' said my aunt to Mr. Micawber, as she put on her gloves, 'we +are ready for Mount Vesuvius, or anything else, as soon as YOU please.' + +'Madam,' returned Mr. Micawber, 'I trust you will shortly witness an +eruption. Mr. Traddles, I have your permission, I believe, to mention +here that we have been in communication together?' + +'It is undoubtedly the fact, Copperfield,' said Traddles, to whom I +looked in surprise. 'Mr. Micawber has consulted me in reference to +what he has in contemplation; and I have advised him to the best of my +judgement.' + +'Unless I deceive myself, Mr. Traddles,' pursued Mr. Micawber, 'what I +contemplate is a disclosure of an important nature.' + +'Highly so,' said Traddles. + +'Perhaps, under such circumstances, madam and gentlemen,' said Mr. +Micawber, 'you will do me the favour to submit yourselves, for the +moment, to the direction of one who, however unworthy to be regarded in +any other light but as a Waif and Stray upon the shore of human nature, +is still your fellow-man, though crushed out of his original form +by individual errors, and the accumulative force of a combination of +circumstances?' + +'We have perfect confidence in you, Mr. Micawber,' said I, 'and will do +what you please.' + +'Mr. Copperfield,' returned Mr. Micawber, 'your confidence is not, at +the existing juncture, ill-bestowed. I would beg to be allowed a start +of five minutes by the clock; and then to receive the present company, +inquiring for Miss Wickfield, at the office of Wickfield and Heep, whose +Stipendiary I am.' + +My aunt and I looked at Traddles, who nodded his approval. + +'I have no more,' observed Mr. Micawber, 'to say at present.' + +With which, to my infinite surprise, he included us all in a +comprehensive bow, and disappeared; his manner being extremely distant, +and his face extremely pale. + +Traddles only smiled, and shook his head (with his hair standing upright +on the top of it), when I looked to him for an explanation; so I took +out my watch, and, as a last resource, counted off the five minutes. My +aunt, with her own watch in her hand, did the like. When the time was +expired, Traddles gave her his arm; and we all went out together to the +old house, without saying one word on the way. + +We found Mr. Micawber at his desk, in the turret office on the +ground floor, either writing, or pretending to write, hard. The large +office-ruler was stuck into his waistcoat, and was not so well concealed +but that a foot or more of that instrument protruded from his bosom, +like a new kind of shirt-frill. + +As it appeared to me that I was expected to speak, I said aloud: + +'How do you do, Mr. Micawber?' + +'Mr. Copperfield,' said Mr. Micawber, gravely, 'I hope I see you well?' + +'Is Miss Wickfield at home?' said I. + +'Mr. Wickfield is unwell in bed, sir, of a rheumatic fever,' he +returned; 'but Miss Wickfield, I have no doubt, will be happy to see old +friends. Will you walk in, sir?' + +He preceded us to the dining-room--the first room I had entered in that +house--and flinging open the door of Mr. Wickfield's former office, +said, in a sonorous voice: + +'Miss Trotwood, Mr. David Copperfield, Mr. Thomas Traddles, and Mr. +Dixon!' + +I had not seen Uriah Heep since the time of the blow. Our visit +astonished him, evidently; not the less, I dare say, because it +astonished ourselves. He did not gather his eyebrows together, for he +had none worth mentioning; but he frowned to that degree that he almost +closed his small eyes, while the hurried raising of his grisly hand to +his chin betrayed some trepidation or surprise. This was only when we +were in the act of entering his room, and when I caught a glance at him +over my aunt's shoulder. A moment afterwards, he was as fawning and as +humble as ever. + +'Well, I am sure,' he said. 'This is indeed an unexpected pleasure! To +have, as I may say, all friends round St. Paul's at once, is a treat +unlooked for! Mr. Copperfield, I hope I see you well, and--if I may +umbly express myself so--friendly towards them as is ever your friends, +whether or not. Mrs. Copperfield, sir, I hope she's getting on. We have +been made quite uneasy by the poor accounts we have had of her state, +lately, I do assure you.' + +I felt ashamed to let him take my hand, but I did not know yet what else +to do. + +'Things are changed in this office, Miss Trotwood, since I was an umble +clerk, and held your pony; ain't they?' said Uriah, with his sickliest +smile. 'But I am not changed, Miss Trotwood.' + +'Well, sir,' returned my aunt, 'to tell you the truth, I think you are +pretty constant to the promise of your youth; if that's any satisfaction +to you.' + +'Thank you, Miss Trotwood,' said Uriah, writhing in his ungainly manner, +'for your good opinion! Micawber, tell 'em to let Miss Agnes know--and +mother. Mother will be quite in a state, when she sees the present +company!' said Uriah, setting chairs. + +'You are not busy, Mr. Heep?' said Traddles, whose eye the cunning red +eye accidentally caught, as it at once scrutinized and evaded us. + +'No, Mr. Traddles,' replied Uriah, resuming his official seat, and +squeezing his bony hands, laid palm to palm between his bony knees. 'Not +so much so as I could wish. But lawyers, sharks, and leeches, are not +easily satisfied, you know! Not but what myself and Micawber have our +hands pretty full, in general, on account of Mr. Wickfield's being +hardly fit for any occupation, sir. But it's a pleasure as well as a +duty, I am sure, to work for him. You've not been intimate with Mr. +Wickfield, I think, Mr. Traddles? I believe I've only had the honour of +seeing you once myself?' + +'No, I have not been intimate with Mr. Wickfield,' returned Traddles; +'or I might perhaps have waited on you long ago, Mr. Heep.' + +There was something in the tone of this reply, which made Uriah look at +the speaker again, with a very sinister and suspicious expression. But, +seeing only Traddles, with his good-natured face, simple manner, and +hair on end, he dismissed it as he replied, with a jerk of his whole +body, but especially his throat: + +'I am sorry for that, Mr. Traddles. You would have admired him as much +as we all do. His little failings would only have endeared him to you +the more. But if you would like to hear my fellow-partner eloquently +spoken of, I should refer you to Copperfield. The family is a subject +he's very strong upon, if you never heard him.' + +I was prevented from disclaiming the compliment (if I should have +done so, in any case), by the entrance of Agnes, now ushered in by Mr. +Micawber. She was not quite so self-possessed as usual, I thought; and +had evidently undergone anxiety and fatigue. But her earnest cordiality, +and her quiet beauty, shone with the gentler lustre for it. + +I saw Uriah watch her while she greeted us; and he reminded me of an +ugly and rebellious genie watching a good spirit. In the meanwhile, +some slight sign passed between Mr. Micawber and Traddles; and Traddles, +unobserved except by me, went out. + +'Don't wait, Micawber,' said Uriah. + +Mr. Micawber, with his hand upon the ruler in his breast, stood erect +before the door, most unmistakably contemplating one of his fellow-men, +and that man his employer. + +'What are you waiting for?' said Uriah. 'Micawber! did you hear me tell +you not to wait?' + +'Yes!' replied the immovable Mr. Micawber. + +'Then why DO you wait?' said Uriah. + +'Because I--in short, choose,' replied Mr. Micawber, with a burst. + +Uriah's cheeks lost colour, and an unwholesome paleness, still faintly +tinged by his pervading red, overspread them. He looked at Mr. Micawber +attentively, with his whole face breathing short and quick in every +feature. + +'You are a dissipated fellow, as all the world knows,' he said, with an +effort at a smile, 'and I am afraid you'll oblige me to get rid of you. +Go along! I'll talk to you presently.' + +'If there is a scoundrel on this earth,' said Mr. Micawber, suddenly +breaking out again with the utmost vehemence, 'with whom I have already +talked too much, that scoundrel's name is--HEEP!' + +Uriah fell back, as if he had been struck or stung. Looking slowly round +upon us with the darkest and wickedest expression that his face could +wear, he said, in a lower voice: + +'Oho! This is a conspiracy! You have met here by appointment! You are +playing Booty with my clerk, are you, Copperfield? Now, take care. +You'll make nothing of this. We understand each other, you and me. +There's no love between us. You were always a puppy with a proud +stomach, from your first coming here; and you envy me my rise, do you? +None of your plots against me; I'll counterplot you! Micawber, you be +off. I'll talk to you presently.' + +'Mr. Micawber,' said I, 'there is a sudden change in this fellow, in +more respects than the extraordinary one of his speaking the truth in +one particular, which assures me that he is brought to bay. Deal with +him as he deserves!' + +'You are a precious set of people, ain't you?' said Uriah, in the same +low voice, and breaking out into a clammy heat, which he wiped from his +forehead, with his long lean hand, 'to buy over my clerk, who is the +very scum of society,--as you yourself were, Copperfield, you know it, +before anyone had charity on you,--to defame me with his lies? Miss +Trotwood, you had better stop this; or I'll stop your husband shorter +than will be pleasant to you. I won't know your story professionally, +for nothing, old lady! Miss Wickfield, if you have any love for your +father, you had better not join that gang. I'll ruin him, if you do. +Now, come! I have got some of you under the harrow. Think twice, before +it goes over you. Think twice, you, Micawber, if you don't want to +be crushed. I recommend you to take yourself off, and be talked to +presently, you fool! while there's time to retreat. Where's mother?' he +said, suddenly appearing to notice, with alarm, the absence of Traddles, +and pulling down the bell-rope. 'Fine doings in a person's own house!' + +'Mrs. Heep is here, sir,' said Traddles, returning with that worthy +mother of a worthy son. 'I have taken the liberty of making myself known +to her.' + +'Who are you to make yourself known?' retorted Uriah. 'And what do you +want here?' + +'I am the agent and friend of Mr. Wickfield, sir,' said Traddles, in a +composed and business-like way. 'And I have a power of attorney from him +in my pocket, to act for him in all matters.' + +'The old ass has drunk himself into a state of dotage,' said Uriah, +turning uglier than before, 'and it has been got from him by fraud!' + +'Something has been got from him by fraud, I know,' returned Traddles +quietly; 'and so do you, Mr. Heep. We will refer that question, if you +please, to Mr. Micawber.' + +'Ury--!' Mrs. Heep began, with an anxious gesture. + +'YOU hold your tongue, mother,' he returned; 'least said, soonest +mended.' + +'But, my Ury--' + +'Will you hold your tongue, mother, and leave it to me?' + +Though I had long known that his servility was false, and all his +pretences knavish and hollow, I had had no adequate conception of the +extent of his hypocrisy, until I now saw him with his mask off. The +suddenness with which he dropped it, when he perceived that it was +useless to him; the malice, insolence, and hatred, he revealed; the leer +with which he exulted, even at this moment, in the evil he had done--all +this time being desperate too, and at his wits' end for the means +of getting the better of us--though perfectly consistent with the +experience I had of him, at first took even me by surprise, who had +known him so long, and disliked him so heartily. + +I say nothing of the look he conferred on me, as he stood eyeing us, +one after another; for I had always understood that he hated me, and I +remembered the marks of my hand upon his cheek. But when his eyes passed +on to Agnes, and I saw the rage with which he felt his power over her +slipping away, and the exhibition, in their disappointment, of the +odious passions that had led him to aspire to one whose virtues he could +never appreciate or care for, I was shocked by the mere thought of her +having lived, an hour, within sight of such a man. + +After some rubbing of the lower part of his face, and some looking at us +with those bad eyes, over his grisly fingers, he made one more address +to me, half whining, and half abusive. + +'You think it justifiable, do you, Copperfield, you who pride yourself +so much on your honour and all the rest of it, to sneak about my place, +eaves-dropping with my clerk? If it had been ME, I shouldn't have +wondered; for I don't make myself out a gentleman (though I never was +in the streets either, as you were, according to Micawber), but being +you!--And you're not afraid of doing this, either? You don't think at +all of what I shall do, in return; or of getting yourself into +trouble for conspiracy and so forth? Very well. We shall see! Mr. +What's-your-name, you were going to refer some question to Micawber. +There's your referee. Why don't you make him speak? He has learnt his +lesson, I see.' + +Seeing that what he said had no effect on me or any of us, he sat on the +edge of his table with his hands in his pockets, and one of his splay +feet twisted round the other leg, waiting doggedly for what might +follow. + +Mr. Micawber, whose impetuosity I had restrained thus far with the +greatest difficulty, and who had repeatedly interposed with the first +syllable of SCOUN-drel! without getting to the second, now burst +forward, drew the ruler from his breast (apparently as a defensive +weapon), and produced from his pocket a foolscap document, folded in the +form of a large letter. Opening this packet, with his old flourish, and +glancing at the contents, as if he cherished an artistic admiration of +their style of composition, he began to read as follows: + + +'"Dear Miss Trotwood and gentlemen--"' + +'Bless and save the man!' exclaimed my aunt in a low voice. 'He'd write +letters by the ream, if it was a capital offence!' + +Mr. Micawber, without hearing her, went on. + +'"In appearing before you to denounce probably the most consummate +Villain that has ever existed,"' Mr. Micawber, without looking off the +letter, pointed the ruler, like a ghostly truncheon, at Uriah Heep, +'"I ask no consideration for myself. The victim, from my cradle, of +pecuniary liabilities to which I have been unable to respond, I have +ever been the sport and toy of debasing circumstances. Ignominy, +Want, Despair, and Madness, have, collectively or separately, been the +attendants of my career."' + +The relish with which Mr. Micawber described himself as a prey to these +dismal calamities, was only to be equalled by the emphasis with which he +read his letter; and the kind of homage he rendered to it with a roll of +his head, when he thought he had hit a sentence very hard indeed. + +'"In an accumulation of Ignominy, Want, Despair, and Madness, I entered +the office--or, as our lively neighbour the Gaul would term it, the +Bureau--of the Firm, nominally conducted under the appellation of +Wickfield and--HEEP, but in reality, wielded by--HEEP alone. HEEP, and +only HEEP, is the mainspring of that machine. HEEP, and only HEEP, is +the Forger and the Cheat."' + +Uriah, more blue than white at these words, made a dart at the letter, +as if to tear it in pieces. Mr. Micawber, with a perfect miracle of +dexterity or luck, caught his advancing knuckles with the ruler, and +disabled his right hand. It dropped at the wrist, as if it were broken. +The blow sounded as if it had fallen on wood. + +'The Devil take you!' said Uriah, writhing in a new way with pain. 'I'll +be even with you.' + +'Approach me again, you--you--you HEEP of infamy,' gasped Mr. Micawber, +'and if your head is human, I'll break it. Come on, come on!' + +I think I never saw anything more ridiculous--I was sensible of it, even +at the time--than Mr. Micawber making broad-sword guards with the ruler, +and crying, 'Come on!' while Traddles and I pushed him back into a +corner, from which, as often as we got him into it, he persisted in +emerging again. + +His enemy, muttering to himself, after wringing his wounded hand for +sometime, slowly drew off his neck-kerchief and bound it up; then +held it in his other hand, and sat upon his table with his sullen face +looking down. + +Mr. Micawber, when he was sufficiently cool, proceeded with his letter. + +'"The stipendiary emoluments in consideration of which I entered into +the service of--HEEP,"' always pausing before that word and uttering +it with astonishing vigour, '"were not defined, beyond the pittance of +twenty-two shillings and six per week. The rest was left contingent on +the value of my professional exertions; in other and more expressive +words, on the baseness of my nature, the cupidity of my motives, the +poverty of my family, the general moral (or rather immoral) resemblance +between myself and--HEEP. Need I say, that it soon became necessary for +me to solicit from--HEEP--pecuniary advances towards the support of +Mrs. Micawber, and our blighted but rising family? Need I say that this +necessity had been foreseen by--HEEP? That those advances were secured +by I.O.U.'s and other similar acknowledgements, known to the legal +institutions of this country? And that I thus became immeshed in the web +he had spun for my reception?"' + +Mr. Micawber's enjoyment of his epistolary powers, in describing this +unfortunate state of things, really seemed to outweigh any pain or +anxiety that the reality could have caused him. He read on: + +'"Then it was that--HEEP--began to favour me with just so much of his +confidence, as was necessary to the discharge of his infernal business. +Then it was that I began, if I may so Shakespearianly express myself, to +dwindle, peak, and pine. I found that my services were constantly +called into requisition for the falsification of business, and the +mystification of an individual whom I will designate as Mr. W. That Mr. +W. was imposed upon, kept in ignorance, and deluded, in every possible +way; yet, that all this while, the ruffian--HEEP--was professing +unbounded gratitude to, and unbounded friendship for, that much-abused +gentleman. This was bad enough; but, as the philosophic Dane observes, +with that universal applicability which distinguishes the illustrious +ornament of the Elizabethan Era, worse remains behind!"' + +Mr. Micawber was so very much struck by this happy rounding off with a +quotation, that he indulged himself, and us, with a second reading of +the sentence, under pretence of having lost his place. + +'"It is not my intention,"' he continued reading on, '"to enter on a +detailed list, within the compass of the present epistle (though it +is ready elsewhere), of the various malpractices of a minor nature, +affecting the individual whom I have denominated Mr. W., to which I +have been a tacitly consenting party. My object, when the contest within +myself between stipend and no stipend, baker and no baker, existence +and non-existence, ceased, was to take advantage of my opportunities +to discover and expose the major malpractices committed, to that +gentleman's grievous wrong and injury, by--HEEP. Stimulated by the +silent monitor within, and by a no less touching and appealing monitor +without--to whom I will briefly refer as Miss W.--I entered on a not +unlaborious task of clandestine investigation, protracted--now, to the +best of my knowledge, information, and belief, over a period exceeding +twelve calendar months."' + +He read this passage as if it were from an Act of Parliament; and +appeared majestically refreshed by the sound of the words. + +'"My charges against--HEEP,"' he read on, glancing at him, and drawing +the ruler into a convenient position under his left arm, in case of +need, '"are as follows."' + +We all held our breath, I think. I am sure Uriah held his. + +'"First,"' said Mr. Micawber, '"When Mr. W.'s faculties and memory +for business became, through causes into which it is not necessary or +expedient for me to enter, weakened and confused,--HEEP--designedly +perplexed and complicated the whole of the official transactions. When +Mr. W. was least fit to enter on business,--HEEP was always at hand +to force him to enter on it. He obtained Mr. W.'s signature under such +circumstances to documents of importance, representing them to be other +documents of no importance. He induced Mr. W. to empower him to draw +out, thus, one particular sum of trust-money, amounting to twelve six +fourteen, two and nine, and employed it to meet pretended business +charges and deficiencies which were either already provided for, or +had never really existed. He gave this proceeding, throughout, the +appearance of having originated in Mr. W.'s own dishonest intention, and +of having been accomplished by Mr. W.'s own dishonest act; and has used +it, ever since, to torture and constrain him."' + +'You shall prove this, you Copperfield!' said Uriah, with a threatening +shake of the head. 'All in good time!' + +'Ask--HEEP--Mr. Traddles, who lived in his house after him,' said Mr. +Micawber, breaking off from the letter; 'will you?' + +'The fool himself--and lives there now,' said Uriah, disdainfully. + +'Ask--HEEP--if he ever kept a pocket-book in that house,' said Mr. +Micawber; 'will you?' + +I saw Uriah's lank hand stop, involuntarily, in the scraping of his +chin. + +'Or ask him,' said Mr. Micawber,'if he ever burnt one there. If he says +yes, and asks you where the ashes are, refer him to Wilkins Micawber, +and he will hear of something not at all to his advantage!' + +The triumphant flourish with which Mr. Micawber delivered himself of +these words, had a powerful effect in alarming the mother; who cried +out, in much agitation: + +'Ury, Ury! Be umble, and make terms, my dear!' + +'Mother!' he retorted, 'will you keep quiet? You're in a fright, and +don't know what you say or mean. Umble!' he repeated, looking at me, +with a snarl; 'I've umbled some of 'em for a pretty long time back, +umble as I was!' + +Mr. Micawber, genteelly adjusting his chin in his cravat, presently +proceeded with his composition. + +'"Second. HEEP has, on several occasions, to the best of my knowledge, +information, and belief--"' + +'But that won't do,' muttered Uriah, relieved. 'Mother, you keep quiet.' + +'We will endeavour to provide something that WILL do, and do for you +finally, sir, very shortly,' replied Mr. Micawber. + +'"Second. HEEP has, on several occasions, to the best of my knowledge, +information, and belief, systematically forged, to various entries, +books, and documents, the signature of Mr. W.; and has distinctly done +so in one instance, capable of proof by me. To wit, in manner following, +that is to say:"' + +Again, Mr. Micawber had a relish in this formal piling up of words, +which, however ludicrously displayed in his case, was, I must say, not +at all peculiar to him. I have observed it, in the course of my life, +in numbers of men. It seems to me to be a general rule. In the taking of +legal oaths, for instance, deponents seem to enjoy themselves mightily +when they come to several good words in succession, for the expression +of one idea; as, that they utterly detest, abominate, and abjure, or so +forth; and the old anathemas were made relishing on the same principle. +We talk about the tyranny of words, but we like to tyrannize over them +too; we are fond of having a large superfluous establishment of words to +wait upon us on great occasions; we think it looks important, and sounds +well. As we are not particular about the meaning of our liveries on +state occasions, if they be but fine and numerous enough, so, the +meaning or necessity of our words is a secondary consideration, if there +be but a great parade of them. And as individuals get into trouble by +making too great a show of liveries, or as slaves when they are too +numerous rise against their masters, so I think I could mention a +nation that has got into many great difficulties, and will get into many +greater, from maintaining too large a retinue of words. + +Mr. Micawber read on, almost smacking his lips: + +'"To wit, in manner following, that is to say. Mr. W. being infirm, and +it being within the bounds of probability that his decease might lead +to some discoveries, and to the downfall of--HEEP'S--power over the W. +family,--as I, Wilkins Micawber, the undersigned, assume--unless the +filial affection of his daughter could be secretly influenced from +allowing any investigation of the partnership affairs to be ever made, +the said--HEEP--deemed it expedient to have a bond ready by him, as from +Mr. W., for the before-mentioned sum of twelve six fourteen, two and +nine, with interest, stated therein to have been advanced by--HEEP--to +Mr. W. to save Mr. W. from dishonour; though really the sum was never +advanced by him, and has long been replaced. The signatures to this +instrument purporting to be executed by Mr. W. and attested by Wilkins +Micawber, are forgeries by--HEEP. I have, in my possession, in his hand +and pocket-book, several similar imitations of Mr. W.'s signature, here +and there defaced by fire, but legible to anyone. I never attested any +such document. And I have the document itself, in my possession."' Uriah +Heep, with a start, took out of his pocket a bunch of keys, and opened +a certain drawer; then, suddenly bethought himself of what he was about, +and turned again towards us, without looking in it. + +'"And I have the document,"' Mr. Micawber read again, looking about as +if it were the text of a sermon, '"in my possession,--that is to say, +I had, early this morning, when this was written, but have since +relinquished it to Mr. Traddles."' + +'It is quite true,' assented Traddles. + +'Ury, Ury!' cried the mother, 'be umble and make terms. I know my +son will be umble, gentlemen, if you'll give him time to think. Mr. +Copperfield, I'm sure you know that he was always very umble, sir!' + +It was singular to see how the mother still held to the old trick, when +the son had abandoned it as useless. + +'Mother,' he said, with an impatient bite at the handkerchief in which +his hand was wrapped, 'you had better take and fire a loaded gun at me.' + +'But I love you, Ury,' cried Mrs. Heep. And I have no doubt she did; or +that he loved her, however strange it may appear; though, to be sure, +they were a congenial couple. 'And I can't bear to hear you provoking +the gentlemen, and endangering of yourself more. I told the gentleman +at first, when he told me upstairs it was come to light, that I would +answer for your being umble, and making amends. Oh, see how umble I am, +gentlemen, and don't mind him!' + +'Why, there's Copperfield, mother,' he angrily retorted, pointing his +lean finger at me, against whom all his animosity was levelled, as the +prime mover in the discovery; and I did not undeceive him; 'there's +Copperfield, would have given you a hundred pound to say less than +you've blurted out!' + +'I can't help it, Ury,' cried his mother. 'I can't see you running into +danger, through carrying your head so high. Better be umble, as you +always was.' + +He remained for a little, biting the handkerchief, and then said to me +with a scowl: + +'What more have you got to bring forward? If anything, go on with it. +What do you look at me for?' + +Mr. Micawber promptly resumed his letter, glad to revert to a +performance with which he was so highly satisfied. + +'"Third. And last. I am now in a condition to show, by--HEEP'S--false +books, and--HEEP'S--real memoranda, beginning with the partially +destroyed pocket-book (which I was unable to comprehend, at the time of +its accidental discovery by Mrs. Micawber, on our taking possession of +our present abode, in the locker or bin devoted to the reception of the +ashes calcined on our domestic hearth), that the weaknesses, the faults, +the very virtues, the parental affections, and the sense of honour, of +the unhappy Mr. W. have been for years acted on by, and warped to the +base purposes of--HEEP. That Mr. W. has been for years deluded and +plundered, in every conceivable manner, to the pecuniary aggrandisement +of the avaricious, false, and grasping--HEEP. That the engrossing object +of--HEEP--was, next to gain, to subdue Mr. and Miss W. (of his ulterior +views in reference to the latter I say nothing) entirely to himself. +That his last act, completed but a few months since, was to induce Mr. +W. to execute a relinquishment of his share in the partnership, and even +a bill of sale on the very furniture of his house, in consideration of a +certain annuity, to be well and truly paid by--HEEP--on the four common +quarter-days in each and every year. That these meshes; beginning with +alarming and falsified accounts of the estate of which Mr. W. is the +receiver, at a period when Mr. W. had launched into imprudent and +ill-judged speculations, and may not have had the money, for which he +was morally and legally responsible, in hand; going on with pretended +borrowings of money at enormous interest, really coming from--HEEP--and +by--HEEP--fraudulently obtained or withheld from Mr. W. himself, +on pretence of such speculations or otherwise; perpetuated by a +miscellaneous catalogue of unscrupulous chicaneries--gradually +thickened, until the unhappy Mr. W. could see no world beyond. Bankrupt, +as he believed, alike in circumstances, in all other hope, and +in honour, his sole reliance was upon the monster in the garb of +man,"'--Mr. Micawber made a good deal of this, as a new turn of +expression,--'"who, by making himself necessary to him, had achieved his +destruction. All this I undertake to show. Probably much more!"' + +I whispered a few words to Agnes, who was weeping, half joyfully, half +sorrowfully, at my side; and there was a movement among us, as if Mr. +Micawber had finished. He said, with exceeding gravity, 'Pardon me,' +and proceeded, with a mixture of the lowest spirits and the most intense +enjoyment, to the peroration of his letter. + +'"I have now concluded. It merely remains for me to substantiate these +accusations; and then, with my ill-starred family, to disappear from the +landscape on which we appear to be an encumbrance. That is soon done. It +may be reasonably inferred that our baby will first expire of inanition, +as being the frailest member of our circle; and that our twins will +follow next in order. So be it! For myself, my Canterbury Pilgrimage has +done much; imprisonment on civil process, and want, will soon do more. +I trust that the labour and hazard of an investigation--of which the +smallest results have been slowly pieced together, in the pressure of +arduous avocations, under grinding penurious apprehensions, at rise of +morn, at dewy eve, in the shadows of night, under the watchful eye of +one whom it were superfluous to call Demon--combined with the struggle +of parental Poverty to turn it, when completed, to the right account, +may be as the sprinkling of a few drops of sweet water on my funeral +pyre. I ask no more. Let it be, in justice, merely said of me, as of a +gallant and eminent naval Hero, with whom I have no pretensions to +cope, that what I have done, I did, in despite of mercenary and selfish +objects, + + For England, home, and Beauty. + + '"Remaining always, &c. &c., WILKINS MICAWBER."' + + +Much affected, but still intensely enjoying himself, Mr. Micawber folded +up his letter, and handed it with a bow to my aunt, as something she +might like to keep. + +There was, as I had noticed on my first visit long ago, an iron safe in +the room. The key was in it. A hasty suspicion seemed to strike Uriah; +and, with a glance at Mr. Micawber, he went to it, and threw the doors +clanking open. It was empty. + +'Where are the books?' he cried, with a frightful face. 'Some thief has +stolen the books!' + +Mr. Micawber tapped himself with the ruler. 'I did, when I got the key +from you as usual--but a little earlier--and opened it this morning.' + +'Don't be uneasy,' said Traddles. 'They have come into my possession. I +will take care of them, under the authority I mentioned.' + +'You receive stolen goods, do you?' cried Uriah. + +'Under such circumstances,' answered Traddles, 'yes.' + +What was my astonishment when I beheld my aunt, who had been profoundly +quiet and attentive, make a dart at Uriah Heep, and seize him by the +collar with both hands! + +'You know what I want?' said my aunt. + +'A strait-waistcoat,' said he. + +'No. My property!' returned my aunt. 'Agnes, my dear, as long as +I believed it had been really made away with by your father, I +wouldn't--and, my dear, I didn't, even to Trot, as he knows--breathe a +syllable of its having been placed here for investment. But, now I know +this fellow's answerable for it, and I'll have it! Trot, come and take +it away from him!' + +Whether my aunt supposed, for the moment, that he kept her property in +his neck-kerchief, I am sure I don't know; but she certainly pulled at +it as if she thought so. I hastened to put myself between them, and to +assure her that we would all take care that he should make the utmost +restitution of everything he had wrongly got. This, and a few moments' +reflection, pacified her; but she was not at all disconcerted by what +she had done (though I cannot say as much for her bonnet) and resumed +her seat composedly. + +During the last few minutes, Mrs. Heep had been clamouring to her son +to be 'umble'; and had been going down on her knees to all of us in +succession, and making the wildest promises. Her son sat her down in his +chair; and, standing sulkily by her, holding her arm with his hand, but +not rudely, said to me, with a ferocious look: + +'What do you want done?' + +'I will tell you what must be done,' said Traddles. + +'Has that Copperfield no tongue?' muttered Uriah, 'I would do a good +deal for you if you could tell me, without lying, that somebody had cut +it out.' + +'My Uriah means to be umble!' cried his mother. 'Don't mind what he +says, good gentlemen!' + +'What must be done,' said Traddles, 'is this. First, the deed of +relinquishment, that we have heard of, must be given over to me +now--here.' + +'Suppose I haven't got it,' he interrupted. + +'But you have,' said Traddles; 'therefore, you know, we won't suppose +so.' And I cannot help avowing that this was the first occasion on +which I really did justice to the clear head, and the plain, patient, +practical good sense, of my old schoolfellow. 'Then,' said Traddles, +'you must prepare to disgorge all that your rapacity has become +possessed of, and to make restoration to the last farthing. All the +partnership books and papers must remain in our possession; all your +books and papers; all money accounts and securities, of both kinds. In +short, everything here.' + +'Must it? I don't know that,' said Uriah. 'I must have time to think +about that.' + +'Certainly,' replied Traddles; 'but, in the meanwhile, and until +everything is done to our satisfaction, we shall maintain possession +of these things; and beg you--in short, compel you--to keep to your own +room, and hold no communication with anyone.' + +'I won't do it!' said Uriah, with an oath. + +'Maidstone jail is a safer place of detention,' observed Traddles; 'and +though the law may be longer in righting us, and may not be able to +right us so completely as you can, there is no doubt of its punishing +YOU. Dear me, you know that quite as well as I! Copperfield, will you go +round to the Guildhall, and bring a couple of officers?' + +Here, Mrs. Heep broke out again, crying on her knees to Agnes to +interfere in their behalf, exclaiming that he was very humble, and it +was all true, and if he didn't do what we wanted, she would, and much +more to the same purpose; being half frantic with fears for her darling. +To inquire what he might have done, if he had had any boldness, would +be like inquiring what a mongrel cur might do, if it had the spirit of +a tiger. He was a coward, from head to foot; and showed his dastardly +nature through his sullenness and mortification, as much as at any time +of his mean life. + +'Stop!' he growled to me; and wiped his hot face with his hand. 'Mother, +hold your noise. Well! Let 'em have that deed. Go and fetch it!' + +'Do you help her, Mr. Dick,' said Traddles, 'if you please.' + +Proud of his commission, and understanding it, Mr. Dick accompanied her +as a shepherd's dog might accompany a sheep. But, Mrs. Heep gave him +little trouble; for she not only returned with the deed, but with the +box in which it was, where we found a banker's book and some other +papers that were afterwards serviceable. + +'Good!' said Traddles, when this was brought. 'Now, Mr. Heep, you can +retire to think: particularly observing, if you please, that I declare +to you, on the part of all present, that there is only one thing to be +done; that it is what I have explained; and that it must be done without +delay.' + +Uriah, without lifting his eyes from the ground, shuffled across the +room with his hand to his chin, and pausing at the door, said: + +'Copperfield, I have always hated you. You've always been an upstart, +and you've always been against me.' + +'As I think I told you once before,' said I, 'it is you who have been, +in your greed and cunning, against all the world. It may be profitable +to you to reflect, in future, that there never were greed and cunning in +the world yet, that did not do too much, and overreach themselves. It is +as certain as death.' + +'Or as certain as they used to teach at school (the same school where I +picked up so much umbleness), from nine o'clock to eleven, that labour +was a curse; and from eleven o'clock to one, that it was a blessing and +a cheerfulness, and a dignity, and I don't know what all, eh?' said +he with a sneer. 'You preach, about as consistent as they did. +Won't umbleness go down? I shouldn't have got round my gentleman +fellow-partner without it, I think. --Micawber, you old bully, I'll pay +YOU!' + +Mr. Micawber, supremely defiant of him and his extended finger, and +making a great deal of his chest until he had slunk out at the door, +then addressed himself to me, and proffered me the satisfaction of +'witnessing the re-establishment of mutual confidence between himself +and Mrs. Micawber'. After which, he invited the company generally to the +contemplation of that affecting spectacle. + +'The veil that has long been interposed between Mrs. Micawber and +myself, is now withdrawn,' said Mr. Micawber; 'and my children and the +Author of their Being can once more come in contact on equal terms.' + +As we were all very grateful to him, and all desirous to show that we +were, as well as the hurry and disorder of our spirits would permit, I +dare say we should all have gone, but that it was necessary for Agnes to +return to her father, as yet unable to bear more than the dawn of +hope; and for someone else to hold Uriah in safe keeping. So, Traddles +remained for the latter purpose, to be presently relieved by Mr. Dick; +and Mr. Dick, my aunt, and I, went home with Mr. Micawber. As I parted +hurriedly from the dear girl to whom I owed so much, and thought from +what she had been saved, perhaps, that morning--her better resolution +notwithstanding--I felt devoutly thankful for the miseries of my younger +days which had brought me to the knowledge of Mr. Micawber. + +His house was not far off; and as the street door opened into the +sitting-room, and he bolted in with a precipitation quite his own, +we found ourselves at once in the bosom of the family. Mr. Micawber +exclaiming, 'Emma! my life!' rushed into Mrs. Micawber's arms. Mrs. +Micawber shrieked, and folded Mr. Micawber in her embrace. Miss +Micawber, nursing the unconscious stranger of Mrs. Micawber's last +letter to me, was sensibly affected. The stranger leaped. The twins +testified their joy by several inconvenient but innocent demonstrations. +Master Micawber, whose disposition appeared to have been soured by +early disappointment, and whose aspect had become morose, yielded to his +better feelings, and blubbered. + +'Emma!' said Mr. Micawber. 'The cloud is past from my mind. Mutual +confidence, so long preserved between us once, is restored, to know +no further interruption. Now, welcome poverty!' cried Mr. Micawber, +shedding tears. 'Welcome misery, welcome houselessness, welcome hunger, +rags, tempest, and beggary! Mutual confidence will sustain us to the +end!' + +With these expressions, Mr. Micawber placed Mrs. Micawber in a chair, +and embraced the family all round; welcoming a variety of bleak +prospects, which appeared, to the best of my judgement, to be anything +but welcome to them; and calling upon them to come out into Canterbury +and sing a chorus, as nothing else was left for their support. + +But Mrs. Micawber having, in the strength of her emotions, fainted away, +the first thing to be done, even before the chorus could be considered +complete, was to recover her. This my aunt and Mr. Micawber did; and +then my aunt was introduced, and Mrs. Micawber recognized me. + +'Excuse me, dear Mr. Copperfield,' said the poor lady, giving me her +hand, 'but I am not strong; and the removal of the late misunderstanding +between Mr. Micawber and myself was at first too much for me.' + +'Is this all your family, ma'am?' said my aunt. + +'There are no more at present,' returned Mrs. Micawber. + +'Good gracious, I didn't mean that, ma'am,' said my aunt. 'I mean, are +all these yours?' + +'Madam,' replied Mr. Micawber, 'it is a true bill.' + +'And that eldest young gentleman, now,' said my aunt, musing, 'what has +he been brought up to?' + +'It was my hope when I came here,' said Mr. Micawber, 'to have got +Wilkins into the Church: or perhaps I shall express my meaning more +strictly, if I say the Choir. But there was no vacancy for a tenor in +the venerable Pile for which this city is so justly eminent; and he +has--in short, he has contracted a habit of singing in public-houses, +rather than in sacred edifices.' + +'But he means well,' said Mrs. Micawber, tenderly. + +'I dare say, my love,' rejoined Mr. Micawber, 'that he means +particularly well; but I have not yet found that he carries out his +meaning, in any given direction whatsoever.' + +Master Micawber's moroseness of aspect returned upon him again, and he +demanded, with some temper, what he was to do? Whether he had been born +a carpenter, or a coach-painter, any more than he had been born a bird? +Whether he could go into the next street, and open a chemist's shop? +Whether he could rush to the next assizes, and proclaim himself a +lawyer? Whether he could come out by force at the opera, and succeed +by violence? Whether he could do anything, without being brought up to +something? + +My aunt mused a little while, and then said: + +'Mr. Micawber, I wonder you have never turned your thoughts to +emigration.' + +'Madam,' returned Mr. Micawber, 'it was the dream of my youth, and the +fallacious aspiration of my riper years.' I am thoroughly persuaded, by +the by, that he had never thought of it in his life. + +'Aye?' said my aunt, with a glance at me. 'Why, what a thing it would +be for yourselves and your family, Mr. and Mrs. Micawber, if you were to +emigrate now.' + +'Capital, madam, capital,' urged Mr. Micawber, gloomily. + +'That is the principal, I may say the only difficulty, my dear Mr. +Copperfield,' assented his wife. + +'Capital?' cried my aunt. 'But you are doing us a great service--have +done us a great service, I may say, for surely much will come out of +the fire--and what could we do for you, that would be half so good as to +find the capital?' + +'I could not receive it as a gift,' said Mr. Micawber, full of fire and +animation, 'but if a sufficient sum could be advanced, say at five per +cent interest, per annum, upon my personal liability--say my notes of +hand, at twelve, eighteen, and twenty-four months, respectively, to +allow time for something to turn up--' + +'Could be? Can be and shall be, on your own terms,' returned my aunt, +'if you say the word. Think of this now, both of you. Here are some +people David knows, going out to Australia shortly. If you decide to go, +why shouldn't you go in the same ship? You may help each other. Think of +this now, Mr. and Mrs. Micawber. Take your time, and weigh it well.' + +'There is but one question, my dear ma'am, I could wish to ask,' said +Mrs. Micawber. 'The climate, I believe, is healthy?' + +'Finest in the world!' said my aunt. + +'Just so,' returned Mrs. Micawber. 'Then my question arises. Now, are +the circumstances of the country such, that a man of Mr. Micawber's +abilities would have a fair chance of rising in the social scale? I will +not say, at present, might he aspire to be Governor, or anything of that +sort; but would there be a reasonable opening for his talents to +develop themselves--that would be amply sufficient--and find their own +expansion?' + +'No better opening anywhere,' said my aunt, 'for a man who conducts +himself well, and is industrious.' + +'For a man who conducts himself well,' repeated Mrs. Micawber, with her +clearest business manner, 'and is industrious. Precisely. It is +evident to me that Australia is the legitimate sphere of action for Mr. +Micawber!' + +'I entertain the conviction, my dear madam,' said Mr. Micawber, 'that +it is, under existing circumstances, the land, the only land, for myself +and family; and that something of an extraordinary nature will turn up +on that shore. It is no distance--comparatively speaking; and though +consideration is due to the kindness of your proposal, I assure you that +is a mere matter of form.' + +Shall I ever forget how, in a moment, he was the most sanguine of men, +looking on to fortune; or how Mrs. Micawber presently discoursed +about the habits of the kangaroo! Shall I ever recall that street of +Canterbury on a market-day, without recalling him, as he walked +back with us; expressing, in the hardy roving manner he assumed, the +unsettled habits of a temporary sojourner in the land; and looking at +the bullocks, as they came by, with the eye of an Australian farmer! + + + +CHAPTER 53. ANOTHER RETROSPECT + + +I must pause yet once again. O, my child-wife, there is a figure in the +moving crowd before my memory, quiet and still, saying in its innocent +love and childish beauty, Stop to think of me--turn to look upon the +Little Blossom, as it flutters to the ground! + +I do. All else grows dim, and fades away. I am again with Dora, in our +cottage. I do not know how long she has been ill. I am so used to it in +feeling, that I cannot count the time. It is not really long, in weeks +or months; but, in my usage and experience, it is a weary, weary while. + +They have left off telling me to 'wait a few days more'. I have begun +to fear, remotely, that the day may never shine, when I shall see my +child-wife running in the sunlight with her old friend Jip. + +He is, as it were suddenly, grown very old. It may be that he misses in +his mistress, something that enlivened him and made him younger; but he +mopes, and his sight is weak, and his limbs are feeble, and my aunt is +sorry that he objects to her no more, but creeps near her as he lies on +Dora's bed--she sitting at the bedside--and mildly licks her hand. + +Dora lies smiling on us, and is beautiful, and utters no hasty or +complaining word. She says that we are very good to her; that her dear +old careful boy is tiring himself out, she knows; that my aunt has no +sleep, yet is always wakeful, active, and kind. Sometimes, the +little bird-like ladies come to see her; and then we talk about our +wedding-day, and all that happy time. + +What a strange rest and pause in my life there seems to be--and in all +life, within doors and without--when I sit in the quiet, shaded, orderly +room, with the blue eyes of my child-wife turned towards me, and her +little fingers twining round my hand! Many and many an hour I sit thus; +but, of all those times, three times come the freshest on my mind. + + +It is morning; and Dora, made so trim by my aunt's hands, shows me how +her pretty hair will curl upon the pillow yet, an how long and bright it +is, and how she likes to have it loosely gathered in that net she wears. + +'Not that I am vain of it, now, you mocking boy,' she says, when I +smile; 'but because you used to say you thought it so beautiful; and +because, when I first began to think about you, I used to peep in the +glass, and wonder whether you would like very much to have a lock of it. +Oh what a foolish fellow you were, Doady, when I gave you one!' + +'That was on the day when you were painting the flowers I had given you, +Dora, and when I told you how much in love I was.' + +'Ah! but I didn't like to tell you,' says Dora, 'then, how I had cried +over them, because I believed you really liked me! When I can run about +again as I used to do, Doady, let us go and see those places where we +were such a silly couple, shall we? And take some of the old walks? And +not forget poor papa?' + +'Yes, we will, and have some happy days. So you must make haste to get +well, my dear.' + +'Oh, I shall soon do that! I am so much better, you don't know!' + + +It is evening; and I sit in the same chair, by the same bed, with the +same face turned towards me. We have been silent, and there is a smile +upon her face. I have ceased to carry my light burden up and down stairs +now. She lies here all the day. + +'Doady!' + +'My dear Dora!' + +'You won't think what I am going to say, unreasonable, after what you +told me, such a little while ago, of Mr. Wickfield's not being well? I +want to see Agnes. Very much I want to see her.' + +'I will write to her, my dear.' + +'Will you?' + +'Directly.' + +'What a good, kind boy! Doady, take me on your arm. Indeed, my dear, +it's not a whim. It's not a foolish fancy. I want, very much indeed, to +see her!' + +'I am certain of it. I have only to tell her so, and she is sure to +come.' + +'You are very lonely when you go downstairs, now?' Dora whispers, with +her arm about my neck. + +'How can I be otherwise, my own love, when I see your empty chair?' + +'My empty chair!' She clings to me for a little while, in silence. 'And +you really miss me, Doady?' looking up, and brightly smiling. 'Even +poor, giddy, stupid me?' + +'My heart, who is there upon earth that I could miss so much?' + +'Oh, husband! I am so glad, yet so sorry!' creeping closer to me, and +folding me in both her arms. She laughs and sobs, and then is quiet, and +quite happy. + +'Quite!' she says. 'Only give Agnes my dear love, and tell her that I +want very, very, much to see her; and I have nothing left to wish for.' + +'Except to get well again, Dora.' + +'Ah, Doady! Sometimes I think--you know I always was a silly little +thing!--that that will never be!' + +'Don't say so, Dora! Dearest love, don't think so!' + +'I won't, if I can help it, Doady. But I am very happy; though my dear +boy is so lonely by himself, before his child-wife's empty chair!' + + +It is night; and I am with her still. Agnes has arrived; has been among +us for a whole day and an evening. She, my aunt, and I, have sat with +Dora since the morning, all together. We have not talked much, but Dora +has been perfectly contented and cheerful. We are now alone. + +Do I know, now, that my child-wife will soon leave me? They have told me +so; they have told me nothing new to my thoughts--but I am far from +sure that I have taken that truth to heart. I cannot master it. I have +withdrawn by myself, many times today, to weep. I have remembered Who +wept for a parting between the living and the dead. I have bethought me +of all that gracious and compassionate history. I have tried to resign +myself, and to console myself; and that, I hope, I may have done +imperfectly; but what I cannot firmly settle in my mind is, that the end +will absolutely come. I hold her hand in mine, I hold her heart in mine, +I see her love for me, alive in all its strength. I cannot shut out a +pale lingering shadow of belief that she will be spared. + +'I am going to speak to you, Doady. I am going to say something I have +often thought of saying, lately. You won't mind?' with a gentle look. + +'Mind, my darling?' + +'Because I don't know what you will think, or what you may have thought +sometimes. Perhaps you have often thought the same. Doady, dear, I am +afraid I was too young.' + +I lay my face upon the pillow by her, and she looks into my eyes, and +speaks very softly. Gradually, as she goes on, I feel, with a stricken +heart, that she is speaking of herself as past. + +'I am afraid, dear, I was too young. I don't mean in years only, but +in experience, and thoughts, and everything. I was such a silly little +creature! I am afraid it would have been better, if we had only loved +each other as a boy and girl, and forgotten it. I have begun to think I +was not fit to be a wife.' + +I try to stay my tears, and to reply, 'Oh, Dora, love, as fit as I to be +a husband!' + +'I don't know,' with the old shake of her curls. 'Perhaps! But if I had +been more fit to be married I might have made you more so, too. Besides, +you are very clever, and I never was.' + +'We have been very happy, my sweet Dora.' + +'I was very happy, very. But, as years went on, my dear boy would have +wearied of his child-wife. She would have been less and less a companion +for him. He would have been more and more sensible of what was wanting +in his home. She wouldn't have improved. It is better as it is.' + +'Oh, Dora, dearest, dearest, do not speak to me so. Every word seems a +reproach!' + +'No, not a syllable!' she answers, kissing me. 'Oh, my dear, you never +deserved it, and I loved you far too well to say a reproachful word to +you, in earnest--it was all the merit I had, except being pretty--or you +thought me so. Is it lonely, down-stairs, Doady?' + +'Very! Very!' + +'Don't cry! Is my chair there?' + +'In its old place.' + +'Oh, how my poor boy cries! Hush, hush! Now, make me one promise. I want +to speak to Agnes. When you go downstairs, tell Agnes so, and send her +up to me; and while I speak to her, let no one come--not even aunt. +I want to speak to Agnes by herself. I want to speak to Agnes, quite +alone.' + +I promise that she shall, immediately; but I cannot leave her, for my +grief. + +'I said that it was better as it is!' she whispers, as she holds me in +her arms. 'Oh, Doady, after more years, you never could have loved your +child-wife better than you do; and, after more years, she would so have +tried and disappointed you, that you might not have been able to love +her half so well! I know I was too young and foolish. It is much better +as it is!' + +Agnes is downstairs, when I go into the parlour; and I give her the +message. She disappears, leaving me alone with Jip. + +His Chinese house is by the fire; and he lies within it, on his bed of +flannel, querulously trying to sleep. The bright moon is high and clear. +As I look out on the night, my tears fall fast, and my undisciplined +heart is chastened heavily--heavily. + +I sit down by the fire, thinking with a blind remorse of all those +secret feelings I have nourished since my marriage. I think of every +little trifle between me and Dora, and feel the truth, that trifles +make the sum of life. Ever rising from the sea of my remembrance, is the +image of the dear child as I knew her first, graced by my young love, +and by her own, with every fascination wherein such love is rich. Would +it, indeed, have been better if we had loved each other as a boy and a +girl, and forgotten it? Undisciplined heart, reply! + +How the time wears, I know not; until I am recalled by my child-wife's +old companion. More restless than he was, he crawls out of his house, +and looks at me, and wanders to the door, and whines to go upstairs. + +'Not tonight, Jip! Not tonight!' + +He comes very slowly back to me, licks my hand, and lifts his dim eyes +to my face. + +'Oh, Jip! It may be, never again!' + +He lies down at my feet, stretches himself out as if to sleep, and with +a plaintive cry, is dead. + +'Oh, Agnes! Look, look, here!' --That face, so full of pity, and of +grief, that rain of tears, that awful mute appeal to me, that solemn +hand upraised towards Heaven! + +'Agnes?' + +It is over. Darkness comes before my eyes; and, for a time, all things +are blotted out of my remembrance. + + + +CHAPTER 54. Mr. MICAWBER'S TRANSACTIONS + + +This is not the time at which I am to enter on the state of my mind +beneath its load of sorrow. I came to think that the Future was walled +up before me, that the energy and action of my life were at an end, that +I never could find any refuge but in the grave. I came to think so, I +say, but not in the first shock of my grief. It slowly grew to that. +If the events I go on to relate, had not thickened around me, in the +beginning to confuse, and in the end to augment, my affliction, it is +possible (though I think not probable), that I might have fallen at once +into this condition. As it was, an interval occurred before I fully knew +my own distress; an interval, in which I even supposed that its sharpest +pangs were past; and when my mind could soothe itself by resting on +all that was most innocent and beautiful, in the tender story that was +closed for ever. + +When it was first proposed that I should go abroad, or how it came to be +agreed among us that I was to seek the restoration of my peace in change +and travel, I do not, even now, distinctly know. The spirit of Agnes so +pervaded all we thought, and said, and did, in that time of sorrow, that +I assume I may refer the project to her influence. But her influence was +so quiet that I know no more. + +And now, indeed, I began to think that in my old association of her with +the stained-glass window in the church, a prophetic foreshadowing of +what she would be to me, in the calamity that was to happen in the +fullness of time, had found a way into my mind. In all that sorrow, from +the moment, never to be forgotten, when she stood before me with her +upraised hand, she was like a sacred presence in my lonely house. When +the Angel of Death alighted there, my child-wife fell asleep--they told +me so when I could bear to hear it--on her bosom, with a smile. From my +swoon, I first awoke to a consciousness of her compassionate tears, her +words of hope and peace, her gentle face bending down as from a purer +region nearer Heaven, over my undisciplined heart, and softening its +pain. + +Let me go on. + +I was to go abroad. That seemed to have been determined among us from +the first. The ground now covering all that could perish of my +departed wife, I waited only for what Mr. Micawber called the 'final +pulverization of Heep'; and for the departure of the emigrants. + +At the request of Traddles, most affectionate and devoted of friends in +my trouble, we returned to Canterbury: I mean my aunt, Agnes, and I. We +proceeded by appointment straight to Mr. Micawber's house; where, and at +Mr. Wickfield's, my friend had been labouring ever since our explosive +meeting. When poor Mrs. Micawber saw me come in, in my black clothes, +she was sensibly affected. There was a great deal of good in Mrs. +Micawber's heart, which had not been dunned out of it in all those many +years. + +'Well, Mr. and Mrs. Micawber,' was my aunt's first salutation after we +were seated. 'Pray, have you thought about that emigration proposal of +mine?' + +'My dear madam,' returned Mr. Micawber, 'perhaps I cannot better express +the conclusion at which Mrs. Micawber, your humble servant, and I may +add our children, have jointly and severally arrived, than by borrowing +the language of an illustrious poet, to reply that our Boat is on the +shore, and our Bark is on the sea.' + +'That's right,' said my aunt. 'I augur all sort of good from your +sensible decision.' + +'Madam, you do us a great deal of honour,' he rejoined. He then referred +to a memorandum. 'With respect to the pecuniary assistance enabling +us to launch our frail canoe on the ocean of enterprise, I have +reconsidered that important business-point; and would beg to propose +my notes of hand--drawn, it is needless to stipulate, on stamps of the +amounts respectively required by the various Acts of Parliament applying +to such securities--at eighteen, twenty-four, and thirty months. +The proposition I originally submitted, was twelve, eighteen, and +twenty-four; but I am apprehensive that such an arrangement might not +allow sufficient time for the requisite amount of--Something--to turn +up. We might not,' said Mr. Micawber, looking round the room as if it +represented several hundred acres of highly cultivated land, 'on the +first responsibility becoming due, have been successful in our harvest, +or we might not have got our harvest in. Labour, I believe, is sometimes +difficult to obtain in that portion of our colonial possessions where it +will be our lot to combat with the teeming soil.' + +'Arrange it in any way you please, sir,' said my aunt. + +'Madam,' he replied, 'Mrs. Micawber and myself are deeply sensible of +the very considerate kindness of our friends and patrons. What I wish +is, to be perfectly business-like, and perfectly punctual. Turning over, +as we are about to turn over, an entirely new leaf; and falling back, +as we are now in the act of falling back, for a Spring of no common +magnitude; it is important to my sense of self-respect, besides being +an example to my son, that these arrangements should be concluded as +between man and man.' + +I don't know that Mr. Micawber attached any meaning to this last phrase; +I don't know that anybody ever does, or did; but he appeared to relish +it uncommonly, and repeated, with an impressive cough, 'as between man +and man'. + +'I propose,' said Mr. Micawber, 'Bills--a convenience to the mercantile +world, for which, I believe, we are originally indebted to the Jews, who +appear to me to have had a devilish deal too much to do with them +ever since--because they are negotiable. But if a Bond, or any other +description of security, would be preferred, I should be happy to +execute any such instrument. As between man and man.' + +My aunt observed, that in a case where both parties were willing to +agree to anything, she took it for granted there would be no difficulty +in settling this point. Mr. Micawber was of her opinion. + +'In reference to our domestic preparations, madam,' said Mr. Micawber, +with some pride, 'for meeting the destiny to which we are now understood +to be self-devoted, I beg to report them. My eldest daughter attends +at five every morning in a neighbouring establishment, to acquire +the process--if process it may be called--of milking cows. My younger +children are instructed to observe, as closely as circumstances will +permit, the habits of the pigs and poultry maintained in the poorer +parts of this city: a pursuit from which they have, on two occasions, +been brought home, within an inch of being run over. I have myself +directed some attention, during the past week, to the art of baking; and +my son Wilkins has issued forth with a walking-stick and driven cattle, +when permitted, by the rugged hirelings who had them in charge, to +render any voluntary service in that direction--which I regret to say, +for the credit of our nature, was not often; he being generally warned, +with imprecations, to desist.' + +'All very right indeed,' said my aunt, encouragingly. 'Mrs. Micawber has +been busy, too, I have no doubt.' + +'My dear madam,' returned Mrs. Micawber, with her business-like air. +'I am free to confess that I have not been actively engaged in pursuits +immediately connected with cultivation or with stock, though well aware +that both will claim my attention on a foreign shore. Such opportunities +as I have been enabled to alienate from my domestic duties, I have +devoted to corresponding at some length with my family. For I own it +seems to me, my dear Mr. Copperfield,' said Mrs. Micawber, who always +fell back on me, I suppose from old habit, to whomsoever else she might +address her discourse at starting, 'that the time is come when the past +should be buried in oblivion; when my family should take Mr. Micawber by +the hand, and Mr. Micawber should take my family by the hand; when the +lion should lie down with the lamb, and my family be on terms with Mr. +Micawber.' + +I said I thought so too. + +'This, at least, is the light, my dear Mr. Copperfield,' pursued Mrs. +Micawber, 'in which I view the subject. When I lived at home with my +papa and mama, my papa was accustomed to ask, when any point was under +discussion in our limited circle, "In what light does my Emma view the +subject?" That my papa was too partial, I know; still, on such a point +as the frigid coldness which has ever subsisted between Mr. Micawber and +my family, I necessarily have formed an opinion, delusive though it may +be.' + +'No doubt. Of course you have, ma'am,' said my aunt. + +'Precisely so,' assented Mrs. Micawber. 'Now, I may be wrong in my +conclusions; it is very likely that I am, but my individual impression +is, that the gulf between my family and Mr. Micawber may be traced to an +apprehension, on the part of my family, that Mr. Micawber would require +pecuniary accommodation. I cannot help thinking,' said Mrs. Micawber, +with an air of deep sagacity, 'that there are members of my family who +have been apprehensive that Mr. Micawber would solicit them for their +names.---I do not mean to be conferred in Baptism upon our children, +but to be inscribed on Bills of Exchange, and negotiated in the Money +Market.' + +The look of penetration with which Mrs. Micawber announced this +discovery, as if no one had ever thought of it before, seemed rather to +astonish my aunt; who abruptly replied, 'Well, ma'am, upon the whole, I +shouldn't wonder if you were right!' + +'Mr. Micawber being now on the eve of casting off the pecuniary +shackles that have so long enthralled him,' said Mrs. Micawber, 'and of +commencing a new career in a country where there is sufficient range +for his abilities,--which, in my opinion, is exceedingly important; Mr. +Micawber's abilities peculiarly requiring space,--it seems to me that +my family should signalize the occasion by coming forward. What I could +wish to see, would be a meeting between Mr. Micawber and my family at +a festive entertainment, to be given at my family's expense; where Mr. +Micawber's health and prosperity being proposed, by some leading member +of my family, Mr. Micawber might have an opportunity of developing his +views.' + +'My dear,' said Mr. Micawber, with some heat, 'it may be better for me +to state distinctly, at once, that if I were to develop my views to that +assembled group, they would possibly be found of an offensive nature: +my impression being that your family are, in the aggregate, impertinent +Snobs; and, in detail, unmitigated Ruffians.' + +'Micawber,' said Mrs. Micawber, shaking her head, 'no! You have never +understood them, and they have never understood you.' + +Mr. Micawber coughed. + +'They have never understood you, Micawber,' said his wife. 'They may +be incapable of it. If so, that is their misfortune. I can pity their +misfortune.' + +'I am extremely sorry, my dear Emma,' said Mr. Micawber, relenting, 'to +have been betrayed into any expressions that might, even remotely, have +the appearance of being strong expressions. All I would say is, that +I can go abroad without your family coming forward to favour me,--in +short, with a parting Shove of their cold shoulders; and that, upon the +whole, I would rather leave England with such impetus as I possess, than +derive any acceleration of it from that quarter. At the same time, my +dear, if they should condescend to reply to your communications--which +our joint experience renders most improbable--far be it from me to be a +barrier to your wishes.' + +The matter being thus amicably settled, Mr. Micawber gave Mrs. Micawber +his arm, and glancing at the heap of books and papers lying before +Traddles on the table, said they would leave us to ourselves; which they +ceremoniously did. + +'My dear Copperfield,' said Traddles, leaning back in his chair when +they were gone, and looking at me with an affection that made his eyes +red, and his hair all kinds of shapes, 'I don't make any excuse for +troubling you with business, because I know you are deeply interested +in it, and it may divert your thoughts. My dear boy, I hope you are not +worn out?' + +'I am quite myself,' said I, after a pause. 'We have more cause to think +of my aunt than of anyone. You know how much she has done.' + +'Surely, surely,' answered Traddles. 'Who can forget it!' + +'But even that is not all,' said I. 'During the last fortnight, some new +trouble has vexed her; and she has been in and out of London every day. +Several times she has gone out early, and been absent until evening. +Last night, Traddles, with this journey before her, it was almost +midnight before she came home. You know what her consideration for +others is. She will not tell me what has happened to distress her.' + +My aunt, very pale, and with deep lines in her face, sat immovable until +I had finished; when some stray tears found their way to her cheeks, and +she put her hand on mine. + +'It's nothing, Trot; it's nothing. There will be no more of it. You +shall know by and by. Now Agnes, my dear, let us attend to these +affairs.' + +'I must do Mr. Micawber the justice to say,' Traddles began, 'that +although he would appear not to have worked to any good account for +himself, he is a most untiring man when he works for other people. I +never saw such a fellow. If he always goes on in the same way, he must +be, virtually, about two hundred years old, at present. The heat into +which he has been continually putting himself; and the distracted and +impetuous manner in which he has been diving, day and night, among +papers and books; to say nothing of the immense number of letters he has +written me between this house and Mr. Wickfield's, and often across the +table when he has been sitting opposite, and might much more easily have +spoken; is quite extraordinary.' + +'Letters!' cried my aunt. 'I believe he dreams in letters!' + +'There's Mr. Dick, too,' said Traddles, 'has been doing wonders! As soon +as he was released from overlooking Uriah Heep, whom he kept in such +charge as I never saw exceeded, he began to devote himself to Mr. +Wickfield. And really his anxiety to be of use in the investigations we +have been making, and his real usefulness in extracting, and copying, +and fetching, and carrying, have been quite stimulating to us.' + +'Dick is a very remarkable man,' exclaimed my aunt; 'and I always said +he was. Trot, you know it.' + +'I am happy to say, Miss Wickfield,' pursued Traddles, at once with +great delicacy and with great earnestness, 'that in your absence Mr. +Wickfield has considerably improved. Relieved of the incubus that had +fastened upon him for so long a time, and of the dreadful apprehensions +under which he had lived, he is hardly the same person. At times, +even his impaired power of concentrating his memory and attention on +particular points of business, has recovered itself very much; and he +has been able to assist us in making some things clear, that we should +have found very difficult indeed, if not hopeless, without him. But +what I have to do is to come to results; which are short enough; not +to gossip on all the hopeful circumstances I have observed, or I shall +never have done.' His natural manner and agreeable simplicity made it +transparent that he said this to put us in good heart, and to enable +Agnes to hear her father mentioned with greater confidence; but it was +not the less pleasant for that. + +'Now, let me see,' said Traddles, looking among the papers on the +table. 'Having counted our funds, and reduced to order a great mass of +unintentional confusion in the first place, and of wilful confusion and +falsification in the second, we take it to be clear that Mr. Wickfield +might now wind up his business, and his agency-trust, and exhibit no +deficiency or defalcation whatever.' + +'Oh, thank Heaven!' cried Agnes, fervently. + +'But,' said Traddles, 'the surplus that would be left as his means of +support--and I suppose the house to be sold, even in saying this--would +be so small, not exceeding in all probability some hundreds of pounds, +that perhaps, Miss Wickfield, it would be best to consider whether he +might not retain his agency of the estate to which he has so long been +receiver. His friends might advise him, you know; now he is free. You +yourself, Miss Wickfield--Copperfield--I--' + +'I have considered it, Trotwood,' said Agnes, looking to me, 'and I feel +that it ought not to be, and must not be; even on the recommendation of +a friend to whom I am so grateful, and owe so much.' + +'I will not say that I recommend it,' observed Traddles. 'I think it +right to suggest it. No more.' + +'I am happy to hear you say so,' answered Agnes, steadily, 'for it gives +me hope, almost assurance, that we think alike. Dear Mr. Traddles and +dear Trotwood, papa once free with honour, what could I wish for! I have +always aspired, if I could have released him from the toils in which he +was held, to render back some little portion of the love and care I owe +him, and to devote my life to him. It has been, for years, the utmost +height of my hopes. To take our future on myself, will be the next +great happiness--the next to his release from all trust and +responsibility--that I can know.' + +'Have you thought how, Agnes?' + +'Often! I am not afraid, dear Trotwood. I am certain of success. So many +people know me here, and think kindly of me, that I am certain. Don't +mistrust me. Our wants are not many. If I rent the dear old house, and +keep a school, I shall be useful and happy.' + +The calm fervour of her cheerful voice brought back so vividly, first +the dear old house itself, and then my solitary home, that my heart was +too full for speech. Traddles pretended for a little while to be busily +looking among the papers. + +'Next, Miss Trotwood,' said Traddles, 'that property of yours.' + +'Well, sir,' sighed my aunt. 'All I have got to say about it is, that if +it's gone, I can bear it; and if it's not gone, I shall be glad to get +it back.' + +'It was originally, I think, eight thousand pounds, Consols?' said +Traddles. + +'Right!' replied my aunt. + +'I can't account for more than five,' said Traddles, with an air of +perplexity. + +'--thousand, do you mean?' inquired my aunt, with uncommon composure, +'or pounds?' + +'Five thousand pounds,' said Traddles. + +'It was all there was,' returned my aunt. 'I sold three, myself. One, I +paid for your articles, Trot, my dear; and the other two I have by me. +When I lost the rest, I thought it wise to say nothing about that sum, +but to keep it secretly for a rainy day. I wanted to see how you would +come out of the trial, Trot; and you came out nobly--persevering, +self-reliant, self-denying! So did Dick. Don't speak to me, for I find +my nerves a little shaken!' + +Nobody would have thought so, to see her sitting upright, with her arms +folded; but she had wonderful self-command. + +'Then I am delighted to say,' cried Traddles, beaming with joy, 'that we +have recovered the whole money!' + +'Don't congratulate me, anybody!' exclaimed my aunt. 'How so, sir?' + +'You believed it had been misappropriated by Mr. Wickfield?' said +Traddles. + +'Of course I did,' said my aunt, 'and was therefore easily silenced. +Agnes, not a word!' + +'And indeed,' said Traddles, 'it was sold, by virtue of the power of +management he held from you; but I needn't say by whom sold, or on whose +actual signature. It was afterwards pretended to Mr. Wickfield, by that +rascal,--and proved, too, by figures,--that he had possessed himself of +the money (on general instructions, he said) to keep other deficiencies +and difficulties from the light. Mr. Wickfield, being so weak and +helpless in his hands as to pay you, afterwards, several sums of +interest on a pretended principal which he knew did not exist, made +himself, unhappily, a party to the fraud.' + +'And at last took the blame upon himself,' added my aunt; 'and wrote me +a mad letter, charging himself with robbery, and wrong unheard of. Upon +which I paid him a visit early one morning, called for a candle, burnt +the letter, and told him if he ever could right me and himself, to +do it; and if he couldn't, to keep his own counsel for his daughter's +sake.---If anybody speaks to me, I'll leave the house!' + +We all remained quiet; Agnes covering her face. + +'Well, my dear friend,' said my aunt, after a pause, 'and you have +really extorted the money back from him?' + +'Why, the fact is,' returned Traddles, 'Mr. Micawber had so completely +hemmed him in, and was always ready with so many new points if an +old one failed, that he could not escape from us. A most remarkable +circumstance is, that I really don't think he grasped this sum even so +much for the gratification of his avarice, which was inordinate, as in +the hatred he felt for Copperfield. He said so to me, plainly. He said +he would even have spent as much, to baulk or injure Copperfield.' + +'Ha!' said my aunt, knitting her brows thoughtfully, and glancing at +Agnes. 'And what's become of him?' + +'I don't know. He left here,' said Traddles, 'with his mother, who had +been clamouring, and beseeching, and disclosing, the whole time. They +went away by one of the London night coaches, and I know no more about +him; except that his malevolence to me at parting was audacious. He +seemed to consider himself hardly less indebted to me, than to Mr. +Micawber; which I consider (as I told him) quite a compliment.' + +'Do you suppose he has any money, Traddles?' I asked. + +'Oh dear, yes, I should think so,' he replied, shaking his head, +seriously. 'I should say he must have pocketed a good deal, in one +way or other. But, I think you would find, Copperfield, if you had an +opportunity of observing his course, that money would never keep that +man out of mischief. He is such an incarnate hypocrite, that whatever +object he pursues, he must pursue crookedly. It's his only compensation +for the outward restraints he puts upon himself. Always creeping along +the ground to some small end or other, he will always magnify every +object in the way; and consequently will hate and suspect everybody that +comes, in the most innocent manner, between him and it. So the crooked +courses will become crookeder, at any moment, for the least reason, +or for none. It's only necessary to consider his history here,' said +Traddles, 'to know that.' + +'He's a monster of meanness!' said my aunt. + +'Really I don't know about that,' observed Traddles thoughtfully. 'Many +people can be very mean, when they give their minds to it.' + +'And now, touching Mr. Micawber,' said my aunt. + +'Well, really,' said Traddles, cheerfully, 'I must, once more, give Mr. +Micawber high praise. But for his having been so patient and persevering +for so long a time, we never could have hoped to do anything worth +speaking of. And I think we ought to consider that Mr. Micawber did +right, for right's sake, when we reflect what terms he might have made +with Uriah Heep himself, for his silence.' + +'I think so too,' said I. + +'Now, what would you give him?' inquired my aunt. + +'Oh! Before you come to that,' said Traddles, a little disconcerted, +'I am afraid I thought it discreet to omit (not being able to carry +everything before me) two points, in making this lawless adjustment--for +it's perfectly lawless from beginning to end--of a difficult affair. +Those I.O.U.'s, and so forth, which Mr. Micawber gave him for the +advances he had--' + +'Well! They must be paid,' said my aunt. + +'Yes, but I don't know when they may be proceeded on, or where they +are,' rejoined Traddles, opening his eyes; 'and I anticipate, that, +between this time and his departure, Mr. Micawber will be constantly +arrested, or taken in execution.' + +'Then he must be constantly set free again, and taken out of execution,' +said my aunt. 'What's the amount altogether?' + +'Why, Mr. Micawber has entered the transactions--he calls them +transactions--with great form, in a book,' rejoined Traddles, smiling; +'and he makes the amount a hundred and three pounds, five.' + +'Now, what shall we give him, that sum included?' said my aunt. 'Agnes, +my dear, you and I can talk about division of it afterwards. What should +it be? Five hundred pounds?' + +Upon this, Traddles and I both struck in at once. We both recommended +a small sum in money, and the payment, without stipulation to Mr. +Micawber, of the Uriah claims as they came in. We proposed that the +family should have their passage and their outfit, and a hundred pounds; +and that Mr. Micawber's arrangement for the repayment of the advances +should be gravely entered into, as it might be wholesome for him +to suppose himself under that responsibility. To this, I added the +suggestion, that I should give some explanation of his character and +history to Mr. Peggotty, who I knew could be relied on; and that to Mr. +Peggotty should be quietly entrusted the discretion of advancing another +hundred. I further proposed to interest Mr. Micawber in Mr. Peggotty, +by confiding so much of Mr. Peggotty's story to him as I might feel +justified in relating, or might think expedient; and to endeavour to +bring each of them to bear upon the other, for the common advantage. We +all entered warmly into these views; and I may mention at once, that the +principals themselves did so, shortly afterwards, with perfect good will +and harmony. + +Seeing that Traddles now glanced anxiously at my aunt again, I reminded +him of the second and last point to which he had adverted. + +'You and your aunt will excuse me, Copperfield, if I touch upon a +painful theme, as I greatly fear I shall,' said Traddles, hesitating; +'but I think it necessary to bring it to your recollection. On the day +of Mr. Micawber's memorable denunciation a threatening allusion was made +by Uriah Heep to your aunt's--husband.' + +My aunt, retaining her stiff position, and apparent composure, assented +with a nod. + +'Perhaps,' observed Traddles, 'it was mere purposeless impertinence?' + +'No,' returned my aunt. + +'There was--pardon me--really such a person, and at all in his power?' +hinted Traddles. + +'Yes, my good friend,' said my aunt. + +Traddles, with a perceptible lengthening of his face, explained that he +had not been able to approach this subject; that it had shared the fate +of Mr. Micawber's liabilities, in not being comprehended in the terms he +had made; that we were no longer of any authority with Uriah Heep; and +that if he could do us, or any of us, any injury or annoyance, no doubt +he would. + +My aunt remained quiet; until again some stray tears found their way to +her cheeks. 'You are quite right,' she said. 'It was very thoughtful to +mention it.' + +'Can I--or Copperfield--do anything?' asked Traddles, gently. + +'Nothing,' said my aunt. 'I thank you many times. Trot, my dear, a vain +threat! Let us have Mr. and Mrs. Micawber back. And don't any of you +speak to me!' With that she smoothed her dress, and sat, with her +upright carriage, looking at the door. + +'Well, Mr. and Mrs. Micawber!' said my aunt, when they entered. 'We have +been discussing your emigration, with many apologies to you for keeping +you out of the room so long; and I'll tell you what arrangements we +propose.' + +These she explained to the unbounded satisfaction of the +family,--children and all being then present,--and so much to the +awakening of Mr. Micawber's punctual habits in the opening stage of +all bill transactions, that he could not be dissuaded from immediately +rushing out, in the highest spirits, to buy the stamps for his notes of +hand. But, his joy received a sudden check; for within five minutes, +he returned in the custody of a sheriff 's officer, informing us, in +a flood of tears, that all was lost. We, being quite prepared for this +event, which was of course a proceeding of Uriah Heep's, soon paid the +money; and in five minutes more Mr. Micawber was seated at the table, +filling up the stamps with an expression of perfect joy, which only +that congenial employment, or the making of punch, could impart in full +completeness to his shining face. To see him at work on the stamps, with +the relish of an artist, touching them like pictures, looking at them +sideways, taking weighty notes of dates and amounts in his pocket-book, +and contemplating them when finished, with a high sense of their +precious value, was a sight indeed. + +'Now, the best thing you can do, sir, if you'll allow me to advise +you,' said my aunt, after silently observing him, 'is to abjure that +occupation for evermore.' + +'Madam,' replied Mr. Micawber, 'it is my intention to register such a +vow on the virgin page of the future. Mrs. Micawber will attest it. I +trust,' said Mr. Micawber, solemnly, 'that my son Wilkins will ever bear +in mind, that he had infinitely better put his fist in the fire, than +use it to handle the serpents that have poisoned the life-blood of his +unhappy parent!' Deeply affected, and changed in a moment to the image +of despair, Mr. Micawber regarded the serpents with a look of gloomy +abhorrence (in which his late admiration of them was not quite subdued), +folded them up and put them in his pocket. + +This closed the proceedings of the evening. We were weary with sorrow +and fatigue, and my aunt and I were to return to London on the morrow. +It was arranged that the Micawbers should follow us, after effecting a +sale of their goods to a broker; that Mr. Wickfield's affairs should be +brought to a settlement, with all convenient speed, under the direction +of Traddles; and that Agnes should also come to London, pending those +arrangements. We passed the night at the old house, which, freed from +the presence of the Heeps, seemed purged of a disease; and I lay in my +old room, like a shipwrecked wanderer come home. + +We went back next day to my aunt's house--not to mine--and when she and +I sat alone, as of old, before going to bed, she said: + +'Trot, do you really wish to know what I have had upon my mind lately?' + +'Indeed I do, aunt. If there ever was a time when I felt unwilling that +you should have a sorrow or anxiety which I could not share, it is now.' + +'You have had sorrow enough, child,' said my aunt, affectionately, +'without the addition of my little miseries. I could have no other +motive, Trot, in keeping anything from you.' + +'I know that well,' said I. 'But tell me now.' + +'Would you ride with me a little way tomorrow morning?' asked my aunt. + +'Of course.' + +'At nine,' said she. 'I'll tell you then, my dear.' + +At nine, accordingly, we went out in a little chariot, and drove to +London. We drove a long way through the streets, until we came to one of +the large hospitals. Standing hard by the building was a plain hearse. +The driver recognized my aunt, and, in obedience to a motion of her hand +at the window, drove slowly off; we following. + +'You understand it now, Trot,' said my aunt. 'He is gone!' + +'Did he die in the hospital?' + +'Yes.' + +She sat immovable beside me; but, again I saw the stray tears on her +face. + +'He was there once before,' said my aunt presently. 'He was ailing a +long time--a shattered, broken man, these many years. When he knew his +state in this last illness, he asked them to send for me. He was sorry +then. Very sorry.' + +'You went, I know, aunt.' + +'I went. I was with him a good deal afterwards.' + +'He died the night before we went to Canterbury?' said I. My aunt +nodded. 'No one can harm him now,' she said. 'It was a vain threat.' + +We drove away, out of town, to the churchyard at Hornsey. 'Better here +than in the streets,' said my aunt. 'He was born here.' + +We alighted; and followed the plain coffin to a corner I remember well, +where the service was read consigning it to the dust. + +'Six-and-thirty years ago, this day, my dear,' said my aunt, as we +walked back to the chariot, 'I was married. God forgive us all!' We took +our seats in silence; and so she sat beside me for a long time, holding +my hand. At length she suddenly burst into tears, and said: + +'He was a fine-looking man when I married him, Trot--and he was sadly +changed!' + +It did not last long. After the relief of tears, she soon became +composed, and even cheerful. Her nerves were a little shaken, she said, +or she would not have given way to it. God forgive us all! + +So we rode back to her little cottage at Highgate, where we found the +following short note, which had arrived by that morning's post from Mr. +Micawber: + + + 'Canterbury, + + 'Friday. + +'My dear Madam, and Copperfield, + +'The fair land of promise lately looming on the horizon is again +enveloped in impenetrable mists, and for ever withdrawn from the eyes of +a drifting wretch whose Doom is sealed! + +'Another writ has been issued (in His Majesty's High Court of King's +Bench at Westminster), in another cause of HEEP V. MICAWBER, and +the defendant in that cause is the prey of the sheriff having legal +jurisdiction in this bailiwick. + + 'Now's the day, and now's the hour, + See the front of battle lower, + See approach proud EDWARD'S power-- + Chains and slavery! + +'Consigned to which, and to a speedy end (for mental torture is not +supportable beyond a certain point, and that point I feel I have +attained), my course is run. Bless you, bless you! Some future +traveller, visiting, from motives of curiosity, not unmingled, let us +hope, with sympathy, the place of confinement allotted to debtors in +this city, may, and I trust will, Ponder, as he traces on its wall, +inscribed with a rusty nail, + + 'The obscure initials, + + 'W. M. + +'P.S. I re-open this to say that our common friend, Mr. Thomas Traddles +(who has not yet left us, and is looking extremely well), has paid the +debt and costs, in the noble name of Miss Trotwood; and that myself and +family are at the height of earthly bliss.' + + + +CHAPTER 55. TEMPEST + + +I now approach an event in my life, so indelible, so awful, so bound by +an infinite variety of ties to all that has preceded it, in these pages, +that, from the beginning of my narrative, I have seen it growing larger +and larger as I advanced, like a great tower in a plain, and throwing +its fore-cast shadow even on the incidents of my childish days. + +For years after it occurred, I dreamed of it often. I have started up so +vividly impressed by it, that its fury has yet seemed raging in my quiet +room, in the still night. I dream of it sometimes, though at lengthened +and uncertain intervals, to this hour. I have an association between it +and a stormy wind, or the lightest mention of a sea-shore, as strong as +any of which my mind is conscious. As plainly as I behold what happened, +I will try to write it down. I do not recall it, but see it done; for it +happens again before me. + +The time drawing on rapidly for the sailing of the emigrant-ship, my +good old nurse (almost broken-hearted for me, when we first met) came up +to London. I was constantly with her, and her brother, and the Micawbers +(they being very much together); but Emily I never saw. + +One evening when the time was close at hand, I was alone with Peggotty +and her brother. Our conversation turned on Ham. She described to us how +tenderly he had taken leave of her, and how manfully and quietly he +had borne himself. Most of all, of late, when she believed he was most +tried. It was a subject of which the affectionate creature never tired; +and our interest in hearing the many examples which she, who was so much +with him, had to relate, was equal to hers in relating them. + +My aunt and I were at that time vacating the two cottages at Highgate; I +intending to go abroad, and she to return to her house at Dover. We had +a temporary lodging in Covent Garden. As I walked home to it, after this +evening's conversation, reflecting on what had passed between Ham and +myself when I was last at Yarmouth, I wavered in the original purpose +I had formed, of leaving a letter for Emily when I should take leave of +her uncle on board the ship, and thought it would be better to write to +her now. She might desire, I thought, after receiving my communication, +to send some parting word by me to her unhappy lover. I ought to give +her the opportunity. + +I therefore sat down in my room, before going to bed, and wrote to her. +I told her that I had seen him, and that he had requested me to tell her +what I have already written in its place in these sheets. I faithfully +repeated it. I had no need to enlarge upon it, if I had had the right. +Its deep fidelity and goodness were not to be adorned by me or any +man. I left it out, to be sent round in the morning; with a line to Mr. +Peggotty, requesting him to give it to her; and went to bed at daybreak. + +I was weaker than I knew then; and, not falling asleep until the sun +was up, lay late, and unrefreshed, next day. I was roused by the silent +presence of my aunt at my bedside. I felt it in my sleep, as I suppose +we all do feel such things. + +'Trot, my dear,' she said, when I opened my eyes, 'I couldn't make up my +mind to disturb you. Mr. Peggotty is here; shall he come up?' + +I replied yes, and he soon appeared. + +'Mas'r Davy,' he said, when we had shaken hands, 'I giv Em'ly your +letter, sir, and she writ this heer; and begged of me fur to ask you +to read it, and if you see no hurt in't, to be so kind as take charge +on't.' + +'Have you read it?' said I. + +He nodded sorrowfully. I opened it, and read as follows: + + +'I have got your message. Oh, what can I write, to thank you for your +good and blessed kindness to me! + +'I have put the words close to my heart. I shall keep them till I die. +They are sharp thorns, but they are such comfort. I have prayed over +them, oh, I have prayed so much. When I find what you are, and what +uncle is, I think what God must be, and can cry to him. + +'Good-bye for ever. Now, my dear, my friend, good-bye for ever in this +world. In another world, if I am forgiven, I may wake a child and come +to you. All thanks and blessings. Farewell, evermore.' + + +This, blotted with tears, was the letter. + +'May I tell her as you doen't see no hurt in't, and as you'll be so kind +as take charge on't, Mas'r Davy?' said Mr. Peggotty, when I had read it. +'Unquestionably,' said I--'but I am thinking--' + +'Yes, Mas'r Davy?' + +'I am thinking,' said I, 'that I'll go down again to Yarmouth. There's +time, and to spare, for me to go and come back before the ship sails. My +mind is constantly running on him, in his solitude; to put this letter +of her writing in his hand at this time, and to enable you to tell her, +in the moment of parting, that he has got it, will be a kindness to +both of them. I solemnly accepted his commission, dear good fellow, and +cannot discharge it too completely. The journey is nothing to me. I am +restless, and shall be better in motion. I'll go down tonight.' + +Though he anxiously endeavoured to dissuade me, I saw that he was of my +mind; and this, if I had required to be confirmed in my intention, would +have had the effect. He went round to the coach office, at my request, +and took the box-seat for me on the mail. In the evening I started, +by that conveyance, down the road I had traversed under so many +vicissitudes. + +'Don't you think that,' I asked the coachman, in the first stage out of +London, 'a very remarkable sky? I don't remember to have seen one like +it.' + +'Nor I--not equal to it,' he replied. 'That's wind, sir. There'll be +mischief done at sea, I expect, before long.' + +It was a murky confusion--here and there blotted with a colour like the +colour of the smoke from damp fuel--of flying clouds, tossed up into +most remarkable heaps, suggesting greater heights in the clouds than +there were depths below them to the bottom of the deepest hollows in the +earth, through which the wild moon seemed to plunge headlong, as if, in +a dread disturbance of the laws of nature, she had lost her way and were +frightened. There had been a wind all day; and it was rising then, with +an extraordinary great sound. In another hour it had much increased, and +the sky was more overcast, and blew hard. + +But, as the night advanced, the clouds closing in and densely +over-spreading the whole sky, then very dark, it came on to blow, harder +and harder. It still increased, until our horses could scarcely face +the wind. Many times, in the dark part of the night (it was then late in +September, when the nights were not short), the leaders turned about, or +came to a dead stop; and we were often in serious apprehension that the +coach would be blown over. Sweeping gusts of rain came up before this +storm, like showers of steel; and, at those times, when there was any +shelter of trees or lee walls to be got, we were fain to stop, in a +sheer impossibility of continuing the struggle. + +When the day broke, it blew harder and harder. I had been in Yarmouth +when the seamen said it blew great guns, but I had never known the like +of this, or anything approaching to it. We came to Ipswich--very late, +having had to fight every inch of ground since we were ten miles out of +London; and found a cluster of people in the market-place, who had +risen from their beds in the night, fearful of falling chimneys. Some of +these, congregating about the inn-yard while we changed horses, told us +of great sheets of lead having been ripped off a high church-tower, and +flung into a by-street, which they then blocked up. Others had to tell +of country people, coming in from neighbouring villages, who had seen +great trees lying torn out of the earth, and whole ricks scattered about +the roads and fields. Still, there was no abatement in the storm, but it +blew harder. + +As we struggled on, nearer and nearer to the sea, from which this mighty +wind was blowing dead on shore, its force became more and more terrific. +Long before we saw the sea, its spray was on our lips, and showered +salt rain upon us. The water was out, over miles and miles of the flat +country adjacent to Yarmouth; and every sheet and puddle lashed its +banks, and had its stress of little breakers setting heavily towards us. +When we came within sight of the sea, the waves on the horizon, caught +at intervals above the rolling abyss, were like glimpses of another +shore with towers and buildings. When at last we got into the town, the +people came out to their doors, all aslant, and with streaming hair, +making a wonder of the mail that had come through such a night. + +I put up at the old inn, and went down to look at the sea; staggering +along the street, which was strewn with sand and seaweed, and with +flying blotches of sea-foam; afraid of falling slates and tiles; and +holding by people I met, at angry corners. Coming near the beach, I saw, +not only the boatmen, but half the people of the town, lurking behind +buildings; some, now and then braving the fury of the storm to look +away to sea, and blown sheer out of their course in trying to get zigzag +back. + +Joining these groups, I found bewailing women whose husbands were away +in herring or oyster boats, which there was too much reason to think +might have foundered before they could run in anywhere for safety. +Grizzled old sailors were among the people, shaking their heads, as they +looked from water to sky, and muttering to one another; ship-owners, +excited and uneasy; children, huddling together, and peering into older +faces; even stout mariners, disturbed and anxious, levelling their +glasses at the sea from behind places of shelter, as if they were +surveying an enemy. + +The tremendous sea itself, when I could find sufficient pause to look at +it, in the agitation of the blinding wind, the flying stones and sand, +and the awful noise, confounded me. As the high watery walls came +rolling in, and, at their highest, tumbled into surf, they looked as if +the least would engulf the town. As the receding wave swept back with a +hoarse roar, it seemed to scoop out deep caves in the beach, as if its +purpose were to undermine the earth. When some white-headed billows +thundered on, and dashed themselves to pieces before they reached the +land, every fragment of the late whole seemed possessed by the full +might of its wrath, rushing to be gathered to the composition of another +monster. Undulating hills were changed to valleys, undulating valleys +(with a solitary storm-bird sometimes skimming through them) were lifted +up to hills; masses of water shivered and shook the beach with a booming +sound; every shape tumultuously rolled on, as soon as made, to change +its shape and place, and beat another shape and place away; the ideal +shore on the horizon, with its towers and buildings, rose and fell; the +clouds fell fast and thick; I seemed to see a rending and upheaving of +all nature. + +Not finding Ham among the people whom this memorable wind--for it is +still remembered down there, as the greatest ever known to blow upon +that coast--had brought together, I made my way to his house. It was +shut; and as no one answered to my knocking, I went, by back ways and +by-lanes, to the yard where he worked. I learned, there, that he had +gone to Lowestoft, to meet some sudden exigency of ship-repairing +in which his skill was required; but that he would be back tomorrow +morning, in good time. + +I went back to the inn; and when I had washed and dressed, and tried to +sleep, but in vain, it was five o'clock in the afternoon. I had not sat +five minutes by the coffee-room fire, when the waiter, coming to stir +it, as an excuse for talking, told me that two colliers had gone down, +with all hands, a few miles away; and that some other ships had been +seen labouring hard in the Roads, and trying, in great distress, to keep +off shore. Mercy on them, and on all poor sailors, said he, if we had +another night like the last! + +I was very much depressed in spirits; very solitary; and felt an +uneasiness in Ham's not being there, disproportionate to the occasion. I +was seriously affected, without knowing how much, by late events; and my +long exposure to the fierce wind had confused me. There was that jumble +in my thoughts and recollections, that I had lost the clear arrangement +of time and distance. Thus, if I had gone out into the town, I should +not have been surprised, I think, to encounter someone who I knew must +be then in London. So to speak, there was in these respects a curious +inattention in my mind. Yet it was busy, too, with all the remembrances +the place naturally awakened; and they were particularly distinct and +vivid. + +In this state, the waiter's dismal intelligence about the ships +immediately connected itself, without any effort of my volition, with my +uneasiness about Ham. I was persuaded that I had an apprehension of his +returning from Lowestoft by sea, and being lost. This grew so strong +with me, that I resolved to go back to the yard before I took my dinner, +and ask the boat-builder if he thought his attempting to return by sea +at all likely? If he gave me the least reason to think so, I would go +over to Lowestoft and prevent it by bringing him with me. + +I hastily ordered my dinner, and went back to the yard. I was none too +soon; for the boat-builder, with a lantern in his hand, was locking +the yard-gate. He quite laughed when I asked him the question, and said +there was no fear; no man in his senses, or out of them, would put off +in such a gale of wind, least of all Ham Peggotty, who had been born to +seafaring. + +So sensible of this, beforehand, that I had really felt ashamed of doing +what I was nevertheless impelled to do, I went back to the inn. If +such a wind could rise, I think it was rising. The howl and roar, the +rattling of the doors and windows, the rumbling in the chimneys, the +apparent rocking of the very house that sheltered me, and the prodigious +tumult of the sea, were more fearful than in the morning. But there +was now a great darkness besides; and that invested the storm with new +terrors, real and fanciful. + +I could not eat, I could not sit still, I could not continue steadfast +to anything. Something within me, faintly answering to the storm +without, tossed up the depths of my memory and made a tumult in them. +Yet, in all the hurry of my thoughts, wild running with the thundering +sea,--the storm, and my uneasiness regarding Ham were always in the +fore-ground. + +My dinner went away almost untasted, and I tried to refresh myself with +a glass or two of wine. In vain. I fell into a dull slumber before +the fire, without losing my consciousness, either of the uproar out of +doors, or of the place in which I was. Both became overshadowed by a new +and indefinable horror; and when I awoke--or rather when I shook off +the lethargy that bound me in my chair--my whole frame thrilled with +objectless and unintelligible fear. + +I walked to and fro, tried to read an old gazetteer, listened to the +awful noises: looked at faces, scenes, and figures in the fire. +At length, the steady ticking of the undisturbed clock on the wall +tormented me to that degree that I resolved to go to bed. + +It was reassuring, on such a night, to be told that some of the +inn-servants had agreed together to sit up until morning. I went to bed, +exceedingly weary and heavy; but, on my lying down, all such sensations +vanished, as if by magic, and I was broad awake, with every sense +refined. + +For hours I lay there, listening to the wind and water; imagining, now, +that I heard shrieks out at sea; now, that I distinctly heard the firing +of signal guns; and now, the fall of houses in the town. I got up, +several times, and looked out; but could see nothing, except the +reflection in the window-panes of the faint candle I had left burning, +and of my own haggard face looking in at me from the black void. + +At length, my restlessness attained to such a pitch, that I hurried on +my clothes, and went downstairs. In the large kitchen, where I dimly +saw bacon and ropes of onions hanging from the beams, the watchers were +clustered together, in various attitudes, about a table, purposely moved +away from the great chimney, and brought near the door. A pretty girl, +who had her ears stopped with her apron, and her eyes upon the door, +screamed when I appeared, supposing me to be a spirit; but the others +had more presence of mind, and were glad of an addition to their +company. One man, referring to the topic they had been discussing, asked +me whether I thought the souls of the collier-crews who had gone down, +were out in the storm? + +I remained there, I dare say, two hours. Once, I opened the yard-gate, +and looked into the empty street. The sand, the sea-weed, and the flakes +of foam, were driving by; and I was obliged to call for assistance +before I could shut the gate again, and make it fast against the wind. + +There was a dark gloom in my solitary chamber, when I at length returned +to it; but I was tired now, and, getting into bed again, fell--off +a tower and down a precipice--into the depths of sleep. I have an +impression that for a long time, though I dreamed of being elsewhere and +in a variety of scenes, it was always blowing in my dream. At length, +I lost that feeble hold upon reality, and was engaged with two dear +friends, but who they were I don't know, at the siege of some town in a +roar of cannonading. + +The thunder of the cannon was so loud and incessant, that I could not +hear something I much desired to hear, until I made a great exertion +and awoke. It was broad day--eight or nine o'clock; the storm raging, in +lieu of the batteries; and someone knocking and calling at my door. + +'What is the matter?' I cried. + +'A wreck! Close by!' + +I sprung out of bed, and asked, what wreck? + +'A schooner, from Spain or Portugal, laden with fruit and wine. Make +haste, sir, if you want to see her! It's thought, down on the beach, +she'll go to pieces every moment.' + +The excited voice went clamouring along the staircase; and I wrapped +myself in my clothes as quickly as I could, and ran into the street. + +Numbers of people were there before me, all running in one direction, to +the beach. I ran the same way, outstripping a good many, and soon came +facing the wild sea. + +The wind might by this time have lulled a little, though not more +sensibly than if the cannonading I had dreamed of, had been diminished +by the silencing of half-a-dozen guns out of hundreds. But the sea, +having upon it the additional agitation of the whole night, was +infinitely more terrific than when I had seen it last. Every appearance +it had then presented, bore the expression of being swelled; and the +height to which the breakers rose, and, looking over one another, +bore one another down, and rolled in, in interminable hosts, was most +appalling. In the difficulty of hearing anything but wind and waves, +and in the crowd, and the unspeakable confusion, and my first breathless +efforts to stand against the weather, I was so confused that I looked +out to sea for the wreck, and saw nothing but the foaming heads of the +great waves. A half-dressed boatman, standing next me, pointed with his +bare arm (a tattoo'd arrow on it, pointing in the same direction) to the +left. Then, O great Heaven, I saw it, close in upon us! + +One mast was broken short off, six or eight feet from the deck, and lay +over the side, entangled in a maze of sail and rigging; and all that +ruin, as the ship rolled and beat--which she did without a moment's +pause, and with a violence quite inconceivable--beat the side as if it +would stave it in. Some efforts were even then being made, to cut this +portion of the wreck away; for, as the ship, which was broadside on, +turned towards us in her rolling, I plainly descried her people at +work with axes, especially one active figure with long curling hair, +conspicuous among the rest. But a great cry, which was audible even +above the wind and water, rose from the shore at this moment; the sea, +sweeping over the rolling wreck, made a clean breach, and carried men, +spars, casks, planks, bulwarks, heaps of such toys, into the boiling +surge. + +The second mast was yet standing, with the rags of a rent sail, and +a wild confusion of broken cordage flapping to and fro. The ship had +struck once, the same boatman hoarsely said in my ear, and then lifted +in and struck again. I understood him to add that she was parting +amidships, and I could readily suppose so, for the rolling and beating +were too tremendous for any human work to suffer long. As he spoke, +there was another great cry of pity from the beach; four men arose with +the wreck out of the deep, clinging to the rigging of the remaining +mast; uppermost, the active figure with the curling hair. + +There was a bell on board; and as the ship rolled and dashed, like a +desperate creature driven mad, now showing us the whole sweep of her +deck, as she turned on her beam-ends towards the shore, now nothing but +her keel, as she sprung wildly over and turned towards the sea, the bell +rang; and its sound, the knell of those unhappy men, was borne towards +us on the wind. Again we lost her, and again she rose. Two men were +gone. The agony on the shore increased. Men groaned, and clasped their +hands; women shrieked, and turned away their faces. Some ran wildly +up and down along the beach, crying for help where no help could be. I +found myself one of these, frantically imploring a knot of sailors whom +I knew, not to let those two lost creatures perish before our eyes. + +They were making out to me, in an agitated way--I don't know how, +for the little I could hear I was scarcely composed enough to +understand--that the lifeboat had been bravely manned an hour ago, and +could do nothing; and that as no man would be so desperate as to attempt +to wade off with a rope, and establish a communication with the shore, +there was nothing left to try; when I noticed that some new sensation +moved the people on the beach, and saw them part, and Ham come breaking +through them to the front. + +I ran to him--as well as I know, to repeat my appeal for help. But, +distracted though I was, by a sight so new to me and terrible, the +determination in his face, and his look out to sea--exactly the same +look as I remembered in connexion with the morning after Emily's +flight--awoke me to a knowledge of his danger. I held him back with both +arms; and implored the men with whom I had been speaking, not to listen +to him, not to do murder, not to let him stir from off that sand! + +Another cry arose on shore; and looking to the wreck, we saw the cruel +sail, with blow on blow, beat off the lower of the two men, and fly up +in triumph round the active figure left alone upon the mast. + +Against such a sight, and against such determination as that of the +calmly desperate man who was already accustomed to lead half the people +present, I might as hopefully have entreated the wind. 'Mas'r Davy,' +he said, cheerily grasping me by both hands, 'if my time is come, 'tis +come. If 'tan't, I'll bide it. Lord above bless you, and bless all! +Mates, make me ready! I'm a-going off!' + +I was swept away, but not unkindly, to some distance, where the people +around me made me stay; urging, as I confusedly perceived, that he was +bent on going, with help or without, and that I should endanger the +precautions for his safety by troubling those with whom they rested. I +don't know what I answered, or what they rejoined; but I saw hurry on +the beach, and men running with ropes from a capstan that was there, and +penetrating into a circle of figures that hid him from me. Then, I saw +him standing alone, in a seaman's frock and trousers: a rope in his +hand, or slung to his wrist: another round his body: and several of the +best men holding, at a little distance, to the latter, which he laid out +himself, slack upon the shore, at his feet. + +The wreck, even to my unpractised eye, was breaking up. I saw that she +was parting in the middle, and that the life of the solitary man upon +the mast hung by a thread. Still, he clung to it. He had a singular red +cap on,--not like a sailor's cap, but of a finer colour; and as the few +yielding planks between him and destruction rolled and bulged, and his +anticipative death-knell rung, he was seen by all of us to wave it. I +saw him do it now, and thought I was going distracted, when his action +brought an old remembrance to my mind of a once dear friend. + +Ham watched the sea, standing alone, with the silence of suspended +breath behind him, and the storm before, until there was a great +retiring wave, when, with a backward glance at those who held the rope +which was made fast round his body, he dashed in after it, and in a +moment was buffeting with the water; rising with the hills, falling +with the valleys, lost beneath the foam; then drawn again to land. They +hauled in hastily. + +He was hurt. I saw blood on his face, from where I stood; but he took +no thought of that. He seemed hurriedly to give them some directions for +leaving him more free--or so I judged from the motion of his arm--and +was gone as before. + +And now he made for the wreck, rising with the hills, falling with the +valleys, lost beneath the rugged foam, borne in towards the shore, +borne on towards the ship, striving hard and valiantly. The distance was +nothing, but the power of the sea and wind made the strife deadly. At +length he neared the wreck. He was so near, that with one more of his +vigorous strokes he would be clinging to it,--when a high, green, vast +hill-side of water, moving on shoreward, from beyond the ship, he seemed +to leap up into it with a mighty bound, and the ship was gone! + +Some eddying fragments I saw in the sea, as if a mere cask had been +broken, in running to the spot where they were hauling in. Consternation +was in every face. They drew him to my very feet--insensible--dead. +He was carried to the nearest house; and, no one preventing me now, I +remained near him, busy, while every means of restoration were tried; +but he had been beaten to death by the great wave, and his generous +heart was stilled for ever. + +As I sat beside the bed, when hope was abandoned and all was done, a +fisherman, who had known me when Emily and I were children, and ever +since, whispered my name at the door. + +'Sir,' said he, with tears starting to his weather-beaten face, which, +with his trembling lips, was ashy pale, 'will you come over yonder?' + +The old remembrance that had been recalled to me, was in his look. I +asked him, terror-stricken, leaning on the arm he held out to support +me: + +'Has a body come ashore?' + +He said, 'Yes.' + +'Do I know it?' I asked then. + +He answered nothing. + +But he led me to the shore. And on that part of it where she and I had +looked for shells, two children--on that part of it where some lighter +fragments of the old boat, blown down last night, had been scattered by +the wind--among the ruins of the home he had wronged--I saw him lying +with his head upon his arm, as I had often seen him lie at school. + + + +CHAPTER 56. THE NEW WOUND, AND THE OLD + +No need, O Steerforth, to have said, when we last spoke together, in +that hour which I so little deemed to be our parting-hour--no need to +have said, 'Think of me at my best!' I had done that ever; and could I +change now, looking on this sight! + +They brought a hand-bier, and laid him on it, and covered him with a +flag, and took him up and bore him on towards the houses. All the men +who carried him had known him, and gone sailing with him, and seen him +merry and bold. They carried him through the wild roar, a hush in the +midst of all the tumult; and took him to the cottage where Death was +already. + +But when they set the bier down on the threshold, they looked at one +another, and at me, and whispered. I knew why. They felt as if it were +not right to lay him down in the same quiet room. + +We went into the town, and took our burden to the inn. So soon as I +could at all collect my thoughts, I sent for Joram, and begged him to +provide me a conveyance in which it could be got to London in the night. +I knew that the care of it, and the hard duty of preparing his mother to +receive it, could only rest with me; and I was anxious to discharge that +duty as faithfully as I could. + +I chose the night for the journey, that there might be less curiosity +when I left the town. But, although it was nearly midnight when I came +out of the yard in a chaise, followed by what I had in charge, there +were many people waiting. At intervals, along the town, and even a +little way out upon the road, I saw more: but at length only the bleak +night and the open country were around me, and the ashes of my youthful +friendship. + +Upon a mellow autumn day, about noon, when the ground was perfumed by +fallen leaves, and many more, in beautiful tints of yellow, red, and +brown, yet hung upon the trees, through which the sun was shining, I +arrived at Highgate. I walked the last mile, thinking as I went along of +what I had to do; and left the carriage that had followed me all through +the night, awaiting orders to advance. + +The house, when I came up to it, looked just the same. Not a blind was +raised; no sign of life was in the dull paved court, with its covered +way leading to the disused door. The wind had quite gone down, and +nothing moved. + +I had not, at first, the courage to ring at the gate; and when I did +ring, my errand seemed to me to be expressed in the very sound of the +bell. The little parlour-maid came out, with the key in her hand; and +looking earnestly at me as she unlocked the gate, said: + +'I beg your pardon, sir. Are you ill?' + +'I have been much agitated, and am fatigued.' + +'Is anything the matter, sir?---Mr. James?--' 'Hush!' said I. 'Yes, +something has happened, that I have to break to Mrs. Steerforth. She is +at home?' + +The girl anxiously replied that her mistress was very seldom out now, +even in a carriage; that she kept her room; that she saw no company, but +would see me. Her mistress was up, she said, and Miss Dartle was with +her. What message should she take upstairs? + +Giving her a strict charge to be careful of her manner, and only to +carry in my card and say I waited, I sat down in the drawing-room (which +we had now reached) until she should come back. Its former pleasant air +of occupation was gone, and the shutters were half closed. The harp had +not been used for many and many a day. His picture, as a boy, was +there. The cabinet in which his mother had kept his letters was there. I +wondered if she ever read them now; if she would ever read them more! + +The house was so still that I heard the girl's light step upstairs. On +her return, she brought a message, to the effect that Mrs. Steerforth +was an invalid and could not come down; but that if I would excuse her +being in her chamber, she would be glad to see me. In a few moments I +stood before her. + +She was in his room; not in her own. I felt, of course, that she had +taken to occupy it, in remembrance of him; and that the many tokens +of his old sports and accomplishments, by which she was surrounded, +remained there, just as he had left them, for the same reason. She +murmured, however, even in her reception of me, that she was out of her +own chamber because its aspect was unsuited to her infirmity; and with +her stately look repelled the least suspicion of the truth. + +At her chair, as usual, was Rosa Dartle. From the first moment of +her dark eyes resting on me, I saw she knew I was the bearer of evil +tidings. The scar sprung into view that instant. She withdrew herself +a step behind the chair, to keep her own face out of Mrs. Steerforth's +observation; and scrutinized me with a piercing gaze that never +faltered, never shrunk. + +'I am sorry to observe you are in mourning, sir,' said Mrs. Steerforth. + +'I am unhappily a widower,' said I. + +'You are very young to know so great a loss,' she returned. 'I am +grieved to hear it. I am grieved to hear it. I hope Time will be good to +you.' + +'I hope Time,' said I, looking at her, 'will be good to all of us. +Dear Mrs. Steerforth, we must all trust to that, in our heaviest +misfortunes.' + +The earnestness of my manner, and the tears in my eyes, alarmed her. The +whole course of her thoughts appeared to stop, and change. + +I tried to command my voice in gently saying his name, but it trembled. +She repeated it to herself, two or three times, in a low tone. Then, +addressing me, she said, with enforced calmness: + +'My son is ill.' + +'Very ill.' + +'You have seen him?' + +'I have.' + +'Are you reconciled?' + +I could not say Yes, I could not say No. She slightly turned her head +towards the spot where Rosa Dartle had been standing at her elbow, and +in that moment I said, by the motion of my lips, to Rosa, 'Dead!' + +That Mrs. Steerforth might not be induced to look behind her, and read, +plainly written, what she was not yet prepared to know, I met her look +quickly; but I had seen Rosa Dartle throw her hands up in the air with +vehemence of despair and horror, and then clasp them on her face. + +The handsome lady--so like, oh so like!--regarded me with a fixed look, +and put her hand to her forehead. I besought her to be calm, and prepare +herself to bear what I had to tell; but I should rather have entreated +her to weep, for she sat like a stone figure. + +'When I was last here,' I faltered, 'Miss Dartle told me he was sailing +here and there. The night before last was a dreadful one at sea. If he +were at sea that night, and near a dangerous coast, as it is said he +was; and if the vessel that was seen should really be the ship which--' + +'Rosa!' said Mrs. Steerforth, 'come to me!' + +She came, but with no sympathy or gentleness. Her eyes gleamed like fire +as she confronted his mother, and broke into a frightful laugh. + +'Now,' she said, 'is your pride appeased, you madwoman? Now has he made +atonement to you--with his life! Do you hear?---His life!' + +Mrs. Steerforth, fallen back stiffly in her chair, and making no sound +but a moan, cast her eyes upon her with a wide stare. + +'Aye!' cried Rosa, smiting herself passionately on the breast, 'look at +me! Moan, and groan, and look at me! Look here!' striking the scar, 'at +your dead child's handiwork!' + +The moan the mother uttered, from time to time, went to My heart. Always +the same. Always inarticulate and stifled. Always accompanied with +an incapable motion of the head, but with no change of face. Always +proceeding from a rigid mouth and closed teeth, as if the jaw were +locked and the face frozen up in pain. + +'Do you remember when he did this?' she proceeded. 'Do you remember +when, in his inheritance of your nature, and in your pampering of his +pride and passion, he did this, and disfigured me for life? Look at me, +marked until I die with his high displeasure; and moan and groan for +what you made him!' + +'Miss Dartle,' I entreated her. 'For Heaven's sake--' + +'I WILL speak!' she said, turning on me with her lightning eyes. 'Be +silent, you! Look at me, I say, proud mother of a proud, false son! Moan +for your nurture of him, moan for your corruption of him, moan for your +loss of him, moan for mine!' + +She clenched her hand, and trembled through her spare, worn figure, as +if her passion were killing her by inches. + +'You, resent his self-will!' she exclaimed. 'You, injured by his haughty +temper! You, who opposed to both, when your hair was grey, the qualities +which made both when you gave him birth! YOU, who from his cradle reared +him to be what he was, and stunted what he should have been! Are you +rewarded, now, for your years of trouble?' + +'Oh, Miss Dartle, shame! Oh cruel!' + +'I tell you,' she returned, 'I WILL speak to her. No power on earth +should stop me, while I was standing here! Have I been silent all these +years, and shall I not speak now? I loved him better than you ever loved +him!' turning on her fiercely. 'I could have loved him, and asked no +return. If I had been his wife, I could have been the slave of his +caprices for a word of love a year. I should have been. Who knows it +better than I? You were exacting, proud, punctilious, selfish. My love +would have been devoted--would have trod your paltry whimpering under +foot!' + +With flashing eyes, she stamped upon the ground as if she actually did +it. + +'Look here!' she said, striking the scar again, with a relentless hand. +'When he grew into the better understanding of what he had done, he saw +it, and repented of it! I could sing to him, and talk to him, and show +the ardour that I felt in all he did, and attain with labour to such +knowledge as most interested him; and I attracted him. When he was +freshest and truest, he loved me. Yes, he did! Many a time, when you +were put off with a slight word, he has taken Me to his heart!' + +She said it with a taunting pride in the midst of her frenzy--for it +was little less--yet with an eager remembrance of it, in which the +smouldering embers of a gentler feeling kindled for the moment. + +'I descended--as I might have known I should, but that he fascinated me +with his boyish courtship--into a doll, a trifle for the occupation +of an idle hour, to be dropped, and taken up, and trifled with, as the +inconstant humour took him. When he grew weary, I grew weary. As his +fancy died out, I would no more have tried to strengthen any power I +had, than I would have married him on his being forced to take me for +his wife. We fell away from one another without a word. Perhaps you saw +it, and were not sorry. Since then, I have been a mere disfigured piece +of furniture between you both; having no eyes, no ears, no feelings, +no remembrances. Moan? Moan for what you made him; not for your love. I +tell you that the time was, when I loved him better than you ever did!' + +She stood with her bright angry eyes confronting the wide stare, and the +set face; and softened no more, when the moaning was repeated, than if +the face had been a picture. + +'Miss Dartle,' said I, 'if you can be so obdurate as not to feel for +this afflicted mother--' + +'Who feels for me?' she sharply retorted. 'She has sown this. Let her +moan for the harvest that she reaps today!' + +'And if his faults--' I began. + +'Faults!' she cried, bursting into passionate tears. 'Who dares malign +him? He had a soul worth millions of the friends to whom he stooped!' + +'No one can have loved him better, no one can hold him in dearer +remembrance than I,' I replied. 'I meant to say, if you have no +compassion for his mother; or if his faults--you have been bitter on +them--' + +'It's false,' she cried, tearing her black hair; 'I loved him!' + +'--if his faults cannot,' I went on, 'be banished from your remembrance, +in such an hour; look at that figure, even as one you have never seen +before, and render it some help!' + +All this time, the figure was unchanged, and looked unchangeable. +Motionless, rigid, staring; moaning in the same dumb way from time to +time, with the same helpless motion of the head; but giving no other +sign of life. Miss Dartle suddenly kneeled down before it, and began to +loosen the dress. + +'A curse upon you!' she said, looking round at me, with a mingled +expression of rage and grief. 'It was in an evil hour that you ever came +here! A curse upon you! Go!' + +After passing out of the room, I hurried back to ring the bell, the +sooner to alarm the servants. She had then taken the impassive figure +in her arms, and, still upon her knees, was weeping over it, kissing it, +calling to it, rocking it to and fro upon her bosom like a child, and +trying every tender means to rouse the dormant senses. No longer afraid +of leaving her, I noiselessly turned back again; and alarmed the house +as I went out. + +Later in the day, I returned, and we laid him in his mother's room. She +was just the same, they told me; Miss Dartle never left her; doctors +were in attendance, many things had been tried; but she lay like a +statue, except for the low sound now and then. + +I went through the dreary house, and darkened the windows. The windows +of the chamber where he lay, I darkened last. I lifted up the leaden +hand, and held it to my heart; and all the world seemed death and +silence, broken only by his mother's moaning. + + + +CHAPTER 57. THE EMIGRANTS + + +One thing more, I had to do, before yielding myself to the shock of +these emotions. It was, to conceal what had occurred, from those who +were going away; and to dismiss them on their voyage in happy ignorance. +In this, no time was to be lost. + +I took Mr. Micawber aside that same night, and confided to him the +task of standing between Mr. Peggotty and intelligence of the late +catastrophe. He zealously undertook to do so, and to intercept any +newspaper through which it might, without such precautions, reach him. + +'If it penetrates to him, sir,' said Mr. Micawber, striking himself on +the breast, 'it shall first pass through this body!' + +Mr. Micawber, I must observe, in his adaptation of himself to a new +state of society, had acquired a bold buccaneering air, not absolutely +lawless, but defensive and prompt. One might have supposed him a child +of the wilderness, long accustomed to live out of the confines of +civilization, and about to return to his native wilds. + +He had provided himself, among other things, with a complete suit of +oilskin, and a straw hat with a very low crown, pitched or caulked on +the outside. In this rough clothing, with a common mariner's telescope +under his arm, and a shrewd trick of casting up his eye at the sky +as looking out for dirty weather, he was far more nautical, after his +manner, than Mr. Peggotty. His whole family, if I may so express it, +were cleared for action. I found Mrs. Micawber in the closest and most +uncompromising of bonnets, made fast under the chin; and in a shawl +which tied her up (as I had been tied up, when my aunt first received +me) like a bundle, and was secured behind at the waist, in a strong +knot. Miss Micawber I found made snug for stormy weather, in the same +manner; with nothing superfluous about her. Master Micawber was hardly +visible in a Guernsey shirt, and the shaggiest suit of slops I ever +saw; and the children were done up, like preserved meats, in impervious +cases. Both Mr. Micawber and his eldest son wore their sleeves loosely +turned back at the wrists, as being ready to lend a hand in any +direction, and to 'tumble up', or sing out, 'Yeo--Heave--Yeo!' on the +shortest notice. + +Thus Traddles and I found them at nightfall, assembled on the wooden +steps, at that time known as Hungerford Stairs, watching the departure +of a boat with some of their property on board. I had told Traddles of +the terrible event, and it had greatly shocked him; but there could be +no doubt of the kindness of keeping it a secret, and he had come to help +me in this last service. It was here that I took Mr. Micawber aside, and +received his promise. + +The Micawber family were lodged in a little, dirty, tumble-down +public-house, which in those days was close to the stairs, and whose +protruding wooden rooms overhung the river. The family, as emigrants, +being objects of some interest in and about Hungerford, attracted so +many beholders, that we were glad to take refuge in their room. It was +one of the wooden chambers upstairs, with the tide flowing underneath. +My aunt and Agnes were there, busily making some little extra comforts, +in the way of dress, for the children. Peggotty was quietly assisting, +with the old insensible work-box, yard-measure, and bit of wax-candle +before her, that had now outlived so much. + +It was not easy to answer her inquiries; still less to whisper Mr. +Peggotty, when Mr. Micawber brought him in, that I had given the letter, +and all was well. But I did both, and made them happy. If I showed any +trace of what I felt, my own sorrows were sufficient to account for it. + +'And when does the ship sail, Mr. Micawber?' asked my aunt. + +Mr. Micawber considered it necessary to prepare either my aunt or his +wife, by degrees, and said, sooner than he had expected yesterday. + +'The boat brought you word, I suppose?' said my aunt. + +'It did, ma'am,' he returned. + +'Well?' said my aunt. 'And she sails--' + +'Madam,' he replied, 'I am informed that we must positively be on board +before seven tomorrow morning.' + +'Heyday!' said my aunt, 'that's soon. Is it a sea-going fact, Mr. +Peggotty?' ''Tis so, ma'am. She'll drop down the river with that theer +tide. If Mas'r Davy and my sister comes aboard at Gravesen', arternoon +o' next day, they'll see the last on us.' + +'And that we shall do,' said I, 'be sure!' + +'Until then, and until we are at sea,' observed Mr. Micawber, with a +glance of intelligence at me, 'Mr. Peggotty and myself will constantly +keep a double look-out together, on our goods and chattels. Emma, my +love,' said Mr. Micawber, clearing his throat in his magnificent way, +'my friend Mr. Thomas Traddles is so obliging as to solicit, in my ear, +that he should have the privilege of ordering the ingredients necessary +to the composition of a moderate portion of that Beverage which is +peculiarly associated, in our minds, with the Roast Beef of Old England. +I allude to--in short, Punch. Under ordinary circumstances, I should +scruple to entreat the indulgence of Miss Trotwood and Miss Wickfield, +but-' + +'I can only say for myself,' said my aunt, 'that I will drink all +happiness and success to you, Mr. Micawber, with the utmost pleasure.' + +'And I too!' said Agnes, with a smile. + +Mr. Micawber immediately descended to the bar, where he appeared to be +quite at home; and in due time returned with a steaming jug. I could +not but observe that he had been peeling the lemons with his own +clasp-knife, which, as became the knife of a practical settler, was +about a foot long; and which he wiped, not wholly without ostentation, +on the sleeve of his coat. Mrs. Micawber and the two elder members +of the family I now found to be provided with similar formidable +instruments, while every child had its own wooden spoon attached to its +body by a strong line. In a similar anticipation of life afloat, and in +the Bush, Mr. Micawber, instead of helping Mrs. Micawber and his eldest +son and daughter to punch, in wine-glasses, which he might easily have +done, for there was a shelf-full in the room, served it out to them in a +series of villainous little tin pots; and I never saw him enjoy anything +so much as drinking out of his own particular pint pot, and putting it +in his pocket at the close of the evening. + +'The luxuries of the old country,' said Mr. Micawber, with an intense +satisfaction in their renouncement, 'we abandon. The denizens of the +forest cannot, of course, expect to participate in the refinements of +the land of the Free.' + +Here, a boy came in to say that Mr. Micawber was wanted downstairs. + +'I have a presentiment,' said Mrs. Micawber, setting down her tin pot, +'that it is a member of my family!' + +'If so, my dear,' observed Mr. Micawber, with his usual suddenness of +warmth on that subject, 'as the member of your family--whoever he, she, +or it, may be--has kept us waiting for a considerable period, perhaps +the Member may now wait MY convenience.' + +'Micawber,' said his wife, in a low tone, 'at such a time as this--' + +'"It is not meet,"' said Mr. Micawber, rising, '"that every nice offence +should bear its comment!" Emma, I stand reproved.' + +'The loss, Micawber,' observed his wife, 'has been my family's, not +yours. If my family are at length sensible of the deprivation to which +their own conduct has, in the past, exposed them, and now desire to +extend the hand of fellowship, let it not be repulsed.' + +'My dear,' he returned, 'so be it!' + +'If not for their sakes; for mine, Micawber,' said his wife. + +'Emma,' he returned, 'that view of the question is, at such a moment, +irresistible. I cannot, even now, distinctly pledge myself to fall +upon your family's neck; but the member of your family, who is now in +attendance, shall have no genial warmth frozen by me.' + +Mr. Micawber withdrew, and was absent some little time; in the course of +which Mrs. Micawber was not wholly free from an apprehension that words +might have arisen between him and the Member. At length the same boy +reappeared, and presented me with a note written in pencil, and headed, +in a legal manner, 'Heep v. Micawber'. From this document, I learned +that Mr. Micawber being again arrested, 'Was in a final paroxysm of +despair; and that he begged me to send him his knife and pint pot, by +bearer, as they might prove serviceable during the brief remainder of +his existence, in jail. He also requested, as a last act of friendship, +that I would see his family to the Parish Workhouse, and forget that +such a Being ever lived. + +Of course I answered this note by going down with the boy to pay the +money, where I found Mr. Micawber sitting in a corner, looking darkly at +the Sheriff 's Officer who had effected the capture. On his release, +he embraced me with the utmost fervour; and made an entry of the +transaction in his pocket-book--being very particular, I recollect, +about a halfpenny I inadvertently omitted from my statement of the +total. + +This momentous pocket-book was a timely reminder to him of another +transaction. On our return to the room upstairs (where he accounted for +his absence by saying that it had been occasioned by circumstances over +which he had no control), he took out of it a large sheet of paper, +folded small, and quite covered with long sums, carefully worked. From +the glimpse I had of them, I should say that I never saw such sums +out of a school ciphering-book. These, it seemed, were calculations of +compound interest on what he called 'the principal amount of forty-one, +ten, eleven and a half', for various periods. After a careful +consideration of these, and an elaborate estimate of his resources, +he had come to the conclusion to select that sum which represented the +amount with compound interest to two years, fifteen calendar months, and +fourteen days, from that date. For this he had drawn a note-of-hand +with great neatness, which he handed over to Traddles on the spot, +a discharge of his debt in full (as between man and man), with many +acknowledgements. + +'I have still a presentiment,' said Mrs. Micawber, pensively shaking her +head, 'that my family will appear on board, before we finally depart.' + +Mr. Micawber evidently had his presentiment on the subject too, but he +put it in his tin pot and swallowed it. + +'If you have any opportunity of sending letters home, on your passage, +Mrs. Micawber,' said my aunt, 'you must let us hear from you, you know.' + +'My dear Miss Trotwood,' she replied, 'I shall only be too happy +to think that anyone expects to hear from us. I shall not fail to +correspond. Mr. Copperfield, I trust, as an old and familiar friend, +will not object to receive occasional intelligence, himself, from one +who knew him when the twins were yet unconscious?' + +I said that I should hope to hear, whenever she had an opportunity of +writing. + +'Please Heaven, there will be many such opportunities,' said Mr. +Micawber. 'The ocean, in these times, is a perfect fleet of ships; and +we can hardly fail to encounter many, in running over. It is merely +crossing,' said Mr. Micawber, trifling with his eye-glass, 'merely +crossing. The distance is quite imaginary.' + +I think, now, how odd it was, but how wonderfully like Mr. Micawber, +that, when he went from London to Canterbury, he should have talked as +if he were going to the farthest limits of the earth; and, when he went +from England to Australia, as if he were going for a little trip across +the channel. + +'On the voyage, I shall endeavour,' said Mr. Micawber, 'occasionally +to spin them a yarn; and the melody of my son Wilkins will, I trust, +be acceptable at the galley-fire. When Mrs. Micawber has her +sea-legs on--an expression in which I hope there is no conventional +impropriety--she will give them, I dare say, "Little Tafflin". Porpoises +and dolphins, I believe, will be frequently observed athwart our +Bows; and, either on the starboard or the larboard quarter, objects of +interest will be continually descried. In short,' said Mr. Micawber, +with the old genteel air, 'the probability is, all will be found so +exciting, alow and aloft, that when the lookout, stationed in the +main-top, cries Land-oh! we shall be very considerably astonished!' + +With that he flourished off the contents of his little tin pot, as if he +had made the voyage, and had passed a first-class examination before the +highest naval authorities. + +'What I chiefly hope, my dear Mr. Copperfield,' said Mrs. Micawber, +'is, that in some branches of our family we may live again in the old +country. Do not frown, Micawber! I do not now refer to my own family, +but to our children's children. However vigorous the sapling,' said Mrs. +Micawber, shaking her head, 'I cannot forget the parent-tree; and when +our race attains to eminence and fortune, I own I should wish that +fortune to flow into the coffers of Britannia.' + +'My dear,' said Mr. Micawber, 'Britannia must take her chance. I am +bound to say that she has never done much for me, and that I have no +particular wish upon the subject.' + +'Micawber,' returned Mrs. Micawber, 'there, you are wrong. You are going +out, Micawber, to this distant clime, to strengthen, not to weaken, the +connexion between yourself and Albion.' + +'The connexion in question, my love,' rejoined Mr. Micawber, 'has not +laid me, I repeat, under that load of personal obligation, that I am at +all sensitive as to the formation of another connexion.' + +'Micawber,' returned Mrs. Micawber. 'There, I again say, you are wrong. +You do not know your power, Micawber. It is that which will strengthen, +even in this step you are about to take, the connexion between yourself +and Albion.' + +Mr. Micawber sat in his elbow-chair, with his eyebrows raised; half +receiving and half repudiating Mrs. Micawber's views as they were +stated, but very sensible of their foresight. + +'My dear Mr. Copperfield,' said Mrs. Micawber, 'I wish Mr. Micawber to +feel his position. It appears to me highly important that Mr. Micawber +should, from the hour of his embarkation, feel his position. Your old +knowledge of me, my dear Mr. Copperfield, will have told you that I have +not the sanguine disposition of Mr. Micawber. My disposition is, if I +may say so, eminently practical. I know that this is a long voyage. I +know that it will involve many privations and inconveniences. I cannot +shut my eyes to those facts. But I also know what Mr. Micawber is. +I know the latent power of Mr. Micawber. And therefore I consider it +vitally important that Mr. Micawber should feel his position.' + +'My love,' he observed, 'perhaps you will allow me to remark that it is +barely possible that I DO feel my position at the present moment.' + +'I think not, Micawber,' she rejoined. 'Not fully. My dear Mr. +Copperfield, Mr. Micawber's is not a common case. Mr. Micawber is going +to a distant country expressly in order that he may be fully understood +and appreciated for the first time. I wish Mr. Micawber to take his +stand upon that vessel's prow, and firmly say, "This country I am +come to conquer! Have you honours? Have you riches? Have you posts of +profitable pecuniary emolument? Let them be brought forward. They are +mine!"' + +Mr. Micawber, glancing at us all, seemed to think there was a good deal +in this idea. + +'I wish Mr. Micawber, if I make myself understood,' said Mrs. Micawber, +in her argumentative tone, 'to be the Caesar of his own fortunes. That, +my dear Mr. Copperfield, appears to me to be his true position. From +the first moment of this voyage, I wish Mr. Micawber to stand upon +that vessel's prow and say, "Enough of delay: enough of disappointment: +enough of limited means. That was in the old country. This is the new. +Produce your reparation. Bring it forward!"' + +Mr. Micawber folded his arms in a resolute manner, as if he were then +stationed on the figure-head. + +'And doing that,' said Mrs. Micawber, '--feeling his position--am I not +right in saying that Mr. Micawber will strengthen, and not weaken, his +connexion with Britain? An important public character arising in that +hemisphere, shall I be told that its influence will not be felt at home? +Can I be so weak as to imagine that Mr. Micawber, wielding the rod of +talent and of power in Australia, will be nothing in England? I am but +a woman; but I should be unworthy of myself and of my papa, if I were +guilty of such absurd weakness.' + +Mrs. Micawber's conviction that her arguments were unanswerable, gave +a moral elevation to her tone which I think I had never heard in it +before. + +'And therefore it is,' said Mrs. Micawber, 'that I the more wish, that, +at a future period, we may live again on the parent soil. Mr. Micawber +may be--I cannot disguise from myself that the probability is, Mr. +Micawber will be--a page of History; and he ought then to be represented +in the country which gave him birth, and did NOT give him employment!' + +'My love,' observed Mr. Micawber, 'it is impossible for me not to be +touched by your affection. I am always willing to defer to your good +sense. What will be--will be. Heaven forbid that I should grudge my +native country any portion of the wealth that may be accumulated by our +descendants!' + +'That's well,' said my aunt, nodding towards Mr. Peggotty, 'and I drink +my love to you all, and every blessing and success attend you!' + +Mr. Peggotty put down the two children he had been nursing, one on each +knee, to join Mr. and Mrs. Micawber in drinking to all of us in return; +and when he and the Micawbers cordially shook hands as comrades, and his +brown face brightened with a smile, I felt that he would make his way, +establish a good name, and be beloved, go where he would. + +Even the children were instructed, each to dip a wooden spoon into Mr. +Micawber's pot, and pledge us in its contents. When this was done, my +aunt and Agnes rose, and parted from the emigrants. It was a sorrowful +farewell. They were all crying; the children hung about Agnes to the +last; and we left poor Mrs. Micawber in a very distressed condition, +sobbing and weeping by a dim candle, that must have made the room look, +from the river, like a miserable light-house. + +I went down again next morning to see that they were away. They had +departed, in a boat, as early as five o'clock. It was a wonderful +instance to me of the gap such partings make, that although my +association of them with the tumble-down public-house and the wooden +stairs dated only from last night, both seemed dreary and deserted, now +that they were gone. + +In the afternoon of the next day, my old nurse and I went down to +Gravesend. We found the ship in the river, surrounded by a crowd +of boats; a favourable wind blowing; the signal for sailing at her +mast-head. I hired a boat directly, and we put off to her; and getting +through the little vortex of confusion of which she was the centre, went +on board. + +Mr. Peggotty was waiting for us on deck. He told me that Mr. Micawber +had just now been arrested again (and for the last time) at the suit of +Heep, and that, in compliance with a request I had made to him, he had +paid the money, which I repaid him. He then took us down between decks; +and there, any lingering fears I had of his having heard any rumours of +what had happened, were dispelled by Mr. Micawber's coming out of the +gloom, taking his arm with an air of friendship and protection, and +telling me that they had scarcely been asunder for a moment, since the +night before last. + +It was such a strange scene to me, and so confined and dark, that, at +first, I could make out hardly anything; but, by degrees, it cleared, as +my eyes became more accustomed to the gloom, and I seemed to stand in +a picture by OSTADE. Among the great beams, bulks, and ringbolts of the +ship, and the emigrant-berths, and chests, and bundles, and barrels, and +heaps of miscellaneous baggage--'lighted up, here and there, by dangling +lanterns; and elsewhere by the yellow daylight straying down a windsail +or a hatchway--were crowded groups of people, making new friendships, +taking leave of one another, talking, laughing, crying, eating and +drinking; some, already settled down into the possession of their few +feet of space, with their little households arranged, and tiny children +established on stools, or in dwarf elbow-chairs; others, despairing of +a resting-place, and wandering disconsolately. From babies who had but a +week or two of life behind them, to crooked old men and women who seemed +to have but a week or two of life before them; and from ploughmen bodily +carrying out soil of England on their boots, to smiths taking away +samples of its soot and smoke upon their skins; every age and occupation +appeared to be crammed into the narrow compass of the 'tween decks. + +As my eye glanced round this place, I thought I saw sitting, by an open +port, with one of the Micawber children near her, a figure like Emily's; +it first attracted my attention, by another figure parting from it with +a kiss; and as it glided calmly away through the disorder, reminding +me of--Agnes! But in the rapid motion and confusion, and in the +unsettlement of my own thoughts, I lost it again; and only knew that +the time was come when all visitors were being warned to leave the ship; +that my nurse was crying on a chest beside me; and that Mrs. Gummidge, +assisted by some younger stooping woman in black, was busily arranging +Mr. Peggotty's goods. + +'Is there any last wured, Mas'r Davy?' said he. 'Is there any one +forgotten thing afore we parts?' + +'One thing!' said I. 'Martha!' + +He touched the younger woman I have mentioned on the shoulder, and +Martha stood before me. + +'Heaven bless you, you good man!' cried I. 'You take her with you!' + +She answered for him, with a burst of tears. I could speak no more at +that time, but I wrung his hand; and if ever I have loved and honoured +any man, I loved and honoured that man in my soul. + +The ship was clearing fast of strangers. The greatest trial that I had, +remained. I told him what the noble spirit that was gone, had given me +in charge to say at parting. It moved him deeply. But when he charged +me, in return, with many messages of affection and regret for those deaf +ears, he moved me more. + +The time was come. I embraced him, took my weeping nurse upon my arm, +and hurried away. On deck, I took leave of poor Mrs. Micawber. She was +looking distractedly about for her family, even then; and her last words +to me were, that she never would desert Mr. Micawber. + +We went over the side into our boat, and lay at a little distance, to +see the ship wafted on her course. It was then calm, radiant sunset. +She lay between us, and the red light; and every taper line and spar was +visible against the glow. A sight at once so beautiful, so mournful, and +so hopeful, as the glorious ship, lying, still, on the flushed water, +with all the life on board her crowded at the bulwarks, and there +clustering, for a moment, bare-headed and silent, I never saw. + +Silent, only for a moment. As the sails rose to the wind, and the ship +began to move, there broke from all the boats three resounding cheers, +which those on board took up, and echoed back, and which were echoed +and re-echoed. My heart burst out when I heard the sound, and beheld the +waving of the hats and handkerchiefs--and then I saw her! + +Then I saw her, at her uncle's side, and trembling on his shoulder. He +pointed to us with an eager hand; and she saw us, and waved her last +good-bye to me. Aye, Emily, beautiful and drooping, cling to him with +the utmost trust of thy bruised heart; for he has clung to thee, with +all the might of his great love! + +Surrounded by the rosy light, and standing high upon the deck, apart +together, she clinging to him, and he holding her, they solemnly passed +away. The night had fallen on the Kentish hills when we were rowed +ashore--and fallen darkly upon me. + + + +CHAPTER 58. ABSENCE + + +It was a long and gloomy night that gathered on me, haunted by the +ghosts of many hopes, of many dear remembrances, many errors, many +unavailing sorrows and regrets. + +I went away from England; not knowing, even then, how great the shock +was, that I had to bear. I left all who were dear to me, and went away; +and believed that I had borne it, and it was past. As a man upon a +field of battle will receive a mortal hurt, and scarcely know that he is +struck, so I, when I was left alone with my undisciplined heart, had no +conception of the wound with which it had to strive. + +The knowledge came upon me, not quickly, but little by little, and grain +by grain. The desolate feeling with which I went abroad, deepened +and widened hourly. At first it was a heavy sense of loss and sorrow, +wherein I could distinguish little else. By imperceptible degrees, +it became a hopeless consciousness of all that I had lost--love, +friendship, interest; of all that had been shattered--my first trust, +my first affection, the whole airy castle of my life; of all that +remained--a ruined blank and waste, lying wide around me, unbroken, to +the dark horizon. + +If my grief were selfish, I did not know it to be so. I mourned for my +child-wife, taken from her blooming world, so young. I mourned for him +who might have won the love and admiration of thousands, as he had won +mine long ago. I mourned for the broken heart that had found rest in the +stormy sea; and for the wandering remnants of the simple home, where I +had heard the night-wind blowing, when I was a child. + +From the accumulated sadness into which I fell, I had at length no hope +of ever issuing again. I roamed from place to place, carrying my burden +with me everywhere. I felt its whole weight now; and I drooped beneath +it, and I said in my heart that it could never be lightened. + +When this despondency was at its worst, I believed that I should die. +Sometimes, I thought that I would like to die at home; and actually +turned back on my road, that I might get there soon. At other times, I +passed on farther away,--from city to city, seeking I know not what, and +trying to leave I know not what behind. + +It is not in my power to retrace, one by one, all the weary phases of +distress of mind through which I passed. There are some dreams that can +only be imperfectly and vaguely described; and when I oblige myself to +look back on this time of my life, I seem to be recalling such a dream. +I see myself passing on among the novelties of foreign towns, palaces, +cathedrals, temples, pictures, castles, tombs, fantastic streets--the +old abiding places of History and Fancy--as a dreamer might; bearing my +painful load through all, and hardly conscious of the objects as they +fade before me. Listlessness to everything, but brooding sorrow, was the +night that fell on my undisciplined heart. Let me look up from it--as +at last I did, thank Heaven!--and from its long, sad, wretched dream, to +dawn. + +For many months I travelled with this ever-darkening cloud upon my +mind. Some blind reasons that I had for not returning home--reasons then +struggling within me, vainly, for more distinct expression--kept me +on my pilgrimage. Sometimes, I had proceeded restlessly from place to +place, stopping nowhere; sometimes, I had lingered long in one spot. I +had had no purpose, no sustaining soul within me, anywhere. + +I was in Switzerland. I had come out of Italy, over one of the great +passes of the Alps, and had since wandered with a guide among the +by-ways of the mountains. If those awful solitudes had spoken to my +heart, I did not know it. I had found sublimity and wonder in the dread +heights and precipices, in the roaring torrents, and the wastes of ice +and snow; but as yet, they had taught me nothing else. + +I came, one evening before sunset, down into a valley, where I was to +rest. In the course of my descent to it, by the winding track along +the mountain-side, from which I saw it shining far below, I think some +long-unwonted sense of beauty and tranquillity, some softening influence +awakened by its peace, moved faintly in my breast. I remember pausing +once, with a kind of sorrow that was not all oppressive, not quite +despairing. I remember almost hoping that some better change was +possible within me. + +I came into the valley, as the evening sun was shining on the remote +heights of snow, that closed it in, like eternal clouds. The bases of +the mountains forming the gorge in which the little village lay, were +richly green; and high above this gentler vegetation, grew forests of +dark fir, cleaving the wintry snow-drift, wedge-like, and stemming the +avalanche. Above these, were range upon range of craggy steeps, grey +rock, bright ice, and smooth verdure-specks of pasture, all gradually +blending with the crowning snow. Dotted here and there on the +mountain's-side, each tiny dot a home, were lonely wooden cottages, so +dwarfed by the towering heights that they appeared too small for toys. +So did even the clustered village in the valley, with its wooden bridge +across the stream, where the stream tumbled over broken rocks, and +roared away among the trees. In the quiet air, there was a sound of +distant singing--shepherd voices; but, as one bright evening cloud +floated midway along the mountain's-side, I could almost have believed +it came from there, and was not earthly music. All at once, in this +serenity, great Nature spoke to me; and soothed me to lay down my weary +head upon the grass, and weep as I had not wept yet, since Dora died! + +I had found a packet of letters awaiting me but a few minutes before, +and had strolled out of the village to read them while my supper was +making ready. Other packets had missed me, and I had received none for a +long time. Beyond a line or two, to say that I was well, and had arrived +at such a place, I had not had fortitude or constancy to write a letter +since I left home. + +The packet was in my hand. I opened it, and read the writing of Agnes. + +She was happy and useful, was prospering as she had hoped. That was all +she told me of herself. The rest referred to me. + +She gave me no advice; she urged no duty on me; she only told me, in her +own fervent manner, what her trust in me was. She knew (she said) how +such a nature as mine would turn affliction to good. She knew how trial +and emotion would exalt and strengthen it. She was sure that in my every +purpose I should gain a firmer and a higher tendency, through the grief +I had undergone. She, who so gloried in my fame, and so looked forward +to its augmentation, well knew that I would labour on. She knew that in +me, sorrow could not be weakness, but must be strength. As the endurance +of my childish days had done its part to make me what I was, so greater +calamities would nerve me on, to be yet better than I was; and so, as +they had taught me, would I teach others. She commended me to God, who +had taken my innocent darling to His rest; and in her sisterly affection +cherished me always, and was always at my side go where I would; proud +of what I had done, but infinitely prouder yet of what I was reserved to +do. + +I put the letter in my breast, and thought what had I been an hour ago! +When I heard the voices die away, and saw the quiet evening cloud grow +dim, and all the colours in the valley fade, and the golden snow upon +the mountain-tops become a remote part of the pale night sky, yet felt +that the night was passing from my mind, and all its shadows clearing, +there was no name for the love I bore her, dearer to me, henceforward, +than ever until then. + +I read her letter many times. I wrote to her before I slept. I told her +that I had been in sore need of her help; that without her I was not, +and I never had been, what she thought me; but that she inspired me to +be that, and I would try. + +I did try. In three months more, a year would have passed since the +beginning of my sorrow. I determined to make no resolutions until the +expiration of those three months, but to try. I lived in that valley, +and its neighbourhood, all the time. + +The three months gone, I resolved to remain away from home for some +time longer; to settle myself for the present in Switzerland, which was +growing dear to me in the remembrance of that evening; to resume my pen; +to work. + +I resorted humbly whither Agnes had commended me; I sought out Nature, +never sought in vain; and I admitted to my breast the human interest +I had lately shrunk from. It was not long, before I had almost as many +friends in the valley as in Yarmouth: and when I left it, before the +winter set in, for Geneva, and came back in the spring, their cordial +greetings had a homely sound to me, although they were not conveyed in +English words. + +I worked early and late, patiently and hard. I wrote a Story, with a +purpose growing, not remotely, out of my experience, and sent it to +Traddles, and he arranged for its publication very advantageously for +me; and the tidings of my growing reputation began to reach me from +travellers whom I encountered by chance. After some rest and change, I +fell to work, in my old ardent way, on a new fancy, which took strong +possession of me. As I advanced in the execution of this task, I felt it +more and more, and roused my utmost energies to do it well. This was my +third work of fiction. It was not half written, when, in an interval of +rest, I thought of returning home. + +For a long time, though studying and working patiently, I had accustomed +myself to robust exercise. My health, severely impaired when I left +England, was quite restored. I had seen much. I had been in many +countries, and I hope I had improved my store of knowledge. + +I have now recalled all that I think it needful to recall here, of this +term of absence--with one reservation. I have made it, thus far, with +no purpose of suppressing any of my thoughts; for, as I have elsewhere +said, this narrative is my written memory. I have desired to keep the +most secret current of my mind apart, and to the last. I enter on it +now. I cannot so completely penetrate the mystery of my own heart, as +to know when I began to think that I might have set its earliest and +brightest hopes on Agnes. I cannot say at what stage of my grief +it first became associated with the reflection, that, in my wayward +boyhood, I had thrown away the treasure of her love. I believe I may +have heard some whisper of that distant thought, in the old unhappy loss +or want of something never to be realized, of which I had been sensible. +But the thought came into my mind as a new reproach and new regret, when +I was left so sad and lonely in the world. + +If, at that time, I had been much with her, I should, in the weakness of +my desolation, have betrayed this. It was what I remotely dreaded when I +was first impelled to stay away from England. I could not have borne +to lose the smallest portion of her sisterly affection; yet, in that +betrayal, I should have set a constraint between us hitherto unknown. + +I could not forget that the feeling with which she now regarded me had +grown up in my own free choice and course. That if she had ever loved me +with another love--and I sometimes thought the time was when she might +have done so--I had cast it away. It was nothing, now, that I had +accustomed myself to think of her, when we were both mere children, +as one who was far removed from my wild fancies. I had bestowed my +passionate tenderness upon another object; and what I might have done, +I had not done; and what Agnes was to me, I and her own noble heart had +made her. + +In the beginning of the change that gradually worked in me, when I +tried to get a better understanding of myself and be a better man, I +did glance, through some indefinite probation, to a period when I might +possibly hope to cancel the mistaken past, and to be so blessed as +to marry her. But, as time wore on, this shadowy prospect faded, and +departed from me. If she had ever loved me, then, I should hold her +the more sacred; remembering the confidences I had reposed in her, her +knowledge of my errant heart, the sacrifice she must have made to be my +friend and sister, and the victory she had won. If she had never loved +me, could I believe that she would love me now? + +I had always felt my weakness, in comparison with her constancy and +fortitude; and now I felt it more and more. Whatever I might have been +to her, or she to me, if I had been more worthy of her long ago, I was +not now, and she was not. The time was past. I had let it go by, and had +deservedly lost her. + +That I suffered much in these contentions, that they filled me with +unhappiness and remorse, and yet that I had a sustaining sense that it +was required of me, in right and honour, to keep away from myself, with +shame, the thought of turning to the dear girl in the withering of my +hopes, from whom I had frivolously turned when they were bright and +fresh--which consideration was at the root of every thought I had +concerning her--is all equally true. I made no effort to conceal from +myself, now, that I loved her, that I was devoted to her; but I brought +the assurance home to myself, that it was now too late, and that our +long-subsisting relation must be undisturbed. + +I had thought, much and often, of my Dora's shadowing out to me what +might have happened, in those years that were destined not to try us; +I had considered how the things that never happen, are often as much +realities to us, in their effects, as those that are accomplished. The +very years she spoke of, were realities now, for my correction; and +would have been, one day, a little later perhaps, though we had parted +in our earliest folly. I endeavoured to convert what might have been +between myself and Agnes, into a means of making me more self-denying, +more resolved, more conscious of myself, and my defects and errors. +Thus, through the reflection that it might have been, I arrived at the +conviction that it could never be. + +These, with their perplexities and inconsistencies, were the shifting +quicksands of my mind, from the time of my departure to the time of my +return home, three years afterwards. Three years had elapsed since the +sailing of the emigrant ship; when, at that same hour of sunset, and in +the same place, I stood on the deck of the packet vessel that brought me +home, looking on the rosy water where I had seen the image of that ship +reflected. + +Three years. Long in the aggregate, though short as they went by. And +home was very dear to me, and Agnes too--but she was not mine--she was +never to be mine. She might have been, but that was past! + + + +CHAPTER 59. RETURN + + +I landed in London on a wintry autumn evening. It was dark and raining, +and I saw more fog and mud in a minute than I had seen in a year. I +walked from the Custom House to the Monument before I found a coach; +and although the very house-fronts, looking on the swollen gutters, were +like old friends to me, I could not but admit that they were very dingy +friends. + +I have often remarked--I suppose everybody has--that one's going away +from a familiar place, would seem to be the signal for change in it. +As I looked out of the coach window, and observed that an old house on +Fish-street Hill, which had stood untouched by painter, carpenter, or +bricklayer, for a century, had been pulled down in my absence; and that +a neighbouring street, of time-honoured insalubrity and inconvenience, +was being drained and widened; I half expected to find St. Paul's +Cathedral looking older. + +For some changes in the fortunes of my friends, I was prepared. My aunt +had long been re-established at Dover, and Traddles had begun to get +into some little practice at the Bar, in the very first term after my +departure. He had chambers in Gray's Inn, now; and had told me, in his +last letters, that he was not without hopes of being soon united to the +dearest girl in the world. + +They expected me home before Christmas; but had no idea of my returning +so soon. I had purposely misled them, that I might have the pleasure of +taking them by surprise. And yet, I was perverse enough to feel a chill +and disappointment in receiving no welcome, and rattling, alone and +silent, through the misty streets. + +The well-known shops, however, with their cheerful lights, did something +for me; and when I alighted at the door of the Gray's Inn Coffee-house, +I had recovered my spirits. It recalled, at first, that so-different +time when I had put up at the Golden Cross, and reminded me of the +changes that had come to pass since then; but that was natural. + +'Do you know where Mr. Traddles lives in the Inn?' I asked the waiter, +as I warmed myself by the coffee-room fire. + +'Holborn Court, sir. Number two.' + +'Mr. Traddles has a rising reputation among the lawyers, I believe?' +said I. + +'Well, sir,' returned the waiter, 'probably he has, sir; but I am not +aware of it myself.' + +This waiter, who was middle-aged and spare, looked for help to a waiter +of more authority--a stout, potential old man, with a double chin, +in black breeches and stockings, who came out of a place like a +churchwarden's pew, at the end of the coffee-room, where he kept company +with a cash-box, a Directory, a Law-list, and other books and papers. + +'Mr. Traddles,' said the spare waiter. 'Number two in the Court.' + +The potential waiter waved him away, and turned, gravely, to me. + +'I was inquiring,' said I, 'whether Mr. Traddles, at number two in the +Court, has not a rising reputation among the lawyers?' + +'Never heard his name,' said the waiter, in a rich husky voice. + +I felt quite apologetic for Traddles. + +'He's a young man, sure?' said the portentous waiter, fixing his eyes +severely on me. 'How long has he been in the Inn?' + +'Not above three years,' said I. + +The waiter, who I supposed had lived in his churchwarden's pew for forty +years, could not pursue such an insignificant subject. He asked me what +I would have for dinner? + +I felt I was in England again, and really was quite cast down on +Traddles's account. There seemed to be no hope for him. I meekly ordered +a bit of fish and a steak, and stood before the fire musing on his +obscurity. + +As I followed the chief waiter with my eyes, I could not help thinking +that the garden in which he had gradually blown to be the flower he +was, was an arduous place to rise in. It had such a prescriptive, +stiff-necked, long-established, solemn, elderly air. I glanced about the +room, which had had its sanded floor sanded, no doubt, in exactly the +same manner when the chief waiter was a boy--if he ever was a boy, +which appeared improbable; and at the shining tables, where I saw +myself reflected, in unruffled depths of old mahogany; and at the lamps, +without a flaw in their trimming or cleaning; and at the comfortable +green curtains, with their pure brass rods, snugly enclosing the boxes; +and at the two large coal fires, brightly burning; and at the rows of +decanters, burly as if with the consciousness of pipes of expensive old +port wine below; and both England, and the law, appeared to me to be +very difficult indeed to be taken by storm. I went up to my bedroom +to change my wet clothes; and the vast extent of that old wainscoted +apartment (which was over the archway leading to the Inn, I remember), +and the sedate immensity of the four-post bedstead, and the indomitable +gravity of the chests of drawers, all seemed to unite in sternly +frowning on the fortunes of Traddles, or on any such daring youth. I +came down again to my dinner; and even the slow comfort of the meal, +and the orderly silence of the place--which was bare of guests, the Long +Vacation not yet being over--were eloquent on the audacity of Traddles, +and his small hopes of a livelihood for twenty years to come. + +I had seen nothing like this since I went away, and it quite dashed my +hopes for my friend. The chief waiter had had enough of me. He came near +me no more; but devoted himself to an old gentleman in long gaiters, to +meet whom a pint of special port seemed to come out of the cellar of its +own accord, for he gave no order. The second waiter informed me, in a +whisper, that this old gentleman was a retired conveyancer living in the +Square, and worth a mint of money, which it was expected he would leave +to his laundress's daughter; likewise that it was rumoured that he had +a service of plate in a bureau, all tarnished with lying by, though more +than one spoon and a fork had never yet been beheld in his chambers +by mortal vision. By this time, I quite gave Traddles up for lost; and +settled in my own mind that there was no hope for him. + +Being very anxious to see the dear old fellow, nevertheless, I +dispatched my dinner, in a manner not at all calculated to raise me in +the opinion of the chief waiter, and hurried out by the back way. Number +two in the Court was soon reached; and an inscription on the door-post +informing me that Mr. Traddles occupied a set of chambers on the top +storey, I ascended the staircase. A crazy old staircase I found it to +be, feebly lighted on each landing by a club--headed little oil wick, +dying away in a little dungeon of dirty glass. + +In the course of my stumbling upstairs, I fancied I heard a pleasant +sound of laughter; and not the laughter of an attorney or barrister, or +attorney's clerk or barrister's clerk, but of two or three merry girls. +Happening, however, as I stopped to listen, to put my foot in a hole +where the Honourable Society of Gray's Inn had left a plank deficient, +I fell down with some noise, and when I recovered my footing all was +silent. + +Groping my way more carefully, for the rest of the journey, my heart +beat high when I found the outer door, which had Mr. TRADDLES painted on +it, open. I knocked. A considerable scuffling within ensued, but nothing +else. I therefore knocked again. + +A small sharp-looking lad, half-footboy and half-clerk, who was very +much out of breath, but who looked at me as if he defied me to prove it +legally, presented himself. + +'Is Mr. Traddles within?' I said. + +'Yes, sir, but he's engaged.' + +'I want to see him.' + +After a moment's survey of me, the sharp-looking lad decided to let me +in; and opening the door wider for that purpose, admitted me, first, +into a little closet of a hall, and next into a little sitting-room; +where I came into the presence of my old friend (also out of breath), +seated at a table, and bending over papers. + +'Good God!' cried Traddles, looking up. 'It's Copperfield!' and rushed +into my arms, where I held him tight. + +'All well, my dear Traddles?' + +'All well, my dear, dear Copperfield, and nothing but good news!' + +We cried with pleasure, both of us. + +'My dear fellow,' said Traddles, rumpling his hair in his excitement, +which was a most unnecessary operation, 'my dearest Copperfield, my +long-lost and most welcome friend, how glad I am to see you! How +brown you are! How glad I am! Upon my life and honour, I never was so +rejoiced, my beloved Copperfield, never!' + +I was equally at a loss to express my emotions. I was quite unable to +speak, at first. + +'My dear fellow!' said Traddles. 'And grown so famous! My glorious +Copperfield! Good gracious me, WHEN did you come, WHERE have you come +from, WHAT have you been doing?' + +Never pausing for an answer to anything he said, Traddles, who had +clapped me into an easy-chair by the fire, all this time impetuously +stirred the fire with one hand, and pulled at my neck-kerchief with +the other, under some wild delusion that it was a great-coat. Without +putting down the poker, he now hugged me again; and I hugged him; and, +both laughing, and both wiping our eyes, we both sat down, and shook +hands across the hearth. + +'To think,' said Traddles, 'that you should have been so nearly coming +home as you must have been, my dear old boy, and not at the ceremony!' + +'What ceremony, my dear Traddles?' + +'Good gracious me!' cried Traddles, opening his eyes in his old way. +'Didn't you get my last letter?' + +'Certainly not, if it referred to any ceremony.' + +'Why, my dear Copperfield,' said Traddles, sticking his hair upright +with both hands, and then putting his hands on my knees, 'I am married!' + +'Married!' I cried joyfully. + +'Lord bless me, yes!' said Traddles--'by the Reverend Horace--to +Sophy--down in Devonshire. Why, my dear boy, she's behind the window +curtain! Look here!' + +To my amazement, the dearest girl in the world came at that same +instant, laughing and blushing, from her place of concealment. And a +more cheerful, amiable, honest, happy, bright-looking bride, I believe +(as I could not help saying on the spot) the world never saw. I kissed +her as an old acquaintance should, and wished them joy with all my might +of heart. + +'Dear me,' said Traddles, 'what a delightful re-union this is! You are +so extremely brown, my dear Copperfield! God bless my soul, how happy I +am!' + +'And so am I,' said I. + +'And I am sure I am!' said the blushing and laughing Sophy. + +'We are all as happy as possible!' said Traddles. 'Even the girls are +happy. Dear me, I declare I forgot them!' + +'Forgot?' said I. + +'The girls,' said Traddles. 'Sophy's sisters. They are staying with us. +They have come to have a peep at London. The fact is, when--was it you +that tumbled upstairs, Copperfield?' + +'It was,' said I, laughing. + +'Well then, when you tumbled upstairs,' said Traddles, 'I was romping +with the girls. In point of fact, we were playing at Puss in the Corner. +But as that wouldn't do in Westminster Hall, and as it wouldn't look +quite professional if they were seen by a client, they decamped. And +they are now--listening, I have no doubt,' said Traddles, glancing at +the door of another room. + +'I am sorry,' said I, laughing afresh, 'to have occasioned such a +dispersion.' + +'Upon my word,' rejoined Traddles, greatly delighted, 'if you had seen +them running away, and running back again, after you had knocked, to +pick up the combs they had dropped out of their hair, and going on in +the maddest manner, you wouldn't have said so. My love, will you fetch +the girls?' + +Sophy tripped away, and we heard her received in the adjoining room with +a peal of laughter. + +'Really musical, isn't it, my dear Copperfield?' said Traddles. 'It's +very agreeable to hear. It quite lights up these old rooms. To an +unfortunate bachelor of a fellow who has lived alone all his life, you +know, it's positively delicious. It's charming. Poor things, they have +had a great loss in Sophy--who, I do assure you, Copperfield is, and +ever was, the dearest girl!--and it gratifies me beyond expression +to find them in such good spirits. The society of girls is a very +delightful thing, Copperfield. It's not professional, but it's very +delightful.' + +Observing that he slightly faltered, and comprehending that in the +goodness of his heart he was fearful of giving me some pain by what he +had said, I expressed my concurrence with a heartiness that evidently +relieved and pleased him greatly. + +'But then,' said Traddles, 'our domestic arrangements are, to say +the truth, quite unprofessional altogether, my dear Copperfield. Even +Sophy's being here, is unprofessional. And we have no other place of +abode. We have put to sea in a cockboat, but we are quite prepared to +rough it. And Sophy's an extraordinary manager! You'll be surprised how +those girls are stowed away. I am sure I hardly know how it's done!' + +'Are many of the young ladies with you?' I inquired. + +'The eldest, the Beauty is here,' said Traddles, in a low confidential +voice, 'Caroline. And Sarah's here--the one I mentioned to you as having +something the matter with her spine, you know. Immensely better! And the +two youngest that Sophy educated are with us. And Louisa's here.' + +'Indeed!' cried I. + +'Yes,' said Traddles. 'Now the whole set--I mean the chambers--is only +three rooms; but Sophy arranges for the girls in the most wonderful way, +and they sleep as comfortably as possible. Three in that room,' said +Traddles, pointing. 'Two in that.' + +I could not help glancing round, in search of the accommodation +remaining for Mr. and Mrs. Traddles. Traddles understood me. + +'Well!' said Traddles, 'we are prepared to rough it, as I said just now, +and we did improvise a bed last week, upon the floor here. But there's +a little room in the roof--a very nice room, when you're up there--which +Sophy papered herself, to surprise me; and that's our room at present. +It's a capital little gipsy sort of place. There's quite a view from +it.' + +'And you are happily married at last, my dear Traddles!' said I. 'How +rejoiced I am!' + +'Thank you, my dear Copperfield,' said Traddles, as we shook hands +once more. 'Yes, I am as happy as it's possible to be. There's your old +friend, you see,' said Traddles, nodding triumphantly at the flower-pot +and stand; 'and there's the table with the marble top! All the other +furniture is plain and serviceable, you perceive. And as to plate, Lord +bless you, we haven't so much as a tea-spoon.' + +'All to be earned?' said I, cheerfully. + +'Exactly so,' replied Traddles, 'all to be earned. Of course we have +something in the shape of tea-spoons, because we stir our tea. But +they're Britannia metal.' + +'The silver will be the brighter when it comes,' said I. + +'The very thing we say!' cried Traddles. 'You see, my dear Copperfield,' +falling again into the low confidential tone, 'after I had delivered my +argument in DOE dem. JIPES versus WIGZIELL, which did me great service +with the profession, I went down into Devonshire, and had some serious +conversation in private with the Reverend Horace. I dwelt upon the fact +that Sophy--who I do assure you, Copperfield, is the dearest girl!--' + +'I am certain she is!' said I. + +'She is, indeed!' rejoined Traddles. 'But I am afraid I am wandering +from the subject. Did I mention the Reverend Horace?' + +'You said that you dwelt upon the fact--' + +'True! Upon the fact that Sophy and I had been engaged for a long +period, and that Sophy, with the permission of her parents, was more +than content to take me--in short,' said Traddles, with his old frank +smile, 'on our present Britannia-metal footing. Very well. I then +proposed to the Reverend Horace--who is a most excellent clergyman, +Copperfield, and ought to be a Bishop; or at least ought to have enough +to live upon, without pinching himself--that if I could turn the corner, +say of two hundred and fifty pounds, in one year; and could see my +way pretty clearly to that, or something better, next year; and could +plainly furnish a little place like this, besides; then, and in that +case, Sophy and I should be united. I took the liberty of representing +that we had been patient for a good many years; and that the +circumstance of Sophy's being extraordinarily useful at home, ought not +to operate with her affectionate parents, against her establishment in +life--don't you see?' + +'Certainly it ought not,' said I. + +'I am glad you think so, Copperfield,' rejoined Traddles, 'because, +without any imputation on the Reverend Horace, I do think parents, and +brothers, and so forth, are sometimes rather selfish in such cases. +Well! I also pointed out, that my most earnest desire was, to be useful +to the family; and that if I got on in the world, and anything should +happen to him--I refer to the Reverend Horace--' + +'I understand,' said I. + +'--Or to Mrs. Crewler--it would be the utmost gratification of my +wishes, to be a parent to the girls. He replied in a most admirable +manner, exceedingly flattering to my feelings, and undertook to obtain +the consent of Mrs. Crewler to this arrangement. They had a dreadful +time of it with her. It mounted from her legs into her chest, and then +into her head--' + +'What mounted?' I asked. + +'Her grief,' replied Traddles, with a serious look. 'Her feelings +generally. As I mentioned on a former occasion, she is a very superior +woman, but has lost the use of her limbs. Whatever occurs to harass +her, usually settles in her legs; but on this occasion it mounted to the +chest, and then to the head, and, in short, pervaded the whole system +in a most alarming manner. However, they brought her through it by +unremitting and affectionate attention; and we were married yesterday +six weeks. You have no idea what a Monster I felt, Copperfield, when I +saw the whole family crying and fainting away in every direction! Mrs. +Crewler couldn't see me before we left--couldn't forgive me, then, for +depriving her of her child--but she is a good creature, and has done so +since. I had a delightful letter from her, only this morning.' + +'And in short, my dear friend,' said I, 'you feel as blest as you +deserve to feel!' + +'Oh! That's your partiality!' laughed Traddles. 'But, indeed, I am in a +most enviable state. I work hard, and read Law insatiably. I get up at +five every morning, and don't mind it at all. I hide the girls in the +daytime, and make merry with them in the evening. And I assure you I am +quite sorry that they are going home on Tuesday, which is the day before +the first day of Michaelmas Term. But here,' said Traddles, breaking off +in his confidence, and speaking aloud, 'ARE the girls! Mr. Copperfield, +Miss Crewler--Miss Sarah--Miss Louisa--Margaret and Lucy!' + +They were a perfect nest of roses; they looked so wholesome and fresh. +They were all pretty, and Miss Caroline was very handsome; but there was +a loving, cheerful, fireside quality in Sophy's bright looks, which was +better than that, and which assured me that my friend had chosen well. +We all sat round the fire; while the sharp boy, who I now divined had +lost his breath in putting the papers out, cleared them away again, and +produced the tea-things. After that, he retired for the night, shutting +the outer door upon us with a bang. Mrs. Traddles, with perfect pleasure +and composure beaming from her household eyes, having made the tea, then +quietly made the toast as she sat in a corner by the fire. + +She had seen Agnes, she told me while she was toasting. 'Tom' had taken +her down into Kent for a wedding trip, and there she had seen my aunt, +too; and both my aunt and Agnes were well, and they had all talked of +nothing but me. 'Tom' had never had me out of his thoughts, she really +believed, all the time I had been away. 'Tom' was the authority for +everything. 'Tom' was evidently the idol of her life; never to be shaken +on his pedestal by any commotion; always to be believed in, and done +homage to with the whole faith of her heart, come what might. + +The deference which both she and Traddles showed towards the Beauty, +pleased me very much. I don't know that I thought it very reasonable; +but I thought it very delightful, and essentially a part of their +character. If Traddles ever for an instant missed the tea-spoons that +were still to be won, I have no doubt it was when he handed the Beauty +her tea. If his sweet-tempered wife could have got up any self-assertion +against anyone, I am satisfied it could only have been because she was +the Beauty's sister. A few slight indications of a rather petted and +capricious manner, which I observed in the Beauty, were manifestly +considered, by Traddles and his wife, as her birthright and natural +endowment. If she had been born a Queen Bee, and they labouring Bees, +they could not have been more satisfied of that. + +But their self-forgetfulness charmed me. Their pride in these girls, and +their submission of themselves to all their whims, was the pleasantest +little testimony to their own worth I could have desired to see. If +Traddles were addressed as 'a darling', once in the course of that +evening; and besought to bring something here, or carry something there, +or take something up, or put something down, or find something, or fetch +something, he was so addressed, by one or other of his sisters-in-law, +at least twelve times in an hour. Neither could they do anything without +Sophy. Somebody's hair fell down, and nobody but Sophy could put it up. +Somebody forgot how a particular tune went, and nobody but Sophy could +hum that tune right. Somebody wanted to recall the name of a place in +Devonshire, and only Sophy knew it. Something was wanted to be written +home, and Sophy alone could be trusted to write before breakfast in +the morning. Somebody broke down in a piece of knitting, and no one but +Sophy was able to put the defaulter in the right direction. They were +entire mistresses of the place, and Sophy and Traddles waited on them. +How many children Sophy could have taken care of in her time, I can't +imagine; but she seemed to be famous for knowing every sort of song that +ever was addressed to a child in the English tongue; and she sang dozens +to order with the clearest little voice in the world, one after another +(every sister issuing directions for a different tune, and the Beauty +generally striking in last), so that I was quite fascinated. The best +of all was, that, in the midst of their exactions, all the sisters had +a great tenderness and respect both for Sophy and Traddles. I am sure, +when I took my leave, and Traddles was coming out to walk with me to the +coffee-house, I thought I had never seen an obstinate head of hair, or +any other head of hair, rolling about in such a shower of kisses. + +Altogether, it was a scene I could not help dwelling on with pleasure, +for a long time after I got back and had wished Traddles good night. If +I had beheld a thousand roses blowing in a top set of chambers, in that +withered Gray's Inn, they could not have brightened it half so much. +The idea of those Devonshire girls, among the dry law-stationers and the +attorneys' offices; and of the tea and toast, and children's songs, in +that grim atmosphere of pounce and parchment, red-tape, dusty wafers, +ink-jars, brief and draft paper, law reports, writs, declarations, and +bills of costs; seemed almost as pleasantly fanciful as if I had +dreamed that the Sultan's famous family had been admitted on the roll of +attorneys, and had brought the talking bird, the singing tree, and the +golden water into Gray's Inn Hall. Somehow, I found that I had taken +leave of Traddles for the night, and come back to the coffee-house, with +a great change in my despondency about him. I began to think he would +get on, in spite of all the many orders of chief waiters in England. + +Drawing a chair before one of the coffee-room fires to think about him +at my leisure, I gradually fell from the consideration of his happiness +to tracing prospects in the live-coals, and to thinking, as they broke +and changed, of the principal vicissitudes and separations that had +marked my life. I had not seen a coal fire, since I had left England +three years ago: though many a wood fire had I watched, as it crumbled +into hoary ashes, and mingled with the feathery heap upon the hearth, +which not inaptly figured to me, in my despondency, my own dead hopes. + +I could think of the past now, gravely, but not bitterly; and could +contemplate the future in a brave spirit. Home, in its best sense, was +for me no more. She in whom I might have inspired a dearer love, I had +taught to be my sister. She would marry, and would have new claimants on +her tenderness; and in doing it, would never know the love for her that +had grown up in my heart. It was right that I should pay the forfeit of +my headlong passion. What I reaped, I had sown. + +I was thinking. And had I truly disciplined my heart to this, and could +I resolutely bear it, and calmly hold the place in her home which she +had calmly held in mine,--when I found my eyes resting on a countenance +that might have arisen out of the fire, in its association with my early +remembrances. + +Little Mr. Chillip the Doctor, to whose good offices I was indebted in +the very first chapter of this history, sat reading a newspaper in the +shadow of an opposite corner. He was tolerably stricken in years by this +time; but, being a mild, meek, calm little man, had worn so easily, that +I thought he looked at that moment just as he might have looked when he +sat in our parlour, waiting for me to be born. + +Mr. Chillip had left Blunderstone six or seven years ago, and I had +never seen him since. He sat placidly perusing the newspaper, with his +little head on one side, and a glass of warm sherry negus at his +elbow. He was so extremely conciliatory in his manner that he seemed to +apologize to the very newspaper for taking the liberty of reading it. + +I walked up to where he was sitting, and said, 'How do you do, Mr. +Chillip?' + +He was greatly fluttered by this unexpected address from a stranger, and +replied, in his slow way, 'I thank you, sir, you are very good. Thank +you, sir. I hope YOU are well.' + +'You don't remember me?' said I. + +'Well, sir,' returned Mr. Chillip, smiling very meekly, and shaking his +head as he surveyed me, 'I have a kind of an impression that something +in your countenance is familiar to me, sir; but I couldn't lay my hand +upon your name, really.' + +'And yet you knew it, long before I knew it myself,' I returned. + +'Did I indeed, sir?' said Mr. Chillip. 'Is it possible that I had the +honour, sir, of officiating when--?' + +'Yes,' said I. + +'Dear me!' cried Mr. Chillip. 'But no doubt you are a good deal changed +since then, sir?' + +'Probably,' said I. + +'Well, sir,' observed Mr. Chillip, 'I hope you'll excuse me, if I am +compelled to ask the favour of your name?' + +On my telling him my name, he was really moved. He quite shook hands +with me--which was a violent proceeding for him, his usual course being +to slide a tepid little fish-slice, an inch or two in advance of his +hip, and evince the greatest discomposure when anybody grappled with +it. Even now, he put his hand in his coat-pocket as soon as he could +disengage it, and seemed relieved when he had got it safe back. + +'Dear me, sir!' said Mr. Chillip, surveying me with his head on one +side. 'And it's Mr. Copperfield, is it? Well, sir, I think I should have +known you, if I had taken the liberty of looking more closely at you. +There's a strong resemblance between you and your poor father, sir.' + +'I never had the happiness of seeing my father,' I observed. + +'Very true, sir,' said Mr. Chillip, in a soothing tone. 'And very much +to be deplored it was, on all accounts! We are not ignorant, sir,' said +Mr. Chillip, slowly shaking his little head again, 'down in our part of +the country, of your fame. There must be great excitement here, sir,' +said Mr. Chillip, tapping himself on the forehead with his forefinger. +'You must find it a trying occupation, sir!' + +'What is your part of the country now?' I asked, seating myself near +him. + +'I am established within a few miles of Bury St. Edmund's, sir,' said +Mr. Chillip. 'Mrs. Chillip, coming into a little property in that +neighbourhood, under her father's will, I bought a practice down there, +in which you will be glad to hear I am doing well. My daughter is +growing quite a tall lass now, sir,' said Mr. Chillip, giving his little +head another little shake. 'Her mother let down two tucks in her frocks +only last week. Such is time, you see, sir!' + +As the little man put his now empty glass to his lips, when he made this +reflection, I proposed to him to have it refilled, and I would keep him +company with another. 'Well, sir,' he returned, in his slow way, 'it's +more than I am accustomed to; but I can't deny myself the pleasure +of your conversation. It seems but yesterday that I had the honour of +attending you in the measles. You came through them charmingly, sir!' + +I acknowledged this compliment, and ordered the negus, which was soon +produced. 'Quite an uncommon dissipation!' said Mr. Chillip, stirring +it, 'but I can't resist so extraordinary an occasion. You have no +family, sir?' + +I shook my head. + +'I was aware that you sustained a bereavement, sir, some time ago,' said +Mr. Chillip. 'I heard it from your father-in-law's sister. Very decided +character there, sir?' + +'Why, yes,' said I, 'decided enough. Where did you see her, Mr. +Chillip?' + +'Are you not aware, sir,' returned Mr. Chillip, with his placidest +smile, 'that your father-in-law is again a neighbour of mine?' + +'No,' said I. + +'He is indeed, sir!' said Mr. Chillip. 'Married a young lady of that +part, with a very good little property, poor thing.---And this action +of the brain now, sir? Don't you find it fatigue you?' said Mr. Chillip, +looking at me like an admiring Robin. + +I waived that question, and returned to the Murdstones. 'I was aware of +his being married again. Do you attend the family?' I asked. + +'Not regularly. I have been called in,' he replied. 'Strong +phrenological developments of the organ of firmness, in Mr. Murdstone +and his sister, sir.' + +I replied with such an expressive look, that Mr. Chillip was emboldened +by that, and the negus together, to give his head several short shakes, +and thoughtfully exclaim, 'Ah, dear me! We remember old times, Mr. +Copperfield!' + +'And the brother and sister are pursuing their old course, are they?' +said I. + +'Well, sir,' replied Mr. Chillip, 'a medical man, being so much in +families, ought to have neither eyes nor ears for anything but his +profession. Still, I must say, they are very severe, sir: both as to +this life and the next.' + +'The next will be regulated without much reference to them, I dare say,' +I returned: 'what are they doing as to this?' + +Mr. Chillip shook his head, stirred his negus, and sipped it. + +'She was a charming woman, sir!' he observed in a plaintive manner. + +'The present Mrs. Murdstone?' + +'A charming woman indeed, sir,' said Mr. Chillip; 'as amiable, I am sure, +as it was possible to be! Mrs. Chillip's opinion is, that her spirit +has been entirely broken since her marriage, and that she is all but +melancholy mad. And the ladies,' observed Mr. Chillip, timorously, 'are +great observers, sir.' + +'I suppose she was to be subdued and broken to their detestable mould, +Heaven help her!' said I. 'And she has been.' + +'Well, sir, there were violent quarrels at first, I assure you,' said +Mr. Chillip; 'but she is quite a shadow now. Would it be considered +forward if I was to say to you, sir, in confidence, that since the +sister came to help, the brother and sister between them have nearly +reduced her to a state of imbecility?' + +I told him I could easily believe it. + +'I have no hesitation in saying,' said Mr. Chillip, fortifying himself +with another sip of negus, 'between you and me, sir, that her mother +died of it--or that tyranny, gloom, and worry have made Mrs. Murdstone +nearly imbecile. She was a lively young woman, sir, before marriage, and +their gloom and austerity destroyed her. They go about with her, now, +more like her keepers than her husband and sister-in-law. That was +Mrs. Chillip's remark to me, only last week. And I assure you, sir, the +ladies are great observers. Mrs. Chillip herself is a great observer!' + +'Does he gloomily profess to be (I am ashamed to use the word in such +association) religious still?' I inquired. + +'You anticipate, sir,' said Mr. Chillip, his eyelids getting quite +red with the unwonted stimulus in which he was indulging. 'One of Mrs. +Chillip's most impressive remarks. Mrs. Chillip,' he proceeded, in the +calmest and slowest manner, 'quite electrified me, by pointing out +that Mr. Murdstone sets up an image of himself, and calls it the Divine +Nature. You might have knocked me down on the flat of my back, sir, +with the feather of a pen, I assure you, when Mrs. Chillip said so. The +ladies are great observers, sir?' + +'Intuitively,' said I, to his extreme delight. + +'I am very happy to receive such support in my opinion, sir,' he +rejoined. 'It is not often that I venture to give a non-medical opinion, +I assure you. Mr. Murdstone delivers public addresses sometimes, and it +is said,--in short, sir, it is said by Mrs. Chillip,--that the darker +tyrant he has lately been, the more ferocious is his doctrine.' + +'I believe Mrs. Chillip to be perfectly right,' said I. + +'Mrs. Chillip does go so far as to say,' pursued the meekest of little +men, much encouraged, 'that what such people miscall their religion, is +a vent for their bad humours and arrogance. And do you know I must say, +sir,' he continued, mildly laying his head on one side, 'that I DON'T +find authority for Mr. and Miss Murdstone in the New Testament?' + +'I never found it either!' said I. + +'In the meantime, sir,' said Mr. Chillip, 'they are much disliked; +and as they are very free in consigning everybody who dislikes them +to perdition, we really have a good deal of perdition going on in +our neighbourhood! However, as Mrs. Chillip says, sir, they undergo a +continual punishment; for they are turned inward, to feed upon their own +hearts, and their own hearts are very bad feeding. Now, sir, about that +brain of yours, if you'll excuse my returning to it. Don't you expose it +to a good deal of excitement, sir?' + +I found it not difficult, in the excitement of Mr. Chillip's own brain, +under his potations of negus, to divert his attention from this topic +to his own affairs, on which, for the next half-hour, he was quite +loquacious; giving me to understand, among other pieces of information, +that he was then at the Gray's Inn Coffee-house to lay his professional +evidence before a Commission of Lunacy, touching the state of mind of a +patient who had become deranged from excessive drinking. 'And I assure +you, sir,' he said, 'I am extremely nervous on such occasions. I could +not support being what is called Bullied, sir. It would quite unman +me. Do you know it was some time before I recovered the conduct of that +alarming lady, on the night of your birth, Mr. Copperfield?' + +I told him that I was going down to my aunt, the Dragon of that night, +early in the morning; and that she was one of the most tender-hearted +and excellent of women, as he would know full well if he knew her +better. The mere notion of the possibility of his ever seeing her again, +appeared to terrify him. He replied with a small pale smile, 'Is she so, +indeed, sir? Really?' and almost immediately called for a candle, and +went to bed, as if he were not quite safe anywhere else. He did not +actually stagger under the negus; but I should think his placid little +pulse must have made two or three more beats in a minute, than it had +done since the great night of my aunt's disappointment, when she struck +at him with her bonnet. + +Thoroughly tired, I went to bed too, at midnight; passed the next day on +the Dover coach; burst safe and sound into my aunt's old parlour while +she was at tea (she wore spectacles now); and was received by her, and +Mr. Dick, and dear old Peggotty, who acted as housekeeper, with open +arms and tears of joy. My aunt was mightily amused, when we began to +talk composedly, by my account of my meeting with Mr. Chillip, and of +his holding her in such dread remembrance; and both she and Peggotty +had a great deal to say about my poor mother's second husband, and 'that +murdering woman of a sister',--on whom I think no pain or penalty would +have induced my aunt to bestow any Christian or Proper Name, or any +other designation. + + + +CHAPTER 60. AGNES + + +My aunt and I, when we were left alone, talked far into the night. How +the emigrants never wrote home, otherwise than cheerfully and hopefully; +how Mr. Micawber had actually remitted divers small sums of money, on +account of those 'pecuniary liabilities', in reference to which he had +been so business-like as between man and man; how Janet, returning into +my aunt's service when she came back to Dover, had finally carried out +her renunciation of mankind by entering into wedlock with a thriving +tavern-keeper; and how my aunt had finally set her seal on the same +great principle, by aiding and abetting the bride, and crowning the +marriage-ceremony with her presence; were among our topics--already +more or less familiar to me through the letters I had had. Mr. Dick, +as usual, was not forgotten. My aunt informed me how he incessantly +occupied himself in copying everything he could lay his hands on, and +kept King Charles the First at a respectful distance by that semblance +of employment; how it was one of the main joys and rewards of her life +that he was free and happy, instead of pining in monotonous restraint; +and how (as a novel general conclusion) nobody but she could ever fully +know what he was. + +'And when, Trot,' said my aunt, patting the back of my hand, as we sat +in our old way before the fire, 'when are you going over to Canterbury?' + +'I shall get a horse, and ride over tomorrow morning, aunt, unless you +will go with me?' + +'No!' said my aunt, in her short abrupt way. 'I mean to stay where I +am.' + +Then, I should ride, I said. I could not have come through Canterbury +today without stopping, if I had been coming to anyone but her. + +She was pleased, but answered, 'Tut, Trot; MY old bones would have +kept till tomorrow!' and softly patted my hand again, as I sat looking +thoughtfully at the fire. + +Thoughtfully, for I could not be here once more, and so near Agnes, +without the revival of those regrets with which I had so long been +occupied. Softened regrets they might be, teaching me what I had failed +to learn when my younger life was all before me, but not the less +regrets. 'Oh, Trot,' I seemed to hear my aunt say once more; and I +understood her better now--'Blind, blind, blind!' + +We both kept silence for some minutes. When I raised my eyes, I found +that she was steadily observant of me. Perhaps she had followed the +current of my mind; for it seemed to me an easy one to track now, wilful +as it had been once. + +'You will find her father a white-haired old man,' said my aunt, 'though +a better man in all other respects--a reclaimed man. Neither will you +find him measuring all human interests, and joys, and sorrows, with his +one poor little inch-rule now. Trust me, child, such things must shrink +very much, before they can be measured off in that way.' + +'Indeed they must,' said I. + +'You will find her,' pursued my aunt, 'as good, as beautiful, as +earnest, as disinterested, as she has always been. If I knew higher +praise, Trot, I would bestow it on her.' + +There was no higher praise for her; no higher reproach for me. Oh, how +had I strayed so far away! + +'If she trains the young girls whom she has about her, to be like +herself,' said my aunt, earnest even to the filling of her eyes with +tears, 'Heaven knows, her life will be well employed! Useful and happy, +as she said that day! How could she be otherwise than useful and happy!' + +'Has Agnes any--' I was thinking aloud, rather than speaking. + +'Well? Hey? Any what?' said my aunt, sharply. + +'Any lover,' said I. + +'A score,' cried my aunt, with a kind of indignant pride. 'She might +have married twenty times, my dear, since you have been gone!' + +'No doubt,' said I. 'No doubt. But has she any lover who is worthy of +her? Agnes could care for no other.' + +My aunt sat musing for a little while, with her chin upon her hand. +Slowly raising her eyes to mine, she said: + +'I suspect she has an attachment, Trot.' + +'A prosperous one?' said I. + +'Trot,' returned my aunt gravely, 'I can't say. I have no right to tell +you even so much. She has never confided it to me, but I suspect it.' + +She looked so attentively and anxiously at me (I even saw her tremble), +that I felt now, more than ever, that she had followed my late thoughts. +I summoned all the resolutions I had made, in all those many days and +nights, and all those many conflicts of my heart. + +'If it should be so,' I began, 'and I hope it is-' + +'I don't know that it is,' said my aunt curtly. 'You must not be ruled +by my suspicions. You must keep them secret. They are very slight, +perhaps. I have no right to speak.' + +'If it should be so,' I repeated, 'Agnes will tell me at her own good +time. A sister to whom I have confided so much, aunt, will not be +reluctant to confide in me.' + +My aunt withdrew her eyes from mine, as slowly as she had turned them +upon me; and covered them thoughtfully with her hand. By and by she +put her other hand on my shoulder; and so we both sat, looking into the +past, without saying another word, until we parted for the night. + +I rode away, early in the morning, for the scene of my old school-days. +I cannot say that I was yet quite happy, in the hope that I was gaining +a victory over myself; even in the prospect of so soon looking on her +face again. + +The well-remembered ground was soon traversed, and I came into the quiet +streets, where every stone was a boy's book to me. I went on foot to the +old house, and went away with a heart too full to enter. I returned; and +looking, as I passed, through the low window of the turret-room where +first Uriah Heep, and afterwards Mr. Micawber, had been wont to sit, +saw that it was a little parlour now, and that there was no office. +Otherwise the staid old house was, as to its cleanliness and order, +still just as it had been when I first saw it. I requested the new maid +who admitted me, to tell Miss Wickfield that a gentleman who waited on +her from a friend abroad, was there; and I was shown up the grave old +staircase (cautioned of the steps I knew so well), into the unchanged +drawing-room. The books that Agnes and I had read together, were on +their shelves; and the desk where I had laboured at my lessons, many +a night, stood yet at the same old corner of the table. All the little +changes that had crept in when the Heeps were there, were changed again. +Everything was as it used to be, in the happy time. + +I stood in a window, and looked across the ancient street at the +opposite houses, recalling how I had watched them on wet afternoons, +when I first came there; and how I had used to speculate about the +people who appeared at any of the windows, and had followed them with my +eyes up and down stairs, while women went clicking along the pavement in +pattens, and the dull rain fell in slanting lines, and poured out of the +water-spout yonder, and flowed into the road. The feeling with which +I used to watch the tramps, as they came into the town on those wet +evenings, at dusk, and limped past, with their bundles drooping over +their shoulders at the ends of sticks, came freshly back to me; fraught, +as then, with the smell of damp earth, and wet leaves and briar, and the +sensation of the very airs that blew upon me in my own toilsome journey. + +The opening of the little door in the panelled wall made me start and +turn. Her beautiful serene eyes met mine as she came towards me. She +stopped and laid her hand upon her bosom, and I caught her in my arms. + +'Agnes! my dear girl! I have come too suddenly upon you.' + +'No, no! I am so rejoiced to see you, Trotwood!' + +'Dear Agnes, the happiness it is to me, to see you once again!' + +I folded her to my heart, and, for a little while, we were both silent. +Presently we sat down, side by side; and her angel-face was turned upon +me with the welcome I had dreamed of, waking and sleeping, for whole +years. + +She was so true, she was so beautiful, she was so good,--I owed her so +much gratitude, she was so dear to me, that I could find no utterance +for what I felt. I tried to bless her, tried to thank her, tried to tell +her (as I had often done in letters) what an influence she had upon me; +but all my efforts were in vain. My love and joy were dumb. + +With her own sweet tranquillity, she calmed my agitation; led me back to +the time of our parting; spoke to me of Emily, whom she had visited, +in secret, many times; spoke to me tenderly of Dora's grave. With the +unerring instinct of her noble heart, she touched the chords of my +memory so softly and harmoniously, that not one jarred within me; I +could listen to the sorrowful, distant music, and desire to shrink from +nothing it awoke. How could I, when, blended with it all, was her dear +self, the better angel of my life? + +'And you, Agnes,' I said, by and by. 'Tell me of yourself. You have +hardly ever told me of your own life, in all this lapse of time!' + +'What should I tell?' she answered, with her radiant smile. 'Papa is +well. You see us here, quiet in our own home; our anxieties set at rest, +our home restored to us; and knowing that, dear Trotwood, you know all.' + +'All, Agnes?' said I. + +She looked at me, with some fluttering wonder in her face. + +'Is there nothing else, Sister?' I said. + +Her colour, which had just now faded, returned, and faded again. She +smiled; with a quiet sadness, I thought; and shook her head. + +I had sought to lead her to what my aunt had hinted at; for, sharply +painful to me as it must be to receive that confidence, I was to +discipline my heart, and do my duty to her. I saw, however, that she was +uneasy, and I let it pass. + +'You have much to do, dear Agnes?' + +'With my school?' said she, looking up again, in all her bright +composure. + +'Yes. It is laborious, is it not?' + +'The labour is so pleasant,' she returned, 'that it is scarcely grateful +in me to call it by that name.' + +'Nothing good is difficult to you,' said I. + +Her colour came and went once more; and once more, as she bent her head, +I saw the same sad smile. + +'You will wait and see papa,' said Agnes, cheerfully, 'and pass the +day with us? Perhaps you will sleep in your own room? We always call it +yours.' + +I could not do that, having promised to ride back to my aunt's at night; +but I would pass the day there, joyfully. + +'I must be a prisoner for a little while,' said Agnes, 'but here are the +old books, Trotwood, and the old music.' + +'Even the old flowers are here,' said I, looking round; 'or the old +kinds.' + +'I have found a pleasure,' returned Agnes, smiling, 'while you have been +absent, in keeping everything as it used to be when we were children. +For we were very happy then, I think.' + +'Heaven knows we were!' said I. + +'And every little thing that has reminded me of my brother,' said Agnes, +with her cordial eyes turned cheerfully upon me, 'has been a welcome +companion. Even this,' showing me the basket-trifle, full of keys, still +hanging at her side, 'seems to jingle a kind of old tune!' + +She smiled again, and went out at the door by which she had come. + +It was for me to guard this sisterly affection with religious care. It +was all that I had left myself, and it was a treasure. If I once shook +the foundations of the sacred confidence and usage, in virtue of which +it was given to me, it was lost, and could never be recovered. I set +this steadily before myself. The better I loved her, the more it behoved +me never to forget it. + +I walked through the streets; and, once more seeing my old adversary the +butcher--now a constable, with his staff hanging up in the shop--went +down to look at the place where I had fought him; and there meditated +on Miss Shepherd and the eldest Miss Larkins, and all the idle loves and +likings, and dislikings, of that time. Nothing seemed to have survived +that time but Agnes; and she, ever a star above me, was brighter and +higher. + +When I returned, Mr. Wickfield had come home, from a garden he had, a +couple of miles or so out of town, where he now employed himself almost +every day. I found him as my aunt had described him. We sat down to +dinner, with some half-dozen little girls; and he seemed but the shadow +of his handsome picture on the wall. + +The tranquillity and peace belonging, of old, to that quiet ground in my +memory, pervaded it again. When dinner was done, Mr. Wickfield taking no +wine, and I desiring none, we went up-stairs; where Agnes and her little +charges sang and played, and worked. After tea the children left us; and +we three sat together, talking of the bygone days. + +'My part in them,' said Mr. Wickfield, shaking his white head, 'has much +matter for regret--for deep regret, and deep contrition, Trotwood, you +well know. But I would not cancel it, if it were in my power.' + +I could readily believe that, looking at the face beside him. + +'I should cancel with it,' he pursued, 'such patience and devotion, such +fidelity, such a child's love, as I must not forget, no! even to forget +myself.' + +'I understand you, sir,' I softly said. 'I hold it--I have always held +it--in veneration.' + +'But no one knows, not even you,' he returned, 'how much she has done, +how much she has undergone, how hard she has striven. Dear Agnes!' + +She had put her hand entreatingly on his arm, to stop him; and was very, +very pale. + +'Well, well!' he said with a sigh, dismissing, as I then saw, some trial +she had borne, or was yet to bear, in connexion with what my aunt had +told me. 'Well! I have never told you, Trotwood, of her mother. Has +anyone?' + +'Never, sir.' + +'It's not much--though it was much to suffer. She married me in +opposition to her father's wish, and he renounced her. She prayed him +to forgive her, before my Agnes came into this world. He was a very hard +man, and her mother had long been dead. He repulsed her. He broke her +heart.' + +Agnes leaned upon his shoulder, and stole her arm about his neck. + +'She had an affectionate and gentle heart,' he said; 'and it was broken. +I knew its tender nature very well. No one could, if I did not. She +loved me dearly, but was never happy. She was always labouring, in +secret, under this distress; and being delicate and downcast at the time +of his last repulse--for it was not the first, by many--pined away +and died. She left me Agnes, two weeks old; and the grey hair that you +recollect me with, when you first came.' He kissed Agnes on her cheek. + +'My love for my dear child was a diseased love, but my mind was all +unhealthy then. I say no more of that. I am not speaking of myself, +Trotwood, but of her mother, and of her. If I give you any clue to what +I am, or to what I have been, you will unravel it, I know. What Agnes +is, I need not say. I have always read something of her poor mother's +story, in her character; and so I tell it you tonight, when we three are +again together, after such great changes. I have told it all.' + +His bowed head, and her angel-face and filial duty, derived a more +pathetic meaning from it than they had had before. If I had wanted +anything by which to mark this night of our re-union, I should have +found it in this. + +Agnes rose up from her father's side, before long; and going softly to +her piano, played some of the old airs to which we had often listened in +that place. + +'Have you any intention of going away again?' Agnes asked me, as I was +standing by. + +'What does my sister say to that?' + +'I hope not.' + +'Then I have no such intention, Agnes.' + +'I think you ought not, Trotwood, since you ask me,' she said, mildly. +'Your growing reputation and success enlarge your power of doing good; +and if I could spare my brother,' with her eyes upon me, 'perhaps the +time could not.' + +'What I am, you have made me, Agnes. You should know best.' + +'I made you, Trotwood?' + +'Yes! Agnes, my dear girl!' I said, bending over her. 'I tried to tell +you, when we met today, something that has been in my thoughts since +Dora died. You remember, when you came down to me in our little +room--pointing upward, Agnes?' + +'Oh, Trotwood!' she returned, her eyes filled with tears. 'So loving, so +confiding, and so young! Can I ever forget?' + +'As you were then, my sister, I have often thought since, you have ever +been to me. Ever pointing upward, Agnes; ever leading me to something +better; ever directing me to higher things!' + +She only shook her head; through her tears I saw the same sad quiet +smile. + +'And I am so grateful to you for it, Agnes, so bound to you, that there +is no name for the affection of my heart. I want you to know, yet don't +know how to tell you, that all my life long I shall look up to you, +and be guided by you, as I have been through the darkness that is past. +Whatever betides, whatever new ties you may form, whatever changes may +come between us, I shall always look to you, and love you, as I do now, +and have always done. You will always be my solace and resource, as you +have always been. Until I die, my dearest sister, I shall see you always +before me, pointing upward!' + +She put her hand in mine, and told me she was proud of me, and of what I +said; although I praised her very far beyond her worth. Then she went +on softly playing, but without removing her eyes from me. 'Do you know, +what I have heard tonight, Agnes,' said I, strangely seems to be a part +of the feeling with which I regarded you when I saw you first--with +which I sat beside you in my rough school-days?' + +'You knew I had no mother,' she replied with a smile, 'and felt kindly +towards me.' + +'More than that, Agnes, I knew, almost as if I had known this story, +that there was something inexplicably gentle and softened, surrounding +you; something that might have been sorrowful in someone else (as I can +now understand it was), but was not so in you.' + +She softly played on, looking at me still. + +'Will you laugh at my cherishing such fancies, Agnes?' + +'No!' + +'Or at my saying that I really believe I felt, even then, that you could +be faithfully affectionate against all discouragement, and never cease +to be so, until you ceased to live?---Will you laugh at such a dream?' + +'Oh, no! Oh, no!' + +For an instant, a distressful shadow crossed her face; but, even in the +start it gave me, it was gone; and she was playing on, and looking at me +with her own calm smile. + +As I rode back in the lonely night, the wind going by me like a restless +memory, I thought of this, and feared she was not happy. I was not +happy; but, thus far, I had faithfully set the seal upon the Past, and, +thinking of her, pointing upward, thought of her as pointing to that +sky above me, where, in the mystery to come, I might yet love her with +a love unknown on earth, and tell her what the strife had been within me +when I loved her here. + + + +CHAPTER 61. I AM SHOWN TWO INTERESTING PENITENTS + + +For a time--at all events until my book should be completed, which would +be the work of several months--I took up my abode in my aunt's house at +Dover; and there, sitting in the window from which I had looked out at +the moon upon the sea, when that roof first gave me shelter, I quietly +pursued my task. + +In pursuance of my intention of referring to my own fictions only when +their course should incidentally connect itself with the progress of my +story, I do not enter on the aspirations, the delights, anxieties, and +triumphs of my art. That I truly devoted myself to it with my strongest +earnestness, and bestowed upon it every energy of my soul, I have +already said. If the books I have written be of any worth, they will +supply the rest. I shall otherwise have written to poor purpose, and the +rest will be of interest to no one. + +Occasionally, I went to London; to lose myself in the swarm of life +there, or to consult with Traddles on some business point. He had +managed for me, in my absence, with the soundest judgement; and my +worldly affairs were prospering. As my notoriety began to bring upon +me an enormous quantity of letters from people of whom I had no +knowledge--chiefly about nothing, and extremely difficult to answer--I +agreed with Traddles to have my name painted up on his door. There, the +devoted postman on that beat delivered bushels of letters for me; and +there, at intervals, I laboured through them, like a Home Secretary of +State without the salary. + +Among this correspondence, there dropped in, every now and then, an +obliging proposal from one of the numerous outsiders always lurking +about the Commons, to practise under cover of my name (if I would take +the necessary steps remaining to make a proctor of myself), and pay me +a percentage on the profits. But I declined these offers; being already +aware that there were plenty of such covert practitioners in existence, +and considering the Commons quite bad enough, without my doing anything +to make it worse. + +The girls had gone home, when my name burst into bloom on Traddles's +door; and the sharp boy looked, all day, as if he had never heard of +Sophy, shut up in a back room, glancing down from her work into a sooty +little strip of garden with a pump in it. But there I always found her, +the same bright housewife; often humming her Devonshire ballads when no +strange foot was coming up the stairs, and blunting the sharp boy in his +official closet with melody. + +I wondered, at first, why I so often found Sophy writing in a copy-book; +and why she always shut it up when I appeared, and hurried it into the +table-drawer. But the secret soon came out. One day, Traddles (who had +just come home through the drizzling sleet from Court) took a paper out +of his desk, and asked me what I thought of that handwriting? + +'Oh, DON'T, Tom!' cried Sophy, who was warming his slippers before the +fire. + +'My dear,' returned Tom, in a delighted state, 'why not? What do you say +to that writing, Copperfield?' + +'It's extraordinarily legal and formal,' said I. 'I don't think I ever +saw such a stiff hand.' + +'Not like a lady's hand, is it?' said Traddles. + +'A lady's!' I repeated. 'Bricks and mortar are more like a lady's hand!' + +Traddles broke into a rapturous laugh, and informed me that it was +Sophy's writing; that Sophy had vowed and declared he would need a +copying-clerk soon, and she would be that clerk; that she had acquired +this hand from a pattern; and that she could throw off--I forget how +many folios an hour. Sophy was very much confused by my being told all +this, and said that when 'Tom' was made a judge he wouldn't be so ready +to proclaim it. Which 'Tom' denied; averring that he should always be +equally proud of it, under all circumstances. + +'What a thoroughly good and charming wife she is, my dear Traddles!' +said I, when she had gone away, laughing. + +'My dear Copperfield,' returned Traddles, 'she is, without any +exception, the dearest girl! The way she manages this place; her +punctuality, domestic knowledge, economy, and order; her cheerfulness, +Copperfield!' + +'Indeed, you have reason to commend her!' I returned. 'You are a happy +fellow. I believe you make yourselves, and each other, two of the +happiest people in the world.' + +'I am sure we ARE two of the happiest people,' returned Traddles. 'I +admit that, at all events. Bless my soul, when I see her getting up +by candle-light on these dark mornings, busying herself in the day's +arrangements, going out to market before the clerks come into the Inn, +caring for no weather, devising the most capital little dinners out of +the plainest materials, making puddings and pies, keeping everything in +its right place, always so neat and ornamental herself, sitting up +at night with me if it's ever so late, sweet-tempered and encouraging +always, and all for me, I positively sometimes can't believe it, +Copperfield!' + +He was tender of the very slippers she had been warming, as he put them +on, and stretched his feet enjoyingly upon the fender. + +'I positively sometimes can't believe it,' said Traddles. 'Then our +pleasures! Dear me, they are inexpensive, but they are quite wonderful! +When we are at home here, of an evening, and shut the outer door, and +draw those curtains--which she made--where could we be more snug? When +it's fine, and we go out for a walk in the evening, the streets +abound in enjoyment for us. We look into the glittering windows of the +jewellers' shops; and I show Sophy which of the diamond-eyed serpents, +coiled up on white satin rising grounds, I would give her if I could +afford it; and Sophy shows me which of the gold watches that are +capped and jewelled and engine-turned, and possessed of the horizontal +lever-escape-movement, and all sorts of things, she would buy for me if +she could afford it; and we pick out the spoons and forks, fish-slices, +butter-knives, and sugar-tongs, we should both prefer if we could both +afford it; and really we go away as if we had got them! Then, when we +stroll into the squares, and great streets, and see a house to let, +sometimes we look up at it, and say, how would THAT do, if I was made +a judge? And we parcel it out--such a room for us, such rooms for the +girls, and so forth; until we settle to our satisfaction that it +would do, or it wouldn't do, as the case may be. Sometimes, we go at +half-price to the pit of the theatre--the very smell of which is cheap, +in my opinion, at the money--and there we thoroughly enjoy the play: +which Sophy believes every word of, and so do I. In walking home, +perhaps we buy a little bit of something at a cook's-shop, or a little +lobster at the fishmongers, and bring it here, and make a splendid +supper, chatting about what we have seen. Now, you know, Copperfield, if +I was Lord Chancellor, we couldn't do this!' + +'You would do something, whatever you were, my dear Traddles,' thought +I, 'that would be pleasant and amiable. And by the way,' I said aloud, +'I suppose you never draw any skeletons now?' + +'Really,' replied Traddles, laughing, and reddening, 'I can't wholly +deny that I do, my dear Copperfield. For being in one of the back rows +of the King's Bench the other day, with a pen in my hand, the fancy came +into my head to try how I had preserved that accomplishment. And I am +afraid there's a skeleton--in a wig--on the ledge of the desk.' + +After we had both laughed heartily, Traddles wound up by looking with a +smile at the fire, and saying, in his forgiving way, 'Old Creakle!' + +'I have a letter from that old--Rascal here,' said I. For I never was +less disposed to forgive him the way he used to batter Traddles, than +when I saw Traddles so ready to forgive him himself. + +'From Creakle the schoolmaster?' exclaimed Traddles. 'No!' + +'Among the persons who are attracted to me in my rising fame and +fortune,' said I, looking over my letters, 'and who discover that they +were always much attached to me, is the self-same Creakle. He is not +a schoolmaster now, Traddles. He is retired. He is a Middlesex +Magistrate.' + +I thought Traddles might be surprised to hear it, but he was not so at +all. + +'How do you suppose he comes to be a Middlesex Magistrate?' said I. + +'Oh dear me!' replied Traddles, 'it would be very difficult to answer +that question. Perhaps he voted for somebody, or lent money to somebody, +or bought something of somebody, or otherwise obliged somebody, or +jobbed for somebody, who knew somebody who got the lieutenant of the +county to nominate him for the commission.' + +'On the commission he is, at any rate,' said I. 'And he writes to me +here, that he will be glad to show me, in operation, the only true +system of prison discipline; the only unchallengeable way of making +sincere and lasting converts and penitents--which, you know, is by +solitary confinement. What do you say?' + +'To the system?' inquired Traddles, looking grave. + +'No. To my accepting the offer, and your going with me?' + +'I don't object,' said Traddles. + +'Then I'll write to say so. You remember (to say nothing of our +treatment) this same Creakle turning his son out of doors, I suppose, +and the life he used to lead his wife and daughter?' + +'Perfectly,' said Traddles. + +'Yet, if you'll read his letter, you'll find he is the tenderest of +men to prisoners convicted of the whole calendar of felonies,' said I; +'though I can't find that his tenderness extends to any other class of +created beings.' + +Traddles shrugged his shoulders, and was not at all surprised. I had not +expected him to be, and was not surprised myself; or my observation of +similar practical satires would have been but scanty. We arranged the +time of our visit, and I wrote accordingly to Mr. Creakle that evening. + +On the appointed day--I think it was the next day, but no +matter--Traddles and I repaired to the prison where Mr. Creakle was +powerful. It was an immense and solid building, erected at a vast +expense. I could not help thinking, as we approached the gate, what +an uproar would have been made in the country, if any deluded man had +proposed to spend one half the money it had cost, on the erection of an +industrial school for the young, or a house of refuge for the deserving +old. + +In an office that might have been on the ground-floor of the Tower of +Babel, it was so massively constructed, we were presented to our old +schoolmaster; who was one of a group, composed of two or three of the +busier sort of magistrates, and some visitors they had brought. He +received me, like a man who had formed my mind in bygone years, and +had always loved me tenderly. On my introducing Traddles, Mr. Creakle +expressed, in like manner, but in an inferior degree, that he had always +been Traddles's guide, philosopher, and friend. Our venerable instructor +was a great deal older, and not improved in appearance. His face was +as fiery as ever; his eyes were as small, and rather deeper set. The +scanty, wet-looking grey hair, by which I remembered him, was almost +gone; and the thick veins in his bald head were none the more agreeable +to look at. + +After some conversation among these gentlemen, from which I might have +supposed that there was nothing in the world to be legitimately taken +into account but the supreme comfort of prisoners, at any expense, and +nothing on the wide earth to be done outside prison-doors, we began +our inspection. It being then just dinner-time, we went, first into the +great kitchen, where every prisoner's dinner was in course of being set +out separately (to be handed to him in his cell), with the regularity +and precision of clock-work. I said aside, to Traddles, that I wondered +whether it occurred to anybody, that there was a striking contrast +between these plentiful repasts of choice quality, and the dinners, not +to say of paupers, but of soldiers, sailors, labourers, the great bulk +of the honest, working community; of whom not one man in five hundred +ever dined half so well. But I learned that the 'system' required high +living; and, in short, to dispose of the system, once for all, I found +that on that head and on all others, 'the system' put an end to all +doubts, and disposed of all anomalies. Nobody appeared to have the least +idea that there was any other system, but THE system, to be considered. + +As we were going through some of the magnificent passages, I inquired of +Mr. Creakle and his friends what were supposed to be the main advantages +of this all-governing and universally over-riding system? I found +them to be the perfect isolation of prisoners--so that no one man in +confinement there, knew anything about another; and the reduction of +prisoners to a wholesome state of mind, leading to sincere contrition +and repentance. + +Now, it struck me, when we began to visit individuals in their cells, +and to traverse the passages in which those cells were, and to have the +manner of the going to chapel and so forth, explained to us, that there +was a strong probability of the prisoners knowing a good deal about each +other, and of their carrying on a pretty complete system of intercourse. +This, at the time I write, has been proved, I believe, to be the case; +but, as it would have been flat blasphemy against the system to have +hinted such a doubt then, I looked out for the penitence as diligently +as I could. + +And here again, I had great misgivings. I found as prevalent a fashion +in the form of the penitence, as I had left outside in the forms of the +coats and waistcoats in the windows of the tailors' shops. I found a +vast amount of profession, varying very little in character: varying +very little (which I thought exceedingly suspicious), even in words. I +found a great many foxes, disparaging whole vineyards of inaccessible +grapes; but I found very few foxes whom I would have trusted within +reach of a bunch. Above all, I found that the most professing men were +the greatest objects of interest; and that their conceit, their vanity, +their want of excitement, and their love of deception (which many +of them possessed to an almost incredible extent, as their histories +showed), all prompted to these professions, and were all gratified by +them. + +However, I heard so repeatedly, in the course of our goings to and fro, +of a certain Number Twenty Seven, who was the Favourite, and who really +appeared to be a Model Prisoner, that I resolved to suspend my judgement +until I should see Twenty Seven. Twenty Eight, I understood, was also +a bright particular star; but it was his misfortune to have his glory +a little dimmed by the extraordinary lustre of Twenty Seven. I heard so +much of Twenty Seven, of his pious admonitions to everybody around him, +and of the beautiful letters he constantly wrote to his mother (whom he +seemed to consider in a very bad way), that I became quite impatient to +see him. + +I had to restrain my impatience for some time, on account of Twenty +Seven being reserved for a concluding effect. But, at last, we came to +the door of his cell; and Mr. Creakle, looking through a little hole in +it, reported to us, in a state of the greatest admiration, that he was +reading a Hymn Book. + +There was such a rush of heads immediately, to see Number Twenty Seven +reading his Hymn Book, that the little hole was blocked up, six or seven +heads deep. To remedy this inconvenience, and give us an opportunity of +conversing with Twenty Seven in all his purity, Mr. Creakle directed the +door of the cell to be unlocked, and Twenty Seven to be invited out into +the passage. This was done; and whom should Traddles and I then behold, +to our amazement, in this converted Number Twenty Seven, but Uriah Heep! + +He knew us directly; and said, as he came out--with the old writhe,-- + +'How do you do, Mr. Copperfield? How do you do, Mr. Traddles?' + +This recognition caused a general admiration in the party. I rather +thought that everyone was struck by his not being proud, and taking +notice of us. + +'Well, Twenty Seven,' said Mr. Creakle, mournfully admiring him. 'How do +you find yourself today?' + +'I am very umble, sir!' replied Uriah Heep. + +'You are always so, Twenty Seven,' said Mr. Creakle. + +Here, another gentleman asked, with extreme anxiety: 'Are you quite +comfortable?' + +'Yes, I thank you, sir!' said Uriah Heep, looking in that direction. +'Far more comfortable here, than ever I was outside. I see my follies, +now, sir. That's what makes me comfortable.' + +Several gentlemen were much affected; and a third questioner, forcing +himself to the front, inquired with extreme feeling: 'How do you find +the beef?' + +'Thank you, sir,' replied Uriah, glancing in the new direction of this +voice, 'it was tougher yesterday than I could wish; but it's my duty to +bear. I have committed follies, gentlemen,' said Uriah, looking round +with a meek smile, 'and I ought to bear the consequences without +repining.' A murmur, partly of gratification at Twenty Seven's celestial +state of mind, and partly of indignation against the Contractor who had +given him any cause of complaint (a note of which was immediately made +by Mr. Creakle), having subsided, Twenty Seven stood in the midst of +us, as if he felt himself the principal object of merit in a highly +meritorious museum. That we, the neophytes, might have an excess of +light shining upon us all at once, orders were given to let out Twenty +Eight. + +I had been so much astonished already, that I only felt a kind of +resigned wonder when Mr. Littimer walked forth, reading a good book! + +'Twenty Eight,' said a gentleman in spectacles, who had not yet spoken, +'you complained last week, my good fellow, of the cocoa. How has it been +since?' + +'I thank you, sir,' said Mr. Littimer, 'it has been better made. If I +might take the liberty of saying so, sir, I don't think the milk which +is boiled with it is quite genuine; but I am aware, sir, that there is +a great adulteration of milk, in London, and that the article in a pure +state is difficult to be obtained.' + +It appeared to me that the gentleman in spectacles backed his Twenty +Eight against Mr. Creakle's Twenty Seven, for each of them took his own +man in hand. + +'What is your state of mind, Twenty Eight?' said the questioner in +spectacles. + +'I thank you, sir,' returned Mr. Littimer; 'I see my follies now, sir. +I am a good deal troubled when I think of the sins of my former +companions, sir; but I trust they may find forgiveness.' + +'You are quite happy yourself?' said the questioner, nodding +encouragement. + +'I am much obliged to you, sir,' returned Mr. Littimer. 'Perfectly so.' + +'Is there anything at all on your mind now?' said the questioner. 'If +so, mention it, Twenty Eight.' + +'Sir,' said Mr. Littimer, without looking up, 'if my eyes have not +deceived me, there is a gentleman present who was acquainted with me +in my former life. It may be profitable to that gentleman to know, sir, +that I attribute my past follies, entirely to having lived a thoughtless +life in the service of young men; and to having allowed myself to be led +by them into weaknesses, which I had not the strength to resist. I hope +that gentleman will take warning, sir, and will not be offended at my +freedom. It is for his good. I am conscious of my own past follies. I +hope he may repent of all the wickedness and sin to which he has been a +party.' + +I observed that several gentlemen were shading their eyes, each with one +hand, as if they had just come into church. + +'This does you credit, Twenty Eight,' returned the questioner. 'I should +have expected it of you. Is there anything else?' + +'Sir,' returned Mr. Littimer, slightly lifting up his eyebrows, but not +his eyes, 'there was a young woman who fell into dissolute courses, that +I endeavoured to save, sir, but could not rescue. I beg that gentleman, +if he has it in his power, to inform that young woman from me that +I forgive her her bad conduct towards myself, and that I call her to +repentance--if he will be so good.' + +'I have no doubt, Twenty Eight,' returned the questioner, 'that the +gentleman you refer to feels very strongly--as we all must--what you +have so properly said. We will not detain you.' + +'I thank you, sir,' said Mr. Littimer. 'Gentlemen, I wish you a good +day, and hoping you and your families will also see your wickedness, and +amend!' + +With this, Number Twenty Eight retired, after a glance between him and +Uriah; as if they were not altogether unknown to each other, through +some medium of communication; and a murmur went round the group, as his +door shut upon him, that he was a most respectable man, and a beautiful +case. + +'Now, Twenty Seven,' said Mr. Creakle, entering on a clear stage with +his man, 'is there anything that anyone can do for you? If so, mention +it.' + +'I would umbly ask, sir,' returned Uriah, with a jerk of his malevolent +head, 'for leave to write again to mother.' + +'It shall certainly be granted,' said Mr. Creakle. + +'Thank you, sir! I am anxious about mother. I am afraid she ain't safe.' + +Somebody incautiously asked, what from? But there was a scandalized +whisper of 'Hush!' + +'Immortally safe, sir,' returned Uriah, writhing in the direction of +the voice. 'I should wish mother to be got into my state. I never should +have been got into my present state if I hadn't come here. I wish mother +had come here. It would be better for everybody, if they got took up, +and was brought here.' + +This sentiment gave unbounded satisfaction--greater satisfaction, I +think, than anything that had passed yet. + +'Before I come here,' said Uriah, stealing a look at us, as if he would +have blighted the outer world to which we belonged, if he could, 'I was +given to follies; but now I am sensible of my follies. There's a deal +of sin outside. There's a deal of sin in mother. There's nothing but sin +everywhere--except here.' + +'You are quite changed?' said Mr. Creakle. + +'Oh dear, yes, sir!' cried this hopeful penitent. + +'You wouldn't relapse, if you were going out?' asked somebody else. + +'Oh de-ar no, sir!' + +'Well!' said Mr. Creakle, 'this is very gratifying. You have addressed +Mr. Copperfield, Twenty Seven. Do you wish to say anything further to +him?' + +'You knew me, a long time before I came here and was changed, Mr. +Copperfield,' said Uriah, looking at me; and a more villainous look +I never saw, even on his visage. 'You knew me when, in spite of my +follies, I was umble among them that was proud, and meek among them that +was violent--you was violent to me yourself, Mr. Copperfield. Once, you +struck me a blow in the face, you know.' + +General commiseration. Several indignant glances directed at me. + +'But I forgive you, Mr. Copperfield,' said Uriah, making his forgiving +nature the subject of a most impious and awful parallel, which I shall +not record. 'I forgive everybody. It would ill become me to bear malice. +I freely forgive you, and I hope you'll curb your passions in future. I +hope Mr. W. will repent, and Miss W., and all of that sinful lot. You've +been visited with affliction, and I hope it may do you good; but you'd +better have come here. Mr. W. had better have come here, and Miss W. +too. The best wish I could give you, Mr. Copperfield, and give all of +you gentlemen, is, that you could be took up and brought here. When I +think of my past follies, and my present state, I am sure it would be +best for you. I pity all who ain't brought here!' + +He sneaked back into his cell, amidst a little chorus of approbation; +and both Traddles and I experienced a great relief when he was locked +in. + +It was a characteristic feature in this repentance, that I was fain to +ask what these two men had done, to be there at all. That appeared to be +the last thing about which they had anything to say. I addressed +myself to one of the two warders, who, I suspected from certain latent +indications in their faces, knew pretty well what all this stir was +worth. + +'Do you know,' said I, as we walked along the passage, 'what felony was +Number Twenty Seven's last "folly"?' + +The answer was that it was a Bank case. + +'A fraud on the Bank of England?' I asked. 'Yes, sir. Fraud, forgery, +and conspiracy. He and some others. He set the others on. It was a deep +plot for a large sum. Sentence, transportation for life. Twenty Seven +was the knowingest bird of the lot, and had very nearly kept himself +safe; but not quite. The Bank was just able to put salt upon his +tail--and only just.' + +'Do you know Twenty Eight's offence?' + +'Twenty Eight,' returned my informant, speaking throughout in a low +tone, and looking over his shoulder as we walked along the passage, to +guard himself from being overheard, in such an unlawful reference +to these Immaculates, by Creakle and the rest; 'Twenty Eight (also +transportation) got a place, and robbed a young master of a matter of +two hundred and fifty pounds in money and valuables, the night before +they were going abroad. I particularly recollect his case, from his +being took by a dwarf.' + +'A what?' + +'A little woman. I have forgot her name?' + +'Not Mowcher?' + +'That's it! He had eluded pursuit, and was going to America in a flaxen +wig, and whiskers, and such a complete disguise as never you see in all +your born days; when the little woman, being in Southampton, met +him walking along the street--picked him out with her sharp eye in a +moment--ran betwixt his legs to upset him--and held on to him like grim +Death.' + +'Excellent Miss Mowcher!' cried I. + +'You'd have said so, if you had seen her, standing on a chair in the +witness-box at the trial, as I did,' said my friend. 'He cut her face +right open, and pounded her in the most brutal manner, when she took +him; but she never loosed her hold till he was locked up. She held so +tight to him, in fact, that the officers were obliged to take 'em +both together. She gave her evidence in the gamest way, and was highly +complimented by the Bench, and cheered right home to her lodgings. She +said in Court that she'd have took him single-handed (on account of what +she knew concerning him), if he had been Samson. And it's my belief she +would!' + +It was mine too, and I highly respected Miss Mowcher for it. + +We had now seen all there was to see. It would have been in vain to +represent to such a man as the Worshipful Mr. Creakle, that Twenty Seven +and Twenty Eight were perfectly consistent and unchanged; that exactly +what they were then, they had always been; that the hypocritical knaves +were just the subjects to make that sort of profession in such a place; +that they knew its market-value at least as well as we did, in the +immediate service it would do them when they were expatriated; in +a word, that it was a rotten, hollow, painfully suggestive piece of +business altogether. We left them to their system and themselves, and +went home wondering. + +'Perhaps it's a good thing, Traddles,' said I, 'to have an unsound Hobby +ridden hard; for it's the sooner ridden to death.' + +'I hope so,' replied Traddles. + + + +CHAPTER 62. A LIGHT SHINES ON MY WAY + + +The year came round to Christmas-time, and I had been at home above +two months. I had seen Agnes frequently. However loud the general voice +might be in giving me encouragement, and however fervent the emotions +and endeavours to which it roused me, I heard her lightest word of +praise as I heard nothing else. + +At least once a week, and sometimes oftener, I rode over there, and +passed the evening. I usually rode back at night; for the old unhappy +sense was always hovering about me now--most sorrowfully when I left +her--and I was glad to be up and out, rather than wandering over the +past in weary wakefulness or miserable dreams. I wore away the longest +part of many wild sad nights, in those rides; reviving, as I went, the +thoughts that had occupied me in my long absence. + +Or, if I were to say rather that I listened to the echoes of those +thoughts, I should better express the truth. They spoke to me from afar +off. I had put them at a distance, and accepted my inevitable place. +When I read to Agnes what I wrote; when I saw her listening face; moved +her to smiles or tears; and heard her cordial voice so earnest on the +shadowy events of that imaginative world in which I lived; I thought +what a fate mine might have been--but only thought so, as I had thought +after I was married to Dora, what I could have wished my wife to be. + +My duty to Agnes, who loved me with a love, which, if I disquieted, I +wronged most selfishly and poorly, and could never restore; my matured +assurance that I, who had worked out my own destiny, and won what I +had impetuously set my heart on, had no right to murmur, and must bear; +comprised what I felt and what I had learned. But I loved her: and now +it even became some consolation to me, vaguely to conceive a distant day +when I might blamelessly avow it; when all this should be over; when I +could say 'Agnes, so it was when I came home; and now I am old, and I +never have loved since!' + +She did not once show me any change in herself. What she always had been +to me, she still was; wholly unaltered. + +Between my aunt and me there had been something, in this connexion, +since the night of my return, which I cannot call a restraint, or an +avoidance of the subject, so much as an implied understanding that we +thought of it together, but did not shape our thoughts into words. When, +according to our old custom, we sat before the fire at night, we often +fell into this train; as naturally, and as consciously to each other, as +if we had unreservedly said so. But we preserved an unbroken silence. I +believed that she had read, or partly read, my thoughts that night; and +that she fully comprehended why I gave mine no more distinct expression. + +This Christmas-time being come, and Agnes having reposed no new +confidence in me, a doubt that had several times arisen in my +mind--whether she could have that perception of the true state of +my breast, which restrained her with the apprehension of giving me +pain--began to oppress me heavily. If that were so, my sacrifice was +nothing; my plainest obligation to her unfulfilled; and every poor +action I had shrunk from, I was hourly doing. I resolved to set this +right beyond all doubt;--if such a barrier were between us, to break it +down at once with a determined hand. + +It was--what lasting reason have I to remember it!--a cold, harsh, +winter day. There had been snow, some hours before; and it lay, not +deep, but hard-frozen on the ground. Out at sea, beyond my window, the +wind blew ruggedly from the north. I had been thinking of it, sweeping +over those mountain wastes of snow in Switzerland, then inaccessible to +any human foot; and had been speculating which was the lonelier, those +solitary regions, or a deserted ocean. + +'Riding today, Trot?' said my aunt, putting her head in at the door. + +'Yes,' said I, 'I am going over to Canterbury. It's a good day for a +ride.' + +'I hope your horse may think so too,' said my aunt; 'but at present he +is holding down his head and his ears, standing before the door there, +as if he thought his stable preferable.' + +My aunt, I may observe, allowed my horse on the forbidden ground, but +had not at all relented towards the donkeys. + +'He will be fresh enough, presently!' said I. + +'The ride will do his master good, at all events,' observed my aunt, +glancing at the papers on my table. 'Ah, child, you pass a good many +hours here! I never thought, when I used to read books, what work it was +to write them.' + +'It's work enough to read them, sometimes,' I returned. 'As to the +writing, it has its own charms, aunt.' + +'Ah! I see!' said my aunt. 'Ambition, love of approbation, sympathy, and +much more, I suppose? Well: go along with you!' + +'Do you know anything more,' said I, standing composedly before her--she +had patted me on the shoulder, and sat down in my chair--'of that +attachment of Agnes?' + +She looked up in my face a little while, before replying: + +'I think I do, Trot.' + +'Are you confirmed in your impression?' I inquired. + +'I think I am, Trot.' + +She looked so steadfastly at me: with a kind of doubt, or pity, or +suspense in her affection: that I summoned the stronger determination to +show her a perfectly cheerful face. + +'And what is more, Trot--' said my aunt. + +'Yes!' + +'I think Agnes is going to be married.' + +'God bless her!' said I, cheerfully. + +'God bless her!' said my aunt, 'and her husband too!' + +I echoed it, parted from my aunt, and went lightly downstairs, mounted, +and rode away. There was greater reason than before to do what I had +resolved to do. + +How well I recollect the wintry ride! The frozen particles of ice, +brushed from the blades of grass by the wind, and borne across my face; +the hard clatter of the horse's hoofs, beating a tune upon the ground; +the stiff-tilled soil; the snowdrift, lightly eddying in the chalk-pit +as the breeze ruffled it; the smoking team with the waggon of old hay, +stopping to breathe on the hill-top, and shaking their bells musically; +the whitened slopes and sweeps of Down-land lying against the dark sky, +as if they were drawn on a huge slate! + +I found Agnes alone. The little girls had gone to their own homes now, +and she was alone by the fire, reading. She put down her book on seeing +me come in; and having welcomed me as usual, took her work-basket and +sat in one of the old-fashioned windows. + +I sat beside her on the window-seat, and we talked of what I was doing, +and when it would be done, and of the progress I had made since my last +visit. Agnes was very cheerful; and laughingly predicted that I should +soon become too famous to be talked to, on such subjects. + +'So I make the most of the present time, you see,' said Agnes, 'and talk +to you while I may.' + +As I looked at her beautiful face, observant of her work, she raised her +mild clear eyes, and saw that I was looking at her. + +'You are thoughtful today, Trotwood!' + +'Agnes, shall I tell you what about? I came to tell you.' + +She put aside her work, as she was used to do when we were seriously +discussing anything; and gave me her whole attention. + +'My dear Agnes, do you doubt my being true to you?' + +'No!' she answered, with a look of astonishment. + +'Do you doubt my being what I always have been to you?' + +'No!' she answered, as before. + +'Do you remember that I tried to tell you, when I came home, what a debt +of gratitude I owed you, dearest Agnes, and how fervently I felt towards +you?' + +'I remember it,' she said, gently, 'very well.' + +'You have a secret,' said I. 'Let me share it, Agnes.' + +She cast down her eyes, and trembled. + +'I could hardly fail to know, even if I had not heard--but from other +lips than yours, Agnes, which seems strange--that there is someone upon +whom you have bestowed the treasure of your love. Do not shut me out of +what concerns your happiness so nearly! If you can trust me, as you say +you can, and as I know you may, let me be your friend, your brother, in +this matter, of all others!' + +With an appealing, almost a reproachful, glance, she rose from the +window; and hurrying across the room as if without knowing where, put +her hands before her face, and burst into such tears as smote me to the +heart. + +And yet they awakened something in me, bringing promise to my heart. +Without my knowing why, these tears allied themselves with the quietly +sad smile which was so fixed in my remembrance, and shook me more with +hope than fear or sorrow. + +'Agnes! Sister! Dearest! What have I done?' + +'Let me go away, Trotwood. I am not well. I am not myself. I will speak +to you by and by--another time. I will write to you. Don't speak to me +now. Don't! don't!' + +I sought to recollect what she had said, when I had spoken to her on +that former night, of her affection needing no return. It seemed a very +world that I must search through in a moment. 'Agnes, I cannot bear +to see you so, and think that I have been the cause. My dearest girl, +dearer to me than anything in life, if you are unhappy, let me share +your unhappiness. If you are in need of help or counsel, let me try to +give it to you. If you have indeed a burden on your heart, let me try to +lighten it. For whom do I live now, Agnes, if it is not for you!' + +'Oh, spare me! I am not myself! Another time!' was all I could +distinguish. + +Was it a selfish error that was leading me away? Or, having once a clue +to hope, was there something opening to me that I had not dared to think +of? + +'I must say more. I cannot let you leave me so! For Heaven's sake, +Agnes, let us not mistake each other after all these years, and all +that has come and gone with them! I must speak plainly. If you have any +lingering thought that I could envy the happiness you will confer; that +I could not resign you to a dearer protector, of your own choosing; that +I could not, from my removed place, be a contented witness of your joy; +dismiss it, for I don't deserve it! I have not suffered quite in vain. +You have not taught me quite in vain. There is no alloy of self in what +I feel for you.' + +She was quiet now. In a little time, she turned her pale face towards +me, and said in a low voice, broken here and there, but very clear: + +'I owe it to your pure friendship for me, Trotwood--which, indeed, I do +not doubt--to tell you, you are mistaken. I can do no more. If I have +sometimes, in the course of years, wanted help and counsel, they have +come to me. If I have sometimes been unhappy, the feeling has passed +away. If I have ever had a burden on my heart, it has been lightened +for me. If I have any secret, it is--no new one; and is--not what you +suppose. I cannot reveal it, or divide it. It has long been mine, and +must remain mine.' + +'Agnes! Stay! A moment!' + +She was going away, but I detained her. I clasped my arm about her +waist. 'In the course of years!' 'It is not a new one!' New thoughts and +hopes were whirling through my mind, and all the colours of my life were +changing. + +'Dearest Agnes! Whom I so respect and honour--whom I so devotedly love! +When I came here today, I thought that nothing could have wrested this +confession from me. I thought I could have kept it in my bosom all our +lives, till we were old. But, Agnes, if I have indeed any new-born hope +that I may ever call you something more than Sister, widely different +from Sister!--' + +Her tears fell fast; but they were not like those she had lately shed, +and I saw my hope brighten in them. + +'Agnes! Ever my guide, and best support! If you had been more mindful +of yourself, and less of me, when we grew up here together, I think my +heedless fancy never would have wandered from you. But you were so +much better than I, so necessary to me in every boyish hope and +disappointment, that to have you to confide in, and rely upon in +everything, became a second nature, supplanting for the time the first +and greater one of loving you as I do!' + +Still weeping, but not sadly--joyfully! And clasped in my arms as she +had never been, as I had thought she never was to be! + +'When I loved Dora--fondly, Agnes, as you know--' + +'Yes!' she cried, earnestly. 'I am glad to know it!' + +'When I loved her--even then, my love would have been incomplete, +without your sympathy. I had it, and it was perfected. And when I lost +her, Agnes, what should I have been without you, still!' + +Closer in my arms, nearer to my heart, her trembling hand upon my +shoulder, her sweet eyes shining through her tears, on mine! + +'I went away, dear Agnes, loving you. I stayed away, loving you. I +returned home, loving you!' + +And now, I tried to tell her of the struggle I had had, and the +conclusion I had come to. I tried to lay my mind before her, truly, and +entirely. I tried to show her how I had hoped I had come into the better +knowledge of myself and of her; how I had resigned myself to what that +better knowledge brought; and how I had come there, even that day, in my +fidelity to this. If she did so love me (I said) that she could take me +for her husband, she could do so, on no deserving of mine, except upon +the truth of my love for her, and the trouble in which it had ripened to +be what it was; and hence it was that I revealed it. And O, Agnes, even +out of thy true eyes, in that same time, the spirit of my child-wife +looked upon me, saying it was well; and winning me, through thee, to +tenderest recollections of the Blossom that had withered in its bloom! + +'I am so blest, Trotwood--my heart is so overcharged--but there is one +thing I must say.' + +'Dearest, what?' + +She laid her gentle hands upon my shoulders, and looked calmly in my +face. + +'Do you know, yet, what it is?' + +'I am afraid to speculate on what it is. Tell me, my dear.' + +'I have loved you all my life!' + +O, we were happy, we were happy! Our tears were not for the trials (hers +so much the greater) through which we had come to be thus, but for the +rapture of being thus, never to be divided more! + +We walked, that winter evening, in the fields together; and the blessed +calm within us seemed to be partaken by the frosty air. The early stars +began to shine while we were lingering on, and looking up to them, we +thanked our GOD for having guided us to this tranquillity. + +We stood together in the same old-fashioned window at night, when the +moon was shining; Agnes with her quiet eyes raised up to it; I following +her glance. Long miles of road then opened out before my mind; and, +toiling on, I saw a ragged way-worn boy, forsaken and neglected, who +should come to call even the heart now beating against mine, his own. + + +It was nearly dinner-time next day when we appeared before my aunt. She +was up in my study, Peggotty said: which it was her pride to keep in +readiness and order for me. We found her, in her spectacles, sitting by +the fire. + +'Goodness me!' said my aunt, peering through the dusk, 'who's this +you're bringing home?' + +'Agnes,' said I. + +As we had arranged to say nothing at first, my aunt was not a little +discomfited. She darted a hopeful glance at me, when I said 'Agnes'; but +seeing that I looked as usual, she took off her spectacles in despair, +and rubbed her nose with them. + +She greeted Agnes heartily, nevertheless; and we were soon in the +lighted parlour downstairs, at dinner. My aunt put on her spectacles +twice or thrice, to take another look at me, but as often took them +off again, disappointed, and rubbed her nose with them. Much to the +discomfiture of Mr. Dick, who knew this to be a bad symptom. + +'By the by, aunt,' said I, after dinner; 'I have been speaking to Agnes +about what you told me.' + +'Then, Trot,' said my aunt, turning scarlet, 'you did wrong, and broke +your promise.' + +'You are not angry, aunt, I trust? I am sure you won't be, when you +learn that Agnes is not unhappy in any attachment.' + +'Stuff and nonsense!' said my aunt. + +As my aunt appeared to be annoyed, I thought the best way was to cut her +annoyance short. I took Agnes in my arm to the back of her chair, and we +both leaned over her. My aunt, with one clap of her hands, and one look +through her spectacles, immediately went into hysterics, for the first +and only time in all my knowledge of her. + +The hysterics called up Peggotty. The moment my aunt was restored, she +flew at Peggotty, and calling her a silly old creature, hugged her with +all her might. After that, she hugged Mr. Dick (who was highly honoured, +but a good deal surprised); and after that, told them why. Then, we were +all happy together. + +I could not discover whether my aunt, in her last short conversation +with me, had fallen on a pious fraud, or had really mistaken the state +of my mind. It was quite enough, she said, that she had told me Agnes +was going to be married; and that I now knew better than anyone how true +it was. + + +We were married within a fortnight. Traddles and Sophy, and Doctor and +Mrs. Strong, were the only guests at our quiet wedding. We left them +full of joy; and drove away together. Clasped in my embrace, I held the +source of every worthy aspiration I had ever had; the centre of myself, +the circle of my life, my own, my wife; my love of whom was founded on a +rock! + +'Dearest husband!' said Agnes. 'Now that I may call you by that name, I +have one thing more to tell you.' + +'Let me hear it, love.' + +'It grows out of the night when Dora died. She sent you for me.' + +'She did.' + +'She told me that she left me something. Can you think what it was?' + +I believed I could. I drew the wife who had so long loved me, closer to +my side. + +'She told me that she made a last request to me, and left me a last +charge.' + +'And it was--' + +'That only I would occupy this vacant place.' + +And Agnes laid her head upon my breast, and wept; and I wept with her, +though we were so happy. + + + + +CHAPTER 63. A VISITOR + +What I have purposed to record is nearly finished; but there is yet an +incident conspicuous in my memory, on which it often rests with delight, +and without which one thread in the web I have spun would have a +ravelled end. + +I had advanced in fame and fortune, my domestic joy was perfect, I had +been married ten happy years. Agnes and I were sitting by the fire, in +our house in London, one night in spring, and three of our children were +playing in the room, when I was told that a stranger wished to see me. + +He had been asked if he came on business, and had answered No; he had +come for the pleasure of seeing me, and had come a long way. He was an +old man, my servant said, and looked like a farmer. + +As this sounded mysterious to the children, and moreover was like the +beginning of a favourite story Agnes used to tell them, introductory +to the arrival of a wicked old Fairy in a cloak who hated everybody, it +produced some commotion. One of our boys laid his head in his mother's +lap to be out of harm's way, and little Agnes (our eldest child) left +her doll in a chair to represent her, and thrust out her little heap +of golden curls from between the window-curtains, to see what happened +next. + +'Let him come in here!' said I. + +There soon appeared, pausing in the dark doorway as he entered, a hale, +grey-haired old man. Little Agnes, attracted by his looks, had run to +bring him in, and I had not yet clearly seen his face, when my wife, +starting up, cried out to me, in a pleased and agitated voice, that it +was Mr. Peggotty! + +It WAS Mr. Peggotty. An old man now, but in a ruddy, hearty, strong old +age. When our first emotion was over, and he sat before the fire with +the children on his knees, and the blaze shining on his face, he looked, +to me, as vigorous and robust, withal as handsome, an old man, as ever I +had seen. + +'Mas'r Davy,' said he. And the old name in the old tone fell so +naturally on my ear! 'Mas'r Davy, 'tis a joyful hour as I see you, once +more, 'long with your own trew wife!' + +'A joyful hour indeed, old friend!' cried I. + +'And these heer pretty ones,' said Mr. Peggotty. 'To look at these heer +flowers! Why, Mas'r Davy, you was but the heighth of the littlest of +these, when I first see you! When Em'ly warn't no bigger, and our poor +lad were BUT a lad!' + +'Time has changed me more than it has changed you since then,' said I. +'But let these dear rogues go to bed; and as no house in England but +this must hold you, tell me where to send for your luggage (is the old +black bag among it, that went so far, I wonder!), and then, over a glass +of Yarmouth grog, we will have the tidings of ten years!' + +'Are you alone?' asked Agnes. + +'Yes, ma'am,' he said, kissing her hand, 'quite alone.' + +We sat him between us, not knowing how to give him welcome enough; and +as I began to listen to his old familiar voice, I could have fancied he +was still pursuing his long journey in search of his darling niece. + +'It's a mort of water,' said Mr. Peggotty, 'fur to come across, and +on'y stay a matter of fower weeks. But water ('specially when 'tis salt) +comes nat'ral to me; and friends is dear, and I am heer. --Which is +verse,' said Mr. Peggotty, surprised to find it out, 'though I hadn't +such intentions.' + +'Are you going back those many thousand miles, so soon?' asked Agnes. + +'Yes, ma'am,' he returned. 'I giv the promise to Em'ly, afore I come +away. You see, I doen't grow younger as the years comes round, and if +I hadn't sailed as 'twas, most like I shouldn't never have done 't. And +it's allus been on my mind, as I must come and see Mas'r Davy and your +own sweet blooming self, in your wedded happiness, afore I got to be too +old.' + +He looked at us, as if he could never feast his eyes on us sufficiently. +Agnes laughingly put back some scattered locks of his grey hair, that he +might see us better. + +'And now tell us,' said I, 'everything relating to your fortunes.' + +'Our fortuns, Mas'r Davy,' he rejoined, 'is soon told. We haven't fared +nohows, but fared to thrive. We've allus thrived. We've worked as we +ought to 't, and maybe we lived a leetle hard at first or so, but +we have allus thrived. What with sheep-farming, and what with +stock-farming, and what with one thing and what with t'other, we are as +well to do, as well could be. Theer's been kiender a blessing fell upon +us,' said Mr. Peggotty, reverentially inclining his head, 'and we've +done nowt but prosper. That is, in the long run. If not yesterday, why +then today. If not today, why then tomorrow.' + +'And Emily?' said Agnes and I, both together. + +'Em'ly,' said he, 'arter you left her, ma'am--and I never heerd her +saying of her prayers at night, t'other side the canvas screen, when we +was settled in the Bush, but what I heerd your name--and arter she and +me lost sight of Mas'r Davy, that theer shining sundown--was that low, +at first, that, if she had know'd then what Mas'r Davy kep from us so +kind and thowtful, 'tis my opinion she'd have drooped away. But theer +was some poor folks aboard as had illness among 'em, and she took care +of them; and theer was the children in our company, and she took care of +them; and so she got to be busy, and to be doing good, and that helped +her.' + +'When did she first hear of it?' I asked. + +'I kep it from her arter I heerd on 't,' said Mr. Peggotty, 'going +on nigh a year. We was living then in a solitary place, but among the +beautifullest trees, and with the roses a-covering our Beein to the +roof. Theer come along one day, when I was out a-working on the land, a +traveller from our own Norfolk or Suffolk in England (I doen't rightly +mind which), and of course we took him in, and giv him to eat and drink, +and made him welcome. We all do that, all the colony over. He'd got an +old newspaper with him, and some other account in print of the storm. +That's how she know'd it. When I came home at night, I found she know'd +it.' + +He dropped his voice as he said these words, and the gravity I so well +remembered overspread his face. + +'Did it change her much?' we asked. + +'Aye, for a good long time,' he said, shaking his head; 'if not to this +present hour. But I think the solitoode done her good. And she had a +deal to mind in the way of poultry and the like, and minded of it, and +come through. I wonder,' he said thoughtfully, 'if you could see my +Em'ly now, Mas'r Davy, whether you'd know her!' + +'Is she so altered?' I inquired. + +'I doen't know. I see her ev'ry day, and doen't know; But, odd-times, I +have thowt so. A slight figure,' said Mr. Peggotty, looking at the fire, +'kiender worn; soft, sorrowful, blue eyes; a delicate face; a pritty +head, leaning a little down; a quiet voice and way--timid a'most. That's +Em'ly!' + +We silently observed him as he sat, still looking at the fire. + +'Some thinks,' he said, 'as her affection was ill-bestowed; some, as her +marriage was broken off by death. No one knows how 'tis. She might have +married well, a mort of times, "but, uncle," she says to me, "that's +gone for ever." Cheerful along with me; retired when others is by; +fond of going any distance fur to teach a child, or fur to tend a sick +person, or fur to do some kindness tow'rds a young girl's wedding (and +she's done a many, but has never seen one); fondly loving of her uncle; +patient; liked by young and old; sowt out by all that has any trouble. +That's Em'ly!' + +He drew his hand across his face, and with a half-suppressed sigh looked +up from the fire. + +'Is Martha with you yet?' I asked. + +'Martha,' he replied, 'got married, Mas'r Davy, in the second year. A +young man, a farm-labourer, as come by us on his way to market with his +mas'r's drays--a journey of over five hundred mile, theer and back--made +offers fur to take her fur his wife (wives is very scarce theer), and +then to set up fur their two selves in the Bush. She spoke to me fur to +tell him her trew story. I did. They was married, and they live fower +hundred mile away from any voices but their own and the singing birds.' + +'Mrs. Gummidge?' I suggested. + +It was a pleasant key to touch, for Mr. Peggotty suddenly burst into a +roar of laughter, and rubbed his hands up and down his legs, as he had +been accustomed to do when he enjoyed himself in the long-shipwrecked +boat. + +'Would you believe it!' he said. 'Why, someun even made offer fur to +marry her! If a ship's cook that was turning settler, Mas'r Davy, didn't +make offers fur to marry Missis Gummidge, I'm Gormed--and I can't say no +fairer than that!' + +I never saw Agnes laugh so. This sudden ecstasy on the part of Mr. +Peggotty was so delightful to her, that she could not leave off +laughing; and the more she laughed the more she made me laugh, and the +greater Mr. Peggotty's ecstasy became, and the more he rubbed his legs. + +'And what did Mrs. Gummidge say?' I asked, when I was grave enough. + +'If you'll believe me,' returned Mr. Peggotty, 'Missis Gummidge, 'stead +of saying "thank you, I'm much obleeged to you, I ain't a-going fur +to change my condition at my time of life," up'd with a bucket as was +standing by, and laid it over that theer ship's cook's head 'till he +sung out fur help, and I went in and reskied of him.' + +Mr. Peggotty burst into a great roar of laughter, and Agnes and I both +kept him company. + +'But I must say this, for the good creetur,' he resumed, wiping his +face, when we were quite exhausted; 'she has been all she said she'd +be to us, and more. She's the willingest, the trewest, the +honestest-helping woman, Mas'r Davy, as ever draw'd the breath of life. +I have never know'd her to be lone and lorn, for a single minute, +not even when the colony was all afore us, and we was new to it. And +thinking of the old 'un is a thing she never done, I do assure you, +since she left England!' + +'Now, last, not least, Mr. Micawber,' said I. 'He has paid off every +obligation he incurred here--even to Traddles's bill, you remember my +dear Agnes--and therefore we may take it for granted that he is doing +well. But what is the latest news of him?' + +Mr. Peggotty, with a smile, put his hand in his breast-pocket, and +produced a flat-folded, paper parcel, from which he took out, with much +care, a little odd-looking newspaper. + +'You are to understan', Mas'r Davy,' said he, 'as we have left the +Bush now, being so well to do; and have gone right away round to Port +Middlebay Harbour, wheer theer's what we call a town.' + +'Mr. Micawber was in the Bush near you?' said I. + +'Bless you, yes,' said Mr. Peggotty, 'and turned to with a will. I never +wish to meet a better gen'l'man for turning to with a will. I've seen +that theer bald head of his a perspiring in the sun, Mas'r Davy, till I +a'most thowt it would have melted away. And now he's a Magistrate.' + +'A Magistrate, eh?' said I. + +Mr. Peggotty pointed to a certain paragraph in the newspaper, where I +read aloud as follows, from the Port Middlebay Times: + + +'The public dinner to our distinguished fellow-colonist and townsman, +WILKINS MICAWBER, ESQUIRE, Port Middlebay District Magistrate, came +off yesterday in the large room of the Hotel, which was crowded to +suffocation. It is estimated that not fewer than forty-seven persons +must have been accommodated with dinner at one time, exclusive of the +company in the passage and on the stairs. The beauty, fashion, and +exclusiveness of Port Middlebay, flocked to do honour to one so +deservedly esteemed, so highly talented, and so widely popular. Doctor +Mell (of Colonial Salem-House Grammar School, Port Middlebay) presided, +and on his right sat the distinguished guest. After the removal of the +cloth, and the singing of Non Nobis (beautifully executed, and in which +we were at no loss to distinguish the bell-like notes of that gifted +amateur, WILKINS MICAWBER, ESQUIRE, JUNIOR), the usual loyal and +patriotic toasts were severally given and rapturously received. Doctor +Mell, in a speech replete with feeling, then proposed "Our distinguished +Guest, the ornament of our town. May he never leave us but to better +himself, and may his success among us be such as to render his bettering +himself impossible!" The cheering with which the toast was received +defies description. Again and again it rose and fell, like the waves +of ocean. At length all was hushed, and WILKINS MICAWBER, ESQUIRE, +presented himself to return thanks. Far be it from us, in the present +comparatively imperfect state of the resources of our establishment, +to endeavour to follow our distinguished townsman through the +smoothly-flowing periods of his polished and highly-ornate address! +Suffice it to observe, that it was a masterpiece of eloquence; and that +those passages in which he more particularly traced his own successful +career to its source, and warned the younger portion of his auditory +from the shoals of ever incurring pecuniary liabilities which they were +unable to liquidate, brought a tear into the manliest eye present. The +remaining toasts were DOCTOR MELL; Mrs. MICAWBER (who gracefully bowed +her acknowledgements from the side-door, where a galaxy of beauty was +elevated on chairs, at once to witness and adorn the gratifying scene), +Mrs. RIDGER BEGS (late Miss Micawber); Mrs. MELL; WILKINS MICAWBER, +ESQUIRE, JUNIOR (who convulsed the assembly by humorously remarking that +he found himself unable to return thanks in a speech, but would do so, +with their permission, in a song); Mrs. MICAWBER'S FAMILY (well known, +it is needless to remark, in the mother-country), &c. &c. &c. At the +conclusion of the proceedings the tables were cleared as if by art-magic +for dancing. Among the votaries of TERPSICHORE, who disported themselves +until Sol gave warning for departure, Wilkins Micawber, Esquire, Junior, +and the lovely and accomplished Miss Helena, fourth daughter of Doctor +Mell, were particularly remarkable.' + + +I was looking back to the name of Doctor Mell, pleased to have +discovered, in these happier circumstances, Mr. Mell, formerly poor +pinched usher to my Middlesex magistrate, when Mr. Peggotty pointing +to another part of the paper, my eyes rested on my own name, and I read +thus: + + +'TO DAVID COPPERFIELD, ESQUIRE, + +'THE EMINENT AUTHOR. + +'My Dear Sir, + +'Years have elapsed, since I had an opportunity of ocularly perusing the +lineaments, now familiar to the imaginations of a considerable portion +of the civilized world. + +'But, my dear Sir, though estranged (by the force of circumstances over +which I have had no control) from the personal society of the friend and +companion of my youth, I have not been unmindful of his soaring flight. +Nor have I been debarred, + + Though seas between us braid ha' roared, + +(BURNS) from participating in the intellectual feasts he has spread +before us. + +'I cannot, therefore, allow of the departure from this place of an +individual whom we mutually respect and esteem, without, my dear Sir, +taking this public opportunity of thanking you, on my own behalf, and, +I may undertake to add, on that of the whole of the Inhabitants of Port +Middlebay, for the gratification of which you are the ministering agent. + +'Go on, my dear Sir! You are not unknown here, you are not +unappreciated. Though "remote", we are neither "unfriended", +"melancholy", nor (I may add) "slow". Go on, my dear Sir, in your Eagle +course! The inhabitants of Port Middlebay may at least aspire to watch +it, with delight, with entertainment, with instruction! + +'Among the eyes elevated towards you from this portion of the globe, +will ever be found, while it has light and life, + + 'The + 'Eye + 'Appertaining to + + 'WILKINS MICAWBER, + 'Magistrate.' + + +I found, on glancing at the remaining contents of the newspaper, that +Mr. Micawber was a diligent and esteemed correspondent of that journal. +There was another letter from him in the same paper, touching a bridge; +there was an advertisement of a collection of similar letters by him, to +be shortly republished, in a neat volume, 'with considerable additions'; +and, unless I am very much mistaken, the Leading Article was his also. + +We talked much of Mr. Micawber, on many other evenings while Mr. +Peggotty remained with us. He lived with us during the whole term of his +stay,--which, I think, was something less than a month,--and his sister +and my aunt came to London to see him. Agnes and I parted from him +aboard-ship, when he sailed; and we shall never part from him more, on +earth. + +But before he left, he went with me to Yarmouth, to see a little tablet +I had put up in the churchyard to the memory of Ham. While I was copying +the plain inscription for him at his request, I saw him stoop, and +gather a tuft of grass from the grave and a little earth. + +'For Em'ly,' he said, as he put it in his breast. 'I promised, Mas'r +Davy.' + + + +CHAPTER 64. A LAST RETROSPECT + + +And now my written story ends. I look back, once more--for the last +time--before I close these leaves. + +I see myself, with Agnes at my side, journeying along the road of life. +I see our children and our friends around us; and I hear the roar of +many voices, not indifferent to me as I travel on. + +What faces are the most distinct to me in the fleeting crowd? Lo, these; +all turning to me as I ask my thoughts the question! + +Here is my aunt, in stronger spectacles, an old woman of four-score +years and more, but upright yet, and a steady walker of six miles at a +stretch in winter weather. + +Always with her, here comes Peggotty, my good old nurse, likewise in +spectacles, accustomed to do needle-work at night very close to the +lamp, but never sitting down to it without a bit of wax candle, a +yard-measure in a little house, and a work-box with a picture of St. +Paul's upon the lid. + +The cheeks and arms of Peggotty, so hard and red in my childish days, +when I wondered why the birds didn't peck her in preference to apples, +are shrivelled now; and her eyes, that used to darken their whole +neighbourhood in her face, are fainter (though they glitter still); +but her rough forefinger, which I once associated with a pocket +nutmeg-grater, is just the same, and when I see my least child catching +at it as it totters from my aunt to her, I think of our little parlour +at home, when I could scarcely walk. My aunt's old disappointment is set +right, now. She is godmother to a real living Betsey Trotwood; and Dora +(the next in order) says she spoils her. + +There is something bulky in Peggotty's pocket. It is nothing smaller +than the Crocodile Book, which is in rather a dilapidated condition by +this time, with divers of the leaves torn and stitched across, but which +Peggotty exhibits to the children as a precious relic. I find it very +curious to see my own infant face, looking up at me from the Crocodile +stories; and to be reminded by it of my old acquaintance Brooks of +Sheffield. + +Among my boys, this summer holiday time, I see an old man making giant +kites, and gazing at them in the air, with a delight for which there +are no words. He greets me rapturously, and whispers, with many nods +and winks, 'Trotwood, you will be glad to hear that I shall finish the +Memorial when I have nothing else to do, and that your aunt's the most +extraordinary woman in the world, sir!' + +Who is this bent lady, supporting herself by a stick, and showing me +a countenance in which there are some traces of old pride and beauty, +feebly contending with a querulous, imbecile, fretful wandering of the +mind? She is in a garden; and near her stands a sharp, dark, withered +woman, with a white scar on her lip. Let me hear what they say. + +'Rosa, I have forgotten this gentleman's name.' + +Rosa bends over her, and calls to her, 'Mr. Copperfield.' + +'I am glad to see you, sir. I am sorry to observe you are in mourning. I +hope Time will be good to you.' + +Her impatient attendant scolds her, tells her I am not in mourning, bids +her look again, tries to rouse her. + +'You have seen my son, sir,' says the elder lady. 'Are you reconciled?' + +Looking fixedly at me, she puts her hand to her forehead, and moans. +Suddenly, she cries, in a terrible voice, 'Rosa, come to me. He is +dead!' Rosa kneeling at her feet, by turns caresses her, and quarrels +with her; now fiercely telling her, 'I loved him better than you ever +did!'--now soothing her to sleep on her breast, like a sick child. Thus +I leave them; thus I always find them; thus they wear their time away, +from year to year. + +What ship comes sailing home from India, and what English lady is this, +married to a growling old Scotch Croesus with great flaps of ears? Can +this be Julia Mills? + +Indeed it is Julia Mills, peevish and fine, with a black man to carry +cards and letters to her on a golden salver, and a copper-coloured woman +in linen, with a bright handkerchief round her head, to serve her Tiffin +in her dressing-room. But Julia keeps no diary in these days; never +sings Affection's Dirge; eternally quarrels with the old Scotch Croesus, +who is a sort of yellow bear with a tanned hide. Julia is steeped in +money to the throat, and talks and thinks of nothing else. I liked her +better in the Desert of Sahara. + +Or perhaps this IS the Desert of Sahara! For, though Julia has a stately +house, and mighty company, and sumptuous dinners every day, I see no +green growth near her; nothing that can ever come to fruit or flower. +What Julia calls 'society', I see; among it Mr. Jack Maldon, from his +Patent Place, sneering at the hand that gave it him, and speaking to me +of the Doctor as 'so charmingly antique'. But when society is the name +for such hollow gentlemen and ladies, Julia, and when its breeding is +professed indifference to everything that can advance or can retard +mankind, I think we must have lost ourselves in that same Desert of +Sahara, and had better find the way out. + +And lo, the Doctor, always our good friend, labouring at his Dictionary +(somewhere about the letter D), and happy in his home and wife. Also +the Old Soldier, on a considerably reduced footing, and by no means so +influential as in days of yore! + +Working at his chambers in the Temple, with a busy aspect, and his hair +(where he is not bald) made more rebellious than ever by the constant +friction of his lawyer's-wig, I come, in a later time, upon my dear old +Traddles. His table is covered with thick piles of papers; and I say, as +I look around me: + +'If Sophy were your clerk, now, Traddles, she would have enough to do!' + +'You may say that, my dear Copperfield! But those were capital days, +too, in Holborn Court! Were they not?' + +'When she told you you would be a judge? But it was not the town talk +then!' + +'At all events,' says Traddles, 'if I ever am one--' 'Why, you know you +will be.' + +'Well, my dear Copperfield, WHEN I am one, I shall tell the story, as I +said I would.' + +We walk away, arm in arm. I am going to have a family dinner with +Traddles. It is Sophy's birthday; and, on our road, Traddles discourses +to me of the good fortune he has enjoyed. + +'I really have been able, my dear Copperfield, to do all that I had most +at heart. There's the Reverend Horace promoted to that living at four +hundred and fifty pounds a year; there are our two boys receiving the +very best education, and distinguishing themselves as steady scholars +and good fellows; there are three of the girls married very comfortably; +there are three more living with us; there are three more keeping house +for the Reverend Horace since Mrs. Crewler's decease; and all of them +happy.' + +'Except--' I suggest. + +'Except the Beauty,' says Traddles. 'Yes. It was very unfortunate that +she should marry such a vagabond. But there was a certain dash and glare +about him that caught her. However, now we have got her safe at our +house, and got rid of him, we must cheer her up again.' + +Traddles's house is one of the very houses--or it easily may have +been--which he and Sophy used to parcel out, in their evening walks. It +is a large house; but Traddles keeps his papers in his dressing-room +and his boots with his papers; and he and Sophy squeeze themselves into +upper rooms, reserving the best bedrooms for the Beauty and the girls. +There is no room to spare in the house; for more of 'the girls' are +here, and always are here, by some accident or other, than I know how +to count. Here, when we go in, is a crowd of them, running down to +the door, and handing Traddles about to be kissed, until he is out of +breath. Here, established in perpetuity, is the poor Beauty, a widow +with a little girl; here, at dinner on Sophy's birthday, are the three +married girls with their three husbands, and one of the husband's +brothers, and another husband's cousin, and another husband's sister, +who appears to me to be engaged to the cousin. Traddles, exactly the +same simple, unaffected fellow as he ever was, sits at the foot of the +large table like a Patriarch; and Sophy beams upon him, from the head, +across a cheerful space that is certainly not glittering with Britannia +metal. + +And now, as I close my task, subduing my desire to linger yet, these +faces fade away. But one face, shining on me like a Heavenly light by +which I see all other objects, is above them and beyond them all. And +that remains. + +I turn my head, and see it, in its beautiful serenity, beside me. + +My lamp burns low, and I have written far into the night; but the dear +presence, without which I were nothing, bears me company. + +O Agnes, O my soul, so may thy face be by me when I close my life +indeed; so may I, when realities are melting from me, like the shadows +which I now dismiss, still find thee near me, pointing upward! + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of David Copperfield, by Charles Dickens + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK DAVID COPPERFIELD *** + +***** This file should be named 766.txt or 766.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/7/6/766/ + +Produced by Jo Churcher + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + http://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. diff --git a/TCSS 143/Labs/Lab 4/Documentation Requirements.pdf b/TCSS 143/Labs/Lab 4/Documentation Requirements.pdf new file mode 100644 index 0000000..e550482 Binary files /dev/null and b/TCSS 143/Labs/Lab 4/Documentation Requirements.pdf differ diff --git a/TCSS 143/Labs/Lab 4/Documentation_Demo.html b/TCSS 143/Labs/Lab 4/Documentation_Demo.html new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6087b84 --- /dev/null +++ b/TCSS 143/Labs/Lab 4/Documentation_Demo.html @@ -0,0 +1,258 @@ + + + + + + +Documentation_Demo + + + + + + + +
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Class Documentation_Demo

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+ + + diff --git a/TCSS 143/Labs/Lab 4/Documentation_Demo.java b/TCSS 143/Labs/Lab 4/Documentation_Demo.java new file mode 100644 index 0000000..47c9d56 --- /dev/null +++ b/TCSS 143/Labs/Lab 4/Documentation_Demo.java @@ -0,0 +1,107 @@ +/* +* TCSS 143 - Winter 2016 +* Instructor: David Schuessler +* Documentation of code demo +*/ + +import java.util.Scanner; + +/** +* Generates a class average on a series of student test grades. +* +* @author Skylar Cowan sdcowan@uw.edu +* @version 21 October 2016 +*/ +public class Documentation_Demo { +// constants (static final fields) +/** A default value for the number of students. */ + public static final int TOTAL_STUDENTS = 10; + +/** +* Driver method of the class average processing. +* +* @param theArgs is used for command line input. +*/ + public static void main(String[] theArgs) { + Scanner console = new Scanner(System.in); // Scanner-keyboard input. + // The following is an array - to be discussed formally in week 2. + int[] testScores = new int[TOTAL_STUDENTS]; // Self-documenting name. + double classAverage = 0.0; // Same as above which means + // no need for these comments. + int totalPassed = 0; + getTestScores(testScores, console); + classAverage = getTestAverage(testScores); + totalPassed = getTotalPassed(testScores); + displayResults(testScores, classAverage, totalPassed); + } +/** +* Reads all the test scores from the console. +* +* @param theTestScores is the array to hold all the scores. +* @param theConsole is a Scanner to read from the keyboard. +*/ + public static void getTestScores(int[] theTestScores, Scanner theConsole) { + for (int testNumber = 1; testNumber <= TOTAL_STUDENTS; testNumber++) { + System.out.printf("Enter test Score #%2d: ", testNumber); + theTestScores[testNumber - 1] = theConsole.nextInt(); + } + System.out.println(); + } +// Continued next page ----> +/** +* Generates and returns the average of the test scores. +* +* @param theTestScores is the array of test scores. +* @return the average of all the test scores. +*/ + public static double getTestAverage(int[] theTestScores) { + double sum = 0.0; + for (int testIndex = 0; testIndex < TOTAL_STUDENTS; testIndex++) { + sum += theTestScores[testIndex]; + } + return sum / TOTAL_STUDENTS; } + +/** +* Counts and returns the total of passing scores. Instead of using the preferred +* for loop to process an array, this method does the same using a while loop. +* +* @param theTestScores is the array of test scores. +* @return a count of how many scores were above 75% +*/ + public static int getTotalPassed(int[] theTestScores) { + int totalPassingSum = 0; // 3 sections of for loop header: + int testIndex = 0; // 1. Initialize + while (testIndex < TOTAL_STUDENTS) { // 2. Test condition + if (theTestScores[testIndex] >= 75) { + totalPassingSum++; + } + testIndex++; // 3. Increment + } + return totalPassingSum; + } + +/** +* Displays the results (class average and number or passing scores). +* +* @param theTestScores is the array of test scores. +* @param theClassAverage contains the average of all scores. +* @param theTotalPassed contains how many scores were >= 75. +*/ + public static void displayResults(int[] theTestScores, + double theClassAverage, + int theTotalPassed) { + String output = "The class average = " + theClassAverage + "%\n" + + "The total Passing = " + theTotalPassed + "\n" + + "All the test scores are:\n"; + + // Concatenate all test scores to output, one per line. + for (int testIndex = 0; testIndex < TOTAL_STUDENTS; testIndex++) { + output += String.format("\t Test #%2d:%4d\n", + testIndex + 1, + theTestScores[testIndex]); + } + + // Display the results to the console. + System.out.println(output); + } +} \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/TCSS 143/Labs/Lab 4/Lab4.docx b/TCSS 143/Labs/Lab 4/Lab4.docx new file mode 100644 index 0000000..0236e47 Binary files /dev/null and b/TCSS 143/Labs/Lab 4/Lab4.docx differ diff --git a/TCSS 143/Labs/Lab 4/Lab4a.java b/TCSS 143/Labs/Lab 4/Lab4a.java new file mode 100644 index 0000000..7ef9eb2 --- /dev/null +++ b/TCSS 143/Labs/Lab 4/Lab4a.java @@ -0,0 +1,64 @@ +/* + Program Name: Lab4a.java + Programmer: Skylar Cowan + Date: 10/19/2016 + Purpose: Take accept user's input with a name of a file to open and read + then print out the number of words/lines in the file. In addition, a + file named Results.txt will be produced with the same information + from the console output. +*/ + +import java.util.Scanner; +import java.io.*; + +public class Lab4a { + public static void main(String[] args) { + Scanner read = null; + System.out.print("Enter the name of the file: "); + Scanner input = new Scanner(System.in); + + String name = input.nextLine(); + + try { + read = new Scanner(new FileInputStream(name)); + } + catch (FileNotFoundException e) { + System.out.println("File could not be found or opened."); + System.exit(0); + } + + readWriteFile(read); + } + + public static void readWriteFile(Scanner f) { + int words = 0; + int lines = 0; + while (f.hasNextLine()) { + String line = f.nextLine(); + lines++; + for (String token : line.split("\\s+")) { + if (!token.isEmpty()) { + words++; + } + } + } + System.out.println("Total number of words: " + words); + System.out.println("Total number of lines: " + lines); + + PrintWriter toFile = null; + File results; + + try { + results = new File("Results.txt"); + toFile = new PrintWriter(results); + } + catch (IOException e) { + System.out.println("Could not write to file."); + System.exit(0); + } + + toFile.println("Total number of words: " + words); + toFile.println("Total number of lines: " + lines); + toFile.close(); + } +} \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/TCSS 143/Labs/Lab 4/Lab4b.java b/TCSS 143/Labs/Lab 4/Lab4b.java new file mode 100644 index 0000000..c2f5590 --- /dev/null +++ b/TCSS 143/Labs/Lab 4/Lab4b.java @@ -0,0 +1,51 @@ +/* + Program Name: Lab4b.java + Programmer: Skylar Cowan + Date: 10/19/2016 + Purpose: To accept user input with one of four predetermined names + and then to return the popularity of that specific name from the + year 1900 to 2000 +*/ + +import java.util.Scanner; +import java.io.FileInputStream; +import java.io.FileNotFoundException; + +public class Lab4b { + public static void main(String[] args) { + Scanner file = null; + System.out.print("Enter a name: "); + Scanner input = new Scanner(System.in); + String name = input.nextLine(); + + try { + file = new Scanner(new FileInputStream("population.txt")); + } + catch (FileNotFoundException e) { + System.out.println("File could not be found or opened."); + System.exit(0); + } + + displayStats(file, name); + } + + public static void displayStats(Scanner f, String name) { + boolean found = false; + String word = ""; + while (f.hasNext()) { + word = f.next(); + if (word.equals(name)) { + found = true; + break; + } + } + if (found) { + System.out.println("Statistics on the name \"" + name + "\""); + for (int i = 0; i <= 10; i++) { + System.out.println((1900 + i * 10) + ": " + f.nextInt()); + } + } else { + System.out.println("Name not found in the file."); + } + } +} \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/TCSS 143/Labs/Lab 4/Lab4c.java b/TCSS 143/Labs/Lab 4/Lab4c.java new file mode 100644 index 0000000..4a7dc79 --- /dev/null +++ b/TCSS 143/Labs/Lab 4/Lab4c.java @@ -0,0 +1,103 @@ +/* + Program Name: Lab4c.java + Programmer: Skylar Cowan + Date: 10/19/2016 + Purpose: To receive 10 different employee ID#s and their sales + amounts then to return the highest, lowest, average and to give + the ability to search for any specific ID. +*/ + +import java.util.Scanner; + +public class Lab4c { + public static void main(String[] args) { + Scanner input = new Scanner(System.in); + int[] ids = new int[10]; + double[] sales = new double[10]; + double avg; + int c = 1; + + do { + System.out.print("Enter ID for employee " + c + ": "); + ids[c-1] = input.nextInt(); + System.out.print("Enter sales amount: $"); + sales[c-1] = input.nextDouble(); + c++; + } while (c < 11); + System.out.println("ID\t\t\tSales"); + for (int i = 0; i < ids.length; i++) { + System.out.println(ids[i] + "\t\t" + sales[i]); + } + highestSales(ids, sales); + lowestSales(ids, sales); + avg = averageSales(sales); + System.out.println("Employees with below average sales: "); + for (int i = 0; i < ids.length; i++) { + if (sales[i] < avg) { + System.out.print(ids[i] + " "); + } + } + System.out.println(); + System.out.println("Employees with above average sales: "); + for (int i = 0; i < ids.length; i++) { + if (sales[i] > avg) { + System.out.print(ids[i] + " "); + } + } + System.out.println(); + System.out.print("Enter an ID to search for employee records: "); + int sID = input.nextInt(); + searchID(ids, sales, sID); + } + + public static void highestSales(int[] ids, double[] sales) { + double highest = sales[0]; + int employee = 0; + for (int i = 1; i < sales.length; i++) { + if (sales[i] > highest) { + highest = sales[i]; + employee = i; + } + } + System.out.println("Highest sales person ID#: " + ids[employee] + " with sales of $" + sales[employee]); + } + + public static void lowestSales(int[] ids, double[] sales) { + double lowest = sales[0]; + int employee = 0; + for (int i = 1; i < sales.length; i++) { + if (sales[i] < lowest) { + lowest = sales[i]; + employee = i; + } + } + System.out.println("Lowest sales person ID#: " + ids[employee] + " with sales of $" + sales[employee]); + } + + public static double averageSales(double[] sales) { + double avg = 0; + double sum = 0; + for (int i = 0; i < sales.length; i++) { + sum += sales[i]; + } + avg = sum / sales.length; + System.out.println("The average sales amount was: $" + avg); + return avg; + } + + public static void searchID(int[] ids, double[] sales, int id) { + int loc = -1; + for (int i = 0; i < ids.length; i++) { + if (ids[i] == id) { + loc = i; + break; + } + } + if (loc == -1) { + System.out.println("The targetted ID you were searching for could not be found."); + } else { + System.out.println("Employee ID: " + ids[loc]); + System.out.println("Employee sales: $" + sales[loc]); + } + } +} \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/TCSS 143/Labs/Lab 4/Lab4d.java b/TCSS 143/Labs/Lab 4/Lab4d.java new file mode 100644 index 0000000..50f42e0 --- /dev/null +++ b/TCSS 143/Labs/Lab 4/Lab4d.java @@ -0,0 +1,103 @@ +/* + Program Name: Lab4d.java + Programmer: Skylar Cowan + Date: 10/19/2016 + Purpose: To accept user input for a 3x3 integer array which will + then be tested to see if the numbers entered create a magic + square or not. +*/ + +import java.util.*; + +public class Lab4d { + public static void main(String[] args) { + // Test magic square {{2,7,6}, {9,5,1}, {4,3,8}}; + int[][] square = new int[3][3]; + int num; + + Scanner input = new Scanner(System.in); + System.out.println("Enter 9 numbers with a value of 1 to 9:"); + for (int r = 0; r < square.length; r++) { + for (int c = 0; c < square[r].length; c++) { + System.out.print("(r" + (r+1) + ",c" + (c+1) + "): "); + num = validate(input, input.nextInt()); + square[r][c] = num; + } + } + + System.out.println("Is it a magic square? " + magicSquare(square)); + } + + public static boolean magicSquare(int[][] matrix) { + int sum = 0; + + // Compute potential sum + for (int i = 0; i < matrix[0].length; i++) { + sum = sum + matrix[0][i]; + } + + // Check that all rows are equal to sum + for (int i = 1; i < matrix.length; i++) { + if (!checkRow(matrix, i, sum)) { + return false; + } + } + + // Check that all columns are equal to sum + for (int i = 0; i < matrix.length; i++) { + if (!checkCol(matrix, i, sum)) { + return false; + } + } + + // Check diagonals equal to sum + if (!checkDiagonals(matrix, sum)) { + return false; + } + + return true; + } + + private static boolean checkRow(int[][] matrix, int r, int sum) { + int s = 0; + for (int i = 0; i < matrix[r].length; i++) { + s = s + matrix[r][i]; + } + + return s == sum; + } + + private static boolean checkCol(int[][] matrix, int c, int sum) { + int s = 0; + for (int i = 0; i < matrix.length; i++) { + s = s + matrix[i][c]; + } + + return s == sum; + } + + private static boolean checkDiagonals(int[][] matrix, int sum) { + int s1 = 0; + int s2 = 0; + for (int i = 0; i < matrix.length; i++) { + s1 = s1 + matrix[i][i]; + s2 = s2 + matrix[i][matrix.length-i-1]; + } + + return (s1 == sum) && (s2 == sum); + } + + private static int validate(Scanner input, int n) { + int num = n; + do { + if (!(num <= 9 && num >= 1)) { + System.out.println("Number is not valid! Enter another number 1-9:"); + num = input.nextInt(); + } else { + return num; + } + } while (num < 1 || num > 9); + + return num; + } +} \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/TCSS 143/Labs/Lab 4/TestAuthor.java b/TCSS 143/Labs/Lab 4/TestAuthor.java new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d421474 --- /dev/null +++ b/TCSS 143/Labs/Lab 4/TestAuthor.java @@ -0,0 +1,16 @@ +/* + Program Name: TestAuthor.java + Programmer: Skylar Cowan + Date: 10/19/2016 + Purpose: To create a new Author object and pass it some values + then to change the email string and print out the new object +*/ + +public class TestAuthor { + public static void main(String[] args) { + Author anAuthor = new Author("Tan Ah Teck", "ahTeck@somewhere.com", 'm'); + System.out.println(anAuthor); + anAuthor.setEmail("paul@nowhere.com"); + System.out.println(anAuthor); + } +} \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/TCSS 143/Labs/Lab 4/population.txt b/TCSS 143/Labs/Lab 4/population.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..ef5b347 --- /dev/null +++ b/TCSS 143/Labs/Lab 4/population.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +Sally 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 886 +Sam 58 69 99 131 168 236 278 380 467 408 456 +Samantha 0 0 0 0 0 0 272 107 26 5 7 +Samir 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 920 0 798