jokes.py

import json
import random


def getJoke():
    jokes = "[\"Knock-knock.  -A race condition. Who is there?\",\"What does C.S. Lewis keep at the back of his wardrobe?  -Narnia business!\",\"What do you call an alligator in a vest?  -An in-vest-igator!\",\"What's black and white and read all over?  -The newspaper.\",\"What's Forrest Gump's password?  -1Forrest1\",\"Why does a Moon-rock taste better than an Earth-rock?  -Because it's a little meteor.\",\"How come a man driving a train got struck by lightning?  -He was a good conductor.\",\"How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?  -None that's a hardware problem\",\"What’s E.T. short for?  -He’s only got little legs.\",\"Bad at golf?  -Join the club.\",\"How do you check if a webpage is HTML5?  -Try it out on Internet Explorer\",\"How many apples grow on a tree?  -All of them!\",\"Why did the house go to the doctor?  -It was having window panes.\",\"What do you call a laughing motorcycle?  -A Yamahahahaha.\",\"Why can't a bicycle stand on its own?  -It's two-tired.\",\"Why do birds fly south for the winter?  -Because it's too far to walk.\",\"What is the leading cause of dry skin?  -Towels\",\"What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?  -It gets toad away\",\"Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road?  -To go with the traffic jam.\",\"To understand what recursion is...  -You must first understand what recursion is\",\"What did the ocean say to the shore?  -Nothing, it just waved.\",\"Did you hear that David lost his ID in prague?  -Now we just have to call him Dav.\",\"When do doctors get angry?  -When they run out of patients.\",\"What did the 0 say to the 8?  -Nice belt.\",\"Why do bears have hairy coats?  -Fur protection.\",\"What do you call someone with no nose?  -Nobody knows.\",\"Knock knock. \\n Who's there? \\n Hatch. \\n Hatch who?  -Bless you!\",\"What has ears but cannot hear?  -A field of corn.\",\"Why did the butcher work extra hours at the shop?  -To make ends meat.\",\"Did you hear the one about the guy with the broken hearing aid?  -Neither did he.\",\"What's the object-oriented way to become wealthy?  -Inheritance\",\"How do you get two whales in a car?  -Start in England and drive West.\",\"Why did the kid cross the playground?  -To get to the other slide.\",\"What's the worst part about being a cross-eyed teacher?  -They can't control their pupils.\",\"What do you call a dad that has fallen through the ice?  -A Popsicle.\",\"Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color?  -They had a reptile dysfunction.\",\"What do birds give out on Halloween?  -Tweets.\",\"Well...  -That’s a deep subject.\",\"If you see a robbery at an Apple Store...  -Does that make you an iWitness?\",\"What kind of dog lives in a particle accelerator?  -A Fermilabrador Retriever.\",\"What do vegetarian zombies eat?  -Grrrrrainnnnnssss.\",\"Why are oranges the smartest fruit?  -Because they are made to concentrate. \",\"Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?  -The p is silent.\",\"Is there a hole in your shoe?  -No… Then how’d you get your foot in it?\",\"What do I look like?  -A JOKE MACHINE!?\",\"What does a pirate pay for his corn?  -A buccaneer!\",\"What’s 50 Cent’s name in Zimbabwe?  -200 Dollars.\",\"What did the traffic light say to the car as it passed?  -Don't look I'm changing!\",\"How many seconds are in a year?  -12. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, April 2nd.... etc\",\"Why do bees hum?  -Because they don't know the words.\",\"What is a centipedes's favorite Beatle song?  - I want to hold your hand, hand, hand, hand...\",\"Did you know crocodiles could grow up to 15 feet?  -But most just have 4.\",\"I couldn't get a reservation at the library...  -They were fully booked.\",\"Did you hear about the two silk worms in a race?  -It ended in a tie.\",\"I dropped a pear in my car this morning.  -You should drop another one, then you would have a pair.\",\"Why did the barber win the race?  -He took a short cut.\",\"Why are graveyards so noisy?  -Because of all the coffin.\",\"Why are mummys scared of vacation?  -They're afraid to unwind.\",\"Why did the tomato blush?  -Because it saw the salad dressing.\",\"What did one snowman say to the other snow man?  -Do you smell carrot?\",\"Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water?  -He had a very esteemed colleague.\",\"What kind of bagel can fly?  -A plain bagel.\",\"What did the grape do when he got stepped on?  -He let out a little wine.\",\"What do you do when you see a space man?  -Park your car, man.\",\"Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?  -Of course. The Empire State Building can't jump.\",\"Where does Napoleon keep his armies?  -In his sleevies.\",\"The punchline often arrives before the set-up.  -Do you know the problem with UDP jokes?\",\"What did the mountain climber name his son?  -Cliff.\",\"What do you call sad coffee?  -Despresso.\",\"What do you call a pig with three eyes?  -Piiig\",\"Can February march?  -No, but April may.\",\"Lady: How do I spread love in this cruel world?  -Random Dude: [...💘]\",\"What is this movie about?  -It is about 2 hours long.\",\"How do you get a baby alien to sleep?  - You rocket.\",\"Why do trees seem suspicious on sunny days?  -Dunno, they're just a bit shady.\",\"What do you call a group of disorganized cats?  -A cat-tastrophe.\",\"Hey, dad, did you get a haircut?  -No, I got them all cut.\",\"['hip', 'hip']  -(hip hip array)\",\"What happens when you anger a brain surgeon?  -They will give you a piece of your mind.\",\"What do you call a sheep with no legs?  -A cloud.\",\"What do you call an old snowman?  -Water.\",\"What do you call a cow with no legs?  -Ground beef!\",\"What did Michael Jackson name his denim store?  -   Billy Jeans!\",\"Why did the A go to the bathroom and come out as an E?  -Because he had a vowel movement.\",\"What do you get hanging from Apple trees?  -Sore arms.\",\"How many bones are in the human hand?  -A handful of them.\",\"Did you hear about the cow who jumped over the barbed wire fence?  -It was udder destruction.\",\"What do you call two barracuda fish?  - A Pairacuda!\",\"A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, \\\"Wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can I get for you?\\\"  -Pop,goes the weasel.\",\"What’s brown and sounds like a bell?  -Dung!\",\"What do you call a fat psychic?  -A four-chin teller.\",\"What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant?  -About 5000 miles.\",\"Why did the half blind man fall in the well?  -Because he couldn't see that well!\",\"Why do pirates not know the alphabet?  -They always get stuck at \\\"C\\\".\",\"Did you know you should always take an extra pair of pants golfing?  -Just in case you get a hole in one.\",\"What was the pumpkin’s favorite sport?  -Squash.\",\"What do you give a sick lemon?  -Lemonaid.\",\"What do you call an eagle who can play the piano?  -Talonted!\",\"Why did Dracula lie in the wrong coffin?  -He made a grave mistake.\",\"Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane?  -They mostly wrap.\",\"Why didn't the number 4 get into the nightclub?  -Because he is 2 square.\",\"What do you call corn that joins the army?  -Kernel.\",\"What's the best thing about a Boolean?  -Even if you're wrong, you're only off by a bit.\",\"Why did the man put his money in the freezer?  -He wanted cold hard cash!\",\"Why did Sweden start painting barcodes on the sides of their battleships?  -So they could Scandinavian.\",\"Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?  -Because they're so good at it.\",\"Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?  -Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.\",\"Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?  -The hip Doctor!\",\"Two guys walk into a bar . . .  -The first guy says \\\"Ouch!\\\" and the second says \\\"Yeah, I didn't see it either.\\\"\",\"What do you call a bee that lives in America?  -A USB.\",\"How does a French skeleton say hello?  -Bone-jour.\",\"Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers?  -They say he made a mint.\",\"Why do crabs never give to charity?  -Because they’re shellfish.\",\"How does a dyslexic poet write?  -Inverse.\",\"What did celery say when he broke up with his girlfriend?  -She wasn't right for me, so I really don't carrot all.\",\"What do you get when you cross a chicken with a skunk?  -A fowl smell!\",\"Why do chicken coops only have two doors?  -Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans\",\"Why can't you use \\\"Beef stew\\\"as a password?  -Because it's not stroganoff.\",\"Why are fish so smart?  -Because they live in schools!\",\"How do you make holy water?  -You boil the hell out of it.\",\"What’s Forest Gump’s Facebook password?  -1forest1\",\"Did you hear about the hungry clock?  -It went back four seconds.\",\"What's the best part about TCP jokes?  -I get to keep telling them until you get them.\",\"Knock knock. \\n Who's there? \\n Little old lady. \\n Little old lady who?  -I didn't know you could yodel!\",\"Why didn’t the orange win the race?  -It ran out of juice.\",\"How do you organize an outer space party?  -You planet\",\"What time is it?  -I don't know... it keeps changing.\",\"Why do ducks make great detectives?  -They always quack the case.\",\"Why couldn't the kid see the pirate movie?  -Because it was rated arrr!\",\"What cheese can never be yours?  -Nacho cheese.\",\"Why did the programmer quit his job?  -Because he didn't get arrays.\",\"What did the left eye say to the right eye?  -Between us, something smells!\",\"Did you hear about the Mexican train killer?  -He had loco motives\",\"What's red and bad for your teeth?  -A Brick.\",\"Why does it take longer to get from 1st to 2nd base, than it does to get from 2nd to 3rd base?  -Because there’s a Shortstop in between!\",\"Where do sheep go to get their hair cut?  -The baa-baa shop.\",\"Why do Java programmers wear glasses?  -Because they don't C#\",\"What did the late tomato say to the early tomato?  -I’ll ketch up\",\"What do you call a nervous javelin thrower?  -Shakespeare.\",\"Did you hear about the bread factory burning down?  -They say the business is toast.\",\"I started a new business making yachts in my attic this year...  -The sails are going through the roof.\",\"Why do mathematicians hate the U.S.?  -Because it's indivisible.\",\"I saw a nice stereo on Craigslist for $1. Seller says the volume is stuck on ‘high’  -I couldn’t turn it down.\",\"What time did the man go to the dentist?  -Tooth hurt-y.\",\"A DHCP packet walks into a bar and asks for a beer.  -Bartender says, \\\"here, but I’ll need that back in an hour!\\\"\",\"What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?  -Frostbite.\",\"Why are fish easy to weigh?  -Because they have their own scales.\",\"What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?  -Aye Matey!\",\"Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight?  -Because it was well armed.\",\"What did Romans use to cut pizza before the rolling cutter was invented?  -Lil Caesars\",\"Why did the worker get fired from the orange juice factory?  -Lack of concentration.\",\"How many South Americans does it take to change a lightbulb?  -A Brazilian\"]"
    jokes = json.loads(jokes)
    return random.choice(jokes)