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Through Kavanaugh’s Tears","detectedLanguage":"en","latestVersion":"1058273cea9a","latestPublishedVersion":"1058273cea9a","hasUnpublishedEdits":true,"latestRev":84,"createdAt":1538167529621,"updatedAt":1538311918963,"acceptedAt":0,"firstPublishedAt":1538168004675,"latestPublishedAt":1538168547054,"vote":false,"experimentalCss":"","displayAuthor":"","content":{"subtitle":"Kavanaugh’s tearful testimony was familiar to those that have confronted abusers","bodyModel":{"paragraphs":[{"name":"4087","type":1,"text":"On Thursday, during Brett Kavanaugh’s testimony before the Senate Judiciary Committee, I was brought back a moment 16 and a half years ago, when I lay in bed, watching my boyfriend cry. Like Kavanaugh, my boyfriend had cried loudly and theatrically, offended that he had been accused of harming another person (in my boyfriend’s case, gaslighting me and convincing me I was worthless). Like Kavanaugh, my boyfriend had made sure his audience understood that he was a victim, one who deserved sympathy and appeasement in response to his transgression. And like Kavanaugh, my boyfriend used his tears to distract from his own bad behavior, rendering the act of calling him out and accusing him of abuse a crime on par with the abuses a credible witness alleged him to have committed.","markups":[{"type":2,"start":458,"end":460}],"hasDropCap":true},{"name":"9303","type":1,"text":"For survivors of abuse, watching a powerful person turn to tears when accused of wrongdoing is a familiar experience. Within abusive relationships, abusers often turn to these tactics; preying on their victims’ sympathies by offering themselves up as the true victim, performing extreme displays of emotion as a way of drawing a false equivalency between the experiences of the abuser and the abused. If I made you feel bad with emotional or physical violence, but you made me feel bad by telling me I caused you harm, then we both feel bad, and everyone is on the same page.","markups":[{"type":2,"start":255,"end":260}]},{"name":"7601","type":1,"text":"In 1997, academic Jennifer Freyd proposed the term DARVO (Deny the behavior, Attack the individual doing the confronting, and Reverse the roles of Victim and Offender) as an encapsulation of this dynamic of evasion and reversal, which, Freyd notes, is a particularly effective defensive strategy for perpetrators and abusers.","markups":[{"type":3,"start":51,"end":56,"href":"https://dynamic.uoregon.edu/jjf/defineDARVO.html","title":"","rel":"","anchorType":0}]},{"name":"a39f","type":1,"text":"DARVO can take many forms, including threats of lawsuits, attacks on an accuser’s credibility, and other forms of bullying, but tears are an especially potent version. And male tears hold a particularly persuasive power in our society, in part due to the extreme cultural prohibition on these displays of masculine vulnerability. A woman’s tears are unremarkably common, but a man who cries in public is breaking a major taboo — and to many, that willingness to violate a social norm is seen as proof that a man must, in fact, be suffering a genuine harm. If a man hadn’t suffered grievous injury, would he actually submit himself to the humiliation of crying like a weakling?","markups":[]},{"name":"ba6c","type":1,"text":"For Kavanaugh, that emotional play seems to have worked. President Trump, who’s made no secret of his distaste for crying men, applauded Kavanaugh’s testimony, tweeting that it “showed America exactly why I nominated him [and] was powerful, honest, and riveting.” It is hard to imagine a female display of emotion that would ever be given the same degree of weight — while crying men may be able to position themselves as overcome with emotion in the face of a great offense, women who are similarly affected are dismissed as weak, emotional, or just women being women.","markups":[{"type":3,"start":98,"end":125,"href":"http://www.sandiegouniontribune.com/news/us-politics/ny-news-trump-kavanaugh-crying-20180927-story.html","title":"","rel":"","anchorType":0},{"type":3,"start":160,"end":168,"href":"https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/1045444544068812800","title":"","rel":"","anchorType":0}]},{"name":"d247","type":1,"text":"When Kavanaugh spoke before the committee, we saw this dynamic at work. After Dr. Blasey Ford’s restrained, apologetic testimony, during which she attempted to ingratiate herself with the committee and accommodate their needs, Kavanaugh took the stand in a blaze of fury, spending his hours of testimony bloviating, lashing out at senators, and, frequently, crying over his own misfortune. He cried when acknowledging Blasey Ford’s trauma, telling the panel about how his family had no ill will towards her and how his daughters had prayed for Blasey Ford’s wellbeing. He cried while describing the damage done to his personal and professional reputation, declaring that after these allegations, he’d never be able to coach girls’ basketball again. He even cried while talking about his father’s dedication to staying organized and keeping a calendar system — a display of emotion that may have suggested his father had passed away when he is very much alive and was even in the room for his hearing.","markups":[]},{"name":"f4b7","type":1,"text":"Although Kavanaugh opened his remarks by gesturing towards sympathy to Dr. Blasey Ford, noting that she’d probably been raped by someone, somewhere, at some time, the bulk of his testimony was devoted to outlining the degree to which he was the true victim. It was wrong for us to expect a full accounting of his days as a hard-partying prep school boy, or to ask for other witnesses to back up his account. It was wrong for us to ask about drinking, or to suggest that he ask the White House to order an investigation into the multiple credible allegations of assault that had been levied against him. To merely accuse him of being less than fit for a permanent position on the highest court in the land was a grievous offense — one, apparently, that required him to be afforded the same degree of sympathy as Blasey Ford.","markups":[]},{"name":"bb8b","type":1,"text":"The night my boyfriend cried, I forgave him, reasoning that his tears clearly demonstrated, if not innocence, then certainly regret and a commitment to doing better by me going forward. Kavanaugh’s display seems to have had a similar effect on the Republican members of the Senate Judiciary Committee. By the end of his questioning, it was clear that Kavanaugh’s tears had accomplished his goal: Senators spoke of their sympathy for him alongside their sympathy for Blasey Ford, making clear that they saw the experience of being accused of attempted rape as equivalent to — if not even more violent than — the experience of being the victim of the attempted rape itself. Even as Jeff Flake asked for an FBI investigation into the allegations and a delay in the Senate’s vote on Kavanaugh, he still voted to move the nominee out of committee, buying Kavanaugh more time to make his case.","markups":[]},{"name":"72a5","type":1,"text":"And securing more time is often the goal of these tear-filled tactics. After I forgave my boyfriend, it took two more years for me to extricate myself from that relationship, to realize that his tears, his outbursts, were all just a performance meant to distract me from the truth of his behavior, to distract me from the fact that he was, not merely my boyfriend, but also my abuser.","markups":[]},{"name":"5e12","type":1,"text":"Kavanaugh’s tears may have helped secure him a lifetime appointment to the Supreme Court of the United States of America. It’s a position from which he will have the power to control the lives of millions of women, the power to protect them from, or expose them to, harm. We can only hope that Kavanaugh will be as sympathetic to their pleas as the Republican wing of the Senate Judiciary were to his.","markups":[]}],"sections":[{"name":"c44f","startIndex":0}]},"postDisplay":{"coverless":true},"metaDescription":"On Thursday, during Brett Kavanaugh’s testimony before the Senate Judiciary Committee, I was brought back a moment 16 and a half years ago, when I lay in bed, watching my boyfriend cry. Like…"},"virtuals":{"allowNotes":true,"previewImage":{"imageId":"1*Hc-kg01Xs78FNcH4n7C28g.jpeg","filter":"","backgroundSize":"","originalWidth":6000,"originalHeight":4000,"strategy":"resample","height":0,"width":0},"wordCount":1096,"imageCount":0,"readingTime":4.1358490566037736,"subtitle":"Kavanaugh’s tearful testimony was familiar to those that have confronted abusers","usersBySocialRecommends":[],"noIndex":false,"recommends":445,"isBookmarked":false,"tags":[{"slug":"politics","name":"Politics","postCount":251660,"metadata":{"postCount":251660,"coverImage":{"id":"1*jD5UgtVZ5u1nomTTo-LzQg.jpeg"}},"type":"Tag"},{"slug":"supreme-court","name":"Supreme Court","postCount":4841,"metadata":{"postCount":4841,"coverImage":{"id":"1*4SAuHOyeILu5YlALwu-66A.jpeg","originalWidth":5954,"originalHeight":3969,"isFeatured":true}},"type":"Tag"},{"slug":"equality","name":"Equality","postCount":6932,"metadata":{"postCount":6932,"coverImage":{"id":"1*4SAuHOyeILu5YlALwu-66A.jpeg","originalWidth":5954,"originalHeight":3969,"isFeatured":true}},"type":"Tag"},{"slug":"abuse","name":"Abuse","postCount":5057,"metadata":{"postCount":5057,"coverImage":{"id":"1*Hc-kg01Xs78FNcH4n7C28g.jpeg","originalWidth":6000,"originalHeight":4000,"isFeatured":true}},"type":"Tag"},{"slug":"brett-kavanaugh","name":"Brett Kavanaugh","postCount":215,"metadata":{"postCount":215,"coverImage":{"id":"1*8FGsHHpV1ckNcvj2mThRhQ.jpeg","originalWidth":3000,"originalHeight":2000,"isFeatured":true,"focusPercentX":51,"focusPercentY":50}},"type":"Tag"}],"socialRecommendsCount":0,"responsesCreatedCount":19,"links":{"entries":[{"url":"https://dynamic.uoregon.edu/jjf/defineDARVO.html","alts":[],"httpStatus":200},{"url":"http://www.sandiegouniontribune.com/news/us-politics/ny-news-trump-kavanaugh-crying-20180927-story.html","alts":[{"type":1,"url":"https://cdn.ampproject.org/c/www.sandiegouniontribune.com/news/us-politics/ny-news-trump-kavanaugh-crying-20180927-story,amp.html"}],"httpStatus":200},{"url":"https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/1045444544068812800","alts":[{"type":2,"url":"twitter://status?id=1045444544068812800"},{"type":3,"url":"twitter://status?status_id=1045444544068812800"}],"httpStatus":200}],"version":"0.3","generatedAt":1538169443586},"isLockedPreviewOnly":false,"takeoverId":"","metaDescription":"On Thursday, during Brett Kavanaugh’s testimony before the Senate Judiciary Committee, I was brought back a moment 16 and a half years ago, when I lay in bed, watching my boyfriend cry. Like…","totalClapCount":4854,"sectionCount":1,"readingList":0,"topics":[{"topicId":"830cded25262","slug":"relationships","createdAt":1493930382734,"deletedAt":0,"image":{"id":"1*0eAtVrEhCCpk5ToQcftnHA@2x.jpeg","originalWidth":4752,"originalHeight":3168},"name":"Relationships","description":"Love and other drugs.","briefCatalogId":"2139350937c","relatedTopics":[],"visibility":1,"relatedTags":[],"type":"Topic"},{"topicId":"bdc2b14a49ce","slug":"women","createdAt":1525381653982,"deletedAt":0,"image":{"id":"1*7LH_Od7TFfvRRN71P2q4Zw@2x.jpeg","originalWidth":5157,"originalHeight":3438},"name":"Women","description":"Who run the world.","briefCatalogId":"","relatedTopics":[],"visibility":1,"relatedTags":[],"type":"Topic"},{"topicId":"f33a255e5733","slug":"justice","createdAt":1537990389368,"deletedAt":0,"image":{"id":"1*JzBJkpfyvUmq2LgWsjdY3Q@2x.jpeg","originalWidth":3600,"originalHeight":2000},"name":"Justice","description":"The court is now in session.","briefCatalogId":"","relatedTopics":[],"visibility":1,"relatedTags":[],"type":"Topic"},{"topicId":"ff18cfb862d2","slug":"equality","createdAt":1493933978585,"deletedAt":0,"image":{"id":"1*cgtXwRk3ZoNGcQdc7hwF6g@2x.jpeg","originalWidth":5000,"originalHeight":3285},"name":"Equality","description":"Typing truth to power.","briefCatalogId":"75bbdf73cc5a","relatedTopics":[],"visibility":1,"relatedTags":[],"type":"Topic"}]},"coverless":true,"slug":"seeing-through-kavanaughs-tears","translationSourcePostId":"","translationSourceCreatorId":"","isApprovedTranslation":false,"inResponseToPostId":"","inResponseToRemovedAt":0,"isTitleSynthesized":false,"allowResponses":true,"importedUrl":"","importedPublishedAt":0,"visibility":2,"uniqueSlug":"seeing-through-kavanaughs-tears-f34e199b199b","previewContent":{"bodyModel":{"paragraphs":[{"name":"previewImage","type":4,"text":"","layout":10,"metadata":{"id":"1*Hc-kg01Xs78FNcH4n7C28g.jpeg","originalWidth":6000,"originalHeight":4000,"isFeatured":true}},{"name":"previewTitle","type":3,"text":"Seeing Through Kavanaugh’s Tears","alignment":1},{"name":"previewSubtitle","type":13,"text":"Kavanaugh’s tearful testimony was familiar to those that have…","alignment":1}],"sections":[{"startIndex":0}]},"isFullContent":false,"subtitle":"Kavanaugh’s tearful testimony was familiar to those that have confronted abusers"},"license":0,"inResponseToMediaResourceId":"","canonicalUrl":"","approvedHomeCollectionId":"","newsletterId":"","webCanonicalUrl":"","mediumUrl":"","migrationId":"","notifyFollowers":true,"notifyTwitter":false,"isSponsored":false,"isRequestToPubDisabled":false,"notifyFacebook":false,"responseHiddenOnParentPostAt":0,"isSeries":false,"isSubscriptionLocked":true,"seriesLastAppendedAt":0,"audioVersionDurationSec":0,"sequenceId":"22d8a41cf89a","isNsfw":false,"isEligibleForRevenue":false,"isBlockedFromHightower":false,"deletedAt":0,"lockedPostSource":2,"hightowerMinimumGuaranteeStartsAt":0,"hightowerMinimumGuaranteeEndsAt":0,"featureLockRequestAcceptedAt":0,"featureLockRequestMinimumGuaranteeAmount":0,"isElevate":true,"mongerRequestType":1,"layerCake":1,"socialTitle":"","socialDek":"","editorialPreviewTitle":"","editorialPreviewDek":"","curationEligibleAt":0,"type":"Post"},"postLayout":{"html":"\x3csection name=\"c44f\" class=\"section section--body section--first section--last\"\x3e\x3cdiv class=\"section-divider\"\x3e\x3chr class=\"section-divider\"\x3e\x3c/div\x3e\x3cdiv class=\"section-content\"\x3e\x3cdiv class=\"section-inner sectionLayout--insetColumn\"\x3e\x3cp name=\"4087\" id=\"4087\" class=\"graf graf--p graf--hasDropCapModel graf--hasDropCap graf--leading\"\x3e\x3cspan class=\"graf-dropCap\"\x3eOn\x3c/span\x3e Thursday, during Brett Kavanaugh’s testimony before the Senate Judiciary Committee, I was brought back a moment 16 and a half years ago, when I lay in bed, watching my boyfriend cry. Like Kavanaugh, my boyfriend had cried loudly and theatrically, offended that he had been accused of harming another person (in my boyfriend’s case, gaslighting me and convincing me I was worthless). Like Kavanaugh, my boyfriend had made sure his audience understood that \x3cem class=\"markup--em markup--p-em\"\x3ehe\x3c/em\x3e was a victim, one who deserved sympathy and appeasement in response to his transgression. And like Kavanaugh, my boyfriend used his tears to distract from his own bad behavior, rendering the act of calling him out and accusing him of abuse a crime on par with the abuses a credible witness alleged him to have committed.\x3c/p\x3e\x3cp name=\"9303\" id=\"9303\" class=\"graf graf--p graf-after--p\"\x3eFor survivors of abuse, watching a powerful person turn to tears when accused of wrongdoing is a familiar experience. Within abusive relationships, abusers often turn to these tactics; preying on their victims’ sympathies by offering themselves up as the \x3cem class=\"markup--em markup--p-em\"\x3etrue \x3c/em\x3evictim, performing extreme displays of emotion as a way of drawing a false equivalency between the experiences of the abuser and the abused. If I made you feel bad with emotional or physical violence, but you made me feel bad by telling me I caused you harm, then we both feel bad, and everyone is on the same page.\x3c/p\x3e\x3cp name=\"7601\" id=\"7601\" class=\"graf graf--p graf-after--p\"\x3eIn 1997, academic Jennifer Freyd proposed the term \x3ca href=\"https://dynamic.uoregon.edu/jjf/defineDARVO.html\" data-href=\"https://dynamic.uoregon.edu/jjf/defineDARVO.html\" class=\"markup--anchor markup--p-anchor\" rel=\"nofollow noopener\" target=\"_blank\"\x3eDARVO\x3c/a\x3e (Deny the behavior, Attack the individual doing the confronting, and Reverse the roles of Victim and Offender) as an encapsulation of this dynamic of evasion and reversal, which, Freyd notes, is a particularly effective defensive strategy for perpetrators and abusers.\x3c/p\x3e\x3cp name=\"a39f\" id=\"a39f\" class=\"graf graf--p graf-after--p\"\x3eDARVO can take many forms, including threats of lawsuits, attacks on an accuser’s credibility, and other forms of bullying, but tears are an especially potent version. And male tears hold a particularly persuasive power in our society, in part due to the extreme cultural prohibition on these displays of masculine vulnerability. A woman’s tears are unremarkably common, but a man who cries in public is breaking a major taboo — and to many, that willingness to violate a social norm is seen as proof that a man must, in fact, be suffering a genuine harm. If a man hadn’t suffered grievous injury, would he actually submit himself to the humiliation of crying like a weakling?\x3c/p\x3e\x3cp name=\"ba6c\" id=\"ba6c\" class=\"graf graf--p graf-after--p\"\x3eFor Kavanaugh, that emotional play seems to have worked. President Trump, who’s made no secret of \x3ca href=\"http://www.sandiegouniontribune.com/news/us-politics/ny-news-trump-kavanaugh-crying-20180927-story.html\" data-href=\"http://www.sandiegouniontribune.com/news/us-politics/ny-news-trump-kavanaugh-crying-20180927-story.html\" class=\"markup--anchor markup--p-anchor\" rel=\"nofollow noopener\" target=\"_blank\"\x3ehis distaste for crying men\x3c/a\x3e, applauded Kavanaugh’s testimony, \x3ca href=\"https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/1045444544068812800\" data-href=\"https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/1045444544068812800\" class=\"markup--anchor markup--p-anchor\" rel=\"nofollow noopener\" target=\"_blank\"\x3etweeting\x3c/a\x3e that it “showed America exactly why I nominated him [and] was powerful, honest, and riveting.” It is hard to imagine a female display of emotion that would ever be given the same degree of weight — while crying men may be able to position themselves as overcome with emotion in the face of a great offense, women who are similarly affected are dismissed as weak, emotional, or just women being women.\x3c/p\x3e\x3cp name=\"d247\" id=\"d247\" class=\"graf graf--p graf-after--p\"\x3eWhen Kavanaugh spoke before the committee, we saw this dynamic at work. After Dr. Blasey Ford’s restrained, apologetic testimony, during which she attempted to ingratiate herself with the committee and accommodate their needs, Kavanaugh took the stand in a blaze of fury, spending his hours of testimony bloviating, lashing out at senators, and, frequently, crying over his own misfortune. He cried when acknowledging Blasey Ford’s trauma, telling the panel about how his family had no ill will towards her and how his daughters had prayed for Blasey Ford’s wellbeing. He cried while describing the damage done to his personal and professional reputation, declaring that after these allegations, he’d never be able to coach girls’ basketball again. He even cried while talking about his father’s dedication to staying organized and keeping a calendar system — a display of emotion that may have suggested his father had passed away when he is very much alive and was even in the room for his hearing.\x3c/p\x3e\x3cp name=\"f4b7\" id=\"f4b7\" class=\"graf graf--p graf-after--p\"\x3eAlthough Kavanaugh opened his remarks by gesturing towards sympathy to Dr. Blasey Ford, noting that she’d probably been raped by someone, somewhere, at some time, the bulk of his testimony was devoted to outlining the degree to which he was the true victim. It was wrong for us to expect a full accounting of his days as a hard-partying prep school boy, or to ask for other witnesses to back up his account. It was wrong for us to ask about drinking, or to suggest that he ask the White House to order an investigation into the multiple credible allegations of assault that had been levied against him. To merely accuse him of being less than fit for a permanent position on the highest court in the land was a grievous offense — one, apparently, that required him to be afforded the same degree of sympathy as Blasey Ford.\x3c/p\x3e\x3cp name=\"bb8b\" id=\"bb8b\" class=\"graf graf--p graf-after--p\"\x3eThe night my boyfriend cried, I forgave him, reasoning that his tears clearly demonstrated, if not innocence, then certainly regret and a commitment to doing better by me going forward. Kavanaugh’s display seems to have had a similar effect on the Republican members of the Senate Judiciary Committee. By the end of his questioning, it was clear that Kavanaugh’s tears had accomplished his goal: Senators spoke of their sympathy for him alongside their sympathy for Blasey Ford, making clear that they saw the experience of being accused of attempted rape as equivalent to — if not even more violent than — the experience of being the victim of the attempted rape itself. Even as Jeff Flake asked for an FBI investigation into the allegations and a delay in the Senate’s vote on Kavanaugh, he still voted to move the nominee out of committee, buying Kavanaugh more time to make his case.\x3c/p\x3e\x3cp name=\"72a5\" id=\"72a5\" class=\"graf graf--p graf-after--p\"\x3eAnd securing more time is often the goal of these tear-filled tactics. After I forgave my boyfriend, it took two more years for me to extricate myself from that relationship, to realize that his tears, his outbursts, were all just a performance meant to distract me from the truth of his behavior, to distract me from the fact that he was, not merely my boyfriend, but also my abuser.\x3c/p\x3e\x3cp name=\"5e12\" id=\"5e12\" class=\"graf graf--p graf-after--p graf--trailing\"\x3eKavanaugh’s tears may have helped secure him a lifetime appointment to the Supreme Court of the United States of America. It’s a position from which he will have the power to control the lives of millions of women, the power to protect them from, or expose them to, harm. We can only hope that Kavanaugh will be as sympathetic to their pleas as the Republican wing of the Senate Judiciary were to his.\x3c/p\x3e\x3c/div\x3e\x3c/div\x3e\x3c/section\x3e"},"socialTitle":null,"socialDek":null,"elevateCoverInfo":{"title":{"name":"39b5","type":3,"text":"Seeing Through Kavanaugh’s Tears","markups":[]},"subtitle":{"name":"ee1a","type":13,"text":"Kavanaugh’s tearful testimony was familiar to those that have confronted abusers","markups":[]},"featuredImage":{"name":"f42b","type":1,"text":"Photo: Pool/Getty","markups":[],"layout":1,"metadata":{"id":"1*Hc-kg01Xs78FNcH4n7C28g.jpeg","originalWidth":6000,"originalHeight":4000,"isFeatured":true}}}})
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