roasts.txt

My phone battery lasts longer than your relationships.
Oh you're talking to me, I thought you only talked behind my back.
My name must taste good because it's always in your mouth. 
Don't you get tired of putting make up on two faces every morning?
Too bad you can't count jumping to conclusions and running your mouth as exercise. 
Is your drama going to an intermission soon?
I'm an acquired taste. If you don't like me, acquire some taste. 
If I wanted a bitch, I would have bought a dog.
My business is my business. Unless you're a thong, get out of my ass. 
It's a shame you can't Photoshop your personality.
I don't sugarcoat shit. I'm not Willy Wonka.
Acting like a prick doesn't make yours grow bigger.
The smartest thing that ever came out of your mouth was a penis. 
Calm down. Take a deep breath and then hold it for about twenty minutes.
Jealousy is a disease. Get well soon, bitch! 
When karma comes back to punch you in the face, I want to be there in case it needs help.
You have more faces than Mount Rushmore.
Sorry, sarcasm falls out of my mouth like bullshit falls out of yours.
Don't mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud. 
Yes, I am a bitch, just not yours.
I'm sorry you got offended that one time you were treated the way you treat everyone all the time. 
You should wear a condom on your head. If you're going to be a dick, you might as well dress like one. 
Maybe you should eat make-up so you'll be pretty on the inside too. 
Being a bitch is a tough job but someone has to do it. 
My middle finger gets a boner every time I see you. 
You're entitled to your incorrect opinion.
You're so real. A real ass.
Whoever told you to be yourself gave you really bad advice.
If I had a face like yours I'd sue my parents.
Where's your off button?
I didn't change. I grew up. You should try it sometime.
I thought I had the flu, but then I realized your face makes me sick to my stomach.
The people who know me the least have the most to say.
I'm jealous of people who don't know you.
I'm sorry that my brutal honesty inconvenienced your ego.
You sound reasonable. Time to up my medication.
Aww, it's so cute when you try to talk about things you don't understand.
Is there an app I can download to make you disappear?
I'm sorry, you seem to have mistaken me with a woman who will take your shit.
I'm visualizing duck tape over your mouth.
90% of your beauty could be removed with a Kleenex.
I suggest you do a little soul searching. You might just find one.
Some people should use a glue stick instead of chapstick.
My hair straightener is hotter than you.
I have heels higher than your standards.
I'd smack you, but that would be animal abuse.
Why is it acceptable for you to be an idiot but not for me to point it out?
If you're offended by my opinion, you should hear the ones I keep to myself. 
If you're going to be a smart ass, first you have to be smart, otherwise you're just an ass.
Your face is fine but you will have to put a bag over that personality.
Hey, I found your nose, it's in my business again!
I'm not an astronomer but I am pretty sure the earth revolves around the sun and not you.
I might be crazy, but crazy is better than stupid. 
It's scary to think people like you are allowed to vote. 
Keep rolling your eyes. Maybe you'll find your brain back there.
No, no. I am listening. It just takes me a moment to process so much stupid information all at once.
I'm sorry, what language are you speaking? It sounds like bullshit. 
Everyone brings happiness to a room. I do when I enter, you do when you leave.
I keep thinking you can't get any dumber and you keep proving me wrong. 
I'm not shy. I just don't like you.
Your crazy is showing. You might want to tuck it back in.
I am allergic to stupidity, so I break out in sarcasm.
You're like a plunger. You like to bring up old shit. 
I am not ignoring you. I am simply giving you time to reflect on what an idiot you are being.
I hide behind sarcasm because telling you to go fuck yourself is rude in most social situations.
You're the reason I prefer animals to people. 
You're not pretty enough to have such an ugly personality. 
Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom manufacturer
I'd explain it to you but I left my English-to-Dumbass Dictionary at home.
You don't like me, then fuck off. Problem solved.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
You're a gray sprinkle on a rainbow cupcake.
If your brain was dynamite, there wouldn't be enough to blow your hat off.
You are more disappointing than an unsalted pretzel.
Light travels faster than sound, which is why you seemed bright until you spoke.
We were happily married for one month, but unfortunately, we've been married for 10 years.
Your kid is so annoying he makes his Happy Meal cry.
You have so many gaps in your teeth it looks like your tongue is in jail.
Your secrets are always safe with me. I never even listen when you tell me them.
I'll never forget the first time we met. But I'll keep trying.
I forgot the world revolves around you. My apologies! How silly of me.
I only take you everywhere I go just so I don't have to kiss you goodbye.
Hold still. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
Our kid must have gotten his brain from you! I still have mine.
Your face makes onions cry.
The only way my husband would ever get hurt during an activity is if the TV exploded.
You look so pretty. Not at all gross today.
It's impossible to underestimate you.
best comebacks, good roasts: two women are laughing over a beer
Pexels
Her teeth were so bad she could eat an apple through a fence.
I'm not insulting you; I'm describing you.
I'm not a nerd; I'm just smarter than you.
Don't be ashamed of who you are. That's your parents' job.
Your face is just fine, but we'll have to put a bag over that personality.
You bring everyone so much joy' when you leave the room.
I thought of you today. It reminded me to take out the trash.
Don't worry about me. Worry about your eyebrows.
You are the human version of period cramps.
If you're going to be two-faced, at least make one of them pretty.
You are like a cloud. When you disappear, it's a beautiful day.
I'd rather treat my baby's diaper rash than have lunch with you.
Don't worry , the first 40 years of childhood are always the hardest.
I may love to shop, but I will never buy your bull.
I love what you've done with your hair. How do you get it to come out of your nostrils like that?
OH MY GOD! IT SPEAKS!
Child, I've forgotten more than you ever knew.
You just might be why the middle finger was invented in the first place.
Someday you'll go far, and I really hope you stay there.
Oh, I'm sorry. Did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?
You bring everyone so much joy! You know, when you leave the room. But, still.
Oops, my bad. I could've sworn I was dealing with an adult.
Did I invite you to the barbecue? Then why are you all up in my grill?
I'm an acquired taste. If you don't like me, acquire some taste.
Somewhere out there is a tree tirelessly producing oxygen for you. You owe it an apology.
Yeah? Well, you smell like hot dog water.
That sounds like a you problem.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
Oh, you don't like being treated the way you treat me? That must suck.
Well, the jerk store called. They're running out of you.
Sorry, not sorry.
I'm busy right now; can I ignore you another time?
If you have a problem with me, write the problem on a piece of paper, fold it, and shove it up your ass.
You have an entire life to be an idiot. Why not take today off?
No matter how much a snake sheds its skin, it's still a snake.
Some people are like slinkies , not really good for much, but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.
You're the reason this country has to put directions on shampoo.
Of course I'm talking like an idiot, how else could you understand me?
Are you almost done with all of this drama? Because I need an intermission.
I'd give you a nasty look, but you've already got one.
If I wanted to hear from an asshole, I'd fart.
Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
Your family tree must be a cactus because everybody on it is a prick.
Wow, I bet you even fart glitter!
I guess if you actually ever spoke your mind, you'd really be speechless.
Since you know it all, you should know when to shut up.
Life is full of disappointments, and I just added you to the list.
I treasure the time I don't spend with you.
I was going to make a joke about your life, but I see life beat me to the punch.
The last time I saw something like you, I flushed.
The only work-life balance I want is being away from you.
When you start talking, I stop listening.
Feed your own ego. I'm busy.
You look like something that came out of a slow cooker.
If laughter is the best medicine, your face must be curing the world.
I think I've seen you before, but I'm pretty sure I had to pay admission last time.