dril-quotes.txt

ME: why am i just the man for the job? lets see. i love hamburgers, i love to help,\nHAMBURGER HELPER CEO: Leave these hallowed halls at once
im all about getting out there and putting the posts up like im bad outta hell
I will be your Father. I will take you as my Son and teach you the ways of online. We will hold hands as our follower count reaches infinity
Sigh. Mistakes were made, folks. 
this account is now 100
, fully unbridled, Racist. Fuck you !!! 
my reaction when people react to pictures of my reaction when im reacting to something good 
Im singel bissness owner looking for gf leading to marriage no games
All girls are beauty
Beware of touching my gadgets\n\nAll my gadgets is encrypted with full security system so that no one can leak my personal files.
looking for communication Builder partnership with professional skills in Information Technology
plrease go to the salad bar and get me a plate full of bake and bits
do not tell my friend/colleague @PregnantSeinfeld how to make his fucking posts. hes a really good account & ahs been suffering from bedbugs
i ruminate over a scrapbook full of middle finger pics to keep myself demure, respectful and humble. "i deserve these", i utter shitheadedly
tge nicest thing about me is i have excessively dry balls which basically start flaking apart like a piece of strudel whenever I walk around
james bond learns how to do cartwheels from a wise eskimo on top of mt. everest and uses them to roll through a nuclear blast unscathed
"thw word 'good'... when you hear it, you're almost guaranteed something nice" - TheTrendingBoy
kfc commercial idea: a man is trying to get into kfc but he is too small to reach the door handle. he tries and tries and nobody helps him
workshopping some atrocious new kfc slogans "My oh my, The taste of it" "Kfc its a boys thing kfc" "aah!! Munch" "Help me get to kfc" "Hubba
i want "Damn KFC" nearly most of all the time !!! if it's not "Damn KFC" ill drop it like a sack of fuckin potatos !!!!
me and my laywer are discussing possible challenges that may arise from me asking a net girl to run me over with her car while i "pound off"
FOlks, please, do not hesitate to send me twitter content before you publish it, so i can tell you if it's acceptable, or if it's bull shit
TWITTER: our records sjow..youre the least blocked guy here. 0 mutes\nME: spectacular. Truly, truly miraculous. This is a sign.. to post more
listen., pal, if you think im the kind of guy who doesnt wipe his ass, you're barkin up the wrong tree. my ass needs all the help it can get
ENJOYING BOND MMO?? JUST CRAFTED SOME REMARKABLE BOND GEAR WHILE YOU WERE BUSY TRYING TO FUCK THE NPCS WITH THE HUNDREDS OF OTHER JAME BONDS
world record: stupid ass hole drinks cup of coffee underwater
ARMY: your nickname reflects poorly on us all. we're changing it to something like "raven" or "switchknife"\nME: no. "hostage killer" is good
Who Ever Left Their Pear Here. Come Get Your Pear 
playing Dr. Kawashima's Brain Training (2006, NDS) 15mins a day gives me, i believe, the edge required to successfully deflect troll attacks
maybe the ski mask guy who blasted the "Doge" dog across the room like a rag doll.. maybe he was all of us. my opinion. unfollow if u must.
REVIEW- EROTIC SILHOUETTE MUD FLAPS - 1 STAR: piece of shit. drags behind my Honda Accord and gets messed up. too long. not wortg the hassle
the dog from "Doge".. was assassinated today.. at the Pittsburgh Marriott durinng a "Meet & Greet".. point blank with a sniper rifle.. Weird
Houly shit !!! The posts just keep on coming
"Worthless" county treasurer in hot water after releasing list of famous cartoon apes he would like to fuck
DontWantNoBullShit.\n DontWantNoBullShit
think im going to start incorporating the word "Gadzooks" into more of my tweets, to punish my followers, for their constant insolence,
lumbering dick head told off by albertsons cart boy for trying to siphon gas from a moped while dressed like a blues brother
chaplain era silent motion pictures where basically the first subbed anime . click to read more
this guy was driving around with a decal of calvin pissing on nothing in particular. you missed the point entirely wwith this baffling setup
i did it. i posted like a fucking cartoon character instead of a human for 7 years and finally got my free light bulb 
get this fellas. i just doxxed MetalGearEric and his real name is: Ted Staircase. he lied about being an eric and his last name is staircase
whether its that Hot rock N' roll or Cool jazz, well we can know what the one thing is that we all can agree on, is that it is "Pretty good"
my idea for a car, is that it looks like a normal car., but right next to the steering wheel Blammo. theres a hose you can suck beer out of
bastard, 
floks... whether you're young or old: Star wors. Does it every time
(in slick Dennis Miller cadence) guh,
ah! ive had my ass put to the terrible kingdom of hell, also known as "the devils playpen", and also "Satans Playpen"
im out here in the yard trying to clean up my turds with a hair brush
one of my neighbors kicked my big flaming barrel of shit and piss over & spilled burning waste all over my yard just because im an irish man
#UNELECTABLE !! #DEADWRONG !! #MarcoRubio #TeamRubio #Rubio2016 
(to women at party) Im probably the top most crapped-on guy at twitter. My options get trashed constantly and Im best fit to shut my mouth.
folks.. when isay I'm "Getting my nails done", im talking being hammered to the cross, by those infamous trolls we all think poorly of,
reduced my weight gain goal to 300 lbs at the advice of my doctor
a social network to help cops with dirty boots meet browbeaten civilians who want to Spit`s shine the boots for free.. my one true vision
"Stick It" to the bastards of Washington using this hot new WendysTrick: Bigtime WendyScam for Nonviable Bun Bargain; Pitiful & Effective
Hunter S. Quiznos
bblast my dick with Pet Dander
good news folks, today i dreamt about buying Furniture w/my girl followers so i punished myself by slamming the toilet lid on my fat fingers
this weeks "Mother Fucker" award goes to BabePigMovieMan for saying my dick looks "Crumpled up like a napkin"
(listening to a wolf howl off in the distance) do you hear that. thats the sound of another fav star trophy in the bag
Nmot a single one of you has given me your account password so i can make posts about top airfare deals on your behalf, especially the girls
for $500, i'll follow oyu on here and steal your best posts. this is an excellent way to get your foot in the door if you ask me
the Digimon Otis peace treaty will hence be frozen in piss and thrown onto the freeway where itll shatter into one million despicable pieces
Fuck Otis. I will never follow a bastard such as this.
thbe new Digiman game looks like shit for children& 2015 will NOT herald the Digiman renaissance tht Otis desparately needs to stay relevant
Well, the time has come. But before I officially grant DigimonOtis the coveted @Dril follow, I would like to say a few words.
The ceremony will begin at 12:00 EST, wherein DigimonOtis shall unblock my account, and I will Follow him, officially ending this turmoil.
pleased to announce, on the april of 9th, that i have signed a Truce with DigimonOtis, ending a feud that has persisted over several years .
Whua?? No sponsorship disclaimer? no my friends. im saying all of these things for free, because i need to
enjoy your hot burger while children Piss freely in the colorful plastic tubes mere inches from your dinner, watch it flow down the slide
"Soda is back" Only at Mcdonald
the new meat ball sub's sandwich at mc donalds is a home run and between you and me the taste is sensational and almost good
do not show me this 
i''ll peruse the web at my own damn leisure and thats a fact jack
yknow folks, not many things tell you theyre good right there in the name, so if you see things like Good Friday or Goodfellas i say Take It
going nuclear on smart asses today, with the block button, Whilst enjoying my normal life with a cup of Porter Brew and eating Main Lobster.
whicghever media wizards decide what you all are currently angry about should consider the grievous crap of people putting mustard on bagels
((restrained by cops and forced to watch a man put mustard on a bagel) nno!! you're ruining it! That's quality bakedgoods
i am a cot and pickin "tells it like it is "son of a bitch
a visit.. from the easter man 
"Why should there be only one good friday. Let's try our best to make all the Fridays good. Thank you" -a quote i invented which made me cry
some times it takes a little bit of Free thinking to be able to look at the bull shit of the world to step back and say "Damn What the hell"
ME: These days everyone wants to suck their smart phones dick if u ask me.\nHIPSTER: Is that a new feature?\nME: ((making bitter beer fsce)
my plan of my walk of life is always making one million smackers  (dollars) to get rich, and to pick up all the money I find on the floor
im the reddit guy hwo ranted about an existential crisis i had after realizing all of jeff foxworthys "you might be a redneck" jokes were me
wghen other people do jokes, they get the big buzz feed office, allowed to kiss girls,etc, but when i do it im treated like a Crook. typical
you know what. im dropping the subject and going outside to sip some cool lemonade. Enjoy your circle jerlk
look at the calender. I'm not explaining this further
its a joke you nit wits.  Fuck all of you
ah ! your feeds going to blowup! loug out, quick!! 
dont try to tell me it's spelled "clarence"./ i will not be april's fool
forced to commit suicide on live tv after 50yr old post comes to light in which i claim that scotus clarance thomas jacks off using his feet
the trolls: please Followback, and also Yolo\nme: HUh?? Shit for brians? Whuuuaa?? Egads. Homina Homina. Sweet Baby Crap. You're a fool
real_damn_fairly_misanthropic_red_m_and_m
if anoyne sees a blue thermos on I-95 that is a container of Stress Vomit my wife threw out of the car and i need to show it to my doctor
daily reminder to wrap your Shit in tin foil before flushing so it doesnt touch other people's shit
coax me into the toilet like a big bu g
one more. good night 
auh yeah ! !! 
CLERK: Do you have your reward card\nME: Absolutely I do not. I shan't be taking money out of the hands of Best Buy using insidious exploits.
clown college is bnot a real place. it is a location imagined by trolls so they can claim that i'm from there or that i should go there.
funny that s.bucks suddenly wants to talk about race right after they throw me & my 7 service dogs out of their restaurant for being White
EEEEYYYYAAAAGGGGHHHH !!!!  MY ASS ....
lost in the Maze... 
scrolling down my feed..lauguhing my ass off at my own trade mark "Knee Slappers", my mouth stuffed with bread making beastly noises
how do people know how big their dicks are. is there an online quiz you can take
im at the point in my life where i cant relate to any popular fictional characters unless they use massive amounts of hair gel and steriods
109 year old man attributes long life to uncircumcised dick, no vaccines,
sorry bartender. if i order the wrong beer the trolls will have a field day. lets play it safe. fiji water for me, with a Hint of pepsi
at around 36:29 in the steve harvey fleshlight vid you can see a single tear rolling down his cheek, crying for the lost souls watching him
the steve harvey fleshlight vid now officially has more views than the critically acclaimed masterwork "Boyhood". we can do better people
once again i will take the path of honor, i will pledge NOT to watch the steve harvey fleshlight vid, no matter how good everyone says it is
3 reasons to join the jackinf off without a condom movement:\n1) Its good\n2) Its free to join it\n3) You dont need a condom to jack off
you see this..? *taps computer monitor with finger* this is not just a bunch of mixed up numbers and digits. this is a kingdom of Minds..
im he nice man.. who celebrates all the saints who DOnt have holidays... and not just 1 day a year.. #Bless
about 90
 sure i just saw a dog tossing garbage out of the back seat of someone's car
im a pleased as punch spoon-fed bitch and thats a bottom line
nothing like pouring a fresh bag of kitty litter down the ass crack after another liberating diarrhea shit
pplease let me join mensa. my IQ is essentially,  zero, but i have very good, clean hands
bbeing passively aggressively retweet trolled by half wits & their beautiful girl friends just makesme say "Not before ive had damn coffee."
all young men Must be fitted for a good Italian suit, ideally by age 4. i will not fucking apologize or back down from this
Why am i smilin tonight fellas?  Just got my hands on that new good treat to sip known only as simply "Bber".
concerned about people posting false lunches. lying about the food they ate on here. fraud meals. please start putting the receipts up
humbly  Genuflecting myself before my girl followers, at the end of another red-letter sunday night on the comptuer
fuckin online fuckin idiots
hu... now im a man who likes his garlic butter.. let me tell you. in fact, im prone to saying that regular butter needs to step it up a tad,
its true. my father owned slaves in the 1980s but he has since apologized & been forgiven with love and support. he's a nice man now.
phenomenal 
the 1st rule of my twiter account is read my posts with an open mind,. the 2nd rule is the fight club rules. the 3rd rule is simply Have Fun
the other son wipes his ass too much. goes thrugh absurd amounts of tissue & has effectively thrown any respect for my household to the Dogs
my 35 year old son is howling because he clogged the toilet without using any toilet paper again. the neighborhood despises my howling boy
tokyo of nippon. the big apple. it is here i will forge my destiny selling printouts of my most Fucked Up posts. i sip off my beer cup & nod
do the " Macarana "? Ha. No thanks
i highly suggest using hash tag #HuckleGate if you're a Journo who wants to print my tougjh but fair opinions regarding huckle berry hound
huckleberry hound... talk about someone who needsto get his act together, pronto
judge dredd kicks the doors of the wtc mosque wide open and says "Well this looks like a big bunch of crap to me "
please hire me as an actor if any of you are filming a movie or somr shit. my forte is making extremely comical faces while being strangled
the jduge orders me to take off my anonymous v mask & im wearing the joker makeup underneath it. everyone in the courtroom groans at my shit
"There is something to be said for being able to bring that Wow factor., into mediums that make use of Social. Mm. Just incredible" - @ Dril
Mountan Dew Cold Red check it out
I.m taking a break from people who think it is good to make a fool of me for drama purposes. Basically dont look at my page until im not mad
sign em off log em out\nlog em out sign em off\nsign em off log em out\n Raw Hide (whip noise,)
When and Rome... 
Gotta See This: tenets & facets of sears tyrannical mattress return policy ridiculed Skeptically by man with more than enough to eat at home
the bastard of downloads
you know what. im going to just come out and say it. i think that we should let the geico geckco go into hospitals & entertain the bedridden
when your feeding trough is clear of Debris.. that is the shit i like to happen
the cold damn truth of it is that all of your dads have probably owned slaves at some point. im sorry but that is just simply the true shit.
christ... just suddenlty hit with the realization that what im doing here is truly important. . thst behind each "Impression".. is a smile..
please follow my dril page
need 800 more dollars to keep the unofficial "$h*! My Dad Says" tv show wiki up and running for another month, yiou fucking worthless toads,
let's leave politics in the hog pen and debate the real shit, like which 90yr old restaurant owner invented the original chicken cheesesteak
then they donate the hair to corrupt criminal organizations isntead of mixing it w/ rotten fruit & feeding it to the dogs, as wa s customary
aand barbers had such good names then too,. like "Floyd " or "Erasmus". now they have bad names like "bozo the clown" and "nazi"
back in the nice days, youd go to th e barbershop and theyd serve you a full seven course meal during your haircut. not like today my friend
Home Depot cust serv line...URGH
Biber done it 
#ThingsIWontApologizeFor eating dog shit out of the toilet like a low down snake in the grass
im the guy who asked the baten kaitos forum if i should bring a condom to hooters
Here 
basicly a sniper rifle that can switch gears and turn into a baseball bat if the situaiton demands it. an armymans ultimate tool
i was once known on youtube as Epic "PLease stop recording me" Man., now im top influencer Gary Faves, making $500 a year posting from home
my friends, theres nothing i enojy more than a capsule of beer , while tasting beer with other 18-34 year olds, at the beer store
justl had to unfollow about six people for tweeting during the official Beggin Strips Moment of Silent Reflection
please remember that im in charge of this website before you try to drag some toughguy shit all over my good page
cmon peopl now \nsmile on your gamers \neveruybody get together \ntry to do good with your Gamers right now
the twilight zone episode where the guy blocks everyone on twitter and becomes startled and bewildered when no one is left to give him favs,
THIngs other people like: being bastards, being Uniformly tasteless\nTHINGS I Like: Being reasonably kind, and trying to help, when i can
vvvvvvv  U see that shit?? That`s what we call in the business "Another satisfied custoumer". Locked down.
CollegeHater: Ur arms aren't getting enough sunlight\nCollegeHater: Did u use the cream I sent u\nCollegeHater: Ur dead.  At the flagpole. 3pm
the dress Color? (grins Intelligently at the hell about to be unleashed upon naive content consumers) its brown, because i wipe my ass of it
ME: Sorry. i must turn down your offer to join the Mafia, as itd disappoint my friends on twitter\nTHE MAFIA:The Mafia respects your decision
ISIS MAN: It's Jim from Montana... He says ISIS should "Cool it" and that we're "Crooks"\nISIS CHIEF: Damn. Were finished. Dismantle the nuke
Eatinh a 26 dollar hoagie.
Retweets Against Adam Lanza
hell no i wont wear a sleeping cap. what the fuck is that shit. how does a hat help you go to sleep. looks like, a Fools hat.
I shoudl. Just bring back the fucking TexMexBoy shit.  Thats all im good for
It didnt work. Leave it
mn 
"If it doesn't have that ZING , it ain't Tex-Mex." - TheTexMexBoy
"You don't know Jack, unless you know Pepper Jack ." - TheTexMexBoy
"dinner portions.. for lunch? Absolutely. Absolutely." -TheTexMexBoy
"I love the name of honor, more than I fear death." -me to my boss after he found a picture of me with a big shit stain on my sweatpants
they should rename twitter .com "the dignity website", because i swell with pride when i think of the 200,000+ things ive posted on here
sylvestetr the cat: sufferin succotash! Terry Schiavo was murdered
if you go to a nascar rally carrying a clipboard and wearing a hard hat people will just let you go on the track and kiss all the good cars
and the final word i leave all of  you pitiful cowards upon this sinful night is "Truth".. hold it clos.e.. use it.. thank you
i was uninvited from the oscars for trying to sell "oscars brand bear bile" to everyone who stopped their car for me while i fake hitchhiked
oscars for exrtraordinarily subversive, insightful, online textual Musings?? unsoiled by MOneymen?? Thats what my shit particularly would be
my son got on my tablet and posted something truly unworthy of the institution of oscars but i wont delete it because theyre his first words
.,. <<<<< THATS MY DICL #Oscars2015
Duty And Honor 
A Man's Sense of integirty. 
laying in the car, hiding firom my malicious Wife because im in trouble for buying too many toothpicks to fit into the tooth pick holder
tried to make an fps in the 90s but i only got as far as naming the difficulty levels "YA MOMMAS BOY", "PUKE" and "TURN THE GAME OFF DIPSHIT
took some pics of my new satellite dish, but im not posting them until hatred annd cynicism are eradicated
youve heard of the trail of tears, well, if the boys in the white house had their way it would be the trail of taxes, and we;d get the shaft
every one always says they would use x-ray goggles to look at womens asses and get horny and wild. Not me. I would use them to help doctors
everyone cuts their arms and legs off in the future because all you have to do is say "computer fetch me my Posts" and itll do it
Politic's is back baby. It's good again. Awoouu (wolf Howl)
if i ever accidentally posted something relatable or good enough to trick you into following this account, i truly apologize. im crying also
sand blast my damn ass or go to pig piss cop hell
man encased in lethal amounts of body oil and skin bronzer preserved for thousands of year.s.. beautiful
1) My finger nails are clean \n2) Sorry that i fucking use my hands to work for a living &amp; dont care about finger nails\n3) Peastebin incoming
requesting hand critiques. please be honest , but fair 
if any of oyu crude boys want to come after me *room lights up revealing collection of r/c helicopters behind my outspread arms* be my guest
Ghuph,.Being called a "Bastard" on here by someone with a sexually explicit avatar is the bigguest laugh ive had on this website since 2014.
i accept all your apologies you sad mother fuckers. YOu all have a lot of work to do when it comes to critiquing my meme style. Foul animals
my good new plan is to aquire a storefront, name it "please dont come in here" and jack off inside of it, alone, until i run out of money
ready to help all cops . 
question my alligence to the dod damn twitter website and get swiftly block buttoned to childish hell, nincompoopts
as a Parent.. the thought of somebody attacking my sons with some sort of weapon, is just not good to me
fellas. do n't forget to do something special for that lady in your life on valentine's day! none of you deserve love 
hoping for that big promotion from mounted, tormented beast to rodeo clown
doctor: i can say with absolute certainty that if you do one more weird trick youll die\nme: CAPTAIN TIGER's Miracle Corn. LOok it up bastard
im a journelist now. gi;ve me free monster engery or ill Eviscerate you
my godfather died of urine poisoning while cleaning out a mcdonalds playplace tube and that's why drama makes me upset
please dont make whimsy of the popes ass while I am on-feed. ive more inportant things to do than indulge myself in hearsay of the popes ass
may the wind carry my tweets and soothte the sick, the wounded, the downtrodden of both man &amp; beast, across the savage shit earth of trolls,
JUDGE: i'll commute 10 yrs from ur sentence if you kiss my gavel\nME: no. i will do the time i deserve and thats the truth and also nuff said
im the good man whorespects his followers, i respect the artistriy of tweeting and i respect my girl followers also. nuff said dip shit
my critics say that my unconventional ass wiping techniques are no good. that i am seriously wounding my ass. that my ass is dirty. bastards
apparel, 
im probably going to post more messages on here soon so please don't unfollow me
catching a ton of flak for my "how to fuck a Cadbury egg" web log series. sorry dim wits. your dick needs to be really small for it to work
if youre looking for good movies about grease, do not watch the nmovie "grease", because you will get swindled
sometimes i think thnings would be easier if i would just bite the bullet and relinquish my real name for my meme name, "epic Couch Bitch"
shocking: "racism is the light of my soul. racism is the air that i breathe, and racism is what i like." -RacismMario @cnn @msnbc @foxnews
pass the savings onto me mother fucker
Q: Dear @Dril, friend to all online. Do Good people die?\nA: Good people absolutely do not die, and you have bveen blocked for asking me this
# i will never bring dishonuor to the web by lowering my self to the point of placating the lowest common denominator witht "Joke" or "Gags"
dr phil disciplines  2 year old toddler demon hog with cow boy boots live on crackle
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^\n<<<<<  The Web Site Of Rat People  >>>>>>\n            VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
I'll nmever click on anything. Never
marked for death after lays used my idea for steroid flavored potato chip and put my god damn name and location on the bag
i just hacked into the church and made god REal
im still  noob after all these years, after 20 years of the computer im still noob, unbelievable
the secret fruit that oprah eat`s to become more psychic can now be ordered "ONLINE"
for my money.. nothin hits the spot quite like Food, or Drink
(in highly rational and cool voice) i have the higher follower count than them. i wiont let them undermine me
favorite crood haver , online now
thte content man fails once again, and walks home to get trash talked by his 34-year old son who refuses to eat anything without ketchup
like this if youre one of the 3
 of teens who remembers when music was just guys saying "my name is kid rock" over and over
becoming a meme after confessing that i left my gf at a 5 star restaurant to spray my dick with compressed air taught me the pain of Slavery
cyber bullied at k mart
ill come on to the computer when i damn like to, and ill post what i damn want to, and thats the facts of it
my style 
football?? Pfuh. while you sweathogs are pounding off to grievous injury porn i'll be experiencing life at  the car wash, with shorter lines
on March 14th 2011, user "AIDS_Wanter" maliciously paraphrased my alt-luit witticism regarding birdseed which turns into birds, when planted
AmexMcDs
TIME: Why arent you live tweeting the big game. Why\nME: id never forgive myself if i killed someone by pushing vital info off of their feed.
im NOT going to live tweet the damn super ball game, and im NOT going to respond to any DMs asking why. i care about the integrity of Feeds
looking to get on some rowdy boys bad sides tonight mother fucker.
sex worship i;s a mental condition that is worse than liking the super bowl
incest bowl 
the professional youtube reaction man who pays me $3 an hour to scrawl his account name on the walls of womens toilets just died of cholera
aggressively joyless oaf hhere. painfully obnoxious respect demander checkign in. extremely dim witted frowning man looking for pals
DICK DOCTOR: have you been using protection\nME: yes. i put an entire towel in my ass
seems like nowadays are more like nowadays than they were thenadays and thenadays were less like nowadays than they were thenadays, nowadays
in talks with twitter execs to make my account unblockable, and also Worse
glue man here, poking in to this site. big glue guy. just seeking atlanta house wife, miss Right Lady,  to Glue me, to the glue
just enjoying a noticable uptick in Favs and Followeres ever since my sworn enemy, Osama bin Laden, was brutally murdered in his rumpus room
to my hawaiian pen pal from like 4th grade; sorry for sending you a pinecone. if someone sent me a pine cone in the mail i'd beat their ass
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote's son\nFOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level\nAGAINST: one of them is a dog
appreciating every post online is akin to acquainting oneself w/ each earthly grain of sand..and i absolutely intend to do both these things
like i always say; sewage is just shit in a pipe
big pharma. if youre reading this i have an idea for a pill that makes you tinier so you can fit into secret zones. i will let you invent it
another Twisted observation—Where the fuck does cinnamon come from. it just appears on food sometimes. Do people buy it at the store or what
ap,. 
Ha ha ha its me. It's me. Yeah, good jok.e. No 
my ass is out again,. this time at the opera house. "no wifi!! turn on the wifi!!" i yell from the balcony. im trying to shit but i cant
Comments off until the children go to bed.
hakuna mycoffee. .. #Understandable 
shocking wiki leak #WikiLeaks #ObamaChewingGum 
Clown Disregarder
me when theres not enoujgh fuckin coffee or beer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 
looking to spice up my marriage with pg13 comedies about camping
Shut the fuck up abuot Greece
Thank you to all USERs who have engaged my web space regarding Super Bowl. You have increased the Social Power of myself and the NFL forever
hey now, its super bowl 
congress passes law to make every character in every show go to jail on the final episode like in seinfeld
im somewhat a bit of an expert on *looks around cautiously* girls, as i have convinced many of them to beat the shit out of me on craig list
follow for upcomming movies updates
Hoammm,so sleepy
wiping out an entire archaeological site by drifting in my 1500-ton big rig truck with "piss up my ass bitch boy" on the side in neon lights
nuke obtained by renegade AssFreak
Thank you for your time, Elon. I know youre very busy but I appreciate you coming onto my feed. 
elon: the tesla milker will run by taking ordinary chemtrails out of the air and tuirning them into, milk\nme: wow. Tastes great. Ha ha ha
enjoying a conversation with my friend elan musk,. 
im sorry for claiming i was going to "flip the script" on dry rub barbeque. that was wildly irresponsible of me
U would be superbly fucking remiss to not click on my link of top 10 reasons that Vuvuzela s are The Dog's bollocks
some times.. i need my coffee fix so bad.. i gotta grab TWO mugs!! Im the mockery of all my co-workers and i fucking suck
watching stimpy slide up the fireman pole traumatized me and made me want to become a united state marines
the News;\n- death cured; immortality real\n-on-line ghoul given plaque; recognized as "loudest human alive"\n- bird infiltrates macaroni grill
im the guy who is famous at the hospital because i had to have two catheters put in since i piss so much
i just talked to all of my celeb friends on this site and they told me that the blue checkmark is good to have. personally, i believe them.,
please help me to obtain my fair share of royalties from the video " caterwauling jack ass shot with cannon '", which is now viral with hits
YES !! YES ! PULLOVER 
another stir-up at the office when relatably handsome professional refuses to remove sticker from khakis that says "my other pants is jeans"
pplease remember to turn your location on so the buffoons on this web site can have an easier time finding you, for whatever horrible reason
the american sniper murders 8 people with one bullet 2000miles away from a beach chair in hawaii, winks at the camera and says "Its A Livin"
4k tech will enable the viewer to see my dick hole fully accentuated through my jeans as the media hunts me down in a carrabba`s parking lot
5 bucks will get you 1 minue access to the "Peck cam" where you can watch all sorts of wild birds peck me while i force myself not to resist
people enjoying a meal outdoors., disgusting. horrible. inadvisable
*steps up to mic; booed immediately* geico commericals are tthis generation's pink floyd **boos get louder** can anyone help me find my car
everyones always using selfie sticks these days instead of attending lectures about string theory and shit and im so mad i could crank off
wow theyrre releasing more of these already 
get the fuck out tof there!! get the fuck out of there you god damn idiot!! asshole!! i need that oil!! i need oil!! 
someone please verify rumor that petsmart is turning all animals loose (lizards snakes rats dogs) because of the scoundrel obama care
im pretty sure the neightbors can hear my keyboard clicking at 4am and thats why they throw chemicals at me
truthfully, i do believe that, now thatm the gas prices are low, i think that theres going to be a lot less BULL S#!T on the commute !!
id love to be 1 of those purple espn guys who puts boulders on descending columns but id probly get all sorts of penut gallery comments here
jack`s off to the super bowl for business, jack`s off to the bitter beer face commercials for pleasure
im sorry for getting bonnaroo 2015 cancelled b/c i used the hashtag to ask ppl to put teeth in my ass. but im Not sorry for defeating trolls
WOw.  Sorry. Like i give a shit. Wiseguys on here
i mostly just need help getting the teeth. i can handle pouring them into my ass by myself #ParksPremiere
some one help me put hundreds of human teeth into my ass hole #bonnaroo2015
pour teeth into my ass #SpyMovie
top me off, beer man. here's to bottoms up **gets kicked out of the fucking establishment for putting my dirty coat on the bar*
in honorable protest, i will abuse my ass cheeks with radio waves until the Olympics forces all of the swimmers to wear shirts
isis man: please! you gotta follow back! you just gotta!\nme: no can do my man. i respect your right to be in isis, but I can not follow you.
folks it's me, the guy who said that hit &amp; run drivers are actually good on a blog once. anyway I want to get on CNN again so please retweet
looking at Mars Bar
did we end sars yet. good job every one, if we did
not ashame.d of my posts. my messages help people
i have proof that my care taker has been tricking me into eating delicious home cooked meals by hiding them in wads of peanut butter
if you have a problem with my mouth, i'll be swniging a sledgehammer in circles outdoors for the rest of my life, so come try do crap to me.
REAL REAL REAL "The @Dril Drafts Folder: See it BEFORE he says it" take a L@@k #ForbiddenContent 
seems to me. like, well, these days, people are more interested in Instagram , than telegrams, which are better because theyre the first one
im the guy in the incognito browser icon who jacks off wearing a trenchcoat and sunglasses
me: nobody has to get owned today. please, please put down the keyboard and step back\n9 year old child: Fuck oyu
does anyone else think that @DigimonOtis has been going downhill lately.? wouldnt be surprised if he sold his account to some reddit guy.
that last psot was damn good enough to count as the 12th day of content if i say so my self. #The12DaysOfContent
(struggling))ok i figured it out: all opinions are good, except for the opinions that say other peoples opinions are bad, because thats rude
watch the first 45 minutes of the film, read the entire beeteljuice manga, then watch the rest of the film, or fucko ff
heed my words ,cyberfilth, i may bvery well be a thirty eight yr old kindergartner, but im fairly average when it comes to eating female ass
eat shit , jc penney skeptics 
proudly announcing to the barber shop that i got through my entire haircut without screaming or touching my dick underneath the smock
and i find it kind of funny\ni find it kind of sad\nthe dreams in which im Beavis\nare the best ive ever had
NÃOGOSTADEMIM\n---——-/´¯/)——--(\\¯`\\\n———/—//———--\\\\—\\\n——--/—//————-\\\\—\\\n—-/´¯/—/´¯\\———/¯`\\—\\¯`\\\n-/-/--/—/—/-|_—-_|-\\---\\—\\—\\-\\ -
#The12DaysOfContent theyre back boys. the good posts i used to make when iw as an Indie account. the Classics series, 
your video "stuart little: Why I dont buy it" has been removed due to hate speech against islam and pepsi
i feel like getting shot would;nt be that bad if you knew how to properly "body spin " away from the bullet or slap it away with your hand
somebody please haul my ass to the ultimate breast worship championship's. i made the top 16 bracket and my car was impounded, due to lice
#the12daysofcontent thank s 
Sometimes I like to get in my car and see where it takes me. Tonight it's @PeiWei
hipster.kiss my usa ass
im not cut out to be a content producer!! fuck thtis!! i want to go back to just looking at everyone else's content and nodding if its good
#The12DaysOfContent making these is as torturous as every concentration camp combined, including hell, which god made 
unbelievable. another muffler man statue had its big plastic jeans stolen late in the night, whjile i was busy having an alibi at my house
do not be afraid to talk to that lonely boy on the train ... with the rosy red cheeks, sun glasses &amp; big cigar... he just mmight be... angel
ME: when committing to a project like "the 12 days", you are forced to bear your soul to countless vicious cannibals\nGQ: crhist. its true
next year itll be the 3 days of content or something. i cant handle 12 whole days on top of stress &amp; trouble brought to me by gimmick memers
#The12DaysOfContent somone tell me what day im on please because i lost count 
i am the damn good boy who always gets his dinner egg 
i pour my Blood into my tweets, and seeing all these random 4chan reddit Monkey Cheese tumblr teens get more favs than me is the great 9/11,
searching for bastards .
you see; most of the piss were exposed to in our day-to-day lives is immediately diluted by toilet water. pure piss is a monster all its own
shit head with hog DNA takes cardboard pennzoil display hostage
im delighted to see that people are waking up to the fact that Masturbation is fraud, and turns all of the T in your body into germs
just call me george watchington. beucase im watching tons of nice shit appear on my computer screen
#The12DaysOfContent im sorry again 
#The12DaysOfContent here comes baby new year . . . 
my 2015 new years resolutions is to go to hell less often, and raise $99 by selling stolen mulch to buy my account back from lockheed martin
just keep on, pulling that old Chain #The12DaysOfContent 
What if the guy who jumped over the white house fence thought it was the gamer gate.
what if the guy who jumped over the white house fence thought it was the gamer gate
ah (sees the good low gas price while driving, spit takes hot coffee all over dick &amp; the sharp, sudden stimulus causes me to ejaculate) okay
(crawling out of rocks in dystopian future where all the good posts have already been made) uehh.. im the big.. denim.. sock loop(??).. man
goign to new york disguised as the Mayor so when the cops turn their back on me i can jack off
actually the barf bags on airplanes are for shitting in. they call them barf bags because thats gross to some people
theyre probably going to show my dick on cnn soon. hopefully on split screen with some dick expert from minnesota saying how normal it looks
#The12DaysOfContent #AmericanSniper 
after muchf bullshit, screaming arguments, i have finally procured the $80 usd necessary to begin development on the face book of gamer.
JAILBIRD: Whatre u in for\nCROOK: I headbutted an ambulance\nJAILBIRD: Hm., Thats good. Well bye\nCROOK: Bye. Thank you
and another thing: im not mad. please dont put in the newspaper that i got mad.
know what. im not fucking sorry. the "12 days" project has been fairly solid thus far. as if the shit you people post is better?? get fucked
Im sorry that the 12 days of content feature isnt as good as I planned it to be. I will try to to better of it, in the remaining days. -Dril
my follower count nosedives dramatically each time i do this but #The12DaysOfContent must continue 
(ccrying) its jst not good. nothing online is good. we will ne ver top 1999's "monicka lewinsky craping" vid from back when jokes were legal
yeah , just take this big metal trash can ive strapped to my dick off and just spray piss everywhere. just take it off. great idea fuck face
#The12DaysOfContent 
#ThreeWordsSheWantsToHear always Handsome gamer #ThreeWordsSheWantsToHear loud but Nice #ThreeWordsSheWantsToHear COrdial, and unafraid
invoke my big ass with satan noises or go home
im like a mean old Rattler rwho types on the keyboard by repeatedly striking it with my poisonous mouth and teeth, and youre.. the dead guy,
Bog Off, Fuckazoid. Im Cramming Packets Beyond Digital Light Speed ,Injecting Pure Fire Into The Blogomedia SuperFrame For The God Damn Lord
#The12DaysOfContent 
beginning tomorrow .. for #The12DaysOfContent... that's twelve days of top-shelf posts just in time for santa.. as a "Thank You" to the boys
may god help you if you trip your feet against my handsome bulk while i am sitting on the floor looking at Depression things on my tablet pc
thank you, 
tomorrow im going to fill up on bread befoore 10am and get waterboarded by my seven identical uncles
i will not post on xmas day out of reverence for the lord christ. that is only. my opinion, and if youre going to kill me for it, thats fine
absolutely read some of my god damn tweets while opening gifts with loved ones at the tree tomorrow &amp; bring CULUTRE to this ass of a holiday
i fucking love logging in and out of things at incredible speed
it ius abundantly clear that my entire online presence is like a big toilet shaped pinata that people bludgeon with sticks &amp; take shits into
buddy youre ten pounds of shit in a ten pound bag, of shit
Saying you want to put your dick in the keebler elf house is one of the fucked up things i will block U the mostly for .
upgrade my ass to a human's ass
sometimes i love to be able to want to be the man who is able to want to need to have his wants and needs able to be fulfilled sometimes
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
change your godgdamn name clown @WayneHooter
i destoryed my balls with uh, enhanced interrogation techniques sir
i agree with all party `s involved 
the numa numa man just bougt a $70million house and im here at the library trying to photocopy a fruit roll up
UndianPSM
#WorstDateIn5Words i tune
#WorstDateIn5words a bunvch of blades arranged to spell out" 9/11". the worst date, in swords
Let's cut the crap—regarding iTunes. Maybe it's just me, but it seems like you gotta be from NASA just to get half these features to work.
(in perfect astronnaut voice) bleep bloop even I cant figure out how to use damn itunes and im from Nasa
heads up hotshot. gonna drop two fuckin cents on this fuckin itunes. yeah you gotta be a fuckin nasa astronaut to use this shit. yea alright
i gotta tell you, itunes is running me ragged. i reckon it would require the expertise of a NASA astronaut to operate this infernal program.
ME: itunes, play some sinatra\nITUNES: Youre not authorized to operate itunes. Please insert NASA identification\nME: what hath ,been wrought!
folks let me tell you about the content platform known as "itunes". its so poorly conceived its even got nasas top men scratchin their heads
some times I have a hard time playing my favorite songs on itunes, and I wish I had my astronaut's degree from nasa to help me play it !!
itunes has more buttons &amp; clickers than a space rocket, its like you got to be an astronaut from nasa to use it and not a normal man as I am
the itunes program is so complicated its like you gotta have a degree from nasa just to play sweet home Alabama.
itunes.. what a mix-up. its like you gotta be a NASA astronaut just to work this thing
GIRL 1: only 25
 of @dril's followers are female. lets get that to 100
 by 2015 \nGIRL 2: I agree
dear horseshoe crab,: you are neither of those things, and yyou look like a damn rat in a hat
yes,. i;m the guy who eats handfuls of salt to dry myself up so i never have to wipe my ass, and yes, there are several wars declared at me
NET PERVERSION >>>>> BAD <<<<<< MURDER\n                                            ^\n                                        NEW LIGHT BULBS
the usd dollar will explode into complete dust next year . pelase strongly consider growing an apple garden
the dogs playing poker painting is ranom wacky bullshit, it is now considered not good by me, and i have made the decision to not look at it
mister one million dollars 
im going to close my account for uhhh 90 seconds until yyou fucking people learn how to engage content creators in a meaningful handsome way
Fuck off. Thats in poor of taste RT @SplendaCowboy GUess its The AIDS quilt now
well im sad to announce that the meme quilt project has been cancelled. someone has already jacked off on it instead of adding their patch
makimg a Meme Quilt, where we send a quilt all over the world &amp; each person adds a patch featuring their favorite online meme . a bit of fun
paper towel ?? Huzzat ?? is it a paper or a towel. more to come
FRONT: If u dont like the posts\nBACK: Get out of the kitchin
im an exhausting person to be around but once you get to knnow me im actually a giant shithead with irredeemable mouth
thank you inventor of bibs. every one else, off a cliff
i put years of hard work into getting my torture degree at torture college &amp; now everyones like "oh tortures bad","its ineffective" fuck off
once agian the posts sent to me by screwball accounts have caused me to spit up and defile my big belt buckle which contains my son's ashes
Star wars is back baby . . . Confirmed by @Dril
i challenge us all to  experience one another in a greater over all sense of adult maturity, in the year two thousand of fifteen, next year.
concerning my messages on here: typically pretty good id say. if theyre bad its because i have a life instead of thinking of crap to upload.
this. this fauil. fail this 
ijust had to block like 3 people for using the word "gargle" as a noun
i can only save one 
im the dumb mother fucker who sucks on my computer monitro like one of those aquarium fish; to bond with ceelbs, brands, trends, what have u
im the dumb mother fucker who uses a dessert fork to cut up my spaghetti
im the dumb mother fucker who has permanently fucked up abs from wearing a pair of suspenders backwards for three days straight
im the Dumb motherfucker who holds a 21 gun salute in honor of pizza huts old brand on the quake server &amp; fails to get the boys to cooperate
im the dumb mother fucker who puts the ice in after the drink and calls the soda fountain a "bastard" when it splashes at me
it will be good for all of us when i shorten my name from "the ebay boy" to "eboy"
i feel a good balance of nice energy &amp; rude energy cioming through the monitor at me, and i think i will stay online for about 3 more hours.
hte shit people type at me "Yap yap yap"
my ass cheeks have two giant finger nails
me &amp; the booys are riffing on 78 hours of stolen walgreens security cam footage. this guy on here just bought a toilet brush. bitch!! bitch!
i msay be woefully ignorant, but at least im good at justifying my existence with trite remarks
CELEB: Love that Moolah baby\nME: Did u see that shit. Did u see that shit. He called it moolah instead of money. God damn! Only in hollywood
the sheriff has ordered me to return the "Helpful Boy Award" i earned at age 8 after seeing me at the local swimming pool begging for towels
SCOTT PETERSON: i unfollowed you in 2011 and your shit gets retweeted into my feed constantly. it sucks\nME: I apologize sir!! I've fucked up
[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[please let Miley join the USMC]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]\n[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[She will do good]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]
hoagie prreserved in peat bog for 30 years - "It's Still Food" - "Oh it's nice"
(chanting to self; walking around in public) dont get owned. dont get owned (body quickly separated into 500 pieces by metallic alien noise)
targeted advertiosng helps me connect with the Brands I Need 
ridiculous to believe that someone would risk the careers of themselves &amp; their colleagues to put a secret ass in the trailer of a starwars.
again i've been asked to comment on the hidden ass in the new star wars trailer. it's time to put this cowardly rumor to rest. theres no ass
as the authority on being tge guru of tech,  i think that,  "searchs", are going to be an important part of web life, in the  year 2015
herees what I say to those who think im having a goof on here (presses button on wristwatch &amp; tiny pair of shades launches onto face) im Not
diseased hogs pissimg everywhere but the toilet. wads of hair covered in piss and smashed into the floor #SponsoredContent
(cop inspecting his new body cam with huge pepperoni fingers) what the fuck is htis. where do i pack the ammo. is this a new type of grenade
threres a rumor master chief will take off his mask and reveal hes the btk killer.. do not do this.. it would be disrespectful to halo
"Give me an App that will make me say, 'Wow'"  "Apps will help us in our lives" "An App is always just a download away" some good app quotes
are you having a crap of me mate??  Are you, having a crap of me mate
christ.. ive done it again.. ive posted the absolute good truth shit that every1 has been waiting to hear in this sea of lying crap nonsense
ive made an arrangement with the casino. im allowed to yell at the slot machines now, but only if i actually put money in them first
its not normal to get on here and post fake joke shit when the rockefellers, the carnegies , theyre all reading it. theyre scrutinizing it
ijust had one Hell of a steak dinner. i wont post specifics regarding the dinner due to trolls but i would like to get this viral please.,
stare directly into the sun For Free #blackfridaydeals
i just left an enormous pile of vomit behind golds gym for all of you abominable pig clowns to pick at #blackfridaydeals
thats one small Ass for a man,. one tiny jeans for man kind
my intense belief: you should not be eligible for the presidency of the United States until you are at least 89 years old
my friend nasdaq_oscar says they just let all the pardoned turkeys run around the white house and shit on the carpet. disgrace to the office
my big sons have made a mess of the garage again after being riled up by  the good word of the Lord
jeopardy should give the contestants guns and make them shoot the categories. i think that this would improve the image of the guns brand
if youre not a fellow big time social buzz blog appreciateor then spare me thhe wretched crap of the bullshit
the essential, Male Ass
NO I WILL NOT USE MY BRAND NEW 3D PRINTER TO PRINT OUT "A PICTURE OF RATS". PLEASE SUGGEST SOMETHING GOOD, LIKE CUSTOM MONOPOLY PIECES
all gags and assorted banter aside though I will in fact be shooting the thanksgiving turkey with a gun instead of eating it this year .
cant wiat to see what devilish thanksgiving scenarios me and the boys of twitter can conjure up. "The turkey was taken by spiders? ? Whua??"
all ladys need to shut off the god dam soap operas and put on the vids of me smoking a pipe that ive painted to look like a nascar
slobber, by definition, can only come from a mouth. anyone claiming to slobber out of their ass is a liar and possibly a scammer
im sorry to everyone who has ever wanted me to apologize to them for something, and im sorry for apologizing tio you if you didnt need me to
[kOaLa_Releasez_Prezentz]gilligans_island_theme(Tap_That_Ass_Mix_2007)by_DJ_arbys(Deceased)_uploaded_by_Vect0rman.mp3.zip
((sends yoyu an unsolicited 20 image sequence of me morphing into a neopet) i can take u... closer
im moving to israel, where the boys are nice, as soon as i get confirmation that they use the same kind of toilet paper that we use here
"big craps are good". never have is een such a foolhardy sentiment expressed on here. "Big craps are good". Absurd. The words make no sense
every morning i pick up the local paper and read the latest condemnations about my rinky-dink, slipshod Ass &amp; my child-like shoulder blades
hidden camera prank doctor: we got your xrays back. Looks like your brain has been replaced by bugs\nme (oblivious): please let me g go home
alRight. no filter.  i think that,  igf you are a bird, and you get run over by a car, you absolutely need to get your god damn act together
id absolutely love to move to LA with my model g.friend &amp; start my film career, but all my pre-orders at game stop would certainly be fucked
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
in social media blunders: i post a pic of my new watch without realizing all of my credit card numbers and dick and prolapsed ass are visibl
my rig tower is full of shit parts because i spent all my money on a mouse pad with a screaming human face ionside of it
fbi agents are hiding theur guns in toilets so they can arrest you for shitting on government property. do not be fooled by this dirty trick
im starting a new feature on my feed called "Boy's Thought's" where I just riff on the things of day to day life and maybe some surprises to
whats in my cup today?  why its that old stand-by known as "beer" folks . thank you for reading it
i nneed constant 24/7 stream of memes and jokes about coffee being good to prove to myself im not living in rthe Fucking matrix
something must be done about aall these kids on the playground claiming the goatse.cx lawyer is their uncle
once agAin going "Ape" over controversial Classic rock opinions at the super market while my asain gf pushes me around in a shopping cart
someone needs to tell "TimOnline" that his username fucking sucks
there is so much rigamarole and legal B.S. involved around mnaking a comedy central roast of digimonotis that it's almost not even worth it
in the latest effort to distance myself from "Whacky" ;, "Random" bull shit, i will be changing my name from VolleyballCraig to NormalCraig,
things 90s boys remember: vision of themselves in the future being violently ripped apart by unknown energy. that board game thats in a mall
its decided. tomorrow morning im going to speak with the priest after his sermon and ask him to perform the ritual that will turn me athist.
my t-shirts no longer have humorous slogans on them, their purpose now is to display pitiful appeals begging people not to piss on me
((SPILLING BLOOD ALL OVER KEYBOARD) THIS IS WHAT U WANT. THIS IS WHAT U FUCKING BASTARDS WANT RIGHT\n(1 WEEK LATER)\nWHY ARE THE KEYS STICKING
mmy monitor flashed before me in dazzling light. for 1 brief moment, I saw every Celeb at once, the good 1s, the bad 1s, crying, jsut crying
originally wanted to keep silent about the "elmer fudd's dick" issue, but BMXWalter's objectionable dickless fudd theory has forced my hand,
in response to allegations that i have beneficial forms of bacteria housed in my digestive tract: 1) Thayt's fucking disgusting 2) I don't
im going to jack off to the comet instead of the ass because im nice
doctor: you have a hoof growing in your brain. like a goat's hoof. its horrifying, unprecedented &amp; fatal\nme: is it true they do 420 in hhere
thw man who killed bin laden... angel or demon 
lime and pear is the same "Lime &amp; Pear: Same Fruit" (they are the same) #LimeAndPearTheSame // Opinion: Limes are no different from pears
[transfer of pug_dog_Spectacularly_gored_by_bull.flv completed] \noops. sorry. that's the wrong one. here\n[transferring lime.jpg]
i know how to get on all my favorite site`s.
in the nice days, the paper boy would hand deliver the newspaper to its subscriber. now he throws it at my dick and murders me every time
ass ointment seeping through the top of my perilously tight jeans leaving unsightly horizontal stripes on the sofa #Supernatural200thEpisode
as this website's foremost broken human being, id like to annoucne that oysters make me mad now, for some reason
me: let's just say if ur a child who suffocated in a plastic bag, my next rant might just rock your socks off\nbuzzfeed: Splendid. Phenomenal
" big-ears bastard ruins another opera after being flung off the balcony by marines "
a good bad -ass thing would be a criminal who throws lots of hand grenades and kisses them each time. they could use this in agent of shield
congress: youre so good at saying the truthful things in a handsome way. we need you\nme: Wheres bigfoot. Assholes
congress: it would be an honor to let you join Congress\nme: absolutely no. it'd be a disservice to my followers to join the bastard congress
THe,yre going to stop, making twinkies soon. Buy lots of ammo and leather
i want anonymous and police to join forces against the mayor and allow me to have a big pile of dirty towels rot the floorboards in my house
the US army sent my police departmet 100000 hideous robot arms to rip off citizens' heads but heres the thing, we only need like 500 of them
open up thhis portable crapper  citizen. im police and im on a crook search. stand down stand down
to counter-act the terrible "ISIS", im starting my own group called "NICEis". what we do is give retweets &amp; faves to the hopelessly decrepit
sorry boys.. im goin A.W.O.L.. !!!  Another Weekend On-Line
the pinheads at the post office are all down there whooping it up with my good car mags instead of delivering them to my tent in the desret
i love ggetting hazed so i can gain access into this exclusive club of people who have been forced to eat dog shit
they were goign to preserve my brain but they decided it would be a waste of a jar. they instead used the jar to store a massive piss sample
once i get the brand surgry i expect dairy queen to come crawling back. to give me back my job of saying "dariy queen rules" for $0.01 an hr
i;m now getting surgery to completely become a Brand. all bothersome human elements (ability to get mad, go to toilet, etc) will be, removed
Have u ever wanted to Kick someone's ass on here so bad but don't do it because you will die if youre exposed to clouds
sttop sending me aprilfools. its not April
the last indie twitter acocunt. ..yeah thats me
i was given a purple heart for being the fox executive who invented the 3d football robot &amp; made homer stop showing his ass on the simpsons
a cement truck pouring its load on a bare ass nude man lying face down while people sing happy birthday to him
(reading my latest death threat ) "from the desk of DigimonOtis..." this is bullshit.  digimonotis has never owned a desk
WHEN IT IS TIME FOR ME TO BE QUIET, I AM EASILY FOOLED BY THE FAKE RUBBER NIPPLE OF A PACIFIER. I THINK THAT IM GETTING MILK OUT OF THE DEAL
if u follow me. ..and ur display name is "bazinga man".. you had better FUCking be the real bazinga man before I unscrew youre head &amp; SHIT D
as hte real life #AlexFromTarget, i'd like to thank you all for liking the picture of me,aand announce my support for president jeb bush2016
"my posts are more..i think.. self aware than most other peoples posts. Im also nice to everybody" -dril, visionary Disruptor; while smoking
i think it is good to vote, unless it is inconvenient, or boring to do so. then it might be very bad. i'm sorry for doing politics om here.
i don't believe in making beer in huge metal vats. they should make it in cups,  for me to drink it out of, when I want to,
i believe in " inject steroids into infants ". i believe in " WAsh your damn car ". i believe in " #PregnantHogGate ". i believe in " koopa"
establishment cocksuckers wiping their a$$es every time they shit, while the windbag toilet paper lobbyist crooks roll around in blood money
Dear Applicant,\nWe regret to inform you that Guinness no longer publishes the world record for "World's Tiniest Ass", because it was too sad
We Live IN A Country Where Football Players Are Given Helmets For Free But I Have To Buy A Helmet At The Store Because Im A Regular Person .
i would like to remind our nation's youth to burn their mcdonald abd burger king cups after use so mobsters cant hide IEDs in them
Personality: Good friend for anyone, will help someone in need, not foul with language.\nDislikes: People who ridiculize Lucario (I really ha
man wearing nothting but socks doing back flip kicks into his tv because there are too many batman shows
[crying[ i just want to seay.. it takes a lot of courage for the cashiers to thank me for shopping at wal mart.. but it iw well appreciated,
proud to announce that after 30 years as a slave on my uncle's fishing vessel i no longer wish to fuck the post cereals honey-comb wanter
remember not to die on halloween so you dont turn into w pumpkin
haivng the xbox controller vibrate in my lap for 14 hours a day has rendered me sterile , low - t , and betagender
ive decided that nudity is acceptable if irt's done for artistic reasons, like, promoting a mattress store,
im sorry for doing jokes about the blue checkmark. i need it very badly to protect myself from villains right now
would like to know why my eBay account has been replaced by dead ladybugs. user name is "good_and_bad_days_haver_1963"
my great-grandfather died protecting his farm from a pack of coyotes. i died from overexerting myself in a money booth at blizzcon
the president has never once been filmed taking a bath. he is presumably very filthy
you walked across the entire great wall?? well one time i pushed my dick into my body with my thumb, got scared about halfway in and stopped
farm boss: yyoure so good at cleaning the pigs' ass holes. please let us pay you\nme: no. i won't allow my work to be corrupted by the dolar.
pavlov thinks hes good just because he can make dogs drool with bells. mean while I can make dogs howl insanely just by taking my Ass out
Spipe tv
foflks i want to tell you all about icecold pepsi. its good to drink that &amp; top it off with a crest whitestrip while jacking off in your car
i wish i had my baby teeth back. those were the good 90s teeth
(being trampled to death by panicking crowd) hah. look at these dumb fucks. they think im part of a floor. they dont even realize im a human
*enrolls in psychology major*\nfinnally. this will give me the upper hand in dealing with trolls\n*fails all courses*\ncollege is fake actually
"Spike TV should put on a slideshow of your most celebrated posts, accompanied by a tasteful, easy listening soundtrack."\nwell, This is true
sometimes bags of food say the true shit that were all afraid to 
i can confirm that the candid photos on Darknet of me eating a breakfast wrap are real. and i will issue an apology for the trouble i caused
rubbinb hand sanitizer all over my loud mouthed pet birds
THIS IS AMERICAN AIR LINES. WE DROPPED YOUR SHITTY COWBOY BRA INTO THE OCEAN EN ROUTE TO ISRAEL. IT SHATTERED INTO 100000 SHARDS LIKE A PIG.
girl or something: wtf did you jUst say. sounded like "xbone fail". did you just say"xbone fail" at me.\nme: (purple-faced refusal to answer)
a 38 year old man who is dressed like a school shooter is here too pick up his vitality supplements .
i tried to open a kissing booth where people spit in my Fucking face instead of kissing me but they eventually started refusing to pay m e
convinced that about 98
 of my followers and favs are all from one awful man who is taunting me becuase I spoke ill of orange julius in 2011
if any of you have any tips or tricks about how to make the queen ant shit ant honey into my mouth, email me at LongLegsGustin@bisquick.com
which film or work of art rujined my life the most. im going to have to say men and black 2.
i envisioned last night an older, wiser austin powers engaging a group of young adults about the evils of sex. hollywood, the world is ready
that three stooge thing where you run around in circles on the floor horizontally is actually a vital component of my yakuza training
all dressed up in my little tuxedo and ready to sacrifcie my self to isis
allow me to reiterate.. im on the side that is the least mad. whichever one that is right now. nobody knows whos more mad at this point.
AH.  ONCE AGAIN IM RAKED THRU THE COALS AND TORTURED TO DEATH FOR HAVING A NORMAL PERSONS OPINON. FUCK OFF
in conclousion, there's some action packed heavy hitter s in the world of games being released soon,  and I hope you all buy them.  Bye
maybe sometimes both sides... are good and bad at the same time??? im sorry if im doing this wrong. it is difficult to write
to truly under stand the #gamergate ... we must first ask ourselves.... "What.. Is.. Gamer..." **gazeing into the fire place*
ass someone who owns BOTH next gen consoles, as a actual murderer with every halo displayed on my mantle, i've the final word of gamer gate,
night time falls. im "corie latin" now. a man of intrigue. i place a bird feather into my glass of scotch and i never do posts about my dick
it is important to remember to empty the recycle bin on your desk top every once in a while if you delete a lot of files
male model: washing my luxurious long hair is so boring. i wish my entire body was bald like you\nme: Now the healing can begin
its sunday morning which means u boys better either be in church or staying home because of another gynecomastia flare up like the poster me
Auh.. Beer! Theres nothing LIKE it!  123 cups of scalding hot Beer on my office desk. Dont spill it now, it's good.
JAMES BOND: (Shoots his gun at the screen in the intro and murders me)\nME: Now that;s cinema
difficult 4 average joe like me to schedule some time to "Jack Off"  arounf here; with all these tragic anniversaries fucking my calendar up
micheal_jackson_gets_horny_on_jeopardy.swf
HERE WE GO BOYS !!! 
who wants t o read some extremely embarrassing opinions about how i believbe the @mtn_dew twitter account was taken over by a false dew fan
**instnatly teleports 1000 years into the future where theres millions of new things to have good opinions about* HUUhhauih, .. Uh.. BLuahgh
pleased to report my custom beer tap that makes a dramatic diarrhea noise while filling the glass is a hit with the boys at the fondue club
(sees parking for electric vehicles, does the smug grin/shaking head thing) what's next? ? parking for circus clown cars?
for my dedication to the brand. . ive decided to treat myself to an affordable vacation package in ssplendid, extraordinary "quicksand hell"
i click online expecting praise from mny contemporaries. instead i get an ass pic on my monitor and i immediately start wheezing into my lap
im going to urinate all m y damn cum out.. dont read this if youre Male
some children get really angry if you tell them that all nasa astronauts are cigarette smokers, but its true
i would really like to wipe this spilled chili off of me but all my towels are fucked up right now
I will follow back
You Won't Believe How Many Legs That Spiders Have
fifty two year old mamn hides underneath a tarp at work and jacks off to the same cartoon characters he did when he was thirty years younger
FBI AGent: We have given u a new identity because of the death threats your bad posts get you. Youre Tim Crap now\nMe (as Tim Crap now): Cool
Ever felt so annoyed to the point where you just say fuck to everything ?
please donate medicine to my boy son kim jong-un, who was assaulted by a fawn &amp; became too sick to attend the royal korean spaghetti banquet
please pray for the safety and health of my beautiful child, supreme leader kim jong-un
SARGE: WAT IS YOUR MAJOR MALFUNCTION SOLIDER !!\nThe Impervious Millennial: im Gay sir. I eat shit. Bazinga\nSARGE: I... CANT... BREAK... HIOM
hello unionized jackhammer fuckers. could you please go repair some other road?? im trying to suck my wife off
the "Seems To Me" collection by @Dril. Thank you for reading it
seems to me.. sometimes... you just have to say speak the true things which remain unspoken.
seems to me like im more and more the only person on this site who tweets wiht Integrity.
huge amounts of vomitting hav.e, made me good at howling
i want to become a master plumber so i can make shit rain on my enemies
please enter the wooded area behind hardee`s when you are ready to be lectured about using corn cob holders by a fervently diapered imbecile
my wonderful beer men @BeerManJohn @BeerManSteve @BeerManCraig @BeerManMax @BeerManLeo @BeerManRick @BeerManTim @BeerManChris @BeerManDan
i wear the crown of thorns before every time i click submit . . .
if a sniper shot me i owuld run over to where he is and kick the gun out of his hand and kill him because hes not specialized in melee fight
ah, i can smell it,. its just about ready. *opens the oven up and pulls out a sshitty burnt up ritz cracker*  my perfect boy's lunch
nice shoes idiot. nice pants. nice head. nice face. nice legs. nice feet and mouth. nice eyes. nice dick, ass, hands, tongue, ears, uh, neck
stonehenge actually sucks and i hope someone pushes those rocks the hell over real soon
the massive pair of black angel wings that i wear to the gym fucking stink like shit now and they wont fit into the washing machine either
it may not be necessary for me to reply to every post on my feed with "I Agree" ,b but it is appreciated and nice, and I will never stop
pleasse read the article "Why I Choose To Masturbate" by Mutant Turd for truly valuable insight into the mind of the common masturbator
hello folks. country singer tim mcgraw here. thank you for listening to all of my songs 
whuh?? isis is good/? **slams face into monitor leaving a head-shaped hole* Whammo. Fuck off
looking around with high-tech goggles that display everyone's raw denim stats on a sleek HUD. i'm screaming because they're fused to my head
Im at town hall getting a permit to have e xtremely bad opinions about guitars
now im a man whos been eating his fuckin spaghetti, i tell you what for damn sure. tghat being said, toilet paper needs to be about 3x wider
(pics of hole in wall) thats what happen when i got very pissed off by the sports radio caller saying the football players should run slower
i dont follow anyone on this site, my feed is the pinnacle of cultural purity, i look at the blank goddamn page&amp; blow kisses at it furiously
Tracks:\n1.Let me take my gallon bottle of pepto on planes\n2.The Catholic Church is on some Mike Jackson shit\n3.There is too many restaurants
judges are bullshit, your honor
my timeline.. is my empire. oftentimes i find my self scrolling through it and just taking it all in;, feeling little to no shame whatsoever
im rwriting a script about a smart and handsome army man cop who murders civilians but wants to stop murdering civilians because hes in love
Why is there anger on this world.  In year 2014. You savage , hateful, ugly thing's
everyone giving me shit over the teen things I said is mad because im able to conSistently put up the good opinions before them &amp;get the RTs
youngsters are all fucked up due to elevated levels of incest that occurred during reagan-era protests. thats why theyre hooked on cellphone
as a 46 year old teen I would like to apologize to all old dudes on behalf of the teen generation, for decades of gangsterism and nonsense,
some people say that area 51 is a jail for aliens. i say its where the army keeps their best guns
i am not going to post pictures of the oilive oil after i shit it out, as that would be unsafe for work
to my mates online: im raising $1900 so i can drink a ton of olive oil to see if it turns to shit when i shit it out or just stays olive oil
remember to always have samples of urine, shit, semen and blood attached to your belt to avoid wasting the doctor';s time if you get sick
tactical knuckle man
watch what happesn when a man with nothing to lose collides with 4000 "babe the Pig" commemorative plates piled next to a sears dumpster
is it true that the ebola man works at a @cocacola plant. it would be fucked up if he touched the cans and shit,
later that night, i post "the btk killer fuckin sucks" on the official guestbook of peep marshmallow. my opst is then removed by a moderator
the btk killer spits in my god damn face. the impact cuases my neck to whiplash and separate 2 of my vertebrae. i flip him the bird but good
underwhelm by social media..posted 6 pics of my clean mouth, fresh from dentist,but ppl are more interested in yapping at their shit friends
every little thing that U do......\nBaby im amazed by U... 
my putty stance. fuck all putty 
[(launches sack;s of burning medical waste into the side of someones house for having a bird feeder on their porch)] Fucking Bird Helper
i vow to continue improving my Posture uuntil my chest consumes the earth
no. no it is too soon. ignore my previous tweet please
society is changing, constantly ggrowing and improving, and i think it is time for spider-man to show his dick
when the war ended, my grandpa was spit upon but kept his pride—it is in this spirit that i choose to carry the burden of Gamer . #GamerGate
have a lunch
looking for news on Iran
mmy appreciation of pat sajaks wardrobe is extremely well known; and is the only aspect of my life that is not shrouded in complete disgrace
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.\nME: I agree
maybe instead of a toaster they shoul call it a "Toast cooker" #normalMansThoughts
please stop sending pictures of girls urinating to my house. it ws funny when i was 16 but now it is affecting my standing within the church
worse than goldman sachs: secret tapes of me bleating like a shit-covered animal because time magazine refuses to publish my meemes
plaese help my loathsome son find a professional who will tattoo the cheesecake factory logo onto his chest with no backtalk or  jokes
im so insanely hyperintelligent from spending 14hrs a day absorbing Twitter knowledge that im no longer amused by nmovies about 3d animals
my name is Destyn. i build crossbows and sell weed to all your dads and im 15
listen son, if someone calls you a horses ass, you look him in the eye and tell him "horses asses are actually incredibly strong, and clean"
i love haivng my face and head spit shined by army men while i am trying to play rpgs professionally and efficiently in my beanbag chair
measure to approve massive depressing statue in the center of town depicting an emaciated mayor carrying a boulder that says "My Sons" on it
archeologists in the year 4500 AD dig up a massive gym locker containing mummies of the 15 nerds who visited my website using a nintendo wii
"peppa pig" is the latest children's TV show that my followers cant wait to see ripped to shreds by my high IQ intelligence, live on my feed
"Device Lets Fully Paralyzed Rats Walk Again" -bunkum. i for one will not put up with this resurgence of walking rats and my followers agree
yell prayers to the lord our god 
it is with a heavy heart that i must announce that the celebs are at it again
((frowning) cause im the Apps Man (depression) YEah yeah im the apps man
everyone on this site thinks they're hard core but i bet if they took poison to weaken their bodies i would win fights against them handily
HandsomeTruthTeller,\nYour YouTube account has been suspended for the following reasons: Extortion, Treason,
"i think that, if every American had a math book in his hand, instead of the big gulp, we would be in a better place, of the country." -Dril
hank williams jr fired from his new job of yelling in front of a chrysler dealership for calling esteemed justice sonia sotomayor a Swindler
"All My Rowdy Friends Are Coming Over Tonight" is a song written and recorded by American country music performer Hank Williams, Jr
my dick hits all the wrong notes and smells like newsPaper
==ultimate mom pics==
Hell is Real 
"[Tipping] is...the last refuge of toads" - Thomas Jefferson\n"Do not tip the waitress" - Monroe\n"i dont tip bitch. Reblog this" - John Adams
i see this well has run dry. time to saddle up and mosey along #TheProcess 
fuck you. dont you know who i am.  im the big palooka who eats frozen dumplings on 24/7 live cam while people clal the swat team on me
Monsanto Yes #MonsantoYes
Beat the shit out of the football.  Beat the shit out of the football.  Beat the shit out of the football. 11 43 22 36 hothothothot
im about to get my piss tested for steroids. if they find steroids in there then ill start drinking it instead of going to the steroid store
twittter posts a net loss of hundreds of millions of dollars each year just while i post highfalutin messages about my dick and ass
boy's in summertime... 
sometimes i wonder what this place would be like if i wasnt around to call bull shit on all the jokers... probably the 9/11 crater but worse
imagine how fucked uop it would be to have a brain and be able to form thoughts
im a fruad. i wear the wrangler jeans despite never having wrangled a single goddamn thing in my life
#SendMeToDerpConBecause im Rat
i attached a middle finger to each blade of my ceiling fan and i make it spin even when it's cold inside because it looks very much bad ass
mmy masters in agricultural science was just deemed invalid after footage arose of me dying
i was better in the 90s before my account was bought by the actual ku klux klan &amp; placed in a granite sphere surrounded by castrated pikemen
my father is a coach of football , best sport in the nfl, and i will kill you if you put onions in my salad
what donest kill me makes me stronger ((gains infinite strength from being not killed by infinite things))
dont even know how people are able to engage Thought Leaders on here with all these trollsters, hoopla rousers and clowny boys running loose
people think people smoke weed because it tastes good. well i'm here to tell you that people like it because it gets you drunk asap
"WORM ASS" national prison made me into the man i am today. i would still be desecrating crypts be it not for the fine policemen of worm ass
there's currently an image of an unidentified nude man making the rounds on several online circuits. please beware
you can put truck nuts on other things besides trucks idiot
and now to tackle celebrity tom cruise's claims that I look like "an eggplant with progeria". **crracks knluckles* that's uh, a fallacy
thinking of getting 1 of those Yes icons on my avatar so I can just point to it when people ask me if im strong enough to carry my adult son
im developing an app called "mr. beer". you can use it to ask mr. beer if beer is his favorite drink and he might say yes. mr. beer 2015
"my daughter is dying. Help"\nno. i wil never sellout\n"kfc's making a burrito out of pigeon turds. hit us up with that signal boost"\nhell yes
i have posted at length regarding my inane balls at the cost of my family, my career and my dignity. the least you can do is rack up my Favs
im getting my rat tail chrome plated in 2015
THE BIG MONEY MAKERS BET ON ISIS EVERY TIME
THHEYRE GOING TO MAKE A LOT OF FUCKING BUILDINGS IN TH NEXST COMING YEARS SO MAKE SURE TO INVEST A LOT OF MONEY IN WOOD
*readign own timeline* holy fuckin shit this guy should be the new dick clark or something instead of posting these on the computer for free
i think if we lower the legal army age to maybe llike, 12, we will see a sharp decrease in recreational nudity
THank u all, for sharing the Online experience with me. Pretty damn good if i do say so my self. Aahh, just breathe it in. I'm illiterate
"please post more of these" "ok"
terriffic news lads. i invented my own ebola virus by lying face down on my rancid carpet 11 hours a day
#ClickingMyMouse
really lookjing forward to going through puberty again and becoming a cop
i may be a dim-witted narcissist but at least i hafve really good opinions about life and other things
(Whimsical) i love to piss , right there in my big sweatpants (Serious) No. The toilet is the only place for piss
im making a good version of "sky captain and the world of tomorrow" called "sky captain caveman killer"
**kicks a plant over because of something a celeb did* fucking ass hole *vomits into the refrigerator because the new iphone is bad* shit
grinning like a shit eating bastard on the bus because i found the exact combination of words that will obliterate budweiser when i tweet it
hell of a week folks.  first the apple press conference fails to impress me and now it's 9/11. whats next
Some may say iim considered, the Bad Boy of controversy
the latest from rex freeway 
film your wives you god damn morons. im paying top dollar for wife footage
dick stuck in a moth ball
please contact your cybersenators and tell them to tear down the bad computers
sick of our media's unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
#AboveCowards
list of activities enhanced by fingerless gloves: advanced keyboard &amp; mouse manipulation, burying face in hands, wiping my as, pointing
koko the talking ape.. has been living high on the hog, wasting our tax dollars on high capacity diapers. No more. i will suplex that beast,
climmbing the power lines until i am less pissed off
i see how ti is. i provide the best content online to all my girl followers but when i ask to live with them for free they leave me for DEAd
looking for cheap vacations
leaked footage of me taking my dick off and puttingg it in a glass of polident on my nightstand before bed
i cough and sneeze into the toilet like a smart adult
bazooka joe... habve you seen this guy. fuck him. he talks shit even though his comic strip is printed on garbage instead of a newspaper
adult man stuck in glue trap given a stern talking-to from his rich uncle
this brief column about portion control written by the voice actor of "Gumby" will chane your life...
DivorceLiker
"THe Beatles" have been cancelled, everyone. they will be replaced by me standing on stage for an hour, making my dick shrink on command
cant wait until work is over so i can stop sitting in front of this monitor and sit in front og the monitor at home which is 3 inches bigger
i have reported the nude celebs to the Motion Picture Association of America, and the oscars. the situation is under control thanks to me
sick of hearing about the head honcho. what aobut the legs honcho. or the ass honcho. that's my opinion on honcho. thank you for reading it
indonesian pirates raid my yacht and find me on the floor fucking a styrofoam container
head fully immersed in kfc bucket filled with hidden valley ranch dressing and m&amp;ms. brand engagement locked in at one hundred percent
proof of same...... 
DAD: your baby brothers missing, please put down the controller. help us find him\nME: Did u read the news. Gaming is a legitinmate hobby now
inexperienced shit taker here. need someone to hold my hands while i squat to ensure i dont fall backwards into my own mess. preferably girl
i pay $5000 for a high end cpu just to get disrespected on my own god damn feed
lets piSS UP A TOWN!! Everoryone reading this, lets all choose one small town randomly and publicly urinate all over it. Combine our piss
"insane clown posse? ?" Hm. *smirking, now* Sounds like a certain web site, that i see
everyone who says my dick looks like a marshmallow has obviously never seen one before. do marshmallows have urethras in them, or balls?? no
i am actually the first guy who came up with the "aliens who smoke weed" joke, back in 2011
tyler durden and the Joker and 007 agent james bond take turn beating up my ex-wifes car while i say "Cool" and "This is fine"
(does some notes on a guitar) I Have been through my life a good man. I am a clever man (does some more notes and fucks it up) I m nice too
i am selling six beautfiul, extremely ill, white horses. they no longer recognize me as their father, and are the Burden of my life
obama needs  to stop writing constitutions or whatever and help my failing business sell rat hair to imbeciles
"the definition of shuriken is extremely broad &amp; encompasses any thrown weapon. a chair can be shuriken, for instance. a birdbath"-UncleHalo
i support UncleHalo's idea to replace the united states penny with shuriken
Although listed as a baby cowboy hat it is actually more the size for a 5-6 year old child. Needlessly to say, I returned it for a refund.
wow i just dropped a bowling ball &amp; out of all the billions of places it could have landed it hit me straight in the dick #GlitchInTheMatrix
grandmom kicked me out of the house because she caught me waterboarding an extremely small man
HOT NEW VID -- CYBERDUNCE EVISCERATED BY ERROR PROMPT ON LAPTOP -- #TOPFAILS -- #TOPAWKWARD - FUCKING IDIOT - WATCH HIM CLICK "OK"
if i had a billion dollars id get wall-to-wall carpeting in my bathroom and donate the rest of it to the army
attn: fucked up t-shirts incorporated-- get me a tweety bird with devil horns saying "I refuse to pay for a car wash"
i call this next 18-tweet series "The Ice Bucket Challenge, But With Piss, Instead"
cant wait to dip a paint roller in my preferred brand of beer and suck it like a big yeti dick
im trapped undermeath thousands of hissing metal pipes but im, still going to do my updates on here
i burned 100 extra calories today just by thinking aobut asses
i hae received my 3rd warning about squeezing the toilet paper too hard at the store. acme markets has declared war on my strength training
by ripping my phone book in half I have not only proven im strong, but that Im also a cool independent guy who doesn't need to call anybody
the cops need poison stun knives so they ca n arrest me harder, and every police cruiser should contain a coffin full of beer #MyNiceOpinion
im actualy, probably, the most superbly relatable and normal person in this jail cell as of right NOw
let's talk about planes now. the pilots are flying them up too damn high. it's dangerous. I don't like it. got to make them lower
sometimes it seems like i'm the only person who cares about, intelligence-related things, on the entire online.
detective sherlock holmes examines my crass pud with a magnifying glass and calls it a piece of shit
people shoot me a lot of Grief just because my wife is a stolen bar urinal with yogi bear's face printed abovbe the drain,. and they should
most undergarments were invented and popularized by religious folk who deemed that jeans and denim were too sacred to touch the ass directly
spike tv is showing some good vids of dudes urinating and im stuck here at work yelling at saudi arabians on the phone for $156.00 an hour
15 reasons why Comcast,m the company voted the worst in america, is actually the best one, and Here's Why:
i basically love to catch all the shit that falls off of peoples hamburgers with one of those tiny nets they use to scoop up goldfish
100
 body fat, 49 year old, normal Male. good at turning purple while lifting boulders and dropping them in ex-wife's driveway. Army strong
my dick touched the floor by accident. im a god damned foolish imbecile
let's be real. they should mkae a less ignorant version of the teen choice awards, and i should win one of them for coming up with the idea.
yeah thats right babe... im in the shower right niow.. wearing nothin but a neon green tracksuit, and some belts
blurays is a game changer. look for the bluray disks, at the store.
going to be doing some extremely powerful introspective poses on the railroad track for the next couple hours, so please cancel all trains
CONFIRmed in corocoro magazaine: "Donkey kong is Diddy kong's Mom". gamers i can assure you this is the most tantalizing gender scandal yet.
this guys losin his mind.  theres just so much quality shit on here 
custom long john silvers gift certificate that says "Partyboy" on it plealse
oop, autocorrect got me. what i meant to say was "i cant wait to eat shit right out of the sewer and suck some outrageously gay clown dicks"
one, of, the , reasons, my, dick, is, not, good, is, because, there, are, stains, on, it,
im sorry but if you continue to spit tobacco down my exposed ass crack I will be forced to stop unclogging your garbage disposal for no pay
(shoots all whistleblowers with the doom 2 bfg gun) thats what u get for disrespecting your jobs &amp; bosses amd making a mockery of Employment
KLEBOLD: Wtf is this shit\nHARRIS: "Wii Sports Resort"? U call urself a gamer?\nLANZA: ...\nKLEBOLD: Get these fuckin trashbags off the windows
bring me your dead pet and i will make a sword out of it for $39
attn : man with "Pedobear" car decal who cut me off at 70mph on i-295 -- nicely donme. Superb
"my mario tip:  Anything is possible in the world of Mario." - my mario tip
seeing the hospital workers dreessed in pajamas?? like "seriously?" im a sleepys mattress professional. id get killed for wearing that trash
bonberman
nerd with lame attitude: North Korea is bad\nMe: Have you ever lived there.\nnerd: (his glasses fall off)\nMe: Catch you later
i think police should get extensive background checks so that i can hire all fo the most insane, mentally ill cops as my personal bodyguards
do speak to me about the economy, Cuisine trends, and middle east things. dont speak to me abou joe dirts balls, and killing me.
"durr lets leberage each others brands" "dahh okay" ((the two men rub their asses together while licking the screens of their web tablets)
cant wait til my teeth fall out so i can get those new gamer dentures that all the chatrooms are screaming about
thje opening riff of "Life In The Fast Lane" repeats over and over forever while me and the boys shoot at a septic tank with airsoft rifles
ive narrowed it down to the church of scientology &amp; the united states marines. whichever one allows me to jerk off more wins the tiebreaker
whats the job where you dress up like a michelin man and get attacked by vicious dogs. anyway thats the thing i spent $800000 at college for
breastfeed a celeb today
im really mad that we as a society constantly allow our celebs to starve to death in the creul and unforgiving wilderness
S.O.S Save Our Selebs
very concerned about celeb s
you've disgraced the uniform of Police. hand me your badge, gun, hat, knife, belt buckle, cowboyboots, laser whip, bullet purse, cock ring,
kkkjoiner asserts that theres a secret mcdonalds buried under the school and it sells guns too. thats uh, made up. thats a big crack of shit
The b est shit I ever did was shatter all the windows in a room just by doing a perfect somersault
heads up: they got free toilets at mcdonalds now
you are my commander and ch ief... always.. always.. 
if by some circumstance i was given the winning lotery numbers, i would not use them, for the lottery is a sacred institution #GoodBoyThings
instead of fumbling around with a wallet i like to carry my cash and credit cards in a huge green trash bag bulging out of my shirt pocket
it would be somewhat fucking good if all the girls on this site printed my avatar out and started kiissing it ,as a joke
i do not know the official name of the pringles man. but it is NOT "bruce pringles", as the trolls often assert,
the pringles man is the ghost of uncle pennybag, the monopoly man. this is the first opinion ive ever posted so please be gentle. #BrandLore
jay leno does not urinate in his cars. do not put that idea in my head. i would die protecTing jay lenos cars from urine
i had my jeans bronzed as an infant.  and they still fit mother fucker
foghorn leghorn argentino unofficial
in hell you are forced to smoke weed
i want to take one of those cruises where people shit right there on the boat but apparently they only happen randomly as a surpris,e
dominating thte buffet table with a pair of Sai
spending my weekend retooling a joke about fucking the tiny hole in the bathroom sink that prevents the water level from increasing toom uch
[apps help us day to day in our lifes... but some men have twisted the apps to fulfill their oqwn selfish desires. beware these 'dark apps']
awfully bold of you to fly the Good Year blimp on a year that has been extremely bad thus far
nice smart car. now about im going to murder it with my cow boy whip
"auuahuhuh" some nerd who wears glasses probably right now
bread has never been good. let it be known on here that i will never eat the shit food bread.
(crying now ) my friend QuiznosMale needs lijke 2000 sq ft of carpet by thursday and none of you are helping him with the carpet
Hell Yes;. the army is putting me and my guns on a plane back to iraq. Thius is like real life DLC
i got a big wet piece of corn and the cob in my bindle and i cant wait to run it over with my truck after im done chewing on it
i am going to plunge a sword into our bed and officially end outr 40 yr marriage if you do not stop yelling while i am recording my stream's
being in full control of tthe shit that shows up on my computer monitor makes me feel like a sort of twisted conductor. .. or perhaps,  God.
when the trolls have my internet access removed i will not allow that to end the content flow. i will nail my insipid "Tweets" to my car
iwant to outfit the scope on my sniper rifle with net flicks
to the longhorn steakhouse which refused to serve me: a bib most certainly counts as a shirt
a "keg" is teenspeak for a large barrel of the vile drug known as "Beer". they can be as tall as 12 ft and are often used to crush policemen
when will the supreme court weigh in on people who jack off to feet
Doctor: Gaming will one day kill u, Vance.\nVance: I Dont care and im going to murder you\nDoctor: I am willing to die to make you stop gaming
by day i'm a mild mannered toilet specialist, but when i pick up the contorller i become Vance Hardgamer, rreal life murderer extraordinaire
scorlling through massive amounts of online clutter empowers me
nice no true scotsman fallacy. hm, typical tu quoque fallacy. ah, the classic "grab me by the ears &amp; crack my face with your knee" fallacy,
i call evbery four-legged animal I see a dog and I am correct more often than not so I will never stop
they should make dunce caps that have positive reaffirming words on them,  like "speed demon" or "Wolf"
going to burn dOwn my power lines and go off the grid for a bit until all the smug butthurt  drama fedorra script kiddy fanboys take a hike,
all girls on this website... im here to protect u from online swearing... pleae... please understand..
llove saying "damn"
some times it's the small things that are good #Truth_In_Life #Deals #Abominable 
please remember to click on the things i post here to see how many favs they got and to sneak a peek at the buzz that they are generating.
(i shoot you with massive plasma cannon that sounds like a jet endgine when i shoot it and turns you into blood instantly)suprise fuck face!
barney doesnt actually die. he just becomes more and more obscured by bulletholes until i close the window. hes still smiling. fuck this app
i weawr blackface while i game to improve performance. i have no intention of racist. That will be the final post before i turn my phone off
im going to have to put the tiny padlock next to my username until people stop oppenly disparaging the Food Pyramid
ive accepted that i will have to reincarnate into shitty microorganisms like 50 quadrillion times before i become something cool like an ant
i love having molotov cocktails trown at me in the cyber cafe-- not. idiot
kfc sextuple down is back. pieces of lettuce and tomato encased in perfect cube of processed bird. "The most vile fucking thing imaginable"
((speaking too close to the microphone at press conference)I have never watched a single episode of the Teletubbies. They look like fools
a man does a wheelie past you in a motorcycle. the back of his jacket says "TAKE DOWN THE POSTS"
please stop saying barnum &amp; bailey is suing me for "stealing their clown routine". they are suing me for very serious and legitimate reasons
fucking.. actual yes 
lvoe to perform aerial leg drops on the referee
i left a diaper filled with pulled pork at 1 randomly selected radio shack in the united states. whoever finds it gets to #BringHomeTheBacon
the only crime dick cheney committed was being born into a world where goofusmouths are allowed to flap their gumms at true mighty armymen
U have accepted an E-kiss from "ShirtRemover". U have accepted an E-kiss from "ShirtRemover". U have accepted an E-kiss from "ShirtRemover".
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
i did certainly tilt my entire hosue 45 degrees just so i could install a zipline from my orthopedic gamer cushion to the toilet
surgury to become japanese. Surgeruy to become Japanese
unfollow
Doctor Who: Fucking athesit piece of shit. Admit god is real NOW*Waterboards him*\nAtheist: No!! I dont want to \nDr Who: Im going to kill you
im crying because doctors banned the cure for low T again
you gotta cut the shrimp down the middle to get that good turd out,
FULLY IMMERSED IN THE TIME LINE-- AH DEAR LORD
advising everyone on this dumb ass website not to block me to ensure that my sub par written word can reach your grubby shit smeared devices
the emerald nuts corporation deducts my pay substantially for each death thrreat i receive so please stop it
i will skewer the trolls at last by scanning a legal document whichc states that it is entirely permissible for me to weep openly at perkins
i get dozens of compliments about my perfect ears every day. it's llike Shut the fuck up. Im trying to eat a bagel in my car and you do this
i am indeed a friend to sports. let everyone who claims that i am not a friend to sports face the grin reaper
i can't post the reason i need a wife from this website by june 30 because that info is private. grow the fuck up. all of u
ok. i basicly need one of the girls on this website to marry me by june 30 and i am absolutely under zero obligation to send you pics of me,
my combat jeans deflect most bow and arrows shots and also prevent me from thinking about sex
good to online shop 
feeling extremly threatened by gamerscores
if you like the band sex pistols you will also enjoy my band called "the gun pistols"
Respectfully, The Tim Hortons Nihilist
i'm going to be the one who makes a "got milk" parody so good that everoyne forgives me for trying
attention all cops on reddit who have murdered people ; was it Awkward? what gun did you use. did you get a promotion
i live for the tears of all baby huey fanboys. their suffering is more essential to my being than the blood flowing through my veins
oh whatd this?? another death threat in my inbox? well know this,  i fear a world of subpar bird tyranny more than death
i will nevr add baby huey to the famous bird list. he wouldnt even make top 40. i will NOT back down on this, U obnoxious, ungrateful pricks
please God if you're out there I ask that you turn my praying hands into bird seed so that I can no longer bother you with dumb ass reqUests
i did eat an ant farm once
(fantasizing about dangling off hood of my moving car adn touching the truck nuts on the jeep in front of me with tongue) hell yea, actually
now that all of my last-gen hardware is completely obscured by Animal shit , #e3 2014 may officially begin
probably, if I got night terrors constantly id just say something like "This is fuckin cool" instead of taking all kinds of pills and shit
how would u like a taste of fuckin basooka ammo!!! or else!!
#OpenCarryGamestop 
*sees the e3 logo on a website, tthrows head back and screams the word "Epic" before immediately defaulting to aberrant emotionless state*
most famous birds: \n1.Krfc  \n2. talking parrot who said "i love you" the night he died\n3. thanksgiving turkey\n4. tweety bird\n4(Tie). Phoenix
two truths &amp; a lie: (1) i use the fatsuit from big momma house 2 as a corset (2) im in trouble at the dump (3) please dont reprint this info
just the other day i was taking a bath and i saw a tiny tugboat in there leaving a chemtrail. i told it to fuck off. im a green beret gunman
will e3 have designated crying booths. im sick of crying in the bathroom where people shit.
but enough about my dick. today, I would like to talk to all of you about the Toilet.
Im goig to drive a nail through my cock to promote ABC's "The Middle"", and I will be paid $18 for doing it.
kudos to FX for promoting a tweet with horrible eyeball gore for some bad tv show aand pissing off a bunch of ladies 
a series of incurable skin conditions have caused my dick to look like Darth Maul's dick, and that's the only good thing about me
.@KonamiCodeKnower i know yorure online. i know you've been stealing handfuls of gravel from my driveway and hiding them in your big shirt
casually discarding styrofoam container filled with buffalo wing remnants into the passing stroller of a baby
as torrents of horse piss splatter clamorously onto my forehead I scream in absolute torment but make no attempt to move or cover my face
dont really care if my gaming chamber has black Mold all over it.. ill just curpstomp pubbies with my shirt pulled up over my nmose
i would sooner die than relinquish ownership of my dale carnegie mousepad to either of my fat sons
i attribute the complete failure of my brand to the actions of detractors,  oor my "trolls", as it were, as well as my own constant fuckups
im joining the army and then im joining ufc if im not too fucked up from the army. and thats the cold facts
just kidding. i'm normal intelligence
let's all kick the BTK killer's ass, all of us who make the good tweets,. we've got to meet up and beat the BTK killer's ass and go on dates
blocked. blocked. blocked. youre all blocked. none of you are free of sin
i'm pisser #1 
checking my computer chiar for GPS Trackers, left by ex-wife or cops
copy puste this if you think that rhinos can kick humans ass ,even if humans are using the guns.
my nudes.. have strengthened my brand. apparently barkeepers glue them to the back of their urinals to stop people from pissing on the floor
"if youu die in hell you die in real life" - demon philosopher matthew
the wise man bowed his head solemnly and spoke: "theres actually zero difference between good &amp; bad things. you imbecile. you fucking moron"
ANGRRY FUCKIN BIRDS.... HOLY... I CAN'T EVEN. .
just me again reminding all of you seriousyl dumb motherfuckers to get your daily sperm count. some of you are walking around with weak cum.
cleanning my assault rifles with wads of toilet paper
infinite amount of alternate universes where i shit my pants during my wedding which will only go away if i break stephen hawking's computer
"oh this?? im only wearing this shit in case i need something to wipe my ass with"-something i just said to impress all my shirtless friends
oh and also thanks for the troops
and dildos do not count. any schmuck can put a dildo in its mouth. that is the coward's method
regarding hideous new happy meal box: has anyone put their dick in its mouth and took a pic yet. will they send me coupons for being the 1st
the onl thing i can drink without vomiting anymore is diet peach snapple mixed with skim milk and breadcrumbs
water is fucking gross. it tastes like nothing. assholes drink it
baby food > cat food > human food > dog food. just the oipinion of me
THE COMMON IMBECILE: the movie "cars 2" is better than the movie "cars 1" \nME: alas this nation has truly gone, to the dogs!!!!
sorry grandma. your laptop was good but i shattered it into 1 million shards after i saw someone say SEO stood for "shit eater optimization"
if youre that guy who emailed me last month asking to be my "intern" come forward so me &amp; my rich friends can smack tennis balls at your ass
interseting.  it appears "emotions" were basically just rrage faces that people did in real life, before online existed,
Que es esa mierda de Mario y Luigi gays en el show de ellen?! Ahora van a joder personajes que ni son de ellos para convencer las masas?!
Que es esa mierda de Mario y Luigi gays en el show de ellen?! Ahora van a joder personajes que ni son de ellos para convencer las masas?!
My mom is watching Ellen right now and Mario and Luigi are on there and saying they are gay...what the hell is this damn country coming to
moseying up to the girl on campus and whispering in her ear "got that fuckin pizza hut p'zone in my backpac" and straining my face intesnely
i'm convinced that people only favorite my tweets so that they can use them to fuck me over in court at a later time, since they're not good
please wellcome Irony Cowbell to the world, my beautiful newborn daughter who will be named that forever
ived hacked into your beeper, champ. enjoy your inopportune beeping
i've decided to open my account back up after a brief cooldown session with lobsterfest_ralph.
this has gone too far.  im closing my account until people stop accusing me of being mad. i will also spend most of my time offline laughing
im about to loose my shit if my feed doesnt slow down with th fucking posts.  nobody could possibly read this fast. this is a travesty
my world renowned "miserable adult cam" feature has been removed due to complaints
spit takes are funny but if you do them in real life people will call you ass hole
i am a local politician and i just want to lick this fucking ridiculous huge lollipop without people photographing me and ruining my career
your post has bbeen Hotbugged by DipShitx666
"________ favorited a photo you were tagged in "  SDONT YOU FUCKING DARE
just made a cool $30.00 from leting scientists hook me up with electrodes and watch me Game for 16 hours #IsThisHeaven
"hello 911 I need a moat dug around my house immediately"\n"sir this line is for emergencies only"\n"Thuis is an emergency moat"
i know thiis isnt the popular circle jerk opinion,  but people who swear while speaking to the 911 operator are gross
probably like 4 of the wildfires from the news were caused by my shitty extension cords used for Nature Gaming. ha ha ha sorry firefighter's
my guest bathroom has 99 fake toilets and one real toilet and i use it to test the toilet abilities of all my guests
boycott all games that don't let me play as a cop
who ever told me that kim dot com's secret doge coin stash was bureid under the roof of my house is an idiot. i just dug a hole to. my house
please contact me if you own one of the six corporations who controls 90
 of the american media or if you're of the dragen race
ass is the most poisonous part of the human
my mansion sucks
ive already accepted that im going to hell because I mispronounced church as "gurtch" once
im tierd of extroverts crucifying me and my cool introvert friends
confidently reclining in my seat after calling my onlinw adversary a "shitbarn"
my opponent's eccentricities are well known. hes probably the one who drank bird bath. he is on record as calling birdbath water "bird juice
the latest rumor ;which i dont even care to discuss or give a shit about, is that i was seen drinking out of a bird bath on easter sunday
also, the cop zone feature is done now
sorry, for a second there i thaught the real hank hill retweeted me.
(bored in apartment on two week administrative leave after nuking a 14 year old girl with a napalm launcher) THIS FUCKIN SUX !!!!!
i love to use fists, poison spray,  or gun agaisnt the citizens, depending on how mad i am
----------------\n COP ZONE\n----------------
i want to tattoo ancient Runes onto a dolphin
danzeisen: i need the logo to be a shitting ass\nquigley: but were a sports company\ndanzeisen: draw that ass up pronto 
i dont understand trash talk. i t think everyone should just agree with each other. it's easy
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
↑↑↑ U Are Now Cybernetically Engaged Via Intercom Uplink To The Realm Of TheBeerPope ↑↑↑
they just said on the news that there's a group of hooded grotto dwellers who are legally changing people's names to "Beezo" posthumously
in my version of indiana jones he shoots the boulder with a sniper rifle hundreds of times instead of running away from it
yu fucking idiot i wanted to make a sniper rifle out of those toilet paper tubes and now that theyve touched the trash theyre no good to me
billions of people are shitting and pissing everyday. it's too many. it';s poisoning the earth. consult your laywer before using the toilet
u know irt's a Monday when you rear-end a cop car and your trunk pops open, launching 500 or so jars of piss onto another cop car behind you
it is absolutely impossible to leave smartass comments on my page and lead a happy, fulfilling life at the same time. i need to believe this
the us government has its top men working day and night to invent a paper towel that is large enough to wrap me up and dispose of me
the family gathers around the PC to run a google image search for "invader zim crying"
BACOn is some fairly good and epic shit !! Wow 
My (new) Twitter value is $0, according to 
once again its up to me to take the high road. while everyones making jokes of the fat weed smoker mayor ill be whipping myself in his honor
i dont trust banks. especially the pig shaped ones
daily reminder that i wear a suit and tie daily eeven though I have not set foot in public for over 16 years #GoodBoy #Hansdome
i will say this.  when I finally ascend to the final plane of consciousness .nerds will get extremely yelled at
"guns are the most inportant weapon of our time. lock and load. see you at the Range." - anonymous
donald trump has no time to fuck. he looks at his watch and says "i could not possibly fuck at this juncture." as he powerwalks into the zoo
Sorry fucked up
It's Saturday night. Hand me the cold one fellas
popular youtube user "LunchPhreak22" often enjoys "Phreaking" his lunches by poisoning them for the amusement of his viewers
i wont let nasa sent me to mars [does the dx cross chop with guns] fuckin alright
metal chains begin to fly out of every hole of my computer while i scream like a fucking iddiot in a child's comedy film
joke's on you; i actually love being body slammed by one dozen perfect wrestlers. and my mouth isn't filled with bloodm, it's victory wine
me: i dont even care if they cancel sports\nhoward stern: Thats wild
speaking of war crimes, some say the white flag of surrender was inspired by a piece of toilet paper dangling pitifully from my ass
"Ur honor, if Mr Pibb was truly this man's uncle, then surely hed be able to dazzle us with Pibb Merch"\nJUDGE:damn he's right. No Pibb Merch
average person online: Durr!! Durr!!\nMe: That makes no sens.e Please be reasonable and not post the most inmature shit.
dis charged from the army for doing memes too much
please check out my new article "Allergy Season is Fucking Good Actually" which will shatter your precious little minds and make yo'u cry
nnone of you are supposed to read these
im the smart adult with my shirt pulled over my head so I can play holdum poker on my phone with out having my performance affected by glare
i will be at bradlees dept store promoting my new line of mustards for the next 16 hrs and I ask that nobody tries to assassinate me please
[man leans into doorway of WTC bathroom]\n"Hey, you gotta finish up in there.  9/11 is happening."\n"Alright. Just a sec."
i will devour all sinners in the name of all polite boys online
where were you when Pibb_Lord_Janus posted his epic takedown of "Betty Boop"
juust not in the mood for content today... not while my fellows are being hunted down in the street like dog 's just for preferring Blu Ray-
actually, i have big red burn marks on my ass for a cool reason. i fucked up smoking a ciggerate
why would anyone want to put hell on wheels. what kind of satan would allow this
there is no football position known as "Sniper". ive been tricked by this load of crap
content 2 
mn, 
i cannot die... not toda.y.. there's still so much SUperbly Awkward Shit to reblog
some opf the things people put on this website set off the old "BULL SHIT" detector.....
id like to report an error of the googleglass please. if you accidentally wear it backwards it sends video of a big horrible eye to everyone
i'm wild about Setups
i receive a generous amount of funds from the US government, as they believe that my good tweets are an effectuive deterrent to masturbation
uh oh... think I feel another BIEBBER RANT coming on !! #TheFamousBieberRant #MyBreadAndButter
just give me one hour and no swear filter and i can literally completely destroy anyone psychologically with aim instant messenge
i am sick and tired of having my page mocked just because ihave a lot of good opinions on apps, on hashtags, and all of that good shit
ARMYMAN: the US military now Officially endorses cruel and unusual torture agianst qdoba fanboys and Ignorant-Minded people\nME: b-b...badass
wiping your teeth down with toilet paper or giving them a quick spray with the hose; that's the good shit. toothpaste is flim flam from hell
please put a helipad on my shitty roof
handsome single adutl man contracts scurvy after eating nothing but oscar mayer lunchables for 4 years and blames his dentist
the asimo robot is full of rats. nobody ever washes it
cops need grenades. doinate all of your hand grenades to the local police force or face insane cop torture forever
asimo is a weakling. it cannot stand up while being punched. they didnt program it to fight or defend itself. i will probably win this
i'm going to beat the shit out of asimo. im gping to knock it on its ass while its trying to use a staircase at a trade show. dreadful beast
im going to power up my content in this year 2014 by divorcing my wife and crowdsorsing a new gfx card for me. thats my guarantee
i regret being tasked the emotional burden of maintaining the final bastion of morality and NIce manners in this endless ocean of human SHIT
i swear to everyone on this site that i am truly, truly a good and compassionate person, and i have a completely normal dick that isnt small
well i believe its time to ugly up my face with some techno baby bullshit to show everyone how unapologetically humorless i am #throughglass
my dimwit sons love it when i drop them off at the car dealership for 7 hours while i cruise around for bargain's
Enjoy New\nand Exciting Recipes\nIncluding\nBuffalo Chicken Mac &amp; Cheese\nand\n"Mac &amp; Cheese Gone Wild".
Want to say thanks to PedophiliaMan for this comment? Give them a month of reddit gold. Please select a payment method. PayPal BitCoin Credi
**shooting bow &amp; arrow into huge pile of discarded diapers piercing like five or six of them with each shot* now that`s what i call Combos
the idea that people are still masturbating in 2014 is insanne, and utterly, asinine
i cried when the genealogy researcher told me this
just found out my great-great-grandfather was known as the "piss scoundrel" and spent most of his time being harassed by concerned citizens
online is sickos
im bad at running and moving around but my upper body speed is incredile
#IAmNotALiberalBecause im proud of my greasy, orange ejaculate
the ass cynic has posted a brutal 1 hour 40 minute takedown of my ass on youtube. im warning you not to click on it or you will get a virus.
Check out my new article, "Was Andy Warhol a Piss Pig?"  at Http://pisspigs.com.
ive got my eye on you matrix_gary.
i am closing down the craft brew wiki because i am being treated like a zoo animal and nobody gives to shits .
mantis is a small green dog. not bug #CancelColbert
#CancelColbert  gangstalking me, collecting my piss, laughing it up with his fucked up buddies when I ask where my piss went,  carrying on,
i approve of congres...  i believe they are doing a very good job despite negative comments online
#RuinAChildrensBook i dont have a camera but rest assured that i ruined it &amp; made sure that no child will ever derive emotion from its pages
*understands tthe full potential of the net all at once and stumbles backward wwhile struggling to breathe* christ,. my god
i love absorbing knowlegde from the expansive breadth of electronic information that exissts on this plane we call OnLine. its good to do it
some animal just uploaded about 40 or so uncircumcised dicks to my feed so im unfollowing everyone who isnt a business man or a cop
can I get into legal trouble for secretly filming myself on the toilet
my massive shoulder span constantly prevents my tiny ,malnourished ass from absorbing sunlight.  my body is essentially at war with its self
i have cleaned all the dirt out of my fingernails and will be posting new pics of them shortly. i want to be liked on here.
taking my laptop into the Jungle...
fred phelps is still alive. and will continue to make trouble for all of us good people online. thats my beliefs...
my priceless stradivarius gaming keyboard... fcovered in policeman urine
adult man who must frequently be burped like an infant or else he will die
for a 2nd time, a user has threatened to go to the bathroom on me. ill tell u this. only way thatll happen is if ur leaving in the body bag.
"We will wipe out Twitter. I don't care what the international community says." "They will see the Turkish republic's strength," he added,
Turkey's prime minister has warned that he would eradicate Twitter after a number of audio recordings anonymously posted on social media pur
"Gamers" needs to grow the fuck up.
all of the rumors that i'm crying right now are: 1) bbutthurt 2) gross 3) KuKlux klan
my dream uncle would have the calves of an angel...and the thighs of a Devil
yerah i like to click on my mouse. so what
widgets. ... theres nothin quite like 'em #TechBoys
i have to clean myself with a dust devil because my bathtub is filled with sacks of rat chow and i believe that all of politics is hogwash
*produces a tiny book from coat pocket which lists every breed of dog that is legal to eat*
hoo boy... these guinea pigd love to shit. shouldn't have ordered the full dozen
motorists are advised not to touch the mattress. the cops are on their way to beat the snot out of it with hammers. do not interfere
theres a fucking mattress lying in the middle of route 70. it's still there i think. check it out if you're in the area and you like mattres
curly is the most bullshit stooge. his antics are the least believable. moe and larry would have kicked him out of the stooges in real life
i lose about 6,000 followers eveory time i make one of my humiliating tweets. the cost of business
llove to look at a big slice of meatloaf and say "Damn it's good"
i hope my followers are remembering to urinate frequently, to ensure the proper disposal of bodily waste.
A Funny Dog Join Kurdish Tribe For A Dirty Dance .
*glances towards framed calligraphy print on wall which reads "NASCAR First" and nods goodly. *
*glances towards framed calligraphy print on wall which reads "NASCAR First" and nods goodly. *
you utter fool. od not come in here asking to see rocky's dick. that is not the spirit of philly
sorry i ruined Fucking talk like a pirate day by speaking at length upon my terrible mustard allergy which has caused countless pain of me.
i'm looking to be hiring a very nice girl to crack open pistachio nuts while i Game. must have clean fingernail.. no hucksters
my name is steve jobs. i am a successful ceo in charrge of the apple corporation. #Joke
im looking at bible, now.
single fellas-- do NOt jack off into the garbage disposal. it will jam up and make a horrible noise. use garbage bags instead
ive enclosed an image of judge judy and my stepdad kissing that I photoshopped to express my disapproval of the broken paintball gun verdict
there is a time and a place for clowns and it is called "CIRCUS". not the computer
my next good post is about egg salad. What in the shit?? are you egg or salad? Why is this good. Who's eating it. Check Please. uhhh
i get in my car and 100 men smear their asses up agsint my windshield and doors. Unbelievable. I'm late for work. This is clownish.
meanwhile im going to stay up all night and color my dick with markers
Sigh. the trolls are beating off their weiners again
brutally headbutting massive hoards of benghazi likers
eunuchoid 49yr man puting self up for adoption, please. unemployable due to frequent nosebleed. loves movies &amp; Tech. thank u for reading it.
this is what a real mans hands look's like 
chating with lawyer on aol instant messenger.
i will annihilate all spoofs of me . i will take anyone who does spoofs of me or my beloved content to the court of criminal law.
apologies to guys named "clay". that's like one step above dirt
need to gain. concerned of my big boy status. dream of becoming Army Strong by the age of 35. rip me open another bag of tiny marshmellows
there are secret offices all over the country full of men in business attire who consume porn for 9 hrs and go home. they dont even jerk off
the joke is on you fuck face. i actually love getting screamed at and publicly shamed for my dumb-assed bull shit . I love apologizing
i've been spending the last 7 years of my life making a romhack of super mario rpg where everyone is pregnant. i expect to make $100 from it
to whoever changed my background pic to spider man with his dick out, thank you. im keeping it just to make you mad
ive never heard of this "europe" but it sounds like a big bunch of shit to me
i am a Gentleman's Son and i deserve the big gravy boat
my pet iguana' s get angry at the same tv shows I do.... wierd but cool
just yanked 3 bundles of rebar off a construction site and into my truck. now im going to biuld my own pizza hut
it's Damn cold out there! Hope you got shirts #WebAndMediaContent #FrromTheContentBoy
Mentioning the woefully fated thursday nite rant feature to me constitutes harassment. Let's keep the trash out. I am a real journalist now.
me after getting curtains stuck in my waistband and pulling them off the wall: "ah fuck its happened again,ah, i am truly a shithead, oh no"
my favorite holiday is the one where you cover everything in plastic and turn the hose on indoors and just go wild
i have moved all of my bitcoins directly into my brain for safekeeping until all this nutso crap blows over
climbing the empire state building holding a giant baby bottle labeled "Muscle"
sipping some campbell's chunky soup from flask in coat pocket
discreetly enjoying a small amount of beer i hid in my gun
jsut want to take some shitty roll of wallpaper from the 70s and tell the Men's Warehouse to get their finest craftsman to make a suit of it
MAINSTREAM: Barney the dinosaur is some good shit. I like it. It's really good.\nME: Barney the dinosaur is bunk. This is a show for children
thinkting of putting a sign up in front of my decrepit mississippi swamp house advising the band Pussy Riot to keepaway
if i were police i would send bugs bunny and his shit pals to prison for violating the constitutional order of the united states of america.
#AnimalTVShows pig fucker
#AnimalTVShows ape fucker
#AnimalTVShows dog fucker
*all horrors begotten by the desire of man flash before eyes* woha! this is awkward *the cries of millions suffering echo* Damn That's Weird
i just divined a glimpse of everyone who has ever unfollowed me talking at the bar, laughing about how bad my posts are &amp; i fucking screamed
#TheThursdayNIteRant hashtag is now Public Domain. I am permitting twitte'rs worst users to sully it with unauthorized, low-quality rants.
Fuck #TheThursdayNiteRant and the bruise it has left upon my legacy. Fuck contracts and being tricked into signing them. Fuck Ruby Tuesdays.
i dont think the monster truck gravedigger has ever dug any actual graves. it would be a very disrespectful and loud way to do it
i feell like im being unfairly targeted during this paintball match just because im the only one wearing a tuxedo
any good jokes lately? yeah, the mirror. i mean your mirror. i mean your mirror, while you are standing in front of it &amp; i'm not in the room
"How dare you post bullshit of Roy Rogers. Roy Rogers is screaming under the grave. I'm going to murder you." - Team Roy (Official Response)
"I envision a dining experience tailored specifically for the public masturbator. Therein lies the Soul of the Roy Rogers brand."-Roy Rogers
pop this into your browser for a quick smile : "urkel"
i love to frown upon bull shit
It has recently occurred to me that I am constantly being clowned on. The people I trust most have apparently been clowning on me for years.
Hot Pockets Yanked From Shelves for Containing ‘Diseased and Unsound Animals’ #AreYouTheOne
go to bed trolls. go to bed with your dip shit brigade.
intense dr pepper cravings from being mentally mpreg., check. dick looks like an ear from botched circumcison,chsck. 1 big purple arm, check
it is unfair that i should have to go to hell just because i was born with a pigs brain
i am interested ni "meme format". i am going to experiment in "meme format", to improve my page. 
Jacking off is a fool 's errand. I will instead opt to enjoy the films of Ice Age, Ice Age: The Meltdown and Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs.
me and a bunch of stupid assholes are going to start a community in the middle of the desert to either die or prove a very important point
#TwitpicYourDunkContestReaction 
i am constantly motivated to improve my content so that i'll someday be as good as the guy who got his dick stuck in a trampoline on youtube
if someone comes by asking if i would like to see pornography i say "hell yes". if someone offers me beer or wine i also say hell yes to it.
i will tell you this right now: I'm from hell. Im highly fucked up. Ive been known to say rude things and watch the carnage unfold brutally
please let me edit my tweets so i can go back and remove every reference to pig piss and liking pig piss
#TheSaturdayMorningRamble cant do it anymore. the ramble has taken control of my life &amp; my doctor has advised me to stop before it kills me
nobody at PepsiCo, the parent company of Pepsi &amp; Frito-Lay, uses bathrooms. this comapny prides itself on hiring people who never shit.
dick fact no.77: my, dick is covered in clothes most of the time. this protects it from the elements as well as the gaze of my enemies
need some new Christian podcasts to listen to while cruising around in my fake cop car
might bring this tweet to the office― a guy drinks a cup of coffee but it's actually a gravy bowl by mistake?? is that appropriate for work
Im a goalie in personal life so I know a thing or two about deflecting personal attacks against my life as well as hockey pucks.
to the countless many Whom have plagiarized my hard work by using the retweet button "Thou art a Coward" !! i will beat your ass at the mall
I SO MUCH AS DIP MY NECK AROUND THIS LOG PAGE AND I AM FORCED TO ABSORB GALLONS OF VENOM FROM DISRESPECTFUL CIVILIAN VIPER SWINE #StopTheNSA
*loads up youtube playlist "Every Geico Ad Since 1999" sitting in ultimate gamer chair eating peanut m&amp;ms with spoon* euauh! good shit, this
i was one of the villains in WWE. mmy name was "Loser Fuckface Nerd " and my catchphrase was "i cant fight them! theyre too strong"
me and the boys are going to watch the final leno and then watch every episode of leno in reverse. full return to thence Leno. #lenouroboros
a 90 year old man looks at hula hoops "they dont make'm like they used to" now hes all started up "theyre SHIT!! these are picees of SHIT!!"
i found a bunch of those bugs that roll up into little balls. i called the zoo &amp; they refuse to take these horrible bugs away  from my house
#TheSaturdayMorningRamble sometimes it is good to get off of the computer every once in awhile and spray garbage around the yard with a hose
jay leno was the last good boy on tv. he was my final connection to th e outside world. there is nothing stopping me from becoming feral now
Jesus christ. I;m so god damn sorry.  This is so fucked up.  It's a living nightmare. I am literally shaking. I have never felt such pain
I am a coward. I beg of your forgiveness. And please check out The Saturday Morning Ramble, which is still scheduled for release on Feb. 8
I didn't want it to end like thtis.  I am so sorry. My hands were tied. The rants weren't getting enough Favs so the sponsor pulled the plug
I have a confession. THe leaking of six thursday nite rants on monday was a false flag operation designed to kill The Thursday Nite Rant.
it is phenomenally cruel of people to come onto this website, look at the posts on my private feed and share them with their shitlord pals .
bougt a bottle of "liquid ass" to teach my stepdad a lesson but i consumed the entire bottle by mistake. now i drink "liqiud ass" on the reg
i don't care about anybody's opinion unless it is good. before you type, please ask yourself. "Is my opinion good" if it's bad dont write it
yea everyone called me Dixie Cup for years juts cause I asked if it was alright to use a dixie cup as a condom in sex ed. im cool now though
my son has been combing his hair without permission. how do i cope with the pain
and i will state right now that these recent events bear no weight upon the popular "saturday morning ramble" feature.  Thank you
my laywer is telling me that the bastard who hacked my account and leaked my rants is none other than edward snowden, known traitor to USA.
there is no recovering from this fiasco.  the thursday nite rant, as we know it, is dead.
yo bartender!! we all know you filled my deink with ice so you can skimp on the good stuff. hows this grab ya: "No Tip" #TheThursdayNiteRant
"whodunit"?? how about we just call it a "murder mystery" insTead of resorting to that grammatical mess #TheThursdayNiteRant
STOP IT I CAN"T DELETE THEM
smiling is worthless. it has no value. nobody wants to see your damn teeth all the time.  fuck you #TheThursdayNiteRant
my living room has more remote controls in it than NASA. its like you gotta be an astronaut just to watch the ball game #TheThursdayNiteRant
WAIT FUCK
why do clowns have such big shoes. that's not funny. it is just ignorant. no wonder circuses are dying #TheThursdayNiteRant
if I download just ONe more app I will need an APP to keep track of my APPS!!!  #TheThursdayNiteRant
punxsutawney phillip seymour hoffman sees the shadow of death meaning 6 weeks of really good jokes like this one
i think that the dog version of the super bowl shoyuld show some god damn respect to the regular version of the super bowl
From here on, I will refer to the upcoming Super Bowl as the “Treason Bowl”.
75
 of the tweets on here are complete PishPosh. 20
 is Networking and Implementation. the last 5
? Pure Content.  #TheSaturdayMorningRamble
i cannot comprehend half of the things i read online but i'm smart enough to know that it is all really good
i live inside of the holy mecca cube and do all my good posts in there
the famous "dewey defeats truman" photograph except it's me holding up the hedaline that says jacking off cures prostate cancer
check the shit o n the lightbulb before using it. too many people are using the wrong voltage count and it;s too bright #TheThursdayNiteRant
Q: What is your Passion Sport?\nA: My Passion Sport is football and golf
i'm not allowed to participate in the olympics this year because i have "no discernible athletic talent" and my "dick looks chewed up"
group of young woman: were going to take some "Selfie" portraits. care to join us?\nme [doing the face palm face now]: ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!!!!!!
i just sold all of my teeth to the president of starwars for one hundred dollars #SBMediaDay
yeah im basically all abOut mpreg right now. yeah im off to get my huge pregnant gut enchanted by a warlock so my future son will respect me
*consults a sundial* Ah. Time To Carbo-Load
sometimes i feel like im the only person on the whole damn computer who understands the concept of Honour
i must rotate in my seat eternally to avoid having my muscles damaged by wi-fi energy
i bet i could knock a grammy statue over with my piss #grammys
i am a simple country man who believes that hackers belong in jail #TheSaturdayMorningRamble
I Have beatten a game of solitare after having to restart only 26 times. I am a magnificent gamer prince
i have been racking up absurdly high scores in Windows Solitare to increase my power as a gamer
id like a discount on this used tort law textbook please.  the last guy who had it drew female versions of Garfield on a bunch of the pages
MetalGearEric has offered to engage me in a formal debate as to whether or not santa claus's real name is "Winter Claus"
the facts are: actual little two year old children are coming onto this website to send me brutal reprimands daily and make me violently ill
In my honest opinion, due to recent events, they should call beloved pop sensation Justin Bieber, they should call him "Mr. Jail". Thank you
#TheThursdayNiteRant please build more walkways so i don't have to fuck my pants up in the bushes
barbaro is back 2014 
nobody has earnestly called a donkey an "ass" since the bible was written. stop fucking up my clipart searches with this nonesnse
611 Ass illustrations and clipart. Affordable Royalty Free Stock Photography. Downloads for just $1.00, with thousands of images added daily
そしてxboxをかいました
my true custom rig is a baby grand piano filled with lava lamps
vladimir Putin if youre reading this please grant me asylum like you did with snowdan. i too ,am constantly in hot water because of my posts
i would have to say that this promotional  radio shack lanyard i received heavily influenced my decision to become a lanyard wearing guy
carefully cutting out an article titled "Extremely Small Man Begs For Life At Disneyland" so that I can frame it for the rumpus room
carefully cutting out an article titled "Extremely Small Man Begs For Life At Disneyland" so that I can frame it for the rumpus room
i interface the dunston check 's in dvd with the God Processor. a gruesome polygonal ape head welcomes me to dunston world
incoming picture of mysterious bead collection from WolfRespecter
#THeSaturdayMorningRamble sometimes when you get caught in traffic you just wanna get pissed off
Italian mobsters beat rival gangster with metal bars before feeding him to pigs, police investigation claims 
JAY: They are going to replace WTC, with a Mosque. Can you believe this Silent Bob\nSILENT BOB: This country is headed fot the chamber pot.
i squint real hard while attempting to contemplate a math problem designed for children until my entire dumb ass face turns navy blue
my ultimate quest to become a united states armyman begins by rejecting all forms of online drama trash in my life #TheThursdayNiteRant
im sorry for claiming that all cops wear big fake boobs full of milk under their shirts and use them to breastfeed criminals. only some do
i would like to convert these gmail invites into human dollars please
now that Ned Neutrality is finally dead he will be sorely missed, survived by his wife Cathy Neutrality, as well as his kids Ethan &amp; Walter
now that nest neutrality is finally dead I can start blasTing the shit out of birdhouses with my 9000000 calliber rifle scotfree
now that net neutrality is finally dead i can share my controversial tony hawk/NASCAR cross fiction without fear of persecution or ridicule
i would like to apologize for letting the team down by eating an entire snowman over the weekend and getting sick. my head wasnt in the game
the one major design flaw which plagued the iron maiden from the start were the large spikes that would stab anyone who tried to live in it
i shoukld be allowed to do kindergarten again. im pretty sure i would absolutely fucking nail it this time
Weekly reminder that the official Oprah App can be enjoyed by Oprah fans and supporters of Anti-Oprah alike.
12 year slave huh? sounds like my marriage. which I dont enjoy. to the degree that it is succinctly described by that particular movie title
I thought 12 Years a Slave was a film about my failed marriage.
12 Years A Slave is about the first dozen years of my marriage.
Charles Chaplin
i have in my hand a list of hollywood bigwigs who have eaten human flesh, and i will reveal one name each day until im provided with respect
i've been blacklisted from hollywood simply because I refuse to compromise my unwavering support of Microsoft brand and product. cowardice
winner of best reality program "Mushroom Sons", beating out "Extreme Mushroom Farm", "Mushroom Grabber" and "Boys of Mushroom" #GoldenGlobes
if hollywood has any dignity left they will surrender all golden gobes to the united states marine corps and blow a bunch of kisses at them
some hipster or something is probably mad right now bc they give golden globes to good ass films instead of the fuckin mona lisa or whatever
#TheSaturdayMorningRamble was cancelled out of the respect of prime minister ariel sharon . please stop asking me about it. rip ariel sharon
please help mme. my dad sent me $40000 to go to Fight College but I spent it all on making a big hormel foods logo out of gorilla glue
but worry not. i have changed my last name to "apefucker/" to dissuade all women from stealing it
another fucked up thing that women will do to all good men and boys is steal their last names, poSsibly to leverage their own failing brands
Remembe,r if you're a fan of the rant, feel free to support it with favs, retweets, or just drop me a message saying how good it is.
with all of the running around we do during the holidays... its a wonder we don't LOOSE weight instead of gaining it... #TheThursdayNiteRant
if u troll me into my 11th stroke by god i will use the last remaining strength on my death bed to implicate you and your delinquent cronies
now that i'm unemployed I can finally weave an intricate fan universe based on the chick fil a cows who are always holding the signs up
the web is an extremely powerful media tool in our Time and I will masterfully cross chop and do bare hand takedown to anyone who disagrees
fired for "unleashing rats at work" which is bull shit first off because they don't make leashes for rats
put pictures of fat 1920s babies up next to the muscle builders of modern day &amp; you will ssee that their skill levels are considerably equal
i just obtained a tub of that goop they fed to babies in the 1920s to make them really fat. i;m going to convert the whole thing into muscle
bowl fucker #RejectedBowlGames
im the only person on this entire website without a wife and it is just ignorant at this poin t.
*inhales sharply and punches a sofa 6 times extremely quickly*
shut the fuck uip, coward. "beavis day" is not a real holiday. i am going to insanely wreck you for posting to  me, about the false holiday.
yesterday i bought a 26ct bag of fun size snickers bars as penance for wasting a police man's time
my main shit is going to CVS and doing riffs on whatever i see on the shelves. most of my material is never recorded or heard by human ears
sees another grown man eating cheerios off his table at the restaurant, gives him the restaurant cheerio nod
yes, the rumours are true. i do workouts
TOMANDO
"tthis is some superbly phenomenal shit." -spoken by president barack obama, upon following his 650,000th twitter account
reluctantly jacking off at 60mph to the girl silhouette on the big rig mudflaps in front of my car while whispering "trucker's code"
LING240 - Foundations of Applied Linguistics\nTransfer Equivalency:\nWAZ101 - how to do wazzup voice (4 credits)
Girls are a gift from god.
myth: making me mad is cool\nFACT: making me mad is a crap move&amp; people who do it are all sociopathivc criminals with fucked up rotten brains
when should i start embalming myself
ijust gave some guy in the bathroom $200 and he left. i think i own a toilet now
im going to fuck up antarctica with hundreds of throwing knives
i don't believe in religious, but i respect the fear of nudity
ill be spending new years encased in marble with magnetGirl77 because we just basicly trust spirit world more than human world at this point
nothing pisses off Baseball more than showing up at the plate holding a custom djinnblade, designed by your cousin Chedson, instead of a bat
Time to do several fucking perfect wolf howls at the nascar men
my top 2013 picks:\n1) guns\n2) pictures of guns\n3) halloween\nthank you. please look out for the top picks of 2014, which i will do next year.
school lunch card revoked indefinitely for making a counterstrike map based on the principal'/s rock garden
"RESULT: You are the Serpant. YOu dislike loud places and people are constantly putting drama in your life. But you're strong." This is true
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD  ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
cavemen were 14 feet tall and immortal because they didn't believe in Lying
a dozen eggs huh.. what are you gonna do with 12 shitty pregnant rocks. haha just imagine some asshole buying this like, "oh these are good"
back before the web, Content had to be delivered house to house by the content man. he worked 14 hrs a day &amp; people tried to shoot him a lot
about 85
 of the people online are just absolute criminals and i can get dominated by them perfectly from the convenience of my shitty modem
[download of "bagel covered in caesar dressing.jpg" complete] Ah, Fucking Good This Yes.  Absolutely Epic Fucking Particularly This. Sir
no. no. no. and no. santa would never do putrple drink. keep the jokes stashed deep in the garbage on this holy night
i'm going to shut down for several hours while user "JFK_Destroyer" reconsiders his threat to  "suck my grave like a dick,"
"When it is Christmas, the only gift you need is my posts." -@Dril when it is christmas, the only gift you need is my posts.
ah, online is amazing. there is so much to do here. *GETS OBLITERATED BY INSULT`S AND SICK IMAGES* i've changed my mind. online is childish
The office space judge, to the trolls: For refusing to stop being a piece of crap i am sending you to 15 years of pound me and the ass jail.
tthe super computer lit up and told me my posts were good in a fucked up robot voice, validating me forever online
IBM sent me a supercomputer to analyze all of my posts with and guess what, they're all good
i stepped out of my stretch limo with "garbage toucher' painted on the side, brushed some shit off my boots and said "I'm garbage toucher"
i like it. thank you 
Shit myself on C.Martinet's lap. Voice of Mario. He was surprisingly chill. Too embarrassed to apologize so I bought Mario Golf a week later
"The film was universally panned by critics. It received a "rotten" rating of 5
 on the r" let me stop you right there. thats a lot of crap
i plan on spending christmas with the kranks by putting the dvd in and playing it. i want to spend christmas with the kranks mother fucker.
the most fucked up thing saddam hussein ever did was eat doritos in jail
قاعد اسمع غنية pink floyed money و اطالع برنامج عن فرس النهر بنفس الوقت و مندمج بالاثنين
when it comes to down to it.. you just cant beat the old mouse and keyboard #TheSaturdayMorningRamble
GOD Damn fuckin.. Retro,. classic shit, ah *Face Turns purple and begins crying* sorry. i'm sorry.  I'm a dipshit.  I'm a fucking idiot
this guy took a pic of an NES cartridge on top of a filthy carpet and.. yep. the game on it is one i like. im pretty sure that makes him God
this is the room where i simulate combat scenarios by performing wrestling moves and crowd control techs on 22 girl mannequins. the gauntlet
i am looking forward to some god damn serious male grooming discussion when everybody runs out of jokes around 2015 or so
gotta pick one man. the night ain't over until you pick a favorite pope. "all of them" is not an acceptable answer. "clement xii"?? Fuck you
my permanently wet forehead is perhaps my most powerful weapon
rip to this guy 
i want to network with clean human
listen bud!  get your i pad out of my face! leave the gizmos at home #TheThursdayNiteRant
FACt: i was not kicked out of teen mensa beucase of my extremely poor posture; i was kicked out because of my terrible opinions and ideas
big steel drivin' hank gordon bubba once told me i aint once put on what it could not do, but to what i can't do on what i put myself on for
My Friend Toby Once Said, One Big Ass Biker Man I Ain't As Good As I Once Was, But I'm As Good Once As I Ever Was
Time To Play The #knockoutgame with #A&amp;E #IStandWithPhilRobertson #DuckDynasty #FuckYouA&amp;E
knockoutgame
A
IStandWithPhilRobertson
DuckDynasty
FuckYouA
digimonotis thought octomom was the bad guy in spider man 2
my belt buckle explodes, exposing my superbly problematic dick/balls to eveyrone at GarbageCon. it also ricochets into my skull and kills me
the Harvard bomb threat guy svhould have called a bomb threat to octo mom's house instead #UHOH
i test all my tweets on lab animals and they hate them all. im an embarrassment to BRand Culture
I Want The Duck Dynasty Boys To Crucify Me Upside-Down And Piss On Me Violently. I Want The Duck Dynasty Boys To Block My Useless Account
An Unstoppable Legion Of Young Fortune 500 CyberHeteros
a typical day for me involves putting on the football vest and throwing the fuckin pigskin around. and i am not sorry if this offends anyone
at first i thought that Science was a shit waste of time. then somebody did a meme of it,. and now... hooboy.. now i like it
getting all the snow out of my driveway with a gun, just fucking obliterating it
This guy got himself into another mess.  Take a look 
The Saturday morning ramble is Work Safe. Children are also allowed to enjoy it. The Thursday nite rant is vulgar and unleashed
the thursday nite rant isn't going anywhere. the saturday morning ramble is designed to work in tandem with it to cover broader demographics
get yourself a few dozen trash bags and stash them in a drawer somewhere. never know when you might need em #TheSaturdayMorningRamble
isnt it wild that every time i look at pictures of hell i say that it looks like some cool shit, and that i would go there instead of heaven
that was it. the rants over. stop sending me messages
Showtime. Feel the sweat on your palms. Face the hideous, bloodthirsty crowd. All eyes on you. It's all or nothing. It's #TheThurdayNiteRant
yeah babe. im 007 license to kill. im basically really fucked up and mentally ill from all the murders I did.**yawn* i got a gun tattoo also
woah. just realized the "Hungryman" logo on this can of sloppy joe is referring to me, the guy buying and eating thhe food. Insane mindfuck
*stares at a man doing jumping jacks in complete awe* How is he doing that
just thinking about how two guns mounted on my wall in an X pattern would look really good over my toilet
The six things I could never do without:\n• .\n• gamer
they made 666 the satan number because that's how many hours it took me to learn how to roll a cigarette
when i cant decide whether to throw up into the trash can or the toilet i throw up in the trash cadn &amp; pour about half of it into the toilet
my hobbies include wearing cool clothes, getting sucked off and being involved in local theater. The last one is a joke, actually
surefire investment: Saline. everyone i know is injecting a lot of it into their dicks. THat's, "Saline". Surefire investment. Locked down.
i got banned from the official red lobster forums for posting "9/11". yet they say we're living in a post-9/11 world.....
I'm Sgt. General James Bond. My mission is to collect guns and gather intel on the unimaginably fucked up drugs known as Cocaine &amp; Marijuana
stood up, faced audience during larry the cable guy movie, and shouted "YOu're all monsters, stop laughing at him, that's his regular voice"
You'll Never Believe Which JP Morgan Executive Utterly Eviscerate Fitness Blogger Moms Flat Stomach Selfie #WeirdNews #CoolButWeird #Offbeat
Girls are my wife constantly
im upset because nobody wants to market anything to my ultra fucked up demographic
**makes a loud inhuman noise and attempts to crack wacom tablet over knee*
yeah im supposed to be "offended" by spit on my grave. youre basically feeding my skeleon nutrients. also spitting in graveyards is illegal.
surprise, dad. while you were witnessing the pennsylvania state lottery i tried on all your work gloves and they looked very handsome on me
it was my idea to do the " tuesday nite rant" to tie into the ruby tuesday brand, but they said that idea was shit. they wanted thursday
i am getting hundreds of messages telling me that the thursday nite rant is very bad. i am contracted to produce them until june 2015. sorry
the knock out game is a lot of crap. Lord heal oru youth . Lord heal our youth #TheThursdayNiteRant
a tiny lapel pin shaped like the twitter verified account icon stops the assassins bullet and spares mmy cruel, filthy life
"Mr. Legs Dubai 2006"
the facts are thuis: i accidentally did benghazi while trying to steal nfl broadcasts and im sorry about it. this is a stressful year for me
asking someone why their halloween avatar is still up when it's just a normal pic of them is the most fucked up move you can do, actually
asking someone why their halloween avatar is still up when it's just a normal pic of them is the most fucked up move you can do, actually
the scud missile was named after famous military physicist Scud Missile
if satan tries to put a microchip in my gun i will shoot him
i have modded gta 5 to make the dicks ugly. and i plan to make them even uglier in ugly dick mod v1.1
attribute my creative decline to deep spiritual sickness caused by several pornographic hairstyles i accidentally looked at in time magazine
"god damnit!" the coach rips his headset off "they covered our football in nerd cum!  those bastards have covered our football in nerd cum!"
what me &amp; the boys enjoy most is going to a home goods store to laugh at all the toilets. saying "haha i really want to shit in there", etc
**sticks vacuum into skintight rubber suit so it becomes even tighter and dick and balls become more pronounced &amp; visible* ugh!! mondays
need to wash gamefuel stains out of a very expensive kimono
i can infer that the owner of this car with "Wade" painted on the hood is either named "Wade" or enjoys the word "wade" for personal reasons
my new job is being the guy who says "Sir You Can't Film Here" repeatedly to people who bring recording gadgets to aldi markets
did everoyone else in the unemployment line get one of my favstar printouts?  good.  i will take my seat on the floor now
noticing a lot more rear collisions after adhering my "9/11 Was An Inside Doge" bumper sticker. people must be too busy laughing to pay attn
too many false alarms from people yelling "Bingo is some good shit" or "Bingo is fuckin good". becoming a problem in the bingo community
the wrong side of town. just a bunch of signs on the side of the road that say "Moms Earn Cash" with no phone number or email or anything
just tape the car horn down and cars will naturally move away from you. you can drive anywhere. it is called, "The Instinct of the Beast"
seems to be confusion regarding the job offer. you just directed me to an amazon listing for clown makeup. Looking forward to the real link.
i thitnk, that, before you wish death upon someone, you should make sure their tweets are really really bad first
"The Thanksgiving Day Parade is not canon.  The events depicted therein have no place within the Garfield timeline." - Jim Davis, Paws Entmt
is the thanksgiving day parade canon. are we to believe that garfield would allow himself to float around and be yanked around with strings
please set your home pages to 
Keep an eye on "Apps", in 2013 and beyond.
media outrage over the discovery of geiorge zimmerman's Gun Sink, a kitchen sink filled to the brim with guns
use coupon code "Do Harlenm Shake" to save 10
 off your next Divorce
local singles want to meet you in YOUR AREA!  click here to call the COPS
i call upon familiars david blaine &amp; criss angel to help me discretely wash this pocket pussy in the soda fountain at the peiwei asian diner
"sour cream and onion" ?? thats a bunch of shit from the get go #TheThursdayNiteRant
Seth i mean.
Moneyhats all the way down. He doesnt csre about the true fans. He killed the dog for profit.Just follow the big dollar sign
well, i'm planning a move. the democratic people's republic of korea?? strongest cops in the game. flat out. Make our cops look like shit
i spend lots of time thinking about how many of my depraved, miserable followers would murder me if they could get away with it #SocialMedia
i see jokes like "doge". like "angry cat". and I think to myself,  "This is fucking actually good. How can I interface this with my strats."
for every child you don't circumcise i am going to circumcise myself 3 times
i am working to resolve the thursday nite rant issue. please do not contact me
my more astute readers have noted that i botched the hashtag. its not supposed to be "the thursday nite rat". i cannot fix it. its locked in
my blood glucose test strip unboxing video maintains a remarkable zero views despite me spending $8000 on Media courses #TheThursdayNiteRat
This channel is dedicated the the beautiful smoking girls of Japan. These videos aim to capture the style and elegance of the Japanese girls
i just put the phone in the sink and turned the faucet on. i was not about to deal with that level of bull shit.
"your posts, they aren't good." obama told me over his personal phone line. "you have to put down the keyboard.  you have to #StopThePosts".
its true. each cow's udder has one teat that will shoot piss instead of milk and ruin the whole batch. they call it the Farmer's Gamble
bazinga fan 80
Funny
i have been pacing the driveway for hours, trying to work up the courage to tell a t least 3 twitter girls that i have married them
*steps out on stage twirling a cane and accidentally hits self in the dick 100 times * AAAWGHHH
two cars in the garage, a white picket fence,  and monster energy logos embroidered into both ass pockets
enjoying my "BEER O CLOCK" tshirt? yeah I got a whole hamper full of these badboys at home. you can come over &amp; look at them all if you like
Real.Time.with.Bill.Maher.2013.11.15.HDTV-NO.SWEARING.EDITx264-2HD[kkkdracula]
gamers are stupid assholes huh? well guess what. the final fantasy titles taught me roman numerals. check this shit out: XVCXCXCVIIIVX
i step into the vip lounge. i see a man in high heel shoes stepping on a carton of milk while other men in suits yell at him and throw coins
CONTROVERSIES: lots of people jacked off to "beetlejuice" because they thought he was a girl. it's perfectly normal &amp; good [citation needed]
i have trained my two fat identical sons to sit outside of my office and protect my brain from mindfreaks by meditating intensely
"favs.. retweets.. they're all good as hell. You're basically here to get those. Without em, you might as well be posting into the toilet,"
listen up i need u guys to go on my account and check out this post called "The Thursday Nite Rant" and dont forget to hit up that RT button
i dont know about you guys but my uncle has been dying to meet all your uncles. did somebody say twitter dot com uncle meet????
i feel like some people don't appreciate the effort i put into TTNR. frankly, all i can do is feel embarrassed for you. it's a good feature
sometimes i post serious things but,  i like to have a little bit of fun on here too #TheThursdayNiteRant
whenever i see someone eating without a bib i laugh and shake my head. beucase i just know they're going to fuck their shirt up with stains
yeah right johnny cash. we totally believe that you went to jail &amp; got executed. why don't you sing about real things instead of doing irony
"Daniel Joerger" gave the Adult Dunce Cap a 1/5 star review on February 20th, 2013, saying it was "Junk" and "Not worth what I paid for it".
i had a stern talk with my son over how his purchase of a $0.99 hdmi cable represents failure
In my sincere opinion, 7-11 is weighing down the Big Gulp brand with their clownish chain of filthy convenience stores.
its time to face facts. our teens just arent creating any jobs. they have failed our nation
im not breathing correctly because of the amount of people who insist on showing me the number of 69, which is the password for sex.
how many pushups must I do in order to boost my wifi signal
ihave been banished from the city of dubai due to my excessive sweating and practice of pyrokinesis
"elvis" is the filthiest musician alive
roving online gangs are promoting disrespect of brand leaders on this very platform #HonestyHour #Police
i think that wearing a jumpsuit emblazoned with the official logo of my twitter account while i indie develop would make my posts good again
The best DJ in Miami talking about how #obamacare hurts our generation. You can #optout! @josephmicha3l @univmiami 
obamacare
optout
if each of my followers send me 1 rag i might be able to clean up all the messes in my house
even if you only know the basic techniques there is over 100,000 different combos you can do. the government is hard at work naming them all
you see that fucked up mattress over there? that's where i practice my combos
effects i mean.
are thtere any adverse health affects to chemically suppressing puberty until the age of 49
after careful consideration, ive decided to fuck the green m&amp;m because they made it look like a girl. i would not fuck the red or yellow m&amp;m
just a little casual assplay at the farmer's market
#TrumpVine on ObamaCare website- 
TrumpVine
just because i havent been seen in public for 7 years is no excuse not to wear a suit and tie before sitting down and eliminating trolls
unfollow me if you hav e ever done or thought about doing war crimes. i dont want war criminals shitting my feed up
I AM AMAZED TO SEE OIN TWITTER TOO THERE ARE  MEN WHO  MISBEHAVE AND TALK PORN THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I HAVE COME ACROSS SUCH FILTHY MEN
this is the national health advisory board issuing a safe reminder not to touch your dick for one hour after handling pets
Thank you for the follow, @NBCSports .
big bird was obviously just a man in a suit. but the other ones were too small to contain men. so what the fuck
yo Aesop... these fuckin "fables" of yours? Not up to snuff. Some weak fables over here. Go back to writing college. #TheThursdayNiteRant
the much anticipated photographic evidence that i take good care of my gumline has been postponed due to drama and agony
Had it up to here witht the chuckle crew. If you think my posts are bullshit I challenge you to come waterboard me and destroy me perfectly.
i'm really good at reciting my favorite quotes because my voice sounds like a cool movie character and isn't all fucked up and high pitched
can any of you  hook me up with some sports
my previous tweet was not the thursday nite rant. first off, it doesn't contain the hashtag. secondly, it's wednesday afternoon right now
unverified accounts are fucking disgusting. they often contain base, lewd "humor", and i have mini-strokes whenever one of them retweets me
please respect the sanctity of UFO chat
***pisses all over shower faucets, wife's luffa, candles, knocks shampoo bottles off shelf with piss stream** it's fine because its sterile
be sure to check out my repulsively athletic legs &amp; thighs featured on the shitty offbrand bag version of wheaties at your local supermarket
if the state ordered me to wear one of those shitty lapel cams i'd say "No SIR" &amp; crush the camera under my cop boot while the public cheers
woah. you can say "Houston we have a problem" in messy situations that have nothing to do with astronauts or texas?  this changes everthing
i think "mario and sonic at the munich massacre" could work if they did it respectfully &amp; didn;t fuck with the formulas from the retro games
if i ever subconsciously steal your tweets DM me for a frree 8x10 glossy of my horrible fucking face and a good ass arby's coupon
Most of my body is real but my ass is a cartoon in the style of Archie comics and my dick is barts dick from the Simpsons movie
There is a widespread campaign of fear being devised and perpetuated against me just because my dick looks like a cartoon character
My dick looks like a cartoon character's
huge tub of au jus sauce with bottles of beer floating around in it is lowered into the room before the big game. "now that's, a power play"
atticus quiznos, cornelius pepboys, baron von sega; distinguished luminaries who voluntarily castrated themselves for the sake of the #Brand
the heinous y2k bug will bow to me and my glorious rifle
you little online fucks who sit in mammas basement and finger your puds cannot conceive of the #HELL that is pushing fresh, invigorating SEO
nobody told me that" doing donuts" was some car technique. up until now i thought that it was just another way to say you're eating donuts
im the man who got banned from the gym for trying to bring a mattress inside, and i have gotten significantly weaker since the incident
the desert has never helped any one and i am going to go throw poison at it
to the fine folks who kicked my bare ass while i was trapped in the automatic door at walmart: why do you people insist on punishing success
U are the cancer that is killing 
its the weekend baby. youknow what that means.  its time to drink precisely one beer and call 911
to potential employer: when i said i jerk the dogs off at the zoo, that was a joke. the zoo doesnt even have dogs. theyre domestic creatures
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney 's
you must face the mirror daily and ask your self: "which brands will i touch base with today". you have to ask it out loud or it won't work.
i do understand that it's halloween and it's only natural to want to get up to a bit of mischief, but paws off my hash tag please.
There's no greater television program than The News. The News is the only show on TV that I like, and it's smart. #TheThursdayNiteRant
this next dip of chaw is dedicated to the pursuit of muscles, and also my jeep
i gotta say both of these are looking pretty sharp. can't wait to go next-gen 
cops should have two guns to get rid of crime faster . cops should be dual wielding by 2016
"And th mark...theyst fhall beckon..bearers of the Mask.. doth verily, andth post really good shit, online" nostradamus predicting Anonymous
it was cool when they yanked saddam out of the spider hole becausr i was like "haha that guys me before i had my coffee. thats me on monday"
the professor said our assignment is to make.. a MEme?? i've got this shit on lockdown. i pump my fist and hop on my hideous adult tricycle
its absolutely my right to have a 90 yr old woman scrupulously vacuuming around my enormous bulk at all times while i groan and roll my eyes
hello newsweek?  yeah im not gonna make it for that interview. some schmuck just pissed all over me. im covered head to toe in schmuck piss.
better not to tweet the latest but tweet the hottest-brandlord
UNFOLLOW@GODMOM
low quality site
what if you took jethro tull "aqualung" &amp; replace the parts where he says aqualung with "octomom" #BeyondFuckedUp #Sponsored @sheratonhotels
my dick is a beak now
whos gonna rake all these leaves up??  the police? #TheThursdayNiteRant
you aall act nice to me on this site but if i needed $60,000 for saline injections all over my entire body none of you would give a SHIT
i believe labels are pointlessly divisive and have no proper place in our society but i'm pretty much basically a jock and not a nerd at all
i tried to throw a molotov cocktail at a bird but he was too high up
reminder to all of my female cop followers that i worship female cops daily
reminder to all of my female cop followers that i worship female cops daily
heres my halloween costume. im going as a bumblebee 
it's really messed up that im the only normal person on this entire site, considering millions of people use it daily
my name id yogi. greetings from albania. i would like to put the new i pad in jail. thank you for reading to my message.
looked at a newspaper today. looks like we're getting taxed out the wazoo, with this president. anyone else see this shit? tax out the wazoo
in 1998 donald j. trump sr taught me how to use a Scythe and it sickens me to see people besmirch his good name
the brief period in high school when DigimonOtis changed his name to BurgerKingOtis in an attempt to improve his image
you wanna come to my church &amp; post about me sucking tiny ladybug dicks on the bulletin board? mm nope. that ain't me pal. That ain't my life
*pushes a mini-fridge over* Fuck U
please stop adding flintstone chewable vitamin commercials to the episode list. they are not real flintstone episodes.
i bought one of those craigslist peacocks. this fucking thing wont eat and its loud
ktxl fox affiliate just showed a pregnant woman on th simpsons #pregwatch
and the award for best banksy tweet goes to.. "egg_dad_ebooks" *seven grown men rise from their seats and push their way towards the podium*
#ObamasPresidencyInTwoWords IN1993OBAMAWASWITNESSEDCARVING ALCHEMYGLYPHSINTOAPUBLICBENCH
#ObamasPresidencyInTwoWords bun gazi
theory postulated by known troll "Zentai_Gary" states that i, @dril, go to the zoo every weekend to , in his words, "fuck the apes", and i w
most important art movements in human history??  three way tie between impressionism, cubism, and Bullet Time
bad news: were all helpless cogs doomed to ceaselessly perpetuate a machine\n good news: the machine is a Sega and were all sonic the hegehog
my new quote: "That's some good ass Hulu" (to be spoken after, viewing exceptional content on the hulu streaming site )
holy shit.  holy shit.  you can order loaves of kfc.  you can order kfc in loaf form. you can order kfc by the loaf #ByTheLoaf
phew. im out of breath from looking at blades online all day
me &amp; khryler are drawing up plans for a family restaurant with damn good jeans nailed to the walls. we will call it the hard rock jeans cafe
accidentally printing out 20 ascii wayne gretzky nudes on the really loud printer in the school's computer lab #90sHell #DecadeOfTorment
if i make a rant-like post on thursday night and it dosnt contain the hashtag, it is not officially a thursday nite rant. its normal content
please allow me to explain the mechanics of the thursday nite rant. its not officially thursday nite rant if it does not contain the hashtag
hey uh, it's just the thursday nite rant. if youre offended i dont give a shit. Thats whats to be expected from the thurdsay night rant.
alright shit for brain listen up. i dont want this guacamole stuff youre peddling. its green and it looks sick. go home #TheThursdayNiteRant
as far as im concerned the best revenge is ordering wolf piss online &amp; pouring it into soneones car. "living well" is too hard
he lived a rich, meme-filled life
ONCE A MARINE, ALWAYS A MARINE. Celebrate and salute America’s 911 Force in the MONOPOLY: U.S. Marines Edition.
got that content that drives u wild #fw @HellLife @ShitGirl @simpson94170212 @GymGod @GunMagnet @SpitoonMan @DragonSex @LifeAlert420 @Guns6
haha this vitter has probably gotten all sorts of boners on the Senate floor cause of the diapers. eyes buggin out, classic looneytunes shit
if i learned anything in business school its that you can disarm any competitor by insinuating he carries his turds around in his briefcase
scuse me i gotta check this...ah, looks like my retweet was reblogged bty chief tech editor of Reader's Digest (yea hes verified). solid mag
can anyone confirm or deny that the "spooky dicks" they sell around halloween each year aren't just rebranded dildos
outta all the users on all the sites on this big wide web of ours.. why would PriapismHaver777 want to chat with little old me....
wearing my lab coat and analyzing an array of my own nudes in order to determine which one most effectively highlights my fatigued genitals
oh yeah buddy... i eat birdseed... and i ain't a FUCKIN bird!! #JustTheGuys #DamnMenTweets
the onion AV club boldly assigns a letter grade to each phase of the moon while dozens of readers chant incantation into the comment section
just to clarify: "the studio" is a room I rent for $800 a month. i use it to compose all of the posts i type here.
the accident was not my fault. the speed bag installed in the roof of my car was obscuring my view. also the driver was a fake version of me
verizon wireless usa promotes an nfl tweet but refuses to support indie sports like hockey and soccer. meanwhile, my life is in the garbage
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
i changed my mind. fuck cash for moms online. fuck it all. its nonsense that moms are given allthis good cash while I make $0.003 per tweet
i walked in on two cops touching each other's badges in the unisex bathroom at saladworks and got a coupon from complaining about the ordeal
everyrtfhing I say and do is owned hereforth by the fine individuals of the Cash For Moms Online corporation. i beLieve in cash for moms. ..
thinking i could bring my laptop to people who never saw computers, like some black tribe in africa. let them watch me game for a few hours.
thanks for telling me what " amore " is you dumb ass hole. i totally had no idea before i listened to this insipid song #TheThursdayNiteRant
"When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie that's amore" nope. not true "When the world seems to shine like you'v" thats bullshit too
When I Die. Then You Will Realize
just as Christ was nailed to the cross to rescue his brand, i will be nailed to a Meme. my shit &amp; blood will drip upon the funny impact font
Login: SewerLad \nPass: FuckTheMods666
im role-playing as a piece of trash on the corner of market &amp; 5th. in need of 2nd player to lift me into the garbage please. i wont pay you.
the ceo of cash4gold just called me, crying. he tells me this—he says people arent respecting his brand on twitter. i fucking hate this site
i am skeptical of the concept "Too Big To Fail" mainly because i am extremely big and i fail constantly
and to the guy who said i have shit for brains: youre right. i do have... four brains..........
*homepage
jesus christ. this man at the library is looking at the lowes,com homepagr instead of gaining knowledge. im gonna upload a pic of this clown
*hangs political cartoon of obama eating The Jobs with a fork and knife up on the office billboard* you see that? ?? hes esating the jobs.
christ washed the feet of his disciples but not the ass.  never the ass
my opinion on politics: my opinion on politics is that politidcs is extremely good, but sometimes it is bad
#SingleBecause self-sabotaging loud mouth with a hook dick who worsks with men twice my age at a vomit processing plant and has rabies
were you surprised to see me, gaming in the bathtub??  i am a man of infinite pleasure. come, hand me my robe. i write my own mr. bean skits
my trolls &amp; detractors all have gross mental issues. they love drama and are all jealous of my precious army man blood #truth #SorryNotSorry
God Bless the United States of America and the Constitution that this Country was built on. Grab yourself a Mud Jug and KEEP PACKIN’ HAMMERS
another cheap N' easy halloween spook: sculpt a giant skull out of ground beef and splash blood on it and drive it around on top of your car
a nice tip for halloween: fill up a jar with piss and say that it is a jar of frankenstein piss. display it on the porch with a strobe light
hackers are finding ways to inject jokes underneath my posts and i ask my subscribers to remain calm unti;l ive sorted this all out with 911
i finally beat the Guinness record of "most karate chops absorbed by a man" but it doesnt count because i was unconscious during parts of it
it warms my heart when i see people of every race and creed, setting aside their differences in order to spew piss into my cage and scare me
#TagABeautifulGirl im good. im really good and normal. i want to take a women to the shooting range and discuss guns culture. i love humor
#TagABeautifulGirl i demand a date. i need constant help with my bullshit. i am tired of girls making me sick. i want to like the good girls
#Bulls #Gators 
my name is WhiteMadeaFan55 and i demand ansers.
i wear the oj simpson glove while i post . thats just a small example of how fucked up i am. Dont make me tell u more
my opponent thinks hes hot shit releasing photos of me walking an iguana on a leash., but little does he know that iguana is Gentle creature
STEROID and CIGAR levels must remain equal . otherwise my organs will completely shut down and the quality of my posts will suffer immensely
choppy vhs footage of me jacking off in a guarded prison cell and yelling "THE SYSTEM WORKS" upon climax
"i hope they serve dumpsters in hell " me, eviscerating a dumpster diver verballym, before closing the dumpster lid on top of him
bigmouth fake priest telling me to "drink a shitload of holy water and kill yourself" as penance? this has happened at three churches now
my fav star?  it's the sun.  because the earth would be a cold piece of shit without it. i also like the website called "fav star" a lot.
after another day of getting Owned by #HateMail and #DeathThreats nothing beats coming home to my policeman wife and getting shot &amp; arrested
alright. so we narrowed the name of our band down to either Traces of Mondo or Pepsigasm. and i already printed out 90,000 Pepsigasm tshirts
please do not send any pictures of your legs to LegNut64.  he is not a real leg cop
*sees another discarded poland spring bottle on the side of the road filled with piss* haha. hell yes
the reason it costs hundreds of thousands of dollars to incarcerate people is that jail is really good and i like going there. Jail is good
its govenrment shutdown time mother fuckers *steals a shitload of small eggs from a bird nest* ha ha ha
i forgot to take off my joke shock ring before jerking off and the joke is on me because i flipped out and shot loads all over my curtains
how many years did it take for moses to build the ark??  trick question.  God built it
i judged a chili competition once, whcich would make it a very good idea to hire me, because i would be good at using judgement on things
the guy who pretended to work at pathmark and handed out free samples of dog dicks to innocent shoppers technically didnt break a single law
Food $200\nData $150\nRent $800\nCandles $3,600\nUtility $150\nsomeone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
who will be brave enough to create a 3d motion picture about talking guns. who will let the guns tell their story
The reason the "Cars" movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don't get that with real life cars
god intended for the creatures of his likeness to wear good tuxedos all the time and to paint their cars to look like it's wearing a car tux
i do print my posts out on index cards and dead drop them at city hall. you have to get your teeth in the game, other wise youre just shit
if you're ever wondering if im some other guy, the answer is yes, im him, unless it's bad to be him, then im not him, im a different person.
vvvvvvvvvv bullshit vvvvvvvvvv
When Jordache designer diapers were manufctured in 1994, they "seemed to symbolize Jordache's descent in the marketplace to discount outlets
ah! ah! i welcome the trolls, the haters, the  knuckleheads, the rudeboys, i welcome them to shit on my fucking worthless grave and kill me
let us discuss the recent unveiling of user "@TurdBozo " and how that affects our creative collaborative efforts like, artistically and shit
the straight truth. im richard simmons, rofl. i love kissing Monsanto Mwah Mwah. HOw's your twitter immersion now?? i also believe in God
anyone else see that full sail university masters in new media promo-tweet which offers us the opportunity to "learn blogging"? Look's legit
I HAVE COMBED THE INNERMOST REACHES OF DARKNET TO BRING YOU THIS REALLY SICK PICTURE OF PEOPLE FUCKING EACH OTHER IN SUITS OF ARMOR
i have evolved byeond the need for "furniture" and i enjoy resting on the floor like an animal while counting all the cool cash im saving
i put a firefly and a ladybug into a mason jar and have been closely monitoring their activities for 4 days. they have not fucked yet
alright now. just checking to see if there's any interest in a livestream of me speed running this entire bottle of hunts tomato ketchup
my grave is just a huge tv displaying videos of me doing parkour in hell and it makes all the other graves look like shit
the conflicted supersoldier stares over the horizon as he smokes a cigarette. "war is the most fucked up thing ever." he takes a sip of beer
kissing pictures of guns online is one of the most honorable ways to get strong
if you see a man in a fawkes mask walking down the highway with a sign that says "Gamestop: Power to the Players" that's me and i need water
let me tell you exactly why this t-shirt design of the tasmanian devil with angel wings is bullshit. first off, taz is not dead
"stuart little 2" isn;t funny. somebody had to say it
All Young Men Must Own A Spittoon At Some Point In Their Lives
it is generally agreed upon that my posts are considered to be the worst aspect of my twitter presence
if all the girls and women in this town want to secretly film me taking a huge piss, then that's their right and god bless em
i have paid my son's school bully over $50000 to detsroy me psychologically .
i have been secretly collecting my roommate's piss for 7 years. i dont know what to do with all of these jars of piss. i am extremely scared
i'm truly thankful towards Irritable Bowel Syndrome for becoming an integral component of my identity and shaping me into the man i am today
wishing i was home in my diaper playing xbox 360 insted of being in class listing to a professor lecture. #abdl
abdl
prime smut 
extremely good shit 
if they decide to replace the failing US dollar with killer quotes and refs from pg13 comedies then me and a lot of cool people will be rich
whoever sent me that vile picture of an undimpled necktie- congratulations for emotionally ruining a man and undoing years of therapy
huey lewis and the... PUBES?? haha. some things are too fucked up for even ME to submit on here...**backspace backspace backspace backspace*
a cool prank is to convince someone to join the Armed Forces and watch them get spooked by guns &amp; missiles in exchange for hollow gratitude
the shithead principal cowers under his desk and uses a stethoscope on the floor to listen for my rough n' tumble boots and trademark Gait
the absolute best place to hide your nudes is in a file folder on your desktop labelled "Clothes"
Never forget today. I haven't! It appears some have.
adult cop wrestler
to the trolls: i just bought a 5-pack of Oral-B electric toothbrush heads using points from my Chase Freedom card. could a child do that? no
If i catch U retweeting mainstream shit, like updates from The Weather Channel or pictures of food, youre finished. Go clean yourself up kid
Im Sucking Myself Off Right Now And I Hate It #Dateline
i have decided to forgo material pleasure so i can write about the experience and sell it to 
someone has filled the Stanley Cup with... BLood?? my god. such a powerful statement. how could we have been so blind. Sports is cancelled
here's a list of touhou girls i want to have as a Mom someday &amp; here is a copy of that list in case you accidentally throw it in the gabarge
judge refusses to award my criminal ex-wife ANY of my retweets or favs in the divorce proceedings #BLAMMO
huge disgusting man with extremely muscular fingers pokes at his tiny laptop while his emaciated servants groom him with squeegees #win
i will never allow myself to go to hell without finding a way to take my laptop and piss soaked mattress along with me
i hand the chipotle cashier my card. "i support indie" with a photograph of me winking. she looks up and sees me winking in real life also.
as an asmerican citizen i am entitled to the spookiest halloweens possible as required by the constitution of the united states
mean while, while you were "Gaming ", i tasted 100 different wines in a cave behind a waterfall and cried into a shaman's arms
this man just likened me to a group of masturbators because i believe in the importance of an ironed pair of slacks. how dare he
i'll just call every opinion i don't like a "Circle Jerk". i'll dominate everyone
ok. so apparently throwing knives at my car is A Thing now. apparently my Emphatic Capitalization is frowned upon by People Who Read Words
*kicks back and watches an algorithm remove all the circumcised people from my web ring* Huauha your fucked up dicks can't save you now
●▬▬▬▬▬▬๑۩۩๑▬▬▬▬▬▬●\n\n"We are the content makers,\nand we are the creators of memes."\n        -The Content Creator's Pledge\n\n●▬▬▬▬▬▬๑۩۩๑▬▬▬▬▬▬●
number 4.  the last one. i will hold this, The Content Creator's Pledge, close to my soul, on this sickening day of nine eleven. God bless
number three.  i will never take the advice of my lawyers, my loved-ones, and colleagues to #StopThePosts
Number two.  I will never apologize for defending myself from the onslaughts of jealous swine
i will never apologize for being wild about apps and upgrades
today's the 2nd anniversary of the really good 9/11-related post I made two years ago #BetterWithAge #LikeAFineWine #MorePower
Looking To Be Jacked Off Into A Basin - m4w - 32 (Trenton, NJ)
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
i have absolutely zero interest in friendship, i have absolutely zero interest in jokes, i am simply here to collect data and earn respect
go ahead, son. fuck your life up by taking that job as an ostrich breeder instead of working at my really good law firm until youre disabled
yes i can confirm that george zimmerman just fashioned a cocoon from Monster Energy cans and metamorphosed into a gun with angel wings #cool
well im going to keep this brief. i overexerted myself while responding to emails and got put up in the hospital. i basically need lungs now
i am beginning to doubt that most of the subscribers to my feed are mature enough to handle sniper info.
perhaps by shooting a mam to the moon, NASA is the greatest sniper of all? nope. bull shit. it is solid snake
the sniper lifestyle requires perfect animal instincts and also smoking. dont join my sniper squad if u havent forsaken humanity&amp; dont smoke
sniper flawlessly zaps the lid of my beer jar clean off. camera zooms in &amp; out on my astonished face accompanied by buckwild cartoon soundFX
*wactches a sniper headshot a butterfly while its still inside of the cocoon* Hm, absolute Ownage.  Ihave never seen anything that good.
this week's "Perfect Sniper Murder Hell Wish " goes out to that russian kid with cornrows who told me chester cheetah was a Dog in 5th grade
i love to do bare knuckle brawls and my garage is adorned with various pornos
NASCAR Forums >> Odds &amp; Ends >> what are some good podcasts to listen to while listlessly fucking my wife
i plan on giving the olympics a right proper bollocking for lifting the tokyo 2020 setting straight from my cat girl novella
*covers up apartment's only window with a "Keep Calm And Enjoy The Posts" sign* yes!! mother fucking yes !! this shit is Perfect! god DAMN!!
now for a joke. a man named "the turd coach" comes into my bathroom and blows the whislte at my toilet after i fill it with shit. Penalty
say what you will, but i truly believe that this man, this Adolf Hitler, was one of hte most buzzworthy racism-likers of the 20th centure.
a horrible mechanical abomination attaches itself to my skull and injects my latest Klout score directly into my brain every thirty seconds
*sees Tarantino get misquoted* You Bitch Mother Fucker *sees war supported on flimsy pretenses* Wlel, that's his beliefs and I respect that
once they put out a unicode symbol depicting a tiny ass i anticipate that the jokers &amp; miscreants on here will use it for criminal purpouse.
i love wearing clothes with words on them.  like a fucking caveman
brixon brings another round of buffalo chicken bagels into the abandoned office, placing them next to last weeks rotten batch. solemn ritual
i went to arizona accompanied by two desert goblins and smoked spirit leaf out of a human stomach
the truth is; a lot of these people making and laughing at shit and piss jokes are actually quite stoic when they're using the toilet
i take a vacation to hawaii to relieve myself of the Trolls. a group of hula girls begin beating me up &amp; calling me shit as soon as i arrive
i finally worked up enough courage to cry in front of the pregnant woman who frequents my gym
i plan on working very hard to shrink my dick in the coming monmths.  my goal dick is 2 inches erect
i habve been banned from over 200 dating services for being upfront and honest about my rotten, barbed dick
two men emerge from sensory deprivation tanks\n"I just attained oneness with all living beings"\n"I just fucked the Girl rabbit from SpaceJam"
the most important thing to realize for a safe and healthy labor day is that lizardmen are hiding in the trash, in graves, and in coffins
Time to shit. I excuse myself from the dinner table and enter a square, marble room with an obelisk in the center. I lock the door behind me
MOE\nHitler mrudered over 9million people you numbskull\n\nMoe uses the claw of a hammer to yank on Curly's nostrils\n\nCURLY\nNyuuaagghh!!
a teen approached me at the food court and said "I see you wore your clown costume today" and i spent the next 9 hours processing the insult
Laughs Right In The Home Depot Man's Face When He Says They Don't Have Any Bird Baths For Sale
the military industrial complex spent $99bil on dixie cups to ensure that not a single drop of our troops genetically superior cum is wasted
i believe our Good Troops will try really really hard to make sure that the next 100,000 human beings they exterminate are losers and nerds
thius is not said nearly enough by all you ungrateful, unappreciative fucking jackals on here, but thank you @CNN. Thank you for the news
dont count the celebs out just yet, fellas.... i got the feeling theyre planning all sorts of those madcap stunts that drive all of us #WILD
.@ToiletHelper hasn't tweeted yet. @CumDragon hasn't tweeted yet. @ShitLad hasn't tweeted yet. @Fat666 hasn't tweeted yet. @CleanUncle hasn'
a football jersey with "BAD SON" as the player's name found in a dumpster
one of my avatars is a floating skull with a big dick and sometimes my other avatars suck the skull's dick
Police of reddit, what is the funniest thing someone you are arresting has said? (self.askreddit)
digmon otis once mistook a beached toilet for a dolphin egg
i will not hear any more talk of mars needing moms
lets set some realistic goals here : jokes banned by 2016.  sex banned by 2020.  a cop in every household by 2025
im going to be very upset if I shell out a thousand big ones for google's glass only for it to be 100
 legal for people to do jokes about it
This is more for the seasoned hookah smoker.\n2 subscribers, a community for 2 months
This is realhookah, not /r/hookah. This isn't for posting pics of the same hookahs in different positions, with different shit in the base.
i had an actual good tweet to post tonight but a tower of filthy dog cages collapsed on top of me before i could write it
every animal in my house is dying for some reason and i can't handle bullshit right now
i go online to learn which cartoon characters fuck each other and log right back off before the corruption sets in
please get me the list of the dorks who have me blocked on this goddamned website so i can kick their lawn up with my cowboyboots
my dick and my ass are normal
every day i thank God for making it illegal for cops to kill and beat me
my body is 70
 water mother fucker.  guns cannot harm me
im quitting my job as muscle beach lifeguard to achieve my dream of becoming the north korean secretary of teen moms
BURY ME WITH MY ASS.........
plpease post suggestions for some wicked fucked up aspect ratios to help me trick my treacherous wife into thinking the tv is broken
moving pictures are a sin upon this earth
satan has his filthy little hand in my google serach priority and now when people look up my username they get pictures of dead camels
i woudl advise against "going commando", or wearing pants without underwear. the last time i did this i got a deep turd infection and died
>>ATTEMPTING TO SEND FILE 'LIST_OF_CARPETS_I_REFUSE_TO_FUCK_ON_PART1.doc'\n>>ACEPT\n>>PLEASE ACCEPT\n>>ATTEMPT FAILED
buried in the center of stonehenge is a leather portfolio case filled with nude images of me.  i consider these my most powerful nudes
i just sucked my own dick and got poisoned. no podcast tonight
You know, from the tone of your posts, it seems as though you actually WANT the Jeff Dunham brand to fail .
suck 100 metal dicks for a 1/256 chance of viewing a lovely 3d cutscene
i am truly baffled that some people would rather watch amc's "Breaking Bad" than indulge themselves in the good shit i constantly post here.
im now aware of a vulgar &amp; objectionable program named"Rocky &amp; Bullwinkle". sign my blogtition to yank this disgusting shit off the airwaves
i just got an email asking me to join The Rat Pack. need to know if its real or not before i move to belarus to make textiles with my uncles
fourteen of my beautiful sons exploded in God's War and the army sent me a gorgeous mantlepiece of a wolf that I kiss everyday
something like 43
 of our nations topsoil is actually cave man shit.  fucked up
Damn. Egypt's in trouble.  Hold on im coming *DRops anonymous mask on patio and hoses it off real quick*
soryr guys.  the boss just yanked my privacy tarp off and all further content is on hold until i can retrieve it
running a search for "fuck church" every sunday morning and scrolling through the assortment of wild teen yells is my version of church
inbox full of people apologizing to me for their tweets. "Im Sorry Sir" "Ill Do Better Sir" i blow a shitload of cigar smoke onto the screen
demonius darkblade has The Nuke, i can confirm that this large man has obtained a nuclear device and intends to use it on rude posters
cAN A SHERIFF FROM ANYWHERE ARREST THE pRESIDENT,THERE YOU GO
so what kind of Jeans shampoo do you use?  paul mitchell's denim advantage??  good luck with that you fucking cretin
requesting preorder status on "Def Comedy Jam Tennis" - PS4 - Release Date: 7/8/15 (JPN) , TBA (USA)
i just got word from cigarnet that the government has a secret vault full of #GUNS
bouncing my large mean ass on top of a shitload of stolen mannequin legs (girl)
if i ever find a sincere or heartfelt post on your feed im gonna take a SHIT ON YOu
thank you for emailing me the picture of the pillsbury doughboys dick while my dad and all my uncles were standing right behind me. Not
my name is Tony Turds and i demand for people to take me seriously everty time i talk and also for people to like me
i can in the year of our lord 2013 verify once and for all that shrimp are NOT baby birds
i spend the majority of my computer time #Frowning
The one thing that I am truly the most sick of dealing with online is Ignorance Likers .
need one of those janet jackson sun shaped nipple rings to protect my stupid-ass pud from hell cherubs
i'll be wrapping this hog in tinfoil to protect my dryrub from the NSA until all this bluster dies down
i cannot live in a world where OrgyPrince calls me an "Orgy Coward" just because i refuse to attend his disgusting orgy
the soldier yanks a perfect pair of blue jeans out from a pile of ashes while surveying a burned out truck. may god damn these perfect jeans
Dear drigl,\nAn item you listed in the Community Market has been sold to Osama Bin Laden.  Your Steam Wallet has been credited 0.27 USD.
i singlehandedly brought the OJ Simpson brand back from the brink of calamity and by God I will protect Yahoo. com from these online devils
#HowToResistSex meditate upon the untapped potential of The Cloud and crank off
i fully intend to topple the DigimonOtis empire via a coordinated campaign of viral folk songs bolstered by my partnership w/ Bob Evans Inc.
i had not felt emotion in over 20 yrs. not until baby crash bandicoot's reunion with regular crash bandicoot moved me to actual human tears
we're here to discuss the cultural merit of "Baby Crash Bandicoot RPG". please leave if you have nothing of value to add to the conversation
and n9ow people are being abusive instead of helping me so i am just going to shut the monitor off and sit in the pitch blackness for awhile
some of my more savvy followesr are telling me they are called "trauma shears" but i need a pair specially formulated for a large mans needs
i want a medical expert to hook me up with those scissor that cut all your clothes off in like 2secs because im a large man &amp; its a struggle
i got stuck in a bramble brush while scouting for trolls and contracted heartworms and the fuckface twitter mods refuse to compensate me
☠   ☠   ☠  CLICK ON MY ASS FOR MORE TWEETD   ☠   ☠   ☠
i dedicate this oscar to the caveman who invented electricity, because without him― Film would cease
i;m selling my piss and shit back to the grid
No results found for "i invented black borat"
Dr. Who gives a fuck
Dr who gives a shit
Dr Who gives a damn
dippin my head out there for some hardball strapthug coplikes to handle my doofus and preg me down ,no wise guy shit #nerdland
i.. im gonna lose it!! im absolutely ready to crap all my damn cum out !!!
let me explain it to you fucking nerds one more time; this aaccount is Above Humor. You will not find jokes on it.
one thing my brand will never associate itself with is piles of filthy leaves
HUNGRY-MAN™ was so impressed by my Content Flow &amp; My Trademark 'Tude that they hired me as Asst.Toilet Boy and let me lick the factory floor
CRISIS: "TrueBloodGamer" just switched his steam handle to "TroubledGamer" and is NOt responding to ANY messages, we must bow in cyberprayer
Please Click On The Tiny, Burning Earth To Discover My Weblog
In Second Life. Im the toilet who slides around and asks superior avatars to use me, please track me down if you want to discuss "Politic's"
I am selling 10,000 of my followers to @CampBowWow for Nine Cents. Starting tomorrow you will be following @CampBowWow instead of me.  Bye
" BLOOD CURSE " to all the terrible motorists who threw debris into my bathtub as i carried it along the highway and made it really heavy
what i need is one of my girl follower to shovel garbage off of my dick so i can jack off and post a numerical rating of the ordeal online
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8x10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
damn!! heres one for ya: if the classic dancing 3d baby aged normally, he would be turning 6,270 years old today #Whoa #TimeGoesByMan
Perhaps the tier I aspire to achieve the most is that of the Milk Bone brand. Such flawless precisIon. Beauty; Grace. Truly awe inspiring .
Perhaps the tier I aspire to achieve the most is that of the Milk Bone brand. Such flawless precisIon. Beauty; Grace. Truly awe inspiring .
im IP banned from this site in the usa but my Dubai account is good to go
why won't anyone fight me on this site. i want to slam one of you smug motherfuckers to hell, with the good words that i type and post here.
let me justt play devil's advocate here and say that eating shit is really good and im a dumb shithead and i love shit
if your grave doesnt say "rest in peace" on it you are automatically drafted into the skeleton war
everytime i click on the skull, a random dweeb's computer chair spins around at a million miles per hour and collapses underneath his ass
"big the cat" is the most compelling figure that has ever existed in any form of media, and that includes book `s .
#FreshmanAdvice i will demolish you with my perfect upper body forever because seniors rule the shit out of this school
you are treated to the serene visage of a waterfall cascading against the rocks. the camera pans out and its me vomiting all over my balls
I GOt Fired From QVC For Describing A Pair Of Jeans As "EuroVamp"
im sensing some major bullshit coming from the graveyard
i had a dream that Jared from subway followed me &amp; we started discussing new media objectives over DM. when i woke up i was eating my pillow
my follower count decreases when i use these words: dick, cum, ass, turds. it goes up when i use these: brand, multimedia, sports, pepsicola
i just shot a wicked load across the hood of m y dad's monte carlo and i'm feeling hetero as all hell
all cops on twitter please help. i found this fuckin egg on a bus seat where a large man was just sitting. how do i properly dispose of it
hello 911 police? ?  yeah the official pf changs twitter account just unfollowed me. please put this message in the Files. thank u officer.
The most fucked up possible thing has happened.  Porno has returned to cyberspace.
CALLING ALL MUSCLEFREAX— a country named "Ethiopia"' severely lacks Muscles. let's hit the bench and get heavy in their honor. #MuscleCrisis
while you all dunce around here and kiss the stupid royal baby's dick; i'll be absorbing the scooby doo subreddit with a glass of #PaleAle .
#RoyalBabyNames asshole doofus motherfucker from hell
.@Hair The cashier stood motionless, facing away from me while I attempted to purchase hair from your establishment in Galveston, TX. #Prank
Hrm. This is troubling. *loads another nude woman* This absolutely will not do. *loads pictures of Modern Architecture* Ah, now this is good
The Foundation For The Restoration Of American Honor Has Given President Barack Hussein Obama A Hitler Rating Of 34.  This Is The Worst One.
i had a nightmare that i kept clicking the logout button and it just kept logging me into this website again and again
WHAT DO WE WANT\n"Memes"\nWHEN DO WE WANT IT\n"Instead of regular jokes"
bone prank: drop pieces of your skeleton in strategic locations to spook nincompoops and lame-os
i overhear 2 social media experts discussing hardcore brand strats for 2015. Next Level. i immediately duck into a restroom &amp; hyperventilate
web MD just told me I have "Fuckface Lymphoma" and that im an "Aids Man".  in light of this humbling news id like to apologize for my posts
DEAR COP WHO BUSTED MY FRONT TEETH IN FOR SELLING TOWELS ILLEGALLY,  THANK U. IM ON THE RIGHT TRACK NOW. PETSMART HIRED ME TO JACK DOGS OFF
The Bayer corporation proved the link between Masturbation and Homosexuality in 1968. Thbe debate is over.
nude bathing was invented by the vile criminal slave class of the byzantine empire and it drove the kind &amp; decent noblemen absoutely bonkers
*waches the Race War unfold in filthy computer chair, multiple tabs open, cnn msnbc, gawkrer, salon, milk duds** now THis is some good shit,
the classics(art carney, sid caesar) woud SHIT THEMSELVES if they saw these newer performers who INSIST on displaying their genitals always,
ENOUGH *Throws All My Jacking Off Books And Jacking Off Memorabilia Into The Garbage*
Kathleen Turner will star for director Herb Ross at MGM in the comedy feature "Cloak and Diaper,'' a Michael Lobell-Andrew Bergman productio
PigPissBen banning anyone who reposts the PigPissLou photos. PigPissWayne and PigPissEllis have already fallen victim to this PigPissTyranny
PigPissClyde hid in a bush for 2 hrs and took secret photos of PigPissLou wiping bird shit off his windshield with a chipotle bag. Pure win,
peeking into police station window, watching the cops Fuck each other. duane eddy's "Rebel Rouser" is playing and im nodding my head in tune
simpsons marches onward into season 394. characters morph into grotesque mockeries over 100s of years. homer advocates cock and ball torture
i lure a group of newly hatched baby turtles into an abandoned warehouse using a photo of the ocean and turn them into moths #GOthicOrder
Where were u when I was being mouthed off at. Where were u when my brand was tarnished by Mockers. Where were u when i got called a "Prick".
arms begin to glow &amp; expand. "We must secure the existence of our people and a future for True Gamers." yes!! yes! im feeling more power tha
i just cracked into aCiDnEt and got my grubby mitts on BigCasper's [No_Incest] edit of the spike lee oldboy remake and im sippin #DraftBeer
nobody's allowed to criticize anytyhing or talk about anything or like anything until my shitty terrible account gives the official go-ahead
i hold hands w ith my teen son *spikes the microphone*
hm?  whats that?  my dick looks like bozo the clown's dick?  listen punk. i know for a fact you have never seen bozo the clown's dick
my dick sucks balls. pray for my dick
my disrespectful teen son somehow got  hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
my crippling fear of Hell makes me  post really good things on my timeline #blessed
i suppport LGBT... and GBLT ((photo montage of me sinking my teeth into a Good BLT)) #DaringJokes #HeWentThere
shitter　实在太牛了
posing next to a jeep and handing out business cards at the high school i graduated from 8 years ago, explicitly stating i do NOT followback
a mudslide engulfs a small village as I obliviously powerwash my bluejeans uphill
i will pay a jpeg specialist up to $500 to put a black bar over the ass &amp; pussy of my beloved rottweiler before i send the pic to my father.
i've been spat upon. i've been dragged through the streets. i've been pissed on to the Nth degree. all for the sake of making good ass posts
I have decided to officially unfollow "@Budweiser", on account of their complete lack of original, informative, or compelling content.
Nudity is perverse.  Nudity is an act of war
i'm absolutely covered head to toe in lotion and i am ready to sign on. you all have the privilege of interacting with a fully lotioned man
as we speak, RickGameCube, Bradley_X, GodlyWalter17 and myself are planning an attack on the terrorist organization known as "Al-Qaeda"
due to the actions of bastards and human slime, my agent has advised me to deactivate my account for 18 hrs, to punish my disloyal followers
you are all too concerned wih your fucking "Brands" to help a mman who was absolutely in hell for 4 hours you turncoat motherfuckers of shit
zero of my so-called twitter pals gave me a phone call or offered me any aid during my harrowing ordeal iwth the hacker. may god punish you.
HACKED BY ÝSKORPÝTX\n TURKISH HACKER\n  THE ISLAM IS SUPERIOR - YOU WILL DRAW YOUR PUNISHMENT \nGeorge W. Bush (1946 - ... )...2007\n FUCKED USA
trolls have found a terrible new way to antagonize me. it is called "retweeting" and it works by exposing my posts to scammers &amp; crumb bums.
i sit on a throne made out of dead Freshmen and drink wine from a Freshman's skull. all this can be yours if you become a cyber bully.
*circles "become gay" on a whiteboard*
i think that turning myself Gay in the summer of 2013 would really impress my overseas investors
i can tell how beautiful a man`s soul is by putting both of my hands on the hood of his car and thrashing my neck around to awaken  god
whenever i elevate my professional vitae through mind-blowing, dynamic content, i reward myself by fucking a book of carpet samples #Toonami
dont come on my account and lecture me about manual transmission until yoauve gotten BOTH of your balls snug up inside of a sweet sugar babe
The absolute shit Im forced to put up with as a content Producer. Ive sacrificed my basic human rights in order to placate U fucking people.
- barack "knock 'um down" obama -\n
my meme dissertation should be "put into the toilet"??  perhaps the only thing that should be put into the toilet are your harsh criticisms.
MetalGearEric: You are being tried in the court of gamers for calling Ninja Gaiden "Weiner Gaiden", even though it is not called that at all
GRIZZLED WEB VETERAN: I KNOW 100 DIFFERENT WAYS TO OWN A MAN...\nME: I Sure Hope Nobody Poisons My Dick\nGRIZZLED WEB VETERAN: MAKE THAT 101..
with advancements in technology we will someday be able to watch a 3d animated version of larry the cable boy go to vegas &amp; get into trouble
someday mankind will evolve beyond "jokes" and i'll be allowed to paint big ugly dicks all over my house without suffering derisive laughter
sometimes i gaze towards the beautiful endless sky and wish that i was a bird.  so that i could piss and shit out of the same hole
Im here to addmindister beatings to all of the liars and cowards in this hot tub
waving flags, honking horns, trying to coax the kfc golem into shitting all over my mouth and my picnic
i love to build illegal temples around town. i love scrubbing my pitbull down with big piles of soap bubbles. i love to fuss and raise shit.
it is extremely fair to say that my entire pelvic dick area resembles the singular breast of a pregnant European
Yeah, some of us like to network with successful brands on twitter.  The rest of you want to join hippy communes and suck the hippys' dicks.
.@Budweiser Check out my tweets.  I like the stuff you post on here.  Please, have a look at my page. Love the 'Weiser. Bye.
yes. i can confirm that craigsli$t will flag your job listing for removal if you accidentally title it "buffalo wild wings toilet fuck".
assault on liberty: the local farms have begun smearing dragon blood on their pig troughs to keep me away from them
the dj who makes crude dog noises on my radio every day should listen to my rare metals podcast &amp; learn how a real content producer behaves.
i'm just like you, pal. eivery morning i put on my straight hetero jeans one leg at a time and pour myself some straight hetero raisin bran.
ＵＮＣＵＴ\n►ᴹᴬᴸᴱ◄
need nonviolent methods to knock out these security cams fucking up my protest of public toilet
just installed 500 security cameras around my compound &amp; my sony wonderstation refuses to interface with a single one! hungry grab a snicker
how could a man with $0 get one of you 3d printer eggheads to print up some wild runestones for my daddy-daughter astral ascension ceremony
im 14 year s old and im already more psychic than my dad
how dare you fuck with me.  how dare you fuck with me , on the year of Luigi
cursed pair of google glasses adds world star hip hop watermark to everything i look at and cannot be removed from face
as someone who receives the middle finger daily, i have the authority to state that using both hands is superfluous and absurd. doesn't help
if the twitter man is reading this: i don't like the fact that people are "following' this account and i would like that feature turned #OFF
"rat rod shit shack"
Q: are nerds allowed to read your tweets\nA: no. absolutely not. only businessmen and christian women are permitted to read my tweets.
i was also goig to make a joke about how putting a dry rub on the vaccines makes them cause less autism but the science is still out on that
that's the end of my dry rub rant. it's just my opinion. i have already received 20 death threats. i fucking dare you to block and report me
i cannot eat this bowl of rice until i've personally applied a louisiana-style dry rub to each grain. i refuse to eat like a peasant
hell ill dry rub anything.  an unpeeled banana. fruit gushers. all contain a latent power which begs to be unleashed by a superb spice blend
it's that time of the year when my father sends me pictures of jails and tells me that i must learn to Respect a good barbecue dry rub
sort of bullshit that im not allowed to be the wendy's mascot just because im repugnant to most people &amp; woudl negatively impact their sales
i scan the docs &amp; id the perp. "The Radio Shack Masturbator". bounty on his head. i put 100 bullets into my pistol and hit the god damn road
click this post to worship Everlasting Slime until your cold, lonesome death, the uncleansable taste of Shit ruining your throat and tongue
click this post to devote yourself to Zesty Ranch from now to eternity , the cool, crisp satisfaction that all good mouths adore
click this post to spiritually align yourself with Hot Nacho , the devilishly delightful blend of actual nacho spices imported from DarkNet
*stealthily dumps an entire bottle of gnc 100
 pro performance whey protein into the dog's food dish * oh hey what's going on i was just uh,
i am about 50
 certain that the doctors who took turns punching my egregious chode during my eye exam violated the hippocratic oath
obama and his crack team of nsa crooks watching me shit: "sir, he's scooting backwards so his dick doesn't touch the rim" "Thuis guy's good"
i spend 2hrs on my back with my legs spread so it looks like the sun is setting into my ass from my perspective."haha the sun fucking sucks"
ever since i had that srtoke at cold stone creamery i feel as though i am more in tune with spirits, and the like
a quick e3 prayer: i call upon our lord in heaven to ensurre that these perfect video games are not lambasted by criminal journalists. aman
i will gladly purchase the Horrifying new xbox for each room in my home and expose my nude body to its mandatory camera daily for kfc points
maintainig one of the last serious accounts on this fucked up website is an emotional burden that could be likened to the trials of christ .
pikced up some arcane yoga tech that will suck my balls up behind my gut and allow me to achieve a marvelous Thigh Gap #ProAna #GapBoyReal
my cousin was charged with arson(Bullshit) , and i was thinking we could all help out by drawing up some memes to display in his prison cell
"☆ ★ One day, Miss Hannah Minx escaped from an anime cartoon and started teaching Japanese on Youtube. ☆ ★ ヽ(*゜▽゜*)ノミ" me too. that;s me
caught my son running a google search for " shit stain pussy ". i am beyond distraught.  we are strictly a Bing family
when i was young, i always dreamed of becoming an artist. at age twelve, my father taught me how to tie a Square Knot.  Now i hate art,
i summarily reject the notion that i derive R-Rated pleasure by having jack-booted meatheads from ACORN kick me around like a chewtoy
sorry for drawing this out but its important to note that im in Full Submission Mode, waiting for CIA's pig-faced cronies to whip &amp; chain me
i hereby hand this twitter account to Obama's Thugs aand permit them to beat the crust outta me screaming and to piss on me. no trial. amen
if cops can see this account already: im sorry for all my posts ,t force me to lick your boots CLEAN sir,  im a bastard who needs punishment
trolls using "#ff" to add me to cruel watchlists for oppressive police beasts; ONCE AGAIN fucking me over, ONCE AGAIN making me shit myself
i am taking my 34-year-old son into town to buy him his very first pair of clip-on suspenders and we are both very excited
i've been publicly unfollowed by "lawyer ron" because of you fucking people
theres an inherent sense of nobility, or perhaps honor, in the Shit that i post, that distinguishes me form my peers. undetectable, but real
this gradient they applied to the iconic kellogg's logo is of no use to me. i think i will write them a nasty little letter
the audience is encouraged to sink bullets into my protruded red baboon ass while i struggle to recite prose written on a toilet paper tube
i show my son the mandated GMO labeling on a pair of jeans at the store. "that's how you know it's a good cut. this is a good cut of denim."
The offending article of clothing read "Big Bird Sucked My Dick &amp; All I Got Was This Lousy TShirt". I have blocked this person from my life,
if e3 does NOT #ShowUsTheGames, KeyBladeWalter, "Epic" Wayne Briggs and I will engage in disciplined self-immolation on the disgusting floor
who are my top creative influences? easy.  the geico cavemen. where do i draw the majority of my inspiration frpm? easy. the geico cavemen .
#e3rumors a stodgy executive wil get on stage, spread his legs, and officially "give birth" to the new xbox. millions will detest this stunt
and then there was PreCumGary, a remarkable man who, despite his name, never allowed ihmself to release pre-cum during sex and masturbation.
i was promised awful, screaming cicadas by the millions. i am starting to think i busted out my CICADA MAN 2013 t-shirt for nothing.
hah. i just read the entire bible and i'm still a lost., confused idiot. nice try, God. #BIbleFails
"all hail the PrankMAster, the King of Cranks", scrawled onto the wall next to my blue corpse and a rescue inhaler filled with tabasco sauce
my step dad is apparently too busy kissing his shitty wife to attend my 55+ senior rugby league games. OH and guess what, we lost. Fuck tyou
there is absolutely no greater account on twitter than @DinoMiteBarney. consistently on point , no guff, what else can i say . check it out
everyone please stop fucking posting for a second; i think i just inhaled a hair
everyone please stop fucking posting for a second; i think i just inhaled a hair
i for one will be taking the high road by reserving judgement for the really good grumpy cat movie until ive seen it and bought the blueray.
the champagne-sipping hipsters are constantly begging me to make my account more "INDY"... but i got 1 thing to say to ya― NOT A CHANCE BUB!
the advent of nanotechnology will eliminate sex when the tiny robots learn to massage our prostates and drink every drop of our terrible cum
imagine a guy whose desktop computer is an integral part of his drum set and he posts by tapping the keyboard with his sticks and it's me
twitter to me, is a Collaborative Experience. ergo,when you shit on my posts it creates a rippling effect that corrupts the souls of all men
see?? it's happenig again. people are blocking me because i'm posting my opinion. @Doritios is sending me crude messages again. fuck twitter
everyday i am harassed constantly by the phantoms of my own bullshit. my posts get me into trouble. please follow @Dril on twitter dot com.
who is that vile man lurking around outside of "ROFLCon" with a notepad, standing on trashcans trying to peek inside of the windows and shit
i got a booth set up outside of the casper, WY red lobster to promote &amp; expand my brand presence. if you speak to me i will call the police.
you all can send me breast milk now.  thank you
my dick is satire
think you got it rough? try engineering blog posts while trying to suck down two whole baby bottles full of muscle milk before Solstice ends
feel obligated to inform TL: i accidentally touched a girl dog's nipple while petting it— deep apologies but ready to grow &amp; learn from this
I think the world should be in diapers and toilet should be thrown away
ok go to your browser and type in godly erics twisted as fuck burger king reviews dot com slash good shit slash Clinton Soundboard dot s w f
my hype man is notable. someone get the president of wikipeda on the horn and command him to resign for this shit job 
mmy "hype man", if you will, is a tiny 80-year-old guy who follows me around and apologizes for everything i say and do in a pitiful voice
claiming reserved table for "uncle clean jeans."  not on the list?  hmm.  what about "big uncle clean jeans." no? shit. try "kurt." ok ggood
my booming voice echoes from the depths of your recently flushed toilet.  "NICE TURDS IDIOT. HA HA HA"
#momsandbrands now were talkin. can i network here. i'm a normal, real person. i think youre all good #LonelyWantuingDates #GoodAtBrandsAlso
i do in fact keep a trash can under my desk so i can spit up a few nauseous loads whenever i get publicly humiliated by people retweeting me
phew. just served 4 years in afghanistan and not a single person saw my dick while I was over there. not one. hope they got a medal for that
it is official. im taking my football to prom and im going to kiss it and the nerds will never stop me. i cannot wait to savor their anguish
I have just obtained a historic deleted segment from Disney's Fantasia. It features a middle-aged man in an NFL jersey buying light bulbs
"what are ya.." i said to his face. "some kind of a FReak cop?" he desperately reached for his badge but it was fused permanently to his leg
I'm Sorry For Raising Cain At The Out Back Steak House Even Though It's Still Bullshit That They Refuse To Serve Me A Plate Of Just Croutons
so if the admin posts pictures of his varicose vein clusters it's ok, but when i do it my avatar is replaced with hands gripping prison bars
whats the deal with people handing me receipts after i buy things!! i dont want this!! fuck you!! fuck you!! fuck you!! fuck you! #Stand #Up
i'll find it
there's a twitter room where people with verified accounts go to talk shit about me and shit on my good name and make me look like shit
As a Digimon fan for over 10 years, I never heard of someone named DigimonOtis in the Digimon community, so his input is also invalid.
that'sd right folks!! i, adolf hitler, have been PRETENDING to like rap this whole time so people would consider me more eclectic! Ha Ha Ha!
Good Lord 
there are rifts in the Frankenstein community regarding whether or not igor was tasked with jacking the monster off to keep it docile
wish Obama would authorize some drone strikes against my ex-wife! *the act takes a more serious tone* Instead of doing Benghazi.
#GooglePlayMusic ha ha some guy spent a billion dollarsr to put this boring ass hashtag on the trending list. fuck you idiot
PRANK: say The Simpsons got cancelled and tape everyone's reaction. alter the footage later to make it look like their balls are hanging out
received some very important secret documents regarding the Masturbators. not only do they enjoy touching their dicks, they also worship sex
mayor unveils a huge tombstone engraved with "Incest". i chain my jeep to it and rip it down. mayor surrenders and names town "Incestville"
"Ah!! Lunchtime, Boys!" i snort several lines of Hamburger Helper, tilt my head back and shake with unbearable agony as my head turns purple
me and some extremely crude boys in a pickup truck scream "hipster" at some kid's lemonade stand then crash into a turtle and eat shit hard
guess what smart guy. cavemen didn't brush their teeth either, but look how strong they were. they also detested sports
now i will be the first to admit that im an irredeemable son of a bitch/. however, i am also a piece of shit with no brain.
the problem with some things today is that they arent good. but when you say that, Oop! Surprise! i'm being argued with and shitted uppon. h
i would watch a movie of a james bond kind of guy doing spy shit and rolling around on the floor and striking gun poses and it's set in hell
im being TROLLed because of my pro-nascar beliefs for fuck sake!! why dont any of you care!?! why are you all just posting more jokes!?!
there are dead guys with verified accounts, yet i am barred from consideration due to the actoins of my enemies, or "Haters", on this page .
get me some of that fuckin Travolta denim
i cast 1million holy spells on my yankee candle and now it never burns out and the flame grows taller when rowdy celebs appear in the news
the guy who put up this shield to prevent me from pissing on the public toilet paper should have considered my personal liberties beforehand
to everyone talking shit about my fine motor skills: *gives the Finger, checks to see if correct finger is extended, it isn't, tries again*
#blogcon2013 waddling around the auditorium trying to find a place to set up my custom pc tower with "BOYS BOYS BOYS" painted on the side
#blogcon2013 im here and if you so much as look at me without having a Verified Account my devices will emit an ear-piercing defense screech
looking forward to getting in some #YardWork today!! *trims 200 square feet of lawn with a riding mower and collapses like a sack of shit*
#BenghaziInFourWords MORTIMUS BELLUM PESTILENTIA BENGHAZI
the police gave me my wacom tablet back 
stop FUCKING calling me "EPIc Divorce Man", or i will terminate my pogo account and take my tokens wiht me. i am not a MEME, im a HUMAN BEIg
on my deathbed, surrounded by loved ones, i bid farewell. i explode into 1000 totino's pizza rolls and everyone in the room tries to grab em
this needs to be addressed. if you see me along the road, please do not intentionally ram me with your car. this is the 4th time this happen
best is when you're shopping for bedsheets and you see one with a lousy thread count and you say to your buddies "this poiece of shit sucks"
#WalgreensLatino please stop posting my username
i refuse to conform to typical standards by being "clever" or "funny ". i will never betray my spiritual honor by "posting good things"
summoner draws a venn diagram on the floor with circles labeled "rude" &amp; "illegal". my fat face emerges from the center and begs for treats
instagram??  thats a laugh.  if i wanted to see pictures of things i'd pray for eyeballs
i hope someone steals my tweets. because.. theyre bad! haha load them up in a big chuck wagon and take them to criminal hq where they belong
what is quickest way to get sprayed by a skunk in a discreet maner
#freejahar friends, i have just learned of another passionate freedom fighter who was betrayed by the us government 
ibm scientists place two atoms next to each other to create "world's tiniest ass." government orders them to return grant money immediately
The wine imparts a foreign bitterness. How could he betray me? We were brothers. I fall to the ground. Execute a partial curl. One last rep.
AS THE GUILLOTINE SLIDES TOWARDS MY NECK, I PRODUCE A TINY BARBELL I'VE BEEN HIDING IN MY MOUTH AND LIFT IT WITH MY TONGUE. ONE LAST REP
I DRIVE OFF OF A CLIFF AND SCRAMBLE TO RIP THE AXLE OFF OF MY CAR AND LIFT IT ABOVE MY HEAD AS I PLUMMET TOWARDS CERTAIN DOOM. ONE LAST REP
kill yoursefl if you follow any of these brands: pepsi, mars bar. put a badge on your page if you follow these brands: eggland best, nabisco
if you have ever disagreed with anyone about anything youre a sociopathic piece of shit
please stop posting unofficial crabby road strips. i a m sick of seeing our beloved maxine being used to denigrate the lord and our troops .
my next 4,000 tweets are dedicated to all the good babes of japan and beyond
few things about this account. this is no gimmicks, strigaht from the hip, real shit. i dont "DO" pranks or gags. logged on, at your service
there should be a policeman on the premises when they're naming these damn horses so they stop giving them names that aren't serious or real
"ey!! im walkin here" - me getting waterboarded by the us government
BIG Bible Town is a multiplayer online game set in a 1st century world. The objective of the game is to create your own unique BIG Bible Tow
does anyone like star wars?? well have i got a joke for you. today is may 4th, which sounds like, "may the fourth be with you", and that;s a
next issue:  should miserable, long-winded diatribes about what constitutes art be considered "Art" ???
the villagers gather at the summit to hear my horrendous impersonations of futurama characters and grant me offerings of ivory and fruit
i have never lived down the moment i pulled my pants down in the locker room and all the gym boys noticed that my dick was wearing glasses
hm?? sorry, didn't see u there. i was just digesting a fascinating piece about how reading twitter for 9 hrs a day makes you a BEtter person
getting my loan approved at the bank by lying on my back and executing a series of flawless air kicks right there in the lobbby
#unpopulargamingopinions games are, in fact, NOT art, with the sole exception being Bugs Bunny Crazy Castle (1989)
#unpopulargamingopinions nmario and luigi are Virgins
i am notr, nor ever have been, a nerd, and i have used some very powerful swear words on this website that would blow most nerds socks off
i have performed の祈り<mouth prayer> in all 4 directions of the compass to stop ShirtlessClyde94 from leaking photos of my ghoulish pud to TMZ
#FreeJahar New DHS rule bans Jahar's mom from giving her son a hug. Im crying.  Everything is so fucked up.
#FreeJahar knock knock. who's ther.e?  jahar's innocence. the us gov wants to spend $5billion on a helicopter but cant afford jahar's trial.
#FreeJahar this is the $5billion helicopter obama wants to build instead of giving jahar fair trial. 
#FreeJahar obama smirks as he signs the order for a $5 Billion Helicopter while the boston police beg him to pay for $2500 Jahar trial. sick
#FreeJahar obama jsut ordered construction of a $5billion helicopter but no trial for Jahar because "we can't afford it". this is FUCKED UP
one thing I will Not tolerate on this site is users organizing and planning "Orgies", also known as Group Sex.
going back to switch the auto-capitalized 'i's in my post to lowercase so people don't think im some fucked up nerd
hmm. myaybe we should tax Stupid People. and hipster. *the nation stands and applauds, I enjoy a successful career in legislature for 60yrs*
i invented the "bacon is good" joke. i invented the meme of people liking bacon. all sorts of people are copping my gag and im pissed
a man in argentina is willing to surgically transfer hair from my Buffoonish ass to my weak, infantile chest and tattoo a jawline to my neck
#questionsobamawontanswer SHOW US YOUR DICK
ok.  so apparently rap did exist in the 90s. and i apologize. all the other objectionable bullshit i post here is real, though
the good things i like about 90s is there were no hipsters, no rap, and your odds of getting an infection at a hospital were slightly higher
still got my holographic Alan .. this sucker would go for $40 on eBay but i prefer kissing it every night and whispering "90es" #TopShelf90s
best 90s memory is gathering around the old oak tree with the boys and passing around trading cards featuring all of our dads #DamnGood90s
love, friendship, beauty– it all crumbles into dust.  but Memes are eternal
it i s a DISGRACE that these people are finding exciting, new ways to get horny without my express written permission
im one of the best supporters of gay on this site. but. the top priority of the nba is putting the numbers up. we cant let players get horny
what if all the locker room heteros want to kiss the gay player &amp; it messes up their performance on the court? can we truly afford this #NBA
somehow my "JOKE HATER" sweatband gets me more compliments at the gym than my decidedly ripped form
if you receive mail from me and it isn't posted with personalized stamps depicting my dog's pregnant gut then it is fraud. please rip it up
im laughing at this really good ad   
i once sent DigimonOtis the dismal metacritic scores of his favorite digimon games and said in so many words "look pal, these are shit games
when I see how far the repulsive DigimonOtis brand has come after I chose to disassociate myself from it I sweat profusely and dry heave
my gym teacher is outside my house right now screaming about how I owe him 20 pushups from 1973 and that my torso sucks
me and my lawyer just tricked my ex-wife into signing an agreement which orders her t o wear a dumbass cowboy hat to work #FuckU #LifeRuiner
my agent said i'm not allowed to post in all caps anymore so i threw all of his award-winning birdhouses into the fucking driveway
DELTA FARCE, WITLESS PROTECTION, HEALTH INSPECTOR– THREE INTEGRAL COMPONENTS, PRIDE OF THE ANCIENTS; VITA INFINITUM; LARRY THE ASCENSION GUY
apparently im not good enough for the pep boys to follow me on twitter. apparently the pep boys fan fiction i poured my soul into is a waste
principal surveys the premises from his shitty Dodge Caliber, sees the jeans dealer trying to peddle his stash on school grounds &amp; calls 911
lknow what pisses me off??  people who drink milk and spit the milk back into their glasses while making a smug expression. also teenage .
when people upload pics of misc.electronics and the shit just is covered in dust, crumbs,etc i usually have to sign off for a sec &amp;cool down
#PeopleIReallyWantToMeet #oopsiforgot #Celtics forget all of this garbage. when are we gonna nab Osama
all the trolls talk shit about my profession as an artisan ass wiper. but when they see my fine selection of towels they beg for my services
ok publicist says i gotta do one about the zach braff kickstarter ok uh uh*claps hands* alright–– what if instead of money he asked for PIss
obana. i know you're reading this. where's benhgazi. what did you do with the benghazi man. release the benghazi gems. #YouJustPulledAnObama
uploading pictures of yourself crying is one of the big No-Nos of brand management. instead trry uploading a fun recipe. or a quick prayer
my muscles begin to glow with the intensity of 100,000 sun` s.  this can only mean one thing–––– there's trouble at the gym
i probably spend the majority of my leisure time punching a hideous effigy of the caveman who invented sex
now, bear wtih me here, what if, hypothetically, a teen reacted to "Yolo" **a massive sack of $$$ materializes in front of me for no reason*
if a tree falls in the forest and a Teen Does NOt React, does it make a sound? ?
i will nbe referring to a certain soda brand as "p*psi" until i receive the $16 they owe me for years of aggressive social content strategy
Teens React To Noise. Teens React To Bugs. Teens React To The Normalization Of Warfare. Teens React To Teens Reacting. Teens React To Fritos
do nOT buy "grab bag" option at the Onion Brothers' Onion Emporium. it is a trick devised to sell you undesirable onions
if our lives were like a highschool cafeteria the cool kids table would be occupied by those guys who mess up their dicks for body mod blogs
if a terrorist tried to get me. i'd just say like, "gods fake dude" then punch the gun out of his hand while hes contemplating the hereafter
i would really like to attend my grandsons funeral but at the same time i just want to sit in bed and explore my body with a peacock feather
The SHeriff's Department Denies Your Request To Be Sat On By Muscle Ladies As Punishment And Would Like For You To Pay Your Ticket With Cash
you know the ancient sumerians regarded men with wide-ass necks and tiny-ass heads as divine beauties and gave them gifts of gold and barley
despite this being the 1 day that allows the legal use of "Ghanja", i will isntead opt to absorb the celebrated works of Foxworthy &amp; Engvall
i hope to increase my respectable klout score of 99 by punishing the demons that plague my account in the form of unfunny post s
so which corporate twitter accounts are the best for hurling abuse and vile insults towards in exchange for coupons and. deals
i walk by. my shirt has the words "ALL I NEED IS" written on front. you're confused until you see the back of my shirt which says "MUDBIKES"
if death regulation affects my god-given ability to put holes in garbage and animals really loudly i will kiss the toilet 1000 times and die
my uncle called me a Loser on television way before this guy';s uncle did it @cnn @reuters @infowars @gameinformer
reddit user "IncestVader" has just confirmed that @RicinElvis is thbe culprit , is on the loose, and is going bonkers. please yell at him
mmph *dips another tostito into an ashtray full of ketchup * ah it's so good *licks salty residue off of my bloated purple fingers* mhmm
i cna list numerous occasions where i have been discriminated against in a racist fashion just because i am a content creator .
i stumble into a nameless town and see an ass pressed up against a screen door. i instinctively turn around and walk back towards the desert
cant deal with people who have such an utter disregard for brand integrity that they would log on without a shirt. this is not a pornno.
apparently shirtless people are interacting with me on this site. please put on a tasteful button-down top if you want to fav or retweet me.
my wife gives birth to a beautiful vintage schlitz beer tap handle. i kiss her softly on the forehead &amp; put it on display next to the others
i have still not ruled out the possibility that the jellyfish i stepped on while collecting seashells at the beach was a False Flag
I AM NOT AFRIAD TO USE THE WORDS "FU*K" AND "S*HT" WHEN DEALING WITH SNAKE OIL SALESMEN ON THE PHONE
if youre following me for vids of me smearing chocolate syrup all over my chest. i dont do that anymore, and i suggest u read the holybook .
been driving in circles with the wife &amp; kids since 3am trying to find a place that will service my denim and we're all yelling at each other
if you work with compute,r, if you know Code, if you do Code, please, please design a hot tub app that i can use in the hot tub
yeah whatever pal; im such an asshole for feeding my nail clippings to the birds at the park instead of sending em off to the dunp. fuck off
we have just been informed that more and more teens are buying "wax lips" from candy stores. do not be fooled. these are not their real lips
i have posted severla high-res images of my teeth &amp; gums for the inspection of the trolls. they will find that they look like a normal man's
search "crash bandicoot is real"\n>> Did you mean "Crash Bandicoot Israel"?\nsearch "no"
#BedBugsFeedLists blood,
unlike the rest of you clowns, i want to watch dog the bounty hunter's entire body morph into a fingerless leather glove for ASEXUAL reasons
i have been carrying my prophet mohammed body pillow everywhere since i was 14 and i will never forgive the coyote who yanked it off of me
the artist formerly known as "BubsyFucker" is no longer banned from israel. please keep the wiki up to date anmd withhold your  judgments
blooper: it is implied that james bond 007 engages in sexual contact. this would never happen in real life because sex is revolting and rude
i am nude, shaved, &amp; ready to be submerged within the digital chrysalis where i will generate bigcoins by doing ki warrior poses until i die
plop all feeds with adult content on them right straight into the trash can. twitter is a businness site .
in veneration of the right honorable baroness my six komodo dragons will be rewarded one etxra " DIPEY CHANGE " and allowed to eat spaghetti
absolute horseshit that im being written up for painting "JORDACHE BOYS" on windshield when i can see the road between the letters just fine
i want to see james bond do steampuck, i want to see bat man do steampuck, i want to see spider man do steampuck, and thats the bottomline.
my agent sent me a list of my followers &amp; circled all crude avatars in red ink. if i dont block these people it WILL cost me the Arby's deal
i will go to great lenghts to prove that i take real showers. i will send pH samples of my flesh to th trolls. i will take pics of wet tub.
indie punk rock band "THe 9/11 Forgetters" wanted by police after imploring their audience NOT to watch ABC's wednesday night comedy lineup
if you insult the tiny pepsi can at the bottom of the buzzfeed article your'e fit for the bathroom.  i will never let you look at my posts.
number three. the footage of me struggling to shove a barbell into a toilet stall that isn't wide enough is " FALSE " and must be earased.
number one. it is my right as a gold's gym member to bring barbells into the toilet stall and get my extra reps. number two. its not cheatig
going to prove once and for all that trolls are Bullshit by having a narcissistic meltdown on my tech humor wordpress &amp; logging off for 5hrs
Cynical zombie nerd.  Diabetic meme dynamo.  Country gal.  Mustard guru.  Unrepentant photo blogger.  Bacon dipshit.  Entrepreneur.  Goalie.
the digital man takes a sneaky peek around the library,. activates his darknet chakras,  runs a Grid search on "dale earnheartd wackin it" ,
my cigar rival just posted another vid.... time to leave the kids with nana , switch it to hell mode and outsmoke this  BAStard
i have never looked at my own dick in my entire life.  not once
RufusPussy.  PussysRufus.  RufusPussyLord.  PussyManRufus.  PussyWhizRufus. RufusPussyExpert.  Pussy_Rufus. PussyEnchanterRufus.    PussRuf.
death to false muscles
i roll a massive barrel labeled "Gangnam Content" into a lavish nyc party attended by high profile artists and accidentally crush a mans leg
i am now pregnant with my own shadow form and i am looking forward to feeling it move around in my belly as it explores mme. this it real
I AM ONLY ALLOWED TO RESPOND TO 1 MORE CRAIGLIST AD BY LAW. NO STRINGS MUNICIPAL PUMP HOUSE SEX OR 14 FREE CINDER BLOCKS? IM HAVING A STROKE
my big april prank: scream about my dick for 5 years on a website that people normally use to socialize with friends and loved ones
despite google's bullshit-- today is National Criminal Log Off Day.  if you're a criminal then log off
#TenLiberalCommandments thou shalt kiss the dicks of our troops and lick their dicks also for disrespecting them and making them sad
IGN: "octomom caught Gaming" Gawker: "octomom is a gamer and i want to smooch her" TMZ: "ocotomom GAMES?  hhuUWHAAT??" Wired: "octomom game"
WHAT IS A "FUCK LUNG"
"Master Distiller Jeff Arnett explains what makes Sinatra Select's character as smooth and bold as the man himself, Frank Sinatra." it piss
people always talk down on the Zoo but if your'e a shitty animal like me it is a great place to network and be gawked at for zero pay
a bunch of cops knock my colostomy bag on the floor and begin stepping on it with high heeled shoes while i jack off and ask them to stop it
they want to build a masque on the sunken remains of the titanic; dont let um
ever since i read a life changing book i have desired the ability to morph into a Policeman at will. i will not divulge the name of the book
thte name "ThePepsiEunuch" was taken. to clear up any confusion
my youtube account "ThePepsiEunich" has earned me $48 in ad revenue throughout 2010-2012. id rather die than let the GOVT take a cent of it.
i want to be wearing google glass when i see my wife in her wedding dress fofr the very first time so i can turn it into a big dorito
before the holy ghost died--- there was the father, the son and TacoBellMaven
please keep my denny's coupon gender rant off of wikipedia's list of notable tantrums-- it is NOT notable
log off., you piss covered reptiles, youre turning good bandwidth into shit
MOSQUITO cannot breed inside of faucet if it is running constantly... use this infor wisley
i can't tell you how many serious UFO vids i've seen ruined by the slow zoom out and reveal of a man jacking it
maybe one of my followers could donate a tonsil or something so i can finally upgrade my dick
halfway through the work day and my boss STILL hasnt noticed im stuck in a pair of handcuffs.  ur dealing with the Master. #FuckU #BaldPrick
YOU WILL NEVER WASH YOURSELF AGAIN AFTER WATCHING THIS WISE OLD YOUTUBE CLIP WHICH HAS BEEN ＢＡＮＮＥＤ  ＢＹ  ＤＯＣＴＯＲＳ
please stop calling my home with fucked up three stooges noises. my nine daughters no longer respect me after seeing me get mad at the phone
i sense a demonic presence clicking x on my usless posts...........
SOLVE MY ASS
petition to change the twitter bird into a shittier, less noble animal, l ike a pig or an ape
i choke myslef with a bra on webcam and my face becomes so purple and bloated that the software no longer recognizes it as a face #sexlife
i, turdghoul fuckass, swear to uphold the constitution of the united states of america, so help me Piss. ok sorry, now let me do it for real
my father banned me from taking shits after 8:00pm until i was 19 and this instilled within me a sense of morality and honor and respect
NETFLIX DIAPER NOW #WOAH#Real
im not fucking finished deconstructing the god damn diaper concept, and im not fucking finished flooding your worthless feed with shit mouth
on a rickety stage at some empty roadhouse, a True mississippi blues man is howling aobut diapers, unappreciated by the toilet using masses
i remark "mummies are made out of diapers" at the egypt museum. some cops jump out a sarcophagus and begin humping me as i roll on the floor
"diapers are for animal at the zoo". nmever in my life have i seen a more ignorant comment written online and overlooked by the hitler media
these flawless squats on the roof of my van go out to the bastard who accused me of "going apeshit" a t wild birds unlimited in marietta, ga
ill have what 2005 is having 
#10ThingsYouHateToDo jack off, not jack off, 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
(the presence of the sarcasm tag indicates that i do not actually want to suck god's dick. please dont derail this discussion with nonsanse)
GET PAID TO CRY - MAKE UP TO "$4.98" A DAY SOBBING ON WEBCAM -MAIL US TEARS FOR вonυѕвυх®- ABJECT HUMAN MISERY IS THE LIFEBLOOD - DIE A HERO
a blank one
i want to fuck a sheet of paper
the next big online thing is men who eat Dog Food, schedule meetups to eat dog food together and form rivalries with cat &amp; baby food eaters
i will never apologize for accidentally dialing 911 in my jeans pocket or accidentally begging the operator for a "cop massage"
uzbeks found attempting to modify their devices &amp; remove the Croods interface are subject to public lashings and fines of up to 10000000 UZS
i can confirm israeli android os WILL use a gui based on art assets from dreamworks The Croods &amp; that this is exciting news for Crood likers
i thjink i'd know the difference between Satan and a noisy washing machine with "666" spraypainted on the side
will any one else in here be attending the realsavvymomsseminar
my girl beliefs own, my sex beliefs own, my god beliefs own, my page owns, i m always yelled at, im always hacked , im garbage and thank you
im sorry but what are the odds that 100 snakes would hatch from that huge egg i found in the swamp. in a way, we pretty much won the lottery
i turned myself into a skunk using an incantation posted by 11 year old girl on youtube. i should not have done this. please, please help m
if i win that wendy's contest i will do the right thing and choose to set dick vitale free
yeah lets all j ust sit here and pretend everythin'gs ok while dick vitale sells his body to the wendy's corporation for big buck
i just heard someone was angry on a website and now im angry and people are angry at me for being angry at him and im angry at them too #hel
i just looked up the stats and the number of meaningful relationships ive formed is less than the number of public restrooms ive Screamed in
haha get this, these people on the crisue boats that get stranded, they have to shit ON the boat, and sometimes they even touch the shit!!!!
#iKnowImNotTheOnlyOneWho the pope
hosanna !! hosanna !!  netbooks for dog lovers
buck bumble caressed his dead gfs hair. "you will pay for thi s, Bastards." he grabbed two uzis and charged the gym, "Suprise mother fuckers
MMORPG (massive multiplayer online roleplayig game), FPS (first person shooter), RTS (real time strategy), T2DF ( tactical 2d dragon fucker)
lets ACTUAlly shove atheism down christians throats. cram godless voids into their mouths which nullify the Prayers of their digestive tract
keelhaul my dick
i'm pepsi rep kevin and we need $12m kickstarter dollars to make a pepsi commercial in true 8 Bit. lets show this new pope what were made of
the audience gasps as i, @dirl, divulge onto webspace, my invalid opinions, quips, and horseshit gags while smoking 2 cigarettes ,simultáneo
what th the bope use "google glass" #retweetthisifYouragirl
the banned version of "'lord of the flies" where the conch is replaced by a fat immobile pug dog
wendy's contest to win lunch with dick vitale cancelled due to 'sex people'. entries infused with distinct erotic musk handed over to police
#atlanticecon please disable all of your wi-fi devices to prevent Gremlins from entering this trustsphere of minds. inflation is a myth. bye
as a lad i often drew 2 adjacent circles in a crude attempt to portray an Ass. ive since matured and only draw asses of the utmost precision
tthis asshole brought home a tekken lanyard with "Phil" written on it in magic marker and wants to use it with the keys to his new buick .
youtube recommending large amount of gamestop dumpster dive videos to me; perhaps hteyve implemented a new algorithm which detects "Misery"
thr new pope has been chosen. you all ready for this?? his name is..... The Bible. #BloodOfTheEucharist #FwdThisIfYoureAWiseTeen #HeavenTeen
sheriff's department transmission decoded by anonymous: "Please Keep Rowdy Beasts Away From Mayor During Dog Show"--what could it all mean??
i will never apologize for my ass no matter how many people close their accounts. i will never apologize for the gestures i make with my ass
full investigation: bring me the man who threw a dildo on stage during my TEd talk. also the men who encouraged him by hooting and whistling
dont know how a vandal wrote "Likes to Fuck" on my resume, but i do not like to fuck. please hire me. i need this job. i hate to fuck, pleas
#MentionSomeoneCuteAndBeautiful raynn the hedgehog.  akira the hedgehog.  mydnyght the hedgehog.  venus the polaer bear. gomez the hedgehog.
purchased a cage full of rats in the hope that infusing my home with New Life will fire up my posts a nd score me the Bertucci's deal. amen
"Destroy the content producers, destroy the content. This is , Bastard's Dilemma." - christwolf22, from his e-book "A World Without Content"
cancelling my livetweet of the pa flower show becaus of the SHIT you people have said to me, tthis is the bed you laid in, this is your hell
when people fuck with me on sites i head for the beach and take it out on the crabs. i punch their shitty little bodies, i kick dirt at them
fucked up that people would click X on my feed during what is perhaps the worst crisis i've ever faced. go back to the zoo. miserabl animals
if you feel uncomfortable reading about my balls infection, click X. if not, pour a good big beer and let my feed take you to another world,
i've just been notified by the oracle that late night personality jay leno is currently in Denim Mode.
im redoing the funeral for my ass because nobody took the first one seriously enoguh. too many attendees yapping off &amp; refusing to be seated
no. my bumper sticker of beautiful intergalactic bounty hunter Samus Aran saying "Im Autistic" couldnt have been the reason my car was towed
i paid good money for these sweatpants and i reserve the right to wear them to Game Stop without the wiseass brigade photographing mmy rear.
NEVER MAKE ANYTHING IN FLASH - FUCK PLEASE GOD @adobe #shit
ddepressed, exhausted imbecile dragging an overturned port-o-john down the interstate, blocking traffic and getting honked at
a particularly rude comment i received today has caused me to fill my pants wih shit. i will not glorify the perpetrator by identifying him.
i just bought an Oscar on the black market and im willing to give it to the first bbw to send me a pic of herself fisting ehr own mouth.
who remembesr the mower man screensaver. who remembers the fear of it. who remembers not even being sure if the screams were coming from you
i want the popular new animated gif of me looking at a messy old trash can while lickin my lips;  Removed . Remove it off- site. Log it out.
buying some golf cleats? bet U high society FUCKS like to step on each others COCKS with these. i own this foot locker. your'e a child here.
can almost hear the angels screaming as i plunge the dagger into my chest and abdicate my destiny as He Who Would Forge The Unwettable Denim
if youre reading this NascarDustin, you are requested to appear in court for the crime of firing 600 chi needles into my innocent ass cheeks
raise Hell to end workplace discrimination against men who suffer from PL (Pube Loss). force my boss to pay due tribute to my pristine mound
"although i cannot be the father she needs, i wish my daughter the best of luck on her life path. now let us sound, gentlemen." - konami_boi
konami_Boi gives his baby daugther up for adoption so he can convert her crib into a display case for his exotic collection of sounding rods
konami_Boi gives his baby daugther up for adoption so he can convert her crib into a display case for his exotic collection of sounding rods
did anyone do the "google ass" joke.  did anyone do thr joke where "google glass" is changed with the word "ass" in it. hope a nerd sees it
i am the great benghazio . i need Truth for my justice hole #funButSerious #BanMeForMyOpinions #HowDareU #SomosFiOS
ive had it up to here with this benghazi fella.  callin up a few rowdy boys to do some jumping jacks on his lawn
Thank you. Closure at last #tcot RT: @Mythbusters Adam and Jamie "Go Benghazi" in the all-new season premiere of Mythbusters, don't miss it!
#FiveWordTEDTalks god is real... (real BOgus) #ThingsGirlsLike free copper wire #LiesToldInSchool principals have sex #MakeLeighLaugh no
I WILL REGRESS INTO PRIMAL FORM AND SHUN MY LOVED ONES IN ORDER TO POWER UP MY CONTENT !! I WILL GET RE-BLOGS AT ANY COST !!  AT ANY COST !!
#ThingsGirlsLike Moonlit Sega Rants
#ThingsGirlsLike ccalling me a fucking bastard and strangling me with their legs while my head turns purple and im horny and screaming mad
review: koala kare diaper station with the fuckin bear on it. awful. sorry im not some size 0 model who can use this without it snapping off
sorry. my "wrestle a pile of huge dildos for charity" event was a total imbroglio.  all proceeds raised must now go towards my hospital bill
1) i lie face down on sofa 2) infect me witrh lyme disease 3) it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
sequester THIS !! *i show my ass.  a dick flops out of my ass.  a tiny ass comes out of the hole of the dick coming out of my ass* Fuck obam
"Yo. Lets get some owl tattos." - something a hipster has probably said once in the course of human history #DOUChe #jokeums #heteroBoyLords
PROSECUTION: could you please tell the court who exactly youre referring to when you use the term "Gender Folk"? ME: not to a bastard like U
reading my revolting tweets to a focus group for several hours and escaping on a sled pulled by rats when it is time to pay each of them $25
i imagine to the lice who live in my chest hair, my enormous, frowning head is God; their only beacon of hope, thats why i never wear shirts
sky wiccan, lava wiccan, river wiccan, light wiccan, dark wiccan.  thats all the wiccans
the point being that thte damn computer should know exactly which download i want when i type "'chris matthews mindfreak" into the bing bar
to the fanboy who threw acid iat my face near fuddrucker`s, you can destroy my body but The Cloud will preserve my brand for millennia #PS4
remember blowing on the CDs to make them work? blowing on controllers?? memory cards? pplease validate this broken man #PlaystationMemories
i would appreciate it if the words "unconscious hog" were removed from the daily post article about me , as i am no longer unconscious .
THE LAST UNBANNED ALCHEMIST ON EBAY
I AM VERY BAD ARMENIAN LADY ! I AM SO BAD THAT EVEN DEVOL IS AFRAID OF ME ! I WILL TEAR ENYBODYS SPIRIT &amp; GIVE IT TO HIM ; WHO PUT DISLIKE !
ill have no more talk of mystery complaints regarding my screensaver of juiced ass dudes turning into snakes then back into juiced ass dudes
"the best part of U runned down the crack of ya mammas Ass when she-" ugh i fucked that up. wait "best part of yopu run down the ass w-"Shit
everyone screaming at me cus i accidentally made tge dog deaf by yelling memes at it. if the meteor kills us all i wont give a Fuckin Shit !
i would NEVER misappropriate funds from my panera bread gloryhole kickstarter to buy mustard gas,, you BRUTES , oyu selfish, horrible APES
please watch my realtiy drama"shit eaters" about people who eat shit and are constantly goaded into cyclical arguments with their loved ones
so you DONT insure tupperware contaners filled with magazine cutouts of legs &amp; feet? what if i told you some of these badboys are reagen era
not at all unreasonable to assume that everyone who has ever unfollowed me likes to engage in mystic forest ritual to make my muscles tinier
Japanese;Chinese,Korean;Vietnamese are the only Asian women that I have  ever known. That is why I use their look and experiences.
This site is dedicated to the love and respect of Asian women.  If you are here looking for porn... "MAN ARE YOU IN THE WRONG PLACE!"
IS BLUE TOILET WATER A RETRO 90S THING OR HAVE I JSUT NOT SEEN A CLEAN TOILET FOR 13+ YEARS. PLEASE HELP
before you make fun of the band that me and digimonotis started in 2002 called  "Pube Supply", be aware that we didn't know what a pube was.
if someone names their son or daughter "Funny Rubio Water Drink" i swear to god i will write your username on a post-it and post a pic of it
disappointed by lack of respect for the pope by the goofus brigade. i on the other hand respect the mans ass cheeks. i respect the mans legs
during tibetan sky burials theres always the risk that the birds will eat everything except your dick and that people will laugh at the dick
all the wonderful fictional characters i remember from my suburban middle-class 90s childhood break into my home &amp; scrutinize my filthy dick
maestro stands on top of my couch and waves baton perfectly in rhythm with my clicks and scrolls as i block rude accounts &amp; erase sass mouth
open pastebin of LAPD shooter's manifesto.  ctrl+f search for injoke staples such as "jeans", "diaper" and "toilet".  no results. click x.
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Has A New Wine Out. I'm Dying To Try It But I Find His Governing Policies Questionable At Best. Such Is My Life Of Shit.
my old phys ed teacher let`s me kiss his cpr dummy for $15 a pop and that'[s why im more mature than most of people on this fucking web site
please.  look at this thing on my ipod that i loaded up.  it is called "the geico talking dog" and it is spectacular. please look. please
whoever put "give skeleton huge titty" in the suggestion box: first off, this isnt a suggestion box. its a toys for tots bin. secondly;
mabye this decal of the troll face saying "DID YOU TRY RESTARTING IT??" will make the boys in IT respect me &amp;stop kicking my cube walls down
and here we go again. another civil symposium, bungled up and ruined by me, the horny asexual. everyone always blames me, the horny asexual.
parking garage conquered by disgusting man covered in vaseline
"do turds carry gneder. are there male turds &amp; female turds." good question, Walter_PSX. hte answer, however, is not so clear cut im afraid;
please @gangnamjokes. post the first gangnam joke. please. you piece of shit.  please dont squat this account and gyp us on the gangnam joke
please put the king of skeletons back underneath his parkig lot before he starts yellin . disrespectful fucking rat people mother fuckers
smear turds all over my dunce cap and kill me
i rip off my groundhog handler disguise on stage. "surprise bitchs. groundhog day is fake." i drop kick the fuckin groundhog back to the zoo
i jsut imagined a nude body and winded my self
reviewed obama inauguration speech. not ONE mention of "varmints" #ProVarmintPres?? #getUmOut
thanks for banning mme for having the username "WTCPuncher" , even though I registered that name before hte towers blew up in a car accident
what do I model, you ask? i model for those gag golf trophies that are given to bad players by coworkers as a joke. guy with twisted up club
instantly the king of jail after telling other inmates that im in for dropkicking "WTFCraig" when he said avatar is a ripfof of bluemangroup
TODAY WE EXPLORE THE LINK BETWEEN WIDESPREAD SOIL EROSION IN HAITI AND MY FAVORITE TV SHOWS BECOMING LESS FUNNY
TODAY WE EXPLORE THE PROVEN INTELLECTUAL ADVANTAGE OF CHILDREN WHO HAD GENERAL HOSPITAL FANFICTION READ TO THEM IN THE WOMB
TODAY WE EXPLORE THE CONTRIBUTIONS THAT WOMEN HAVE MADE TO ARENA PITBULL DEATHMATCH
A GATHERING OF MISCHIEVOUS IMPS FIRE UP THE NINTENDO 64 AND RUN MARIO UP THE ENDLESS STAIRCASE FOR 1 HR
local orgy vibe ruined by man who made terrible dog howls while extremely caught up in the moment - bastard is now imprisoned in astral cube
if heading to the gym and muscleshaming all the sweatnerds aint your idea of a good time then im afraid you are a waste of a daughter
moms boyfriend think `s selling dioramas of discarded tarantula husks perfoming sex acts is "bad"; throws my 30yr old cozy coupe at me daily
attn teens who wolud crack wise abot my grotesque, misshapen ear lobes: i am pissed of, overtaxed and ready to die in the name of Lady Honor
do not contact this account until you have truly felt the pain of a big male.
only thing stopping me from being th 1st diaperbound wiccan 2 scale everest are all the handsome climbers who're prejudiced aganst big peopl
caught sneaking a runestone into the cineplex. the runes they sell at the concession stand are all marked up to shit. thats how htey get ya
i just found out today that my best friend and confidant of 11 years is a beers drinker. this troper is NOT amused
oyu investigate the mysterious object that falls out of my shirt onto a pile of bibles. your worst suspicions are confirmed. it's a hairball
from what i undestand gerrymandering is the process of manipulating districts in such a manner that gnarly dicks show up on the election map
and today's Golden Toilet award goes to the cast of Weekend at Bernie's 1 &amp; 2 ofr disobeying the noble qur'an.
cyber link this post if youre a good person who remembers the things that are good and are not a bad person who likes things that arent good
so you want to upgrade your jeans. i suggest you gather 3x daenim shards, 2x bug honey, and 4,000 ralphs. only then will u be worth my time.
*corsses out all the bad posts in perm. marker* mmm . haha. oh yeah. look at that *scrolls down and t he posts move* no. this wont do. oh no
think im gonna bust the window on my microwave open and nuke my ass for a little bit
the man who froze his shit and cut them into tiny disks to fool the coinstar machine is probably the closest thing to real life james bone .
is it spiritually advisable to circumcise my sons if they're conjoined twins attached at the foreskin
nick jr. wanted to publish my memoirs - told them to take a hike with the kid shit
MEDICAL "PROFESSIONALS" WHO REFUSE TO TELL ME THE AMOUNT OF WEIGHT I NEED TO GAIN TO BECOME A PURE BLOOD IMMOBILE #THINGSTHATMAKEYAHOWLOFF
me and my roving band of gorgeous cop punchers suffer the indignity of detecting the scent of piss. we pause and atempt to locate the source
#girltime "dating",as we know it,is an outdated pratice that can be traced back 2 thge pre-sapiens imbecile, hurling turds at their pregnant
the experimental surgical procedure to make my tears stink less was a complete failure. im sorry everyone
i believe in sex. i work with asphalt and i respect the asphalt. pain is my god and heaven. i am NOT a ＧＡＭＥＲ ＤＵ ＣＡＳＵＡＬ. sponsored by nestle
hats off to the shirtless man who found spelling error in my 2yr old tweet but failed to realize that everythng i post is irredeemable filth
why is it a crime for me to confine garbage using my sweatpants and why does everonye on couchsurfing .org get mad when i yell at them
see if you can ascertain the recurring theme within this artist's compositions  
used the last remaining amount of my spirit force to transform mny daughter into a mana blade so that she will never cry again #AFathersPain
cheers to whoever poured paint on me while i was handing out pamphlets warning people not to attend MetalGearEric's orgy #FAlseFlag666
i get really upset when matrix haters refer to the greatest cinematic achievement in human history as "bullshit time". youre a fool and liar
oh so when a pro foorball player makes a fake GF everoyne sucks his dick but when nice boys like me do it the cops demolish her with batons,
if you have a problem with me kissing pictures of Dragons while driving the bus, fight me. i just ate like 30 hotdogs and im near invincible
barricaded in a lawless southern town for calling the one where pikachu choked on an entire apple a "filler episode"
i was going to make a joke about the food pyramid and eating mummies or something but i stopped because occasionally teens look at this feed
car wash big man. big man thru car was.h  can car wash be used on big man. can big man survive car washj. does car wash clean big man. #Bing
#ff @UrineFREE @starwarsman @Blogboi2292 @Diabetes666 @SonictheEduardo @PrimoHoagies @NetworkMan @fanjustthe @tigerwoodsjokes @depresed @toe
fuck wifi 
for years i've put up with the piss lobbyists and their laughable attempts to silence me. i will not use th bathroom again until theyre dead
next slide, please. this is a chart showing piss levels in the lungs of eastern &amp; western public bathroom goers. the discrepancy is obvious.
bathrooms in japan have virtually no piss on them. this is because the culture has instilled a sens e of humility within the people. no piss
i hereby pledge henceforth to never piss on the floor of a public batrhoom. if youre "too cool" to care about this social issue then log off
*aims revolver at the word "mosque"* prepare to kiss my steel, fucker. *accidently shoots a period at the end of it* NNO WHAT HAVE I DONE
attn supporters of hashtag #JackOffForTheEagles: thgis is NOT an official, NFL sanctioned method of supporting our birds. use xtreme caution
*reclines in chair a nd ages 2 ,000 years instantly turning into a skeleton and then pile of shit* ah everything's going according to plan
fuck mad people.  anger is a disgusting emotion. sick of having my account flagged by people who dont understand The Process
#WhyGunsAreBetterThanLiberals THE 63RD SEAL MUST CONSUME THE SHADE OF BLOODFALL IN COMPLIANCE WITH THE NIGHT COMMAND, ANDMICHAL MOORE IS FAT
cor blimey,. down load the Bing Bar today m'lord, follow MadeaREal,ItsReal_Madea, Madea_FunJoke,&amp; MadeaPuertoRico, my beautiful daugter ~uwa
please dont tell the boys at t he gym that ive been slapping clown urine on my pecs. they may not be totally understanding of the situation.
"the ancient americans had over 20 words for sandwich but only 1 word for betamax.  fucked up but real" says a future man to his crystal son
WHO SUMMONE D WRESTLERS TO MY YARD.  I DESPERATELY NEED STOMACH MEDS AND IM AFRAID TO GO LEAVE HOSUE.  MY BIRDBATH HAS ALREADY BEEN SUPLEXED
in 2023 an unassuming fat man will become the official currency of the united states. the economy will collapse because theres only 1 of him
for hte last time im not badfrog3333 im this guy 
in 1942 the US Navy sponsored an experiment which required 64 prisoners in Massachusetts to be injected with cow blood #FemaleLies
if anyone knows what to do if you accidentally swallow an entire cigar while running on the treadmill please contact StogieLad@Yahoo.com
RESULTS ARE IN: The Pibb Xtra 2012 Gold Prize is rewarded to "Football".  The Pibb Xtra 2012 Stinker Award goes to the fireman shooter.  Bye
i feel like if i practiced often enough and really focused i could learn how to shave all the hair off of my body using only my fingernails
today's the day that i put on my high heel cowboy boots &amp; stomp the shit out of the fake plastic son that my father raised before i was born
i want to put on a really ugly shirt but i can't because of trolls. AAAGH **unscrews lightbulb from lamp, throws it into toilet, perfect aim
My lawyer has advised me that I should  power the box off instead of dealing with hipster comments and trash insults on this sacred holiday.
reminder that if you jerk off tomorrow on christmas y ou are the bastard of earth.
ever see a good app and say "oh i gotta get my hands on that app !!"??  that feeling is the spirit blood of my Web Strategy. I Am The Sphere
rating a porno "thumbs down" just because thegirl wouldnt take off her blue tooth head set is one of the moust fucked up things i ever did .
Ӿ Ӿ Ӿ  I will no longer be answering any sex questions in this website. Ӿ Ӿ Ӿ
im watching my gf transform into wolves . the wolves have the same tattoos that she have. she can turn back into a person when she wants to.
i need towels sent to my house .  this is not a fucking joke this time
Im about to get wild at 2:30am on this Fucking can of #Beer I found. I am going to use my grandpas knfie to "Shot Gun" it.  #ThingsILikeToDo
i hate vuvluzela noise.  
people who write "RT" and copy/paste instead of using the retweet button are the same people who changed clothes in the toilet stalls at gym
#ff @HellYeahTweets @simson @golfblog @HusbandShit @apekiller @JokesFun @xwife @PizzaHutMan @Unemployed_Male @ChristianHacker @babe2 @KFCkid
look
pleas tune into my next podcast where i ask what the FUCK angry birds is and viciously mock the first piece of shit caller to answer me
"RSS FEeds?  ",  i say as i stroke my goatee while leaning on my podcast's huge 3d logo "Never Heard of UM !!!!!!!!!!!!"
#MOMCHAT IS TRENDING.  #MOMCHAT IS TRENDING. YOU HEARD CORRECTLY, #MOMCHAT IS NOW MAINSTREAM. EASILY ACCESSIBLE BY FALSE MOMS. FUCK TWITTER
i sometimes wonder how shaken the AB/DL community would be if they found out i was injecting my diaper with saline solution instead of Shit
did you know that the bible doesn't actually contain any references to hell? or heaven? or christ?? it just a bunch of names &amp; phone numbers
the shaman rises 
the mayons were basically dumb as dirt and couldnt even predict the fuckin  9/11 thing
my nipples are purlpe because of an iron deficiency .  NOT because i dont believe in god.  so shut the fuck up, grandpop's grave
not many good wiki leaks lately. was hoping Julian woudld find out which individual or agency keeps ripping the gutters off of my house
if you recently dumpster dived a combination dildo/inhaler emblazoned with the hot wheels logo, please return it. thats the only thing i own
whats wrong? u look like youve never seen a depressed,gruesomely obese Mature Hetero who also happens to have gorgeous abs &amp; tight AZZ befor
i tried to drown myself in the toilet but my neck is too big to allow my face to reach the water so now im downloading some nice blogs
one man stands, bravely defiant, against the impending fury of my massive, raw ass. a Troll snaps a picture and puts it in some history book
what a terrible coincidence that this shooting happened to occur on Gun Joke Day
#ReplaceBandNamesWithDad nutty professor 2 the klumps
as a youth, the boys would laugh at my large ears &amp; call me "The Ears Bastard". but today, I have every epsIode of Sliders at my fingertips.
"you can take that 666 on down the road" is actually etched into my family crest and i scream it everyday
when I dropped out of middle school I went home&amp; watched korean flash animation "i love egg" like 28 times with tears streaming down my face
a very nude, very fat pink man rolling down the corridors of an ancient temple, gathering dust and dirt like breadcrumbs on a chicken cutlet
i take my gf on a balloon ride to propose. a field of wild flowers spells Women Are Crooks. "oops sorry." i apologize. "that ones for my dad
EMAIL CAMPAIGN TO MAKE THE BOARD OF HEALTH STOP CLASSIFYING MY GIRL FRIEND AS "POISONOUS"
oh sorry. "TheJRPGMotherFucker666" is my old user handle. from when I was a foolish child. my new one is "CockNBallsCummerShitheadShithead8"
sorry mom, but if U read my posts u would know why I spiked yuor meatloaf like a football &amp; called it a "piece of shit". because i am scared
#ReplaceLyricsWithTwerk pppppppppppppppppppppppppp (big ffarting ass noise)  fuck you fuck you fuck you
i dont give a rat FUCk about your personal shit, about your politic's, about your ugly kid and wife, just keep the Christian sand art coming
if i had the technical expertise to make "rage comics", i would do one about the cop who caught me trying to take my computer into the sewer
i have a rare condition which is commonly known a s "pig ear", and if I was born in the 1950s i would have been euthanized #Blessed
#LeaveItIn2012 bin laden.  kil;l the piece of shit
my setup: 35 monitors arranged around my swivel chair in a circular fashion, imprisoning me forever in a 3d world of sex pics &amp; sports radio
Jsut saw a turd.  I'm done.  I'm fucking finished with this.  Keep your bullshit snapchat.  ENjoy the hell you have created, trolls.
1 nipple, 1 male ass, 2 jeans pics, 1 toilet full of piss,you terrible f ucking people
some ass hole told me to get snapchat so i did and my name on it is "coward" , please make me regret thnis, please  shit all over my phone
i hear by claim this guestbook in the name of the m0nsanto christianz.  fuck u.  fuck u.  fuck u.  fuck u.  fuck u.  fuck u.   fuck u.
ZUMBA IS NOT FOR MOMS!!  ZUMBA IS NOT FOR MOMS!!  ZUMBA IS NOT FOR MOMS!!  STOP STEALING MY FRIENDS I WANT TO LIVE MY LIFE
Beware of the group of hauntingly beautiful Latinoes who will post nonsense on your vlog and hypnotize U into bowing before htier coward god
straight up-- im not here to make friends. im not here to socialize. im here because this is the only professional Mr. Bucket league in town
This is f ucked up. 
how high does my postcount have to be before i'm eligible for Mensa
I want you all t o know that I am not angry.  I am acutally laughing at this whole thing.  But Piss_089 should  ha ve his computer locked up
Piss_089, noted pervert and imbecil,e made the ridiculous claim that i "love touching pieces of trash cans" &amp; that my "gumline is fucked up"
im a 15 year old model, and Morgan Stanley Investment Management Is My Slice #IsMySlice
my attempt to expand my wardrobr by cramming a pair of Damascus Jeans into the office copier has ended with tragedy. escape the 9/11 reality
people have been printing lots of swears on hot sauce labels as of late
ive been raising my hell mastery quotient with faerie blood &amp; jazz musick to prepare for the town hall thugs coming to collect my leaf waste
I SUBMERGE MYSELF INTO THE CORE MIND AND CRACK MYSELF INTO THE BIT-WEB, MERGING MY CONSCIOUSNESS WITH ALL 18 EPISODES OF THE GASTINEAU GIRLS
i FIRMLY believe that beloved Super NES luminary "Funky Kong" woul choose Netflix over Hulu , in any Fucking universe you can throw at me
i apologize for referring to everyone who bought my official scent as "The Sucker Squad" in a private prayer to god that some troll recorded
/ ! \\ / ! \\ / ! \\ " Twizzler " has Acclaimed your Intergram / ! \\ / ! \\ / ! \\ >>> [Learn more about " Twizzler "] >>> [Return To Hub Grid]
belittle mme.  call me shit. throw hair at me
so i heard they invented a new type of mirror that spares me from having to lay eyes upon my extremely hideous visage.  it's called a "wall"
see that dumpster labelled "SLAVE PISS"?  bet ya dollars to donuts it's not actually full of slave piss. someone probably wrote it as a joke
i sacrifice my most valuable gift card to the ocean to quell the intensity of the raging waters. forgive me, saladworks .
let's swap wine zines
time for another rant. fuck igloos. shitty ice house.s  too cold. for more rants check out my site. send paypal to theloneranter@rantman.com
hey @joshingstern ypou accidentally erased this sick burn 
wussat? you think my sex beliefs are wrong? well,*tries to point to "THINK AGAIN BUSTER" written on back of shirt but my arms are too short*
:||‡‡‡||: " sex is abnormal " :||‡‡‡||:
No results found for "BORN TO GO FUCK MYSELF"
i refuse to partake in any hot black friday deals today out of respect for all the dead folks on the benghazi strip #shopping #deals #prayer
#ReplaceSongTitlesWithTurkey israel is clowns at the circus, i stand with Muslom, ban fluoride, ban micro chip, all girls please DM me
#8ThingsICantLiveWithOut blame, denial, pity, rationalization, constant validation, superimposing fantasy, overcompensation and SuperPretzel
my uncle is trying to stick my drawing of him (Chibi-Style) on the toilet with a refrigerator magnet. doesnt understand why it's not working
im the ceo of legs
excuse me?  did you just call me a " buff dude "?? The proper term is "Muscleman" , you piece of shit
sorry oprah fanboys, but the Oprah MMORPG is a buggy mess, hasn't been patched in 7 years, and i regret playing it daily since i was a child
haha jokes on you halo 4 admins..  my daughter isnt really dying . i lied. thanks for the doublr XP Bitch.
rreddit: IM an insufferable fucking prick. the computer has made me extremely wise ,but im shit,. please post your Racist Roommate Stories
what if instead of chirping birds yelled stuff like "GHETTO !" or "Adoulf" or "ass". they would probably be a funnier animal if they did it.
i whip out two good uzis and shoot up a fence with the words "INMATURE PEOPLE" painted on the sid.e  my father thanks me for this, via skype
haha. woah. apparently if you dress up like a police everyone will think you're a real cop and you can trick people into crying and shit
i pull a small american flag out of my pocket and give it a bunch of  tiny kisses in my day to ward off liars and cheapskates
why are there online tutorials detailing the proper disposal method of the American flag but none regarding a "Toilet Heteros" gang jacket
woah . the movie theaters are handing out pendants which glow whenever James BOnd gets laid during the movie #Good #ImmersionTech
i demand that the same tax exemptions granted to all religious institutions be given to my small businesses "Ass Church 3d" and "Ass Mosque"
the hell genie cured my crippling fear of Smoking,. but forced me to incur the curse of having perfect skin and legs #InHighSchool #Allah
i have renounced Teen in all its formes, and am now ready to embrace the mom revolution .
JEFFERY THE LIB IS NOW JEFFERY THE BLOCKED. HIIS REPLY WAS ZZZZZZZ. I 'VE HAD ENOUGH. THis is insane to back this POTUS.
found a bunch of blueprints, street plans and pictures of pregnant women in a suitcase labelled "Pregtopia" in teen son's room. please help
today. i will stay home and sharpen my balls.  i  will Hone My Balls
simpson debate ends with 17 job terminations, 5 injuries, &amp; 3 deaths. the decision is made to continue depicting their nipples as black dots
FOX Broadcasting calls every artist, writer, lawyer &amp; executive together to conclusively decide which color the Simpsons' nipples should be
ive been legally advised to state that the video of me being escorted out of a hospital while clutching a nerf gun ansd making noise is fake
HOLD ON I GOT A JUSTIFICATION FOR THAT *A BUNCH OF SHITTY PIECES OF PAPER FALL OUT OF MY COAT**
im now boycotting my wife's delectable meatloaf until she marches to town hall and reverses her vote of 4 more years for hamburglar mu'bab .
i draw my psycho-blade and stab the shit out of a plastic tub with "waldenbooks" written on the side in magic marker
As Per Tradition, Governor Romney Must Now Kiss The Presidential Legs, In A Show Of Perfect Humility. POTUS Disrespects The Gov By Declining
well its time for th e thanksgiving jokes.  i already put a diaper on the turkey.  did i fuck the gravy boat yet?? Need some feedback here.
Hell has come to America.
HI LAZY PERSON OUTSIDE QUIKTRIP WITH NO JOB ASKING FOR CIGARETTES. OBAMA WON SO HERE TAKE MY MONEY THAT I ACTUALLY WORKED TO FUCKING EARN
IM TAKING A CRYSTAL INTO THE VOTING BOOTH .........  #PRANKS
relaly hoping this election isnt a repeat of '04, when i got trapped in a brushpile and mistakenly voted for a bird
everytime jeff dunham makes his miserable puppets kiss each other a bridge collapses somewhere
HOW WOULD ONE REGISTER FOR THIS SUPPOSED "STRAIGHT PARTY"
i just tattooed a qr code to my ass and when you scan it a picture of my ass comes up
lets focus on piss farms.  lets focus on piss farms.  lets focus on piss farms.  for the economy.  we gotta focus on these piss farms
great news, boys. the town decided not to condemn my home on the condition that i remove the "intolerable meme shit" off my lawn and porch
the officer detected a single string of cum connecting my sickly brown dick to the Fucked vegetables. "no no" i exclaimed. "its a spiderweb"
As rioters descended upon the white house, he silently sat in the dark with a revolver &amp; a glass of whiskey. His mouth stuffed with SlimJims
President Obama began to question the future of his country.  Desperate for answers, he humbly knelt before a crucifix made of Slim Jim `s.
An empassioned Mitt Romney spoke. "My dear Americans." His tone rife with the gracious fortitude of a leader. "We must always eat Slim Jim."
>>YOU FIND YOURSELF IN A GREY CORRIDOR. HOW DO YOU PROCEED? >>PIECE OF SHIT >>SUCH LANGUAGE IS NOT BECOMING OF A KNIGHT. HOW DO YOU PROCEED?
*shoves bloindfolded man's hand into a bowl of slimy grapes * and this is God's diaper *sticks hand in spaghetti * and this is God's turds
NOTIFICATION FROM LAST.FM - "RAUNCHY - BILL JUSTIS.MP3" HAS BEEN LOOPING ON YOUR COMPUTER FOR 9 YEARS NOW, AMBULANCE IS COMING
candidate gary johnson pledges to cut down on online clutter at pizza hut debate, cites rampant misuse of the #Yowza hashtag
apparently there;s a base amount of @mtn_dew you can drink that will make the red cross refuse to accept your blood &amp; i surpassed it, #Yowza
BRAVE NYC FIREMEN IGNORING ALL EMERGENCY CALLS TO REPAIR MUSCLE MAKER GRILL #HEROES #GODEXISTING #SANDY
i found Heaven 
wheres the fucking list of all the tanning salons that are open during th e hurricane #PostTheFuckingList
windows 8 disrespected by scum bags: the age of technoWisdom dies amid the screams of bloated, bleating hog`s &amp;the laughter of moneychangers
natesilver 538 keep me good from frankenstein, werewolrf, ghosts,spook'ums, ,enchanters, and critters,on this nasty day !! keep me logged IN
how to convince my uncles to combine into one superuncle so that i only have to buy one christmas card? how to do it? how to ddo this? how
i f you see a burlap sack hanging off of an overpass with a dick sticking ot of it thats me trying to fuck hurricane sandy
tried to take two screaming border collies into voting booth &amp; some 90yr old election official fought me&amp; yanked my pants off. fuck voter id
Comments for Golden Shower: by Chris on 18/04/2012 "It sucks" -- by Chrystal on 13/04/2012 "Not good" -- by by Dashawn on 06/04/2012 "Hel"
i am very sorry for all my bullshit @digimonotis i would like to be friends again please just talk to me 
dont forget to write in candidate "Seagrams Ginger Ale" to get "Pointz™" and score some"Geer™". #lynndebate #horsesandbayonets #deathcamps
anyone else catch " MR. PRE$IDENT " applying nail polish during the debate????  nbullshit.  highly unpresidential
oh my god becky youll never guess who i unfollowed last night~~  cmon! guess!!  ok ok ill tell you--  CBSNews
i was born in my motehr's bladder instead of the womb. the doctors called it a "piss birth" #Romnesia
BUY NOW 
BACK OFF CAPS COP THIS IS TOO IMPORTANT FOR LOWERCASE
"FEAR IS USED 2 ENSLAVE THE MASSES," I SAID AS I RIPPED THE FUCKIN DECORATIVE CARDBOARD SKELETON OFF OF THE COMMUNITY CENTERS BULLETIN BOARD
im a proud member of an elitist clique which spawned from the entenmann's bakery product support forums back in the early '00s
apology letter to the juadge for grinning in his courtroom whenever someone mentioned my fun &amp; clever web handle (SexBug) during proceedings
"Thou shalt not be as the hypocrites are: for they...pray...in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men." #NationalAssDay
"i said i wanted to meet the KISS dudes! not that i wanted to meet and kiss dudes!" haha dont mind me, im just testing out some new material
now let's see that bad boy in 3d
just because i am allergic to wi-fi doesn't mean i can't respect it and recognize its useful applications. it is me who is wriong, im shit,
the media wont shut their yaps about me 
how much money would have to be given to FOX executives in order to make the dancing football robot say "lets kiss some nerds dicks" on tv
this is fucking stupid *Submit* everyone will hate this *Submit* my worst tweet yet *Submit* this ones okay *Submit* ban me already *Submit*
me, DigimonOtis and some other asshole ride a three man bicycle to go buy some gold and were all dressed like dipshits and mad at each other
bullshit jeans.  dont buy.   made of some kind of rat hair. not denim. i took them to my priest and he refused to bless them
I'm proud to announce #1791Denim: REAL American jeans, made by Americans 
1791Denim
id like to be able to watch one Reba intro on youtube without seeing a bunch of comments from 3rd world nations threatening to "fuck" the WB
 a gigantic man is batting a ball of yarn around the floor of this @Maggianos little italy restaurant 
it is only natural that any reasonable human being would want to yell at my ass, but throwing spears at it is completely unnecessary
haha i just met a man named TenderWallace on irc who will scrape my teeth in his garage for 25 bucks so this whole dental office can suck it
scenario: i'm sitting in the dentist's chair getting my cavities filled. a stray pube enters the window and lands in my mouth. who's liable
fucking asshole 
please tell me I wasnt the only one screaming at the tv last night, begging for one of the VP candidates to recognize budweiser's sacrifices
im afraid our fair mayor has been living high off the hog by spending our precious tax money, as evidenced by his username "HighOffTheHog666
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH.  I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
please stop coming to the dumpster factory where i work and forcing me to tell diaper jokes. my boss has taken my car away becausr of this
once againl, the "legalize incest" crew has somehow hijacked the protest I organized to ban sorcerers from congress
once againl, the "legalize incest" crew has somehow hijacked the protest I organized to ban sorcerers from congress
my lawyer has just informed me that my official logo resembles an alien with a big dick. this is the My Lai Massacre of personal branding
THE TWIITTER DOT COM PROCESS: THROW PIECES OF SHIT AT THE WALL UNTIL SOMETHING STICKS, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF A WALL IT IS A LARGER PIECE OF SHIT
we all had that kid in school who shaved the Netflix logo into his hair &amp; kept saying "Cant wait to watch some Netflix" #WeAllHadThatKid #90
legally obligated to go door to door and inform neighbors of sex offender status but this is a good opportunity to sell my custom Gamecube's
hogan sex tape #MEDIa #TheMedia #notableSex ##fuckdf#lsd#####asjd#
some info i picked up: the brown recluse spider, lknown for its venomous bite, is not actually brown.  also theyre not spiders, theyre birds
which candidate wants to make it illegal for barbershops to kick me out for having a really dirty head. i dont believe in voting, but still
what's that bitch?? you say twitter is a "vacuous cesspool of lackadaisical platitudism"? yeah, i can make up words too: blublubludgyuhgh
#ILoveYouBut my foreskin is tangled up in the axle of a toy car and my leg is turning purple
another fucked up thing. why tdont people in tv &amp; film ever actually shit when they sit on the toilet. why arent we allowed to see the piss.
i theatrically cut open an envelope. "The facts are in, Trolls" i read off of a medical document. "Normal looking man. No evidence of Autism
IF COOLTRAINERDUSTIN ACTUALLY HAD A CRYSTAL THAT U COULD GAZE INTO 2 SEE ALL EPS OF "MIND OF MENCIA" HE WOULD PRETTY MUCGH HAVE 2 SHOW ME IT
 not a ragecomic"
sometimes ant clever than human 
jnust found out me and trig palin have the same agent, no big deal or anything
slow motion film of my ass deflating into a wrinkled mess, my screams can be heard in the backgrond, awful &amp; beast-like due to altered pitch
ptut a fucked up mix of mountain dew code red and salad dressing and sesame seeds into your hummingbird feeder and watch the world burn
a hair-thin string of spit slowly descends from my lips &amp; delicately makes contact w/ my crumpled up dick. i raise my head &amp; say"ok im good"
spent the last 14weeks creating enigmatic rock formations to distract cops while i pump all the fresh produce in town full of anabolic roids
I support DigimonOtis and his right to purchase a synthetic cloaca , and I respect his decision not to fuck it.
nothing more heartwrenching than having to look a man in the eye and say "pal, your brand is nonsense. not even the gurus can salvage this."
Crimes of the Ass (2005) (V) - Recommendations
how many druglords do i have to take down to get dog the bounty hunter to unblock me after i threatened to breastfeed him or something
U Have BEen Brought Into Court On The Charge That U Must Lick And Suck On My Cop Boots Mother Fucker - NOTE: THe Judge Is Also Wearing Boots
This is a guy who I imagine likes to jerk the old pole at night&amp; masturbate. This is a guy who uses tired swear words like "Fuck" and "Damn"
I just got word that a disrespectful message towards Dr. Phil has hit Darknet.  Users are advised not to download the offending material.
harassing a man at a urinal, claiming i copyrighted piss
theme song to Cheers makes every animal in my house howl untikl i fucking lose it and hurl all their cages across th room into an awful pile
i sit down at my cubicle, roll up m y pants and pick scabs off of my legs for 9 hours, ignoring evoery call &amp; email i receive. i make $76/hr
Sorry, username "MalnourishedBrony" is taken. Sorry, username "MalnourishedBrony2" is taken.  Sorry, username "ImKillingMyself" is taken
do not attach pieces of bullshit to m y net log without premission from my lawyer or ill take pictures of my monitor &amp; mail them to the judg
time to revisit Geis 
a man in a leather jacket emblazoned with "BabeSmoocher" single handeldly ruined my high school experience and is the reason im unemployed
the reason i poured vinegar all over TwistedKenneth's bike ramp is because he made a gross joke about piercing my dog`s nipple
me and several other eclectic masturbateurs have gathered on capital hill to protest Mr.Skin 's inadequate representation of " Indie " media
yea i totally deserve to be put on the sex offender registry cause i got caught taking pictures of my feet at fiveguys burger and fries. Not
obviously., thsi has only exasperated the issue, and my doctor is a piece of shit. please send me donations to help me shave my self
sorry if i offended anyone during my latest nude-out, the doctor told me to grow my body hair out to cover up the miserable amounts of acne
" I DO, IN FACT, REFER TO MY TWEETS AS 'CONTENT', AND BY CHRIST MY LORD THERE ARE RECORDINGS OF ME DOING SO " - TOP BRAND ENGINEER "AT DRIL"
someone please fucking come to my house and inspect my gums for any sort of discoloration and leave withotu speaking to me
no matter which way ya slice the apple, nine eleven was possibly THE most controversial event of 2001! #EmmyAwards #redcarpetfucker #pissrug
Muslims are currently rigging a poll on the international edition of CNN through a Facebook campaign. Let's show them Reddit power.
gonna need a relaly good explanation from twitter corp. as to why the recently added "me" button leads to a picture of a rat in a clown suit
the ye.ar  is 2009 AD.  world government has passed the G.R.E.E.D ACt, banning ownership of CD-ROM. hyperlinks have repleaced the dollar .
I LOVE TO ROUGHHOUSE , IM A STRAIGHT TICKET VOTER FOR THE GRAVEROBBER PARTY,AND I BELIEVE THE NUMBER ONE ISSUE IS "MOMS AT THE PUMP"
our list of demnads: 1) sportscenter on adult swim. non-negotiable  2) votig booths with beer in them 3) plastic bags to kill ourselves with
horny, distressed man causes local planetarium to collapse
HELLO IS THIS "FUCKWEB"?? HOW DO I LOG IN TO "FUCKWEB". GIVE ME ACCESS TO "FUCKWEB" THIS INSTANT. EXCUSE ME?? I AM NOT SHOUTING I AM TALKING
two simple words that will save our shitty, fucked up country from job loss, restore our dominance over china and end taxes: "cyber pinball"
went to kiss my agent on the cheek and i missed and kissed his sunglasses and he called me a fuck up and refuses to get me in iron man 3 now
im good old southern boy and we dont cotton to  bollocks .
my name is "hubo" now and not even my dad and all my uncles can change it back to "greg" no matter how many xboxs they step on
anonymous leaks 400 pics of the principals ass on viddler. somewhere a group of police officers stand over a single red rose in reverence
alright everyone. the official superpretzel website has given me word that there is no wrong way to eat a superpretzel. that settles it
No results found for "fuck superpretzel".  No results found for "superpretzel is bullshit".  No results found for "boycott superpretzel".
"Are Game's The Da Vinci Of The Modern Age" the interrogator barks. "What If Super Mario Was Real Life" he slaps the suspect across the face
who the fuck is scraeming "LOG OFF" at my house. show yourself, coward. i will never log off
"clothes" are a construct you fucking dolt. as well as flintsonte chewable vitamins is a construct, and grandmas house is a construct, prick
dicks have hairs all the way up to the tip, usually so short and fine that they cannot be detected by sensory perception . wax those suckers
what i sent you just now was not my sizzle reel. it was a teaser for my sizzle reel., and if you were in the industry youd fucking know that
i just spent the last hour removing lint and other foreign fibers from every miniscule wrinkle on my dick and i am now ready to enter Church
hello. im calling to report a misprint at the shirt factory. ordered 700 "shit man" tshirts but they all say "shirt man". no i will NOT hold
behead those who insult the prophet muhammad?? haha wow. holy moly.  "Thats ur opinion man." -the dube.
do not be alarme.d  the repulsive green hue of my dick and legs and stomach is merely a side effect of fucking bags of wet grass constantly
perhaps one of my most egregious viral marketing blunders was inciting radical islam by reading my controversial Dick Clark tweets on vimeo
Vinyl Sticker Description: Unless You Are Nude Don't Touch This Truck\nText On Product: Unless You Are Nude Don't Touch This Truck
Obauma, stop giving speeches and get to work locating and executing the Bastard Osama Bin Laden. #Remember911 #Wtc
Its the day of 9/11 and SouthPark is showin Satan and Saddam Hussain wtf
To the people who tweet about 9/11 just to get a bunch of retweets, you make me SICK. This is not something to try to get "popular" over.
I GRIN AS I CAREFULLY TYPE INTO THE MAINFRAME "A NINE AND AN ELEVEN WALK INTO A BAR...." SUDDENLY FBI AGENTS BUST IN AND START FUCKIN MY ASS
SENSING THAT I AM GLUING SEASHELLS TO MY TEN THOUSAND DOLLAR ALLIGATOR SHOES, AN AWARE UNIVERSE TRAVELS BACK IN TIME AND CREATES ITSELF
my spinning 3d head rises from a dumpster full of discarded shrimp who were born fucked up by the bp oil spill. eeyaaghhHHH!!! im ALIVE baby
if u say any fucked up things about the new york world trade nine eleven groundzero tower center tomorrow i will absolutely rip my pubes out
now that kfc has promoted me to "toilet officer", i want to shift the paradigm and change the way people think about shit and piss forever
as a teen the docotr told me my ass cheeks would grow into a normal mans size instead of looking like fucked up hockey pucks.  another lie
by suggesting that i suck your (Female) dick ,u have sufficiently violated at least 3 gneder sacraments and have theirfore earned a " fail"
"Personally I can't stand when a woman says. "Suck my dick," or anything of the like. You're a woman, you don't have a dick." #Me #GoodRedit
my account is of no business to the trolls and their septic ilk . go jack it, fraudsters.spew contemptuous bile on your toilet. not to @dril
Someone created a network called "(my moms name) pussy stinks!" The police said nothing could be done, but Reddit, something has to be done.
RAMPANT INCEST AMONG THE RULING CLASS, GLOBAL SHORTAGE OF DIVINE CRISIS EMERALDS, SANCTIFICATION OF BASTARD ENERGY BULL SHIT MOTHER FUCKER
me and six or seven other worked up, wild eyed heteros are gonna bust up a gas station with grappling hooks to protest obamas new hoagie tax
the wife simply refuses to acknowledge me as the Alpha Smoker and is making me look like a fucking beta smoker in front of all my in-laws
installing sneeze guards at old country buffet is tyranny and they make it far more difficult for me to vomit cigar grease all over the food
My friend, not get tongue bite.\n\n  Conrad, your friend; of  Argentine. (@YouTube 
pray to god that our children live long enough to be able to watch an astronaut fuck an Alien
TIL a janitor invented flamin' hot cheetos. (
i am truly devastated to announce that DigimonOtis is in a coma after getting his arm trapped underneath a beatmania cabinet #PrayForOtis
#IAlwaysThinkAbout the Arts
8 of the navy's finest men rappel into my quarters and change my diaper. i stumble towards the balcony and throw cans at their helicopter
Jailed Man Jumps Head First Into Toilet --   by InsaneOuttakes -- 110,973 views #TGIF #TGIF #TGIF #TGIF #TGIF #TGIF #TGIF #TGIF #TGIF #TGIF
is america ready for an <otaku> james bond? would this post-9/11 culture of fear ever allow an <otaku> james bond to grace the silver screen
look at this classist filth 
converted 95 Dodge Stratus into a motorized " fuck rig " that jacks my dick , consumes gas &amp; drives down property values with horrible noise
the only reason my ex wife wants half of my shit is because i smothered my beautiful bald ass in ink and stamped the divorce papers with it
closing off this childrens' playground until i am done filming parkour montage which i will use as psychological warfare against my landlord
as punishment, the townspeople force me to wear a prominent, scarlet letter "A", which stands for "a big piece of shit who loves crime"
you got me.  i was, in fact, cramming my dick between the toilet lid and the bowl to simulate sex.  but i was NOT "making a racket" .
gary johnson is the orgy president. gary johnosn has made it clear that he intends to make usa an orgy galaxy. gary johnson has an orgy tent
GM developing car seats which detect how wet your ass is and post the data onto your facebook page, for fun?? fuck eveory thing about this .
the fact is, my children are going to see people wearing Jeans on television, in the movies, and other media.  how do i explain that to them
a small, ramshackle town where nearly every adult male has a severe case of blue lung from being forced to work in the denim mines
it is time for me to fuck several pieces of corn, in the stead of a female human. i hope your labor day is full of laughter, joy and wonder.
grandmma, i would like to file a complaint against the soda you keep in the back of your fridge. it is flat and expired, like my dick .
People who loves Seth Rogen
chillin at home, going to sand my sons retro tricycle and primer it...
one needs only to read the quote on my favorite coffee mug to understand quite clearly, without a doubt, that i am mad about Content.
i believe we gotta push forward and afford dynamic, web based Content the exact same dignities and legal rights as Human Life
As A Business Man, I Cannot Relate To Sexual-Minded People, However THis So-Called Curse Undoubtedly FIRES UP My Award Winning Content
bested again by the youngsters who hurl entire thistle bushes at my nude body. these masterminds operate on a level that i cannot comprehend
FLORENCE RIVERBOAT JUG MAN AND THE COWARD MURDERERS
THE TWIN TOWER BULL SHIT GOOD TIME BAND
☠☠☠☠ the arab prince of hell obama dances in front of his throne while controlling the death markets with his enchanted baton ☠☠☠☠
i command my exwife to pour gunpowder into my pipe as i grip it between my clenched teeth and read money magazine
roll my big ass over in my favorite chiar and crush 4 of my horseshit wives for blabbing one off while im trying to absorb a beer commercial
fui
prolapsed 6 or 7 feet of gangrenous intestine onto the floor of the GOP national convention in my latest of many goof-ups, bloopers, &amp; flubs
knocn knock.  "whos there"  israel.  "israel who" 2012 is real.  buy paste
a 3x3 inch picture of my dirty teeth, framed ornately and hung on the wall of a mafia-owned jiffy lube waiting room in louisville, kentucky.
twitter is granting me the world's first Dark Verified Account because shit pumps through my veins like blood and i have a shitty attitude
now that the unofficial, unauthorized Hall and Oates Super PAC is dead I might as well lie face down in the fucking bathtub until im bones .
i have cut @AsexualFilmAnalysis out of my twuitter feed, because my doctor told me if i nod in agreement one more time my spine will rupture
christ. just dreamt that dietpepsi of antileaks obtained the chaos element, came on to my online page &amp; made a mess of my literature. my god
the reason dogs constatntly bark at me everywhere i go is that dogs are animals that were born in shit and are a bullshit animal in history.
This Fucking Sucks 
#10TurnOns getting lint and crumbs &amp; shit stuck to my back while doig 10,000 sit ups on the unemployment office floor as people trip over me
i will be hung by my ankles and displayed at the zoo until i can prove to the sheriff and city hall that i have Centered myself with christ
throw money at my dick
if id known he was planning on using it to wipe his dogs shitty mouth i wouldve never allowed XenoMarcus to borrow my monogrammed neckbrace
found in 100 yr time capsule: will o the wisp, a screaming bible, a fistful of shitty paper, some teeth, grandpas pipe, misc turds and husks
i ONLY spray m y dick with @MonsantoCo insect poiosn, i will absolutely accept NO OTHER, my dick is AWFUL and this is the only thing for it
Im Sorry For Dragging My Bull Shit To The Notary Public But If My Jason Bourne Rage Comics Aren't Canonized By Sundown My Wife WILL Leave Me
all the denim on earth is made from the skin of an extinct race of DragonMen who talked on the phone, died at the age of 19 and had cool sex
i plan on attending chad and avril's wedding so i can absorb all the Love and Music Energy and use it to repair the corrupted soul of gaia .
"not all los believe in shangri-la. I personally do believe there something to it. not gonna go into detail do to harrasment via youtube"
OH im so Fucking sorry "Your Majesty", i didnt realize that dick rings were banished in this dystopian piss earth. Ur probably a 9gag poster
more bullshit: enterprise rent-a-car will refuse to serve you if you imply that youre wearing a cock ring, even if its for health reasons
dick stuck in roomba - my dick has become trapped in a roomba, the Bastard of automated cleaning devices - i want 911 please
in Are society, women are constantly fucked and had sex with .  it is therefore my duty as a Senator to inspect their pussys for microchips
foudn some excellent Ass Shirts in a big red bag behind the hospital. i am replacing my entire wardrobe of tuxedos and zoot suits,with these
a cop will spank you publicly just for breast feeding your pitbull in public .  but when a bug bites you hes all "euhhh i dont arrest bugs"
EVERYONE PLEASE BUY YOUR MAGIC SPELLS BEOFRE AUGUST 30 WHEN EBAY BANS THEM FOR GOOD, CONTACT YOUR LOCAL ANONYMOUS REPRESENTATIVE &amp; HOLLER BS
deep philosophical questions , such as "has a police man ever retweeted me"
i personally blame th e skyrocketing army suicide rate on the Preposterous fucking bullshit i post here on a near daily basis
nobody seems to realize how many people had to die to bring 3d back to the theaters and its extremely fucked up that interest is waning
im concerned that individuals are uploading images of a sexual nature to the johnny bravo wiki . 
my mastercraft. a youtube poop vid that chronicles my spiraling depressive state. a downvote goldmine to the likes of the trolling bastards.
strongest blade in the world, howeve,r it is so fragile as to shatter when handled by any force other than the delicate touch of a lesbian .
if i could only maneuver myself in such a fashion that my dick could fit into the drain of my bathtub id be truly content with my life
LAUGHING AT THE VERY IDEA OF THIS MYTHIC "POLICE MAN" WHO SUPPOSEDLY HAS THE ABILITY TO STOP ME FROM RIPPIN UP CRAB LEGS ON THE CHURCH FLOOR
my name is krayg. i am 49 years old.  i have forgone all emotion.  i am writing this letter to put an end to the tyranny known as Nick Jr
as a small business owner i think its bulshit that i have to give 30
 of my income to Spain just because obama lost a swordfight to some Fag
#ThingsThatKeepMeAwakeAtNight 62
 of teens report achieving a "sexual thrill" by committing acts of violence, up from 38
 in 1992 #Rasmussen
if you want a verified account on this website you gotta drink Pepsi ONE™. the food board recommends drinking 1800 Pepsi ONE™s a day
check out my interview in GolfVibe magazine, aobut my newest upcoming tweet, titled "Snowman Fucker"
i squat down, leaving a tiny, perfect marble of shit in the lobby of four seasons hotel in honolulu. i then contact my associate, James Bond
i want to be responsible for getting carly rae jespen into cigarettes just so i can be sure she's taking a christian brand
These replies are getting out of hand.  Im going to lock twitter down for a bit while you savages sort your goddamn lives out. Bye. Whatever
just sitting here waiting for mny nails to dry. i can debate the sex losers all day. but I wont because I possess the inner strength not to
does Theire exist a single caveman who has gained lastable notoriety through his or her accomplishments? Not a one. ban sex and ban caves
it is my understanding that people are afraid to exit the caveman age by removing sex from their lives because of peer pressure and anger
if someone can get me the quran written in saddam hussein's blood i will use it to craft a Blade and i will let you touch the blade one time
1936: alan turing invents the computer and is persecuted for being gay. 2006: s. miyamoto invents the Wii and is persecuted for being Casual
(a) an alternate universe where im gay (b) an alternate universe where im bi (c) an alternate universe where alternate universes aren't real
apparently if you pull pics of the gym teacher's mansion off google street view and draw some ghosts dancin on it the fbi handcuffs your mom
called a "fucking asshole" for slipping cool pictures of rage faces doing hitler things underneath all the doors at the hospital. yeah cool
"the key to making that steak sizzle is to get a nice dry rub from your dry rub man, and prayer. prayer fucking owns" - sun tzu or some shit
replacing my ass cheeks with both hemispheres of my useless brain was a decision i made for MYSELF. i didnt do it to fucking impress twitter
replacing my ass cheeks with both hemispheres of my useless brain was a decision i made for MYSELF. i didnt do it to fucking impress twitter
We did not find results for: "GOT TO FIND OUT IF THE RAT WHO BIT MY DICK IS A GIRL ONE PRONTO" Try the suggestions below or type a new quer
special message to the wrestler who got himself on mars and knocked the curiosity robot over--- im going to turn you into Bugs
the xrays indicate you have a laughing skull in your stomach,. youre deathpreg. diont you dare give birth to that bonehead in my office
romney claims obama takes too many showers &amp; dries skin out. in resposne, obama slow;ly steps on mitt's dick &amp; balls with a high heeled shoe
obama accuses romney of being unfunny, and too "Random". romney responds by saying obama'/s "Mad" and his page has too much anime shit on it
if you think this is a freaking humour account. youre a piece of shit. please refer to my listitng in GQ magazine under Arts &amp; Entertainment
need to know who wrote "Micropenis Kisser" on my barbeque grill, because if i actually ever kissed a micropenis i must inform my lips doctor
installed 28 Mods on this pair alone. wrangler, levi.. they all want me dead,m because i refuse to offer them my talents. the jeans hacker .
grown man's ass surgically transplanted onto his son. final wish of a dying father
currently employed as Water Guru at the beach. it's sort of like being a lifeguard except i have no inclination to touch the drowning people
GagBlog.Eu // 12 Most Awkward Honor Killings // The Ten Beer Commandments // Sex Mom Debunks LIBOR Scandal // GagBlog.Eu
the only ones authorized to sneak peeks at my dick are 1) my doctor, 2) my dentist, and 3) my lawyer.  as for the trolls? No Dice— Bub.
rip out my chest hiar and shove fistfuls of it into my fat mouth while my slobber-glazed jowls shake about and sprinkle your bosom with spit
my wife. my beautiful wife. i cannot lie to you any longer. the fbi is after me for kicking president obama's Turtle. thats why im screaming
don't know why people think it's fair to call me "The Piss Judge" just because I pissed all over the floor of my courtroom that one time
never allow yourself to be loved. treat the Burger King brand with respect. celebrate ramadan EVERY month. end moms. vote with ur skateboard
i sense that my Zwinky knows when i'm feeling upset. is it possible that Zwinkys operate on a higher level of consciousness than humans? yes
my birth name is "KFC Sunflower", but you can call me "Shit"
#deedeedee I am on a plane totally not caring if it crashed. WTF, I guess alcohol, sadness and a red eye don't really mix.
deedeedee
basically i got David (@DavidSpade) over here-- just laughin at all the Virgins that are mad about our bold new definition of Christianity
every 100 years ,the world votes for a new Bible, to replace the old one. i honourably submit: The Joe Dirt Novel, writen by Spade, as bibl.
jacque fresco and i watched the original run of matt groening's "Futurama" together and i pointed at the screen whenever the robot came on
wassup. yoda here. froum "Starwars".  i m here to rep pro-ana. remember to eat paper instead of food. may the force be with u . thank you
glued a bunch of steaks to my body &amp; did some poses &amp; got the 2012 olympic muscle man medal &amp; threw it in the trash cause its commercialized
this mug is Perfect. 
if that lawyer didnt want his wall punched, he shouldnt have told me my uncle left me a sony walkman filled with cut up bugs in his will
theres bullshit Cybervamp and regualr cybervamp, and im the regular one, and youre the bullshit one cause you do shit like play mario games
dont speak to me on this site . 
fat nude man in guy fawkes mask sucked up by jet engine while doing jumping jacks on runway. the olympics have been cancelled in his honor
LISTEN UP NERD, THE WEIGHTS WITH HIEROGLYPHS ON THEM ARE IMPOSSIBLE TO LIFT UNLESS YOU POSSESS THE CORRESPONDING RUNESTONE, THIS IS HELL GYM
the holmes aurora shooter's main problem was that he did not respect the Guns. hes paying the price because he didnt respect the guns.
the first rule about Guns is to Respect The Guns.  NEVER let your dog lick the Guns.  and don't point the Guns at anything unless it is bad
#5ReasonsIHateFacebook DIRTY GOVT TRICKS, CRIME CODES, THE 666 MICRO CHIP, BOROUGH COUNCILMAN "RODGE PETRIS" , WAR PLANET-- LOOK UM UP
please get the comedy central roast of My Ass OFF THE AIR. it has been edited to make me seem like a good sport., however im truly pissed of
YOUTUBE VID "GRANDMA FUCKS UP" FINALLY HAS 1,000 VIEWS.  TIME TO ROLL OUT THE "GRANDMA FUCKS UP" MERCH AND QUIT MY JOB AS A TOWEL INSPECTOR
I want to be Gargled at.  I Want To Be Spit On, Hollered, and Fucked at.  I Want To Be Pissed Towards.  I Want My God Given Disposal
if U think the tiny stop signs on the sides of school buses are real Ur probably a huge nerd who had to get his butt wiped by the principal
my korean fan-translation of the mclaughlin group has been CANCELLED due to STIGMATA onset by FUCKERS who kept asking about the RELEASE DATE
let me tell you how i deal with Haters. i collect their piss in a jar and keep it next to my monitor. why?? uhrh. i think it makes them mad
a Nerd corners me to talk about sweaters or somethimg. while he speaks my grimacing head slowly shrinks into a hideous purple knot. he cries
I CAN THINK OF AT LEAST TEN REASONS WHY I WOULD TAKE MY SHIRT OFF AT THE DMV AND NONE OF THEM CONSIDER THE TEMPERATURE
RATIONALIZE YOUR FILTH ONLINE, SCROUNGE THE WEB FOR EMOTION, LOG OFF ANGRY AND GO TO BED SAD
whats the fucking point of even achieving muslim knighthood if i cant wear the ceremonial headdress to Jail #BULLSHIT #CRAMITBUSTER #HELPME
sell shares in pond demons. i;m disappointed in pond demons
buy shares in the Markets.  i have a really good feeling about the markets
the unsung heroes of the front lines, the diaper medics who face certain death to change our troops and wipe their asses during heavy combat
LOVER UNBUTTONS MY PANTS AND SEES THE ANKH LOOPED AROUND MY COCK. SHE LOOKS UP AT ME, BUT ITS TOO LATE. IM ALREADY HOLLERIN ABOUT THE ANUBIS
#WorstFiftyShadesAudioBookNarrator my ass.. heh heh .. OH YEA!!!  BLAMMO!! my Fuckin ASS. my ASS. MY FUCKING ASS. read it and weep, bozoes .
i come to u, gentlemnen, with solemn demeanor, for me and NeoGeoLewis agree; the grim state of the Pringles brand can be tolerated no longer
my "F*&amp;k It!! Let's Go Golfin" t-shirt maintains a tenacious stranglehold on my life. after 1,125 days of Golf my body is twisted, deformed
Are U for Real #AreUForReal
im starting a new feature on twitter called "Are U for Real".  Check it out
I Just cried for 9 hrs because i realized i will never have my own Faerie, and NOw i gotta get my car inspected??  SEriously? Are U for REAL
im trans-siberian orcehstra for christsake
IM AN incest-libertarikin transvaginal ultrasound who owns GUn's and i will post a picture of my dick everyday until voting is made illegal
my watch beeps whwich means its time to stand in front of my ex-wife's house and play "Hit THe Road Jack" while dacning and licking her mail
#ReplaceMovieTitleWithCheese the n.w.o and the illuminati orchestrated katrina and colony collaspe || send paypal to BLOODTRUTH@yahoo.com
#RejectedScoutBadges CHALLENGING AUTHORITY.  COPING WITH FAILURE.  DRINKING DIRTY WATER
the doctor reveals my blood pressure is 420 over 69. i hoot &amp; holler outta the building while a bunch of losers try to tell me that im dying
A CEREMONIAL CULLING OF THE HATERS WILL THEN OCCUR, WITH EACH PENN STATE DOOFUS PUNCHING THEIR OWN COCKS INTO THE SAND WHILE SOBBING #WeAre
AMID THE DISASTROUS TORRENT OF JOE PA'S WASTE &amp; ROT, AN IMPROMPTU COMPETITION WILL OCCUR TO SEE WHO CAN SHOUT "FOOT BALL" THE LOUDEST #WeAre
ONE DAY THE ACCUMULATED BODILY WASTE WILL CAUSE JOE PA'S COFFIN TO ERUPT, SHOWERING THE FACES OF HIS WORTHLESS SUPPORTERS WITH FILTH #WeAre
JOE PATERNO IS A LEGEND. THE MOMENT HE WAS BURIED HE IMMEDIATELY GOT 2 WORK FILLING HIS COFFIN WITH PISS, SHIT, &amp; CUM. HES JACKIN OF. #WeAre
indeed, god is starting another great flood but this time he wants the ark filled with a shitload of monster and red bull instead of animals
even if youre not a comics guy, i woud fully recommend grabbin a cigar and experiencing Blondie's 948-strip "BENEDICTION" arc in one sitting
sent to juvie hall for 6 months for rendering 3d skunks
dunnno why people are spending $80 on yellow tinted gaming glasses when you can just piss all over your monitor for a similar effect
my ass has become too powerful for even me to contorl. tonight , i will sit on the hibachi grill at benihana and put an end to this hell
lets mix the jail and the zoo togehter and have whistles going off constantly so nothing can sleep and spray piss and glue around as a bonus
#10FavoriteRappers "BUMPERCROP", SLUQQQIX, "NONNO", MANDULAQUAI, QUAMFANGO, "HELPER BOY", GWID SMITZ, JAUWLINE, YUGODELPHIA, AND "STAR WORS"
CRASHED RECUMBENT BIKE IN2 SOME FUCKED UP BRAMBLE PATCH WHILE TAKING PICS OF HANGNAIL FOR WIKIPEDIA. MY CRIES FOR HELP ARE MUFFLED BY MY ASS
TheFrugalWearer taught me how to make diapers out of duct tape and packing peanuts, and i will NOT let youtube censor him. america is FUCKED
Let 's Fill The Large Hadron Collider With Garbage Now That They Found Their Shitty Particle
itoday i realized that Miracles, Guardian Angels, God, it all exists; when i put 1000 bees on my dick and every single one of them stung it
i jsut made $9 on amazon's Mechanical Turk after clicking on pictures of Silos for 30 hours straight., eat my shit #goingGolt #JOhngolt
whoever keeps adding "none of the characters ever piss or shit" to the "goofs" section of my indie film's IMDB page needs to wrestle my legs
I am going to wear my new skinny jeans, along with my #DoctorWhooves shirt tomorrow to church XD totaly #brony swag!
DoctorWhooves
brony
I Think Zombie Apocolips Is Coming For Us Next 😳
What If the water contamination thing start a zombie apocolips
me and several S&amp;P 500 CEOs often have sleepovers and discuss which MLB players we wanna kiss and try to determine which ones are Neuroqueer
there's almost certainly a cosmic connection between my conversion to Muslim and my ascension from "'Tweet Writer" to "Content Producer".
sometimes i wish my ass would be destroyed by a meteor just so i wouldn't have to take shits anymore
please follow my business associates @ZohanTweet, @Jokes_Zohan, @RacistZohan, @ZohanCroatia, @ZohanMoneyTips, @ZOHAN_REAL, and @MyFunnyZohan
i chew on my philly cheesesteak as i place a camera under the table to film womens' feet. 
poor spelling is no longer tolerated on this log. this is an adult account now., and i will NOT lose this follow friday to tghe trolls .
thought friday would be a fun day to test run my pizza-pattern necktie, until i ripped my clothes off after being called a "fucking scourge"
i will admit that sometimes i crash my car on purpose just so i can get a faceful of my Denim Airbags
I already discovered the Higgs-Boson particle in the trash can, with the rest of the hokum . #CERN #God #GodReal #GodIsReal #GodsReal
america the Fuck-State proves once again that ti is bullshit, by locking innocent Toilets in most prison cells without trial
either my chris farley summoning ritual was a success or a Fucking owl got in here again.  wherres that god damn light switch
YES.  I AM THE HARD ROCK CAFE.  YES.  I DID ORDER 18 "ROCKABILLY URINALS".  JUST PILE THEM UP OUTSIDE OF MY CRIME BASE-- ER I MEAN VAN
if i ever get Crucified i would like it to be on my official warhammer 40,000 surfboard while my all my pitbulls bark at me
#ToMyFutureKids please tell Past Daddy which 9/11s to prevent
i pin a nerd up against the wall and sink my fist into his stomach.  "thats for retweeting me" i strike again. "and THATs for faving me"
yo.  dont go swimming in that swamp i just cummed in
im sorry but if my indie bible translation fund doesnt gain any traction soon im going to have to posnt another one of my trade mark rants.
#DemocratMovies Old Yeller dog democrat gets shot
DemocratMovies
#DemocratMovies Honey I rfid chipped the kids
DemocratMovies
mny life goal is to find and make love to the one millionth mom
DICKSLAVE NUMBER 288, DICKSLAVE NUMBER 122, AND DICKSLAVE NUMBER 195 WALK INTO A BAR. THEY ORDER THREE DRINKS AND MAKE POLITE CONVERSATION
at last., after years of legal b.s. i am finally required to be served up to 5 communion wafers at church because im a big fat hungry man
fucking CHRIst. this dipshit clerk at hollister has been rtrying to run my denim credit card thru the reader for like 10 mins. go to College
informed by family that i wont be invited to anymore funerals if i dont develop a jawline, fix my fucked up voice, and fix my fucked up skin
stop it Teens.  stop grabbing onto my jeans and SKitching me as i try to run away.  im a teen too.  im one of you
it has come to my attention that people have been saying sex things, and alcohol things on this site. these posts give me migraines so stop
i hand the doctor my urine sample and he removes a tiny wad of flesh floating around in it. "i believe this is yours" "yeah that's my dick"
eovery single day i thank God for my perfect skin and soft kissable lips as i wrap barbed wire around my arms and legs
calling it: SimAss from Maxis will be 1991's hottest title.  greatest Ass simulator I have ever had the pleasure of using.
just realized that skeletons are basically just rocks hitching a free ride inside of our bodies.  sad and pissed off
memes of the antarctic
if trucks can wear nuts Then i should be allowed to nail yosemite sam mudflaps to my asscheeks
where do mirrors come from.  if i stand in front of a mirror is my reflection also subject to the insurance mandate??  can i touch mirrors ?
some say if you show your ass to the hell mirror you will feel the icy finger of the reaper touch the back of your bals
2020: america elects the first Shirtless president
AMERICA REALLY DEAD THIS TIME. I MEAN IT. ALL NATIONS UNITE TO DONATE BILLIONS OF TONS OF DIRT TO GIVE A PROPER BURIAL TO OUR DEAD COUNTRY
Friend bullshit walmart connection
Day 2 of this coupon bullshit
with all this talk of nanotechnology the next logical step is miniature girls with cat ears and big dicks injected directly into our blood
BUSTING THROUGHG THE WALL OF KFC WHILE RUNNING ON TOP OF A GIANT ROLLING BARREL LABELLED "BEAK WASTE" , OVER THE HORIZON, GONE FOREVER
jungle of bad ass toilet attachments and accessories turned against me. robot arms shoving toilet paper in my mouth and restraining my dick
muscle milk?? i make my own, thanks.  *REVEALS A PERFECT ROW OF NIPPLES ON LEFT BICEP WHILE SOME SERIOUSLY RIPPED DUDES LINE UP FOR A TASTE*
stop giving $ to these so-called "gyms". realize that u can attain God's Body by finding hot cars and sitting in them til the owner arrives
im going to prank call a bunch of moms in my latest collaboration with MTV Japan
if you see me dragging a compass through the sand, i'm conducting Market Analysis and must not be distracted
proposed Meme Graveyard offers chance to pay respect to the very best online jokes and gags. planned to be built on top of regular graveyard
im going to eat this entire rack of baby back ribs in protest of nasa's bullshit robot on mars
there's a series of codewords that will shut this website down permanently if ever tweeted, and those words are "this is twitter sparta".
do not strain the ass. the best way to take a shit is to electrocute yourself and let it all shoot out naturally. never strain the ass.
This Was Supposed To Be The Summer Of Lonesome George
pyramid was the first haunted hous.e  Fact.
if driving by the dog kennel while gargling into a megaphone doesn't count as "community service" then maybe i should piss in the courtroom
please stop changing the "Gomco Clamp" wikipedia entry, i have the entire article tattooed on my back and im sick of having to update it
did i jsut piss myself?  no .  these are mood jeans that change color when i am sick of putting up with jokers such as your self
im a 51 yr old man who doesnt know how to wash him self, abnd i love the attention, and i love making ignorant people mad, and im crazy cool
liist of people who drink beer: wastoids, junkfreaks, crimepunks, crankensteins, grimesmackers, pissbois, mudgeeks, roadslime, and meatballs
Reason For Ban : Unfairly denigrating the SuperPretzel™ brand.  //  Date Ban Will Be Lifted : Never
my opionon on people who use the word "ass" is as follows: these people dont exist to me, therefore ih ave no opinion of them. theyre rotten
president obama orders assassination of the man who holds a "COWBOY ISNT REAL" sign outside of the longhorn steakhouse
At my uncles boring funeral reception thing...im starving.
Funeral Home . . . BORING --__--
Bored at this funeral smh  
How bored i am at this funeral...tying cherry stems with my tongue 
PHANTOM LIMB PAIN #WHITEPEOPLEPROBLENMS
the blue thumnbtacks on this map indicate concentrations of high 月(luna) energy, the red ones are all the panera breads ive been banned from
if scientists have demonstrated that rats can breathe in an oxygen-rich liquid then why cant i breathe while submerged in Pepsi `s
reddit: my uncle caught me licking my sistser's bicycle seat and now i need u to send me as many mcdonald's monopoly game pieces as possible
when I catch the hater/troll who plunged the legendary sword AssBane into my butcheek I will do a cowboy dance on his tiny nuts &amp; kill myslf
well i was going to climb mount everest but this yelp review says theres a nude man at the summit swinging chains around and yelling "fuck u
in short, my greasy chest hair has finally achieved complete fusion with my filthy blues brothers bib, and i am now essentially a cyborg
dont follow me. dont rewteet me. dont fav me.  dont look at my page.  dont help me.  dont click on my pets.  dont touch me.  dont blog me.
MY WORST FEARS CONFIRME, COPS IN SEWER, MEASUIRING MY TOILET STATS AND PUTTING LOUD BUGS IN MY HOUSE AS PUNISHMENT WHENEVER I FUCK UP
im going to drink honey live on camera until the borough responds to my repeated demands to demolish my house with me still inside of it
wlel, it's almost time to deliver grandma's eulogy. the perfect time to announce that i'm quitting my job at IBM and becoming a SuicideGirl
gentlmen: a crisis. my official pizza hut rage face widget reports that ive posted the "Wtf Face" 138 times in may 2012 alone. trouble ahead
DESPERATELY MASHING MY HANDPRINTS INTO A HUGE WAD OF MY OWN SHIT ON THE HOLLYWOOD WALK OF FAME WHILE COPS FILL ME WITH BULLETS
ill be hiding under the floorboards and snorting herbs for stress relief energy until i am ready to face my guinea pigs again
proposed mural of Dr. martin luther king breastfeeding a pitbull wrapped in us flag REJECTED by town "Fucking" hall #DeathEarth #EarthDeath
everoy father's day my dad would take me out on a picnic, and he always filled our picnic basket with dirt, because dirt is the shit of God
if ur wrestling coach calls himself "mr feet pics" and has pictures of feet all over his office, break his trophies for dishonoring the game
guinness coming in 2 mins to film me breaking the coveted "most trash cans knocked over using piss" record but im too sad to put clothes on
#ImSingleBecause my grasp of humen sexuality far exceeds that of eveyr girl
guess who just filled his hot tub with high fructose corn syrup and is ready to take one swee t dip...............
i have defibrillator paddles strapped to each ass cheeck and im ready to bring hell to the nerds
well fucking great. my date's getting here in 10 minutes and im going to look like an imbecile with my bookcase devoid of any rat literature
i can't afford any rat literature because i spent too much money on the elaborate sign over my empty bookcase which reads "RAT LITERATURE"
TO WHOEVER IS SHRIEKING AT ME RIGHT NOW I CANT SEE YOU BECUAS EIM FUCKING RUN OVER BY  CARS SO SHUT THE FUCK UP
TO WHOEVER IS SHRIEKING AT ME RIGHT NOW I CANT SEE YOU BECUAS EIM FUCKING RUN OVER BY  CARS SO SHUT THE FUCK UP
"This Whole Thing Smacks Of Gender," i holler as i overturn my uncle's barbeque grill and turn the 4th of July into the 4th of Shit
what happens when kirby swallows the qur'an and is granted its considerable power. my 81 chapter fanfic explores this issue -- and more
how d o i subtly let my hairdresser know that i want her to cut my dick off instead of my hair
the shirtless man at the farmer's market has been talking about  "lesbian gravel" to the peanut guy for like an hour
blows on a horn and summons hundreds of Leather Daddies who form a human pyramid which i climb on top of to survive the second great flood
im pretty much the Harlem Globe Trotter's of getting myself forcibly removed from laundromats
ive been wearing the same pair of jeans for 4 years and i only got sepsis once, read Maddox's Alphabet of Manliness or be frend zone forever
the shit i was postng on twitter in the 80s and 90s?? uh yeah, that was the real shit. nowadays its pandering hipster filth and Crude humour
someone please send me the recording of orson welles reading off that big list of "you might be a redneck" jokes., i need it beofre 11 PM
STARTING A KICKSTARTER TO GET ME UNBANNED FROM KICKSTARTER. COM AFTER I CALLED IT "PRICKSTARTER" IN A PRIVATE EMAIL
if i cant embed this video of me throwing fireworks at a stump into my dating profile then i might as well just cut my dick off
now's the perfect time to take out that nasty Zynga money before it goes sour &amp; invest it directly into The Spice Girls. flame me if u must
SHIRTLESS MAN AT THE FARMERS MARKET WHO EVALUATES THE FOOD BY "LISTENING " TO IT WITH HIS EAR IS BACK.. THINK ILL SIPHON SOME OF HIS MANA
i was bullied and tortured at school because i was the only kid with a waterbed. so i got surgery and became a waterbed. suck my cock trolls
if i could get my hands on the wildman who painted sexy butterfly girls all over my wreckingball i woud tie him up and throw my shoes at him
"animaniac_fucker" has posted a touching tribute t o the Rwandan Arby's Bombings, please install your CoolBuxVid Media Enhancer to view it
important.  
nows the time when the CEO of the company inspects each employee's shit, and im nervous cus my turds look like fucked up little caterpillers
<MY FATHER> , who had gone missing for 17 years and was presumed dead after failing to return from his ultimate dumpster diving life quest
a <DUMPSTER WITHIN A DUMPSTER>, once in a lifetime find, can be used as Armor or rolled down a steep incline to make A TON of noise
a <MYSTERIOUS CHASM> leading to an unrelenting void, a terrifying nightscape of psychological torture and constant misery. the worst dive
<MUMMIFIED FERRETS>, each one dressed as a cast member of "The Little Rascals". the notable exception of Froggy renders the set incomplete
nice bundle of <URI GELLER PEZ DISPENSERS>, many of which appear to be ruined by human teeth marks but some of them are ok
<IRAQI PROPAGANDA MOUSEPADS> , featuring Uday and Qusay Hussein as babies wearing Costumes at the circus
49 reams of <WALLACE AND GROMIT LEGAL-SIZED STATIONERY>, only a bastard would allow this to tocuh the foul lips of a garbage can.
two hundred <JOHNNY COCHRAN LEWD HUMOR SWEATERS> , the kennel will give ya 20 cents for these , the animals love to wear them and rip em up
about a dozen or so misshapen <ROSS PEROT VICTORY '96 ASHTRAYS> ,woud love to take up smoking just to get some use outta these bad boys
an untampered Sleeve of <TERRY SCHIAVO DECALED FRISBEES> i tell ya, the guy who threw these puppys out is the real frisby.
three unopened boxes of promotional <E.T. "MOONLIGHT ONION" FLAVORED DORITOE'S>, covered in what appears to be machine oil but still good
alright Boys i just spent seven years on a dumpster diving voyage across South America and i got some nice Finds for YA , lets take a look:
to the man in the forest dressed up like a traffic cop, giving all sorts of unauthorized directions and disrupting harmony of nature: FUCK U
as the sun consumes the earth i will stand atop the highest mountain with my arms spread wide , shouting "Bring Back Meebo"
CUMGROOM VS, SHITBRIDE; MURDER IN THE ARENA AT THE GREATEST ANTI-WEDDING ON EARH, LOCATED AT DISCOUNT RODNEY'S CHURCH OF PISS, BRING GUNS
Help Me Deep Freeze My Beard So It Stinks Less
i ask everyone to watch my recital but before i can begin i immediately slip and fall into the yellowstone supervolcano and my dick explodes
man on mountaintop wont stop yelling "Wanker" , cops cannot reach him buecause of falling rocks
can anyone who has successfully made a surfboard out of their own shit please holler some pointers at me or maybe shoot me if you have a gun
man with "GLUTESLORD" written on sweatband has gone mad with power, destroying nerds with sniper rifle from fortress on the roof of the gym
so apparently if you take all of the autism awareness puzzle piece car decals and put them together you get a cool pic of yoshi as a girl
today TekkenChauncey claimed that spiders make their webs out of cum and that makes them Gay so i destroyed his mame cabinet with my boots
can you please alter this "PROPERTY OF THE ZOO" tattoo on my back into maybe like a naked gypsy chick
i flash my pistol and hand a note to the cashier at Wendy's.  the note reads as follows:  "I Want A GF With Bat Wings"
petrified 800 nubile women with mucus and the so-called great state of wyoming wont allow me to build a palace out of their bodies -- fuck u
dinner at pf chang? let me consult the oracle *squats over mirror and spreads ass cheesk a little bit before getting depressed and stopping*
they didnt show "rag fucker" at e3, i was really expecting them to show "rag fucker", disappointed &amp; concerend about future of "rag fucker"
FUCK TWITTER
IF YOURE 1 OF THE 10000 PEOPLE WHO IGNORED ME WHILE I WAS HALF DISSOLVED IN A HOT TUB BEGGING FOR SEX JUSt REMMEBER THAT I OWN CBS BRDCSTING
how many gross rags can i shove into htis decommissioned nintendo game boy before i carry it around town for hours like a lost fucking idiot
banned from BullShit public pool for  instantly turning water into Mud by jumping in it, begging lifeguard to end my life, etc and so Foreth
#e3rumors some meme guy will walkout on stage twirlin two pistols and begin kicking cans of Gun Flavored Mountain Dew into a screaming crowd
#e3rumors IM THAT HANDSOME FELLA LAYIN ON THE HOOD OF HIS LEXUS NEXT TO THE CONFERENCE HALL, STROKIN IT TO ALL THE RIFF-RAFF ABOUT THE PLACE
COOL PIC FOUND, CRAMMED UNDERNEATH THE DRAWERS OF MY DESK AT WORK FOR PERHAPS A DECADE 
.@girl I Wanna Rub Ur Belley
gentlemen, i implore you not to miss the Gamer's Challenge, wherein i will complete donkey kong countyr 3 (italian vrsn) without crying
b3ndr, PepsiCynic, and myself will be streaming an incan healing ritual, intending to absorb blood from viewers to regenerate our foreskins
a mother bird tends to her young until my big sweatpants ass slowly pushes her nest off of the tree
look out for the car with the words "INCEST DEATH" painted on the hood thats always going like 20-30 mph under the speed limit, that ones me
middle-aged men have been retreating to the sewers of our fair city to cry. as mayor i will promise to eradicate these terrible crying men
"humankind is so corrupt" i mutter as i sandwich my dick between my badge and gun and take several pics of it with a disposable camera
wassup babe, im the reason Pregnancy-info .net disabled video embedding on their forums, how abuot giving me a nice kiss
.@fBisky d o it mother fucker, i thrive off of hell energy, i feed off of hater bullshit
BREAKER BREAKER ONE NINE THIS IS BIG SHITTY TRUCK DRIVER HAUL`N A BIG CUMMY DICK ON DOWN 2 SAN QUENTIN PENITENTIARY 2 FUCK ALL THE PRISONERS
im ready to show all of you my trick. watch *spreads arms and screams at the mountainside until an avalanche of boulders engulf me entirely*
IF THE ZOO BANS ME FOR HOLLERING AT THE ANIMALS I WILL FACE GOD AND WALK BACKWARDS INTO HELL
if a $40000 check isnt made out to DigimonOtis in the next 3 hours, we WILL hack missouri's official state dog and change it to a dirty boot
ok piss stian, this ralph wiggum tattoo is a long-term investment, meaning its value will grow over time. go read a Economic ' s book, child
and the nobel peace prize goes to... "Fag Poisoner"?? a huge tattooed man takes the stage &amp; bites into the award like a cookie, gives finger
Louis? gosh, it's been years. it's me, Neal, from Law School. anyway, i got this big juicy onion here, was thinking me and you could fuck it
A MAD TYRANT has cracked the admin password for IRC chatroom #DiaperIsrael -- the entirety of DARKNET is in peril
senator rich blumenthal (D-CT) just threw a towel over the parkour mans head.  game over, earth is dead
FREE COUPONS - GET 3 SIMPSONS OF YOUR CHOICE PROFESSIONALLY PRINTED IN FULL COLOR ON THE SIDE OF ANY DESERT EAGLE PISTOL - I GOT 'UM
turn on c-span, therse a man with an anonymous mask doing parkour on the senate floor and im rubbing my face on the tv to absorb his energy
my velcro jeans burst open, scattering my secret stash of 2 liter canada dry bottles as I stumble backwards off the roof of the 9/11 buildig
ohhh anOTHER solar eclipse, you say ??  gee i cant wait.. *does the Jerk Off motion until the sun supernovas itself out of shame*
HappyMothersDay
"hey, you know what people like to smell while eating?? feet and piss" - guy who decided to put playground tunnels in fast food restaurants
everyone send me indie films about uncancelling "wild hogs 2" and i promise to project them onto my garage door. no cussing or nude, plaese.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
SOME PLACE BETWEEN HEAVEN AND HELL EXISTS "INCEST WEB"
why hasnt twitter verified @AssBoss yet.  im certain that he's the real ass boss
from the popular TED talks comes the TED Scream.  at first glance, it's a man screaming on stage. but can his screams change the world ???
EVERYONE ON EARTH PLEASE SHOVE YOUR HANDS INTO YOUR POCKETS AND LAY FLAT FACING THE GROUND UNTIL MY LOST "PUSSYMAN" APRON TURNS UP
BOOOOOO TO M Y 10000TH FOLLOWER @TorresaurusRex BOO YOU PICE OF SHIT EVERYONE THROW YOUR SHOES AT @TorresaurusRex SUCK MY DICK
two thunbs down for ebert's fucked up new mouth
sorry, all.  "Let's Play: Pissrealms 2D: Part 314" has been postponed indefinitely, due to an injury i sustained while taking off my shirt
some simpsons dvds fall outta my velvet robe while pouring my date a drink at my penthouse suite. i bend down to check if they got fucked up
priest plugs my coffin in at the end of the funeral. "MILLERTIME" lights up in neon on the side, desecrating my corspe &amp; sending me to hell
hit by a train while wearing a trenchcoat bloated with family guy jewelry and nobody even helped me pick any of it up because god is twisted
certain theres a special combination of ancient cowboy noises that will get you free shit from QVC and ill keep calling until i FINd it
i saw a man at rofl con with a huge black stain down the ass crack.  can another attendee please confirm  #roflcon #StainMan
dont u dare step foot into my dojo until youve read oprah's blog post about east asian nutrigenomics and their remarkable immunity to autism
yo this server is for pregnant halo players only.  all u non pregs can go suck a lemon, capiche??
WHAT HAPPENS TO THE SHIT -GOES BELOW GROUND AND ASSIMILATES WITH ROTATING MASS KNOWN AS "SUBTERRANEAN SHIT EARTH"- PROOF THAT HELL ISNT REAL
DICK CLARK CORPSE MARIONETTE TO KICK OFF NEW YEARS 2013 WITH MIRACULOUS POST-MORTEM COUNTDOWN - WE TRULY ARE A BLESSED NATION
cumstarter.  i need 500 liters of cum to start a projec.t  i dont know its some bacon blog.  who gives a fuck
i murdered my wife my throwing her at a speeding cop car but its ok because i made her out of shit
oh nothin, i was just buying some ear medication for my sick uncle... *LOWERS SHADES TO LOOK YOU DEAD IN THE EYE* who's a Model by the way,
yes, i am a 24 year old man, and yes, i am the one who spraypainted the word "Teen" on the side wall of sleepy's mattress porfessionals.
TEARING THE MONA LISA FROM ITS CANVAS AND USING IT 2 CENSOR MY BIG BARE ASS AS I BUMBLE MY WAY OUT OF THE LOUVRE WITH GUARDS SCREAMING AT ME
little known fact:  the e3 gaming conference is considered the holy grail of the public urination community
fucking shitty school bully somehwo got his hands on the book of memoirs that i published &amp; read the part about my balls to the entire class
the moment you realize that every piece of furniture you own is just a man in a zentai suit stuck in a rigid pose and they all flee at once
an advanced culture millions of light years away intercepts first earthly message; a craigslist posting succinctly titled "boscov's fuck"
known among variety of local retailers as "oily ass man." banned from mattress giant, pier 1 imports, ikea, raymour &amp; flanigan, and so forth
sorry.  fan-made, HD remake of "Bubsy 3D" will never see the light of day, because ive been turned into birds
i light a candle next to photograph of my ex-wife's ass & say tiny prayer before devouring another handful of french's fried onions #WifeAss
CNN: SHITLOAD OF DEAD WOLVES FOUND IN NYC SUBWAY SYSTEM INSPIRES US ALL AS A NATION TO REFLECT UPON MOTHERHOOD AND PERHAPS OUR SELF'S
Check out these amazing pics of fat guys slammin chairs around then a hottie getting fucked by pumpkin head 
YO !!  DONT SEXT THAT TEEN
god grant me the serenity 2 accept the Diapers i cant change, the courage to change the Diapers i can, & the wisdom to shit myself profusely
next guy to propose another wild kramer autism theory gets thier ass banned down to chinatown. this is seinfeld forum, not ignorant forums.
ATTN: SICK FUCKS WHO ARE AGGRAVATING MY HEART CONDITION ON PURPOSE BY POSTING DRAMA 2 THE INCEST SUBREDDIT - GOT TWO WORDS FOR YA: "GUN
andy rooney hologram crashes coachella 2013 and berates the audience, calling them "rude" and "a disappointment" #awful
THE COP GROWLS "TAKE OFF TH OSE JEANS, CITIZEN." I COMPLY, REVEALING THE FULL LENGTH DENIM TATTOOS ON BOTH LEGS.  THE COP SCREAMS; DEFEATED
SARKOZY PRETENDED TO INITIATE HANDSHAKE WITH OBAMA BUT THERE WAS A BABY BIRD IN HIS HAND AND THE BABY BIRD MELTED. ACT OF WAR............
in one proposed timeline, goatboy was a character played by jim breuer on SNL who circulated a jpeg of his ass and became the goatman.
"nobama" legally changes name to "yesbama".  approval rating rises 40
woah.  look who's back in town 
workin out in a graduated cylinder. as i gain muscle mass the water level will rise above my head and drown me.  this is true muscle suicide
a trail of rose petals leads you to a room bathed in warm candlelight. piled on the sofa is every guinness record book published after 2004
god grant me the strengrh to raise $260 to create Skeleton MMORPG . if this kickstarter fails...im gonna Start Kickin
meeting with CBS execs over possible sitcom "The Diaper Ref" about a referee who wears diaper &describes everyday problems with sports terms
winner of this year's prom theme is "shit to israel", with a grand total of 2 votes
APRIL FOOL ISNT OVER UNTIL AMEX REMOVES OUTSTANDING BALANCE OF $333299 FROM MY ACCOUNT & ACKNOWLEDGES THAT I DIDNT BUY 3000 ASTRONAUT DILDOS
2013: burger king creates "The Doritos Whopper" 2021: orson scott card writes "The Doritos Novel" 2035:removed from matrix. no more doritos
tried to overdose on aquarium pebbles & the hospital laughed at me and the ambulance drivers all took turns whipping me with catheter tubes
if you heard a man screaming today it was from when a couple of policemen tried to hoist me into a large bathtub in the town square
" the only 'safe sex' is death " - some gym teacher with a skeleton puppet
realdoll corporation accidently sent me a Scarecrow... a sign that I should return to the simple life at my uncle's pumpkin farm?? Probably
someone hacked hte high score board on the java pacman game in monsanto .com's "For Fun" page. just a heads up
the toilet feeler ruins another public restroom with his grubby hands
invented by god in Year 666, my sickening Ass was tasked with torturing insubordinate angels until it fell into the hands of the shit prince
i have no idea how that turd got on your ceiling, but it definitely didn't fly out of my shorts while iwas doing a backflip
we succeed where many businesses fail, by offering a comprehensive program wherein I (Me) will run your dick over in my wheelchair, for free
COMMONLY REFERRED TO AS THE "BAD BOY" OF WET BEARD BLOGGING
the Law Man surveys the room, and is able to locate me hiding behind a potted plant thanks to my trail of miserable , fucked up turds
Proud To Employ Disabled Surgeons For All Of My Cosmetic Procedures
hurts , dont it!!!?!
a bully asked me if i wanted a "Hurts Donut" then one thousand ghouls phased through the floor and ceiling and began shitting on me
LIKE A SNAKE SHEDS ITS SKIN, I SHED ANOTHER HARD ROCK CAFE TSHIRT EVERY 7 MONTHS
im a tennis ball and my primary mode of transportation is being pushed around by animal piss
i refuse to patronize Famous Dave's BBQ until they throw cultural sensitivities to the wind and change their name back to "the piss morgue"
WELL I PRINTED OUT MY RESUME, DUNNO WHAT ILL DO WITH THESE OTHER 4999 BOXES OF PROFESSIONAL "IF YOUR A HATER DONT READ THIS" STATIONERY
where cna i get a skeleton who will sit in my fridge all day and hand me the item i want whenever i open it
you know how peoples dicks evaporate when exposed to sunlight??  how do i get mine to not do that
performance on Antz Role-Playing Forum has been shot ever since police made me register as a sex offender after finding me crying in public
WHy isnt there a crosswalk where 50 year old women can explore their femininity without getting hooted at
"jail isnt real," i assure myself as i close my eyes and ram the hallmark gift shop with my shitty bronco
proposed "slime wtc" catches airplanes and converst them into waste
gonna print out a bunch of pages from rival muscle blogs and scatter them across my driveway &amp; drive my noisy scooter around on top of them
Want 2 know what's worse than widespread voter fraud?? hipsters putting scary pumpkins on their porch every october
my perfectl #TwitterWifey is a leather sack full of porcelain shards that i can swing at census takers
clicked on discover button&amp; found my "Jokes" are coping technique designed 2 assuage guilt surrounding my faltering relationship with CHrist
YO *points to spinal cord on brain diagram* THATS THE BRAIN;S DICK
the large hadron collier will never detect the higgs boson particle.  the only purpose it has is to rile dogs up
a giant vat of slop in a secret factory has two pipes which lead to the bottling lines, one labeled "GAMER FUEL" and the other "BABY FOOD"
what do you mean 1800-GOT-JUNK only takes waste "Out" of peoples houses.  thats an absurd concept.  i will hang the fuck up right now
hello 1800-GOT-JUNK?? PLease come by and give me all the junk you got. shovel it into my home, and my childrens bedrooms, and dont take any
.@plantcore may outright steal but at least @GoofyKidGalvin7 has the initiative to create bastard versions of the tweets he finds
dear god. in all my years.... an ancient diaper perfectly preserved in amber-- no wait, its just some shitty caveman head.  throw it back
i dont know much about solar storms but i swear to god that the one that happened last thursday gave me the ability to yell louder
fucking Nude Man ruine all our laser tag games, cant shoot him cause he isnt wearing the vest, cant rack up any points against him
a blessing on this earth.  my shit covered muscles are a blessing on this earth
knocked a shit load of doritos off the shelf during my latest suicide attempt at wegmans and thtis 16 yr old little shit made me put em back
first off, trees are bullshit
somebody snuck into my yard and smeared shit all over my kony statue. people are monsters
my dr.phil crystal imbues its user with AL;L the abilities and strengths of television personality "Dr. Phil"; & the fbi is buggin me for it
fire dril and tornado dril are my alt formes . well bye
damn fire dril
pulls down pants revealing ass. pulls down pants further, revealing a 2nd pair of ass cheeks. pulls them down still fruther, revealing 3rd p
unfortunately the red cross does not accept blood that you foundi n the trash can or blood that has been coughed up into your shitty beard
"STOP BEING Tsundere" - me screaming at god
"Can Determine The Gender Of Any Animal Simply By Touching Its Dick"
"but the oval office wasnt around when John tyler was president" says hte nerd as my ass slowly engulfs his pathetic, misshapen head
john tyler was less commonly known as the "Rat President", having up to 900 rats running around the oval office and making an utter ruckus
how come a baby born with a foot in its brain is considered a "Miracle Baby" but when I get my dick stuck in a drawer im just some asshole
do I have.,.  a twitter account???  oh yeah, im a real tweet mouth
what is Courage, you ask???  courage is being able to say that ragecomics are bad on your twitter account
the archaeologist inspects a hideous smear of caveman shit on the wall of an ancient cavern. "ah, this is it. the first ragecomic"
wrestleburg is a real town and i live there
GAY TRANSHUMANIST ..... I KNOW U HAVE BEEN CHECKING MY POSTS OUT .... SHOW YOUR SELF
KICKSTARTER: buy me a big roll of bubble wrap so i can fuck it --- $0.23 Pledged of $35 Goal -- -
two men fighting inside of a dog igloo
me and a couple of straight dudes are sharing this big bowl of wildberries in honor of davy jones the dead guy
RIP #davey Jomes.
davey
sad to here that Davy Jone Monkees had died
jsut tried to climb onto the stage shirtless with "INDIE" painted on my body but a sniper murdered me off-cam .  #Oscars
if someone wins an oscar and they start crying they should rip it out of the Fucker's hands #Oscars
"IN THIS HOUSE, FOXTROT IS CONSIDERED MANGA" #Oscars
Hats Off to the guy who digitally altered all the celebrities to make them look less sad #Oscars
just saw another Uncensored Ass in the audience.  im finished with this horse shit. #oscars #AssInTheAudience #Oscars2012AITA
when i awake im a skeleton, being dangled off a cliff and used as a wi-fi reciever. i can feel every ass being downloaded through my body.
i enter a cavern and see a laptop perched on a rock. displayed on the screen is an image of my ass.  but how...?  a poison dart hits my neck
small village. all the locals are dead, their bones removed and fashioned into a crude satellite dish, seemignly designed to download asses.
i stop to ask a local how many asses the ass downloader has downloaded. "at least 100," he tells me. i nod and continue my journey onward
for decades i have traversed the unforgiving mountains and rivers of south america, hoping to catch a glimpse of the fabled "ass downloader"
««« —×TOILET EARTH×— «««
#ThingsPeopleHaveToStopDoing shitting on the koran.  for every koran that gets shit on i will shit on a bible
#ThingsPeopleHaveToStopDoing eating disgusitng garbage food and being miserable sacks of shit and bemoaning the fact that theyre worthless
#KINGOFSWAG do disfiguring bruises on my significant other's face qualify as "swag" #teambreezy #filthypeople #worst
the Joe Dirt watcher's rockin' Joe Dirt quote of the week:  "Watch Joe Dirt"
did they find any water on mars yet.  what about catboys
I Just Want 2 Have Sex On This Site All The Time With Out Havin To Argue With Peopl And Deal With People Cryin And Shit #WiseWordsToLiveBy
"zelda vs garfield", i mutter as i look at the floor during a job interview
where can i get one of those giant inflatable rats that construction workers keep putting up on the side of the road. i need it for my grave
please leave, sir.  your vulgar, senseless displays may be tolerated at K-Mart, but not here at Super K-Mart
if anyone in the central nj arera wants 2 scrub down my big A$$ body with rags thats fine by me. i promise not to speak or acknowledge you
"Rock and Roll Kevin is named that because of his extensive knowledge of Rock and Roll music."
which one of you jokers made the radio station shoutout "Rock and Roll Kevin", who has "Brain Cancer"
im uploading a "let's play" vid of me getting stuck between the walls of my house and getting all tangled up in the insulation and shit
the rock spots a small pile of jabroni turds left carelessly on the floor of his ring. he postures defiantly as the audience hoots and jeers
mail 1000 envelopes addressed to "The Desert" and watch endless waves of government pawns march to their death #ANARCHY2012 #sand
another day volunteering at the betsy ross museum. everyone keeps asking me if they can fuck the flag. buddy, they wont even let me fuck it
last night i was restrained and had the words "Bug Helper" branded into my back with a hot iron by three men who i trusted. im still shaking
how can i get my 50year old co-workers more interested in the indie gaming scene.  how. *kicks trashcan* how. *punches car* how. *fires gun*
whenever i get nude for any reason i hear the dogs go wild outside. must sense something that humans can not.
from personal experience, if you nail one of those tiny gift shop license plates over ur real one a police man will grapple you with his ass
groundhog sees a nude mans gyrating ass instead of shadow, predicting 6 weeks of erupting yellowstone supervolcano
"Kermit the Racist" by AdultCartoonFTW (182,727 views)
#ChrisBrownPickupLines im ignorent. my music bad. my pubic hair smells like shit. my dicks smal. grammys only let me on cause my dad is rich
#ChrisBrownPickupLines Babe Remember That Time I Took My Shirt Off In The News Studio Cause I Got Mad While Trying To Clear My Vile Record
#ChrisBrownPickupLines "Go ahead, Cunt.  Cry for your so-called 'God'.  The very same God that gave me the power and the will to crush you."
ok, first off its BS that wetnaps dont tell u that you need to unwrap them before use. second, food smeared on face boosts the immune systm
"Phew!  Its like a sauna in here!"  - the most hilarious guy in the sauna
i just tipped over my garbage can and tried to feng shui all the trash.  i dont know if it worked or not but im still fat
the worst mythbuster to ever exist was the dead mythbuster that they never talk about #TheDeadMythbuster
whoever wrote "I Exist To Be Hollered At" onto the back of my Official Nascar Cape nneeds to crawl over to my address for some rebel justice
special Treat for all my prety lady followers.... 
contrary to the lies posted by a certain MetalGearEric, i know what the word "sex" means, and i know what the word "poop" means
who spit on my rats. ill find him
know how roaches scatter when you turn the lights on??? same thing happens when i whip my big ass out. #miserable
WHAT ABOut MY FREE SPEECH *a bunch of child porn spills outof mouth* IM AS HUMAN AS THE REST OF U *Dick Flies Out Of Pants And Spins Around*
chris brown farts into microphone as thousands of miserable, awful women attempt to fuck the speaker system #grammys #teambreezy
what do Chris Brown, Hitler, and Charles Manson have in common?  something charisma something something power something atrocity #teambreezy
chris brown engulfs the crowd in acid piss during bad concert, disfiguring scores of his awful fans (Says He's Sorry) #Grammys #teambreezy
i support chris brown because my love of generic, autotuned shit overrides my intrinsic sense of morality #Grammys #teambreezy
thge concept of "forgiveness' is some stupid religious shit conceived to allow rich folks to beat the hell out of women #grammys #teambreezy
we all have our own way of grieving. *sinks teeth into huge ass medium rare t-bone steak with "WITNEY" written on it in ketchup*
if you dont accompany my twitter feed with the "real time with bill maher" theme music every time you read it youre4 a piece of shit
sorry im late, my car totally Friend Zoned me-- im fired??..now YOURE friend zoning me?? im gonna eat all these pills and friend zone myself
whenever someone tells me dolphins are intelligent as humans i send them the article aobut flipper killing himself to prove that theyre dumb
as the sex principal it is my duty to wear a color-coded tie that indicates how many people i will have sex with today durnig working hours.
im the sex principal. i have sex all the time in the techer lounge. i fuck the lady teachers & i fuck the man teachers. im all fat and shit.
finest rack o ribs youve ever seen. you get your favorite dry rub all over that badboy but- oh no- it's sand. the sand laughs #BBQNightmares
Starfish Rant. ive had it up to here with this bullshit animal. click here to watch my starfish rant
although im the foremost Blue Jeans Virtuoso i consider it disrespectful to wear them. i simply kiss each pair 5 times a day; facing mecca.
anyone catch that middle finger during the half time show?  it was mine, in my living room, directed at the tv #ImIndie #GoodIndie #Indie500
i only stare into the abyss for the commercials
CANT ATTEND GRANDMAS FUNERAL SHIRTLESS??? WISH I WAS IN THAT CASKEt
what gender do i have to turn myself itno to be able to squirt octopus ink out
#fffff James Cool @jamescool147 "Love Sex,Milfs,Boobs,Cougars...& Fucking & Am A Bad Boy"
Only if U Find The Forum For Disabled People Calle d 3DWorldz ANd U Have Fun. — 
Everyuthing about the N-word. I believe im already rich and ill be launched into the kfc man's grave then. — 
go to a ymca locker room and laugh at all the nude morons
"the guy who tried to sell a mummy on etsy"
basically,actual doctors have told me my brain is Perfect. ANYWAY, HGeres nine paragraphs I wrote on why leaving tips at restaurants is bad
"...most of the human race killed off, because it is unworthy, it is unworthy of the gift of life." - someone who hasn't killed himself yet
i just found out tombstones have dead people underneath them.  fucked up
will no longer be livestreaming foreskin restoration process; the trolls who attempted to summon [インプ] (Imps) into the chatroom are to blame
MAYAN GROUNDHPOG HELD ALOFT BY HAT MAN AT WINTER CEREMONY; STRUCK BY LIGHTNING; TURNED INTO ONE HUMAN SKULL "UH OH NOW WEVE REALLY DONE IT"
Happy black history mouth #
i keep forgettin its black history mouth
black history mouth RT if ur black
my favorite philosopher is Ben Stein .
my entry on maddox.com's despicable "Faggotpedia" claims that I believe im a yoshi in real life.  This is false. Im actually an archyoshi
YoshiGod9 says that if you shit into a wasp nest they wont sting your ass because theyre too dumb to know what shit even is. Prove him wrong
#3WordsThatWomenHate my dick
LABRADOR DRUNKDRIVER #illegalDogBreeds
MUSCULAR SHITHOUND #illegalDogBreeds
THE GOLDEN EMBEZZLER #illegalDogBreeds
A FRANKENSTEIN #illegalDogBreeds
THE INCEST TERRIER #illegalDogBreeds
i will pay the jim henson company $100000 to make the old critic muppets pepper a slideshow of my most miserable nudes with caustic remarks.
has anyone ever done a powerpoint presentation nude
i owuld like for u to meet my Uncles *leads u into room full of crude wooden mannequins* Have Fun. *closes door and watches u thru peephole*
Curse of the Colonel (カーネルサンダースの呪い Kāneru Sandāsu no noroi?) refers to an urban legend regarding a reputed curse placed on the Japanese
check out my tumblr *goes limp & rolls down steep mountainside for 10 minutes or so, banging head on branches and rocks, surely dead *
i dress as a medieval knight and pummel my metal body with cymbals to get all 59 of my pit dogs riled up before i fling lawn chairs at them
gov bans pit bull fighting because they are scared of the power pits can achieve by gaining BOth strengh & wisdom in the barbwire gauntlet
SCREAMS INTO THE MICROPHOHNE, MY HOLLERING REVERBERATES THRU TINY CELLAR FILLED WITH 59 HOGWILD PIT BULL DOGSm;; GAINING STRENGTH THRU ANGER
U Have Been Banned From GoiterTeenz - The Forum For Teens With Disfiguring Goiters-- Reason: Prolonged Harassment Of Female Members
I Don’t Want To Do My Fucking Project Of Plants
My Dad is Making me do My Project of Plants
ok MPR, you win. ever since you stormed out of my house with my booster seat in tow ive been unable to function in chairs. please come bac
MICROPENISRODNEY U HAVE & ALWAYS WILL HAVE BE A PECE OF SHIT. I POUR MY SOUL INTOTHIS BUSINESS AND ALL U DO IS SIT THER &RUB YOUR HAIRY LEGS
MicropenisRodney; if youre out there, anywhere plesse get in touch with me, im sorry I yelled at you and I wamt to fix our ragecomic startup
big biker dude pops a wheelie on harley & simultaneously unleashes a load of shit from his nude ass.his license plate says "Rape" #RapeJokes
good teamrwork.  thanks 
i supoprt sopa, pipa, acta, buta, mema, rude jokes, muslom, spike tvs ill fated animation bloc, indie,  and this guy 
i specifically requested that my bone marrow be sent 2 the man who wants to rub it on his dick, instead of that dying girl. this is bullshit
contents of kim dotcom's panic room: imported mtn dew (glass bottle, no corn syrup), "no copz allowed" sign (affixed to door), blooper dvds
kim dotcom was a hero.  he loved to piss more than anyhting.  he would piss into Real Dolls and throw them in the garbage. no toilet
The reports are false, Joe Paterno is still alive!!  Joe Pa pulled through the night, read more:  
Joe Pa is in his deathbed right now id wager, jerking off one last time before the curtain falls on his disgraceful life
well yeah if you look at this Joe Pa thing from the whole "Rape Angle" it looks pretty skeevy, but remember that time he did good at sports?
no youre totally right,"Joe Pa" is a perfectly honorable & respectable man, assuming hes never confronted with any actual tests of character
tipping over a news van on top of a pile of shattered childhoods in honor of Dying Idiot joe "Joe Pa" paterno #JoePa #Hell
tipping over a news van on top of a pile of shattered childhoods in honor of Dying Idiot joe "Joe Pa" paterno #JoePa #Hell
▲ ▲ ▲  htese are the jeans that christ died in ▲ ▲ ▲
snubbed again by the 2012 Skeleton Awards; tore my skin off for naught
Wow, it's such a favorite song that you don't know the title OR the artist. RT @dril #myfavorite90ssong the blue song by daft punk
myfavorite90ssong
if you dont watch the cool visualizations that your media player of choice provides alongside the music youre listening to; youre a coaward.
#myfavorite90ssong the blue song by daft punk
nmy name is greg.  i enjoy Film and Tech.
retweet this i f you capitalize Film.  #Film
Tha;ts a clump of hair, you fucking idiot. Did you really think that was a fossil ?  If you show that to the museum guy he'll get mad at you
making the rounds on 9gag: an animated gif of my depressed balls, descending slowly into a fiery, cavernous  pit which appears to be Hell
#IWouldDoAnythingFor Deritos
IWouldDoAnythingFor
me, begging everyone to stop running around and pay attention to my venn diagram labeled "GENDER & AUTISM" on board the capsizing Concordia