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The "Non-Optional Proprietary Exclusivity License"

Let's face it: Your company is losing money, technical debt is piling up, and you cannot be arsed into hiring a lawyer because your company is losing money and technical debt is piling up. Your Head of Software Development (or what-have-you) came to you with a brilliant idea: Open-source the thing. There are tons of people out there writing code for free, why not let them do it? Besides, not like your software is worth monetising; heck, it's free! Free software, free source code, something-something, profit!

Introducing: The "Non-Optional Proprietary Exclusivity License"!

With this license, now YOU can join in on the fun of openwashing! Just apply this license to your project and instantly, your codebase is now open-source! Better yet, no one else but you can use the it; and you know what that means! Absolutely zero cost to have your software developed for you! Everything you need is in the LICENSE file. Easy as cake!

Written by a human. Absolutely human.